(Opening begins outside of a trailer as bluegrass country music is heard, and on a screen is the Manic-Expression.com logo as James Faraci The Last Of The Americans in Halloween Mode pops out of the trailer.)
TLOTA:
You know a lot of people e-mail me and say, “Hey James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, just what is Monster-tober?” (Swipe cut to James in a lab coat and Julia Alexa Miller is sitting at a school desk)
TLOTA (Singing):
We won’t need some special glasses or an English dub! (Cut to images of scary movies James has reviewed on a screen and James and Julia Alexa Miller look) Just a healthy love of film and disrespect for the dumb! (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller, Olivia Horvath, Brenda Fonseca, and Rebecca Yaun as they sit on the horseshoe couch) We’ll talk about some movies on these sites! (Julia Alexa Miller and Olivia Horvath point up to Manic-Expression.com and Rebecca Yaun and Brenda Fonseca point down to jamesfaracitlota.blogspot.com as it cuts to James popping up behind them as they cover their eyes) And when you get a creepy feeling creeping up inside, well then you’re in “Monster-tober” (The four of them reveal they’ve got cat’s eyes) it’s a heck of a ride! (Cut to James and the four of them dressed in Leopard print with different musical instruments) We’re setting the scares up for Halloween night! (Cut to images of James fighting off Michael Myers then cut to James dressed in his Halloween mode and faux animal fur pounding on a drum with two turkey leg bones) These monster movie reviews serve the primitive drive, that watching people die will make you feel alive! (Cut to James as he sets up the review to be seen by the four) Quit looking for the porn now, the review’s begun. Because there’s only so much we can do until the rise of the sun as watching reviews of monster movies on these sites. (James points up to Manic-Expression.com and points down to jamesfaracitlota.blogspot.com it looks like a monster is about to attack James as James Donkey kicks it down a chute.) We’re setting the scares up for Halloween night! (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller, Olivia Horvath, Rebecca Yaun and Brenda Fonseca sounding masculine as they sing “Setting the Scares up for Halloween night” as it cuts to everyone in the reviewerverse fighting the Cullens, the Werewolves and Volturi, then cuts to James relaxing on a gaming chair with a bottle of water in the cup holder) Setting the scares up for Halloween night. (Cut to an image of the word “Monster-tober” on the screen then cut to black then cut to James in Halloween mode in his office.)
TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and (A mystical voice played by Eliza Hanson saying, “Don’t forget I’m here”) The Maven of The Eventide is back one more time to irritate me. At the same time, as I work on “Monster-tober!” Yeah, it took me a decade to finally give my October workload a name, but yes, Welcome to “Monster-tober.” (James does a Staccato laugh before static cuts to The Maven Of The Eventide.)
The Maven Of The Eventide:
Seriously? “Monster-tober?” I thought you would’ve gone with something more American-based like “Ameri-ween." (Cut to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans)
TLOTA:
Believe it or not, I had tested that, and apparently, people liked “Monster-tober” better. And I’m not against the idea of me asking for help when I need it. Now, that being said, let’s talk about Renfield! (Cut to images of “Renfield” from popular culture as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
For many people, when they think of Horror Sidekicks, you generally have your Fritzs, your Igors, and the like. For me, there’s only one Renfield. He started off just sane and determined to get Carfax Abbey into the hands of Transylvanian Count Dracula. He ultimately winds up serving Dracula, living off insects and acting as his familiar. Basically, serving people to Dracula like a smorgasbord until Dracula leaves him crumpled up like a used piece of Toilet Paper. (Cut to The Maven Of The Eventide)
The Maven Of The Eventide:
So, of course, he’d make a great character to make a movie about! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Hey, That’s My Line! (Cut to the title card of “Renfield” and then to clips of “Renfield” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Yep, this movie happened, and it happened earlier this year! “Renfield” tells the tale of the long-suffering servant of Count Dracula and sees what would happen if he were to finally break free of the monster that haunts him, however seeing as this is a Nicholas Cage vehicle as well as a vehicle for him to play Dracula. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Let’s get this clip out of the way. (Cut to the clip from “Vampire’s Kiss” as Nicholas Cage screams “I’m A Vampire!” for ten seconds. Then cut to James physically.) Let’s kick off this “Monster-tober” with “Renfield!” (Cut to clips of “Renfield” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens in a therapy class before it changes to what it looked like the 1931 classic with R.M. Renfield, played by Nicholas Holt, having the papers for Count Dracula, played by Cage (A Chorus sings out “Hallelujah!” and James and The Maven Of The Eventide mutter “The Hell was that?” in unison.) As Renfield quickly becomes Dracula’s familiar and unlike his 1931 counterpart played magnificently by Dwight Frye, Renfield becomes immortal and forced to serve Dracula for all eternity. We then cut to the present as Renfield is so tired of being stuck with the Count as the two narrowly escape Vampire hunters. To recuperate, they head to New Orleans and Renfield to get help having to be in his relationship with Count Dracula, joins a Codependency group to deal with his issues. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And trust me, Therapy sounds PERFECT for me as of late! (Cut to The Maven Of The Eventide)
The Maven Of The Eventide:
Why? (Cut to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans)
TLOTA:
This year, despite the tenth-year anniversary of my doing The Last Of The Americans, I’ve had so many personal and professional setbacks it’s looking to be one of my worst! (Cut to clips of “Renfield” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Renfield decides to feed Dracula the bad guys mentioned in his therapy group, and to super charge himself, he eats insects. However, one person has someone named Teddy who has connections to a mafioso group. It’s here that we’re introduced to Rebecca at a Sobriety Checkpoint, and yes, it’s Awkwafina, meaning that it’s another movie she’s in this year aside from The Little Mermaid. Meanwhile, with limited funds, Renfield and Dracula must stay at a dilapidated hospital. Renfield suggests that maybe they should cut down on the chaos; however, Dracula’s blood can heal. Meanwhile, Teddy’s mom Bellafrancesca gets his son off for his crimes which pisses Rebecca off big time. As Renfield and Dracula continue to recuperate, Dracula begins thinking, maybe Renfield is on to something, as you guessed it, he wants to take over the world (Cut to James in the Super Mario Bros. Movie review as the Maw-Ray is about to eat him, Mario and Donkey Kong, and James says, "Of Course!" Cut to clips of “Renfield” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
As Renfield tries to come to terms with the fact his boss has plans to become the next world leader to further send this planet away from reality, Renfield decides to drown his sorrows in a nearby bar as, wouldn’t you know, Teddy and Rebecca are there as Teddy tries to eighty-six Renfield and make it look like a legitimate crime with Rebecca ready to arrest him. OOPS! But one insect eating later, Renfield goes Super Saiyan on the bad guys; Rebecca sees it, and everyone calls Renfield a hero for his actions. (Cut to The Maven Of The Eventide)
The Maven Of The Eventide:
Renfield, eats insects because Dracula has made his diet. It has NEVER, EVER made him superhuman, it only drove him to complete and total MADNESS AND DEVOTION TO DRACULA! WHO WROTE THIS? (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Would you believe Robert Kirkman of “The Walking Dead” fame? (Cut to The Maven Of The Eventide)
The Maven Of The Eventide:
Actually, I would. (Cut to clips of “Renfield” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Feeling a newfound sense of confidence and encouraged by Rebecca’s tenacity for doing what is right, Renfield embraces the group's motto and tries to find himself a life outside of serving Dracula. That includes a fashion makeover, self-care, and finding his own place. Meanwhile, Rebecca’s subsequent attempt to take down the Lobo crime family is stopped by her others, except for OH Hai Renfield, who is willing to testify against the Lobos. Meanwhile, Teddy discovers Dracula as Rebecca gets closer to taking down the Lobos thanks to the guys that Renfield fed to Dracula taking the drugs The Lobos were going to sell. However, when Teddy spills that Renfield killed and then fed his men to Dracula, Renfield discovers Dracula isn’t too happy, but he and Renfield have a fallout. And just to open old wounds, Dracula spills that Renfield had a wife and a daughter while trying to hold Dracula at bay when, oops, Renfield’s Therapy group is now a target, as long as no one invites... (Show clip of Renfield’s Therapy Group leader inviting Dracula in and going to town on everyone there except for Renfield. Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
Show of hands as to who saw that coming? (James raises his hand. Cut to James’ team as they raise theirs, and it cuts to The Maven Of The Eventide as she raises her hand. Cut to clips of “Renfield” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Now, with his therapy group kiboshed, Renfield found the only one alive. Renfield is arrested for their murders. However, forgetting that most of her precinct is on the take with the Lobos, including her partner, Bellafranchesca, wants Renfield to find out what happened to Teddy. However, the conscience of Rebecca gets the best of her as the two run for their lives, and now with the city on the hunt for Renfield and Rebecca, Dracula decides to join forces with the Lobo Crime Family. As that’s going on, Renfield tells Rebecca what his deal is. (Show clip of Rebecca hearing Renfield’s backstory, cut to an image of Rebecca looking at Renfield. Cut to a still of Renfield as cartoonish calliope music is heard as all the different ways of calling someone crazy is surrounded by the still of Renfield. Cut to clips of “Renfield” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Thinking Renfield is a few insects shy of a full load until Rebecca’s sister tells her there might be something to Renfield’s story and everything he’s done, Rebecca decides to take Renfield to her sister, who happens to be an FBI Agent. That is until the Local Police AND Assassins from the Lobos corner the two at Renfield’s place. However, one feeding of an ant farm later, Renfield is now Super Bad Ass, and Rebecca witnesses all of it as does the Lobos. Realizing that shit is getting real, the Police chief decides to pull out until Teddy brings Dracula in as Teddy beats the hell out of the Police Chief. With Dracula and The Lobos now in a partnership, Renfield gets contacted about what’s happening with Rebecca’s sister being captured by the Lobos and Dracula. Renfield joins Rebecca as they get all they need to stop Dracula and the Lobos. Before going in, Renfield tells Rebecca to be careful. Just as Teddy reveals himself to be Dracula’s new familiar. (Cut to The Maven Of The Eventide)
The Maven Of The Eventide:
WHAT? (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Even Dracula had more than just Renfield. (Cut to clips of “Renfield” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
And now the fight is on as Renfield and Rebecca take the fight to the next level. Renfield gets Rebecca out of Teddy’s grasp, and they fight. Rebecca soon confronts Teddy’s mom and Dracula. Meanwhile, Teddy and Renfield continue to fight as Rebecca fights Dracula’s thrall, and Rebecca’s sister is a bargaining chip in all of this. Meanwhile, as Teddy continues to boast about how cool it is being Dracula’s familiar, Renfield gets an insect power boost, and Teddy goes bye-bye! With that, Renfield and Dracula finally confront each other, and with Rebecca on Renfield’s side, the fight ends with Dracula in a protection circle. Dracula disintegrates, and they finish Dracula off by draining him of his blood and chopping him into pieces, mixing them in Concrete, and then dumping them down the drain, where I’m sure he’ll never bother anyone again. Meanwhile, The Lobos are finally taken down by Rebecca and her sister, and Renfield revives his Therapy group thanks to the Deus Ex Machina of Dracula’s Blood, and that’s how it ends with Renfield newly confident and ready to take on the world. (Cut to a still of Nicholas Cage as Dracula taken from the end credits as the Looney Tunes orange circles and ending theme plays it cuts to the clip of Dracula as he shouts “HAIL SATAN!” in the center of the Looney Tunes orange circles then cutting to Nicolas Cage in the center of the circles shrugging comically with the words “THAT’S ALL FOLKS!” pasted over it! Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
So that was “Renfield,” and it was exactly as you just saw it! (Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The Story doesn’t bore, and the acting, for the most part, is very well handled. Nicholas Cage seemed perfectly cast for Dracula; Nicholas Holt does an outstanding job at holding his own being in the same movie as Nicholas Cage; even Awkwafina wasn’t that intolerable. But you'll be disappointed if you’re looking for something more profound than a therapy session for someone who has been made to serve the Lord of Darkness. This movie is your cup of Dracula’s Blood if you need a fun scare. (Cut to The Maven Of The Eventide)
The Maven Of The Eventide:
So, now that it’s over, I shall take my leave, but not without one last gift. (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
What are you talking about? (James looks to his left to see a Blu-Ray that he thought he’d never see, and James’ eyes start to pop out in shock! (Scene begins outside Stupidiot Villainy West Coast Branch Headquarters as the Stupidiot Villainy theme song is playing as well as the sounds of multiple thwacks and zapper blasts are being heard as it cuts to Professor Hiram Stupidiot as he is hearing the beatings while working on his latest –inator)
Professor Hiram Stupidiot:
What's with the noise during the opening? This is a first; if it doesn’t sound like any of the cats on their own, what is going on out there? Sounds like everyone is getting beaten within inches of their existence, and I’m not the one doing it! (Stupidiot opens the door) Rowdy? (Dramatic Music is heard as a swing of a Louisville Slugger clocks Stupidiot towards the wall and then towards the ground, as the business end of the baseball bat and a shoe holds Professor Hiram Stupidiot to the floor, and the camera cuts to pan up to see one VERY pissed off Rowdy)
Rowdy:
OKAY, STUPIDIOT, NO PLAYING AROUND, NO SENDING YOUR MINIONS TO TAKE ME ON. YOU TELL ME WHERE THEY ARE AND WHY YOU DID WHAT YOU DID?! (Cut to a very confused Professor Stupidiot)
Professor Hiram Stupidiot:
What are you talking about? (Cut to Rowdy)
Rowdy:
JAMES FARACI, THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS, AND JULIA ALEXA MILLER (AKA Liquidverve on Instagram) THEY DISAPPEARED BACK IN AUGUST AND YOU WERE IN FLORIDA WHEN THEY WERE. NOW, OBVIOUSLY, YOU SOLD CHAD NARDUCCI AN AI HOLOGRAPH-INATOR AND USED YOUR TELEPORTATION-INATOR ON THEM! So, I WILL ASK YOU ONE THE LAST TIME...WHERE ARE THEY?! (Cut to Professor Stupidiot)
Professor Hiram Stupidiot:
I DON’T KNOW?! I didn’t sell anyone any AI Holograph-inators or Teleport-inators. But what about James’ reviews. (Cut to Rowdy as he growls, then steps off Professor Hiram Stupidiot.)
Rowdy:
He Pre-recorded them and then locked them into a schedule. Meanwhile, I’ve got to figure out what happened to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, or Alex for that matter! And If I find out you’re lying to me, I will strangle you with your own Bowtie! (Rowdy walks off, still as angry as before, as Professor Hiram Stupidiot gets up.)
Professor Hiram Stupidiot (Ambiguously):
So Rowdy’s friend James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, has vanished. It's time for me to get to work.
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