(The opening text of A Long Time Ago in a Theater far, far
away appears then cuts to the words “The Last Of The Americans” in Star Wars
Font style Text as it goes into the starry background the words “Episode LXXVIII”
And under that is the words “The Force Analyzed” then in text the first verse
is seen “The Force Awakens revived the Star Wars Franchise. James Faraci The
Last Of The Americans and Eliza Dushku decide to check it out for James’
birthday. But as the two walk away from the theater the two are captured by the
second in command of the new World order Highlo Bet as they are warped to
another part of the galaxy they find a group of rebels as they have obtained
the plans to the new World order’s most powerful weapon”. Then the second verse
is seen “But all the while with the approval of the republic, A rebellion fleet
led by a legend in the days of the old War is sent to find out what had
happened and to see if they can find the plans to the new World order’s most
powerful weapon.” Then the third verse is seen “The fate of the new World order
and the galaxy and the Star Wars now rest in the hands of a few in order to
save us all.” Before cutting to a Super Star destroyer then to the bridge of
the Super Star Destroyer where Highlo Bet played by Paulo Fonseca stands
looking as fire colored lens flares are engulfing the front windows as James
& Eliza are being forcibly brought to him with General Nux played by Nick
Yaun.)
Gen. Nux: Lord Bet, I believe these are the two you called
upon.
Highlo Bet: Yes, do you have their weapons?
Gen. Nux: Yes, my lord.
Highlo Bet: So the two of you are the last to see “Star
Wars: The Force Awakens” and you (Cuts to James being forcibly flung to Highlo
Bet and then made to kneel.) From what intelligence has gathered you are an
Internet Reviewer, so tell me honestly, what did you think of “The Force
Awakens”? And What Is your Associate saying?
TLOTA (Grunting while talking): You want to know? Simple
DELTA… (Cut to the Sonic Screwdrivers powering up before cutting to Eliza Dushku)
Eliza Dushku: LEVEL… (Cut to the bottom of James’ boots as
he clicks to reveal repulsar jet exhaust vents before cutting to James)
TLOTA (Grunting while talking): DEFENSE! (The Sonic
Screwdrivers emit an electrical pulse that knock out everyone save for James
who blast jumps off of Highlo Bet and Eliza Dushku who kicks out of the grasp
of the new World order Stormtrooper and rolls out of the way. The Song “Up The
Shard” from the 0:00 through the 1:31 mark by Murray Gold plays in the
background as James grabs the Sonic Screwdrivers as he and Eliza run throughout
the Super Star Destroyer eventually meeting up with Jol Methadone played by
John Santos & Tenn played by Nicholas Markin over a large vent over the
hangar bay.)
TLOTA & Eliza Dushku: Howdy!
Jol & Tenn: Hello. (The four try to shake hands but are
interrupted as a laser blast hits the wall as they cut to a first person
perspective to see that they’re surrounded by troopers of the new World order.)
TLOTA (Audio only): Great! Surrounded by Bowling pins who
can’t shoot worth a damn and our only way out is down. (Cut to the four back to
back)
TLOTA: Anybody got an idea or a reasonable facsimile of one
thereof?
Eliza Dushku: I do! (Eliza Dushku pulls out her Sonic
Screwdriver and aims it at the corners of the panel.) Everyone get ready to
fall! (The four fall out of frame as it cuts to see the four fall through a
vent as James notices that the other vent opening is closed and pulls out his
Sonic Screwdriver to remedy the situation. As the scene cuts to the four slam
falling into the hangar bay.)
Tenn: This way. (The four find a TIE fighter and James looks
to the left of the TIE fighter)
TLOTA: Never thought I’d be glad to see this. (The two
groups run as the scene cuts to James’ Time Space Device going with a TIE
Fighter as Tenn & Jol in the cockpit of the stolen TIE Fighter contacts
James and Eliza)
Jol Methadone: Hey Guys…! (Cut to James and Eliza in James’
Time Space device trying to outfly the enemy TIE Fighter)
TLOTA & Eliza: WE SEE IT! WE SEE IT! (Scene cuts to the
TIE Fighter taking down Tenn’s fighter which knocks James Time Space Device
into a spinning crash into a planet and the audio of James and Eliza scream as
they crash land onto a desert and in a distance we see Tenn’s fighter land far
away from them as the scene cuts to inside of James’ time space device which
has fallen into disrepair)
TLOTA: ORAC! What happened?
ORAC (Audio only): We have crashed onto the planet KaKu! In
addition, we do not have enough power for a trip back to earth for all of us.
TLOTA: Where’s the survival packs?
ORAC (Audio only): Under the main console. (James grabs two
survival packs and James grabs Eliza Dushku escaping James’ Time Space Device
as it dematerializes leaving the two in the middle of a sand dune as they hear
an explosion in the background and Eliza wakes up groaning)
Eliza Dushku: Where are we?
TLOTA: Well, If there's a bright center to the universe, we're
on the planet that it's farthest from. According to ORAC we’re on the planet
Kaku.
Eliza Dushku: Really, Where’s ORAC and your Time and Space
Device now.
TLOTA: Hopefully it’s back at the office and ORAC is giving
the others instructions to repair and retrieve us. If not, our turkeys are
cooked.
Eliza Dushku: Don’t you mean, Geese?
TLOTA: In my line of work, I deal in turkeys. (Cut to
everyone else at James’ office surprised to see the time and space device)
Eric Kurtzke: Well, leave it to James to surprise us when
we’re trying to surprise him! (Windshield swipe cut back to James and Eliza as
James hands Eliza her Survival pack)
TLOTA: Here, it’s solar powered and the canteen can draw
moisture from the air and make it drinkable water. Now let me see if I can find
some sort of civilization nearby and if I’m lucky it’ll sound like… (James
walks around in a circle while Sonic Screwdriver makes different noises until
it makes the usual Sonic Screwdriver noise and James stops) This way. Follow
me. (The two walks towards the camera)
TLOTA & Eliza Dushku (Singing): Over the river and
through the woods to grandmother’s house we go! HO! 99 bottles of beer on the
wall, 99 bottles of beer if any of those happen to fall…. (Cut to the blazing
hot sun overhead before cutting to the two continuing to sing.)
TLOTA & Eliza Dushku (Slurred singing): Two bottles of
beer on the wall, two bottles of beer, if one of those bottles should happen to
fall…. (The two take a swig from their canteens)
TLOTA & Eliza Dushku (Singing): IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII Love a
parade! The trampling of feet, the sound of the beat when I hear a drum! IIIIIIIIIIIII
Love a parade! Whenever I hear the band, I just want to stand and cheer as they
come! (James takes a deep breath sighing exhaustedly as the scene cuts to later
in the day and the two are coming up over another sand dune.)
Eliza Dushku: We pass a service station that can serve us EVERY
single thousand lightyears but when we really need one, we wind up walking our
asses off!
TLOTA: Preaching to the choir, this is no way to run a
planet that’s mostly desert! (The camera pans back as James laughs and we see
two indigenous citizens of the planet KaKu)
Eliza Dushku (Audio only): What?
TLOTA (Audio only): We’re gonna die out here! (Cut to the
indigenous citizens as they speak their language with the subtitles under the
two “What a couple of assholes!” before cutting to the blazing overhead sun
before cutting to see James and Eliza walking over yet another sand dune)
TLOTA: Taxi! Taxi!
Eliza Dushku: Oh god we’re dead! Our bodies are saying we’re
alive but our brains are saying “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU AND THE IDIOT NEXT TO
YOU DOING?! LAY DOWN AND DIE ALREADY!”
TLOTA: Taxi! Here boy! Oh god we’re dead! Why can’t we die?!
(Cut to yet another dune as James carries Eliza Dushku on his back)
TLOTA: Mommy! Mommy?! (James tumbles forward and Eliza
Dushku falls off rolling forward towards a skeleton next to a Stormtrooper’s
outfit.)
Eliza Dushku (Shouting): WHOA! HEY! HI! HOW ARE YOU?! HEY!
(Cut to the two making it over yet another dune where a tent is and the two
laugh insanely before falling down as a shadow comes over them as the scene
circular wipe cuts to an hour later in which the two are under the shade of a
tent and a strange woman played by Traci Hines treating them as James comes to.)
Strange woman: Hello
TLOTA: Hi, uh how long have me and my associate been out?
Strange woman: An hour. A friend of yours found you two on
his way here. You were just about dead but he dragged both of you under my tent
and took care of your poor health. Your feet were just abysmally wretched
smelling and they were puffy. She on the other hand wasn’t as bad as yours.
TLOTA: Wait, wait, wait, who grabbed us?
Tenn (Audio only): I did. (Tenn walks into the tent)
TLOTA: Wait, you were in the TIE Fighter with that other
guy. What happened to him?
Tenn: I don’t know. Last I saw my TIE Fighter it sank in the
sand then exploded as for Jol, I don’t know what happened to him. Oh where are
my manners, I’m Tenn and Her name is Tray!
TLOTA: Well, hello Tenn & Tray, I’m James and my
associate is called …
Eliza Dushku: Eliza! A Pleasure to meet you bo … WHOA!
James, The Blisters on your feet are the sizes of tubs! (James looks to see his
feet have inflated to triple in size!)
TLOTA: YOWZA! ICE TUBS!
Tenn: Where?
TLOTA: In the pack! (Eliza opens James’ pack to get the Ice
tubs and James places both of his feet in them and a whoosh of steam is
unleashed as the ice evaporate and James’ feet come out with the skin peeling
and shredded.)
TLOTA: EGADS! Haven’t been this surprised since “The Force
Awakens”
Tray: Surprised how?
TLOTA: Surprised that it’s a reality! (Cut to images of The
Original Trilogy & The Prequel Trilogy of “Star Wars” as James does a
voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Believe it or not, I was glad as a Star
Wars fan to have let sleeping dogs lie especially when it came to the movies. I
was glad to have seen the original as a kid and the prequels when they came
out. As a matter of fact, the first memory of Seeing Star Wars came with
getting my first VCR. For those who are my nieces age a VCR was this device
that played this rectangular block that housed a copy of the film you were
going to watch. Some of the first movies I saw on this format was “Disney’s
Lady & The Tramp”, “Pinocchio”, “The Great Muppet Caper” & “Star Wars”
though technically “Star Wars” was recorded from a CBS Broadcast and had the
last minute of “Be My Valentine, Charlie Brown” And when I saw it, I was amazed
at the story about a young person going through this journey and what he had
gone through and when my family got a video rental service that’s when I saw
“The Empire Strikes Back” & “Return of The Jedi” the twists and turns
shocked me and like everyone else I loved these movies and would glad to stop
everything to see them. I saw the prequels in the theaters and when I saw them
I thought they weren’t bad but as time has gone on, I began to understand why
people didn’t like them. Doesn’t mean I agree with them, I found “The Phantom
Menace” riff worthy fun, “Attack of The Clones” in need of having a re-write
but a good thing to put on the background and make Samuel L. Jackson sound more
bad-ass and “Revenge Of The Sith” possibly the best of the three prequels
because it was the closest to the Original Trilogy and honestly outside of
Expanded Universe Media I was glad to let “Star Wars” drift away into movie history.
But the news of more movies coming didn’t surprise me. What did surprise me was
the fact that Disney bought Lucasfilms and the rights to the “Star Wars”
franchise. I thought it would’ve been 20th Century Fox to buy
Lucasfilms and gain those rights. It was 20th Century Fox that
financed the first “Star Wars” movie and distributed “Empire”, “Jedi” & The
Prequels, so wouldn’t have selling Lucasfilms and “Star Wars” to 20th
Century Fox been the more logical route? (Cut to everyone in the tent having
just finished wrapping James’ feet in bandages and everyone save for James
taking off a gas mask.)
Eliza Dushku: Okay, your feet smell wicked bad first. Second
what is your beef towards Disney?
TLOTA: It’s not so much a beef towards Disney as much as
I’ve seen what Disney has done with great franchises. (Cut to images of “Power
Rangers” seasons under the Disney banner as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Believe it or not when I discovered
Disney purchased the Power Rangers franchise from Saban it was out of left
field. And to say what they did with a few of their seasons and hearing about
they disrespected that franchise and the fans of it made me cautious towards
what they would’ve done with Star Wars but hearing how they sold Power Rangers
for Pennies on the Dollar just so they could buy Marvel, Lucasfilms & Star
Wars made me realize that instead of making good with what they got, The house
of Mouse will squeeze every last drop of good and throw it away just so they
can leave a bad taste in people’s mouth when it’s not their property. (Cut to
everyone in the tent)
Tenn: So you were worried they’d do what they did on Power
Rangers with Star Wars?
TLOTA: Yep
Tray: But that’s comparing apples to cumquats.
TLOTA: The point I was trying to make is that instead of
working on bettering what they had with Power Rangers and keeping that
franchise amazing they tried to Disney-fy it until no one wanted to watch it or
work on it because before Disney got their hands on it Power Rangers was in the
top five best Sci-Fi Franchises for kids and adults as far as I’m concerned and
when Disney bought both Lucasfilms and “Star Wars” I had legitimate reasons for
concern. (A droid beeping hovering around hits James in the leg) OW! What the… (James
picks up the droid and reads aloud it’s designation “C-D-I”)
TLOTA: Let me say this right now, I know a nerd who would be
glad to wipe this droid off the face of the map. (A Laser blast hits outside of
the tent) Well, I guess we know whose after him don’t we! RUN! (Everyone runs
away from the blasts being fired upon their tent before cutting to the bridge
of the Super Star Destroyer.
Highlo Bet: CAREFUL YOU MORON! I SAID ACROSS THEIR NOSES NOT
UP THEM! (The gunner played by Mike Santos turns to show his eyes are crossed
and faces Highlo Bet)
Gunner: Sorry sir, I’m doing my best! (Highlo Bet looks up
and down at the gunner)
Highlo Bet: Who made you a gunner?
Major (Audio only): I did sir! (Cut to the Major who is also
cross-eyed and facing Highlo Bet)
Major: He’s my brother! (Highlo Bet looks up and down at the
Major)
Highlo Bet: Who are you?
Major: I’m a major! Major Idiot!
Highlo Bet: And your brother?
Gunner’s Mate First Class Toe-Tal Idiot: I’m an idiot too
sir. Gunner's mate First Class Toe-Tal Idiot!
Highlo Bet: How many Idiots do I have on this ship, anyway?
(Entire bridge crew played by everyone on Team TLOTA in
multiple costumes stands up and raises a hand)
Entire Bridge Crew: Yo!
Highlo Bet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by idiots! KEEP FIRING
IDIOT! (Cut to James, Eliza, Tray & Tenn standing in the shadow of a
familiar ship.)
Tray: Are you sure this thing can fly?
TLOTA: This thing will make .5 past light speed. It made the
Kessel run in five parsecs! It outlasted two Death Stars and was able to get
The Then Administrator of Bespin out of Imperial capture and was the Flagship of
the Rebellion! This is the fastest ship in the galaxy! (Cut to the exterior of
the Millennium Falcon.)
Eliza Dushku (Audio only): So why is it in a Junkyard?
TLOTA (Audio only): Well, according to my Screwdriver, it’ll
still fly. We just got to get her going! (Cut to the interior of the Millennium
Falcon as James uses his Sonic Screwdriver to reactivate all the systems.)
TLOTA: That ought to do it! Try it now! (Cut to the cockpit
of the Millennium Falcon)
Tray: Nothing is working!
TLOTA (Audio only): For the love of Peat Moss! (James walks
in, aims the Sonic Screwdriver at the control panel and the ship starts up)
TLOTA: There That ought to do it! PUNCH IT! (Cut to the
Millennium Falcon taking off and flying out into space with the Super Star
Destroyer following it before cutting to the Cockpit of the Falcon)
Eliza Dushku: Here come the bad guys!
Tenn: We have to make the jump to light speed!
Tray: Do any of you know how to do so?
TLOTA: Why does everything have to rest on my shoulders?
(James takes control of the ship and flips the right levers to take the ship to
Lightspeed before cutting to the cockpit of the Falcon)
Eliza Dushku: Well, it’ll be at least three years before
they find us.
Tenn: Whew, so where are we heading?
TLOTA: Someplace we can have the home field advantage.
Eliza Dushku: Are you insane? We’d be putting more of us in
danger than them.
TLOTA: You’re right let’s head to the Ne-e-ee-e-ee-e—EEEEEE!
WHAT IS GOING ON?!
Tray: There! (Cut to the outside of the Falcon as it’s being
placed into another ship via A Tractor Beam before cutting to the hallway in
the Falcon where Tray, Tenn, James & Eliza are ready to defend against
whoever comes in!)
TLOTA (Whispering) Tenn, the second the last guy is through
the door close it. Tray, the second they try to attack take down the last guy
in and Tenn back her up, I’ll handle the boss, Eliza, stragglers are yours.
(Cut to the Millennium Falcon’s door as a cloud of smoke fills the hall and
steps are heard until the smoke clears as Kerr Avon played by Paul Darrow.)
Avon: Well, from one pile of flying scrap metal to another.
The Story of my survival. (The sound of the door shuts close as James and
everyone else prepare to throw down before James stops everyone.)
TLOTA: Avon! You Son of a… (James throws a punch and Avon
goes down like a sack of potatoes)
Tray: Now why did you do that?
Avon: Relax, people do that all the time, especially for
those who were loyal to Blake whom I shot.
TLOTA: When he was trying to build a revolutionist army to
take down the Federation.
Avon: One of many mistakes that I will live with for the
rest of my days and have continued to do so since that faithful day that I lost
everyone, I have been running and now I believe I can stop running and start
fighting if this ship is as powerful as “The Liberator” then I shall use it and
you to finish the job that Blake started.
Tray: Well we have our own Problem. Highlo Bet and The new
World order. (Avon grabs Tray’s Arm)
Avon: Did you say Highlo Bet? Very well then, tell the pilot
of this ship to take us to these coordinates.
TLOTA: Okay, looks like I’m the pilot now! Why not add more
to my buffet of a repertoire? Allons-Y! (Cut to a gigantic person on a throne
and Highlo Bet looking up)
Highlo Bet: Lord Hualk How I may I serve you? (Cut to the
gigantic Lord Hualk played by John Ross Santos)
Lord Hualk: First off my nWo-ite find a way to shrink this
damned hologram! Secondly Have General Nux try the new Starkiller Base on the
next place we stop by. Though I do have a question for you, Brother!
Highlo Bet: Lord Hualk, I assure you I know what I will do
to if my father were to come for me.
Lord Hualk: Make sure you end Kerr Avon quickly, BROTHER!
Highlo Bet: Yes, my master!
(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of
American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top
of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the
commercial break intro and the Falcon lands near a bar on a forested planet as
our ragtag team of travelers exit the Falcon)
Eliza Dushku: So where are we?
TLOTA: According to the navicomputer we’re on the Planet….
Teriyaki!
Eliza Dushku: Seriously?!
Avon: The information I will require is in there! (Cut to a
Cantina on top of a mountain before cutting to the inside as Avon orders a
drink and the others walk down the bar.)
Avon: So Highlo Bet kidnapped you after watching a movie
called “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” and since then you have not had a
moment’s peace not even long enough to say whether or not you enjoyed the
movie.
TLOTA: Well Avon, I did enjoy the movie but to me it feels
less like what “Star Wars” was like when I was a kid.
Avon: Was that when you saw those movies? Knowing you, the
moment that made you a Star Wars Fan was some blaster battle or duel between
the hero and the villain or some stupid catchphrase. (Cut to Stills from “The
Original Star Wars Trilogy” and the Prequels before cutting to stills from “The
Force Awakens” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): Actually for me, the moment that made me
a Star Wars fan WASN’T a battle or some catchphrase. It was when I saw Luke
Skywalker having walked away from his aunt and uncle and stepped outside his
home to see the Binary Sunset of his home on Tatooine and look and wonder what
was in his future. To me THAT was the moment that made me a Star Wars fan and
of course the moment was highlighted by the music of John Williams who has done
a marvelous job composing ALL of the great moments I remember the most. Whether
it was when Luke got home too late to save his Aunt and Uncle which the music
punctuated the feeling of someone who had just lost the only thing he had that
was his life up to that point or when Han was frozen in Carbonite to being able
to cry when one of the Ewoks took the hit that was meant to take out his
friend. As a matter of fact, the soundtracks to the Prequels were one of the
best things because if you watched those movies sans the Dialogue you could
make your own story to the prequels better except for “Episode III: Revenge Of
The Sith” because the Dialogue there helps finalize Anakin’s fall from the Jedi
and the light side and delving into the Dark Side. With “The Force Awakens” I
got that feeling that made me like Star Wars back when I was a kid watching
movies instead of critiquing them. (Cut to the inside of the cantina as
everyone enjoys their drink.)
Tenn: So I take it that the only Prequel you did like was
“The Sith”?
TLOTA: Actually, they aren’t as bad as everyone makes them
out to be. (Silence fills the Cantina before we hear the sound of guns being
cocked.)
Avon: Well James congratulations are in order for making
every last syllable out of Villa’s mouth seem like something out of the finest
paper on mathematics and science and now we shall die because of this!
TLOTA: Can I explain why The Prequels aren’t as bad? (Cut to
the prequels and the original trilogy as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover): To me, the Prequels are a necessary evil!
I wanted to know the hows and whys as to what led to Anakin Skywalker’s fall to
the Dark Side and become Darth Vader! I wanted to see what led to the rise of
the empire. Does Jar-Jar deserve to be ripped into pieces by being truck ripped
for what he did? Hell yeah! Did we all know that the character of Palpatine
played Ian McDiarmid was in fact going to become the Emperor? Of Course! The
Prequels had to tell the Story of Anakin in order to understand the Story of
Luke and Leia in the original trilogy. What I will say is that the charm of the
originals in which there wasn’t as much green screen and they had to use the
physical to make the impractical look realistic isn’t in the Prequels. Do I
wish George Lucas go the practical route a little more? Yes, but he realized he
needed to be able to do these with the quality of the original trilogy but with
making things easier for the actors involved. Did he sacrifice certain things?
Yes, and those things he sacrificed made the Prequels a chore to sit through.
Quite honestly I like the prequels but if George Lucas spent a little more time
maybe a rewrite or two or had help polishing the stories to Episodes I & II
then maybe they wouldn’t have been as ridiculed as they were. (Cut to everyone
in the cantina)
TLOTA: Does that satisfy everyone?
Avon: Apparently not, they’re still ready to shoot us Stone
Cold Dead thanks to you. (Cut to the Alien behind the bar physically performed
by Eric Neil Kurtzke but vocally by Renee Miller.)
Alien: No! It was because I sensed the presence of the
soldiers of the new World order and I let them know to be ready to shoot. But
her… (Alien points to Tray before cutting to Tray)
Tray: Me? (Cut to the Alien behind the bar)
Alien: Yes. I believe this belongs to you. (The Alien pulls
out a case and in it is a Lightsaber and as Tray grabs it she feels and
experiences a flashback to certain things in the Star Wars series before James
catches her as she begins to faint.)
TLOTA: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? (Tray wakes up)
Tray: What a Rush! James, take this.
TLOTA: Okay Why? Because I feel as if I’m about to be….
(Tray screams as she is force pulled to Highlo Bet and Highlo Bet orders his
troops to come in and destroy everything and one in sight as it cuts to the
Cantina as James activates the Lightsaber and holds his own against the n.W.o
Stormtroopers as the Bar fight breaks out and Eliza Dushku attacks and holds
her own against the n.W.o Stormtroopers before grabbing a blaster and starts
shooting them and more blasts come as the rebellion comes to force the n.W.o
Stormtroopers into retreat.)
Avon: Well, I should be grateful to the rebellion, I’m not
that great a shot as I once was! (A Stormtrooper tries to shoot Avon in the
back as a shot is heard and the camera pans over to Servalan played by Jacqueline
Pearce.)
Servalan: And that is how I’ve been saving your backside
ever since Gauda Prime! (Servalan hugs Avon)
Avon: To that I am grateful, Hello Servalan. I found Blake,
thanks to these people. (Cut to James talking about a plan to rescue Tray and
meeting up with Jol Methadone who explains how he escaped and met up with the
rebels in the distance before cutting back to Servalan & Avon)
Servalan: If you can save him, do so, please ever since the
Federation named me a traitor I’ve been wanting something good to come my way.
Blake was it. Save him, Save our son!
Avon: I shall do what I must, no more, no less! (Circular
swipe cut to the interior of Starkiller Base as Tray is being interrogated by
Highlo Bet.)
Highlo Bet: So I will ask one more time, what do you know of
the Rebels and their alliance against the n.W.o?
Tray: You will not get anything from me!
Highlo Bet: I will not get anything you! Hey Stop That!
Tray: I’m not doing anything!
Highlo Bet: You’re not doing anything! Wait a second, yes
you are and I am going to wait until the second you tell me.
Tray: But not here, after we fight for the last time.
Highlo Bet: Very well then after we… GOD DAMN IT! GUARD!
Watch her! (Cut to the outside of the room where the Captain of the guard and
another Stormtrooper before seeing their heads being sliced off with a
lightsaber and the door opens to see James, Eliza & Tenn rescue Tray.)
Tray: What took you so long?
Tenn: We had to come up with a plan and I had given the
Rebellion the necessary data to destroy this thing!
Tray: Well, where is Avon?
TLOTA: Going to confront Highlo Bet. Why he would do that
seems out of character, even for him.
Eliza: What do you know about characters?
TLOTA: Quite a bit especially when it comes to the Star Wars
franchise. (Cut to stills of certain
moments in “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”)
TLOTA (Voiceover): I knew Han and Leia would’ve hooked up
and settled down after the end of the First big battle and Luke would’ve restarted
the Jedi temple and teach students in the ways of the force in both the Light
and Dark side so they know what was where and what path they could go down.
Then of course we have R2-D2 & C-3PO they would’ve remained loyal to Luke,
Leia and Han but I have a lot of questions that I never got the answers to by
the end of the movie such as What made Kylo Ren become a member of the Sith or
What was the reason behind C-3PO’s red arm or for that matter why didn’t they
know R2 was in a recharging mode hell even how The First Order picked up where
the empire left off. (An audible scream of the word “Blake” is heard before
cutting to a point in the of the interior of Starkiller Base as Highlo Bet
stands in the center of the Base and Avon is seen at the end of the runway.)
Avon: BLAKE! Didn’t I ever teach you that it is considered
rude to face someone behind a mask, my son. (Highlo Bet takes off his mask to
reveal that he is Blake Servalan Avon played by Paulo Fonseca.)
Blake: Hello father! (Avon walks towards his son)
Avon: Your mother and I have never given up on you so answer
me this, Have you given up on yourself? Have you given up on us as a family?
Blake: I am the only one who has tried to do what you and
mother have never tried.
Avon: Your mother and I have tried to keep you out of what
we do. So for her sake, my sake and yours let it go. (Avon and Blake come face
to face as Blake and Avon hold Blake’s Lightsaber.)
Blake: I don’t know if I can.
Avon: Yes! I know what I do now is for all of us! (The
lightsaber activates and guts Avon and his face reacts the same way Roj Blake’s
did as he was shot by Avon before it is retracted.)
Avon (In pain and dying): Blake! (Avon falls to his death
while focusing on an overhead shot on Blake)
TLOTA (Audio only): YOU KILLED YOUR FATHER YOU BASTARD! (Cut
to James screaming and swinging down on a rope to try to be force thrown to the
floor of the Hangar Bay of the Starkiller Base as everyone else runs and Blake
chases after them as the scene cuts to the interior of the Millennium Falcon as
everyone sighs and sits uncomfortably or cries silently)
Tenn: Why did this happen? We thought he would lead us to
something to stop the n.W.o.
Tray: He died so we could have a chance to either destroy
Highlo Bet or save Blake one of the two.
Eliza Dushku: Kind of hard seeing as how Blake & Bet are
the same. This is so similar to what happens in “The Force Awakens”
TLOTA: Yeah, A little too similar. Almost like… Oh my God! I
know why I and everyone liked “The Force Awakens” and for that matter the
entire “Star Wars” Franchise! (Cut to a geeky female writer in front of a
computer played by Rebecca Yaun)
G.F.W.: So James discovers the key fact on what keeps “Star
Wars” popular as everyone else is left in surprise. (Cut to The interior of the
Millennium Falcon)
Eliza, Tenn & Tray: FAN FICTION?!
TLOTA: Exactly that! Think About it! (Cut to stills of old
Saturday Morning Movie Serials and Old Sci-Fi, Old Action & Western Movies Then
Stills of the entire Star Wars franchise as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover): George Lucas grew up watching these
classics and wrote “Star Wars” as not only a love letter to those movies from a
by-gone era, He essentially said “It was okay if you were or are a fan of these
movies or stories that you grew up with, you can make them in your own way and
people WILL enjoy it!” And that’s why J.J. Abrams made “Star Wars: The Force
Awakens” the way he did. He did his own Fan-Fiction of where he thought the
Star Wars franchise would go and ultimately it worked because it was HIS spin
on Star Wars. That’s why the movie came out as great as it did! (Cut to the
interior of the Millennium Falcon as a familiar whoosh is heard as James’ Time
and Space Device materializes inside the Falcon as the remainder of Team TLOTA
walk out the door.)
Paulo Fonseca: Somehow You’d find yourself in trouble today.
Rebecca Yaun: And we would be the ones trying to clean up
the mess!
TLOTA: Alright Eliza, let’s get going.
Tray: Wait, you can’t leave us.
TLOTA: Actually we’ve got a battle with Highlo or Blake or
whoever he is.
Tenn: But who will help us in our battle with the n.W.o.? (A
Smooth voice from the past says “Tenn, Rule Number One: Always expect help when
everything looks bleak and Rule Number Two… Before cutting to Billy Dee
Williams as Lando Calrissian!)
Lando: Never forget rule Number one! (Cut to a forested part of the Starkiller
base where James in full on out battle gear and a special set of Sunglasses,
Tenn holding the lightsaber & Tray await Blake and Blake arrives.)
TLOTA: Well Blake we meet face to face!
Blake: The Lightsaber, I Want it, I DEMAND YOU GIVE IT TO
ME!
Tenn: Well, you’re going to have to take it from me!
TLOTA: And you’re going to have to go through me to get to
Tenn! (Blake reaches out as James is flung off camera)
TLOTA (Audio as he landed): I’m not okay! (Blake and Tenn
Battle for a few Seconds before they feel the earth shake and Tenn loses his
grip on the Lightsaber.)
Blake: What was that?
TLOTA: Don’t you realize why there’s a whole lot of hurt
coming your way? (Cut to the outer space as James’ Space & Time Device
flies in the Air before cutting to the interior as Eliza, Traci, Paulo Fonseca,
Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun, Eric Kurtzke and John and Mike Santos pilot the thing
and open communications to the rebellion.)
Paulo Fonseca: All fighters focus your attack runs on the
center of that thing! (Cut to Jol Methadone in his X-Wing Fighter.)
Jol: Roger that! (Cut to the forested part of the Starkiller
base!)
Blake: You sent them my way!
TLOTA: Not only here but a whole lot of other places as well
in the quadrant you and everything you have been a part of.
Blake: No matter that lightsaber is MINE! (The Lightsaber
goes to Tray and the lightsaber turns on. Blake and Tray fight.)
Blake: Come with me and I will show you the way of the
force!
TLOTA (Audio): I don’t think that’s what she wants. (Cut to
James standing strong as he wields The Sword Of Caliverti)
TLOTA: Besides You’re gonna get more of a headache with what’s
coming your way! (Cut to a fleet of other Fandoms being led by the U.S.S.
Enterprise!)
Captain James T. Kirk (Audio only by James Faraci but the
image blurs between The Old School William Shatner, Movie version of Kirk by
Shatner and Chris Pine from the reboot.): Calling this quadrant of space. This
is James T. Kirk, Captain of the Enterprise! (Cut to the Outer space as Fandoms
come out to attack.)
TLOTA (Audio only): You could say, they’ve been waiting to
get their hands on you for a LONG TIME! (Cut to the cockpit of the Starkiller
Base as Audio and Visual of Different Fandoms ranging from Comic Books to
Movies to Sci-Fi and everything in between flooding everything before cutting
to an image of the interior of Iron Man’s helmet as he shouts out “AVENGERS!”
Before cutting to a darkened image of Tony Stark shouting “TIME TO EARN A
LIVING!” before cutting to the cockpit and General Nux.)
Gen. Nux: How many are out there?!
Gunner’s Mate First Class Toe-Tal Idiot: According to the
latest reading it is two shy of… CORRECTION! (Cut to Outer Space where The
TARDIS and a Man on A Nuclear Missile comes rushing their way before cutting to
the image of Peter Capaldi’s Doctor looking intensely into the screen before
cutting to the Missile as we see who’s on top of it! Segata Sanshiro played by
James Faraci.)
Gunner’s Mate First Class Toe-Tal Idiot (Audio only): Final
total ONE DEKA-QUADRILLION!
(Segata Sanshiro Speaking Mock Japanese but translated as “Star
Wars! You Belong to Us!” before cutting to Tray and James Battling Blake before
James destroys Blake’s Lightsaber with his Sonic Sunglasses and a rift appears
breaking up the fight and James’ Time and Space Device comes as well as the
Falcon)
Tray: I guess we can handle this without you now.
TLOTA: Good Luck! (James Runs to his Time and Space Device
as Tray carries Tenn to the Falcon before cutting to footage of “The Day Of The
Doctor” in which The 11th Doctor shouts “GERONIMO!” The 10th
Doctor shouting “ALLONS-Y!” and The War Doctor saying “Ugh, For God’s Sake!”
before cutting to see James’ Time and Space Device getting the hell out of
Dodge as a gigantic explosion like experience happens! Before cutting to the
outside of James’ Office building and James looking out into the stars and
Eliza coming over to be next to James.)
Eliza Dushku: Hell of a night.
TLOTA: Yep.
Eliza Dushku: Wondering if the rebellion will win?
TLOTA: Yep.
Eliza Dushku: If I said “I want to rip the clothes off your
back and Milk you like a cow for your birthday right in front of everyone in
the office.” Would you like that?
TLOTA: Yep. (Eliza Dushku smacks James in the head.)
TLOTA: Sorry I wasn’t listening but after everything we went
through, it kind of makes you think.
Eliza Dushku: Yeah, but what about?
TLOTA: Whatever it is you want to think about? (Cut to the
two looking up as it fades to a shot of the Falcon flying on a distant planet
before cutting to Tray as she walks up a hill in order to find Luke Skywalker
and she pulls out the Lightsaber and holds it out for Luke to take it before
circular wiping to Black)
