Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Affleck & The "Mallrats"


(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run and the words Ben to the Ben to the Ben AFFLECK is heard in the background. At the 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators Ben to the Ben is repeated while the image shows Ben Affleck’s face on James Faraci’s body morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with a Black Tee-Shirt with Ben Affleck’s face from “Pearl Harbor” on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher and Ben Affleck’s face in “Daredevil” is on the coin, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers with Ben Affleck’s faces showing Different emotions from different films, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James taking on all of popular culture until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it.)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views (Aflac duck quacks “Aflac” off screen) I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The (Aflac duck quacks “Aflac” off screen and James gets slightly angry and says quickly I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours as Aflac duck quacks “Aflac” off screen and James gets up walks off to the right comes back holding 12 gauge semi-auto shotgun and fires three shots and an eight bit duck from “Duck Hunt” falls from the sky and the dog & duck from “Duck Hunt” comes up only for James to shoot the dog with a load of bird shot to the back of the dog’s head.) I guess I know who I’m going to be talking about for the next three months. (Cut to pics and clips of Ben Affleck while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice Over): Because what can be said that hasn’t been said about Ben Affleck. He became a Paparazzi magnet and a double Academy Award winner. He can flourish in movies and can write, direct & act in them and he’s been in so many clunkers it’s a surprise Hollywood hasn’t sent him back to Boston to flip Whoppers at Burger King. He’s beloved and hated by so many and me personally, I’ve got nothing against him but since the advent of the internet a certain motif in his method of acting and I think I’ve got it down to the following: 5% saying his lines with snark and a smile, 5% trying to be charming 20% screaming like Shia LaBeouf when he has a bad day, 30% talking with his jaw jutted down and a whopping 40% being so close to his teeth you feel he’s more likely to eat you with a side of the scenery. But despite that there is nothing like a Ben Affleck performance to make people smile. (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA: And where do some people start their taste for Affleck? Why with his first movie that became a cult classic, I am a course talking about “Mallrats” (Show “Mallrats” opening credit and clips of “Mallrats” while “Build Me Up, Buttercup” by “The Goops” play in the background and James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voice Over): This was Kevin Smith’s second movie and to be honest it shows. The humor is honest, the dialogue is how and what people talked about at that time and it tried to recapture the energy of “Clerks” and be more of an expansion of what has been known as The “View Askewniverse”.  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: What’s the “View Askewniverse” you may ask? To summarize it simply it’s a universe in which writer & director Kevin Smith and his characters and in all of them Brian O’Halloran playing a character with the last name of Hicks try to live a normal life while the world around gives them unbelievable situations like rooftop hockey or knocking over a corpse at a wake or something as extreme as stopping two angels who have been here since the end of the ten plagues of Egypt getting to a rededicated church which used the Plenary Indulgence loophole to negate all existence to having the only two characters which has been in the entire “View Askewniverse” going to Hollywood to stop a movie about them getting made while hitching a ride with four gorgeous international jewel thieves. (Cut to clip of Shannon Elizabeth saying “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Before cutting back to James physically)

TLOTA: Well allow me to give you clarity as to at least a snippet of what that universe entails. Let’s take a look at “Mallrats”. (Cut to opening of the movie while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): So our movie begins with scenes of the Mall while we hear Jason Lee narrate.

Brodie (Voice over): One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck up his ass! True Story! He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrassing for my relatives and all, but next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So, I run into him a week later in the mall and he's buying another cat. And I says to him, "Jesus, Walt! What are you doing? You know you're just gonna get this cat stuck up your ass too. Why don't you knock it off?" And he said to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA (Imitating Jason Lee as Earl Hickey): He was so weird I had to legally change my name and move to California someplace small called Camden County it was there I learned about Karma.(James shakes his head and then goes back to speaking normally.) Okay I’m going to need this! (Pulls out a large container with a stick-it note reading “My Name Is Earl” Jokes and drops a handful of change before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): We then meet T.S. Quint played by Jeremy London and Brandi played by Claire Forlani. T.S. has plans to take Brandi to Florida and propose marriage but her father played by “The Walking Dead” Michael Rooker has asked her to call it quits to T.S. so she can appear on her father’s cheap knock off LAME version of “The Dating Game” because the girl who died in “Clerks”, Julie Dwyer died here as well. Meanwhile Brodie played by Jason Lee and his girlfriend Rene played by Shannon Doherty calls it quits as well when Brodie decides to enjoy his Sega Hockey game over his girlfriend but to be honest if my girlfriend was Shannon Doherty I would rather play with a Sega Genesis than be anywhere near her. Not long after the two dumped schmucks get together to trade Girlfriend breaking up with them stories and decide what to do next.

Brodie: There is something out there that can help ease our simultaneous double loss.

T.S.: Ritual Suicide?

Brodie: No you idiot, The Fucking Mall! (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA (Imitating Jason Lee as Earl Hickey): Besides it’s on my list to help a friend out after breaking up with his girlfriend. (Pulls out a large container with a stick-it note reading “My Name Is Earl” Jokes and drops a handful of change before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): And faster than you can say Snoogans! Brodie & T.S. are at the mall where they meet up with of course Affleck! He plays Shannon Hamilton who judging by how he dresses works at one of those high end men’s clothing shop and acts like it as he is a prick to both T.S. & Brodie! But soon enough Brodie has more important things on his mind like a piece of Metal Staging for Brandi’s dad’s game show and where do they get the information from? By Ethan Suplee whose gag in this picture is to look into a magic eye in order to see a sailboat which throughout the runtime of this picture never does but everyone else around him does.

Willam: I’ve been staring at this thing for a week now from opening till closing and I can’t see a god damn thing and I’m not gonna leave until I see this sailboat everyone keeps talking about.(Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA (Imitating Jason Lee as Earl Hickey): Well Randy don’t stay here too long we might need you to save our backsides as you usually have done so. (Pulls out a large container with a stick-it note reading “My Name Is Earl” Jokes and drops a handful of change before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): After that our intrepid heroes find “View Askew” mainstays Jay played by Jason Mewes & Silent Bob played by the man behind the whole “View Askewniverse” himself Kevin Smith and task the duo to take down the stage any way they can if they can get past LaFours the head of the Security in the Mall. But if it was Paul Blart you can bet your last nickel Jay & Silent Bob would’ve DEMOLISHED it with Paul’s unintentional help. (Cut to James Faraci dressed as Silent Bob, Rebecca Fonseca as Jay behind a green screened pic of a mall)

Jay (Played by Rebecca Fonseca): YO SILENT BOB HURRY YOUR FAT ASS UP! THAT DUMB FUCK MALL COP IS ON OUR ASS! (Cut to see Silent Bob played by James Faraci running past Jay played by Rebecca Fonseca as Jay runs off screen and Paul Blart played by Paulo Fonseca is right behind them.)

Paul Blart (Wheezing and groaning played by Paulo Fonseca): Come back you two hoodlums! (Paul runs off screen and we hear a loud series of bangs and crashes.)

Jay (Off Screen played by Rebecca Fonseca): Dude the Fucker did our job for us! Snoochie Bootchies! (Earl Hickey played by James Faraci walks on screen)

Earl Hickey (played by James Faraci): After Jay & Bob demolished the set with Paul’s help it was smooth sailing for T.S. & Brandi (Pulls out a large container with a stick-it note reading “My Name Is Earl” Jokes and drops a handful of change before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): Not really Jay & Silent Bob have to demolish it while this intelligent Nympho who is fifteen named Tricia needs Silent Bob for research on a book she’s working on. But somewhere along the lines Brodie discovers that one of his Idols Stan “The Man” Lee is at the mall for a signing but not after some good commentary about what my generation was like we discover that Brodie’s Ex is at the mall as well (Cut to see Brodie being his usual self and Rene giving him an earful before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA (Imitating Jason Lee as Earl Hickey): Hmm, must’ve gotten an A in the “How to chew me out after a breakup” course which was being taught by my ex-wife Joy! (Pulls out a large container with a stick-it note reading “My Name Is Earl” Jokes and drops a handful of change before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): So after that Jay & Silent Bob’s first attempt to knock down the stage is thwarted when a kid slides Silent Bob straight into Joey Lauren Adams in a dressing room. But not long after that Brodie & T.S. hear that Stan “The Man” Lee is in town at the Mall for a session to be with his fans. But Brodie has more on his mind than that as he discovers that not long after being dumped, Rene hooks up with Shannon. Not long after that Jay & Silent Bob’s second attempt to take down the game show is thwarted by physics. But after that Brodie decides to go on the attack as he sneaks onto an elevator which Rene is on. The two argue a bit before the two have break up in-bed tango in the elevator. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And after seeing my friend, blood brother & compatriot doing it in a bathtub with a crazy woman last month that’s not as crazy as elevator in bed tango. Why is that? I’ll figure that out while we go to break.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return act to the review)

TLOTA (Voice over): So after that Shannon find Brodie and guess what happens? Shannon drops Brodie like a bad habit. (Show clip of Shannon Hamilton beating up Brodie and getting really close to his face trying to intimidate and threatening him before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA (Imitating Jason Lee as Earl Hickey): I knew if I were to hit back it’d get me into more trouble and besides I knew the power of Karma would come and bite him hard. (Pulls out a large container with a stick-it note reading “My Name Is Earl” Jokes and drops a handful of change before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): After that Jay & Silent Bob nix the idea of taking down the stage but T.S. takes some initiative and confront Brandi’s dad when Brodie drops by and the two are immediately taken away from the mall on Brandi’s Dad’s orders.

Brodie: RENE! GET JAY & SILENT BOB PLEASE! HURRY! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA (Imitating Jason Lee as Earl Hickey): And if you can’t get either of them see if you can get either Randy, Catalina, Joy, one of the kids or Crab man! (Pulls out a large container with a stick-it note reading “My Name Is Earl” Jokes and drops a handful of change before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): And you can tell it’s bad when LaFours has a bag of weed probably bought by (Show clip of LaFours smiling when a clank is heard)

Jay: COME SON OF JOR-EL KNEEL BEFORE ZOD! Snoochie Bootchies (Laughs in a hysterical high pitch)

TLOTA (Voice over): Having been run out it looks like T.S. & Brodie are stuck hiding at a dirt mall and feeling like they’re not going to win and what is T.S. going to do? What he’s done in the majority of the movie complain and cry “Why Me?” that is until they see a topless fortune teller played by Priscilla Barnes. (Show image of “Three’s Company” with John Ritter, Joyce DeWitt & Priscilla Barnes from the Final season and James says “Yes! That Priscilla Barnes” before going back to the movie with James doing a voice over) after getting the advice he needed T.S. goes back to win Brandi’s heart, stop Brandi’s dad from getting the win and at the same time get Brodie to get his head out of his ass and see if Brodie can get Rene back and with Jay & Silent Bob two of the contestants except for the character Gill Hicks played by Brian O’Halloran. Seriously Brian O’Halloran characters in the View Askewniverse has the last name of Hicks what’s up with that? Meanwhile Brodie gets to meet Stan Lee and actually uses the characters he inspired to make Brodie realize what he needs isn’t the Comic Books and Sega, its Rene and now armed with inspiration Brodie joins T.S. in helping him win Brandi while embarrassing Shannon Hamilton as he tries to win Rene back with a video Tricia made involving research for the book. Don’t ask me how that works but it is Showtime as the show goes on and T.S. goes on the attack. (Show clip of the game going from questions being asked to T.S. & Brandi blasting each other before Brodie says what T.S. has been doing all day.)

TLOTA (Voice over): With T.S. & Brandi back together we look at Ethan trying to see the Sailboat everyone else has when the capper comes from one person.

Stan Lee: Oh a sailboat. (Willam roars before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA (Imitating Jason Lee as Earl Hickey): Well at least he took it better than he did when found out Santa was imaginary.(Pulls out a large container with a stick-it note reading “My Name Is Earl” Jokes and drops a handful of change and looks at the jar.)

TLOTA: Hey guys, is this the same jar as the one as I started off with? (Cut to Paulo & Rebecca at the door way into James’ office.)

Paulo: Actually you went past that one a few “My Name Is Earl” Jokes ago, that’s the fifth one! (Cut to James in his office)

TLOTA: The Fifth one?! (Cut to Paulo & Rebecca at the door way into James’ office.)

Rebecca: Yep and Thanks to you and your jokes I can afford a wonderful Honeymoon with Nick and have enough to buy a house in an auction.

Paulo: And there’s enough here for a donation to “The Joyful Heart Foundation” (Cut to James in his office)

TLOTA: Oh…Well I hope Jason Lee will make an equal donation. (Cut to the movie and James doing a voice over)

TLOTA (Voice over): Speaking of Jason Lee’s character. He calls out Rene to let her know he still loves her and Shannon looks to put him into a hole in the ground when…(Show clip of Silent Bob trying to use the force to grab the tape and Willam crying when is he going to see the sailboat and the video gets to Silent Bob’s hand and the video is shown of Shannon and Tricia doing the In-Bed Tango cut to a clip of the eleventh doctor going “YOWZA” before cutting back to the movie)

Jay: Goddamn this is one WACKY game show. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: You ain’t whistling “Dixie” on that one. (Cut to the ending of the movie as James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): So with Shannon being dragged away by the cops for raping a minor and trust me if Sgt. Benson and the crew from the SVU were around they would’ve crucified the guy. (Cut to ending showing what had happened to everyone in the movie before using that same type of text used in the ending of “Mallrats” and music “Suzanne” from Weezer playing in the background as images of everyone is seen to show what was going to happen to everyone with “Jason Lee and Paulo Fonseca donated $4,000.00 to “The Joyful Heart Foundation.”, “Rebecca got that nice house.”, “Rowdy decided to eventually watch “CLERKS: The Animated series” and found material for a great review” with Rowdy looking at the Camera and saying Thanks, “James found the movie an amazing representation of what the early 1990’s were like.” Then clips from “Mallrats” play as the following sentences are seen underneath “James is dead serious about this.” “Were it not for this and Clerks James may have been blissfully ignorant of Independent movies and Kevin Smith and of course Ben Affleck” “If you’re a part of James’ generation you’ll get nostalgic and remember what it was like for you and hopefully make sense of where you once were” before cutting back to James physically)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and our trip through Affleck has just begun. What’s next? (James looks at clipboard, puts it down and bangs his head on the table and precedes to cry.)