Friday, July 1, 2016

The Big 3: "Boldly" Ending Co-Written by Chris Lee "The Rowdy Reviewer" Moore

(Scene fades to James & Eliza)

TLOTA: Well, enjoying the look through my past?

Eliza Dushku: Wow, you were a part of a chorus that performed for the Miss New York of 1996 & Governor Pataki’s Wife. You any good?

TLOTA: Well, I tried to sing and act when I was in my High School performances. But during that time, my twin nieces were infants and I made a choice to stay in their lives instead of reaching for a brass ring I knew would I’d never get.

Eliza Dushku: Well anything I should know about before the final review?

TLOTA: Well, ORAC, explain.

ORAC: During production of the final movie faced inner turmoil as Jillian Zurowski and Brad Jones alias The Cinema Snob Had Divorced and Noah “Spoony” Antwiler had made what many considered disrespectful comments towards Hope Chapman who now goes by Justin after transitioning from female to male had been released from the site not long before the release of the first part of this multiple part special that when combined is three and a half hours long!

Eliza Dushku: THREE  & HALF HOURS?! What was he doing, a remake of “The Hobbit”?

TLOTA: Not really, it was considered the Nostalgia Critic’s last hurrah and I guess Doug Walker wanted him to go out with a bang.

Eliza Dushku: Okay well, what about you James.

TLOTA: I was about to become an uncle for the third time from my oldest brother and the father of my twin nieces, my sister had come back from Ohio and my other brother was going to get married. I had sent out 500 requests to people and guess what, NOT ONE YES in the entirety. As a matter of fact, I needed three of the harshest ones to be done by a certain trio your old buddy Joss had. As a matter of fact, here’s the prop from the movie. (Paulo Fonseca, Eric Kurtzke and Nick Yaun jump out of nowhere as The Bad Horse Trio to scare Eliza Dushku and sing the Bad Horse Chorus!)

Eliza Dushku: Was that.... ?

TLOTA: If you’re referring to The Bad Horse Trio then yes. Oh hey look it here two that didn’t make the cut.

Eliza Dushku: As in…

TLOTA: Weren’t used in the final decision I had for the three I needed for the review. This one is yours. (James opens the letter as the instrumental music from the Bad Horse Chorus is played and the Bad Horse Trio pop up.)

Bad Horse Trio: Hello there James, let me say your intelligence is the worst. Write to me again and you’ll be in a Hurst! I’d soon rather eat ten tons of moose poo!  So go away and leave me be signed Eliza Dushku!

Eliza Dushku: Well I was in a relationship so that might explain my desire not to go out on a date with you but who is the other letter from.

TLOTA: Well the other one was so obscure I was sure I had a shot but even SHE turned me down! (James opens the letter as the instrumental music from the Bad Horse Chorus is played and the Bad Horse Trio pop up and in the middle of it Eliza Dushku starts taking down the trio one at a time until the Bowler Hat wearing member played by Nick Yaun is left.)

Bad Horse Trio: Hello James Faraci, please do me a favor and never write to me again for you are a bore! (Eliza takes the Winker and Blackie taken off screen as they’re killed in a painful manor off screen) I’d soon rather have my colon taken over with a plague carrying rat! Now go parp off and go away signed Tina Barrett! (A Gun shot is heard as The Bowler Hat Wearing member is shot dead.)

TLOTA: Now why did you do that?

Eliza Dushku: Did you ever think why I never did “Dr. Horrible”? I don’t mind working with Joss if he wants me to but even I have standards.

ORAC: The review is ready and two last noteworthy notes to be mentioned. The Rowdy Reviewer assisted in James in the process of writing it and was given a co-writer credit and a co-reviewer on this and after the sudden cancellation in 1981 of the series “Blake’s 7” to which I was a part of, I make my return to the Popular Culture in this review. With that said I am engaging the review of “To Boldly Flee”

TLOTA: You watch, meanwhile I’ve got to clean up the mess you made.

(The two fade to black as we cut to a wave crashing on the beach as the music of “David’s Dream” from the pilot of “The Incredible Hulk” plays in the background as James sits on the beach contemplating before standing up to walk towards the water as the scene cuts to a first person perspective as a female hand comes up to James and James turns around and it shows James happy for the what feels like for the first time in an eternity and the two of them enjoy the moment of happiness until a dark cloud appears on the horizon as James and the female are moments are away from kissing and the scene cuts to James’ parents comes to him as “David’s Nightmare” from the pilot of “The Incredible Hulk” plays in the background and the scene returns to the first person perspective and James is forced not to move as the female walks backwards into the water and James struggles to escape as he and his parents sink eventually the music reaches its most intense as James inaudibly shouts “NO!” as it slowly becomes audible before cutting to James waking up breathing heavy in his bed in a pool of sweat looking around seeing he’s still in his room and noticing it’s 2 A.M. and goes on a cursing rant that puts the kids from “South Park” to shame before screaming and laying back down before the intro to “Heil Honey I’m Home!” plays and James screams in anger, gets out of bed, grabs a crowbar and walks out his bedroom door before James’ mom stops James)

James’ mom: James, it doesn’t have to end like this.


James’ mom: The Disk?

TLOTA: Good choice! (The intro continues to play as James walks down the hallway as he hits the eject button to eject the Disk from the DVD player and James tosses the Disk Player and uses the crowbar to play baseball with the disk as it ricochets off the mantle, off the spinning blades of the ceiling fan and then gets demolished as the disk makes its way back to James as it hits the crowbar before cutting to James’ dad.)

James’ dad: Why did you do that? (Cut to James standing next to his mom stuttering “Why did I do that?”)

TLOTA: WHY DID I DO THAT?! Oh Let me tell you why I did that! Ever since I had to get it away from my friend YOU’VE PLAYED IT NON-STOP! I’VE BEEN HEARING IT EVERY WAKING FUCKING HOUR! IT’S ALWAYS (James mocks the intro and dialogue of “Heil Honey I’m Home as James’ mom & dad look in fear until he screams in anger.)

James’ mom: Feel better son?


James’ mom: 499?

James’ dad: 1?

TLOTA: 500! And the last three were the final nail in the coffin!

James’ dad: Let me look at one. (James’ dad opens the letter as the instrumental music from the Bad Horse Chorus is played and the Bad Horse Trio played by Paulo Fonseca, Eric Kurtzke & Nick Yaun pop up.)

Bad Horse Trio: Hello there James Faraci, please get this through your brain. Your father is a Nazi and you’re insane! I’d soon rather eat my weight in Marble Tiles! Now go away and leave me alone. Signed Julia Stiles! (Cut to James and his mom)

James’ mom: It can’t be as bad you make it out to be. (James’ mom opens the letter as the instrumental music from the Bad Horse Chorus is played and the Bad Horse Trio pop up.)

Bad Horse Trio: Hello there James Faraci, please get this through your skull. Your parents seem to smother you and it makes you dull! I’d soon rather take my life with a dull razor’s edge! So never write to me again. Signed Audrina Patridge!

TLOTA: You two STILL need proof, allow me! (James opens the letter as the instrumental music from the Bad Horse Chorus is played and the Bad Horse Trio pop up.)

Bad Horse Trio: Hello there James Faraci, please get this through your head. I’d never go out with you if I were brain dead! I’m getting married next year just so you know! Now go away, leave me alone, eat shit and die...

Blackie of The Bad Horse Trio (Played by Eric Kurtzke): BURN IN HELL!

Bad Horse Trio: Signed Christy Romano.

TLOTA: And then there is near billion rejections from women I asked online!

James’ dad: Don’t you know…

TLOTA: YES, DAD I KNOW. Now if you’ll excuse me. I’m going to try to get some sleep in peace and quiet, in the camper! (Cut to James walking to the Camper as James he tries to not to get bug bit and as he opens the door and turns on the light.)

TLOTA: What the hell are you three doing here? (The Camera spins to see Christy Romano, Julia Stiles and Audrina Partridge with a confused look on their faces before cutting to the outside of the camper as noises emanate from inside ending with James screaming “MY LOINS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUND OF WHOOPIE!” and the echo is so loud it cuts to Chris Lee Moore in his apartment hearing a faint echo of James shouting ringing in his ears.)

TLOTA: Wow, something good happen must have had to James, wish something good would happen to me. This Kim Possible episode is just being a pain in the neck. Maybe I should take a break. (Chris turns on his TV)

T.V. (Audio by James Faraci): And in national news The Internet Personality known as “The Last Of The Americans” has been declared an enemy of the state. (Cut to the TV Screen as President Obama denounces James Faraci The Last Of The Americans as an enemy of the state before cutting to James dressed as a news anchorman with a fake cheesy looking mustache)

News Anchorman: As of this moment, James Faraci The Last Of The Americans has yet to comment. (Cut to Rowdy looking at the TV)

Rowdy: There is no way President Obama would do something against us, that’d be stupid. (Cut to the TV News anchorman)

News Anchorman: Are you serious? Look up on Youtube when he said to a bunch of farmers “You didn’t do this”. It actually happened! (The News Anchorman shuts off Rowdy’s TV.)

Rowdy: Huh, that was odd. WAIT A SECOND! James is in trouble! LET’S RIDE! (Cut to Rowdy running to his ride as “The Naked Gun Theme” plays in the background and the scene cuts to a rear projected car and Rowdy is behind the wheel passing famous moments in driving pop culture even driving alongside the General Lee from the Dukes Of Hazzard until Rowdy winds up James’ home.)

Rowdy: How does he get through that? (John Ross Santos comes riding in on a motorcycle with a strange device on the backside and stops a half an inch away from Rowdy.)

Rowdy: Watch where you’re going!

John Ross Santos: Sorry, it’s just something James needed me to finish this in time for him to review the latest anniversary Where is he and who are you?

Rowdy: I don’t know where he is right now and I’m Chris Lee Moore from the Dallas/Fort Worth/Arlington area of Texas but you can call me Rowdy.

John Ross Santos: John Ross Santos, James’ friend since High School…

TLOTA (Audio only): And one of those one of a kind people I will ever know or meet in my lifetime! (Cut to James jumping out of the trailer wearing a pair of Boxer Briefs.)

TLOTA: Rowdy! John! How are things in your neck of the woods?

(Cut to John & Rowdy)

Rowdy: DUDE! Put pants on, For the love of Peat moss! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Be right back! (James steps into the camper and five seconds later James is fully dressed)

TLOTA: Better?

(Cut to John & Rowdy)

John: Better. Oh by the way, it’s ready. Here’s the activation card for it. Took me a while, I had to reverse engineer some of the hardware in order to get it working. Check it out, it’s on the back of my bike. (James places the card into the slot and presses the button to turn the device on.)

TLOTA: ORAC, are you ready to go?

ORAC: I am ready and I have been apprised with the current information. However, you have some work to do before you start on the review.

TLOTA: He’s right, let’s get to it. (Cut to a montage of James, Rowdy & John working out and eating breakfast and getting things ready to do the review while “I am The Doctor” plays in the background.)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and The views that myself, Rowdy and John will express are that of our own and some of yours. Well, After the joke that was “Kickassia” and the more improved “Suburban Knights” where can they go from there? How about the best piece of entertainment they’ve done with “To Boldly Flee”! (Cut to the opening credit of “To Boldly Flee” as James & does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And while I liked it, I was left wondering what would happen after the ending and don’t get me wrong the acting was solid, the story was great, everything was great but by the end I was conflicted how to feel but I’ll get how I feel about the ending when I get there as I take this on part by part. (Cut to James, Rowdy & John)

TLOTA: And since the two of you are here, how about helping me out?

John Santos: Do you even need to ask?

Rowdy: Count me in!

TLOTA: This is “To Boldly Flee” (Cut to the movie as James, Rowdy & John do voiceovers)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So as part one begins we’re reminded that Ma-Ti died ala Spock in “Wrath Of Khan” however as Ma-Ti’s oatmeal can is launched by Handsome Tom we see throwing it out as far out into Jupiter it has an unusual side effect! (An explosion in space happens). After our opening credits, we see Paw listening in on a radio signal with an ominous pulse. Meanwhile The Critic a year after Ma-Ti’s death is STILL not over it. So much so he actually talks to Film Brain about it and the two have a very honest conversation about what else they could’ve done.

Film Brain: HOW? You dumped his ashes into an oatmeal can and then launched him into space!

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah that was a weird request in his will

Film Brain: Which You wrote

Nostalgia Critic: He would’ve wanted it that way

Film Brain: After his death

Nostalgia Critic: As I had to

Film Brain: In his blood?

Nostalgia Critic: Well if you had a pen…

Rowdy (Voiceover): Eventually Film Brain tells the Nostalgia Critic to let go of Ma-Ti. But he has more to deal with as Our Government places him under house arrest. Apparently Turl wants to bring The Nostalgia Critic to justice. However, our Government has plans on a bill called SUCKA which will put Internet Reviewers out of business and the guy behind it named Prick is trying to make it so that Audiences will watch anything in the theaters because he believes audiences are stupid. Case in point All of Michael Bay’s Transformers movies and Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull!

John Santos (Voiceover): In the meanwhile, Paw contacts C.R., Angry Joe & That Sci-Fi Guy to show his research to them. Joe discovers that the source of the signal came from Jupiter… and it’s getting bigger! Meanwhile The Nostalgia Critic discovers that Spoony has become possessed with the spirit of Ma-Ti and has two doctors James met at a con check him out. Meanwhile Mechakara has left Linkara beaten and in a closet as Mechakara shows he has The Gauntlet Malachite’s hand. As Turl is contacted by his superior known as The Executor who tells Turl to keep something called “The Hole” out of the public knowledge and capture Spoony, he’s also contacted Prick and come to a mutual arrangement.

TLOTA (Voiceover): But soon the Nostalgia Critic is met by The Last Angry Geek to talk about the current situation with Ma-Ti, Spoony and something called The Plot! Meanwhile as C.R., Angry Joe, Paw & That Sci-Fi Guy talk about how Paw’s discovery may be linked with Spoony, That Sci-Fi Guy… (Show Sci-Fi Guy’s house blowing up) is reduced to sub atomic particles from a laser in space! After watching footage showing that Ma-Ti and Spoony and how it might connect Last Angry Geek goes out to find out what is going on. But back at with Dr. Block & Tease as they try to find out what’s going on in Spoony’s cranium the two invite the Cinema Snob, Sage and Luke Mochrie to discover what is going on. Back with the Critic, Nostalgia Chick comes by for a crossover and then calls Todd In The Shadows then prank calls Lupa. But in the midst of all that a scene similar to a key point to “Flight Of The Navigator” part one ends with The Critic’s computer going kaboom and the two Doctor’s Computers getting fried on a lesser scale. Part two begins with Prick finding out through his assistant about what’s in Spoony’s head and in the midst of all of that Spoony unleashes a boatload of inconsistencies everywhere after the device used to keep him safe is shut down and Prick taking everyone into Federal Custody. (Cut to James physically as he answers his cell phone.)

TLOTA: Uh-huh, Uh-huh. Okay, got it. Fine. Mr. Rowdy, John you two have the helm of the review for now, I’ve got to pay Dr. Tease and Dr. Block’s Bail! I swear, one mistake and I’m someone else’s indentured servant, this sucks! (James continues to grumble as he walks away and Rowdy takes James’ seat before cutting to the movie as Rowdy & John do voiceovers)

Rowdy (Voiceover): The Nostalgia Critic having had enough decides to get Pro-Active and gets everyone he can to help including Sad Panda and JesuOtaku. The Nostalgia Critic asks the others to help him fix this mistake. And as James mentioned with Dr. Block & Tease behind bars the only person they can get help from is… (Cut to Dr. Insano as he begins to talk to everyone else.)

John Santos (Voiceover): WHO THE HELL IS THAT NUTCASE OF A MAD SCIENTIST? (Cut to Rowdy & John physically)

Rowdy: That is Dr. Insano!

John Santos: Doctor Who?

Rowdy: Wrong Doctor.

John Santos: Which Doctor?

Rowdy: That Doctor!

John Santos: The Doctor?

Rowdy: Exactly Doctor Insano!

John Santos: Doctor Who?

Rowdy: John, let me do what I need to do. (Cut to the movie as Rowdy & John do voiceovers)

Rowdy (Voiceover): So yeah, apparently Doctor Insano has discovered that the source of the anomalies we saw was in fact….

Dr. Insano: A Plot Hole!

Everyone else: A Plot Hole? (Cut to Rowdy & John physically)

John Santos: Seriously? A plot hole in space is causing Ma-Ti to be merged with Spoony and everything to go into chaos! How did that happen? (Cut to the movie as Rowdy & John do voiceovers)

Rowdy (Voiceover): Well apparently the Battle between Malachite and Ma-Ti caused an anomaly to be formed into space and when Handsome Tom tossed Ma-Ti into the plot hole, well… I’m sure you can figure it out from there. With Sad Panda being a distraction everyone else loots Doctor Insano’s place for all the necessary to transform the Critic’s house into The USS Exit Strategy. Think “Explorers” combined with “Star Trek” and “Up” into one house turned Spaceship. But Prick and two government lackeys are there to stop them but 8-Bit Mickey makes short work of the goons and eviscerates Prick!

John Santos (voiceover): Not literally, right?

Rowdy (Voiceover): Well take a look at 8-Bit Mickey after he comes back after dealing with Prick. (Cut to 8-Bit Mickey covered in blood telling everyone Spoony is on Europa before cutting to Rowdy & John physically as Rowdy pulls out his Barf Bucket.)

Rowdy: Here you go!

John Santos: Thanks dude! (John tosses his cookies into the Barf Bucket before cutting to the movie as Rowdy & John do voiceovers)

Rowdy (Voiceover): As Part Two comes to a close The Exit Strategy leaves the planet, Turl discovers what happened to Prick and The Executor sends a familiar face to help. (Cut to Zod shouting KNEEL! Before cutting to James at the door to his room sighing.)

TLOTA: So what did I miss.

Rowdy: John and I doing a “Who’s on First?” Bit involving Doctor Insano.

John Santos (Audio only): Doctor Who?

Rowdy: DON’T START THAT CRAP AGAIN! The Critic turned his house into a spaceship, launched it into space and Prick got reduced to viscera by 8-Bit Mickey.

TLOTA: So in the grand scheme of things nothing important then.

Rowdy: Pretty Much. (Cut to the movie as James, Rowdy & John do voiceovers)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As part three begins JesuOtaku and C.R. discover they had the same dream about a machine. Paw decides to do a Vlog about what’s going on aboard the Exit Strategy as The Critic’s Ankle bracelet is teleported into Film Brain’s tuchus, Cinema Snob continue his training on the ways of the Critic and C.R. & JesuOtaku building the machine they saw in their dream. In a freak mishap JesuOtaku becomes Ed from Cowboy Bebop and fixes C.R.’s goggles to see everything even seeing 8 Bit Mickey watching “My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic”

Rowdy (Voiceover): So 8 Bit Mickey will slaughter you with farming implements and is an 8 Bit Brony! That makes sense. Meanwhile Zod transforms Turl’s ship into a McMansion and then we get a moment in which we see some great character interactions between Todd, Lupa and Nostalgia Chick as well as from Luke and Cinema Snob. (Cut to Luke and Cinema Snob’s conversation)

John Santos (Voiceover): Now that is some deep thoughts in something I never thought would be in something like this, so I guess this is something smart from something this insane. Meanwhile The Nostalgia Chick discovers that Mechakara is amongst them and is… taken care of by Mechakara’s drill. Where it came from I don’t want to know but the look on Film Brain’s face is priceless as he makes it sound like Mechakara and The Nostalgia Chick were making Space Whoopee! Meanwhile the Nostalgia Critic wants everyone to know what the plan is.

8-Bit Mickey: Get to Europa, Save Spoony, See What’s up the Hole then have a sexy dance party! (Cut to James, Rowdy & John physically.)

TLOTA: Why wait? ORAC! (James puts on a Fez) HIT IT! (The sexy dance party music from “Family Guy” is heard as James, Rowdy & John dance in a circle with several scantily clad ladies before cutting to the movie as James, Rowdy & John do voiceovers)

TLOTA (Voiceover): After that Mechakara and The Nostalgia Chick now calling herself 7 of 11 arrive but Lupa thinks something isn’t Kosher between the two while everyone thinks the two did the intergalactic in bed tango! Meanwhile The Critic’s Ship and Turl & Zod’s ship both reach Europa as life signs are detected and an away team of Phelous, Sad Panda now dressed as The 11th Doctor and Sage making it down to find Spoony and tell him Ma-Ti is inside him and a whole lot of Zod & Turl’s forces meeting them. Meanwhile Zod & Turl’s ship comes into range of The Critic’s ship… (Cut to a clip of Kerr Avon from Blake’s 7 saying “Unless they’re planning to throw nuts at one another I don’t see much of a fight developing before it gets light.” before cutting back to the movie) and Part three comes to an end.

Rowdy (Voiceover): Part four begins with Mechakara continues his sabotage of the Exit Strategy and The Critic being fooled into shutting down their defenses and Zod & Turl go onto the attack and orders for the Critic to surrender as for those stuck on Europa…Well let’s just say it was a bad Idea for Phelous to wear a red shirt! (Cut to Phelous being slaughtered like no one’s business.)

John Santos (Voiceover): But for every downside, it appears that for the one dead down on Europa he regenerates back on the Exit Strategy but thankfully The Critic teleports Angry Joe over to kill the Tactical Weapons officer and sends Turl and Zod into panic mode.

TLOTA (Voiceover): Not soon after, the Critic dresses Dreddfully and makes quick work of those holding Spoony, Sad Panda and Sage the three are teleported back to the Exit Strategy and OH SNAP! (Cut to James, Rowdy and John)


Rowdy & John (In unison): PREPARING TO HIT THE DIRT!



John Santos: AND COVERING! (Cut to the bullets flying before cutting to James’ mom looking out from her room before a near hit from a bullet sends her back into her room, James’ dad holding copies of “Heil Honey I’m Home” before a stray shot obliterates the discs and he runs to grab a gun and Rowdy trying to make a mad dash for the front door before being caught between bullet fire like in an Arcade Shooting Range where the character walks side to side either getting hit before Rowdy shouts “SCREW IT!” before taking a flying leap back into James’ room before cutting back to the movie as James & Rowdy do voiceovers)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So after that barrage of bullets and teleportational mishaps. Cinema Snob is captured and Part four comes to an end with The Nostalgia Critic being used to cushion Spoony’s fall! Part five begins with Luke lamenting the loss of Cinema Snob and the Cinema Snob being held captive by a lobbyist who happens to be The Executor in disguise.

Rowdy (Voiceover): UGH! Seeing that writer chained up like that is giving me a case of PTSD! While The Executor is slowly trying to seduce Cinema Snob to his side, The Nostalgia Critic is with Film Brain a very deep and thought provoking questions about what is going on? (Cut to the clip of The Nostalgia Critic wondering and pondering about the Plot Hole and making a decision.) And to be honest, the questions he’s asking could be interpreted in a different way as to what is my life amounting to or what is my future and it lasts long enough to make a point. Meanwhile Lupa tries to convince Todd to keep an eye on The Nostalgia Chick and Linkara which leads to a funny joke about being in a relationship Todd gets assimilated into Turl’s plan. Soon after that The Nostalgia Critic and everyone else discover what C.R. & JesuOtaku built, A Dream Amplifier which will allow someone to enter into someone’s mind and who do they get for the job? Film Brain of Course! After a brief trip into Spoony’s perception of everyone Film Brain enters Spoony’s Superego where we see… (Show clip of Spoony in the thong from “Dune”) SWEET BUTTERY JESUS! ARGH! (Cut to everyone trying to avert their eyes and screaming in disgust and James throwing the Evil eye towards that scene!)


ORAC (Audio only): I have already labeled that as Nightmare Rocket Fuel! (Cut to the movie as James & Rowdy do voiceovers)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So as you try to get past that moment Lupa goes to JewWario to help her discover who is behind Mechakara’s plan. Meanwhile The Executor continues his seduction of the Cinema Snob. But enough about that, Linkara tries to escape his predicament & get to the others. Meanwhile Film Brain comes upon Spoony’s Subconscious where Ma-Ti’s Character resides ending Part five. Part six begins as The Last Angry Geek confronts The Executor but the Cinema Snob intervenes leaving The Last Angry Geek vulnerable for an attack which leaves The Last Angry Geek… (Show The Last Angry Geek exploding.) a puddle of blood on the floor. Finally convincing The Cinema Snob to join his side. Meanwhile Film Brain discovers Ma-Ti and The Plot Hole are one and time is not on their side. Ma-Ti tells Film Brain of Cinema Snob’s betrayal and The Executor’s plans.

Rowdy (Voiceover): And just to add to the totally fracked levels Mechakara dropped the oxygen levels and has begun his attack. With Lupa and JewWario still able to stand and defend the ship. JewWario gets the oxygen levels back up and Lupa goes into Cynthia Rothrock mode while JewWario goes into Topless Takei mode!  While trying to convince Todd to wake up Lupa as she relents to going out on a date with Todd and shows his face to the two of them resulting in (Show clip of Nostalgia Chick Screaming waking up the crew, making some of Mechakara’s human flesh come off before cutting to James, Rowdy & John physically as the scream shatters James & Rowdy’s glasses and all three of their eardrums.)

John Santos: Well, I guess we didn’t need them anyway.

TLOTA: What?

John Santos: What?

Rowdy: What? (James walks away as Rowdy and John say What multiple times before coming back with two plungers and Pops Rowdy & John’s hearing into place before doing his own.)

TLOTA: That’s better. (Cut to the movie as James, Rowdy & John do voiceovers)

TLOTA (Voiceover): With The Nostalgia Critic and everyone revived from nearly dying from Lack of Oxygen thought technically their lives are saved because they were hopped up on Painkillers Lupa tells the others that Mechakara was on board to sabotage their plans but before he can attack, Todd tells the reason he’s a part of this is for the secret of Malachite’s Hand which…. Well let me say he doesn’t have it. The secret that is. But Turl accidentally spills he knows Jack & Squat about it. Pissed off Mechakara escapes being captured and they quickly remember Film Brain is still inside the Dream device. Once he’s awake he tells what Ma-Ti told them ending Part Six. Part Seven begins with the spirit of The Last Angry Geek contacting Luke to find what he calls the High Brow Reviewer to teach Luke in the ways of The Plot, He finds the High Brow reviewer in Oancitizen who gives Luke a shot of Alex Proyasac to help him understand the plot which leads to... possibly one of the best speeches on the Art of Movies and The Plot (Cut to the Speech by Oancitizen)

Rowdy (Voiceover): Meanwhile The Executor decides that with The Critic and everyone on the Exit Strategy on the Run that it’s party time. But the fact is that they’ve been preparing an attack with Nostalgia Chick and Oancitizen being the Distraction while Joe and Marzgurl go on the attack on the ship and Phelous leading the attack from the Exit Strategy.

John Santos (Voiceover): What about the Nostalgia Critic?

TLOTA (Voiceover): Well, after much deep thought as the others are putting towards stopping The Executor, The Critic made a decision he’s leaving. He can’t put everyone else in danger and he can’t stick around, he’s going to confront what’s in the Plot Hole, not even Film Brain’s pleas won’t stop him from doing what he needs to do. Meanwhile Luke has decided to take on the Cinema Snob & The Executor himself and Telling Film Brain that he’s the only hope for them should Luke & The Critic fail. Meanwhile Nostalgia Chick & Oancitizen teleport onto Zod’s ship as Ursa & Non while Joe & Marzgurl attack and try to sabotage the fleet all while… (Distraction Song plays as it cuts to James, Rowdy & John)

Rowdy: Well, I will give it this, The Nostalgia Chick does have a good singing voice and she does a good job. What do you think? (James has a demented look in his eye.)

John Santos: UH-OH!

Rowdy: What is it?

John Santos: Last time James had that look in his eye, Bambi’s sacrifice became Venison Parmesan! (Rowdy mumbles to himself before he puts 2+2 together)

Rowdy: CLEAR THAT KEYBOARD! (Rowdy types something then Everything goes dark)

John Santos (Audio only): Dude, What the hell did you do?

Rowdy (Audio only): What are you talking about, I shut off the video!



John Santos (Audio only): WELL FIX IT YOU PUTZ!

Rowdy (Audio only): I’M ON IT! GIVE ME A MINUTE! (Cut to everything coming back and James still looking demented.)

Rowdy: That ought to fix things.

John Santos: Not everything.

Rowdy: ORAC! MUTE THE AUDIO! (The song is quickly silenced)

TLOTA: Thanks, it’s just that, I thought that song was just the misstep to make me not like this part.

Rowdy: Well, I liked it and …

TLOTA: We can see why! John You have the review, I’m going to take Rowdy to calm down and I know how. (James takes Rowdy off screen and says OH DAD! Before cutting to the movie as John does a voiceover)

John Santos (Voiceover): As the song ends thanks to Oancitizen breaking away from being Non, who isn’t supposed to talk and all. Marzgurl, Joe, Nostalgia Chick and Oancitizen are teleported out of Zod & Turl’s ship and just as their Armada attacks they blow themselves up! Meanwhile Spoony breaks through long enough to tell Film Brain that Ma-Ti has set a trap that could wipe everyone off the map all thanks to The Nostalgia Critic. And at the end of Part Seven the Battle between the Exit Strategy and the Zod & Turl McMansion is on as The Nostalgia Critic goes to Warp one into the Plot Hole. (Cut to James with Rowdy looking as if the life had been sucked out of him.)

John Santos: How long did he last?

TLOTA: One minute. A lot longer than others who had to hear my dad talk about what’s wrong with the world because it’s not how the way he wants especially when Rowdy tried to explain why 2+2=4.

Rowdy (Disturbed as all get out): I welcome death! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Our Finale begins with the Death Bomb ready to wipe the Exit Strategy out from the stars when… (The Laser shuts down)

The Executor: What the Hell?

Luke Mochrie: Oh yeah, I should’ve told you. I put Sugar into your Laser cannons. Apparently they’re great for taking out Laser banks. (The Laser cannon coughs as The Nostalgia Critic’s Waa-Waa horn plays before cutting to James, Rowdy and John as they comically shrug their shoulders and smile before cutting back to the movie as James, Rowdy and John do voiceovers)

The Executor: Snob

Snob: Yo!

The Executor: Kill him!

Snob: ‘Kay

Rowdy (Voiceover): With that the battle between Luke & The Snob is on. Meanwhile Film Brain returns to confront Ma-Ti as Ma-Ti lets Film Brain know that The Critic’s Reckoning is upon him as The Nostalgia Critic wakes up in his living room. Feeling let down he checks his E-Mail when he sees The Screenplay to “To Boldly Flee”? The Hell and then the Nostalgia Critic meets up with DOUG WALKER?! YES! In a brilliant move Doug Walker and The Nostalgia Critic meet as the two get into deep conversations about The creation of the Nostalgia Critic and everything about Character development and reality itself.

TLOTA (Voiceover): But back with The Exit Strategy taking on Zod & Turl the fight is at a standstill the exit strategy can’t break through the shield and Turl continues to butcher Shakespeare. Thankfully JesuOtaku comes up with a way to enhance a Red Shell however hitting an electrical conduit returns JesuOtaku to being herself before she became Edward from Cowboy Bebop while Luke and Snob duel it out until… (Luke stops The Snob before Luke kills Snob and tosses away his lightsaber and James shouts off screen “YEOW! SON OF A BITCH!” and Luke gives his “I’m an artist” speech.)

John Santos (Voiceover): Basically he’s saying I’m an artist not a sellout so you can take your offer and shove it! But back with the Exit Strategy as they try the modifications to the Red Shell Torpedo Mechakara arrives onto Zod & Turl’s ship and he is PISSED! Meanwhile Doug and The Critic continue their conversation that if he steps away from the story Doug created then everything falls apart because if one element leaves then everything falls apart. Meanwhile Sage discovers Film Brain having gone back to face Ma-Ti. As Film Brain tries to convince Ma-Ti that The Nostalgia Critic has changed but it falls on deaf ears before Sage comes into the mess in full Super Saiyan mode!

Rowdy (Voiceover): Soon enough The Executor decided that if Luke won’t turn then he was gonna fry! Until The Snob shakes off his corporate apathy and uses that power to take down the Executor. Back to the battle between Zod & Turl’s ship and The Exit Strategy it’s not looking good for the Exit Strategy until Linkara comes in full throttle as Comicron one gives The Exit Strategy enough time to finish the modifications and hit Zod & Turl’s ship hard enough just so it can land right on to The Executor! (Cut to the Clip of the Executor as he’s looking at the ship as it hits him as Phelous saying “Oh This is Gonna suck!” overdubs what The Executor says.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And just to really make them suffer even more Sad Panda finds the remote to the Thermal Detonator that Mechakara ate in part five and well…

Mechakara: To be…

Zod: Or not…

Turl: TO BEEEEEEEE! (Cut to the clip from Star Trek VI as Captain Sulu says “Target that explosion and Fire!” and the Excelsior fires then cutting to Captain Kirk on the Enterprise shouting “FIRE!” before cutting to see the Death Bomb go kaboom!)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Back with the Nostalgia Critic & Doug. Doug tells him what will the choice is and in a moment of brilliance decides NOT to be selfish and do the right thing to give Ma-Ti peace and acknowledges that Ma-Ti was great. However, with Ma-Ti out of the plot hole it becomes unstable! Whoops! But from out of nowhere even though he is stuck The Nerd arrives and The Critic decides the only way to contain it is to make it bigger… WAIT WHAT?! Well, it works I guess and everyone in the Exit Strategy embraces their destiny and enter The Plot hole.

The Nostalgia Critic: My God... What have I done?

Angry Video Game Nerd: What you had to do, Critic. Like you always do. Turn death... into another chance to blow shit up.

TLOTA (Voiceover): As The Critic and The Nerd finally make peace. The Nostalgia Critic embraces his fate as he merges with the plot hole. (Cut to the Nostalgia Critic punching and merging with The Plot Hole as the audio of “I Don’t Want to Miss A Thing” by Aerosmith at the 3:14.5 mark as clips of The Nostalgia Critic’s past reviews play intercut with the Nostalgia Critic merging until the song ends and The Nostalgia Critic disappears)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And here’s where I’m left in a state of conflict as to how to feel. For me’s biggest draw was in my opinion The Nostalgia Critic and now he’s gone. What will happen to everyone on the site now that the face of the site is gone. Who will be there to pick up where the Nostalgia Critic left off and take the reins of being the face of Who can fill The Nostalgia Critic’s shoes? But I guess that will be answered in time. For now, everyone has returned to Earth and it appears that Spoony also didn’t make it back until one special person arrives… (The sound of Jingling bells is heard then a flash of light arrives to signal the arrival of Santa Christ!)

Rowdy (Voiceover): That’s right, Santa Christ has arrived and brought a special gift for all of them! That’s right Spoony survived and Dr. Insano stops by to give a gigantic plot dump and get his stuff back. After all of that the rest of the team celebrate as if they survived the end of the universe. And The Spirits of the Nostalgia Critic and Last Angry Geek come to comfort Film Brain and let him know everything is gonna be okay. (Cut to the ending before cutting to James, Rowdy & John physically)

TLOTA: So that was “To Boldly Flee” and I have to admit I still remain confused on how to feel! (Cut to clips of the movie as James & Rowdy do voiceovers)

Rowdy (Voiceover): Well as far as I’m concerned personally, if this is the end for The Nostalgia Critic, he went out with a bang. This felt like everything that had happened to the Nostalgia Critic led to this moment. The Story was solid, the acting was great, the effects and battles were amazing and I really felt for all of the characters.

TLOTA (Voiceover): I wholly agree because what it boils down to even though the face of is gone, I surely hope the site that brought us him and so many others I’ve grown to like and accept as equals to the likes of well-known reviewers and journalistic characters. But if this is the swan song for the site and everyone who worked on it. Give it a watch and you will not regret it! (Alarm klaxons blare as it cuts to James, Rowdy & John physically)

TLOTA: What’s going on around here?!

ORAC: Several thousand people for the Government has surrounded the building!


TLOTA: John, hide ORAC and get me the keys to the gun locker! Rowdy, I hope you feel today is a good day to die! (Rowdy looks at the situation with an “Oh I’m a dead man” look on his face as the scene cuts to James, Rowdy & John Santos loaded with guns as they come to see Christy Romano with a gun in her hands and James’ parents aiming their guns at her.)

Christy Romano: James this doesn’t look…

TLOTA: DON’T SAY IT! Couldn’t your hatred of me suffice? Was it worth your soul to get close to me, just to kill me?

Christy Romano: You don’t understand.

TLOTA: Well tell me and maybe…

Christy Romano: I HAD NO OTHER CHOICE!


Christy Romano: James, I wanted to make it easy FOR you! (James pulls the trigger shooting her in the abdomen as she walks closer she gets shot again by James and as she is at the end of the barrel of the gun James fires a third time as she walks to James nearly dead and close to her.)

Christy Romano (Weak and dying): Damn You… James Faraci…The…Last…Of…The…A…mer…icans. (Christy falls onto James with her blood staining his shirt before three guns lock and load as James stands with emotionless disgust on his face as The Kardashians come in ready to kill the whole lot of them.)

Kourtney Kardashian: Drop

Kim Kardashian: Your Weapons

Khloe Kardashian: You’re all under arrest!

Rowdy: Now ladies, I know you three and I aren’t friends but let’s face facts, I’m just a victim of circumstance. So why don’t you three read what’s on the card and everything will be fine (James’ mom tries to pull out a weapon when The Kardashians kill her and James’ dad shouts NO! as she falls in Slow Motion to the floor. Rowdy snatches the weapon used to kill James’ mom and blows the heads right off the Kardashians before he is shot as Soldiers enter the houseand falls in slow motion before cutting to James’ dad holding his dying wife.)

James’ mom: I know our kids disappointed you by not being you and you hated the fact I have a job but I always loved you. (James’ mom dies in James’ dad’s arms. James’ dad starts shooting as Soldiers continue to come through the front door when one comes from the back and shoots him and gives a salute as he falls in slow motion before cutting to John Santos shooting everything in sight and Shouting “James” as he is shot and falls in slow motion before cutting to see James surrounded several thousand to his one as he loads another round into his 303 Lee Enfield British Rifle)

TLOTA: Well if this is it, then I’m going down the way I want to... Fighting for my freedom. I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans & That’s My Opinion. (James stands over Christy Romano’s Corpse with Emotionless disgust, pulls out his gun, takes aim, smiles a wicked grin before everything fades to black and a chorus of gunfire is heard for two minutes.)

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