Monday, September 19, 2016

The Top 10 movies I want to see MST3K riff.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then cutting to The Last Of The Americans)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. (Cut to clips of MST3K as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): If you are an internet reviewer like me you MUST have seen Mystery Science Theater 3000. Their ability to riff on bad movies is incredible and since it has been announced that the Satellite Of Love next go around is being streamed on Netflix after a successful Crowdfunding campaign, I wish the new host and the bots a lot of luck because it'll be needed for it to succeed in a world filled of characters that riff on movies for lunch it'll have to take down some pretty big turkeys and if they do succeed you know there'll be another season. I've already talked about the movie with The Nostalgia Kid and Rowdy and The Nostalgia Kid already said all that can be said about MST3K both positively and negatively so there's nothing I can add. (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA: Except maybe list 10 movies I want to see them if the show continues. Now some of them I've reviewed already, Some I WILL review eventually and some I won't . This is the Top 10 movies I want them to see get riffed! (Cut to the entryway to the MST3K theater as the instrumental of the theme plays in the background as the final door opens we see the MST3K moon as it rotates to the logo and it pauses as the words "The Top ten movies James wants" on the top and the words "To Riff on" before cutting to the still of the MST3K logo as the number 10 is seen and James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number ten

10) The 3 Tails.

TLOTA (Voiceover): I'll go into better detail when I review this. But I will say this positive about it. They put effort into what they were doing. They had a message they wanted to say. But HO BOY! This movie is a turkey that needs professional riffing. This movie is really right up in their wheel house!

(Cut to the still of the MST3K logo as the number 9 is seen and James does a voiceover.)



TLOTA (Voiceover): Number nine

9) KICKASSIA!

TLOTA (Voiceover): I know! I know! I reviewed this one a while back and have since found it entertaining. I want to see something of one of us did get recognition! Even if it's simply getting riffed by the professionals. Who knows? This might lead to more recognition of who we are and what we do and let Hollywood know we can do what they can and possibly better than they can!


(Cut to the still of the MST3K logo as the number 8 is seen and James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 8

8) Dagon

TLOTA (Voiceover): Hoo boy this is something that needs to be riffed because it is so freaking insane. So insane I can't review it.  This movie needs to be riffed until the sun sets. This has some serious crazy on levels too disturbing for me to go near with a 75 ft. Pole! So Kinga Forrester please send this movie to the gang. Who knows you might just get what your dad and Grandma didn't. The total breaking of those trapped on the Satellite of Love

(Cut to the still of the MST3K logo as the number 7 is seen and James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number seven

7) Rhinestone

TLOTA: Call me a Cuckoo Sadist but I think if I review this I may just snap. But I am willing to let the professionals on the Satellite Of Love take this one on! Poor Walter Banasiak, he had no option than to put this one on the top of Sylvester Stallone's WORST performances. I wonder how the gang on board The Satellite Of Love will take it.  



(Cut to the still of the MST3K logo as the number 6 is seen and James does a voiceover.)


TLOTA (Voiceover): Number six

6) Caligula

TLOTA (Voiceover): I've Seen The Cinema Snob's review. I'm not going anywhere NEAR it. But who knows maybe it might be good for a chuckle or two to see how grossed out everyone on the Satellite Of Love can get especially when it has to deal with where they can stick flowers and trust me YOWZA! Tom Servo, Crow, Jonah I will wish you luck if you have to do this one!

(Cut to the still of the MST3K logo as the number 5 is seen and James does a voiceover.)


TLOTA (Voiceover): Number five



5) Mirrors and or Mirrors 2

TLOTA (Voiceover): These two I won't review for my own reasons but I will hope the gang on the Satellite Of Love will give it the full MST3K treatment these movies deserve! Because these two horror movies are so disturbing and corny this deserves the gang from the Satellite Of Love tearing it down to a sub atomic level!

(Cut to the still of the MST3K logo as the number 4 is seen and James does a voiceover.)


TLOTA (Voiceover): Number four

4) The Room

TLOTA (Voiceover): While yes The Nostalgia Critic has gone to town on it AND so has Rifftrax  & Cinemasins I feel, me personally, that Tom Servo, Crow and Jonah need to take it to town and just have their way with it. Just make Tommy Wiseau suffer the slings and arrows of what real sane people think of his "Cinematic Masterpiece"!

(Cut to the still of the MST3K logo as the number 3 is seen and James does a voiceover.)


TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Three

3) ANYTHING from Uwe Boll

TLOTA (Voiceover): I mean it anything to give that sour Sauerkraut his comeuppance, I WELCOME IT! While I will never review ANYTHING by Boll. I will enjoy the gang on the Satellite Of Love taking this wiener schnitzel and his schlock to town! 

(Cut to the still of the MST3K logo as the number 2 is seen and James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 2

2) The Sharknado movies!

TLOTA: No reviews necessary on my part but Ho Boy watching Jonah and the bots take this never ending library of Sharknado movies will be so worth the time seeing them mock how bad these movies just keep getting dumber and dumber and just so damned corny! They deserve to be riffed.

(Cut to the still of the MST3K logo as the number 1 is seen and James does a voiceover.)


TLOTA (Voiceover): And THE Number one movie I want to see Mystery Science Theater 3000 riff is...

1) Fishtales!

TLOTA (Voiceover): I HAD TO PUT THIS ONE UP HERE AT THE NUMBER ONE SPOT I HAD TO! THIS MOVIE IS SO INCREDIBLY BAD IT NEEDS TO BE TORN BY US INTERNET REVIEWERS AND RIFFED BY THOSE ON-BOARD THE SATELLITE OF LOVE! IT IS UP THERE WITH THE ROOM, FOODFIGHT, BIRDEMIC AND SO MANY OF THE MOVIES I PUT ON THIS LIST BUT TRUST ME WHEN I SAY I HOPE JONAH & THE BOTS GIVE THIS MOVIE THE RIFFING IT NEEDS BECAUSE AYE CARUMBA IT HAS TO BE DONE! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And those are the ten movies I want to see those on the Satellite Of Love riff. (Cut to clips of movies as they're being riffed on MST3K as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But please bear this in mind, this list is for the next season IF the series is a success and to be honest I know there will be a second season. Why? Because it is our ultimate fantasy. To be able to talk during the movie and tear it a new one as we watch. And let me say this right now, We owe everything to a couple of guys who decided to take bad movies to town and made it funny and our gratitude will never end for Joel, Mike, Crow, Gypsy, Cambot and Tom Servo. Thank you guys for giving us the inspiration to do what we do best. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That's My Opinion!

Monday, September 12, 2016

Behind The Scenes & Bloopers: Jem & The Holograms

(Scene starts in The main lobby at James' office as everyone is prepping to shoot as James is looking on his Mini Tablet.)

Eric Kurtzke (Audio only): So James, what are you checking out?

James Faraci: I just saw something that made feel several mental synapsis just explode.

Eliza Dushku (Off-Camera): What is it?

James Faraci: It's one of your old Co-Stars from "Bring it on" doing a cover of "Turning Japanese" Kirsten Dunst I think is the one? (Eliza walks into the frame)

Eliza Dushku: Well she did say she was thinking about recording some music, this ought to be something wicked good. (Cut to a black background with the following in white text "Day one of filming was scrapped due to sever temporary mental loss!"  before cutting to James walking out of his ride as the instrumental to "Combine Harvester" by The Wurtzels play in the background.)

James Faraci (Audio only): So yesterday I ROYALLY FUCKED UP and because of that we lost an entire friggin' day of filming. So we're going to have to double up on everything. We're going to be filming the Pick Up Intro, Pick Up Outro, ALL of Traci's work as Synergy and ALL of the Pick Up Scenes. Tomorrow I'm shooting the bulk of the review leaving me NO time whatsoever for mistakes. Any bloopers that'll happen will probably happen naturally, so let's do it! (Cut to the outside of the Green Screen room where Olivia Horvath is setting up her Make-up Equipment.)

James Faraci (Audio only): So Olivia, we have everything set up, the Costume, Wig and Headband courtesy of Traci Hines and the make-up combination true to the animated series character of Synergy.

Olivia Horvath: Well it was hard but Renee and Traci helped me find the rest of the colors that I needed and I got the specialty contact lenses. But that of course will be AFTER you film the finale in which Traci demolishes the DVD, right?

James Faraci (Audio only): Actually I got two copies of the movie. One was completely unwatchable and the other one played fine but it was a pile of shit so both copies are going to get what I call The "Nostalgia Critic Neverending Story 3" ending combined with The Blockbuster Buster's "Dungeons & Dragons" ending.

Olivia Horvath: What does both of those endings entail?

James Faraci (Audio only): It involves destroying the movie. While The Nostalgia Critic went to town on The Neverending Story 3 and getting very disturbing, and in The Blockbuster Buster's "Dungeons & Dragons" review it involves the character of Nerdlinger... You know what in fact let me pull both of them up on my Mini Tablet so you know what I'm trying to say. (Cut to James piling up a pile of cinderblocks so it'd work perfectly with both James and Traci and John Santos films.)

John Santos (Audio only): So I'm filming James and Traci's mental breakdown in which she takes out her anger on these two discs with this mallet to look like a smaller version of Thor's Hammer courtesy of our resident prop master Nick Yaun in which it looks like James is about to demolish them when Traci grabs the thing and just demolishes it and Traci, you look like you have some trepidations towards the scene.

Traci Hines: Well, to tell the truth, I wasn't angry I didn't get into the movie or the video I did with my friends didn't get to be a part of it.

James Faraci (Audio only from a distance): Well, the way I wrote it is that you're upset as a fan of the show.

Traci Hines: Right (Camera pans over to James)

James Faraci: So this is A Cathartic Release of energy demolishing the damned thing.

Traci Hines (Audio only from a distance): Oh, I get it. This is me just destroying it in the name of the actual series. (Traci walks into frame)

Traci Hines: So when I scream "I'm raping the movie!" it's me that is the fan of the series just giving it the anger of it not being like the series I grew up watching.

James Faraci: Pretty much. (Cut to James holding the camera pointed onto the wall)

James Faraci (Audio only): Okay everyone, Quiet please! And Action! (James laughs insanely as he nearly drops the camera as he pans down the sign.) We'll work that out in post. (Cut to the camera looking at James.)

John Santos (Audio only): So we're ready?

James Faraci: As ready as we'll ever be. AND Action. What the...?

Traci Hines (Audio only): SCUM SUCKING GARBAGE GOBLING WHORE!  (Traci begins to use the weapon when five slams in the head of the hammer is knocked off and James groans and says "Cut" before cutting to James getting strapped down)

Paulo Fonseca (Audio only): So I'm about to learn more about the romantic exploits between my sister and brother in law than I ever wanted to know. So Nick, you and my sister are about to be shown in possibly the most disturbing light ever. (Nick chuckles as he reads his lines to himself.)

Nick Yaun: Trust me James' fantasies about me and Rebecca are so far off base even I can't come up with a word to describe how his thoughts about what happens between me and Rebecca in the bedroom. (Cut to James getting strapped down and sitting down and everyone saying their lines and Eliza drops the key in her shirt and she gasps in shock and James shouts Cut! before cutting to James taking care of Eliza Dushku)

Eric Kurtzke (Audio only): So what the hell happened?

James Faraci: Well someone put the prop key into the freezer and I know I didn't do it because I let someone know when I'm gonna prank them 24 hours in advance so they can prepare for ANYTHING but this has another person's signature and usually if it's so on the fly it has to be either you, John or Mike because Paulo, Rebecca, Renee or Nick gives twelve hour notice Eliza or Traci would give us an hour's warning. (Cut to another take in which Eliza Dushku drops the key into her shirt and as she adjusts her shirt and says "Honk! Honk!" and everyone laughs uncontrollably before cutting to Traci as she screams and shouts before she starts laughing uncontrollably and James says Cut before cutting to Traci says her lines and accidentally smacking James in the face and everyone laughs behind the camera as James says cut before cutting to see Traci's smack having a bit of an effect.)

James Faraci: Minor Nose Bleed hadn't had one in a few years but it happens when you get smacked hard.

Traci Hines: I think I broke something on your nose. (Cut to James as he gets strapped down and film the review and everyone walks away as Nick says "Let's take a break after we tie him up" and everyone walks away leaving James tied up.)

James Faraci: Funny guys! Very funny! Hey I know I cost us a day's filming but this isn't the way to get back at me! Guys! Guys! GUYS! (James sighs) I brought this upon myself.

Monday, September 5, 2016

Jim vs "Jem"

(Scene starts with James working around the studio as he whistles “Combine Harvester” by The Wurtzels and as he takes a five-minute break he turns on the TV only to be surprised by the appearance of Synergy played by Traci Hines.)

TLOTA: What the…? Synergy?! (Cut to Synergy)

Synergy: That is correct James and I am in need of your assistance. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: What do you need me to do? (Cut to Synergy)

Synergy: I need you to review something for me. It should be on the coffee table in a package left from your party in mid-July of this year. (James opens the package and his face shows a look of total abject fear before cutting to A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Robo Knight Robo Morpher and punching in the code 428 from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Long sleeve Tee-Shirt with the American flag design on it, Blue cargo Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2015 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James landing on Linkara, to James getting his nards smashed, To Josie & The Pussycats running into James’ office, to James and Paulo dressed as the Mario Brothers on a snow sled, to Everyone at team TLOTA running out of James’ office, to James leading the charge against the Cullens and the vampires of The Twilight Saga, to Rowdy turning his head to Paulo with a demented smile on his face as everyone save for James looks scared as James has his right hand with defeat on his face until the 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver towards the Power Rangers then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Rowdy, Paulo Fonseca, John Santos, Eliza Dushku & Eric Kurtzke on his right and The Nostalgia Kid, Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Traci Hines, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James heavily strapped down in different ways and James struggling to escape.)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and The Views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. (James grunts and tries to get out of the chair) Yeah I’m in trouble. Possibly one of if not THE worst movie of 2015. HIT IT! (Music from the movie plays as it shows the Opening Credit to “Jem & The Holograms” before clips play as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): This movie has become a viable credibility for defense attorneys to allow rapists and murderers to get away with their crimes SCOTT-FREE! And in the deepest parts of Southeast Asia it has become the Number one method of torture for warlords, war profiteers and terrorists to force people to join them in their fight to destroy all of humanity! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Yeah people, THAT BAD! And as far as I was concerned from last year I had NO plans on reviewing it, no plans of even thinking about reviewing it, HELL I KNEW THIS MOVIE WAS GONNA CRASH LIKE THE HINDENBERG! But for those who need a quick Crash course on the source material. GUYS! (Cut to Eric Kurtzke, John Ross Santos & Renee Miller in schoolroom as stock music from an old School Educational film reel plays in the background.)

John Santos: Created by Christy Marx who I’m certain is in no way any relative to the Marx Brothers, the classic series was originally meant to sell dolls.

Renee Miller: But Christy put effort into the story and characters. Mixing Action, adventure, comedy and drama with music the series lasted 65 Episodes spanning three seasons and repeats for several years. Making it beloved by both men and to women!

Eric Kurtzke: So it was so easy to make this movie properly. RIIIIGHT? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Well, seeing as how this IS one of the worst movies ever made Special precautions have been taken to prevent me from causing a fifty state manslaughter. Want to know? (Camera pans back to see Paulo Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun & Eliza Dushku behind James)

Paulo, Rebecca & Eliza (In Unison): We’ll tell you!

Paulo Fonseca: You may see that I have half a roll of Duct Tape the first half is around James’ wrists.

Rebecca Yaun: And I personally contributed…

Nick Yaun (Audio only): Honey, I can’t find the handcuffs or straps we used last night when I was a bad boy am I going to be one tonight if I can’t find them?

TLOTA (Audio only): Kinky!

Rebecca Yaun: What? I cleaned them before bringing them in for the review. MOVING ON!

Eliza Dushku: Oh… um Yeah this is the key to the weapons vault. (Eliza drops the key in her shirt.) And this is where James can’t get it. (Cut to James’ desk as Traci and Mike as they pop up at the top of the table.)

Traci Hines: And me and Mike spot welded the daylights out of James’ chair to the floor.

Mike Santos: I did most of the work, I had to beg for her help. What were you doing in the Green Screen Room?

Traci Hines: Trying out costumes for a Halloween Party I was planning on throwing on the 31st of October.

TLOTA (Audio only): Where?

Traci Hines: Here? I sent a request form and I have a duplicate in case you haven’t seen it yet. (Cut to Traci’s Hand and the Blue Manicured fingernails on it as James sees the request.)

TLOTA: Oh yeah, I think I’ll check it after the review. But let’s not waste any more time this is “Jem & The Holograms” (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (voiceover): Something you’ll notice right away is that there is A DECATON of clips from Internet videos submitted specifically FOR this movie by fans and…. WAIT A MINUTE! Rob Scallion?! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: ORAC! Patch The Nostalgia Critic into the feed! (Static breaks before cutting to The Nostalgia Critic)

The Nostalgia Critic: Hmm, Stephen King’s “The Stand” for Nostalgia-Ween that is a possibility. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: CRITIC! (Cut to Nostalgia Critic who reacts with a Jump shriek)

Nostalgia Critic: Oh Hai James Faraci The Last Of The Americans! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Is Tamera around? (Cut to the Nostalgia Critic as Tamera Chambers walks into frame)

Tamera: Present! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Did you know your boyfriend was in a video they used in “Jem & The Holograms” (Cut to the Nostalgia Critic and Tamera)

Tamera: Well I found out when we were working on the review for it. We made him suffer when we reviewed “Alvin & The Chipmunks”

Nostalgia Critic: Uh excuse me I don’t mean to interrupt actually I do but James what’s up with the straps and chains, you reviewing “50 Shades Of Grey”? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: I wish! I’m reviewing “Jem & The Holograms”. (Cut to the Nostalgia Critic)

Nostalgia Critic: I’ll pray for you. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA: We’re soon introduced to Jerrica Benson played by Aubrey Peeples as she and her sister Kimber played by Stefanie Scott have been placed under the care of their Aunt played by Molly Ringwald and her adoptive daughters because Jerrica and Kimber’s parents died from Plot Convenience No. 428: Never really explained, just they’re dead, that’s it and they cut to present day where the Aunt is in trouble financially and Jerrica who makes video blogs and disguises herself with a wig and makes videos with her own songs then deletes them because she thinks she sucks. (Cut to James and Traci)

Traci Hines: Well as someone who dresses up as characters for her music videos I can say she doesn’t look as bad.

TLOTA: And I’ve seen them. Wait a second, hold up Traci, what’s up with the blue wig and headband combo? You didn’t have that on before while you were welding the chair to the floor.

Traci Hines: Again, looking for a costume, hosting a Halloween party, October 31st, you and everyone else can come.

TLOTA: Okay. I’m not gonna question it. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): One video Jerrica made was left on Kimber’s camera when Kimber decides to post it onto Youtube. (Static breaks before cutting to Rowdy, Writrzblok and Cartoon Hero screaming at James to stop before cutting to James.)

TLOTA: Rowdy? Writrzblok? Cartoon Hero? (Cut to Rowdy, Writrzblok and Cartoon Hero)

Writrzblok: Listen to us!

Rowdy: You don’t want to review this!

Cartoon Hero: It is SOOOO BAD IT MAKES “JOSIE & THE PUSSYCATS” Look like Shakespeare!

Rowdy: It made me want to watch Reality Television! THAT IS HOW BAD IT WAS! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Look, I’m getting through this come Hell, Damnation, High-water, All of The Above! (Cut to Rowdy, Writrzblok and Cartoon Hero)

Writrzblok: You damned fool!

Rowdy: You poor damned fool!

Cartoon Hero: YOU PISS POOR GOD DAMNED FOOL! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: ORAC! (Cut to static before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So where was I? Oh yeah Kimber releasing the video on the video sharing site that slaughtered the previews and the actual movie! Well I wonder what could happen with that. Well, it becomes a viral hit and it reaches Starlight Production and its President Erica Raymond played by Juliette Lewis as she decides to sign the band on sight and sends them to Los Angeles. While in Los Angeles a little droid named Synergy awakens. (Cut to static for one second then Synergy played by Traci Hines appears.)

Synergy: THAT IS NOT WHAT I LOOK LIKE! I AM A HOLOGRAPHIC PROGRAM BASED ON JERRICA’S DECEASED MOTHER THAT IS HOUSED IN A SUPERCOMPUTER THE SIZE OF AN CHURCH ORGAN! (Cut to the movie as Synergy does a voiceover)

Synergy (Voiceover): That thing looks like the bastard offspring of the “Earth to Echo” droid, “Wall-E” & BB-8 from “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”!  (Cut to Synergy physically)

Synergy: I cannot stand by if you were not going to mention how inaccurate this movie is in comparison to the Show it was based on. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I was going to mention it but now that you did I have no reason to… So…Can I just get you to do this review or are you going to allow me the courtesy of letting me do my job?  (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So yeah, this is supposedly Synergy who sends the girls on a scavenger hunt for three missing pieces of it. The first piece is at the Santa Monica Pier and guess who finds them. (Singing) His name is Rio and he doesn’t look like his animated counterpart and oh yeah in this Tijuana toilet he’s Erica’s son! (Speaking): Before nearly getting busted by the Cops they run the hell into the middle of the Californian Beach lines and start singing for no apparent reason. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And guess what, I need a break for one reason it’s called having to use the toilet like a racehorse! CAN ANY OF YOU GET ME OUT MY BONDAGE? (Traci walks in and James notices her Purple contact lenses.)

Traci Hines: I’ll let you out to use the toilet and I’ll keep you out of this stuff if you promise not to go on a killing spree!

TLOTA: You got it, Uh Traci, What’s up with the funky Alien Purple Contacts?

Traci Hines: What are you talking about? (James points towards the Mirror and Traci sees she still has those contacts in her eyes.) Eh Whoops! I’ve got to be more careful with what I do.

TLOTA: Something isn’t kosher here.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return to the movie while James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So after Jem and The Holograms get through two of their three gigs booked by Starlight and finds the second piece of Synergy, Jerrica’s Aunt tells her the bad news that the house is going up for the auction in a few days. With no other choice Jerrica begs for an advance. The Caveat, Jerrica has to sign a solo contract. The others take it well. (Show clip of the girls shouting at one another before cutting to James struggling to plug his ears.)

TLOTA: The only downfall of being strapped down for my own protection! I really wish I could plug my ears and groan so I could friggin’ drown out the noise from this garbage! (Static breaks before cutting to the Blockbuster Buster)

Blockbuster Buster: GET OUT! GET OUT THERE’S STILL TIME! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: The Blockbuster Buster?! (Cut to the Blockbuster Buster)

Blockbuster Buster: You don’t have to review this! You can still walk away! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Sorry E-Rod, but I must review it, Synergy asked me to do so! (Cut to the Blockbuster Buster)

Blockbuster Buster: Okay, first off if Synergy asked you, I think you might be crazy. Secondly seeing as how you’re just hell bent on reviewing this I’ll pray for you! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So as Jerrica does her first Solo gig, listen maybe it’s my taste or maybe I can barely stand pop music now but since I’m strapped down I can’t avoid how horrible this music is! (Jem’s solo gig plays before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Shut Up! (Cut to the music still playing before cutting to James physically again)

TLOTA: SHUT UP! (Cut to the music still playing before cutting to James physically again)

TLOTA: SHUT THE HELL UP! (Cut to the music still playing before cutting to James physically again as he screams in agony and Traci comes brandishing Chudnofsky’s double barreled handgun.)

Traci Hines: WHAT PART OF SHUT THE HELL UP DON’T YOU MORONS FREAKING UNDER…. (Traci load the gun with the 300 round magazine into the gun) STAND! (Traci’s scream is heard as it cuts to a still of Jem as her head blows up in a cartoony way before cutting to a still of Erica with her eyes animatedly bugging out of her head before her head blows up in a cartoony way before cutting to a still of Jerrica’s aunt with her eyes animatedly bugging out of her head before her head blows up in a cartoony way before cutting to a still of Starlight Productions being blown to smithereens before cutting to James looking disturbed at Traci as Traci is foaming at the mouth trying to calm down.)

TLOTA: GUYS! COULD YOU UNTIE ME AND TIE HER DOWN?! And they were worried I might go nuts. (Static breaks before cutting to The Nostalgia Kid)

Nostalgia Kid: Know this is a professional courtesy, personally If I were the only guy who could save your life from being thrown into an active Volcano, I’d be tossing you a bolder and wishing you happy landings! Having said that, Stop while you still humanly can. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Okay, look Nostalgia Kid, You’re still pissed off about that whole “Fishtales” thing but there was a reason I sent you a copy to see if you could do better than I did. I mean your review of Dumb & Dumberer dwarfed mine by lightyears! (Cut to The Nostalgia Kid)

Nostalgia Kid: Really? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: YES! REALLY! (Cut to The Nostalgia Kid)

Nostalgia Kid: Wow, Now I really do care. So having said that, you don’t have to review this, it is a level of torture The Geneva Convention look at and say is inhumane! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: I must, for all that is good, I must! (Cut to The Nostalgia Kid)

Nostalgia Kid: NO! YOU’LL NEVER SURVIVE “FIFTY SHADES OF GREY”! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: “Fifty Shades Of Grey”?!... Fifty Shades Of…. I’m not reviewing “Fifty Shades Of Grey”! (Cut to The Nostalgia Kid)

Nostalgia Kid: Whew, that is a relief I’ll tell you now. Well why are you strapped down like that, what are you reviewing? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Jem & The Holograms! (Cut to The Nostalgia Kid screaming like a girl and running away and the sound of glass shattering is heard before cut to James)

TLOTA: Thanks for that! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): After that bit of torture that would be considered inhumane in Guantanamo Bay everyone in the band makes amends outside of Jerrica’s old family home she had with her sister and parents and decide to finish the search for Synergy’s missing part which just so happens to be back at Starlight in the form of a pair of earrings Jerrica had which is now in Erica’s safe. After some quick dips and dodges Jerrica gets the earrings and something else. But after getting Synergy finalized we get…. UGH, The same message from beyond the grave from either a father or father figure towards their child/apprentice. (Cut to a hologram of Jerrica’s dad giving her a message before cutting to Howard Stark’s message to Tony Stark in Iron Man 2, Splinter talking to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in the 1990 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to Obi-Wan talking to Luke on Dagobah in “Return Of The Jedi” before cutting back to the movie while James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So after that Jerrica shows Rio the other McGuffin which gives him Starlight and ships Erica out the door. The band comes back and the movie ends with Erica meeting up with The Misfits. (Cut to an image of the real MISFITS rock band logo and James saying “OH GOD I WISH”) No I’m talking about the rivals to Jem and The Holograms and their leader played by Kesha and… (The Movie ends then cut to James physically)

TLOTA: That’s how it ends…on a Cliffhanger. WHY? (Cut to a still image of Kesha as the leader of The Misfits as "The Price Is Right" losing horn plays and a Rubber Stamp slams "Sequel Bait" on the still image before cutting to James physically) They actually thought there was going to be a sequel! (James chuckles insanely and mutters “They Thought there was going to be a sequel” every now and then as he breaks his bonds save for the handcuffs in which he takes them off with a key, walks into the backroom with the copy of “Jem & The Holograms” in his hands.)

Eliza Dushku: Should we…? (Everyone else nods no)

Eric Kurtzke: He’ll be fine after he eviscerates it! (Cut to James continuing to chuckle insanely as he places the Jem & The Holograms DVD on a set of cinderblocks as James goes to a wall full of crowbars & pry bars until he reaches a sign that reads “Do not use unless you really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really mean it!” before looking into an empty case with an outline of a mallet.)

TLOTA: What the….?

Traci Hines (Audio only): SCUM SUCKING GARBAGE GOBLING WHORE! (James turns to see Traci Hines going bonkers for banana balls screaming, cursing and swearing and hitting and obliterating the Jem & The Holograms DVD even using Atomic Breath on it and taking the semi obliterated DVD on the ground and screaming “I’M RAPING THE BAD MOVIE!” before cutting to James looking shocked as she screams “I’M RAPING THE BAD MOVIE!” again then cuts back to Traci just going to town until she becomes exhausted as 04:12-05:08 of the William Tell Overture plays in the foreground. James cautiously walks up to Traci.)

TLOTA: Is there anything left for me to obliterate. Wait a minute. (James puts his right hand on the back of Traci’s neck and a mix of Colors comes onto James hand)

TLOTA: Paint?! Traci what’s going on here? (Traci takes a half a step as he grabs Traci by the back of the neck and James pulls out a mini-tablet.) ORAC! Holographic image of Traci Hines please. (A holographic image of Traci Hines appears in a bare area in the backroom)

TLOTA (Audio only): Okay now ORAC, what would you call the mix of colors on my right hand and the back of the Traci’s Neck? (Cut to James holding Traci by the neck)

Olivia Horvath (Audio only): Actually if you’d let me… (Cut to Olivia Horvath physically)

Olivia Horvath: I’d be willing to help seeing as how she took make-up from my work station! (Cut to James holding Traci.)

TLOTA: One moment if you’d please. ORAC ready voice recognition and Ready physical recognition of new user Olivia Horvath.

ORAC (Audio only): Scanning (A electrical light beam go up and down Olivia’s body) Physical Recognition: Complete. Ready vocal recognition.

Olivia Horvath: Olivia Horvath!

ORAC (Audio only): Scanning (different vocal frequencies before matching Olivia’s exactly) Vocal Recognition complete.

Olivia Horvath: Excellent (Cut to James)

TLOTA: And let’s see, ORAC could you let Olivia use the Holographic painter program? (Cut to Olivia Horvath)

Olivia Horvath: Absolutely!  (Holographic painter program activates) Okay let’s start with the blues, greens and purples in the wheel) (All the Blues, Greens & Purples appear.) Thank you ORAC! (Olivia mixes the colors to paint the Holographic image of Traci skin wise with the combo of colors to match that of Synergy.)

Olivia Horvath: How about that?

TLOTA (Audio only): Thank you Olivia. Okay Now, ORAC Ready the Alien Contacts over her eyes. (The Holographic image of Traci is painted skin wise with the combo of colors and her eyes are covered by the Contacts.) Thank you, now you said to Mike you were trying on Costumes, ORAC stop when you come up with the clothing from Synergy and the hair color to match Synergy’s as well. (The Holographic image of Traci is painted skin wise with the combo of colors, her eyes are covered by the Contacts and the Hair and Costume matches that of Synergy before cutting to James looking at Traci.)

TLOTA: Seriously? Or should I say “Synergy”? Really? Why? (Traci gets James off of her.)

Traci Hines: Okay, last year you said you knew the movie was gonna bomb and if certain people or certain people didn’t crossover to review it, you weren’t going to.

TLOTA: Well why not ask me? I’m not unreasonable. I’d be glad to do something, within reason of course.

Traci Hines: I know that but I felt you needed to review it.

TLOTA: Why? What else can I say that everyone else has said!

(Cut to clips of the movie while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): This turkey was Dead on Arrival. Nothing will ever compare to how bad this is and I’ve seen some really bad movies that’ll never be erased from the deepest recesses of my memories. But what little good that I can say is that the casting of certain actors in this movie and I’ve got nothing bad to say about the teenagers playing the characters of Jerrica, Kimber and the rest of the Holograms or to Molly Ringwald and Juliette Lewis but as far as I’m concerned everything that has been said about how bad this movie is HAS been said, I’ve got nothing to add to it so let’s do the only sensible thing left and to say yeah, this movie sucks, let it die and rot in hell! (Cut to James, Olivia and Traci in the backroom)

TLOTA: There, are you satisfied?

Traci Hines: Yeah, I am. Thank you.

TLOTA: You’re Welcome! Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to have a staff meeting in case Traci here wasn’t the only person involved. I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That’s My Opinion! Would you like to be a part of this because…?

Olivia Horvath: Yeah, she took my make-up. (Cut to James and Olivia looking at everyone else before cutting to everyone else as an hour has passed)

Paulo Fonseca: You do know, Me, my sister, my Brother in Law, Eric, John, Mike, Renee & Eliza had nothing to do with what Traci did. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: I understand that. But this is a symptom to what is truly wrong here. (Cut to everyone else)

TLOTA (Audio only): I’m not an asshole who won’t listen to your ideas and go for them. I might help your ideas if they were sensible and for the love of peat moss if you suggest something write it down, shoot it to me through my E-Mail or say it to my face and I WILL listen. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: I need to lead but I also have to be your friends in order for us to work together and if you need to walk away for a brief period I WILL UNDERSTAND! (Cut to everyone else)

Eliza Dushku: And we know you will, it’s just that you have a big personality and you can be loud and hard in certain areas. (Everyone turn their heads towards Eliza) What did I say wrong? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Nothing, but I do get the point. I’m not like my father. I’m better I will listen. (The audio of static from a TV is heard.)

The Maven Of The Eventide (Audio only): Well after last year it’s a miracle that you listen at all!

Olivia Horvath: Who said that?

TLOTA: If it’s who I think it is… (James turns to see on his TV The Maven Of The Eventide.)

TLOTA (Audio only): DAMN IT MAVEN…. (Cut to everyone looking at the TV)

TLOTA: I thought we were Square! (Cut to the TV)

The Maven Of The Eventide: Oh we are, it’s just that I have one more request for you to do. For old times’ sake and it just so involves one of your members of your team contacting the other three she knows involved in it. (Cut to everyone in team TLOTA before the camera pans over to Eliza Dushku)

Eliza Dushku: Really?! Who would I know? Oh them. I’ll see if I can contact them.