The "World" according to "Spice"

(Scene begins with James opening the door to his new studio as he enters, he has a smile on his face.)

TLOTA:
Good morning ORAC!

ORAC (Audio only):
You’re certainly in a rather good mood.

TLOTA:
Why not, the studio warming party is in a few hours, Alex is in a good mood and I’m going to watch and review the movie “Spice World”. (Record scratches)

ORAC (Audio only):
I now must ask the obvious, HAVE YOU LOST YOUR SENSE OF SANITY?

TLOTA:
Long time ago ORAC! But I’m still going to watch and review the movie “Spice World” (Cut to Team TLOTA as they pop out of the couch and other areas in the studio and look James over and he protests the actions nicely.) STOP IT! Look, I’m going to watch this movie and there is nothing and no ONE who will stop me from watching (Cut to Mathew Buck as he prepares another “Projector” episode when his cell phone rings.)

Mathew Buck:
Hello? (Cut to Mike Jeavons as he prepares another “Week On”)

Mike J:
Mathew, did you get a message from James Faraci The Last Of The Americans’ compatriots? (Cut to Mathew Buck)

Mathew Buck:
I haven’t checked my E-Mail in a while, why did they contact You? (Cut to Mike J)

Mike J:
Well apparently James is planning on watching and reviewing “Spice World” The Movie. (A Record Scratches as it cuts to Mathew Buck)

Mathew Buck:
“SPICE WORLD” THE MOVIE?!? Suit up Mike, we’re going to New York! (Noble music plays as intercut scenes of Mike J & Mathew Buck suiting up to go before cutting to Grace Jeavons as she prepares something.)

Mike J:
Alright Grace, Mathew and I heading out to the states to stop a Reviewer in America from watching “Spice World” the movie! Be back later, I love you, bye!

Grace Jeavons:
Don’t be gone for too long!

(Grace continues to do her thing as it cuts to A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Robo Knight Robo Morpher and punching in the code 428 then cut to James jumping down a cliff from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci landing and fully morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans basic mode with his Long sleeve Tee-Shirt with the American flag design on it, Blue cargo Jeans and Black Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James fighting alongside the 2017 Power Rangers, 2016 Ghostbusters and warriors of Wakonda from “Avengers: Infinity War” at the 0:13 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:14-0:17 show Rebecca Yaun as Wonder Woman  and Nick Yaun as Steve Trevor charging the screen before cutting to John and Mike Santos peeling out in The DeLorean From “Back To The Future” before cutting to the 0:17-0:19 mark as it shows Paulo & Brenda Fonseca taking a joyride in KITT from “Knight Rider” in Super Pursuit Mode before cutting to the 0:20-0:28 mark as we see Eric Kurtzke, Ed Champion and Andrew Beach flying the USS Enterprise from “Star Trek” (2009) and Olivia Horvath flying The Orville as it cuts to the 0:28 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James stands on top of his Time and Space device and tosses his sonic screwdriver then cuts over to multiple clips from “The Last Of The Americans” reviews moments of 2018 as the Sonic Screwdriver flips end over end as the 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run plays when James grabs it while on top of a slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo & Brenda Fonseca, John & Mike Santos, Eric Kurtzke, Olivia Horvath on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Ed Champion on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his new Work Office)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. And believe it or not, I have found the ultimate Nirvana experience of something so bad it’s so good that it comes back to being bad in a good way! A little time capsule of everything wrong and right in the late 1990’s in terms of the entertainment industry and the world itself! (Cut to the title card of “Spice World” The Movie then cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
All I can say after sitting and watching this movie, I can honestly say this is one of the most Nucking Futs movies I’ve ever seen and to be honest I knew going in it was going to be a bad movie. But as since it has been released it’s gained a cult following! Does this movie deserve that honor, or does this come off as bland as Century old “Mrs. Dash”? (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Let’s (Banging on the door) Excuse Me. (James opens the door) What’s up? (A Pair of hands begin to throttle James as it cuts to John Ross Santos as he tries to knock James out as James flips him like a quarter, Mike Santos tries to hit James with a running attack and James jumps and the door to Elevator opens and Mike hits the elevator car with a thwack! Paulo, Brenda, Rebecca and Nick try to bum rush him from the back by hoisting him by his pants and as James comes to the door way James puts his feet on the Door Jamb and James pushes the four of them down to the ground and James rolls on to his feet and heads back to his office as Olivia Horvath, Renee Miller, Eric Kurtzke, Ed Champion and Andrew Beach acting as a barricade to James’ office door. Cut to James)

TLOTA:
OY GEVALT! Why are you holding me up? Do you really think a bad movie is gonna make me and my life any crazier than what it is? Okay Enough is enough. DEADPOOL! (Cut to Deadpool landing on Olivia Horvath, Renee Miller, Eric Kurtzke, Ed Champion and Andrew Beach)

Deadpool:
What is it this time? (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
I’ve got a review to do and I need you to keep them from entering and NO KILLING! (Cut to Deadpool)

Deadpool:
You’re no fun! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Not today I am, this is “Spice World” the movie! (Cut to “Spice World” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

The movie opens to let the audience know who in terms is of who the Spice Girls! There’s Geri “Ginger Spice”, Mel C “Sporty Spice”, Mel B “Scary Spice”, Victoria “Posh Spice” and finally Emma “Baby Spice” as we see them sing the song “Too Much” as we’re soon introduced to an unlicensed documentary filmmaker played by Alan Cumming and his crew going behind the scenes and following them is a pair of novice movie makers played by George Wendt and Mark McKinney who want to put them in a movie and of course ask the pertinent question.

Graydon:
Yeah but can they act? (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA:
Well according to the critics the descendants of Shakespeare should hold a permanent restraining order against them! (Cut to “Spice World” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
We soon see what the girls’ daily routine is which includes Photoshoots of them dressing up like well-known feminist icons and cosplaying like each other! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
(Raspberries) That’s nothing, check out some of the characters we dressed up as in our last Photoshoot! (Cut to James dressed as a Certain “Critic” and mocks his voice, look and makes him sound like a person who thinks 2+2=IFLYDACHOOCHOOTRAIN!, Eric Kurtzke dressed as a certain “Snob” and Eric says dressed as said “Snob” how much of an asshole he is and how much he deserves to be treated like garbage and how he and his wife deserved to be doxed & swatted at a family member’s funeral then showing the rest of Team TLOTA being dressed up as other BETTER Internet Personalities whooping James and Eric to a pulp before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
After that we find the five in a double decker bus that… Yeah I know what’s coming so let ‘er rip “Doctor Who” clip! (Show clip of “Twice Upon A Time” as Captain Archibald Hamish Lethbridge-Stewart sees the Interior of the TARDIS and says “It’s Bigger on the inside than it is on the outside!” before cutting back to the movie as James does a voiceover) Anyway, The five of them talk about what it’s like for them to be famous and what their lives are like now especially with one big ass live Pay-Per-View extravaganza to be aired all across the galaxy, so the pressure is on them to deliver, BIG TIME! During a rehearsal they’re greeted by an old friend Nicola who is about a few days away from delivering a baby and as they perform we cut to an evil gossip magazine editor who hates that the Spice Girls are getting along which means slow news sales and this was before the Internet pretty much made the Newspapers go the way of the Dodo, so what to do? Hire Riff Raff from the “Rocky Horror Picture Show” to make up bad news. I’m not even joking that IS Richard O’Brien as the Paparazzo whose only goal is to snap photos and make up more Fake News than everyone else is making now! Did the writers have a Crystal Ball or something? Anyhow, Their manager Clifford is a little hesitant on giving them the time necessary to be with their friend especially when the head of the record company “The Chief” lets Clifford know that the concert is important and that the show must go on in no certain terms. And I DO mean The Chief played by former James Bond the late Roger Moore tells Clifford in no certain terms that the show must go on AND, in my opinion, Roger Moore’s dialogue is the most bizarre in the history of cinema. (Show all the clips of Roger Moore saying his lines that make no sense whatsoever and in one clip Clifford admits that he has no idea what the hell “The Chief” is saying. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I sooooooo wish I could’ve met Roger Moore when he was alive and asked him what was going on in his mind when he filmed this. (Cut to “Spice World” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
So instead of being with their friend, the Spice Girls are sent to of all things a Concert Boot Camp! A… CONCERT…BOOT CAMP! There are days that make me realize how BONKERS FOR BANANA BALLS my profession is! And today is one of those days! After getting through the camp the girls spend the night and have some interesting conversations. Of course, that wascally paparazzo takes the photos and distorts the truth, isn’t that always the way with the bottom of the barrel. But I digress, after a party where they meet Bob Geldof and surprisingly Elton John, I’ve got nothing. The Spice Girls have another practice concert and after the concert we’ve got… (Show clip of Aliens landing and the Spice Girls interacting, getting autographs and being photographed, cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Aliens! We have Aliens making first contact, and they want photographs and autographs of the Spice Girls! I’m going to take a break! (Show James try to open his door when he sees the door is locked) Uh, what’s going on? (Cut to Team TLOTA)

Paulo Fonseca:
Trust us James we don’t want to do this but it’s for your own good! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Locking me in with the movie and the means to review it? (Cut to Team TLOTA)

Rebecca Yaun:
Well it’s only until the help we asked to stop you from reviewing it. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
What help? (Show Mathew Buck and Mike J stuck in the airport as the two trade barbs at each other before fading to black then fade into the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro as it cuts to James in his living room)

James Faraci:
Hey everyone, again coming up with an update on the GoFundMe and my brother. He’s improving but slowly and the family still needs the money from the GoFundMe to help with the day to day living expenditures and it is not getting easier or better. When there is a charity event, I will talk about it, but for now the GoFundMe is the only support to the family that can help ease things. Click on the link below and do what you know what you must do and thanks once again.

https://www.gofundme.com/s3pbfh-rob039s-recovery?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=fb_dn_cpgnsharemore_r&fbclid=IwAR3bJnEB5p_se2LUG_0gvjfoE7nSQwyBsSmerkU5o6afQX0cl49znnL7zk0

(James fades to black before fading to the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before fade cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As the Spice Girls are going through what they’re going through, Clifford must deal with our filmmakers with ideas that’d make what Jonah and The Bots are dealing with look like small potatoes! (Show clip of the Movie Makers as they tell their ideas to Clifford then cut to James as he answers a phone)

TLOTA:
Hello! (Ten seconds of silence) No, They’re not real movies. (Five seconds of silence) No Kinga, They’re not real movie ideas! (Five seconds of silence) Kinga, I gave you a list of ten movies for the next season a couple of years ago. (Five seconds of silence) Yes, Kinga, just as you had ensnared Jonah, I made the list. Look in the sidebar, under 2016, September, right there, there you go! Goodbye! (Cut to “Spice World” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Clifford tries to hold onto the few threads of sanity he has left, the Spice Girls try to do a “Make A Wish” type of event with a fan on a boat. It quickly becomes the Titanic and I don’t mean the movie, I mean the actual Titanic and not helping is the Paparazzo. After a meltdown just hours away from the concert, the Spice Girls walk away. Clifford handles it well. (Show Clifford screaming matching the intensity of the lights behind him before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA:
As well as anyone that stressed out, I mean I’d react differently. At least I hope I would. (The doorbell rings as it cuts to the front door to the studio as Mathew Buck and Mike J enter. Cut to Team TLOTA)

John Ross Santos:
Okay, James is in there you know what to do, Right? (Cut to Mathew Buck and Mike J)

Mathew Buck:
You’re damned right!

Mike J:
Let’s do it! (Cut to Mathew Buck and Mike J on the Horseshoe couch drinking tea with Team TLOTA sighing and or shaking their heads in disbelief behind them!)

John Ross Santos:
You two do realize James is in his office rotting his mind on “Spice World” The Movie, right?

Mike J:
It’d been a long flight and we missed our tea!

Mathew Buck:
How true, it helps us with… Ooh! Doctor Who! And it’s A Matt Smith/Jenna Coleman episode!

Mike J:
Excellent! (John Ross Santos roars in anger as it cuts to “Spice World” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
That night, the Spice Girls have the same fantasy about what would happen to them once they had to meet head to head with failure. (Show clip of the Spice Girls in Pop Culture Court. When the Judge tells the bailiff to call for “Hootie & The Blowfish” and the gavel bangs the footage shakes as it cuts to James being shaken around then cut to the rest of Team TLOTA, Mathew Buck and Mike J as they shake)

Brenda Fonseca:
WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?!  (Everyone runs to the first window that opens)

Mike J:
OI! The movie just went off the track and taken us around the bend! (Show The cover of the DVD of “Spice World” as it carries a cut out of the outside of the studio as it recreates the Train going off the tracks in the Marx Brothers Classic “Go West” as it cuts to everyone else reacting)

Nick Yaun:
WOW! It’s like one of those rides at a carnival!

(Show the Cover of the DVD of “Spice World” as it smashes through a house and the Studio catches it taking it off it’s foundation as the guy on the roof still works on the roof. Cut to Mike J as he looks at the guy)

Mike J:
Why don’t you come on in, there’s a lovely fire in the living room! (Cut to “Spice World” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
The Spice Girls go back to the bar they were discovered at and realize they’ve been bad friends to Nicola. So, what to do? Go to a club with their friend to apologize for not being there for her! But during their performance of “Who Do You Think You Are?” Nicola goes into labor. They make it to the hospital and stay there just long enough to see Nicola give birth to a daughter. However, a doctor whose disguise quickly comes off as the Paparazzo that’s been hunting the Girls come head to head.  (Show clip of The Spice Girls running after the Paparazzo who suddenly has a face turn and James screams “WAIT A MINUTE?!” as a record scratches and it cuts to James physically)

TLOTA:
Why such a heel to face turn as quick as The Big Show’s latest one? Why after hunting them all this time did, he turn on his bosses? Why didn’t the Spice Girls not buy what he was selling and eviscerate the bastard? I mean it would’ve been the one killing that would’ve made every Paparazzi realize they’re scum and need to quit? I think this would’ve worked. Here’s how I would’ve filmed it! (Cut to Mike J, Mathew Buck, Paulo Fonseca and Ed Champion dressed as Paparazzi as multiple thwacks, body crushing blows, a ton of Screams coming out of one guy before a Splat is heard and The Spice Girls performed by Rebecca Yaun, Brenda Fonseca, Olivia Horvath, Renee Miller and Julia Alexa Miller walk out of the elevator as the Paparazzi look and sees the off-screen destruction, proceed to toss their cameras in the garbage and toss their collective cookies and cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
After that, with their Bus Driver Missing in Action, Victoria decides to take the wheel and CUE THE MUSIC! (Show footage of The Spice Girls trying to get to the concert hall as “I Can’t Turn You Loose” from “The Blues Brothers” soundtrack plays in time with the scenes and as the bus parks the music ends) The Spice Girls are momentarily held back and Clifford comes up with a plan B, to kill himself on stage in front of a world wide audience. Thankfully that never comes to pass as the Girls get their A-Game faces on, the concert is a success and the movie ends with the filmmakers making their Spice Girls Movie and The Girls breaking the fourth wall! (A huge off-screen explosion happens as it cuts to Team TLOTA)

John Ross Santos:
Alright, did you enjoy your Tea?

Mike J (Off Screen):
Yes!

Mike Santos:
Did you like the “Doctor Who” episodes?

Mathew Buck (Off Screen):
Yes!

Ed Champion:
Watched the Soccer game?

The other members of Team TLOTA, Mike J & Mathew Buck (In Unison):
FOOTBALL!

Ed Champion:
Fine, The Football game!

Mathew Buck & Mike J (In Unison, Off screen):
Yes!

Andrew Beach:
Did you do EVERY SINGLE LAST BRITISH THING YOU WANTED TO?

Mathew Buck & Mike J (In Unison, Off screen):
Yes!

John Ross Santos:
Okay, James, we’re letting you out now! (James opens the door.)

TLOTA:
About time! Hey Mike, Mathew! Glad you could make it! (James brotherly hugs Mike J and Mathew. Cut to a very heavily confused Team TLOTA and John Ross Santos shaking and sputtering)

John Ross Santos (Very Angry):
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE, JAMES! (Cut to James, Mike J & Mathew Buck)

Mathew Buck:
James let us know he was reviewing this movie weeks in advanced!

Mike J:
I’m just surprised you found something to like in it!

TLOTA:
Who said I did? (Cut to clips of “Spice World” as the song “Spice Up Your Life” by The Spice Girls plays as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
This movie is a turkey, no questions about it. The writing is bad, the acting is so over the top it is on the levels of Camp no one could match, It feels like this whole movie musically is just a reason to buy the first two albums again, Everything is just WRONG on levels not even known to man. Yet, somehow it works in the movie’s favor. Knowing you’re going into a bad movie may make it just bearable enough to find something good about it and I did. It’s never going to be Shakespeare, it’s a bad movie that’s so good it boomerangs back into bad territory, in a good way. If I were an adult with kids, I’d watch it with them with discretion but if I were a fan of cinema, I would be careful while watching because this Spice after all these years can bite you in places you can’t mention aloud! (Cut to everyone as John Ross Santos has the look of wanting to scream)

John Ross Santos:
Excuse me! (John walks into James’ office as John screams and a loud shattering sound is heard and everyone reacts with an inquisitive look on their faces. Cut to John as he has a look on his face that says, “I’m killing people, get out of my way!”) WHY CAN’T I BREAK YOUR DESK?! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Yeah, I got a never break table, lasts a long time and takes a lot of abuse and can never break! Guys calm him down!  (Cut to everyone else as they say “Alright” and walk off. Cut to James, Mike J & Mathew Buck)

Mike J:
So, what else did you have planned for us? (Cut to James as he has a smile on his face as it cuts to James, Mike J and Mathew Buck watching James’ Nieces play soccer and win it with seconds left on the clock and everyone cheers!) Now this is Football!

Mathew Buck:
They’re serving Chicken Tikka Masala for like Ten American Dollars a plate here!

TLOTA:
That’s why I like it here, High Quality Cuisine and sports that everyone likes! But I do have a question for you guys! What happened to the flaming bus wreckage from “Spice World”? (Mike J and Mathew Buck have a look as if to say, “Even we don’t know”. Cut to an Internet Troll played by Cody Slusher)

The Internet Troll:

And how freaking dare anyone bring up legitimate criticism about Doug Walker! That man is a saint and should be treated as such! You guys are salty because he's popular despite Change The Channel! All you are...(A Whistling sound is heard as The Internet Troll looks around) What's that noise?

(Cut to The Internet Troll as looks outside to see a huge pile of flaming Bus Debris comes his way)

The Internet Troll:
OH NO! IT’S FLAMING BUS DEBRIS! SAVE ME CHANNEL AWESOME! (A “Ting” noise is heard as a tweet from “Channel Awesome” is sent to The Internet Troll saying “You’re on your own and We’re sorry you feel that way”) OH NUT…(Cut to black as a loud explosion is heard)

Live To Win-Ter: "Cutting" it too close for comfort co-witten by Chris Lee Moore

(Scene starts as James straps on snowboarding gear and snowboarding down a mountain before cutting to John Santos, Mike Santos, Eric Kurtzke as they do curling Paulo Fonseca, Nick Yaun, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion as they hit the ice in Team USA Hockey gear before seeing Renee Miller and Rebecca Yaun in a two-person Bobsled careening through the course before seeing Olivia Horvath and Brenda Fonseca team up in pair of choreographed ice skating as they do a matching flying triple salchow and land next to everyone on top of the Olympic Podium as they all raise their Gold Medals before the raising of the American flag is seen and as the flag waves the words “Live To Win-Ter” is seen as 2:20-3:09 of “Live To Win” by Paul Stanley plays in the foreground before cutting to a first person perspective as a cloth is taken off before cutting to see James tied down and a spotlight is around him and a voice from out of nowhere says “Wakey Wakey James Faraci” before cutting to the first person perspective as James sees a face before cutting to James.)

TLOTA:

You? You’re her husband, aren’t you? (The man clenches his fist and backhand punches James in the face before cutting to James’ Captor Brendan Rooney.)

Brendan Rooney:

Yeah and every single little second you are out there doing your funny little reviews with your funny little sketches makes me sick! Knowing one day, you’ll turn your venom onto my wife. 

TLOTA:

Not on your life! (Brendan punches James in the ribs)

Brendan Rooney:

And do you know why? Because my wife’s birthday is coming soon, and I figured okay, what would she like more than spending the day with her family. Then it hit me, Your head over our mantlepiece! 

TLOTA: 

Wait, her birthday is coming soon? When?

Brendan Rooney:

A week or so away.

TLOTA:

“A week or so away”? AW CRAP I MISSED THE OLYMPICS!

Brendan Rooney:

That’s not the only thing you’ll miss. You can say goodbye to your friends, the few family who gives a rat’s ass about you and… (A knock comes from upstairs.) Excuse me for a moment. (Cut to Brendan Rooney at his front door before cutting to see Rowdy and Mike Jeavons on the front porch before cutting to see Brandon with a wicked grin then cutting to James, Mike J and Rowdy in the same predicament before cutting to Brendan Rooney looking at the three) Well, Well, Three Internet Reviewers lined up in a row. All three heading for the final blow! The one that ENDS all three of you! (Cut to Rowdy, Mike J & James Faraci)

Mike J:

AW BUGGER! This is all your fault.

Rowdy:

Cut me some slack, it was you who saw James’ face while you were in The John Wayne Airport. You called me and showed me Brendan’s face as well as James’ while he was knocked out!

TLOTA:

Guys? (Rowdy and Mike J continue to argue in banter as James says “Guys” repeatedly until James shouts “GUYS!” as the two are shocked into silence.) In case you numbskulls don’t know, our “Host” is planning on playing “Hassan CHOP!” with us for his wife’s birthday. Unless we can work together to get out of this predicament, the internet will be doing an “In Memoriam of…” for all three us! (Cut to Brendan Rooney with a DVD in his hand.)

Brendan Rooney:

Well since you three have time to kill before I kill you three, figure I’d give you something to watch. A piece of my wife’s work. It’ll be the last movie you three will ever see! (Brendan takes the disc out of it’s case and nearly takes James’ ear off with it and puts it in the Player before cutting to see the three look at the cover to see “The Cutting Edge: Going For The Gold” and the three groaning before cutting to the Title of “The Cutting Edge: Going For The Gold” and then cutting to clips of the movie as “We’ll Awaken” by Christy Romano plays in the foreground and Rowdy, James and Mike J do voiceovers.)

Mike J (Voiceover):

Well another crappy sequel to another somewhat successful movie that should’ve been just the one movie, but the producers decided to milk it for all it’s worth a mere fourteen years after the first movie came out!

Rowdy (Voiceover):

What surprised me is that they got Christy Romano to be in this. This was at the point when Christy’s career was changing. This could’ve been the first step towards something bigger but unfortunately this was her last stop before she faded into obscurity after Kim Possible ended.

TLOTA (Voiceover):

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but it looks like the both of you make honest points so in this case I’m the mediator in this review. Will this be a movie that will take the gold as the Olympic Champion or will it fall harder from grace than Tonya Harding? (Cut to Mike J, James and Rowdy physically)

TLOTA:

Let’s get right into it because if I can read that timer we’ve got little over two hours before our “Host” comes back and gives us the Haircut at the neck down!

Mike J:

“The Haircut at the neck down”? What do you mean by… Oh Now I get it. He’s gonna kill us, isn’t he?

Rowdy:

Way to take the drama out of the moment, Mike!

Mike J:

Piss off You Wanker!

TLOTA:

This is “The Cutting Edge: Going For The Gold”! (James tries to keep the two from trying to attack each other before cutting to the Movie as James, Mike J & Rowdy do voiceovers)

Mike J (Voiceover):

As the movie begins we’re introduced to Jacqueline Dorsey played by Christy Romano and her parents NOT played by Moira Kelly and D.B. Sweeny but instead are played by Scott Thompson Baker and Stepfanie Kramer in an Olympic Skating qualifier when tragedy strikes Jackie.

Rowdy (Voiceover):

After a few months in the hospital she discovers being down and out as long has left her unable to skate single again!

Mike J (Voiceover after scoffing):

Deja Bloody Vu! What happened to mummy happens to her daughter? Is there a curse on the Moseley-Dorsey family or this franchise?

TLOTA (Voiceover):

While you two figure that out, Jackie is forcibly made to take a vacation out onto the west coast. There she meets Alex played by Ross Thomas after losing her top and nearly getting this movie an R-Rating! Alex is a well-known Surfer and In-Line Skating figure but makes ends meet by being a Valet. 

Rowdy (Voiceover):

Wait a second, that guy next to Alex… is that? OH MY GOD IT’S DICK CASABLANCAS! ABANDON SHIP! IS THE HINDENBERG RINGING ANYONE’S BELLS?! (Cut to Mike J, James & Rowdy physically)

TLOTA:

Dude! Dude! DUDE! CHILL OUT! I get it you didn’t like Veronica Mars, but we’ve got more pressing matters at hand.

Mike J:

Exactly, like finishing this review.

Rowdy: 

Fine (Cut to the movie as James and Mike J do voiceovers.)

TLOTA(Voiceover):

Upset by what she felt was a deception. The two walk away angry hoping never to meet each other again. 

Mike J(Voiceover):

That is when Alex sees Jackie making an announcement that like her parents before her is going into Pairs Figure Skating. (Cut to Mike J, James and Rowdy physically)

Mike J:

Though from what I’ve heard there’s going to be a Men’s pair and a too close for natural comfort brother and sister pair! (James and Rowdy look at each other before they realize what Mike is talking about before cutting to the movie as James, Mike J & Rowdy do voiceovers)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

While Alex tries to get onto Jackie’s level of professional Ice Skating. Jackie has about as much luck as… 

Mike J & Rowdy (Voiceover in Unison):

STOP! (Cut to Mike J, James and Rowdy physically)

TLOTA:

Now what?

Mike J:

We had heard from your team that if somewhere in this review you’d mention something about either your professional and personal hatred of the Hollywood Cult…

Rowdy:

Or The problems you have with the New York Jets…

Mike J:

Or how much luck your personal life has or lack thereof.

Rowdy & Mike J (In Unison):

We must tell you to knock off your crap, we know it already! 

Rowdy: 

Though I wish they hadn’t had that one audition. (Show the guy as he auditions to a song about Booty before cutting to Mike J, James and Rowdy physically)

Rowdy:

That’s the one!

(A Door opens off-screen before cutting to Brendan Rooney at the doorway.)

Brendan Rooney:

I don’t know how you three are recording your review and doing all of this could you keep it down, our daughter is trying to take a nap, but if you insist on doing this, talk a little less loudly please and should you three decide to keep talking when the timer goes off, your deaths will be more painful than the sad and miserable existences you three live right now! (The Door closes before cutting to 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return to the review as it cuts to the movie as James, Mike J & Rowdy do voiceovers)

Mike J (Voiceover):

So after a ton of reluctance on Jackie’s part Alex and Jackie become partners. While Alex and Jackie lock horns during most of their practice sessions, seeing how much alike this duo is like Jackie’s parents Kate decides to do a bonding exercise with them by tying them up in a pair of matching bungee locked harnesses. (Show clip of Doug asking why they weren’t subjected to what their daughter and Alex are going through and Kate saying, “He was easier to train” before cutting to James, Mike and Rowdy as the three give a look that shows discomfort and go “UH!” in harmony before cutting to the movie as James, does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

After you try to forget that moment, the two are ready to compete becoming darlings of the Pairs Skating Circuit we get the usual awkward moments in which the couple go through the rough patch especially when Alex’s girlfriend played by Kim Kindrick comes into play and when Alex says in an interview he’s not sure where he and Jackie will be after the competition. Right as the two have a blow out before a qualifier for the Olympics. 

(Cut to Mike J, James and Rowdy physically)

Rowdy:

Isn’t that the way in most pairings like this? Though I wish they had done less of these types of blowouts during first half of the second act. The rest of the second act seems fine. (Muted audio of a group of people talking)

Mike J:

Are you thinking what I am?

TLOTA:

Take a wild guess! (The Three scream for help before the door opens off-screen before cutting to Brendan Rooney at the doorway.)

Brendan Rooney:

WILL YOU THREE KNOCK IT OFF! I know you three are desperate and running out of time but if you three don’t stop I’ll forget the time and kill you three quicker. (The door closes before cutting to the Movie as James, Mike J & Rowdy do voiceovers)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Speaking of the second half of the second half. Jackie realized quickly that she can’t do it alone and somehow convinces Alex to return just in time for one last qualifier for the Olympics in Chicago. After a quick moment in which Alex nearly dies from alcohol poisoning after a night of heavy drinking and Doug snaps him back into place and our happy couple ace the Olympic Qualifier earning their trip to Torino, Italy to be a part of the 2006 Winter Olympics!

Mike J (Voiceover):

But in such romantically awkward situations in these type of movies, Alex’s girlfriend joins them and announces their engagement. Making Jackie barely able to even pull out anything medal worthy and are barely passing by and Alex fails to figure it out why she’s stopped giving a flying cuppa tea. Finally, Doug decides to confront her daughter and tell her if she truly does love the guy she should grow a pair and tell the twat. Though it is kind of hard to tell someone how they feel when they haven’t even opened the bloody door to flipping hear it. 

Rowdy (Voiceover):

Alex, not being entirely rock stupid finally gets into his head that he loves Jackie and calls it quits with his girlfriend all the while Jackie and Alex have one last chance to impress the judges. Alex confesses his love to Jackie and the movie ends with Jackie reciprocating and it appears the two live happily ever after. (Cut to Mike J, James and Rowdy physically)

TLOTA:

And what is the fate of our happy couple? (Cut to a still image of the two from the cover of the movie as the losing horn from “The Price Is Right” plays and a Rubber stamp slams the words “Divorced” before cutting back to Mike J, James and Rowdy physically)

Mike J:

HA! I KNEW IT! I BLOODY WELL KNEW IT! THERE IS A CURSE AND IT SHOWS NOT ONLY IN THE QUALITY OF THESE BLOODY SEQUELS BUT ALSO IF IT ISN’T DOUG AND KATE AS THE MAIN COUPLE THEY’RE DOOMED TO FAIL! I KNOW I SAW THE OTHER TWO MOVIES! I WAS BLOODY RIGHT!

TLOTA & Rowdy (In Unison):

WILL YOU KNOCK IT OFF?!

 (A Door opens off-screen before cutting to Christy Romano at the doorway.)

Christy Romano:

What’s going on here? What are you doing here Faraci? (Cut to Mike J, James and Rowdy)

TLOTA:

Ask your husband!

Rowdy:

He thought bumping us off would somehow make you happy!

Mike J:

Or the very least, never seeing and hearing James ever again except for you to use as a decoration in which you can abuse to your content.

TLOTA & Rowdy (In Unison):

SHUT UP MIKE! (Cut to Christy Romano)

Christy Romano:

Well that does explain why James’ friends are in our living room. They felt something was wrong and thought someone I know, or he knows broke our truce. (Cut to Mike J, James and Rowdy)

Mike J:

Truce?

Rowdy:

What Truce?

TLOTA:

I stay away from her personally and or professionally unless something positive can happen to both of us. Suffice to say your husband forced me and my associates to watch your movie and suffice to say we have opinions. (Cut to clips of “Cutting Edge: Going For The Gold” as “We’ll Awaken” by Christy Romano plays in the foreground and Rowdy, James and Mike J do voiceovers.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

To me, this was one of your better movies outside of your work in Disney. I especially found myself interested in where your character was going in the story and the story itself was good and I enjoyed the artistry of the skating and the music was well enjoyable and for my money was worth watching.

Rowdy (Voiceover): 

Given the fact that this sequel was made fourteen years to make this sequel they really did their homework to keep continuity tight with the first which I have yet to see. This isn’t the worst film I’ve ever seen. Not that good, not that bad it’s just Meh for my taste. Jackie Dorsey had a competitive nature that seemed to fit this movie’s tone like a glove. If this were a stand-alone then it would’ve done a good job telling the story it had. Just wished there wasn’t two other sequels. Yeah Mike you made a good point about this franchise being Jinxed!

Mike J (Voiceover):

I was joking about this sequel and the two that followed it being cursed. I know why they didn’t deviate from the formula. If it wasn’t broken, then why bother to fix it to make it more engaging. Still if they strayed too much from the original the first time out, it may have alienated those who did see the original. I might not have been a fan of the original but there was some creativity. While this sequel and the others lack the heart and creativity of the original, there is something in the “So Bad It’s Good” category of movies. If you want to see it then by all means enjoy yourself in doing so. (Cut to Christy Romano physically after handing James his glasses and freeing all three of them)

Christy Romano:

Okay, first off, these belong to you. Secondly, who in the hell are your friends? (Cut to James, Mike J & Rowdy)

TLOTA:

That’s Rowdy, A big fan of your work as Kim Possible and the other guy is Mike J.

Rowdy:

A pleasure to meet you

Mike J:

Hello, I’m a British Person! (Cut to Christy Romano)

Christy Romano:

Kind of figured by the accent. (The door opens again and Brendan Rooney steps in)

Brendan Rooney:

Well, it looks like time is… (Cut to James, Rowdy and Mike J with Christy in front of them with the look of “Seriously?” before cutting to Brendan) uh-oh! (Cut to later as Team TLOTA, Rowdy and Mike J standing on the front porch.)

TLOTA:

Well, I hope this doesn’t… (Cut to Christy and a heavily beaten and bandaged Brendan Rooney)

Christy Romano:

We’re good. (Cut to later as Team TLOTA, Rowdy and Mike J standing on the front porch.)

TLOTA:

Well then, my best to you and your family.

Paulo Fonseca:

And thanks for letting us know that he was here.

Rebecca Yaun:

And for helping us understand what went down between the two of you.

TLOTA:

Wait, that’s what you guys were discussing?

Olivia Horvath:

Well that and the fact every now and then while we were talking I did follow Brendan to the basement.

John Santos:

That and the fact we heard your review of “Cutting Edge: Going For The Gold”

Mike Santos:

Seriously even the baby heard you.

Ed Champion:

I think the neighbors heard you.

Andrew Beach:

Also Mike J sent the photo to Rowdy and Rowdy sent the photo to us to analyze.

Renee Miller: 

We flew here.

Brenda Fonseca:

Stayed in the apartment me and my husband have here

Nick Yaun:

Had some fun, I mean looked for where Christy and Brendan were.

Eric Kurtzke:

Then we went through Trial and Error to see if Christy was in anyway involved in her husband’s plans. Once we believed the truth was found, everything else came into place.

TLOTA:

Cool. Well then, I guess the only thing left to say is Goodbye Christy. (Everyone else walks away before cutting to Christy Romano)

Christy Romano:

James, do you still think about? (Cut to James as he turns around and comes face to face to Christy)

TLOTA:

That chapter is over, you’ve got your happy ending. I’ll get mine, soon. Lord willing and the crick don’t rise. (James closes the door and walks away without an ounce of sadness or regret instead feeling a sense of closure as everything fades to black.)

Un "Mask"ing a bad sequel

(Opens with James stepping out of his room doing the dance Justin Hammer did in Iron Man 2 to "Pick Up The Pieces" by Average White Band as an interdimentional portal opens up and something hits James on the head.)

TLOTA: OW! What hit me? (Picks up object that hit James on the head.) Hmmm What's the...? "Son Of The Mask"?  Why do I have this foreboding feeling of fear as I hold this? Better let ORAC check it out. ORAC scan this for any information I need before I watch this. (ORAC Hums and beeps)

ORAC: According to information mainstream reviewers have negatively reviewed this. Recent Online reviews have backed this claim up.

TLOTA: Who of my internet brethren reviewed this?

ORAC: Mike J, The Nostalgia Critic and The Blockbuster Buster. I suggest precautions of getting bottles of Liquid I.Q. on stand by.

TLOTA: A Good idea ORAC. This one might hurt. (James closes door then a loud bloodcurdling scream is heard!)

(Music from the last seasons of the Original Run of American Gladiators play Speedy shot of James Faraci breaking through the American Flag, working out, fighting bad cinema, bad pop culture anything bad in the world with a picture of the White House appears in the background as Jack Swagger, Zeb Coulter and President Obama appear in the foreground as all three fall as James Faraci stands alone and tall and in Army text the words of The Last Of The Americans stand by his side)

(James' hand is shaking as he pulls himself up to grab an open bottle of Liquid I.Q. to which he gulps down in .000005 seconds and gasps and breathes heavily then proceeds to take a deep breath)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I'm about to express are that of my own and Hands down, No questions about it, a LOT of yours. Well, there's no Tiptoeing Through The Tulips on this one. "Son Of The Mask". Considered one of the worst family films of all time and for good reason. This takes everything that the first movie did and flushed it down the biggest toilets ever and of course let's take a little history behind the first movie so we know what kind of mess we're going to be in. The first movie was based on the Dark Horse Comic Book which was about a meek and milquetoast bank worker named Stanley Ipkiss who finds a mystical mask which unleashes his inhibitions. New Line Cinema purchased the rights to the Comic book and toned down the original content so that the movie starring Jim Carrey could be enjoyed by a wider audience and it was one of three films that came out that year to feature Carrey and was one of the big hits of that he had that year along with Ace Ventura: Pet Detective & Dumb & Dumber. The Mask also marked the debut of Cameron Diaz and since it was a huge hit a sequel was inevitable. But through countless delays and rewrites only one person came back to reprise his role. So they went into the direction it went in, straight down that toilet I said earlier. Don't believe me, well, if I have to suffer through this, I'M TAKING ALL OF YOU WITH ME! PLAY IT ORAC!   So we start off in Edge City where the first one took place it's there we see the only person who came back Ben Stein as Dr. Neuman who is showing off an exhibit on Norse Mythology. He eventually gets to the mythos of Loki and his mask and how Odin banished Loki for his crimes against humanity and buried way deep in the earth!

Loki: HE DID NOT! (James jumps out of his chair scared screaming Jesus Christ! and goes through the roof!)

TLOTA: Yes folks you're seeing correctly, Alan Cummings as Loki and I don't want to hear any comparisons between him and Tom Hiddleston's performance in both "THOR" or "The Avengers" because it was a totally different version of Loki altogether!

ORAC: Alert! Incoming cameo appearance!

TLOTA: Patch whoever it is through. (Static clears up to reveal Mike J from shameless sequels)

Mike J: I say there chap, stop this right now! I must insist.

TLOTA: Mike J from Shameless Sequels?

Mike J: That's right and I am a British Person and there is no need for you to review it, I have done so and gave it a sound thrashing.

TLOTA: Okay Mike, it landed on me, literally, and now I have to review it.

Mike J:  You damned soul!

TLOTA: No disagreement here, but as you would say PISS OFF!

Mike J: Very well then(walks off and mutters Wanker).

TLOTA: Loki has come for the mask when he discovers that it's a fake and then...(Loki magically removes Dr. Neuman's face.) Yes, you saw it as much as I did. One of many moments that will have you saying to yourself "What The Fuck Did I Just See?" and we eventually find the mask 270 miles southwest of Edge City in Fringe City which looks exactly like Edge City. Why not keep it in Edge City? Oh Well, we've got our new owners of the Mask to deal with Tim, played by Jamie "Warning Sign Number One this movie is going to be bad" Kennedy and Tonya played by Traylor "I Thank my lucky stars the Producers of "Monk" didn't watch this movie" Howard. They're meeting with some of Tonya's relatives who are wondering when Tim & Tonya are going to have their own bundle of joy which leads to another (Pic of James in a straight jacket with a demented smile on his face and the words "What The Fuck Did I Just See?") "What The Fuck Did I Just See? Moment" as Tim has a fantasy of his wife giving birth to Multiple Children and thanks to the ever annoying wide angle lens it's disturbing factor is multiplied a hundred billion fold. But as the two disagree about whether or not to have kids we see that the dog has found the mask and (Zooming Segway to Valhalla)

Odin: LOOOOOOOOKIIIIIIIIIIIII (James jumps out of his chair scared screaming Jesus Christ Not Again! and goes through the roof again!)

TLOTA: Yes that is Bob "I'll always be remembered for the movies I made from "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" to "Hook" Hoskins as The Norse All father Odin. Who has tried to keep Loki on task to find the mask. Meanwhile we find out Tim works at an Animation Studio run by Steven Wright as part of the tour when he wants to work for the studio as an cartoon creator. Wait a second! Steven Wright?! He's about as energetic to run an Animation Studio as much as TMZ is fit to be considered real journalism! You know what, Screw it I'm going off on a tangent. FUCK TMZ! I SWEAR TMZ IS SATAN'S HORSE'S ASSHOLE, EVERYTIME YOU WATCH IT SATAN FUCKING RAPES A LEGENDARY NEWSREPORTER! THEY ARE NOT REAL NEWS AND YOUNG JOURNALISTIC MAJORS WHO KNOW THAT WATCH THIS TO LAUGH AT THE SHEER STUPIDITY THAT COME OUT OF THESE FUCKNUTS! NOBODY WITH TWO BRAIN CELLS GIVES A FUCK ABOUT KIM KARDASHIAN OR ANY OF THE CELEBRITIES THEY COVER! FUCK TMZ! Sorry not a fan of the show. But an ass kisser seems to block him at any and every point. But at the Halloween party Tim takes the mask and one sanity tormenting moment later we get another (Pic of James in a straight jacket with a demented smile on his face and the words "What The Fuck Did I Just See?") "What The Fuck Did I Just See? Moment" as Tim who now looks like a mix between Conan O'Brian and Slimer from The Real Ghostbusters gives us the worst musical montage ever after that The Mutant Archie goes home and ("OH SWEET MYSTERY OF LIFE AT LAST I FOUND YOU!" song from ending of "Young Frankenstein" plays) THAT! The next morning the boss of Studio likes what Tim did despite what normal people would think of as torture as equal as what happened at Guantanamo Bay and gives him a chance to turn what he did into a cartoon and by plot convenience Tonya is Pregnant and the Side effects of such actions include THE weirdest Pregnancy cravings and the most disturbing pregnancy since Bella's in The Twilight Saga and of course the big day comes when we see the little spawn and naturally as anyone with REAL common sense would when the discovered Jamie Kennedy is their dad the baby cries and (Zooming cutaway to baby's crying  mouth) TIME OUT! (Ratcheting sound effects as James bolts himself down into his seat) Okay Odin TIME IN! (Zooming cutaway to Odin's good eye)

Odin: LOOOOOKIIIIIIII! THERE HAS BEEN A CHILD BORN OF THE MASK!

TLOTA: HA! I heard you coming a mile away Odin!

ORAC: ALERT! Incoming cameo appearance!

TLOTA: Patch whoever it is through while I get these shackles off. (Static breaks to find The Nostalgia Critic)

Nostalgia Critic: GET OUT! GET OUT NOW! THERE'S STILL TIME!

TLOTA: Nostalgia Critic?

Nostalgia Critic: This movie is the most horrific thing on the planet! "Son Of The Mask" was forged by the Dark Lord himself.

TLOTA: The Hollywood exec who keeps giving Shia LaBeouf a chance to be on the Big Screen?

Nostalgia Critic: NO! SATAN!

TLOTA: Oh Shia LaBeouf's dad! Anyway I am going to finish this review and I am getting through this

Nostalgia Critic: You're insane! INSANE!

TLOTA: GET OUTTA HERE!

Nostalgia Critic: Your Funeral!

TLOTA: I hope this is the last interruption until after the commercial break. Which won't be for a while. So while Odin tells Loki about the baby. The baby discovers his powers a few months after his birth and...(Baby Alvey blows his head up like a balloon) This has been another (Pic of James in a straight jacket with a demented smile on his face and the words "What The Fuck Did I Just See?") "What The Fuck Did I Just See? Moment" anyhow that helps set into motion a subplot about the dog wanting to kill the baby. Meanwhile Loki goes to the hospital as a mix between Ectoplasm and the Honey Nut Cheerios bee and finds a list of people who gave birth along with Tim & Tonya. Meanwhile Tonya has to go away for the week to deal with her job and Alvey is now stuck with Jamie Kennedy. I'm going to go ahead and call Child Services especially after this! (The Baby sings Hello My Baby, Hello my honey, Hello my ragtime gal from Michigan J. Frog's cartoon and in the middle of this James has the most confused look on his face and as the song ends James stands up)

TLOTA: CHECK PLEASE! (The baby goes into super crazy mode bouncing all around giving James a case of whiplash until the footage has a gigantic TILT sign over it and the movie falls apart, literally and James Falls down.) ORAC! Ready another bottle of Liquid I.Q. and The Commercial break! (ORAC Sighs)

ORAC: It's going to be one of those times...
(Commercial Sting going out with of the American Gladiators first run's final season's ten seconds theme with James Standing next to Army Text saying The Last Of The Americans. Then same commercial sting takes us back to the review.)

(James Chugging down another bottle of Liquid I.Q. and gasps for air as he regains his structure.)

TLOTA: I'm fine everyone, nothing to worry about That was another (Pic of James in a straight jacket with a demented smile on his face and the words "What The Fuck Did I Just See?") "What The Fuck Did I Just See? Moment". So after that Loki goes from house to house disguising himself until...

Loki(Disguised as a Girl Scout): Would you like some Thin Chocolates? (James has disturbed look on his face at the image of Loki dressed as a girl scout.)

TLOTA: ORAC?! Ready another case of this! (James pulls a bottle of Liquid I.Q. and opens it and guzzles it down.)

ORAC: Consider it done. ALERT! Incoming cameo appearance!

TLOTA: Put whoever it is through. (Static breaking through to see The Blockbuster Buster)

The Blockbuster Buster: GET AWAY! GET AWAY! YOU CAN'T DO THIS AND STAY SANE!

TLOTA: The Blockbuster Buster?

The Blockbuster Buster: No movie is worth getting in league with myself and....(Looks at the copy of "Son Of The Mask") Where did you get that copy of "Son Of The Mask"? And are you reviewing it now?!

TLOTA: To answer your questions this fell out of an interdimentional portal & yes I am reviewing it.

The Blockbuster Buster: Oh no, OOH NO! THAT'S THE COPY I CURSED! SEE YA, I'M GOING TO CHURCH TO PRAY FOR THE REPOSE OF YOUR SOUL!

TLOTA: I'm going to hell in a hand basket & I'm going to be on an eternal tandem boat ride on the River Styx with Hitler and my father!

The Blockbuster Buster: It couldn't hurt your chances to get to heaven. (Blockbuster Buster runs away at warp speed.)

TLOTA: So while the baby continues to drive his father cuckoo for cocoa puffs. The dog plans to kill the baby and since the baby is imbued with the powers of The Mask and The Dog has The Mask the dog's plan goes up in smoke and as many point out the CGI for both the dog & baby is horrendous! After a very terrible Pee joke Loki finally catches up to Tim & The baby and as Loki thinks it's another bust. Tim decides to take the baby to the pediatrician and then to an exorcist. After spewing Ecto-Cooler Loki follows Tim & The baby. Standing up to the Norse god of mischief earns brownie points for the kid and The baby decides to protect his dad and as Loki is about to incinerate the two of them when..

Odin(Possessing Tim): LOOOOKIIIII!  (James jumps out of his chair scared screaming Jesus Christ Not Again! and goes through the roof again! James saying This is not my day after going through the roof) You are here by stripped of your immortal powers and forever banished to the realm of  mortals!

TLOTA: So Odin strips Loki's powers from him and wouldn't you know it's time for Tim to pitch the show which goes about as well as a Stoner who just got baked trying to pass a drug test and is fired. Meanwhile Loki summons Odin in the Baby's room and gets an hour long reprieve and gets his powers back for the hour. After that Loki warps Tim's reality by disguising himself as both the baby and then Tonya. Loki then takes the kid as insurance to get the mask back within the hour just as Tonya actually comes home and still not sure which way is up and which is down Tim gives Tonya a smack down. Eventually discovering that it's really Tonya, Tim tells Tonya about what the flying fuck just happened while Traylor was out auditioning for Monk hoping she'll get the role of Natalie Teeger before "Son Of The Mask" hit the theaters. Eventually The Dog forks over the mask and Tim & Tonya get there and wouldn't you know it in the short amount of time together Loki likes the kid and decides to take him which of course negates the deal and Tim becomes the Mask for the second time. The two get to an arena to fight it out for the kid for a while and then the two realize they're evenly matched so it's up to the baby to choose between the two.

Loki: Come here ya little hell spawn

Tim(In The Mask): Alvey, I'm your real dad!

Darth Vader: No Alvey, I am your father.

TLOTA: What the...? GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE VADER!

Darth Vader: Okay.

ORAC: ALERT! Incoming cameo appearance!

TLOTA: This better be worth it patch it through! (Static breaks to see the Rowdy Reviewer)

Rowdy: STOP! GET OUT THERE'S STILL TIME!

TLOTA: ROWDY?!

Rowdy: YOU CAN'T SURVIVE THIS, THIS IS WORSE THEN WHEN LAURINITIS RAN...

TLOTA: Stop right there, I'm nearly done with the review and mention that company in my presence again and I'm going to finish it!

Rowdy: NO! NOT WITH YOUR LIMITED AMOUNT OF LIQUID I.Q. WILL YOU SURVIVE SHASTA McNASTY!

TLOTA: Shasta McNasty? Shasta McNasty?! I'm not reviewing that garbage!

Rowdy: Whew, that's a relief, so what are you reviewing?

TLOTA: Son Of The Mask.

(Rowdy shouts a blood curdling scream as he runs through the walls in his apartment and The Wrestling Mark pops up from the opposite direction of the way Rowdy ran)

The Wrestling Mark: Well, there goes the security deposit.

TLOTA: So the CGI mouth of the baby chooses Tim. Odin comes from Valhalla to bask in Loki's failure but to his surprise Tim stands up to him hands Loki the mask to hand to Odin and Both Loki and Odin return to Valhalla. Tim proposes his idea of having a baby and a dog vying for a dad's attention and the movie comes mercifully to an end. THANK YOU WHOEVER CARES ABOUT  ME! THIS WAS ONE OF THE WORSE! Taking away the fact it's the second worse Carrey-less sequel everything about this was dark and demented and far removed from what made the first film a success and for my money the only good Carrey-less sequel is Evan Almighty which is not saying much and there is only one way to enjoy this. HULK! (Incredible Hulk does his turning pose from "The Avengers, James hold out the copy of Son Of The Mask) SMASH! (Hulk smiles, Takes copy of Son Of The Mask and Pwns it like he did to Loki in Marvel's The Avengers and Hulk says "Puny God" after leaving the shattered remains of "Son Of The Mask") THAT WAY! I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans & that's my opinion!