The Big 3: "Kick" Nostalgia Critic's "Assia"!

(Scene begins with Eliza Dushku looking in ORAC’s Chamber trying to discover how ORAC works)

Eliza Dushku: What is going on? What are you?

TLOTA (Audio only): ORAC! (Eliza jumps back in fear as the scene cuts to James outside of ORAC’s Chamber)

TLOTA: And this card activates it. (Cut to Eliza)

Eliza Dushku: James, listen I… (Cut to James)

TLOTA: have been trying to wonder if I’m even human. (James pulls out a Manilla file case) This is every ounce of paperwork dating from April 28^th 1982 until right now. Read it if you want. It’s everything. Birth Records, Archived news reports all of it except for one thing. Where I got my start in the realm of Internet Reviewing as for the hole between what happened when I was on Myspace and now here well... (Pocket buzzes and James feels vibration and pulls out ORAC’s Activation Remote Card.) We’ll jump off that bridge when we get there and guess what ORAC found. (James places Activation Remote Card in the slot of ORAC) ORAC?

ORAC: The first three posted reviews have been recovered these three were posted slightly after the movies known as “Kickassia”, “Suburban Knights” & “To Boldly Flee” were placed onto the online communities (Cut to Eliza Dushku trips and lands in a chair)

Eliza Dushku: But How? What? James who in the blue blazes of hell are you? (Cut to James walking over to Eliza)

TLOTA: Read up if you want to know more. But in the meantime ORAC, Play the first recovered review as to who I am and in the meanwhile feel free to enjoy my first true movie review “Kickassia”! (The two fade to black as we cut to the deserts outside of the borders of Nevada and Molossia as the song “Beirut Vacation” from The Naked Gun plays in the background before the camera moves to the outside of the Government House before zooming to the door before cutting to the inside of the government house where everyone is talking indistinctly as it cuts to The Nostalgia Critic slamming his mallet and shouting order)

Nostalgia Critic: ORDER! ORDER! WE SHALL HAVE ORDER! (Cut to Benzaie & Marzgurl)

Benzaie: You know Nietzsche said “From Chaos comes Order”

Marzgurl: Blow it out your ass Benzaie! (Cut to the Nostalgia Critic)

Nostalgia Critic: My Fellow Kickassians, I would like to thank you all for your patience as we stabilize our… (Nostalgia Critic continues to pontificate as one figure fully covered walks in the background around the place and answers the door as a man covered in a cloak walks in as Linkara and Cinema Snob look at what’s going on.)

Cinema Snob: Hey Linkara, who’s the guy in the cloak?

Linkara: No clue, who’s the guy without the face.

Cinema Snob: From what I heard he was here when Baugh ran this place. (Cut to The Nostalgia Critic continuing his pontification!)

Nostalgia Critic: And it is with that in mind we take over the United States! (Cut to Paw)

Paw: And their President will just let you that? (Cut to the Nostalgia Critic turning with his back towards the camera and turns to the camera)

Nostalgia Critic: OF COURSE! (Cut to everyone looking)

Nostalgia Critic (Audio only): Who do you think financed this little invasion? Behold the true mastermind! (Cut to the man in the cloak revealing himself to be President Barack Obama)

Barack Obama: My friends, the time has come for my country to fall and you will lead the invasion and you will have backing from some of America’s enemies! (Cut to The Nostalgia Critic)

Nostalgia Critic: And we shall be victorious! TO THE DOWNFALL OF AMERICA! (Cut to Film Brain)

Film Brain: THREE CHEERS TO THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC! HIP! HIP! (Everyone else unenthusiastically audibly says “Hurray”. The audio of Film brain enthusiastically saying Hip! Hip! & everyone else unenthusiastically audibly saying “Hurray” is heard as The Nostalgia Critic and President Obama raise their hands united in victory as the fully covered figure pulls out a dagger in the background and walks towards President Obama and The Nostalgia Critic as The audio of Film brain enthusiastically saying Hip! Hip! & Everyone else is in mid unenthusiastic “Hurray” as The fully clothed figure stabs the hands of the united Nostalgia Critic and Barack Obama and as the two scream in blood curdling agony the fully covered figure knocks the two of them out and starts to run to the door as the camera cuts to Everyone else)

Phelous (In his usual sarcastic tone): Go After him? (Everyone runs to the fully cloaked figure as he stops, turns around and disrobes his outer clothing to reveal himself to be James Faraci The Last Of The Americans! As “Drebin Hero!” plays in the background James Kicks Phelous knocking him out smashing the table in the process and then proceeding to punch and kick his way through the Channel Awesome lineup as Angry Joe tries his Martial Arts James grabs him by his po-pos and his jacket and throws him onto JewWario, Handsome Tom & 8-Bit Mickey, Spoony, Cinema Snob and LordKat. Linkara tosses James over to the stove where Linkara has him pinned up against the stove and James’ right hand searches for something.)

Linkara (Audio only): I don’t know who you are but you are a fool for taking me and my friends on. Because I AM… (James grabs a Double Boiler pot and clocks Linkara on the right side then his left side of his face then on the top of his head slamming his hat onto his head to the NBC tone)

Linkara: Unconscious! (Linkara falls like a tree as audio of Film Brain Gibbering like madman as the crack of a piece of wood smacking him and rendering Film Brain unconscious as James sees the unconscious Film Brain and no one else as The Nostalgia Chick dressed as Sarah Palin comes into the fracas)

Nostalgia Chick: Hey there what’s with all the Ra… (Nostalgia Chick screams as James grabs her and slams her head into the oven door repeatedly until the 0:44 mark when The Nostalgia Critic pulls the dagger out of his and Barack Obama’s hand and tries to attack only for James to hit a Stone Cold Stunner on the Nostalgia Critic and a fireman’s carry and toss to Barack Obama as President Baugh of Molossia walks in to see everyone broken and beaten except for James who sees President Baugh of Molossia and in a fit of adrenaline fueled insanity tosses President Baugh into the oven then starts to walk away passing a barely conscious Spoony)

Spoony: Who are you? Are you crazy? (Cut to James at the front door turning towards the Camera.)

TLOTA: I’m not crazy! I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans! (Cut to everyone trying to get up only for Film Brain to take a half step before falling down then cut to James at the front door)

TLOTA: And for all of you from Thatguywiththeglasses.com, Quit overstepping your boundaries and losing scope and for everyone else Don’t Let Me Catch You in America! (James takes a half step forward onto a detonator as everyone else has a “Scared so badly they’re going to wet themselves!” look on their face. James jumps for the door as The Government house explodes “The Naked Gun Theme” plays in the background and the scene cuts to a rear projected car and James is behind the wheel passing famous moments in driving pop culture even going side to side with the DeLorean from “Back To The Future” until James winds up home stepping out of his ride and collapsing on the driveway. Scene cuts to an hour later as James is in his room!)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and The views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Let’s talk about “Internet Reviewers” (Cut to clips of different internet reviewers as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As I watch them, I realize something. They are FANS! They like the subjects they talk about if it’s good they like them, if not well… we get (Show clip of Nostalgia Critic’s “Batman & Robin” review as he goes insane over the Bat Credit Card then cut to clips of The progression of The Angry Video Game Nerd and Nostalgia Critic and those on “Thatguywiththeglasses.com” & the “ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com First Year Anniversary Brawl” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): My first Internet reviewer I actually became a fan of was James “The Angry Video Game Nerd” Rolfe. He just seemed to know what games were great and which ones were such turds and which ones should Never EVER have should’ve been made. He actually made a video about someone calling himself “The Nostalgia Critic” and he’s reviewed some movies that I’ve liked and disliked. The two feuded for a while culminating in the “Thatguywiththeglasses.com First year anniversary brawl” it was funny and introduced me to several more of the site’s talents including Linkara, Angry Joe, Paw, Marzgurl & So many others. It appeared to have ended the feud between the Nerd & the Critic for the most part. But when I heard they were going to try to top themselves for their second year, well let’s just say my interest was piqued for what they were offering. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: What we got was “Kickassia”! (Cut to the title card of Kickassia then clips of Kickassia as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Oh what the fuck were they thinking? This thing barely qualifies as a real decent movie! It barely can stay focused on what it’s trying to do and when it tries to make something of itself nothing truly happens by the end of it. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And believe it or not, I am actually going to review on a movie starring Internet Reviewers. That’s right, you are privy to my first ever ACTUAL review. Brace yourself folks, this is “Kickassia”! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So our movie starts as we’re introduced to Molossia and its president Kevin Baugh. It’s an acre of land in Nevada that through a legal loophole is technically a micro nation!  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Hmmm, where have I heard something like that before? (James grabs a remote and turns on the TV)

TV (Only Audio by James Faraci): Next on “Family Guy” Peter Griffin discovers his home and the ground around it is not in American territory the wackiness ensues as Peter declares war on his neighbors. (James shuts off the TV)

TLOTA: Seriously? (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): We soon meet our illustrious leader as he’s practicing his Tai Chi when guess who comes a knocking on his door.

Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I’m The Nostalgia Critic, online personality and all around Spectacular guy.

TLOTA (Voiceover):  That’s right, The Nostalgia Critic has come and told President Baugh he’s come to invade Molossia! But like anyone with more than five functioning brain cells does when a nutjob comes to say he’s coming for them, he closes the door right in front of The Nostalgia Critic’s face. Heading back to his place The Nostalgia Critic calls upon some familiar faces from last year’s brawl like The Nostalgia Chick who reminds me of Ellen Page for some reason & Spoony who looks like Chuck from one of my favorite cooking shows “Good Eats” for some reason, Angry Joe & Linkara along with some new faces like Cinema Snob & Film Brain while The guy who does Epic Fail, Little Miss Gamer & That Chick With The Goggles decide to sit out most of this turkey and opt instead for cameos. Anyway The Nostalgia Critic decides to fly his team to Nevada in a hotel to help invade Molossia. Marzgurl asks the obvious question why and the Critic thinks that this could be an opportunity to become Powerful leaders and eventually be big conquerors but seriously am I the only one who thinks this whole idea is… Well…. Stupid? I mean They review movies, comics, TV, Sports, Music and Pop Culture. Shouldn’t they be coming together to find some common interest and tear that apart instead of trying to I don’t know try to Rule the World? (Cut to the clip about Nazis before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: Seriously?! You’re making jokes about Nazis?! I guess it makes sense to make jokes about to them seeing as how interchangeable with Republicans RIGHT?! Because it’s not that hard to confuse the two different groups now isn’t it! (Cut to the movie as James sighs then continues his voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): At any rate The Nostalgia Critic and his associates go on the attack when they make a tactical error. That error being, The President is packing and will turn them into compost as they die in misery and agony! (Cut to the clip of The Nostalgia Critic screaming in fear as the audio of King Arthur and his knights shout Run Away from the killer rabbit from “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” is dubbed in before cutting to the room in the hotel.)

Phelous: Well THAT didn’t work. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Show of hands who saw that the Critic’s plan wouldn’t work. (Cut to the clip of from “Spaceballs” as the crew of “Spaceball One” all raise their hands and shout “YO!” before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Eventually everyone kinda gains some intelligence and decide that this is kind of stupid but the Nostalgia Critic has a silver tongue and convince everyone to stay and takes Phelous’ idea to have everyone get weapons themselves and in a montage they get themselves ready to try again the next day. That night the Critic and Spoony have themselves a chat. What they talk about is unleashing Dr. Insano. I personally think it’s as smart as giving Shia LaBeouf an acting career but what the hell do I know! So the next day arrives and WAIT A MINUTE! (Cut to James physically as he takes off his glasses, looks at his right hand and counts to five multiple times)

TLOTA: M. BISON?! ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME?! Okay, do you know what three things the Nostalgia Critic are most famous for now? First off having a feud with The Angry Video Game Nerd, Second, creating the M. Bison “OF COURSE” meme because of the 1994 Street Fighter movie which was a stinker that had Raul Julia play the character of M. Bison! And finally, The overreaction to the Bat Credit Card from “Batman & Robin”. Guess which one he’s mocking? And if you guessed The Bat Credit Card then do humanity a favor and stop breathing so the smart people can actually live longer! Fucking Cockstains. (Cut to the movie as The Nostalgia Critic gives his “Kickassia” speech then James continues his voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And They May Take our lives but they’ll never take our hammy acting! So they go on the attack as President Baugh uses an App to blow explosives and give hammy lines to good performers (Cut to Linkara crying over Marzgurl and Marzgurl eventually muffled shouting “You’re an idiot!” before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: A line most uttered by the cast & crew toward the director while they were working on this waste of time. (Cut to them trying to get over the fence as Angry Joe shouts “IT’S NO USE! THE BULLETS ARE GOING THROUGH THE HOLES!” and then they try a ladder then a footstool before cutting to see JewWario out of his “Battle Armor”)

TLOTA (Voiceover): WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE! (Footage stops as a record needle scratches and cuts to James physically)

TLOTA: WHERE IN THE WIDE WORLD OF FUCKING SPORTS DID “JEWWARIO’S” BATTLE ARMOR GO?! WAS THE CLIMB OVER THE FENCE ON THAT FUCKING STUPID FOOTSTOOL SO FUCKING HARD THAT HE HAD TO TAKE IT OFF?! Well, I guess it was a long run from the desert Nevada Border to Molossia, OH WAIT THEY WERE A FEW MINUTES AWAY! God I can’t stand these Assfucking Idiots! (Cut to the President sword whipping some of the Thatguywiththeglasses.com people as Phelous hides behind the shed then disappears in the next shot.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): WAIT ANOTHER MINUTE?! (The Footage stops at the moment where The Nostalgia Critic and President Baugh are face to face as a record needle scratches and cuts to James physically)

TLOTA: WHY WAS FUCKING PHELOUS IN ONE SHOT WHERE HIS FRIENDS ARE GETTING SWORD WHIPPED AND IN THE NEXT SHOT HE DISAPPEARED?! One Second. (James grabs his cellphone and dials a number as the voice on the other end of the line says “Hello, this is the Continuity of the movie “Kickassia” I’m not here at all, please leave a message at the sound of the tone.” And a beep is heard.)HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!(Cut to James sighing audibly as the footage cuts to the President coming across Lee from “Still Gaming” and James does a voiceover the movie)

TLOTA (Voiceover): At any Rate as this shit storm is going on Lee from “Still Gaming” comes across the flash jumping President and the guy who is a moving still frame becomes fully dimensional in the fact he’s not a still frame photo just standing in place and not by any mean of his acting and serves up a heaping helping of Double Knuckle Sandwiches washed down with a case of Whoop-Ass as the President runs to the Government House with everyone else after he had gotten safely back in and costume change he declares them the new rulers of the acre of land and rename it “Kickassia” (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I’ve got a bad feeling that this will not fucking end well. (Cut to the movie as James sighs then continues his voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And in a bit that reminded me of Newsreels of yore. (Cut to the “We’re going to need more hemp” moment from “Yor Hunter From The Future” before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: NOT THAT YOR! (Cut to The movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA: We discover what everyone has been up to, though all it amounts to is twenty minutes of filler and… (Show clip of The Nostalgia Chick acting like Tina Fey’s Sarah Palin before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: You’re Fucking Shitting me, Right?! (Cut to the clip The Nostalgia Chick’s Tina Fey’s Sarah Palin ending before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: One moment! (James gets up and the camera cuts to James walking to the basement door and the camera stays on the door as the audio of James walking down the stairs is heard before the sound of Crashing and Banging are heard as James shouts out “GOD DAMN YOU!” then more crashing and banging is heard as he yells “ASSHOLES! YOU SON OF BITCHES!” then MORE crashing and banging is heard before James shouts out the loudest “GOD DAMN!” in his life as the crashing and banging stops with the sound of a Hubcap spinning then the sound of James walking up the steps opening the door then walking out before cutting to James sitting back in his room.)

TLOTA: Okay, I get the fact that Sarah Palin is a punchline but guess what she isn’t helping my existence very much. (Cut to images other well-known Republicans and other figures James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): For those wondering, YES! I am a Conservative Republican and as of the past few decades we’ve been rather looked upon UNFAIRLY by the mainstream news media as either too stupid, too out of touch with people or people who follow a funny looking X and a guy with a silly moustache who even Conservative Republicans think everything that comes out of his mouth is no different than an anal evacuation or what he wrote is good toilet paper! (Cut to The Movie as James continues his voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So yeah, seeing this impression of Sarah Palin gets me so angry I could punch a supporter to anyone who opposes my thoughts, including someone who was in this insult to movies! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But if you really want to go over the top with her, why not add on to her crazy by making her sound like the Love Child of the Ultimate Warrior & Gary Busey! (Cut to the clip of Chris Larios of Transmission Awesome asking the Nostalgia Critic about his goals which eventually leads to the moment in which The Nostalgia Critic eventually replies “Of Course!” before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Show of Hands who saw that coming. (Hands raise up around the screen.)

TLOTA (Audio only): Hey you there in Pierre, South Dakota put your fucking hand down, you fucking LIAR! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): After that pointless bit of filler in this pointless filler we soon discover that the President who is still in disguise slowly but surely gets to everyone and the capper is when Linkara mysteriously discovers a receipt for 20 tons of Dynamite signed by…

Linkara: The Nostalgia Critic! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Well of course the Critic would sign and purchase all that especially for an acre of… DYNAMITE?! (Cut to clips of people and characters shouting “DYNAMITE!” with the denouement being a clip of Robert Wuhl in his “Assume The Position” special shouting “Dynamite!” Rasputin in the Animaniacs episode shouting “DYNAMITE?!”, Bon Scott singing the word “Dynamite!” & Jimmie “J.J.” Walker saying “DY-NO-MIIITE!” before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As everyone else save for the Critic and Nostalgia Chick retreat to the Hotel Room to wonder what to do next. Fortunately, The Cinema Snob decided to use his brain cells and go and confront the Critic with his usual wit, charm & subtlety (Cut to the clip of the Cinema Snob saying “Everybody thinks you’re nuts” before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: I never said his wit, charm and subtlety was any good especially since he reviews z-grade movies & z-grade pornos! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But eventually he gets to the Dynamite and here is where the vail of the Critic drops! (Cut to the Nostalgia Critic talking about His goals and Nasty Wasties before cutting to James walking away with a scared shitless look on his face before cutting to the kitchen to the main phone line)

TLOTA: Uh yes, my name is James and I need to send a squad to a place called Molossia and I need you to get the strongest tranquilizers and the most impossible to escape padded cell you can make. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Realizing how far around the bend The Nostalgia Critic has gone carrying a few Deca-tons of BAT SHIT CRAZY everyone decides the time has come to act and act fast. (Cut to Bennett The Sage in excited utterance “I Say we castrate him with a fork, tie him to a cactus and play Piñata with his entrails!” Before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: I need to remake a call and see if they can fit Bennett with the Nostalgia Critic. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Eventually Cinema Snob comes up with a plan and loyal lackey to The Nostalgia Critic named Film Brain overhears them and relays what they said to The Nostalgia Critic. The Critic Tasks Film Brain to bring the Cinema Snob for a trial. It’s not so much a trial just The Critic banishing The Cinema Snob however if I were in there I’d be nudging everyone to attack. I mean he’s not holding the detonator, they outnumber him a dozen to one, there’s nothing stopping you! You can overpower him! COMMON FUCKING SENSE PEOPLE! UGH! That night Ma-Ti visits the Critic and tries to force him to listen to reason. But remember this is the Nostalgia Critic, the guy who made the movie “Twister” fun for me to watch but thought making fun of Arnold Schwarzenegger would be a smart move. But elsewhere the rest of our group decide to unleash Dr. Insano, which had been subtly suggested that Spoony should unleash. But again I think this lacks Common sense plus Insano is INSANE! Oh well Insano is set onto the Critic and the two brawl it out and while it is well choreographed to me and a rare comedic highlight in this pile of shit to me it lacks sense, if you wanted to stop the Critic, Why Insano? If they were worried that he would detonate the dynamite bringing in someone like Insano would be a bad idea! He’d probably try to take over after defeating the Critic and Insano would eventually try to rework what they wanted, which comes to fruition but the Critic and Insano use electric science boogaloo in which ends with Dr. Insano losing and having a gun pointed at his forehead. Linkara and Benzaie try to reason with him as Insano calls forth Santa Christ who I hope does something Rational! (The Nostalgia Critic kills Santa Christ before cutting to James looking in shock at what just transpired.)

TLOTA: YOU JUST KILLED SANTA CHRIST! (Cut to the movie as they try to resurrect Santa Christ with the “I believe in Santa Christ” chant from Cameos of lesser known Thatguywiththeglasses.com personalities before the Critic says “That did nothing, Toss him!” then cutting to a dumpster being closed! Before cutting to James.)

TLOTA: AND YOU DIDN’T DO A GOD DAMNED FUCKING THING TO DO SOMETHING SMART TO SAVE HIM?! (James smashes his fists onto the table and shouts “FUCK YOU!” demonically as it cuts to stock footage of Nuclear explosions before cutting to James sitting in his chair exhausted before looking out the window then cutting to see the devastation before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Sorry. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So after Insano fails as I kind of knew the dumbass would they turn to the only person left to mount an attack, Linkara. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: AGAIN, OPPORTUNITIES TO STOP THE CRITIC WHEN HE DIDN’T HAVE THE DETONATOR AND YOU FUCKING BLEW IT! At this point I hope something a little funny happens. Even if it’s simple as someone tossing a banana peel to the Critic and him falling comically. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And even though there are maps on Molossia, Linkara uses a board from the game “Risk” just to bring in James Rolfe as Board James. Let’s all hope he doesn’t turn out to be a complete Psychopath! But any way I guess killing Santa Christ was all the necessary push for Film Brain to turn on the Critic because now he wants the Critic’s head on his Mantelpiece! But the plan is in place and three days later the team FINALLY ATTACK AND CORNER THE CRITIC! ABOUT GOD DAMNED MOTHER FUCKING COCK SUCKING TIME! Even the Cinema Snob returns to help drop The Nostalgia Critic like a bad habit!

Cinema Snob: I thought you were Insano?

Spoony: Eh, I got better. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: AT THIS FUCKING POINT, I DON’T CARE THEY COULD SAY A TAP DANCING ELEPHANT BUTTFUCKED SPOONY BACK TO NORMAL! LET’S GET THIS SHIT OVER WITH! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): After beating the Critic to a pile of Hamburger, everyone fights over the fucking running the micro nation when THANK GOD Santa Christ tells them to give the land back to Baugh. But the Nostalgia Critic still has the Detonator to the Dynamite but it doesn’t work because the Snob disconnected the trigger and after a second beating The Critic tells Baugh the land is all his again and did anything important happen at all in the hour and half wasted?

Nostalgia Critic: NO!

TLOTA (Voiceover): And just like that everyone walks away disappointed. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Just like people who watched this…this… GOD MOTHERFUCKING DAMN PIECE OF SHIT SUCKING SCUMCOCK! (Cut to clips of Kickassia as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And what’s worse is that they could do better than this shit! The plot what little of it is a halfcocked bad impersonation of a Family Guy Episode. The Common sense got flushed down a shitter 10 seconds in. Maybe after a few more views I might enjoy this pile of cock cum but for now this special is not worth the fucking dynamite to send it to hell!  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And hope for the love of fucking god that next year they do something intelligent. If not, my battle at the beginning will be a fun day at the park. I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That’s my opinion! (James walks away frustrated as scene fades to black)

Doctor Who vs The Day After

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then cutting to The Last Of The Americans)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. May 29th, my blood brother and best friend reviewed "The Day After" (Cut to the opening credit of "The Day After" before cutting to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And when I looked as he was talking about how this is gonna happen, I was left with mixed emotions. Leaning more towards sadness and deep thought. But the best deep thought I had was one that stayed with me was the lingering thought wondering if The Day After is Avoidable. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And believe it or not for a long time I truly thought we were all screwed and that yes we were all doomed! That is until I remembered someone who had been in a situation not that different. But not just in a greater scale. (Cut to current Doctor Who opening credits before cutting to clips of the Classic and Current Doctor Who series as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Throughout the majority of the Cold War The Doctor throughout his classic regenerations was there to show us not only that lives outside of our own kind mattered but we mattered to the lives outside of our own and when he came back 16 years after the cancellation with Russell T. Davis and Julie Gardner acting as head writers and showrunner until Steven Moffatt took those titles the Doctor became a veteran from something called "The Time War" in which The Daleks and The Gallifreyans and the Time Lords were at war and by the end of the Time War it appeared the only end was to destroy Gallifrey and it appeared The Doctor was the one who pressed the Button that was until it was revealed in The Day Of The Doctor that The Doctor did NOT press the button. Why? Because he realized there was another way! And it was with that in mind that the writers of the most recent season two part episode The Zygon Invasion and The Zygon Inversion decided to go further into what happened afterwards because sometimes the smallest problem can cause the biggest fight in the history of humanity & Zygella played by Jenna Coleman was that small problem that wanted to set it off wipe every human off the face of the map believing after that The Zygons would rule as they were meant to but in order to do that, they had to become the dominant force and to do so they had to wipe the humans off the face of the earth. It wasn't until The Doctor gave this speech that reminded me that you may think you are the big man  because you can pull the trigger. But the better one knows it's best NOT to pull the trigger! (Cut to The 12th Doctor's Anti-War Speech from The Zygon Inversion before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: Show the clip again! (Cut to The 12th Doctor's Anti-War Speech from The Zygon Inversion again before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA:  ONE MORE TIME! (Cut to The 12th Doctor's Anti-War Speech from The Zygon Inversion before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: And in that moment I knew what had happened. (Cut to clips from "The Zygon Invasion" & "The Zygon Inversion" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I saw in that moment Peter Capaldi getting what The Doctor was going through and what the Doctor went through and got the character and Peter became The Doctor and lived throughout what The Doctor did and when that happened I understood why the better one knows why it is best NOT to pull the trigger and why in that moment we CAN do better. We CAN work towards peace. (Cut to still images of recent terror attacks, clips of Doctor Who & The Day After as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA(Voiceover): And right now we're in need of peace with all the terrors we need not only a reminder of what could happen if we don't learn from the past and what we might be with The Day After but we also need a reminder that "The Day After" IS avoidable all we need is a Doctor to remind us that we can do better and come to a peace through trust & understanding and not through mutually assured destruction and fear. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And to Whomever is the President come this November, PLEASE I beg of you as you make good on your promises, PLEASE work on bringing us towards peace. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and I hope what I say is Everyone's shared opinion! (James sighs and walks away)

The Top Ten Good Things that came from Michael Bay's "Transformers" Movies

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2015 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James landing on Linkara, to James getting his nards smashed, To Josie & The Pussycats running into James’ office, to James and Paulo dressed as the Mario Brothers on a snow sled, to Everyone at team TLOTA running out of James’ office, to James leading the charge against the Cullens and the vampires of The Twilight Saga, to Rowdy turning his head to Paulo with a demented smile on his face as everyone save for James looks scared as James has his right hand with defeat on his face until the 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver towards the Power Rangers then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo Fonseca, John Santos, Eliza Dushku & Eric Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Traci Hines, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James on the couch in the Lobby)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and it's my third anniversary! (Cut to a firework display as the words "The Last Of The Americans' Third Anniversary" is shown over it and "Ode To Joy" is heard in the background before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: And as you can tell from the end of Last month's review the only person celebrating is... me! Yeah, Kinda sucks! (Eliza coughs off screen before cutting to her in the backroom doorway)

Eliza Dushku: Excuse me but what am I? Fricking Chopped Liver? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: No, but you're working on my last nerve with this whole "Trying to find out the secret behind the legend of James Faraci" when really, there's nothing to me! But you are not as bad as what I have to deal with. (Cut to scenes from the first three Michael Bay "Transformers" movies as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA(Voiceover): When it was announced that "Transformers" was hitting the Big Screen in a live action adaptation in 2006, I thought it would be interesting then came the news that A) Michael Bay was directing and B) Shia LaBeouf would be starring in them and quickly my hope for these movies being good died! Why you ask? Simple because between the time Michael Bay made one of my favorite guilty pleasures "Armageddon" & the time he made the "Transformers" he went straight to FUBAR and didn't come back and of course Shia LaBeouf became the Bane of humanity and the second coming of Pauly Shore yet no one noticed because everyone except the smart people because I've discovered idiots run the world and watch bad movies. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But having nothing to live off but Liquid I.Q. just to watch all three of Shia LaBeouf's "Transformers" movies, I somehow found ten things that were surprisingly good, not saying I liked or even thought these movies were good, I wish someone else had wrote, directed and casted these movies but for the sake of argument and discussion these are the Top 10 Good things that came from Michael Bay's "Transformers" Heaven help me... (Cut to the version of "The Transformers" performed by Lion as clips from the three Shia LaBeouf "Transformers" movies are shown before cutting to the Michael Bay "Transformers" movies logo and the words "Top 10 good things to come from" is above the logo before cutting to see the logo transform to the number 10 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 10

10) It honors the origin... for the most part.

TLOTA (Voiceover): This is something that I WILL give Bay credit for. He told how the Autobots and Decepticons got to our planet fairly accurately to the original series and that is something MOST adaptations of materials like Comic Books and Cartoons and TV Shows into movies are not too good at. But for me it shows these two refugee groups finding their way to our primitive backwoods planet. So Congrats Bay you got one thing right mostly. I mean come on Both ships landed on Earth! But that is a minor hiccup in getting the origin 75% right

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 9 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 9

9) Linkin Park

TLOTA (Voiceover): To me the music is as much a part of the movie as is the editing, the story, the acting, the directing, all of it and while the orchestral and synth stuff is good, for me personally I enjoyed the song "What I've done" by Nu-Metal band "Linkin Park" from the first movie. While they did a song for the sequels it wasn't as good. What I like about the song is that it doesn't fit into the movie and it feels more like a song that would stand out in something schlocky.

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 8 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 8

8) The revival of the Generation 1 franchise

TLOTA (Voiceover): Let me clarify. A lot of what people used to like from the movies were from what is known as the "Generation 1" series of episodes. The original series. Optimus Prime, Megatron, The Autobots & Decepticons, all of it! My introduction to the franchise was through the "Beast Wars" franchise. I had no idea Peter Cullen was the voice of Optimus, I was more used to Gary Chalk as Optimus. I mean I saw the 1980's animated movie and that was my introduction to the Generation 1 Franchise and since the live action movie came out the entire Generation 1 Animated series has been released onto DVD, so I guess some good came from this in terms of reviving what was generally considered Old School Nostalgia.

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 7 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 7

7) Megan Fox left before the third movie and Shia left after the third one.

TLOTA (Voiceover): Granted Michael Bay shifted away from The Character of Sam & Michaela for the fourth installment and in the next one coming out. But all things considered it worked out well. Megan went on to be in another 1980's franchise revival done by Michael Bay "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" and the recent sequel that came out both I will not watch and or review and Shia has since stopped being in movies. Granted the damage to cinema the two did in the first two movies they did is near irreversible, I will give the two of them this, they got the hell out of  Dodge when the timing was good for them and while it'll be a cold day in hell before they win Oscars but eventually Hollywood WILL get them for the travesties they've done, including these movies!

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 6 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 6

6) Leonard Nimoy

TLOTA (Voiceover): Believe it or not hearing Leonard Nimoy on screen one more time as a Transformer is interesting. Because during the "Generation 1" Transformers franchise there was a movie made between seasons 2 & 3 that had Leonard Nimoy play the character of Galvatron before season 3 premiered and Frank Welker took over the role. And While yes Frank played the role of Megatron in the Generation 1 Transformers franchise he returned to the role of Galvatron for the fourth Michael Bay movie, hearing Leonard perform as the Autobot who sides with the Decepticons was for me a highlight while yes, it was sad that he passed away not long after he did his cameo for "Star Trek Into Darkness" it was for me one of the few good moments in these movies. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And now if you'll excuse me, I need a break to make sure Eliza Dushku isn't into any shenanigans and I need to clean myself up from all the stupid I've got on me.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return to James on the couch)

TLOTA: Sorry about that, It seems I've lost Eliza and now I'm alone. ORAC, is there ANY signal coming from Eliza on ANY level.

ORAC (Audio only): I am trying but I believe she is using her Sonic Screwdriver to mask her frequency.

TLOTA: Well do your best and see if you can find her. Meanwhile, I'll work on the countdown some more.

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 5 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 5

5) It kept Summer Blockbusters alive long enough for "Marvel's The Avengers" to revive the Summer Blockbusters

TLOTA (Voiceover): Okay, For most of the late 1990's and early 2000's there were Summer Blockbuster but to me it just felt like it was slowly but surely fading into obscurity and although there were movies that were successful in the Summer they weren't exactly making Summer Blockbuster movie money like the Summer Blockbusters of years before that is until "Transformers" came and gave it a shot in the arm but it nearly killed the Summer Blockbuster by trying to dominate all Summer Blockbusters. That is where "Marvel's The Avengers" picked up the flag "Transformers" placed in it's line in the sand and decided to plant it on the moon where the "Transformers" franchise couldn't touch it (Show the title of the third "Transformers" movie title and James shouting "! I WASN'T BEING LITTERAL!" before cutting back to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): At any point the fact is this movie kept Summer Blockbusters from becoming completely extinct and that is worth being something good to come from this franchise full of turkeys for the most part.

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 4 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 4

4) Blue Collar Heroes

TLOTA (Voiceover): I guess this is a theme in most of if not a good portion of Michael Bay's repertoire of movies. That the bluer the collar the better a human being they are because as we've seen in these movies the people in the White Collars are probably either idiotic or so egotistically STUPID that they deserve to become the slaves of the decepticons under their stupid belief that the decepticons are the good guys and or none of the Transformers are good at all and the sooner they're all off the planet the better and those are the dumbasses who even when they are saved by not only The Autobots but guys like Epps & Lennox who are as far as military hierarchy are pretty much on the bottom rung next to Privates, Corporals, Sergeants, Lieutenants & Captains and they stand with the Autobots and according to Bay,

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 3 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 3

3) John Turturro

TLOTA (Voiceover):This guy seems to be bulletproof. Not saying he's fully bulletproof trust me there are a few movies of his where he really stinks. But I guess going into "Transformers" he knew it was A Turkey with Ham and Cheese on a Kaiser roll. So he decided to give it the effort the stupidity it deserves and he took the character and what the writers did to him and took it in the stride it deserves. And boy did the stride was so long it'd cross the equator five hundred times. They took a nutjob Government agent and reduced him to a butcher and then turned him into an eccentric writer. I'm willing to believe he had some say in the character he played because otherwise after getting peed on by Bumblebee in the first movie, He wouldn't have signed on for the two sequels with LaBeouf. So thank you John for being able to stick it out that long and being entertaining

(Cut to the Transformers logo transform to the number 2 then cut to the clips as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 2

2) It saved Paramount

TLOTA (Voiceover): Believe it or not for a good long time Paramount was on the ropes. Their older franchises were not doing well and their network merged with another failing network around the same time creating the CW or as it's beginning to be known now as The DC Comics network, their newer ideas were flopping. So when Transformers succeeded at the Box Office it was clear that Paramount was on the comeback trail and since then they've had more hits than flops. So in a way The battle between the Autobots & Decepticons saved Paramount and without that we wouldn't have had the Star Trek Reboot or the first two "Iron Man" movies. That's right Marvel produced the Marvel Cinematic Universe but Paramount distributed the movies until the Disney Buyout that occurred and although Paramount has survived and has gotten a footing as one of the best production and distribution companies for what they're worth.

(Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And now the Number one thing to come out of Michael Bay "Transformers" Movies and that happens to be... Me. And not just me, The Nostalgia Critic, The Blockbuster Buster, Angry Joe, Spoony, The Nostalgia Kid, Jackula, All of us who do reviews on the Internet! (Cut to clips of other internet reviewers as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): For as much as we don't want to admit it. Without the Michael Bay Transformers movie and the response it got polarizing the difference from what fans and critics thought and with YouTube being less draconic in its policies, everyone with a thought, a camera and some personality the Internet Reviewer revolution wouldn't have happened and most likely Myself and so many of us would be lost or not even known. So as much as I don't want to say this, I owe my vocation to this. A lot of us owe Michael Bay our success. Even in the "Transformers Age Of Extinction" crossover between the Nostalgia Critic and the Blockbuster Buster, they admit that without Bay and his Transformers movies we wouldn't be here (Show clip of The Nostalgia Critic and The Blockbuster Buster explain why the Internet Reviewer exists)

TLOTA (Voiceover): That's right, we exist because we take on the mediocre and praise what we like and demolish that we don't like and let people know we don't think like other critics. We think like the common fanboy & fangirl. We are fans and we know that and we also know what our fandom wants and when something we know is wrong we WILL be there to put you right back in your place at the bottom of the barrel and we WILL be here long after history has shown you to be the trash you are. Even if we are somehow stopped in one form we WILL find a way to thrive and survive and let everyone know that your movies are either garbage or greatness. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion. (Cut to an hour later as James accesses ORAC's Chamber and at a distance Eliza Dushku looks on in secret as James walks in the scene cuts to James inside ORAC's Chamber)

TLOTA: Any luck finding Eliza?

ORAC: Unfortunately all attempts to find Eliza Dushku has proven unsuccessful. However I am close on finding the first three.

TLOTA: How long before then?

ORAC: One hour. Might I suggest that I transfer my consciousness into the activation card so that I can finish up in peace whilst you work on an editorial.

TLOTA: That's not a bad idea ORAC. (James shuts off ORAC and takes the activation card and walks out the door. As James walks down the secondary hallway into the main lobby, Eliza Dushku sneaks around James to the door to ORAC's chamber as she gets her Sonic Screwdriver out and aims it at the lock on the door outside of ORAC's chamber.)

The Family Friendly Movie Revival!

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then cutting to The Last Of The Americans)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. A while back I took my nieces to see "The Peanuts Movie" and while my nieces thought it was okay. For me I thought this was one of the best movies of 2015! (Cut to clips of "The Peanuts Movie" and Posters from the movies he mentions as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA: I mean it, for the first time in Blue Sky's History they were able to make a quality movie and it is as far as I'm concerned it was one of the best of 2015 easily, It is up there with "The Force Awakens", "Avengers: Age Of Ultron", "Furious 7", "Ant-Man", "Jurassic World", "Mad Max: Fury Road", "The Martian", "Creed" & "The Revenant".(Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA: And as I was checking out the best movies of 2015 I found a couple of other great movies that  were Family friendly and I was checking out that there are more family friendly films that are coming that I feel will be great and after all of that I asked myself "Are We on the verge of the Revival of The successful Family Friendly movie?" Well Sort of... (Cut to clips of some Family Friendly movies as James does a voiceovers.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): For the most part people have kind of clustered Animated movies and Family Friendly movies into the same genre which is not the case! I've actually seen some Adult Animated movies which I do not recommend for kids and heck there are animated films that are MEANT to be kid friendly and I don't recommend and what's even worse is that there are people who look at Family Friendly movies as quick cash grabs and those movies like The "Alvin & The Chipmunks" movies and certain others are exactly that Cash Grabs! The type of movies that are just there to grab money from your wallet just to be 90 minutes of low brow humor and advertisements for products. Those are the ones are meant to be fodder for internet reviewers like myself, The Nostalgia Critic, Film Brain and so many others that take 90 minutes out of our lives that we'll never get back. Do we get good review material from them? Absolutely. But it shouldn't have to cost us so much of our sanity and our money. Besides it's obvious that bad Family Friendly films have been around since Time Immortal but not every family film is bad nor is every family film that IS a cash grab a bad movie. "Minions" which is a spin-off of the "Despicable Me" movies is an obvious cash grab but surprisingly there's something most cash grabs don't have, A good story & good character development. We see how The Minions became who they were and how things progressed to work for Gru and the fact it is set in the 1960's could give kids a chance to learn about what life was like when their grandparents were their age! But for every "Minions" there are about a dozen or so bad cash grabs like the "Alvin & The Chipmunks" movie franchise and just as many family film franchises that started out good but eventually turned into something old and formulaic such as the "Ice Age" movie franchise, seriously Blue Sky you need to put that franchise behind the shed and put it out of it's misery! But as far as a full on out revival well... we see how far it will go. Remember Movie trends comes in waves. Whether or not the Family Friendly Revival will last or not is up to the audience. If you want to make it all about cash grabs then it won't last long. If you want quality, then it may last as long as the recent Comic Book Movie boom and who knows it may last longer than that but ONLY if we demand quality over quantity. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Next month is my third anniversary and well...it's gonna be a whopper! I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That's My Opinion!

This Review is "Happening" Hot Stuff!

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2015 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James landing on Linkara, to James getting his nards smashed, To Josie & The Pussycats running into James’ office, to James and Paulo dressed as the Mario Brothers on a snow sled, to Everyone at team TLOTA running out of James’ office, to James leading the charge against the Cullens and the vampires of The Twilight Saga, to Rowdy turning his head to Paulo with a demented smile on his face as everyone save for James looks scared as James has his right hand with defeat on his face until the 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver towards the Power Rangers then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo Fonseca, John Santos, Eliza Dushku & Eric Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Traci Hines, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James sitting in his chair laughing outrageously before James takes a deep calm breath!)

TLOTA: I’m (James continues to laugh uncontrollably before Nick Yaun picks him up by his shirt’s collar)

Nick Yaun: PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER MAN! IT’S A SHAYMALAN MOVIE!

TLOTA (laughing while talking): I’m trying for crying out loud! (Nick Yaun shakes James around.)

Nick Yaun: YOU HAVE TO CALM DOWN! IT’S NOT WORTH ACTING LIKE THIS! (Paulo walks into frame behind Nick)

Paulo Fonseca: Nick, Let me at it! (Paulo starts shaking James even harder) CALM DOWN JAMES! FOCUS ON HOW BAD THIS MOVIE IS! YOU HAVE TO CALM (Paulo smacks James upside his face) DOWN! (Rebecca Yaun walks into frame and talks to Paulo)

Rebecca Yaun: Hey Paulo, your fiancée is on the Phone!

Paulo Fonseca: Thanks. (Paulo walks away and Rebecca shakes James even harder than Paulo)

Rebecca Yaun (Shaking James while smacking him around): CALM DOWN JAMES! CALM! (Rebecca Smacks James) DOWN! (Rebecca Smacks James) PLEASE! (Sounds of Rebecca Yaun yelling at James to calm down and James continues to laugh as the camera pans down the line to see John Ross Santos with a Double Boiler pan, Mike Santos with a pipe, Eric Neil Kurtzke with a set of Brass Knuckles, Renee Miller with a 2x4, Rowdy with a Baseball bat, The Nostalgia Critic with his handgun, The Blockbuster Buster with “Lucille”, Linkara with his Magic gun,  Jeff Jarrett with his guitar, Eliza Dushku brandishing a pair of Boxing Gloves, Traci Hines with a set of Shark Jaws taped to a club, then The Angry Video Game Nerd with an empty beer bottle and shattering the bottom of the bottle on the side of the wall then Film Brain with a noose before the scene changes to the Opening credit scene of “The Happening” then cutting to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): HOLY MOLY CANOLI! WHAT WAS HE THINKING? No! No! No! What was he SMOKING! This movie is just a WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST SEE MOMENT?! And by the end you’ll be either in a pool of your own effluence from laughing OR scratching your head wondering if your still sane. It’s been reviewed to death but it’s one of those movies that bear repeat reviews. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So let’s dive in head first and cook this turkey stuffed with hot dogs, tiramisu, cheese & crackers and slathered in honey, cough syrup & Lemon Drink this is M. Night Shyamalan’s “The Happening” (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So our movie begins in central park as two people on a bench reading the same book notice people doing an improv act as one of the two people realize this thing is going on their IMDB and commits to stabbing herself! We soon see extras who were told they were going to be paid very well because they were going to be in a Shaymalan movie at a construction site as they fall to their doom before we cut to a Pennsylvanian Science teacher named Elliot played by Mark “I’m kicking my manager’s ass for this” Wahlberg as they discuss a recent event. A loss of honeybees! (Show clip of Elliot talking to his students about the Honeybees and no one has an answer before cutting to James)

TLOTA: I actually heard about this by a Doctor (Cut to the clip about the disappearance of Honeybees in “Doctor Who: The Stolen Earth” in which they talk about the disappearance of the Honeybees actually being tiny aliens having disappeared before cutting to the movie as the smart Alek in the class says “An act of nature that we will never truly understand.” And Elliot replies with something meant to be intellectually meaningful before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: What is this Science Theology 101? (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Well the word of what happened in New York City reaches the school Elliot and his friend Julian played by John Leguizamo and at the behest of the Principal played by Alan Ruck the students are let go and Julian decides to grab his daughter and meet his wife further down on the train line and Elliot is going to pick up his wife Alma played by Zooey Deschanel who I swear to GOD has set her voice to overly girly cutesy and trained herself to never friggin close her eyes! (Cut to Alma speaking in several scenes before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: If you’ve ever wondered why I’ve never watched but heard of “New Girl” well now you know why I’d rather eat my weight in Concrete than watch or hear anything come out of Zooey Deschanel’s pie hole! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Anyway, Alma had a one-night affair with someone who is vocally played by a cameo by Shaymalan and she’s trying hard to avoid it. Meanwhile Elliot, Julian and his daughter Jess Meet Alma at the train station and as the train tries to get away from whatever the hell is going on out there to Harrisburg to meet up with Julian’s wife, the train stops in Filbert because they’ve lost contact with the outside world. At a restaurant they look at a video that shows that the lions in the lion’s den obviously enjoy it when their caretaker decides to stand while they’re at their most feral as they discover whatever is going on out there is in their neck of the woods. As Julian tries to find his wife who I’m sure has not been casted and is possibly kaput by this point he leaves Jess with Alma & Elliot to take care of her in his stead. Elliot, Alma & Jess hitch a ride with a Nursery owner whose house and business is so subtlety right near a nuclear power plant you couldn’t tell it was there… IN THE BACKGROUND OF THE NURSERY! Seriously Shaymalan you think being subtle means hitting someone in the Po-Pos with a 30 ton wrecking ball! You are making the entire “Josie & The Pussycats” movie look subtle in comparison! (Cut to the clip of Nursery owner talking about Hot Dogs before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Okay movie, you have FORCED me into doing this! Hit it! (Cut to the instrumental of “The Narwhal Song” at one and one quarter speed while in the background everyone else is dancing in different way.)

TLOTA (Singing): Hot dogs! Hot dogs! Cook ‘em up in hot water up cook ‘em until they’re nice & plump! Grill ‘em until they get marked! Hot dogs! Hot Dogs! Cook ‘em up in hot water!

Rebecca Yaun (Singing): Some come a foot long! If you like them too. You’ll sing along! (Audio of the clip of the Nursery owner talking about Hot dogs is played as everyone dances very silly)

Team TLOTA (Singing): Hot Dogs! We like Hot dogs! Hot Dogs!

TLOTA (Singing): Slathered in Chili & Cheese!

Team TLOTA (Singing): Hot Dogs! We like Hot dogs! Hot Dogs!

Paulo Fonseca (Singing): Tons of Mustard if you please! (Song lyrics repeat for the second verse as does the video for it before Cutting to James physically looking a little more mentally disturbed.)

TLOTA: HOKAY! Things are officially Cuckoo! Let’s take a break and regain some semblance of sanity though in a Shaymalan film that’s nigh on impossible!

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro as it cuts to James’ office Kitchen as Jeremy from CinemaSins stands next to Alton Brown as played by Nick Yaun)

C.S. Jeremy: Sometimes watching a movie just isn’t enough! You also want to eat that movie!

“Alton Brown”: And that is why America we have movie recipes! (CinemaSins Movie Recipes music play in the background and opening credit is shown before cutting back to Jeremy from Cinema Sins and “Alton Brown” in James’ office Kitchen)

C.S. Jeremy: Today we’re going to make a M. Night Shaymalan Turkey!

“Alton Brown”:  And not just any Turkey, people we are making a Turkey based on “The Happening” (Cut to a deep pot with the Camera in the bottom of the pot and the two looking in. Then cut to the two outside the pot with Lemon Drink, Cough Syrup, Honey & Kosher Salt)

“Alton Brown” (Voiceover): Starting with the brine for the Turkey, we use one pound of Lemon Drink, Cough Syrup, Honey and of course a pound of Kosher Salt. (Cut to the two standing over the pot as they drop the turkey into the pot and setting it aside in a corner)

C.S. Jeremy (Voiceover): Then Put in a 14 lbs. Turkey preferably one without bones because there is NO semblance of structure in a Shaymalan movie of this quality. Then we let it sit for hours as we prepare to stuff this turkey with enough filler to fill out an hour and a half of cooking! (Cut to the two with a blender, Tiramisu, Cheese & Crackers and Hot Dogs.)

“Alton Brown” (Voiceover): We start with a lovely Tiramisu and blend the tar out of it!

C.S. Jeremy (Voiceover): Then drop a whole pack of Hot Dogs to the mix and a pound of Cheese and crackers preferably something bland and tasteless like Shaymalan! (Cut to the two with the boneless turkey stuffed with the Tiramisu mix next to an oven.)

“Alton Brown” (Voiceover): We then cover the Turkey in the herb that helped make this movie possible! Marijuana and put it in a 525-degree oven for an hour and a half because no movie of his should be longer than that! (Cut to the two at a table)

C.S. Jeremy (Voiceover): Serve with a country dinner and an expired water cocktail garnished with a lit cigarette and enjoy the madness that comes from this meal! (“Alton Brown” jumps over the table to attack as the camera is knocked over and it cuts to a test pattern before cutting to Cinema Sins Jeremy lying down in the Prison Bitch position and “Alton Brown” with his pants around his legs and head first in a trashcan before fading to black then cutting to the Commercial break return bit as  the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the return from commercial break as the review cuts to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): We soon find Julian as he tries to find his wife when they see a group of people dead, hung by their necks and lining the street and there is a tear in the roof that allows whatever it is to come in and the driver decides to go at “Fury Road” speed into a tree as Julian steps out and decides to take a piece of glass to slit his wrists. Though knowing John Leguizamo he looks like his manager called him about doing a 35^th “Ice Age” Movie while working on this and decided “Screw that Sloth!”. Meanwhile Elliot, Alma, Jess and our Hot Dog Nurseryman find a private who has found a Military private who’s as lost as the people watching this tries to organize everyone else on the same route into a group who’s just as lost but the Nurseryman believes that the plants are the cause of the event. (Show the clip of The Nurseryman telling the Military private about what they saw and the Private says “Cheese & Crackers” before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: I have extended family members who have served in the Armed Forces and they have said worse things than “Cheese & Crackers” though they do sleep with some strange things but for me it’s a “Don’t know, Don’t care” kind of thing instead of a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” sort of thing. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But convinced whatever this thing is that’s caused by the plants is being conveyed by the wind the large group break into smaller factions while they I KID YOU NOT TRY TO OUTRUN THE WIND! NOT KIDDING! Meanwhile in the Military private’s faction in which the Hot Dog nurseryman is in find themselves infected save for the Hot Dog nurseryman and well… (Show clip of Elliot, Alma & Jess’s group as they hear the gunshots and everyone there is screaming at Elliot before Mark Wahlberg’s Elliot screams “I NEED A SECOND OKAY! WHY CAN’T EVERYONE GIVE ME A GOD DAMN SECOND! Before James continues his voiceover while the movie continues)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Geez dude any louder and you’ll blow the boom mic besides no one wants to see your nose hairs! Anyway Elliot’s little group eventually discovers a Model home where everything is fake and well…. I can’t… I just can’t… Watch it and you come up with your own joke! (Show clip of Elliot talking to the plant before cutting to James physically with him looking into the camera and two M. Night Shaymalan heads popping out of his ears screaming “Cuckoo” three times and a fourth time the heads pop out M. Night Shaymalan synchronized saying “If you think this is sane then you are CUCKOO!” before they return to James’ head. Before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But as they see another group infected by whatever the hell this is, they run out of there like bats out of hell and Alma spills on meeting a guy for Tiramisu just as they hit another place Elliot’s attempt at levity falls flatter than this plot! (Cut to Elliot jokingly saying about meeting this woman and asking about cough syrup before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Okay, I’m convinced! THIS was the writing process for this thing I’m watching. (Cut to a stoners’ den with Shaymalan being played vocally by James Faraci but physically by Renee Miller and a group of stoners played by Paulo Fonseca, John Ross Santos, Mike Santos & Eric Kurtzke, Raoul Pupe played by Nick Yaun and Georgio A. Tsoukalos played by James Faraci while a kids show with a fifty cent budget talking about the environment plays in the background.)

Shaymalan: Oh dude, you know what I could go for? Some Tiramisu with Cheese & Crackers

Stoner (Paulo): Hey man can we get some hot dogs in this place?

Stoner (John Santos): Dude, quit bogarting the Cough Syrup man! (Show Mike guzzling the bottle of Cough Syrup as The Audio of the kids show talking about the environment plays in the background.)

Stoner (Eric Kurtzke): You know this show we’re watching is making sense man! (Giggles uncontrollably)

Stoner (Mike Santos): Hey Shaymalan, you need to write this stuff down for your next movie man!

Shaymalan: Dude! Why do you think we’re here? (Cut to James as Georgio A. Tsoukalos tapping on a tank of turtles)

Georgio A. Tsoukalos: Hi little aliens! Klaatu Barata Nicto! Will you tell me the secrets of the world?

Shaymalan: Dude! How much has he had?

Stoner (John Santos): Oh him? He’s never stopped since we met in College man! (Everyone giggle uncontrollably as the camera cuts to Raoul Pupe)

Raoul Pupe: You know, I’m so glad to be amongst such sane and rational people! (Cut to Elliot’s group as they come to a house trying to talk to the people holed up inside and Elliot inexplicably starts singing the chorus to “Black Water” by The Doobie Brothers and Elliot says “See, We're normal!” before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: Yeah keep believing that and eventually the people from Doctor Dippy’s Mental Retreat will let you out on their little choo-choo! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Even the kids looking into the camera are looking at this moment as to say “Yeah, we have no idea what the hell is going on here people, just get more stoned and enjoy this because this is freaking insane!” But eventually the others in Elliot’s group save for Alma and Jess get blasted with buckshot and Elliot, Alma and Jess bolt until they find an old woman in the next house they come across who’s practically given up on the world and by no choice allows the three of them to stay the night and we get a bit of history of the house and then this moment! (Cut to the clip of the old lady saying “I hear you whispering. Planning on stealing something!” and Elliot replying “No Ma’am we’re not!” and the old lady saying “Plan on murdering me in my sleep!” and Elliot replying “WHAT?! NO!” before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: Guys come on over and help me out. Just…. Just help me question this thing. (Everyone else in Team TLOTA comes in and stares at the camera.)

Eric Kurtzke:  Is this leading to anything important? (Cut to Elliot saying “WHAT?! NO!” before cutting to everyone else in Team TLOTA)

Renee Miller: Is there another sequel to “Ted” coming soon? (Cut to Elliot saying “WHAT?! NO!” before cutting to everyone else in Team TLOTA)

Mike Santos: Do you think we’re gonna make it through until the end? (Cut to Elliot saying “WHAT?! NO!” before cutting to everyone else in Team TLOTA)

John Santos: Will this be at the top of your resume? (Cut to Elliot saying “WHAT?! NO!” before cutting to everyone else in Team TLOTA)

Eliza Dushku: Will I ever discover James’ secret? (Cut to Elliot saying “WHAT?! NO!” before cutting to everyone else in Team TLOTA)

Traci Hines: Will you ever live this movie down as long as you live? (Cut to Elliot saying “WHAT?! NO!” before cutting to everyone else in Team TLOTA)

Paulo Fonseca: Will you ever return to making cheesy music? (Cut to Elliot saying “WHAT?! NO!” before cutting to everyone else in Team TLOTA)

Rebecca Yaun: Do you believe that “Wahlburgers” will ever come to Sullivan County New York? (Cut to Elliot saying “WHAT?! NO!” before cutting to everyone else in Team TLOTA)

Nick Yaun: Have we run this gag into the ground yet? (Cut to Elliot saying “WHAT?! NO!” before cutting to everyone else in Team TLOTA)

TLOTA: You might think we haven’t but I think we have. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The next morning everything goes even further off the deep end as I KID YOU NOT Elliot tries to be rational as the old woman screams at him for being near her doll. But as whatever this plant voodoo is comes their way, affects the old lady as she smashes her head in on the windows in her house killing herself in the process Elliot heads for the basement and Alma & Jess head to a safe house used during the Underground Railroad and the two are able to talk via a speaking tube and all three decide three minutes after they talk through their problems and decide to reunite and wait for the whatever happened to everyone else to come and take them! But in a Shaymalan Twist, at least I think it is the event ends with them surviving at Arundell County at just two minutes before 10 A.M. and three months later people are still stymied after they went through what they did, Alma and Elliot formally adopt Jess but she’ll never forget her parents and in a not so subtle note Shaymalan lets the audience know that he’s planning on raping Aang for his cabbages in his next project based on “Avatar: The Last Airbender”, Alma discovers she’s pregnant and Elliot returns to his Science Theory class as it goes to Paris and whatever happened three months ago stateside made it to France to make the French must say Au Revoir! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So that was “The Happening”! YOWZA! (Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): If you’re looking for intelligent writing or strong storytelling or good acting then brother you need to find something else. If you want to laugh at what stoners think will happen at the world if they weren’t in charge, then you have found the Jackpot! Maybe Shaymalan should quit trying to scare us with his serious fare and try to make us laugh with comedic fare because it appears he’s more versed in that than making serious movies with the material of his work. Because this maybe one of the humorous movies I’ve ever seen! Give it a watch and a laugh. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and…. (James laughs so uncontrollably he falls out of seat until a pooping noise is heard.) I need to change my underwear! (Cut to an hour later as everyone is getting ready to head back)

TLOTA: Hey guys, just so you know the next couple of months are going to be insane, so if you need to kind of step away for any personal reason either let me know now or shoot me an E-Mail my way. (Cut to Paulo)

Paulo Fonseca: Well, I’ve got my wedding to focus on so…

TLOTA: Say no more and If I wasn’t busy, I would go and if by SOME miracle If I can, I’d like to come.

Paulo Fonseca: Well, James as much as I’d like my friends there it’s more of a family thing and….

TLOTA: I’ve got it. Oh Nick! (Camera cuts to Nick Yaun getting his clothes in his suitcase as James walks over to him)

TLOTA: For being such a good sport and great utility player over the past few months, I figured you earned a break so you and Rebecca can enjoy your LONG overdue Honeymoon and I got two tickets for a cruise to the Caribbean for two weeks under the names of Nick & Rebecca Yaun.

Nick Yaun: Awesome! (Cut to Traci Hines as she is two steps away from the door.)

Traci Hines: I’ll be hitting the con circuit if you need me.

TLOTA (Audio only as Eliza Dushku walks towards James): Awesome, and incidentally if you’re going to a con in the Dallas/Fort Worth/Arlington Area Rowdy is willing to give you a place to chill for a bit.

Traci Hines (Audio only as Eliza Dushku walks towards James): Uh no way, I remember the Christmas party after a few coca colas and a bottle of Martinelli’s and I needed to call a lawyer to file a restraining order!

Eliza Dushku: Okay James, what’s going on?

TLOTA: What are you talking about?

Eliza Dushku: You’ve been acting weird since I met you and even by the standards I have for you this is crazy! I mean A Cruise to the Caribbean for Nick & Rebecca, having made sure we’re out of the way, as you so eloquently say “WHAT IN THE NAME OF ZEUS’ BUTTHOLE IS GOING ON?!” (James sighs a deep breath as his face becomes serious.)

TLOTA: Okay, it may come to no surprise that next month is my third anniversary of me doing reviews and I plan on something big. The Michael Bay “Transformers” movies with Shia LaBeouf and I plan on doing a countdown. A Countdown of the good things that came from them. Something that intense that there could be backlash. Which is why if you guys need to step away, go right ahead. (Audio of several Doors closing at the same time then audio of tires peeling out as James & Eliza are left behind)

TLOTA: Well, that was expectantly predictable.

Eliza Dushku: Actually, I’m still here. Traci was my ride!

TLOTA: Yeah, while you’re here, I noticed you tried calling other old crushes who wishes that an Elephant rapes me. Are you still trying to figure out who I am and what secrets about me you need to know?

Eliza Dushku: How did you know? The moment in the review when I asked Mark Wahlberg a question in the review, it was about you. (Cut to the moment in which Eliza Dushku asks if she’ll ever discover James’ secret before cutting to James looking at Eliza and Eliza looking at the camera)

TLOTA: See that happened.

Eliza Dushku: How did you do that?

TLOTA: An editing trick.

Eliza Dushku: No more quick-witted answers from you, what happened to you between 2010 up until 2013 is a black hole of information on you. Everything else is public record is just minimal and soon enough I WILL Find out your secret James Faraci! Whether you want me to or not. (Eliza Dushku walks away as James sighs)