James Faraci The Last Of The Americans: 2015

Monday, December 21, 2015

The 10 Moments everyone liked in 2015 about James Faraci The Last Of The Americans

James Faraci (Voiceover): Number ten

10) The "Charlie's Angels Full Throttle" review

James Faraci (Voiceover): This was actually possibly my least favorite review I've ever done. "Why is that?" you may ask because it lacked a lot of the fun I usually try to infuse in my reviews. Now don't get me wrong, watching me and my team getting whipped like government mules by WWE Superstar "Sheamus" was fun to come up, for me it just felt like your everyday average review and for me, I'm not average I want to be able to be entertaining and the matter of the fact is that I came off boring made me put it at the bottom of the list.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then the camera zooms to the backside of the slab with the number and James doing a voiceover the clip.)

James Faraci (Voice over): Number nine

9) Every single last negative reaction I had to "Gigli"

James Faraci (Voiceover): Trust me, I wish I put this higher but with so many great moments that happened later on in the year I knew one of my favorites had to be put elsewhere. Do I wish it was higher? Yes! But trust me I got to a dark place. Much darker than I usually would be a part of and it showed in the Humor. Especially with how I reacted to one VERY Bad joke. That joke was so bad I felt about unleashing my rage through laughter based insanity and wanting to kill rapists and men who think abusing women is a good thing. Everything went so dark I HAD TO HAD TO break character and come up with an ad saying what I had to really feel about the subject and I had to promote both The Joyful Heart Foundation and The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network to even things out. But there were a few good funny moments that weren't as dark like when Paulo Fonseca and his sister Rebecca tried to put my character out of his misery or when I downed two 2 liter bottles of Tequila and Coca Cola. Especially since I have Asperger's Syndrome and I actually have only drank alcohol ONCE! It was a sip of white wine in Maine but as far as I'm concerned Me + Asperger's Syndrome + Alcohol= ONE BAD IDEA!

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then the camera zooms to the backside of the slab with the number and James doing a voiceover the clip.)

James Faraci (Voice over): Number eight

8) The "Willow" Review

James Faraci (Voiceover): What made it list worthy for me at least was Two things. One) The humor, I laughed my butt off from the jokes I got to make about the movie. Most of them came from riffs I thought about when I watched the movie and the fear induced pooping is definitely how I felt when I saw when the rebellion against Queen Bavmorda being transformed to Porcine! But the other reason was that this review was a changing of times. I kind of had no idea where to take my fictitious relationship with my alter-ego and not cause real world problems which is why I started a storyline that I was able to Subtlety put in that led to my final "Channel Awesome" crossover event which I heard people call "The Government tries to kill the Reviewerverse" storyline.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then the camera zooms to the backside of the slab with the number and James doing a voiceover the clip.)

James Faraci (Voiceover): Number Seven

7) The "In Defense Of The Dukes Of Hazzard & General Lee" episode

James Faraci (Voiceover): I am really, REALLY glad I got this out while it was somewhat relevant.
Okay, confession time I really had only two ideas in the pot for an "In Defense Of" episode. Both of them I did one on a guilty pleasure "Armageddon" & the other happening to be my thoughts on The Ewoks from the Star Wars Franchise. But when I heard about the controversy that took one of my favorite shows off the air, I knew The Dukes needed defending and I would be on the side of the people defending it like my blood brother Chris Lee Moore and my fellow Rowdyc.com contributor: Bobcat Joe. But having said what I said meant the world to me as a Yankee who happens to love such a harmless & wholesome show about a family south of the Mason Dixon line.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then the camera zooms to the backside of the slab with the number and James doing a voiceover the clip.)

James Faraci (Voiceover): Number six

6) The Different Cuts

James Faraci (Voiceover): I actually created this segment to kind of be my own version of "Old Vs. New" and with certain advents in movie making especially when it comes to certain movies. I knew about certain different cuts of movies that could come from it. Though admittedly I had to rush the first one, that of course being Ben Affleck's "Daredevil" movie to beat The Nostalgia Critic's review because I didn't want to get second place on something like this. But to me I found the right way to do it right the second time around with "Superman II" both the Lester & Donner cuts and now I got it perfected and everyone liked it and for that I thank everyone who enjoy me having to deal with me watching two movies at the same time and analyzing them in as much detail I can in both cuts of the same movie.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then the camera zooms to the backside of the slab with the number and James doing a voiceover the clip.)

James Faraci (Voiceover): Number five

5) The Interview Review

James Faraci (Voiceover): This was my first review after my final Channel Awesome Crossover "The End Of Mankind" and my character had just re-written the time line so that his relationship with Lea Michele never happened and I needed for my character to do a movie that could get him out of his funk. THANK GOD for "The Interview" because around this time last year it garnered a 55 Gallon Keg's worth of controversy and I decided to check it out on Netflix when it came to that service and boy did I get enough material. But I needed another crack-pot reason why the leader of North Korea wanted to attack and I thought of the only thought that could be as ridiculous as wanting to see a movie taken off the big screen and my first immediate thought was "Duck Dynasty" and I worked out the details of everything and I just knew people would love my review and it for me is one of my finest reviews ever!

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then the camera zooms to the backside of the slab with the number and James doing a voiceover the clip.)
James Faraci (Voiceover): Number Four

4)The "Josie & The Pussycats" review

James Faraci (Voiceover): This was THE one I knew I first reviewed before I actually became "The Last Of The Americans" or for that matter an Internet Reviewer. Because I knew it was bad but the jokes I could make out how far from subtle it is and seeing as how there was a certain other movie that was an adaptation of a certain animated kids series that lasted only TWO WEEKS in theaters that was coming out around the same time my review for it was just serendipitous timing on my part to talk about a movie which was similarly as bad but for a whole lot of different reasons. Plus I was able to introduce Eliza Dushku and Traci Hines to my audience in a fun way and I felt it would also be a great tie-in to my October review.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then the camera zooms to the backside of the slab with the number and James doing a voiceover the clip.)

James Faraci (Voiceover): Number three

3) The Crossover with The Rowdy Reviewer on the "Fox Kids" programming block.

James Faraci (Voiceover): A bit of a confession. My blood brother and best friend "The Rowdy Reviewer" Chris Lee Moore wanted to do like a "Monster Madness" or "Disneycember" with "The Disney Afternoon" but that was torpedoed by Doug Walker A.K.A.The Nostalgia Critic as he did a forty-four minute review of the entire enchilada! Feeling bad for my buddy, I decided to come up with a review of a rival and I hoped he would've wanted in. Thankfully he said yes and while it wasn't every series in the "Fox Kids" line-up, it was for me fun especially since it re-introduced someone from my first run on Myspace, John Ross Santos, and introduced my other friends Eric Neil Kurtzke, Renee Miller and John's brother Mike who would've been introduced along with Paulo Fonseca and his sister as well but the reformatting of Myspace happened but that is in the past. But this review was so great it had to be in the top three for me and for everyone who liked both the "Fox Kids" and this review.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then the camera zooms to the backside of the slab with the number and James doing a voiceover the clip.)

James Faraci (Voiceover): Number two

2) "The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn: Part Two" review.

James Faraci (Voiceover): I knew making this, I HAD to be on my A-Game with the writing of not only my review of it but also the story and the humor in it and it worked. My favorite moments was the whole cold opening and the "Blazing Saddles" -esque brawl after my reaction to the twist in the movie's ending and I had to remember from my first time watching it what my reaction was to it and of course the CGI abomination that was Renesmee when she was an infant! But to me the moment I knew I had done great was when I posted it and sent the link to Paul "Paw Dugan" Schuler himself for his and his wife Eliza Hansen-Schuler's wedding anniversary and "Paw" thought it was great! Also a side note, prior to the review Rebecca Fonseca did NOT leave. She got married to her husband and I have since credited her by her married name Rebecca Yaun. So from this moment forward, Rebecca is married and not even the loneliest person on this planet stands a chance. So deal with it!

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2014 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James getting hit with an uppercut by Trina Mason to James punching Dr. Plotsz, to Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca saying Groovy, to James and Rowdy running into the Happy Madison crowd, to James’ eyes turning white with blue streaks of lightning coming out of them, to James taking on the wicked then culminating in the moment when Lea Michele reveals herself to be a vampire and zooming into James’ screaming mouth until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James right hand comes out of the dark holding a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo Fonseca, John & Mike Santos and The Rowdy Reviewer on his right and Rebecca Fonseca, Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans" on it then the camera zooms to the backside of the slab with the number and James doing a voiceover the clip.)

James Faraci (Voiceover): And THE Number one moment everyone liked in 2015 about The Last of The Americans is...

1) The Top Ten Best & Worst seasons lists of "Power Rangers"

James Faraci (Voiceover): I knew going into this countdown that these two were going to top the list of favorite moments. But here's a little something people might have known or realized I actually liked "Wild Force", "Turbo", "Lost Galaxy", "Jungle Fury"& "MMPR Season 3". I put "Samurai/Super Samurai" & "Megaforce/Super Megaforce" on because I knew people would've killed me if I did. As a matter of fact I really had it out for "Ninja Storm", "The MMPR Star Wars Special Edition season" and the worst season of all "Power Rangers Operation Overdrive". It was unfortunately I needed filler for the list and those seasons after re-watching them they weren't as good as I remembered them but they in no way are the worst seasons. But I also needed to be reminded that with my actions come consequences. Thank goodness the actors who played the Power Rangers have a great sense of humor and I was able to have them get what they felt was their rightful justification to have my backside on a platter and if you noticed it was me that got the brunt of everyone's attacks, not my team, not anyone else. It was all on me. Even though my team was willing to go for it, I made it so I had to handle it on my own! But for me, it was worth it. I got everything right and in the end both of the lists are two of my best works in 2015. (Cut to ending of "The Top Ten BEST seasons of Power Rangers" List that has Rebecca Yaun ranting like Rita Repulsa while James does a voiceover trying to sound like Rita Repulsa before cutting to James physically.)

James Faraci: So that was the Top Ten moments everyone liked about "James Faraci The Last Of The Americans" in 2015. What lies ahead for James Faraci "The Last Of The Americans"? Well.... (Cut to rough clips of reviews James is planning in 2016 and The American Gladiators 1994 Theme plays in the background while James does a voiceover)

James Faraci (Voiceover): Coming soon in 2016 expect more great reviews and more great Top Ten countdowns and wait there's more! The first three reviews I ever did on Myspace that led me to making my character a reviewer. A great crossover with The Rowdy Reviewer & The Nostalgia Kid on a special movie based on a TV series that connects all of us Internet Reviewers. And coming this January all the way through March I will make The Batman pay the piper for what he has become! All that and more in 2016 on "James Faraci The Last Of The Americans" (Cut to James physically)

James Faraci: Now if you'll excuse me...(Pulls out Megaforce Morpher and pulls out the card of "The Last Of The Americans" a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and puts it into the Megaforce Morpher morphing him to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans)

TLOTA: 2016 is gonna be a big year and I've got work to do. So until next time Happy New Year and as always I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion!

Saturday, December 12, 2015

Have yourself a "Muppet" little "Christmas"

(Music from the last seasons of the Original Run of American Gladiators play Speedy shot of James Faraci riding with Santa on his sleigh, throwing snowballs, singing Christmas Carols with The Muppets, baking cookies, Waxing Rudolph’s red nose to add to the brightness and pal around with Frosty before fading away to see a picture of the North Pole Santa Workshop appears in the background as Jesus Christ, Santa Claus and Santa Christ appear in the foreground as all three stand as a Christmas Tree land over them and James Faraci stands alongside the Christmas tree with a smile on his face and in Holiday text the words of The Last Of The Americans stand by his side as Jingling Bells and snow falls in the intro before cutting to James in his office with a smile on his face)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and it’s…. (James slams his fists and a green and red hypnowheel pops up and James’ head is in the center as Christmas based imagery is around the border of the screen and a metal instrumental version of “Jingle Bells” play in the background.)

TLOTA (Singing to the tune of “Jingle Bells”): CHRISTMAS TIME! CHRISTMAS TIME! CHRISTMAS TIME AGAIN! LOTS OF FUN FOR EVERYONE FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED TEN! CHRISTMAS TIME! CHRISTMAS TIME! IT’S TIME TO MAKE THE ROOM! FOR THE MOVIES, SPECIALS AND EVERYTHING ELSE UNTIL WE GO KA-BOOM! (An explosion occurs as it cuts to James’ office door and Eliza Dushku opens the door)

Eliza Dushku: WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS PLACE?! (Cut to James sitting back up with his hair looking like Georgio A. Tsoukalos with red and green stripes in it.)

TLOTA: Well it’s the holidays and in a few hours my family and friends in the Reviewerverse are gonna be here and I figured I’d get my review in before the party gets into full swing. (Cut to Eliza Dushku at the door.)

Eliza Dushku: Well have you looked at yourself in a mirror recently? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: No. Why? (Cut to Eliza)

Eliza Dushku: Take a look! (Eliza grabs a mirror and shows James his new hairdo)

TLOTA: YOWZA! (James shakes his head until his hair looks normal except for the red and green) Better? (Cut to Eliza)

Eliza Dushku: The Red and Green look wicked festive on you! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Thanks. So how about you come and sit with me and help me on this? (Cut to Eliza)

Eliza Dushku: Uh, No, I’ve got to help everyone else get ready, but you know it’s kind of wicked easy seeing as how 95 % of the work was done already, all we have to do is reheat the food and set up the buffet. You do a lot for us. Thanks James. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: No problem. So while you’re finalizing the little bits and pieces for the party, I’m gonna celebrate by watching the Muppets’ version of “It’s a Wonderful Life” (James turns his head to the left in confusion then to the right in confusion before looking at the audience.)

TLOTA: Wait! What?! (Cut to the Opening Credit of “It’s a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie” before cutting to clips of the movie while James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Yeah this was kind of a weird Holiday Hybrid and even though some of it is dated, I can look past that and see this for a good piece during a dark time for the Muppets. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Yeah, here’s the thing, remember how in my “In Defense Of “Muppets From Space”” I said how much of a low point it was for The Muppets. I kind of understated a huge obvious statement. I mean this was… (A Bright light flare shines as Choral Music plays in James’ face as it cuts to the corner of James’ office and a woman dressed in a white chorus robe played by Rachel Herrick hovers over James’ desk.)

Women dressed in chorus robe: Greetings James, I am Rachel and I am your Guardian Angel! (Cut to James squinting)

TLOTA: What did you say? I can’t hear you because of the Choral Music and I can’t see because of the light coming off of the lens flare. (Cut to Rachel)

Rachel: Okay guys, take a hike back up and on your way out kill the extra lights. (A Chorus walks away carrying a load of Stage lights with them)

Rachel: As I said before, I am Rachel and I IEEEEEE! (Rachel falls down to earth and says “ow” off screen as the scene cuts to see Rachel crawling towards and eventually sitting next to James.)

Rachel: Okay, let me try one more time, I am Rachel and I am your Guardian Angel, James Faraci The Last Of The Americans.

TLOTA: My Guardian Angel?

Rachel: Yes and I have come on high to remind you of the love that your fellow man has for you and the love you give to your fellow man.

TLOTA: I’m kind of aware of that, besides you caught me at a bad time. You see, I’m reviewing “It’s a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie” and…

Rachel: Muppets? Did you say Muppets?!

TLOTA: Yeah.

Rachel: Oh My Goodness, I love The Muppets! So what did you think of their new series so far?

TLOTA: Well it’s safe to say after seeing this. (Cut to Clip of Miss Piggy going into Code Red Diva mode in “The Muppets” before cutting to James crying with a smile on his face with Rachel sitting next to him.)

TLOTA: It’s safe to say The Muppets are getting past the low point and few gasps of air it was going through and it is in good hands.

Rachel: Is that a tear in your eye?

TLOTA: Yes

Rachel Why?

TLOTA: Because I’m about five seconds from laughing my jingle bells off. Let’s not waste any time, this is… (James bursts into uncontrollable laughter for five seconds.)

Rachel: “It’s A Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie.” (James sits back up and gasps for air.)

TLOTA: Thanks.

Rachel: No Problem. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So the movie starts off with a party after a successful Christmas Show with the Muppets having a fun time, except for Kermit who looks like he had a lump of coal delivered in his stocking.

Kermit The Frog: We…We lost everything.

Other Muppets: Huh?

Kermit The Frog: I’m sorry I convinced you all to work so hard and believe in this dream. It was all for nothing. We lost the money, We lost the theater…. We’ve lost everything.

TLOTA (Voiceover): That’s right, The Muppet Theater is now owned by a bank who decided to foreclose on it. (Cut to James and Rachel physically)

Rachel: Well that stinks. What else can happen? An oil tycoon will buy the theater and then demolish it for the oil underneath… (James pulls up a copy of “The Muppets” 2011 behind her as Rachel speaks and she turns around to see the cover.)

Rachel: Oh yeah, forgot about that. (Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Feeling despondent and ashamed Kermit walks away from everything and finds a park bench to sit and freeze himself. This catches the eye of Daniel played by David Arquette who decides to stick up for Kermit and confront the Boss itself played by Whoopi Goldberg to do so. Daniel takes us back to a few weeks before we see what led up to the events in the opening. Starting off with an appearance on Carson Daly’s late night talk show then continuing on with a Cirque Du Solei director played by Matthew Lillard practicing for an opening act and…. Well…. (Cut to a Muppet version of a Cirque Du Solei style show before cutting to James and Rachel looking confused and disturbed as to what they just saw.)

Rachel: I think this can be considered as one VERY BIG…

TLOTA: Save it, she’d bill us out the wazoo if we did that one. (Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): After that the owner of the Bank, Rachel Bitterman played by Joan Cusack comes by to let The Muppets know she’s the bad guy and she will foreclose on Christmas if they can’t pay the same night as their performance. So it’s up to all of them to come together all except for Miss Piggy who decides to get better work. While they try to get the show up and running and every last single seat filled for their performance they decided to go to the celebrity cameos ranging from Kelly Ripa to… Ugh Triumph The Comic Dog. (Cut to James and Rachel physically)

Rachel: What’s wrong with the Celebrity Cameos?

TLOTA: Nothing, I’m just not a fan of Triumph The Comic Dog, in fact one of my favorite Cameo appearance comes from the cast of “Scrubs”. (Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As a matter of fact, their cameo convinces Miss Piggy to get back to the Muppets and to their show because she hams it up on her appearance and they give her the axe. Meanwhile Rachel Bitterman decided to do some wicked things including messing around with the Mortgage to the theater so she can go ahead with her plans to turn the Muppet Theater into a Club where she can overcharge for drinks and music. (Show clip of Rachel Bitterman telling her plans as Pepe The King Prawn overhears it before cutting to James and Rachel physically)

TLOTA: You Cold Blooded Demon! (James gets Chudnofsky’s double barreled handgun from Seth Rogen’s “Green Hornet” and loads it) For your crimes against The Muppets, I’ll send you back to where you came from MYSELF!

Rachel: Is that a… (James shoots at Rachel Bitterman still image and the shots deflect off the still image then cut to James unloading the entire clip before cutting to the Still image of Rachel Bitterman and the shots just being deflected before cutting to James and Rachel.)

Rachel: Well James you just unloaded an entire magazine of bullets out of a double barreled handgun and it didn’t even phase…. (James grabs the three hundred round magazine and loads it into the double barreled handgun.) Okay here we go again! (Multiple shots are heard as the scene cuts to the Still image of Rachel Bitterman deflecting every single last shot before cutting to James standing there with an empty double barreled handgun.)

TLOTA (Whispering): What are you? (Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So with that Knowledge Pepe runs to Kermit just as the show begins with a Moulin Rouge parody sketch and to be honest, the sketch itself isn’t bad and they employed some really great puppetry maneuvers in this and the entire movie. (Cut to the opening of the Moulin Scrooge opening with Gonzo being overdubbed with Linkara singing the opening song to The Nostalgia Critic’s “Moulin Rouge” review before cutting to James and Rachel physically.)

Rachel: What was that?

TLOTA: My attempt add levity to this review. (Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So after Pepe crashes the sketch, everything goes bonkers (Cut to the sketch going into Baz Luhrmann Territory before cutting to James and Rachel staring at the insanity.)

Rachel: What is it you’d usually say at something like this?

TLOTA: Yowza!

Rachel: That’s the word. (Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So after everything calms down thanks to Miss Piggy basically going ballistic in order to get the sketch back on track. (Show the end of the sketch)

TLOTA (Voiceover): After that Pepe tells Kermit about Bitterman’s sabotage, Fozzie volunteers to deliver the money himself and faster than you can say Wocka Wocka! Fozzie runs into Holiday Hijinks! (Cut to the clip of Fozzie going up against a Steve Irwin-esque Outdoor enthusiast, gets spray painted Green and is chased by Whos because he looks like the Grinch and then through a Steam bath, bumping into a Salvation Army group then going into Bitterman’s Bank going through a web of lasers three times while ragtime piano plays in the background.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): It looks like Bitterman’s plans are down the drain as Fozzie hands Bitterman a big old sack of cash but when Bitterman discovers that the money is not in there and he handed her a bag of Laundry, Fozzie wonders how in all that chaos how he could’ve lost the cash. Feeling embarrassed and ashamed he pulls Kermit away from the Party just to deliver the bad news. With desperation on him Kermit asks for a little more time and Bitterman tells Kermit it’s too late and she has foreclosed on the theater which leads to where Kermit is now and Daniel’s Boss to charge Daniel to help Kermit. Kermit meanwhile comes to a conclusion even I wouldn’t go to. (Cut to Kermit shouting “I Wish I’ve never been born!” in various ways intercut with James and Rachel trying not to have him do that and then cut to Daniel taking Kermit to a galaxy far, far away before cutting to a confused James & Rachel before cutting back to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So after that brief trip to a galaxy far, far away. Kermit and Daniel wind up in a world without Muppets or Kermit. Bitterman turned the Park into a Mall, Gonzo is with a performing brick, Rizzo is eaten alive on Fear Factor, “The Electric Mayhem” well…. (Show clip of “The Electric Mayhem” as a River dancing troupe before cutting to James and Rachel with shock on their faces.)

TLOTA & Rachel (In unison): Yowza! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): That’s not even the worst of it as Doc Hopper’s Frog Legs Fast Food franchise took off like a rocket and The Muppet Theater is now Club Dot! (Cut to James & Rachel physically)

TLOTA: But what would I be without the Muppets in my life?

Rachel: Do you want to know?

TLOTA: A Part of me is saying No and the rest of me is saying I don’t want to know but I’m gonna go because I think I’d like to know.

Rachel: Very well then, take my hand as we see what your life would be with “The Muppets” in it. (James grabs her hand as she snaps her fingers and the two blink out of there and to a green screened background of a Sullivan County New York that is a dystopian version of Sullivan County.)

TLOTA: Okay, this cannot be good.

Rachel: Something tells me I made one very big boo-boo! (An alarm klaxon is heard as everyone looks at the gigantic big screen as James and the Rest of Team “The Last Of The Americans” are dressed in white robes and speaking in monotone with smiles on their faces.)

(A)James Faraci: It is now Curfew time

(A)John Santos: If you are traveling, your loved ones will be notified of your coming.

(A)Mike Santos: If you are drunk or not of good health you will be taken care of.

(A)Paulo Fonseca & Rebecca Yaun (In unison): For any stragglers, you shall be dealt with.

(A)Eric Kurtzke: Remember we do this because we care.

(A)Renee Miller: We care because we must.

(A)Traci Hines: We do what we do now because we care.

(A)Eliza Dushku: We release the death blasters because we care.

(A)Team “TLOTA”: Have a nice life! (The Big Screen shuts off as James stands their slack jawed and bug eyed as a Death Blaster comes face to face with James & Rachel)

Death Blaster: You are out past cur few and you with the red & green hair are guilty of im per son ating our o ver lord! You have un till the count of three be fore you are EX TERM IN ATED!

TLOTA: WE’RE GETTING OUT OF HERE! (James fumbles around in his pocket.)

Death Blaster: ONE!

Rachel: Hurry up, I heard about this one guardian angel that went rouge and tried to kill his charge and next thing we all discovered guardian angels can die and wind up in a limbo!

Death Blaster: TWO! (James fumbles around until he finds the quick cut to a commercial break device)

TLOTA: HERE WE GO!

Death Blaster: THREE! (James hits the button taking the review to a commercial break which ends with James sitting there angered tapping his fingers as Rachel sits next to him in fear in James’ office quarters and back in the real world.)

Rachel: Look James I… (James raises his hand to signify to Rachel to stop talking)

TLOTA: I’ve been trying not to be snarky and cynical because it is the Holiday season but nearly being blasted into smithereens doesn’t exactly bode well for you. But since this is the Holiday season I apologize for being angry at you.

Rachel: Well I put the idea into your head so that didn’t help. Why don’t we forget that and get back to the review?

TLOTA: Actually, that’s not a bad idea. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So checking out Club Dot which would’ve been the Muppet Theatre in our universe we discover what happened to what a LOT of the regulars that would’ve been the Muppets including Statler & Waldorf and Hoooooo Boy!

Rachel (Voiceover): What? What is it?

TLOTA (Voiceover): Words escape me when I see this! (Cut to Scooter Go-go dancing in a cage before cutting to James and Rachel with their heads tilted and slack jawed before cutting back to seeing Scooter Go-go Dancing for five seconds before cutting to James & Rachel.)

TLOTA: I’ve got nothing. Rachel?

Rachel: I…. (Sighs) Same here. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So while you try and I do mean try to get that image out of your head. Kermit tries to go after Bitterman for her dishonest way to run a bar and trust me if Kermit brought Jon Taffer along even he would leave. But unlike Taffer, Kermit got thrown out the back door by… (Show a Muscular Beeker meeping and closing the door as it cuts to James & Rachel)

TLOTA: Well, I guess the rumors are true.

Rachel: What rumors? (James flips his hand towards the screen as it cuts to a clip of Sheamus from WWE and Beeker meeting and talking about a Family Reunion from the 2011 Halloween Episode of WWE RAW before cutting to James and Rachel)

Rachel: They’re related? How ‘bout that? Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): After being pickpocketed by Fozzie which is incredible because Kermit doesn’t even have pockets, he catches up with Miss Piggy who has become a cat lady and a fake Jamaican Psychic. But somethings never change even in alternate realities! (Cut to Kermit getting Karate Chopped through the door and through the movie to flying through to James’ office quarters stopping to speak to James and Rachel)

Kermit The Frog: Hi-Ho James, Hi-Ho Rachel.

TLOTA & Rachel (In Unison): Hi Kermit.

Kermit The Frog: Like the new series we’re doing?

Rachel: I absolutely love it!

TLOTA: A Complete Laugh Riot.

Kermit The Frog: Oh Good. (Kermit screams and continues to fly away before cutting to The Rowdy Reviewer and Kermit flying by Rowdy and stopping long enough to chat to Rowdy.)

Kermit The Frog: Hi-Ho Rowdy!

Rowdy: KERMIT!

Kermit The Frog: Before I forget, great job on that Tribute you did on Muppet Wish Day.

Rowdy: Thanks Kermit. Tell the rest of the gang I said Hi!

Kermit The Frog: I will! Bye! (Kermit screams and continues to fly away before cutting to Linkara and Kermit flying by Linkara and Kermit stopping long enough to chat to Linkara.)

Kermit The Frog: Hi-Ho Linkara!

Linkara (Doing a Tommy Wiseau impression): Oh Hai Kermit!

Kermit The Frog: Any plans on reviewing any of our Comic Adaptations?

Linkara: We’ll see.

Kermit The Frog: Could you do so for Muppet Wish Day?

Linkara: Maybe

Kermit The Frog: Okay, gotta go. Bye Linkara! (Kermit screams and continues to fly away before cutting to The Nostalgia Critic and Kermit flying by The Nostalgia Critic and Kermit stopping long enough to chat to The Nostalgia Critic.)

Kermit The Frog: Hi-Ho Nostalgia Critic!

Nostalgia Critic: Hey Kermit, how’s it going?

Kermit The Frog: Same old Same old, just got Karate Chopped by Piggy! Hey Listen do you think there’s any chance you’re gonna do any new special event movie type things?

Nostalgia Critic: It’s Possible.

Kermit The Frog: That’s great, listen I’ve got to get going.

Nostalgia Critic: Okay, See you later. (Kermit screams and continues to fly away before landing back into the movie and James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Eventually Kermit has had enough and after being Karate Chopped like that wouldn’t you? He tries to get Daniel to bring him back to his world but sadly Daniel leaves him. All the while, Gonzo is heard playing a song I think Sean Penn Wrote but Kermit comes up with something better and more uplifting. And in doing so allows Kermit to remind himself as to what he does best and why he does it and in that moment Daniel returns to unfortunately tell Kermit that he’s stuck there. He handles it well. (Show clip of Kermit screaming about how foolish he was to say how he wishes he was never born.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): At that moment Daniel’s Boss tells him how to return to our world. A World with the Muppets and the theater. He returns feeling better and makes amends to everyone and even kisses Miss Piggy right on the lips. (Cut to James and Rachel physically as James lowers his head and sighs and just shakes his head in sadness.)

Rachel: Still not over their break up?

TLOTA: Let’s say it adds to the dark cloud that is my Romantic Love Life and seems to have continual possibilities to expand without a silver lining to stop it from growing.

Rachel: Don’t worry, you and your friend Chris will meet those you will be with the rest of your lives.

TLOTA: Wait, What?

Rachel: Spoilers (TLOTA Sighs before cutting back to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So as Kermit reassures the rest of our Muppet Friends that even though they lost the theater, they’re still together when Bitterman tries to rub into their faces about what she plans on doing to the theater when Pepe comes in with having filed the right papers that saves the theater by turning it into a historical landmark and Bitterman winds up getting nothing, The Muppets celebrate by joining a group of Carolers oh and the money Fozzie lost wound up with the Salvation Army and Daniel gets told by his Boss that all Kermit needed was a reminder of what he does matter and Daniel’s Boss tells Daniel that things happen Daniel’s Boss’s way for a reason and the movie ends with The Muppets singing the song he sang in the alternate universe but the question I have about that is How do The Muppets of this universe know the lyrics and how to sing the song? (Cut to James & Rachel physically)

TLOTA: And you know something? That’s a minor hiccup in a Holiday Muppets Movie that wasn’t as bad as many people think it is. So maybe that’s why I’m kind of lenient towards this thing. Because it is The Muppets and I can forgive them no matter what they do, even being in this. (Cut to Clips of the Movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I feel like my friend The Rowdy Reviewer when he reviewed “High School Musical”, I can’t hate this thing. The story while is a rehashing of “It’s A Wonderful Life” was handled with respect for what was done already. The Acting from the human actors is really good especially in this movie and as usual The Muppets do the voodoo they’re known for and everything else shows something that few things at this point in time when it came to projects with The Muppets were lacking. (Cut to James & Rachel physically)

Rachel: What are you talking about? What was missing with projects with the Muppets?

TLOTA: Well before you came in here I was trying to tell my audience that while “Muppets From Space” which I defended lacked a lot of effort. There was some effort in having The Muppets in a good parody of bad family films but the effort was so non-existent but here, it’s shown. It’s shown in how well they pay homage to The Frank Capra classic and how everyone did their best even if it wasn’t appreciated by everyone. I appreciate it. I also appreciate the effort done by everyone who puts up with me. (James stands up and grabs Rachel by her hand and carries her along as the camera follows the two of them.)

TLOTA: Because it does take effort to work with me, I mean yeah my life isn’t where I want it to be but I still have hope that eventually it’ll get better and they put up with me dressing them up in silly costumes and them doing silly things but I am thankful for everyone including Paulo Fonseca and his sister Rebecca Yaun, I’m thankful to John and Mike Santos, I’m thankful for Renee Miller and Eric Neil Kurtzke for putting up with my silliness and I give all the praise and thanks I can to both Eliza Dushku and Traci Hines who put up with my stupidity month in, month out. (Jingling bells are heard as James continues to praise everyone on “Team TLOTA” and Rachel says “Uh James” as everyone begins to see Rachel and start to be shocked before cutting to the front door to see everyone in “The Reviewerverse”, CInemassacre & Channel Awesome arrive and they see Rachel as well.) And its guys like my best friend and blood brother The Rowdy Reviewer himself Chris Lee Moore who gave me a break and helped me out in ways I can never repay.

Rowdy: Uh James are you seeing this?

TLOTA: Then there are guys like James “Jamietud” Sullivan, Alex DeCourville, Eli Stone The Cartoon Hero, Gus Webb, Stevie Swiggart every one of my fellow reviewers in the Reviewerverse because it’s their effort and their hard work that humbles me when their reviews of things I’ve reviewed are better than something I did or knowing they were showing a light on something I was trying to, these guys are incredible. (Cut to Rachel contorting as her heavenly white robe gets a little puffier and Rachel Squeeing in pain as it gets puffier.)

Rachel: Okay that hurt the daylights out of me (Cut to James continuing to ramble on)

TLOTA: And had these two The Angry Video Game Nerd & The Nostalgia Critic not been entertaining, I wouldn’t have been inspired to do this and had I not seen them, I wouldn’t have known and met guys like Linkara, Angry Joe, Spoony, Film Brain, Todd In The Shadows, E-Rod, Nash, Paw, The Maven Of The Eventide and so many others that eventually led me to everyone else and I am forever grateful to the Family & Friends who help this schmuck from Sullivan county and…

Everyone else: JAMES!

TLOTA: What?

Everyone else: LOOK! (James turns around to see Rachel in a backless white dress and a pair of five feet wide wings.

Rachel: My wings! James, your rambling on how these people and the effort and the inspiration they gave you, got me my wings! This is amazing! I had a feeling that you would be able to do this for me, I can go back to my boss and let the boss know that you’ll be okay. I mean yeah you’ll have your ups & downs but you’ll get through them with humor, strength and your usual voodoo that you do so well and I am thankful to you for doing so. (Rachel surprise kisses James on the lips as everyone just stands there looking in shock and dull surprise before cutting to Rachel letting James out of their kiss.)

Rachel: Your 2016 is gonna be awesome. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got to hit the open sky. But I’ll be watching and to those with potty mouths and fowl humor, I may put in a few good words with the boss. (Rachel phases through the roof as the camera follows her before cutting to everyone running outside of James’ office looking as a speeding beam of light screaming “WOO-HOO!” is seen before cutting to everyone looking up.)

Rowdy: You know something, your parties are freaking crazy

TLOTA: You guys head inside and I’ll be in to enjoy it after I get my Fez.

Everyone else: Right (Everyone else walks in before cutting to James grabbing his Fez out of his car.)

TLOTA: Well, here’s hoping 2016 is gonna be better. Happy Holidays and as always I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that’s my opinion.

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Standing "Atop The Fourth Wall" for a little while

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2014 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James getting hit with an uppercut by Trina Mason to James punching Dr. Plotsz, to Paulo Fonseca & Rebecca Yaun saying Groovy, to James and Rowdy running into the Happy Madison crowd, to James’ eyes turning white with blue streaks of lightning coming out of them, to James taking on the wicked then culminating in the moment when Lea Michele reveals herself to be a vampire and zooming into James’ screaming mouth until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James right hand comes out of the dark holding a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo Fonseca, John Santos & Eric Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca Yaun, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and The views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Well... this is embarrassing. You see, I made a wager with Linkara as to whether or not he could get his movie finished and out for people to watch by the end of the year and since he has done so. I now have to honor the wager. Either review his attempt at making cinema or be forced to carry Comicron-One on my back whilst singing the opening theme song TO "Atop The Fourth Wall" down every street in Minnesota and seeing as how I'm not singing Vincent E.L.'s theme for "Atop The Fourth Wall", I'm not in Minnesota and Comicron-One is NOT behind me. Well then you know what I'm doing. (Cut to Opening Credit for Atop The Fourth Wall: The Movie as Vincent E.L.'s theme for "Atop The Fourth Wall" plays in the background before cutting to clips of "Atop The Fourth Wall: The Movie" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): "Atop The Fourth Wall: The Movie" feels like it wants to be its own movie but it feels hampered down and is more like a quasi-sequel to the Channel Awesome trilogy of "Kickassia", "Suburban Knights" & "To Boldly Flee". (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So Does this movie suck worse than every single comic Linkara says "Suck" or is it as great as the "Doctor Who/Star Trek: The Next Generation Assimilation 2" crossover comic book. Let's find out, this is "Atop The Fourth Wall: The Movie". (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So the movie begins with Allen Park played by Lanipator meeting with Linkara about Comicron-One in which the deal is as long as Linkara doesn't use his ship to attack America or any nation and they'll allow him to keep Comicron-One and his life. Smartly Linkara accepts as we cut to four years later as Allen and Linkara are chumming it up and Linkara is getting hammered! (Show the clip of Linkara getting drunk before cutting to James Physically.)

TLOTA: Eh must be getting ready to do another issue of Marville. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Actually the two are celebrating Linkara's birthday a night before. Why? I don't know but Allen tells us he has to deal with communications with the Space Station Caelestis so he can't be plastered. After having a dream of all his past major enemies and what he has had to deal with in the time he met Allen to this moment, we see what his daily ritual on how he does a review including looking at a bad comics, taking a bit of the hair of the dog that bit him with his coffee then film the episode but as he begins to film his latest episode he kind of feels like he's not into doing the episode and walks away. Maybe he's feeling older or feeling like him doing his series has lost it's flavor or whatever is going on he feels he's in a funk and has no idea what to do. Meanwhile The Caelestis reaches the Jovian area of space in which they discover a power source and quickly disappears. With nowhere left to turn Allen turns to Linkara to find out what happened to The Caelestis. Unfortunately Linkara has Nash, Angry Joe, Marzgurl, Cinema Snob and Obscurus Lupa over for a bad movie marathon which doesn't include Alki David's "Fishtales". (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA: Well the second you people start putting Alki David's "Fishtales" into your bad movie marathons let me know or at least invite me so I can show you the horridness of Alki David's "Fishtales".(Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But Linkara decides to help Allen out of his predicament and everyone joins them on board Comicron-One in which Harvey Finevoice and 90's Kid are just hanging around. (Cut to the scene in which Linkara gives everyone their positions on the ship and Allen is on his phone and all of that is covered in a thick gray fog before cutting to James in that same thick gray fog holding a Sonic Screwdriver.)

TLOTA: The Foreshadowing is so thick, not even my sonic screwdriver can cut through it. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So the team is heading off to Jupiter and Linkara continues to question his abilities and his strength. Meanwhile 90's Kid proceeds to drive Obscurus Lupa and most of the crew nuts all the while Linkara and Allen question what is normal in their lives and to be honest these are good questions to ask and Allen suggests Linkara take a breather after their sojourn to Jupiter and what a coinkydink they get a call about how the crew may for all intent and purpose maybe dead. Meanwhile Nash & Joe get knowledge on how to work and run the engines and the power to the ship and is it me or is Nash trying to out-mug Shia LaBeouf and sound more robotic than Tommy Wiseau. (Cut to every scene of Nash sounding flat.)

TLOTA (Impersonating Nash): I'm the guy who talks about news on my series and I sound dead inside and yet my eyes bulge out of my head like Nicolas Cage while he's freaking out and my smile makes people nervous because I might peel the flesh off of them like Ed Gein! I'm an Actor! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Meanwhile Joe asks where Linksano is and we find out he's trying to turn Boffo into a jukebox. Don't ask! So as our heroes make it to the Debris field and where the Caelestis should be and they ask Allen what the hell is going on? Allen tells them that it was possible while The Caelestis was nearby Jupiter for them to search through the Debris field for anything that couldn't be harmful. Before Linkara could give Allen an earful The Caelestis attacks Comicron-One and Allen and Lupa are injured and Nash can't seem to fix the engine or his acting and we discover what or should I say Who is the cause of the attack.

Mechakara(Audio only): Is something wrong Linkara? You have boasted before about your preparation, your anticipation of my presence yet when your enemy finally strikes, I find your defenses as weak and impotent as the skin and meat of your form!

TLOTA (Voiceover): That's right, Mechakara survived via the Gem from The Gauntlet Malachite's Hand and resurrected himself and reprogrammed the crew of the Caelestis. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Okay! How did he do that? I took the Gem from the Gauntlet Malachite's Hand and fashioned a bracelet to harness it's power, I stopped The Plot Hole from engulfing the entire planet unless Linkara and everyone else who went into the plot hole from our Earth in which The Channel Awesome crew that disappeared weren't the ones we've been seen and known all this time and...(Continuity Alarm Klaxons blare and the words Continuity Alarm are seen over and under James)

TLOTA: ORAC! SHUT THE ALARM OFF! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Paralyzed by fear, Marzgurl orders the attack and eventually sending Mechakara on the run and unfortunately Allen apparently dies from the attack, with both ships crippled and The Gem nearly drained they head out to Europa which still has a base filled with spare parts from the Plot Hole Incident . In the meanwhile Marzgurl calls out Linkara on why he kind of froze up in the heat of the battle when this happens (Show clip of Linkara ranting about what happened to him before Marzgurl shouts out "AND THEN YOU FROZE!" before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE YELLING ABOUT! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Actually to this movie's credit this part in which we see Linkara and his team wonder about the absurdity of their lives and wonder if there is something else out there and what is wrong with Linkara and by extension themselves is well written and handled by everyone. So Comicron-One makes it to Europa and we discover that 90's Kid is a technical genius as he's the guy who handles general maintenance of Comicron-One and Linkara's Arsenal. So Nash, Linkara & Lupa teleport into the abandoned base they try to see if anyone or anything else is down there. As Nash finds some supplies he cuts himself on something but on second check, the wound has healed. Apparently some of the residual energies and effects of the Plot Hole has affected Europa which gives Linkara a Deus Ex Machina to revive Allen from being dead! But the timing couldn't be worse as Mechakara finds his way there and teleports down too. Meanwhile Linkara laments what happened to Allen and Nash finds weapons, Linkara has Lupa and Nash teleported out of danger as Mechakara taunts Linkara more as the two slug it out until Linkara finds a weapon that shoots Bees! (Show clip of Bees harming Mechakara and at the end of it Linkara saying "Bees... My God.")

TLOTA (Voiceover): Still not letting that one go are ya? Well don't forget "Of course don't you know anything about science?" and of course, the ever popular mental breakdown whilst "Combine Harvester" from The Wurtzels play in the background you have in your arsenal of tropes

TLOTA: And if you remember those "Atop The Fourth Wall" gags as I do, consider yourself as big a dork as I am! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Meanwhile Linkara's crew repair Comicron-One and we get something interesting. 90's Kid shows depth and development while Nash and Harvey go into further depth with what they talked about earlier while repairing the engines. Meanwhile The Power goes out but leave it to Angry Joe and his electrical abilities to recharge the engines while Linkara continues to go through his crisis and works it out while Allen is slowly but surely revived from being dead.

(Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I guess Allen was only mostly dead. There's a difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive with all dead there's only one thing to do. Go through the pockets to look for loose change. (Audio of audience booing as James ducks objects are being hurled his way before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Meanwhile The Cinema Snob distracts the crew of The Caelestis as he and Lupa attack from the Vigilant and everyone else attacks from Comicron-One before demolishing The Caelestis they teleport the crew into the brig as Allen and Linkara ready to fightMechakara. However fully mechanized and upgraded, Mechakara means to kill and Linkara he's done taking things lightly. Wanna know how? He actually drops an F-Bomb!

Linkara: Fuck You Too! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Yowza! I'd never thought I'd hear Linkara drop an F-Bomb! But it happened!(Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And faster than I can say Badaboomba! Everyone else teleports down to help Linkara wipe the floor with Mechakara...at least for a second or two! Because as we all know Mechakara will and does adapt quickly to everything it can see except for when 90's Kid adjusts the weapons he created to overload and turns them into bombs which distract Mechakara long enough for everyone to unite and Hit Mechakara with everything they have with a boomerang shot that obliterates him and now all that's left is...(Cut to showing Mechakara's Metallic Skeleton continuing on before cutting to James taking off his glasses, moving his chair out of the way and banging his head on the wall behind him for five seconds.)

TLOTA: HOLY FRACKING HELL! WHAT ARE THEY GONNA HAVE TO DO TO PUT MECHAKARA DOWN LIKE OLD YELLER!? HIT HIM WITH NEUTRO? DROP EVERY SINGLE NUCLEAR WEAPON ON HIM? DROP COMICRON-ONE ON HIM?! SERIOUSLY HOW CAN HE BE...(Cut to a zoomed in pic inside Mechakara's Metallic Skull and shows an 9 volt Energizer MAX battery before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: Well that explains it. (Cut back to the movie)

Linkara: You just don't know when to die do you? You know you were telling me earlier about how much better machines are. How flesh sucks and steel rules but that's the thing isn't it, you are an android but me...

TLOTA (Voiceover): Wait, wait, Stop (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA: Let me take a crack at it... (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

Linkara (Synchronized with TLOTA): I AM A MAN! (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA: I guess he wanted to use all his tropes in this and I can't blame him. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): With that and enough lead hurled by Lupa, Mechakara is defeated and the crew of the now destroyed Caelestis back to normal, Linkara feels revitalized and decides before going on with his less than truly bad movie marathon because again I say no bad movie marathon is complete without Alki David's "Fishtales". The movie ends with Linkara getting ready for another review.

Linkara: Hello and Welcome to Atop The Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So that's "Atop The Fourth Wall: The Movie" and... It doesn't suck!

(Cut to clips of the movie as Atop The Fourth Wall: The Movie plays and the "Atop The Fourth Wall" gunslinger song from Vincent E.L. plays in the background and James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As a standalone movie it's not bad. The story is well paced as is the action. The acting for the most part is very good. The Effects are incredible for what they're worth especially when you know it's like a "Star Trek" movie on the budget of "Clerks" and Linkara definitely holds everything in place right where it needs it. But as a quasi-sequel to The Channel Awesome trilogy of "Kickassia", "Suburban Knights" & "To Boldly Flee" it's not bad but it could've been as bad as "Dragged In" had it not been for a lot of effort put in by everyone in front of and behind the camera. (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA: And you know what, I've been inspired! Yeah, that's right! After watching this, I feel so inspired that I, James Faraci The Last Of The Americans will one day turn one of my "Channel Awesome" adventures and actually turn it into a M..(the letter "O" in the word "Movie" is freeze jumps for three second before cutting to a "Disc Error" screen for two seconds then cutting to Lewis Lovhaug looking into a camera with a smile on his face on his computer for editing.)

Lewis Lovhaug: Whoops!

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

In Defense of... The Ewoks

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then cutting to James in his chair)

I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own & some of yours and welcome to another edition of "In Defense Of..." (Show pics of maligned pieces of pop culture while the fanfare from the Olympics play and James comes up after Vanilla Ice slides back and his right hand thumbs up and the words "In Defense Of..." before cutting to clips from the trailers of "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" and the other Star Wars movies while James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): This December "Star Wars" will return to theaters under the direction of J.J. Abrams and I do wish"Star Wars: The Force Awakens" all the luck in the world because it has a lot to live up to and a lot of people hope that it will be better than what a lot of the Prequels had to offer especially when it came to who they tried to push to the forefront especially Anakin & Jar-Jar. But here's the thing... With Anakin he was necessary, he becomes Darth Vader. Jar-Jar was pretty much useless after Episode one. In fact had he not been in Episode Two The Clone Wars wouldn't have happened, Palpatine wouldn't have been given a permanent seat of power and everything wouldn't have gone straight to hell on an intergalactic level. (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA: But here's the thing Jar-Jar maybe considered the most annoying thing now but back in the days of the original three of "Star Wars", "The Empire Strikes Back" & "Return Of The Jedi" there was something that annoyed everyone that to be honest is not as annoying as it is now. That of course being "The Ewoks". (Cut to clips of "Return Of The Jedi" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And to be honest they didn't annoy me because quite honestly the Empire pretty much used their home, the forest moon of Endor to basically build in secret the second Death Star and when they saw them, they weren't sure as to who to trust and the Rebels didn't help until Leia showed Wicket that she wasn't the bad guy because let's face it when creatures twice your size have weapons that could end your existence, you find out how hard it is to trust people and wouldn't you feel the same way they did? So when the other Ewoks met Luke, Han, Chewbacca, R2-D2& C-3PO it's no wonder they thought C-3PO was a deity he treated them with respect by simply saying "Hello" in their language or at least tried to and when C-3PO told them about who his friends were and meant, it allowed them to re-open their belief and trust in others, is it no wonder Luke, Leia, Han, Chewbacca, C-3PO and R2-D2 and the Rebels were welcomed into their tribe. They were twice their size and were going to use what they had to stop the others who are going to use their weapons that could end The Ewoks' existence, so they would friend with those who were going to help preserve their forest moon and in some weird way, The Ewoks are a microcosm of what the Rebels are so when they accepted the Rebels into their tribe, they felt they could trust the Rebels with the knowledge of where the Empire is working on their home and found the courage to fight for their forest moon and let's face it as far as Emperor Palpatine and the Imperial Forces were concerned The Forest Moon of Endor was just a speck of dirt but to the Ewoks it was their home and they were fighting in their backyard, they were fighting for their families, the pain hurts less and it makes more sense and they knew every Nook & Cranny of the Forest Moon and they were going to use what they had to give the Rebels the Advantage because again The Forest Moon of Endor was their home and it helped by giving The Ewoks and The Rebels everything it could to help end The Empire as much as the Rebels in the Space Battle and Luke taking on both The Emperor and Darth Vader. Even after the most intense scene when the Ewoks are running and one takes a blast meant for the other, the other one knew that in order to make what his friend did meant something was to help the others take down the Empire and unlike The Empire who had become set in their ways, I applaud the Ewoks in their creativity in taking them down by getting Chewie to get two of them to help overtake one of their Imperial Walkers and to me watching the one Storm Trooper getting clotheslined, then one of his buddies getting spun into a tree, then watching as Imperial Walkers were getting beaten by trees was a very joyous moment because they used what they had to in order to drive the Imperial Forces off their planet and in a unique way they helped the Rebels obtain the Balance and helped restore freedom to the Galaxies in a way The Rebels WISHED they had tried and for that I give praise to the unsung Furry Heroes of The Forest Moon of Endor. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Plus they got two spin-off movies featuring them and a pretty awesome cartoon series that showed what their lives were like before being a part of the "Star Wars" movies series with a very memorable first season theme song. (Cut to the Opening of "The Ewoks" cartoon with the "We are the E-E-E-E-E-EWOKS with the spirits of The Forest Moon" theme song before cutting to James getting down with his bad self.)

TLOTA: What can I say? It's a good beat to dance to. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That's My Opinion.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

The Different Cuts of "Superman II"

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours and welcome to another edition of “The Different Cuts” (Show James, Paulo & Rebecca dressed as butchers grabbing the same reel of film and a diagram of the reel of film. James Paulo & Rebecca look at both the three go to a meat slicer, all three slice different thicknesses with Paulo’s cut saying “The” James’s cut saying “Different” and Rebecca’s cut saying “Cuts” before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: While I maybe in the Minority in liking “Superman: Man Of Steel”, I hope I am a part of the Majority in thinking that the first two Christopher Reeve “Superman” movies are awesome. (Cut to Clips from The Christopher Reeve “Superman” franchise while the John Williams “Superman” theme from “Superman IV: The Quest For Peace” used in the end credits plays in the background and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): It goes without saying that outside of the Original Christopher Reeve Superman movie, Superman II is a great successor in the franchise during Christopher Reeve’s tenure. Superman III & IV are guilty pleasures as is “Supergirl”. But I give these movies praise for in a way beginning the renaissance of The Man of Steel as he was either made to be the butt of a lot of jokes involving Fire Island and San Francisco by the others in the “Superfriends” animated series or shown as being too incompetent to help the team in a way they don’t give Superman the time of day. But I thank Alexander and his son Ilya Salkind for producing these Iconic movies. But from what has been documented production of these movies, The Salkinds and the Director who was assigned to these movies Richard Donner were clashing a lot, that’s because they were working on the first two movies at the same time. Eventually focusing their time on finishing the first one and hoping for the best and it happened, partly due to good timing to the fact that in 1975 “Jaws” was an horror/ action adventure film and was a success as was the big movie of 1976 “Rocky” which told a great tale of the average human spirit rising to a greatness it didn’t believe it could obtain and the movie of 1977 being “Star Wars” which helped make movies fun to watch again helped the first Christopher Reeve movie succeed in 1978 and with that success you would’ve thought smoothed things out long enough for Donner & The Salkinds to finish Superman II but sadly it did not. Donner was fired & Richard Lester was hired to finish the second movie. But it wasn’t until 2006, the same year the movie “Superman Returns” another great “Superman” Movie was did Richard Donner finish his cut of Superman II made with footage that was thought to be lost forever and test footage. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But which of the two is the better one. The one we’ve known for decades or the one that’s been around as long as “Superman Returns”? That’s what we’ll decide as we look at the Lester & Donner cuts of “Superman II”. Let’s start with where the movies are slightly the same. The Plot. (Cut to DVD Covers of both “Superman II” the Lester Cut & the Donner cut as the Music cue from the 1:43 mark until the 1:59 mark and the words “The Plot” in the same text as the first Superman movie opening credits before cutting to James doing a voiceover clips from both versions.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Picking up after the events of the first movie Superman is seen as the heroic beacon of Truth, Justice & The Human way. But unbeknownst to the Man Of Steel, General Zod played by Terence Stamp, Ursa played by Sarah Douglas and Non played by Jack O’Halloran have escaped The Phantom Zone and have found their way to our planet. Meanwhile Lois Lane is out to prove that the man she’s been working with is in fact, Superman himself. When Superman DOES tell Lois he decides to rid himself of his abilities and it couldn’t have been at a worse time as Zod pretty much takes over the world. (Cut to clip of Carlos Mencia as Punji going “Oh, Of Course” before cutting back to James doing a voiceover both versions of “Superman II”)

TLOTA (Voiceover): With that said, I whole heartedly agree with the fans when they say that Superman saying “Screw The People, I’m going to tap Lois Lane like a beer keg and ignore Zod” part is a large load of GIGANTIC BROWN KRYPTONITE CHUNKS. Superman would and should NEVER do that. But I digress, which cut of Superman II used the plot elements to its advantage? Well, let’s look at it like this. First off both split the focus between both of the storylines in the plot, secondly there is how both the plot and storylines are handled. The Donner cut may have been closer to what Richard Donner had in mind with what he wanted to do with the Superman movies but I think the Lester cut edges out the Donner cut because it’s more focused on where it needs to be and wants to do with it. But that doesn’t mean The Donner Cut should be wholly discarded. So this one ends in a tie. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: A point for both cuts. (Cut to DVD Covers of both “Superman II” the Lester Cut & the Donner cut as the Music cue from the 1:43 mark until the 1:59 mark and a number 1 mark is shown on both in the same text as the first Superman movie opening credits before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: As I said in my “Daredevil” different cuts episode, when you edit a movie you have a lot of scenes and footage. But which cut of “Superman II” was edited better. (Cut to DVD Covers of both “Superman II” the Lester Cut & the Donner cut as the Music cue from the 1:43 mark until the 1:59 mark and the words “Editing” in the same text as the first Superman movie opening credits before cutting to James doing a voiceover clips from both versions.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As I said earlier, the Donner Cut had footage that was supposedly lost and test footage and the reason was that in order for Lester to be credited as the director of Superman II The Salkinds and Lester had to rework a good percentage of “Superman II” to make “Superman II” Richard Lester’s movie. So this should be easy pickings well… Sort of. You see while both tell the same story and use the same plot. But these movies are as different as night & day. For example the way Zod, Ursa and Non escape their cell in the Phantom Zone is different. In Lester’s cut it’s after an explosion from when Superman saves Lois from a terrorist attack at the Eiffel Tower and the Bomb strapped to it explodes sending a shockwave that releases the three. But in Donner’s cut it connects better to the first one in which it’s the missile he got heading to Hoboken New Jersey which got us the ending we got in the first one. However according to Richard Donner that’s not what he had in mind. He had Superman get rid of the bomb leaving things ambiguous for the audience except for the Missile which hits the Phantom Zone Prison cell and that was how it would end. Then there is probably one of the BIGGEST controversies in both cuts. The loss of Jor-El played by Marlon Brando. In Lester’s cut Brando’s Jor-El is cut entirely, they used voiceovers to dub out Marlon Brando. So what was the Salkinds’ solution? Bring back Susannah York who played Lara, Superman’s Kryptonian mom to fill in. However Donner’s cut does bring Marlon Brando back to be Jor-El. But another controversial moment occurs when Superman decided to become human and strip himself of his powers. In Donner’s Cut Jor-El is against that notion saying his responsibilities have to take precedent. But in Lester’s cut, Lara’s all for it. Could you imagine the two discussing this? (Cut to the Kryptonian great beyond while Jor-El played by Mike Santos & Lara played by Traci Hines.)

Lara: Would you deny your son a right to be happy?

(Mike Santos mumbles like Marlon Brando)

Lara: Yes, he is the last of our kind and yes he must protect the world he now calls his home but he has a right to have feelings towards one of their kind. Does he not?

(Mike Santos mumbles like Marlon Brando)

Lara: Well, you know what? The Devil with you! I’m going to give our son the right to be with the one he truly has romantic feelings for and there isn’t thing one you can do to stop me from allowing our child the right to happiness! (Mike Santos mumbles like Marlon Brando before cutting back to James doing a voiceover both versions of “Superman II”)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So which one was edited better? While again Donner’s Cut was more connected to the first movie and had he gone on to work on Superman we probably would see as Marc McClure said Jimmy Olsen being played by him at this moment and Christopher Reeve if his accident that left him paralyzed never happened would still be The Man Of Steel but it ends without what I feel is a satisfactory ending like it did in the Lester cut. So I guess it comes to how these movies ended and get ready because we’re now in Spoiler territory for the dozen people or so who haven’t seen these movies, I suggest you stop here and check out both versions of this movie. You have been warned. In both cuts Zod and his generals are stopped when Superman reversed the polarity of the neutron flow to the device that he used earlier to become human and then without anger finished off Zod and his generals once and for all. But here is where it differs. In Donner’s cut, Superman destroys the Fortress of Solitude, reverses time so Zod and his generals are re-imprisoned and not only does Lois forget that Clark is in fact Superman the world actually forgets Zod attacked and ends with Clark beating up a patron at a restaurant who was a complete jerk when he and Lois were there. But to me it makes no sense. If Superman went back in time to stop from becoming human then the two wouldn’t have gone into the restaurant and the jerk patron wouldn’t have been an ass to both Lois & Clark. So why would Superman do that to the guy. This is where Lester’s cut of the ending is better but slightly. Instead of Time Travel, Clark does the magic kiss that makes Lois forget that he was Superman which is ridiculous itself, deals with the Jack ass patron and tells the President that he will never shirk his responsibilities ever again. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: It was close but The Lester Cut edges out the Donner Cut but not by much. Because although it makes and take liberties fans were against, it ended with a satisfactory ending. Point goes to Lester’s cut. (Cut to DVD Covers of both “Superman II” the Lester Cut & the Donner cut as the Music cue from the 1:43 mark until the 1:59 mark and a number 1 mark is shown Donner’s Cut’s cover and a number two mark is over the Lester Cut’s cover in the same text as the first Superman movie opening credits before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: So it appears the classic is ahead two to one and when we return we’ll get... (Cut to static distortion from “Superman: Man Of Steel” before Zod from the “Christopher Reeve Superman Movies” played by John Ross Santos slams on the monitor to clear the distortion)

Zod: Not so fast Houstonian! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Good grief, couldn’t you give The Nostalgia Critic more Tsouris for you being in a movie in which you are ridiculed? (Cut to Zod)

Zod: I have given him enough, now you must face my wrath! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: For what? (Cut to Zod)

Zod: For not watching the Zod cut of the “Superman II” movie! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: The Zod cut? (Cut to Zod)

Zod: YES! It features me, Ursa and Non making the son of Jor-El KNEEEEEEEEEEEEL after we claim the planet Houston in the name of Krypton! And we make The Son of Jor-El do things that no one should do including me riding him like a horse all throughout all the lands of Houston. Ursa forcing that human woman Lois Lane to carry a monument to my glory whist being whipped like a horse on a chain and Non using the human males Jimmy Olsen, Perry White and Lex Luthor ruler of Australia for sporting balls! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Well how does it end? (Cut to Zod)

Zod: End? It never ends as I reign supreme over Houston and no one defies me ever again! And just to show I am not an unfair supreme overlord, you will watch and ready a review of it during your break. (Cut to James)

Zod (Audio only): And just to prove my point. (Cut to Zod)

Zod: I have sent Ursa and Non to keep you strapped down to your chair so you can watch my ascension to eternal glory! (Cut to James having a metal pipe wrapped around him and his eyes forced open as Ursa played by Eliza Dushku and Non played by Eric Kurtzke have the Blu-Ray disc and Blu-Ray Player in their possession)

TLOTA: Yeah, kind have set everything up haven’t you! Uh where are the rest of my associates?

Ursa: Unable to save you Houstonian!

(Cut to everyone else being trapped in ORAC’s chamber with the Door sealed)

Renee Miller: ORAC, any way to cut through that welded door?

ORAC: Unless you have either heat vision or a Sonic Screwdriver we are all stuck here!

Rebecca Yaun: I’m never going to see my newlywed husband again am I?

Paulo Fonseca: So now what do we do?

(Cut to the outside of the door where a red light is seen at where the door is welded shut before cutting to the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return act to the review cutting to the movie while James does a voice over cutting to James physically writing down what he thinks about “The Zod Cut”.)

TLOTA: Okay. There we are. Give this to Zod with my regards. (The two try to look through the envelope.)

Ursa: Houstonian! Tell me why I cannot see through this envelope.

TLOTA: Ursa, I lined it with lead so that way, when you hand the review to your leader he may enjoy it himself.

Ursa: Makes sense, but know this, if it is as bad a review as given by the one you call Siskel N. Ebert, you will meet the same fate as he did!

TLOTA: HOLD IT! Would you two mind if you just walked out instead of demolishing everything around you, my lease is for several years and my security deposit won’t come back to me until six months before I decide I can still afford rent on the place one year before I’m done leasing.

Ursa: Very well, come Non. Let the Houstonian finish his work. (The two walk away as James sighs)

TLOTA: Well, where was I? Oh yeah which of the cuts had the better cast and who performed their Iconic Characters. (Cut to DVD Covers of both “Superman II” the Lester Cut & the Donner cut as the Music cue from the 1:43 mark until the 1:59 mark and the words “Cast & Characters” in the same text as the first Superman movie opening credits before cutting to James doing a voiceover clips from both versions.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Both cuts have all of the cast that survived the first movie and I give them the credit due to them for giving respect to the characters they played especially Christopher Reeve for being Superman and while I mean no disrespect to the actors who performed the character in both live action and animated form before and after him but there is a reason Christopher Reeve is Number One on Watchmojo.com’s list of the best performances of Superman, Because he was able to convey the Iconic role in a way that even a decade since Christopher Reeve’s passing that whenever People think of Superman, they first think of Christopher Reeve. But the difference, I had already talked about with the editing and that happened to be Susannah York in Lester’s Cut and Marlon Brando in Donner’s cut. But which of the two did the better job with what they had? Well to be honest neither one of the casts put out a bad performance so which one was better? The Donner Cut with Brando? Or The Lester Cut with Susannah York? Now this time I suggest you trust your judgement. While it was great to see Marlon Brando reprise his role of Jor-El in the Donner Cut as well as interact with Christopher Reeve in this version welcoming him back after disobeying his father’s wishes to stay as he was and become a champion of his adoptive world after doing something irrationally for the sake of love. The Lester Cut made it clear that Lara understood her son’s wishes and understood where he was coming from and I think in the back of her mind she knew it wasn’t gonna work out well for him, so she let her son make the choice and then proceeded to let him live with knowing what that mistake meant. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So I guess this one goes to The Donner cut because for as much as I love how the cast performs admirably in the Lester Cut, the Donner cut while not perfectly acted was better because you could really tell that Donner had this cast doing more in mind when he was working on finishing Superman II, plus he had a cameo in there, I’m certain the Salkinds removed from Lester’s Cut. Point goes to the Donner Cut. (Cut to DVD Covers of both “Superman II” the Lester Cut & the Donner cut as the Music cue from the 1:43 mark until the 1:59 mark and a number two roman mark is shown Donner’s Cut’s cover and a number two roman mark is over the Lester Cut’s cover in the same text as the first Superman movie opening credits before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: It’s all tied up so now we come to the arguably the deciding factor, The Re-Watch Factor (Cut to DVD Covers of both “Superman II” the Lester Cut & the Donner cut as the Music cue from the 1:43 mark until the 1:59 mark and the words “Re-Watch Factor” in the same text as the first Superman movie opening credits before cutting to James doing a voiceover clips from both versions.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Both these movies have that I get that but which one gives the audience a better feeling of satisfaction. Well the Donner Cut left people for the most part with a sense of what should’ve been, it also left fans feeling that had Donner and the Salkinds not fallen out what would’ve been Donner’s version of Superman III & IV or what would’ve happened to the franchise. That’s where The Lester Cut is better but slightly. While fans still get rightfully steamed around the collar about the romantic aspect between Lois & Superman in this movie it feels balanced out in a certain way when Superman says to Zod, this iconic moment.

Superman: General! Would you care to step outside?

TLOTA (Voiceover): And that is where it is better in the Lester Cut. In the Donner Cut it was less epic.

Superman: General! Haven’t you heard of freedom of the press?

TLOTA (Voiceover): So the question is which one has the re-watch factor more than the other. While the Donner cut has been around for nearly a decade, everyone remembers The Lester Cut better because it felt less like three and more like the Original movie in a lot of the tone and while both cuts are great, I have to give it to the Lester cut. Why? Because it is one of the best sequels that gets better and reminds you why the first one is as great as the sequel you’re watching. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So it is with that I call the better cut the Richard Lester Cut of Superman II! (Cut to DVD Covers of both “Superman II” the Lester Cut & the Donner cut as the Music cue from the 1:43 mark until the 1:59 mark and a number two roman mark is shown Donner’s Cut’s cover and a number three roman mark is over the Lester Cut’s cover in the same text as the first Superman movie opening credits before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: So that does it for another edition of “The Different Cuts”. I hope that you enjoyed… (A loud earth shaking thud is heard and felt.)

TLOTA: ORAC?! What in The Name Of The Doctor is going on out there?!

ORAC (Audio only): Zod is outside!

TLOTA: Okay, go to Plan Epsilon Zod Omega! (Cut to Zod hovering over the office studio before zooming to him)

Zod: COME AND FACE YOUR FATE HOUSTONIAN!

ORAC (Audio only): Attention Zod, please step through the front door and meet James Faraci The Last Of The Americans in the main lobby! (Zod lands and steps through the front door and is hit with a blast of Colored Energy before coming face to face with James.)

Zod: Alright Houstonian 1) What was that energy I felt going through me and 2) What is the meaning of your review of the Zod Cut?

TLOTA: Okay that energy was a scan of your Isomorphic energy to make sure you could enter. You did and secondly, if you’re referring to the fact I wrote, “Superman: Man Of Steel” is a better version of your movie.” then allow me to illustrate. (Cut to “Superman: Man Of Steel” and Christopher Reeve’s Superman and both versions of Superman II while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA: Because for all the complaining and how Polarizing the movie may make people feel, I give Zack Snyder kudos for paying homage to what Richard Donner and Richard Lester did together than Bryan Singer’s attempt to restart the “Superman” franchise. Remember how the people flipped out over all the product placement in “Superman: Man Of Steel” in the middle of the battle between Zod and his associates well, guess what in both cuts of Superman II, there was product placement a plenty when he took on Zod and his associates in there. Oh speaking of Zod and his associates, Zod having a gigantic non talking man mammoth and a cold blooded female second in command. Oh yeah, Both Donner and Lester totally didn’t feel it necessary to do that in their Superman movies. Then of course there’s how Superman’s origin while chunks are out of place in “Superman Man Of Steel” didn’t mean that it didn’t acknowledge it was just as unique. We’ve seen it before done in Richard Donner’s Superman and in shows like “Lois And Clark The New Adventures of Superman”, “Superman The Animated Series” and heck I’m giving “Smallville” the benefit of the doubt as to how clear it told Superman’s backstory. “Superman: Man Of Steel” just did it a little differently and while it wasn’t well done, it was done to the best of the filmmakers’ abilities. Oh and lest I forget Zod’s plan. Take over a planet to rebuild his civilization? Where did Snyder see that first? (Cut to James and Zod physically)

TLOTA: Your movie was nothing except a snuff film where your ego ran rampant and showed how much you want to be made to be this all out high and mighty deity when the reality is that you are a pathetic little worm with the ego of Uwe Boll and the brains God gave a common dogpile!

Zod: Very well then, prepare for pain unrelenting even beyond death! (Zod tries to use his eye lasers to reduce James to cinders when Zod realizes something isn’t working.) WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS HOUSTONIAN!

TLOTA: Okay first off, I am a human on the planet Earth, secondly, I lied about the energy scan. That was electrified kryptonite affecting you down to your very genetic core.

Superman (Offscreen): Not so fast Zod! (Superman played by Paulo Fonseca walks in from the Backdoor and brings the rest of team TLOTA)

Superman: It’s time for you to leave this planet once and for all. (Cut to James and Zod)

TLOTA: Hold up! Zod is as weak as a kitten as a matter of fact. JEANNIE! Please bring Rowdy and have him bring the x-factor!

Zod: The X-Factor?! (Rowdy appears via Jeannie blink)

Rowdy: Hiya Zod, would you mind reading this? (Zod grabs the card out of Rowdy’s hand.)

Zod: Well, this makes no sense what is “A Naughty Hitler”? (Rowdy takes a deep breath before cutting to Batman played by James Faraci, Superman played by Paulo Fonseca, The John Stewart Green Lantern played by Renee Miller and Wonder Woman played by Rebecca Yaun)

Batman: You let that guy named “Rowdy” do all those things to Zod with the Sriracha, Horseradish and Ghost Pepper Hot sauce?

Superman: Well don’t look at me if DC Comics won’t give me the push to have better sales than your comics I’ll do what I have to do in order to do so! Even doing things your way to a degree, that is. Besides all Rowdy did was take down a terrorist. Wish more people were like him.

Wonder Woman: Great Hera Superman, you just sat back as Rowdy pummeled Zod and shoved a Baseball bat up his miniature Kryptonite chunk and shoved all those things into places no creature should or deserves to have that stuff shoved in him.

Superman: Well James stopped him and… (Cut to shot of Prison cell facility while Superman narrates)

Superman (Off screen): Zod willingly went back to jail. (Zod shouts “Safe at last” from a distance off screen then cut to the outside of the “Daily Planet”)

Superman (Off Screen): Me and Lois wrote the article then wrote a little extra. (Cut to Superman flying)

Superman (Off Screen): Then I flew to the highest point of the atmosphere and smiled into the camera. The usual shtick. (Cut to the four superheroes enjoying their drinks at a restaurant.)

Green Lantern: Hey guys, Guess what I see over my shoulder? (The other three see the animated Superman and Batman from “How It Should Have Ended”)

Wonder Woman: They saw us didn’t they? By the goddesses!

Green Lantern: I hope not.

Superman: Now What?

Batman: Just let them do what they do best. (Cut to the animated Superman and Batman from H.I.S.H.E)

Animated Superman: Hey guys, You know we saw what you guys did.

Animated Batman: I think you people are insane!