(The scene begins with a laser beam in the sky as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as four shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be James Faraci in the center, Kent Lilly and Paulo Fonseca on the right and Rebecca Yaun on the left as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving towards the camera, four more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear, and the shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on the right, Nick Yaun on the left, and John and Mike Santos and their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving forward moving towards the camera, five more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as they reveal themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on the right, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion on the left, and Olivia Horvath appears in the center as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame credits of “Written by James Faraci with assistance from Steve Kidd, Edited by Eric Kurtzke, Makeup by Olivia Horvath Produced by First Choice Productions, Directed by James Faraci” as it ends the Laser beam disappears and at the 0:28 mark of the theme song the laser beam cut out the words “The” “Last” “Of” “The” appear. At the 0:32-0:36 mark, the term “Americans” start to come forward as it pulls down, and James’ Morpher and Sonic Screwdriver is flung into the frame as James grabs both and morphs into The Last Of The Americans with James and half of team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans.” Cut to James in his office.)
TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Nine Years! Nine years I have waited for this moment! Nine Years I have waited for this exact moment! I am going to review for my ninth-year anniversary, Superman IV: The Quest For Peace! (Static cuts James’ feed as it cuts to Linkara.)
Linkara:
Okay James, let’s do this! Now the people who produced this movie were not the Salkinds even though they were credited as the creators, that was it. As you said best in your Jay & Silent Bob Reboot review I have more involvement in the Power Rangers Franchise than Saban does and Alexander and Ilya Salkind had about as much to do with Superman IV The Quest For Peace! (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Linkara. (Cut to Linkara)
Linkara:
And Christopher Reeve’s involvement had to come with an assurance that Golan-Globus’ Cannon films, the people who actually made this movie, would finance a project he wanted to do which was called Street Smart which was Morgan Freeman’s big break! The only reason Margot Kidder and the rest of the cast returned including Gene Hackman was because the relationship was so bitter and contentious between the cast and the Salkinds over the firing of Richard Donner during Superman II’s Production that they’d rather have done a Superman movie produced by Uwe Boll than with the Salkinds again! (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Linkara! (Cut to Linkara)
Linkara:
And after the disappointments that happened with Superman III and Supergirl The Movie Alexander and Ilya Salkind were tired and sold the movie rights for an option to Cannon Films who slashed the budget from Thirty-Seven Million Dollars to about half of it and most of what was left went into settling lawsuits and the other half went into making the Masters Of The Universe movie. (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
LINKARA! (Cut to a surprised Linkara)
Linkara:
What?! (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
What are you doing? (Cut to Linkara)
Linkara:
I’m giving the pertinent information about Superman IV: The Quest For Peace! I have been the go-to guy for this type of information! I have been the go-to guy for a team-up review on Superman IV: The Quest For Peace for a long time! So, with that in mind, let me do what I need to do before we talk about this turkey! (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
I appreciate the help, I truly do! However, I already know every single detail about this movie! I did not say I was doing this as a team-up review! I am going to take Superman IV: The Quest For Peace on as a movie that I know a lot about! I am going to talk about this movie on my own! Besides who asked you to come on and review this movie with me. (Cut to Linkara)
Linkara:
Well, I got an E-Mail from Chad Narducci who had seen me and Allison Pregler review this movie for her series Movie Nights and my Atop The Fourth Wall episode on the Comic Book Adaptation and told me to come on board! (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Oy, I have avoided telling anyone this but it’s backstory time. Last year, after the fallout from the events at the end of my Wonder Woman 1984 review, Chad took majority ownership of my production company, First Choice Productions as retribution for the years he lost! This explains the God-awful Daytime Internet Talk Show idea which died a quick and painful death on YouTube. And he has more that he wants to do and I cannot stop him. I can run my series no problem, however, anything I want to do has to be approved by him! Meaning the planned event, I had with you and your associates formerly from that site, is now on hold, indefinitely! (Cut to Linkara)
Linkara:
So this means I don’t have to work with you or go to your little Pissant Podunk county? Well then, SCREW YOU! I’M FREE! I’M FREE! (Linkara runs off-screen as clothes are tossed onto the futon!)
Linkara (O.S.):
I’M FREE! I’M FREE! I’M FREE! I AM NUDE AND BEAUTIFUL AND I AM FREE!
Viga (O.S.):
LINKARA GET YOUR ASS SOME CLOTHES ON OR I SWEAR I WILL SHOVE THESE DOLLAR STORE BOOTLEG MY LITTLE PONY FIGURES IN YOUR PENIS AND I WILL YOU WAX YOUR BALLS MYSELF! (Cut to James looking very disturbed and shaking his head with a Blu-ulb-Blu!)
TLOTA:
Well, better get to it! (Cut to the title card of Superman IV: The Quest For Peace then clips to Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Yes, the nail in the coffin that put Superman into the ground and off the big screen until 2006, Superman IV: The Quest For Peace is meant to be intellectual, purposeful, and topical. What happened was the opposite of its intent. It quickly dates itself, becomes irrelevant to the times, and dumbs down EVERYTHING about the Nuclear Arms race. But is there anything, and I MEAN ANYTHING WORTH TALKING ABOUT IN THIS NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP? (Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
Seeing as how Linkara tried to give relevant information about this movie that took time away from me reviewing this. I think we’re ready…
Viga (A.O.):
DO THE BACKSTORY! AS TO HOW WE GOT HERE!
TLOTA:
How did she do that?
(Cut to clips of the Superman movie franchise up to the point of Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
In 1978, after fifteen years of being considered fodder for parody or jokes about a community that I would not make jokes about and basically seen as the least valuable part of the Superfriends cartoons. Alexander and Ilya Salkind produced the first great Comic Book Movie of our generation with Superman directed by the late Richard Donner and starring the late Christopher Reeve. However, tensions between the Salkinds and Donner during Superman’s productions caused Richard Donner to be fired in the middle of the production of Superman II. Replacing Donner with Richard Lester. Lester returned to the helm in Superman III and I sure as hell don’t have to tell you what happened with that movie. Then of course came Supergirl The Movie, end of that discussion. This leads us to this movie. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Now Without any further interruptions, any MORE cameos, ANYTHING ELSE CHAD WANTS TO THROW MY WAY! Let’s get to it, this is Superman IV: The Quest For Peace! (Cut to Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
So the movie opens with credits done on the budget of a gallon of gas by today’s standards as… (“Censorship” is heard as it cuts to James’ team rushing to James’ office.)
Paulo Fonseca:
WHAT’S GOING ON?! (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
IT’S THE SCHLOCK ALARM! I REALLY SET IT OFF THIS TIME! (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller)
Julia Alexa Miller:
ORAC! SHUT THE SCHLOCK ALARM OFF RIGHT NOW! (The building shakes as the alarm shut off and everyone jumps and moves a bit) Now, what are you reviewing? (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Superman IV: The Quest For Peace! (Cut to Olivia Horvath)
Olivia Horvath:
The one where Superman tried Nuclear Disarmament for altruistic reasons? (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Yep! (Cut to the team as they shudder in fear and begin praying as Chad comes rushing in screaming “Everything is fine! Just called 911, Everybody except James evacuate the…”)
Chad Narducci:
What? Didn’t you guys hear the fire alarm?
John Ross Santos:
It wasn’t a fire alarm! It was… (Cut to James as he struggles with the headache outside the studio building and is talking to the chief of the fire department played by Corby Coney)
TLOTA:
An alarm meant to go off when I reach a level of film known as Schlock!
Chief Of The Fire Department:
Do you realize the severity of this type of prank?
TLOTA:
It’s not a prank! My associate Chad Narducci heard the Schlock Alarm go off as I began to review Superman IV: The Quest For Peace! He mistook it for a fire alarm and then called you guys! I did not mean for this to happen. I know a false alarm prevents you from doing your job correctly and I wish to apologize by helping out at your next fundraising event to pay penance for my associate’s mistake!
Chief Of The Fire Department:
Well, I am glad you understand the ramifications of what has happened and I accept your volunteering request. (Cut to James in his office as he sits and sighs.)
TLOTA:
Okay, with that misadventure out of the way, I know why the Alarm went off! It was because of the people who did produce this movie Golan-Globus’ Cannon Films! (Cut to stills of mom & pop video rental stores of the 1990s as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
In the 1980s and 1990s, video rental stores were booming! Most of the mom-and-pop video rental stores had their fare like Family Films, Comedy, Drama, Etc. However, a lot of these rentals were expensive and there was a need to fill in when they couldn’t afford the bigger-name movies. So, they had to have their shelves filled with what they could get! And this is where Golan-Globus’ Cannon films became Cannon Fodder and filler in these stores and because they were made so cheap, they could and unfortunately put a lot of the Video Rental Store out of Business and of course, the advent and instant evolution of the Internet didn’t help Video Rentals. But still, I actually decided to look up Cannon Films on Amazon Prime and the movies are as cheap as they were when they were Physically rentable! So even now they curse film fanatics! (Cut to James Physically)
TLOTA:
Hence the Schlock Alarm! Perfect reminder if you find yourself watching movies so horrible that you’d rather be outside! Now onto business. (Cut to Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
We start off in the depths of space as Cosmonauts are working on a Satellite when Space Debris sets off a whole lot of problems when Superman, once again played by Christopher Reeve, flies in to rescue one of the Cosmonauts. Oh and get used to the shot of Superman zooming to the camera. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And guess what, during the time me and my team were watching this movie, we had a drinking game! The results… (Cut to James and everyone on Team TLOTA feeling like they went fifteen rounds with the Heavyweight Champion Boxing Champion and they lost. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Superman does his bit as his cape flaps in the vacuum of space and speaks in Russian space! This is going to be the longest hour and a half I’m going to be going through, even longer than Science Boy’s High School Reunion! We soon find Clark in Smallville getting the farm ready to be put on the market because, for those who remember, Ma…Kent bit the dust in III. While going through the barn, he comes upon the ship that brought him here to Earth, where he finds a green power crystal to be used as a McGuffin later on. The Real Estate agent tells Clark that there is a deal to buy the land sight unseen. However, Clark stands firm and tells the guy, Unless the person buying the land is a farmer, it’s not for sale. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Well What a Coinkidink, there is an offer by A Family who wants to use the land for farming. The husband’s name is Clark, the Wife’s Name is Lois, and there are twin boys named Jonathan and Jordan and their last names are Kent. How about that? (Cut to Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
While that happens Lex Luthor, once again performed by Gene Hackman, is still imprisoned when we come upon Lenny Luthor, played by Jon Cryer. Lenny soon distracts the guards to help his Uncle Lex break out. And because he’s got a one-track mind, guess what his plan is… (Show clip of Lex and Lenny saying “Destroy Superman” Show clip of Mind Of Mencia as Punji says "Oh, Of Course!" & Robert Wagner in Goldmember as he says “Oy Gevalt!” before cutting back to the movie as James continues his voiceover) We soon find ourselves in Metropolis as Clark misses the train as Lois is practicing her French when the Subway driver has a coronary! Superman thankfully stops the train. (Show clip of Superman as he tells the crowd that the rail system is the safest way to travel. Cut to the two clips of Superman as portrayed by both Christopher Reeve and Brandon Routh as they say that Flying is still the safest way to travel. Cut to James as he nurses a headache.)
TLOTA:
This movie is giving me flashbacks to movies I have reviewed already, not a good sign for me! (Cut to Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Clark makes it to the Daily Planet just in time to meet the new owners of the venerated newspaper. David Warfield played by Sam Wanamaker and his daughter Lacy played by Mariel Hemmingway. Perry White played by the late Jackie Cooper tells the new owners that they’re nuts if they’re going to turn the Daily Planet into a toilet paper tabloid! And immediately Lacy is smitten with Clark as he tells her truth about journalism 101. (Show clip of Clark telling Lacy about Journalism, and Lois and Lacy talking about Clark and Lacy saying “I’m very, very rich!”. Cut to the Justice League movie clip of Barry Allen as he asks Bruce Wayne what his superpower is and Bruce responds with “I’m Rich”. Cut to James as he pulls out a bottle of Martinelli’s then tosses it for a bottle of Ginger Beer! Cut to Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Meanwhile, we soon hear about a peace summit failing and the United States must be second to none in the Nuclear Arms race. It’s here we meet Jeremy in his class as his teacher tries to console the class and Jeremy says there’s only one person who he thinks everyone should write to in order to end the Nuclear Arms Race. (Cut to Jeremy as he says “Superman” then the transition to the Superman exhibit at a museum as James continues his voiceover.) So, after that surprisingly good transition to this moment. Lex and Lenny grab a hair follicle that Superman had donated to the exhibit that can lift a half a ton to make some genetic silly putty. Even though the plan makes no sense on any level because the genetic material for DNA is in the root of the Follicle and it doesn’t hold water to make genetic material out of a hair. And even though it is capable to hold a thousand pounds, it’s not impervious to bolt cutters! The next day Lacy continues to seduce Clark with a new series of articles called “Metropolis After Dark” and as that goes on Lois hands Clark the letter from Jeremy about how Superman is the only hope to stop us from winding up nuked! Feeling unsure what to do he consults the Elders of Krypton! (Show clip of the Elders of Krypton as they try to consult Superman even telling him to leave Earth because if they put their faith in him, he will be teaching them to be betrayed. Cut to James as he walks out of his office. Cut to the Fortress of Solitude just as The Elders of Krypton played by Eric Kurtzke and Ed Champion start to fade.)
TLOTA:
Excuse me, but you guys were supposedly the smartest people on Krypton. (Cut to the Elders)
Elder #1 (Played by Eric Kurtzke):
That is true. (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
If that was the case, why in the hell didn’t you numbskulls listen to Jor-El! (Cut to the Elders)
TLOTA (Audio Only):
He knew the planet didn’t have long to live! So why in the name of Rao didn’t you say to him “Okay, we’ll listen to your wild idea to protect us, go to the Phantom Zone, then once Kal-El or as he is known as Superman here on earth is old enough, he’ll release us, hopefully. (Cut to James as he continues on.)
TLOTA:
Sure, it would be a tough transition, but you know what your people would’ve survived much better than basically being destroyed! (Cut to The Elders as they try to speak to one another and try to come up with an answer.)
Elder #1 (Played by Eric Kurtzke):
You see what you have done Kal-El! This mere human has been taught to expect betrayal!
Elder #2 (Played by Ed Champion):
Betrayed! Betrayed! Betrayed! BEEEETRAAAYED! (Cut to James as the two fade away.)
TLOTA:
Play the clip! (Show clip of Robert Wagner in Goldmember as he says “Oy Gevalt!”. Cut to Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Clark then decides to ask Lois what he should do after ripping off the romantic flying scene the two had from the first two movies and after the advice gives her the memory-erasing kiss again. How long that will last? I don’t know if it will. But after all that, it’s here we talk about this moment! A moment every internet reviewer that has seen this movie and reviewed this movie in one way or another has ripped to shreds! (Cut to Superman telling the United Nations that the Earth is his home too and has made the decision that the Governments are unwilling to do and he volunteers to rid our planet of all nuclear weapons! Cut to James in his office as he contacts Linkara once again fully clothed and having an ice pack on his schnuts!)
Linkara:
What do you want?!
TLOTA:
To explain Superman’s motivations behind his decision to be proactive in Nuclear Disarmament! (Cut to the clips of Superman ridding our planet of nuclear weapons as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
You said in your comic book adaptation of this movie and in your crossover with Allison Pregler that he should’ve been under the influence of some sort of Kryptonite to be acting the way he is in this movie, to which I call Bullshit! Christopher Reeve, who helped write the script, had altruistic reasons to make this Superman movie by volunteering the character to become a diplomat and saying that he is Volunteering to remove the nuclear weapons only to those that are willing to disarmament. If say Israeli forces say to Superman “We need our weapons! We are surrounded everywhere.” Superman is NOT going to say “Well you’re boned, good luck without your nuclear weapons!”. He will leave them to their own devices. Besides if Superman is doing this, he’s willingly trying to help humanity! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And… (Cut to Team TLOTA as they say “To Be Fair” in the same way Letterkenny does it. Cut to James) I would rather have an altruistic Superman saying he is willing to help in the peace process than say this… (Cut to the Injustice clip in which Superman tells the U.N. that this planet will be at peace now or I will destroy those who stand in my way! Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Anything you want to say for rebuttal? (Cut to Linkara)
Linkara:
It’s worth getting my balls waxed not to be a part of this review! (Cut to Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Superman begins his altruistic and noble endeavor to get rid of the nuclear weapons and his plan is to collect them all and toss them into the sun! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
I await climate change proponents who say that is a smart idea! (Cut to Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
While that is happening, Lex Luthor brings in black market nuclear arms dealers to tell them his plan to stop Superman. He plans on using a box containing the protoplasm made from the cells and a few swatches of fabric and a built-in computer will make a suit for his creation. The missile is tossed into the sun and Nuclear Man played by Mark Pillow is born! Literally, he’s born and grows into an instant adult. One other thing, he’s voiced by Gene Hackman! And I also have to feel sorry for Pillow. The movie premiered in London and he was the only person dressed in his character as he had to come face to face with Princess Diana dressed as Nuclear Man! But enough drama and pathos, we have ourselves a comedy scenario with Lacy and Clark as they try to work out at a trendy gym! I should sue the producers of this movie for whiplash! Nuclear man makes his way to Lex’s penthouse as WAIT A SECOND! (Record scratches as the scene stops at Lenny as he is playing on the NES.) IS THAT A NINTENDO ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM? WITH A ROB THE ROBOT? (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
ORAC, get me someone who was in this movie and is still active in entertainment! (Static cuts to Jon Cryer as he grabs some Coffee.)
Jon Cryer:
Hi, who is this and how can I be of assistance! (Cut to a very surprised James)
TLOTA:
Ladies and gentlemen, the man himself, Jon Cryer! (Cut to Jon Cryer as he accepts applause from everyone. Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Glad you could be here, I am an internet reviewer, James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and I am reviewing a movie that features you and the first publicly known usage of a Nintendo Entertainment System on film. (Cut to Jon Cryer)
Jon Cryer:
I am in a movie that has the first known usage of a Nintendo on film! How about that? Which movie of mine was that? (Cut to a very nervous James)
TLOTA:
You know! That movie! (Cut to a slowly getting angry Jon Cryer.)
Jon Cryer:
Which movie, James? (Cut to the nervous James who is sweating Kryptonite Bullets)
TLOTA:
You remember (James blubs the title of the movie. Cut to a confused Jon Cryer.)
Jon Cryer:
What did you say the movie’s title was? (Cut to James as he prepares to crap Kryptonite Bricks and blubs the title.)
TLOTA:
You remember, the movie where (James blubs and speaks in tongues trying to avoid saying the movie’s plot and characters, and tosses in him doing the Bundy “Honk-Honk”, “Caa-Caa, Doo-Doo, Poo-Poo!” & “PEE-PEE!” and chuckling idiotically. Cut to a very confused Jon Cryer)
Jon Cryer:
Okay, I am according to the signal tracker app on my phone I am near where you are, I will be there momentarily and maybe you will be able to tell me what it is you're reviewing. (Jon Cryer walks away. Cut to a very relieved James)
TLOTA:
Phew! If he knew I was reviewing Superman IV: The Quest For Peace… (Cut to Jon Cryer who overheard James say the movie’s title.)
Jon Cryer (Angered):
HA! I knew you’d slip up! God FUCKING DAMN IT! Every single time I think it’s dead, Boom! Another one of you internet reviewers is harping on my performance as Lenny! Always making me the butt of the joke! ALWAYS MAKING ME SUFFER THE SLINGS AND ARROWS OF YOUR VENOM! I HAVE HAD MORE OF A CAREER THAN ANY OF YOU NUMBNUTS EVER HAD! I CARRIED CHARLIE SHEEN AND ASHTON FRICKING KUTCHER FOR A TOTAL OF TWELVE YEARS ON TWO AND A HALF MEN! I’VE BEEN IN SO MANY MOVIES AND TV SHOWS! I WAS LEX GOD DAMNED LUTHOR ON Melissa Benoist’s SUPERGIRL SERIES. BUT WHAT DOES EVERYONE GO BACK TO? EITHER DUCKIE FROM PRETTY IN PINK, which I don’t mind. OR THE ETERNALLY FLAMING TURD THAT CAN NEVER GO AWAY THAT YOU AND EVERYONE OF YOUR BRETHREN SEEM TO JUST NEVER WANT TO FORGET! And if that is the case, I am going to find you and as Lenny said best “YOU’RE GONNA GET IT!” (Jon Cryer walks away angrily! Cut to a very confused James)
TLOTA:
I just got threatened by Jon Cryer! I don’t know whether or not to accept it as a compliment or be scared that I may have made him crack and now he is going to kill people to get to me. I have a headache!
(James sits there nursing his headache as the scene fades to black it then cuts to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James entirely morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings "The Last Of The Americans." Cut to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme shows James entirely morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings "The Last Of The Americans." Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Nuclear Man makes it to Lex’s penthouse and as he threatens Lex and has the one thought of destroying Superman on his mind, we discover that without the Sun he’s about as useful as Gosei was in Power Rangers Megaforce/ Super Megaforce! And again, there are moments in which Nuclear Man is not in direct sunlight and he is still fine! However, we soon find more unbearable comedic moments as Lois tries to interview Superman while Lacy tries to continue her attempts to get into Clark’s pants. And while it started off kind of funny, it was forcing itself just by trying too hard to be classic slap shtick! What breaks it up, thankfully is Lex’s communique as Superman meets Lex and Lenny as the two introduce Superman to Nuclear Man. The two have a fight around the world and their first stop is the Great Wall Of China where Superman uses Wall Repair Vision to fix the mess they make, how and when Superman has this ability, I don’t know and I don’t want to know! Then they go to Italy as Nuclear Man sets off a Friggin’ Volcano! Someone save The Pope! And just to show how they’re taking science behind the woodshed and beating it to death with an Aluminum Baseball Bat, Superman chops off a mountain, plugs the Volcano THEN uses his Ice Breath to freeze the possibly still molten lava! Giorni come questo mi ricordano che la revisione de Internet `e pericolosa per la mia salute mentale! Their next stop is Metropolis as The Statue of Liberty is hoisted off its stand by Nuclear Man and used to attack Superman and it looks like it was done for about a couple of weeks' worth of Groceries by standards! Superman grabs the Statue and in his distracted state, Nuclear Man’s Wolverine-style nails scratch Superman and somehow that weakens him. Why you may ask? (Cut to the clip from Dinosaurs where the announcer says “Why ask why? Drink Alcohol! Nobody Likes A Thinker!” Cut to Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Tired of the Warfields’ chicanery and the headlines proclaiming Superman’s death, Lois in a fit of exhaustion acts the way the audience did when they saw this movie. (Show clip of Lacy trying to make nice with Lois as David Warfield tells Lacy to fire Lois and Clark and Lacy tells her dad to “STUFF IT!” and Lacy asks earnestly if Clark is okay and Lois walks away. Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
I forgot Lacy had some development from where she was in the beginning of this turkey!
(Cut to Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Still feeling the effects of the attack, Clark tries to recuperate as Lois gives Clark the Cape Nuclear Man knocked off Superman in their brawl, meanwhile, Lex begins to swim in the green and tells his Black-Market associates, he’s taking over and firing them! However, one McGuffin Crystal usage later, Superman is recovered and Nuclear Man has a crush on Lacy! If you’re asking “Why?” again, I refer you to the Drink Alcohol moment from Dinosaurs! One pointless moment later, Nuclear Man is stopped as Superman shoves Nuclear Man into an elevator and drops the dude on the moon! Where the doors open slightly then this happens! (Show battle between Superman & Nuclear Man on the moon, intercut with James hanging out with his niece Vivian as he tells her about how to do a movie on the cheap like Superman IV: The Quest For Peace, and the scene ending with Nuclear Man proclaiming a Victorious roar on the moon! Cut to the movie as James does his voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Nuclear Man arrives in The Daily Planet as Lacy tries to make her dad listen to reason about Journalism and takes her into space where she can comfortably breathe and exist!
Vivian Lee Faraci (V.O.):
WHAT?!? (Cut to James and Vivian Lee Faraci)
Vivian Lee Faraci:
UNCLE JIMMY TELL ME THIS MOVIE IS TRYING TO BE FUNNY! I KNEW THAT A PERSON CAN SURVIVE IN SPACE WITHOUT A SPACESUIT WHEN I WAS THREE AND THAT WAS SIX YEARS AGO! IF A NINE-YEAR-OLD LIKE ME CAN FIGURE THIS OUT THEN WHY CAN’T WRITERS IN HOLLYWOOD FIGURE IT OUT!
TLOTA:
Okay, you clearly have been hanging out with me too much, not that I don’t mind but, I think your mom would hang me by my tootsies if you started to act and sound like me! Let me finish this and we’ll go swimming, okay kiddo!
Vivian Lee Faraci:
Okay, Uncle Jimmy! (The two hug and kiss and Vivian walk away. Cut to Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
However, Superman has had enough and decides to MOVE THE FRIGGIN’ MOON OUT OF ORBIT TO BLOCK THE SUN! AT THIS POINT SCIENCE IS GETTING ITS LAST RITES! Superman then quickly gets Lacy out of space and drops Nuclear Man into a Nuclear Reactor finishing him off, Perry buys the outstanding shares that Warfield didn’t buy making him a minority shareholder and saving the Daily Planet. Then we get the other big speech from Superman about Peace. (Cut to the infamous clip of Superman as he says “And there will be peace. But there will be peace when the people of the world want it so badly that their governments will have no choice but to give it to them!” Static cuts to Linkara.)
Linkara:
OKAY ASSHOLE! DEFEND THAT MOMENT! (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
But I am literally moments away from being done! (Cut to Linkara)
Linkara:
You told me why Christopher Reeve turned Superman into a diplomat for trying to peacefully disarm the planet of nuclear weapons, then defend that moment, James Faraci The Last Of The Americans! (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Okay, You want me to defend that moment? Fine! (James inhales and exhales deeply before it cuts to a disclaimer which says “Due to Political Climates being red hot, James has decided to not to include the speech! Simply putting the blame on Governments as to why we are never going to get world peace in our lifetimes as they’re being controlled by special interest groups and their own ego as to find out who is Number one and who can rule us all!” Cut to a very shocked and catatonic Linkara. Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Had enough logic overtaking you! (Cut to a very shocked and catatonic Linkara. Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Thought so! (Cut to Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
And with that Lex and Lenny are dealt with as Superman tells Lex he’ll see him in 20 years! (Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
And when did Superman Returns come out? (James turns to his right as the Poster for Superman Returns pops up and the year 2006 appears on it!) Buddy, you must have been psychic! (Cut to clips of Superman IV: The Quest For Peace as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
And that was Superman IV: The Quest For Peace! And to be honest, it was bad! Was it the worst Superman movie ever made? That is still up for debate between this and if given a choice between Man Of Steel & the rest of the current DC Movie Crap and this movie, I’d take Quest For Peace over the next DC movie coming out! It is the cheapest and the shortest out of all of them, so in that regard, it is not the best movie DC has ever made. Does the science hold up? No! Does the moral of nuclear disarmament sound rational? Maybe to those who believe that nuclear weapons have made them feel uneasy. But when it’s not recycling itself, there is a decent movie about one man trying to help us make sure The Day After remains a TV Movie and not reality. But in good conscience, I cannot recommend this unless you want something on in the background while watching paint dry! (Cut to James physically as there is a knock at the door!)
TLOTA:
Now if you’ll excuse me, I am probably going to deal with one very pissed-off Jon Cryer! I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that’s my opinion! (James walks to the front door as he stares down the barrel of a weapon from Melissa Benoist’s Supergirl series!)
Jon Cryer:
HELLO WABBIT! (Does an Elmer Fudd laugh! Cut to a very shit scared James.)
TLOTA:
Uh would it be possible to get a head start? I tried to avoid this situation at all costs! (Cut to Jon Cryer)
Jon Cryer:
Did you think of not reviewing the movie? (Cut to a very shit scared James.)
TLOTA:
No, I kind of have to, it’s a thing, eventually, I have to review a movie that everyone else has! (Cut to Jon Cryer)
Jon Cryer:
Well then, it sucks to be you! (A voice in the background calls out “Uncle Jimmy!” Cut to Vivian Lee Faraci in a bathing suit)
Vivian Lee Faraci:
You said once you were done working, we would go swimming! (Cut to James as he has turned to talk to his niece.)
TLOTA:
And we will, after I take care of this problem, Okay Lovebug! (Cut to Vivian Lee as Julia Alexa Miller is in a Bathing Suit and walks Vivian Lee to the pool. Cut to James as Jon Cryer pulls his weapon back.)
Jon Cryer:
And she is…
TLOTA:
My youngest niece, her father, God bless his soul, was my brother, passed away in 2019 and now I have been doing my best to be there like her father and take an interest and help keep her head on her shoulders though admittedly I am afraid that she might be picking up some of my bad habits!
Jon Cryer:
I WHOLLY Understand you see I am trying my best to be there for my kids and… WAIT A SECOND! I’VE GOT YOUR ASS TO KICK! SAY GOODBYE JAMES FARACI THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS! (James does a Moe Howard Eye poke and starts to run as James can barely outrun Jon Cryer as he initiates an Escape Route that eventually sends James to the SUNY Sullivan County Community College as he heads to the science lab and comes up with an environmentally friendly adhesive which is strong as Super Glue!) Wait until I get out of this! I’m going to make you sorry!
TLOTA:
SHUT UP! Do you know I have been regretting doing this! I have avoided it for years! I’ve had requests like nobody’s business! My business partner Chad said I had to do this movie otherwise he’d have cancelled me for lack of production on my end! You know what its like to be in between jobs for long stretches.
Jon Cryer:
I also know how to make the most out of my royalties!
TLOTA:
Well, I don’t have that luxury! It’s either work or die!
Jon Cryer:
Didn’t think about it that way!
TLOTA:
And from what I’ve gathered, Sales of Superman IV The Quest For Peace and Melissa Benoist’s Supergirl go up every time one of us Internet Reviewers checks that movie out!
Jon Cryer:
Again, did not know that! So, what you’re saying is that without you riffing my bad works apart, then I would have less to have in royalties? And you get squat! Sucks to be you but I get where you come from! Okay, I will let you slide, this time! But the next time we meet, you better do a positive review of one of my movies!
TLOTA:
You got it! Now if you don’t mind, I have one lovely lady and a very awesome niece waiting for me in a pool at my studio. Care to join me, Alex and my niece? (Cut to Jon Cryer as he tries the surf pool as James, Alex and his niece swim around in the pool. Fade to black)
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