(Music in the same vein of Donald Duck's opening theme plays in the background James singing throughout the intro "Who has the Average disposition one guess that guy. Who never puts in his two cents? Who knows that his world makes sense? Who always lives a normal life? Who always seems to never know what's right? Who tells it true in front of a lie? No one! But The Average Guy!" as "James Faraci The Last Of The Americans Presents:" is seen then cuts to a picture of James Faraci with a simple smile on James' face and the words "The Average Guy" is below and cuts to the title card of "Elect Me!")
(Scene starts with The Average Guy played by James Faraci heading to a couch with a bowl of Quaker oatmeal squares to watch some television. James sighs then turns on the television)
Television (Audio only): The Democrats have single handedly decimated everything good that has happened with our country.(Cut to see the TV screen with the Republican logo on it.) However if we put Republicans in control of the Senate and the House Of Representatives we can rebuild our country. Paid for by the people who wish to see Barack Obama be sent back to the Congo. (Cut to The Average Guy)
A.G.: Sounds good, might vote Republican this ye..
Television (Audio only): IT'S A LIE! REPUBLICANS ARE NAZIS!
A.G.: What? (Cut to TV Screen)
Television: DEMOCRATS HAVE BROUGHT NOTHING BUT PEACE, PROSPERITY AND BETTER HEALTHCARE TO OUR COUNTRY! THEY HAVE ALSO IMPLIMENTED STRONGER MEASURES TO STOP THOSE WHO DOMESTICALLY ABUSE & RAPE PEOPLE BY EXECUTING THOSE RATFACED BASTARDS WHO WOULD DO SUCH CRIMES! Would you let a rapist near your kids? Paid for by the People who wish to see Republicans be EX-TERM-IN-ATED!(Cut to The Average Guy)
A.G.: Hmm, Dalek democrats who want to get rid of criminals not ba..
Television (Audio only): REPUBLICANS HAVE HARSHER MEASURES TOWARDS CRIMINALS!
A.G.: Not another one (Cut to TV Screen)
Television: THE REPUBLICANS WILL GUT CRIMINALS WHO BREAK ALL LAWS WITH A RUSTY SPOON. WE WILL ALSO REMOVE THE COMMUNIST THREAT OF THE DEMOCRATS WHO WERE FOUNDED BY THE KU KLUX KLAN! So tell me would you side with communists who side the Ku Klux Klan? Paid for by the Republicans who wish to suppress the Democrats.(Cut to the Average Guy)
A.G.: Hmm, Democrats who are communists that side with the Ku Klux Klan or Republicans who may or may not be Nazis. Maybe I should vote for a third party Independent candidate.
Television (Audio only): Third party Independent candidates have no say whatsoever!
A.G.: For the fricking love of Peat Moss, not again! (Cut to TV Screen)
Television: Third party Independent candidates have yet to make a mark. Yes Jesse "The Body" Ventura was the Governor of Minnesota but no President, Senator or Representative has made a difference at all so what will you do? Waste a vote? Paid for by the Republicans and Democrats to make sure you vote for at least one of our sides.(Cut to The Average Guy)
A.G.: Let me watch something, ANYTHING besides an advertisement about the election! (the Average Guy changes the channel which cuts to a "Daily Show With Jon Stewart" like show with it's host looking like Paulo Fonseca and trying to hide subliminal messages in his stories.)
Host: We're back! Republicans are Nazi scum. In the latest reports according to our sources CNN is the only channel for real news outside of us and watch all who praise Premier Obama, Fox News watchers are Nazis. the Ebola virus have come to our country It'll kill all Republicans for the glory of Putin and... (Cut to The Average Guy slowly getting angry changing the channel)
Television (Audio only): Republicans are what this country needs.
A.G.: Not this propaganda again! (Cut to the TV Screen.)
Television: Republicans are not Nazis we welcome all creeds, colors and sexual preferences. We can destroy the problems that ill this country. Paid for by the Republican party. (Cut to The Average Guy slowly counting down on one hand)
Television (Audio only): VOTE FOR THE DEMOCRATS!
A.G.: Right on cue. (Cut to the TV Screen.)
Television: Republicans will repress all the social changes to every creed, color and sexual preferences and use innocent people they claim are terrorists as target practice when in fact they support Terrorism. NO! Democrats support Terrorism. (Cut to The Average Guy getting angrier and angrier as the Audio continues to be propaganda slamming both the Republicans and Democrats until The Average Guy gets so mad he throws the remote down, stands up and walks away as the chatter continues and The Average Guy comes back with a Rocket Launcher and fires it at the television)
Television: HOLY! (Television is demolished in one second then cuts to The Average Guy sighing then looking at the audience.
A.G.: Folks, I'm an average guy. I won't tell you to vote for one party or another. If you like the Republican Party vote for them. If you vote for a Democrat, I won't hold it against you. I'm The Average Guy and that's just who I am. (Voice of Chris Lee Moore in the background says "Paid for the people who just hope you vote" then The Average Guy grabs a gun and shoots off screen to the right as a yelp in pain is heard then a thud and The Average Guy walks off screen to the left with a smile on his face.)
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Thursday, October 16, 2014
How to have a Happy & Safe Halloween
(Opening credits of "Tales From The Crypt" play as it reaches the casket of the Crypt keeper and the lid pops open to reveal James Faraci The Last Of The Americans kicking back in the casket)
TLOTA: What, did you expect the Crypt keeper? (Then Opening credits resume as Slime covers the whole scene and the Crypt keeper says "The Last Of The Americans" then cuts to James at his office.)
TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views...Actually the Tips I'm about to give come from a WHOLE lot of personal experience. Now brace yourself for a long, long time up until 2001 I trick or treated and I was born in 1982, think about that. I went as E.T., Sylvester the Cat from "Looney Tunes", A pumpkin, A Ghostbuster, A hunter, An agent for the FBI, A Football Coach, The Riddler, the list is endless. So to say I have experience is an understatement and with that I want to give you guys some tips on how to have a Happy & Safe Halloween and have fun along the way. (Show a whole lot of images involved with Halloween and the "Silver Shamrock" jingle from "Halloween 3: Season Of The Witch" play then cuts to James in the middle of his living room.)
TLOTA: If you are a trick or treat connoisseur like I am you'll have of course "Reese's Cups", your M&M's, your Twix, your Rice Krispies treats, your Nestle Crunch Bars, your Kit Kat Bars and your Popcorn balls but if you really want to have people bring their kids make sure you have something unique and I don't mean just something make a treat that'll bring kids to your place like Smoked doughnuts or even Apple Taffy even a homemade novelty candy like one that looks like a candy from Candy Crush Saga and with all the social networks kids will flock to your place like the Sparrows of Capistrano. (James walks away and it cuts to James' office.) If you choose to dress up for either Trick Or Treating with your kids, A Halloween Party or a combination thereof make sure you stay with the theme, take for example myself and my comrades Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca are going to a Halloween Party with the cast of "GLEE" and it so happens the theme just so happens to be "The End Of The World" in which Paulo is Daryl Dixon from "The Walking Dead" and Rebecca is HOLY FRIJOLES! What are you?
Rebecca: Zombie Kourtney Kardashian.
TLOTA: Well, there is only one other person outside of Daryl from "The Walking Dead" to defuse this situation. (Cut to montage scene of James going into the back room, getting dressed up as Ash from "Army Of Darkness" then cut to the door to the music from when Ash gets his Chainsaw hand in "Evil Dead 2" as camera pans up to have James twirl his double barreled shotgun into his holster)
TLOTA: Groovy! (James cell phone goes off.) Excuse me for a moment. (James answers his cell phone)
Paulo: His cell phone tone is still the theme from Power Rangers?
Rebecca: I guess he's still a fan. (Cut to James in a van with his nieces)
TLOTA: Well due to my brother and my sister in law not feeling well, I got roped into taking my three nieces into Trick or Treating but you guys know I don't mind, right?
Madison & Mallory: We know.
TLOTA: Besides this will be great for the next tip for adults having to take kids Trick or Treating. When you have to take kids Trick or Treating make sure you take them out with at least two hours of sunlight left but make sure it's after dinner.
Madison: Is that why we had dinner at five o'clock?
TLOTA: Yep.
Mallory: And why we had fifteen minutes after we were done with dinner to get into our costumes and our little sister Vivian as well. (Vivian babbles out "Cool dude")
TLOTA: You got it! (Cut to a front porch where James and his nieces see a bucket with grab bags of trick or treat goodies.)
TLOTA: Freeze it guys! This tip is for all Trick or Treaters while saying trick or treat is customary a little bit more manners will go a long way! By saying please you might get a little more than just a handful of candy and always knock the door or ring the bell because you don't want to be rude or just be grabbing everything and leaving nothing for someone else. (James opens the door to see former WWE superstar "The Boogeyman" leaving everyone on the porch either confused or scared.)
"The Boogeyman": Little miss Muffet sat on her Tuffet, eating her curds & whey! Along came a spider and sat down beside her and said "I'M THE BOOGEYMAN AND I'M COMING TO GET YOU." ("The Boogeyman" laughs maniacally as James close the door slightly and mouths "What the...? then opens the door to see "The Boogeyman") And frighten Miss Muffet away! ("The Boogeyman shouts as he smashes a large alarm clock on his head and laughs maniacally again as James closes the door)
TLOTA: And now for my next impression JESSIE OWENS!(Cut to James's nieces running back to the van and James following suit.)
TLOTA (Audio only): I hope you guys left that stuff from that trick or treat basket in there.
Madison & Mallory (Audio only): We did Uncle Jimmy! (James jumps in and the van drives off to cut to see the three on another front porch.)
TLOTA: Okay this is a tip that comes with no option but to take it straight up! If you're not comfortable AT ALL with either the person or the treats the person gives you DON'T TAKE ANYTHING FROM THEM!(James sighs) Let's try this again. (James presses the doorbell as the theme from "Longbox Of The Damned" plays and Moarte laughs as he opens the door.)
Moarte: Hello children, I am Moarte!
Madison & Mallory: Trick or Treat please.
Moarte: Such nice manners have more than just one great comic from the Longbox. (Madison & Mallory take a few comics )
Madison & Mallory: Thank you Mr. Moarte!
Moarte: Please, please call me Moarte and invite your friends because there will always be enough Horror comics in "The Longbox Of The Damned" (Moarte laughs and "Longbox of The Damned" end song plays as the door closes.)
TLOTA: Let's see if the next place we come upon we can get some candy.
Madison & Mallory: Okay. (Cut to another front porch as James looks at his watch.)
TLOTA: Okay guys last stop then I got to drop you back home so I can get to my costume party. Comprende?
Madison & Mallory: Comprendo. (James starts to knock when Madison knocks for him.)
Madison: We got this. (The door opens to see Asalieri from "Reviewing a Reviewer.")
Madison & Mallory: Trick Or Treat please.
Asalieri: Greetings kids. Let's see what we've got. (Asalieri walks away as camera cuts to James hiding behind the door.)
TLOTA (Whispering): This tip is for those like me. If you recognize someone you know and they remember certain things like say oh having done a review of your compatriot and you decided to drive them nuts by reprograming their TV to play nothing but Non-Stop repeats of "The Room" and "Allen Gregory" and reprogrammed their mobile music devices to play the music that'd drive the Devil cuckoo for cocoa puffs because you didn't agree with their opinions. Avoid them as if they had Ebola!
Asalieri (Audio only): Who was that?
Mallory: Our uncle. (Asalieri looks and discovers James with a look of fear in his eyes.)
TLOTA: Hi there, thanks for the treats for my nieces and oh boy I got to go. Come on guys, Allons-Y!
Asalieri: Who was that guy? I think I know who he is but I just can't put my finger on him. (Cut to James with his nieces at his office and ORAC)
ORAC: All scans of all confectionaries are complete, there are no foreign elements or chemicals to harm the children.
TLOTA: Thanks ORAC. Now if you don't have an ORAC like I do. Inspect the candy yourself and if you wind up feeling funky instead of your kids. You are a better person to sacrifice yourself for your kids. Hey Jeannie, think you can drop my nieces off.
Jeannie: Of course James the friend of my master. (Jeannie and James' nieces pop out.)
TLOTA: Well, I hope you enjoy these tips that'll help you and your family have a safe and Happy Hallow...(Door knocks) Oh, trick or treaters, excuse me duty calls. Yes, what would you like?
Asalieri: I WANT YOUR HEAD!(0:19-1:05 mark from “Stop” by Jane’s Addiction is heard as James runs for his life and Asalieri keeps pace until 0:42 mark from “Stop” by Jane’s Addiction is heard as James slams the door to the backroom then proceeds to trip Asalieri up with a floor of pipes, a bucket of marbles on the floor and finally falls after James eats a banana and he slips on the peel and zooms across the back room until he hits the back wall at the 1:05 mark happens then the music stops then cuts to Asalieri being smacked awake by James)
TLOTA: You okay?
Asalieri: Yeah.
TLOTA: Sorry about duct taping you to this office chair but I don't want to see you hurt anyone.
Asalieri: Totally understandable. Though I do have to ask Why did you do that to me? (James looks at him with a "Seriously" look on his face.) Oh, yeah the Rowdyc Review. Why not leave a comment saying I was wrong? Why attack me like that?
TLOTA: Okay, I admit I went way overboard on attacking you but understand my mentality. I am loyal to my friends and my family. Check out this clip from my review of the Adam Sandler Comedy "Anger Management". (Show clip of The "Happy Madison" audience of New York rushing into the Bathroom. James & Rowdy saying their lines, going in to save James' brother in law, saving his brother in law and throwing the grenades to destroy the "Happy Madison" audience before cutting back to Asalieri & James)
TLOTA: You see? Would anyone like The Nostalgia Critic dive in to save Malcolm or Tamara if they were in that situation? I don't know. But I would if my family or friends were likely going to get hurt by someone's recklessness either in thoughts or actions. Know what I'm saying
Asalieri: Totally understandable but I said in my review If you like him that's fine but I didn't.
TLOTA: And I understand why you don't like my friend's voice and he has had some setbacks but he's busted his Texan Tuchus & he's pushing forward and do you want to know something?
Asalieri: Please.
TLOTA: I want us to not go after one another. You and I have enough enemies, we don't need to attack each other. (James extends his hand in friendship.)
Asalieri: You're right, we need to unite more instead of letting what we review dictate who we are. (Asalieri accepts James' hand of friendship and James cuts Asalieri loose.) So now what?
TLOTA: Care to join me and my friends Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca for a Halloween party in which I am now ostensibly late because of you but if you can get into a post-Apocalyptic look in five minutes we can have some fun with the cast of "GLEE". (Cut to Asalieri looking like Mad Max's cousin.)
Asalieri: While I've never seen even an episode of "GLEE", I can bust a move with them if you want me too. (James comes back into the scene looking like Ash from "Army Of Darkness" once again)
TLOTA: Then let's boogie big man! Oh I'll be a few seconds, just got to wrap this up. I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and (Eyes ignite with flames.)
TLOTA (Demonic sounding): Happy Halloween! (James' head spins 360 degrees while the laugh from Disney's animated version of "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow" is heard.)
TLOTA: What, did you expect the Crypt keeper? (Then Opening credits resume as Slime covers the whole scene and the Crypt keeper says "The Last Of The Americans" then cuts to James at his office.)
TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views...Actually the Tips I'm about to give come from a WHOLE lot of personal experience. Now brace yourself for a long, long time up until 2001 I trick or treated and I was born in 1982, think about that. I went as E.T., Sylvester the Cat from "Looney Tunes", A pumpkin, A Ghostbuster, A hunter, An agent for the FBI, A Football Coach, The Riddler, the list is endless. So to say I have experience is an understatement and with that I want to give you guys some tips on how to have a Happy & Safe Halloween and have fun along the way. (Show a whole lot of images involved with Halloween and the "Silver Shamrock" jingle from "Halloween 3: Season Of The Witch" play then cuts to James in the middle of his living room.)
TLOTA: If you are a trick or treat connoisseur like I am you'll have of course "Reese's Cups", your M&M's, your Twix, your Rice Krispies treats, your Nestle Crunch Bars, your Kit Kat Bars and your Popcorn balls but if you really want to have people bring their kids make sure you have something unique and I don't mean just something make a treat that'll bring kids to your place like Smoked doughnuts or even Apple Taffy even a homemade novelty candy like one that looks like a candy from Candy Crush Saga and with all the social networks kids will flock to your place like the Sparrows of Capistrano. (James walks away and it cuts to James' office.) If you choose to dress up for either Trick Or Treating with your kids, A Halloween Party or a combination thereof make sure you stay with the theme, take for example myself and my comrades Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca are going to a Halloween Party with the cast of "GLEE" and it so happens the theme just so happens to be "The End Of The World" in which Paulo is Daryl Dixon from "The Walking Dead" and Rebecca is HOLY FRIJOLES! What are you?
Rebecca: Zombie Kourtney Kardashian.
TLOTA: Well, there is only one other person outside of Daryl from "The Walking Dead" to defuse this situation. (Cut to montage scene of James going into the back room, getting dressed up as Ash from "Army Of Darkness" then cut to the door to the music from when Ash gets his Chainsaw hand in "Evil Dead 2" as camera pans up to have James twirl his double barreled shotgun into his holster)
TLOTA: Groovy! (James cell phone goes off.) Excuse me for a moment. (James answers his cell phone)
Paulo: His cell phone tone is still the theme from Power Rangers?
Rebecca: I guess he's still a fan. (Cut to James in a van with his nieces)
TLOTA: Well due to my brother and my sister in law not feeling well, I got roped into taking my three nieces into Trick or Treating but you guys know I don't mind, right?
Madison & Mallory: We know.
TLOTA: Besides this will be great for the next tip for adults having to take kids Trick or Treating. When you have to take kids Trick or Treating make sure you take them out with at least two hours of sunlight left but make sure it's after dinner.
Madison: Is that why we had dinner at five o'clock?
TLOTA: Yep.
Mallory: And why we had fifteen minutes after we were done with dinner to get into our costumes and our little sister Vivian as well. (Vivian babbles out "Cool dude")
TLOTA: You got it! (Cut to a front porch where James and his nieces see a bucket with grab bags of trick or treat goodies.)
TLOTA: Freeze it guys! This tip is for all Trick or Treaters while saying trick or treat is customary a little bit more manners will go a long way! By saying please you might get a little more than just a handful of candy and always knock the door or ring the bell because you don't want to be rude or just be grabbing everything and leaving nothing for someone else. (James opens the door to see former WWE superstar "The Boogeyman" leaving everyone on the porch either confused or scared.)
"The Boogeyman": Little miss Muffet sat on her Tuffet, eating her curds & whey! Along came a spider and sat down beside her and said "I'M THE BOOGEYMAN AND I'M COMING TO GET YOU." ("The Boogeyman" laughs maniacally as James close the door slightly and mouths "What the...? then opens the door to see "The Boogeyman") And frighten Miss Muffet away! ("The Boogeyman shouts as he smashes a large alarm clock on his head and laughs maniacally again as James closes the door)
TLOTA: And now for my next impression JESSIE OWENS!(Cut to James's nieces running back to the van and James following suit.)
TLOTA (Audio only): I hope you guys left that stuff from that trick or treat basket in there.
Madison & Mallory (Audio only): We did Uncle Jimmy! (James jumps in and the van drives off to cut to see the three on another front porch.)
TLOTA: Okay this is a tip that comes with no option but to take it straight up! If you're not comfortable AT ALL with either the person or the treats the person gives you DON'T TAKE ANYTHING FROM THEM!(James sighs) Let's try this again. (James presses the doorbell as the theme from "Longbox Of The Damned" plays and Moarte laughs as he opens the door.)
Moarte: Hello children, I am Moarte!
Madison & Mallory: Trick or Treat please.
Moarte: Such nice manners have more than just one great comic from the Longbox. (Madison & Mallory take a few comics )
Madison & Mallory: Thank you Mr. Moarte!
Moarte: Please, please call me Moarte and invite your friends because there will always be enough Horror comics in "The Longbox Of The Damned" (Moarte laughs and "Longbox of The Damned" end song plays as the door closes.)
TLOTA: Let's see if the next place we come upon we can get some candy.
Madison & Mallory: Okay. (Cut to another front porch as James looks at his watch.)
TLOTA: Okay guys last stop then I got to drop you back home so I can get to my costume party. Comprende?
Madison & Mallory: Comprendo. (James starts to knock when Madison knocks for him.)
Madison: We got this. (The door opens to see Asalieri from "Reviewing a Reviewer.")
Madison & Mallory: Trick Or Treat please.
Asalieri: Greetings kids. Let's see what we've got. (Asalieri walks away as camera cuts to James hiding behind the door.)
TLOTA (Whispering): This tip is for those like me. If you recognize someone you know and they remember certain things like say oh having done a review of your compatriot and you decided to drive them nuts by reprograming their TV to play nothing but Non-Stop repeats of "The Room" and "Allen Gregory" and reprogrammed their mobile music devices to play the music that'd drive the Devil cuckoo for cocoa puffs because you didn't agree with their opinions. Avoid them as if they had Ebola!
Asalieri (Audio only): Who was that?
Mallory: Our uncle. (Asalieri looks and discovers James with a look of fear in his eyes.)
TLOTA: Hi there, thanks for the treats for my nieces and oh boy I got to go. Come on guys, Allons-Y!
Asalieri: Who was that guy? I think I know who he is but I just can't put my finger on him. (Cut to James with his nieces at his office and ORAC)
ORAC: All scans of all confectionaries are complete, there are no foreign elements or chemicals to harm the children.
TLOTA: Thanks ORAC. Now if you don't have an ORAC like I do. Inspect the candy yourself and if you wind up feeling funky instead of your kids. You are a better person to sacrifice yourself for your kids. Hey Jeannie, think you can drop my nieces off.
Jeannie: Of course James the friend of my master. (Jeannie and James' nieces pop out.)
TLOTA: Well, I hope you enjoy these tips that'll help you and your family have a safe and Happy Hallow...(Door knocks) Oh, trick or treaters, excuse me duty calls. Yes, what would you like?
Asalieri: I WANT YOUR HEAD!(0:19-1:05 mark from “Stop” by Jane’s Addiction is heard as James runs for his life and Asalieri keeps pace until 0:42 mark from “Stop” by Jane’s Addiction is heard as James slams the door to the backroom then proceeds to trip Asalieri up with a floor of pipes, a bucket of marbles on the floor and finally falls after James eats a banana and he slips on the peel and zooms across the back room until he hits the back wall at the 1:05 mark happens then the music stops then cuts to Asalieri being smacked awake by James)
TLOTA: You okay?
Asalieri: Yeah.
TLOTA: Sorry about duct taping you to this office chair but I don't want to see you hurt anyone.
Asalieri: Totally understandable. Though I do have to ask Why did you do that to me? (James looks at him with a "Seriously" look on his face.) Oh, yeah the Rowdyc Review. Why not leave a comment saying I was wrong? Why attack me like that?
TLOTA: Okay, I admit I went way overboard on attacking you but understand my mentality. I am loyal to my friends and my family. Check out this clip from my review of the Adam Sandler Comedy "Anger Management". (Show clip of The "Happy Madison" audience of New York rushing into the Bathroom. James & Rowdy saying their lines, going in to save James' brother in law, saving his brother in law and throwing the grenades to destroy the "Happy Madison" audience before cutting back to Asalieri & James)
TLOTA: You see? Would anyone like The Nostalgia Critic dive in to save Malcolm or Tamara if they were in that situation? I don't know. But I would if my family or friends were likely going to get hurt by someone's recklessness either in thoughts or actions. Know what I'm saying
Asalieri: Totally understandable but I said in my review If you like him that's fine but I didn't.
TLOTA: And I understand why you don't like my friend's voice and he has had some setbacks but he's busted his Texan Tuchus & he's pushing forward and do you want to know something?
Asalieri: Please.
TLOTA: I want us to not go after one another. You and I have enough enemies, we don't need to attack each other. (James extends his hand in friendship.)
Asalieri: You're right, we need to unite more instead of letting what we review dictate who we are. (Asalieri accepts James' hand of friendship and James cuts Asalieri loose.) So now what?
TLOTA: Care to join me and my friends Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca for a Halloween party in which I am now ostensibly late because of you but if you can get into a post-Apocalyptic look in five minutes we can have some fun with the cast of "GLEE". (Cut to Asalieri looking like Mad Max's cousin.)
Asalieri: While I've never seen even an episode of "GLEE", I can bust a move with them if you want me too. (James comes back into the scene looking like Ash from "Army Of Darkness" once again)
TLOTA: Then let's boogie big man! Oh I'll be a few seconds, just got to wrap this up. I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and (Eyes ignite with flames.)
TLOTA (Demonic sounding): Happy Halloween! (James' head spins 360 degrees while the laugh from Disney's animated version of "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow" is heard.)
Friday, October 10, 2014
The top 13 Vampire Films better than "The Twilight Saga"
(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the
statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the
Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season
of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final
season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The
Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it,
Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final
season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up
on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a
bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British
Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s
Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the
theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the
theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James
taking on all of popular culture until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final
season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver
then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The
Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American
Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a
heroic pose on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the
final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to
see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it.)
(Scene changes to James carrying three full totes)
TLOTA: Ah nothing better than moving into a new work place
so you can get work done without getting disturbed at all plus this place has a
fully furnished bathroom and kitchen, it has Cable TV, Wi-Fi internet. If I
ever decide to move out of my place, this will be the perfect Bachelor Pad.
Lea Michele: Correction, it’ll be OUR place because I’d like
to move in with you.
Darren Criss: Just wish you’d give us more of your stuff
instead of one tote per person.
Naya Rivera: Hey James, I thought I saw two other people
moving stuff in.
TLOTA (Audio only): You did! (Cut to James walking out the
backroom with two other people)
TLOTA: Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca say hello to Lea Michele,
Darren Criss, Naya Rivera, Chris Colfer, Jane Lynch & Chris Lee Moore alias
“The Rowdy Reviewer”.
Rowdy: Feel free to call me “Rowdy”.
Paulo: A pleasure to meet you guys.
Rebecca: I’ve heard of most of you guys but “Rowdy” is it?
(Rowdy nods his head to say yes.) I’ve just heard of you now. Who are you?
Rowdy: I host an internet review series called “TV Trash”
and I already talked about "Brickleberry", "South Park", "Family Guy", “The E Network” & “Reality Television”
already.
Rebecca: Okay.
Chris Colfer: So how did you guys meet?
Paulo: Rebecca’s my sister and we met James in both Church
and school and he’s been a casual acquaintance of ours and he asked us to help
him in any function with his reviews or anything he needs and we’re more than
willing to help him out. (Cut to TLOTA Staring at the audience)
TLOTA: Everybody get that? (TLOTA then turns to everyone in
the room) Okay guys, kickback, watch some TV, play a game or pop in a Blu-Ray
or DVD while I put everything in place and set up a final security protocol
with ORAC. (Cut to everyone else sitting down and relaxing on a couch)
Jane Lynch: So now what?
Rowdy: Well, it is October. Why don’t you guys find a scary movie
while I make some popcorn?
Paulo: Sounds good (Everyone else agrees with a yeah or a
sure and Lea turns on the television and scene cuts to the screen on the TV as
The Maven Of The Eventide appears.)
Maven Of The Eventide: Hello James, it’s time to pay your
penance once again. (Cut to everyone on the couch.)
Darren: Oh hey, a sequel to one of those cheesy Sci-fi
movies you see on the Syfy channel.
Jane Lynch: You really want real sci-fi cheese check out the
“Chiller” channel, imagine the Syfy channel except with lower level Z-Grade
scary movies. (Cut to The Maven Of The Eventide.)
Maven Of The Eventide: Wait, where’s James? I was sure he
was here. (Cut to everyone on the couch as Rowdy comes back with a bowl of
popcorn.)
Rowdy: Hey everybody, what you watchin’?
Paulo: A cheesy sci-fi sequel to one of those movies on the
Syfy channel.
Rebecca: From what I gather this woman is on the hunt for
someone named James and instead of James having the cojones to face her el
pollo bastarda sent his minions to get her. (Cut to Maven Of The Eventide.)
Maven Of The Eventide: Is that what you guys are? James’s
Minions? (Cut to The couch)
Rowdy: I know that voice. (Turns to face the television)
Maven! (Cut to Maven Of The Eventide.)
Maven Of The Eventide: I know of you too, you’re the associate
of James. (Cut to The couch)
Rowdy: I’ll call for him. (Door opens)
TLOTA (Audio only): For who? (James walks over to the couch
as Rowdy points to the TV as James turns to the screen at the 0:00 mark of the
Ironside theme from “Kill Bill” is heard then the scene cuts between James
& The Maven as the Ironside theme from “Kill Bill” 0:01-0:07 mark is heard.
At the 0:07 mark the image of The Maven Of The Eventide comes closer to The
Maven. At the 0:08 mark the image of James being shocked is pulled closer to
him then cuts to The Maven as the last few seconds are heard as The Maven
speaks.)
Maven Of The Eventide: Hello James, you know what time it
is! (Cut to James and everyone on the couch with James groaning.)
TLOTA: Sorry to have dragged all of you into this but guys
say hello to “The Maven Of The Eventide” (Cut to Maven Of The Eventide.)
Maven Of The Eventide (Sounding like a female Bela Lugosi):
Good evening, I am The Maven Of The Eventide and it is time once again for me
to punish James Faraci The Last Of The Americans for liking “The Twilight
Saga”. (Cut to everyone on the couch looking at James.)
TLOTA: What? (Cut to footage from the movies from “The
Twilight Saga” while James does a voice over)
TLOTA (V.O.): Okay, let me clarify something. The fact that
I like “The Twilight Saga” doesn’t mean I think it’s bulletproof nor do I think
it’s the best set of Vampire movies ever. (Cut to James & everyone else on
the couch.)
TLOTA: As a matter of fact, I can name 13 vampire movies
that are without question better than “The Twilight Saga”. (Cut to The Maven Of
The Eventide)
Maven Of The Eventide: You mean to tell me that you’re
counting down and reviewing thirteen vampire movies better “The Twilight
Saga”? “Dark Shadows” by Tim Burton is a
better movie than all five of “The Twilight Saga”. (Cut to James & everyone
else on the couch.)
TLOTA: I get it but that movie isn’t on the list.
Others on the Couch: What list?
TLOTA: The top thirteen Vampire films better than “The
Twilight Saga”
Rebecca: Why thirteen?
Rowdy: Because while The Nostalgia Critic will go one step
from the normal countdown list. James is going to go two steps beyond The
Nostalgia Critic’s one in order to appease The Maven Of The Eventide.
Lea Michele: Time out, this Maven Of The Eventide, where is
she now?
Rowdy: Looking at us. Don’t ask how it works.
TLOTA: So let’s check out the Thirteen Vampire movies better
than “The Twilight Saga”
Rebecca: Who’s the Nostalgia Critic?
(Cut to a scene of the woods as different vampire movie
franchises as “River Flows In You” aka Bella’s Lullaby plays in the background
then the title of “The Top 13 Vampire movies better than “The Twilight Saga”
then cuts the scene of the woods as the aforementioned song plays while James
does a voice over.)
TLOTA (V.O.): Number 13
13) “Once Bitten”
(Cut to The Maven Of The Eventide)
Maven Of The Eventide: Never heard of it. (Cut to James
doing a voice over to the footage.)
TLOTA (V.O.): Well you should know about some of the actors
in this one. Lauren Hutton, Cleavon Little, Megan Mullally, JIM CARREY!
Maven Of The Eventide (V.O.): Jim Carrey in a vampire film?
And you think it’s better because?
TLOTA (V.O.): Because Maven like many Vampire Movies it took
liberties with Vampirism and it worked to the advantage of the project and
while yes by today’s standards it is a cheesy horror comedy if “MST3K” were
still on the air would shred to shreds but still with a cast that good even
Joel & The Bots would cut it some slack and besides what other vampire
movie can say it helped kick start Jim Carrey’s career? (Cut to Maven Of The
Eventide)
Maven Of The Eventide: Got me there.
(Cut to a scene of the woods as different vampire movie
franchises as “River Flows In You” aka Bella’s Lullaby plays in the background
while James does a voice over.)
TLOTA (V.O.): Number 12
12) “Tales From The Crypt Presents: Bordello Of Blood”
TLOTA (V.O.): While it may be cheesy and campy, it’s got a
charm all its own and besides for guys like me it’s just one of those movies
that is custom made to be better than “The Twilight Saga” because it is made so
tongue in cheek and so crazy and the cast is amazing especially when you have
Dennis Miller, Erika Eleniak, Angie Everhart, Chris Sarandon who was in the
Original “Fright Night” and Corey Feldman who’ll be in another movie on this
list. (Cut to Maven Of The Eventide and then everyone else on the couch saying
“The Lost Boys” in unison)
TLOTA: I’m aware what the title of the movie is. But the
point is it’s a vampire movie, it doesn’t have any of the flaws of “The
Twilight Saga” and is immensely more entertaining than “The Twilight Saga”
(Cut to a scene of the woods as different vampire movie
franchises as “River Flows In You” aka Bella’s Lullaby plays in the background
while James does a voice over.)
TLOTA (V.O.): Number 11
11) The “Underworld” movies
(Cut to The Maven Of The Eventide)
Maven Of The Eventide: Wait a second, I reviewed a couple of
these movies. (Cut to James & everyone on the couch)
TLOTA: And do you think that those movies are better than
“The Twilight Saga”? Because I do. (Cut to The Maven Of The Eventide)
Maven Of The Eventide: Me too (Cut to footage of the
“Underworld” movies with the Maven Of The Eventide doing a voiceover)
Maven Of The Eventide (V.O.): And unlike “The Twilight Saga”
the “Underworld” movies take liberties in the mythos that work in favor of
making the Vampires stronger instead of wussy emos.
TLOTA (V.O.): And to the credit of these movies they did
handle the conflict between Werewolves & Vampires a BILLION FOLD TIMES
better than “The Twilight Saga” and tell me the romance between Selene played
by Kate Beckinsale & Michael Corvin played by Scott Speeedman isn’t more
human than the chemistry between Edward & Bella. (Cut to The Maven Of The
Eventide)
Maven Of The Eventide: Touche
(Cut to a scene of the woods as different vampire movie
franchises as “River Flows In You” aka Bella’s Lullaby plays in the background
while James does a voice over.)
TLOTA (V.O.): Number 10
10) Wes Cravens’ “Vampire in Brooklyn” (Cut to The Maven Of
The Eventide)
Maven Of The Eventide: Wait a second The horrendous Vampire
movie with Eddie Murphy? (Cut to TLOTA & Everyone on the couch)
TLOTA: BINGO! (Cut to footage of “Vampire In Brooklyn” while
James does a Voice Over.)
TLOTA (V.O.): And the reason why I say this movie is better
than “The Twilight Saga” is because they did have a vampire played by Murphy
who is vicious and able to be romantic without acting an ounce like Edward from
“The Twilight Saga” and let’s face it this movie is what lead Eddie Murphy to
doing “The Nutty Professor” and started his second wind which he has since
squandered. (Cut to “The Maven Of The Eventide”)
Maven Of The Eventide: I can’t argue with the fact that A)
This movie is better than “The Twilight Saga” & B) You’re right about Eddie
Murphy and his squandered second wind so... lets move on. (Cut to TLOTA &
Everyone else on the couch.)
TLOTA: My thoughts exactly
(Cut to a scene of the woods as different vampire movie
franchises as “River Flows In You” aka Bella’s Lullaby plays in the background
while James does a voice over.)
TLOTA (V.O.): Number 9
9) “Interview With The Vampire”
TLOTA (V.O.): While the Maven has Reviewed this and while I
agree with her thoughts on this movie. I kinda felt that the cast including Tom
Cruise, Brad Pitt, Antonio Banderas and Kirsten Dunst were overdoing it a bit.
(Cut to Maven Of The Eventide looking as if daggers were to come out of her
eyes then cut to everyone else looking at James.)
TLOTA: Didn’t mean I didn’t think “Interview With The
Vampire” was not better than “The Twilight Saga”. As a matter of fact it’s a
hundred times better than “The Twilight Saga” because of it. LET’S MOVE ON!
(Cut to a scene of the woods as different vampire movie
franchises as “River Flows In You” aka Bella’s Lullaby plays in the background
while James does a voice over.)
TLOTA (V.O.): Number 8
8) “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” (Cut to Footage of the
movie while James does a Voice over.)
TLOTA (V.O.): Who knew that the 16th president
was the steampunk male version of “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” because the
rail-splitter, while trying to keep The United States for a lack of a better
term United, was hacking and staking Vampires and for the most part, I found it
more entertaining than “The Twilight Saga” (Cut to The Maven Of The Eventide)
Maven Of The Eventide: Speaking of Buffy will she make an
appearance in this list. (Cut to James and everyone else on the couch.)
Rowdy: Well let’s see does Sarah Michelle Gellar have restraining
order on both me & The Blockbuster Buster stay at least 5000 miles away
from her and her family.(Everyone else scoots away from Rowdy slightly) WHAT?
(Cut to a scene of the woods as different vampire movie
franchises as “River Flows In You” aka Bella’s Lullaby plays in the background
while James does a voice over.)
TLOTA (V.O.): Number 7
7) “The Dark Crystal” (Cut to The Maven Of The Eventide)
Maven Of The Eventide: Wait a second, The Dark Crystal is a
vampire movie? (Cut to footage of the movie while James does a voice over)
TLOTA (V.O): Well not in the usual sense but yeah, it’s a
movie about vampires in another dimension with Jim Henson & Frank Oz in the
director’s chair. I saw more creativity, more imagination more of what made Jim
Henson’s work memorable in “The Dark Crystal” than there was in the entirety of
“The Twilight Saga”.
(Cut to a scene of the woods as different vampire movie
franchises as “River Flows In You” aka Bella’s Lullaby plays in the background
while James does a voice over.)
TLOTA (V.O.): Number 6
6) “John Carpenter’s Vampires” (Cut to Footage of the movie
while James does a Voice over.)
TLOTA (V.O.): The man behind such classics as “Escape from
New York”, “The Thing”, “Halloween”, “They Live”, “The Fog”, “Assault on
Precinct 13”, “Big Trouble in Little China” and a numerous other great cult
classics created this action romp with James Woods as a leader of a group of
Vampire Hunters with a papal sanction by The Vatican and the Vampires are a lot
more impressive with their plot than all the movies in “The Twilight Saga”
(Audio is interrupted as infant cries and scene cuts to “The Maven Of The
Eventide” as Paw runs in with their son.)
Paw: Hey Pookie, could you do me a favor and help me clean
up Grey?
Maven Of The Eventide: Okay. Say Can we take a break? (Cut
to TLOTA and everyone on the couch)
TLOTA: Sounds fine to me besides it’ll give me time to
explain what is up with you & Paw and the baby.
Rebecca Fonseca: And maybe someone can explain who in the
world the “Nostalgia Critic” is?!
(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of
American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top
of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the
commercial break intro and return act to the review then cut to The “Maven Of
The Eventide”)
Maven Of The Eventide: So we’re back, James are you there?
(Cut to James and everyone on the couch)
TLOTA: And that’s the deal with Paw, The Maven Of The
Eventide and the baby and who the “Nostalgia Critic” is Rebecca.
Rebecca: Okay. (Audio
of Maven coughing.)
TLOTA: Oh hey let’s get back to work guys!
(Cut to a scene of the woods as different vampire movie
franchises as “River Flows In You” aka Bella’s Lullaby plays in the background
while James does a voice over.)
TLOTA (V.O.): Number 5
5) “The Lost Boys” (Cut to Footage of the movie while James
does a Voice over.)
TLOTA (V.O.): Proof positive that a blind dog with a missing
leg named “Lucky” can find not just a duck shot down in Duck Hunting but a
female dog to mate with. Joel Schumacher aka the guy who made “Batman &
Robin”…
Maven Of The Eventide (V.O.): As well as “Andrew Lloyd
Webber’s The Phantom Of The Opera”
TLOTA (V.O.): I’m aware of that but this was for me THE
first vampire film I ever saw and what I can say is this movie was awesome. I
loved the characters, the setting, the music, the story, the cast, EVERY Little
thing is one trillion times done better than “The Twilight Saga” even the
ending has an awesome twist.
Grandpa: One thing about living in Santa Carla I never could
stomach, all the damn Vampires. (Cut to the clip of David being killed by
Michael.)
TLOTA (V.O.): What else can be said? If “The Twilight Saga”
took this route it wouldn’t have been so ridiculed but the fact remains that
for me, this remains one of the best movies I’ve ever seen.
(Cut to a scene of the woods as different vampire movie
franchises as “River Flows In You” aka Bella’s Lullaby plays in the background
while James does a voice over.)
TLOTA (V.O.): Number 4
4) The “Blade Trilogy (Cut to Footage of the movie while
James does a Voice over.)
TLOTA (V.O.): While The Maven Of The Eventide touched base
on what it did for Vampire Films it also became the only salvation for Wesley
Snipes until he shot himself in the foot while making the third film. But
regardless these movies are awesome in their own rights for my own reasons. The
first one did a great job telling Blade’s origins and Blade II which under the
direction of Guillermo Del Toro and for me the final one registers as guilty
pleasure for me the movies were great it gave a shot in the arm to not only
Vampire films but Comic Book Movies as well AND Yes it is a million times
better than “The Twilight Saga”
(Cut to a scene of the woods as different vampire movie
franchises as “River Flows In You” aka Bella’s Lullaby plays in the background
while James does a voice over.)
TLOTA (V.O.): Number 3
3) “From Dusk Till Dawn” (Cut to Footage of the movie while
James does a Voice over.)
TLOTA (V.O.): Robert Rodriguez before he became known for
the “Spy Kids” franchise made one of the most insanely great vampire movies
ever with Salma Hayek as the Queen of The Vampires and putting George Clooney
and Quentin Tarantino in the movie as Anti-Heroes instead of being the stoic
guys with the answers was a clever touch and while The Maven Of The Eventide
and The Angry Video Game Nerd have touched on this movie after all is said and
done this kick ass vampire film is a hundred times better than “The Twilight
Saga”
(Cut to a scene of the woods as different vampire movie
franchises as “River Flows In You” aka Bella’s Lullaby plays in the background
while James does a voice over.)
TLOTA (V.O.): Number 2
2) “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” (Cut to Footage of the movie
while James does a Voice over.)
TLOTA (V.O.): While yes I’m aware that 20th
Century Fox did mess with Joss Whedon’s movie, it has a charm that seems to transcend
the zeitgeist of what the early 1990’s were all about and while this movie is
seen as inferior to the TV series. I find it to be really amazing entertaining
despite its flaws and it’s so better than “The Twilight Saga” words can’t say
anything. (Cut to Maven Of The Eventide)
Maven Of The Eventide: Did you forget that I reviewed it?
(Cut to James and everyone else on the couch)
TLOTA: No and I know everyone here and I know you and
everyone else here know what the number one movie is but…. (Everyone else says
“Dracula”) I wasn’t finished. Which version of the character? (Show clips of
different actors playing Dracula while James does a voice over.)
TLOTA (V.O.): Oh there have been so many iterations some
coming off more demonic and some more suave and more seductive then there was
the comedic version played by the late Leslie Nielsen and a new version of the
tale of Dracula coming soon but for me there is only one version that is THE
definitive Dracula and for me…
(Cut to a scene of the woods as different vampire movie
franchises as “River Flows In You” aka Bella’s Lullaby plays in the background
while James does a voice over.)
TLOTA (V.O.): THE number one Vampire movie Better than “The
Twilight Saga” is….
1) “Dracula” (1931) (Show footage of Dracula (1931) while
James does a voice over)
TLOTA (V.O.): For me the Bela Lugosi version is the one
vampire film if I had to choose between watching this version of “Dracula” or
“The Twilight Saga” I’m choosing the 1931 Dracula every time. Bela Lugosi
sacrificed so much to play the role that made him & Dracula Iconic and if
you haven’t seen “The Blockbuster Buster”’s video at the Knott House Museum on
the subject of the movie of Dracula, SEE IT and get Dracula it is far, far
superior than “The Twilight Saga”. (Cut
to James and everyone else on the couch.)
TLOTA: So those are the thirteen Vampire movies that are
better than “The Twilight Saga” but do I believe that without these better
films there would be no “Twilight Saga”? (Cut to different clips of movies
about Vampires while James does a voice over.)
TLOTA (V.O.): Well to be honest, were it not for “The
Twilight Saga” I don’t think people would be thinking of the thirteen of the
movies I listed as better Vampire movies were it not for “The Twilight Saga”
because let’s face it some of these movies are classic and some of these for me
in comparison are better but not by much when it comes to “The Twilight Saga”
but what “The Twilight Saga” de-evolved into it made people look for something
better. (Cut to Maven Of The Eventide)
Maven Of The Eventide: Wait, Just remind me, which of “The
Twilight Saga” movies did you really dislike the most. (Cut to James and everyone
on the couch)
TLOTA: Breaking Dawn: Part 2, Why? (Cut to Maven Of The
Eventide)
Maven Of The Eventide: Well, I know you don’t want to be
stuck with me annually so the way I see it. Review “Breaking Dawn: Part 2” of
“The Twilight Saga” and we’ll be square. (Cut to James and everyone on the
couch)
TLOTA: Maybe next year. See you then. (Cut to the TV screen
with the Maven Of The Eventide)
Maven Of The Eventide: Very Well then, Bye Bye! (Scene
statics and then becomes the party scene in “Hocus Pocus” then cuts to James
and Everyone else on the couch)
TLOTA: Ooh! Awesome, Hey Rowdy you still got that popcorn?
Rowdy: Yep! (Everyone
else says “sweet” and smiles and enjoys the movie and popcorn.)
(End credit of the copyright symbol & the words Chez
Apocalypse with the year 2014 next to them and under both is Team NChick then
Written by Elisa Hanson & James Faraci credit then twitter accounts
Twitter.com/ElisaInTime & Twitter.com/TLOTA are credited. Special Thanks to
Paw Dugan, James Faraci, Chris Lee Moore, Rebecca & Paulo Fonseca, Lea
Michele, Naya Rivera, Chris Colfer & Jane Lynch then cuts to James and Lea on
a couch snuggling together in the studio)
TLOTA: Thanks for staying tonight.
Lea Michele: No Problem. Hmm, it’s so weird, last year
around this time you and I were planning to get together for a Halloween
Karaoke party and now here we are together for a quiet night together while
everyone else is planning the finale of “GLEE” and our last wrap party, you’ll
be there, right?
TLOTA: Yeah, I’ll be there.
Lea Michele: You sound a little down in the mouth.
Everything all right?
TLOTA: As long as you and I can enjoy our time together,
everything is fantastic. (James starts to kiss Lea’s neck as Lea goes for the
side of James’ face and James’ hand feels around Lea’s right upper thigh and
finds two bumps on the center of the thigh and James sniffs her.) Hmm, you smell
different. New perfume?
Lea Michele: Actually, it’s sunblock.
TLOTA: EH? (Lea’s face morphs into a vampire like on “Buffy
The Vampire Slayer” TV Series and its spinoff “Angel” as camera cuts to James
screaming mouth then scene cuts to James laying on the couch in his studio.)
TLOTA: Wow, what a nightmare. (Paulo and Rebecca walk in
through the back room.)
Paulo: Hey James, rough night?
TLOTA: To say the least.
Rebecca: Hey James, what’s that on the table? (Rebecca picks
up envelope hands it to James and James reads it to himself.)
TLOTA: Hey guys get ready for a Halloween party with the
cast of “GLEE”!
Rebecca: What’s the theme?
TLOTA: End of The world.
Paulo & Rebecca: Groovy!
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