A "Possible" Crossover Co-Written by Charles "DukeCT" Thomas

(Scene begins at the outside of James’ Studio and a sign saying, “Beware Internet Reviewer facing a feared situation inside with an associate”. Cut to James as he has DukeCT going into a corner as he tries to protect him from Christy Romano and Brendan Rooney) 

DukeCT: 
James, you’re acting nuts, I told you they asked me to do it. I asked if I could do it as a crossover. 

Christy Romano: 
And I immediately thought of you! 

TLOTA: 
And let me guess the second the review was over; you send your attack dog AKA your husband to come in for the kill! 

Brendan Rooney: 
Okay, one bad incident and I’m an attack dog for my wife? 

Christy Romano:
 James, listen DukeCT knows about the Truce, he came to me about this first about you and him doing this crossover. 

TLOTA:
 Well guess what, I’d rather play it safe and not review it! ORAC! Engage Escape route 428G! 

DukeCT:
 “428…G”? 

TLOTA:
 “G” as in… (James shouts “GERONIMO!” as he and DukeCT fall out of frame. Cut to the Monticello NY Wal-Mart as a guy enjoying cabbages played by Steve Kidd as James and DukeCT scream the two land behind the guy.) 

TLOTA:
 That was a little too close! 

DukeCT: 
Yeah but… (DukeCT looks behind to see The Cabbage Guy) James, that guy scares me! (James hears two people scream on the way down) 

TLOTA: 
Duke! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! (DukeCT and James run. Cut to James running throughout the Wal-Mart as James hides in the outdoor department disguised as a typical Wal-Mart Employee as Christy and Brendan walk up to the counter.) 

Christy Romano:
 Excuse me Manuel LaBore, have you seen a 6ft. 1 in., 300 lbs. dork and a black guy come through here? 

TLOTA (As Manuel LaBore):
 Sorry, I no see him. Do you wanna a crossbow? 

Brendan Rooney:
 No we want to speak to him, let him know that his crossover with DukeCT is Kosher within a truce I brokered back in the tail end of 2013 with James. There’s nothing wrong with James talking about the 2019 Disney Channel Original Movie “Kim Possible” with DukeCT if there’s a month’s notice which happened back in March. (Cut to James behind the counter) 

TLOTA (As Manuel LaBore): 
Camo suit? (Cut to Christy and Brendan as they look at each other.  Cut to James disguised as Wal-Mart Employee Manuel LaBore as Brendan takes off the wig and Christy ripped the goatee off of James face leading to the loudest scream in all of Sullivan County as it cuts to a snow covered hill and the snow comes rushing down, cut to James as he tries to recover from the loss of skin) 

TLOTA:
 That hurt! (Cut to Christy Romano and Brendan Rooney) 

Brendan Rooney:
 I’m sure not as much as hearing us say you can do your crossover of “Kim Possible” the 2019 DCOM with DukeCT. He gave us a month’s notice and we are alright with you being honest and funny with the movie.  

Christy Romano: 
With one Provision, Christy’s Kitchen Throwback, you come on as a guest and you eat the Throwback Trivia Challenge fail food! (Cut to James) 

TLOTA: 
Make it a recipe that I know and can use in the upcoming Easter season and you got a deal! (Cut to Brendan and Christy as they look at each other for a second) 

Brendan and Christy (In Unison): 
Deal! (The three shake hands as James looks in wonder) 

Christy Romano:
 Something on your mind James? 

TLOTA: 
Just wondering where DukeCT is? (Cut to DukeCT as he tries to calm the Cabbage guy down) 

DukeCT:
 Okay, listen, I know some people, you can have an entire Cabbage Farm if you calm down! 

Cabbage Guy:
 NOOOOOOOOOO! I MUST MAKE THEM PAY FOR THE CABBAGES! 

DukeCT:
 START THE INTRO!  

(Scene cuts to a similar intro to the Kim Possible Animated Series with James in his suit and James doing/attempting to do the moves Kim Possible did in the intro as Brenda Fonseca sings similar lyrics to the actual shows theme song lyrics.) 

Brenda Fonseca (Singing):
 Ooh Yeah, Yeah, Yeah! He’s your average chill dude! In a butt kicking mood! You can’t stop him ‘cuz he The Last Of The Americans! And there’s nothing he won’t do and when stupid comes just know there will be hell to pay! (Know There Will Be Hell To Pay!) It doesn’t matter when or who can harm smart, yeah you just shout for him “The Last Of The Americans” Call him, E-Mail him, If you really need him watch your way, Whenever you need a good man, Call him, E-Mail him if you really need him! (Call Him! E-Mail him, if you ever need him!) Doesn’t matter when, doesn’t matter what (Doesn’t matter what!) He’ll be there kicking butt! If there’s hurting or suffering, he’ll make sure it’s nothing, you know you can count on The Last Of The Americans! 

(Show James on his cell phone) 

TLOTA: 
So What’s The Deal? 

Brenda Fonseca (Singing): 
Call him, E-Mail him if you really need him! (Intro ends. Cut to the outside of James’ studio as the Sign says “James and DukeCT crossover happening UH-OH!”. Cut to James and DukeCT on the Horseshoe Couch) 

DukeCT: 
So yeah, we all good to do this? 

TLOTA: 
Depends if Christy and her husband would mind working out of my Kitchen (Camera cuts back further out to see Christy and Brendan on the Horseshoe couch) 

Christy Romano: 
Why not work from your office? 

TLOTA: 
I’d like for my guests to be comfortable while working. 

Brendan Rooney: 
How about me and Christy work out of the office while you two work out here. 

TLOTA: 
Sounds fair, Christy? 

Christy Romano: 
Yeah (Christy and Brendan head on out) 

TLOTA: 
Now I feel more comfortable doing this! (Cut to the Title card of the 2019 Kim Possible DCOM as James and DukeCT does a voiceover) 

TLOTA (Voiceover): 
Based on the cartoon solely in name only “Kim Possible” has gotten the reputation of being the worst Animated to Live Action Disney adaptations of all time.  (Show Posters of Every Animated to Live Action Disney Adaptation on the 2019 Kim Possible DCOM footage as James does a voiceover) And given the recent history of how bad their adaptations have become that’s a statement I don’t make lightly! (Cut back to the 2019 Kim Possible DCOM footage as DukeCT does a voiceover) 

DukeCT:
 Okay, there are some points that you make James but, is this truly as bad as say “The Even Stevens Movie” or the Descendants movies or any of the others? How much longer do I have to wait to get through this movie? (Cut to James and DukeCT Physically) 

TLOTA: 
Well I’ve stalled long enough, here we go, The 2019 DCOM known as “Kim Possible”. (Cut to the movie as James and DukeCT do voiceovers) 

DukeCT (Voiceover): 
The movie opens as we get an exposition dump that worked better in sixty minutes in an animated story than the thirty SECONDS it took to give it here. We’re soon introduced to the live action actors of Kim Possible and Ron Stoppable, Sadie Stanley and Sean Giambrone AKA Adam Goldberg in The Goldbergs on a mission to stop the evil Professor Dementor played by Patton Oswald aka the voice actor of the character in the cartoon and TV’s Max from the short lived MST3K restart. 

TLOTA (Voiceover): 
And here we start noticing the problems of this movie bad Green Screen effects and the fact Kim Possible overuses her Grappling hook and does not use her incredible combat skills to take down the goons of Professor Dementor and Ron clumsily helps save Kim. Ron screwing up the rescue allowing Dementor’s escape and engaging the self-destruct at the Dam. We’re only eight minutes in and this movie is hurting. Not a good sign for the mental health of Me or DukeCT (Cut to James and DukeCT Physically) 

DukeCT:
 Which is why I came up with... (DukeCT walks away for a second and comes back with a bottle of liquid and shot glasses) The DukeCT “Kim Possible Drinking game”. Yes, you can get through this horrendous movie with The DukeCT “Kim Possible Drinking Game”. Let’s play it right now! (Cut to every clip of Kim using Parkour. Cut to James and DukeCT as they take a shot. Cut to every clip of Kim using her grappling hook. Cut to James and DukeCT as they take a shot. Cut to every shot of something not being like the series. Cut to James and DukeCT as they take two shots. Cut to every DAMNED clip of Kim Possible crying. Cut to James and DukeCT as they take three shots. Cut to every plot twist in the movie. Cut to James and DukeCT taking four shots. Cut to the ending of the movie. Cut to James and DukeCT as they finish the bottles and DukeCT collapses. Julia Alexa Miller walks in behind James) 

Julia Alexa Miller: 
I heard a thud that registered on the Richter scale and I thought I saw… (Julia Alexa Miller sees a unconscious DukeCT.) WHAT IS DUKECT DOING ON THE FLOOR UNCONSCIOUS?! 

TLOTA: 
We’re watching the 2019 Kim Possible DCOM, He made a drinking game mine was water and him I don’t know what was in it,  I’ll pump him up with Liquid IQ while I do my voiceover and before you ask who’s in my office, it’s Christy Romano and her husband Brendan Rooney. 

Julia Alexa Miller: 
The same Brendan Rooney who two years ago clocked you in the head and kidnapped you with the express intent on ending your existence. 

TLOTA: 
Christy straightened him out. 

Julia Alexa Miller: 
Oh! Good Luck James. (The two kiss and Julia Alexa Miller walks away. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover) 

TLOTA (Voiceover): 
After a very lame attempt at a fan made intro done on YouTube we’re soon introduced to the rest of the Possible clan. The twins Jim and Tim played by Connor and Owen Fielding, The Rocket Scientist dad played by Matthew Clark and The Brain Surgeon mom Ann Possible played by NOOOOOOOOOO! NOT YOU FOR THE FOURTH CONSECUTIVE MONTH! WHY ALYSON HANNIGAN? WHY?! (Cut to a recently revived DukeCT and James physically) 

DukeCT: 
Uh why is it the fourth consecutive month with Alyson Hannigan? Sounds like a fun time for me! 

TLOTA:
 Four words Duke: American Pie Movie Franchise! 

DukeCT: 
Say no more! (Cut to the movie as James and DukeCT do voiceovers) 

DukeCT (Voiceover):
 We soon discover that it’s Kim’s first day in High School as we meet Kim’s schoolyard rival Bonnie played by Erika Tham who does NOT look like Bonnie from the show. Apparently instead of Bonnie and Kim being Cheerleaders, there’s a soccer team that Bonnie excels at while Kim becomes the Equipment Manager. However, we must deal with the one and only Drakken! (Cut to Shattered Grid video with Lord Drakkon played by Jason David Frank and DukeCT saying “No!” Cut to the infamous Rocky IV clip of Ivan Drago saying, “I Must Break You!” and DukeCT saying “NO!” Cut to clips of Dr. Drakken from the animated series as DukeCT does a voiceover) 

DukeCT (Voiceover):
 Dr. Drakken is the most reoccurring villain that comes in the series, he’s always constantly coming up with such convoluted and complicated ideas which while taking Kim a while to stop she does so and Drakken has a single mind set and that is to get rid of Kim Possible and the world will bow before him. I can think of a few COMPETENT World Leaders who’d have a few words with him. (Cut to the movie as James and DukeCT do voiceovers) 

TLOTA (Voiceover): 
We’re soon introduced to Shego and believe it or not whether it’s because Taylor Ortega was the only one who knew who her character was or not, I liked her. Meanwhile Kim’s first day in High School is going as well as a New York Jets Football season is going until she meets up with an outcast named Athena played by Ciara Riley Wilson and decide to be her friend, taking her to Bueno Nacho just to get her into the fray of things and Ron has this moment (Show moment in which Ron Stoppable says he wants to be a dog. Cut to James and DukeCT physically) 

TLOTA & DukeCT (In Unison):
 YOU ARE MADE OF STUPID, MOVIE! (Show clip of Ron Stoppable being the mascot of the Cheerleaders from the original series as DukeCT does a voiceover) 

DukeCT (Voiceover): 
For those who didn’t see the series Ron didn’t want to be a dog, he wanted to be the mascot for the team and the cheerleading squad which just so happened to be a dog! Never in the entire series did Ron ever want to be a dog! this is just a reference taken out of context and thrown so far out of left field that it travels around the world before it even makes it to the parking lot back to being put into reference!  

Dukect: 
 I’m confused by this movie's choice of depiction one of the most loveable and most well-known characters in the series outside of Kim. 

TLOTA: 
Same here Why don’t we take a break, calm down then with a clear and calm mindset we get back at the review.  

DukeCT: 
Agreed starting to get a migraine  

(James and DukeCT walk away scene fades to black before cutting to James as he stands on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before fading to black then cutting to James as he stands on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to the movie as James and DukeCT does a voiceover) 

TLOTA (Voiceover):
 After an incident in which Athena nearly takes Kim out with her laser lipstick and a reference to the series as the classic suit is seen, Kim helps Athena out with a makeover dressed like how Kim does in season four. Kim, Ron and Athena go out on a mission and guess who decides to drop Kim, Ron and Athena to the Mission? (Show clip of Christy Romano cameo as it pauses on a still of Christy Romano and the words “Hey kids, It’s Christy Romano! (Applause)” Show all of Christy’s cameo. Cut to James and DukeCT as they walk from the couch to James’ office. Cut to Christy and Brendan in James’ office as there is a knock on the door.) 

Christy and Brendan (In Unison):
 It’s open! (Cut to James and DukeCT as they stand in the doorway.) 

DukeCT: 
Uh, Christy, what was up with the Cameo? Was it to pay for something important? (Cut to Christy and Brendan) 

Brendan Rooney: 
Yeah, our daughters’ college fund (Cut to James and DukeCT) 

TLOTA: 
Makes perfect sense, Uncle to three nieces, did the same thing. Well, after the review, The throwback kitchen. Right? 

Christy Romano: 
Exactly! 

TLOTA:
 ‘Kay! (James closes the door. Cut to the movie as James and DukeCT do voiceovers) 

DukeCT (Voiceover):
 Athena who has become suspect in my mind discovers the entrance to a lab, while there, Ron discovers a CGI abomination that is supposed to be Rufus voiced once again by Nancy Cartwright! And do we even need to go into how this is wrong. 

TLOTA (Voiceover): 
Shoot for it? 

DukeCT (Voiceover): 
Seriously? (Cut to James and DukeCT physically) 

TLOTA: 
Fine! (Cut to clips of Kim Possible cartoon as James does a voiceover) 

TLOTA (Voiceover):
 In the animated series, especially in what was eventually split into a three parter, Momma Stoppable was allergic to furry creatures and at a place called Smarty-Mart Ron found Rufus a Naked Mole Rat on sale and bought it. Even though I think it may not be legal. I tried to research it and I came up empty. (Cut to the movie as James and DukeCT do voiceovers) 

DukeCT (Voiceover): 
 Our team find Shego and we get the biggest betrayal of a character EVER! (Show clip of Kim Possible claiming she’s scared of Eels, can’t escape the glass enclosure and how Athena holds her own against Shego. Cut to James and DukeCT as they slap themselves on the forehead, Cut to Christy Romano and Brendan as they slap themselves on the forehead, cut to Team TLOTA as they slap themselves on the head, Cut to everyone on Manic-Expression.com as they slap themselves on the head. Cut to the movie as James and DukeCT do voiceovers) 

TLOTA (Voiceover): 
Okay First off, Kim Possible being afraid of Eels! What?! Secondly, Kim Possible who is supposed to be nigh on UNSTOPPABLE CAN NOT ESCAPE FROM A GLASS ENCLOSURE! WHAT?!?!?!? AND FINALLY, EVEN THOUGH SHEGO GETS AWAY WITH HER MCGUFFIN FOR DRAKKEN, ATHENA AFTER SHOWING NO SKILLS WHATSOEVER HOLDS HER OWN AGAINST SHEGO! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!!?!?!!?!?!?!?!? ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! (Cut to James and DukeCT physically) 

DukeCT:
 Okay, James You need to relax you’re going nuclear and I know why now. Kim Possible was something your twin nieces liked a long time ago and seeing this betrayal is getting your memories of when your twin nieces were younger a real… 

TLOTA:
 Yeah! (Cut to the movie as James and DukeCT do voiceovers) 

TLOTA (Voiceover): 
The next day turns out even worse for Kim than yesterday as her humiliation is blasted all over the internet and apparently Athena is seen as the next coming of the popular person ever. So, what can Kim do?  Cry, feel sorry for herself and get some advice from Mim Possible.  

DukeCT (Voiceover): 
I’ll take this one. (Cut to the episode in which we see Mim Possible as DukeCT does a voiceover) 

DukeCT (Voiceover): 
Mim Possible was Kim’s Ancestor at the turn of the 20th century. She never met Kim EVER! That’s it on Mim Possible. (Cut to the movie as James and DukeCT do voiceovers) 

TLOTA (Voiceover): 
At an assembly honoring Athena though seriously, what did she do? Shego and Drakken come to take her. But according to the movie’s “I Fly a Choo-Choo Train”’s Logic Kim tries to rescue Athena only to fail, EPICALLY! But in a twist, we discover that Athena is in fact working with Drakken and Shego. 

DukeCT (Voiceover): 
And if that wasn’t a big enough twist, Athena is an android programmed to take everything that makes Kim Possible well Kim Possible. When Kim, her mom, Ron and Mim come to rescue her, Kim discovers the facts I just mentioned. (Cut to James and DukeCT physically) 

DukeCT: 
Look Movie I’m giving you one last chance to redeem yourself, let's see Kim be the great hero that her character has been throughout her series and not turn into a weeping will... (Show clip of Athena telling Kim the truth and Kim seeing everything then crying. Cut to James and DukeCT physically as James has an angry face) 

TLOTA (sounding angry): 
Duke, You angry! 

DukeCT (sounding defeated): Nah just disappointed I think this clip sums up my feeling about this movie so far. (Cut to "Idiots” clip from “Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie”. Cut to the movie as James and DukeCT do voiceovers) 

DukeCT (Voiceover):
 After that Athena is set to be used up by Drakken when Team Possible come in and gets captured and Drakken tells his plan to Kim and his team that he made Athena to take everything about Kim Possible and then after getting that they plan on using Athena to transfer everything about her into him! If you’re getting Molotov cocktails ready and trying to find Disney Studios, You’re not alone. 

TLOTA (Voiceover):
 Athena FINALLY after being so naïve realizes that Kim is the true friend, Drakken and Shego are just using her and of course Rufus shuts down the forcefield containing Team Possible AND FINALLY AFTER NEARLY AN HOUR OF TORMENT DO WE FINALLY SEE WHAT FANS WANTED TO SEE KIM POSSIBLE WHOOPING DRAKKEN AND SHEGO! AND AFTER EVERYTHING WE’VE BEEN THROUGH… It’s still awful especially when Kim disrupts the transfer, causing Drakken to become a kid, I’m just going with it and hope that things turn out alright in the end. The lab explodes leaving only the fresh scent of pine. Kim finds all of Athena’s essential parts rebuilding her to be more of a booster instead of a drain on Kim. Kim starts a Martial Arts Club and makes Bonnie suffer and the movie MERCIFULLY ends as Kim says a lesson about how she cannot be perfect at everything, still be a good friend and be a good hero. (Cut to James and DukeCT physically) 

TLOTA: 
THANK MERCIFUL HEAVENS IT’S… (James turns to DukeCT) It’s not over… is it? 

DukeCT:
 Nope! (James cries in pain as DukeCT comforts James. Cut to the mid credit scene as DukeCT does a voiceover) 

DukeCT (Voiceover): 
Apparently Drakken now because he’s a kid can infiltrate Kim’s School as a gifted kid because we need something to give us a lame set up for another horrible DCOM! (DukeCT roars and punches through the moment when Drakken says what he hopes will happen and shouts “ROMANO!” then runs to the right! James walks in.) 

TLOTA:
 Don’t worry folks, the review is just about over! (Cut to DukeCT as he runs into James’ office where Christy and Brendan are in.) 

DukeCT:
 Your movie caused a migraine so you deserve to get chewed out! Romano, You cannot tell me that you thought this was a good idea! This movie was a trainwreck!(Cut to clips of the movie as DukeCT does a voiceover) 

DukeCT (Voiceover): 
LOOK AT IT! THIS ISN’T THE WORK OF FANS! THIS IS THE WORK OF JACKASSES! THIS MOVIE IS THE FECES THAT IS PRODUCED WHEN STUPIDITY OVERDOSES ON IDIOCY! THIS MOVIE MADE ME ENVY THE DEAF, DUMB AND BLIND! (Cut to DukeCT as James comes in) 

DukeCT:  
GRAPPLING HOOK! CRYING! DUMB! BAD! (DukeCT collapses onto James from the pain of the migrane. Cut to Christy and Brendan as they survey the damage.) 

 Christy Romano:
 So Doc, do ya think we’ve done enough internet reviewers to tear this movie apart? 

Brendan Rooney:
 Well…. (Christy Romano and Brendan Rooney pull on their faces revealing that they are in fact Dr. Drakken played by Steve Kidd and Shego played by Rebecca Yaun!) 

Dr. Drakken:
 I have to say so, now to show the footage of this on the internet and… 

Shego:
 I hate to break the news to you but… I think someone’s coming. (Cut to the door as it shows Julia Alexa Miller as she notices and puts together the scenario) 

Dr. Drakken:
 SHEGO! ATTACK! (Cut to Shego on her smart phone then looks at Julia Alexa Miller, quickly gets her powers going attacks Julia Alexa Miller which is short lived as Julia Alexa Miller grabs both of Shego’s fists and neutralizes Shego’s powers.) 

 Julia Alexa Miller: 
Oh cool, so you gathered all the psionic energy that wasn’t being used, channel it into yourself and turn it into plasmatic fireballs in order to…. (Cut to Shego) 

Shego:
 Look little girl unless you’re going to talk me to death, I suggest you attack me. (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller) 

Julia Alexa Miller:
 Okay, you asked for it! (Julia Alexa Miller snaps Shego’s Wrists and lightning comes out of Julia Alexa Miller’s eyes.) Now get ready to feel my power! (Cut to Shego as Electricity courses through her changing Shego into a Lightbulb, A Las Vegas Casino sign that looks like James as a cowboy then into a Neon Christmas Tree. Cut to Dr. Drakken) 

Dr. Drakken: 
Well, this isn’t good! 

DukeCT (Audio only):
 Yeah, I’m gonna say it’s not gonna end well for ya Drakken! (Dr. Drakken has a look of surprise on his face as he turns. Cut to DukeCT and James as they stand tall) 

TLOTA: 
And what is going to happen to you is simple, to para quote an associate of mine: “We’re going to do you the same thing Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 1990’s” (Cut to Dr. Drakken) 

Dr. Drakken:
 I take that I will be thing to break? (Cut to James and DukeCT as they nod and run out of frame screaming and punches are thrown off screen. Cut to hours later as the real Christy Romano and Brendan Rooney come barreling in) 

Brendan Rooney:
 You’re sure this is the place? 

Christy Romano: 
According to the landlord, James moved here. (Christy sees James, his friends and DukeCT on the couch to her left.) Uh Hi James. (Cut to James as he and everyone else turns around and say Hi or Hello to Christy and Brendan.) 

TLOTA: 
So I take it that you two are here for Drakken and Shego? (Cut to Christy and Brendan as they nod their heads. Cut to James as he looks behind the couch towards Christy and Brendan) They’re in my office second door on the right. (Christy and Brendan walk to see James’ office clearly labeled and the two go in. Cut to see a disheveled Shego and Dr. Drakken as he goes blu-blub-blu. Cut to Christy and Brendan as James joins in.) 

TLOTA: 
Yeah, it’s not a pretty sight as a matter of fact, the fact his head didn’t explode like a watermelon in a Gallagher concert is a surprise to me. Oh yeah, Shego disguised herself as you and Drakken incognito as Brendan made me and my buddy DukeCT watch the 2019 Kim Possible DCOM. (DukeCT walks up to them) 

DukeCT:
 And we have thoughts, not just my Knee Jerk reaction. (Cut to clips of the movie as DukeCT and James do voiceovers) 

DukeCT (Voiceover):
 Two words to describe this movie is wasted potential. Look at the Cartoon series Kim Possible for what it was it was a great cartoon show that had a young woman protagonist that wasn’t the norm back in the day with interesting villains and great supporting cast is the show perfect? No, but it hit more then it missed and one would think you could make a great movie with the foundation the series made. But you would be wrong so very wrong. You know it's funny the people who made the series helped write this movie and yet why does this movie feel less of a love letter from the series but a badly done fanfiction of the show. From the lackluster production values to the Odd places they took the characters I would give this movie a very hard pass.  Show me the lie in that statement 

TLOTA (Voiceover):
 Okay, I have to agree with you Duke, the production values are lackluster, the writing is some of the worst I’ve seen, the acting does NOT live up to the legacy Christy Romano and Will Friedle created with the people who made the series. Though I do have to say they got the Casting right but otherwise I have to agree with everyone who has slammed this movie already, this movie is so not worth the time, money or dynamite to send it to the deepest depths of space! (Cut to James and Christy) 

TLOTA: 
Though now we’ve got to do something in order to make sure the truce stays intact. 

Christy Romano: 
Okay, what do you want to do? 

TLOTA: 
Well… (Cut to intro of “Christy’s Kitchen Throwback” then to Christy Romano in her Kitchen) 

Christy Romano: 
Hey guys and welcome to another fun episode of “Christy’s Kitchen Throwback” and we are here with someone I know, a good person to many he is James Faraci! (Air Horns Blare) 

James Faraci: 
A pleasure to be here 

Christy Romano: 
Now online you do an internet review series and you call yourself online? 

James Faraci: 
The series is called “The Last Of The Americans” and my character is the primary reviewing character and he is “James Faraci The Last Of The Americans”. Some people call me “Last Of The Americans” or James. 

Christy Romano:
 I’ll stick to James and I have seen your reviews. There’s a sense of fun and a silliness to go with it. But there is a right amount of Ham and cheesiness it is with that in mind we’re making a Ham and Cheese Frittata! 

James Faraci: 
Ooh, Cool (The recipe appears on the left side of Christy) And for those who didn’t see the recipe, it’ll be in the box below us! 

Christy Romano: 
And there is the throwback throwdown (Cut to the “Throwback Throwdown” logo and effects as Christy does a voiceover) 

Christy Romano (Voiceover): 
Three rounds of trivia all about your past career if you answer all three questions right, Brendan will have to eat a super gross food, if not we’ll eat it! It’s the Throwback Throwdown Challenge (Cut to Christy and James in Christy’s Kitchen) 

Christy Romano: 
And I based it on a review you did on a Shaymalan movie.

James Faraci (Laughing while talking): 
Oooh NO! Not that! 

Christy Romano: 
Well we modified it, behold “The Happening” Turkey meal! 

James Faraci (Sounding like Mark Wahlberg in “The Happening” while a little image of Mark in the corner is next to James): 
What? No! (Christy and James laugh) 

James Faraci: 
Actually, she did tell me about it so it’s good!  

Christy Romano: 
So let’s start off with the Ham we’ve got about a half a pound of ham. 

James Faraci: 
Sounds right (James the ham into bite size pieces) and let me look we’ve got about six ounces of shredded Cheddar, Gruyere and Swiss Cheese. I like weighing the cheese when I shred it. 

Christy Romano: 
And we have a good bunch of Spinach! 

James Faraci:
 I love spinach and how many huevos are we using? 

Christy Romano: 
Uh? 

James Faraci: 
Huevos! Eggs! 

Christy Romano: 
Oh Pfft! Eggs, that’s what huevos means! 

James and Christy (In unison): 
In Espanyol! (James and Christy laugh) 

Christy Romano: 
This is a three-egg dish! 

James Faraci: 

Cool!  And we’ve got let’s see a quarter cup of onions and a few tablespoons of butter. Now we sweat the onions in the butter and a pinch of salt. And as soon as it is sweated down, we add in the Spinach until it wilts. 

Christy Romano:
 And on that note let’s get into the first round of the throwback trivia. (Show graphic for Round one in “Throwback Throwdown” Cut to James and Christy in Christy’s Kitchen and the question comes up under the two in the graphics) 

Christy Romano: 
You Ready James? 

James Faraci:
 I’ll give it my best! 

Christy Romano:
 In which movie review did you say in the opening sketch did you admit that you sang in a choir that performed for which state’s Governor’s wife? 

James Faraci: 
Simple, I sang for the wife of then New York State’s Governor Pataki’s wife in the pre-opening to my review of “Suburban Knights” (Dinging noises) 

Christy Romano: 
That is correct. Now while we’re cooking, tell me about “Suburban Knights”. 

James Faraci: 
“Suburban Knights” is the second in a series set in a universe of movies starring Internet Reviewers in events that happened in a weird way that it was filmed and sold for Public consumption. Pass the Ham and scramble the eggs and I’ll set the oven for 350 degrees.  

Christy Romano: 
Okay. 

James Faraci: 
Now back to me explaining about “Suburban Knights” and the Internet Reviewers movies. The first of these movies that I know of was a little thing called “Kickassia”. The plot of that is simple. An Internet reviewer who I simply call “Critic” because he’s been revealed to be a…well, there’s no way to say it but he’s an ass and he drags his cohorts to the Nevada Desert to take over an Acre of Land which through a loophole is considered a micronation known as Molossia but over the past few years it has expanded to 11 Acres. Well the invasion was short lived and to make a long story short. Let me pull this out (James reaches off screen and pulls out the clip from the movie “Clue” as everyone says, “Too Late” and James shoves it back.) It lasts about a week and amounts to Nothing. The Second one is called Suburban Knights, “Critic” and crew return to find a magical gauntlet in a LARP event gone wrong. The third one is called “To Boldly Flee” and if you have a half a day, you’ll be able to see it. But the plot revolves around “Critic” paying for what he’s done while a plot hole centered at the Jovian moon of Europa comes to destroy all of us. Then comes a movie centered about one of those poor guys who was forced to go on all three events having a movie of his own based on his series “Atop The Fourth Wall” and it stars it’s host named Linkara. The movie was called “Atop The Fourth Wall The Movie” and The last movie I know of is called “Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie” in which The Angry Video Game Nerd tries to demystify the Gaming myth that all the unsold copies of the E.T. Game for the Atari 2600. Cheese please. Thanks, and now we’ve got ten minutes to finish up everything in the oven. So, while that happens, I’ll finish up what I know. The movie also involves aliens, Area 51 and the end of the world. 

Christy Romano: 
And that happened here as well. 

James Faraci: 
Pretty Much. 

Christy Romano: 
And now we move on to Round Two. (Show graphic for Round Two in “Throwback Throwdown” Cut to James and Christy in Christy’s Kitchen and the question comes up under the two in the graphics) 

James Faraci: 
Bring it on! 

Christy Romano: 
Which marriage proposal at which sporting event got you so angry because you saw that in the long run it wasn’t going to end with them at the Altar. 

James Faraci: 
Oh uh Phew, I… Oh boy, I admit I don’t remember. Give me a moment. 

Christy Romano: 
Ten seconds left. (James Faraci slams his hand on the Island) 

James Faraci: 
John Cena’s proposal to Nikki Bella at Wrestlemania…33? (Dinging Noises) 

Christy Romano: 
WOW! Pulled it out in the last moment. 

James Faraci:
 Phew. Yeah that was in a segment called “Reality Checkout”. It basically me just knocking “Reality TV” back down to the bottom of the barrel where it belongs. 

Christy Romano:
 Just how many different segments of your series do you have.  

James Faraci: 
There’s “Reality Checkout”, There are Top 10’s, A series of reviews in which I talk about the theatrical cut of a movie and the released other version of a movie called “The Different Cuts”, “In Defense Of” in which I defend something that we and the Pop Culture has pretty much seen as bad and I try to defend it and finally “Connect the Plots” in which I attempt to connect different movies in the same franchise whether or not it got rebooted or not. And just like that, boom! Frittata is ready. 

Christy Romano:
 And now here comes Brendan for the final round of the Throwback Trivia. (Show graphic for Final Round in “Throwback Throwdown” Cut to James, Brendan and Christy in Christy’s Kitchen and the question comes up under the three in the graphics) 

Brendan Rooney:
 Are you ready? 

James Faraci:
 Let’s do this! 

Brendan Rooney:
 In which movie review did you get smacked around after being unconscious while Mathew Buck and Trina Mason try to revive you after seeing something with Mathew Buck for a crossover and what moment scared the daylights out of you in said movie. 

James Faraci:
 I’ll answer but if I get it right, I am going to eat the “The Happening” turkey meal.  

Brendan Rooney:
 But it defeats the purpose of the Punishment. 

James Faraci: 
It’s called atoning for sins. Okay? 

Brendan Rooney: 
Whatever. 

James Faraci: 
Okay. The movie is called “Fishtales” and the moment that scared the daylights out of me was the shop owner that was a female that sounded like a male! (Dinging Noises) 

Christy Romano: 
Yeah that’s right. So, if you’re ready? 

James Faraci: 
You enjoy the Frittata and I stomach the Shaymalan Turkey! (James tries to bite into the Turkey dish as Brendan and Christy enjoy the Frittata. James goes to the sink to blow chunks) Oh god that was awful. Lesson learned never make meals around film makers.  

Christy Romano: 
Okay James while you blow chunks, tell our audience where they can find you. 

James Faraci (Before blowing chunks again): 
I’m on Facebook, on Twitter, on Instagram, on TikTok, on Snapchat, on YouTube, on my site Jamesfaracitlota.blogspot.com, on Manic-Expression.com, on Dasher on Dancer on Prancer on Vixen on Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and on Blitzen. (James goes to the sink to blow chunks again.) 

Christy Romano: 
Thanks James, We’ll see you next time! (Christy and Brendan walk away as James continues to blow chunks in Christy’s sink. Cut to black) 

What makes gross out humor work?

(Opening begins at the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Well after three months of sitting through American Pie, I can say honestly, it'll be a cold day in HELL before I touch another Gross Out movie. But after watching all of them, I think I have a good reason why this sort of comedy has in some regards a level of legitimacy in comedy! (Cut to clips of gross out comedies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Now I'm not going to say that I'm an expert on the subject on comedy, if anything a lot of things that has happened to me recently has made an expert in some moments that were meant to happen years down the line. But after three months of sitting through and wading through such viscera and filth and slime I actually discovered something interesting. A formulae as it were. Something that makes gross out humor work.  It's not perfect but in some weird way works. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Let's start off with the people involved there are the older generation, the younger generation, the high brow and the common or what many in Hollywood would consider low brow.

(Cut to clips of gross out comedies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

In some cases it's a case of an older generation finding the younger generations' wacky antics highly unorthodox and must be shut down or that the Younger generation have to have an awesome adventure that will most likely end with them trying to have sex or something bigger. Then comes the fact that there are parents who try to understand the youth and come off looking and sounding dumber than the kids. Then we have the rivals of our heroes those who believe themselves superior in some capacity that offsets our heroic young generation and are so entitled that they believe they should have everything and when they get the comeuppance they rightfully deserve. When it comes to the differences in the classes it is usually the blue collar against the white collar. The White Collar or what is known as the Hoi Polloi or The Hoidy Toidy are those that look at everyone else as if they're beneath them and when they get a sense of comeuppance from the Blue Collar community AKA the middle class AAKA Guys like me and Rowdy who apparently according to the White Collars are the bottom of the barrel and deserves the worst. But through wacky shenanigans the White Collars get what they should get and The Blue Collars are shown in such movies like "Caddyshack", "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective", "There's Something About Mary" and "Animal House", "Monty Python's The Meaning Of Life" and many others. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And one of the few of these Gross out movies that work is surprisingly "Dumb & Dumber" (Cut to clips of "Dumb & Dumber" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
And I think it's because it balances out the dumb grossout humor with the intelligent humor and it doesn't hurt that when the intelligent side tries to overdo it, leave it the dumber grossout stuff to balance it out. Plus the Chemistry of the actors and the story and the timing and everything that shouldn't have worked made it work. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:

And sadly for every 10 "Dumb & Dumber"s we have to deal with at least 100 gross out parodies done by Seltzer and Friedberg. (Cut to Gross out Seltzer and Friedberg comedies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

And for the record, they're god awful, not humorous movies that just try for the lowest common denominator and can't reach it. They have no real story and the acting that registers as barely decent and the humor is just hairs above what can be found in "Freddie Got Fingered" but that's not saying much about the Schlock and crap that gets made. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
But then again that is just my taste and of course Comedy like art is subjective to taste and to some people A Seltzer and Friedberg movie is a comedic masterpiece and find "Who's On First?" so hard to comprehend. But there those who look down at something like "Dude Where's My Car" and has a collection of "Cheech and Chong" (Cut to gross out comedies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
And that's because again comes down to taste. Just because someone made a tale of epic entertainment doesn't mean it's to my liking and I'm not going to tell you not to enjoy something if you want to enjoy it. But as long as we have individual points of views and tastes I can understand certain things even what makes gross out humor works and why we all need a laugh and I think of one comment when it comes to comedy especially gross-out comedies (Cut to The Duckman rant on comedy and how it should be. Cut back to James physically.)

TLOTA:

Well put Duckman. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That's my opinion! (James walks out to see DukeCT on the horseshoe couch) Hey DukeCT! How have you been man?

DukeCT:
Doing good my man, (The Two hug it out) Hey James I got something to ask you.

TLOTA:
Ask away Hombre.

DukeCT:
How'd you like to do a crossover?

TLOTA:

Whatever you want to review, we'll do it!

DukeCT:

The 2019 Kim Possible DCOM.

TLOTA:
Except that! (The two sit down on the couch)

DukeCT:
Why not?

TLOTA:

Back when I did my review on "The Even Stevens Movie" Christy was slightly peeved.

DukeCT:
Define "Slightly Peeved"

TLOTA:
She was willing to pay a hitman to have me killed!

DukeCT:
DAMN!

TLOTA :
Thankfully her now husband Brendan decided to play peacemaker. ( The sound of Two people walking behind James and DukeCT are heard as James continues to talk)We signed a truce, I never review her movies and I leave her be, She lets me review anything else and I get to live to be an even older man than I am now, get married to my in care home nurse after the best years my life have been sucked out of me. (The two figures stand behind James and DukeCT)

DukeCT:
Well what if I decided to call them up back February 29th so that way I could do a crossover with you in April and they were fine as long as it was a crossover.

TLOTA:
You could get A Decree of Veracity from Gabriel and I'm still not going to do it.

Christy Romano (Audio only):

Well I appreciate your loyalty to your word, we did talk it out with DukeCT

Brendan Rooney (Audio only):
And we're fine with it James, go for it!

TLOTA:
Every ounce of my being does not want to turn around because if I do, I will not handle it well so I suggest we head out through the secondary exit, down the steps and through the parking lot and we'll do something else.

DukeCT:
For the love of WrestleMania! (DukeCT picks James up and turns him towards the figures and James cries "NO!" as his Jaw drops and he slowly backs up with DukeCT The Kill Bill Ironside song is heard the camera turns to Christy Romano and Brendan Rooney as they smile. Cut to James as he looks up and DukeCT smiles and wave at Christy Romano and Brendan Rooney)

TLOTA:
You are a woman who hates me aren't ya! (Slam to black)

The "Reunion" Slice Of Pie

(Scene begins as “Laid” by James plays in the foreground while a group of execs played by Team TLOTA trade their Charts, Graphs, etc., for pie baking utensils as they make the perfect pie crust then fill it with the nastiest bodily fluids possible then slap it in the oven, pull it out and the pie explodes. Cut to later as they clean up the mess and notice an entire series of movies. Cut to the outside of James’ office as he picks them up and sighs as the door closes as the words “American Pie” Bakery” are seen. Cut to James in his office.)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours and now we’ve come to the final slice of pie and believe me I wish it was good. (Cut to title card of “American Reunion”. Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
“American Reunion” may just be the least liked film in the entry because it had the idea of trying to put our fully-grown adult protagonists back into high school shenanigans and hope it works. Well it took a few years but it happened better as John Cena, Ike Barenholtz and Leslie Mann did it in a similar movie, but will this movie be as good as “Blockers”? Or will this final slice of pie leave me with a bad taste in my mouth? (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Let’s get this final slice of pie in us this is “American Reunion” (Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Our movie begins with… (Audio of “Bump N Grind” by R. Kelly) What?  (Show opening as it shows Michelle taking care of the baby and Jim on his laptop as the song plays over it) OKAY TIME OUT! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I SEE SO MUCH WRONG WITH THIS INTRO! (Show opening as it shows Michelle taking care of the baby and Jim on his laptop as the song plays over it as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Number One) The Song that plays in this opening minute! “Bump N Grind” by R. Kelly?! ARE YOU SERIOUS?! AS OF THIS POST AS FAR AS I KNOW, AND FEEL FREE TO CORRECT ME IN THE COMMENT SECTION IF I’M WRONG,  R.KELLY IS IN A PRISON CELL WITH THE TRAMP STAMP OF “CHOMO” BRANDED ON HIM AS HIS CELLMATE IS WEAVING UP AND DOWN THE HERSHEY HIGHWAY!

Number Two) WHY SUCH A LAME SET UP?! BETWEEN THE “CHOMO”’S SONG IN THE FOREGROUND I THOUGHT, ME PERSONALLY THEY WERE DOING IT WITH THEIR SON IN THE BEDROOM PROVING JIM’S DAD WRONG.

And finally, WHY IS JIM USING THE “CHOMO”’S SONG BEING USED TO HELP HIS KID WHILE LOOKING UP PORN WHEN HIS WIFE IS RIGHT THERE TO HELP HIM! GAAH! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
We’re already a minute and a half into this movie and I am now foaming at the mouth, this is not good for me! I can see it getting worse before it gets better! (Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Anyway, we soon discover that Jim and Michelle have a son and their sex life has hit a lull as Michelle finds heaven whispering sweet nothings to a shower head and Jim as he should done in the first movie use the internet for what it’s for. (Show clip of James and his male friends singing Trekkie’s lines in “The Internet is for Porn” from the first “American Pie“ movie review. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Did I just use a clip of me and my friends in January where we sang the first Chorus of “The Internet Is For Porn”?  I must be getting low on different clips. (Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Jim’s son Evan played by George Christopher Bianchi interrupts daddy during his private time, Jim slams his laptop on his penis probably giving the poor kid a serious psychological scar which will never heal. We soon meet up with Jim as he gets a call from Kevin talking about a Reunion as we see Kevin having happily gotten over Vicki with his wife Ellie played by Charlene Amoia and promising no Stiffler. But apparently Finch and Oz have lost touch with  Jim and Kevin as we see Oz now one step away from “Benchwarmers 2” as a sports commentator on a sports news series and is a successful celebrity dating a woman by the name of Mia played Katrina Bowden as her “Interior redecorator” played by Raheem Babalola hang out hot tub side. And we soon find out that Stiffler still collecting those Sexual restraining orders while working at a Investment firm being made to suffer the slings and arrows of his boss. Finally getting a small amount of Comeuppance for his Jackassery. Meanwhile Jim, Michelle and Evan make it to Jim’s dad’s place as we discover that he had a young friend named Kara who invites Jim to her 18^th birthday party and I have Captain Benson on Speed dial just for the record. Jim once again returns to “Jim’s Bedroom Of Shame” when we discover Jim’s mom has since passed on meaning Molly Cheek was too busy to get involved in this turkey and I personally can’t blame her. Meanwhile they talk about Evan’s future Sex Life as Kevin, Jim, Oz and Finch who apparently dropped off the map find their way to their local bar as the bartender named Selena played by Dania Ramirez finds the old clip of Jim’s shame. Stiffler now living with his mom and finding the others. We soon see they look to their senior class wishes and know that many of them are feeling as if they haven’t achieved their desires yet and decide to get together for the raunchiest weekend of their lives as we soon cut to Jim passed out in the Kitchen having no pants and no idea what in the hell happened and (Cut to every clip of Will Smith in “Fresh Prince Of Bel Air as he shouts “MAMA NO!” Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And I agree with Will on this one, I need a moment myself.

(The scene fades to black as James shouts “MAMA NO!” and the echo permeates the sound of the commercial break before cutting to James as he stands on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before fading to black then cutting to James as he stands on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As everyone once again heads upstate for the weekend we soon discover that Jim and the others they’re not as they once were, and Finch says probably the biggest load in the history of the franchise. (Show clip of Finch saying “Us, our generation, We were more mature” repeatedly as clips of them doing sexual things that’d get them into trouble with the law now a days. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Yeah you were Finch, Whatever gets you through another day I suppose. (Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Jim and the others look at Oz’s Girlfriend and let’s face it, she’s good looking but unless you’ve got something awesome, it’s just a pretty wrapper. Speaking of which, one moment. (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller’s office as she is working on certain things and James comes in and surprise kisses her)

Julia Alexa Miller:
What was that about?

TLOTA:
Just wanted to thank you for being something awesome in my life.

Julia Alexa Miller:
No Donkey Show at the B.P.

TLOTA:
I wasn’t going down that route, we’re probably gonna have a cake with the guys and have a Chicken Barbeque.

Julia Alexa Miller:
Well as long as I…

TLOTA:
You can go Frickin’ Hog Wild at your Girls Night Out!

Julia Alexa Miller:
Thank you. (The two kiss and James walks away. Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Oz soon rediscovers Heather as she and her boyfriend Ron meet and a punk named AJ who I assume is a distant relative to Stiffler as he decides anything Stiffler did he can do more of and get away with it but our five friends band together to get those guys for the shenanigans they would’ve done if they had no inhibitions as Stiffler gives them a dose of their own medicine by dumping in their cooler and then proceeds to destroy their jet skis! Meanwhile Vicky arrives and the gang makes it to Kara’s 18^th Birthday Party just as sparks fly between Finch and Selena, Oz and Heather and their significant others chat with another as Oz’s significant other Kara gets drunk leaving Jim to take her home and apparently Kevin and Vicky had a night where they hook up.  Meanwhile Stiffler has an opportunity to get out of being a Temp as he has to set up a presentation for his boss while trying to get to the reunion. Amid all of that, Kara believes there’s something between her and Jim and that leads to a party at Stiffler’s and before you can say “Been There, Done That”. A brawl ensues at the Party, Michelle and Jim hit the rough patch after what happened between him and Kara is revealed, Jim’s dad even after knowing Stiffler decides to join Stiffler in drinking and meets Stiffler’s mom, Oz’s Girlfriend gets hopped up on Ecstasy and Heather’s Boyfriend known as D-Ron turns out to be a D-Bag and both Heather and Oz reunite, Finch is arrested for stealing a Motorcycle and everyone admits they hate Stiffler because of him being Stiffler. Feeling like the loser he should be, he ends the party! (Cut to Stiffler walking away from the others ending the party as the audio of Eric Cartman shouting “Get the hell out I said! The Party’s over, GET OUT GOD DAMN IT!” Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Geez Stiffler, if you don’t like the truth, just do what most people do, get into Politics! (Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
The next morning everyone suffer the ramifications from the party hit everyone comes to the reunion Finch got bailed out as he tells the truth as he reveals he’s an assistant manager at Staples and was denied a raise, so in turn he stole his bosses’ motorcycle. They also apologize to Stiffler because without him, High School even with everything that’s happened to them was interesting and fun and after saying what he said to his boss which in the real world would get him fired. The five hit the reunion. Stiffler becomes a Party Planner for two of his friend’s wedding and finds Finch’s mom and hooks up with her in an act of revenge to Finch as he hooked up with Stiffler’s mom,  Jessica comes out as a lesbian, Selena and Finch apologize and hookup, Nadia meets up with everyone, Jim after letting Kara know what it is with him reunites with Michelle. And our movie ends with our friends agreeing to meet at least once a year as everyone moves back to town even though Finch and Selena plan to go traveling for a while and in a mid-credit scene Jim’s dad and Stiffler’s mom decide to date. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And that was “American Reunion” and all things considered, it was a good send off slice of “Pie” but not as good it should’ve been. (Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
All things considered it wasn’t a bad movie it just felt like month old pie. The acting was good as was the story and the fact they restrained themselves in the usage of Gross out humor is a positive but a lot of it feels Cut, Copy and Paste in terms of where the movie was going to go.  It feels like its saying to its audience “Yeah we’re as old as you are, and we’ve given everything we had, and I hope it was a fun nostalgia trip for you.” And for me, it was a good idea just poorly conceived at the point it was made.  It took a few years to perfect it with “Blockers”. If you enjoyed it, good for you.  I tried to enjoy it but ultimately this was the one slice of pie too many for me to stomach.  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that’s my opinion.

Four slices of "Pie" Ala DVD

(Scene begins as “Laid” by James plays in the foreground while a group of execs played by Team TLOTA trade their Charts, Graphs, etc., for pie baking utensils as they make the perfect pie crust then fill it with the nastiest bodily fluids possible then slap it in the oven, pull it out and the pie explodes. Cut to later as they clean up the mess and notice an entire series of movies. Cut to the outside of James’ office as he picks them up and sighs as the door closes as the words “American Pie” Bakery” are seen. Cut to James in his office.)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Well with Three cinematic successes of American Pie under Universal’s belt, how could they keep the success going? By taking the franchise into the realm of Straight to DVD territory. (Show title cards of the straight to DVD “American Pie” movies. Cut to clips of all four straight to DVD “American Pie” movies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
These four movies try to continue where the first three movies left off in telling teen hijinks with sexual mishaps. Would they be able to continue and enhance the legacy of the movies that came before them? Well given the history of Universal’s Straight To DVD material, I’m not looking forward to quality work. (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA:
And before we begin, Spoilers, they’re going to flow like the fluids that have essentially kept this franchise going on so many levels. I will also be doing these in rapid fire succession! So, let’s start with “American Pie: Band Camp”. (Cut to title card of “American Pie: Band Camp”. Cut to clips of “American Pie: Band Camp” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
So remember Stiffler’s little brother in the first two movies? Yeah, he’s now as horny and pathetic as his older brother.  How Pathetic? He tries to out gross his older brother and fails spectacularly. And as punishment must spend the Summer in Michelle’s Band Camp where she had her sexual awakening and found love for Jim there as well. Will Stiffler’s brother somehow evolve beyond being his brother and find love with a band girl played by Arielle Kebbel and deal with Jim’s dad once again played by Eugene Levy? Well, you have to see the movie as to experience the disgusting and surprisingly the heartwarming parts of this movie. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And as quickly as a pie could get made, we get a unique continuation and a sequel with “The Naked Mile”  & “Beta House”(Cut to title card of “American Pie: The Naked Mile” and “American Pie: Beta House”. Cut to clips of “American Pie: The Naked Mile” and “American Pie: Beta House” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
And this time we look at believe it or not while Jim’s dad is still here we have Stiffler’s cousins who have to now go through an event known as “The Naked Mile” as they try to get through it they find themselves in the same type of scenarios Jim Levinstein should’ve suffered during his tenure with the Pie. But because this movie like “Band Camp” was successful this movie had what could be closest to an actual continuation in it’s own story “Beta House” as the Stiffler Cousins continue their shenanigans as they take on their rivals “Beta House” especially when it’s discovered that one of the Stiffler’s love interest might not appear as what she claims she is. While that’s going on Jim’s dad is head of a Collegiate Olympics between the fraternities? Will Beta House win? Will the house that the Stiffler’s have win? You’ll just have to see them both to see how gross the collegiate life of a Stiffler truly is. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
However it was by this point that the quality of the Straight to DVD Pie movies were starting to go down to in quality. However, since they are Straight To DVD the quality is never going to be as good as the theatrical stuff but regardless they were able to churn out one last slice with “American Pie: The Book Of Love” (Cut to the title card of “American Pie: The Book Of Love”. Cut to clips of “American Pie: The Book Of Love” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Essentially a rehashing of the First “American Pie” but this time involving different characters apart from the fact that a Stiffler Cousin is here…AGAIN, however, thankfully he’s not the center of the movie and of course Jim’s dad again but this time the story also focuses on repairing and restoring “The Bible” from the first movie after it suffers from damage from shenanigans. Will our four friends and Stiffler cousin learn from The Bible? Will “The Bible” be restored to its glory and help those who need it? Well again you’re going to see it to understand it and hope that you can not get that upset from what is a piece of pie that sadly goes stale quickly. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And that was the problem, the formula went so stale so quickly that it doesn’t surprise me that these movies aren’t as good as the theatrical ones. (Cut to clips of all four straight to DVD “American Pie” movies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
But that’s not to say that these movies have nothing redeeming about them. A lot of the acting from actors like Bug Hall, Brandon Hardesty, the Aforementioned Arielle Kebbel, Jason Earles, Robbie Amell, Italia Ricci, Rachel Skarsten and Beth Behrs is memorable but for the sake of good taste watch them at your discretion because by “Beta House” you’ll find yourself getting sick from this much Pie! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
But who knows, maybe after that the idea of American Pie returning to the big screen could be something good! (Show clips of “American Reunion”. Cut to James physically) This one maybe the one that breaks me!

A slice of "Wedding" Pie

(Scene begins as “Laid” by James plays in the foreground while a group of execs played by Team TLOTA trade their Charts, Graphs, etc., for pie baking utensils as they make the perfect pie crust then fill it with the nastiest bodily fluids possible then slap it in the oven, pull it out and the pie explodes. Cut to later as they clean up the mess and notice an entire series of movies. Cut to the outside of James’ office as he picks them up and sighs as the door closes as the words “American Pie” Bakery” are seen. Cut to James dressed in a tuxedo in his office.)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. I’m wearing a Tuxedo because, well this slice of pie, happens at a Wedding. Which of course means all sorts of jokes from… you know what? I’m going to try to keep “The Room” jokes and references down to a minimum. Instead, I will try to use references to other movies released around that time. I mean what other movie was released around the same time…(Cut to a poster of “Gigli” as a dramatic sting plays. Cut to James getting ready to run for his life as Julia Alexa Miller drags him back in by the seat of his pants)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Okay, if you can get through this without making a reference to “The Room” and as few mentions of “Gigli” as you can then maybe, just maybe I’ll reward you with (Whispers something in James’ ear which makes James smile)

TLOTA:
LET’S DO IT! (Cut to title card of “American Wedding”. Cut to clips of “American Wedding” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
This is the slice of Pie that took down “Gigli”!  What made this movie so successful outside of being made to take on the Worst movie ever? What could happen as Michelle and Jim walk down the Aisle? How can Stiffler be more of an ass? Can Finch find someone a little more age appropriate? How much more gross out humor will they shove in? (Cut to James in a tux his office)

TLOTA:
Let’s see if this slice of pie is can be as good as the other two, this is “American Wedding”! (Cut to clips of “American Wedding” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
The movie opens as Jim and Michelle are on a date celebrating graduating from College and Jim has something big on his mind and for the first time it isn’t sex! As Jim talks about the fact they live with his parents and probably knowing Jim he and Michelle are in “Jim’s Bedroom Of Shame” and in the middle of this date, Jim’s dad informs Jim he left a ring back at his place and he’s coming with the ring. Stalling until his dad arrives, Michelle decides to pleasure Jim in the restaurant right in the middle of that, Jim’s dad comes in with the ring but as it is with Jim comes at the most inopportune time as Michelle overhears something and Jim’s dad embarrasses him as he is… yeah, Censoring everything below Jim’s waist here and just to ensure the little dignity he has left the top of him as well. After that Jim asks the big question, the question that changes lives, permanently! (Show Jim proposing marriage to Michelle. Cut to the rest of the movie as James does a voiceover) We soon see Jim being congratulated by Finch and Kevin with the happy news. But where’s Oz? (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I guess he had better things to do than to congratulate his friend on his upcoming nuptials for… (Show poster of “The United States Of Leland”. Cut to James physically) Nothing I saw. (Cut to clips of “American Wedding” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As a matter of fact, Heather, Jessica, Nadia and Vicki aren’t in this one either, Where the hell were, they? (Show posters of “Devil’s Pond”, “Van Wilder” and “My Boss’s Daughter” and James says “Okay, never saw those, Where’s Jessica?”. Show posters of “Die Mommy Die” & “Party Monster” and James says, “Never seen those either, Okay Heather, where was she?”. Show poster of “Trauma” and James says, “Seriously? Where was Nadia at this point? I’d really like to know…”. Show poster of “Love, Actually” and James shouts “OH COME ON?! YOU GUYS COULDN’T SHOW YOURSELVES AT A WEDDING?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH AT LEAST THREE QUARTERS OF YOURSELVES, TARA REID I SADLY KNOW WHAT’S WRONG WITH HER!” Cut to clips of “American Wedding” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
The next day, everyone comes to congratulate Jim and Michelle when… (Show Stiffler as he enters, and James says “Right on Cue and as big a horny ass Stiffler is! Seriously, He’s getting restraining orders the same way the Cullens from “Twilight” has graduation caps! “. Show clip of Edward as he says, “Uh yeah, it’s a private joke, we matriculate a lot!”. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Yes people, I just made a reference to “Twilight”! This is not a good mental sign for me! (Cut to clips of “American Wedding” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Michelle’s parents arrive, their dogs have their way with Stiffler and Jim! Hoping to start fresh Jim and Michelle continue to feel good about their wedding, Stiffler discovers Jim and Michelle are getting married which of course means Bachelor party and for Stiffler means more of a reason for him to be an asshole and hopefully for our sake be locked up for the rest of his life having to sleep with one eye open and praying his bunkmate doesn’t want to weave up and down the Hershey Highway. At any rate, Jim continues to try and patch things up with Michelle’s parents. Meanwhile Stiffler forces himself into the wedding by showing Jim how to dance because Jim dancing is a plot point in this movie. Jim however decides if Stiffler is going to be at his wedding to Michelle, Stiffler better tone his actions and attitude down to zero otherwise Michelle will kill him and she doesn’t mean it as a Euphemism, Michelle will literally beat the living man crap out of him and mount his privates on her mantlepiece. The only caveat for Stiffler acquiescing is that he gives Jim the most fowl and disgusting Bachelor Party since the movie “Bachelor Party”. Meanwhile to get Michelle’s dress it’s off to Chicago and to a bar to find Leslie Sommers. As the others look for Leslie, Stiffler goes bar hopping at a Gay bar while there an associate of Leslie by the name of Bear played by Eric Allen Kramer. Stiffler and Bear have a dance off to find Leslie. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I’m getting a little exhausted right now, there’s only so much I can take. We’ll be right back!

(The scene fades to black before cutting to James as he stands on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before fading to black then cutting to James as he stands on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Stiffler wins the dance off, Leslie reveals himself and says whatever Michelle’s dress she wants, she’s got it no questions asked. Meanwhile Bear helps with the Bachelor Party. And Michelle’s sister Cadence played by January Jones stir a romantic rivalry as to who will win her. Stiffler or Finch. (Cut to James physically as he puts on a dealer’s cap)

TLOTA:
Okay People, who do you think will win, betting begins, Now! (Cut to Team TLOTA as they all shout who’d they think will win and Julia Alexa Miller looking at everyone and wondering what’s going on as her whistle shatters glass.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
What is going on? Are you guys seriously betting on who will win the heart of Cadence? (James walks over to Julia Alexa Miller)

TLOTA:
It was meant to be a funny joke that I do but since you said that, I am now forced by Internet Creator Guild laws to use this clip. (Cut to the clip of The Joker shouting “If you have to explain the joke, THERE IS NO JOKE!”. Cut to James and Julia Alexa Miller)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Oh, okay, put me down for neither at a hundred dollars.

TLOTA:
Okay.  (The others look on and sigh in disbelief and walk away. Cut to clips of “American Wedding” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Finch tries to overhear their conversation as Michelle tells her sister she can’t explain love! ARE YOU SERIOUS?! YOU’VE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A DUDE WHO AFTER EMBARASSING HIMSELF TIME AND AGAIN BETWEEN PUTTING HIS DICK IN A PIE, EMBARASSING HIMSELF ON-LINE AND CAUSING THE FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT TO BE SENT BACK TO HER HOME COUNTRY, GETTING HIMSELF SUPERGLUED TO HIMSELF AND A PORNO, FOR LACK OF A BETTER TERM, WHO TROMBONED HIMSELF TO BE WITH YOU , GIVING UP THE WOMAN HE THOUGHT HE WANTED FOR YOU AND YOU CAN’T EXPLAIN LOVE?! (Cut to clip of Linkara having a mental breakdown in his review of “Maximum Clonage”. Cut to the movie as James continues his voiceover) Ugh, at any rate, Stiffler see Cadence as well and wants nothing more than to bone her. So, what to do? Change his appearance and attitude just to get into bed with her. But spoilers, it’s still Stiffler which means he’ll do something so infantile, so disgusting that anything he does will come back to kick his ass and leave him a pathetic broken pile of garbage with no hope whatsoever and I will have NO sympathy for him WHATSOEVER! As a matter of fact Stiffler weasels his way into the Wedding even further as Jim and Michelle see what he’s doing around Cadence and Michelle’s family and if Michelle isn’t happy, even though they had plenty already, it means that Jim ain’t getting any on the honey (Singing): Moon! (Talking): As the two give him the only chance he’ll get. Stiffler and Jim continue the dance lessons and they talk about of all things shaving the hair down there for that optimum effect. Meanwhile the battle for Cadence continues as Stiffler tries to up the intelligence and Finch goes to the bottom of the barrel! There are not enough pillows for me to scream into for how STUPID this is that it works in Finch’s favor! Meanwhile the Pre-Wedding jitters hit Jim, just as Kevin, Finch and Stiffler have Jim’s Bachelor Party when Michelle parents come in unexpectantly with Jim not that far away because they made a turkey dinner for Michelle’s Family and Jim! (Cut to the “UHF” audio clip of Gedde Watanabe shouting “STUPID! YOU’RE SO STUPID!” at a still of Kevin, Finch and Stiffler! Cut to the movie as James continues his voiceover) Bear hides in plain sight as a part of the help around here. Meanwhile the strippers decide to play hide the anal beads. I’m just glad this was made in 2003 and not when Jared Leto was “The Joker”. The maid stripper comes out as a maid and Stiffler says that all of this was his idea and it went wrong. Surprisingly Michelle’s parents forgive the whole gang! I now present this image! (Show clip of Alec Baldwin in “30 Rock” as he pours a drink with the words “This drink is for all those who are in pain right now from watching this movie” over the clip! Cut to the movie as James does his voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Now the gang head upstate as the hijinks continue and preparations for the wedding intensify and tensions are ramped up big time and as someone whose seen this happen twice already with my brother marrying my sister in law and my sister getting married to my brother in law, I’ve seen people in my family crack like eggs! And in the case of Stiffler it means waiting for a dog to crap just to get the Ring Michelle’s mom entrusted to Stiffler and Jim’s grandmother not approving of Michelle because she’s not Kashrut! While that goes on, Jim decides to clean himself, down there and the results are a cake that no one can ever eat! Meanwhile Cadence discovers the real Stiffler after Stiffler ruins the floral arrangement by shutting off the power to the refrigerators to get a bottle of champagne to get Cadence liquored up then bang her like a drum. Pissed off at that, Cadence tells Stiffler to drop dead while Jim and Michelle boots him out of the wedding! Then in a moment nobody watching this movie would expect, Character development for Steven Stiffler as he grabs the florist and the entire football team that he was coaching as a job to recreate the floral arrangements. He even makes Jim’s grandmother forget certain things like how much she doesn’t care for Michelle by… (Show clip of Stiffler and Jim’s Grandmother. Cut to James physically as he  looks disturbed to the point of total disgust , takes off his glasses and then the sound of “The Crying Game” plays as James runs out of the room, Julia Alexa Miller sees it, shouts “Oh Mein Gott!” and follows James. As The song plays James and Julia collectively toss their cookies, Brush their teeth with violent vigor, Stick clean plungers on their faces, toss their cookies then toss their clothes and every single “American Pie” movie in a barrel filled with a flammable liquid then console themselves in a fetal embrace in the same bathtub as both shout and cry “NO! NO!”. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
So after…. (shudders) Jim thanks Kevin, Finch and even Stiffler for all they’ve done. Finally, after what feels like an eternity of mishaps, escapades, and all sorts of disgusting things that’d make Tom Green heave his regurgitated lunch, Jim Levenstein and Michelle Flaherty exchange vows and make it legal. As everyone celebrates cue Stiffler’s mom to come by just to give Finch more of a complex problem and the movie ends with the two of them in a bathtub for two. Jesus Christ forgive me for what I just saw! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Because for as much as I wanted to enjoy this one, Yeah, this was just a rough slice of pie to sit through. (Cut to clips of “American Wedding” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not a bad film, it was just a hard one to sit through one time. The acting is good, the story moves at a fair pace and it felt like a natural ending point for these movies. But the gross out humor took me out of the movie and lest I forget (shudders). Quite honestly, if you enjoyed this one, L’Chaim! But this was just one slice of pie that left a bad taste in the mouth! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And to save myself some time, next week four mini reviews of the Straight-To-DVD fare! I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to comfort Alex after what she’s been through!