(Scene starts with a
laser beam in the sky as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening
theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as four shadowed
figures with a lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be
James Daniel Walsh & James Faraci in the center, Paulo Fonseca on the right
and Rebecca Yaun on the left as their names appear above the characters. As they
run out of frame moving towards the camera, four more shadowed figures with
lasered outlines appear and the shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on
the right, Nick Yaun on the left, and John and Mike Santos and their names
appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving forward moving
towards the camera, five more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as
they reveal themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on the right, Andrew
Beach and Ed Champion on the left, and Olivia Horvath appears in the center as
their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame credits of
“Written by James Daniel Walsh & James Faraci, Edited by Eric Kurtzke,
Makeup by Olivia Horvath Produced by First Choice Productions” as it ends the
Laser beam disappears and at the 0:28 mark of the theme song the laser beam cut
out the words “The” “Last” “Of” “The” appear. At the 0:32-0:36 mark, the word
“Americans” start to come forward as it pulls down, and James’ Morpher and
Sonic Screwdriver is flung into the frame as James grabs both and morphs into
The Last Of The Americans with James Daniel Walsh on his right with half of
team TLOTA and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the
slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Fade cut to James in his
office.)
TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to
express are that of my own and some of yours. Once again, we’re going to talk
about Kevin Smith. (Cut to images and
stills of Kevin Smith and the myriad of his work as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
And for good reason even though he has had the odd movie where things haven’t
worked for Kevin Smith, he has had a pretty solid career of making movies that
have had audiences lining up to see his movies in droves, even some of his
lesser works have a fan base. I saw footage of people dressed up as the
Bratwurst Soldiers from “Yoga Hosers” that is awesome. And as of this review,
Kevin Smith is once again going back to the View Askewniverse with “Clerks III”,
and we have a heart attack Kevin suffered, and one movie to thank Kevin for
getting back into the View Askewniverse. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And since I am talking about Kevin Smith, this one is one everyone saw coming
(Audio of “Goodbye Horses” play as it cuts to the title card of “Jay &
Silent Bob: Reboot”, then cutting to clips of “Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot” as
James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Possibly one of the best comeback movies for anyone, Kevin Smith decided to go
back to the well again and not only found something better than how it was done
the first time around, but he was also able to make something this feel like
the beginning of the next chapter of this universe. So how will Jay &
Silent Bob connect to a new generation? What surprises await our favorite
long-time Stoner Duo? (Cut to James Physically)
TLOTA:
Well, the answers are going to be revealed in “Jay and Silent Bob: Reboot” (Cut to clips of “Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot” as James
does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens as a SWAT team converges on the Quick Stop and the
adjoining business now that RST Video has gone the way of the Dodo known as
“Cock Smokers” which happens to be a Chicken cooking Joint which turns out to
be a weed dispensary owned by of course Jay once again played by Jason Mewes
and his Hetero Life Mate Silent Bob! Which of course was on its way to
legalized status in Jersey as the movie was in production. We soon find Jay
& Silent Bob in court where a lawyer for believe it or not Saban Films played
by Justin Long decides to represent the duo and not only get the duo off of the
charges but then quickly and in true Hollywood style get the rights to use Jay
& Silent Bob for an upcoming reboot of “Bluntman & Chronic”! (Cut to
the Power Rangers jokes characters are making because of “Saban Films”. Cut to James
physically.)
TLOTA:
Bit of a correction you need to make there Kevin, if and when you do talk about
Power Rangers again, in 2018 Hasbro bought the rights to the Power Rangers
Franchise Lock, Stock, and Barrel, and while Haim Saban’s name is still attached
to the franchise, let’s just say Linkara is more involved in the franchise then
Saban is. (Cut to clips of “Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot” as James does a
voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Licking their wounds from the legal victory and the loss of the rights to call
themselves “Jay & Silent Bob” to Saban Films. Our duo decides to go to Mall
where Brodie once again played by Jason Lee has set up his comic book store
after rent disputes at his old place. While there, everyone talks about one of
their favorite movies “How High” and how they learned how to grow the Devil’s
lettuce from “How High” they also discuss what caused them to lose the right to
Calling themselves, Jay & Silent Bob. Kevin Smith, who exists in this world
is directing the “Bluntman & Chronic” reboot. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
So does that mean that all the movies Kevin Smith made happened in the View
Askewniverse as well? And if that’s the case then what about the movies that
featured Kevin Smith in character roles and…and…and… (James goes crossed eye as
a still of Kevin Smith shouting “Cuckoo” comes out of James’ scalp, an image of
Jay pops out of James’ right ear and an image of Silent Bob pops out of James’
left ear, and James blows a party noisemaker as a crazy instrumental of “Hurray
for The Red, White and Blue” play. Cut to clips of “Jay & Silent Bob:
Reboot” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
After a brief talk about the difference between a Sequel and a Reboot, we see
our heroes watching a video that has Kevin Smith tell about a cameo for the
movie done at a convention about “Bluntman & Chronic”. That gives our duo
the idea to once again go to Hollywood to stop the movie from happening. After
a brief joke at both Kevin Smith and Silent Bob about their weight problem and
of course Jay & Silent Bob being banned due to their involvement in
“C.L.I.T” from “Strike Back” our duo decide to do some credit fraud thanks to
Ralph Garmin’s loud and angry “Ted Underhill” our heroes hit the road on a ride-sharing
trip with Fred Armisen and a healthy supply of Tater Tots which he tried to
market to tweens as “Hater Tots” but found an audience he didn’t want Radical
Racists. (Cut to James physically as there is a knock at James’ door.)
TLOTA:
It’s open! (Cut to the door as Julia Alexa Miller comes in.)
Julia Alexa Miller:
I hate to interrupt you while you’re doing a review but, there’s a couple of
people here who want to see you. (Cut to James.)
TLOTA:
Can they wait? (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller.)
Julia Alexa Miller:
I’ll ask. (Cut to James physically as the audio has Julia Alexa Miller talking
and a voice shouting about how he had a heart attack and how he couldn’t fly
because he was overweight and how he had to become a vegan until he says “Oh a
waiting period, How much longer before James is available?” with Julia Alexa
Miller saying “Soon” Cut to clips of “Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot” as James
does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
After a brief appearance from Matt Damon’s Loki from “Dogma”, our heroes take a
pit stop in Illinois. At a Mooby’s Jay discovers that the woman he loved
Justice played by Shannon Elizabeth is now a Meteorologist for a local news
channel. As their driver is arrested, Jay & Silent Bob find where Justice
lives and is immediately incapacitated by a girl in a hockey mask and an
attitude. After waking up, Justice brings Jay & Silent Bob up to speed,
especially with the fact that Jay has a daughter, she doesn’t know who he is
and Justice would like to keep it that way. Jay is introduced to his daughter
Millenium Faulken. Okay, that’s kind of funny I will admit. Millenium or Millie
as she would be called for the rest of the movie is played by Kevin’s daughter
Harley Quinn Smith seems to have a good life and has a good friend Soppaphia, however
as Justice and her better half Reggie played Rosario Dawson. Who I’m sure has a
look-alike relative in New Jersey who runs a Mooby’s and is married to a man
named Dante who is a partial owner of a little place called Quick Stop. Anyhoo
as Justice and Reggie head on out Millie and her friend hold her dad hostage to
take them to Chronic-Con. (Cut to James
physically as there is a knock at James’ door.)
TLOTA:
It’s open! (Cut to the door as Julia Alexa Miller comes in.)
Julia Alexa Miller:
Yeah, you may want to take a break and meet our guests. (Cut to James as he
steps out of the office as it cuts to the opening to the Main Lobby)
TLOTA:
This better be important… (Jay & Silent Bob’s surprise music is played as
it cuts to Jason Mewes on a recliner.)
Jason Mewes:
YO! WHAT’S UP MR. LAST OF THE AMERICANS! (Jay & Silent Bob’s surprise music
is played as it cuts to Kevin Smith)
Kevin Smith:
Hello James, so you’re probably wondering what it is I am doing here? (Jay
& Silent Bob’s surprise music is played as it cuts to James with a look of
“Pants to be darkened” on his face as James runs for his life. Cut to Julia
Alexa Miller as she looks on with Jason and Kevin looking over her shoulders.)
Julia Alexa Miller:
He’ll be back, soon, I hope…
(The Sound of tires
screeching at warp speed is heard as it fades to black, it then cuts to the
0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed
with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the
camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The
Americans”. Cut to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it
shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other
half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings
“The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to “Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot” as James
does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
As Jay, Silent Bob, Millie, and her friend make their way to Chronic-Con Jay
tries to be a dad and try to keep her daughter from making the same mistakes he
made by forcing her not to talk about her private “Stimulation” and try to keep
her from the weed Sophie grew in a commune but Jay forgot about one thing Weed
laced Chocolate with enough of the ganj to knock someone my size out for about
a month! (Cut to James physically in his car heading back to the studio in the
vain hopes that Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes aren’t there anymore.)
TLOTA:
But I don’t know because I never touch the stuff, I’m just guessing. MOVING ON!
(Cut to clips of “Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
After a moment in which Jay & Silent Bob has a moment with Redman &
Method Man to discuss weed and parenthood. Jay wakes up looking like he’s
teabagging Silent Bob as Millie and Sophie introduce us to Millie’s friends
from an online support group, AND I SWEAR TO GOD I AM NOT MAKING THESE NAMES UP,
their names are Jihad and Shan Yu! WEE-OOOH! And apparently, Shan Yu is a
Podcaster that tries to contextualize life in America for her audience in the
homeland! Once they discover that they lost their ride. Millie begins a plan to
take a van to get to Chronic-Con with Jay and Silent Bob which looks familiarly
like the Van from “Strike Back”. On the ride there Jay has the thought that his
offspring and her friends are International Diamond Thieves Like Millie’s mom Justice,
and her old associates. However, after a half-pissed/half-crazed return of the
Fred Armisen Driver character. Millie takes off with her friends leaving Jay
& Silent Bob in the lurch! (Cut to James quietly trying to get to his
office as he looks through a periscope and sees Julia Alexa Miller, Jason Mewes,
and Kevin Smith talking about things one subject being James as James quietly
makes it back to the office with a Whew nearly giving him away)
TLOTA (Quietly):
Just for the record, my oldest nieces wouldn’t be that way around me! (Cut to
clips of “Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot” as James quietly does a voiceover)
TLOTA ( Quiet V.O.):
Jay & Silent Bob quickly catch up to the girls as they find themselves
caught by the members of those Knuckleheaded Clucking S.O.B.s led by of all
people Chris “Le’ Champion” Jericho! Silent Bob distracts the Klan as Jay hits
them with a bit of the weed and a port-a-potty filled to the brim with their
excrement. Make your own DX dumping the McMahons and Spirit Squad with the
contents of an overfilled port-a-potty jokes. The next morning Jay, Silent Bob,
and the others make it to a level of Hell that Satan calls his winter home,
Hollywood and they get to Chronic-con as Jay & Silent Bob get ready to stop
the film and Millie tries to get her friend into the movie. While Jay &
Silent Bob is being chased through different Q&As that features Jason Biggs
and James Van Der Beek, The “Comic Book Men” cast and the cast of wait a
second… the cast from “clerks” is in
this and they’re in black & white? (Cut to James goes crossed eye as a
still of Kevin Smith shouting “Cuckoo” comes out of James’ scalp, an image of
Jay pops out of James’ right ear and an image of Silent Bob pops out of James’
left ear, and James blows a party noisemaker as a crazy instrumental of “Hurray
for The Red, White and Blue” play. The muffled voice of Julia Alexa Miller
saying “That might be him in his office.” The muffled voice of Kevin Smith says “Let’s
check it out!”)
TLOTA:
Crap! Got to be quick! (Cut to clips of “Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot” as James
does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Holden McNeil and Alyssa Jones played by Ben Affleck and Joey Lauren Adams pop
in as Jay & Silent Bob meet their daughter Amy played by Jason Mewes’
actual daughter Logan Lee. (THUD) They discuss what it’s like to be a dad and
Jay realizes that even though he may no longer be Jay he is something better,
Millenium Faulkon’s Father as Holden gives Jay and Silent Bob the necessary
passes to get into the girls into the movie. (THUD) The gang makes into the meeting
with Kevin Smith, see a brief clip of the “Bluntman V Chronic” movie Kevin had
in mind as we get cameos from Val Kilmer, Tommy Chong, and Melissa Benoist.
(THUD) We get a classic comedy moment as Silent Bob and Kevin Smith do their
own take on the classic Marx Brothers Mirror bit. (THUD) Millie and Silent Bob
get on the stage incognito as they… (A final thud and shrapnel from the door
Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith scream and the footage stops right there. Jason
Mewes and Kevin Smith look at the moment and at each other.)
Jason Mewes:
On three?
Kevin Smith:
Damn right! ONE! TWO! THREE! (The two go down to the bottom of the stopped
moment as they push it up as James tries to run for it again Julia Alexa Miller
forces James to sit back down.)
Julia Alexa Miller:
Relax! They’re not here to cause you pain! (Cut to Jason Mewes)
Jason Mewes:
Listen to the lady, James. Kevin and I have a proposition for you. (Cut to
James and Julia Alexa Miller)
TLOTA:
Name your proposition. (Cut to Kevin Smith)
Kevin Smith:
You don’t spoil the ending to the movie, finish your review, and then we will
see if I can get you and Alex a cameo in the movie. There will be a
million-dollar payday for it (Cut to James and Julia Alexa Miller)
TLOTA:
Can me and Alex think it over?
Kevin Smith (Audio
only):
Please. (James and Julia Alexa Miller huddle up as they whisper to each other
for five seconds.)
TLOTA:
For a million dollars? Absolutely! (James gives a thumbs-up as the scene freezes
as cutting to the same type of text used in the ending of “Mallrats” and music
“Suzanne” from Weezer playing in the background as images of everyone is seen
to show what was going to happen to everyone with “Kevin Smith couldn’t make
good on his word to get James and Julia Alexa Miller into Clerks III.” “Julia
Alexa Miller left both Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes in a world of hurting. Kevin
Smith and Jason Mewes will be better by the end of 2021” “The Rest Of The Team,
James’ friends, colleagues, and betters joined James for a week off in Sullivan
County New York.” “Why they’re in Strait Jackets and looking demented will be
told… Eventually” (Cut to clips of “Jay and Silent Bob Reboot”) “Although James
won’t give the ending away. James thought this was one of Kevin Smith’s best
movies and a great return to form for Kevin” “James also thinks that the
references, writing, acting, and
directing was some of Kevin’s finest as well” “However James thinks for anyone
who makes this their first movie featuring Kevin Smith, shouldn’t. This should
be this one watched AFTER watching the classics to get the references.” “If you
are a hardcore Kevin Smith fan then James strongly recommends getting it on
Blu-Ray, Digital, in any way you can. It will not disappoint!” Cut to James
physically)
TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That’s my opinion! (James walks
away as the scene fades to black.)
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