Nine years and "The Quest" continues

(The scene begins with a laser beam in the sky as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as four shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be James Faraci in the center, Kent Lilly and Paulo Fonseca on the right and Rebecca Yaun on the left as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving towards the camera, four more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear, and the shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on the right, Nick Yaun on the left, and John and Mike Santos and their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving forward moving towards the camera, five more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as they reveal themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on the right, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion on the left, and Olivia Horvath appears in the center as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame credits of “Written by James Faraci with assistance from Steve Kidd, Edited by Eric Kurtzke, Makeup by Olivia Horvath Produced by First Choice Productions, Directed by James Faraci” as it ends the Laser beam disappears and at the 0:28 mark of the theme song the laser beam cut out the words “The” “Last” “Of” “The” appear. At the 0:32-0:36 mark, the term “Americans” start to come forward as it pulls down, and James’ Morpher and Sonic Screwdriver is flung into the frame as James grabs both and morphs into The Last Of The Americans with James and half of team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans.” Cut to James in his office.)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Nine Years! Nine years I have waited for this moment! Nine Years I have waited for this exact moment! I am going to review for my ninth-year anniversary, Superman IV: The Quest For Peace! (Static cuts James’ feed as it cuts to Linkara.)

Linkara:
Okay James, let’s do this! Now the people who produced this movie were not the Salkinds even though they were credited as the creators, that was it. As you said best in your Jay & Silent Bob Reboot review I have more involvement in the Power Rangers Franchise than Saban does and Alexander and Ilya Salkind had about as much to do with Superman IV The Quest For Peace! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Linkara. (Cut to Linkara)

Linkara:
And Christopher Reeve’s involvement had to come with an assurance that Golan-Globus’ Cannon films, the people who actually made this movie, would finance a project he wanted to do which was called Street Smart which was Morgan Freeman’s big break! The only reason Margot Kidder and the rest of the cast returned including Gene Hackman was because the relationship was so bitter and contentious between the cast and the Salkinds over the firing of Richard Donner during Superman II’s Production that they’d rather have done a Superman movie produced by Uwe Boll than with the Salkinds again! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Linkara! (Cut to Linkara)

Linkara:
And after the disappointments that happened with Superman III and Supergirl The Movie Alexander and Ilya Salkind were tired and sold the movie rights for an option to Cannon Films who slashed the budget from Thirty-Seven Million Dollars to about half of it and most of what was left went into settling lawsuits and the other half went into making the Masters Of The Universe movie. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
LINKARA! (Cut to a surprised Linkara)

Linkara:
What?! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
What are you doing? (Cut to Linkara)

Linkara:
I’m giving the pertinent information about Superman IV: The Quest For Peace! I have been the go-to guy for this type of information! I have been the go-to guy for a team-up review on Superman IV: The Quest For Peace for a long time! So, with that in mind, let me do what I need to do before we talk about this turkey! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
I appreciate the help, I truly do! However, I already know every single detail about this movie! I did not say I was doing this as a team-up review! I am going to take Superman IV: The Quest For Peace on as a movie that I know a lot about! I am going to talk about this movie on my own! Besides who asked you to come on and review this movie with me. (Cut to Linkara)

Linkara:
Well, I got an E-Mail from Chad Narducci who had seen me and Allison Pregler review this movie for her series Movie Nights and my Atop The Fourth Wall episode on the Comic Book Adaptation and told me to come on board! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Oy, I have avoided telling anyone this but it’s backstory time. Last year, after the fallout from the events at the end of my Wonder Woman 1984 review, Chad took majority ownership of my production company, First Choice Productions as retribution for the years he lost! This explains the God-awful Daytime Internet Talk Show idea which died a quick and painful death on YouTube. And he has more that he wants to do and I cannot stop him. I can run my series no problem, however, anything I want to do has to be approved by him!  Meaning the planned event, I had with you and your associates formerly from that site, is now on hold, indefinitely! (Cut to Linkara)

Linkara:
So this means I don’t have to work with you or go to your little Pissant Podunk county? Well then, SCREW YOU! I’M FREE! I’M FREE! (Linkara runs off-screen as clothes are tossed onto the futon!) 

Linkara (O.S.):
I’M FREE! I’M FREE! I’M FREE! I AM NUDE AND BEAUTIFUL AND I AM FREE!

Viga (O.S.):
LINKARA GET YOUR ASS SOME CLOTHES ON OR I SWEAR I WILL SHOVE THESE DOLLAR STORE BOOTLEG MY LITTLE PONY FIGURES IN YOUR PENIS AND I WILL YOU WAX YOUR BALLS MYSELF! (Cut to James looking very disturbed and shaking his head with a Blu-ulb-Blu!)

TLOTA:
Well, better get to it! (Cut to the title card of Superman IV: The Quest For Peace then clips to Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Yes, the nail in the coffin that put Superman into the ground and off the big screen until 2006, Superman IV: The Quest For Peace is meant to be intellectual, purposeful, and topical. What happened was the opposite of its intent. It quickly dates itself, becomes irrelevant to the times, and dumbs down EVERYTHING about the Nuclear Arms race. But is there anything, and I MEAN ANYTHING WORTH TALKING ABOUT IN THIS NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP? (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
Seeing as how Linkara tried to give relevant information about this movie that took time away from me reviewing this. I think we’re ready…

Viga (A.O.):
DO THE BACKSTORY! AS TO HOW WE GOT HERE!

TLOTA:
How did she do that?

(Cut to clips of the Superman movie franchise up to the point of Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
In 1978, after fifteen years of being considered fodder for parody or jokes about a community that I would not make jokes about and basically seen as the least valuable part of the Superfriends cartoons. Alexander and Ilya Salkind produced the first great Comic Book Movie of our generation with Superman directed by the late Richard Donner and starring the late Christopher Reeve. However, tensions between the Salkinds and Donner during Superman’s productions caused Richard Donner to be fired in the middle of the production of Superman II. Replacing Donner with Richard Lester. Lester returned to the helm in Superman III and I sure as hell don’t have to tell you what happened with that movie. Then of course came Supergirl The Movie, end of that discussion. This leads us to this movie. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Now Without any further interruptions, any MORE cameos, ANYTHING ELSE CHAD WANTS TO THROW MY WAY! Let’s get to it, this is Superman IV: The Quest For Peace! (Cut to Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So the movie opens with credits done on the budget of a gallon of gas by today’s standards as… (“Censorship” is heard as it cuts to James’ team rushing to James’ office.)

Paulo Fonseca:
WHAT’S GOING ON?! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
IT’S THE SCHLOCK ALARM! I REALLY SET IT OFF THIS TIME! (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller)

Julia Alexa Miller:
ORAC! SHUT THE SCHLOCK ALARM OFF RIGHT NOW! (The building shakes as the alarm shut off and everyone jumps and moves a bit) Now, what are you reviewing? (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Superman IV: The Quest For Peace! (Cut to Olivia Horvath)

Olivia Horvath:
The one where Superman tried Nuclear Disarmament for altruistic reasons? (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Yep! (Cut to the team as they shudder in fear and begin praying as Chad comes rushing in screaming “Everything is fine! Just called 911, Everybody except James evacuate the…”)

Chad Narducci:
What? Didn’t you guys hear the fire alarm?

John Ross Santos:
It wasn’t a fire alarm! It was… (Cut to James as he struggles with the headache outside the studio building and is talking to the chief of the fire department played by Corby Coney)

TLOTA:
An alarm meant to go off when I reach a level of film known as Schlock!

Chief Of The Fire Department:
Do you realize the severity of this type of prank?

TLOTA:
It’s not a prank! My associate Chad Narducci heard the Schlock Alarm go off as I began to review Superman IV: The Quest For Peace! He mistook it for a fire alarm and then called you guys! I did not mean for this to happen. I know a false alarm prevents you from doing your job correctly and I wish to apologize by helping out at your next fundraising event to pay penance for my associate’s mistake! 

Chief Of The Fire Department:
Well, I am glad you understand the ramifications of what has happened and I accept your volunteering request.  (Cut to James in his office as he sits and sighs.)

TLOTA:
Okay, with that misadventure out of the way, I know why the Alarm went off! It was because of the people who did produce this movie Golan-Globus’ Cannon Films! (Cut to stills of mom & pop video rental stores of the 1990s as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
In the 1980s and 1990s, video rental stores were booming! Most of the mom-and-pop video rental stores had their fare like Family Films, Comedy, Drama, Etc. However, a lot of these rentals were expensive and there was a need to fill in when they couldn’t afford the bigger-name movies. So, they had to have their shelves filled with what they could get! And this is where Golan-Globus’ Cannon films became Cannon Fodder and filler in these stores and because they were made so cheap, they could and unfortunately put a lot of the Video Rental Store out of Business and of course, the advent and instant evolution of the Internet didn’t help Video Rentals. But still, I actually decided to look up Cannon Films on Amazon Prime and the movies are as cheap as they were when they were Physically rentable! So even now they curse film fanatics! (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA:
Hence the Schlock Alarm! Perfect reminder if you find yourself watching movies so horrible that you’d rather be outside! Now onto business. (Cut to Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
We start off in the depths of space as Cosmonauts are working on a Satellite when Space Debris sets off a whole lot of problems when Superman, once again played by Christopher Reeve, flies in to rescue one of the Cosmonauts. Oh and get used to the shot of Superman zooming to the camera. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And guess what, during the time me and my team were watching this movie, we had a drinking game! The results… (Cut to James and everyone on Team TLOTA feeling like they went fifteen rounds with the Heavyweight Champion Boxing Champion and they lost. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Superman does his bit as his cape flaps in the vacuum of space and speaks in Russian space! This is going to be the longest hour and a half I’m going to be going through, even longer than Science Boy’s High School Reunion! We soon find Clark in Smallville getting the farm ready to be put on the market because, for those who remember, Ma…Kent bit the dust in III. While going through the barn, he comes upon the ship that brought him here to Earth, where he finds a green power crystal to be used as a McGuffin later on. The Real Estate agent tells Clark that there is a deal to buy the land sight unseen. However, Clark stands firm and tells the guy, Unless the person buying the land is a farmer, it’s not for sale. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Well What a Coinkidink, there is an offer by A Family who wants to use the land for farming. The husband’s name is Clark, the Wife’s Name is Lois, and there are twin boys named Jonathan and Jordan and their last names are Kent. How about that? (Cut to Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
While that happens Lex Luthor, once again performed by Gene Hackman, is still imprisoned when we come upon Lenny Luthor, played by Jon Cryer. Lenny soon distracts the guards to help his Uncle Lex break out. And because he’s got a one-track mind, guess what his plan is… (Show clip of Lex and Lenny saying “Destroy Superman” Show clip of Mind Of Mencia as Punji says "Oh, Of Course!" & Robert Wagner in Goldmember as he says “Oy Gevalt!” before cutting back to the movie as James continues his voiceover) We soon find ourselves in Metropolis as Clark misses the train as Lois is practicing her French when the Subway driver has a coronary! Superman thankfully stops the train. (Show clip of Superman as he tells the crowd that the rail system is the safest way to travel. Cut to the two clips of Superman as portrayed by both Christopher Reeve and Brandon Routh as they say that Flying is still the safest way to travel. Cut to James as he nurses a headache.)

TLOTA:
This movie is giving me flashbacks to movies I have reviewed already, not a good sign for me! (Cut to Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):

Clark makes it to the Daily Planet just in time to meet the new owners of the venerated newspaper. David Warfield played by Sam Wanamaker and his daughter Lacy played by Mariel Hemmingway. Perry White played by the late Jackie Cooper tells the new owners that they’re nuts if they’re going to turn the Daily Planet into a toilet paper tabloid! And immediately Lacy is smitten with Clark as he tells her truth about journalism 101. (Show clip of Clark telling Lacy about Journalism, and Lois and Lacy talking about Clark and Lacy saying “I’m very, very rich!”. Cut to the Justice League movie clip of Barry Allen as he asks Bruce Wayne what his superpower is and Bruce responds with “I’m Rich”. Cut to James as he pulls out a bottle of Martinelli’s then tosses it for a bottle of Ginger Beer! Cut to Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Meanwhile, we soon hear about a peace summit failing and the United States must be second to none in the Nuclear Arms race. It’s here we meet Jeremy in his class as his teacher tries to console the class and Jeremy says there’s only one person who he thinks everyone should write to in order to end the Nuclear Arms Race. (Cut to Jeremy as he says “Superman” then the transition to the Superman exhibit at a museum as James continues his voiceover.) So, after that surprisingly good transition to this moment. Lex and Lenny grab a hair follicle that Superman had donated to the exhibit that can lift a half a ton to make some genetic silly putty. Even though the plan makes no sense on any level because the genetic material for DNA is in the root of the Follicle and it doesn’t hold water to make genetic material out of a hair. And even though it is capable to hold a thousand pounds, it’s not impervious to bolt cutters! The next day Lacy continues to seduce Clark with a new series of articles called “Metropolis After Dark” and as that goes on Lois hands Clark the letter from Jeremy about how Superman is the only hope to stop us from winding up nuked! Feeling unsure what to do he consults the Elders of Krypton! (Show clip of the Elders of Krypton as they try to consult Superman even telling him to leave Earth because if they put their faith in him, he will be teaching them to be betrayed. Cut to James as he walks out of his office. Cut to the Fortress of Solitude just as The Elders of Krypton played by Eric Kurtzke and Ed Champion start to fade.)

TLOTA:
Excuse me, but you guys were supposedly the smartest people on Krypton. (Cut to the Elders)

Elder #1 (Played by Eric Kurtzke):
That is true. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
If that was the case, why in the hell didn’t you numbskulls listen to Jor-El! (Cut to the Elders)

TLOTA (Audio Only):
He knew the planet didn’t have long to live! So why in the name of Rao didn’t you say to him “Okay, we’ll listen to your wild idea to protect us, go to the Phantom Zone, then once Kal-El or as he is known as Superman here on earth is old enough, he’ll release us, hopefully. (Cut to James as he continues on.)

TLOTA:
Sure, it would be a tough transition, but you know what your people would’ve survived much better than basically being destroyed! (Cut to The Elders as they try to speak to one another and try to come up with an answer.)

Elder #1 (Played by Eric Kurtzke):
You see what you have done Kal-El! This mere human has been taught to expect betrayal!

Elder #2 (Played by Ed Champion):
Betrayed! Betrayed! Betrayed! BEEEETRAAAYED! (Cut to James as the two fade away.)

TLOTA:
Play the clip! (Show clip of Robert Wagner in Goldmember as he says “Oy Gevalt!”. Cut to Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Clark then decides to ask Lois what he should do after ripping off the romantic flying scene the two had from the first two movies and after the advice gives her the memory-erasing kiss again. How long that will last? I don’t know if it will. But after all that, it’s here we talk about this moment! A moment every internet reviewer that has seen this movie and reviewed this movie in one way or another has ripped to shreds! (Cut to Superman telling the United Nations that the Earth is his home too and has made the decision that the Governments are unwilling to do and he volunteers to rid our planet of all nuclear weapons! Cut to James in his office as he contacts Linkara once again fully clothed and having an ice pack on his schnuts!)

Linkara:
What do you want?!

TLOTA:
To explain Superman’s motivations behind his decision to be proactive in Nuclear Disarmament! (Cut to the clips of Superman ridding our planet of nuclear weapons as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
You said in your comic book adaptation of this movie and in your crossover with Allison Pregler that he should’ve been under the influence of some sort of Kryptonite to be acting the way he is in this movie, to which I call Bullshit! Christopher Reeve, who helped write the script, had altruistic reasons to make this Superman movie by volunteering the character to become a diplomat and saying that he is Volunteering to remove the nuclear weapons only to those that are willing to disarmament. If say Israeli forces say to Superman “We need our weapons! We are surrounded everywhere.” Superman is NOT going to say “Well you’re boned, good luck without your nuclear weapons!”. He will leave them to their own devices. Besides if Superman is doing this, he’s willingly trying to help humanity! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And… (Cut to Team TLOTA as they say “To Be Fair” in the same way Letterkenny does it. Cut to James) I would rather have an altruistic Superman saying he is willing to help in the peace process than say this… (Cut to the Injustice clip in which Superman tells the U.N. that this planet will be at peace now or I will destroy those who stand in my way! Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Anything you want to say for rebuttal? (Cut to Linkara)

Linkara:
It’s worth getting my balls waxed not to be a part of this review! (Cut to Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Superman begins his altruistic and noble endeavor to get rid of the nuclear weapons and his plan is to collect them all and toss them into the sun! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I await climate change proponents who say that is a smart idea! (Cut to Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
While that is happening, Lex Luthor brings in black market nuclear arms dealers to tell them his plan to stop Superman. He plans on using a box containing the protoplasm made from the cells and a few swatches of fabric and a built-in computer will make a suit for his creation. The missile is tossed into the sun and Nuclear Man played by Mark Pillow is born! Literally, he’s born and grows into an instant adult. One other thing, he’s voiced by Gene Hackman! And I also have to feel sorry for Pillow. The movie premiered in London and he was the only person dressed in his character as he had to come face to face with Princess Diana dressed as Nuclear Man! But enough drama and pathos, we have ourselves a comedy scenario with Lacy and Clark as they try to work out at a trendy gym! I should sue the producers of this movie for whiplash! Nuclear man makes his way to Lex’s penthouse as WAIT A SECOND! (Record scratches as the scene stops at Lenny as he is playing on the NES.) IS THAT A NINTENDO ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM? WITH A ROB THE ROBOT? (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
ORAC, get me someone who was in this movie and is still active in entertainment! (Static cuts to Jon Cryer as he grabs some Coffee.)

Jon Cryer:
Hi, who is this and how can I be of assistance! (Cut to a very surprised James)

TLOTA:
Ladies and gentlemen, the man himself, Jon Cryer! (Cut to Jon Cryer as he accepts applause from everyone. Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Glad you could be here, I am an internet reviewer, James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and I am reviewing a movie that features you and the first publicly known usage of a Nintendo Entertainment System on film. (Cut to Jon Cryer)

Jon Cryer:
I am in a movie that has the first known usage of a Nintendo on film! How about that? Which movie of mine was that? (Cut to a very nervous James)

TLOTA:
You know! That movie! (Cut to a slowly getting angry Jon Cryer.)

Jon Cryer:
Which movie, James? (Cut to the nervous James who is sweating Kryptonite Bullets)

TLOTA:
You remember (James blubs the title of the movie. Cut to a confused Jon Cryer.)

Jon Cryer:
What did you say the movie’s title was? (Cut to James as he prepares to crap Kryptonite Bricks and blubs the title.)

TLOTA:
You remember, the movie where (James blubs and speaks in tongues trying to avoid saying the movie’s plot and characters, and tosses in him doing the Bundy “Honk-Honk”, “Caa-Caa, Doo-Doo, Poo-Poo!” & “PEE-PEE!” and chuckling idiotically. Cut to a very confused Jon Cryer)

Jon Cryer:
Okay, I am according to the signal tracker app on my phone I am near where you are, I will be there momentarily and maybe you will be able to tell me what it is you're reviewing. (Jon Cryer walks away. Cut to a very relieved James)

TLOTA:
Phew! If he knew I was reviewing Superman IV: The Quest For Peace… (Cut to Jon Cryer who overheard James say the movie’s title.)

Jon Cryer (Angered):
HA! I knew you’d slip up! God FUCKING DAMN IT! Every single time I think it’s dead, Boom! Another one of you internet reviewers is harping on my performance as Lenny! Always making me the butt of the joke! ALWAYS MAKING ME SUFFER THE SLINGS AND ARROWS OF YOUR VENOM! I HAVE HAD MORE OF A CAREER THAN ANY OF YOU NUMBNUTS EVER HAD! I CARRIED CHARLIE SHEEN AND ASHTON FRICKING KUTCHER FOR A TOTAL OF TWELVE YEARS ON TWO AND A HALF MEN! I’VE BEEN IN SO MANY MOVIES AND TV SHOWS! I WAS LEX GOD DAMNED LUTHOR ON Melissa Benoist’s SUPERGIRL SERIES. BUT WHAT DOES EVERYONE GO BACK TO? EITHER DUCKIE FROM PRETTY IN PINK, which I don’t mind. OR THE ETERNALLY FLAMING TURD THAT CAN NEVER GO AWAY THAT YOU AND EVERYONE OF YOUR BRETHREN SEEM TO JUST NEVER WANT TO FORGET! And if that is the case, I am going to find you and as Lenny said best “YOU’RE GONNA GET IT!” (Jon Cryer walks away angrily! Cut to a very confused James)

TLOTA:
I just got threatened by Jon Cryer! I don’t know whether or not to accept it as a compliment or be scared that I may have made him crack and now he is going to kill people to get to me. I have a headache!

(James sits there nursing his headache as the scene fades to black it then cuts to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James entirely morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings "The Last Of The Americans." Cut to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme shows James entirely morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings "The Last Of The Americans." Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Nuclear Man makes it to Lex’s penthouse and as he threatens Lex and has the one thought of destroying Superman on his mind, we discover that without the Sun he’s about as useful as Gosei was in Power Rangers Megaforce/ Super Megaforce! And again, there are moments in which Nuclear Man is not in direct sunlight and he is still fine!  However, we soon find more unbearable comedic moments as Lois tries to interview Superman while Lacy tries to continue her attempts to get into Clark’s pants. And while it started off kind of funny, it was forcing itself just by trying too hard to be classic slap shtick! What breaks it up, thankfully is Lex’s communique as Superman meets Lex and Lenny as the two introduce Superman to Nuclear Man. The two have a fight around the world and their first stop is the Great Wall Of China where Superman uses Wall Repair Vision to fix the mess they make, how and when Superman has this ability, I don’t know and I don’t want to know! Then they go to Italy as Nuclear Man sets off a Friggin’ Volcano! Someone save The Pope! And just to show how they’re taking science behind the woodshed and beating it to death with an Aluminum Baseball Bat, Superman chops off a mountain, plugs the Volcano THEN uses his Ice Breath to freeze the possibly still molten lava! Giorni come questo mi ricordano che la revisione de Internet `e pericolosa per la mia salute mentale! Their next stop is Metropolis as The Statue of Liberty is hoisted off its stand by Nuclear Man and used to attack Superman and it looks like it was done for about a couple of weeks' worth of Groceries by standards! Superman grabs the Statue and in his distracted state, Nuclear Man’s Wolverine-style nails scratch Superman and somehow that weakens him. Why you may ask? (Cut to the clip from Dinosaurs where the announcer says “Why ask why? Drink Alcohol! Nobody Likes A Thinker!” Cut to Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Tired of the Warfields’ chicanery and the headlines proclaiming Superman’s death, Lois in a fit of exhaustion acts the way the audience did when they saw this movie. (Show clip of Lacy trying to make nice with Lois as David Warfield tells Lacy to fire Lois and Clark and Lacy tells her dad to “STUFF IT!”  and Lacy asks earnestly if Clark is okay and Lois walks away. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I forgot Lacy had some development from where she was in the beginning of this turkey!

(Cut to Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Still feeling the effects of the attack, Clark tries to recuperate as Lois gives Clark the Cape Nuclear Man knocked off Superman in their brawl, meanwhile, Lex begins to swim in the green and tells his Black-Market associates, he’s taking over and firing them! However, one McGuffin Crystal usage later, Superman is recovered and Nuclear Man has a crush on Lacy! If you’re asking “Why?” again, I refer you to the Drink Alcohol moment from Dinosaurs! One pointless moment later, Nuclear Man is stopped as Superman shoves Nuclear Man into an elevator and drops the dude on the moon! Where the doors open slightly then this happens! (Show battle between Superman & Nuclear Man on the moon, intercut with James hanging out with his niece Vivian as he tells her about how to do a movie on the cheap like Superman IV: The Quest For Peace, and the scene ending with Nuclear Man proclaiming a Victorious roar on the moon! Cut to the movie as James does his voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Nuclear Man arrives in The Daily Planet as Lacy tries to make her dad listen to reason about Journalism and takes her into space where she can comfortably breathe and exist! 

Vivian Lee Faraci (V.O.):
WHAT?!? (Cut to James and Vivian Lee Faraci)

Vivian Lee Faraci:
UNCLE JIMMY TELL ME THIS MOVIE IS TRYING TO BE FUNNY! I KNEW THAT A PERSON CAN SURVIVE IN SPACE WITHOUT A SPACESUIT WHEN I WAS THREE AND THAT WAS SIX YEARS AGO! IF A NINE-YEAR-OLD LIKE ME CAN FIGURE THIS OUT THEN WHY CAN’T WRITERS IN HOLLYWOOD FIGURE IT OUT!

TLOTA:
Okay, you clearly have been hanging out with me too much, not that I don’t mind but, I think your mom would hang me by my tootsies if you started to act and sound like me! Let me finish this and we’ll go swimming, okay kiddo!

Vivian Lee Faraci:
Okay, Uncle Jimmy! (The two hug and kiss and Vivian walk away. Cut to Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
However, Superman has had enough and decides to MOVE THE FRIGGIN’ MOON OUT OF ORBIT TO BLOCK THE SUN! AT THIS POINT SCIENCE IS GETTING ITS LAST RITES! Superman then quickly gets Lacy out of space and drops Nuclear Man into a Nuclear Reactor finishing him off, Perry buys the outstanding shares that Warfield didn’t buy making him a minority shareholder and saving the Daily Planet. Then we get the other big speech from Superman about Peace. (Cut to the infamous clip of Superman as he says “And there will be peace. But there will be peace when the people of the world want it so badly that their governments will have no choice but to give it to them!” Static cuts to Linkara.)

Linkara:
OKAY ASSHOLE! DEFEND THAT MOMENT! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
But I am literally moments away from being done! (Cut to Linkara)

Linkara:
You told me why Christopher Reeve turned Superman into a diplomat for trying to peacefully disarm the planet of nuclear weapons, then defend that moment, James Faraci The Last Of The Americans! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Okay, You want me to defend that moment? Fine! (James inhales and exhales deeply before it cuts to a disclaimer which says “Due to Political Climates being red hot, James has decided to not to include the speech! Simply putting the blame on Governments as to why we are never going to get world peace in our lifetimes as they’re being controlled by special interest groups and their own ego as to find out who is Number one and who can rule us all!” Cut to a very shocked and catatonic Linkara. Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Had enough logic overtaking you! (Cut to a very shocked and catatonic Linkara. Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Thought so! (Cut to Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And with that Lex and Lenny are dealt with as Superman tells Lex he’ll see him in 20 years! (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
And when did Superman Returns come out? (James turns to his right as the Poster for Superman Returns pops up and the year 2006 appears on it!) Buddy, you must have been psychic! (Cut to clips of Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And that was Superman IV: The Quest For Peace! And to be honest, it was bad! Was it the worst Superman movie ever made? That is still up for debate between this and if given a choice between Man Of Steel & the rest of the current DC Movie Crap and this movie, I’d take Quest For Peace over the next DC movie coming out! It is the cheapest and the shortest out of all of them, so in that regard, it is not the best movie DC has ever made. Does the science hold up? No! Does the moral of nuclear disarmament sound rational? Maybe to those who believe that nuclear weapons have made them feel uneasy. But when it’s not recycling itself, there is a decent movie about one man trying to help us make sure The Day After remains a TV Movie and not reality. But in good conscience, I cannot recommend this unless you want something on in the background while watching paint dry! (Cut to James physically as there is a knock at the door!)

TLOTA:
Now if you’ll excuse me, I am probably going to deal with one very pissed-off Jon Cryer! I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that’s my opinion! (James walks to the front door as he stares down the barrel of a weapon from Melissa Benoist’s Supergirl series!)

Jon Cryer:
HELLO WABBIT! (Does an Elmer Fudd laugh! Cut to a very shit scared James.)

TLOTA:
Uh would it be possible to get a head start? I tried to avoid this situation at all costs! (Cut to Jon Cryer)

Jon Cryer:
Did you think of not reviewing the movie? (Cut to a very shit scared James.)

TLOTA:
No, I kind of have to, it’s a thing, eventually, I have to review a movie that everyone else has! (Cut to Jon Cryer)

Jon Cryer:
Well then, it sucks to be you! (A voice in the background calls out “Uncle Jimmy!” Cut to Vivian Lee Faraci in a bathing suit)

Vivian Lee Faraci:
You said once you were done working, we would go swimming! (Cut to James as he has turned to talk to his niece.)

TLOTA:
And we will, after I take care of this problem, Okay Lovebug! (Cut to Vivian Lee as Julia Alexa Miller is in a Bathing Suit and walks Vivian Lee to the pool. Cut to James as Jon Cryer pulls his weapon back.)

Jon Cryer:
And she is…

TLOTA:
My youngest niece, her father, God bless his soul, was my brother, passed away in 2019 and now I have been doing my best to be there like her father and take an interest and help keep her head on her shoulders though admittedly I am afraid that she might be picking up some of my bad habits!

Jon Cryer:
I WHOLLY Understand you see I am trying my best to be there for my kids and… WAIT A SECOND! I’VE GOT YOUR ASS TO KICK! SAY GOODBYE JAMES FARACI THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS! (James does a Moe Howard Eye poke and starts to run as James can barely outrun Jon Cryer as he initiates an Escape Route that eventually sends James to the SUNY Sullivan County Community College as he heads to the science lab and comes up with an environmentally friendly adhesive which is strong as Super Glue!) Wait until I get out of this! I’m going to make you sorry!

TLOTA:
SHUT UP! Do you know I have been regretting doing this! I have avoided it for years! I’ve had requests like nobody’s business! My business partner Chad said I had to do this movie otherwise he’d have cancelled me for lack of production on my end! You know what its like to be in between jobs for long stretches. 

Jon Cryer:
I also know how to make the most out of my royalties!

TLOTA:
Well, I don’t have that luxury! It’s either work or die!

Jon Cryer:
Didn’t think about it that way!

TLOTA:
And from what I’ve gathered, Sales of Superman IV The Quest For Peace and Melissa Benoist’s Supergirl go up every time one of us Internet Reviewers checks that movie out!

Jon Cryer:
Again, did not know that! So, what you’re saying is that without you riffing my bad works apart, then I would have less to have in royalties? And you get squat! Sucks to be you but I get where you come from! Okay, I will let you slide, this time! But the next time we meet, you better do a positive review of one of my movies!

TLOTA:
You got it! Now if you don’t mind, I have one lovely lady and a very awesome niece waiting for me in a pool at my studio. Care to join me, Alex and my niece? (Cut to Jon Cryer as he tries the surf pool as James, Alex and his niece swim around in the pool. Fade to black)

My Top Ten "James Bond" movies

 ("The Name Is Bond... James Bond" at the 0:00-0:35 mark plays as we see a glass containing a drink on a tray while heading to a blackjack table; as it makes its way, a card lands on it, and when it reaches the table, A man takes both and reads what's on the card)

A Man:
Terribly sorry, but I must leave while I have my winnings. (Cut to a beautiful woman played by Julia Alexa Miller as she takes a drink.)

The Beautiful Woman:
A shame, I won't be able to reclaim what I lost from you, Mister.... (Cut to James Faraci dressed as James Bond)

TLOTA:
The Name's Faraci...(James drinks the drink in one gulp) James Faraci The Last Of The Americans (James slams the glass on the table as it cuts to a James Bond-esque opening at the 0:35-2:42 mark of "The Name Is Bond...James Bond". Cut to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans and heads to his office as "The Name is Bond...James Bond" finishes.)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours, the fact that the James Bond movies have been around for 60 years has surprised me! (Cut to various James Bond movies as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
But the fact he has endured so much, including being re-casted five times since Sean Connery was cast by Albert "Cubby" Broccoli's ION Productions, and that's not counting all the different other actors in the likes of Audio Dramas and Other Media, this character has become a group of characters that everyone on the planet knows about.  His movies through the decades have been hit and miss and that seems to be a weird thing for a Spy with a license to kill to have. But today, I am celebrating him by counting down 10 of my favorite movies featuring OO7. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Now Spoilers will be at a minimum, I will not be going in chronological order and all of these are my choices. So enjoy your favorite drink, Shaken Not Stirred. These are my Top Ten favorite James Bond Movies. (Cut to a panning gun barrel as it goes left to right as it finds James Faraci dressed as James Bond as the James Bond Theme by John Barry plays and James reenacts the James Bond Gun barrel moment and after the OO7 Logo is shown and on the top of the logo are the words "Top OO10 Favorite" and under the logo is the word "Movies". Cut to the gun barrel as it goes right to the left before reaching the center and the Number is shown.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Number 10 (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

OO10) Spectre

TLOTA (V.O.):
This was where Daniel Craig should have ended his run as James Bond because A) He was at his best in this performance. B) It felt like the natural stepping-off point for this version of James Bond and C) They had put a lot of the older continuity into the universe which includes the character of Ernst Stavro Blofeld played this time by Christoph Waltz. I found a lot to like about this movie. Especially the lengths James had to discover the truth and complete the mission. I would tell you how twisted it is but it would be spoiling everything and this is one time where I can't in good conscience tell you everything because it is so intense you need to see it for yourself.

(Cut to the gun barrel as it goes right to the left before reaching the center and the Number is shown.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Number 9 (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

OO9) The Living Daylights

TLOTA (V.O.):
A long time ago on MySpace, I was dismissive of this movie when I talked about the Timothy Dalton James Bond movies. However, as time has gone on I have begun to like this movie. Timothy Dalton does have a charm and wit when it comes to James Bond however what keeps that charm is the intensity that the producers wanted Dalton to exude. While yes Bond is supposed to have an intensity, he is also supposed to have a charm and be a gentleman of sorts. While I put this movie on as more of a guilty pleasure, this was also the slowest burning Bond Film to enjoy.

(Cut to the gun barrel as it goes right to the left before reaching the center and the Number is shown.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Number 8 (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

OO8) Die Another Day 

TLOTA (V.O.):
Yeah, Pierce Brosnan's final outing as James Bond may have been joke-filled because it was trying to hold its own against the Austin Powers films. However, as it had been talked about by Mathew "Film Brain" Buck and others, the real equal this franchise had was The Bourne Movies. But to me, there were so many likable goofy moments and they're balanced out by the drama of James Bond having been burned by MI-6 and having to reclaim his OO status and his job. All the while trying to figure out who it was that caused his initial mission to fail and for Bond to be imprisoned in North Korea for eighteen months. Was it the best way for Brosnan to bow out of Bond? No. Is there any good in this movie yes! And I strongly suggest you check it out. If for no other reason than just because it is the most fun James Bond Movie I've seen.

(Cut to the gun barrel as it goes right to the left before reaching the center and the Number is shown.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Number Double O 7 (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

OO7) The World Is Not Enough

TLOTA (V.O.):
This to me is Pierce Brosnan's, James Bond at its finest the story is so layered and involved that it had to begin in what could've been thrown away. The intro scenes. The characters have a purpose! The plot involves an industrial oil line and how it could shape the west. And a lot of the things mentioned still hold up. However, I must address the elephant in the room, Denise Richards! I am willing to suspend my disbelief about someone who is good-looking and can be a nuclear scientist. Denise's acting? Not as good. It should sound like she is serious about the subject matter, but it sounded like she was bored when it came out of her. But still, she was a decent Bond Girl. What really makes the movie good and bad is the humor. I get that Austin Powers' popularity was on the rise while he was making fun of the classic version of James Bond. So what was James Bond's producers' response? Add some more humor into the mix. Not saying there weren't humorous moments but this was tipping from like the right balance of humor to say "Die Another Day" levels of bad humor. The best jokes came from Zukovsky, played by Robbie Coltraine. He could turn an ordinary one-liner and make it awesome! As much as everything else works, if for no other reason, watch this movie just to see Robbie Coltraine!

(Show the clip of Zukovsky saying "I am looking for a submarine! It's big and black and the driver is a good friend of mine!" and then to the clip of Zukovsky's Caviar factory falling apart and him saying "The insurance company is NEVER going to believe this!" Cut to the gun barrel as it goes right to left before reaching the center and the Number is shown.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Number 6 (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

OO6) Tomorrow Never Dies 

TLOTA (V.O.):
Yep, another Pierce Brosnan Bond movie but this is the last one. After Goldeneye showed Pierce's natural charisma as James Bond. We get more of the character's nuances and more of what made Pierce Brosnan a perfect James Bond for the time. He had gotten the darkness of Dalton while being as somewhat serious as Moore. He brought his own sensibilities to the role while bringing in the suave attitude of Connery all while putting making Bond a more evolved character than he had been. Plot-wise this James Bond film has to stop a media mogul from creating a war that would cause billions of deaths. And to be fair (Cut to everyone in Team TLOTA to say "To Be Fair" in the same way "Letterkenny" does it. Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover.) Given the people who now run the media, it wouldn't surprise me if they wanted it just so people can be influenced to think what the media says is true and individual thought is considered forbidden. So I thank you for taking down the media before it caused an even bigger war.

(Show clip of Elliot Carver's death as James Bond says "You forgot the first rule of Mass Media Elliot! GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT!" as Elliot Carver gets carved up like a Turkey. Cut to the gun barrel as it goes right to the left before reaching the center and the Number is shown.)

TLOTA (V.O.):

Number 5(Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

OO5) Casino Royale

TLOTA (V.O.):
When I heard the title for Daniel Craig's initial outing as Bond, I was weary I had seen the Peter Sellers spoof, and a lot of people were wondering how well Daniel would be. To my surprise, he was actually a great James Bond in this movie. The follow-ups, not so much. I really put this as Daniel Craig at his Bond best and while the movie was nothing like The Peter Sellers spoof. This is the most grounded James Bond movie I've ever seen. If you have seen it, then you know how intense and how amazing it is. If you haven't, then you need to see it.

(Cut to the gun barrel as it goes right to the left before reaching the center and the Number is shown.)

TLOTA (V.O.):

Number 4(Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

OO4) Goldeneye

TLOTA (V.O.):
After the end of the 1980s  the Bond Franchise and by extension James Bond was "M" played in this movie and in future installments by Dame Judi Dench said best "A Sexist, Misogynist, Dinosaur, A Relic of the Cold War." and it was clear that the franchise needed a break. By the mid-1990s classic Bond style was getting back in style and we needed a new Bond film. And after a decade's wait, Pierce Brosnan after having to recuse himself from The Living Daylights was able to sign on to breathe a new breath into the venerated franchise, and Pierce Brosnan did right by giving James Bond the evolution that was dying to come out. And in this movie, it was clear that Bond was Back and better than ever, and everything that people had hoped would happen. It was topical enough to be relevant, classy enough to be entertaining, and right from the get-go Pierce Brosnan got James Bond and it worked in the movie's favor. If you haven't seen it, then you better because most of the modern Bond was started right here! I know most of this list is praise to Brosnan but before he came on board, the franchise was for all intent and purposes dead! It had lost itself to what it was and lost touch with its audience. Pierce Brosnan deserves to be respected as an amazing actor! 

(Cut to the gun barrel as it goes right to the left before reaching the center and the Number is shown.)

TLOTA (V.O.):

Number 3 (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

OO3) Dr. No

TLOTA (V.O.):
This movie set a lot of templates for future James Bond films.  The classic theme song, Outlandish plots, over-the-top villains, daring adventures, beautiful women, and of course a Medium Dry Vodka Martini with a lemon peel garnish, Shaken not Stirred. It has become a classic and if you haven't seen it before you see any of the others on or off this list then I HIGHLY suggest you see what brought James Bond out of the literary world and into the mainstream and what gave us the iconic Late Sean Connery.

(Cut to the gun barrel as it goes right to the left before reaching the center and the Number is shown.)

TLOTA (V.O.):

Number 2(Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

OO2) Goldfinger

TLOTA (V.O.):

Call me crazy for putting this in the number 2 spot but this popularity overrates this one a little, however, it's not a bad movie, Far from it! I love the song that came from this one. I love the acting, writing, direction, and plot, everything worked about this movie. It was the movie that solidified James Bond's popularity in the 1960s and helped put Sean Connery's career on a different trajectory. And as many Bond Fans do still love this one and I am a Bond fan, most fans agree that their first Bond Film is their favorite and for me, my favorite is my first and that happens to be...

(Cut to the gun barrel as it goes right to the left before reaching the center and the Number is shown.)

TLOTA (V.O.):

My Number 1 OO7 movie... (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

OO1) A View to A Kill

TLOTA (V.O.):
I know for many Roger Moore's final outing as OO7  is not his best. But a lot of what made the movie work goes to the writing, the Bond Girl of Stacey Sutton played by the late Tonya Roberts. The Humor was well-timed and of course, CHRISTOPHER FRICKING WALKEN IS THE BAD GUY! CHRISTOPHER WALKEN! THAT AUTOMATICALLY RAISES THE BAR FOR THIS BOND FILM FROM BEING A (Cut to The Batman Returns clip of Max Schreck saying "Yawn". Cut to A View To A Kill. as James does a voiceover) into something more entertaining than it would've been. If for no other reason than for Christopher Walken then there's no reason for you to see this movie. Roger Moore's final outing as OO7 is my favorite Bond Film and to me, my favorite James Bond movie I have seen, thus far. (Cut to James physically) 

TLOTA:
Are there any Bond films that you think are better? Let Me know in the comments section! Next time, is my ninth anniversary and I think I shall take on a Quest For Peace. If that's not the least subtle of hints I had for what I am reviewing then I don't know what is. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That's My Opinion!

Roll Me Over "Beethoven"

(The scene begins with a laser beam in the sky as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as four shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be James Faraci in the center, Kent Lilly and Paulo Fonseca on the right and Rebecca Yaun on the left as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving towards the camera, four more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear, and the shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on the right, Nick Yaun on the left, and John and Mike Santos and their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving forward moving towards the camera, five more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as they reveal themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on the right, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion on the left, and Olivia Horvath appears in the center as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame credits of “Written by James Faraci with assistance from Steve Kidd, Edited by Eric Kurtzke, Makeup by Olivia Horvath Produced by First Choice Productions, Directed by James Faraci” as it ends the Laser beam disappears and at the 0:28 mark of the theme song the laser beam cut out the words “The” “Last” “Of” “The” appear. At the 0:32-0:36 mark, the term “Americans” start to come forward as it pulls down, and James’ Morpher and Sonic Screwdriver is flung into the frame as James grabs both and morphs into The Last Of The Americans with James and half of team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans.” Cut to Steve Kidd as he hums “Yum-Dee-Dee-Dee-Dee-Dee-Hua-Hua!” as he prepares to check in on James as there is audio coming from Studio’s break room with James’s shouting of “EENIE, MEENIE, MINEY DIE!” and the break room breaking out into angry cross-talking. Steve walks in to see James, Julia Alexa Miller with Team TLOTA dressed in Neo-Classical/Napoleonic era high society wear except for Chad Narducci as the others try to shove Chad towards James and Alex trying to keep the two away. Cut to Steve as he looks very confused and he knocks on the door as it cuts to James turning and putting down the Bowie Knife.)

TLOTA:
Steve? Hey, what’s up with you dude? (Cut to Steve Kidd)

Steve Kidd:

I was about to ask you the same thing! (Cut to everyone else)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Well, Steve, it’s a bit complicated and crazy! (Cut to Steve Kidd)

Steve Kidd:
I’m all ears. (Cut to Team TLOTA)

Paulo Fonseca:
Well Firstly, James thought he wanted to do something a little classier than the usual fare around here.

Brenda Fonseca:
So he figured on reviewing a movie on the works and life of one Ludwig Von Beethoven

John Santos:
And for research’s sake unlike JFK or Amadeus, James decided that we were to go to the time of Ludwig Von Beethoven and listen to his work and story in case the movie decided to skip over crucial details.

Mike Santos:
So we find ourselves heading to the Neo-Classical/Napoleonic Era of music, the 1810’s when from out of nowhere, boom, creatures from God only knows wherever they came from find themselves trying to kill Beethoven!

Andrew Beach:
James hits the notes for Beethoven’s Fifth thus inspiring the Maestro to compose the piece.

Ed Champion:
We’re soon run out of there with our asses nearly getting slaughtered because Eric called Napoleon’s plans crazy.

Eric Kurtzke:
And Renee may have made a reference to Napoleon’s height which really set the dude off. (Cut to James and Julia Alexa Miller)

TLOTA:
And just when I think the worst is behind us, Chad didn’t even get us the right movie! (Cut to Steve Kidd)

Steve Kidd:
Well to my knowledge, there was never a movie about the classic composer. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
EXACTLY! HE HAD TO GET ME THE ONE WITH THE OBNOXIOUS CREATURE and A Saint Bernard! (Cut to the title card of Beethoven from the trailer and clips from the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Released in 1992, Beethoven was a surprise hit at the time but quickly fell into obscurity as the decade went on, and not helping is the less than spectacular sequels with the first sequel being the exception! But after falling into obscurity does the first movie still have some relevance? (Cut to James’s office as clothes are flying off and James comes into the frame in a Button-up American Flag Shirt and Carpenter Jeans.)

TLOTA:
The rest of the team didn’t like that Black with the Stars and Stripes shirt so, yeah, another shirt but this one looks like my classic shirt. Let’s just get into the doghouse with Beethoven! (Cut to Beethoven as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens up rather dark as we see a run-down warehouse filled with dogs that are being used for illegal experimentation! Pretty dark way to open a family-friendly film! We then meet the henchmen for the villain played by of all people Stanley Tucci and Oliver Platt! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
This movie is starting off with a very dark motif! (Cut to Beethoven as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And if you think I’m kidding, we’re soon introduced to the villainous Dr. Varnick played by of all people DEAN JONES! And GOOD FRICKING LORD Those eyeglasses add a level of extra creepy! Even creepier? Dean Jones actually stayed in that creepy character in-between takes! (Shudders) We then cut to a pet shop where we meet our eventual hero as a little puppy as people reject the poor pooch for either different dogs or for financial reasons or even one who the pup rejects because being stuck with a punk motorcyclists who has a junkyard to run. That night our knuckleheads enter the pet shop avoiding the security alarm and grab as many pups in sight, even our St. Bernard pup is taken when…(The Oliver Platt thug accidentally steps in the beam setting off the alarm and him saying “I Stepped In The Beam!” Cut to the “Naked Gun 33 & 1/3” Head slapping clip. Cut to Beethoven as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Running like the knuckleheads they are, the two get away scot-free. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And you know what even today they’d get away with it, legally too! Thanks, Mr. President! (Cut to Beethoven as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
However, one little bump in the road later a Jack Russell Terrier frees our soon to be hero as the two escape as the Jack Russell Terrier goes one way the St. Bernard puppy makes his way to the home of the Newtons played by Charles Grodin, Bonnie Hunt, Nicholle Tom, Christopher Castile, and Sarah Rose Karr. And immediately the puppy causes two things dread for George Newton played by Grodin, and something for the rest of the family to bond over. George reluctantly decides to let the family keep the pup and When Emily plays the obvious piece from the Maestro himself everyone now knows him as…(Cut to the musical notes and then a picture of Ludwig Von Beethoven. Cut to George as he says “Beethoven”) Cue the montage! (Show the montage of Beethoven growing up. Cut to James as he ducks the slime only for Chad to walk in and get encased in the slime! James gets up and sees the mess)

TLOTA:
Okay, we’re going to clean up the place and Chad as well! We’ll be back! (James carries Chad as the scene fades to black it then cuts to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James entirely morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings "The Last Of The Americans." Cut to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme shows James entirely morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings "The Last Of The Americans." Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As Beethoven and the Newtons settle into normalcy, we soon discover Beethoven’s Veterinarian is the same sadistic doctor we saw at the beginning of this movie and plants seeds that if something ain’t kosher George better handle it quickly. We also discover that George owns a struggling Car Air Freshener company and is looking to woo new investors and he soon finds them in Yuppie Couple Brad and Brie played by shockingly enough David Duchovny and Patricia Heaton! YES! AGENT FOX MULDER AND DEBRA BARONE are in the same movie with a demented Dean Jones, a put-upon Charles Grodin, two classically trained actors playing stooges to the demented Dean Jones, A Pre-Cheaper By The Dozen Bonnie Hunt, The oldest of The Sheffield’s Children from The Nanny, one of the kids from Step By Step and the little girl who tried to stand up to Arnold by saying “I’m not a policeman, I’m a Princess” in Kindergarten Cop! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I don’t know how much more 1990s I can take in this movie! (Cut to Beethoven as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
However George isn’t the only one who has problems, His son Ted played by Castile is getting bullied, His oldest daughter Ryce(That’s a weird thing to name your kid by the way) played by Tom is ignored by a guy she wants to talk to and Emily is just herself and just in case I forgot Alice played by Hunt; She’s being railroaded into returning to working at George’s Car Air Freshener factory! Meanwhile Beethoven becomes well known in the neighborhood. As we find him reconnecting momentarily with the Jack Russell Terrier that rescued him and then Beethoven decides to help introduce Ryce to the man she has a crush on, secretly helps Ted deal with the Bullies and as for Alice after being talked down to by Duchovny and Heaton and forced to leave her kids at a neglectful babysitter RESCUES EMILY FROM NEARLY DROWNING!  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And you wonder why the dog is the hero of the movie and not Charles Grodin! (Cut to Beethoven as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As Alice says “No more neglectful babysitting”, she decides to park it back home to be with the kids. Which is her choice and to be fair…(Cut to the team as they say “To Be Fair” in the same way as Letterkenny . Cut to James in his office.)

TLOTA:
I applaud her for putting her family ahead of her jackass husband and his dumbass ambitions! (Cut to Beethoven as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Though admittedly there are moments when George does have moments of development where he is concerned for his family and his business, he also seems to soften when it come to his kids and their relationship with Beethoven and a lot of it comes out of the late Charles Grodin’s performance, he was known for a deadpan approach to comedy and in something like the character of George Newton he was able to be more than just deadpan, he was able to show that he does love his kids and wants to do right by them. But a lot of the time, George is blaming the dog for his own problems, personally and professionally! And if you think I’m being facetious, Brad and Brie basically insult the kids and his wife in a snark and snide filled avalanche of comments at a Barbeque when Beethoven overhears the two and their desire to take over the company, sell it to China and make enough money to swim in it! So, guess who comes out like a winner in this moment and it ain’t George! (Show clip of Beethoven giving those yuppies the ride of their lives and getting them out of George’s life. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Good and smart doggie! (Cut to Beethoven as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
George having enough of Beethoven has made it clear that he blames the dog for his professional and personal downfall when Alice tells him that Beethoven did the right thing by giving those meshugas the ride they deserved! However, the kids realize how hard it has been for their dad and decide to take over the responsibilities of caring for Beethoven. While that goes on Varnick’s goons recapture the Jack Russell Terrier and Varnick under the guise of going for a home visit and check up on Beethoven engages his plan to get his hands on Beethoven. (Show clip of Varnick planting blood on his arm and on Beethoven and proceeds to punch and attack Beethoven and the chaos that ensues as Emily tells her dad the truth as Varnick lies through his teeth and threatens to press charges if Beethoven is not in his office to be destroyed. Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
Gee who to side with? Your family who has been loyal to every single movement you have done or a guy who you’ve only known because all he’s done is made you paranoid about something that hasn’t harmed you or your family! (Show clip of George taking Beethoven to the Veterinarian’s office. Cut to James physically as he takes his glasses off, moves his chair out of the way, and proceeds to bang his head on the wall behind him. Show clip of George’s lamentation. Cut to James again.) NO! NO! NO! George! You’re the wrong one here, your wife will file for divorce, your children will petition to have their names changed and consider that Newton Air Freshener business you want to succeed, SUNK! (Cut to Beethoven as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Okay, I exaggerated a bit. While George does have second thoughts, he goes through with it and his family is still disappointed in his actions. (Show clip of George Newton sitting and regretting his decisions and asking Alice “Did I do the wrong thing?” Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
To quote the late great Tony Stark: “Let’s do a headcount here!”. Complete and total douches insulted your family, You cared more about your Air Freshener business than your family most of the time, You blamed your downfall on a dog that united your family, You got suckered into a plan of Dr. Varnick’s to use Beethoven and god knows how many dogs he has experimented on and definitely killed because he threatened legal action and AGAIN you went against your family when it came to what the truth was about the event and now you’re wondering if you did the wrong thing, Would everyone come in here and join me in answering this jackass’s question? (Everyone goes into the office ready to answer.)

Steve Kidd:
Quick question who’s the jackass? Chad, whom I am starting to hate for what he’s doing to you and everyone else, or George Newton for his actions. 

TLOTA:
George Newton for sacrificing the family’s dog because he was pressured into it by a corrupt Veterinarian and George asked if he did the wrong thing by folding like a piece of paper.

Renee Miller:
Well, the obvious answer is…

Everyone (In Unison!):

YES!

TLOTA:
CONGRATS GEORGE NEWTON, I OFFICIALLY DECLARE YOU THE BIGGEST AND DUMBEST DUMBASS DAD IN ALL OF FAMILY-FRIENDLY CINEMA! Give this jackass what he rightfully deserves! (Show everyone flipping George the bird! Cut to Beethoven as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Okay, I am being harsh, Alice does tell George that this doesn’t add up so literally that night, everyone and I MEAN every single family member that George has alienated decides to confront Varnick. Oh, and that shot inside the safe? The same director who directed this movie directed not only the first live-action Flintstones movie but its prequel as well. (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
As a matter of fact, I want to see what else he did! (James scrolls to discover the same director who directed this movie also directed Problem Child 2, Jingle All The Way, both Live-Action Cartoon Network Scooby-Doo movies, among other kid movies.) Holy smokes that’s a lot of kid films! (Cut to Beethoven as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
George and his family demand Beethoven back however Varnick’s paper-thin ruse starts to fall apart to George’s surprise: NO BITE MARKS and No Beethoven! Varnick threatens legal charges against George but George finally grows the pair that he should have had all this time and drops Varnick like a bad habit! Of course, George tries to inform the police however they prove their value again by doing nothing as George and the family decide to take action in their own hands and follow Varnick to his hideout as he plans on using Beethoven for a Bullet test and the Jack Russell Terrier for an extensive sedative test! Also, he has Tweedle Dee-Dee-Dee and Tweedle Doi get rid of the evidence which probably includes deceased dogs! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Yeah, again this movie is DARK! (Cut to Beethoven as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Beethoven breaks out just as the numbskulls grab his Jack Russell Terrier friend, however, Varnick comes in ready to put that test bullet through Beethoven until George does his best Batman drop which sets the gun off and while Alice tries to call the cops, Ted decides to go full FAST & FURIOUS ramming the car into the hideout. Wait, What? Shouldn’t Ryce have done that? She is the oldest! Oh well, it works as Varnick is pumped with all the sedatives. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Well, I’m sure he was able to defend himself and his actions when it went to trial. (Cut to a courtroom as a Judge played by Paulo Fonseca sits.)

The Judge:
How does the defendant plea? (Cut to a very unintelligible Dr. Varnick as he gargles, drools, and sits in a chair and his attorney Rafael Barba played by Andrew Beach.)

Rafael Barba:
Due to circumstances beyond his control, I am entering a Not Guilty plea on behalf of my client. (Cut to ADA Dominic Carisi played by James Faraci.)

ADA Dominic Carisi:
Your honor, this anti-cop scumbag’s client has been charged with… (Cut to Rafael Barba)

Rafael Barba:
Hey, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa! Anti-Cop?! Carisi, I was the ADA for SVU while you were getting kicked around all the boroughs in New York before Benson took pity on you. (Cut to ADA Dominic Carisi)

ADA Dominic Carisi:
And you let the murderer of Kathy Stabler get off scot-free… (Cut to Rafael Barba)

Rafael Barba:
Oh, Jesus Christ! This again!... (Cut to ADA Dominic Carisi)

ADA Dominic Carisi:
Yeah, AGAIN! I used to respect you and then you do this sh…(Cut to the Judge as he shouts for “Order In The Court” as the two continue to Argue. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
George is glad to know his children are safe and Beethoven is safe as well as a brief argument as to what happened that led to what happened literally a few minutes ago! The Newtons release the captive dogs to go after Varnick’s goons and just when the two think they got away and gloat! A pack of Dobermans, Well… (Cut to the POV of the Dobermans before cutting to a black screen filled with blood. Cut back to the movie as James continues his voiceover.) I AM KIDDING! Varnick and his associates are arrested and sentenced to life for Animal Abuse, George learns to better balance himself between his family and the life he wants and the movie ends with Beethoven and all his doggie friends sleeping in the same room as George and Alice and enough sequels to choke a franchise to death! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So that was Beethoven, it was every early 1990’s family film trope and it worked and I loved it! (Cut to clips of Beethoven as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
On paper, this would’ve been another boring family movie with a disruptive force that makes the family come together but what makes this one different is how the writing was strong, the cast worked well off each other, the pacing is amazing and I really think it doesn’t deserve to be set aside as yet another 1990’s fossil. If you have seen it, then I strongly suggest you check out this movie. It is worth being dug up and shown to everyone once again. It’s a good dog! (Cut to James physically and Steve walks in looking for something)

Steve Kidd:
Excuse me James, I’m going to put Chad out of our misery! 

TLOTA:
What did he do now?

Steve Kidd:
He said he got lazy and found a copy of that movie you wanted to do but didn’t want to go to New Jersey, insulted New Jersey and Now I’m going to make him suffer.

TLOTA:
Steve, I will handle this! I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that’s my opinion!

Connect The Plots: MCU+NETFLIX Marvel Series+ Disney Plus MCU Series=The Snap

(Opening begins at the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours, and welcome to another edition of "Connect The Plots" (Cut to a scene of James trying to connect certain things together like the theatrical version of "Halloween: The Curse Of Michael Myers" & "Halloween: H20", All the movie adaptations of Stephen King, Superman Returns to the original Salkind Superman movies, the first three X-Men movies to the newer ones and the "Wolverine" & "Deadpool" movies before cutting to James strapped down in a straight jacket all the while a kid sings "Connect The Plots La-La-La!" before panning down to see anything that might have a minor connection spell the words "Connect The Plots" before cutting to clips of The Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Netflix Marvel Series, and the Disney+ Marvel Series as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
At the time of this post, The Marvel Cinematic Universe has become the most successful cinematic franchise BAR NONE! Since the inception of the MCU has made a whopping twenty-three BILLION dollars! And has gone on to make more revenue through their Disney+ series, "Agent Carter", "Agents Of SHIELD" and something that has been questioned since both the "Hawkeye" series and "Spider-Man: No Way Home" is something that had been dismissed by fans as cannon is the Netflix series Starring Daredevil, Jessica Jones, Luke Cage, Iron Fist and The Punisher. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Why is that? Well, at the time the series was on Netflix, The MCU was in its second phase which ended with Avengers: Age Of Ultron. When they were forcibly ended some were in the middle of good storylines or baiting for more seasons. So as the MCU continued these series fell into obscurity and not helping was the failures of "Marvel's Inhumans" and I wholly understand. But after watching the Disney+ Marvel Series with the exception of Moon Knight which I'm in starting to watch, the Netflix Marvel series, and the MCU. I think I can clear up the canonicity problem with...(James pulls out a fully loaded Infinity Gauntlet) A snap! (The sound of Thor shouting "NO!" is heard as the snap takes place and it cuts to the ending of "Avengers Infinity War", post-credit scenes of "Ant-Man and The Wasp", "Captain Marvel", the scene with Yelena played by Florence Pugh as she disintegrates in "Hawkeye"  and the NETFLIX Marvel Series as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
When Thanos snapped the infinity gauntlet the initial fears, sorrows, and confusion hit the populace there were people everywhere trying to make sense of things and in the five boroughs of New York City, the same city where The Avengers was born it was as hard as the weeks went on and people were wondering what had happened to their friends, their family, their loved ones. It was as if the world was over and the ones that survived the snap didn't feel like the lucky ones. Of course, there would also be a sense of anarchy as criminals who wouldn't have been noticed were now feeling more empowered, without The Avengers, who was going to stop them. This is where the story of Daredevil, Jessica Jones, Luke Cage, Danny "Iron Fist" Rand, Jessica Jones, and Frank Castle AKA The Punisher would be connected in the MCU. Where we pick up is after Thanos had been killed weeks after the snap. As The Kingpin would try to rise to power and be a voice that would try to organize the underworld. Then we have the likes of the Purple Man of Jessica Jones played by David Tennant AKA The Tenth Doctor, the villains of Luke Cage and "Iron Fist" would try to do whatever it would take to restore those lost in the snap which is why in The Defenders there was talk about the plans of The Hand had. The Hand possibly lost quite a few million forces to The Snap. Even then if Wilson Fisk AKA The Kingpin played by Vincent D'Onofrio had a run-in with Ronin FKA Hawkeye played by Jeremy Renner, it probably would've happened in Season four of Daredevil if it had happened. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So how does The Punisher fit into the mix? Well... (Cut to the Netflix Marvel The Punisher series as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
From the beginning, it looked like Frank Castle's family was taken from him before the start of the MCU. Most likely after Frank left the Armed Forces is when both Frank lost his family and Tony Stark lost his apathy in a cave tormented by Terrorists who would gladly use his tech to kill innocent people. But whereas Tony Stark went on to publicly do right, Frank went on to become The Punisher, hunting criminals and everyone who was close to those who murdered his family in cold blood. After getting what he felt was the justice for his family and the events of the Snap and his time on "Daredevil" he was more than willing to go underground, disappear but when certain things came back to light, Frank had to don the Skull Shirt and go on the hunt once again. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So if these series happened after the snap and before the "ENDGAME" where were they when Earth's mightiest heroes needed them? Well, maybe they were where they needed to be? (Cut to the "ENDGAME" battle with Thanos as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
These were the street-level heroes in the MCU. Any sort of issues that The Avengers were dealing with, The Defenders were making sure the streets were safe from Thanos' attacks should they come to the streets. And with Wilson Fisk in exile until the news of what happened in "ENDGAME" was over would he return in "Hawkeye" and Matt Murdock would be helpful to Peter Parker partly due to the fact that Happy knew that Matt was on Tony Stark's retainer, should things go south. And now with The Avengers have fought their last battle, the remaining Defenders and The Punisher decided now is the time to go back to the shadows of the streets where they came from and try to hide until called for in the MCU. And that's not a bad idea all things considering Tony Stark and all he's done. But even after the "ENDGAME" they deserve to be recognized at the same level as The Avengers were. But after connecting the universes together better than how Mysterio did so in "Far From Home" I can tell you right now. But who knows maybe when I see "Multiverse Of Madness", that movie will do a better job than I did. But for now, at this moment, I enjoy what The Defenders did as much as how The Avengers fought to save the day. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, and that's my opinion!