(Scene begins with a smartwatch screen and a finger as it taps the screen and the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand as it taps an app on his phone as it opens a portal, and it cuts to James and the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun and Nick Yaun and the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca & Rebecca and Nick Yaun” is shown as it then slides away to different images of Andrew Beach Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath and the credits of “Andrew Beach, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” is shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays. Everything becomes a swirl of Reds, Whites, and Blues as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions" “Executive Producers: James Faraci, Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Olivia Horvath” “Editing by Eric Kurtzke and James Faraci” “Written and Directed by James Faraci” are shown as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays. We then see an image of James as he jumps through the portal and lands with half of his team on his right. The other half on his left is on a black background, and the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays. Cut to James in his office.)
TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, and the views I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. 2024 has been a year that just doesn't want to stop, and one of the big ones was that of noted "Bad Girl" Shannen Doherty. (Cut to clips of Shannen Doherty as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.): And I say the following about her: While she did have problems and issues, I think the press overemphasized what was happening. I had met her once at a convention. With most of those people, it was "Hello, How are you, etc." when I met Shannen, it was "Hi" like we were old friends that reconnected. It was at that point that I told her about my Top 13 Charmed Episodes list and what it would take for her to be around her former costars, especially Alyssa Milano, because they've been like oil and Nitroglycerine (Not exactly a safe combination). Throughout the day, I had her and the others from "Charmed." Shannon was a professional on camera and a sweetheart who surprisingly understood my sense of humor. Her career started during the last few years of the "Little House" TV series as Jenny Wilder. She also went on to voice a character in the movie "The Secret Of Nimh" and co-star in the series "Our House" with Wilford Brimley. By the start of the 1990s, her career kicked off with the series "Beverly Hills, 90210." which led to other career opportunities, including working with Kevin Smith in "Mallrats," and other movies and directing, as well as starring in the series "Charmed." (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: And the movie that helped her break out was the darkest comedy I've ever seen. (Cut to the title card of "Heathers" then to clips of "Heathers" as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.): Released in 1989, "Heathers" is the most messed up Dark Comedy I have ever watched! This is a movie that makes "Mean Girls" look like "GLEE" & "Scream Queens" combined. It makes the most unhinged episodes of "South Park," "Bob's Burgers," and "Family Guy" look like the Care Bears in comparison. The story is so messed up, the acting is so straight, it's an arrow, and the visuals at the right points are so surreal that you'd think this was someone's fever dream. But does it hold up, especially against modern teen movies?(Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: Let's try some corn nuts; this is "Heathers." (Cut to the movie "Heathers" as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.): The movie opens with our group of Mean Girls that make anything Regina George, Rachel Berry, and Chanel Oberlin look like nuns as we're introduced to the "Heathers" themselves: Heather Chandler, played by Kim Walker, Heather Duke, played by Shannen Doherty, Heather McNamara played by Lisanne Falk as they prepare to continue tormenting their outside member Veronica Sawyer played by Winona Ryder as shown in this fantasy of the Heathers using her in croquet! We then cut to Veronica, who will narrate things in a diary so we know what's happening. We then find the clique forcing Veronica to forge a letter to an unpopular girl in the hopes she commits suicide. While writing, we meet J.D., played by Christian Slater, as he looks at the football bully jocks named Kurt and Ram, one who is played by future JAG star Patrick Labyorteaux. As Veronica apologizes for not attending a party, she locks eyes onto J.D. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: The last time I saw a couple starting out by looking at each other in a school scenario, we wound up with... (Cut to clips of "The Twilight Saga" for five seconds before cutting back to James physically.) THAT! (Cut to the movie "Heathers" as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.): As we see Veronica being pulled away from a friend she used to know to get people to continue to suffer under Heather Chandler with a lunchtime poll, We also get a look at the different cliques through this poll as Heather Chandler tells Veronica they're heading to a college frat party. Then Martha realizes she's been the butt of a prank. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: I was pranked once in High School, and it never happened again! The moral of this little tale is: Don't mess with me; it will end badly for you! (Cut to the movie "Heathers," as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.): Feeling upset for what she did, Veronica tries to get away from her, but Heather Chandler basically says, "Veronica, You're my bitch! Live with it for the rest of your life!" However, Veronica finds herself interested in J.D. Kurt and Ram are scared and stupid by a gun with Blanks fired by J.D. He is suspended for it, probably one of the few things that would not happen today. We then meet with Veronica's parents, who are distant from her and reality. On her way to the kegger, J.D. and Veronica meet at a convenience store. The girls find themselves doing things that, if I were there, I would be basically suspended from my college for protecting them; I would even deny their advances. Veronica writes that she has an urge to end Heather Chandler. The two then argue, and Veronica says this little quote. (Show clip of Veronica saying, "Lick it up, baby! Lick! It! Up! Cut to the movie "Heathers" as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.): That night, J.D. and Veronica met up for a little fun. The next morning, J.D. and Veronica meet with Heather as J.D. slips a little drain cleaner into a mug for Heather Chandler and then... (Show Heather Chandler choking on the drain cleaner, and the last word out of her mouth is, "Corn Nuts!" Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: So the last words out of her mouth are "Corn Nuts," not "You F'ing Bitch" or "Assholes" or something to implicate that they're going to hell. Look, I had no idea about what it meant to be a teen in the 1980s, nor do I know now, and with one niece inching towards High School herself and my great nieces years away from that, I hope they will be sure to have me in their lives to protect them! If nothing else goes wrong in the next few years. (Cut to the movie "Heathers" as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.): Concerned that they'd be implicated in a murder, which is what they would be facing after what they did to Heather Chandler, Veronica quickly writes a note that would make it look like a suicide at J.D.'s insistence. This death gets the school board concerned about how it seems to them as they decide to give the students an hour to mourn her. Even though she was as cold-blooded as the shark from "JAWS" and half as friendly. However, her death makes her even more popular as we see the relationship between J.D. and his dad is messed up in ways that really make me glad that the relationship I had with my dad was as good as it was. Heather Chandler's funeral is seen as the social event of the year. Kurt and Ram soon find themselves, Veronica and Heather McNamara, in a Cow Tipping where J.D. rescues Veronica. The next morning, Kurt and Ram spread a lie about the fact they had a roll in the hay after the Cow Tipping. Pissed off as all get out, Veronica and J.D. decide it's time to make the two the butt of a prank, which turns into a double homicide which is again, thanks to Veronica's penwomanship makes it out to look like the two offed themselves after they went "Brokeback Mountain!" At Kurt and Ram's funeral, we get this moment. (Show a clip of Ram's dad as he says, "I love my dead gay son!" Cut to the movie "Heathers" as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.): With the deaths now piling up, Veronica's guilt over what she and J.D. are doing starts to hit her like nobody's business; the school sees itself in crisis mode as the counselor decides that everyone now has to get together and sing "Kumbaya!" J.D. soon has the start of an idea.(Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: Okay, I know I'm mature enough to know that in this situation, I would call the cops NOW! But if that situation at that time, I'd be going after J.D., and I would make it look like he threw the first punch, and I defended myself. I could do that, and I did! (Cut to the movie "Heathers" as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.): After getting under Heather Duke's skin, J.D. convinces her to take the lead in the Heather clique. Shocked to handle this, Veronica decides to hang out with an old friend to relieve some of the stress until the other Heathers show up. Meanwhile, Martha, the first victim of the pranks, decides to join in; however, she survives her attempt as Veronica tries to convince her parents to listen to what she is saying. While everyone is ramming in this one song that, as far as I know, never charted. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: As a matter of fact, let me ask an expert. (James presses a button as the static cuts to Todd In The Shadows)
Todd In The Shadows: What do you want, ass monkey? (Cut to James)
TLOTA: Hi Todd, Thanks for the help in my American Pop Music course. I need to know if Suicide prevention songs ever charted here in the States! (Cut to Todd In The Shadows)
Todd In The Shadows: Here's a wild idea, research it yourself! (Static cuts to the movie "Heathers" as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.): After Heather Duke embarrasses Heather McNamara into a near suicide had it not been for Veronica's intervention. Heather Duke morphs into an even colder-blooded being than her predecessor and says it's all J.D.'s idea. Realizing that J.D. is a master manipulator, Veronica has a messed up fantasy about what would happen if J.D. gets his messed up hands onto Heather Duke. However, J.D. gets inspired by what his dad did and decides to do it at the school after faking her own suicide attempt because J.D. was causing her to go off the edge. (Show clip of Veronica's mom seeing what looks like her daughter's suicide as narration from Robert Downey Jr.'s Sherlock Holmes tells us how a hanging is faked. Cut to the movie "Heathers" as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.): Armed with the knowledge of J.D.'s bombing plans, Veronica does the smart thing and calls the cops, or she just decides to take the psycho down herself; that works, too. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: Okay, seriously, we have seen cops in this movie; where are they when we need them the most? Like RIGHT NOW, WHEN SOMEONE IS GOING TO BLOW THE SCHOOL TO SMITHERINES! IS IT TOO MUCH FOR ANY GOD DAMNED GENERATION TO SAY "HEY, OFFICERS, WE ARE IN NEED OF YOUR ASSISTANCE!" (Show the clip of Robert Wagner as No.2 In "Austin Powers In Goldmember as he says, "Oy Gevalt!" Cut to the movie "Heathers" as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.): The two fight it out, with Veronica doing everything to stop J.D. as the school has a pep rally that totally seems to be consistent with the tone of this movie. Veronica stops the bombs from blowing up the school; however, J.D. decides that if he can't blow the school up, he'll take himself out, and the movie ends with Veronica taking the red bow of the Heathers, declaring herself the new sheriff in school and deciding to hang out with Martha! Roll Credits! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: And that was "Heathers!" It still remains the most disturbing movie I've ever seen! (Cut to clips of the movie "Heathers" as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.): I can honestly say that every time I watch it, I am still disturbed by everything from the cold-blooded deaths to how demented the chain of events goes down every second of the violent acts. Are there moments of humor? Yeah, a dark comedy isn't all crazy darkness. The acting holds up; no wonder this movie gave Winona Ryder, Christian Slater, and Shannen Doherty a career afterward; the story moves at a solid pace; if someone were to tell me that this movie was a dark, satirical of the 1980s teen comedies at that time, I would think you're crazy. If someone were to tell me that this should be for those who need to survive High School no matter what decade you're in, then I'd tell you that you are right, even with the advancement of technology. So it's with a severe suggestion that if you're a teen and just about to start high school, give it a watch with a parent around to give context or after you graduate to be glad that you survived. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: And know this, if you decide to take on my niece and my great-nieces when they get to High School, know this, my crazy old ass will haunt you! I will make you... (James' phone goes off as it cuts to a pre-recorded message made before Shannen Doherty's death)
Shannen Doherty: Hi James, if you're watching this, that means I've died, and you have just finished watching "Heathers," and you are grandstanding that you will make those punks and "Heathers" or "Mean Girls" as everyone calls them now, pay for harming your nieces or great-nieces, I remember you telling me about how big a dork you were and hoped that someone like Brenda or someone like one of my characters would give you the time of day. Well, I hope things are great with you now; if not, you deserve what you got! Have a nice life, James! (Cut to James)
TLOTA: Even from beyond the grave, no one can give me a break! I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, and that's my opinion!
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