Monday, February 5, 2018

Live To Win-Ter: "Cool" as a cucumber!

(Scene starts as James straps on snowboarding gear and snowboarding down a mountain before cutting to John Santos, Mike Santos, Eric Kurtzke as they do curling Paulo Fonseca, Nick Yaun, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion as they hit the ice in Team USA Hockey gear before seeing Renee Miller and Rebecca Yaun in a two-person Bobsled careening through the course before seeing Olivia Horvath and Brenda Fonseca team up in pair of choreographed ice skating as they do a matching flying triple salchow and land next to everyone on top of the Olympic Podium as they all raise their Gold Medals before the raising of the American flag is seen and as the flag waves the words “Live To Win-Ter” is seen as 2:20-3:09 of “Live To Win” by Paul Stanley plays in the foreground before cutting to James in his office on his phone.)
TLOTA:
I’m not accusing you of… YES, I will side with you in The Great War when it comes to the County of Sullivan and I will help you DELETE Bray Wyatt and do you know why I side with you and the Woken Warriors? Wait you knew I’d side you because King Arthur said, “I’d come to you with dire news that someone would say the words of the Woken one and claim The Woken one sent them to the one.” (James does the same laugh as Woken Matt Hardy is doing) But I assure you I only ask to exonerate you in hopes you would help me find out who would shatter the trust between you and The Woken Warriors. Yeah, have Julius Caesar work on finding out who’d do such a thing. Yes, Yes. DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! (James does the same laugh as Woken Matt Hardy is doing before James shuts off the phone and gets to his seat.)
TLOTA:
So, where was I? Oh yeah, the next installment of our Olympic movie marathon as we take one more of Disney’s Olympic Tales (Cut to opening of “Cool Runnings” before cutting to clips of the movie as “Rise Above It” by Rasta Rocket plays on the foreground and James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Yeah, the loosest based story about the first actual attempt for the Jamaican Bobsled Team to A) Come Together and B) Try to be accepted by their peers. Cool Runnings is a very unique movie about the Underdogs and how even though you might not get them now. You can earn the respect of others and understand each other. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
So let’s feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme and get on up because it’s bobsledding time and let’s get into COOOOOOOOL RUNNNNINGS! Yeah, I’m a dork.
(Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
As our movie begins we’re introduced Derice Bannock played by Leon as he practices for the 100m run for the 1988 Summer Olympics but slows down enough to meet his good friend Sanka Coffie played by Doug. E Doug as he gets ready for the Push Cart Rally which ends just as you think it would. (Cut to Sanka as he crashes the push cart and Derice asks Sanka if he’s dead and Sanka Replies “Yeah Mon!” before cutting to the qualifiers for the Olympics)
Things go about as well as one Junior Bevil played by Rawle D. Lewis has an accident that takes out not only Derice but also another runner played by Malik Yoba and he’s named… (Show clip of him saying his name is Yul Brenner before cutting to James physically mouthing “Yul Brenner?” “What?” Before cutting to clips of the real Yul Brynner as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
For those wondering the name is in reference to the legendary character actor who won an academy award and two Tony awards for the role of King Mongkut in Rodgers and Hammerstein’s “The King and I” He also got acclaim as Ramesses II in the Cecil B DeMille’s Biblical Blockbuster “The Ten Commandments” He had a very prolific career including movies like The Magnificent Seven (The original one), Westworld and its sequel Futureworld. He died from cancer in 1986 after returning to the role of King Mongkut in a traveling tour of “The King and I” and if you didn’t know well now you do. (Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Derice tries to ask for a do-over in which the head of the Jamaican Olympic Committee can’t do. Derice comes upon a picture of his father and another Olympian by the name of Irv Blitzer. (The head of the Jamaican Olympic Committee tells Derice about Irv’s plan to make a Jamaican Bobsled Team and Derice asking “What’s A Bobsled?” before cutting to James physically)
TLOTA:
A plot device for the movie. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Derice explains what a bobsled is to Sanka and after some initial hesitation Sanka signs on and they soon find their coach Irv Blitzer played by the late John Candy as he’s pretty much down and out. (Show clip of Irv Blitzer as he goes off on a radio in which the horse race he was betting on went against him before cutting to James physically as everyone else off screen says “STOP!” before cutting to James meeting up with the others in the lobby)
TLOTA:
What is it this time? (Cut to everyone else)
Paulo Fonseca:
We know you you’re going to say. It involves the New York Jets and how you would like to see the current New York Jets Coaching Staff…
Rebecca Yaun:
And their head Coach…
Nick Yaun:
Todd “Toilet” Bowles…
Brenda Fonseca:
Somehow be given lessons on how to care and how to win…
Ed Champion:
Or fired and replaced…
Andrew Beach:
With a Coaching Staff that can make the New York Jets winners…
Olivia Horvath:
Then get the team a defense line that can finally put Tom Brady…
John Santos:
and those no good lousy stinking cheating Patriots straight to hell…
Mike Santos:
And an offensive line that can get the New York Jets to win the Super Bowl.
Everyone else (In Unison):
And until that happens while you’ll support the team, you are done waiting for them to get their heads out of their collective asses and get the job done! (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Wow, am I that predictable in terms of my relationship for the New York Jets team but not how they’re getting the job done? (Cut to everyone else nodding yes before cutting back to James as he looks sadly confused to the fact about how right they are.) Don’t know how to react to that.
(Cut to 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return to the review as it cuts to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
After bugging the hell out of Irv. They finally get him on board though with a great amount of reluctance. They also get Yul and Junior on board as well even though Junior’s father is looking to send him to become a banker. But as training progresses with everyone laughing in their faces they face yet another hurdle financial setbacks. After many a humorous attempt to make the cash including Sanka’s Reggae song. Junior comes up with the cash by selling his tickets to go else where and a car. So, it’s off to the 1988 Winter Olympics where the weather there is Slightly warmer there than it is here! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Not even kidding it is now a balmy 1-degree Fahrenheit. Allow me to show you. (James gets into his winter weather gear grabs a pot of boiling water and walks out to the outside of his office to toss the boiling water into a sheet of ice two seconds after tossing it before cutting to the others seeing the sheet of ice.)
Andrew Beach:
Dude, was that…
TLOTA:
Boiling water? It was. Now it’s a sheet of ice.
John Santos:
But you weren’t out there for five seconds!
TLOTA:
I know! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
After getting themselves set in Olympic Village, what do they do? Get a Bobsled. Leading to my first big reoccurring joke. (Show clip of the Jamaican Bobsled Team as they go into the track and then comedically not come out of the turn.)
Derice:
Sanka! Ya Dead?
Sanka:
Yeah Mon!
Derice:
Well, you can pee now.
Sanka:
Um… Too Late!
TLOTA (Voiceover):
After a few embarrassing practices and a threat from Junior’s father to take him off the team, the others decide to blow off some steam at a bar in Calgary where Junior gets a lesson in manning up which leads to a very humorous bar fight! (Cut to James physically as a bottle gets thrown James’ way and he ducks.)
TLOTA:
OKAY! You wanna try me?! (James opens a bottle of Martinelli’s, chugs it down and breaks the bottom off!) BRING IT ON! MON! (James jumps over the camera before cutting to James wailing on everything in sight then getting knocked off screen before we hear a pool cue crack and a voice saying, “You shouldn’t have done that!” before cutting to the outside of the bar and Elmer Bernstein’s more comical music from “Big Jake” is heard in the foreground along with punches. James is thrown out the front door before cutting to a pair of shoes which quickly pans up to see the face of Brian Zane from “Wrestling With Wregret”)
Brian Zane:
You better quit being unfriendly mister! (Cut to James as he gets up)
TLOTA:
Hold it there, friend! I think there’s been a mistake. Have you ever been to Nacogdoches? (Cut to Brian Zane)
Brian Zane:
Nacogdoches? No (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Strange, sorry about that, pardon me. (James walks away as Brian is left there pondering)
Brian Zane:
But I’ve never been to Nacogdoches! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Irv and Derice keep them from getting jailed but Irv has all he can stand of them being as immature as five-year olds!  (Show clip of Irv blowing up on the team before cutting to James physically)
TLOTA:
Damn dude make ‘em feel even smaller than they are why don’t ya? But I understand why he did it. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
The next morning we get a staple in the Sports movie. The Montage and to be fair it does show the Jamaican Bobsled team improving with everything the IOC threw at them in their trial they’re…. disqualified. CRAP! Well that doesn’t sit well with Irv at all. (Show clip of Irv Blitzer as he tells the IOC what happened to get his medal revoked and to chew out the IOC before cutting back to the rest of the movie as James does a voiceover)
After Irv said his peace, The IOC decides “Eh, let the Jamaicans Bobsled.” They take it professionally! (Show everyone getting excited before cutting to James physically)
TLOTA:
Okay, show a little more energy, could you not be so restrained. (Cut to Irv Blitzer as he says, “No Problem Mon!” before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
The first run begins and to say they were pretty much as the same as Ishtar is underestimating it. Their coach handles it well. (Show Irv letting them know about how disappointed in them he is.) As the others in the team is wondering what to do next. Derice who has been a little too into the Swiss team tries to think how the Swiss would handle something like this when Sanka tells Derice that the only way they’ll win is to not think Swiss but instead think Jamaican! By their next run not only have they gotten their groove they find the other teams and the Olympic announcement team getting behind them. The time of their big run that helps them get to the medal round is upon them. Derice and Irv have a moment to contemplate the circumstances that got them there and Irv tells Derice to enjoy the ride. The final race to qualify for the medals are upon the team when the unthinkable happens (Show the Bobsled crashing before cutting to James physically)
TLOTA:
And for those who thought I’d do some sort of silly sound effect or something like that then I suggest you consider that the real team can forever remember the smell of burning fiberglass when they crashed in the fourth turn and the Jamaicans have yet to even get to the Medal round to this day. It’d either demoralize a team or it’d make this type of ending. (Cut to the ending as the team get out of the sled and carry their sled across the finish line before cutting to the rest of the ending as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
As the team take their sled across the finish line earning the respect of their peers. The movie ends letting us know while that the next time the team returned as equals. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And though the real team have yet to earn the real deal. I’m gonna say that Cool Runnings has more than earned its weight in gold. (Cut to clips of the movie as “Rise Above It” by Rasta Rocket plays on the foreground and James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
The acting from the cast was amazing and though it was one of John Candy’s last movies, he put his all into the role of Irv Blitzer. The character interaction is possibly some of the best I’ve seen in a movie. Even though it does play loosey goosey with the source material there was so much enjoyable feel good moments that I can honestly recommend it. Give it a watch and feel The Cool running through you. (Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That’s my opinion. (James steps away before cutting to a few hours later as he’s put everything up before cutting to everyone else as they’re relaxing in the main lobby.)
TLOTA:
So guys, we need to talk. (Cut to everyone else)
Paulo Fonseca:
If it’s about what we’ve been doing interrupting the reviews to break the tropes you’ve been doing by basically saying what we know you were going to say and have all of us say it, we’ve decided to back off that. (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
No, I’m glad you’re doing that. Helps keep me going with fresh ideas on how to be funny in these reviews. I wanted to say that I’ll see everybody in March so that way we can get the rest of the year’s reviews out of the way. (Cut to everyone else)
Olivia Horvath:
Well we hope you have some plans.
Ed Champion:
Yeah, I mean I don’t mind an easy paycheck, but we need to be doing more for our buck.
Andrew Beach:
And we’ve been talking that we shouldn’t be leaving you alone.
Eric Kurtzke:
That letter you got last month should be a warning. We took it to the cops and they said… (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Unless they try to do something to me, there’s nothing they can do. I know that because hours after I got it, I sent it to the police. Besides, Alex is coming by and we’ll be watching the Olympics. (Cut to the others)
Team TLOTA (In Unison):
Cool!
Rebecca Yaun:
I know I was a little worried about you last year but the way I saw you and her at that holiday party, you two it feels right. (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Hey we’re not official yet so let me take my time. See you guys next month. (The others walk out of the building as James double checks everything before his cell phone rings) Hello, oh hey Alex… Yeah, the Top 10 list is done, I tossed in a few Honorable Mentions and… Oh, Okay I Totally understand. Working on getting Season 4 up and going, totally hear where you’re coming from. I’m working on my fifth-year anniversary, I’ve got reviews and other countdowns to take care of. Yeah Next time you’re in town we’ll do something you want. Sure thing. You are most Welcome. See you then. Goodbye. (James shuts off his cell phone and mouths words “Alex, I love you.” Then sighs before the instrumental of “Mad World” by Gary Jules and James sings the lyrics as he locks the Studio down, puts on his winter gear and closes the front door and takes a moment to take off his glasses as he sings the last words of “Mad World” when a male voice behind him says “Well then, let me take you out of this world!” James says “Huh?” turns around to see a shovel clocking him and James’ glasses are thrown off him as we see through the lenses as James is shoved into a trunk of a car and is taken away fading to black)