(Scene begins with a gem blasting a bright light as it cuts to a guy in a long-sleeved shirt with the American Flag discovering where he was. He then walks in the area and finally finds a chair to sit down to and a camera to talk to.)
TLOTA:
Okay, so I go by the name of James, but with this flag, I am an American. So, I do not know what is going on right now. All I am hearing is this phrase “The Last Of The Americans” along with James. So maybe I am James, The Last Of The Americans. Well, whoever it is I am, I have something to talk about to all of you. Let’s check out what it is. (Cut to a title card of an adventure event and to James smiling and then it cuts to an internet production site that everyone agrees is evil incarnate, cut to James as he grumbles. Cut to the title card of “The Mighty Crusade” and then clips of the adventure event as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
HOO-BOY! Are we in for a car wreck on this one! It has an Internet Production Group that has been seen as discredited and unreliable, effects that would probably equal The Asylums in terms of nickel and dime crap, A story that piggybacks off a trilogy that has since become unwatchable, and some scenes that make all the Sex Scenes in “The Room” look more kid-friendly! (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Let’s not waste any time, well there’s no time here; it feels like I just sat down, or I might’ve been sitting down for hours; you know what, screw it, this is “The Mighty Crusade” (Cut to “The Mighty Crusade” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Okay we start off with Government Agents surrounding someone calling himself “The Last Of The Americans” AND RIGHT OFF THE BAT, You are either laughing your ass off or you’re looking and hoping the Government Agents that have left everyone else in James’ life for dead, is going to turn him into Hannibal Lecter’s Swiss Cheese delight, even though this “Last Of The Americans” guy is Italian American, from what I’ve heard when we see that it was all a scene set up for a review of sorts. Not long after wrapping for the day, “The Last Of The Americans” and his friend “Rowdy” discover something significant, nasty and looking to consume the Earth! After a knock at President Obama’s abilities to handle a crisis of Apocalyptic proportions, A specific message from a certain someone makes it to James. (Show the clip of the broken message about “The Hole” and James trying to figure out how to make the message clearer. Cut to James.)
TLOTA:
And if you didn’t know, then let “Rowdy” clear up the message the numb nutted S.O.B. tried to send. (Show the clip of Rowdy as he puts 2 & 2 together and the rest of the opening of “The Mighty Crusade” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
So Apparently, THIS is a plot hole, and it has come to destroy the planet. “The Last Of The Americans” looks at the situation and decides to run for shelter! AS IF THAT WOULD STOP THE DESTRUCTION OF THE PLANET?! No, he apparently has possession of The Ring of Aeon, The Gem from the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, An Amulet, and A Sword that looks like a mix of Excaliber, Prince Adam’s “He-Man” sword from the 2002 “Masters Of The Universe” Animated series, A Galaxy Saber from “Power Rangers Lost Galaxy” And THE FRIGGIN’ SWORD OF OMENS FROM “THUNDERCATS”! Anyway, As some schmuck from Chicago prepares to sacrifice himself to the hole, James is about to take the hole on head-on! (Cut to James.)
TLOTA:
And yes, it does sound that way but trust me it isn’t! (Cut to “The Mighty Crusade” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
As Schmuck disintegrates, James makes either a prayer or a plea for help. (Show “The Last Of The Americans” as he begs “Emmalina” for help. Cut to James)
TLOTA (Sounding like Schwarzenegger):
And if you will not help me, THEN TO HELL WITH YOU! (Cut to “The Mighty Crusade” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
But apparently, this “Emmalina” is powerful enough to send James the help he needs to push the hole away from Earth. After a bit, this “Last Of The Americans” guy will regret when his father dies. “Rowdy” then starts to ask the smart questions, for example, “WHAT IN THE SAM HILL IS GOING ON?!” and “The Last Of The Americans’” reply is... “It’s only the beginning!” (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
OH GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODIE! (Cut to “The Mighty Crusade” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
We soon cut to what might be months or a year after the “Hole” event as apparently, that guy survived his “Noble Sacrifice” but he feels like he was in a bad Internet sitcom and his professional reputation took a whopper of a hit. So much so, he begs some of the people he would eventually discard, and one day they would tell the truth about what an asshole he is, and most of them pretty much tell him to take a F’ing hike! We soon find ourselves at a coffee café where we see someone in black and stuck serving coffee, where apparently James has come to set the dude free! (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Uh, if he is who I think he is, then I must ask the obvious question. ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR GOD DAMNED MIND?! IF HE IS WHO I THINK HE IS, HE GETS THAT GEM YOU HAVE, AND CONSIDER THIS WORLD, KAPUT! Oy Gevalt! (Cut to “The Mighty Crusade” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
However, things get crazy as Ma-Ti returns to tell them that the “Dawn Of A New Day” has arrived. Film Brain awakens to this bit of (Show “SYMBOLISM” Shout echoing. Cut to James)
TLOTA:
It was so loud even I heard it from where I am, and I have no god damned idea where or when I am! (Cut to “The Mighty Crusade” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
So, if you can wrap your head around what I’m about to tell you, you might be clinically insane! Film Brain tells Linkara, and that guy to find something called “Dawn Of A New Day” which is in New York and is a boat! But regardless of that, every one of those who survived the first three events is brought in and unfortunately, they also bring in The Blockbuster Buster and The Angry Video Game Nerd, even Pollo joins them and somehow, I feel sorry for those guys as they board the ship. However, things go south quickly as we discover Phelous and Todd In The Shadows has some beef. I think it has to do with the redhead, maybe, and just as a sense of balance seems to be getting achieved, the boat shoves off! (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
And they all died! The End! (Cut to “The Mighty Crusade” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
No, Rowdy reveals himself, as does the guy in black, and apparently, the anger is so powerful that they don’t think twice! They just want to straight up kill him! However, our “HERO” stops every attack. (Show clip of James as he introduces himself as “James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans,” and everyone except for Rowdy and The Man in Black laugh, cut to James)
TLOTA:
Yeah, what in the hell is wrong with you? “James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans”?! Last time I checked there was a whole country of Americans. But what do I know? (Cut to “The Mighty Crusade” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Phelous tries to kick James’ ass and get the ship back to dry land however James drops him like a bad habit and then goes after Nella who went dark again, and James then gives his backstory leading to this moment! (Show James’ backstory. Cut to James Physically)
TLOTA:
So let me see if I got this right, this girl hated him, then he proceeded to just give up on humanity. Sounds right for an origin of an internet reviewer (Cut to “The Mighty Crusade” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
So dig this, this guy now needs everyone’s help; while one wants nothing to do with the adventure, his girlfriend makes him do it; we then meet the villain of this piece as uses magic to send a storm through the space time continuum to land on “Our Heroes.” After a quick Tarantino piece and a moment in which James tells the schmuck that maybe things will turn out fine. We have a training montage, and we get the man in black’s backstory. (Cut to Malachite’s backstory. Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Okay, you’re getting one final Backstory card, but that’s it! Don’t waste it on someone else, like I don’t know, the schmuck! (Cut to “The Mighty Crusade” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Enough backstory for now; we must deal with a storm that would give Noah some real nightmares! I mean it, the weather becomes so rough, it doesn’t just toss the boat; it plays PING-PONG with it! At one point an anchor line is caught in between the gears. Leaving our hero to help the others as the weather starts to pummel the guy into a hamburger. Even worse for James? HE’S STRUCK BY LIGHTNING! Of course, thanks to the power of the amulet he’s wearing, it reflects the lightning and destroys the storm, and James hits the water screaming for his life! (Cut to James physically as there is a gunshot.)
TLOTA:
And scientific believability just went and put himself to pasture! (Cut to “The Mighty Crusade” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
James quickly sinks to the bottom of the ocean and as he slowly dies someone reaches out to grab him and we soon discover that well... It’s a mermaid! I’m not kidding; it is a real mermaid! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?!!? WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.... (Static breaks the review momentarily as we see a still frame of James smiling and drooling in a nut house with the words “Technical difficulties Please Stand by!” around the still frame, and soft muzak plays in the foreground. Static breaks to see James physically)
TLOTA:
Okay, Dude, if this mermaid has a backstory, I will... (Cut to the backstory of the mermaid, cut to James physically) Just sit here and take my lumps! (Cut to “The Mighty Crusade” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
So now it’s off to the Bermuda Triangle, wait what now? Oh, and apparently, now is the time to tell everyone that this is now a one-way trip! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Smooth move there, pooper helper! (Cut to “The Mighty Crusade” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Feeling unsure of himself, James decides to take a chance on expressing his emotions towards the mermaid... OKAY her name is Emmalina, and she is the Deus Ex Machina of the entire event! And James decides to fall in love with the Deus Ex Machina and even though he is fully dressed, and Emmalina is seafood south of the Mason Dixon line and at no point does James unzip his pants nor does the guy in black come in to watch with a bucket of popcorn. It is apparent that this is the most disturbing sex scene since “THE ROOM”! The next morning, things go south as our heroes make their way to their destination, Emmalina’s tank is empty! Feeling nothing but pain, James SHATTERS THE TANK! Ten minutes later, he’s annoying this Chick girl, and even though she seems to be giving him a sympathetic ear to traverse through his inner turmoil, you can look in her eyes as if she wants to say to him,” Please die, male scum! I mean it, just drop fucking Dead so we can serve your corpse to the sharks and then toss your little Richard Dreyfuss-looking partner with you!” Finally letting her and Emmalina go, James thinks he’s going into this event knowing he’ll die fighting when or something close to reality. Emmalina is alive and a human again! Okay, after seeing what we just saw, anything stupid is possible! After that, I SWEAR TO GOD, DEAD SERIOUS! A PORTAL OPENS UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN, AND AFTER A “DOCTOR WHO” PORTAL TOSSES THEIR BOAT INTO THE SKY AND THEY CRASH LAND ON AN ISLAND! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Where they all died! Thank God! (Cut to “The Mighty Crusade” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
No, they survive, and their savior may as well be Mike Matei! It’s The Irate Gamer! They handle this fact with the Aplomb known for Internet Reviewers! Well, thankfully they don’t have long to bemoan his appearance as The Last Angry Geek does his best Goony Bird landing impression. As everyone tries to salvage what they can from the wreckage, they soon meet up with a group of rebels. After a brief battle, we soon come face to face with the villain in this piece whose name is hard to pronounce, regardless, the dude tells the blacksmiths to improve something to make it function perfectly as we cut from one fire, to another as we see those who are the rest of the rebels. Taking stock of how to handle the situation, James decides to head on out to take his sword and make it more powerful! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Dude, your sword was able to take out a gigantic hole in the Space-time continuum, it’s safe to say it’s powerful enough. (Cut to “The Mighty Crusade” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
As everyone else prepares for the fight, Film Brain decides to go ahead and face the bad guy on his own. However, The Schmuck and The Nerd decide to join him on his quest while James is joined by Emmalina and the guy in black on his quest. And it is here we see the less creative side of the writer as James’ quest is a mix of the season premiere of “Hercules: The Legend Continues” which introduced Dahak into that series and of course “Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade” while Film Brain, The Nerd and that other guy confront the bad guy the same way Iron Man comes face to face with Loki in “Marvel’s The Avengers.” And soon enough, Linkara’s spaceship comes with reinforcements for our heroes in armor for the Internet reviewers and weapons for everyone else. Meanwhile, James discovers something isn’t kosher with who he’s with and it just so happens to be Emmalina. Emmalina had apparently been captured by someone called Malicia and after disappearing James hands the man in black the sword to supercharge it and return him to normal. The timing is perfect as the others are at the battlefield ready to fight, and James and his associate have come ready to fight as well. And thus, we now begin the final battle. James and his associate ride in to rescue Emmalina while the others do the hard work. Especially when Rowdy gets into a foaming fury as he takes “I will beat a Motherfucker with another Motherfucker” TO A WHOLE OTHER LEVEL, as that happens James and his associate face the darkness and quickly thwart that!
Meanwhile, our villain decides to unleash a weapon so unstable it would wipe the island off the map! What to do? Take it apart piece by piece and toss it in the ocean! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Like that's supposed to work! (Cut to “The Mighty Crusade” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Meanwhile James, Emmalina, and the other guy hold their own until James gets his ass kicked and in the cheapest cop-out, the schmuck decides to become the Highlander and chop the bad guy’s head off! And with that our heroes, James and the woman he loves disappear back to our time! (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
And that was “The Mighty Crusade”; it was a slog to get through! (Cut to “The Mighty Crusade” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
I could’ve flushed a hundred dollars down the toilet, and it would’ve been no different. The acting was stilted, the effects were horrendous, and the writing is half-assed and boring as all get out! I’m just glad that this was it and there was nothing more. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
RIGHT?! (Show clips from the other two “Last of the Americans” adventures. Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Fuck Me! (Cut to black.)
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