(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the
statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the
Robo Knight Robo Morpher and punching in the code 428 from the 0:00-0:03 mark
from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04
mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James
Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Long
sleeve Tee-Shirt with the American flag design on it, Blue cargo Jeans and Tan
Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American
Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from
the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with
Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring
Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the
Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of
American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of
American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through
moments from the 2015 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James landing
on Linkara, to James getting his nards smashed, To Josie & The Pussycats
running into James’ office, to James and Paulo dressed as the Mario Brothers on
a snow sled, to Everyone at team TLOTA running out of James’ office, to James
leading the charge against the Cullens and the vampires of The Twilight Saga,
to Rowdy turning his head to Paulo with a demented smile on his face as
everyone save for James looks scared as James has his right hand with defeat on
his face until the 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American
Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver towards the Power
Rangers then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of
The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American
Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a
heroic pose with Rowdy, Paulo Fonseca, John Santos, Eliza Dushku & Eric
Kurtzke on his right and The Nostalgia Kid, Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Traci
Hines, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on
a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of
American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top
of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to
a table where Piano music is heard playing the MST3K theme song and a plethora
of food with Ham, Cheese & Turkey, with fruit and veggies is spread
colorfully before the camera pans to the head of Jack Perkins played by Eric
Kurtzke is resting on the end of the table before standing upright)
Jack Perkins: Hello, I’m Jack Perkins and I would like to
introduce you to this fabulous review of the movie “Mystery Science Theater
3000 The Movie” as done by Gus Webb “The Nostalgia Kid”, Chris Lee Moore “The
Rowdy Reviewer” Grrr the guy is crazy (Jack chuckles) and finally….
TLOTA (Audio only): Bar’s fully stocked
Jack Perkins: Oh Goodie! Goodie! I think I’ll make my usual
five o’clock cocktail. (Camera turns to James)
TLOTA: Some people…. I’m James Faraci The Last Of The
Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some
of yours. As you can tell, I’m having a little celebration. Rowdy’s on his way,
everyone else is back from sabbatical and I have certain family members whose
birthday is around the corner and as an added bonus I’m celebrating the return
of The Satellite Of Love as Mystery Science Theater 3000 returns to the
airwaves. As a matter of fact, I asked everyone to come with a bad movie they
all like to riff on for fun as a party game. (The Nostalgia Kid and Rowdy pop
in from out of nowhere via Jeannie blink)
The Nostalgia Kid: I brought The 1990’s Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtles movie for us to riff.
Rowdy: And I brought The godawful insult to the 80s that is
the Jem & the Holograms movie. (turns to camera) Which just might be the
subject of a three-way crossover review with Writrzblok and Cartoon Hero coming
this Labor Day and viewed at rowdyc.com…
TLOTA: This isn’t a DX promo dude, cut it out! Anyway, sure
those are good choices. But it’s not a bad movie riffing party without
“Fishtales” (Rowdy groans as The Nostalgia Kid goes ooh!)
Rowdy: Not that movie again!
The Nostalgia Kid: Well I have yet to see it, this might be
a fun one to riff on.
ORAC (Audio only): ALERT! A signal is trying to make contact
to us.
TLOTA: Patch it through! (Static breaks to see Professor
Hiram Stupidiot laughing maniacally before cutting to the three looking)
Rowdy & TLOTA (In Unison): STUPIDIOT!
Nostalgia Kid: Who?
TLOTA: A Continual pain in the tuchus for Rowdy. (Cut to
Stupidiot.)
Professor Stupidiot: That is right James Faraci The Last Of
The Americans and Rowdy and friend! (Cut to James, Rowdy & Nostalgia Kid)
The Nostalgia Kid: Actually I’m The Nostalgia Kid. (Cut to
Stupidiot)
Professor Hiram Stupidiot: Well whoever you are you are
about to join them in here this satellite that’ll stay in Geosynchronistic
orbit for the next fifty years or when I take over the entire Tri County
Metroplex and you’ll have nothing but bad movies and TV Shows to watch while
you stay up there. (Professor Stupidiot laughs maniacally until a voice off
screen yells at Stupidiot to shut up when Dr. Plotsz played by Paulo Fonseca
appears from Stage Left)
Dr. Plostz: Ach Du Lieber! I AM TRYING TO VORK HERE! (Cut to James, Rowdy
& The Nostalgia Kid)
TLOTA: DR. PLOTSZ?! What are you doing there? (Cut to
Stupidiot & Plotsz)
Dr. Plotsz: Vell Herr Faraci, I vas given quite a bit of
money to build Ze Satellite and I developed quite a few movies and TV show
ideas.
Stupidiot: I loved the one in which there was a scientist
who sent a low level employee into outer space who made robots to keep him sane
as he watches bad movies that once repeated over & over again which will
reduce the mind to the consistency of rotten vegetables so the Mad Scientist
can take over the WORLD! (Cut to James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid)
TLOTA: Do you two want to join me or…? (Rowdy & The
Nostalgia Kid nod yes.)
TLOTA, Nostalgia Kid & Rowdy (In unison): THAT’S MYSTERY
SCIENCE THEATER 3000! (Cut to Stupidiot & Plotsz)
Stupidiot: Well speak of the devil and he will appear
because before I launch the three of you into space, I’ve got something
for the three of you to watch. (Stupidiot cackles as he pulls out the Mystery
Science Theater 3000 the Movie DVD before cutting to James, Rowdy & The
Nostalgia Kid)
Nostalgia Kid: Wait a second? (Cut to Stupidiot’s hand
holding the case for Mystery Science Theater 3000 the movie)
Nostalgia Kid (Audio only): Mystery Science Theater 3000 The
Movie?! (Cut to James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid physically)
Nostalgia Kid: HOLY CRAP! Let’s do this! (Cut to clips of
the movie as James, Rowdy and The Nostalgia Kid do voiceovers)
Nostalgia Kid (Voiceover): I briefly made mention to this on
my tribute to Mystery Science Theater 3000 but this bears a full on out review.
But I think what makes this show great is that it makes fun of a bad movie and
we get to revel in the joy of it.
Rowdy (Voiceover): Well that’s because Mystery Science
Theater 3000 is required watching if you become an internet reviewer and the movie
just feels like the crash course before the starter class.
TLOTA (Voiceover): But will the movie live up to the show or
will it wind up getting itself riffed apart. (Cut to James, Rowdy & The
Nostalgia Kid physically)
TLOTA: So let’s find out… (Cut to Stupidiot & Plotsz)
Stupidiot: NOT SO FAST! If you’re going to review this
movie, you must do it properly as I send you the movie! (Cut to James, Rowdy
& The Nostalgia Kid physically as Movie Alarm Klaxons blare)
Nostalgia Kid: MOVIE SIGN! (James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia
Kid scream and run around which causes James to get dizzy.)
TLOTA: Which way do I go George? Which way do I go?
Rowdy & Nostalgia Kid (Pointing in different directions):
THIS WAY! (James shakes Rowdy & Nostalgia Kid’s hands)
TLOTA: Gee Thanks a lot George! Thanks a lot! (All three
fall down as the wall behind James’s Office Entertainment center splits in half
as the MST3K Theater entry rundown is shown before cutting to the movie being
shown with a theater silhouette with The Nostalgia Kid being the third one down
the center, Rowdy sitting next to him and James sitting at the end)
TLOTA (in Silhouette): As I was trying to say this is
Mystery Science Theater 3000 The movie. So the movie opens up in Deep 13 where
we meet Dr. Clayton Forrester played by Trace Beaulieu as he exposits on what
he has done and what he plans to do to you guessed it take over the world.
(Show Clip of Carlos Mencia as Punji in “Mind Of Mencia” saying “Oh, Of
Course.”)
Rowdy (In Silhouette): And what is his plan to take over the
world by showing us the same bad movie until our collective I.Q. is at the same
level of Tapioca Pudding. Now is it me or is something missing?
Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Well TV’s Frank had left the
season before and Pearl by this point hadn’t been introduced in the continuity
of where the movie was at with the series so in the movie he was flying solo.
It’s here he tells us that he thinks he has found the perfect movie to reduce
our collective intelligence to that of Tapioca Pudding with “This Island Earth”
and plans on testing it on those trapped on the “Satellite Of Love” and
speaking about the “Satellite Of Love” we soon go inside as we’re introduced to
Mike Nelson played by Michael J. Nelson as we see him getting his daily workout
in. (Rowdy & James hum “Gonna Fly Now” as Mike runs on the treadmill for a
few seconds before cutting to a glowing eye)
Nostalgia Kid (in Silhouette): I’m Sorry Dave but I cannot allow
you to Jeopardize this movie!
TLOTA (in Silhouette): Actually that’s Gypsy performed by
the director of the movie Jim Mallon as Gypsy tells him what’s on the itinerary
for the day and gives him the report, Tom Servo played by Kevin Murphy and
as far as I’m concerned the best one as he lets Mike know that Crow is trying
to break them out of the Satellite. But How? (The scene in which Crow tries to
pick out the bottom of the hull is shown as all three in Silhouette say
Cha-Cha-Cha as the pick hits the hull)
Rowdy (In Silhouette): Actually that wasn’t a smart move on
Crow’s part because… (Show moment in which The Hull is breached and Tom Servo
is being pulled into the vacuum of space as the three react with NO! TOM! NO!
TOM SERVO! Until Tom’s Hover skirt covers the circumference of the hole in the
outer hull as James, Rowdy and Nostalgia Kid sigh a sigh of relief.)
Nostalgia Kid (in Silhouette): Fortunately, the helmet worn
by Crow T. Robot who is also performed by Trace Beaulieu is big enough to patch
the hole so Tom Servo could get free and just in time for Dr. Forrester to
torture the three of them kneel and Crow to speak in tongues and tell them the
movie they’ve got to see. (Show the moment in which they get the movie sign and
the entryway to the theater)
TLOTA (in Silhouette): Is it me or is the entryway to the
theater in the series better than the one in the movie.
Nostalgia Kid & Rowdy (in Silhouette): Eh, A little.
Nostalgia Kid (in Silhouette): And from here on out, we’re
getting two movies for one. Not a bad deal if I say so.
TLOTA (in Silhouette): Not at all as we check out “This
Island Earth” with Mike, Crow & Servo. Now do you two understand why we’re
on the left. (Show the movie as Mike, Crow & Servo riff the movie as James,
Rowdy & Nostalgia Kid look on)
Rowdy (In Silhouette): You know I wonder why didn’t this
movie succeed at the box office the way it should’ve.
TLOTA (in Silhouette): Well, from what I read the same
promoters and the company that released this movie released and promoted Pamela
Anderson’s movie “Barb Wire” the same weekend guess where the money to promote
this movie went to?
The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Cocaine?
TLOTA (In Silhouette): That and Pamela Anderson’s T&A
fest!
Rowdy (In Silhouette): Well that just makes it a BIGGER
frack-up that the Nostalgia Critic didn’t use the “tried to kill me with a
forklift” joke!
TLOTA (In Silhouette): But the joke was on them because more
people were in theaters to see this movie than Pamela’s movie and here’s a
missed joke opportunity.
Rowdy (In Silhouette): Where? When?
TLOTA (In Silhouette): When Dr. Cal Meacham in “This Island
Earth” is in his jet and is having landing problems and the jet is surrounded
by Green Energy. What type of superhero emits Green Energy?
The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Oh, I got it now
Deadpool!
TLOTA (In Silhouette): I’m not gonna talk to you until after
the break! At any rate after Dr. Meacham builds the Interocitor with his
assistant Joe they meet with a person named Exeter in “This Island Earth” our
heroes riff on their soon to be home at the time.
Rowdy (In Silhouette): Oh yeah, after Season 7 Trace
Beaulieu left the series and Comedy Central gave it the axe only for Sci-Fi
Channel to pick it up and since I said that I guess I have to comply with IRU regulations
don’t I?
TLOTA (In Silhouette): Yep! ORAC! Hit it! (Play the clip of
The Joker shouting “If You have to explain the joke, THERE IS NO JOKE! Before
cutting back to the three in silhouette watching the movie.)
The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette) And just as the three get
really into the groove the movie breaks. (James’ Cell phone rings.)
TLOTA (In Silhouette): Hello!
The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): He has a Cell Phone? And
the ringtone is “Go Go Power Rangers?”
Rowdy (In Silhouette): Trust me I rode him for that.
TLOTA (Points to Rowdy In Silhouette): Well, Yours is the
theme from “The Dukes Of Hazzard”! ORAC! Pause the movie where “This Island
Earth” broke.
Rowdy (In Silhouette): What happened?
TLOTA (In Silhouette): There’s Chaos back in the studio and
I’ve got to deal with it. (James walks out)
The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Want to see what all the
hubbub is all about?
Rowdy (In Silhouette): Do I?! (Cut to the MST3K Theater entry rundown is
shown before cutting to the wall behind James’s Office Entertainment center as
it closes)
TLOTA: What in the Sam hill is going on around here?
Paulo Fonseca: In a word…. CHAOS!
Rebecca Yaun: After Jack got into the bar he got so blotto
he hit on everything in a skirt, including Eliza.
TLOTA: What? Where is Jack now?
Eliza Dushku: Currently in a cage sleeping off being beaten
like a government mule! Oh by the way the Pizza you promised didn’t deliver!
TLOTA: Who ordered the Pizza?!
Renee: I did, I found a place that was closer than the one
your Brother in laws’ family runs and it was cheaper.
TLOTA: Where did you order from?
Renee: Torgo’s Pizza?
(Everyone groans)
TLOTA: Renee! Torgo’s Pizza is a chain franchise. I HATE
Chain Franchise Pizzas they all taste the same! There is a reason I choose my
brother in laws’ pizza over the Chain Franchise. FLAVOR! And the fact the money
stays in local business owners hands to improve their business and doesn’t pay
for another corporate higher-up yacht’s down payment!
(Torgo’s theme from “Manos: The Hands Of Fate” plays as
Torgo played by Nick Yaun ambles in)
Torgo: Heere are your Pizzas. Thaat will be sixty-five
dollars.
TLOTA: Here’s eighty, keep the change!
Torgo: Thank you so very much sir. Let me get the
complimentary Garlic Knots.
Everyone else: NOO!
TLOTA: Just get back on delivery schedule.
Torgo: Very Well then, before I go the master wanted you to
have these coupons for the Pizza Buffet. He wanted you to have them, but I am
giving you them to you. Have a Nice day! (Torgo ambles away as his theme plays
in the background before the door closes and the theme ends.)
TLOTA: I’m going to have to sterilize that door knob and
anything else he touched before I let anyone else touch it. Anyone else got
good news?
John Santos: I had to drop The Wrestling Mark like a bad
habit he was just getting more and more belligerent.
(“Pitch” from “Santa
Claus” pop jump cuts in played by Mike Santos)
TLOTA: Wha… How did you get in here?
Pitch: Oh I’m one of Jack Perkins’s plus Ones
TLOTA: How many Plus Ones did Jack Perkins invite?
Pitch: Well there was me and one other person. (A fluty
piece is heard as Mr. B Natural played by Traci Hines pop jump cuts in as Rowdy
and The Nostalgia Kid scream in terror and James Grabs them)
Mr. B Natural: Hello everybody! Mr. B Natural at your
service, as natural a B as you’ll ever see! Knew your fathers I did! And don’t
think I wasn’t in the garden with Mr. & Mrs. Adam.
Rowdy: I don’t know about you but this party is insane! We
need some order! Let’s take a break!
TLOTA: Good Idea!
Mr. B Natural: A Super idea! And in the break I’ll awaken
the spirit of music in you and in you and in you and in all of you! You’ll feel
like a happy king! And we’ll have Fun! Fun! FUN!
(Mr. B Natural raises its right leg over its head as James,
Nostalgia Kid & Rowdy nervously chuckle and say “That’s nice, That’s really
nice” Before the three shout “MOM!” as loud as they can before cutting to the 0:36-end
mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run
play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The
Last Of The Americans” on it act as and the three of them shouting “MOM!”
continues as the commercial break intro fades to black and then cut to the
return as the movie is being shown with a theater silhouette as The Nostalgia
Kid being the third one down the center, Rowdy sitting next to him and James
sitting at the end)
The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Thank god for that
commercial break.
Rowdy (In Silhouette): It was a miracle that everything is
under control again.
TLOTA (In Silhouette): Well, let’s get back to the review.
As Dr. Forrester tries to fix the movie we discover that Mike is instrument
rated for Microsoft Flight Simulator and that Gypsy is the one robot who keeps
the Satellite flying but when Mike tries, he hit the Hubble! Hmm Subtle.
The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): What? What was subtle?
TLOTA (In Silhouette): When Mike unleashed the Manipulator
Arms it was Torgo’s theme, and who played Torgo in MST3K.
Rowdy (In Silhouette): Mike Nelson and before he was the host Mike
was quite the utility player.
The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Well yeah, aside from
Torgo, he was also Michael Finestein, the colossus from those Burt I Gordon
movies that were on MST3K, Jack Perkins, the list goes on & on!
TLOTA (In Silhouette): Well aside from some cosmetic damage
it seems like it’s still good. (The Hubble falls from the sky before cutting to
an image of the four kids from South Park as the Hubble crashes onto Kenny)
TLOTA, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid (In unison): Never
mind! (The movie cuts back in.)
Rowdy (In Silhouette): Well “This Island Earth” is repaired
as the three head back to the theater. Though I do have to ask why “This Island
Earth” I mean yeah there was good riffing material outside of this movie.
The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Well I think it had to be
because Universal was the distributors and a caveat for Universal distributing
this movie was for the team at Best Brains & MST3K to have them riff on one
of their B-Movies and “This Island Earth” just seemed right in their wheel
house. Oh by the by Paramount one of the Parent Companies of Comedy Central
were also planning a movie but it would’ve brought Joel back and been like a
pilot episode type of thing with Paramount having the right to recast parts with
actors at their discretion. But after Tom Servo spills he has an Interocitor
somewhere in his part of the Satellite and the three of them leaves the movie
to Tom’s Room!
TLOTA (In Silhouette): YOWZA! And I thought I seen places
that were Level 10 Bio Hazard Hell holes but as I look at this, I think it’s
safe to say Tom Servo’s room makes them habitable to human beings in comparison
but they find it and…. (Everyone screams as they see a member of Exeter’s race
in the shower as James, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid scream and try to avert
their eyes.)
Rowdy (In Silhouette): I never want to see an Alien in the
buff unless it was Turanga Leela!
TLOTA & The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Hear! Hear!
TLOTA (In Silhouette) However Dr. Forrester mercifully
interrupts our heroes and… (Show Tom Servo’s head being blown as James, Rowdy
& The Nostalgia Kid groan and say NO! NOT SERVO!)
Rowdy (In Silhouette): Hasn’t that poor bot suffered enough
without having his head blown to bits! But Forrester does get them back to
finish riffing on the movie.
TLOTA (In Silhouette): After “This Island Earth” ends Dr.
Forrester thinks he’s reduced the brains of Mike and The Bots collective I.Q.
to that of Tapioca Pudding he checks up on them to see they’re throwing a party
and reveling in the insanity of the movie. Pissed that his plan failed for the
umpteenth time he decides to reverse the polarity of the Neutron flow on his Interocitor
only to have him wind up with that member of Exeter’s race in the shower and
apparently everyone on the Satellite is glad for that because now they’re stuck
in the Satellite forever…. Wait What?
The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): And the movie ends with
our heroes riffing on the end credits.
Rowdy (In Silhouette): And I was thinking maybe we could I
don’t know maybe sing the lyrics to the song.
TLOTA (In Silhouette): Sounds good to me.
TLOTA, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): In the
not too distant future, Way down in Deep 13, The Evil Dr. Forrester was
hatching a nasty scheme. He hired a guy by the name of Mike, just a regular Joe
he didn’t like his experiment needed a good test case. So he clocked him in the
noggin and then shot him into space!
The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): GET ME DOWN!
TLOTA (In Silhouette): I’ll Send him cheesy movies, the
worst I can find Tra-la-la! He’ll have to sit and watch ‘em all and I’ll
monitor his mind Tra-la-la!
TLOTA, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Now
keep in mind Mike can’t control how the movies begin or end Tra-la-la! He’ll try
to keep his sanity with the help of his robot friends! ROBOT ROLL CALL!
Rowdy (In Silhouette): Cambot!
TLOTA (In Silhouette): Gypsy!
The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette): Tom Servo!
TLOTA, Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid (In Silhouette):
CROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW! If you’re wondering how he eats and breathes and other
science facts! Tra-la-la! Just repeat to yourself it’s just a show, I should
really just relax! For Mystery Science Theater 3000! (The three get up and walk
out of the theater as the scene cuts to the MST3K Theater entry rundown is
shown before cutting to the wall behind James’s Office Entertainment center as
it closes)
TLOTA: So he should be back any second.
Nick Yaun: Actually he never shut down the line, we just had
him on Mute this whole time after he sent the movie to you three stooges.
Mike Santos: He’s been talking about how The Tri County
Metroplex will bow to every whim. (Everyone look at Mike Santos)
Mike Santos: I’ve got good hearing and Lip Reading. Besides
he couldn’t hear us because while he was yammering on and on, he’s been talking
and no one’s been hearing.
Eric Kurtzke: Besides I came up with a plan and I got the
right people to side with us!
TLOTA: Awesome. ORAC, you know what to do. (Cut to
Stupidiot)
Prof. Stupidiot: So you have seen the worst adaptation of a
show into a movie… (Cut to everyone else)
TLOTA: Back up pal that is where you are wrong. Shall we?
Everyone: THIS MOVIE WAS AWESOME! (Cut to Clips of the movie
as James, The Nostalgia Kid & Rowdy do voiceovers)
The Nostalgia Kid (Voiceover): First off, making a show into a movie can be a bad
idea when it is done wrong, but in Mystery Science Theater 3000's case...this
was a job done right. No wonder it has an Eighty-Eight Percent Audience
approval and Eighty Percent Critically accepted on RottenTomatoes.com or why
even Siskel & Ebert gave it Two Thumbs Up. (Cut to the Siskel & Ebert
Review of the movie before cutting back to the voiceovers)
The Nostalgia Kid (Voiceover): Sure this is a bit shorter length compare to
the length of an episode of the show, being 90 minutes. But you can see the
deleted scenes on Youtube or on the Blu-Ray to see what didn’t make the final
cut of the film.
Rowdy (Voiceover): And unlike REALLY bad adaptation movies
like the Dukes of Hazzard, Jem & the Holograms or that godawful excuse of a
Bewitched movie, this movie clearly knew what it was doing! Which shouldn’t be
surprising given it was just an extension of the actual show that was still
airing at the time and was made by the same people who did the show! You pretty
much get exactly what you should expect if you’re an MST3K fan: A riff of a B
movie, the characters acting like their snarky old selves, a plot with elements
that actually carry over into the series itself – for a show that never got any
real respect from its distributors, including the studio that distributed this
movie, it’s clear the creators didn’t let that get them down and stayed true to
what they knew their fan base would have wanted. Granted, that may have been
one of three big reasons Universal didn’t put much effort into the promotion and
I think we know the other two (shot of Pam Anderson) but at least Mike Nelson
and Company stayed true, and that’s what’s allowed this movie and the series to
maintain its cult status.
TLOTA: And as far as I’m concerned, it may be the closest to
a perfect adaptation of the series. So what if it didn’t succeed the way it
intended to. It eventually earned its cult status as has the series. So it’s no
surprise there is a reason the show and this movie has endured because it does
what we ALL want to do with a bad movie talk over the bad parts and mock it for
all it’s worth. (Cut to Everyone at James’ office)
Rowdy: And Really, Stupidiot, if you thought THIS was the
worst thing out there, this might be your worst evil scheme ever, and you once
tried to take over the Federal Reserve with your minions armed with super
soakers! (Cut to Stupidiot)
Prof. Stupidiot: There was a shipping mix up with the
blasters I ordered! I’ll never use UPS again!! But anyway, it won’t save you
from being stuck in space for the next fifty years with all this bad cinema!
(Cut to everyone else)
TLOTA: You’re right! But these will! (Everyone in James’
office pulls out a Sonic Screwdriver.)
Rebecca Yaun: And the fact that even though you paid Dr.
Plotsz to build the satellite, we paid him extra to ship you off to space for
the next fifty years. (Cut to Professor Stupidiot)
Prof. Stupidiot: PLOTSZ! (Dr. Plotsz steps into frame)
Dr. Plotsz: Jawhol!
Prof. Stupidiot: Did they pay you more to double cross me?
Dr. Plotsz: Vell, Einen Doctor Never kisses und tells vut….
Let me say Auf Wiedersehen! (Dr. Plotsz walks away as the ground beneath Prof.
Stupidiot starts to shake as he is cut off in the same manor when TV’s Frank
pressed the button to shut off communication to the Satellite of Love before
cutting to see Everyone outside of James’ office as it cuts to a plume of smoke
coming out if the same building.)
The Nostalgia Kid (Audio only): Imagine it…. (Cut to
everyone looking out into the sky)
The Nostalgia Kid: Trapped in there for fifty years with
nothing but bad TV, Movies and Video Games and with no one else.
TLOTA: Who said he was going to be alone for the next fifty
years? (Cut to the interior of the Satellite as we see Prof. Stupidiot is upset
that he is trapped with a drunk Jack Perkins, Mr. B. Natural, Pitch &
Torgo!)
Torgo: Aanyone wannaa Pizza?
Mr. B Natural: I don’t know about Pizza but how about I
awaken the spirit of music in all of you!
Jack Perkins (Singing): Wasted away again in Margaritaville!
Searchin’ for my lost shaker of salt! (Pitch chuckles)
Pitch: Can you believe we’ll get to know each other better
for the next fifty years! (Pitch chuckles)
Prof. Stupidiot: CURSE YOU ROWDY, NOSTALGIA KID AND JAMES
FARACI THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS! (Cut to the outside of James’ studio as a
gigantic shadow covers everyone.)
Rowdy: You know I just thought of something He might not be
up there for fifty years. Once he remembers the Deus Ex Machina, he’ll be back.
Nostalgia Kid: What, you mean the secret escape pod hidden
in the box of Hamdingers that Joel used to escape in?
Rowdy: Well, Stupidiot HAD to build that thing EXACTLY like
the original Satellite of Love, so no way that wasn’t included.
Chris (Audio only): So dude, what’s going on?
TLOTA: Oh the usual a psychopath tried to exile me into the
depths of space, reviewed a movie, sent said psychopath into the depths of
space himself. A usual Tuesday.
The Nostalgia Kid: Did any of you get a memo for a solar
eclipse?
Chris (Audio only): Oh you’re a funny guy. (Everyone turns
and the camera pans up from a pair of feet to James’ brother Chris’ face before
cutting to everyone else)
The Nostalgia Kid: MONGO! SANTAMARIA!
TLOTA: Relax that’s my brother and Chris he didn’t mean to
insult you like that and dude, not cool saying that to my brother!
The Nostalgia Kid: Mount Kilimanjaro is your brother?!
Rowdy: He doesn’t mean that Chris.
The Nostalgia Kid: The hell I don’t.
Rowdy: Apologize or you won’t get any ham dingers!
The Nostalgia Kid: He made ham dingers? How?!
TLOTA: Nostalgia Kid, you are looking at the best Chef in
the Albany region of New York!
The Nostalgia Kid: HE’S A CHEF?
TLOTA: Dude, let me give him a ham dinger and he’ll
apologize!
Chris (Audio only): Here you go! (Chris gives James a ham
dinger to The Nostalgia Kid)
The Nostalgia Kid: Hmm, Flaky yet tender Crust, Interior is
perfectly balanced and melts in my mouth. Chris, I hope you can accept my
apologies for being so crude and crass about you.
Chris (Audio only): We’re cool! (Chris smacks The Nostalgia
Kid in the back and sends everyone falling down like bowling pins.)
TLOTA: Dude, not cool! I thought I said no smacking at full
force! Everyone good? (Everyone nods as to say yes.) Awesome, why don’t you
head inside and I’ll be there shortly. I’m James Faraci The Last Of The
Americans and that’s my opinion. (James walks away before cutting to a black
screen with the words “Sometime later….” In white are seen. Before cutting to
The Nostalgia Kid as he has finished another review.)
The Nostalgia Kid: Phew! Another movie review in the books.
What to do next? (The Nostalgia Kid looks on his shelving to see a packaged DVD
and a card with it.)
The Nostalgia Kid (Reading aloud): “Hey there dude, sorry
you couldn’t stick around for the main event of the party which was us riffing
on this one, so I actually sent you a copy for you to check out. Watch at your
own risk. Your buddy James Faraci The Last Of The Americans”
The Nostalgia Kid: Hmm, wonder what it could be? (The
Nostalgia Kid unwraps the package and sees the cover of “Fishtales”) Well, I
have yet to see it. How bad it could be? (The Nostalgia Kid pops in the DVD as
the opening theme is heard before cutting to a black screen with the words “One
Viewing later….” In white are seen before cutting to The Nostalgia Kid with his
Jaw scraping the ground before he takes the disc and tosses it into the
garbage.)
The Nostalgia Kid (Whispering while looking into the camera):
I hate you James Faraci The Last Of The Americans!
(Cut to a black screen before cutting to James holding The
Nostalgia Kid and Rowdy as James counts down from 3 to 1 as they shout “MOM!”
and James says “Okay I’m sure at least one of us is deaf!” before the three of
them chuckle then the instrumental of Combine Harvester plays in the background
as James takes the camera to the green screen room as he shows us three chairs
and glued theater backing.)
TLOTA (Audio only): Little secret behind the scenes moment
these are just three standard Metal Chairs with a theater backing glued and
these are Portable DVD players so we can watch the movie in case we come up
with something on the fly masterfully built by our resident mad carpenter &
prop maker Nick Yaun as we see him partly Torgofied.
Nick Yaun: Yeah the shirt itches like hell.
TLOTA (Audio only): Well the guy who played Torgo 86’d
himself not long after filming “Manos: The Hands Of Fate.” Ended. So it’s no surprise it’s uncomfortable but
I’ll see if Renee can find a way to keep it from itching too much and here’s
Chris Lee Moore rehearsing with Gus and we can see the Stupidiot shirt is on
and he is rehearsing with Gus is rehearsing. How are you holding up in here?
Gus Webb: Nothing bad I can say
Chris Lee Moore: Okay, bit of truth here I forgot my
Stupidiot Bowtie but thankfully James has one that looks like it.
TLOTA (Audio Only): And here is Paulo Fonseca and this is
Brenda the lovely wife of Paulo. Yes, ladies he’s off the market and she’ll be
in next month’s review as the receptionist in our intro and what do you think
of your husband the mad scientist?
Brenda Fonseca: Well I heard that you were kind of
interesting in a crazy sort of way but hearing his German accent, well… he
actually does sound like Peter Sellers’ Mad German and the fact you were able
to bring it out of him is surprising. (Cut to Eric Kurtzke as he gets himself
ready to be Jack Perkins and Traci Hines is preparing to become Mr. B. Natural
and Mike is in his Pitch gear save for the Facial make-up)
TLOTA (Audio only): So there’s Eric and is it comfortable
becoming Jack Perkins or…
Eric Kurtzke: The Suit is comfortable but the teeth and bald
cap are a pain in the ass. But I’m getting comfortable.
TLOTA (Audio only): And this lovely lady helping out with
makeup is someone I met on the CONtv Facebook page, Olivia Horvath say hi to my
fans.
Olivia Horvath: Hi everyone. You know working here is an
interesting experience. I’ve done some of the things James asked of like this
before.
TLOTA (Audio only): Uh Will you be available for August and
September?
Olivia Horvath: Why?
TLOTA (Audio only): I’m going to be needing help on the
make-up for the Ghosts in the Ghostbusters review in August and September my
review of “Jem & The Holograms” for Traci to become Synergy and you need to
deconstruct and rebuild quickly in layers and speaking of… Traci, you seem to
be able to fit into Betty Luster and Bridget Nelson’s tights and how did you
get most of the costume.
Traci Hines: A lot of the stuff I’ll be wearing is from my
Peter Pan & Tinkerbell Cosplay that I’ve done. But props to Renee for being
able to work wonders with the needle and thread because it looks accurate and
feels comfortable.
TLOTA (Audio only): Listen while we have Eric as is let’s
shoot the part where Stupidiot is in the Satellite with the Drunk Jack Perkins
which is towards the end of the review. That good with you guys?
Eric Kurtzke: Well I’m a bit of a mess.
TLOTA (Audio only): So was Jack when he was sloshed. (Everyone
laughs as everything cuts to the studio as James is in the center Gus is on
James’ right and Rowdy is on his left as Gus shouts “Movie Sign” as he, Rowdy
and James run and Gus bumps into James, falls down and James signals for a cut.
Cut to James as he has to stand in platform shoes that raises him up to his
brother’s height.)
TLOTA: Chris! If you’re checking this out! You owe me big
time dude! I’m talking about you taking my ass to the New York Comic-Con so I
can meet Stan Lee before he passes away big! I’m actually playing my brother
Chris so he can still keep his job at “The Ruck” because he works his ass off.
For those wondering The Ruck is a bar which my brother cooks like the master
chefs. (Cut to black)
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