(Scene starts as James straps on snowboarding gear and snowboarding down a mountain before cutting to John Santos, Mike Santos, Eric Kurtzke as they do curling Paulo Fonseca, Nick Yaun, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion as they hit the ice in Team USA Hockey gear before seeing Renee Miller and Rebecca Yaun in a two-person Bobsled careening through the course before seeing Olivia Horvath and Brenda Fonseca team up in pair of choreographed ice skating as they do a matching flying triple salchow and land next to everyone on top of the Olympic Podium as they all raise their Gold Medals before the raising of the American flag is seen and as the flag waves the words “Live To Win-Ter” is seen as 2:20-3:09 of “Live To Win” by Paul Stanley plays in the foreground before cutting to a first person perspective as a cloth is taken off before cutting to see James tied down and a spotlight is around him and a voice from out of nowhere says “Wakey Wakey James Faraci” before cutting to the first person perspective as James sees a face before cutting to James.)
TLOTA:
You? You’re her husband, aren’t you? (The man clenches his fist and backhand punches James in the face before cutting to James’ Captor Brendan Rooney.)
Brendan Rooney:
Yeah and every single little second you are out there doing your funny little reviews with your funny little sketches makes me sick! Knowing one day, you’ll turn your venom onto my wife.
TLOTA:
Not on your life! (Brendan punches James in the ribs)
Brendan Rooney:
And do you know why? Because my wife’s birthday is coming soon, and I figured okay, what would she like more than spending the day with her family. Then it hit me, Your head over our mantlepiece!
TLOTA:
Wait, her birthday is coming soon? When?
Brendan Rooney:
A week or so away.
TLOTA:
“A week or so away”? AW CRAP I MISSED THE OLYMPICS!
Brendan Rooney:
That’s not the only thing you’ll miss. You can say goodbye to your friends, the few family who gives a rat’s ass about you and… (A knock comes from upstairs.) Excuse me for a moment. (Cut to Brendan Rooney at his front door before cutting to see Rowdy and Mike Jeavons on the front porch before cutting to see Brandon with a wicked grin then cutting to James, Mike J and Rowdy in the same predicament before cutting to Brendan Rooney looking at the three) Well, Well, Three Internet Reviewers lined up in a row. All three heading for the final blow! The one that ENDS all three of you! (Cut to Rowdy, Mike J & James Faraci)
Mike J:
AW BUGGER! This is all your fault.
Rowdy:
Cut me some slack, it was you who saw James’ face while you were in The John Wayne Airport. You called me and showed me Brendan’s face as well as James’ while he was knocked out!
TLOTA:
Guys? (Rowdy and Mike J continue to argue in banter as James says “Guys” repeatedly until James shouts “GUYS!” as the two are shocked into silence.) In case you numbskulls don’t know, our “Host” is planning on playing “Hassan CHOP!” with us for his wife’s birthday. Unless we can work together to get out of this predicament, the internet will be doing an “In Memoriam of…” for all three us! (Cut to Brendan Rooney with a DVD in his hand.)
Brendan Rooney:
Well since you three have time to kill before I kill you three, figure I’d give you something to watch. A piece of my wife’s work. It’ll be the last movie you three will ever see! (Brendan takes the disc out of it’s case and nearly takes James’ ear off with it and puts it in the Player before cutting to see the three look at the cover to see “The Cutting Edge: Going For The Gold” and the three groaning before cutting to the Title of “The Cutting Edge: Going For The Gold” and then cutting to clips of the movie as “We’ll Awaken” by Christy Romano plays in the foreground and Rowdy, James and Mike J do voiceovers.)
Mike J (Voiceover):
Well another crappy sequel to another somewhat successful movie that should’ve been just the one movie, but the producers decided to milk it for all it’s worth a mere fourteen years after the first movie came out!
Rowdy (Voiceover):
What surprised me is that they got Christy Romano to be in this. This was at the point when Christy’s career was changing. This could’ve been the first step towards something bigger but unfortunately this was her last stop before she faded into obscurity after Kim Possible ended.
TLOTA (Voiceover):
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but it looks like the both of you make honest points so in this case I’m the mediator in this review. Will this be a movie that will take the gold as the Olympic Champion or will it fall harder from grace than Tonya Harding? (Cut to Mike J, James and Rowdy physically)
TLOTA:
Let’s get right into it because if I can read that timer we’ve got little over two hours before our “Host” comes back and gives us the Haircut at the neck down!
Mike J:
“The Haircut at the neck down”? What do you mean by… Oh Now I get it. He’s gonna kill us, isn’t he?
Rowdy:
Way to take the drama out of the moment, Mike!
Mike J:
Piss off You Wanker!
TLOTA:
This is “The Cutting Edge: Going For The Gold”! (James tries to keep the two from trying to attack each other before cutting to the Movie as James, Mike J & Rowdy do voiceovers)
Mike J (Voiceover):
As the movie begins we’re introduced to Jacqueline Dorsey played by Christy Romano and her parents NOT played by Moira Kelly and D.B. Sweeny but instead are played by Scott Thompson Baker and Stepfanie Kramer in an Olympic Skating qualifier when tragedy strikes Jackie.
Rowdy (Voiceover):
After a few months in the hospital she discovers being down and out as long has left her unable to skate single again!
Mike J (Voiceover after scoffing):
Deja Bloody Vu! What happened to mummy happens to her daughter? Is there a curse on the Moseley-Dorsey family or this franchise?
TLOTA (Voiceover):
While you two figure that out, Jackie is forcibly made to take a vacation out onto the west coast. There she meets Alex played by Ross Thomas after losing her top and nearly getting this movie an R-Rating! Alex is a well-known Surfer and In-Line Skating figure but makes ends meet by being a Valet.
Rowdy (Voiceover):
Wait a second, that guy next to Alex… is that? OH MY GOD IT’S DICK CASABLANCAS! ABANDON SHIP! IS THE HINDENBERG RINGING ANYONE’S BELLS?! (Cut to Mike J, James & Rowdy physically)
TLOTA:
Dude! Dude! DUDE! CHILL OUT! I get it you didn’t like Veronica Mars, but we’ve got more pressing matters at hand.
Mike J:
Exactly, like finishing this review.
Rowdy:
Fine (Cut to the movie as James and Mike J do voiceovers.)
TLOTA(Voiceover):
Upset by what she felt was a deception. The two walk away angry hoping never to meet each other again.
Mike J(Voiceover):
That is when Alex sees Jackie making an announcement that like her parents before her is going into Pairs Figure Skating. (Cut to Mike J, James and Rowdy physically)
Mike J:
Though from what I’ve heard there’s going to be a Men’s pair and a too close for natural comfort brother and sister pair! (James and Rowdy look at each other before they realize what Mike is talking about before cutting to the movie as James, Mike J & Rowdy do voiceovers)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
While Alex tries to get onto Jackie’s level of professional Ice Skating. Jackie has about as much luck as…
Mike J & Rowdy (Voiceover in Unison):
STOP! (Cut to Mike J, James and Rowdy physically)
TLOTA:
Now what?
Mike J:
We had heard from your team that if somewhere in this review you’d mention something about either your professional and personal hatred of the Hollywood Cult…
Rowdy:
Or The problems you have with the New York Jets…
Mike J:
Or how much luck your personal life has or lack thereof.
Rowdy & Mike J (In Unison):
We must tell you to knock off your crap, we know it already!
Rowdy:
Though I wish they hadn’t had that one audition. (Show the guy as he auditions to a song about Booty before cutting to Mike J, James and Rowdy physically)
Rowdy:
That’s the one!
(A Door opens off-screen before cutting to Brendan Rooney at the doorway.)
Brendan Rooney:
I don’t know how you three are recording your review and doing all of this could you keep it down, our daughter is trying to take a nap, but if you insist on doing this, talk a little less loudly please and should you three decide to keep talking when the timer goes off, your deaths will be more painful than the sad and miserable existences you three live right now! (The Door closes before cutting to 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return to the review as it cuts to the movie as James, Mike J & Rowdy do voiceovers)
Mike J (Voiceover):
So after a ton of reluctance on Jackie’s part Alex and Jackie become partners. While Alex and Jackie lock horns during most of their practice sessions, seeing how much alike this duo is like Jackie’s parents Kate decides to do a bonding exercise with them by tying them up in a pair of matching bungee locked harnesses. (Show clip of Doug asking why they weren’t subjected to what their daughter and Alex are going through and Kate saying, “He was easier to train” before cutting to James, Mike and Rowdy as the three give a look that shows discomfort and go “UH!” in harmony before cutting to the movie as James, does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
After you try to forget that moment, the two are ready to compete becoming darlings of the Pairs Skating Circuit we get the usual awkward moments in which the couple go through the rough patch especially when Alex’s girlfriend played by Kim Kindrick comes into play and when Alex says in an interview he’s not sure where he and Jackie will be after the competition. Right as the two have a blow out before a qualifier for the Olympics.
(Cut to Mike J, James and Rowdy physically)
Rowdy:
Isn’t that the way in most pairings like this? Though I wish they had done less of these types of blowouts during first half of the second act. The rest of the second act seems fine. (Muted audio of a group of people talking)
Mike J:
Are you thinking what I am?
TLOTA:
Take a wild guess! (The Three scream for help before the door opens off-screen before cutting to Brendan Rooney at the doorway.)
Brendan Rooney:
WILL YOU THREE KNOCK IT OFF! I know you three are desperate and running out of time but if you three don’t stop I’ll forget the time and kill you three quicker. (The door closes before cutting to the Movie as James, Mike J & Rowdy do voiceovers)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Speaking of the second half of the second half. Jackie realized quickly that she can’t do it alone and somehow convinces Alex to return just in time for one last qualifier for the Olympics in Chicago. After a quick moment in which Alex nearly dies from alcohol poisoning after a night of heavy drinking and Doug snaps him back into place and our happy couple ace the Olympic Qualifier earning their trip to Torino, Italy to be a part of the 2006 Winter Olympics!
Mike J (Voiceover):
But in such romantically awkward situations in these type of movies, Alex’s girlfriend joins them and announces their engagement. Making Jackie barely able to even pull out anything medal worthy and are barely passing by and Alex fails to figure it out why she’s stopped giving a flying cuppa tea. Finally, Doug decides to confront her daughter and tell her if she truly does love the guy she should grow a pair and tell the twat. Though it is kind of hard to tell someone how they feel when they haven’t even opened the bloody door to flipping hear it.
Rowdy (Voiceover):
Alex, not being entirely rock stupid finally gets into his head that he loves Jackie and calls it quits with his girlfriend all the while Jackie and Alex have one last chance to impress the judges. Alex confesses his love to Jackie and the movie ends with Jackie reciprocating and it appears the two live happily ever after. (Cut to Mike J, James and Rowdy physically)
TLOTA:
And what is the fate of our happy couple? (Cut to a still image of the two from the cover of the movie as the losing horn from “The Price Is Right” plays and a Rubber stamp slams the words “Divorced” before cutting back to Mike J, James and Rowdy physically)
Mike J:
HA! I KNEW IT! I BLOODY WELL KNEW IT! THERE IS A CURSE AND IT SHOWS NOT ONLY IN THE QUALITY OF THESE BLOODY SEQUELS BUT ALSO IF IT ISN’T DOUG AND KATE AS THE MAIN COUPLE THEY’RE DOOMED TO FAIL! I KNOW I SAW THE OTHER TWO MOVIES! I WAS BLOODY RIGHT!
TLOTA & Rowdy (In Unison):
WILL YOU KNOCK IT OFF?!
(A Door opens off-screen before cutting to Christy Romano at the doorway.)
Christy Romano:
What’s going on here? What are you doing here Faraci? (Cut to Mike J, James and Rowdy)
TLOTA:
Ask your husband!
Rowdy:
He thought bumping us off would somehow make you happy!
Mike J:
Or the very least, never seeing and hearing James ever again except for you to use as a decoration in which you can abuse to your content.
TLOTA & Rowdy (In Unison):
SHUT UP MIKE! (Cut to Christy Romano)
Christy Romano:
Well that does explain why James’ friends are in our living room. They felt something was wrong and thought someone I know, or he knows broke our truce. (Cut to Mike J, James and Rowdy)
Mike J:
Truce?
Rowdy:
What Truce?
TLOTA:
I stay away from her personally and or professionally unless something positive can happen to both of us. Suffice to say your husband forced me and my associates to watch your movie and suffice to say we have opinions. (Cut to clips of “Cutting Edge: Going For The Gold” as “We’ll Awaken” by Christy Romano plays in the foreground and Rowdy, James and Mike J do voiceovers.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
To me, this was one of your better movies outside of your work in Disney. I especially found myself interested in where your character was going in the story and the story itself was good and I enjoyed the artistry of the skating and the music was well enjoyable and for my money was worth watching.
Rowdy (Voiceover):
Given the fact that this sequel was made fourteen years to make this sequel they really did their homework to keep continuity tight with the first which I have yet to see. This isn’t the worst film I’ve ever seen. Not that good, not that bad it’s just Meh for my taste. Jackie Dorsey had a competitive nature that seemed to fit this movie’s tone like a glove. If this were a stand-alone then it would’ve done a good job telling the story it had. Just wished there wasn’t two other sequels. Yeah Mike you made a good point about this franchise being Jinxed!
Mike J (Voiceover):
I was joking about this sequel and the two that followed it being cursed. I know why they didn’t deviate from the formula. If it wasn’t broken, then why bother to fix it to make it more engaging. Still if they strayed too much from the original the first time out, it may have alienated those who did see the original. I might not have been a fan of the original but there was some creativity. While this sequel and the others lack the heart and creativity of the original, there is something in the “So Bad It’s Good” category of movies. If you want to see it then by all means enjoy yourself in doing so. (Cut to Christy Romano physically after handing James his glasses and freeing all three of them)
Christy Romano:
Okay, first off, these belong to you. Secondly, who in the hell are your friends? (Cut to James, Mike J & Rowdy)
TLOTA:
That’s Rowdy, A big fan of your work as Kim Possible and the other guy is Mike J.
Rowdy:
A pleasure to meet you
Mike J:
Hello, I’m a British Person! (Cut to Christy Romano)
Christy Romano:
Kind of figured by the accent. (The door opens again and Brendan Rooney steps in)
Brendan Rooney:
Well, it looks like time is… (Cut to James, Rowdy and Mike J with Christy in front of them with the look of “Seriously?” before cutting to Brendan) uh-oh! (Cut to later as Team TLOTA, Rowdy and Mike J standing on the front porch.)
TLOTA:
Well, I hope this doesn’t… (Cut to Christy and a heavily beaten and bandaged Brendan Rooney)
Christy Romano:
We’re good. (Cut to later as Team TLOTA, Rowdy and Mike J standing on the front porch.)
TLOTA:
Well then, my best to you and your family.
Paulo Fonseca:
And thanks for letting us know that he was here.
Rebecca Yaun:
And for helping us understand what went down between the two of you.
TLOTA:
Wait, that’s what you guys were discussing?
Olivia Horvath:
Well that and the fact every now and then while we were talking I did follow Brendan to the basement.
John Santos:
That and the fact we heard your review of “Cutting Edge: Going For The Gold”
Mike Santos:
Seriously even the baby heard you.
Ed Champion:
I think the neighbors heard you.
Andrew Beach:
Also Mike J sent the photo to Rowdy and Rowdy sent the photo to us to analyze.
Renee Miller:
We flew here.
Brenda Fonseca:
Stayed in the apartment me and my husband have here
Nick Yaun:
Had some fun, I mean looked for where Christy and Brendan were.
Eric Kurtzke:
Then we went through Trial and Error to see if Christy was in anyway involved in her husband’s plans. Once we believed the truth was found, everything else came into place.
TLOTA:
Cool. Well then, I guess the only thing left to say is Goodbye Christy. (Everyone else walks away before cutting to Christy Romano)
Christy Romano:
James, do you still think about? (Cut to James as he turns around and comes face to face to Christy)
TLOTA:
That chapter is over, you’ve got your happy ending. I’ll get mine, soon. Lord willing and the crick don’t rise. (James closes the door and walks away without an ounce of sadness or regret instead feeling a sense of closure as everything fades to black.)
No comments:
Post a Comment