(Scene opens on a glorious overhead shot of Sullivan County before the camera pans up to see the words “The Last Of The Americans” in lights while an orchestral version of the opening overture to “The Producers” movie musical before cutting to the building that houses James’ studio as “Opening Night” Soundalike plays and a Chorus sings “Opening Act! Opening Act! It’s the Opening ACT!” before seeing a group of well dressed women played by Rebecca Yaun, Renee Miller, Brenda Fonseca and Olivia Horvath come stepping out of James’ Studio Front Door)
The group of well dressed women (Singing):
It’s the opening act of James’ review show. Will it flop? Or will it go? The cast’s been given their scripts and learning their lines, blocking and choreographing scenes and getting costumed on time. Here comes everyone now, the doors are open and they’re getting a drink, let’s hear what they have to think! (Everyone comes out.)
Everyone (Singing):
You’ve done it again! You’ve done it again. By the skin of your teeth you’ve done it again! We can’t believe it, you wouldn’t conceive it!
TLOTA (Singing):
How’d I achieve it?
Everyone (Singing):
IT’S THE CRAZIEST ONE OF THEM ALL! We sat there weeping, laughing and crying! There’s no denying IT’S THE CRAZIEST ONE OF THEM ALL!
All the women (Singing):
Though you wanted to try to keep sane!
All the men (Singing):
But you’re nuts and sane is just lame!
Everyone (Singing):
James Faraci has done it again! The Book was cooked like a turkey the songs are on repeat. How crazy are you from the heat?
TLOTA:
That’s like asking what’s at the bottom of the Mariana’s Trench?
Everyone (singing):
You can feel the laughter!
The group of well dressed women (Singing):
Drowning in it like water!
Everyone (singing):
We know this cannot be? A musical review of a musical movie? That’s starring that crazy (Cut to the outside of James’ Office Door which ends the opening act) James Faraci The Last Of The Americans! WHAT A NUT! (Cut to James on the phone.)
TLOTA:
I wouldn’t ask for help mom if I wasn’t that desperate! No mom, I haven’t gotten the check yet. Yeah, okay, sent the check to… 324? MOM, I’M AT 326! Wait you tried to call who to send the check to me? Mom, Dr. Plotsz moved out a few months ago! At least you didn’t… OH mom tell me you didn’t’… You made the check out to “Cash”?! Great, for all I know the people in 324 have made off with the money and the next thing I‘ll hear is dad basically complaining that I have Stuff in the house again! Okay, I’ll ask whoever is in 324 and see if they’ll let me have the cash they took. I love you too, see you for dinner! Bye! (James slams the phone back on the receiver and shouts “DAMN IT!” then walking out of his studio but before he leaves he checks in on the team.)
TLOTA:
Hey guys, I’m sorry you haven’t gotten a paycheck, my mom sent the rent check to 324! (Cut to the team.)
Everyone (In unison):
GO!
Paulo Fonseca:
We know about the confusion.
Brenda Fonseca:
And against you telling us we picked up the slack.
Renee Miller:
Truth be told we nearly started an online crowdfunding campaign to keep the studio going but it would’ve been a hassle.
John Ross Santos:
Just go and get the money!
TLOTA:
Fine, I mean it’s not like the plot of both the original and musical version of “The Producers” (Cut to stills of both the original and the musical version as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
And with all the crowdfunding sites, I’m surprised criminals haven’t done “Springtime For Hitler”-esque schemes. For those wondering “The Producers” is about a down and out Broadway Producer named Max Bialystock who teams up with a Public Accountant named Leo Bloom both find the worst show they could find in hopes to end their careers with money to escape the states to Rio where I think extradition of embezzlers to our Government ain’t gonna happen! But when their plan backfires and the show becomes a success well there is a difference between the original and the musical and the movie adaptation of said musical in how they react for the most part. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
I mean I’m not gonna wind up helping people who willingly took my mom’s money. That’d be wrong of me, unless I can be assured they’ll pay me back if they have taken the money or I take it from their still hurting bodies after I’m done with them! (James walks over to the office next to him and opens the outside door before being stopped by the inside door and he knocks before the door opens and the host comes face to face with James.)
Alex Tallycost (Played by Eric Kurtzke):
Hello, I’m Alex Tallycost, I take it you’re here to drop off a script for me to look at and make it a reality?
TLOTA:
Uh nooooooooooo, I’m your neighbor James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and you just so happen to have a check marked “Cash” from my mom!
Alex Tallycost:
Any money given to me is given willingly, how dare you condemn me without the facts.
TLOTA:
DUDE! I’M NOT CONDEMNING YOU! ALL I’M ASKING IS FOR THE ENVELOPE WITH MY NAME ON IT AND THE CHECK INSIDE.
Alex Tallycost:
Well then come in, all my mail is in my inbox Mr. Faraci is it?
TLOTA:
Call me James. My dad is Mr. Faraci (Cut to James as he enters and sees a pile of scripts, a man working on calculations.)
TLOTA:
Don’t mind me, I’m James. You are?
Theodore Flume (Played by Diego Torres Kuri):
I’m Theodore Flume and I’m trying to figure out how to make these figures work.
TLOTA:
Does the figures include the fiduciary responsibility to repay the backers? (Alex shouts “AH-HA!” as he walks to the two.)
Alex Tallycost:
Here’s the rub, they send me the money willingly and I only pay them back if the show is a hit but for the past few years, nothing but flops and now I need the rent.
TLOTA:
Welcome to my hell! Ah, here it is, my mom’s check. Well I think I’ve been here long enough. Good day and remember if you need anything except for money, I’m always willing to help.
Alex Tallycost & Theodore Flume (In Unison):
Thanks
TLOTA:
Anytime. (James shoves the check in his pants and starts to walk away.)
Theodore Flume (Audio only):
Amazing, under the circumstances, we made more money with our flop than they did with our last hit!
TLOTA:
Didn’t hear that, Uwe Boll fanatic! (Alex Tallycost grabs James by his rent check)
Alex Tallycost:
Yes you did and now you are a part of the plan.
TLOTA & Theodore Flume (In Unison):
Plan?! What plan?!
Alex Tallycost:
It’s simple. (Music soundalike to “We Can Do It!” plays in the foreground) Step one: We find the worst play or musical ever made, Step two: We call upon the worst director we know to direct it, Step Three: I go to my usual backers and we get three million dollars. One Million for me, One for Theodore and One for you James my boy, there’s quite a few old ladies out there! Step Four: We open on Broadway and faster than you can say Step Five: We close on Broadway, take the cash and go some tropical paradise where we cannot be extradited.
TLOTA:
You two can do whatever you want, JUST COUNT ME OUT!
Alex Tallycost:
Oh ye of little desire!
Alex Tallycost (Singing):
What did Lewis say to Clark as they headed out Northwest? What did Thomas Edison do when he wasn’t trying to do his best? What did the troops who defended the Alamo do as they saw Santa Anna! You know don’t ya?
TLOTA:
Yes!
Theodore Flume:
No, what did they say?
TLOTA:
Son of a…
Alex Tallycost (Singing):
We will succeed! We will succeed! We will succeed you and me! We will succeed! We will succeed! We shall have everything we need! All the things we’ve dreamed of is within our reach! Beautiful girls wearing so many pearls! Caressing you, addressing you, making you screech! (James grabs the check and shouts “Not with my mom’s money!” as he tries to head for the door and the three have a well-choreographed chase dance as James leaps through and out the studio with check in hand as James puts it in his outgoing mail slot just as Alex and Theo mere seconds after the check is sent out!) WE WILL SUCCEED! This is not the time to fear! We will succeed! It’s a reality! Say goodbye to average joe! Hi producer! Yes producer! We mean you sir, filled with quirk! We will succeed! We will succeed, and we’ll never ever have to work!
Theodore Flume:
I’m in!
Alex & Theo (In unison):
What about you?
TLOTA (Singing):
What do I say, finally a producer?
Alex & Theo (In Unison):
YES!
TLOTA (Singing):
What do I say, finally a chance to do a show, sir?
Alex & Theo (In Unison):
YES!
TLOTA (Singing):
What do I say? What do I say? Here’s what I say to you sirs!
Alex & Theo (In Unison):
YES!
TLOTA:
NO!
Alex & Theo (In Unison):
NO?
TLOTA:
Yes, I am saying NO to the two of you! I just put the check my mom gave me to the slot to the Landlord. I have enough to deal with in my own studio! (Cut to Alex and Theo looking at each other as the “Unhappy/ I Wanna Be A Producer” soundalike plays before cutting to Team TLOTA in James’ Studio as they sigh OY! As they lug props and costumes)
Team TLOTA (Singing in harmony):
We’re crazy! We’re Crazy! Tooootally Crazy! We’re crazy! We’re Crazy! Totally, Totally, Totally, Totally Crazy! (Camera pans to James, Alex & Theo)
Alex Tallycost:
So, this is your studio. Filled with props and costumes
Theodore Flume:
You work here and so do your friends?
TLOTA:
Pretty much, Oh, by the by, Guys the rent is paid and just in case our guests have forgot (James joins in with Team TLOTA)
James & Team TLOTA (Singing in harmony):
We’re crazy! We’re Crazy! Totally, Totally, Totally, Totally Crazy (Cut to Alex and Theo)
Theodore Flume:
You know with all these props and costumes; you guys must be doing something like us. (Cut to James and Team TLOTA)
TLOTA:
Not really. (Singing): I spend my nights here watching movies, TV and such!
Team TLOTA (Singing):
We’re Crazy!
TLOTA (Singing):
To what is our yearly take home, the numbers aren’t much!
Team TLOTA (Singing):
We’re Crazy!
TLOTA (Singing):
But I’m in a good position, fulfills my creative soul and it takes people a while to know me in this ro-oo-le! (James grabs a fancy magicians’ hat and cane) I’m an internet reviewer, with a following on the net. I’m an internet reviewer, Studios sees me as a threat. I’m an internet reviewer, To Hollywood I’m a paa-i-n. I’m an internet reviewer and I can describe myself as insane (James taps the cane onto the door to the right and it glows a golden radiance and Alex and Theodore look before seeing the door open and a troupe of female chorus dancers sashay past the duo including the last one who looks like she’s been there for too long as they form a line behind James) I’m an Internet Reviewer and I sleep for an hour or two. I’m an internet reviewer and I make sketches with things that go Pew-Pew and of course (James tosses a grenade offscreen then cut to Deadpool played by Cambell Dodson as the grenade lands at his feet.)
Deadpool:
OH CANADA! (The grenade explodes leaving Deadpool hurt in a cartoonish way.) Kaboom (Deadpool drops as females go OOH before James slides the scene back to the line of female chorus dancers and James slides in)
TLOTA (Singing):
I’m an Internet Reviewer try to watch movies every niiiii-iiiight! (James leaps over Alex & Theo and the two turns over to see James at the main door) I’m an Internet Reviewer and you can see me James Faraci The Last Of The Americans on these sites! (James points down to http://www.manic-expression.com/ & https://jamesfaracitlota.blogspot.com/ then walks through the door and onto a Broadway stage that had James’ name and Title on Marquees as James and a troupe of Female Chorus Dancers as he dances with them before the biggest Marquee shows James’s Name and Title takes up the screen as James is in the center of the female Chorus Troupe as they dance up the backside of the marquee)
Female Chorus Dancers (Singing):
He’s an Internet Reviewer who gets knocked down on his ass! He’s an Internet Reviewer constantly strapped for cash. He’s an Internet Reviewer smacked around ‘till he cries…(Show James getting hit and crying in pain before the last in the Chorus Line knocks him on his ass and James cries “Ouch” and the Chorus continue to hurt him as they dance) He’s an Internet Reviewer who sleeps on a horseshoe couch! (Show James as he gets his ass handed to him as the Female Chorus Dancers continue to kick his ass and dance at the same time.)
TLOTA (Singing):
I can be seen! (Cut to female chorus)
Female Chorus:
On Computer screens! (Cut to James)
TLOTA (Singing):
Or Smart TVs (Cut to female chorus)
Female Chorus:
Or anything (Cut to James)
TLOTA (Singing):
With an Internet connection out there in the WORLD! (James holds on the word “WORLD” as the female chorus sings “He has to deal with Happy Madison’s POOP!”) I’m an internet reviewer, watching good and bad movies until I Puke!
Female Chorus (singing Audio only):
Watching movies till he pukes!
TLOTA (Singing):
I’m an Internet Reviewer hitting Hollywood with every shot! I’m gonna knock ‘em down straight to the bottom! Stuff them all in one big coffin! I’m an Internet Reviewer! (James screams as he’s tossed off the stage then cut to James as he walks in the door to his studio, takes off his hat and puts his cane away) It’s what I’m good at whether people like it or not! (Team TLOTA sings “We’re Crazy! Very, very!” as James sings “I’m an internet reviewer” while walking away for two seconds while Alex and Theo have a conversation before they accost James)
Alex Tallycost:
Wait a second, James, turn around and look. All this stuff, the sketches, the songs, the effort you put into this. James, you are one of us, YOU ARE A PRODUCER! Look at me, if we do this together, we will make so much money you’ll never have to worry about rent. You can do more than reviews! TV Series, Movies, ANYTHING YOU WANT TO MAKE! Think about it!
TLOTA:
That does sound tempting. Guys do you think we…
Team TLOTA (In Unison):
YES!
(Music sound-alike to “We Can Do it” Reprise”)
TLOTA:
Well it’s official. We’ll work together and…(Singing):
We will succeed! (Cut to everyone dancing, Team TLOTA singing “We’re going to be producers” as James sing “We Will Succeed! We shall expand our grasp! With my connections and your intentions”)
Alex Tallycost, Theodore Flume & TLOTA (Singing):
Up together we shall zoom!
Everyone (Singing in unison):
We Will Succeed! We Will Succeed!
TLOTA (Singing):
Get ready to have things go KA-BOOOOM!
Alex Tallycost, Theodore Flume & TLOTA (Singing in unison):
We are fated to be creative. We’re Faraci, Tallycost and Flume! (Everyone else cheers in musical jubilation then cutting to James and Team TLOTA looking over scripts.)
Paulo Fonseca:
So… is this part of the Producing process?
Olivia Horvath:
Yep, reading a lot of scripts is fifty five percent of the job as is going through a TON of material!
TLOTA:
And that’s nothing, I’ve got to make sure that the props and costumes will work within small venue stages properly, unless they have connections to Broadway, which something tells me they do. But how they kept those connections is surprising even after flops. (Cut to stills of The Producers as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
And that is something I found implausible about Max Bialystock’s character. How after so many failed productions he still has connections unless he’s like the relationship of Brock Lesnar and The McMahons and has some dirty laundry hanging over them. But what I like about Max’s job is how accurate it is. Believe it or not writers submit a lot and Producers go through Forests filled with scripts just to get the ones they like and push ahead with the project. (Cut to James and the rest of Team TLOTA)
John Santos:
Kind of how WWE is doing things. Instead of listening to the fans and tell Lesnar to drop the strap and go the hell away. They’re letting him run roughshod and the fans suffer and that’s only on Raw on Smackdown It’s worse.
Mike Santos:
Well it is better than how they’re doing at that other company.
Ed Champion:
Hey James, how about this one? (Ed Hands James the Script he’s looking at.)
TLOTA:
A Musical that shows George Washington as an idiot and the American Revolutionaries as butthurt because 2+2 must equal IFLYDACHOOCHOOTRAIN! PASS! I’m not looking for a Hamilton knockoff.
Nick Yaun:
Hey James, you got a meeting with the duo in about five minutes.
Rebecca Yaun:
Maybe they have a script more to your liking.
TLOTA:
Hope so. (James walks over to Tallycost and Flume’s office) So guys any progress?
Alex & Theo (In Unison):
Nope.
Alex Tallycost:
But it is hard given the restrictions you’ve put on us.
Theodore Flume:
I’ve been reading the same scripts since yesterday! This is maddening!
TLOTA:
FOR THE LOVE OF PEAT MOSS! WE HAVE TO FIND SOMETHING! A SCRIPT LIKE THE ONE WE NEED ISN’T GONNA FALL FROM THE SKY! (Cut to the top of the pile of scripts as it starts to shake and then land on the trio as they scream then cut to James’ Head, Alex and Theo’s head pop up!)
TLOTA:
I guess I could be wrong! (A script lands in the center of the three and Alex pulls his hand out of the pile to grab the scrpit)
Alex Tallycost:
Do you have some sort of ability to have something that someone find the one thing they want?
TLOTA:
I Wish, I just sent a message to my colleagues to get us out of the pile. (Cut to the three after they get out of the pile and Alex holding the script he saw.)
Alex Tallycost:
While we were getting out of that, I found this as the last script that landed. Do you see it?
TLOTA:
Yes.
Alex Tallycost:
Smell it (James looks confused as Theo smells it and then James puts his nose to smell it) Touch it! (James looks even more confused as he touches it as does Theo.) Kiss it! KISS IT!
TLOTA:
NO! And Theo if you kiss it, the next thing you’ll be kissing is my fist then the ground, Six feet of it! Now What is that Script?
Alex Tallycost:
It’s the motherload! Read the title! (James grabs the script)
TLOTA:
“The Summer Of Saddam, Osama and Barack” “A gay romp in the middle east with Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden & The only American President Barack Obama” SERIOUSLY?!
Alex Tallycost:
It’s perfect!
TLOTA:
IT’S FRIGGIN GARBAGE! I’D RATHER BE PRODUCING THE HAMILTON KNOCK OFF THAT I REJECTED!
Alex Tallycost:
But it’s better and do you know why?
TLOTA:
I’m afraid to ask but why?
Alex Tallycost:
Because my dear James we’re halfway there with this script. Now all we have to do is get the rights from the writer. Theo, whose accredited as the writer?
Theodore Flume:
Hassan Bin Onsonar!
TLOTA:
That cannot be his real moniker! (Theodore shows the page that shows the name of the author of the play) Well, I’ll be damned, it is! So, you two deal with this Hassan Bin Onsonar and I’ll meet up with the director you have in mind.
Theodore Flume:
Who did we have in mind?
Alex Tallycost:
She’s an old dear friend of mine, Rhonda Degree!
TLOTA:
Rhonda “Preview night closer” Degree?
Alex and Theo (In Shocked Unison):
You know her?
TLOTA:
Yeah, I know her, she was in 324 before you guys were here.
Alex Tallycost:
So you’re old friends then?
TLOTA:
Well now I wouldn't say that.
Alex Tallycost:
Well we’ll see you at her place then since you know where she lives and let us not forget
TLOTA, Alex & Theo (Singing in unison):
We're gonna be the producers of our great big Broadway show! (Alex, Theo and James try to step out the door at the same time to only be comedically stuck in the doorway before James and Theo back up to let Alex out first, followed by Theo and then James as he closes the door, the scene cuts to a rooftop where an Middle Eastern Man played by Paulo Fonseca Is taking care of goats when Alex and Theo arrive.)
Alex Tallycost:
Hassan Bin Onsonar? (Hassan turns to his pen in fear)
Hassan:
I am not a member of any terrorist organization! I served in the Middle East to protect the people! I had nothing to do with Saddam & Osama escaping the Americans for as long as they did! I lived on the borders of the Holy Land! Right next to Israel! All I heard was prayers! (Hassan makes the same praying noises he heard in Israel) Who are you? What do you want? My paperwork is in order tell Trump he can suck my…
Alex Tallycost:
Relax Mr. Bin Onsonar, We're not from the government, we’re producers. My name is Alex Tallycost and this Is my associate Mr. Theodore Flume, We're here about your show.
Hassan:
My show? You mean the summer of (Hassan looks around in fear for two seconds) them?
Alex Tallycost:
That's the one!
Hassan:
What about it?
Alex Tallycost:
Me, my partner and our associate Mr. James Faraci, find it to be wonderful, magnificent, stupendous we're gonna put it on Broadway!
Hassan:
Broadway? OH, PRAISE BE TO ALLAH! I AM GOING TO BROADWAY! I MUST GO AND TELL THE GOATS! GOATS! GOATS DO YOU HEAR?! Oh, Abdul, Bashaarat, Dabir, Erol, Farhaan, Fard! Barack, Osama & Saddam! Do you hear? We’re finally going to show the United States the reality! You know not many people knew this about Saddam and Osama, but they shared E-Mails about how great the Middle East is with Barack Obama and how they would’ve made all of us richer than Sultans.
Alex:
Gee, I never heard about…
Hassan:
THAT IS BECAUSE YOU WERE TAKEN IN BY THAT SATAN FOX NEWS! With their Journalistic integrity, their shows that allowed Women to speak and show more than their eyes and their rotten stories about how evil all my Middle Eastern Family and Friends are! ROTTEN! CNN and those other news networks are the real news. They can cover the same stories in one day! Two times!
Alex Tallycost:
Well, that’s why we’re here to send the message of the memories of Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden & Barack Obama that you know of, The Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden & Barack Obama that had a Prayer to Allah on the lips and a fatwah to the American Dream straight to Broadway. Sign! Sign on the dotted line and we’ll make your dream a reality.
Hassan:
No, not until you do one thing!
Alex and Theo (In Unison):
What one thing? (Cut to James outside of the town house of Rhonda Degree)
TLOTA:
HE WANTS ME TO DO WHAT?! (Cut to Hassan, Alex and Theo)
Hassan:
YOU MUST TAKE THE OATH OF ALLAH! (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
I think I can help make things easier. DEADPOOL! (A Whistling sound is heard and then a crash as Deadpool played by Cambell Dodson walks over to James shakes off the Debris from his landing.)
Deadpool:
What do you want Cochise? (James whispers into Deadpool’s ear) Ooh, sounds like fun! (Deadpool walks out of frame to see James getting pushed to the left as the scene becomes split between James and Hassan and Alex and Theo) Okay James, if you need me for anything let me know.
TLOTA:
You got it! (James peeks over the Split screen) Okay, Now, this Oath of Allah, what must I do, say and wear.
Hassan:
You must wear this (Hassan gives James Traditions Muslim Kufi then gives it to Alex & Theo) Now Repeat after me. I swear on the Quran (James, Alex and Theo repeat) To obey the Oath of Allah! (James, Alex and Theo repeat) AND (James, Alex and Theo repeat) UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH! (James repeats questioningly as Alex and Theo say so without question) DISHONOR THE SPIRITS AND MEMORIES OF BARACK HUSSEIN MARY OBAMA, SADDAM ELIZABETH HUSSEIN AND OSAMA CATHERINE BIN LADEN! (James, Alex and Theo repeat until they say “Of” before James asks “Mary?”, Alex says “Elizabeth?” and Theo says “Catherine?”) Oh yeah, even fewer people knew that Barack, Saddam and Osama were descended from English royalty!
TLOTA:
Really?
Hassan:
Yes!
TLOTA:
ALLRIGHTY THEN! (James, Alex and Theo say “Barack Hussein Mary Obama, Saddam Elizabeth Hussein and Osama Catherine Bin Laden”)
Hassan Bin Onsonar:
Excellent, now to sign on the dotted line and together we shall share the spoils of our Victory!
TLOTA:
Yeah, okay guys jump the split screen, Hassan, we’ll see you later when we begin pre-production and casting. Bye! (James shoves the portion of the split screen that has Hassan Bin Onsonar off as he says, “What nice American pigs!” and Hassan’s side crashes and James grabs Alex and Theo’s Kufis and James takes his kufi off and tosses them off screen!)
Theodore Flume:
Um, I must ask, how did ANY of this work?
TLOTA:
Through the magic of Mel Brooks! (Cut to clips of Mel Brooks’ movies and other works including the original version, The Broadway Production of and the Movie Musical version of “The Producers” as James does a voice over)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
And really that’s the best way to describe the movies Mel Brooks have directed, produced and either co-starring or starring in and I love them! He made one of the greatest sitcoms taking the air out of the spy genre with the series “Get Smart” to making us laugh at how white bread most westerns even though a lot of the Westerns I’ve seen are very diverse and they appear to treat people of different ethnicities with decency but that’s neither here nor there. What really surprised me is how many well revered earning an Emmy, Grammy and One Academy Award and Three Tony Awards for “The Producers”. He created his production company Brooksfilm and had David Lynch direct “The Elephant Man” and David Cronenberg direct a remake of “The Fly” and while the sequel for “The Fly” was not as successful it was entertaining. Then came the parodies of the late 1980’s-Early 1990’s. For many people they were a low point, to me I love “Spaceballs”, I love “Robin Hood: Men In Tights”, even Mel’s last directorial effort “Dracula: Dead & Loving It” was entertaining as he took the pomposity out of the overblown and overly long “Francis Ford Coppola’s Dracula”. It’s just a shame he isn’t directing anymore but to know his movies are still here for our enjoyment is something that no one can take away! (Cut to James, Alex and Theo on the front porch of Rhonda Degree’s town house)
TLOTA:
At any rate, we’re just in time for our meeting with Rhonda. (James prepares to knock on the door as a man dressed in a black unitard played by Antoni Matteo Garcia as he says “Yes” and holds on the s for five seconds) Hi there, I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, these are my associates Mr. Alexander Tallycost and Theodore Flume we’re here to see Rhonda. (A man dressed in a black unitard looks over the three with his glasses before he addresses them)
Calvin Chia (Played by Antoni Matteo Garcia):
My name is Calvin Chia, Miss Rhonda Degree’s personal associate and I must insist that you take off your shoes, your coats and hats. (Cut to James, Alex and Theo)
TLOTA:
Of course. (James takes his boots and a bird falls from the sky D.O.A before cutting to Calvin, James, Alex and Theo walking to the couch.)
Calvin Chia:
Have a seat, OH RHONDA! We’re not alone! (The three try to get comfortable) Heeeere’s Rhonda! (Rhonda Degree played by Circe Rae Mears enters with a mermaid top and a skirt made of Green Metallic grass and a tail covering her butt before cutting to James, Alex and Theo on the couch.)
TLOTA:
Rhonda! It’s been a dog’s age! (Cut to Rhonda)
Rhonda Degree:
Ah Messieurs Faraci, Tallycost and Flume! Oh! Forgive the pun! (James gets hit on the face with the tail as he sits there)
Theodore Flume:
What Pun?
Alex Tallycost:
Shut up, she thinks she’s witty! How delightful to see you again! (Cut to Rhonda and Calvin)
Rhonda Degree:
It has been forever, are you enjoying the space next to him? (Cut to James as he tries to pick himself up)
TLOTA:
Actually, I almost lost my studio because they had the other half of my rent money, now I’m here. Anyway, did you get the script we sent you?
Rhonda Degree:
Read it, loved it! And it was so informative, for instance did you know Iraq, Iran and Israel were in the Middle East?
Alex Tallycost:
Well, we all learn something new every day. (Rhonda puts her hand up)
Rhonda Degree:
Your friend is staring at my costume! Tonight, is the annual Costume Ball and I’m going as Ariel from The Little Mermaid (Rhonda turns and smacks James again) though I think I look more like Charlie The Tuna!
Calvin Chia:
Well if you ask me without your wig you’re not fully dressed.
Rhonda Degree:
Well then get it, O Wicked Witch! (Calvin starts to cry)
Calvin Chia:
If your intent was to stab me through the heart…. BULLSEYE! (Cut to James as he gets up)
TLOTA:
Rhonda, trust me you do not look like Charlie The Tuna! I’ve seen some attractive mermaids and you rank right up there amongst them (Rhonda turns around and sends a lamp flying with her tail that bounces off the wall and hits James in the head shattering on impact)
Rhonda Degree:
Oh thank you for the compliment James. Now (Rhonda turns around and smacks James yet again and a soundalike to “Keep It Gay” starts) about me directing this I simply cannot, it is not my cup of tea! (James gets back up on his feet before getting smacked by Rhonda’s tail again)
Rhonda Degree (Singing):
All Theatre shows are obsessed with hammering messages so incensed, it’s hard to watch a show on Broadway! Shows should be silly, they should have great stories, everyone must be… What’s the word? (Cut to James as he tries to get back up and says “Entertaining?” before cutting to Alex, Theo, Rhonda and Calvin as he holds the Ariel wig as Rhonda shouts “Yes!”)
Rhonda Degree (Singing):
No matter what you hear on the news, leave it be, dance and sing, entertain! If it doesn’t affect your day, don’t complain, it’s a pain, entertaaain! (Rhonda turns to Calvin and James get smacked in the head again)
Calvin Chia (Singing):
People don’t need the news everywhere that they go. The only thing people need is a laugh or two or so!
Rhonda and Calvin (Singing in harmony):
A happy story will hold anger at bay!
Rhonda:
Hamilton wouldn’t be a bore
Calvin Chia (Singing):
If the show was about the real Revolutionary War!
Rhonda (Singing):
Entertain!
Calvin (Singing):
Entertain!
Rhonda and Calvin (Singing in harmony):
Entertaaain!
Alex:
Couldn’t disagree with you and you have our blessing to make “The Summer Of Saddam, Osama and Barack” as entertaining as you want to.
Rhonda:
Oh thank you Alex, but I feel I cannot do it any justice. Still with all things being fair, maybe I should ask my production team! (Rhonda turns around and James gets smacked in the face and knocked down again by Rhonda’s tail!) HEY EVERYONE, COME AND MEET FARACI, TALLYCOST AND FLUME! Behold my set designer, Brenda! (Brenda played by Ariel Mears makes it down the spiral stairs)
Brenda (Singing):
Make it loud, make it bright! ENTERTAAAAIN!
Rhonda (Off-Screen):
My Costume maker, Zelda (Zelda played by Olivia Horvath comes down the spiral stairs)
Zelda (Singing):
Hello, make it pretty, make it Glittery, Entertain!
Brenda and Zelda (Singing in harmony as James tries to get back up on his feet):
We’re intelligent, incredible it’s our job to see that everything is just right for Rhonda Degree!
Rhonda:
My choreographer, Bruce (Cut to the spiral staircase as Bruce played by Alberto Rodriguez says, “Hi there!” slides down the bannister clocking James in the jaw then hitting James with every kick in his dance routine knocking James down)
Rhonda:
Finally my lighting designer, Caitlyn. (Cut to a VERY HIDEOUS woman played in drag by Cambell Dodson)
Caitlyn (Singing):
Entertain! Entertain! Entertain! (Caitlyn walks away before cutting to James down on the ground again)
TLOTA:
Okay, I think I have a concussion, just let me lay down here and die. I’m done! Can’t take any… (Rhonda’s left foot lands on James’ right hand and he screams in pain.)
Rhonda:
And they’ve just read “The Summer Of Saddam, Osama and Barack” and they have thoughts.
Brenda (Singing):
It needs power!
Zelda (Singing):
It needs Zip!
Bruce (Singing):
It needs love!
Caitlyn (Singing):
It need a trip! (Cut to James as he tries once again to get up and leans on the bannister and makes it to Alex and Theo)
Alex:
We’re losing her, we need someone to…
TLOTA:
Theo! You’re going in!
Theodore Flume:
WHAT? (Cut to Calvin and the Creative Team)
Calvin Chia (Singing):
And so the rule is when you’re in a play!
Calvin and the Creative Team (Singing in unison):
Keep it light, keep it bright, Entertaaain! (Cut to James and Theo)
TLOTA:
Theo, in case you haven’t noticed, I look like I’ve been going fifteen rounds with Muhammad Ali in his prime and I’m losing! You’re going in and taking a few shots.
Theo:
Yeah, but… (James shoves Theo onto Rhonda) Hello there Rhonda. I must say you look rather fetching.
Rhonda:
Why thank you. Say have you ever been on a single’s cruise?
Theo:
No, not recently.
Rhonda:
Oh, well… what is that enchanting musk?
Theo:
Fear/Flop sweat?
Rhonda:
Hmm, if I could bottle your Fear/Flop sweat, I’d have you all over me! (Theo slowly but surely backs up to James and Alex.)
Theo:
Alex, you’re going in!
Alex:
Fine, leave it to me to clean up the mess you two made.
TLOTA:
Does that include the blood that’s been gushing out of me?
Alex:
Rhonda! I truly believe that “The Summer Of Saddam, Osama and Barack” would be a fantastic opportunity for you. You’ve been associated with dare I say Frivolous Musicals.
Rhonda:
You’re right! I feel as if I’ve been wasting my life on dopey showgirls and gooey gowns make anyone heave their cookies. But still I simply cannot!
Alex:
But think of the respect, the prestige! Think of THE TONY! (Cut to Calvin and the Creative staff sing “Tony” five times before cutting to Rhonda as she appears to have a seizure and James gets another smack from Rhonda’s tail as Alex and Theo grab her.)
Theo:
Is she alright? (Cut to Calvin as he walks up to them)
Calvin Chia:
She’s having a stroke!
TLOTA, Alex and Theo (In unified fear, Audio only):
WHAT?!
Calvin Chia:
OF BRILLIANCE!
Rhonda:
I see it now! Finally, a chance to do something of IMPORTANCE! (Rhonda turns around just as James tries to get back up and she smacks James down)
Calvin Chia (Singing):
Rhonda Degree presents the true story!
Rhonda:
But that third act needs to be re-written the American Soldiers are winning and of course Trump becoming President? Cannot Happen!
Calvin Chia (Singing):
Rhonda Degree presents the true story!
Rhonda:
I see it! (James tries to get back up again as Rhonda repeats “I see it!” turns and hits James in the back of the head with her tail)
Rhonda (Singing):
I see a line of girls dressed in proper Arab Female attire each one a gem! (Rhonda turns and smacks James again with her tail) With Saracen swords and whips on men’s hips it’s risqué, dare I say S&M (Rhonda turns smacking James again with her tail as the Creative staff shout “Love it!”) And Isis soldiers dancing through the Sudan played by Chorus boys in very tight pants and wait there’s more (Rhonda turns and smacks James again with her tail) THEY WIN THE WAR AND THE DANCES THEY DO WILL BE EVER SO NEW (Rhonda says the movements as James is constantly slapped back and forth by Rhonda’s Tail and collapses after the final movement she wants) Make it Sassy! Make it Classy! ENTERtaai!
Alex:
THAT IS BRILLIANT! THAT IS BRILLIANT! I SPEAK ON BEHALF OF MYSELF, MR. FARACI AND MR. FLUME WHEN I SAY THAT YOU RHONDA ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN DO JUSTICE TO “The Summer Of Saddam, Osama and Barack”! WILL YOU DO IT? Please!
Theo:
Please!
TLOTA:
Please call an ambulance!
Rhonda:
Now wait a moment! This is a monumental decision! Something that can change the course of careers! You must give me a moment! I’ll do it! (Singing): I’ll do IT! (Speaking) ABU, CHAMPAGNE! (Rhonda laughs before cutting to an elaborate dance number as everyone from the Creative team and every positive LGTBQ stereotype come in to flood the room as James stands up and gets smacked around during the dance number)
Everyone except James, Alex and Theo (Singing):
IF I WERE YOU AND YOU WANT A GOOD CHEER, ENTERTAIN! ENTERTAIN! ENTERTAIN! WHETHER IT’S MAMET OR SHAKESPEARE, ENTERTAIN! ENTERTAIN! ENTERTAAIN!
Calvin Chia (Singing):
Comedy & joy is the best delight! News and Dramas bore us and Ruin the night!
Everyone except James, Alex and Theo (Singing):
So keep the Times and Strindbergs at Bay!
Rhonda (Singing):
I’ll Sign!
Calvin (Singing):
Sign!
Creative Team (Singing):
SIGN!
TLOTA, Alex and Theo:
SIGN!
Rhonda:
Rhonda Mary Elizabeth Catherine Degree!
Everyone except James, Alex and Theo (Singing):
ENTERTAAIN!
TLOTA (Slightly out of it):
YO ADRIAN! I DID IT! (James lands on Abu as Conga music begins to play!)
Calvin Chia:
CONGA! (James says “huh?” then screams before a conga line is made and James’ watch is caught on Abu’s necklace and everyone save for James, Alex and Theo sing “And so the rule is when acting in a play! Entertain! Entertain! Entertain! As the Conga line reaches Abu and James as he’s being dragged along James shouts “HOW THE HELL DID I GET INTO THIS MESS?!” before fading to black before cutting to the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before fading to black)
To Be Concluded in Part 2
To Be Concluded in Part 2
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