Tuesday, June 2, 2015

A second anniversary that's less than "Full Throttle"


(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2014 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James getting hit with an uppercut by Trina Mason to James punching Dr. Plotsz, to Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca saying Groovy, to James and Rowdy running into the Happy Madison crowd, to James’ eyes turning white with blue streaks of lightning coming out of them, to James taking on the wicked then culminating in the moment when Lea Michele reveals herself to be a vampire and zooming into James’ screaming mouth until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James right hand comes out of the dark holding a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo Fonseca, John Santos & Eric Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca Fonseca, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and IT’S MY SECOND ANNIVERSARY! (Everyone pops out with party favors and confetti as “Ode To Joy” plays) And you know what? Someone guessed that I’d be reviewing something I’d never thought of reviewing at all because of one moment at the end of my first episode of “The Different Cuts” (Show clip of James saying “I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, That’s my Opinion and the rest of this year we’re going FULL THROTTLE!” before cutting to see everyone have calmed down.) That’s right, someone thought I was going to review this! (Cut to title card of Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle as the remix of Charlie’s Angels by Apollo 440 plays in the background and James does a voiceover over the clips of the movie)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Yeah, kind of surprising but understandable. “Charlie’s Angels Full Throttle” isn’t a good movie nor is it inferior to the first movie which in fact is a continuation of the series that ran from the 1970’s through the 1980’s and by today’s standards it is schlocky but for me the series is a fun schlock and is still seen as better than at least half of what’s on TV nowadays but this movie wasn’t in my sights but someone kept sending me e-mails saying that they thought this was going to be my second anniversary review. (Cut to everyone in James’ office.)

TLOTA: But after repeated watching of this movie I now understand especially after Remembering Shia LaBeouf is in this thing.

Paulo Fonseca: Shia LaBeouf? Aren’t his movies so bad people actually PAY to see a movie starring Pauly Shore?

TLOTA: Yep

Rebecca Fonseca: Directed by Uwe Boll?

TLOTA: The same one

Eric Kurtzke: Co-Written and co-starring Tommy Wiseau and Tommy Wiseau is the villain?

TLOTA: You bet.

John Santos: With Rob Schneider as the comedic sidekick?

TLOTA: Oh yeah.

Mike Santos: And Shailene Woodley as the romantic interest?

TLOTA: Oh god yes

Paulo Fonseca: Also co-Written by M. Night Shyamalan?

TLOTA: You are correct sir!

Rebecca Fonseca: With Steven Segal and Adam Sandler as the Henchman?

TLOTA: Oh Yeah!

Eric Kurtzke: With the soundtrack composed by Rebecca Black and Alanis Morrissette?

TLOTA: Abso-friggin’-lutely

Renee Miller: Produced by Platinum Dunes and Happy Madison?

TLOTA: And the endless sequels that follow!

Paulo Fonseca: Well we’ve known you long enough to know that were it up to you “Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull” and “The Transformers” movies would’ve been a whole lot more different.

Rebecca: Plus, We could’ve seen Shia at Burger King flipping whoppers and we could be laughing at him as the failure of an actor he is!

John Santos: Instead of seeing Christy Romano be there paying off her Collegiate debts.

TLOTA: Well it doesn’t matter she hates me, she’s married and that’s the end of it. Now let’s get to see if this movie lives up to the title it gave itself. This is “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle” (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As the movie begins in a bar in Outer Mongolia we see Alex Munday played by Lucy Liu as she tries to rescue U.S. Marshal Ray Carter played by the T-1000 himself Robert Patrick while Dylan Sanders played by Drew Barrymore and Natalie Cook played by Cameron Diaz be the distraction by having Natalie sound Swedish and ride a mechanical bull while Dylan makes homage to a better movie who’s last installment also had Shia LaBeouf in it and people still think that Temple Of Doom was MORE Mediocre than the one WITH Shia LaBeouf in it. But I digress Dylan and Alex try to make a break for it when a hawk decided to be a Stool Pidgeon! Forcing the Angels to fly out the window, take an armored vehicle with a Chopper in the trunk but between a tank and an RPG the Angels think the best solution to the situation is to fly and to be honest the fluidity of the sequence is great but not as great as some as I’ve seen. This upsets the mastermind of the operation who decides to go to Plot Convenience 619: Plan B! After the opening credits re-introduce the Angels which is totally unnecessary because their characters was introduced better in the opening credits IN THE FIRST MOVIE! But enough about that, we soon discover that Natalie and her boyfriend from the first movie and Alex & Dylan help the two move in but not before this moment (Cut to showing the Angels dancing to “U Can’t touch this” by M.C. Hammer before James takes his glasses off and rubbing his forehead and going “UGH” before cutting back to the movie and James doing his voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Thankfully the move is interrupted as business calls as they’re called in by who else?

Jason & Pete: Charlie

TLOTA (Voiceover): After being summoned to the office that had to be rebuilt after being blown sky high in the last movie we meet up with Bosley played by WAIT A MINUTE?! (Needle scratches a record.) BERNIE MAC?! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Okay look let’s get one thing straight I do not, repeat NOT have a bad thing to say about him personally or as a comedian but WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?! I know Bill Murray is vehemently against being in sequels after Ghostbusters II but it doesn’t explain why he was a part of both Garfield movies but that’s beside the point here. Bottom line how do they explain what’s going on here? (Show the moment Bill Murray’s Bosley image is shown in the movie and the work “Adopted” with a ding being heard as it cuts to James physically)

TLOTA: You know something, I watched Kickassia and the explanation they gave when Spoony reverted from being Insano is something I am willing to accept but because even though Kickassia left me with a migraine the answer of “He Got Better” made sense but you know what maybe I’m being too harsh, who knows maybe Bernie will be funny. (Cut to every clip and Bernie Mac is sadly NOT funny and the clips end with him crying “This is some Bullshit” and then cut to James)

TLOTA: You know, I should start expecting something bad whenever I want something good. (Cut to movie while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Apparently the ring Marshal Carter had was half of a unique way to keep those who are hidden in “The Witness Relocation Program” on two encoded rings. One Carter had and the other was by a brief cameo by Bruce Willis as the look on his face showed he didn’t WANT to be shot in this movie (Rim shot) when the rings are combined the names of those hidden are exposed. One victim played by Eric Bogosian was found dead and so it’s up to Bosley and the Angels to investigate and Oh good fricking grief! (Show moment when the Angels and Bosley appear as CSI Techs to “Who Are You?” by The Who as the typed words described which one they’re supposed to be before cutting to everyone in James’ office with their names as to who they are before cutting to James getting the words under him reading “Idiot” before grabbing his double barreled handgun and shoots the title and kills the music as well before cutting back to the movie as James continues his voiceover.) After being escorted in by an officer who I SWEAR TO GOD is played by Sean William Scott discover their murderer is a surfer. So it’s off to the beach where they meet with former Angel Madison Lee played by Demi Moore (Cut to a three second cameo of Chris Lee Moore alias “The Rowdy Reviewer” shouting “NO RELATION!” before continuing with the movie as James does his voiceover) Meanwhile, Alex has a fantasy as to what would happen if one or a couple of them decide to move on with their lives outside of being an Angel and to this movie’s credit it does show what it feels like to be the one who decided to stay at the same place for too long. But in the middle of the investigation Alex’s penchant in falling for the wrong guy leads them to an underground race where the Angels ride with the wrong guy Alex fell for finds his next target before he gets casted as Sam in the “Transformers” movies. That’s right this is how we’re introduced to Shia’s character Max at an underground bike race. However The Thin Man played once again by Crispin Glover AKA Marty’s Dad from the first “Back To The Future” movie saves Max’s life and in turn ruins all hope of Cinematic salvation. Congrats Crispin you must be so proud of yourself! But as they investigate the corpse they discover one photo in particular that was next on the guy’s hit list.

Natalie: Helen Zass? (Shows Alex the photo with the Name Helen Zass as it is a stock photo of Drew Barrymore’s character Dylan from the intro of the first movie as the camera pans over to Dylan and then cutting to James physically saying “WHUUAAAAT?”)

TLOTA: No seriously What on God’s green earth is going on around here? (Cut to the movie while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Why is someone who is SUPPOSED to be in Witness Relocation working as a Private Investigator? Unless you’ve gotten extensive surgery to basically be recognized by either your fingerprints or DNA check, getting a job in Law enforcement either in the public or private sector is a bad idea all around! Ugh either way, Apparently Helen or Dylan or Whoever the hell she is got recruited by Charlie at the behest of the chief of The FBI and what was the reason behind her being in Witness Relocation? She hooked up with Of Course the bad guy! (Cut to clip of Carlos Mencia as Punji going “Oh, Of Course” before cutting back clips of the movie as James continues his voiceover.) This is Seamus O’Grady played by Justin Theroux and she witnessed a bad thing Seamus did and she sent him to Maximum Security Prison. So what exactly is the Angels’ next step? Find out what The Thin Man’s motives are, protect Max at all costs, Find out who has the Rings, secure the rings, go to the Winchester, grab a pint and wait for the whole thing to blow over. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Wait I think I have “Shaun Of The Dead” on the brain. I need a break to get my head on right.

Mike Santos (Off screen): When has it ever been on right? (A loud audible THWACK is heard and Mike yells OW!)

TLOTA: Thank you!

John Santos (Off screen): No problem buddy.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return act to the review as clips of the movie play as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So while Dylan was telling them her/Helen’s backstory Seamus in a “Cape Fear” style moment is released and given her info. Meanwhile Bosley decides to paint a big ass bulls-eye on Max by sending him to Compton! All while the Angels get backstory on The Thin Man a character that doesn’t need backstory as told by Carrie Fisher. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Seriously Carrie First “Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back” and now “Charlie’s Angels Full Throttle” what’s up with you being a Nun? (Cut to clips of the movie play as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But after The Thin Man leaves a clue at the Orphanage that leads to a ship’s pier and a warehouse which just so happens to be a part of a front for the O’Gradys and the workers that work for them like to enjoy their down time. So they join The Pussycat Dolls when they were a Dance Troop and not what I call a “Few Hit Wonder” musically and to be honest, I needed a cold shower after watching that moment but not after that we got probably the lamest moment in Bernie Mac’s career. (Show clip of Bernie Mac trying to be a black Irishman before cutting to the audio of that moment being replayed as James takes off his glasses, moves the chair out of frame and proceeds to wipe clean the area of the wall behind him and bang his head on the same place he did four months ago before cutting back to the movie while James continues his voiceover) But The Angels get into the warehouse where the Rings are being stored as Seamus comes in and as he says his lines I feel like I need a translator! (Cut to every clip of Seamus speaking with mistranslated lines as James translated the lines as such “Hutt’s The Thrush Ellen”? ”Five the homely fun ears shoe nose to”?  “I hot sue hey Ellen av nether haunted to wore”? “File any tray au haunt”? “Guv mi the rinds”? “Ya can’t Burt me an knee nor Ellen”? “I’m gonna touch you and your fridge the menning of pen”? “On gun now pill ten, tusk sole Hugh can ear then screan”? “I recone eyes hat sarse any aire you pace of shine”? Before cutting back to James doing a voiceover the movie) But they lose the rings to the O’Gradys and after a fairly good action sequence The Angels regain the rings and bolt out of dodge but not before Seamus I think threatens Dylan and The Angels I can’t say definitely because his Irish brough is as thick as Potato Stew. But whatever Seamus did say to Dylan has scared her so badly she hightails out of Dodge. Meanwhile the two remaining Angels and Bosley hands the rings to Marshal Carter when Bosley inadvertently discovers Carter is in on the deal and possibly the mastermind. So they tail him and get the info “She-Spies” style as we find Dylan heading as far away from the situation as possible by going to the area of Mexico in which Tequila is made and hide there but on her way at a cafĂ© she is visited by the spirit of Kelly Garrett played once again by Jaclyn Smith who convinces her that not only to go back to the Angels but also convinced her that she was worthy of being an Angel for some reason I’ve got no reason why they threw it into her character arc in this movie outside of Drew Barrymore being a producer in this movie wanting Dylan to mean something else or something and they also added in that she figured out who the mastermind truly is. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And who can it be? Anyone care to bet?

(Cut to the lobby)

John Santos: I’m betting it’s the Marshal.

Mike Santos: I’m betting it’s Max.

Eric Kurtzke: I think if I were a betting man and using this movie’s ability to setup something with less than intelligent decisions being made I believe my choice is Madison Lee!

Paulo Fonseca: Are you serious or are you loco in La Cabeza?

Eric Kurtzke: Think of the scene where Madison and The Angels meet for the first time. (Cut to the clip Eric mentioned while doing a voiceover.)

Eric Kurtzke (Voiceover): You can tell by the color of the Bikinis, the foreshadowing dialogue in Cantonese of the two of them saying “Bring It On”. (Cut to the Lobby)

Eric Kurtzke: It is the most logical choice.

Rebecca Fonseca: Well, if I trust your judgement. I’ll side with you and so will Paulo.

Paulo Fonseca: And if he’s wrong.

Rebecca Fonseca: We’ll jump off that bridge when we get to it.

Renee Miller: Same here, I’m going with Eric’s choice! (Cut to James doing a voiceover clips of the movie)

TLOTA: And it appears as Natalie and Alex have got Marshal Carter where they want him as he’s killed by the true mastermind of this whole thing……..MADISON LEE! (Dramatic musical sting as scene cuts to John and Mike Santos groan and Renee Miller, Paulo and Rebecca Fonseca and Eric Kurtzke Celebrate in the lobby.)

Renee Miller: So what did we win? (Cut to James in his office)

TLOTA: Nothing, No money was at stake, No actual wager was made. It was just me jokingly asking and I can’t play the clip of Mark Hamill as The Joker shouting about having to explaining the joke so there was no joke being made because it’s been four months since I last used it and according to Internet Reviewers union mandate if I use the same gag more than once in six months than it’d cost me quite a bit of cash. (Everyone groans in sadness as James shouts “SHUT UP!” then goes back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So Dylan tries to sneak attack but winds up slammed into the wall. The three confront Madison who now sports twin gold plated desert eagles sends the Angels back to heaven as it were and Madison makes her way to the office. There we get some backstory as to why she is the way she is and then Charlie (Show clip of Madison destroy the speakerphone) is relieved of making more Angels. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And you know makes this moment even harder to make a joke about was the fact that this John Forsythe’s final role before he passed away. I feel bad about that. (Cut to The movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Meanwhile the Angels recover from being shot thanks to custom made bulletproof vests and piece together what Madison is up to with the data hidden in the rings. So it’s up to disguise and deception to get rid of at least 95 percent of the gangsters except for the O’Gradys who find themselves in a brawl alongside Madison Lee against the Angels, but help comes from an unlikely source (Show clip “The Thin Man” opening a can of Whoop-Ass on the O’Gradys alongside the Angels) That’s right! Crispin Glover’s “The Thin Man” is working WITH the Angels to put the O’Gradys until Seamus plays Shish-kabob with the guy. So while Natalie is duking it out with Madison, Seamus and Dylan end their past once and for all! All thanks to the letter E! Meanwhile after being constantly unfunny in this movie Bosley plays baseball with the bomb and blasts it out of the park. After shaking off Alex & Dylan Natalie and Madison have a brief battle and it looks like Madison is about to send an angel to be with Charlie until from out of nowhere Dylan and Alex double team Madison and all three angels united send Madison Lee the former Angel straight to hell! No I’m not even kidding. She fires a shot in the dark hoping to kill them after falling through the floor hitting a gas line and explodes into a fiery chasm straight to the depths of hell!

Dylan: She is SO fired!

TLOTA (Voiceover): With the rings finally secured and the bad guys dealt with, The Angels go to a movie premiere that was so poorly set-up I swear Uwe Boll wrote this set-up. (Cut to the ending in which Dylan is alone as Natalie and Pete decide to get a puppy, Alex’s dad is Okay with her being a Private Investigator and she reunites with Jason and everyone gets a happy ending. Before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: So that’s Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle. A movie that does NOT live up to its title. (Cut to clips of “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle” with the theme remixed by Apollo 440 while James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The action is finely paced, the acting is decent even I’ve got nothing bad to say about Shia’s performance this time around, but the dialogue is dull, the comedy falls flatter than a pancake, and a lot of the situations feels forced and remember when Lindsay Ellis said that the first movie made her believe that “Feminism had failed” well had she seen this one she would’ve believed that this franchise has failed and that failure is what haunted the revival series made a few years back. Yeah there was an attempt to revive the franchise again a few years ago and failed miserably and we can thank the sequel that tried to send the Angels to where they had to go “Full Throttle” but instead forced the gas right out of its engine.  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and (A Knock on the door is heard) that’s my opinion. One second. (James walks to the front door to discover WWE Superstar Sheamus is at the front door.)

Sheamus: So you had a problem with the Irish Brough now didn’t ya? Well, allow me to educate ya! (James takes a Brough Kick to the face knocking him to the floor and Sheamus proceeds to beat James into hamburger.)

John Santos (Off-Screen): Hey Fella! (Cut to John on top of the couch dressed as “The Real American Homeboy)

John Santos: Get ready to feel the fury of THE REAL AMERICAN HOMEBOY! (John takes a flying leap as Sheamus takes a step back and grab John by his Ponytail)

Sheamus: Let me tell ya something “Real American Homeboy” Do ya know what’s at the end of a Pony’s tail? YOU YA HORSE’S ASS! (Proceeds to swing John by his Ponytail and toss him into Mike Santos & Rebecca Fonseca who were about to attack Sheamus dressed as The Twelfth Doctor and Clara Oswald and Paulo Fonseca and Renee Miller dressed as the Tenth Doctor and Martha Jones. Eric Kurtzke tries the Vulcan Nerve Pinch only for Sheamus to grab Eric’s hand and dislocate his right arm. James gets back up and Sheamus has his hands on his throat only for James to croak out something.) What did ya say? Your American is as piss poor as your attempt to be funny making fun of me accent ya sack of shite.

Lea Michele (Audio Only): What my boyfriend is saying is the following! (Sheamus drops James to turn around and see Lea Michele)

Lea Michele: ORAC! Delta level defense.

ORAC (Audio only): Unfortunately Delta levels can be obtained by aiming a Sonic Screwdriver at the target in question.

Sheamus: And it’s a shame.

Lea Michele: For you, because guess what I’ve got? Answer: A Sonic Screwdriver! (Lea Michele aims her Sonic Screwdriver at Sheamus hitting him with enough electrical current to knock out a thirty ton Rhino and Lea picks James up)

TLOTA (With a harshness in his voice): Well thanks Lea, One moment. (James turns away and coughs out the harshness in his voice)

TLOTA: Sorry about that. You have a very good habit of saving my backside. (James and Lea Kiss)

Lea Michele: Comes with the territory. Oh listen a Government agent tried to force me into convincing you to shut down production but I gave him the slip.

TLOTA: Good, but what do we do with him? (Cut to a dumpster outside of James’ office)

TLOTA (Audio only): On three! One! Two! Three! (Sheamus is tossed into the dumpster before cutting to James and everyone else.)

Lea Michele: Say How about I take you guys to the Hospital?

Everyone else: Sounds good! (Lea walks and everyone else limps away from the Dumpster. Cut to the Dumpster as Sheamus sits up and phases through the Dumpster and morphs into the Government Agent played by Eric Kurtzke.)

The Government Agent: On this site’s next transmission we end “The Last Of The Americans” for good and then everyone else will fall!