(Scene begins with James having a chair to sit down to and a camera to talk to.)
TLOTA:
I am James, The Last of the Americans, and here we go with round two; from what I’ve seen, there are no two ways around it. It’s a fan-made rehash of something better! (Cut to the title card of “The Day of the Hero,” then to clips of “The Day of the Hero” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
I think this is one time I will give everyone involved Tsouris! Even though, from what I’ve heard, the head writer was racking his brains, and everyone else just followed along. This feels like recycled material, like how Disney’s Star Wars movies have been. But is there anything exciting or entertaining? (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Let’s get into it. This is “The Day Of The Hero.” (Cut to “The Day of the Hero” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
As the adventure begins, we find our heroes as they wake up in a Schmuck’s Office building when it’s revealed that they’re not in Shitcago! They’re in a multi-room container being helicoptered to a bare acre in Nevada. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Wait, what can be in an acre of Nevada?! Oh no! (The camera Zooms onto James’ scared face) OH NO! (Cut to the clip of Kevin Baugh and Mara Wilson welcoming everyone to Molossia with a dramatic music sting. Cut to James as he runs around screaming in fear. Cut to “The Day of the Hero” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Actually, they’re not there to be slaughtered by these two though they ought to be. Miss Wilson acts as a diplomat between this Molossia place and the US and as the handler of those guys. And here we realize that Lea Michele, Chris Colfer, and Naya Rivera from “GLEE” are with these guys, and the backstory of why James is with Lea Michele and not with Emmalina. Apparently, after that whole Caliverti adventure, James was going to quit the Internet Reviewer business, get a life and start a family with Emmalina, that is until Emmalina suffered from Lifetime/Hallmark Network Movie cliché number 428: Love interest falls ill and is taken away from the other half by conditions beyond both interests' controls. As Emmalina became a mermaid again and left James with a broken heart. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
So that everyone knows, James’ backstory is that he’s a broken man with a broken heart and a broken life, and that’s why he’s an internet reviewer. Can we agree that James is dumb as dog shit, and his backstory makes him a sad and tragic figure that sacrificed something he wasn’t going to get any time soon, and knowing him, he never will! (Cut to “The Day of the Hero” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
And from here, we go into “Day Of The Doctor” territory as instead of it being Gallifrey’s last day, it’s Caliverti’s, and we see from the very indelible chin, we got our “War Doctor” in the form of Hero played by of all people Bruce “Fothermucking” Campbell! We soon encounter a group of Generals trying to save the continent as we discover Hero having taken a device that would vaporize Caliverti off the map. However, Oy gevalt, I can’t believe this; even if I wrote this, the spirit of the device takes the form of Ma-Ti, and then, just to hammer in that the writer toked up enough Pineapple Express, the people back in the present studying the art at Baugh’s Vault discover a painting that has a friend who made a bad joke that eventually set off a chain reaction and destroyed his career, back in the past with Mary, Queen of Scots. Apparently, an associate of his, Dr. Insano, created something that can duplicate people and spit poison from his system. Back at Baugh’s Vault, A portal opens, and James takes some of the schmucks with him right from the get-go; the chemistry between James and the one who went back, let’s call him “Spoony” for the sake of levity, is mainly antagonistic. (Show clips of James calling out “Spoony” for all he had done wrong. Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Yep, just keep hammering on the guy who is now an emotional cripple and basically powerless; that makes you the better man; what an asshole! (Cut to “The Day of the Hero” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
However, amid this, Hero pops in through the same temporal portal, just at the same time Queen Mary’s guards surround “Our heroes.” Those left behind now go to something called “The X Vault” to find a way to go back and rescue the others, and wouldn’t “Day Of The Doctor” timing work out than to have two of Insano’s creations replace Baugh and Mara Wilson. While that happens, The Blockbuster Buster gets a message from his A.I., informing us that Insano’s creatures have infiltrated Baugh’s micronation. Meanwhile, that James guy decides to give us a backstory on Hero. In contrast, the others try to kill time or find a way out. Back with the rest of those left behind and two of Insano’s creatures, they find something called a Time-Space Manipulator, and the dapper fellow named Chris calls James out for his political leanings. But there are more pressing matters as Insano’s creatures come crawling out of the woodwork! AND AGAIN, GOING ON WITH THE “DAY OF THE DOCTOR” PACING, Lea and some of those left behind make it to Scotland in 1560. With more of Insano’s technology and creature technobabble, AGAIN WITH “DAY OF THE DOCTOR” references or moments straight up lifted from it, Spoony marries Mary of Scots, everyone gets into the X-Vault, A treaty is set up for those creatures from Insano. It looks like Hero is about to wipe Caliverti off the map when James comes up with, or should I say, RIP OFF THE ENDING OF “The Day Of The Doctor”! (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Okay, seriously, what is up with all these references and moments ripping off “The Day Of The Doctor”!?! Don’t get me wrong, it’s fantastic, but doing an injustice like this is insulting! (Cut to clips of “The Day of the Hero” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
So that was a poor internet version of “The Day Of The Doctor,” Uh yeah, basically that! I don’t know how someone came up with that; if anything, I think the writer was trying to do too much and burned himself out trying to come up with something as good as everyone else was doing. No matter how you slice it, this was the worst, even worse than the 1998 re-take of “Psycho.” (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
But who knows, maybe in a few months, the writer will be reenergized to develop something better, and I hope I’m right about this! (Cut to black.)
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