(The scene begins with a laser beam in the sky as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as four shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be James Faraci in the center, Kent Lilly and Paulo Fonseca on the right and Rebecca Yaun on the left as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving towards the camera, four more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear, and the shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on the right, Nick Yaun on the left, and John and Mike Santos and their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving forward moving towards the camera, five more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as they reveal themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on the right, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion on the left, and Olivia Horvath appears in the center as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame credits of “Written by James Faraci with assistance from Steve Kidd, Edited by Eric Kurtzke, Makeup by Olivia Horvath Produced by First Choice Productions, Directed by James Faraci” as it ends the Laser beam disappears and at the 0:28 mark of the theme song the laser beam cut out the words “The” “Last” “Of” “The” appear. At the 0:32-0:36 mark, the term “Americans” start to come forward as it pulls down, and James’ Morpher and Sonic Screwdriver is flung into the frame as James grabs both and morphs into The Last Of The Americans with James and half of team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans.” Cut to Steve Kidd as he hums “Yum-Dee-Dee-Dee-Dee-Dee-Hua-Hua!” as he prepares to check in on James as there is audio coming from Studio’s break room with James’s shouting of “EENIE, MEENIE, MINEY DIE!” and the break room breaking out into angry cross-talking. Steve walks in to see James, Julia Alexa Miller with Team TLOTA dressed in Neo-Classical/Napoleonic era high society wear except for Chad Narducci as the others try to shove Chad towards James and Alex trying to keep the two away. Cut to Steve as he looks very confused and he knocks on the door as it cuts to James turning and putting down the Bowie Knife.)
TLOTA:
Steve? Hey, what’s up with you dude? (Cut to Steve Kidd)
Steve Kidd:
I was about to ask you the same thing! (Cut to everyone else)
Julia Alexa Miller:
Well, Steve, it’s a bit complicated and crazy! (Cut to Steve Kidd)
Steve Kidd:
I’m all ears. (Cut to Team TLOTA)
Paulo Fonseca:
Well Firstly, James thought he wanted to do something a little classier than the usual fare around here.
Brenda Fonseca:
So he figured on reviewing a movie on the works and life of one Ludwig Von Beethoven
John Santos:
And for research’s sake unlike JFK or Amadeus, James decided that we were to go to the time of Ludwig Von Beethoven and listen to his work and story in case the movie decided to skip over crucial details.
Mike Santos:
So we find ourselves heading to the Neo-Classical/Napoleonic Era of music, the 1810’s when from out of nowhere, boom, creatures from God only knows wherever they came from find themselves trying to kill Beethoven!
Andrew Beach:
James hits the notes for Beethoven’s Fifth thus inspiring the Maestro to compose the piece.
Ed Champion:
We’re soon run out of there with our asses nearly getting slaughtered because Eric called Napoleon’s plans crazy.
Eric Kurtzke:
And Renee may have made a reference to Napoleon’s height which really set the dude off. (Cut to James and Julia Alexa Miller)
TLOTA:
And just when I think the worst is behind us, Chad didn’t even get us the right movie! (Cut to Steve Kidd)
Steve Kidd:
Well to my knowledge, there was never a movie about the classic composer. (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
EXACTLY! HE HAD TO GET ME THE ONE WITH THE OBNOXIOUS CREATURE and A Saint Bernard! (Cut to the title card of Beethoven from the trailer and clips from the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Released in 1992, Beethoven was a surprise hit at the time but quickly fell into obscurity as the decade went on, and not helping is the less than spectacular sequels with the first sequel being the exception! But after falling into obscurity does the first movie still have some relevance? (Cut to James’s office as clothes are flying off and James comes into the frame in a Button-up American Flag Shirt and Carpenter Jeans.)
TLOTA:
The rest of the team didn’t like that Black with the Stars and Stripes shirt so, yeah, another shirt but this one looks like my classic shirt. Let’s just get into the doghouse with Beethoven! (Cut to Beethoven as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens up rather dark as we see a run-down warehouse filled with dogs that are being used for illegal experimentation! Pretty dark way to open a family-friendly film! We then meet the henchmen for the villain played by of all people Stanley Tucci and Oliver Platt! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
This movie is starting off with a very dark motif! (Cut to Beethoven as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
And if you think I’m kidding, we’re soon introduced to the villainous Dr. Varnick played by of all people DEAN JONES! And GOOD FRICKING LORD Those eyeglasses add a level of extra creepy! Even creepier? Dean Jones actually stayed in that creepy character in-between takes! (Shudders) We then cut to a pet shop where we meet our eventual hero as a little puppy as people reject the poor pooch for either different dogs or for financial reasons or even one who the pup rejects because being stuck with a punk motorcyclists who has a junkyard to run. That night our knuckleheads enter the pet shop avoiding the security alarm and grab as many pups in sight, even our St. Bernard pup is taken when…(The Oliver Platt thug accidentally steps in the beam setting off the alarm and him saying “I Stepped In The Beam!” Cut to the “Naked Gun 33 & 1/3” Head slapping clip. Cut to Beethoven as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Running like the knuckleheads they are, the two get away scot-free. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And you know what even today they’d get away with it, legally too! Thanks, Mr. President! (Cut to Beethoven as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
However, one little bump in the road later a Jack Russell Terrier frees our soon to be hero as the two escape as the Jack Russell Terrier goes one way the St. Bernard puppy makes his way to the home of the Newtons played by Charles Grodin, Bonnie Hunt, Nicholle Tom, Christopher Castile, and Sarah Rose Karr. And immediately the puppy causes two things dread for George Newton played by Grodin, and something for the rest of the family to bond over. George reluctantly decides to let the family keep the pup and When Emily plays the obvious piece from the Maestro himself everyone now knows him as…(Cut to the musical notes and then a picture of Ludwig Von Beethoven. Cut to George as he says “Beethoven”) Cue the montage! (Show the montage of Beethoven growing up. Cut to James as he ducks the slime only for Chad to walk in and get encased in the slime! James gets up and sees the mess)
TLOTA:
Okay, we’re going to clean up the place and Chad as well! We’ll be back! (James carries Chad as the scene fades to black it then cuts to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James entirely morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings "The Last Of The Americans." Cut to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme shows James entirely morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings "The Last Of The Americans." Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
As Beethoven and the Newtons settle into normalcy, we soon discover Beethoven’s Veterinarian is the same sadistic doctor we saw at the beginning of this movie and plants seeds that if something ain’t kosher George better handle it quickly. We also discover that George owns a struggling Car Air Freshener company and is looking to woo new investors and he soon finds them in Yuppie Couple Brad and Brie played by shockingly enough David Duchovny and Patricia Heaton! YES! AGENT FOX MULDER AND DEBRA BARONE are in the same movie with a demented Dean Jones, a put-upon Charles Grodin, two classically trained actors playing stooges to the demented Dean Jones, A Pre-Cheaper By The Dozen Bonnie Hunt, The oldest of The Sheffield’s Children from The Nanny, one of the kids from Step By Step and the little girl who tried to stand up to Arnold by saying “I’m not a policeman, I’m a Princess” in Kindergarten Cop! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
I don’t know how much more 1990s I can take in this movie! (Cut to Beethoven as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
However George isn’t the only one who has problems, His son Ted played by Castile is getting bullied, His oldest daughter Ryce(That’s a weird thing to name your kid by the way) played by Tom is ignored by a guy she wants to talk to and Emily is just herself and just in case I forgot Alice played by Hunt; She’s being railroaded into returning to working at George’s Car Air Freshener factory! Meanwhile Beethoven becomes well known in the neighborhood. As we find him reconnecting momentarily with the Jack Russell Terrier that rescued him and then Beethoven decides to help introduce Ryce to the man she has a crush on, secretly helps Ted deal with the Bullies and as for Alice after being talked down to by Duchovny and Heaton and forced to leave her kids at a neglectful babysitter RESCUES EMILY FROM NEARLY DROWNING! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And you wonder why the dog is the hero of the movie and not Charles Grodin! (Cut to Beethoven as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
As Alice says “No more neglectful babysitting”, she decides to park it back home to be with the kids. Which is her choice and to be fair…(Cut to the team as they say “To Be Fair” in the same way as Letterkenny . Cut to James in his office.)
TLOTA:
I applaud her for putting her family ahead of her jackass husband and his dumbass ambitions! (Cut to Beethoven as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Though admittedly there are moments when George does have moments of development where he is concerned for his family and his business, he also seems to soften when it come to his kids and their relationship with Beethoven and a lot of it comes out of the late Charles Grodin’s performance, he was known for a deadpan approach to comedy and in something like the character of George Newton he was able to be more than just deadpan, he was able to show that he does love his kids and wants to do right by them. But a lot of the time, George is blaming the dog for his own problems, personally and professionally! And if you think I’m being facetious, Brad and Brie basically insult the kids and his wife in a snark and snide filled avalanche of comments at a Barbeque when Beethoven overhears the two and their desire to take over the company, sell it to China and make enough money to swim in it! So, guess who comes out like a winner in this moment and it ain’t George! (Show clip of Beethoven giving those yuppies the ride of their lives and getting them out of George’s life. Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Good and smart doggie! (Cut to Beethoven as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
George having enough of Beethoven has made it clear that he blames the dog for his professional and personal downfall when Alice tells him that Beethoven did the right thing by giving those meshugas the ride they deserved! However, the kids realize how hard it has been for their dad and decide to take over the responsibilities of caring for Beethoven. While that goes on Varnick’s goons recapture the Jack Russell Terrier and Varnick under the guise of going for a home visit and check up on Beethoven engages his plan to get his hands on Beethoven. (Show clip of Varnick planting blood on his arm and on Beethoven and proceeds to punch and attack Beethoven and the chaos that ensues as Emily tells her dad the truth as Varnick lies through his teeth and threatens to press charges if Beethoven is not in his office to be destroyed. Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
Gee who to side with? Your family who has been loyal to every single movement you have done or a guy who you’ve only known because all he’s done is made you paranoid about something that hasn’t harmed you or your family! (Show clip of George taking Beethoven to the Veterinarian’s office. Cut to James physically as he takes his glasses off, moves his chair out of the way, and proceeds to bang his head on the wall behind him. Show clip of George’s lamentation. Cut to James again.) NO! NO! NO! George! You’re the wrong one here, your wife will file for divorce, your children will petition to have their names changed and consider that Newton Air Freshener business you want to succeed, SUNK! (Cut to Beethoven as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Okay, I exaggerated a bit. While George does have second thoughts, he goes through with it and his family is still disappointed in his actions. (Show clip of George Newton sitting and regretting his decisions and asking Alice “Did I do the wrong thing?” Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
To quote the late great Tony Stark: “Let’s do a headcount here!”. Complete and total douches insulted your family, You cared more about your Air Freshener business than your family most of the time, You blamed your downfall on a dog that united your family, You got suckered into a plan of Dr. Varnick’s to use Beethoven and god knows how many dogs he has experimented on and definitely killed because he threatened legal action and AGAIN you went against your family when it came to what the truth was about the event and now you’re wondering if you did the wrong thing, Would everyone come in here and join me in answering this jackass’s question? (Everyone goes into the office ready to answer.)
Steve Kidd:
Quick question who’s the jackass? Chad, whom I am starting to hate for what he’s doing to you and everyone else, or George Newton for his actions.
TLOTA:
George Newton for sacrificing the family’s dog because he was pressured into it by a corrupt Veterinarian and George asked if he did the wrong thing by folding like a piece of paper.
Renee Miller:
Well, the obvious answer is…
Everyone (In Unison!):
YES!
TLOTA:
CONGRATS GEORGE NEWTON, I OFFICIALLY DECLARE YOU THE BIGGEST AND DUMBEST DUMBASS DAD IN ALL OF FAMILY-FRIENDLY CINEMA! Give this jackass what he rightfully deserves! (Show everyone flipping George the bird! Cut to Beethoven as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Okay, I am being harsh, Alice does tell George that this doesn’t add up so literally that night, everyone and I MEAN every single family member that George has alienated decides to confront Varnick. Oh, and that shot inside the safe? The same director who directed this movie directed not only the first live-action Flintstones movie but its prequel as well. (Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
As a matter of fact, I want to see what else he did! (James scrolls to discover the same director who directed this movie also directed Problem Child 2, Jingle All The Way, both Live-Action Cartoon Network Scooby-Doo movies, among other kid movies.) Holy smokes that’s a lot of kid films! (Cut to Beethoven as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
George and his family demand Beethoven back however Varnick’s paper-thin ruse starts to fall apart to George’s surprise: NO BITE MARKS and No Beethoven! Varnick threatens legal charges against George but George finally grows the pair that he should have had all this time and drops Varnick like a bad habit! Of course, George tries to inform the police however they prove their value again by doing nothing as George and the family decide to take action in their own hands and follow Varnick to his hideout as he plans on using Beethoven for a Bullet test and the Jack Russell Terrier for an extensive sedative test! Also, he has Tweedle Dee-Dee-Dee and Tweedle Doi get rid of the evidence which probably includes deceased dogs! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Yeah, again this movie is DARK! (Cut to Beethoven as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Beethoven breaks out just as the numbskulls grab his Jack Russell Terrier friend, however, Varnick comes in ready to put that test bullet through Beethoven until George does his best Batman drop which sets the gun off and while Alice tries to call the cops, Ted decides to go full FAST & FURIOUS ramming the car into the hideout. Wait, What? Shouldn’t Ryce have done that? She is the oldest! Oh well, it works as Varnick is pumped with all the sedatives. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Well, I’m sure he was able to defend himself and his actions when it went to trial. (Cut to a courtroom as a Judge played by Paulo Fonseca sits.)
The Judge:
How does the defendant plea? (Cut to a very unintelligible Dr. Varnick as he gargles, drools, and sits in a chair and his attorney Rafael Barba played by Andrew Beach.)
Rafael Barba:
Due to circumstances beyond his control, I am entering a Not Guilty plea on behalf of my client. (Cut to ADA Dominic Carisi played by James Faraci.)
ADA Dominic Carisi:
Your honor, this anti-cop scumbag’s client has been charged with… (Cut to Rafael Barba)
Rafael Barba:
Hey, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa! Anti-Cop?! Carisi, I was the ADA for SVU while you were getting kicked around all the boroughs in New York before Benson took pity on you. (Cut to ADA Dominic Carisi)
ADA Dominic Carisi:
And you let the murderer of Kathy Stabler get off scot-free… (Cut to Rafael Barba)
Rafael Barba:
Oh, Jesus Christ! This again!... (Cut to ADA Dominic Carisi)
ADA Dominic Carisi:
Yeah, AGAIN! I used to respect you and then you do this sh…(Cut to the Judge as he shouts for “Order In The Court” as the two continue to Argue. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
George is glad to know his children are safe and Beethoven is safe as well as a brief argument as to what happened that led to what happened literally a few minutes ago! The Newtons release the captive dogs to go after Varnick’s goons and just when the two think they got away and gloat! A pack of Dobermans, Well… (Cut to the POV of the Dobermans before cutting to a black screen filled with blood. Cut back to the movie as James continues his voiceover.) I AM KIDDING! Varnick and his associates are arrested and sentenced to life for Animal Abuse, George learns to better balance himself between his family and the life he wants and the movie ends with Beethoven and all his doggie friends sleeping in the same room as George and Alice and enough sequels to choke a franchise to death! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
So that was Beethoven, it was every early 1990’s family film trope and it worked and I loved it! (Cut to clips of Beethoven as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
On paper, this would’ve been another boring family movie with a disruptive force that makes the family come together but what makes this one different is how the writing was strong, the cast worked well off each other, the pacing is amazing and I really think it doesn’t deserve to be set aside as yet another 1990’s fossil. If you have seen it, then I strongly suggest you check out this movie. It is worth being dug up and shown to everyone once again. It’s a good dog! (Cut to James physically and Steve walks in looking for something)
Steve Kidd:
Excuse me James, I’m going to put Chad out of our misery!
TLOTA:
What did he do now?
Steve Kidd:
He said he got lazy and found a copy of that movie you wanted to do but didn’t want to go to New Jersey, insulted New Jersey and Now I’m going to make him suffer.
TLOTA:
Steve, I will handle this! I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that’s my opinion!
No comments:
Post a Comment