Ten of my Favorite Episodes of "Life As A Mermaid"

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James physically in his office)

TLOTA:

I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and The views I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. If I didn't make it crystal clear last year I really, really, REALLY love the series "Life As A Mermaid"! (Cut to clips of "Life As A Mermaid" while the music from the opening credits to the show is being played in the foreground as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Conceived by the very talented Julia Alexa Miller & Chad Narducci, based on a story by Ryan Patton with the series mainly written by Yale Apter & Holden Weihs with the series primarily directed by Julia Alexa Miller and produced by Validus Productions. The series follows two mermaids. Madison played by Taylor Huff and her sister Valerie played by Marcella Di Pasquale and the adventures they have in our world with their friends. It may sound simple however there is so much greatness in the simplicity and there's a lot to like about the show. The writing is incredibly strong, the acting is phenomenal, the production value might not be Hollywood level but it is so damned impressive it gives Hollywood a run for it's money and as of this post, they're getting ready for their fourth season which for me is great because I hope they continue this great series. But for now I'm celebrating the series so far by counting down my favorite episodes, minisodes & specials from one of the best series on YouTube out there. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:

But let me suffix this now, I will possibly revive this list later on down the line. In addition I will eventually be doing mini-reviews of the seasons and for those who haven't seen the series, well... Doctor if you would. (Cut to a clip of  the Doctor Who Christmas Special "The Husbands Of River Song" as The Doctor says "Spoilers" and looks out to the landscape of Darillium before cutting to James physically) Thank You Doctor. This is a list of my Ten favorite episodes of "Life As A Mermaid"  (Cut to clips of "Life As A Mermaid" while the music from the opening credits to the show is being played in the foreground before cutting to the title card and then the bubbles putting the words "Top Ten of The Last Of The Americans" on top of the title and on the bottom of the title the words "Favorite Episodes" before cutting to a pile of bubbles before showing the number)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Number Ten

10) "Captivity" from Season Two (Cut to clips from the episode as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

As Madison's quest to rescue her sister continues. Madison and her friends take Stanley played by Cambell Dodson who happen to be with the bad guys this season as their hostage. Not even kidding this is one, Nat played by Maria Feist even threatens to... well (Show clip of Nat threatening to turn Stanley's head into a Chili Bowl before cutting to James scared out of his Marbles screaming "YOWZA!" before returning to the episode as James continues his voiceover) Eventually the team get Stanley to turn on those who dragged him into the events of this season and we get a great moment where we see the start of the romantic relationship between Madison & Will played by Nick Slimmer and we get a great moment of development from Stanley (Show moment in where Stanley tells his story as to why he was during the season and the moment when he turns to Madison's side.) This is one of the best ways to turn one of the bad guys into one of the good guys without some convoluted plot device. Just by simply talking with someone to help them out. An overall great episode from this great series and worthy of my list.

(Fade to black before cutting to a pile of bubbles before showing the number)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Number Nine

9) "Aquanania" (Cut to "Aquanania" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Believe it or not, their first holiday special nearly made this list but I'm saving it for later on in the year. What puts this special so close to the bottom of the list is the fact is that it's fairly recent. But WOW is it enjoyable. We discover that Stanley will enjoy any holiday on the Calendar and one of the holidays that Madison and Valerie celebrate. A two week blowout that gives Hanukkah and Christmas a run for it's money. Aquanania and instead of me telling you about it, lets just have Madison and Valerie explain their holiday! (Cut to Madison and Valerie as they talk about Aquanania intercut with the others reacting and James nodding his head as if to say "Yeah, I'm following" all the way through to the end before cutting to James physically as a flag comes out of each of James' ears a Cuckoo Bird goes "Cuckoo" coming off of James' scalp and a noise maker from a party is seen as crazy music is playing in the foreground before cutting to "Aquanania" and James continues a voiceover) So if you followed all of that congratulations are in order for you clearly are able to understand the holiday but there is a nice scene that might play into the season coming up where Madison gives Will a mystical pager of sorts. A good set up for the next season worthy of my list.

(Fade to black before cutting to a pile of bubbles before showing the number)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Number 8

8) "Stranded" from Season 2

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Following the end of the last episode this picks up with Madison, Nat and Liam stuck on the side of the road and Valerie is stuck for most of the season with Astrid, Jed and Stanley until he turns on Astrid and Jed but that's something I already talked about. We soon discover that Liam is not the smartest Squid in the school. Plus after seeing Madison as a threat to every guy Nat talked to in the last season. The two slowly but surely start to become friends and by the end of the season the two have a good and practical bond.Their friendship is on par like the one between Mary Richards & Rhoda Morgenstern or Lucy Ricardo & Ethel Mertz, and if that sounds like sacrilege then feel free to let me have it in the comment section. However the point I'm trying to make is that some good definitely came from this episode helped get the character of Nat heading in the right direction and totally worthy of being on this list.

(Fade to black before cutting to a pile of bubbles before showing the number)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Number Seven

7) Return Of The Fish & Fish Out Of The Water from Season 2

TLOTA (Voiceover):
These two episode serves not only as a great introductory to new characters Liam played by Diego Torres Kuri, the aforementioned Valerie and Astrid played by Brie Kristiansen and a great re-introductory episode to Madison, Nat, Stanley & Jed played by Garrett Schecher. It also serves as a great introductory episode to those who may have never seen the show. This also sets up the story of the season in which Astrid is out to capture either Madison or Valerie and sell them on the black market. Plus the introduction of Valerie gave Madison some development towards giving her someone to take care of and part of the reason I know this was a great episode from a great season? (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I helped make this season possible! They had a Kickstarter for the second season and after watching season one. I saw something great in this and I said to myself it'd be awesome for me to invest into this and it paid off in spades! Not only did the second season prove to be viable that they decided to go for a third season  they're still doing this series and I feel glad to have helped make the second season possible.

(Fade to black before cutting to a pile of bubbles before showing the number)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Number 6

6) Mermaid Origins (Cut to clips of Mermaid Origins as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Acting as a bridging special between Season 2 & 3 this sets up where Madison and Valerie are now. Using the magic mirror they've set up a nice little pad in a pool when a fan named Eve played by Alison Livas finds her life boring and wants to be a mermaid. But fearing what might happen the three struggle for control when... (Show moment when The Magic Mirror breaks and Madison disappears before cutting to clips of Mermaid Origins as James does a voiceover) WOW! This definitely a unique way to help build interest to the next season. Wondering the fate of our protagonist, making us worry whether or not there will be consequences for what Eve did and wondering who and what will our heroes face and yes while this does a great job of building Madison and Valerie's journey along with some of the others for this season. Join me in the number five spot to see the start of one character's developmental journey for the next season begin for him.

(Fade to black before cutting to a pile of bubbles before showing the number)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Number Five

5) "Valentine's Day"

(Cut to clips of "Valentine's Day" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

While Madison and Nat are the center of the comedic part of the episode especially when it comes to Madison learning how to bake. We see frustration from Will as he wants to do what normal couples do, you know like hiking, dancing and what have you not. (Cut to James physically as it gets dark and he steps out of his studio before cutting to a gigantic number 4 shadowing the building and blocking the sun before cutting to James)

TLOTA:
WOW! Now that is foreshadowing! (Boos are heard as James runs back into his studio quickly before things get tossed his way then cutting back to "Valentine's Day" as James does his voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

While Mermaid Origins set up so many of the characters we know. This minisode sets Will's Character development for the next season. Because what happens to Will and Madison in that next season? (Show clips of Madison and Will doing all the things he wanted to do with her before cutting to James as the Stargate from 2001: A Space Odyssey opens up behind him and he's thrown backwards into it as James screams and the word "PAYOFF!" is thrown forward as James shouts from a distance "MY GOD WAS THAT COSMIC!" before cutting to clips of "Valentine's Day" as James does a voiceover.) Who'd think that something as simple as a short would lead to the start of a character's development? Definitely makes this Valentine's Day worthy of the number five spot.

(Fade to black before cutting to a pile of bubbles before showing the number)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Number Four

4) Lost from Season Three

(Cut to clips of "Lost" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Following "Mermaid Origins", we had NO idea what would happen. When this episode debuted we discovered that not only would Madison suffer the consequences for what just happened we also discovered where she wound up. At first it looked like a water dimension and it looks amazingly awesome. Kudos to Chad Narducci for creating this amazing effects for this moment but we soon also meet our antagonist for the season, The Barnacle King played by John Berchtold and his associate Blobert the Blob Fish played by Seye Ogunnaike and right from the start The Barnacle King comes off as a really big Smelthead! (Record scratches as The Barnacle King turns towards the camera)

The Barnacle King:

Excuse me, but what did you call me trash breather? (Cut to James physically as he looks confused then comes to the realization of who The Barnacle King is talking to him.)

TLOTA:

Oh you're talking to me. I called you out as what you truly are inside and that is a Smelthead! (Cut to Blobert and The Barnacle King)

The Barnacle King:

First off trash breather, I am not a Smelthead. I am The Barnacle King! I will be heralded as the savior of the ancient Aegean Relics, the hero who will save the oceans from you trash breathers. The... (Cut to James)

TLOTA:

The Biggest Smelthead to get on my bad side and let me tell you it's unwise to get on my bad side!(Cut to Blobert and The Barnacle King)

The Barnacle King:

STOP CALLING ME A SMELTHEAD! I AM...(Cut to James)

TLOTA:

A Smelthead who is poking this bull one too many times and is looking to get the horns shoved up his little blowhole! (Cut to Blobert and The Barnacle King)

The Barnacle King:

You know something I've got a lot to do and have no time to deal with you, Trash Breather! Come Blobert! (The clip returns to normal as it cuts to later in the episode as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

We're also introduced to someone who could've been just as big a smelthead as The Barnacle King but proves to be of more help as the season goes on. Beatrice played by Fleur Zanna. Her backstory is that she did somethings that the Council of Mer disapproved of and has since then used the magic of her people as an Homeopathic healer to get by in our world. But as things are looking up for Madison after being trapped in that Water Dimension she escapes and is quickly reunited with Valerie & Nat until... (Show clip of Madison losing her tail and The Barnacle King looking pleased at what he did and what in his mind he's gonna do.) WOW, talk about a way to start the season off with a Whopper of a bang. This is how an incredible season can kick start itself into Uber-Strong territory!

(Fade to black before cutting to a pile of bubbles before showing the number)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Number Three

3) Adrift from Season Three
(Cut to clips of Adrift as James does a Voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
While Stanley is disguised as a Sea Cucumber to gain the confidence of that Smelthead Barnacle King and to help Madison, Beatrice and Nat stop him, we get a moment that we wouldn't see on a network show like this. (Show moment in which Madison dreams about the ocean and some mermaids) This is writing on the same level as something from "Avatar: The Last Airbender" while there's not one word of dialogue, it's not needed, we're looking into Madison's mind and we're seeing the family and friends she left behind and what they mean to her and if they can't stop The Barnacle King will never see again! That is levels of depth deeper than the Mariana's Trench and believe it or not that moment wasn't written into the episode and was shot and edited in a day before the episode aired and would you believe the mermaids in this moment is simply Julia Alexa Miller and Marcella Di Pasquale? Though our heroes obtain the Pearl of Light that Clam is protecting and the episode ends on a happy note, the moment in which we look in Madison's head was the moment that made me realize there was more to the series than people give it credit for and so worthy of making it this high on the list.

(Fade to black before cutting to a pile of bubbles before showing the number)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Number Two

2) Locked Out from Season Three

(Cut to clips of Locked Out as James does a Voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

 To me this was the perfect "Empire Strikes Back"-esque episode to lead to the season's finale. We discover the what, whys and hows of The Barnacle King's reason for his plans and what he hopes will happen (Show clip of The Barnacle King saying what he hopes the Council will praise him and make him a merman before a record scratches as Valerie and Will angrily walk in as Valerie forces The Barnacle King to sit down)

Valerie:

You stay right there. (Cut to Will.)

Will:
Stanley, Help the others! (Stanley runs off in fear as it cuts to Valerie holding down The Barnacle King to his seat)

Valerie:
AND YOU! (Cut to James looking and physically reacting and pointing towards himself before cutting back to Valerie, Will and The Barnacle King.) Yeah You, you sit there and shut up because I know what you're about to say and I think it'd be fair if someone who has been dealing with his antics this entire time to tell this Smelthead off! Because this pile of smelt thinks that causing MASS GENOCIDE by dividing the land and water forever is gonna earn him favor with the council?

The Barnacle King:

Mass Genocide? Of what a couple hundred... (Will grabs The Barnacle King's shirt)

Will:

SEVEN BILLION PEOPLE! Not to mention every plant & animal will be destroyed, all just so you can get a tail and mermaids to love you. ARE YOU ON SOMETHING?

The Barnacle King:

Yeah a mission to...

Valerie and Will (in Unison):

TO KILL EVERY LIVING THING ON EARTH

The Barnacle King:

Well at least the ocean life will stand a chance. No more Trash Breathers like him destroying my home with his oil drilling, his dumping toxic waste into the oceans, him using my home to test his destructive powers. I'd be doing the oceans a favor. (Will stands there shaking in just sheer shock and anger and Valerie is sitting there in utter shock.)

Will:

Really? You...(Will spazzes out before Valerie calms him down) The Barnacle King the hottest Smelt in the ocean, believes committing Mass Genocide. Killing every living thing on the planet will be doing the oceans a favor? (Will and Valerie chuckles for two seconds before cutting to The Barnacle King chuckling before cutting to Valerie and Will snapping)

Valerie & Will (In Unison):
YOUR PLAN IS STUPID!

Valerie:
WHAT IN THE NAME OF NEPTUNE'S BUTTHOLE ARE YOU THINKING?!

Will:
AMANDA WALLER'S PLANS FROM SUICIDE SQUAD SOUNDS MORE SANE AND RATIONAL IN COMPARISON AND EVEN LEGO BATMAN THOUGHT IT WAS AN INSANELY STUPID IDEA AND THAT WAS A KID'S FILM! AND IF YOU THINK SOMEONE SHOULDN'T BE GIVING YOU A FREAK OUT THAT YOU DESERVE WELLLLL THEN ALLOW US TO GIVE YOU THE FREAKOUT YOU FREAKING DESERVE. YOU FREAKING SMELTHEAD!

Valerie:
THE ONLY THING YOU DESERVE IS TO BE HUNG BY YOUR SOUTHERN BARNACLES AND HAVE THE SMELT BEATEN OUT OF YOU LIKE A PINATA!

Will:
HOW DARE YOU THINK YOURSELF SOME SORT OF HERO LIKE AQUAMAN OR NAMOR THE SUB-MARINER OR EVERYONE AT PETA OR SMELT IT EVEN THOSE PEOPLE WHO ARE TRYING TO STOP THE WHALERS ON THAT REALITY SHOW. YOU ARE NO DIFFERENT THAN US "TRASH BREATHERS" AND IF YOU THINK THE MASS GENOCIDE OF EVERY LAND CREATURE WILL MAKE YOU A HERO? WELL THEN HAVE WE GOT NEWS FOR YOU SMELTHEAD! YOU'LL BE NOT ONLY DESTROYING OUR HOME BUT YOURS AS WELL! BUT DOES THAT MATTER TO YOU SMELLLT NO! ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS GETTING RID OF YOUR BARNACLES AND GETTING A MERMAID YOU SELFISH PILE OF SMELT!

Valerie:
AND IF YOUR BIG BLOBFISH-ISH FRIEND WASN'T GOING TO CALL YOU OUT ON IT THAN WE'RE MORE THAN GLAD TO CALL YOU OUT ON YOUR MASS GENOCIDE EQUALLING BEING A HERO IDEA! YOU IDIOTICALLY ILLOGICAL IMBECILIC STUPID WITLESS OBTUSE ASININE MINDLESS MORONIC SMELTHEAD! (Blobert walks in casually)

Blobert The Blob Fish:

First off, I think you two may have chewed him out so much it's a miracle there's anything left of him standing and secondly, I was going to call him out in the next episode. Would it be alright if I did so?

Valerie:

Yeah, sure.

Blobert The Blob Fish:

Thank you. Your associate wants to return and finish the scene.

Valerie and Will (in unison):

No problem. (Stanley returns in as Valerie and Will walk away)

The Barnacle King:

Do you two Feel better? (Valerie and Will say "Yeah!" off screen)

The Barnacle King:
Can we continue as we were meant to?

Stanley:

I was just thinking that. (The clip returns to normal as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Plus we see Valerie and Will realizing how bad they've been to Madison this season. While it appears that The Barnacle King may have gotten the upper hand trust me his victory won't last for long.

(Fade to black before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA:
Before we get to Number one, let's go through the Honorable Mentions and Yeah, I've got a lot of 'em! (Show clips of episodes James mentions as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Season One) Just season one. It was pure straight up fun to watch and see the seeds of greatness begin to germinate."In the Net") While the episode is a good one, the ending is worth mentioning as it sends the storyline of the season into overdrive and it doesn't come down until the finale. Speaking of the finale of the second season it too is on my Honorable Mentions List. Talk about a way to end a season. It ties up all the loose threads and keeps the door open for another season and that's not a bad thing! 

"The Lagoon") Following "Lost" Madison gets Will and the others to help stop The Barnacle King and it sets Valerie's Character Development for the season into motion. To learn about the mystical side of being a mermaid and sends everyone else out to get the relics before The Barnacle King obtains them also I loved it when that Smelthead Barnacle King got sent flying! 

"Mermaid Rescue") With Nat, Liam and Stanley trapped on an island, it's up to Will to rescue Madison and Valerie and it shows how the relationship between Madison and Will began to take further shape plus we see a great conversation between Madison and Valerie about humanity and while it might take Valerie a while to believe in them. When Will comes in to save them it shows that there's more to the guy than what there was in his initial introduction. 

"Stanley's Story") While this does show what Stanley's home life was like and why the way he is. What makes it an honorable mention is the fact that he breaks the fourth wall in the ending wondering what the audience's deal is? 

"Mermaid Transformations") Talk about a mid-season finale. While the team get the relics away from The Barnacle King and Valerie and Beatrice repair the Mirror a new force of darkness take the relics save for the Mirror. Also we get a glimpses of how Will had been hoping that Madison could keep this Status Quo and how Valerie wants to return Madison back to her mermaid self against Madison's wishes and how both Will and Valerie are the extremes that are in Madison's life at that point. But for me, the best moment was the opening battle between Madison and her friends against The Barnacle King and Blobert. The highlight of it being when Madison sends The Barnacle King rocketing to the middle of Palookaville! If you can't tell I liked it when The Barnacle King gets his backside handed to him on a Platter! 

"Potions and Other Magic") While Valerie's journey to restore the magic mirror continues, Beatrice seems to be making a cheap and quick buck for her own purposes all the while we get spin-off set up from Stanley's conspiracy liking friends and comedic hijinks with Blobert and The Barnacle King as they get a relic. 

"The Forbidden Pool") As Valerie continues to work on restoring the Magic Mirror, Madison and her friends are trapped on the same boat with the Barnacle King trying to get the same Relic. Hilarity and awkwardness ensues. 

"The Sunken House") A Valerie centered episode which gives Will some development realizing he'd been as big a Smelthead as The Barnacle King and we see who has the relics and my kudos goes out to Marcella Di Pasquale for being so awesomely good in this episode telling Will off and to Nick Slimmer for bringing a sort of unique spin on his character's development. 

"Divided") After the events of "Mermaid Transformations" We discover how Beatrice lost her tail and Madison decides for the team to split their time between finding out what happened to the Relics and stopping the next phase of The Barnacle King's plans. Team Madison decide to recruit Stanley to join The Barnacle King while Team Valerie tries to discover what came out of the pool and what took the relics. Also a great Cameo by Taylor and Vanessa. 

"Mermaid Sushi") Stanley comes up with a simpler plan than what Astrid has got planned by selling Valerie to Stanley's old boss while Madison starts to get to know Will a little better plus they capture Stanley as Jed and Astrid get away with Valerie. 

"Dead End") While Will was physically seen in the episode "In The Net", we are introduced to Will in better form and we do get to understand why Valerie isn't so keen on the human race. 

"Bait") As Stanley quickly becomes friends with Madison, Nat, Liam and Will. We also see why Will is the way he is. 

"Valerie's Merman Boyfriend") An interesting idea to see Valerie finding someone out there for her. While it turns out to be Valerie's fantasy to show her friends what she had hoped would happen on February 14th and there is a seed for a good idea for her character's development for next season.

"The Island") A perfunctory finale worthy of an awesome season. Madison, Valerie & Will find Nat, Liam and Stanley. Jed decides to head for the mountains. Valerie gives the human race a second chance and we even discover where Astrid landed (Superb cameo from Julia Alexa Miller by the by). Stanley is somewhat forgiven for his actions during the season and overall a great way to close out the season and while my stance on what is next may change after season four, for now I give you...

(Fade to black before cutting to a pile of bubbles before showing the number)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

My Number One favorite episode of "Life As A Mermaid"...

1) Battle To Save The Sea

TLOTA (Voiceover):
This was the definition of Epic! With the land and water separated and Madison feeling about as bad as she could feel realizing her hopes and dreams of uniting land and water in harmony apparently dashed to bits. Her friends rally to help her get back up and go after The Barnacle King who has summoned... HOKAY! PANTS OFFICIALLY DARKENED! Say hello to Mantis! This thing is powerful, It can grow into giant kaiju size and still not be stopped and as it looked like our heroes are done for until Will reclaims the Chronofish, restores the Mirror once again and Madison defeats Mantis once and for all! WOW, talk about a way to close out a season. It leaves us with enough of an open thread by letting the Barnacle King and Blobert escape for now but we may see them somewhere down the line in the season it does end with Madison, Valerie & Beatrice being rewarded by regaining not only their mermaid citizenship but their tails and the chance to go home. As a matter of fact there are hints to what might happen next season. But for now this episode is worth it's weight in Spanish Gold and is for now my Number One Episode of the series so far . (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And I'm sure I missed an episode you liked, so leave your favorite episode in the comment section below. In addition, if you want to get the latest on the show then follow them on Twitter: https://twitter.com/Life_asamermaid , or on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/lifeasamermaid/  or on Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/lifeasamermaid_series/  or check the series out on YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/user/Leylaey  or go to their site:
http://www.lifeasamermaid.com/ and to keep the series going support their Patreon:
https://www.patreon.com/lifeasamermaid to find out. Now why am I doing this? Because it is so freaking awesome!

(Cut to clips of "Life As A Mermaid" while the music from the end credits to the show is being played in the foreground as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

This is proof that the internet is becoming more viable for newer projects to succeed without the need to be on a network or a big production company to keep it from getting it done after sitting in developmental hell for what could feel like an eternity. Everyone at Validus Productions and "Life As A Mermaid" deserves to given all the praise in the world for their effort and creativity. The writing on the show is incredible. The Acting is better than most shows on TV now a days The development the characters endure helps the audience grow inside, the writing is incredible, It uses it's production value to it's best. It's overall an amazing series that everyone should truly watch and see that life truly can be the bubbles. Especially if it's the Life As A Mermaid! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion.

Live To Win-Ter: "Cutting" it too close for comfort co-witten by Chris Lee Moore

(Scene starts as James straps on snowboarding gear and snowboarding down a mountain before cutting to John Santos, Mike Santos, Eric Kurtzke as they do curling Paulo Fonseca, Nick Yaun, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion as they hit the ice in Team USA Hockey gear before seeing Renee Miller and Rebecca Yaun in a two-person Bobsled careening through the course before seeing Olivia Horvath and Brenda Fonseca team up in pair of choreographed ice skating as they do a matching flying triple salchow and land next to everyone on top of the Olympic Podium as they all raise their Gold Medals before the raising of the American flag is seen and as the flag waves the words “Live To Win-Ter” is seen as 2:20-3:09 of “Live To Win” by Paul Stanley plays in the foreground before cutting to a first person perspective as a cloth is taken off before cutting to see James tied down and a spotlight is around him and a voice from out of nowhere says “Wakey Wakey James Faraci” before cutting to the first person perspective as James sees a face before cutting to James.)

TLOTA:

You? You’re her husband, aren’t you? (The man clenches his fist and backhand punches James in the face before cutting to James’ Captor Brendan Rooney.)

Brendan Rooney:

Yeah and every single little second you are out there doing your funny little reviews with your funny little sketches makes me sick! Knowing one day, you’ll turn your venom onto my wife. 

TLOTA:

Not on your life! (Brendan punches James in the ribs)

Brendan Rooney:

And do you know why? Because my wife’s birthday is coming soon, and I figured okay, what would she like more than spending the day with her family. Then it hit me, Your head over our mantlepiece! 

TLOTA: 

Wait, her birthday is coming soon? When?

Brendan Rooney:

A week or so away.

TLOTA:

“A week or so away”? AW CRAP I MISSED THE OLYMPICS!

Brendan Rooney:

That’s not the only thing you’ll miss. You can say goodbye to your friends, the few family who gives a rat’s ass about you and… (A knock comes from upstairs.) Excuse me for a moment. (Cut to Brendan Rooney at his front door before cutting to see Rowdy and Mike Jeavons on the front porch before cutting to see Brandon with a wicked grin then cutting to James, Mike J and Rowdy in the same predicament before cutting to Brendan Rooney looking at the three) Well, Well, Three Internet Reviewers lined up in a row. All three heading for the final blow! The one that ENDS all three of you! (Cut to Rowdy, Mike J & James Faraci)

Mike J:

AW BUGGER! This is all your fault.

Rowdy:

Cut me some slack, it was you who saw James’ face while you were in The John Wayne Airport. You called me and showed me Brendan’s face as well as James’ while he was knocked out!

TLOTA:

Guys? (Rowdy and Mike J continue to argue in banter as James says “Guys” repeatedly until James shouts “GUYS!” as the two are shocked into silence.) In case you numbskulls don’t know, our “Host” is planning on playing “Hassan CHOP!” with us for his wife’s birthday. Unless we can work together to get out of this predicament, the internet will be doing an “In Memoriam of…” for all three us! (Cut to Brendan Rooney with a DVD in his hand.)

Brendan Rooney:

Well since you three have time to kill before I kill you three, figure I’d give you something to watch. A piece of my wife’s work. It’ll be the last movie you three will ever see! (Brendan takes the disc out of it’s case and nearly takes James’ ear off with it and puts it in the Player before cutting to see the three look at the cover to see “The Cutting Edge: Going For The Gold” and the three groaning before cutting to the Title of “The Cutting Edge: Going For The Gold” and then cutting to clips of the movie as “We’ll Awaken” by Christy Romano plays in the foreground and Rowdy, James and Mike J do voiceovers.)

Mike J (Voiceover):

Well another crappy sequel to another somewhat successful movie that should’ve been just the one movie, but the producers decided to milk it for all it’s worth a mere fourteen years after the first movie came out!

Rowdy (Voiceover):

What surprised me is that they got Christy Romano to be in this. This was at the point when Christy’s career was changing. This could’ve been the first step towards something bigger but unfortunately this was her last stop before she faded into obscurity after Kim Possible ended.

TLOTA (Voiceover):

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but it looks like the both of you make honest points so in this case I’m the mediator in this review. Will this be a movie that will take the gold as the Olympic Champion or will it fall harder from grace than Tonya Harding? (Cut to Mike J, James and Rowdy physically)

TLOTA:

Let’s get right into it because if I can read that timer we’ve got little over two hours before our “Host” comes back and gives us the Haircut at the neck down!

Mike J:

“The Haircut at the neck down”? What do you mean by… Oh Now I get it. He’s gonna kill us, isn’t he?

Rowdy:

Way to take the drama out of the moment, Mike!

Mike J:

Piss off You Wanker!

TLOTA:

This is “The Cutting Edge: Going For The Gold”! (James tries to keep the two from trying to attack each other before cutting to the Movie as James, Mike J & Rowdy do voiceovers)

Mike J (Voiceover):

As the movie begins we’re introduced to Jacqueline Dorsey played by Christy Romano and her parents NOT played by Moira Kelly and D.B. Sweeny but instead are played by Scott Thompson Baker and Stepfanie Kramer in an Olympic Skating qualifier when tragedy strikes Jackie.

Rowdy (Voiceover):

After a few months in the hospital she discovers being down and out as long has left her unable to skate single again!

Mike J (Voiceover after scoffing):

Deja Bloody Vu! What happened to mummy happens to her daughter? Is there a curse on the Moseley-Dorsey family or this franchise?

TLOTA (Voiceover):

While you two figure that out, Jackie is forcibly made to take a vacation out onto the west coast. There she meets Alex played by Ross Thomas after losing her top and nearly getting this movie an R-Rating! Alex is a well-known Surfer and In-Line Skating figure but makes ends meet by being a Valet. 

Rowdy (Voiceover):

Wait a second, that guy next to Alex… is that? OH MY GOD IT’S DICK CASABLANCAS! ABANDON SHIP! IS THE HINDENBERG RINGING ANYONE’S BELLS?! (Cut to Mike J, James & Rowdy physically)

TLOTA:

Dude! Dude! DUDE! CHILL OUT! I get it you didn’t like Veronica Mars, but we’ve got more pressing matters at hand.

Mike J:

Exactly, like finishing this review.

Rowdy: 

Fine (Cut to the movie as James and Mike J do voiceovers.)

TLOTA(Voiceover):

Upset by what she felt was a deception. The two walk away angry hoping never to meet each other again. 

Mike J(Voiceover):

That is when Alex sees Jackie making an announcement that like her parents before her is going into Pairs Figure Skating. (Cut to Mike J, James and Rowdy physically)

Mike J:

Though from what I’ve heard there’s going to be a Men’s pair and a too close for natural comfort brother and sister pair! (James and Rowdy look at each other before they realize what Mike is talking about before cutting to the movie as James, Mike J & Rowdy do voiceovers)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

While Alex tries to get onto Jackie’s level of professional Ice Skating. Jackie has about as much luck as… 

Mike J & Rowdy (Voiceover in Unison):

STOP! (Cut to Mike J, James and Rowdy physically)

TLOTA:

Now what?

Mike J:

We had heard from your team that if somewhere in this review you’d mention something about either your professional and personal hatred of the Hollywood Cult…

Rowdy:

Or The problems you have with the New York Jets…

Mike J:

Or how much luck your personal life has or lack thereof.

Rowdy & Mike J (In Unison):

We must tell you to knock off your crap, we know it already! 

Rowdy: 

Though I wish they hadn’t had that one audition. (Show the guy as he auditions to a song about Booty before cutting to Mike J, James and Rowdy physically)

Rowdy:

That’s the one!

(A Door opens off-screen before cutting to Brendan Rooney at the doorway.)

Brendan Rooney:

I don’t know how you three are recording your review and doing all of this could you keep it down, our daughter is trying to take a nap, but if you insist on doing this, talk a little less loudly please and should you three decide to keep talking when the timer goes off, your deaths will be more painful than the sad and miserable existences you three live right now! (The Door closes before cutting to 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return to the review as it cuts to the movie as James, Mike J & Rowdy do voiceovers)

Mike J (Voiceover):

So after a ton of reluctance on Jackie’s part Alex and Jackie become partners. While Alex and Jackie lock horns during most of their practice sessions, seeing how much alike this duo is like Jackie’s parents Kate decides to do a bonding exercise with them by tying them up in a pair of matching bungee locked harnesses. (Show clip of Doug asking why they weren’t subjected to what their daughter and Alex are going through and Kate saying, “He was easier to train” before cutting to James, Mike and Rowdy as the three give a look that shows discomfort and go “UH!” in harmony before cutting to the movie as James, does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

After you try to forget that moment, the two are ready to compete becoming darlings of the Pairs Skating Circuit we get the usual awkward moments in which the couple go through the rough patch especially when Alex’s girlfriend played by Kim Kindrick comes into play and when Alex says in an interview he’s not sure where he and Jackie will be after the competition. Right as the two have a blow out before a qualifier for the Olympics. 

(Cut to Mike J, James and Rowdy physically)

Rowdy:

Isn’t that the way in most pairings like this? Though I wish they had done less of these types of blowouts during first half of the second act. The rest of the second act seems fine. (Muted audio of a group of people talking)

Mike J:

Are you thinking what I am?

TLOTA:

Take a wild guess! (The Three scream for help before the door opens off-screen before cutting to Brendan Rooney at the doorway.)

Brendan Rooney:

WILL YOU THREE KNOCK IT OFF! I know you three are desperate and running out of time but if you three don’t stop I’ll forget the time and kill you three quicker. (The door closes before cutting to the Movie as James, Mike J & Rowdy do voiceovers)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Speaking of the second half of the second half. Jackie realized quickly that she can’t do it alone and somehow convinces Alex to return just in time for one last qualifier for the Olympics in Chicago. After a quick moment in which Alex nearly dies from alcohol poisoning after a night of heavy drinking and Doug snaps him back into place and our happy couple ace the Olympic Qualifier earning their trip to Torino, Italy to be a part of the 2006 Winter Olympics!

Mike J (Voiceover):

But in such romantically awkward situations in these type of movies, Alex’s girlfriend joins them and announces their engagement. Making Jackie barely able to even pull out anything medal worthy and are barely passing by and Alex fails to figure it out why she’s stopped giving a flying cuppa tea. Finally, Doug decides to confront her daughter and tell her if she truly does love the guy she should grow a pair and tell the twat. Though it is kind of hard to tell someone how they feel when they haven’t even opened the bloody door to flipping hear it. 

Rowdy (Voiceover):

Alex, not being entirely rock stupid finally gets into his head that he loves Jackie and calls it quits with his girlfriend all the while Jackie and Alex have one last chance to impress the judges. Alex confesses his love to Jackie and the movie ends with Jackie reciprocating and it appears the two live happily ever after. (Cut to Mike J, James and Rowdy physically)

TLOTA:

And what is the fate of our happy couple? (Cut to a still image of the two from the cover of the movie as the losing horn from “The Price Is Right” plays and a Rubber stamp slams the words “Divorced” before cutting back to Mike J, James and Rowdy physically)

Mike J:

HA! I KNEW IT! I BLOODY WELL KNEW IT! THERE IS A CURSE AND IT SHOWS NOT ONLY IN THE QUALITY OF THESE BLOODY SEQUELS BUT ALSO IF IT ISN’T DOUG AND KATE AS THE MAIN COUPLE THEY’RE DOOMED TO FAIL! I KNOW I SAW THE OTHER TWO MOVIES! I WAS BLOODY RIGHT!

TLOTA & Rowdy (In Unison):

WILL YOU KNOCK IT OFF?!

 (A Door opens off-screen before cutting to Christy Romano at the doorway.)

Christy Romano:

What’s going on here? What are you doing here Faraci? (Cut to Mike J, James and Rowdy)

TLOTA:

Ask your husband!

Rowdy:

He thought bumping us off would somehow make you happy!

Mike J:

Or the very least, never seeing and hearing James ever again except for you to use as a decoration in which you can abuse to your content.

TLOTA & Rowdy (In Unison):

SHUT UP MIKE! (Cut to Christy Romano)

Christy Romano:

Well that does explain why James’ friends are in our living room. They felt something was wrong and thought someone I know, or he knows broke our truce. (Cut to Mike J, James and Rowdy)

Mike J:

Truce?

Rowdy:

What Truce?

TLOTA:

I stay away from her personally and or professionally unless something positive can happen to both of us. Suffice to say your husband forced me and my associates to watch your movie and suffice to say we have opinions. (Cut to clips of “Cutting Edge: Going For The Gold” as “We’ll Awaken” by Christy Romano plays in the foreground and Rowdy, James and Mike J do voiceovers.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

To me, this was one of your better movies outside of your work in Disney. I especially found myself interested in where your character was going in the story and the story itself was good and I enjoyed the artistry of the skating and the music was well enjoyable and for my money was worth watching.

Rowdy (Voiceover): 

Given the fact that this sequel was made fourteen years to make this sequel they really did their homework to keep continuity tight with the first which I have yet to see. This isn’t the worst film I’ve ever seen. Not that good, not that bad it’s just Meh for my taste. Jackie Dorsey had a competitive nature that seemed to fit this movie’s tone like a glove. If this were a stand-alone then it would’ve done a good job telling the story it had. Just wished there wasn’t two other sequels. Yeah Mike you made a good point about this franchise being Jinxed!

Mike J (Voiceover):

I was joking about this sequel and the two that followed it being cursed. I know why they didn’t deviate from the formula. If it wasn’t broken, then why bother to fix it to make it more engaging. Still if they strayed too much from the original the first time out, it may have alienated those who did see the original. I might not have been a fan of the original but there was some creativity. While this sequel and the others lack the heart and creativity of the original, there is something in the “So Bad It’s Good” category of movies. If you want to see it then by all means enjoy yourself in doing so. (Cut to Christy Romano physically after handing James his glasses and freeing all three of them)

Christy Romano:

Okay, first off, these belong to you. Secondly, who in the hell are your friends? (Cut to James, Mike J & Rowdy)

TLOTA:

That’s Rowdy, A big fan of your work as Kim Possible and the other guy is Mike J.

Rowdy:

A pleasure to meet you

Mike J:

Hello, I’m a British Person! (Cut to Christy Romano)

Christy Romano:

Kind of figured by the accent. (The door opens again and Brendan Rooney steps in)

Brendan Rooney:

Well, it looks like time is… (Cut to James, Rowdy and Mike J with Christy in front of them with the look of “Seriously?” before cutting to Brendan) uh-oh! (Cut to later as Team TLOTA, Rowdy and Mike J standing on the front porch.)

TLOTA:

Well, I hope this doesn’t… (Cut to Christy and a heavily beaten and bandaged Brendan Rooney)

Christy Romano:

We’re good. (Cut to later as Team TLOTA, Rowdy and Mike J standing on the front porch.)

TLOTA:

Well then, my best to you and your family.

Paulo Fonseca:

And thanks for letting us know that he was here.

Rebecca Yaun:

And for helping us understand what went down between the two of you.

TLOTA:

Wait, that’s what you guys were discussing?

Olivia Horvath:

Well that and the fact every now and then while we were talking I did follow Brendan to the basement.

John Santos:

That and the fact we heard your review of “Cutting Edge: Going For The Gold”

Mike Santos:

Seriously even the baby heard you.

Ed Champion:

I think the neighbors heard you.

Andrew Beach:

Also Mike J sent the photo to Rowdy and Rowdy sent the photo to us to analyze.

Renee Miller: 

We flew here.

Brenda Fonseca:

Stayed in the apartment me and my husband have here

Nick Yaun:

Had some fun, I mean looked for where Christy and Brendan were.

Eric Kurtzke:

Then we went through Trial and Error to see if Christy was in anyway involved in her husband’s plans. Once we believed the truth was found, everything else came into place.

TLOTA:

Cool. Well then, I guess the only thing left to say is Goodbye Christy. (Everyone else walks away before cutting to Christy Romano)

Christy Romano:

James, do you still think about? (Cut to James as he turns around and comes face to face to Christy)

TLOTA:

That chapter is over, you’ve got your happy ending. I’ll get mine, soon. Lord willing and the crick don’t rise. (James closes the door and walks away without an ounce of sadness or regret instead feeling a sense of closure as everything fades to black.)

What is up with the Disney hate?

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James physically in his office)

TLOTA:

I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and The views I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours and yes, the title  is correct! (Cut to classic 20th Century Fox movies and TV Shows as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
I admit that there is still a fear that we are going to see the movies and TV Shows that were made when 20th Century Fox wasn't being controlled by the Mouse-Eared Reich get buried in the Disney Vaults and never released again or even worse they'd water down movies like "M*A*S*H", "Cleopatra", "Dr. Doolittle", the original "Planet Of The Apes" movies, "Patton", "Mrs. Doubtfire", "Independence Day" or shows on the Fox network like "The Orville" would be so heavily bogged down in memos and notes that their writing staff, production staff and cast would ultimately walk hand in hand going down a line right into the business end of a fully running Helicopter Propeller than be forced to write, produce and star in such below intelligent drivel that'd insult the intelligence of a month old. Maybe "The Last Man On Earth" becomes an even more unbearable pile of garbage! And for those who cannot stand "The Simpsons" and "Family Guy" now well let's just say after Disney is through with them we won't be seeing episode 1000 of The Simpsons or a 28th season of Family Guy. Seriously these shows have been going on for an eternity and a half! Give 'em the old Yeller treatment already! But I also remembering Disney having given us timeless classics like "The Sword In The Stone", "Robin Hood", "Pinocchio","The Black Hole", "The Little Mermaid", "Aladdin", "The Lion King", "Bambi", "20,000 Leagues Under The Sea", "The Apple Dumpling Gang", "The Apple Dumpling Gang Rides Again" and so many other their movies that have been a part of everyone's childhood and for many their adulthood and the kids the adults have. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
However as of late, I've noticed something of a trend hating everything the Mouse-Eared Reich have been doing as of late. (Cut to clips of certain Disney properties as of late as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
While Marvel continues to do well financially with their Comics, Movies and TV Shows. Critically it appears they're not being looked upon favorably. The Star Wars Movies while they're still being made have been upsetting old school fans and new fans who have gotten into the original movies. Now with them purchasing 20th Century Fox's past, present and future movies and some of their networks that might add fuel to the fire. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And I'm actually guilty of having some Disney hate and to understand why, we'll have to travel back to one of their first acquisitions that they used up for all it's worth then sold off back to the original owners after they pretty much trashed it. It's the summer of 2002, I was just about to be an uncle for the first time and I discovered Saban had been bought out and for all intent and purpose their Flagship Franchise was going to be ending as well. (Cut to clips of "Forever Red" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
For those that haven't seen History Of Power Rangers then let me tell you a bit of history that few don't know. "Power Rangers: Wild Force" was done with a whopping 1% of Saban having creative control and Disney coming in with 99% of the total say in what would happen to the series even though Disney claimed they were "Hands Off" when it came to the show. Ever wonder why we had a lot of the creative problems with episodes like "Forever Red"? Yeah even though the hoax "Scorpion Reign" was considered in cannon when Amit Bhaumik when he wrote it, though fans have discredited both Bhaumik and "Scorpion Reign" one thing I couldn't get over, The Wild Force Rider defeating Serpentera. While Bandai funded the rest of the filming of "Forever Red" I have to believe that somehow Disney okayed Bandai helping fund the filming of "Forever Red" if they got the ridiculous ending. However what many of us didn't know is if this was the final season. So when the announcement of "Ninja Storm" happened many Power Rangers were relieved. When we saw "Ninja Storm".... (Cut to clips of the "Comedic" moments of "Power Rangers: Ninja Storm" before cutting to James physically as he grabs a bottle of pain reliever and then washing it down with Martinelli's before cutting to clips of the Disney era Power Rangers as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Yeah, show me someone who defends certain things about Disney's run with Power Rangers like the overuse of explosions, the bizarre belief that Martial Arts is more violent than weapons, OPERATION OVERDRIVE and I'll show you someone who has very little taste in general. When Dino Thunder, SPD, Mystic Force, RPM and to a lesser extent Jungle Fury are the best Disney Power Rangers seasons because Disney did even though the people behind the scenes had some of the dumbest memos. You know someone was working on it's destruction. For example someone thought weapons were less violent then Martial Arts. WHAT? The Martial Arts are a NON-Lethal way of stopping someone. Weapons when given to the uninitiated have a way of hurting innocent creatures. I have seen that happen! Weapons should only be used if the situation is so dire that weapons are the only choice left to stop someone. Then there's the memo over Tommy's Kiyaing! Apparently someone with the same IQ as Pizza Crust thought the battle cries Tommy made in the Original Saban era were along the lines of dropping an F-Bomb. Again, WHAT? A Kiya or a Martial Arts battle cry is NOT the same as an F-Bomb! A Kiya is as I just stated an Martial Arts Battle Cry either to show the energy of the man shouting the battle cry or as a exhalation of energy and oxygen from the man shouting. Nothing nearly equivalent to an F-Bomb. Then came the screw job they gave "Power Rangers RPM". They fired the guy who ran the season midway through and had to bring in the guy who is NOW the showrunner for the series to finish the series and change the proposed ending by the show runner who had a clearer vision for the season. Even worse they did no promotion and did piss poor promotion for the toy line. I think by this point the only series I can compare it is Doctor Who when the BBC was under the control of Michael Grade & Jonathan Powell as they were killing the series. But all though Doctor Who took sixteen years to eventually recover. Power Rangers even though Saban bought the rights back and have been doing some pretty good to mediocre series and a fairly decent movie that could do better with a sequel and the reason I believe Saban is trying so hard to recapture what they did even doing certain seasons which fans have no choice but to hate because it, simply put while there were some good seasons Disney did everything in their power to destroy the Power Rangers and did a good job at it. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Will I ever forgive Disney for what they did to the Power Rangers? No. Do I hate Disney for buying Power Rangers, milking the Power Rangers for what it was worth, sold it back to Saban for pennies on the dollar? Yeah. Do I hate Disney using their profits to buy Marvel, Star Wars and now 20th Century Fox after how badly they mistreated Power Rangers and fear the fate of 20th Century Fox and their recent acquisitions? Yes. Do I hate Disney as a whole? Not really. (Cut to classic Disney Animated Shorts, Animated Movies and Live Action Classic Movies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Disney was a part of my childhood as much as it's been a part of my nieces' childhood and as much as I want to be angry at Disney, I can't stay angry at them. They may have done some things that gotten on my bad side but they haven't done one thing to make me hate them. It's a relationship that you know one person is gonna piss you off but you can't stay mad at them but it's not a toxic relationship. Not in the least, it's one of those relationships that may get battered and bruised but will weather through the toughest storms and as long as they treat the properties they've acquired with some respect and dignity everything between us should be fine. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That's my opinion.

Live To Win-Ter: "Cool" as a cucumber!

(Scene starts as James straps on snowboarding gear and snowboarding down a mountain before cutting to John Santos, Mike Santos, Eric Kurtzke as they do curling Paulo Fonseca, Nick Yaun, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion as they hit the ice in Team USA Hockey gear before seeing Renee Miller and Rebecca Yaun in a two-person Bobsled careening through the course before seeing Olivia Horvath and Brenda Fonseca team up in pair of choreographed ice skating as they do a matching flying triple salchow and land next to everyone on top of the Olympic Podium as they all raise their Gold Medals before the raising of the American flag is seen and as the flag waves the words “Live To Win-Ter” is seen as 2:20-3:09 of “Live To Win” by Paul Stanley plays in the foreground before cutting to James in his office on his phone.)

TLOTA:
I’m not accusing you of… YES, I will side with you in The Great War when it comes to the County of Sullivan and I will help you DELETE Bray Wyatt and do you know why I side with you and the Woken Warriors? Wait you knew I’d side you because King Arthur said, “I’d come to you with dire news that someone would say the words of the Woken one and claim The Woken one sent them to the one.” (James does the same laugh as Woken Matt Hardy is doing) But I assure you I only ask to exonerate you in hopes you would help me find out who would shatter the trust between you and The Woken Warriors. Yeah, have Julius Caesar work on finding out who’d do such a thing. Yes, Yes. DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! (James does the same laugh as Woken Matt Hardy is doing before James shuts off the phone and gets to his seat.)

TLOTA:
So, where was I? Oh yeah, the next installment of our Olympic movie marathon as we take one more of Disney’s Olympic Tales (Cut to opening of “Cool Runnings” before cutting to clips of the movie as “Rise Above It” by Rasta Rocket plays on the foreground and James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Yeah, the loosest based story about the first actual attempt for the Jamaican Bobsled Team to A) Come Together and B) Try to be accepted by their peers. Cool Runnings is a very unique movie about the Underdogs and how even though you might not get them now. You can earn the respect of others and understand each other. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So let’s feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme and get on up because it’s bobsledding time and let’s get into COOOOOOOOL RUNNNNINGS! Yeah, I’m a dork.

(Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As our movie begins we’re introduced Derice Bannock played by Leon as he practices for the 100m run for the 1988 Summer Olympics but slows down enough to meet his good friend Sanka Coffie played by Doug. E Doug as he gets ready for the Push Cart Rally which ends just as you think it would. (Cut to Sanka as he crashes the push cart and Derice asks Sanka if he’s dead and Sanka Replies “Yeah Mon!” before cutting to the qualifiers for the Olympics)

Things go about as well as one Junior Bevil played by Rawle D. Lewis has an accident that takes out not only Derice but also another runner played by Malik Yoba and he’s named… (Show clip of him saying his name is Yul Brenner before cutting to James physically mouthing “Yul Brenner?” “What?” Before cutting to clips of the real Yul Brynner as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
For those wondering the name is in reference to the legendary character actor who won an academy award and two Tony awards for the role of King Mongkut in Rodgers and Hammerstein’s “The King and I” He also got acclaim as Ramesses II in the Cecil B DeMille’s Biblical Blockbuster “The Ten Commandments” He had a very prolific career including movies like The Magnificent Seven (The original one), Westworld and its sequel Futureworld. He died from cancer in 1986 after returning to the role of King Mongkut in a traveling tour of “The King and I” and if you didn’t know well now you do. (Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Derice tries to ask for a do-over in which the head of the Jamaican Olympic Committee can’t do. Derice comes upon a picture of his father and another Olympian by the name of Irv Blitzer. (The head of the Jamaican Olympic Committee tells Derice about Irv’s plan to make a Jamaican Bobsled Team and Derice asking “What’s A Bobsled?” before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA:
A plot device for the movie. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Derice explains what a bobsled is to Sanka and after some initial hesitation Sanka signs on and they soon find their coach Irv Blitzer played by the late John Candy as he’s pretty much down and out. (Show clip of Irv Blitzer as he goes off on a radio in which the horse race he was betting on went against him before cutting to James physically as everyone else off screen says “STOP!” before cutting to James meeting up with the others in the lobby)

TLOTA:
What is it this time? (Cut to everyone else)

Paulo Fonseca:
We know you you’re going to say. It involves the New York Jets and how you would like to see the current New York Jets Coaching Staff…

Rebecca Yaun:
And their head Coach…

Nick Yaun:
Todd “Toilet” Bowles…

Brenda Fonseca:
Somehow be given lessons on how to care and how to win…

Ed Champion:
Or fired and replaced…

Andrew Beach:
With a Coaching Staff that can make the New York Jets winners…

Olivia Horvath:
Then get the team a defense line that can finally put Tom Brady…

John Santos:
and those no good lousy stinking cheating Patriots straight to hell…

Mike Santos:
And an offensive line that can get the New York Jets to win the Super Bowl.

Everyone else (In Unison):
And until that happens while you’ll support the team, you are done waiting for them to get their heads out of their collective asses and get the job done! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Wow, am I that predictable in terms of my relationship for the New York Jets team but not how they’re getting the job done? (Cut to everyone else nodding yes before cutting back to James as he looks sadly confused to the fact about how right they are.) Don’t know how to react to that.

(Cut to 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return to the review as it cuts to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
After bugging the hell out of Irv. They finally get him on board though with a great amount of reluctance. They also get Yul and Junior on board as well even though Junior’s father is looking to send him to become a banker. But as training progresses with everyone laughing in their faces they face yet another hurdle financial setbacks. After many a humorous attempt to make the cash including Sanka’s Reggae song. Junior comes up with the cash by selling his tickets to go else where and a car. So, it’s off to the 1988 Winter Olympics where the weather there is Slightly warmer there than it is here! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Not even kidding it is now a balmy 1-degree Fahrenheit. Allow me to show you. (James gets into his winter weather gear grabs a pot of boiling water and walks out to the outside of his office to toss the boiling water into a sheet of ice two seconds after tossing it before cutting to the others seeing the sheet of ice.)

Andrew Beach:
Dude, was that…

TLOTA:
Boiling water? It was. Now it’s a sheet of ice.

John Santos:
But you weren’t out there for five seconds!

TLOTA:
I know! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
After getting themselves set in Olympic Village, what do they do? Get a Bobsled. Leading to my first big reoccurring joke. (Show clip of the Jamaican Bobsled Team as they go into the track and then comedically not come out of the turn.)

Derice:
Sanka! Ya Dead?

Sanka:
Yeah Mon!

Derice:
Well, you can pee now.

Sanka:
Um… Too Late!

TLOTA (Voiceover):
After a few embarrassing practices and a threat from Junior’s father to take him off the team, the others decide to blow off some steam at a bar in Calgary where Junior gets a lesson in manning up which leads to a very humorous bar fight! (Cut to James physically as a bottle gets thrown James’ way and he ducks.)

TLOTA:
OKAY! You wanna try me?! (James opens a bottle of Martinelli’s, chugs it down and breaks the bottom off!) BRING IT ON! MON! (James jumps over the camera before cutting to James wailing on everything in sight then getting knocked off screen before we hear a pool cue crack and a voice saying, “You shouldn’t have done that!” before cutting to the outside of the bar and Elmer Bernstein’s more comical music from “Big Jake” is heard in the foreground along with punches. James is thrown out the front door before cutting to a pair of shoes which quickly pans up to see the face of Brian Zane from “Wrestling With Wregret”)

Brian Zane:
You better quit being unfriendly mister! (Cut to James as he gets up)

TLOTA:
Hold it there, friend! I think there’s been a mistake. Have you ever been to Nacogdoches? (Cut to Brian Zane)

Brian Zane:
Nacogdoches? No (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Strange, sorry about that, pardon me. (James walks away as Brian is left there pondering)

Brian Zane:
But I’ve never been to Nacogdoches! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Irv and Derice keep them from getting jailed but Irv has all he can stand of them being as immature as five-year olds!  (Show clip of Irv blowing up on the team before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA:
Damn dude make ‘em feel even smaller than they are why don’t ya? But I understand why he did it. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
The next morning we get a staple in the Sports movie. The Montage and to be fair it does show the Jamaican Bobsled team improving with everything the IOC threw at them in their trial they’re…. disqualified. CRAP! Well that doesn’t sit well with Irv at all. (Show clip of Irv Blitzer as he tells the IOC what happened to get his medal revoked and to chew out the IOC before cutting back to the rest of the movie as James does a voiceover)

After Irv said his peace, The IOC decides “Eh, let the Jamaicans Bobsled.” They take it professionally! (Show everyone getting excited before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA:
Okay, show a little more energy, could you not be so restrained. (Cut to Irv Blitzer as he says, “No Problem Mon!” before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
The first run begins and to say they were pretty much as the same as Ishtar is underestimating it. Their coach handles it well. (Show Irv letting them know about how disappointed in them he is.) As the others in the team is wondering what to do next. Derice who has been a little too into the Swiss team tries to think how the Swiss would handle something like this when Sanka tells Derice that the only way they’ll win is to not think Swiss but instead think Jamaican! By their next run not only have they gotten their groove they find the other teams and the Olympic announcement team getting behind them. The time of their big run that helps them get to the medal round is upon them. Derice and Irv have a moment to contemplate the circumstances that got them there and Irv tells Derice to enjoy the ride. The final race to qualify for the medals are upon the team when the unthinkable happens (Show the Bobsled crashing before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA:
And for those who thought I’d do some sort of silly sound effect or something like that then I suggest you consider that the real team can forever remember the smell of burning fiberglass when they crashed in the fourth turn and the Jamaicans have yet to even get to the Medal round to this day. It’d either demoralize a team or it’d make this type of ending. (Cut to the ending as the team get out of the sled and carry their sled across the finish line before cutting to the rest of the ending as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As the team take their sled across the finish line earning the respect of their peers. The movie ends letting us know while that the next time the team returned as equals. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And though the real team have yet to earn the real deal. I’m gonna say that Cool Runnings has more than earned its weight in gold. (Cut to clips of the movie as “Rise Above It” by Rasta Rocket plays on the foreground and James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
The acting from the cast was amazing and though it was one of John Candy’s last movies, he put his all into the role of Irv Blitzer. The character interaction is possibly some of the best I’ve seen in a movie. Even though it does play loosey goosey with the source material there was so much enjoyable feel good moments that I can honestly recommend it. Give it a watch and feel The Cool running through you. (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That’s my opinion. (James steps away before cutting to a few hours later as he’s put everything up before cutting to everyone else as they’re relaxing in the main lobby.)

TLOTA:
So guys, we need to talk. (Cut to everyone else)

Paulo Fonseca:
If it’s about what we’ve been doing interrupting the reviews to break the tropes you’ve been doing by basically saying what we know you were going to say and have all of us say it, we’ve decided to back off that. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
No, I’m glad you’re doing that. Helps keep me going with fresh ideas on how to be funny in these reviews. I wanted to say that I’ll see everybody in March so that way we can get the rest of the year’s reviews out of the way. (Cut to everyone else)

Olivia Horvath:
Well we hope you have some plans.

Ed Champion:
Yeah, I mean I don’t mind an easy paycheck, but we need to be doing more for our buck.

Andrew Beach:
And we’ve been talking that we shouldn’t be leaving you alone.

Eric Kurtzke:
That letter you got last month should be a warning. We took it to the cops and they said… (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Unless they try to do something to me, there’s nothing they can do. I know that because hours after I got it, I sent it to the police. Besides, Alex is coming by and we’ll be watching the Olympics. (Cut to the others)

Team TLOTA (In Unison):
Cool!

Rebecca Yaun:
I know I was a little worried about you last year but the way I saw you and her at that holiday party, you two it feels right. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Hey we’re not official yet so let me take my time. See you guys next month. (The others walk out of the building as James double checks everything before his cell phone rings) Hello, oh hey Alex… Yeah, the Top 10 list is done, I tossed in a few Honorable Mentions and… Oh, Okay I Totally understand. Working on getting Season 4 up and going, totally hear where you’re coming from. I’m working on my fifth-year anniversary, I’ve got reviews and other countdowns to take care of. Yeah Next time you’re in town we’ll do something you want. Sure thing. You are most Welcome. See you then. Goodbye. (James shuts off his cell phone and mouths words “Alex, I love you.” Then sighs before the instrumental of “Mad World” by Gary Jules and James sings the lyrics as he locks the Studio down, puts on his winter gear and closes the front door and takes a moment to take off his glasses as he sings the last words of “Mad World” when a male voice behind him says “Well then, let me take you out of this world!” James says “Huh?” turns around to see a shovel clocking him and James’ glasses are thrown off him as we see through the lenses as James is shoved into a trunk of a car and is taken away fading to black)