(Scene begins with a black background as words start to come to light, saying "The Last Of The Americans" and a voiceover done by James Faraci saying, "In the Internet Reviewer community, The people who review are expressing opinions based on what they have seen and experienced, and there are those with similar opinions, This is one of their voices." Clanging noises are heard, and fade cut into The Streets around the studio where James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, works as James Faraci runs dressed as a Detective, and Eric Kurtzke, as a Police Inspector, joins James in Running)
Det. Faraci (Played by James Faraci):
FREEZE! NYPD! STOP THAT MAN! NYPD TO CENTRAL, WE'VE GOT A SUSPECT IN PURSUIT; HE'S A RUNNER! BE ADVISED HE IS ARMED! (Cut to the two as they run into the studio, and they follow him as the two see a gun aimed at them; we see the suspect is Ice-T! and Detective Faraci and Inspector Kurtzke drop their weapons)
Inspector Kurtzke (Played by Eric Kurtzke):
Okay, let's just not do anything wrong.
Det. Faraci:
I think there may have been a miscommunication! (Cut to Ice-T)
Ice-T:
Damn straight, there are miscommunications, playa! (Cut to Detective Faraci)
Det. Faraci:
Okay, let's see how we can clear this up. (Cut to Ice-T)
Ice-T:
Word is that there's a jackass calling himself "The Last Of The Americans" slamming me and my girl Mariska Hargitay and my friends' work on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. (Cut to Det. Faraci)
Det. Faraci:
I think I can clarify it; let me skip the intro credits; trust me, it's better this way. (Cut to the opening credits of "The Last Of The Americans" done in the way of "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit with the current lineup of the team as it goes into fast forward then cutting to James dressed as "The Last Of The Americans" as Ice-T sits next to James holding him at gunpoint!)
TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans. The Views I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours, and I've got a guest star with me today, ladies and gentlemen: the one and only ICE-T! (Audience applause is heard as ICE-T accepts it before shooting a shot) Oh, come on, what else do I have to do! Doug, I'm sorry I will replace the sound board myself! (Cut to Doug Yaun with electrical equipment working on repairing the board)
Doug Yaun:
Don't worry, I am good at repairing this thing. (Cut to James and Ice-T)
Ice-T:
Your ass has more pressing problems, like being on my bad side!
TLOTA:
Why? Because I chose to be honest about my thoughts on "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit".
Ice-T:
Not only that, You seem to think that the show has been bad as of late when we've been kicking ass and taking your lily-white ass down the peg you deserve!
TLOTA:
Are you sure you're not on something I need to know?
Ice-T:
None of your damned business! Especially when you have no idea about "SVU"
TLOTA:
Sitting through 25 seasons and keeping a modicum of sanity proves I know what's happening with "SVU." (Cut to clips of "Law & Order: SVU" season 25, "Law & Order," and "Law & Order: Organized Crime" with the theme song playing over the clips as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The fact that it has lasted twenty-five years means it has staying power, but that doesn't mean it all has been good; case in point? This recent season! It was a slog to sit through, and because of the recent WGA/SAG-AFTRA strikes, not only was this season cut down to thirteen episodes (the shortest amount that can be ordered for a season), but it was also bogged down by one dominating case, missteps that would've taken down lesser shows and a feeling that it wasn't what it was meant to be. However, would thirteen episodes be enough to celebrate this series fully? (Cut to James and Ice-T physically)
TLOTA:
And can I please talk about the show honestly?
Ice-T:
As long as you don't do stupid things.
TLOTA:
I make no promises; this is Law & Order: Special Victims Unit Season 25. (Cut to clips of "Law & Order: SVU" season 25 as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
So, season twenty-five opens with narration by Olivia Benson talking about her career in SVU as we cut to see Sonny and Amanda's son, Nicky Carisi, being baptized. We then cut to a family where the daughter, Maddie, disappears. Olivia and her son talk about Nicky as Olivia sees the poor girl being kidnapped; the Squad, in its current iteration, does everything to rescue her, but they are getting bogged down by the pain in the ass since season 23 Chief McGrath who sees one victim rescued as the big victory, which by the way, it wasn't! Further complicating it is how they're still trying to solve other cases while trying to find Maddie. There's nothing wrong with it, but in a season this short, it bogs down everything, and again, I know the strikes caused everything to be condensed, but for the love of peat moss, focus on solving the Maddie case first and THEN try to solve the one-off case of the episodes. (Cut to James and Ice-T physically)
Ice-T:
Who says you can't have it both ways? You?
TLOTA:
This is not helping either the case of the day episodes or Maddie's case! The lack of focus is what hurts this season. (Cut to clips of "Law & Order: SVU" season 25 as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Especially when the chief's daughter becomes a victim in episode four of the season, the chief gets involved, which is something even the most idiotic cops wouldn't and shouldn't do; Olivia has no choice but to call IAB to keep Chief McGrath out of the way. The word gets back to the family, which leads to this moment! (Show the clip of the Chief's wife saying, "Are you gunning for Tommy's job?" Cut to James and Ice-T physically as James rubs his temples to deal with his headache.)
TLOTA:
Really? Tell me, Ice, did you or any of the writers think that worked? Out loud? You couldn't have; no one on the set could've thought it could. This poor girl's life is ruined by a rapist who was the neighbor's kid, but the bigger problem is how it will affect Chief McGrath's ability to have a job. (Slaps Table) This girl's life is totally destroyed, but the question on everyone's mind is... (Show the clip of the Chief's wife saying, "Are you gunning for Tommy's job?" Cut to James and Ice-T physically.) This girl will have to have therapy for the rest of her days with both parents worrying whether or not she will have a normal relationship, but the question on everyone's mind is... (Show the clip of the Chief's wife saying, "Are you gunning for Tommy's job?" Cut to James and Ice-T physically.) This girl will probably have issues with drugs and alcohol for the rest of her life, but the question on everyone's mind is... (Show the clip of the Chief's wife saying, "Are you gunning for Tommy's job?" Cut to James and Ice-T physically.) This girl will most likely wind up with problems when she gets to high school; if she graduates, it will be a miracle, but the question on everyone's mind is... (Show the clip of the Chief's wife saying, "Are you gunning for Tommy's job?" Cut to James and Ice-T physically.) This girl is now officially heading towards being a statistic on being a rape victim who will never, ever trust any male or female ever again, and can't even find some joy in any situation ever again..., BUT THE QUESTION ON EVERYONE'S MIND IS... (Show the clip of the Chief's wife saying, "Are you gunning for Tommy's job?" Cut to James and Ice-T physically as James hops around in a circle, biting down on a piece of wood as the line "Are you gunning for Tommy's job?".) YOU CAN NOT BE THIS STUPID ON PURPOSE! (Smacking the table while speaking) THIS SHOWS WHY PRESSING THE SOCIETAL SELF-DESTRUCT BUTTON MAKES THE SITUATION HARDER THAN IT IS, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO MAKING SURE THE POLICE CAN DO THEIR JOB WITHOUT ANY COMPLICATION! (Cut to the clip from "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" Season 10 clip in which Olivia asks Miranda Pond, "Are you out of your mind?" Cut to James and Ice-T physically)
Ice-T:
Did you just...?
TLOTA:
I HAVE YET TO EVEN MAKE MY POINT, ESPECIALLY SINCE I HAVE TO USE THIS CLIP TO ASK THE WRITERS THIS QUESTION! AND THIS CLIP COMES FROM AN ASSHOLE WHO THINKS RAPE JOKES ARE FUNNY, COVERED FOR A SEXUAL PREDATOR, AND THREW A WHOLE SITE FULL OF PEOPLE UNDER A BUS FOR JOLLIES. BUT IT'S THIS CLIP FROM "KICKASSIA" THAT'S GOING TO BE THE SALIENT CLIP WHEN IT COMES TO THE MINDFRAME OF EVERYONE WORKING ON THE SHOW (Cut to the clip of Linkara asking Angry Joe, "Are You High?" Cut to James and Ice-T physically) YOU SEE WHAT I HAD TO DO? I HAD TO USE A CLIP FROM AN ASSHOLE, WHOM I JUST SAID QUITE A BIT ABOUT WHICH IS JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG AS TO HOW BAD AN ASSHOLE HE TRULY IS, TO TRY AND MAKE A POINT! THAT IS HOW DUMB THAT MOMENT WAS ICE, THAT WAS HOW DUMB IT WAS! THIS POOR GIRL'S LIFE IS DESTROYED, TOTALLY UNSALVAGABLE. SHE IS NOW NOTHING BUT DAMAGED GOODS FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE, BUT THE QUESTION EVERYONE CARES ABOUT IS... Whether or not Chief McGrath will be able to, as lousy a job as he has been doing, keep... his... (Cut to James as an explosion of fire, molten lava, and a demonic voice come out of James as he roars the word "JOB!" for five seconds; it then cuts to James sitting down and catching himself.)
TLOTA:
Sorry, but I had to get it out of me! (Cut to the skeleton of Ice-T)
Ice-T:
I understand that things can get frustrating on a series like this, and the lack of scope can cause you to get angry, but you have to learn how to react better. (Cut to clips of "Law & Order: SVU" season 25 as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
While McGrath is done for the season and most likely the series, the SVU crew does get a shot in the arm in the form of Captain Curry, played by Aime Donna Kelly, and FBI agent Shannah Sikes, played by Jordana Spiro as the SVU, FINALLY, AFTER SO MUCH FRUSTRATION, FINDS NOT ONLY MADDIE, BUT HER NIHILISTIC KIDNAPPING MONSTER! Many a fan of the show had to quote this Christmas classic (which stars a thoroughly unlikeable asshole) when Maddie was returned home, and her monster was behind bars! (Show the "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" clip as Clark shouts, "HALLELUJAH! HOLY SHIT! Where's the Tylenol?"Cut to "Law & Order: SVU" season 25 clips as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
While Maddie's case is on the back burner, the season picks up as we check up with a victim from the past, Maria Recinos, who has decided to join the NYPD to celebrate and thank Olivia subtly for saving her life. Then, in an episode directed by Mariska, we get the moment I hoped would happen when Noah was old enough to understand the situation.
Ice-T (V.O.):
How old do you think he should've been?
TLOTA (V.O.):
Eighteen, but I digress; the moment fans knew it was coming, they were still shocked. (Show the clip of Noah saying he googled his mom, and two big names came up, William Lewis and John Drake! Cut to Olivia's shocked face as dramatic music sting is played. Cut to James and Ice-T physically as James pulls out an orchestra conductor's wand, and he prepares the orchestra as it cuts to a group of clips of people saying "Uh-Oh" from movies and TV shows. Cut to clips of "Law & Order: SVU" Season 25 as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
At the end of the episode, Olivia concedes to tell Noah about his past; I find it interesting that it took Maddie's case to start Noah on this path of self-discovery. Speaking of Maddie's case, eleven of the 12 angry people know the nihilistic bastard is guilty, but one female seems to have the hots for the guy... Okay. (Cut to James and Ice-T Physically)
TLOTA:
Time out; the eleven should've asked for an alternate by now. Someone who knew the case, who was there for the trial, saw the evidence, heard all the testimony, and then was willing to say, "Yes, this monster is guilty!" Now, yes, I know there wouldn't be an episode, but we need to end it! (Cut to clips of "Law & Order: SVU" season 25 as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Now, while the nihilist continues to torment Maddie and her family as the re-trial drags, by the end, everyone on the jury has gotten on the same page and finds the nihilist guilty! By episode eleven, we catch up with Amanda Rollins as she settles into parenthood with three kids and Carisi as her husband. However, she doesn't seem to enjoy being a professor and leaves. Why? Thanks to plot convenience, she is free to help with the episode's case, and I hope the door is still open for her to return to the series. (Cut to James and Ice-T Physically)
Ice-T:
It is
TLOTA:
Cool
(Cut to clips of "Law & Order: SVU" season 25 as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
After an episode that develops Shannah as it gets her closure to her pain. The Season ends with Carisi being forced to get an easy win on a case that gets Fin in the crosshairs of an angry kid of the suspect. Thankfully, the case is solved; however, Fin keeps the kid under his wing until his dad can come home, but Fin warns the kid to drop his attitude, or he'll wind up in a worse place, and Olivia decides to take a little extra time to help Maddie with her birthday. (Cut to James and Ice-T physically)
TLOTA:
If it were any other season and any other one of Dick Wolf's series, I would agree that this is an excellent finale to a season of one of the Chicago or FBI series, but this is the 25th Anniversary of a series that has lasted a lot longer than a lot of people that didn't like the show. This didn't feel like a celebration of the show or of Olivia Benson, but rather, it felt like someone trying to mock the show and laughing as it fell. (Cut to clips of "Law & Order: SVU" season 25 as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
That's not to say I didn't hate all of it. I liked the moment when Olivia tells Captain Curry and FBI Agent Sikes that she feels the job has had a reason for her being at SVU. As I have pointed out in the review, there are things I liked; it was just that this season has moments that drag it out. And yes, again, I know the SAG/AFTRA/WGA strikes didn't help. But also, the other two series under the "Law & Order" banner had to be reduced to that amount, and to get a complete fix of "Law & Order," I had to watch the original show and "Organized Crime" to have an entire season, even though different things were happening on those shows. Whether it was Jack McCoy finally retiring from the flagship show or dealing with Elliot's personal and professional woes (Things I can genuinely relate to.) and it's in "Organized Crime" that there was only one episode where Carisi guest stars, yet there's no other character from either series to help with how the series connects. If you are a fan of the entire franchise, this season should be a different celebration; hopefully, the upcoming new season will celebrate the series more appropriately, and if it makes it to season thirty, I will continue reviewing it. (Cut to James and Ice-T physically)
Ice-T:
So you are a fan!
TLOTA:
YES! As I have been pointing out the past few times, I have talked about the series and referenced it in my reviews. (The static cuts the feed briefly as it cuts to Allison Pregler.)
Allison Pregler:
Well, speaking of reviews, guess what? Next month is October; you know what that means. (Cut to James and Ice-T)
Ice-T:
I've got more episodes of SVU to work on.
TLOTA:
It was directed at me, which means that for me (James taps his watch as it cuts to James in his October/Halloween shirt, and Ice-T looks at the event as it happens), it's "Monster-tober" time. However, I am holding off on reviewing "Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire" for next year.
Ice-T:
"Monster-tober"?
TLOTA:
My workload for the next month. (Cut to Allison Pregler)
Allison Pregler:
Trust me, Phelan is doing his own thing and not out for you this year, but that doesn't mean I will not let you off scott-free! What happens when a 1990s fad meets the legendary Mary Shelly legend and is directed by Robin Williams' daughter. (Cut to James and Ice-T)
TLOTA:
Oh, god, no! (Cut to Allison Pregler)
Allison Pregler:
Oh god, yes! James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, will be reviewing for Monster-tober "Lisa Frankenstein"! Enjoy the madness! (Cut to James and Ice-T)
TLOTA:
Pop a cap in me, Please!
Ice-T:
You're on your own! See ya, player! (Ice-T walks off)
TLOTA:
You can't expect me to just... I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and that's my opinion! (Audio only as James walks away) Come on, get me out of this!
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