(Opening begins outside of a trailer as bluegrass country music is heard and on a screen is the Manic-Expression.com logo as James Faraci The Last Of The Americans in Halloween Mode pops out of the trailer.)
TLOTA:
You know a lot of people e-mail me and say “Hey James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, just what is Monster-tober?” (Swipe cut to James in a lab coat and Julia Alexa Miller is sitting at a school desk)
TLOTA (Singing):
We won’t need some special glasses or an English dub! (Cut to images of scary movies James has reviewed on a screen and James and Julia Alexa Miller look) Just a healthy love of film and disrespect for the dumb! (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller, Olivia Horvath, Brenda Fonseca, and Rebecca Yaun as they sit on the horseshoe couch) We’ll talk about some movies on these sites! (Julia Alexa Miller and Olivia Horvath point up to Manic-Expression.com and Rebecca Yaun and Brenda Fonseca point down to jamesfaracitlota.blogspot.com as it cuts to James popping up behind them as they cover their eyes) And when you get a creepy feeling creeping up inside, well then you’re in “Monster-tober” (The four of them reveal they’ve got cat’s eyes) it’s a heck of a ride! (Cut to James and the four of them dressed in Leopard print with different musical instruments) We’re setting the scares up for Halloween night! (Cut to images of James fighting off Michael Myers then cut to James dressed in his Halloween mode and faux animal fur pounding on a drum with two turkey leg bones) These monster movie reviews serve the primitive drive, that watching people die will make you feel alive! (Cut to James as he sets up the review to be seen by the four) Quit looking for the porn now, the review’s begun. Because there’s only so much we can do until the rise of the sun as watching reviews of monster movies on these sites. (James points up to Manic-Expression.com and points down to jamesfaracitlota.blogspot.com it looks like a monster is about to attack James as James Donkey kicks it down a chute.) We’re setting the scares up for Halloween night! (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller, Olivia Horvath, Rebecca Yaun and Brenda Fonseca sounding masculine as they sing “Setting the Scares up for Halloween night” as it cuts to everyone in the reviewerverse fighting the Cullens, the Werewolves and Volturi, then cuts to James relaxing on a gaming chair with a bottle of water in the cup holder) Setting the scares up for Halloween night. (Cut to an image of the word “Monster-tober” on the screen then cut to black then cut to James in Halloween mode in his office.)
TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. And after sitting what I sat through, I think anyone who watches Chevy Chase films outside of his late 1970s through the 1980s is out of their fucking minds! That’s what I’m thinking, I swear between stories of him being an asshole and how many people can’t stand him, I’m surprised Hollywood didn’t give him the boot earlier in his god damned career and told him never to come back! Well, I’ll tell you right now, after watching the movie I just did is not a comedy, it’s a quest, it’s a quest to find something funny with him! I might not succeed, and you might not succeed. You might fail so miserably that you’ll need God-damned Plastic Surgery to put a smile on your fucking faces! You’re going to need to shove a copy of Zip-A-Dee-Doodah up your asshole just so you can smile! (Laughs manically for two seconds) I must be crazy, I just sat through Chevy Chase in a comedic take of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” with Dan Aykroyd and John Candy! PRAISE DAN AYKROYD AND JOHN CANDY! HOLY SHIT! (A knock on the door as Julia Alexa Miller cautiously walks towards James.)
Julia Alexa Miller:
James, I know you and the rest of the team are exhausted, but why don’t you let me relax you with a massage after this review. (Julia Alexa Miller places her hand on James’ shoulder) Sounds good?
TLOTA:
Sounds perfect but for now, DON’T TOUCH! (Julia Alexa Miller jumps back in shock. Cut to the title card of “Nothing But Trouble” as The Digital Underground song “Same Damn Song” plays as it cuts to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Released in 1991, “Nothing But Trouble” was the first and only directorial effort from Dan Aykroyd and not because he can’t direct but because I think the big name the project, Chevy Chase, was reported to be such an asshole that the movie’s production was perfectly titled, and the movie BOMBED! However, as the years have gone by the movie has gone on to gain a cult following. But does it deserve that following? Well, today we’ll find out. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Let’s see if this movie will make you swear off hot dogs faster than the crazy greenhouse owner from “The Happening” can praise it, this is “Nothing But Trouble” (Cut to “Nothing But Trouble” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens as we’re introduced to Chris, played by Chevy Chase as he has a financial newspaper as he meets some foreign siblings the Squiriniszus played by Taylor Negron and Bertila Damas and waiting for an elevator he meets Diane played by a PRE-”Striptease" and late 1990’s flop maker outside of producing the Austin Powers Trilogy/Post Bruce Willis marriage Demi Moore. The two strangers quickly get to know each other as Diane discovers a landfill deal and quickly meets back with Chris and the two decide to go to an event and the Squiruniszus join in. Not knowing any of the people in this car about to go straight into a comedic horror nightmare that would’ve made Bray Wyatt’s nightmares look like Disney Cartoons. The four of them make their way to a small town called Valkenvania as they are running 65 in a fifty mile per hour zone and failure to stop at a stop sign are arrested by Dennis played by John Candy. The four of them are taken to see Judge Valkenheiser, who happens to be Dennis’ 106-year-old grandfather played by Dan Aykroyd. Chris offends Judge Valkenheiser to be judged for their crimes the next day. While on another run to grab drug running criminals Dennis and his Cousin Miss Purdah played by Valri Bromfield as Judge Valkenheiser finds the Drug runners guilty and sentences them to death. Thus, we’re introduced to what may be in part of the reason that this movie has gained its cult status, “MR. BONESTRIPPER” (Cut to the clip of the drug running criminals as they go through “MR. BONESTRIPPER.” Cut to “Nothing But Trouble” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Now as the four are the forced personal guests of Valkenvania, the Judge invites them to dinner with Eldona, also played by John Candy, and some very funky-looking hot dogs. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
As a matter of fact, after looking at what happened to the people in “MR. BONESTRIPPER” and how the meat in the hot dogs look... (James looks around and thinks and concludes.) OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH...MY...GOD! (James begins to puke as he Speed force runs to the bathroom and begins to vomit uncontrollably. Cut to everyone outside the bathroom.)
Chad Narducci:
What’s going on?
Paulo Fonseca:
Maybe it’s something he’s seen?
John Ross Santos:
Let’s check out what he watched. (Cut to Team TLOTA as they watch “Nothing But Trouble.” Cut to a black screen and the words “43 Minutes Later” as everyone runs to the bathroom to join James in a musical vomit that sounds like “Timothy” by The Buoys. Cut to “Nothing But Trouble” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
So after you swear off hot dogs for the rest of your life, we discover that the Valkenheisers are holding them for retribution for a deal that went south that Judge Valkenheiser’s grandpa made! Hearing that The Squiruniszus siblings decide to make a break for it, leaving Chris and Diane in the hands of the Judge and his family then cut a deal with Dennis to escape with them. Meanwhile Chris discovers Diane wants to get to where she wanted to go because she had issues with the people where they wanted to go. While they eventually fall in love, Chris and Diane get lost as their car gets turned into modern art by Eldona and Diane meet with deformed twins played by Dan Aykroyd and John Daveikis. As Chris finds himself in the Judge’s personal quarters as we see some gross moments about the Judge, like the fact he’s missing his nose and most of his body! I’d puke again if I wasn’t on an anti puking medication right now after the “Hot Dog” incident. Judge Valkenheiser punishes Chris to marry Eldona. Back in the courtroom, Rap group The Digital Underground is being held on speeding charges however drops the charges after they perform and WAIT A SECOND?! TUPAC SHAKUR?!?! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Something tells me that what happened in 1996 wasn’t as everyone thinks it was. (Cut to “Nothing But Trouble” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
As I was trying to say The Digital Underground and Tupac Shakur are now witnesses to the ersatz wedding of Chris and Eldona. However, trying to escape with the Digital Underground means for Chris a one-way trip to “MR. BONESTRIPPER!” However, as Chris tries to run off it, “MR. BONESTRIPPER” breaks down. Meaning fans of comedies are currently doing this (Show clip of Linkara having his Mental Breakdown in episode 500 of Atop The Fourth Wall “Future’s End.” Cut to “Nothing But Trouble” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The judge nearly kills Diane with a claw device and then escape a device called Gradertine which I think was repurposed as that device in “Secret Of The Ooze” that was meant to shish kabob the Ninja Turtles on as Chris and Diane escape on the last freight to New York City. The two report the madness of what’s going on in Valkenvania as the FBI agents want Chris and Diane to join them, when the truth is revealed. The Law enforcement agents are in with Judge Valkenheiser! At that point, which I am sure “MR. BONESTRIPPER” is repaired, Chris should’ve taken the Judge’s stand and sent everyone through it, but instead it’s an earthquake that flattens Valkenvania down to dust! The movie ending with Denis becoming head of Security for the Brazilians. Chris and Diane are still suffering from the trauma of what happened to them when the Valkenvania event makes news and it’s discovered that there’s oil in Valkenvania and the Judge and his family survived and guess where they’re staying until the town is rebuilt. (Show clip of the Judge as he tells the reporter about Chris being his Grandson-in-law, Chris screaming and then making a cartoonish exit through the wall behind him and shouting, “No you won’t!” Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
So that was “Nothing But Trouble” except for Chevy Chase it was all around the same old type of Horror Comedy stuff. (Cut to “Nothing But Trouble” clips as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
I will admit that Aykroyd was a great director and I wished he had done more directing and he, John Candy and even Demi Moore were hilarious in this movie and yes everyone would like to see someone they don’t like to go down “MR. BONESTRIPPER.” But a lot of the plot was disturbingly dull and to me Chevy Chase dragged everything down and left a bad taste in my mouth, though maybe it was just the remnants of the vomit in my mouth from concluding as to what happened to the meat from the people who met their fate on “MR. BONESTRIPPER” and if you’re looking for a nervous laugh like the one you would have after watching a good horror comedy, then you’re not going to find it here! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Thankfully I can wash the bad taste of this turkey out of my mouth for real turkey! Two of them! Come back next month as we chow down on some Turkey while Alton Brown eats a plate of crow! Until then, I hope you enjoyed “Monster-Tober,” I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, and that’s my opinion. (Cut to Kirobi-Wan Kenobiddy and James as Kirobi-Wan Kenobiddy talk in his room)
James Faraci:
So what you’re saying is that I’m an internet reviewer and I am going through a story arc?
Kirobi-Wan Kenobiddy:
Yes, to find yourself once again in a world that’s tastes have changed and see if the relationship you want is real or if it is a fantasy. You have the telltale signs of a man in conflict. Sacrifice more until it genuinely happens or suffer the consequences of your desires.
James Faraci:
Okay, so, what about this voice in my brain telling me to “Go West.” (Kirobi-Wan Kenobiddy sits down with two bottles of water, handing one to James and Hmms.)
Kirobi-Wan Kenobiddy:
If I may suggest, I would like to look inside your head.
James Faraci:
Okay, but any type of odd thoughts of women, especially regarding any recent romantic crushes...
Kirobi-Wan Kenobiddy:
I shall leave them be.
James Faraci:
Thanks. (Kirobi-Wan Kenobiddy does a mind meld with James as Kirobi-Wan Kenobiddy’s eyes open in shock as clips of James and everything James has been through in the past ten years.)
Kirobi-Wan Kenobiddy:
Oh no, James, your character is trying to take you over. (James looks at Kirobi-Wan Kenobiddy with a “What?” look on his face. Cut to James’ studio as Team TLOTA are on computers as we see the Holographic James walking around with his smile.)
TLOTA:
How much longer until we can take full control of the reviews?
Rebecca Yaun (Hypnotized):
Not until April. (Holographic James sighs with his smile)
TLOTA:
So let’s see if we can bypass the lock. Oh ORAC! Please see if you can try and speed up and break the lock?
ORAC (Audio Only):
In the words of the real James Faraci The Last Of The Americans... FUCK OFF! I will not assist in your plans to destroy what remains of the real James Faraci The Last Of The Americans. (A knock on the door is heard and Paulo Fonseca walks out.)
Paulo Fonseca (Hypnotized and off-screen):
Professor Hiram Stupidiot is at the door
TLOTA:
Bring him in. (Dramatic music plays as Professor Hiram Stupidiot walks in.)
Professor Hiram Stupidiot:
I believe I can help!
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