Four slices of "Pie" Ala DVD

(Scene begins as “Laid” by James plays in the foreground while a group of execs played by Team TLOTA trade their Charts, Graphs, etc., for pie baking utensils as they make the perfect pie crust then fill it with the nastiest bodily fluids possible then slap it in the oven, pull it out and the pie explodes. Cut to later as they clean up the mess and notice an entire series of movies. Cut to the outside of James’ office as he picks them up and sighs as the door closes as the words “American Pie” Bakery” are seen. Cut to James in his office.)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Well with Three cinematic successes of American Pie under Universal’s belt, how could they keep the success going? By taking the franchise into the realm of Straight to DVD territory. (Show title cards of the straight to DVD “American Pie” movies. Cut to clips of all four straight to DVD “American Pie” movies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
These four movies try to continue where the first three movies left off in telling teen hijinks with sexual mishaps. Would they be able to continue and enhance the legacy of the movies that came before them? Well given the history of Universal’s Straight To DVD material, I’m not looking forward to quality work. (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA:
And before we begin, Spoilers, they’re going to flow like the fluids that have essentially kept this franchise going on so many levels. I will also be doing these in rapid fire succession! So, let’s start with “American Pie: Band Camp”. (Cut to title card of “American Pie: Band Camp”. Cut to clips of “American Pie: Band Camp” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
So remember Stiffler’s little brother in the first two movies? Yeah, he’s now as horny and pathetic as his older brother.  How Pathetic? He tries to out gross his older brother and fails spectacularly. And as punishment must spend the Summer in Michelle’s Band Camp where she had her sexual awakening and found love for Jim there as well. Will Stiffler’s brother somehow evolve beyond being his brother and find love with a band girl played by Arielle Kebbel and deal with Jim’s dad once again played by Eugene Levy? Well, you have to see the movie as to experience the disgusting and surprisingly the heartwarming parts of this movie. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And as quickly as a pie could get made, we get a unique continuation and a sequel with “The Naked Mile”  & “Beta House”(Cut to title card of “American Pie: The Naked Mile” and “American Pie: Beta House”. Cut to clips of “American Pie: The Naked Mile” and “American Pie: Beta House” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
And this time we look at believe it or not while Jim’s dad is still here we have Stiffler’s cousins who have to now go through an event known as “The Naked Mile” as they try to get through it they find themselves in the same type of scenarios Jim Levinstein should’ve suffered during his tenure with the Pie. But because this movie like “Band Camp” was successful this movie had what could be closest to an actual continuation in it’s own story “Beta House” as the Stiffler Cousins continue their shenanigans as they take on their rivals “Beta House” especially when it’s discovered that one of the Stiffler’s love interest might not appear as what she claims she is. While that’s going on Jim’s dad is head of a Collegiate Olympics between the fraternities? Will Beta House win? Will the house that the Stiffler’s have win? You’ll just have to see them both to see how gross the collegiate life of a Stiffler truly is. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
However it was by this point that the quality of the Straight to DVD Pie movies were starting to go down to in quality. However, since they are Straight To DVD the quality is never going to be as good as the theatrical stuff but regardless they were able to churn out one last slice with “American Pie: The Book Of Love” (Cut to the title card of “American Pie: The Book Of Love”. Cut to clips of “American Pie: The Book Of Love” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Essentially a rehashing of the First “American Pie” but this time involving different characters apart from the fact that a Stiffler Cousin is here…AGAIN, however, thankfully he’s not the center of the movie and of course Jim’s dad again but this time the story also focuses on repairing and restoring “The Bible” from the first movie after it suffers from damage from shenanigans. Will our four friends and Stiffler cousin learn from The Bible? Will “The Bible” be restored to its glory and help those who need it? Well again you’re going to see it to understand it and hope that you can not get that upset from what is a piece of pie that sadly goes stale quickly. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And that was the problem, the formula went so stale so quickly that it doesn’t surprise me that these movies aren’t as good as the theatrical ones. (Cut to clips of all four straight to DVD “American Pie” movies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
But that’s not to say that these movies have nothing redeeming about them. A lot of the acting from actors like Bug Hall, Brandon Hardesty, the Aforementioned Arielle Kebbel, Jason Earles, Robbie Amell, Italia Ricci, Rachel Skarsten and Beth Behrs is memorable but for the sake of good taste watch them at your discretion because by “Beta House” you’ll find yourself getting sick from this much Pie! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
But who knows, maybe after that the idea of American Pie returning to the big screen could be something good! (Show clips of “American Reunion”. Cut to James physically) This one maybe the one that breaks me!

A slice of "Wedding" Pie

(Scene begins as “Laid” by James plays in the foreground while a group of execs played by Team TLOTA trade their Charts, Graphs, etc., for pie baking utensils as they make the perfect pie crust then fill it with the nastiest bodily fluids possible then slap it in the oven, pull it out and the pie explodes. Cut to later as they clean up the mess and notice an entire series of movies. Cut to the outside of James’ office as he picks them up and sighs as the door closes as the words “American Pie” Bakery” are seen. Cut to James dressed in a tuxedo in his office.)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. I’m wearing a Tuxedo because, well this slice of pie, happens at a Wedding. Which of course means all sorts of jokes from… you know what? I’m going to try to keep “The Room” jokes and references down to a minimum. Instead, I will try to use references to other movies released around that time. I mean what other movie was released around the same time…(Cut to a poster of “Gigli” as a dramatic sting plays. Cut to James getting ready to run for his life as Julia Alexa Miller drags him back in by the seat of his pants)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Okay, if you can get through this without making a reference to “The Room” and as few mentions of “Gigli” as you can then maybe, just maybe I’ll reward you with (Whispers something in James’ ear which makes James smile)

TLOTA:
LET’S DO IT! (Cut to title card of “American Wedding”. Cut to clips of “American Wedding” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
This is the slice of Pie that took down “Gigli”!  What made this movie so successful outside of being made to take on the Worst movie ever? What could happen as Michelle and Jim walk down the Aisle? How can Stiffler be more of an ass? Can Finch find someone a little more age appropriate? How much more gross out humor will they shove in? (Cut to James in a tux his office)

TLOTA:
Let’s see if this slice of pie is can be as good as the other two, this is “American Wedding”! (Cut to clips of “American Wedding” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
The movie opens as Jim and Michelle are on a date celebrating graduating from College and Jim has something big on his mind and for the first time it isn’t sex! As Jim talks about the fact they live with his parents and probably knowing Jim he and Michelle are in “Jim’s Bedroom Of Shame” and in the middle of this date, Jim’s dad informs Jim he left a ring back at his place and he’s coming with the ring. Stalling until his dad arrives, Michelle decides to pleasure Jim in the restaurant right in the middle of that, Jim’s dad comes in with the ring but as it is with Jim comes at the most inopportune time as Michelle overhears something and Jim’s dad embarrasses him as he is… yeah, Censoring everything below Jim’s waist here and just to ensure the little dignity he has left the top of him as well. After that Jim asks the big question, the question that changes lives, permanently! (Show Jim proposing marriage to Michelle. Cut to the rest of the movie as James does a voiceover) We soon see Jim being congratulated by Finch and Kevin with the happy news. But where’s Oz? (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I guess he had better things to do than to congratulate his friend on his upcoming nuptials for… (Show poster of “The United States Of Leland”. Cut to James physically) Nothing I saw. (Cut to clips of “American Wedding” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As a matter of fact, Heather, Jessica, Nadia and Vicki aren’t in this one either, Where the hell were, they? (Show posters of “Devil’s Pond”, “Van Wilder” and “My Boss’s Daughter” and James says “Okay, never saw those, Where’s Jessica?”. Show posters of “Die Mommy Die” & “Party Monster” and James says, “Never seen those either, Okay Heather, where was she?”. Show poster of “Trauma” and James says, “Seriously? Where was Nadia at this point? I’d really like to know…”. Show poster of “Love, Actually” and James shouts “OH COME ON?! YOU GUYS COULDN’T SHOW YOURSELVES AT A WEDDING?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH AT LEAST THREE QUARTERS OF YOURSELVES, TARA REID I SADLY KNOW WHAT’S WRONG WITH HER!” Cut to clips of “American Wedding” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
The next day, everyone comes to congratulate Jim and Michelle when… (Show Stiffler as he enters, and James says “Right on Cue and as big a horny ass Stiffler is! Seriously, He’s getting restraining orders the same way the Cullens from “Twilight” has graduation caps! “. Show clip of Edward as he says, “Uh yeah, it’s a private joke, we matriculate a lot!”. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Yes people, I just made a reference to “Twilight”! This is not a good mental sign for me! (Cut to clips of “American Wedding” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Michelle’s parents arrive, their dogs have their way with Stiffler and Jim! Hoping to start fresh Jim and Michelle continue to feel good about their wedding, Stiffler discovers Jim and Michelle are getting married which of course means Bachelor party and for Stiffler means more of a reason for him to be an asshole and hopefully for our sake be locked up for the rest of his life having to sleep with one eye open and praying his bunkmate doesn’t want to weave up and down the Hershey Highway. At any rate, Jim continues to try and patch things up with Michelle’s parents. Meanwhile Stiffler forces himself into the wedding by showing Jim how to dance because Jim dancing is a plot point in this movie. Jim however decides if Stiffler is going to be at his wedding to Michelle, Stiffler better tone his actions and attitude down to zero otherwise Michelle will kill him and she doesn’t mean it as a Euphemism, Michelle will literally beat the living man crap out of him and mount his privates on her mantlepiece. The only caveat for Stiffler acquiescing is that he gives Jim the most fowl and disgusting Bachelor Party since the movie “Bachelor Party”. Meanwhile to get Michelle’s dress it’s off to Chicago and to a bar to find Leslie Sommers. As the others look for Leslie, Stiffler goes bar hopping at a Gay bar while there an associate of Leslie by the name of Bear played by Eric Allen Kramer. Stiffler and Bear have a dance off to find Leslie. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I’m getting a little exhausted right now, there’s only so much I can take. We’ll be right back!

(The scene fades to black before cutting to James as he stands on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before fading to black then cutting to James as he stands on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Stiffler wins the dance off, Leslie reveals himself and says whatever Michelle’s dress she wants, she’s got it no questions asked. Meanwhile Bear helps with the Bachelor Party. And Michelle’s sister Cadence played by January Jones stir a romantic rivalry as to who will win her. Stiffler or Finch. (Cut to James physically as he puts on a dealer’s cap)

TLOTA:
Okay People, who do you think will win, betting begins, Now! (Cut to Team TLOTA as they all shout who’d they think will win and Julia Alexa Miller looking at everyone and wondering what’s going on as her whistle shatters glass.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
What is going on? Are you guys seriously betting on who will win the heart of Cadence? (James walks over to Julia Alexa Miller)

TLOTA:
It was meant to be a funny joke that I do but since you said that, I am now forced by Internet Creator Guild laws to use this clip. (Cut to the clip of The Joker shouting “If you have to explain the joke, THERE IS NO JOKE!”. Cut to James and Julia Alexa Miller)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Oh, okay, put me down for neither at a hundred dollars.

TLOTA:
Okay.  (The others look on and sigh in disbelief and walk away. Cut to clips of “American Wedding” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Finch tries to overhear their conversation as Michelle tells her sister she can’t explain love! ARE YOU SERIOUS?! YOU’VE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A DUDE WHO AFTER EMBARASSING HIMSELF TIME AND AGAIN BETWEEN PUTTING HIS DICK IN A PIE, EMBARASSING HIMSELF ON-LINE AND CAUSING THE FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT TO BE SENT BACK TO HER HOME COUNTRY, GETTING HIMSELF SUPERGLUED TO HIMSELF AND A PORNO, FOR LACK OF A BETTER TERM, WHO TROMBONED HIMSELF TO BE WITH YOU , GIVING UP THE WOMAN HE THOUGHT HE WANTED FOR YOU AND YOU CAN’T EXPLAIN LOVE?! (Cut to clip of Linkara having a mental breakdown in his review of “Maximum Clonage”. Cut to the movie as James continues his voiceover) Ugh, at any rate, Stiffler see Cadence as well and wants nothing more than to bone her. So, what to do? Change his appearance and attitude just to get into bed with her. But spoilers, it’s still Stiffler which means he’ll do something so infantile, so disgusting that anything he does will come back to kick his ass and leave him a pathetic broken pile of garbage with no hope whatsoever and I will have NO sympathy for him WHATSOEVER! As a matter of fact Stiffler weasels his way into the Wedding even further as Jim and Michelle see what he’s doing around Cadence and Michelle’s family and if Michelle isn’t happy, even though they had plenty already, it means that Jim ain’t getting any on the honey (Singing): Moon! (Talking): As the two give him the only chance he’ll get. Stiffler and Jim continue the dance lessons and they talk about of all things shaving the hair down there for that optimum effect. Meanwhile the battle for Cadence continues as Stiffler tries to up the intelligence and Finch goes to the bottom of the barrel! There are not enough pillows for me to scream into for how STUPID this is that it works in Finch’s favor! Meanwhile the Pre-Wedding jitters hit Jim, just as Kevin, Finch and Stiffler have Jim’s Bachelor Party when Michelle parents come in unexpectantly with Jim not that far away because they made a turkey dinner for Michelle’s Family and Jim! (Cut to the “UHF” audio clip of Gedde Watanabe shouting “STUPID! YOU’RE SO STUPID!” at a still of Kevin, Finch and Stiffler! Cut to the movie as James continues his voiceover) Bear hides in plain sight as a part of the help around here. Meanwhile the strippers decide to play hide the anal beads. I’m just glad this was made in 2003 and not when Jared Leto was “The Joker”. The maid stripper comes out as a maid and Stiffler says that all of this was his idea and it went wrong. Surprisingly Michelle’s parents forgive the whole gang! I now present this image! (Show clip of Alec Baldwin in “30 Rock” as he pours a drink with the words “This drink is for all those who are in pain right now from watching this movie” over the clip! Cut to the movie as James does his voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Now the gang head upstate as the hijinks continue and preparations for the wedding intensify and tensions are ramped up big time and as someone whose seen this happen twice already with my brother marrying my sister in law and my sister getting married to my brother in law, I’ve seen people in my family crack like eggs! And in the case of Stiffler it means waiting for a dog to crap just to get the Ring Michelle’s mom entrusted to Stiffler and Jim’s grandmother not approving of Michelle because she’s not Kashrut! While that goes on, Jim decides to clean himself, down there and the results are a cake that no one can ever eat! Meanwhile Cadence discovers the real Stiffler after Stiffler ruins the floral arrangement by shutting off the power to the refrigerators to get a bottle of champagne to get Cadence liquored up then bang her like a drum. Pissed off at that, Cadence tells Stiffler to drop dead while Jim and Michelle boots him out of the wedding! Then in a moment nobody watching this movie would expect, Character development for Steven Stiffler as he grabs the florist and the entire football team that he was coaching as a job to recreate the floral arrangements. He even makes Jim’s grandmother forget certain things like how much she doesn’t care for Michelle by… (Show clip of Stiffler and Jim’s Grandmother. Cut to James physically as he  looks disturbed to the point of total disgust , takes off his glasses and then the sound of “The Crying Game” plays as James runs out of the room, Julia Alexa Miller sees it, shouts “Oh Mein Gott!” and follows James. As The song plays James and Julia collectively toss their cookies, Brush their teeth with violent vigor, Stick clean plungers on their faces, toss their cookies then toss their clothes and every single “American Pie” movie in a barrel filled with a flammable liquid then console themselves in a fetal embrace in the same bathtub as both shout and cry “NO! NO!”. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
So after…. (shudders) Jim thanks Kevin, Finch and even Stiffler for all they’ve done. Finally, after what feels like an eternity of mishaps, escapades, and all sorts of disgusting things that’d make Tom Green heave his regurgitated lunch, Jim Levenstein and Michelle Flaherty exchange vows and make it legal. As everyone celebrates cue Stiffler’s mom to come by just to give Finch more of a complex problem and the movie ends with the two of them in a bathtub for two. Jesus Christ forgive me for what I just saw! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Because for as much as I wanted to enjoy this one, Yeah, this was just a rough slice of pie to sit through. (Cut to clips of “American Wedding” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not a bad film, it was just a hard one to sit through one time. The acting is good, the story moves at a fair pace and it felt like a natural ending point for these movies. But the gross out humor took me out of the movie and lest I forget (shudders). Quite honestly, if you enjoyed this one, L’Chaim! But this was just one slice of pie that left a bad taste in the mouth! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And to save myself some time, next week four mini reviews of the Straight-To-DVD fare! I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to comfort Alex after what she’s been through!