(Scene begins with a smartwatch screen and a finger as it taps the screen and the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand as it taps an app on his phone as it opens a portal, and it cuts to James and the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun and Nick Yaun and the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca & Rebecca and Nick Yaun” is shown as it then slides away to different images of Andrew Beach Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath and the credits of “Andrew Beach, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” is shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays. Everything becomes a swirl of Reds, Whites, and Blues as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions" “Executive Producers: James Faraci, Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Olivia Horvath” “Editing by Eric Kurtzke and James Faraci” “Written and Directed by James Faraci” are shown as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays. We then see an image of James as he jumps through the portal and lands with half of his team on his right. The other half on his left is on a black background, and the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays. Cut to James floating in a crimson void with smoke as “Mistress Net,” played by Olivia Horvath, lords over him)
Mistress Net:
Well, we meet again. It’s been a while since I have had to do what I had to, mainly to break you and set you back on your true course!
TLOTA:
MY true course?! My true course was with Alex; we had everything together in my life. Not having my personal and professional lives destroyed, my reputation obliterated, and seeing my future eviscerated!
Mistress Net:
Oh, Please. Did you really think that you still held onto that silly future with you happy and having a normal life? You are an anomaly, as are your friends and associates.
TLOTA:
Those Assholes in Chicago aren’t my associates; the truth is out about them, they’re assholes and...
Mistress Net:
And You are not?
TLOTA:
Okay, you make a point! I can be an asshole, but at least I am honest about it!
Mistress Net:
True; however, now, there’s something big on the way, and you need to be free of certain things, even at a great personal loss.
TLOTA:
Outside of my family, I have nothing left to lose!
Mistress Net:
Let’s see how you feel after I bring you next! (Cut to the Title Card of “Madame Web” then to James floating in the crimson void)
TLOTA:
Bring it on! (Cut to clips of “Madame Web” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Released and dying a painful death in the same amount of time at the Box Office, “Madame Web” was trying to do what The Late Roger Corman did when he created his “Fantastic Four” movie. Keeping rights, in this case, Sony owning the “Spider-Man Universe” movie rights and, unlike, say, the lightning in the bottle of the “Venom” movies. This has been considered one of the worst Comic book movies. (Cut to Posters of movies considered “The Worst Comic Book Movie Ever” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
And believe me, there are plenty of contenders for that title! (Cut to clips of “Madame Web” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
But does it deserve that distinction? Well, today we’ll see if this is the parlor in which the Fly flips the Spider off! (Cut to James physically floating in the void)
TLOTA:
Let’s not waste any time, and something tells me... (James looks at his watch as he sees the numbers going around and around, with the numbers eventually turning into a gigantic question mark. Cut to James floating and looking at the camera) Just as I thought, time doesn’t mean anything right now; this is “Madame Web!” (Cut to clips of “Madame Web” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens with a Web and a pregnant researcher by the name of Constance Webb who is doing research on Spiders with healing properties and is joined by a man named Ezekiel Sims, played by Tahar Rahim, as they find a spider and Ezekiel happens to betray everyone and accidentally shoots Constance. However, by extremely convoluted coincidence, a tribe of people who look like Spider-Man take Constance, and while they can’t save Constance, one spider’s bite saves Constance’s daughter, Cassandra! (Static is seen as it cuts to J. Jonah Jameson, played by Eric Kurtzke is seen.)
J. Jonah Jameson:
A tribe of Spider-Men? How can they be healers if they’re in the Amazon? Next thing you’re going to tell me about someone who looks like Spider-Man who will be just what I know Spider-Man can be, and that is a menace! (Cut to James floating in the crimson void.)
TLOTA:
Okay, you know something? I would LOVE to FINALLY understand what you have against the Wall-Crawling Neighborhood Friendly Spider-Man! But I (James falls and screams and then lands in the same studio as Jameson as he begins his Podcast.)
J. Jonah Jameson:
Alright, you want to know what I have against that menace, and my reasons are simple; first, he hides behind a mask, and terrorists hide behind masks. (Cut to James as he puts pics of actual terrorists caught and dealt with on the screen behind the two.)
TLOTA(Sarcastically):
Oh yeah, I can’t tell who these guys can hide in the middle of nowhere, and they’re still out there causing chaos and madness! Besides, he might be wearing his mask to protect what few people he has left to protect from fallout. Now, I know the late Tony Stark came out publicly saying, “I am Iron Man,” but let’s face it, if it looks like Stark Tech, if it sounds, walks and talks like Stark Tech, then it’s obviously Stark Tech, He just decided to be responsible about it! Next Bullshit reason?
J. Jonah Jameson:
He uses his powers for his own purposes, not for anyone else. (Cut to James as he rubs his temples to alleviate the headache, then turns to Jameson)
TLOTA:
He has been using his powers for good; he has done things to help first responders and has been using his abilities to help people YOU wouldn’t give a second thought about. Let me tell you his story without giving too much away. Imagine being so milquetoast that not even the “Big Bang” geeks have respect for you. That is the person behind that mask of Spider-Man before he went to a science exposition in which radiation and neo-genetic research are involved with Spiders, and this milquetoast kid is bitten by a spider involved in the research exposition. He initially thought of using his powers to financially better himself and the people around him. However, at his first big event, he would be using his powers for that purpose, his uncle, let’s call this uncle... Ben. Ben is worried because this newly born Spider-Man is learning how to harness his powers and might become someone YOUR HITLER MUSTACHIOED ASS claims him to be. He said the following: “With Great Powers comes great responsibilities!” Spidey decides to get into “Sports Entertainment” and is screwed by his first booking, so when a thief comes to take the gate, Spidey lets the guy get away with it. THAT bit him in the ass as, guess what, there Roket Skyentist! Ben bought the damn farm, Spidey found out it was the thief who took the gate that killed Ben, and since then, he has used his powers for the greater good without the desire of financial reward and he even though he does good, it can never erase the mistake that will haunt Spider-Man until the day something just as bad happens, and he decides to end himself!
J. Jonah Jameson:
If he wants to be “Responsible” while hiding under that mask and use his powers, there is only one solution to that problem. He becomes the Mascot for J3 Communications and The Daily Bugle. (Cut to James, who now feels pissed off and is about to unleash the biblical Cain on J. Jonah Jameson.)
TLOTA:
Okay, Shit! Because that’s what you are, you’re shit. He already IS your mascot; you have been treating the guy like shit, and yet you’d want him to not help put money in your pockets by saying, “Hey! You see that event that went down. Well, now you can read about it on this webpage or newspaper! I’m sorry cock for brains, but if I had superpowers, I’d be using them for the betterment of all, not for someone like you who would rather profit off misery! I’m sorry, but you are such an incompetent asshole that I’m surprised that you can breathe without causing some stupid shit! Your incompetent ass should be down on your hands and knees that he is even doing anything for you, and you should be grateful that his photos are exclusively in your papers! And instead of using the truth in your news and stories, you do your whole Spider-Man is as evil as me, Trump, and FUCKING HITLER! HOW FUCKING DARE YOU CALL YOURSELF A JOURNALISTIC BEACON WHEN YOU ARE NOTHING BUT TABLOID TMZ TRASH! I HOPE YOU ARE BOUGHT OUT AND THEN BURIED BY SOME CORPORATE CONGLOMERATE, AND YOU ARE MADE TO BE AS BIG A JOKE AS THE KILLER JOKE FROM “MONTY PYTHON’S FLYING CIRCUS!” YOU RAT FACED, ASS MUNCHING, SPLOOGE SUCKING FUCK COCKER! (Cut to J. Jonah Jameson sitting there in shock and slowly creeps away in shock. Cut to clips of “Madame Web” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
We cut to thirty years later as Cassandra Web, played by Dakota Johnson, is now an EMT working with a man named Ben, played by Adam Scott. They come upon a call, and I must go right ahead and talk about the convolutions of everything in the movie. For this plot to make sense, Cassie is working with Ben Parker, THE SAME BEN PARKER who is the uncle to Spider-Man himself, Peter Parker, Cassie is a neighbor to one of the three women that Ezekiel wants to destroy to keep him empowered and meets the other two while on the job, and the powers the character has comes to her while on the job among everything else that happens in here, and that is the major problem I have with this movie, the convolutions. But I digress; Cassie is on the job one day as she gets trapped in a car that fell off a bridge in the water, Ben rescues her, and as I mentioned, her precognitive powers are engaged. Meanwhile, Ezekiel discovers the three that Cassie knows of by coincidence and circumstance: Mattie Franklin, played by Celeste O’Connor, Anya Corazon, played by Isabela Merced, and one of the more interesting casting choices, Sydney Sweeney, as Julia Cornwall. (Cut to James floating in the crimson void.)
TLOTA:
And I call it interesting because if you didn’t know better, Sydney might look like a teen, but she is close to thirty, yet she looks like someone my oldest nieces age. (Cut to clips of “Madame Web” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
As Cassie begins to understand that she can see in the future, one of her partners is killed while she and Ben are on the job. Cassie wonders if she’s losing her marbles, especially at a baby shower where she talks about her mom only briefly with Mary, played by Emma Roberts. after that, Ezekiel begins his strikes against the girls just as Cassie finds herself in the same subway car as Mattie, Anya, and Julia. Cassie grabs a Taxi and gets the three out of the city. We then see our heroines in the forest hiding from “Pseudo-Spider-Man!" If this didn’t add to the now cowering in shock J. Jonah Jameson’s unwarranted disdain for the Wall Crawler, then I don’t know what will! Cassie tells the three teens to stay put in the forest but, even back in... When does this movie occur? (A ding is heard as it mentions the year 2003. Cut to James floating in the crimson void.)
TLOTA:
Really? So, my oldest nieces, if things worked out, one of my nieces would be friends with a young man named Peter Parker. Excuse me... (James tries to turn around with no avail) You guys don’t want to see this! (James moves the camera behind him as he goes on a screaming and ranting bend that would shock sailors before James puts the camera on him.) Sorry. (Cut to clips of “Madame Web” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
As I was trying to say, teens don’t listen to anyone. Still, what’s popular and our three stoogettes go to a nearby restaurant when Cassie comes, and after a vision of how she screwed it up, Cassie decides, “Eh, screw it, Vehicular Manslaughter might be simpler!” However, as Cassie and Ezekiel fight, she’s hit by a toxin that Ezekiel can produce. Getting Julia, Anya, and Mattie out of harm’s way and at Ben Parker’s place where there is no May in this universe, Cassie decides to go to Peru to find out why her mom went down there and comes upon a tribal chief named Santiago who was there when her mom was killed and, in a moment, where Santiago uses the same type of magic down in Kamar-Taj, Cassie discovers that her mom didn’t go down for her job, but because she was trying to help her daughter who was diagnosed with myasthenia gravis. Armed with newly found intelligence and now able to control her abilities, Cassie goes back to hunt Ezekiel down for what he did to her and her mother, and of course, the power will be unlocked when she takes responsibility. Meanwhile, Mary goes into labor, and Ezekiel, through tech that was illegal in 2003 due to the Patriot Act and would be considered downright a one-way trip to Gitmo. Ezekiel finds Ben, Mary, and the three future Spider-Women. However, Cassie calls for a medical chopper to distract Ezekiel, and he quickly decimates it. Cassie decides to fight fire with fire as she tells the three to prepare for a fight. Ezekiel and Cassie fight and Ezekiel taunts how he killed Cassie’s mom and splits the three, getting ready to kill them. Then Cassie unleashes her power to rescue the three and tells Ezekiel that he went after them when he should’ve gone after Cassie. That is such a bad convolution that it took down the entire plot faster than the iceberg that destroyed the fricking Titanic! Cassie survives as a fireworks explosion in her face blinds her, and the toxin in her leaves her a paraplegic. The movie ends with Ben holding his nephew and Cassie saying she’ll watch over the three girls she is fostering as they gain and harness their abilities. Which will be awesome in the sequel featuring “The Misfits,” Azula, Daphne and Velma, The Super Marios, Skeletor, Sinestro, the 2010 Freddy Krueger, the 2016 Ghostbusters, the 2017 Power Rangers, and the Sinister Six!(Cut to James floating in the Crimson Void)
TLOTA (Singing):
And that ain’t all! Zoot! (Sighs)
TLOTA:
Admittedly, this movie is bad, but is it the worst? HELL NO! NOT EVEN ONE OF THE WORST MOVIES I’VE EVER SEEN! (Cut to clips of “Madame Web” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
As much as I had issues with the movie, they're minuscule in the grand scheme of things with this movie. The acting wasn’t “Batman & Robin” bad; the writing didn’t make me pine for “X-Men: Origins: Wolverine” or “The Green Hornet”; It wasn’t a bad Special Effects fest like “Superman IV: The Quest For Peace,” and in terms of character development, I would gladly watch of all things “Catwoman” without question. It was okay at worst and decent at best. It's something to watch in the background once in a while for something to have on in the background. So, I say give it a watch. It is, for all intents and purposes, NOT the worst comic book movie of 2024, not the worst Comic Book movie ever, nor is it the worst movie ever. (Mistress Net destroys the movie as she comes into frame enraged.)
Mistress Net:
HOW DARE YOU CONTRADICT WHAT EVERYONE THINKS! (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
It’s my opinion! That’s what gives me the right to contradict everyone else’s opinion. (Cut to Mistress Net)
Mistress Net:
And that gives me the right to continue to do what I must to turn you into what the upper gods demand that you and Linkara should be! (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Wait! Linkara? You’ve been tormenting him, which explains why he hasn’t posted any reviews, or he’s become increasingly lazy and incompetent as the years have passed. You’ve forced him to become docile for them! YOU LOUSY BITCH! (James takes a swing, and she disappears. Then, she pops up behind James to headbutt and kicks James with both her legs from her hover chair. James then summons the Ring Of Aeon and The Bracelet that houses the Gem from the Gauntlet “Malachite’s Hand” and proceeds to use them only to miss as she laughs and continues to tell James how pathetic his attempts to fight her is. James then thinks about his next move as he closes his eyes and proceeds to throw his right hand out and grab Mistress Net and pick her up for a whopper of a chokeslam. As James begins to fall, the scene cuts to Rowdy and Doug Yaun walks into the office.)
Rowdy:
James, The Mark told me things are as bad as everyone has been saying, and Doug here has... (A loud slamming thud shakes the building.)
Doug Yaun:
What the hell was that?! (Rowdy and Doug look at each other)
Doug and Rowdy (In Unison):
James! (Cut to Rowdy and Doug as they follow The Sword Of Caliverti as it floats to James as he continues to fight Mistress Net with his artifacts. Mistress Net tries to escape, with James holding her off from escape. The sword reaches James as he prepares a final blow. Mistress Net gives James a smile as if to say to him, “Do it, and the destiny I have foreseen will be complete!” Only for James to roar and miss the top of her head by a foot!)
Mistress Net:
Well, it seems there’s a fight for the future you desire, which is still in you. Something that will keep you from your destiny. You’ll never learn! (Cut to James in an Extreme Close Up)
TLOTA:
Learn? LEARN! I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOUR UPPER GODS AND YOUR OBSTACLES AND YOUR INCREDIBLE ARROGANCE! Don’t you and your upper gods ever come into our lives again! Do you hear me? DO YOU HEAR ME?! (Cut to Mistress Net as she summons her chair, sending James across the lobby)
Mistress Net:
(Grunts) Very well then, variant, just know that you and your friends and associates must unite, even with those you swore to never associate with ever again. You will face a crisis far more dangerous than even if you believe that you’ll have no other option than to fight together, once again, whether you want to or not! (Mistress Net disappears in a cloud of crimson smoke. Rowdy and Doug Walk forward)
Rowdy:
Was that who I was thinking of? (Cut to James as he pulls the sword from the floor.)
TLOTA:
The reason the amulet activated and caused the chaos that destroyed my future! (James collapses onto the floor.) I can only put up with stuff for so long. (Time skips to an hour later, as James, Rowdy, and Doug are in the break room.)
Rowdy:
So, in a moment of happiness between you and Alex, Mistress Net was able to access the amulet while you were on vacation, sent you on your journey, and made Alex into Verve.
TLOTA:
Yep
Doug Yaun:
Then, Chad inspired Chad to create the A.I. doppelgänger that nearly destroyed the show, but that doesn’t explain how your reputation tanked and your numbers hit bottom.
TLOTA:
My best guess is that it has been a slow burn to where I am, and it’s going to take quite a while for both to be near where they were beforehand. However, she mentioned a crisis and how all of us will have to unite to take it on.
Rowdy:
Does this mean we may have to bring in those guys from Chicago?
TLOTA:
I honestly don’t know if we can unite again, especially when it comes to those assholes. If they did the right thing, I might let them be the last to come on board. Otherwise, let’s do our best to try and stand together.
Rowdy:
Can we even do that? We’re so fractured as is.
TLOTA:
If mankind is to survive, we must put away our differences and find a way to gain peace for our generation and future generations. For now, I’ll have the Fall run ready in a few weeks, Doug, get everyone ready, and yes, I’m aware that Ed had to go. Wish I had known about Ed’s past after he and I lost contact with each other, but I didn’t know, so to rebuild, Doug, you’re officially a member of the team; I had Ed return his Power Driver; I deleted his isomorphic statement on the Isomorphic lock so it’s yours when you’re ready.
Doug Yaun:
Thanks, James. Raise them up. (The three raise their drinks up) To a better tomorrow!
James and Rowdy (In Unison):
To a better tomorrow! (The three clink their cups as it fades to black)
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