"Musketeers" & Madmen

(Scene begins with a smartwatch screen and a finger as it taps the screen and the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand as it taps an app on his phone as it opens a portal, and it cuts to James and the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun and Doug Yaun and the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca & Doug Yaun, Rebecca and Nick Yaun” is shown as it then slides away to different images of Andrew Beach Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath and the credits of “Andrew Beach, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” is shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays. Everything becomes a swirl of Reds, Whites, and Blues as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions" “Executive Producers: James Faraci, Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Olivia Horvath” “Editing by Eric Kurtzke and James Faraci” “Written and Directed by James Faraci” are shown as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays. We then see an image of James as he jumps through the portal and lands with half of his team on his right. The other half on his left is on a black background, and the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays. Cut to James dressed in his usual garb but more with a Renaissance fair look in his office.) 

TLOTA: 
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. There’s a reason I’m dressed like this. Some “Big Names” apparently accepted my invitation to come to the “New York Renaissance Fair” and I will be their guide. However, someone else will be going to the Renaissance Fair with us, and if you want to listen, then allow me to open the door. (James opens the door as Linkara sings the “Camelot” soundtrack to everyone's irritation.) There’s a reason why I have added soundproofing in the building. But as I looked at myself dressed like I came out of the nut house, I figured I’d check out a movie that was somewhat set in that period. (Cut to the 1993 Live-Action Disney “The Three Musketeers” title card, then clips from the movie’s trailer as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
Released in 1993, not long after, Kevin Costner’s attempt to play “Robin Hood” was mocked by everyone, even Mel Brooks. Disney’s live adaptation of Alexander Dumas’ “The Three Musketeers” remains a unique telling of the classic story. The acting is solid, and the story is fine, but something is interesting about it, and I think the best thing for me to do is review it and find out what it is that makes it enjoyable. (Cut to James in his office.) 

TLOTA: 
And seeing as how I have a little time before my other guests arrive, let’s give it all for one and one for all as we check out the 1993 Live Action Disney Movie “The Three Musketeers” (Cut to the 1993 Live-Action Disney “The Three Musketeers” as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
The Movie opens in a dungeon as we’re introduced to Cardinal Richelieu, played by... No! (Cut to James physically) 

TLOTA: 
TIM CURRY AS CARDINAL RICHELIEU?! Please tell me he does such a performance that is at the same level as Dr. Frank-N-Furter and Wadsworth the Butler from the movie “Clue!” (Show every clip of Tim Curry as Cardinal Richelieu, then cuts to James as “Hallelujah” is performed in the background) THANK YOU! THANK YOU, ALMIGHTY GOD HOSANNA, IN THE HIGHEST! I shall love this performance for all its Glorious Curryness! (Cut to the 1993 Live-Action Disney “The Three Musketeers” as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
Anyway, Cardinal Richelieu shows that he is using his seat of power to usurp the King Of France as we believe he will show mercy to a wrongly imprisoned man but has him executed anyway as he meets with someone to help him in his plans. We then cut to a small village in France as we’re introduced to D’Artagnan, played by future “NCIS: Los Angeles” star and yes, Robin in the Schumacher Batman movies, Chris O’Donnell, as he takes on a very self-righteous, prissy little prick of a villager who thinks D’Artagnan dishonored his sister when nothing of the like happened and this guy is so annoying, it makes me wonder if he gets his comeuppance by the end of the movie! (Show every clip of the guy wanting to have D’Artagnan taken out for this, with him screaming the last line, “RUN!” Cut to James physically) 

TLOTA: 
WHO IS THIS JACKASS!?! (Cut to a clip of the 1996 “Doctor Who” movie with the Eighth Doctor as he says, “I’m half human, on my mother’s side!” Cut to James physically) PAUL MCGANN! THE EIGHTH DOCTOR?!  WHO ELSE IS IN THIS MOVIE! (Cut to still of Athos cut with a still of Jack Bauer in “24,” then to a still of Porthos and Harvey from “Beethoven,” then to a still of Aramis and a still of Charlie Sheen in the middle of his mental breakdown in late 2000 then to a still of Rebecca De Mornay as Milady De Winter and a still of her in “American Reunion” then to a still of Gabrielle Anwar as the Queen of France in this movie and a still of her in “Burn Notice,” then to a still of Julie Delphy as Constance in this movie and a still of her in “Avengers: Age Of Ultron” as “Madame B.” Cut to James in his office) I... I... I’m at a loss of words over all the talent in this movie! I truly am! (Cut to the 1993 Live-Action Disney “The Three Musketeers” as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
However, D’Artagnan’s journey seems to have hit a whopper of a snag as Captain Rochefort of the Cardinal’s Guards, played by Michael Wincott, who happens to be a former Musketeer, tells the Musketeers that by order of the King, The Musketeers are no more, however, three have yet to relinquish their tunics as we’re introduced to them in the same way as the book this movie is based on. As D’Artagnan comes to Paris, he comes upon one of the Queen’s Handmaidens, played by Julie Delphy, then comes upon Athos, played by Jack Bauer himself, Kiefer Sutherland, in grievance over the fall of the Musketeers. D’artagnan challenges him to duel Porthos, played by Oliver Platt, amid what he would consider fun. D’artagnan challenges him to duel, then D’Artagnan comes upon Aramis, played by Charlie Sheen, as he escapes getting what should’ve happened to Charlie Sheen MULTIPLE TIMES and D’Artagnan challenges him to a duel. They arrive, and D’Artagnan realizes, “OOPS! I challenged the Musketeers” (Cut to James physically) 

TLOTA: 
You know I expected better from you, “Robin.” I honestly did! (Cut to the 1993 Live-Action Disney “The Three Musketeers” as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
Just as the duel begins, The Cardinal’s guards come to arrest Athos, Porthos, and Aramis. However, D’Artagnan decides to join the Musketeers against the Cardinal’s guards; after the fight, Aramis, Porthos, and Athos tell D’Artagnan to let go of his dreams, and while they run off, D’Artagnan decides to fight and winds up in a Bastille! (Cut to James physically) 

TLOTA: 
Well, just know Hetty and the others aren’t going to save you this time. (Cut to the 1993 Live-Action Disney “The Three Musketeers” as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
While trying to get out, D’Artagnan overhears a conversation. Although he denies hearing anything to the Cardinal, it’s off to get the haircut at the neck down when our Three other Musketeer heroes rescue D’Artagnan as they procure the Cardinal’s coach, which just so happens to have (Show a hand opening a chest as it shows Cervesa Cristal Chilean Beer! And the Jingle from it plays. Cut to James physically.) 

TLOTA: 
How the hell did that happen? (Cut to the 1993 Live-Action Disney “The Three Musketeers” as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
With the Musketeers now criminals in the eyes of Cardinal Richelieu, The Cardinal decides to put a bounty on them. (Show a clip of Cardinal Richelieu demanding The Musketeers and their price, either Dead or Alive, preferably dead! Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover) D’Artagnan tells the Musketeers what he knows and that they must intercept the Cardinal’s associate before that person reaches Calais with a document set for the First Duke of Buckingham and prove Richelieu’s guilt. Resting for a bit of food, drink, and in the case of a couple of them, women, especially the less than Pious Aramis because again it’s Captain “WINNING!” as that Musketeer, Athos drinks alone in remembrance and to exposit plot! (Show a clip of Athos talking about the events of some things that happened to him without saying that he’s the guy to whom the events happened. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.) The next morning, the four are ambushed and must find different ways to get to Calais. D’Artagnan makes it there first, but he is in rough shape. (Show clips of what will happen next in the transition to and from commercials in “NCIS: Los Angeles” and then to James in his office.) 

TLOTA: 
What? I will milk every reference I can. It’s in my vocation! (Cut to the 1993 Live-Action Disney “The Three Musketeers” as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
D’Artagnan awakens to Milady DeWinter, played by Rebecca De Mornay, as she tries to seduce him and then axe the guy. However, D’Artagnan can play the least of the smartest as she decides to take him with her. Still, thankfully, the others reach the boat and fight off more of the Cardinal’s guards as Athos finds Milady, who was her first husband in his plot exposition, and the truce as she gets ready to be executed for the murder of her second husband, the Count DeWinter. Athos finally decides to forgive Milady. Milady tells him about the Cardinal’s plan to assassinate the King at a celebration before... (Audio of The 11th Doctor as he shouts “GERONIMO!” as Milady DeWinter jumps to her death. Cut to James physically.) 

TLOTA: 
Oh, that’s what my last online dating connection did when we tried to meet in real life. (Cut to the 1993 Live-Action Disney “The Three Musketeers” as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
Speaking of the king, whom I so stupidly forgot was in this movie, he and the Queen, played by future Burn Notice Fiona Glenanne actress Gabrielle Anwar, believe that something is off with the Cardinal and the few people close to them, including D’Artagnan’s lady friend try to keep themselves safe because without The Musketeers and The Cardinal’s Guards in league with the Cardinal, it’s safe to say he and the Queen are up Rivière de Merde without a paddle, a boat, and they can’t swim! Meanwhile, the Musketeers are now armed with verified information. The Musketeers send the message that it’s time to get to work and get to the King’s Birthday event post haste! The day has come as Cardinal Richelieu has set everything up with a sharpshooter ready to kill King Louis, and with this sort of tension, there’s only one reference I can make now. (Show the different clips of the same scenes as done in a scene of “24” mixed with scenes of James’ friends doing things as Linkara continues to sing the soundtrack to “Camelot” dressed in his King Arthur gear and James waiting for a phone call and it goes back to normal as D’Artagnan stops the Sharpshooter. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.) With his plans looking like it’s been foiled, the Cardinal’s guards go up against Athos, Porthos Aramis, and all the Musketeers. After that, the Cardinal takes the King and Queen to the throne room, and he tells them his plans to take the throne. (Cut to the Queen as she denies The Cardinal the right to marry him and would rather die, and Cardinal Richelieu shouts, “THAT CAN BE ARRANGED!” Cut to James as a code red is happening, and everyone rushes in) 

Doug Yaun: 
What’s going on? (Cut to James) 

TLOTA: 
It’s the Tim Curry Ham levels; he’s at peak “Muppet Treasure Island” ham levels! Any hammier than that, he’ll be in “Superhuman Samurai Syber Squad” levels of ham! (Cut to the 1993 Live-Action Disney “The Three Musketeers” as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
Just as it looks like The Cardinal has the Upper hand with the Captain of his Guard using a Musketeer’s sword, The Musketeers and D’Artagnan come in as the brawl continues, and in the middle of the fracas, The Cardinal shoots Aramis. With their comrade apparently fallen, Porthos and Athos go after the Cardinal, who has the King and Queen as leverage/hostages, just as the battle between D’Artagnan and Captain Rochefort begins as Rochefort brags how he murdered D’Artagnan’s father! And that gets D’Artagnan in the same anger Chris O’Donnell had before his agent got him onto “NCIS: Los Angeles” and the two fight only to have Constance, the Julie Delphy character, hand D’Artagnan his sword to shish Kabob Rochefort. Meanwhile, Porthos deals with something that reminds me of a nightmare of an image from the Chevy Chase “Nothing But Trouble” movie, and the two confront Cardinal Richelieu as he vows to return, not knowing that the truce with the First Duke of Buckingham never left France. Still, The Cardinal will leave and return to take the throne when Aramis, showing that the bullet meant to kill him, got him in the crucifix instead. And just as he’s about to apprehend the guy, the king just ups and “I AM A MAN!” punches Cardinal Richelieu! (Show the moment as Cardinal Richelieu is punched and the audio of Wadsworth the Butler [AKA Mr. Body] says “Good Shot! Oh, Very Good!” as he hits the water. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.) With The Cardinal now going to jail and the Musketeers reinstated, King Louis decides to reward D’Artagnan with whatever he wants, and he wants to become a Musketeer, which is what D’Artagnan becomes. Athos, Porthos, and Aramis give D’Artagnan the job layout when... OY GEVALT! Can we just get to the part where this guy gets his ass kicked! Well, that doesn’t happen as The Musketeers run him out of town, and that’s it: “THE END!” Oh, wait, since this is just like “Prince of Thieves,” let’s have the end credits play some pop song. (Show the credits as “All for Love” by Bryan Adams, Rod Stewart, and Sting play, cut to James physically) 

TLOTA: 
So that was “Disney’s The Three Musketeers,” it was all it was supposed to be, and I loved it. (Cut to clips from the 1993 Live-Action Disney “The Three Musketeers” trailer as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
On the surface, it could’ve easily been just another cheap copy and paste of “Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves,” but it put the effort into what it was supposed to be. The acting was awesome, Tim Curry was just unstoppably great as Cardinal Richelieu, and the writing was just as good as the book it came from. My only negative is that it’s not at the forefront as it once was. If you haven’t seen it, then for the love of Alexander Dumas, check it out; if not for all the talent of the Mouse Eared Regime, then for the talent of all in this amazing movie. (Cut to James as he joins everyone) 

TLOTA: 
Okay, review is over and I got confirmation the Big Names got what they needed, and they will be here in a few minutes. In the meantime, let’s take the time to know they will be filming us, they are not fully aware of the NY Ren Fair lifestyle, I am hoping we all can behave ourselves. (Cut to Paulo Fonseca dressed as “Zorro” and Brenda Fonseca dressed as “Elena”) 

Paulo Fonseca: 
Absolutely (Cut to Rebecca and Nick Yaun dressed as D&D Characters) 

Nick Yaun: 
No problem (Cut to Doug Yaun, Eric Kurtzke and Andrew Beach dressed as “The Three Musketeers”) 

Doug Yaun: 
We can behave ourselves. (Cut to Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath dressed as common people in the Renaissance Fair) 

Olivia Horvath: 
No sweat (Cut to Linkara) 

Linkara: 
Good sir, I assure you that I, dressed as the King of Camelot, shall behoove myself in the manor worthy of my fine character! (Cut to James) 

TLOTA: 
And Minimal singing from you Linkara! (The Door opens as Christy Romano and Anneliese Van Der Pol dressed as women of nobility and everyone is looking surprised as James is reminded of someone he loved and lost. Cut to Christy and Annelise) 

Annelise Van Der Pol: 
Okay, James? James? (Snapping Fingers) Earth to the guy who invited us to the Renaissance Fair? (James snaps out of it as Annelise gets ready to slap him senseless) 

TLOTA: 
I’m sorry, it’s just that Christy reminded me of someone I fell in love with a lifetime ago. (Cut to Christy Romano) 

Christy Romano: 
Okay, I am going to regret asking this but what happened? (Cut to James) 

TLOTA: 
It was me, I failed her, I failed them all. I can never get the... (Cut to Annelise and Christy) 

Annelise Van Der Pol: 
James, we’re not here to basically hear your sob story, we’ve got a festival to go to! Come on let’s go! (Everyone walks out of the office as Linkara starts to sing the Camelot soundtrack again as it cuts to James.) 

TLOTA: 
Well, even Big names have no time for me, I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, and that’s my opinion.