Connect The Plots: "Transformers" & The "Armageddon" of Michael Bay

(Opening begins at the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours and welcome to another edition of"Connect The Plots" (Cut to a scene of James trying to connect certain things together like the theatrical version of "Halloween: The Curse Of Michael Myers" & "Halloween: H20", All the movie adaptations of Stephen King, Superman Returns to the original Salkind Superman movies, the first three X-Men movies to the newer ones and the "Wolverine" & "Deadpool" movies before cutting to James strapped down in a straight jacket all the while a kid sings "Connect The Plots La-La-La!" before panning down to see anything that might have a minor connection spell the words "Connect The Plots" before cutting to the title card of "Armageddon" as an instrumental of "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" play in the foreground and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): 
As it has been stated repeatedly here "Armageddon" directed by Michael Bay has become a cult classic, a guilty pleasure of mine, and has probably the biggest honor the movie could get a place in the Criterion Collection! That is insane. While a lot of the science behind it doesn't compute, nor does the whole drilling a nuke to blow an asteroid sky-high make a lick of sense. To me, this is the definition of popcorn entertainment that somehow has stood the test of time, which is far more than a franchise he drove into the ground. (Cut to clips of the Michael Bay "Transformers" movies as "Transformers" by the band Lion play in the foreground and James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Michael Bay's first"Transformers" was such a hit that Bay hit the Lather, Rinse, Repeat on the plot five times until finally Paramount had enough and has decided to give Bay the boot, hit the reboot button with two movies, One I have seen in snippets and a new one coming soon. But believe it or not, as insane as being able to connect the "Halloween" "Thorn Trilogy" to "H20" & "Resurrection", I think I have found something that connects Michael Bay's five clunkers "Transformers" movies to "Armageddon" and it ain't Michael Bay. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And would you believe that it was the main antagonist of the movie "Armageddon" and it ain't Gen. Kimsey, Col. Sharp, or anyone like that. It is the asteroid! (Cut to clips of "Armageddon" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
First off, the exact starting point of the asteroid, Just where did in the depths of space did it come from, if anything, I think that asteroid came from Cybertron. What helps me think that is the material of the asteroid is that of compressed Iron Ferrite, however, there were other metallic elements that they couldn't quantify. They could've been elements from making both Autobots and Decepticons. I mean when their drill's first attempt tears up only a few feet in, that's more than just Iron Ferrite and it can't be any metal in the elemental table that we know. So no wonder it took them just until almost the ending of the movie to get to the eight hundred feet to get the asteroid to the breaking point. In addition, when the nuclear weapon goes kerblammo that couldn't have been good, acting as a signal to any of the Autobots & Decepticons that had been inactive on Earth to wake up and as a signal to any and all Autobots and Decepticons still lost to make their way to our planet! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
"But wait," you say, "How do you explain the fact, someone, mentioning the movie "Armageddon" In the first "Transformers" movie?" Well... (Cut to the first "Transformers" movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
I am willing to bet despite signing NDAs I have to think that either "Rockhound" who in "Armageddon" was played by Steve Buscemi or "Chic" played by Will Patton had hit some hard financial times after Harry died and of course Governmental interference causing both Stamper Oil and A.J.'s oil drilling business to close their doors and the two decided to use Nom De Plumes to get around the NDAs to tell the story about how a group of Oil Drillers became Astronauts who had to drill into the heart of an asteroid, drop a nuclear weapon to save all of humanity from dying. A couple of Hollywood execs read the story, commissioned a script and "Armageddon" becomes a movie making the duo financially stable. Of course, they would have PTSD once the Transformers made their presence is known, and long story short "Rockhound" or "Chic" realize what they had done may have been was a bigger mistake than letting the asteroid hit the earth. Plus there may have been some of the remnants of the asteroid that made it to the Earth that activated the inert Autobots and Decepticons, might have taken them a few years but when they woke up, our planet became the home of their war. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
But do we have "Armageddon" to thank for the horrendousness that has been not only the "Transformers" movies but I have to say the destruction of the career of Michael Bay? I think both were inevitable and "Armageddon" was not the cause of it. (Cut to clips of both "Armageddon" and the Michael Bay "Transformers" movies as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
To me "Armageddon" may have been the start of Michael Bay's Swansong towards what happened with the "Transformers" movies, it comes as no surprise what has happened with Michael's work. And while nine times out of ten I would hope for something better for someone and I do wish the best for Michael if he never escapes the downward spiral that most moviemakers suffer, he knows his career has come to its endgame. And for me, I'm fine with it. But at least I'm fine knowing I enjoy one of his movies. If you find one movie enjoyable as well, good for you. Me "Armageddon" was Michael at his commercial and critical popcorn fun. Everything else has been a sign for me to roll on out of the theaters. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion.

"Reboot" of the View Askewniverse

(Scene starts with a laser beam in the sky as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as four shadowed figures with a lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be James Daniel Walsh & James Faraci in the center, Paulo Fonseca on the right and Rebecca Yaun on the left as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving towards the camera, four more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear and the shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on the right, Nick Yaun on the left, and John and Mike Santos and their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving forward moving towards the camera, five more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as they reveal themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on the right, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion on the left, and Olivia Horvath appears in the center as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame credits of “Written by James Daniel Walsh & James Faraci, Edited by Eric Kurtzke, Makeup by Olivia Horvath Produced by First Choice Productions” as it ends the Laser beam disappears and at the 0:28 mark of the theme song the laser beam cut out the words “The” “Last” “Of” “The” appear. At the 0:32-0:36 mark, the word “Americans” start to come forward as it pulls down, and James’ Morpher and Sonic Screwdriver is flung into the frame as James grabs both and morphs into The Last Of The Americans with James Daniel Walsh on his right with half of team TLOTA and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Fade cut to James in his office.)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Once again, we’re going to talk about Kevin Smith.  (Cut to images and stills of Kevin Smith and the myriad of his work as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And for good reason even though he has had the odd movie where things haven’t worked for Kevin Smith, he has had a pretty solid career of making movies that have had audiences lining up to see his movies in droves, even some of his lesser works have a fan base. I saw footage of people dressed up as the Bratwurst Soldiers from “Yoga Hosers” that is awesome. And as of this review, Kevin Smith is once again going back to the View Askewniverse with “Clerks III”, and we have a heart attack Kevin suffered, and one movie to thank Kevin for getting back into the View Askewniverse. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And since I am talking about Kevin Smith, this one is one everyone saw coming (Audio of “Goodbye Horses” play as it cuts to the title card of “Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot”, then cutting to clips of “Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Possibly one of the best comeback movies for anyone, Kevin Smith decided to go back to the well again and not only found something better than how it was done the first time around, but he was also able to make something this feel like the beginning of the next chapter of this universe. So how will Jay & Silent Bob connect to a new generation? What surprises await our favorite long-time Stoner Duo? (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA:
Well, the answers are going to be revealed in “Jay and Silent Bob: Reboot” (Cut to clips of “Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens as a SWAT team converges on the Quick Stop and the adjoining business now that RST Video has gone the way of the Dodo known as “Cock Smokers” which happens to be a Chicken cooking Joint which turns out to be a weed dispensary owned by of course Jay once again played by Jason Mewes and his Hetero Life Mate Silent Bob! Which of course was on its way to legalized status in Jersey as the movie was in production. We soon find Jay & Silent Bob in court where a lawyer for believe it or not Saban Films played by Justin Long decides to represent the duo and not only get the duo off of the charges but then quickly and in true Hollywood style get the rights to use Jay & Silent Bob for an upcoming reboot of “Bluntman & Chronic”! (Cut to the Power Rangers jokes characters are making because of “Saban Films”. Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
Bit of a correction you need to make there Kevin, if and when you do talk about Power Rangers again, in 2018 Hasbro bought the rights to the Power Rangers Franchise Lock, Stock, and Barrel, and while Haim Saban’s name is still attached to the franchise, let’s just say Linkara is more involved in the franchise then Saban is. (Cut to clips of “Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Licking their wounds from the legal victory and the loss of the rights to call themselves “Jay & Silent Bob” to Saban Films. Our duo decides to go to Mall where Brodie once again played by Jason Lee has set up his comic book store after rent disputes at his old place. While there, everyone talks about one of their favorite movies “How High” and how they learned how to grow the Devil’s lettuce from “How High” they also discuss what caused them to lose the right to Calling themselves, Jay & Silent Bob. Kevin Smith, who exists in this world is directing the “Bluntman & Chronic” reboot. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So does that mean that all the movies Kevin Smith made happened in the View Askewniverse as well? And if that’s the case then what about the movies that featured Kevin Smith in character roles and…and…and… (James goes crossed eye as a still of Kevin Smith shouting “Cuckoo” comes out of James’ scalp, an image of Jay pops out of James’ right ear and an image of Silent Bob pops out of James’ left ear, and James blows a party noisemaker as a crazy instrumental of “Hurray for The Red, White and Blue” play. Cut to clips of “Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
After a brief talk about the difference between a Sequel and a Reboot, we see our heroes watching a video that has Kevin Smith tell about a cameo for the movie done at a convention about “Bluntman & Chronic”. That gives our duo the idea to once again go to Hollywood to stop the movie from happening. After a brief joke at both Kevin Smith and Silent Bob about their weight problem and of course Jay & Silent Bob being banned due to their involvement in “C.L.I.T” from “Strike Back” our duo decide to do some credit fraud thanks to Ralph Garmin’s loud and angry “Ted Underhill” our heroes hit the road on a ride-sharing trip with Fred Armisen and a healthy supply of Tater Tots which he tried to market to tweens as “Hater Tots” but found an audience he didn’t want Radical Racists. (Cut to James physically as there is a knock at James’ door.)

TLOTA:
It’s open! (Cut to the door as Julia Alexa Miller comes in.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
I hate to interrupt you while you’re doing a review but, there’s a couple of people here who want to see you. (Cut to James.)

TLOTA:
Can they wait? (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
I’ll ask. (Cut to James physically as the audio has Julia Alexa Miller talking and a voice shouting about how he had a heart attack and how he couldn’t fly because he was overweight and how he had to become a vegan until he says “Oh a waiting period, How much longer before James is available?” with Julia Alexa Miller saying “Soon” Cut to clips of “Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
After a brief appearance from Matt Damon’s Loki from “Dogma”, our heroes take a pit stop in Illinois. At a Mooby’s Jay discovers that the woman he loved Justice played by Shannon Elizabeth is now a Meteorologist for a local news channel. As their driver is arrested, Jay & Silent Bob find where Justice lives and is immediately incapacitated by a girl in a hockey mask and an attitude. After waking up, Justice brings Jay & Silent Bob up to speed, especially with the fact that Jay has a daughter, she doesn’t know who he is and Justice would like to keep it that way. Jay is introduced to his daughter Millenium Faulken. Okay, that’s kind of funny I will admit. Millenium or Millie as she would be called for the rest of the movie is played by Kevin’s daughter Harley Quinn Smith seems to have a good life and has a good friend Soppaphia, however as Justice and her better half Reggie played Rosario Dawson. Who I’m sure has a look-alike relative in New Jersey who runs a Mooby’s and is married to a man named Dante who is a partial owner of a little place called Quick Stop. Anyhoo as Justice and Reggie head on out Millie and her friend hold her dad hostage to take them to Chronic-Con.  (Cut to James physically as there is a knock at James’ door.)

TLOTA:
It’s open! (Cut to the door as Julia Alexa Miller comes in.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Yeah, you may want to take a break and meet our guests. (Cut to James as he steps out of the office as it cuts to the opening to the Main Lobby)

TLOTA:
This better be important… (Jay & Silent Bob’s surprise music is played as it cuts to Jason Mewes on a recliner.)

Jason Mewes:
YO! WHAT’S UP MR. LAST OF THE AMERICANS! (Jay & Silent Bob’s surprise music is played as it cuts to Kevin Smith)

Kevin Smith:
Hello James, so you’re probably wondering what it is I am doing here? (Jay & Silent Bob’s surprise music is played as it cuts to James with a look of “Pants to be darkened” on his face as James runs for his life. Cut to Julia Alexa Miller as she looks on with Jason and Kevin looking over her shoulders.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
He’ll be back, soon, I hope…

(The Sound of tires screeching at warp speed is heard as it fades to black, it then cuts to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to “Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As Jay, Silent Bob, Millie, and her friend make their way to Chronic-Con Jay tries to be a dad and try to keep her daughter from making the same mistakes he made by forcing her not to talk about her private “Stimulation” and try to keep her from the weed Sophie grew in a commune but Jay forgot about one thing Weed laced Chocolate with enough of the ganj to knock someone my size out for about a month! (Cut to James physically in his car heading back to the studio in the vain hopes that Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes aren’t there anymore.)

TLOTA:
But I don’t know because I never touch the stuff, I’m just guessing. MOVING ON! (Cut to clips of “Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
After a moment in which Jay & Silent Bob has a moment with Redman & Method Man to discuss weed and parenthood. Jay wakes up looking like he’s teabagging Silent Bob as Millie and Sophie introduce us to Millie’s friends from an online support group, AND I SWEAR TO GOD I AM NOT MAKING THESE NAMES UP, their names are Jihad and Shan Yu! WEE-OOOH! And apparently, Shan Yu is a Podcaster that tries to contextualize life in America for her audience in the homeland! Once they discover that they lost their ride. Millie begins a plan to take a van to get to Chronic-Con with Jay and Silent Bob which looks familiarly like the Van from “Strike Back”. On the ride there Jay has the thought that his offspring and her friends are International Diamond Thieves Like Millie’s mom Justice, and her old associates. However, after a half-pissed/half-crazed return of the Fred Armisen Driver character. Millie takes off with her friends leaving Jay & Silent Bob in the lurch! (Cut to James quietly trying to get to his office as he looks through a periscope and sees Julia Alexa Miller, Jason Mewes, and Kevin Smith talking about things one subject being James as James quietly makes it back to the office with a Whew nearly giving him away)

TLOTA (Quietly):
Just for the record, my oldest nieces wouldn’t be that way around me! (Cut to clips of “Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot” as James quietly does a voiceover)

TLOTA ( Quiet V.O.):
Jay & Silent Bob quickly catch up to the girls as they find themselves caught by the members of those Knuckleheaded Clucking S.O.B.s led by of all people Chris “Le’ Champion” Jericho! Silent Bob distracts the Klan as Jay hits them with a bit of the weed and a port-a-potty filled to the brim with their excrement. Make your own DX dumping the McMahons and Spirit Squad with the contents of an overfilled port-a-potty jokes. The next morning Jay, Silent Bob, and the others make it to a level of Hell that Satan calls his winter home, Hollywood and they get to Chronic-con as Jay & Silent Bob get ready to stop the film and Millie tries to get her friend into the movie. While Jay & Silent Bob is being chased through different Q&As that features Jason Biggs and James Van Der Beek, The “Comic Book Men” cast and the cast of wait a second… the cast from “clerks”  is in this and they’re in black & white? (Cut to James goes crossed eye as a still of Kevin Smith shouting “Cuckoo” comes out of James’ scalp, an image of Jay pops out of James’ right ear and an image of Silent Bob pops out of James’ left ear, and James blows a party noisemaker as a crazy instrumental of “Hurray for The Red, White and Blue” play. The muffled voice of Julia Alexa Miller saying “That might be him in his office.”  The muffled voice of Kevin Smith says “Let’s check it out!”)

TLOTA:
Crap! Got to be quick! (Cut to clips of “Jay & Silent Bob: Reboot” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Holden McNeil and Alyssa Jones played by Ben Affleck and Joey Lauren Adams pop in as Jay & Silent Bob meet their daughter Amy played by Jason Mewes’ actual daughter Logan Lee. (THUD) They discuss what it’s like to be a dad and Jay realizes that even though he may no longer be Jay he is something better, Millenium Faulkon’s Father as Holden gives Jay and Silent Bob the necessary passes to get into the girls into the movie. (THUD) The gang makes into the meeting with Kevin Smith, see a brief clip of the “Bluntman V Chronic” movie Kevin had in mind as we get cameos from Val Kilmer, Tommy Chong, and Melissa Benoist. (THUD) We get a classic comedy moment as Silent Bob and Kevin Smith do their own take on the classic Marx Brothers Mirror bit. (THUD) Millie and Silent Bob get on the stage incognito as they… (A final thud and shrapnel from the door Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith scream and the footage stops right there. Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith look at the moment and at each other.)

Jason Mewes:
On three?

Kevin Smith:
Damn right! ONE! TWO! THREE! (The two go down to the bottom of the stopped moment as they push it up as James tries to run for it again Julia Alexa Miller forces James to sit back down.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Relax! They’re not here to cause you pain! (Cut to Jason Mewes)

Jason Mewes:
Listen to the lady, James. Kevin and I have a proposition for you. (Cut to James and Julia Alexa Miller)

TLOTA:
Name your proposition. (Cut to Kevin Smith)

Kevin Smith:
You don’t spoil the ending to the movie, finish your review, and then we will see if I can get you and Alex a cameo in the movie. There will be a million-dollar payday for it (Cut to James and Julia Alexa Miller)

TLOTA:
Can me and Alex think it over?

Kevin Smith (Audio only):
Please. (James and Julia Alexa Miller huddle up as they whisper to each other for five seconds.)

TLOTA:
For a million dollars? Absolutely! (James gives a thumbs-up as the scene freezes as cutting to the same type of text used in the ending of “Mallrats” and music “Suzanne” from Weezer playing in the background as images of everyone is seen to show what was going to happen to everyone with “Kevin Smith couldn’t make good on his word to get James and Julia Alexa Miller into Clerks III.” “Julia Alexa Miller left both Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes in a world of hurting. Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes will be better by the end of 2021” “The Rest Of The Team, James’ friends, colleagues, and betters joined James for a week off in Sullivan County New York.” “Why they’re in Strait Jackets and looking demented will be told… Eventually” (Cut to clips of “Jay and Silent Bob Reboot”) “Although James won’t give the ending away. James thought this was one of Kevin Smith’s best movies and a great return to form for Kevin” “James also thinks that the references, writing, acting,  and directing was some of Kevin’s finest as well” “However James thinks for anyone who makes this their first movie featuring Kevin Smith, shouldn’t. This should be this one watched AFTER watching the classics to get the references.” “If you are a hardcore Kevin Smith fan then James strongly recommends getting it on Blu-Ray, Digital, in any way you can. It will not disappoint!” Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That’s my opinion! (James walks away as the scene fades to black.)