In Defense of "Baywatch"

 (0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Fade cut to James in his room at his house)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and Yeah still at home, and in Quarantine but guess what It's once again time for "In Defense Of..."(Show pics of maligned pieces of pop culture while the fanfare from the Olympics  play and James comes up after Vanilla Ice slides back and his right hand thumbs up and the words "In Defense Of..."  before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: 
You know what I miss the most during this Quarantine? Going fishing and going to the beach! (Cut to the Intro to the Baywatch TV Series then clips of the series as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
When people think of  the 1990's syndicated series "Baywatch" the following immediately comes to mind. "David Hasselhoff", "Pamela Anderson", "Cheesy", "Stupid", "Dumb", "T & A", "Soft Soft core Adult Entertainment" and of course if you're in the Internet Reviewer community "Allison Pregler".  But be that as it may, a lot of people actually found the series entertaining enough to make it the Number One Syndicated Series for several years and it is because of most of it. It was the right amount of dumb, the right amount of stupid, the right amount of cheese. But since the series went under for the last time in 2001 with the cancelation of "Baywatch Hawaii" the series has grown more of a following because of Allison Pregler because of her series "Baywatching". However many have used "Baywatching" to further make the series look dumber than it is. Okay granted it is dumb but it is a fun dumb! Plus it did open producers to new avenues as to how to get a series the way they wanted without having Network Execs and Standards changing things willy nilly because the show didn't fit certain criteria. But that was after the series was cancelled by NBC after one season. The series also served as David Hasselhoff's second wind that he was in need of after four seasons of "Knight Rider" and his sub sequential musical career flopped stateside but somehow gave The Hoff a boost overseas especially in Germany which gave him a bargaining chip to sign on as a producer for the show which was both a blessing and a curse. He could and wanted to speak about the quality of the series but never got involved in terms of cast when it comes to pay negotiations because he had to work with them. Speaking of the cast of not only this show but the spinoffs, yeah I'm talking about the spinoffs quickly as well, I have to say there was an abundance of talent but they were underutilized. I felt sorry for actors like Monte Markham, Nicole Eggert and Alexandra Paul they were barely utilized while Pamela Anderson got a lion's share of attention. But once she left a lot of audience seemed to have gone with her. As for the Spin offs, "Baywatch Nights" had Angie Harmon who went on to be a part of both "Law & Order" and "Rizzoli & Isles" and in the second/last season Dorian Gregory who went on to have a seven year run on "Charmed" as Darryl Morris and in "Baywatch Hawaii" well Who would've thought a skinny little dude by the name of Jason Momoa would go on to being known for being Jason Momoa! (Show clip of Jason Momoa clip from "Justice League" as Aquaman as opens up his mouth honestly about their stakes before cutting to James playing Waa-Waa Music and shrugs his arms comedically. Cut to clips of Baywatch as James continues his voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Now let's talk about the production of an episode. Specifically in the editing in many an episode there will be what I considered Music Video editing. Where in several episodes felt less like an actual episode and more like music video montages. And it didn't help that one episode featuring The Beach Boys doing a music video as the title of the episode and who wrote, produced, directed and guest starred in the episode. And some of the episodes have gone down in infamy as to how cheesy they are. One of them being possibly the most over reviewed episode of the series. The episode with Hulk Hogan and WCW wrestlers Ric Flair and Kevin Sullivan but one wrestler in the episode was not part of WCW when it finally aired and it happened to be Vader. He was in the WWE. Plus there was supposedly the arc that started the end of Alexandra Paul's run as her character Lt. Stephanie Holden was given a Skin Cancer diagnosis but that wasn't what put her away for good. A Mast smashing her innards on a boat trip is what put her down.  Also hurting the episodes in the later seasons and also "Hawaii" was the lack of quality writing. Now before I get a ton of hate comments I am SO aware that the series was never going to be highly praised for it's writing or it's acting or anything that would get critics to say "Yes! We love this series! Watch it, for it is the most amazing series ever."  I think the audience didn't want that when the series became popular. They wanted the mindless popcorn that didn't try and elevate intelligence. They wanted the Soft "Soft Core" entertainment. But even that couldn't sustain the series forever and neither did the constant cast changes. This show had probably the hardest working casting directors in the business as well as the ones with the biggest bottles of aspirin when the producers started calling. But when the series was over it was safe to say that the Casing Directors who worked on Baywatch decided to call it a career. Yeah let's get to how each series ended. The original Baywatch ended as Mitch and Newmie walked together talking how it was going to be a hot summer. Baywatch Nights ended with apparently Mitch and Angie Harmon's character expressing their feelings for one another while Dorian Gregory kept this series off his resume to get onto Charmed and the Detective Agency Mitch, former Sgt. Garner Ellerbee and Angie Harmon's character probably closes it's doors and "Baywatch Hawaii" should've ended when they killed Mitch Buchanan off but the finale was so boringly bad I couldn't stomach it and it to no one's surprise ended on a whimper!(Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
But believe it or not, in spite of the few snarky moments I had talking about this show, it was "Baywatch" and several others like that were the showing the networks that they could do shows their way and succeed, The syndicated market was a precursor to all of the YouTube and other video sharing sites.(Cut to the Intro to the Baywatch TV Series then clips of the series as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
 As a matter of fact when Baywatch produced and released their 100th Episode, NBC put an ad out saying "Whoops! We Screwed up cancelling you guys!". So even the one of the big networks were humbled when this little show became the No.1 watched series all around the world. That would friggin' surprise even the most uppity sawed off Network exec. And because the Syndicated market was in need of original content they got it. So because of the success of Baywatch we got more shows. Some that were more critically acclaimed and commercially successful and some that have gone down as infamously cheesy as Baywatch. Regardless of how you may feel about the series, I think I can agree with those who like the show for what it's worth and the impact it had on how it changed entertainment forever! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
As for the movie based on the show, well... (James pulls out a grenade, tapes it to the "Baywatch" movie cover and tosses it out a window.) Nuff said! I'm James Faraci The Last of The Americans (Grenade Explodes off screen) and that's my opinion! 

The Different Cuts of Peter Jackson's "Lord Of The Rings" Trilogy

 (Scene begins with a laser hitting a slab of Titanium as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as three shadowed figures with a lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be James Faraci in the center, Paulo Fonseca on the right and Rebecca Yaun on the left as their names appear above the characters. As the three run out of frame moving forward, four more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear and the shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on the right, Nick Yaun on the left and John and Mike Santos and their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving forward, five more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as they reveal themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on the right, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion on the left and Olivia Horvath appear in the center as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame credits of “Written and directed by James Faraci, Edited by Eric Kurtzke, Makeup by Olivia Horvath Produced by First Choice Productions” as it ends the Laser beam disappears and at the 0:28 mark of the theme song the words “The” “Last” “Of” “The” appear. At the 0:32-0:36 mark the word “Americans” start to come forward as it pulls down and  James’ Morpher and Sonic Screwdriver is flung into frame as James grabs both and morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Fade cut to James in his room at his house)

TLOTA:

I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and even though I’m still stuck in Quarantine Lockdown, guess what, it’s time once again for “The Different Cuts” (Whistling version “The Lumberjack Song” is heard as Team TLOTA dressed as Lumberjacks see a gigantic piece of film celluloid and James chops it down and the other members cut it to different lengths and on the ends sticking out of the back of the truck the words “The Different Cuts” are seen in differing syllables. Cut to “The Lord Of The Rings” trilogy as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
For me as much as the original Star Wars Trilogy was and remains a cinematic masterpiece, for my money Peter Jackson’s “Lord Of The Rings” trilogy has better storytelling, better acting, better action, better music (mutters “John Williams forgive me!”), more inspirational themes, and overall has a better grasp on themes that Star Wars missed out on. Based on the J.R.R. Tolkien series of books this tale of a Ring forged in the heart of Mordor and a journey to destroy the one ring once and for all went through a lot to get to the big screen and Director Peter Jackson took the Lord Of The Rings to the Academy Promised Land as all three movies won Academy Awards in the technical departments and the third and final one won the best Director and best Movie among the other awards the trilogy earned. However Peter Jackson thought that as much as the theatrical cuts were great, he decided to give all three movies an extended edition which he hoped would be great enhancements to what was and is some of the finest works in cinema! But which version is the better version? Well today for funsies we’re going to see which version is the better version. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
We’re going to be going through and there will be a lot of factors going into the points. For example, the points will go to which one of the movies or all of them handled it better, which of single movies are better in the trilogy because when I started off all four categories ended in ties but with time I saw that one movie was better or another one and because of that we’re going to be dividing the points  So, let’s start off with the plot. (Cut to the scene of The Beacon of Amon Din being lit as the words “The Plot” appear in the fires of the lit beacon. Cut to clips of both “The Lord Of The Rings” Original and Extended editions as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
At his 111^th birthday Bilbo Baggins after a long time uses the ring he found in Gollum’s cave and after that he leaves The Shire one last time. Entrusting his house and the ring to Frodo. Gandalf the Grey discovers Bilbo’s ring is the one ring of Sauron. Knowing that Frodo’s life is in danger, he and Samwise Gamgee embark on a journey to find out how best to handle the ring with Merry and Pippin. On one stop at the Prancing Pony Inn they encounter Strider a Ranger from the north who decides to take the four to Rivendell to avoid the Nazgul. There they meet with Elrond and Arwen. Elrond knowing that it is the one ring of Sauron that Isildur allowed to endure which killed Isildur. A meeting which includes Boromir from Gondor, Gimli son of Gloin, Legolas of the Woodland Realm and in a shocking twist the Ranger Strider is Isildur’s heir Aragorn son of Arathorn, Frodo, and Gandalf. While arguing over what to with the Ring, Frodo steps up to say he would be the one personally responsible to take the Ring to Mordor and do what Isildur would not do. Destroy the one ring once and for all, after many a adventure which includes going into the mines of Moria, Gandalf fighting with the Balrog, Orcs, A Cave Troll, fighting the Uruk-Hai, watching as Boromir die, Frodo and Sam heading to Mordor on their own, Merry and Pippin being captured by the Orcs only to escape into the woods Fangorn Forest to get the ents into the battle against Sauron and Saruman, a journey to the Village of Rohan to help King Theoden be free of Grima Wormtongue, Stopping the Uruk-Hai at Helms Deep, dealing with the grief stricken madman Denethor Son Of Ecthelion while battling Orcs at Minas Tirith and one last attack on Mordor while Frodo and Sam travel with the creature Gollum to Mordor coming upon Faramir, Dealing with Shelob the Spider, the ring is destroyed ending Sauron once and for all. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So which one is better? (Cut to clips of “The Lord Of The Rings” Original and Extended editions as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As far as I am concerned these both have earned the point in spades. While the extended edition takes the plot and takes it further towards how the books end, the theatrical editions takes what’s essential to the plot and focuses on the right elements to see Middle Earth in all its splendor and glory.  But the point amount has come down to a third of the point but that mere fraction is going to the lesser of the two versions.  Because why should I let a mere fraction of a point disappear into the ether! But the usage of the plot was stronger in “Fellowship of The Ring” and “Return Of The King”, but that’s not to say “Two Towers” didn’t handle the plot as good, it just felt as if there was padding in there that wasn’t in the books or the theatrical cut. But overall, even though both are point worthy. Again, as I said before by a mere third of a point The Extended editions is the superior cut of the Lord Of The Rings Trilogy when it comes to the usage of the plot but again that last third goes to the Theatrical cut because the way the plot was handled was just as good. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
2/3rds of a point goes to the extended edition and the last third goes to the theatrical cut. (Cut to the second Beacon as it lights up the covers of the Theatrical cuts of the Lord Of The Rings Trilogy and under it is a mark in elvish translated to “One Third” and the covers of the Extended Editions of the Lord Of The Rings Trilogy and under it is a mark in elvish translated to “Two Thirds”. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Now let’s move onto again under normal circumstances it would end in a tie but we’re not under normal circumstances. Which one is edited better? (Cut to the second and third beacon as it is lit and the word “Editing” appear in the fires of the lit beacon. Cut to clips of both “The Lord Of The Rings” Original and Extended editions as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Editing these three movies at the lengths they were presented at must have taken a great amount of stamina, patience and the team working on it must have had enough coffee in their systems to kickstart the Speed Force. Because they’re long and I think it goes without saying there is a lot to fit into three movies. So which ones are the better edited? Let’s talk about the movies one by one. While the Extended versions do add more depth and a bit of closure to two characters, one who had been detrimental Saruman and Grima Wormtongue trust me when I say it wouldn’t have been that much more to add it into the Theatrical edition of “Return Of The King” but that’s a minor nitpick. The Two Towers suffers a bit when it comes to the extended editions as well. We didn’t need a reminder scene of Gollum, Frodo and Sam telling they have to go to Mordor near the end of the movie. They could’ve kept that out. The extended edition of The Fellowship does in my mind the best job in editing to enhance the movie. Even though there were some minor editing problems that haunts me. The blurred slow-motion fast speed scene of the Uruk-Hai hunting the remaining fellowship members in the forest while the others were on canoes heading to Mordor is problematic on both editions. But again, the editing in the Theatrical cuts are not bad either. It does show the strength of the story and characters in the right way, plus it kept everything even though they’re over three hours and fifteen minutes long it sure didn’t feel that way. But believe it or not the theatrical trailers make it feel like the extended editions were the theatrical versions. That was a misdirect but I think that’s why the extended editions exist. But on the strength of each trilogy I am awarding the extended editions another two-thirds of a point and the other third going to the theatrical cut because the editing was so good it was point worthy so again splitting the point. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
With the points split in a tie again with two-thirds of a point going to the extended edition and the other third going to the theatrical cut the extended is now one and one third points, the extended version is up by two-thirds of a point (Cut to the fourth beacon being lit as it lights up the covers of the Theatrical cuts of the Lord Of The Rings Trilogy and under it is a mark in elvish translated to “Two Thirds” and the covers of the Extended Editions of the Lord Of The Rings Trilogy and under it is a mark in elvish translated to “One and One third”. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
With a mere two thirds of a point separating them we’ll see if the theatrical cuts can comeback after the break. (Video call beeps are heard.) One moment… Wait a second, I’m going to a commercial break. So why am I saying that?

(Cut to James as he goes to his computer to answer the, the scene fades to black then cuts to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to James as he sits and twiddles his thumbs)

TLOTA:
So apparently, the team has been trying to contact me on certain things, like when I feel it’d be safe for all of us to work at the Studio again or what me and Alex had in store and most of all they were concerned for my mental wellbeing after my “Birds Of Prey” review. I told them to wait another 20 minutes to finish this Different Cuts. So, I’ve got to haul ass and get this done! Let’s get to the cast and characters. (Cut to the third to last beacon as it is lit and the word “Cast and Characters” appear in the fires of the lit beacon. Cut to clips of both “The Lord Of The Rings” Original and Extended editions as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
To say the cast takes up half of the island of New Zealand is an understatement. We have the creature Gollum played by Andy Serkis, Gandalf the Grey/White played by Sir Ian McKellen, Saruman played by Christopher Lee, Viggo Mortensen as Aragorn, John Rhys-Davies as Gimli, Hugo Weaving as King Elrond, Sean Bean as Boromir, Orlando Bloom as Legolas, Cate Blanchett as Galadriel, Bernard Hill as King Theoden of Rohan, Miranda Otto as Eowyn, Liv Tyler as Arwen, Karl Urban as Eomer, David Wenham as Faramir, John Noble as Denethor, Elijah Wood as Frodo Baggins, Sean Astin as Samwise Gamgee, Billy Boyd as Peregrin “Pippin” Took, Dominic Monaghan as Meriadoc “Merry” Brandybuck, the list goes on and on as to how many actors were in there. I could name a hundred actors and not make a dent as to how many people were in this movie.  And this is where it is so friggin impossible to just put one performance above the other. Every actor brought the characters to life. There was not one arc that I did not feel was closed perfectly. So instead of judging the character arcs, I will be doing it on a movie to movie basis. “The Fellowship of The Ring” gave the characters great starting points and while Boromir’s story ended in this movie, his character’s death affected the follow ups of both “The Two Towers” & “Return Of The King” so much so by the time of Return Of The King came up and we were introduced to Denethor right away I could tell Denethor had gone around the bend carrying both Helm’s Deep and Minas Tirith levels of Bat Shit Crazy! But it also made sure Aragorn took the path that would lead him to being worthy of the Kingdom of Gondor. It also helped the developments of Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippen. A while back I made a top ten unexpectedly bad asses someone on Manic Expression had commented that Sam should’ve been on the list well I do agree to that, After watching both cuts of Peter Jackson’s the Lord Of The Rings trilogy. Not only should Sam have made it on the list so should Merry and Pippin. While Sam starts out the epic series as a shy and delicate hobbit gardener who pines after the local barmaid, Rosie played by Sarah McLeod but never asks her out. Until he is sent on a quest to protect ring bearer Frodo from orcs, monsters, Gollum and Shelob, Sam shows his mettle and becomes courageous and fiery. So after going through the hellfire and brimstone of Mordor he figures “Eh! Talking to Rosie and eventually Marrying Rosie should be a cake walk.” Then of course we have Merry and Pippin, While starting off as comedic secondary characters, it’s in “The Two Towers” while being captured by the Uruk-Hai do they see what the world outside of the Shire is truly like. But unlike so many who see the world outside of their safe zone. Merry and Pippin do change but not to be like the world they discover, instead they show that their courage could make their world into a world where they wanted to live in and fight for. And while yes, I do agree that the development of Gimli and Legolas were stunted to basic archetypes of the comic relief and the overly perfectionist they did have their good moments of character however, even though again in this category it is a tie, to me it is by a third of a point towards the extended edition because it again feels like the theatrical cuts we were meant to get. But don’t forget the extended versions have a lot more to go with and to discredit the theatrical cuts is wrong. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So the score is now 1 point to the theatrical cuts and to the theatrical it is a solid two points are towards the extended cuts (Cut to the third to last beacon being lit as it lights up the covers of the Theatrical cuts of the Lord Of The Rings Trilogy and under it is a mark in elvish translated to “One” and the covers of the Extended Editions of the Lord Of The Rings Trilogy and under it is a mark in elvish translated to “Two” Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And now for the deciding moment “The Re-watch Factor”! and this time how with this one will end, I’ll be fine with it! (Cut to the second to last beacon as it is lit and the word “Cast and Characters” appear in the fires of the lit beacon. Cut to clips of both “The Lord Of The Rings” Original and Extended editions as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
It goes without question that both of these trilogies have so much of the Re-Watch factor. I actually found even though these movies would take two days of your life off if you were to watch them back to back to back which is why doing it over a week is the best way to watch the movies. Every performance is amazing, the battle of Helm’s Deep is so awesome that both versions are so amazing that it just puts you into the heart of the battle, The ride of the Rohirrim to the lands of Gondor to aid Gandalf in the defense of the city of Minas Tirith. When Aragorn leads everyone left from The Riders Of Rohan and Gondor against the Orcs, I felt the riders fear turn to courage as they went into battle with all they could muster. The ending even though there are a dozen of them they all serve the purpose of giving closure to the story arcs of many of the main characters. So much so, that for the first time with all three of the movies in both the extended editions are given enough to give them each 3 and 2/3rds of a point. That’s right, The Different Cuts are equal and I’m okay with it. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So for the first time EVER in the history of “The Different Cuts” Both the Theatrical and Extended Editions are equally as awesome as they deserve to be.

(Cut to the final beacon being lit as it lights up the covers of the Theatrical cuts of the Lord Of The Rings Trilogy and under it is a mark in elvish translated to “Three and two thirds” and the covers of the Extended Editions of the Lord Of The Rings Trilogy and under it is a mark in elvish translated to “Three and two thirds”. Show the still of Aragorn looking at the beacon and internally he’s thinking “Nice” Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Think I’m wrong in this case? Let me know why in the Comment Section below. I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That’s my opinion! (Cut to an hour later as James looks into a computer screen.)

TLOTA:
Okay guys, I just finished up with the different cuts of the Peter Jackson Lord Of The Rings Trilogy and the “In Defense Of”. What’s up guys? (Cut to Paulo and Brenda as they take care of their family)

Paulo Fonseca:
Well James, after you posted your “Birds Of Prey” review we knew something is wrong.

Brenda Fonseca:
When you started off a review crying… (Cut to Nick and Rebecca Yaun)

Rebecca Yaun:
Suffered a complete and total mental explosion just as you were getting started…

Nick Yaun:
Omitting certain things that happened like the fact protestors were outside the studio defacing the studio with graffiti… (Cut to John and Mike Santos)

John Santos:
And lest we forget the news about Alex wanting to wax your balls after the quarantine is over! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
DUDE! Don’t talk about it! (Cut to Renee Miller)

Renee Miller:
What happened to where James’ balls are going to get waxed? (Cut to John and Mike Santos)

Mike Santos:
James did an honest yet positive review of “Life As A Mermaid” as a request to someone who checked out the top 10 list James made three years ago! (Cut to Andrew Beach)

Andrew Beach:
And I take it James didn’t get permission from the cast and creators. (Cut to Ed Champion)

Ed Champion:
Wow James, anything else as dumb? Why not give Ted Nugent a gun with unlimited ammo and a list of his enemies’ home addresses? You know people aren’t gonna last long! (Cut to Olivia Horvath)

Olivia Horvath:
Can we focus on something else? James, the surprise you had planned for April, when will you and Alex be willing to talk about it? (Cut to Eric Kurtzke)

Eric Kurtzke:
And the obvious question is when are you going to open the studio? (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Olivia, their comments are valid, and some are true, first. Second what me and Alex have to share will be shared when we’re ready. Third and finally, I am going open the studio when Covid isn’t just gone for now, I’m talking gone for good! Gone and never coming back! (Skype like bleeps to answer a call over the internet) Oh hey Alex, we were just…What in the hell is going on? (Cut to a truly angry Chad Narducci!)

Chad Narducci:
You want to know what in the hell is going on? YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW; YOU PILE OF GARBAGE THAT DESERVES TO DIE A LONELY AND MISERABLE DEATH?! (Cut to John and Mike Santos)

John Santos:
Dude! Chill out! It’s not like James did something truly wrong. (Cut to a truly angry Chad Narducci!)

Chad Narducci:
Oh really, I come by to check up on Alex and next thing I know she’s gone! What happened? What did you do? (Cut to a very confused James)

TLOTA:
Nothing?! (Cut to a truly angry Chad Narducci!)

Chad Narducci:
BULL! EVER SINCE THE SUMMER OF 2018 YOU’VE BEEN A THORN IN MY SIDE, A THORN IN HER SIDE AND NOW SINCE SHE’S GONE YOU DON’T HAVE HER TO KEEP ME FROM TEARING INTO YOU! YOU ARE GARBAGE! YOU ARE THE LOWEST FORM OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET, PEOPLE WHO TRASH OTHER PEOPLE’S WORK BECAUSE IT MAKES YOU FEEL BIGGER AND BETTER THEN THE MOVIES, TV SERIES AND EVERYTHING ELSE YOU SLAM BECAUSE YOU ARE PATHETIC! IF YOU DESERVE ANYTHING IT’S THE SAME FATE OF ALL OF YOUR INTERNET REVIEWING FRIENDS AND OTHERS TO BE FORGOTTEN AND DIE A PATHETIC AND LONELY DEATH! (Chad logs off as it cuts to James looking confused, then defeated as he sits back in his chair. Cut to Olivia Horvath)

Olivia Horvath:
James, he… (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Made a good point. Liv, I’m not going to BS myself. Had I done things differently, then Alex’s life would be better. (Cut to Paulo and Brenda Fonseca)

Brenda Fonseca:
Don’t listen to that Disgraciado! He’s jealous of who and what you are. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
And who am I? Besides the obvious. Thought so, If I do this in September, I’ll let you know. (James shuts off the computer screen as it holds on the black for ten seconds as the review ends)

Top 10 Dumbest moments in the JAWS Movies

(0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Fade cut to James in his room at his house)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and Yeah still at home, and yeah even after my mental meltdown earlier this month, I'm still going just like a great white shark. Speaking of them, Have I ever said anything about the JAWS movies? (Cut to clips from all four of the "JAWS" movies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
And really there is a bit to like about all of them whether it's the original which had Roy Scheider as Chief Brody, Richard Dreyfuss as Matt Hooper and Robert Shaw as Quint taking on a gigantic Great White Shark that would dwarf the longest dock in the fictional Amity Island, the first sequel that had the burned shark and Chief Brody dealing with PTSD from the firstshark attack, The laughable Three Dimensional effects, story and of course Dennis Quaid in JAWS 3D, then of course there is the ridiculously hilarious melodrama and of course Michael Caine in JAWS: The Revenge. All four sprung from the story by Peter Benchley about a great white shark that decides to territorialize itself to the fictional Amity Island where it is up to local Fisherman Quint, Police Chief Brody and Marine Biologist Hooper to stop the shark and today I'm going to count down ten of the dumbest moments from all four of these movies! There will be spoilers, laughs and other moments that'll leave you wondering what they were thinking when it came to the fate of poor Bruce! (Cut to James in his room)

TLOTA:
So let's put the man in the cage, put the cage in the water, put the man in the water because the shark is in the water! Our shark and enjoy the top ten Dumbest moments from The JAWS movies! (Cut to an underwater scene as the John Williams "JAWS" theme as James says "Dumb! Dumb! Dumb! Dumb! This is totally dumb!" as different dumb scenes from the JAWS movies play over the underwater scene only for the music to reach it's crescendo it cuts to the ending of the first movie as Chief Brody shouts "Smile you son of a..." fires the gun and the Shark blows up and the words "The Top 10 Dumbest moments in the "JAWS" movies" appear then disappear and the number appears)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 10

10) The title of "JAWS: The Revenge"

(Cut to "JAWS The Revenge" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Just what is the title about? Is it a relative of the shark that's getting revenge on the Brodys for what happened in the first three movies? Is it about Ellen Brody vowing revenge on the shark that killed Sean? I don't know! The title of the last movie makes no sense. (Cut to "Siskel & Ebert" review of "JAWS: The Revenge" as they talk about the title and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Even Siskel and Ebert talked about how ridiculous the title is. (Show the Siskel & Ebert review of "JAWS: The Revenge" as they talk about how nonsensical the title is. Cut to "JAWS: The Revenge" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
A dumb title that sank the movie franchise that made no sense and made people go back to the water.

(Cut to the ending of the first movie as Chief Brody shouts "Smile you son of a..." fires the gun and the Shark blows up and the number appears)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 9

9) How Quint buys it! in "JAWS"
(Cut to "JAWS" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA(Voiceover):
Don't get me wrong, I Love how Quint buys it it's very brutal but very kind of silly in a way! But I think the fact he foretold how the shark would attack him is ridiculous. On top of that how Quint died is kind of silly. The Shark attacks the ORCA taking out the stern end of the boat as Brody and Quint try to hide in the cabin as the shark sinks the boat! A loose oxygen tank pinches Quint's hand and he loses his grip sliding down the mouth and I'll let Quint say how the shark ends him. (Show the clip of Quint as to how a shark kills intercut to Quint's death. Cut to "JAWS" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Nothing left to say except what Chief Brody said apropos! 

(Cut to Chief Brody as he says "You're gonna need a bigger boat!". Cut to the ending of the first movie as Chief Brody shouts "Smile you son of a..." fires the gun and the Shark blows up and the number appears)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 8

8) The aging of Michael and Sean Brody
(Cut to clips of the "JAWS" movies where Sean and Michael Brody are growing up as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Much like how in the "Rocky" movies when it comes to the aging of Rocky's kid, the aging of Michael and Sean Brody is wonky and makes no sense! In the first "JAWS" movie Sean is approximately 3-5 years old and Michael is 9-12 years old. Then in "JAWS 2" Michael is just a shave away from being out of High School and Sean is now a middle schooler roughly 7-9 years old. In "JAWS 3/3D" They're in their early twenties! and when "JAWS: The Revenge" happened Michael is in his late 20's early 30's and as for Sean! (Show clip of Sean Brody's death and James says "Never mind!". Cut to the two as they get older as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
While it's not as extremely dumb as say how Robert "Rocky Jr" Balboa got from an infant to a teen in the span of a few "Rocky"movies, it does take a leap of logic especially since according to the people who made "JAWS 2" that it happened not long AFTER the first movie! DOES TIME MOVE QUICKER IN MOVIES?! Not nearly the few years after the first one. Yeah it's a dumb thing to complain about but not as dumb as what we're going to be dealing with in the number 7 slot.

(Cut to the ending of the first movie as Chief Brody shouts "Smile you son of a..." fires the gun and the Shark blows up and the number appears)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 7

7) The Burned Shark from "JAWS 2" 
(Cut to every scene of "JAWS 2" with the burned shark as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA(Voiceover):
 Remember how "The Joker" in "Batman: The Dark Knight" constantly asked everyone how he got his scars? Well in the case of "JAWS 2", it's because a very dumb female boater after the shark killed a friend dumped gasoline on herself and the shark then fired a flair gun on the boat burning herself to death burning the shark and blowing the whole damned thing up straight to hell. What's crazier is the fact the burned shark survived to terrorize everyone, take a bite out of an Orca, subtle nod and killed more teens as if this was a slasher pic! WOW, there's jumping the shark then there's this!

(Cut to the ending of the first movie as Chief Brody shouts "Smile you son of a..." fires the gun and the Shark blows up and the number appears)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 6

6) Michael Caine's Magically drying shirt! from "JAWS: The Revenge"
(Cut to every scene with Michael Caine in "JAWS: The Revenge" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Before I talk about the moment I first want to say this about Michael Caine, he was good in the movie but I REALLY feel sorry for anyone who see this as their first Michael Caine movie and while he freely admitted he never saw his performance in "JAWS: The Revenge" he was glad for the payday because it paid for a house apparently. And now let me set up the moment in which if Michael did see the movie would've raised Cain at how Universal did him wrong in the movie. Caine's character of Hoagie, Michael Brody played by Lance Guest and Jake played by Mario Van Peebles who probably bitch smacked the hell out of his agent for getting him in the movie are flying to rescue Ellen from her grief and of course the shark while the plane misses the shark and hits a hard water landing. Michael and Jake of course escape and it looks like Michael Caine is Shark Chow as he famously says "Oh...shit!" and apparently goes down with the plane. However in the next scene not only does he escape the Jaws of death he does so with his shirt freshly cleaned and dried! (Cut to the "Siskel and Ebert" Review of "JAWS: The Revenge" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Again! I have to point out the Siskel & Ebert Review of this movie. It may just be one of the most honest moments about a movie the two have when it comes to A) How ridiculous it is and B) How stupid it is that they go for it with the right amount of ammo to take it down! (Show clip of the two of them talking at how the shirt is dry after he gets on the boat. Cut to Michael Caine in "JAWS: The Revenge" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA(Voiceover):
A moment so ridiculous that I'll let Michael Caine say how I feel about it!

(Cut to Michael Caine as he says "Oh...shit!". Cut to the ending of the first movie as Chief Brody shouts "Smile you son of a..." fires the gun and the Shark blows up and the number appears)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 5

(Cut to the ending of the first movie as Chief Brody shouts "Smile you son of a..." fires the gun and the Shark blows up and the number appears)

5) The usage of SeaWorld in "JAWS 3/ 3D"
(Cut to clips of Sea world in "JAWS 3/3D" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
How did Universal get SeaWorld to agree to them being in the movie? Was it because the first two movies were financially successful that Universal figured they had some leverage they could somehow convince one of the most well known Aquarium parks to film their movie there? I don't know but when I think of SeaWorld, I think Shamu, I think of the shows, the different fishes, I think of the trainers, the amazing wonders in the sea! I don't think of a Great White Shark Terrorizing patrons and said patrons, fish, trainers and wonders becoming shark chow! While it was nice to see that SeaWorld willingly promote themselves in something like this, I just think it'd be better for them to laugh at how stupid it was to have brought in the Great White Shark that haunted Amity Island!

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 4

4) The disbelief of the Shark attacking from "JAWS", "JAWS 2" & "JAWS 3/3D"

(Cut to clips of "JAWS", "JAWS 2" & "JAWS3/3D" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Now while it was understandable to a point in the first one that if people are saying that there is a shark  in your waters and one man is willing to do this for a certain fee and you do so and close the beaches until it's safe. However by the time the second movie happens and your police chief says it's a shark, I think you take it seriously, even if he is under stress, has PTSD and is willing to do what is needed to save the town! Even in SeaWorld they've got a baby great white shark (Singing "Di Doo Di doo doo doo" and muttering to himself "Damn it!")  and when it dies on their watch you don't think Mama Shark is around for vengeance after her offspring is nearby? (Cut to clips of "JAWS: The Revenge" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA(Voiceover):
This is where "JAWS The Revenge" gets a fair amount of credit when the characters discover the Shark in the Bahamas where believe it or not the Shark shouldn't survive, when it does come our heroes decide to keep it to themselves and not tell those who think they're nuts! But then again after three prior attempts to warn people about the shark coming falling on Deaf Ears, it's pretty much a case of Darwinism getting the win for having the shark chow down on the people!(Cut to clips of "JAWS", "JAWS 2" & "JAWS3/3D" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
But to those in charge, next time you hear some say that there's a killer shark in the area listen to common sense and be responsible, close the beaches, take the shark out THEN try to salvage the summer, if you can! (Cut to the clip of Mayor Vaughn saying "I don't think either one of you are familiar with our problems." and Matt Hooper responds "Uh, I Think that I am familiar with the fact that you are going to ignore this particular problem until it swims up and bites you ON THE ASS!". Cut to James physically as he says Pretty Much! Cut to the ending of the first movie as Chief Brody shouts "Smile you son of a..." fires the gun and the Shark blows up and the number appears)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 3

3) The "3D" of "JAWS 3D"
(Cut to "JAWS 3D" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA(Voiceover):
I tried to watch the 3D Aspect of the movie and all it did was leave me further unimpressed by what was a rather unimpressive sequel to the first one. Even the death of Phillip FitzRoyce played by Simon MacCorkindale in 3D was boring and believe it or not FitzRoyce's death is the most implausible death in the history of the entirety of the franchise. Wanna know how FitzRoyce buys the aquarium? Instead of chomping down on the dude, the shark swallows FitzRoyce whole using the pressure of the body to crush the dude before he can use the grenade and thus sacrificing himself to get rid of the shark and the only indicator FitzRoyce is dead is the blood coming out of the shark's gill slits! Then of course there is the infamous slow, sloow, slooow, ssslloooowww moving attack of the shark to the central command center of SeaWorld! Just watch (Show the slow motion attack of the shark as everyone reacts then the glass breaks and the shark tries to attack and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
This time the third dimension was the most boring of them all! I needed a bigger bottle of adrenaline to keep me awake watching this boring ass Shark fest!

(Cut to the ending of the first movie as Chief Brody shouts "Smile you son of a..." fires the gun and the Shark blows up and the number appears)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 2

2) The Roaring Shark and Jake's survival from "JAWS The Revenge"

(Cut to clips of "JAWS The Revenge" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
This is more towards the end of "JAWS The Revenge" so there are spoilers here. You have been warned. Okay so here's the scenario as it has been so far. The Shark nearly killed Thea Brody played by the late Judith Barsi. Leaving grief stricken Ellen to try and fight the shark on her own. After the aforementioned moment in which Michael, Jake and Hoagie and everything that happened in the number 6 spot happened and of course Hoagie's magically drying shirt. Jake and Michael decide to feed him a McGuffin device that supposedly sends electrical impulses to the inside of something and in this case it's the shark and while it appears Jake has bought the Aquarium. Michael has had enough and decided to fire Jake's McGuffin device and then... (Cut to the roaring shark scene).  You heard it here, The shark roars like a mix between a lion, Godzilla, King Kong, and a T-REX! Thus we have the start of the stupidity of the ending. As the shark buys it, It looks like Hoagie, Mike and Ellen kill the beast once and for all when as if by magic Jake survives his death sentence at the mouth of the shark. This is dumb but it also leads to what is at the number one spot!

(Cut to the ending of the first movie as Chief Brody shouts "Smile you son of a..." fires the gun and the Shark blows up and the number appears)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And the Number one dumbest moment in the entirety of the JAWS franchise IS... (Cut to the endings of the all four of the movies as the shark meets it's fate and James does a voiceover)

1) The way the shark buys it!

TLOTA (Voiceover):
From which of the four movies? Take your pick because they all go out the same way! And the first movie's ending pretty much set up the precedent for the rest of the movies would go down! Here's the scenario by the point the ending is set up. Quint is dead, Hooper is indisposed possibly shark chow, The Orca is sinking like a rock and in comes the shark to come after Chief Brody when he decides to put a compressed air tank down the shark's mouth. Armed with a gun and a spear to try and kill the damned thing with the spear hoping to kill it that way, when the spear failed it was up to a gun and a prayer that he'd hit it in the right place and the shark would go kerblammo! And while yeah it was a feel good awesome moment, the Mythbusters Team demystified it, it also gave the producers a bar to see if they could top in a sequel. Which gave us a partly burned shark which looked bad after multiple viewings the shark got to ride the lightning which was the equivalent of blowing the shark up from the inside out but this time with electricity! JAWS 3/3D had the shark go boom thanks to a grenade in the hand of a dead Simon MacCorkindale character and because of the 3D we saw a pair of the Sharks Jaws pop out! Subtle! Then again the Shark goes kerboom in "JAWS The Revenge" HOW DID THE SHARK EXPLODE IN "JAWS THE REVENGE"?! WAS THE DEVICE THAT JAKE MADE HAD AN EXPLOSIVE IN IT? I JUST THOUGHT IT WOULD'VE SHOCKED THE HELL OUT OF IT! However there is an alternate version of the ending out there where The Shark just gets stabbed and dies, demolishing the boat and the shark goes down to the bottom of the sea! But somehow people wanted the shark to go boom! It really does show how dumb these movies get. Even the late Peter Benchley found the exploding shark ending in the first movie to be preposterously stupid! So for those who think Jumping The Shark was what kills movies or TV Shows, I hate to say you're wrong but when you blow up the shark that kills anything is without question, THE SINGLE DUMBEST MOMENT IN ALL OF THE JAWS MOVIES! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Are there any moments from The JAWS movies that missed the Darwin award, then let me know in the comments section below. As for my thoughts on the series as a whole. (Cut to clips of the JAWS movies as James does a voiceover) 

TLOTA (Voiceover):
On a movie to movie basis I can say that everyone of them have ups and downs some a few more downs. The first one remains a classic because there was an emphasis on story, characters, action, adventure, the humorous moments what few there were, the score by John Williams, everything worked about the movie. The second one is a worthy continuation and a great popcorn slasher film if you're into that sort of thing. While a lot of the third and fourth movies made up a majority of this list, it depends on what your tastes are. Whether you're in the mood for something scary that becomes so silly or so caught up in it's own melodrama that it becomes a silly parody of the first one but with none of the originality. But if they're your cup of Shark Fin Soup then check them out and like them Dumb moments and all! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:

I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That's my opinion!

"Birds" attacking me! "Prey" for me!

(Scene begins with a laser hitting a slab of Titanium as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as three shadowed figures with a lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be James Faraci in the center, Paulo Fonseca on the right and Rebecca Yaun on the left as their names appear above the characters. As the three run out of frame moving forward, four more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear and the shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on the right, Nick Yaun on the left and John and Mike Santos and their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving forward, five more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as they reveal themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on the right, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion on the left and Olivia Horvath appear in the center as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame credits of “Written and directed by James Faraci, Edited by Eric Kurtzke, Makeup by Olivia Horvath Produced by First Choice Productions” as it ends the Laser beam disappears and at the 0:28 mark of the theme song the words “The” “Last” “Of” “The” appear. At the 0:32-0:36 mark the word “Americans” start to come forward as it pulls down and  James’ Morpher and Sonic Screwdriver is flung into frame as James grabs both and morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Fade cut to James in his room at his house and he is in tears and continues to cry as he holds up the case for “Birds Of Prey & The Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn”)

TLOTA (While crying):

Mommy! I don’t wanna watch movies anymore! (James continues to cry as it cuts to the title card of “Birds Of Prey & The Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn” and clips of the movie as James continues to cry! Cut to the clip from MST3K of Joel and The Bots host segment “The Castle Of Fu Manchu” and they openly cry and breakdown. Cut to more clips of the movie as James continues to cry. Cut to James as he regains some of his composure.)

TLOTA:

Let’s not waste time, this… is… (James returns to crying as he tries to say, “Birds Of Prey & The Fantabulous Emancipation Of One Harley Quinn”! James cries “NO!” repeatedly for five seconds. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

So the movie starts four years after The Suicide Squad defeated The Enchantress as we discover Harley Quinn once again played by Margot Robbie after The Joker gave her the boot as she gets over the loss. She moves with a Taiwanese Restauranteur by the name of Doc and cuts her hair and adopts a hyena and names it Bruce Wayne in addition, she’s into Roller Der… (Audio of James crying cuts James off. Cut to James physically as he continues to cry for a minute then regains what little composure he can have after the year he’s had)

TLOTA:

I’m sorry, it’s just that OY FRIGGIN GAVALT! I HATE THIS YEAR! LAST YEAR ENDED WITH ME SAYING GOODBYE TO MY OLDEST BROTHER BECAUSE HE DIED, THIS YEAR MY SISTER SUFFERS A PAIN THAT HURT ME, THIS VIRUS FORCED ME TO SEND MY TEAM HOME AND SHUT DOWN MY STUDIO, I HAD GREAT IDEAS FOR THIS YEAR WHICH I HAD TO CANCEL THEM. BUT WHAT DO I DO?! I DEAL WITH THE WORST IN MOVIES, THE WORST IN POP CULTURE AND NOW WITH THE WHOLE WORLD GETTING DUMBER! I HAVE TO SIT AND WATCH THE DECLINE OF THE ENTIRE PLANET ON A GOD DAMNED MOVIE! WHY AM I BEING MADE TO SUFFER EVERY GOD DAMNED SECOND? IS IT BECAUSE I’M A 2+2=4 COMMON SENSE PERSON? IS IT BECAUSE I’M SOMEONE ACCORDING TO THE MAINSTREAM NEWS A PART OF EVIL BECAUSE I SUPPORT COMMON SENSE AND DIPLOMACY? IS IT BECAUSE SO MANY IN MY PROFESSION ARE SEEING ME AS AN ASSHOLE AND NOT THE DECENT GUY THAT I AM! AND YET IN SPITE OF IT ALL, AFTER EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD I STILL DO MY DUTIES BECAUSE I’M JAMES FRIGGIN FARACI THE LAST OF THE GOD DAMNED FRIGGIN DECENT, INTELLIGENT, HARD WORKING AMERICANS! (James screams like a madman and collapses. James’ right hand raises up and he picks himself back off from the floor, sighs and fully regains his composure)

TLOTA:

You know, after that, I feel as if I might just get through this turkey! Let’s do it! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

One night, Harley is at a nightclub owned by Roman Sionis played by Ewan Mcgregor while in a very intoxicated state Harley cripples Roman’s driver after being an asshole to her. It’s while she’s at the club she meets Dinah Lance played by Jurnee Smollett-Bell who saves Harley from being abducted! Even after leaving The Joker she can’t keep herself from getting into trouble. But Roman decides to make Dinah his new driver just as Renee Montoya played by the awesome Rosie Perez continues looking for a mob murderer who uses crossbows to kill their prey and a bombing at the Ace Chemical treatment plant. Finding Harley’s Necklace at the bombing Montoya confronts Harley who admits she bombed the Chemical plant and fears that Harley is in danger. Montoya decides to go to the one person who can help, Dinah who promptly tells Montoya to take a hike on the proposal to become an informant on Sionis. Instead loaded on non-lethal grenade rounds Dinah and Victor Zsasz played by Chris Messina go looking for a diamond embedded in it is the account numbers for the Bertinelli Crime Family. However a young pickpocket by the name of Cassandra Cain takes the diamond and swallows it. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:

That’s gonna be rough on the digestive track! (James’ stomach churns) Speaking of digestive tracks mine has been kicking my ass. I need to poop and afterwards I’ll check out something in my palate cleansing then get back to the movie! I’ll be back! (Cut to James as he runs to the bathroom, the scene fades to black then cuts to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to James as he watches the 2002 TV Series “Birds Of Prey” on DVD)

TLOTA:

Yeah, I’m watching the “Birds Of Prey” tv series from 2002, I liked the show more than I do this movie! You got a problem with it, kiss my ass while I’m on the toilet! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

After escaping from Sionis, Harley and Cassandra decide to hide at Harley’s place just as Doc is approached as to who the “Crossbow Killer” is. Doc tells that it’s Helena Bertinelli otherwise known as “The Huntress” played by Mary Elizabeth Winstead and Doc sells the two out which leads to Harley’s apartment being blown to bits! Pissed as all get out, Harley contacts Roman for protection and to hand Cassandra to Roman. Dinah spills to Montoya about Roman’s plans but Zsasz finds out and tells Sionis who now dons his ritualistic “Black Mask”. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:

You’re probably wondering why I’m not in a foaming frenzy about how comic inaccurate things are in the movie. Well everyone who is a comic book fan knows how inaccurate things are and here is the mentality the fans have towards Warner Bros. and DC’s Live Action Movie Division. (Cut to the MST3K Clip from “Attack Of The Eye Creatures” in which Joel and the bots say “THEY JUST DIDN’T CARE!”. Cut to James physically) And if the fans believe DC and Warners just don’t care then why should I get upset at their stupidity! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Harley makes it to the park as does Montoya but Montoya is taken out momentarily by Harley as Zsasz tranqs Harley, holds Dinah at Gunpoint and is killed by Helena. Harley wakes up just as Roman and his crew known as the False Face Society. However our makeshift group of heroes come together with Harley’s old gear to whoop ass and to be honest, this is so underwhelming that it bores me, even when Dinah unleashes her Canary Scream! Harley and Dinah go after Roman confronting him as he holds Cassandra Cain hostage on the pier at the park. However Cassandra pulls a ring that was in Roman’s Jacket that was connected to a grenade and well The Wind Up, The Pitch and Boom goes The Black Mask! After that, Montoya quits the force, joins with Dinah and Helena to become a vigilante group known as “The Birds Of Prey” funded by the money and the account number that was hidden inside the diamond and Harley and Cassandra go into the Contract Killing business. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:

And of course we have our obligatory post credit scene! (Show Post credit scene of Harley about to reveal a secret about Batman but is cut off. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:

I just don’t care about what it was! This movie made it hard for me to care because it was so stupid I had to cry! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

“Birds Of Prey & The Fantabulous Emancipation Of One Harley Quinn” may just be one of those movies I wouldn’t recommend to my worst enemies to watch! It is so bad it’s on Cool Cat levels of bad, it’s almost as bad as the RVD Extreme Comedy Championship series! If a friend could come by and brought it with them, I guarantee not only would my friend be shown the door, they’d be shown the door with the movie shoved where the sun doesn’t shine! But then again what would I expect from DC’s latest Live Action Movies, but if what they’re saying about Wonder Woman 1984 and Flashpoint then maybe this will be the last time I have to deal with this horridness in my lifetime! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going heavy into my palate cleanse until later this month! I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that’s my opinion!

Connect The Plots: How DC had a shared universe and didn't capitalize on it

(0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Fade cut to James in his room at his house)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and Yeah still at home, but thankfully I can still "Connect The Plots"!(Cut to a scene of James trying to connect certain things together like the theatrical version of "Halloween: The Curse Of Michael Myers" & "Halloween: H20", All the movie adaptations of Stephen King, Superman Returns to the original Salkind Superman movies, the first three X-Men movies to the newer ones and the "Wolverine" & "Deadpool" movies before cutting to James strapped down in a straight jacket all the while a kid sings "Connect The Plots La-La-La!" before panning down to see anything that might have a minor connection spell the words "Connect The Plots" before cutting to every single movie in the MCU and the recent DC Movies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

With Marvel now officially the dominant Comic Book movie production company it seems that DC's movies are on life support and their recent movies haven't helped at all as they've been trying to play "Keeping Up With The Jonses" even though they claim "We're gonna do our own thing" it's clear that they're still fighting Marvel with every tactic they and the corporate execs with the charts, the graphs, the test audience scores they have and it's clear the tactics they have aren't working. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And believe it or not, they had the makings of a DC Movie Shared Universe with two movies that came out back to back! (Show title cards of "Batman Begins" & "Superman Returns", cut to clips of both movies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
These two like "Iron Man" & The other movies in the First Phase of The MCU could have been the starting point of DC's Connected Movie Universe, instead one went into a different direction and the other went by the wayside. But there is a linking moment that does happen and it happens in Superman Returns. I'll get to it in a moment.(Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
For now, let's focus on where they could've started with Batman Begins! (Cut to Title Card of "Batman Begins" then clips of "Batman Begins" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
It is here that this is where their movie universe could've started for all intent and purposes a reboot of "Batman" and it wasn't connected to the Batman 1989 and the movies and guess what they could've done anything to slowly start their connected universe. By having a character make a reference that while Bruce was gone twice as long as that a certain "Big Blue Boy Scout" had been gone. But that is where I would've made the reference and guess what then build and make the Batman up for the rest of the movie. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And here is where it goes in with Superman Returns and for those of you who have seen it, I will be talking about one scene in particular. (Cut to "Superman Returns" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
In the scene after Lex takes the Kryptonite at the Daily Planet people are excited at Superman's return and at one point Gotham is mentioned though briefly. No mention of Bruce Wayne or Batman which is a mistake in my opinion. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And also what was a mistake was releasing Superman Returns right after "Batman Begins", I have my reasons! Let me explain! (Cut to stills of other DC properties that got a movie before the DCEU and characters that should've gotten a movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
To me they should've built up other heroes like Wonder Woman before the DCEU, Heroes like Green Lantern without having Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively in the role. Okay granted I wouldn't have casted Jack Black in there but still it would've been a good idea to have some unknown in terms of real acting like Mike "The Miz" Mizanin. An Aquaman movie which would been like the first Thor Movie but wouldn't have an exact duplicate of the first Thor movie, I would've also hired Joshua Jackson from "The Mighty Ducks" and "Dawson's Creek" as Barry Allen AKA The Flash and in his movie I would've gone through his origin and all that did happen in the first season of what would be the first season of The Flash series with Grant Gustin on the CW save for the season finale, then released "Superman Returns" and have Kevin Spacey's Lex Luthor be rescued by the villain of the "Aquaman" and build to a Justice League movie that wasn't a complete and total clusterbank to sit through. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
However that never happened as "The Dark Knight" came out that killed any future DC Movies until the finale of The Christopher Nolan "Batman" movie series happened and we all know what happened afterwards with both DC and Marvel Movies. DC went downwards and Marvel went up until... (Show poster of "Avengers: Endgame" and the fact it bears on it "The No. 1 Highest Grossing Movie Ever!" Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
Do I hope DC can truly capitalize on a Shared Movie Universe. Well if the stories of "Flashpoint" being the reboot so the DCEU can wipe out a lot of the crap that happened with the exception being that of the Wonder Woman movie, maybe, Just maybe DC can get back in the race. But for now... (Cut to clips of "Batman Begins" & "Superman Returns" as James does a brief voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
I can say I enjoyed these movies for what they are and what they could've started if DC had pulled the trigger. If you think that there is some validity to what I'm talking about, check them out and see what should've been the start of the real DCEU! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to set up a palate cleanser list of tv series and movies to watch after what I have to deal with next month! I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion!