The Scariest Thing That's Happened To Me.

Hey Guys, James Faraci here and I'm out of character to tell possibly one of the scariest things to ever happen to me. You know those castles you see in those classic Horror movies where you know there should be these large signs saying "DO NOT GO HERE!" "YOU WILL DIE FROM SCREAMING AND SOILING YOURSELVES!" Well, I foolishly went into one on Black Lake in Upstate New York. (Cut to an small town in Black Lake in Upstate New York and then images of Heart Island on Black Lake in Upstate as James does a voiceover)

James Faraci (Voiceover): It was the Summer of 2000 and I was on a fishing vacation with my mom, my dad and my sister and I don't remember which of us suggested or heard about this place called Heart Island and I remember the skies being blue that day we went there and there was this ferry boat to the island and I remember seeing the sky go from blue to grey the second we get to the island. At that point I was calmly thinking "This is kind of weird" but thought nothing of it. I soon went to this video presentation on the island and I remember my mom giving me this attempt to jump scare me by putting her hand on my shoulder and I got scared and a little while later I felt another hand on that shoulder and I looked where I felt the hand and there was no one or nothing there and my mom had her hands on her lap. It was by that point I was trying to tell myself "There's nothing really there, it's just my imagination playing tricks on me." that is until my mom and dad had me and my sister go up a staircase and there were NO open windows, NO open doors as soon as the flash went off on the camera, I felt this cold breeze going up and down my back and by that time my mind is screaming "GET OFF THIS ISLAND! NOW!" but I decided to tough it out and for a while things calmed down. I soon get to this one place where these couples carved their names and next thing I saw as I walked out, I swear I saw the couples who carved their names and I then blinked and they were gone. I was wondering if my mind was playing more tricks on me and later on when I was under a tunnel and I saw a face that wasn't mine and there was no one else, by that time I was starting to crack under the fear, I would've hijacked a boat and gone to jail for stealing with a smile with a face that was how bad I wanted off that island. But I tried to hold on for awhile longer. Eventually my family & I came upon a Fountain and of course we took photos and guess what when I was there, there was no one, NO ONE behind us. But weeks later when the photos came back there were two people behind us and I said to myself, "No way! NO WAY IN HELL was there anyone back there!". But for me the one moment that broke me was when my family was in a gift shop and I and no one in the shop was near a novelty fish and it went off and sang the song that played when my dad had his first heart attack which just happened to be Bobby McFerrin's "Don't Worry Be Happy" by that point I had my fill and when the Ferry back to the main land came I nearly overshot the Ferry and bolted towards the mainland running all the way back and guess what, I have not been back there since that day. (Cut to James physically)

James Faraci: That's right, I have a ghost story and if you have one where you are involved, let me or anyone on the internet hear it because trust me people want to know. Especially on Halloween.

The Last Of The Americans' guide on what to watch on Halloween

(Intro to "Are You Afraid Of The Dark?" plays up until the match is lit and burns out and James yells out "YEOWCH! Son of a bitch!" as the music to the intro of "Are You Afraid Of The Dark?" continues and the words "The Last Of The Americans" in the same design of the title of "Are You Afraid Of The Dark?" before cutting to black then James in his office quarters.)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours and it's Halloween so guess what we've got our usual deluge of Halloween special episodes, Sci-Fi and Horror based series and movie marathons around this time and even when I was on my first run on Myspace I got a few hundred questions asking the following "What is it you recommend either watch, read, or suggest I check out around this time of year?" Which is why I'm doing this now. A series of mini reviews of TV Shows, Books and movies and I'll try to keep the spoilers down to a minimum, If I can and I'm going to start off with both books and movies. Believe it or not yes I read books and the ones I like the most just happen to be Dracula, Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde, Frankenstein and The Legend of Sleepy Hollow just to name a few of the books I've read and those books have been made into movies. So where should I start? Let's start with a few different versions of a legend that's near my backyard. (Cut to the opening credits of both the Disney version of "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow" and the Live action version starring Jeff Goldblum before cutting to clips from both while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): While the Disney Animated version is one of the more well known versions outside of the live action Tim Burton version, I found enjoyment in the live action version starring Jeff Goldblum rather satisfactory. Like the animated version it was sort of true to the source material. Both have the feel of the colonial times but the animated one has an atmosphere that lent to the chills down your spine and without a doubt you'll probably figure out the mystery of the Headless Horseman in the animated version. But there is another version out there that's live action that I like as well. (Cut to opening credits of "Wishbone" then clips of the episode featuring the tale of "The Legend Of Sleepy Hollow" while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): "Wishbone" was an Public Broadcast Station Educational entertainment series and for it's second series they opened up with an episode which intercut with an story brought to life by Wishbone played by Soccer The Jack Russell Terrier and voiced by Larry Brantley as Ichabod Crane and if you've read the story you know what happens but here's the thing this episode is available on DVD as is the Disney Animated version, The Jeff Goldblum version is not available on DVD if you can afford it, it's on VHS and because it is rare the VHS Cassette is worth a few bucks. But as for the Wishbone version, you're gonna have to go with either YouTube or Bootleg copies. However they're all worth a watch. But while I'm on local legends. (Cut to "The Amityville Horror" opening credit before cutting to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): "The Amityville Horror" is a great work of fiction and that's the best compliment I can give it because that's what it is. The reality is that Ronnie DeFeo was drunk and high when he slaughtered his family. He was not possessed by the devil or any demon in anyway shape or form. I know my father who was a Correction Officer at the prison DeFeo was at in one of his first tours as a Correction Officer and he was told by DeFeo. Otherwise trust me when I say that any theory of dark forces connecting to the house or as to why Ronnie DeFeo slaughtered his family is a load of bunk. If you want to see a tale of fiction about it then check out any version of "The Amityville Horror" (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But what is my favorite version of "Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde"? Well there are two versions that I automatically think of. (Cut to the animated and the live action Dan Curtis Produced version.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Outside of the Fredric March version the Animated one which Phelous tore to shreds was something I enjoyed when it aired on Nickelodeon when it had good decision makers making good decisions to allow kids to see this and the live action one starring Jack Palance and produced with Dan Curtis Productions, the same one that produced the series "Dark Shadows" was a great joy for me to watch and I'm sure Jack enjoyed playing Dr. Jekyll straight and even though he looked more like Ronald Reagan than Mr. Hyde in this thing he must've enjoyed just letting loose as Mr. Hyde and if you've read the book then you know that it dark, tragic and it deals with the duality of humanity and whether or not what we do with ourselves that make us either good or evil. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: As for Dracula and Frankenstein movie wise, well I have a few movies that I got to every time this time of year. (Cut to the Universal classic 1931 Dracula opening, The Spanish version of  Dracula from 1931 made by Universal, The Universal Classic Frankenstein and the Opening Credit of Young Frankenstein as Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake plays in the background before cutting to the clips of these movies with James doing a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Everyone knows that the Bela Lugosi version of Dracula for me is the best version. But that's not to take away from the late Christopher Lee's Dracula Hammer series I find them to be both products of their time and entertaining as well but Bela set the standard and became immortalized as The Count Of Transylvania. But made in almost the same way but was better produced was a Spanish made with the same sets except with it being written in Spanish and it looks a lot better than the Bela Lugosi one. In fact I wish Bela was in that version as well as Martin Frye who played Renfield in the English version too. Speaking of Martin Frye he played Fritz an assistant to Doctor Frankenstein in the Boris Karloff version of "Frankenstein" and boy did Fritz deserve to get it as Doctor Frankenstein tries to discover if someone can or should bring life back from the dead and what are the ramifications for doing so. Something further explored in the Mel Brooks comedy "Young Frankenstein" as Gene Wilder plays the Grandson of the Legendary Doctor as he tries to perfect his Grandfather's experiment with the brain of Hans Delbrooks but Igor played by Marty Feldman picks up an abnormal brain that gets put into a seven and a half foot long, fifty four inch wide....

Dr. Fraunkunsteen: GORILLLA!

TLOTA (Voiceover): And literally that's how Dr. Frankenstein

Dr. Fraunkunsteen: That's Fraunkunsteen.

TLOTA (Voiceover): Whatever. Anyway that is how he describes his creation played by Peter Boyle and if you've read these classics you know how it ends for both The Count and Doctor Frankenstein. But speaking of  Doctors... (Cut to series eight opening credits of Doctor Who before cutting to clips of "Listen" while James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As a Whovian, I have absolutely enjoyed Peter Capaldi's performance as the 12th Doctor so far, but his first season as The Doctor was hit and miss but a definite hit was the story in which the Doctor tries to understand what is it about us that make us have a fear of the unknown at what point do we all have either the same dream or nightmare about it and what is the center of the fear itself. For that you're gonna have to see this episode yourself. It is an amazing episode to help you'll know better about the fear of fear itself. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But if you want a laugh with your Halloween frights and seeing as how on the night of Halloween we'll see him return in a series on how to get rid of The Necronomicon Ex Mortis, it might be a good idea to see these three movies before you see the series. (Cut to opening credits of "The Evil Dead" "Evil Dead II" & "Army Of Darkness" before cutting to clips of these movies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): If both The Blockbuster Buster who currently is in the middle of his Halloween Havoc & James Rolfe's Cinemassacre's Monster Madness, which by the way I check out every October, hasn't stated these three films are AWESOME! Sam Raimi did a very marvelous job at telling the tale of Ash Williams played by Bruce Campbell as he deals with the Necronomicon and all the insane things that happen ranging from him being bathed in enough blood to fill fifty blood banks to having no choice but to take off his possessed hand to him winding up in the 1300's. If you haven't seen this movies then what are you waiting for? The Necronomicon to come up and try to attack you? Speaking of The Necronomicon, although it's not called that and it is redesigned, it actually appears in a family film that I see outside of the Harry Potter marathons on the 13 Nights Of Halloween on ABC Family er Sorry as it will be rebranded Freeform come January. (Cut to opening credit of "Hocus Pocus" with "I've put a spell on you." by Bette Midler in the background before cutting to clips of the movie while James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Yeah, The Book Of The Dead used to be owned by The Sanderson Sisters played by Bette Midler, Kathy Najimy & Sarah Jessica Parker, Who knew? This movie, directed by Kenny Ortega, (Cut to clip of  "High School Musical" movies as James says "Yes, THAT Kenny Ortega before cutting back to clips of "Hocus Pocus" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As I was saying, "Hocus Pocus" has The Sanderson Sisters coming to our time after being dead since the days of the colonies and having cursed a kid whose face looks familiar.... (Cut to clips of NCIS with Tim McGee getting smacked upside the head by DiNozzo and being mistreated by everyone as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA: That's right, The continual punching bag of Agent DiNozzo and most of the people in his team on the series "NCIS" was physically portrayed before becoming a cat was played by Sean Murray aka Tim McGee. But I digress... (Cut back to clips of "Hocus Pocus" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The kid becomes a talking cat cursed with immortality until the Witches return and are vanquished once again. Can The Cat and his new human friends, one played by Thora Birch stop the witches and save the day?  Well you're going to have to watch what Bette Midler considers her favorite movie she ever made and has become a cult classic since it's release on DVD & Blu-Ray. (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA: Speaking of Cult Classics around Halloween, I think of The Cornetto trilogy, well two flavors of them at least. ("Don't Stop Me Now" by Queen plays in the Background as the opening Credit scenes of "Shaun Of The Dead" & "The World's End" play before cutting to clips of both of the movies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Yeah, two flavors that scream of Sci-Fi goodness but are as uniquely different as night and day. "Shaun Of The Dead" is a Zombie Comedy in which Shaun played by Simon Pegg and his friend Ed played by Nick Frost have to outlast a Zombie outbreak with Shaun's Ex-Girlfriend played by Kate Ashfield, Shaun's Mum Barbara played by Penelope Wilton, Dianne played by Lucy Davis and David played by Dylan Moran taking refuge in a pub. Can they survive? The same question arises in the other movie that has Sci-Fi elements in the Cornetto Trilogy entitled "The World's End" which starts out as a group of friends trying to finish their pub run they nearly finished when they were in their youth when an alien robot or Blank as they're called in this movie have themselves an invasion Can they survive and end their Pub run in success? Well you're going to have to check them out to see if they survive or will humanity be at it's end? (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: "Well now those movies were recently out, You said recent Horror films aren't as good as they were before you were born!" is what you're probably thinking to yourself. While I did say that, I also said that there were a few good ones that you would need to search for and trust me when I say that I found a couple. One involving Walruses and one remake of a B-Movie. (Cut to opening credit to both "Tusk" & "Night Of The Demons" from 2009 as rock music plays in the background of the clips and James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): "Tusk" Written and directed by Kevin Smith is about a podcaster named Wallace played by Justin Long who finds an old man who has an obsession with Walruses, So much so he has plans to turn Wallace into a Walrus and if you've seen it, this wasn't the first time he had done it. Can Wallace survive or will he die as a Walrus? You'll have to see it in order to discover his fate. Much like you'll have to watch the remake of the 1988 B-Movie "Night Of The Demons" it's one of those times where the remake was better than the original. Probably having the fact it has Shannon Elizabeth, Monica Keena, Edward Furlong and Michael Copon in the cast and that the production value is better but not by much, I mean the transformation sequence is rather graphic and some of the scenes, I do NOT recommend to anyone under the age of 25 to view. Will our group of young people survive or give into the demonic presence that surrounds the place slowly or in some cases quickly turning our group into demons. Well you'll have to see it in order to know what happens. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Now what about anything on the TV side of things outside of "Doctor Who" episodes that are genuinely scary and you want to get away from the usual forced shows, well then these are for you. (Cut to "It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown"  opening credit before cutting to clips of it as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): While I agree with what my associate The Rowdy Reviewer said about this special, I find it one of the better Peanuts specials. While the animation was basic, there was a charm to it and the music was plenty snappy and jazzy and the storylines seems to be fairly easy to enjoy. But this isn't the only Sunday comic strip series that has done a great special with their characters. (Cut to the "Garfield's Halloween Adventure" opening credit before cutting to clips of the special as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Garfield's Halloween Adventure was loosely based on the Comic Strip series storyline and to me listening to Lorenzo Music's voice performing Garfield is iconic and while I do disagree with The Comic Strip Critic's observations about the character, I agree with Phelous about certain things about the special. But here's the thing, It's Garfield, he is who he is and what he is as a character is amazingly more human than feline and in some way is like us in a way we might not even think of. But these two are a couple of my favorite things to watch on TV that is when I can get to see this network. (Cut to the Opening credits of "The 13 Ghosts Of Scooby-Doo" before cutting to clips of the series as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): "The 13 Ghosts Of Scooby-Doo" was one of the last Hanna Barbera Scooby Doo series that I enjoyed. Outside of this series being the last one to have Scrappy Doo and to be fair and honest Scrappy didn't really annoy me in anything he was in until that first God-Awful Live Action movie but do you know who really was a pain in my neck, Flim-Flam! Flim-Flam! All he did was annoy everyone even someone truly talented who they got for this series. (Cut to Clips of Vincent VanGhoul voiced by Vincent Price before continuing on with the clips as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): That's right, Vincent Price lends his dulcet tones and eerie delivery to the warlock Vincent VanGhoul and boy he is amazing though his character's dress attire was very inconsistent sometimes he'd be dressed like an ancient mystic other times he was dressed in a tuxedo with a cape, once he was in his Pajamas that was weird but anyway while this series lasted thirteen episodes meaning they should've collected all the demons from the chest in those thirteen episodes but what do I know but I digress, the series was awesome and I really feel it was a show that deserved better than what it got. But speaking of Scooby-Doo.... (Cut to opening credit of both "Scooby-Doo On Zombie Island" & "Scooby-Doo & The Witch's Ghost" as Skycycle's "It's Terror Time Again" before cutting to Clips of the movies while James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): "Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island" & it's sequel "Scooby-Doo & The Witch's Ghost" were the first two projects done with "Scooby-Doo" after Don Messick's passing and the person they got for the role of Scooby Doo did a great job though I do wish they kept Billy West as Shaggy in "Scooby-Doo &The Witch's Ghost" but we got Tim Curry as Ben Ravenscroft in "Scooby -Doo & The Witch's Ghost" so I think it's a fair trade" and the plot of these movies felt like an old school episodes of "Scooby-Doo Where Are You?" but with a twist which I won't spoil even though the titles of these movies gives them away. But "Scooby-Doo On Zombie Island" & "Scooby-Doo & The Witch's Ghost" are worth a watch because THIS is how you modernize the look and feel of the series without having to do something that looks like a rejected style for Seth MacFarland's "Family Guy"(Cut to an still of everyone in "Be Cool Scooby-Doo" with James saying "Hint! Hint!" before cutting back to James doing a voiceover on the clips of the movies)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But while I'm still in the Animated Realm. (Cut to the Opening Credits of "The Simpsons Halloween Specials" before cutting to James doing a voiceover several clips of the shorts in the specials)

TLOTA (Voiceover): While I like many people have kind of called it a day with watching "The Simpsons" regularly I do make it a point to see their Halloween Special annually, Why? Because that's the only time the series kind of actually feels good to watch and funny to be considered good enough to watch because it is a multiple anthology episodes that give the feel that makes the episode actually watchable. But while we're on Anthology series outside of "The Twilight Zone" & "The Outer Limits".....

(Cut to the Opening Credit to "Are You Afraid Of The Dark" as the music from the end credits of the first five seasons of "Are You Afraid Of The Dark?" play as the Opening Credit scene from "Are You Afraid Of The Dark?" is seen  before cutting to clips of "Are You Afraid Of The Dark?" while James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): To me I disagree with The Nostalgia Critic on "Are You Afraid Of The Dark?". To me I got scared stupid from the creepy atmosphere of the series and the tales told by "The Midnight Society". In fact on occasion the stories they were telling would connect to something happening to one of the members which would help them in a way only they could. Then there's the fact that one of the actors from the stories. He looks familiar and sounds familiar too. (Cut to clips of Jay Baruchel in movies like "She's Out Of My League", "This Is The End" and clips of Hiccup from the "How To Train Your Dragon" franchise before continuing on in those clips with James doing a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): That's right, That dude is Jay Baruchel from Seth Rogen style comedies and other movies like the "How To Train Your Dragon" movies and TV series. But I digress. (Cut to clips of the "Are You Afraid Of The Dark?" episode "The Tale Of The Silver Sight" while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): To  me the penultimate episode is "The Tale Of The Silver Sight" which has the characters who play as the current line-up of "The Midnight Society" and their former leader Gary, wind up in their own spooky story. That's right, the people meant to tell the spooky stories are now characters in their own spooky story and I will not give away the plot twist at the end of it, because as far as I'm concerned this ended the series perfectly and if you can check it out either on DVD or any streaming service, check it out. You might find a story you will enjoy. But while I'm om good Halloween stories. (Cut to "Power Rangers Zeo" opening credit before cutting to clips of "It Came From Angel Grove" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I've talked about this episode a few times already so there is no reason to go into too much depth. But I will say this about it that I didn't mention before. It was a great way to introduce kids to the Classic "Universal Monsters Movies" cycle and in that way it succeeded as not only does it show our favorite characters as classic horror movie characters and they even blatantly make a reference to "The Wizard Of Oz" which people who saw "The Wizard Of Oz" knew it was there from Mighty Morphin' Season One and if you enjoy it as I do, I would definitely recommend it for people to check out.  (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA: But I can't forget my Internet Brethren. (Cut to Clips of "Cinemassacre's Monster Madness", "Longbox Of The Damned", "Nostalgia-Ween", "Blockbuster Buster's Halloween Havoc" & "Craptober" while James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Trust me, I always make it a point to watch my fellow Internet Reviewers. One of my favorite Nostalgia Critic Episodes was the "Teddy Ruxpin" Halloween special and I always make sure to watch his thoughts on a Stephen King project and one of my personal favorites that missed a big joke and connection to Bruce Campbell was in "The Book Of Shadows: Blair Witch 2" with the actor in "Blair Witch 2" Jeffrey Donovan. Then there's the "Longbox Of The Damned" and it's host Moarte who gives us creepy Horror Comics that if you check them out, you might agree with Moarte on a few of them. Then there's Gus "The Nostalgia Kid" Webb's "Craptober" and as much as I did a great job on "The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part Two", I'll whole heartedly admit he did better than I ever will, as did The Blockbuster Buster did two years ago in his "Blockbuster Buster's Halloween Havoc" and trust me most of these movies, I don't want to see except for in these reviews. However none of these wouldn't be there if it weren't be here without "Cinemassacre's Monster Madness". These annual event series wouldn't be here had James Rolfe not laid out the groundwork and for him to keep this up for nine years and stay fresh for that long is amazing I hope my fellow James can keep the Madness coming for years as well as my fellow Internet Reviewers as well (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA: So I hope you enjoy my choices and before I get comments on why "Buffy" & "Angel" and other big series, let's say I'm going to handle them later. But for now, I hope you all have a Safe & Happy Halloween and as always I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion.

"Breaking" The Curse of "The Twilight Saga"

(Scene starts on a still image of Hell as groans of pain and despair are heard as is demonic bells and demonic chants and subtitled on the still is “The Opposite of Heaven” for one second before cutting to see the backside of the Prince Of Darkness himself dressed like the demonic smooth pimp daddy himself played by Paulo Fonseca as he turns to his minion played by Paul “Paw” Schuler to whom we only see his mouth and the rest of him is enrobed in a black mask and cloak turn on a device to signal all of the televisions so all who are damned and willing servants in hell of Lucifer are watching.)

The Minion (Sounding raspy): Minions of hell and all who are damned and doomed our time on the surface world comes near and to help in our mission I give to you the one whom we serve for all time! I give you, Lucifer! (The Minion walks off screen and Lucifer takes his place on screen)

Lucifer (Sounding deep and bass baritone): My trembling subjects! (Cut to all of the damned, the doomed and willing servants of hell played in different ways by Traci Hines in multiple costumes looking at the monitors)

Lucifer (off screen, sounding deep and bass baritone): The time of my greatest creation’s time as ruler of the free world will be at its end by this time next year! (Cut to Lucifer onscreen)

Lucifer (Sounding deep and bass baritone): But it makes no never mind to me, for this year will be the biggest year of recruitment of those who are young and innocent to our side and to lead you into glory on this campaign in the human world will be my daughter….Evileena! (Coughs) I said “To lead you into glory on this campaign in the human world will be my daughter…Evileena!” What in the name that is dark and unholy that isn’t me is going on?! (Lucifer grumbles as he gets up and looks around his room as the scene cuts to the damned, the doomed and willing servants of hell look at each other and wonder what’s causing this mess when Lucifer says off screen “A minor problem has arose.” Before cutting to Lucifer on the monitor)

Lucifer (Sounding deep and bass baritone): Be right back! (Static interrupts the feed as the scene cuts to Lucifer going into Evileena’s room.)

Lucifer (Sounding deep and bass baritone): Evileena?! Evileena, My Sweet little creation of Chaos and Destruction where are you? (A little girl played by Eliza Dushku cries in the corner as the camera cuts to a first person perspective and Lucifer comes to her)

Lucifer (Sounding deep and bass baritone): Sweetie, what’s so wrong?

Evileena (Sounding sweet and young): Daddy, I did a bad thing a long time ago.

Lucifer (Sounding deep and bass baritone): You didn’t bring about world peace now did you?

Evileena (Sounding sweet and young): No I did something way worse than that, remember the vault of bad ideas even you don’t like.

Lucifer (Sounding deep and bass baritone): Yes? Why? (Cut to a kitchen in which a female played by Rebecca Yaun tries to use a meat mallet to cut open an apple when her phone goes off and she answers it.)

Kourtney Kardashian (Played by Rebecca Yaun): Like Hello, Kourtney Kardashian. (Cut to Lucifer in Evileena’s room)

Lucifer (Sounding deep and bass baritone): WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS DARK AND UNHOLY WERE YOU THINKING?! YOU LET STEPHANIE MEYER INTO THE VAULT OF IDEAS EVEN I THINK SHOULD NEVER BE TOUCHED!?!!? (Cut to Kourtney Kardashian)

Kourtney Kardashian: Like chillax! It was a while ago and she like needed an idea for a book series so I let her in and she found it and turned it into a goldmine! (Cut to Lucifer in Evileena’s room)

Lucifer (Sounding deep and bass baritone): BUT I PUT IT IN THERE FOR A REASON! I WAS GOING TO USE IT TO LURE THE MOST DESPERATE WRITER OF ALL TIME TO SELL WHAT REMAINED OF THEIR SOUL TO HAVE ONE LAST BIT OF SUCCESS BEFORE I DRAGGED THAT POOR BASTARD BACK TO HELL AND TAKE ALL OF THOSE WHO FOLLOWED HIM DOWN WITH THE POOR BASTARD! (Cut to Kourtney Kardashian)

Kourtney Kardashian: Well, Hollywood made five movies from them after Summit Pictures got the rights to make the movies. (Cut to Lucifer in Evileena’s room)

Lucifer (Sounding deep and bass baritone): FIVE MOVIES? BUT HOW? I ONLY HAD ENOUGH DARK ENERGY FOR FOUR BOOKS! HOW WERE THEY ABLE TO DO FIVE MOVIES?! (Cut to Kourtney Kardashian)

Kourtney Kardashian: Summit Pictures broke the last book into two parts of a movie. (Cut to Lucifer in Evileena’s room groaning before cutting back to Kourtney Kardashian)

Kourtney Kardashian: Then they really promoted the living daylights out of all of the movies. (Cut to Lucifer in Evileena’s room groaning before cutting back to Kourtney Kardashian)

Kourtney Kardashian: And made enough money to turn Summit into a legitimate Production Company… (Cut to Lucifer in Evileena’s room groaning before cutting back to Kourtney Kardashian)

Kourtney Kardashian: …and Stephanie enough cash that she can swim in it!

Lucifer (Sounding deep and bass baritone): YOU WHORE OF NO VIRTUE! (Cut to Kourtney Kardashian listening to Lucifer)

Lucifer (off screen, sounding deep and bass baritone): ONE MORE OUTBURST AND I SWEAR ON ALL THAT IS DARK AND UNHOLY THAT EVEN I WOULDN’T ASSOCIATE MYSELF WITH AND YOU KNOW WHO, I WILL SEE TO IT I SEND ALL OF YOU HERE WITHIN THE NEXT FEW MONTHS! EVEN ALL THOSE WHO WERE FORMERLY AND CURRENTLY ASSOCIATED WITH YOU WILL SUFFER THE SAME WRATH! (Cut to Lucifer in Evileena’s room)

Lucifer (Sounding deep and bass baritone): And heaven help you if you haven’t been able to keep your hands on the Master Copies of the movies. (Cut to Kourtney Kardashian)

Kourtney Kardashian: Well I sold them on E-Bay. (Cut to Lucifer in Evileena’s room)

Lucifer (High pitched): WHAT?! (Cut to Kourtney Kardashian)

Kourtney Kardashian: I sold it them to someone to torture someone who pissed them off. (Cut to Lucifer in Evileena’s room)

Lucifer (Sounding deep and bass baritone): CERBERUS’ NINE BALLS THEY’RE OUT IN THE HUMAN WORLD?! (Cut to Kourtney Kardashian listening to Lucifer)

Lucifer (off screen, sounding deep and bass baritone): Heaven help the person who will be tormented by them because I can’t do a thing for them. (Cut to Lucifer in Evileena’s room)

Lucifer (Sounding deep and bass baritone): You better hope to whatever other deity you believe in that they’re found so I can send them, the books and Stephanie straight to hell myself! (Cut to Kourtney Kardashian)

Kourtney Kardashian: Like chillax, they’re being used for the right purpose. (Kourtney gives her usual wicked smile as the scene cuts to James Faraci jumping onto his main lobby’s couch with his bowl of Quaker Oats Oatmeal Squares cereal to cut to the Calendar to see it’s October then cut to James as he sighs)

TLOTA: Well better get this over with. (James grabs the Remote for the TV and is nanoseconds away from turning it on before he sighs again and then turns to the Audience.)

TLOTA: You know what’s funny? I’m actually getting used to “The Maven Of The Eventide” coming and disrupting my October activities. In fact, I dare say she’s starting becoming a part of my October activities, and you know what, I hope she does something more creative like say come up from behind me… (Camera cuts back to see The Maven Of The Eventide”, Paulo Fonseca & Rebecca Yaun rise up behind James) And probably say something like…

TLOTA (While the pantomiming of “The Maven Of The Eventide” is being voiced by “Maven”): Hello James, it is time for you to pay for liking The Twilight Saga Once And For All!

TLOTA (Normal): To which my response would be “Hello Maven, I’d love to a crossover, a review or whatever it is you want me to review with you but I’ve got plans.”

Maven Of The Eventide (Behind James): Oh what would that be? Eating your despair away.

Paulo Fonseca: Actually I think he’d be more or less inclined to just sit there & just feel sorry for himself.

Rebecca Yaun: While faking a smile to Trick or Treaters as he hands out candy and other goodies on Halloween.

TLOTA: Ho Kay I wouldn’t believe Paulo and or Rebecca would turn on me nor would The Maven be saying that unless…. (Cut to James turning and being surprised by The Maven Of The Eventide being accompanied by Paulo Fonseca and Rebecca Yaun before cutting to James looking at the three.)

TLOTA: Maven! Paulo! Rebecca! WHAT IN THE NAME OF ZEUS’ BUTTHOLE IS GOING ON?! (Cut to Paulo, Rebecca and Maven)

Rebecca: Oh you know what you have to review to get rid of her. (Cut to James’ face pondering what Rebecca is talking about.)

Paulo (Audio only): The one movie you know you cannot avoid. (Cut to Paulo, Rebecca and Maven)

Maven Of The Eventide: The one that haunts your very existence! (Cut to James’ face pondering before cutting back to Paulo, Rebecca and Maven)

Maven Of The Eventide: The Twilight Saga… (Cut to James)

TLOTA: NO! (Cut to Paulo, Rebecca and Maven)

Maven Of The Eventide: Breaking Dawn… (Cut to James)

TLOTA: NO! (Cut to Paulo, Rebecca and Maven)

Maven Of The Eventide: Part Two! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: NO DAMN IT NO! YOU CAN NOT PAY ME ENOUGH TO REVIEW IT, IT’LL BE A DAY WHEN ICE HOCKEY IS BEING PLAYED ON THE RIVER STYX BEFORE I REVIEW THAT CRAP! I’M NOT GONNA REVIEW “BREAKING DAWN PART TWO”… (Cut to Paulo, Rebecca and Maven)

TLOTA (Audio only): YOU’RE NOT GONNA MAKE ME REVIEW IT! PAULO AND REBECCA WON’T FORCE ME TO REVIEW IT. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: I WILL NEVER REVIEW “BREAKING DAWN PART TWO” FOR ALL THE JASMINE TEA IN CHINA, ALL THE GOLD IN FORT KNOX, ALL THE SNOW IN THE ALPS, AND ALL OF THE WORLD’S MOST RARE FORTUNES WON’T MAKE ME REVIEW “BREAKING DAWN PART TWO”!  (Three shadows pop up behind James as the one in the center played by Paul “Paw” Schuler speaks.)

Paw (Audio only): Well perhaps we can motivate you.

TLOTA: We? (James turns as the camera becomes first perspective to see Eliza Dushku to the right of “Paw” & Traci Hines to the left of “Paw” and they’ve got baseball bats before cutting to James looking at the three)

TLOTA: PAW! ELIZA? TRACI? (Cut to Traci right handedly and Eliza left handedly pimp smacking James with their baseball bats causing him to fly over the couch and his head hitting the back of the couch)

Eliza Dushku (audio only): Batter up! Bitch boy! (Cut to James arms being stretched as he is tied up to the back of the couch and his legs being held open by Paulo Fonseca & Rebecca Yaun and The Maven Of The Eventide, Eliza Dushku and Traci Hines surround James’ head)

Maven, Eliza & Traci (In Unison): Review “The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part Two”!

TLOTA: NEVER! (Maven gives a look to Paw which signals him to use the baseball bat onto James’ nards in which he does and James screams in agony before cutting back to Maven, Eliza and Traci!)

Maven, Eliza & Traci (In Unison): Review “The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part Two”! (Cut to James)

TLOTA (Sounding slightly higher in pitch): NEVER! (Maven gives which Paw the signal to use the baseball bat onto James’ nards again in which James screams in a slightly higher pitched agony as the three laugh in sadistic joy before cutting back to James!)

TLOTA (Now sounding like one of the Chipmunks): I’LL SEE YOU THREE IN HELL YOU STEAMPUNK PSYCHOPATHS! (Paw uses the baseball bat onto James’ nards one more time in which James screams in an even higher pitched agony!)

TLOTA (Now sounding like Fred Figglehorn): D’OH! YOU DEMONIC DAUGHTERS OF DRACULA! TELL THE REST OF YOUR VAMPIRIC VIXEN GUILD THEY CAN SUCK SOMETHING BESIDES MY BLOOD! (Maven gives a look to Paw which signals him to grab a cauldron as scene cuts to James’ face coughing out phlegm)

TLOTA (Sounding normal): WHAT ARE YOU DOING? (Cut to Paw lifting the cauldron)

TLOTA (Audio only): WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! OH GOD NO NOT THAT! NOT THAT! (Cut to James shaking his head in fear)

TLOTA: ANYTHING BUT THAT! (Cut to Paw carrying the cauldron over)

TLOTA (Audio only): OH GOD NO! GOD NO! NO! NO! (Paw dumps a trillion requests to review “The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part Two” on James as he shakes his head)

TLOTA (Screaming while shaking his head): N-N-NOOOOOOOOOO! NOT THE REQUESTS! NOT THE REQUESTS! OH GOD THEY’RE ALL OVER ME! (James screams in agony and shake his head as The Maven, Eliza & Traci smile in demented glee)

TLOTA (Screaming while shaking his head): OH THEY’RE IN MY FACE! OH THEY’RE IN MY EYES! MY EYES! I’VE SEEN SO MANY REQUESTS FROM MY INBOXES THAT THEY’RE FREAKIN ENGRAINED IN MY EYES! (James continues to shake his head and scream in agony as “Maven”, Eliza Dushku and Traci Hines smile in demented glee before cutting to James’ face)

TLOTA: ALL RIGHT! I SUBMIT! I SUBMIT!  I’LL DO IT! I’LL DO IT! I’LL DO IT! (The requests dissipate)

TLOTA (Exhausted): I’ll do it. I’ll do it. I’ll do it. I’ll review “The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part Two”! (James screams and cries as the door squeaks open and the camera pulls up to see John & Mike Santos, Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke enter through the front door)

Eric: Uh Hi! What’s going on? (Cut to Maven, Paw, Paulo Fonseca & Rebecca Yaun, Traci Hines & Eliza Dushku)

Paulo: Well… We’re uh….

Rebecca: That is uh… (Cut to John, Mike, Renee & Eric)

John: I’m gonna take a guess. You four convinced Paulo & Rebecca to try to force James to review something he doesn’t want to. (Cut to Maven, Paw, Paulo & Rebecca, Traci & Eliza nodding yes before cutting back to John & Mike, Renee & Eric)

Mike: And you guys did torture that even The Geneva Convention would think isn’t kosher. (Cut to Maven, Paw, Paulo & Rebecca, Traci & Eliza nodding yes before cutting back to John & Mike, Renee & Eric)

Renee: Well, seeing as how you did what you did to get James to do your bidding, there’s only one thing to do to make things square. (Cut to Maven, Paw, Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca, Traci Hines & Eliza Dushku)

Traci Hines: What are you four going to do? (Cut to John, Mike, Renee & Eric with a bit of wickedness in their smiles)

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2014 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James getting hit with an uppercut by Trina Mason to James punching Dr. Plotsz, to Paulo Fonseca & Rebecca Yaun saying Groovy, to James and Rowdy running into the Happy Madison crowd, to James’ eyes turning white with blue streaks of lightning coming out of them, to James taking on the wicked then culminating in the moment when Lea Michele reveals herself to be a vampire and zooming into James’ screaming mouth until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James right hand comes out of the dark holding a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo Fonseca, John Santos & Eric Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca Yaun, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to Paulo Fonseca & Rebecca Yaun, Paw, Traci Hines & Eliza Dushku tied down to the couch while John & Mike Santos, Renee Miller & Eric Kurtzke are armed with long range rifles and handguns )

Traci Hines: Why are you doing this?

Eric Kurtzke: Punishment for torturing our Friend and colleague until the Review is over you four are stuck under our armed guard.

Eliza Dushku (Stands up while still tied up): Did any of you guys ever see “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” & “Angel”? You know I was “Faith”, right? Well if you loosen my bonds, I’ll make it worth it for at least three of you maybe all four of you. (John, Mike, Eric & Renee giggle and blush a bit before Renee places her handgun on Eliza’s privates)

Renee: Try that again and I’ll shoot you there so many times, you’ll have bullets coming out of ya when it’s that time of the month from now until Menopause! GOT IT?! (Eliza smiles and says “GOTCHA!” and sits right back down.)

Paw: You guys do know me and the Maven do have a child we’ve got to take care of.

Mike Santos: Not to worry, until the review is over we have two highly qualified babysitters. (Cut to Baby Grey sitting smiling in a highchair in James’ office kitchen as James’ nieces Madison & Mallory try to feed him)

Mallory: Eat your food bubbies, eat your food.  (Baby Grey babbles and laughs as he throws the food onto Mallory & Madison who is sniffing around.)

Madison: Mallory, do you smell that? (Mallory sniffs around)

Mallory: ORAC? Where is that stink coming from?

ORAC (Audio only): The smell is coming from Grey’s Diapers.

Mallory: Rock, Paper, Scissors to see who will change him?

Madison: Seriously? (Madison & Mallory pop their heads out the doorway and call for their mom before cutting to everyone save for Madison & Mallory, The Maven & James out on the couch in the Lobby)

Traci Hines: I need to… you know, use the bathroom.

John Santos: Renee, loosen her knots and keep her in front of you.

Renee Miller: All right and any funny business and you’re gonna get it! (Renee holds Traci Hines at gunpoint as the two walk to the bathroom)

Rebecca Yaun: You know who I really feel sorry for?

Paulo Fonseca: Who? (Cut to James who is pacing back and forth and The Maven Of The Eventide in the office chair to James’ right in James’ office as The Maven Of The Eventide’s opening music)

Maven Of The Eventide (Sounding like a female Bela Lugosi): Good evening. I… (Needle Scratches as James stops)

TLOTA (Audio only): OH SHUT UP YOU… (James sits down next to the Maven Of The Eventide)

TLOTA: KRISTEN WIIG COSPLAYING AS STEVIE NICKS WANNABE! I’M JAMES FARACI THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS AND THE VIEWS THAT I’M ABOUT TO EXPRESS ARE THAT OF MY OWN AND SOME OF YOURS! LET’S DO THIS! (Cut to the Opening Credit Scene of “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part Two” then cut to clips of the movie as James and The Maven Of The Eventide do a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Yes folks, I’m finally giving in to requests and I am going to review what maybe the bottom of the barrel of The Twilight Saga.

Maven (Voiceover): As if the Barrel had a top or a Paramount to begin with. (Cut to James & The Maven Physically)

TLOTA: You know something, working my last nerve is not gonna work out well for you so now would be a good time for you to SHUT UP! But for those who missed out of my first run on myspace allow me to give you a brief recap of what I think of the other “Twilight Saga” movies. (Cut to clips of the first “Twilight Saga” movie while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The first movie was for me surprisingly entertaining. That’s right I actually thought the first movie wasn’t that bad though trust me a lot of it didn’t come from the acting or the characters or the story, for me it was the atmosphere of it, there was a very stylized darkness to it which lent itself to the movie but that some unexpected side effects when I saw it in theaters. (Cut to James sitting in the theaters hearing sexual orgasmic sounds while James tries to have some popcorn and watch the movie before cutting to James & The Maven)

The Maven Of The Eventide: Yeah right, I’m sure the people in the theaters were making Vampire Whoopee because of how Stylized the dark atmosphere was.

TLOTA: THEY WERE! Which led me to see the remainder of the franchise on DVD so I didn’t have to hear what I had heard when I sat through the first one. (Cut to clips of the remaining “Twilight Saga” movies until “Breaking Dawn Part Two” while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): “New Moon” & “Eclipse” while not bad wasn’t as decent as the first one. It felt less dark and more stylized and trust me when I say while they were trying to build on the foundation that the first “Twilight” movie had by expanding the mythos of the vampires, adding werewolves and all that they also made one of the main elements of the first movie suffer. The romance between Edward & Bella became convoluted by throwing Jacob into the mix and while yes the acting remained solid, everything started to feel stale.

The Maven Of The Eventide (Voiceover): If by solid you mean deader than a victim of a vampire.

TLOTA (Voiceover): Keep it up and you’ll get a stake in that place “you know where”.

The Maven Of The Eventide (Voiceover): Grumpy!

TLOTA (Voiceover): SHUT UP! As I was saying, the reason the stories felt less entertaining was without the stylized darkness of the first one it just felt like rehashing the first one without anything new to add to it. So much so “Breaking Dawn Part One” was such a cluster that it felt like a lot of it was rushing to make the second part the best one. I mean it, they rushed through Edward & Bella getting married, having their whirlwind honeymoon and getting Bella knocked up just so after giving birth to their child she could be converted to being a vampire. (Cut to James & The Maven physically)

TLOTA: And I’ve delayed the inevitable for long enough, this is it, the one I’ve dreaded reviewing, here we go “Breaking Dawn Part Two”. (Cut to the movie as James & The Maven Of The Eventide do voiceovers)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So the movie picks up after Bella played by Kristen Stewart having just converted from being a human being to being a vampire.

The Maven Of The Eventide (Voiceover): Well at least she’s no longer hiding that she is a bloodsucking demon of the night!

TLOTA (Voiceover): You’re really into testing the remains of the fumes of my patience, aren’t ya? Anyway Edward played by Robert Pattinson decides instead of seeing the baby the two had in the last freaking movie, Edward instead decides to teach Bella how to control her thirst first. Why? So they can show some very well shot in depth images of the woods.

The Maven Of The Eventide (Voiceover): And to make sure Bella decides not to snack on her daughter.

TLOTA (Voiceover): Oh yeah that too silly me. But as she stalks her prey Bella sniffs a guy cutting his knee on a mountain and just as you think she’s gonna eat the guy, Edward steps in and I just like that smile on his face as if he’s thinking to himself “This woman is gonna be the death of me but I’m gonna enjoy the ride anyway” (Cut to the clip of Bella stalking her prey when she attacks the cougar instead of the deer before cutting to James and the Maven Physically)

TLOTA: Well how about that, Kristen Stewart is into cougars. (The Maven Backhand smacks James as the scene cuts back to the movie as The Maven Of The Eventide does a voiceover)

The Maven Of The Eventide (Voiceover): So after discovering one of her abilities is being able to control her thirst which is a bit of a surprise to Edward, they meet up with Jacob played by Taylor Lautner and Bella discovers something about Jacob she didn’t know when Bella was human.

Bella: Well, I can see what everyone's been talking about. Jake, you really do stink. (They all laugh as the scene cuts to James & The Maven physically)

TLOTA: So that is the resolution of that whole “Love Triangle” thing ?So where’s the story gonna go from here?

The Maven Of The Eventide: Well the focus shifts to Renesmee

TLOTA: Who?

The Maven Of The Eventide: Renesmee. (James looks at The Maven with a questioning look on his face)

The Maven Of The Eventide: Renesmee, The Baby that Edward and Bella had in the previous movie.

TLOTA: Renesmee? (Maven Nods her head to signal yes) Seriously the plot is now gonna focus on Renesmee? (Maven Nods her head to signal yes) Well maybe it can work, I mean who knows what’s gonna…. (Cut to the CGI baby then cut to James and The Maven smiling then turning into screams of absolute fear then cut to when Bella is holding the CGI Baby then cut to James & The Maven Screaming then to a still of the CGI Baby with its creepy smile zooming in as the screaming subsides then cuts to James & The Maven Of The Eventide sitting and shaking in fear and the two taking a deep breath and then continue to scream in fear as the camera zooms into James’ mouth into a black screen with green waves before the camera turns to discover Evileena listening in.)

Evileena (Sounding sweet and young): All right, I knew listening to Mr. Quesada’s work on “One More Day” would pay off eventually! (Evileena takes off the headphones as James & The Maven Of The Eventide’s screams resonate in her room as the scene cuts to Lucifer going over plans.)

Lucifer (Sounding deep and bass baritone): NO! Damn it! The Obama Plaza must be bigger remember, it’s not only him, it’s his ego, his wife & her ego, their kids and their egos, everyone and the people who voted for him and their egos and …

Evileena (off-screen, sounding sweet and young): Daddy! Daddy! (Evileena crashes and destroys the plans for the Obama Plaza)

Lucifer (Sounding deep and bass baritone): Sweetheart, this better be important!

Evileena (Sounding sweet and young): I found them! I found the Master Copies!

Lucifer (Sounding deep and bass baritone): That’s great! Where is it?

Evileena (Sounding sweet and young): Sullivan County New York

Lucifer (Sounding deep and bass baritone): Well who has it now?

(Evileena gives her father a smile that is wicked as the scene cuts to 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return to James & Maven Screaming in absolute fear for three seconds before the two calm down and take a few relaxing breaths for two seconds)

TLOTA: What else can be said except, YOWZA!

Maven: YOWZA?! That’s all you can say is YOWZA?!

TLOTA: Well obviously that AND I can take comfort in knowing that CGI Nightmare is WAY creepier than of course THIS FREAKING CREEPY CGI nightmare! (Cut to the clip from “Son Of The Mask” in which Alvey sings “Hello My Baby” intercut with The Maven Of The Eventide looking disturbed and James having a look of bemusement until the clip ends in which the scene cuts to James & The Maven standing up)

Maven & TLOTA (In unison): Check Please! (Cut to the movie as James & The Maven Of The Eventide do voiceovers)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But the crazy creepy ca-ca continues to careen as Jacob subtly tells Bella that he imprinted on Renesmee! Bella handles it by wanting to give Jacob the Bob Barker treatment!

Maven (Voiceover): “The Bob Barker Treatment”? What are you talking….Oh now I get it! Yowza! Oh damn it now I’m saying it!

Jacob: Do you remember how much you wanted to be around me three days ago? That's gone now, right?

Bella: Long gone!

Jacob: Because it was her. From the beginning, it was Nessie who wanted me there.

Bella: Nessie? YOU NICKNAMED MY DAUGHTER AFTER THE LOCK NESS MONSTER?! (Cut to James jumping back shouting Badaboombah! As The Maven looks at James with bemusement then anger.)

Maven Of The Eventide: Now what is it?

TLOTA: You didn’t see that?

Maven Of The Eventide: No, What was I supposed to see?

TLOTA: Of course you didn’t see it because of the bad delivery of that dialogue but slow it down, you’ll see it! (Cut to slowed down footage of Bella saying “You nicknamed my daughter after the Lock Ness Monster?!” when she says “Monster” an explosion in the film is seen and a demon’s face shouting “I’ll Swallow Your Soul” repeatedly is imposed on Kirsten Stewart’s face before cutting to The Maven Of The Eventide looking scared and James having the look of bemusement as he walks up and out then comes back one second later with a loaded Double Barrel 12 Gauge Shotgun then locks it up and aims it at the demon.)

TLOTA: SWALLOW THIS! (James fires the shotgun and kills the Demon as it goes groans in pain and dies before cutting back to James & The Maven)

Maven Of The Eventide: Not bad.

TLOTA: Thanks. (Cut to the movie as James & The Maven do voiceovers)

TLOTA (Voiceover): However just as things couldn’t get worse Charlie played by Billy Burke is concerned that Bella might not have survived so in order to save their own behinds The Cullen Clan decide to leave town until Charlie drops dead. Worried he might lose his imprinted love, which trust me I’d be calling the 16^th precinct’s Special Victims Unit so fast Jacob wouldn’t have time to wolf out before they locked him up, Jacob tells Charlie that Bella survived and then turns into a werewolf in front of Charlie. (Cut to James & The Maven Physically)

TLOTA: WHY?! Wouldn’t that cause Charlie to question everything? Wouldn’t that make Charlie wonder who his daughter actually married and wouldn’t that make… nothing of consequence happens doesn’t it?

Maven Of The Eventide: Nope! As a matter of fact… (Cut to the movie as James & The Maven do voiceovers)

Maven Of The Eventide (Voiceover): Jacob actually suggests Charlie go to Bella and in possibly the most accidentally funniest moment in the entire franchise the Cullens actually teach Bella to act human.

TLOTA (Voiceover): Seriously? The Blood sucking creatures of the night are going to try to give acting lessons to Kristen Stewart?! Excuse me for a moment. (Audio of James walking, closing the door and proceeds to laugh so hard a wet excrement sound is heard then some cloths being swooped, a door being opened and James sitting down.)

Maven Of The Eventide (Voiceover): Feel better?

TLOTA (Voiceover): As a matter of fact yes and after Charlie meets the CGI abomination that’s supposed to be his “Granddaughter” everything seems to just be fine, not much happens except for worrying about Renesmee’s future because she was born half Vampire and half human, Renesmee seems to be growing at an extremely rapid pace so they decide to treat every day like it could be her last and enjoy every second they can with her. One day when Renesmee, Okay this is getting silly every time I say her name, I’m just calling her Ren and that’s it!  One day when Ren now being played by Mackenzie Foy, is out with Jacob & Bella to find snowflakes, Irina played by Maggie Grace discovers Ren and instead of waiting and meeting her in person she goes to the Volturi & their leader Aro played by Michael Sheen who I swear is enjoying eating the scenery with a side of Ham and Cheese with a smile on his face because he knows he’ll be putting this role near the bottom of his resume because just… Just watch this guy go into Nicolas Cage ham territory! (Show clips of Michael Sheen just hamming it up as Aro before cutting to James & The Maven Of The Eventide.)

Maven Of The Eventide: Well I think Michael Sheen took what was given to him... (James gives The Maven Of The Eventide a look as if to say to her “Are you serious?”)

Maven Of The Eventide: I’m just gonna be quiet before I dig myself even deeper. (Cut to the movie as James & The Maven do voiceovers)

Maven Of The Eventide (Voiceover): After seeing what Irina saw, The Volturi decide to gather their forces should a conflict ensue. This give Alice a vision of what might be all because Edward & Bella had Ren. You know something you’re right, saying Ren is a lot less silly. But to understand why things might come to blows there were rules made that young kids cannot be converted because they cannot be controlled and anyone who did such a thing, well…. Let’s say it doesn’t wind up well for anyone who sired and was sired in the situation. (Show clip of Irina and her sisters watching as their mother is destroyed and the sired child gets mercilessly thrown into a fire before cutting to James who has a heavily disturbed look on his face & The Maven sitting next to him without surprise on her face.)

TLOTA: SWEET BUTTERY JESUS MOVIE! (Cut to the movie as James & The Maven do voiceovers)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I knew somethings were gonna be insane but YOWZA! Even I couldn’t do that to a kid, even if they had become a vampire or werewolf or whatever! But as we the audience know Ren wasn’t sired she was born and grows daily so things may be different for her but to play it safe Alice played by Ashley Greene & Jasper played by Jackson Rathbone decide to head out to get evidence meanwhile, the rest of the Cullens gather their own forces in case a battle does breakout but mainly they’re just characters who can do incredible things but get little to no screen time I wonder if I’ll care what they will do after this battle is over, meanwhile Bella discovers that Alice left a clue for her in a copy of “The Merchant Of Venice” to meet a guy named J. Jenks in Seattle. She finds out that Alice had contacted him to get some papers and those papers just so happen to be passports for Jacob & Ren.

Maven Of The Eventide (Voiceover): Which just so happens to be a huge difference between what happens in the book and in the movie. (Cut to James & The Maven Of The Eventide physically)

TLOTA: My sister has the books, I know about the differences because she spoke about those books and trust me I know what the differences are. I was trying to focus it on the movie.

Maven Of The Eventide: Well Excuuuse me, Jackanape if I wanted to inform people in case they didn’t know that it wasn’t Alice that set up that stuff it was Bella who asked J. Jenks as a precautionary backup in case the proverbial kimchi hit the fan is that alright with you, ya vampire hating human? (Cut to the movie as James & The Maven do voiceovers)

Maven Of The Eventide (Voiceover): And to keep Charlie safe Bella and Edward send him on a fishing expedition. So the day Alice foresaw has arrived with Dr. Carlisle Cullen played by Peter Facinelli and his clan on one side and on the other The Volturi & its leader Aro! Aro wants to see Ren and discovers she’s half human and half vampire and rather than take the chance and let her live, they decide they want to put the kibosh on her existence!

TLOTA (Voiceover): Are you serious? Hell even I know it’s a load straight out of Grey’s Diapers. But thankfully Alice and Jasper returns with a vision for Aro or something like that.

Maven Of The Eventide (Voiceover): Maybe it’s me but I’ve got an inkling of a feeling that you’re into Ashley Greene. Am I right?

TLOTA (Voiceover): WILL YOU PLEASE FOCUS ON THE JOB AT HAND?!  At any rate, Alice realizes she could show Aro a future in which Vampires decide They’re better off raising human beings for Cattle and Ren joining the Volturi to do that but it wouldn’t matter, Ren has to meet her end which makes Dr. Cullen make the ultimate sacrifice. (Show clip of Aro holding Dr. Cullen’s head as the rest of his clan watch in shock as the dispose of everything about Dr. Cullen which signals Bella to have Jacob run with Renesmee on her back and an epic battle commences and then we cut to James unable to hold back his happiness for the battle as The Maven Of The Eventide tries to show James what actually happens in the book, James throws it out of frame as he is excited to see the brawl when it ends with Aro standing and cutting to James looking at the fact he’s still alive and none of the characters went to war with a look of extremely intense anger on his face which then cuts to the Couch where Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca, Traci Hines, Eliza Dushku & Paw are still tied up but Paw has gotten his eyes crossed and there’s a joy on his face)

Paw: Oooh! Oooh! Oh HELL YES I can feel it, Oh wow! YOWZA!

Traci Hines: Is he okay?

Eliza Dushku: I don’t have a clue about this. Hey you two know him better, do you know what in the name of all that is right in the world is wrong with that guy?

Paulo Fonseca & Rebecca Yaun (In Unison): No Freaking Idea!

Paw (Sounding like Profion played by Jeremy Irons from “Dungeons & Dragons”): OH YES! OH WHAT A LOVELY RAGE, THERE IS SUCH RAGE COMING OUT OF THERE IT COULD FEED ME FOREVER, HO NELLY! WHAT RAGE! IT IS A WHOPPER! FEED ME YOUR RAGE, JAMES FARACI THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS! (Paw does the hand and Hatch-tich-tich-tich-tich of Profion from “Dungeons & Dragons” as the others move slightly to the right as Paw continues to the Hatch-tich-tich-tich-tich before cutting to James and the Maven of The Eventide in his office quarters and James still looks angry.)

TLOTA: So all that buildup from the past four movies and nearly one and a half hours of this one and it was just all of Alice’s vision?! (James snorts in and out for five seconds before giving an deep snort in and he has his fists raised which lets The Maven of The Eventide know to get out of dodge before James explodes) No!

Maven Of The Eventide: No? Just what do you mean by no?

TLOTA: I will not get so angry that I blow my studio out of existence. I will instead channel that anger into taking it out on all the Characters who are there and I know just exactly how to deal with this. (James grabs a detonator off panel and turns it on before cutting to the Rowdy Reviewer)

Rowdy Reviewer: I just wish I could do something to get out the rest of my rage towards this…. (A loud off screen explosion is heard as Rowdy turns to the left and then turns to the right)  JEANNIE! GET ME INTO BATTLE GEAR AND BLINK ME TO FORKS WASHINGTON! (Cut to the Nostalgia Critic)

Nostalgia Critic: Hello I’m The Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don’t have to… (A loud off screen explosion is heard as The Nostalgia Critic turns to the left and then turns to the right) MALCOLM! TAMARA! GET THE GENERAL! (Cut to Spoony)

Spoony: Here’s an idea creators of Final Fantasy, let me come up with the ideas for these games from now on! (A loud off screen explosion is heard as Linkara turns to the left and then turns to the camera) Excuse me everyone, Duty calls! (Spoony grabs a military helmet then runs out before cutting to The Blockbuster Buster hearing the explosion before teleporting out of picture before cutting to Linkara)

Linkara: Hello and welcome to “Atop The Fourth Wall” where bad comics… (A loud off screen explosion is heard as Linkara turns to the left and then turns to the right) Nimue, it’s time! (Linkara dissolve teleports before cutting to Forks, Washington as a tremor that registers a 3.5 on the Richter Scale is felt by all the Vampires and Werewolves in that snowy mountainside as Aro looks and points to Dr. Cullen’s right as an echo of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans shouting “OKAY EVERYBODY, LET’S WIPE THEM OUT!” as the music from the start of the final brawl from “Blazing Saddles” is heard as a flood of angry Internet reviewers including James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, Angry Joe, Spoony, The Irate Gamer, The Angry Video Game Nerd and Mother Fucker Mike, The Nostalgia Kid, Chris T. Ian and so many others from Channel Awesome, Cinemassacre & The Reviewerverse run to and outnumber all of the vampires and werewolves fifty to one as one of the Cullens’ witnesses gets kicked in the nards so hard he gets split in half by Chris T. Ian and The Nostalgia Kid tosses a Molotov Cocktail onto the remains)

Chris T. Ian: FORGIVE ME LORD! (Cut to a marching band of doom consisting of “Film Brain”, Todd In The Shadows, Jamietud, The Comic Book Critic, Bobcat Joe & many others as they play the music from “Blazing Saddles” for a few seconds before turning their musical instruments into flamethrowers! The music continues in the background as the battle rages before cutting to Dante Basco shouting “Honor” repeatedly and throwing fireballs that are killing Vampires and Werewolves before getting caught by Emmett Cullen in mid shout of “Honor” and chuckles)

Dante Basco: Bangarang? (Emmett tosses Dante Basco up and off screen & Dante Basco screams as he’s being flung out as The Nostalgia Critic shouts off screen “YOU SON OF A…” then comes on screen to shout out “BITCH!” as he tosses a lit Molotov Cocktail on Emmett Cullen then a scream and a thud from a distance is heard and in that same distance someone shouts “MY CABBAGES!” then cut to the continuing battle as James gets sucker punched by Rowdy and he apologizes for the sucker punch and the two dive head first into battle before cutting to Paw & The Maven and a few Vampires sing in harmony “Ja! Ja! Ja! Ja!” before cutting to an overview shot of the brawl before cutting back to see the backstage of the Time Warner Cable building on New York Rt. 52 in Sullivan County New York as “The French Mistake” is heard as the scene cuts into a studio in which a bunch of singers sing “The French Mistake” and do the well-choreographed dance routine, except at the end when one of the dancers falls over causing a chain reaction that causes all the other dancers to fall as well and the Director played by JonTron shouts “Alright, CUT!” off screen before walking into the frame.)

The Director: WRONG! It’s so simple! Can I get the audio playback? And… Watch Me Work It! (Sings and does the dance and lip synchs the song and lands in the water and says to himself “Damn!”)

The Director: HAVE YOU GOT THAT?! (All of the dancers say “Yes” with a bit of snide as they hiss the “S” part of the yes) Sounds like steam is escaping. PLAYBACK! WAIT UNTIL I’M OFF STAGE READY AND ACTION!  (The singers sing “The French Mistake” and do the well-choreographed dance routine, except for the fact the take is blown as James and everyone from the reviewerverse breaking in and continuing their brawl with the Vampires and Werewolves from “The Twilight Saga” and complete chaos erupts when the director yells “CUT!” then cutting to see Linkara and E-Rod about a split second from vaporizing a werewolf, James & Rowdy having just taken down yet another Vampire, Alex DeCourville and Marzgurl having two katana blades on Marcus from the Volturi, before cutting back to the director)

The Director: JUST WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU PEOPLE THINK YOU’RE DOING HERE?! THIS IS A CLOSED SET! (Asalieri walks up to the director right handed fist ready to knock the director out until next millennium.)

Asalieri: PISS ON YOU! We’re with James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans!

The Director: Not in the face! (Asalieri gives the Director a swift kick in the cojones!)

The Director (High pitched): Thank You! (The director collapses before cutting to the Dancers and one played by Chris Colfer speaks up)

The Dancer: They’ve hit Jonny! Come on guys! Let’s show them what we’re made of! (“The French Mistake” instrumental plays in the background as the brawl continues before cutting to see a Vampire getting axed off and a dancer falling into the fountain pool as The Irate Gamer chuckles)

Dancer: Why you vulgar bugger! (Smacks The Irate Gamer on the top of the head with a cane.)

The Irate Gamer: Why you fruity little pansy! (The Irate Gamer punches the dancer into the tunnel and follows him in and out the other end.) I’m actually parked over by the Commissary. (Cut to the whole brawl for three seconds before seeing a dancer sissy punch Benzaie)

Dancer: You Brute! You Brute! You Brute! You Vicious, Vicious Brute! (The Dancer cries on Benzaie’s shoulder)

Benzaie: There, there! There, there! (Cut to Two of the dancers doing a synchronized swim in the pool while thudding punches are heard in the background for two seconds before cutting to the Brawl in which “The Wrestling Mark” is on top of a staircase and does a Superfly leap off the top of the Staircase before cutting to the inside of the commissary where a lot of actors in costume are dining. One being played by Jack Graves and the other being played by the man behind “Black Face Kermit”)

Actor (J.G.): So when’s your last day?

Actor (B.F.K.): They’re done with me after I shoot from the book depository. (The Brawl erupts into the commissary as everyone in there begins to brawl everywhere in the commissary then cut to Film Brain & Mike J clocking Dr. Cullen with two cricket bats down the commissary before hitting the cash register.)

The Cashier (Played by Obscurus Lupa): Yankee Bean soup with Habaneros, Sriracha Coleslaw & Ghost Pepper Tuna Surprise! (Cut to Bella & Edward getting out of dodge incognito before cutting to the front gate as everyone busts out running before cutting to Edward & Bella taking James’ Dad’s Truck tossing James’ dad out and James & Rowdy grab “The General Lee” and ride after Bella & Edward before cutting to the AMC Multiplex at the Galleria at the Crystal Run in Middletown N.Y. with two of the movies on the Marquee being “Angry Video Game Nerd” The Movie & “Atop The Fourth Wall” the movie as Bella played by Rachel Tietz & Edward played by Thorn Winter hides on line and gets to the Box Office.)

Edward: Two please, Uh Students?

The theater employee (Played by Antoni Matteo Garcia): You’re kidding me right?

Bella: Just pay the extra.

Edward: Fine. Pains in my ass!  (Cut to the inside the movie theater where Edward and Bella accidentally pass through a few people down the aisle)

Bella & Edward (In unison): Sorry. (The Two sit and the scene cuts to the screen where James steps out of “The General Lee” then cutting to Bella & Edward trying to get out of the theater)

TLOTA (Off-screen): FREEZE IT! (Edward and Bella stop dead in their tracks as the scene cuts to James)

TLOTA: I am through playing Hippity hop at the Barbershop it’s time to end this in a fair fight. (Cut to Edward & Bella)

Bella: But you’re armed to the teeth and we’re packing fangs and well, the odds are slightly against you. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Uh When I said “Fair fight” I meant me and my buddy The Rowdy Reviewer axing Edward (Cut to Edward & Bella)

TLOTA (Voiceover): With our two lady friends eighty-sixing you Bella! (Traci Hines and Eliza Dushku jump down from out of nowhere, the both of them packing swords)

Bella: EDWARD! (Eliza and Traci decapitate Bella before cutting to Edward)

Edward: BELLA! (James and Rowdy sneak up behind Edward and decapitate him and Bella’s head wind up looking at Edward’s as their bodies collapse next to them before cutting to James, Rowdy, Traci & Eliza)

Eliza Dushku: Wow, we killed Edward & Bella from “Twilight”.

Rowdy: Well, this is a highlight in my life.

Traci Hines: So what do we do now?

TLOTA: We burn their bodies and then check out the rest of the review, I’ve got some strong stuff I can use to immolate them with. (James pulls out a bottle of Rum and everyone has a puzzled look on their faces) This belonged to a family member, I never drink this stuff, and I use it to ignite certain fires. Don’t ask. (James dumps the little remains of the Rum and Eliza strikes a match and tosses it onto the bodies causing a bonfire and the four walking away from the fire)

Eliza Dushku (Audio only): I hope something funny happens in the ending of it, I love a funny moment in a review. (The four walk away into the theater as the scene cuts to the four of them sitting in their seats in the theater before cutting back to James & The Maven Of The Eventide in James’ office quarters)

Maven Of The Eventide: Feel better?

TLOTA: Yep! Besides when I did research for Breaking Dawn they all talked it out and that’s how it ended in the book, but I guess the movie makers added in the battle for the poor schmoes who were forced by their girlfriends, wives, significant others to come along but I think after that twist this is what the tormented would’ve done… (Cut to a theater being ignited by a madman played by John Santos screaming “BURN BABY BURN!” and laughing maniacally for five seconds before cutting to the movie as James and The Maven Of The Eventide do voiceovers.)

The Maven Of The Eventide (Voiceover): But for those without Impulse Control Problems, Alice shows evidence of another Half Human/Half Vampire in existence and his diet consists of both Blood and Human Food and he turned his Aunt when he came of full maturity several years after being born. (Show images of other well-known half human/half vampires while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Well it’s so obvious that things turn out alright for creatures like them now doesn’t it? (Cut to The movie while James & The Maven of The Eventide do voiceovers)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And just like that The Volturi decide “Eh it ain’t worth it” and everything ends with no consequences to anyone except the audience, but wait let’s add in a creepy moment between the foursome and a vision from Alice showing Ren, fully matured in several years & Jacob and Edward & Bella and the movie ends with Bella showing an expansion of her abilities and Bella telling Edward she has Forever to grow. (Cut to James and The Maven Of The Eventide in James’ office quarters)

TLOTA: And by the by, Forever is gonna be how long before I forget this movie ever existed! (Sighs) Look, I could go on a rant and scream about how bad it is but in the end, it wouldn’t do me or anyone else any good because quite honestly, that what this movie franchise wants.

The Maven Of The Eventide: Crazy human with the American Flag on his shirt say what? (Cut to Clips of the entire “Twilight Saga” while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Yes, this movie and the ones that proceeded this one are not good by any stretch of the imagination. But if I were to get angry at what was meant to shine a light at not only teen romance tropes but also tropes about the absurdity of these fantasy creatures would be and act in the real world in this situation well then I’d be no different than the SJWs who decided “I hate “The Dukes Of Hazzard” even though I never saw an episode, all I know is that their car has a bad flag on it and the series has to go.” If you like it, I won’t hold it against you, if you don’t like it then that’s your prerogative. Me I’m Meh about the entire franchise and maybe that’s how you’re supposed to feel about this type of stupidity because everyone and their parents know this type of silly situation has been done better with the “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” TV Series and it has been handled FAR WORSE in other pieces of entertainment concerning this type of subject matter. (Cut to James & The Maven Of The Eventide in James’ office quarters)

TLOTA: However, if I had the Master copies of these movies, I would gladly do who hate these movies a favor and I would be the one to send them back to the depths of Hell in a hand basket myself just for them.

Maven Of The Eventide: Well speak of the devil’s name and he will appear. (The Maven Of The Eventide pulls from out of nowhere the Master Copies of “The Twilight Saga” movie franchise)

TLOTA: Purchased that off of EBay?

Maven Of The Eventide: Damn James, How did you know that?

TLOTA: To be honest, wild guess. But I shall relieve you of them. (James grabs the movies and cutting to an alleyway as James arms an RPG Launcher when a fireball comes up from the ground and Lucifer and Evileena appear from out of nowhere)

TLOTA: What the Funk & Wagnall’s is going on?

Lucifer (Sounding deep and bass baritone): Hi James, Just picking this up and returning it to where it and the idea of it came from back to where it belongs.

TLOTA: Cool

Evileena (Sounding sweet and young): Hi Mr. Jimmy I’m sorry for putting you through such unnecessary torment.

TLOTA: That’s okay kiddo, I’m certain the torment I’ll get when I go there will be justified.

Lucifer (Sounding deep and bass baritone): Listen, if you ever need me to do something for ya, you know the deal.

TLOTA: Forget about it. (Evileena and Lucifer leave in another fireball back to the depths from whence they came.)

TLOTA: Okay that was weird. Wait, the others! (Cut to Paw, Paulo Fonseca & Rebecca Yaun, Traci Hines & Eliza Dushku being released)

TLOTA: Let it never be said that I am not a man of my word.

Paw: Thanks. So are you and my wife even?

TLOTA: I think so.

The Maven Of The Eventide: Oh we’re square now.

TLOTA: Cool.

Eliza Dushku: Well you guys might be square or cool or whatever, for me the journey continues, Come Traci, we’ve got work to do. (Traci & Eliza head for the door before cutting to James & Everyone else)

TLOTA: Wait Eliza, what do you mean “the journey continues”? What in the world are you two talking about? (Cut to Eliza and Traci)

Eliza Dushku:  Don’t you understand James? This is part of the Curse of being a “Slayer”, I have to make people deal with both bad and good examples of cinema & television featuring Vampires and they must be known to all and exploited by all internet reviewers and someone has to do the job. That is where I come in. (Traci & Eliza walk out as the scene cuts to James and everyone else looking puzzled)

TLOTA: This whole thing makes no sense at all doesn’t it? (Everyone nods their heads as to say yes before cutting to the end credit and the “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” TV Series theme performed by Nerf Herder playing in the background of the copyright symbol & the words Chez Apocalypse with the year 2015 next to them then Written by Elisa Hanson & James Faraci credit then twitter accounts Twitter.com/ElisaInTime & Twitter.com/TLOTA are credited. Special Thanks to Paw Dugan, Team “TLOTA”, Chris Lee Moore, James Faraci, Phelan Porteous, Kyle Kallgren & everyone else. Extra special thanks to James’ sister for being an uber-“Twilight” fan, and the consultant on this review and enjoying her brother’s torment for freaking jollies. Cut to a still image of a dive bar and a bluesy guitar riff plays in the background before cutting to the inside of the bar in which Lindsay Ellis has a bottle of Jack Daniels in her right hand and is drinking it straight out the bottle until she falls off the stool, a bush of Red Hair is resting itself on the bar which happens to be Obscurus Lupa as the camera passes down the bar until it stops at Phelous and Oancitizen)

Phelous (Audio only as the camera starts to move down from Lindsay to Obscurus to Phelous and Oancitizen): Uh wrong again Kyle, the worst thing that happened to Vampires outside of “The Twilight Saga” is “The Vampire Diaries” on the CW

Oancitizen: Incorrect as usual Phelan, you philosophical philistine! The worst thing to happen to Vampires outside of “The Twilight Saga” just so happens to be “Moonlight” and why is that you ask. Simple, because they had a pre “Hawaii Five-O” Alex O’Loughlin and tried to fuse “The Twilight Saga”, “Moonlighting” & “Angel” in one fell series, need I say anything else?

Phelous: “The Vampire Diaries” had a character that they had no idea to do with but kept her around for a long time but at least this series is on the air for now!

Oancitizen: Well “Moonlight” bounced off the walls like a super bouncing ball as if they didn’t know which direction to take it but “Moonlight” was a victim of the Writer’s Guild strike however be that as it may. (A female coughs off screen as Eliza Dushku and Traci Hines walk towards Phelous & Oancitizen)

Eliza Dushku: Excuse me, me and my friend couldn’t help but overhear that the two of you dislike “The Twilight Saga”.

Phelous: A touch.

Oancitizen: An understatement of unfathomable proportions. 

Traci Hines: Well, we happen to be fans of your on line work. Perhaps you two could team up to review “The Twilight Saga” perhaps for the two of us?  (Phelous & Oancitzen giggle and chuckle at the two and can barely speak as Eliza and Traci have a smile that could light the night.)

TLOTA (Off-Screen): HOLD IT! (Ropes go around the waists of Traci & Eliza)

TLOTA (Off-Screen): GET OVER HERE! (Eliza and Traci scream in fear as they’re dragged off screen)

Oancitizen: Come on!

Phelous:  THE HELL? Ugh, American Cockblocker! (Oancitizen groans and proceeds to slam a shot of Bourbon down his throat and slam the shot glass onto the bar then cut to Eliza and Traci zooming to another part of the bar where James has an angered look on his face)

Traci & Eliza (In unison): How did you do that?

TLOTA: You two have your tricks, I’ve got mine. So listen up Double Trouble if you two think you can walk into my life, cause chaos and walk away thinking you two got away with it SCOTT-FREE! YOU ARE DEAD WRONG! YOU TWO ARE UNSTABLE, INSANE, EXPLOSIVE, CRAZY, DEMENTED, HURRICANES OF DESTRUCTION AND I’VE GOT TO SOMETHING TO KEEP YOU TWO FROM CAUSING MORE CHAOS! (Eliza and Traci smile then cut to Oancitzen & Phelous looking over to see what’s going on before cutting to James.)

TLOTA: You guys want to work for me? I can’t pay you but I’ll be a good reference on your resume and it’ll be good for you two to volunteer your free time.

Traci Hines: Sure thing, Sounds good.

Eliza Dushku: Why not? Sounds like fun. (The three shake hands as a Semi being run by a screaming Nicolas Cage runs over the three of them with a truck before cutting to Phelous & Oancitizen)

Phelous: Hey you freaking psychopathic maniac Nicolas Cage! Can’t you read? (Cut to a sign that says “No Trucks under 21”)

Phelous (Audio only): No Trucks under 21! (Cut to Phelous and Oancitzen)

Oancitizen: And I verbally and visually can confirm that truck you were in fact driving an automatic transmission, 8 valve Hemi Engine, Two thousand and Fifteen Dodge Ram. (Cut to the blooper reel which has the instrumental of “Combine Harvester” in the background)

Maven Of The Eventide: Good evening, I…

TLOTA (Off Screen): OH SHUT UP… (James falls out of his chair as The Maven giggles and James’ hand signaling for a cut before cutting to Rebecca with a rubber meat mallet in her hand which slips and lands on the table next to Baby Grey who picks it up and starts gumming on it as everyone laughs & Baby Grey chuckles with everyone before cutting to James being tied up)

TLOTA: Okay stretch my arms farther, guys it has to look like I’m being tortured like the prisoners at Gitmo!  

Paulo Fonseca (Off-screen): Well James, we also have to breathe. (Everyone chuckles at that before cutting to a side view of James shaking his head and screaming silently before he stops and a child’s laughter is heard which makes James smile and laugh himself)

John Santos (Off-screen): What is it?

TLOTA: Dude, put a camera on Grey as I do this again.

Paul Schuler (Off-Screen): Why?

TLOTA: Paw, Put a camera on your son as I shake my head, Seriously put the camera. (Cut to a clip of footage of Grey as James silently shouts his lines and Baby Grey is laughing and shaking himself before cutting to everyone watching the footage and they laugh as the camera is on Paul.)

Paul Schuler: Well just wait until he grows up! (Everyone laughs before cutting James, Eliza, Traci & Chris Lee Moore aka Rowdy outside a theater as James empties the bottle of Rum and proceeds to sing the Chorus of “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday” from Boyz II Men and everyone else laughs and Eliza smacks James in the chest)

Rowdy: Trust me, I was about to do that myself. (Everyone laughs before cutting to the interior of the bar as Eliza and Traci walk and Phelous spills his drink on himself and everyone laughs before cutting to James making silly faces at The Maven Of The Eventide while they’re in his office quarters and laughter is heard everywhere before James signals for a cut)