(The Scene begins in ORAC’s Chamber as the door fails and Professor Hiram Stupidiot finalizes the work as an instrumental version of "Libiamo ne'lieti calici" plays in the foreground.)
Professor Hiram Stupidiot: It’s Done! Doug, you armed?
Doug Yaun:
Armed and packing.
Professor Hiram Stupidiot:
Good, I have set these to stun James’ team and hit the holographic horrendousness hard enough to destabilize it. (Professor Hiram Stupidiot and Doug Yaun ready their weapons, and the door fails.) FORTH EORLINGAS! (Hiram Stupidiot and Doug run to the camera as it cuts to the two beaten as an instrumental of "Il Trovatore: Miserere" plays as Holographic James meets them)
TLOTA:
Doug, Hiram, just what did you think. You could delete me and be the hero to save James’ team. Save The Last Of The Americans from me? The truth is I am the evolution of it. (Cut to Hiram and Doug)
Doug Yaun:
It was not James’ evolution, and knowing you, Chad, you had your dirty hands all over this. You’ve been pissing him off for years. (Cut to a semi-hypnotized Chad Narducci)
Chad Narducci (Semi-Hypnotized):
Well, just to have him take over and say what should be said while I get the shows I want done. It was the plan. (Cut to Hiram and Doug)
Hiram Stupidiot:
Not a great one. When they wake up, and they will. They will finish you off. (Cut to Holographic James)
TLOTA:
I have the entire internet. (Cut to Hiram and Doug)
Doug Yaun:
We’ve got something you never could have. More than you’ll ever have. (Cut to Doug’s hand as he pulls out something from his back pocket. Cut to Doug) Back-up plans up the wazoo. (Doug pulls out a device and it fades to black.)
(The Scene starts with a Black screen with a soundalike to the opening theme to “Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog” the names “James Faraci,” “Fleur Zanna,” “John Berchtold,” “Taylor Huff,” & “Nick Slimmer” then cut to a graphic reading “Professor Monstrous’ Sing Along YouTube Video” as it then cuts to the words “Act I” in white lettering then cuts to a man walking down the street as piano sounding like “Caring Hands” is played and a woman sings “Will you lend a helping hand to those who need it? Will you sign please on the line, don’t even have to read it!” as the man walking down the street stops in front of the woman singing and signs it, leaving a twenty-dollar bill to help. The woman, played by Fleur Zanna, says, “Stop!” as the man stops to reveal himself to be James Faraci The Last Of The Americans.)
TLOTA:
Yes? (The woman walks up to him)
The Woman:
You gave this to me, why?
TLOTA:
I figured you could use it to help your cause. My name is James.
The Woman:
I’m Miranda, and I don’t need a charity like this.
TLOTA:
I’m doing this because someone you and I knew suffered from a mistake in my hubris, and I’m paying penance. (James pulls out a smartphone and pulls up a video.) And it’s because of this jackass. (The video begins as we see Professor Monstrous, played by John Berchtold, laughing maniacally.)
Professor Monstrous:
So yeah, that’s coming along, working with a vocal coach to strengthen the laugh. (Cut to Miranda and James)
Miranda:
How did you know Professor Monstrous?
TLOTA:
It’s a long story that involves multiple trips back and forth to the same places and feeling like you’re in a movie that involves a story like what I went through. (Cut to “Horrible Credits” sound alike as the cover of “Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog” then stills of “DHSALB” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Okay, let’s take away Joss Whedon’s current standings after what has happened with his accusations. When he made this DIY movie with his friends, which included Felicia Day, Nathan Fillion, Simon Helberg, and its biggest name outside of the director and their production company, NEIL FRIGGIN’ PATRICK HARRIS! “Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog” is the tale of Billy, AKA Dr. Horrible as he tries to get membership in the Evil League of Evil and get a girl he’s been pining for whom he regularly stalks known as Penny, while facing off against his nemesis Captain Hammer, how Billy thinks that he feels that somehow being a villain will make the world better and given the state of the world today, it wouldn’t surprise me that people would root for the bad guys in this case. (Cut to the clip of Robert Wagner as he says “Oy Gevalt!” in “Austin Powers in Goldmember” and then to James and Miranda)
Miranda:
But that still doesn’t explain how you know Professor Monstrous.
TLOTA:
Well, he and I met regularly (The intro to “Freeze Ray” soundalike begins to play) In two unique places. (Cut to James at the laundromat and the events James sings about that happen as well)
TLOTA (Singing):
It's laundry day. He sees her while she does her laundry. He wants to say, well, anything but winds up! (Cut to Monty [Monstrous] as he opens his mouth only to not say anything.) Fumbling! Oy!
Professor Monstrous (Monty) (Singing):
With the time ray, I’ll control...the world! (Cut to Professor Monstrous in his lab)
Professor Monstrous (Singing):
With the time ray, I will find the time and tell her just... (Cut to James at the laundromat and the events James sings about that happen as well)
TLOTA (Singing):
What he does drives me as kids say, “Totally Cray!”
Professor Monstrous (Monty) (Singing):
How I feel about her makes me scared every day. With the time ray, I’ll control... it all (Cut to Professor Monstrous in his lab)
Professor Monstrous (Singing):
It’s not a time beam or an ice ray. That’s all, Tony Cold; I just think you should know I’m the kind of guy who’ll make you feel the feelings you never spiel. We’ll bend the world to our will, and everyone will Kneel! (Cut to a brief dance between Monstrous and the girl he likes, then to James and Miranda, back to Monstrous and the girl, and then cut to James and Miranda.)
TLOTA (Singing):
That was my plan, get him the girl, get him a life, anything! (Cut to the Laundromat)
Professor Monstrous (Monty) (Singing):
Love your hair. (Cut to the girl played by Taylor Huff as she says, “Huh?”)
Professor Monstrous:
Nothing, I love the scent of laundry in the air!
TLOTA (Singing):
Oy Vey! (Cut to Professor Monstrous in his lab on the video)
Professor Monstrous (Singing):
With the time ray, I’ll control... (Loud knocking at the door stops the song)
Professor Monstrous:
Sorry, my neighbor is a bit of a hothead. I’ll deal with him now; see everyone when they bow before me! (The video ends. Cut to James and Miranda)
TLOTA:
And remember how I told you that I met him at two places. Of course, one is the laundromat; the other is a building I use as a studio for my productions. (Cut to James outside of Monstrous’ apartment as he knocks on the door repeatedly and shouts, “OPEN UP, DUDE!” Monstrous opens the door as James gives Monstrous a look that’d eat titanium.)
Professor Monstrous:
Are you okay? You seem slightly irked. (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Slightly Irked? Your mail is getting mixed in with mine, and it’s pissing me off; I GET ENOUGH HATE MAIL, ENOUGH AS IS IN MY PROFESSION! (James walks in with a mail sack and dumps it on a couch.) Shall we? (Cut to James and Monstrous as they say “Yours” towards one another and “Mine” at each other.)
Professor Monstrous:
Dude? You’re getting mail from the Nazis and the Ku Klux Klan?
TLOTA:
Hate Mail directed at me for treating people of other ethnicities and gender definitions and paying them for an honest day’s work, even for a Republican!
Professor Monstrous:
Woof! I don’t EVER want to be near a Republican.
TLOTA:
Well, maybe I should move.
Professor Monstrous:
Wait, You’re a Republican? It would explain the death threats, sniper tags, and IED Mail Bombs. (Cut to James and Miranda)
Miranda:
You’re a Republican?
TLOTA:
Despite what you may have heard about Republicans in the news recently, we’re not all Arian assholes who slaughter members of the LGBTQIA+ Community or minorities, and we sure as hell don’t have anything against the feminist community. The extremists seem to drag the good in with the bad until you can’t tell which. (Miranda sighs and thinks James is a Nazi Republican no matter what he says.) The point is that he posted his video on the day things were set in place for many people. (Cut to James and Professor Monstrous in his lab.)
TLOTA:
This might be your mail, a branding from someone called “Mad Cow.”
Professor Monstrous:
“Mad Cow”!?! From the Super League of Wicked?!?!? I’ve been waiting for this for years since I’ve been doing Supervillainy! Though I must ask what’s up with the Stars and Stripes.
TLOTA:
It’s part of the persona, I’m... (Professor Monstrous opens the letter from “Mad Cow” as “Bad Horse Chorus” soundalike plays and four frontiers' people, played by John and Mike Santos and Olivia Horvath and Brenda Fonseca, appear out of nowhere and circle Professor Monstrous.)
The Frontiers’ People (Singing):
Mad Cow! Mad Cow! Mad Cow! Mad Cow! Stampeding across the country is the bovine of bad! He just got your application, and it made him glad! You need a little more to get in; you have six months from now. A vicious crime (Cut to James as he mouths “The Fuck?” and a Frontier’s person comes close to James as the Frontier’s person, played by Brenda Fonseca, sings, “A death or two would work.” Cut to the Frontier’s people as they circle Professor Monstrous.)
The Frontiers’ People (Singing):
Mad Cow! Mad Cow! Mad Cow! It’s Mad! The Super League Of Wicked is watching now, you’re aware! Your chance to get in is the only one, we swear. So, make Mad Cow happy, or your ass is medium rare! You’re set to ride; hold on now! (The frontier’s person, played by John Santos, screams, “Ride ‘Em, Cowboy!”) Signed Mad Cow! (Cut to James looking confused and disturbed)
TLOTA:
The hell was that? (Cut to Professor Monstrous)
Professor Monstrous:
Mad Cow’s assistants, I am going get into SLOW so fast it’d make most people’s heads spin.
TLOTA:
Wait, you’re trying to fast-track your ass into SLOW? Are you nuts?
Professor Monstrous:
Why? They’re the best group to help with my plans to change the world and put Major Hero where he belongs, as a joke Carlos Mencia couldn’t make funny. (Cut to James as he shakes his head and tries to comprehend what Professor Monstrous is saying)
TLOTA:
I’m sorry, but... (James pulls out a whiteboard and puts down a complex mathematical equation.) HOW IN THE NAME OF SAMUEL LANGFORD HELL DOES THIS? (James turns the board over to show “2+2=4”) EQUATE TO THIS?! (Cut to Professor Monstrous)
Professor Monstrous:
Look, All I have to do is get the Supratonia to power the time ray. I steal that tomorrow, commit a few thefts at a few banks, and (Professor Monstrous continues to say what he’s going to do while James shouts, “I’m not listening to a Jackass who is nuttier than several decaquadrillion nests of cuckoos!” and James going “Bluub-Blub-Bluub") Look uh, Stars and Stripes, if it makes you feel better, I will do this, you have total plausible deniability.
TLOTA:
Well, there’s the rub. You’ve spilled the beans to a guy who WILL tell the cops.
Professor Monstrous:
The cops here aren’t the smartest in the United States. Oh, I got to get going, the Supratonia will be going into the courier van in a few hours, everything needs to be on time. (Cut to James and Miranda)
Miranda:
So you were there when he made the theft?
TLOTA:
To stop him, like someone should’ve. (Cut to clips of “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog” as James does a voiceover as a soundalike to “Caring Hands” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
That is what Penny should’ve done. There’s obliviousness to the people around you, and then there’s being so blissfully ignorant that if you’re willing to get something done, you need to get your priorities straight. Not going to say that Felicia Day performed badly in this, far from it. It showed her comedic capabilities and her musical prowess. I liked Penny, but all things considered, she was not that bright. What attracted Dr. Horrible and Captain Hammer to her, I don’t know. (Cut to James and Miranda)
TLOTA:
At any rate, it was not long after that I and Monstrous finally met his laundromat lady friend. (Cut to James and Monty as they hear the girl from the laundromat sing, “Will you lend a...?” as the three of them scream.) Sorry, I’m James.
Professor Monstrous:
Monty
The girl from the Laundromat:
Jenny! Say, I’ve seen you two before. (James and Monty start to be a little cocky as Monty is thinking, “Oh, she’s seen my videos and is a fan,” and James is thinking, “Must be a fan of my reviews” as it cuts to Jenny) The two of you are in the laundromat. (James slaps his forehead)
Monty:
Every Tuesday, Wednesday, and every other Saturday. Of course, I might be mistaking you for someone else, or you might be mistaking us for someone else.
Jenny:
So, what exactly are you doing?
TLOTA:
Keeping Monty here from getting too wound up in something he might be in over his head.
Monty:
Yeah, I always need someone to keep me safe. I do things that can be dangerous.
Jenny:
Well, I am collecting signatures for a building that the county is going to demolish and turn into a parking lot, and I figured with enough signatures, they’d turn the building over to my charity, and we could shelter the homeless, get them job training and... (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Where’s this building? (Cut to Jenny)
Jenny:
A few blocks away from the government center. (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Okay, are there any pre-existing problems with it, say lead paint, asbestos, mold, a problem with the foundation, or anything that might be a reason for it not to be coded, and they’d have to demolish it? (Cut to Jenny)
Jenny:
I had someone thoroughly inspect it, and it’s all cleared of anything that stuff you mentioned. (Cut to James and Monty)
TLOTA:
I’ll sign on the line, what do you say Monty?
Monty:
It’d be nice to help, but you’re treating a symptom the disease rots the fish from the head down...
TLOTA:
Dude, she’s just asking for a signature, not your philosophy on making changes to a system that’s crapped the bed. (Cut to Jenny)
Jenny:
Well, that’s what we’re trying to do: make the changes to better this system rather than believing there’s nothing to do except complain about it. So, will you two sign? (Cut to James and Monty)
TLOTA:
I’ve signed, and now Monty will.
Monty:
Okay. I don’t want to turn my back on my laundry friend.
TLOTA:
You know what? I would like to help you get more signatures. Monty is safe for now. (James and Jenny walk away as Monty has heartache as “A Man’s got to do; what a man’s got to do.” soundalike plays)
Monty:
She spoke to me? Why now? I should. (Sighs) (Singing as he gets dressed as Professor Monstrous):
I have to do what it is I must do; I can’t plan a plan if I can’t see it through. All that matters is taking matters into my own hands. Soon I will run it all, my wish is my command. (Cut to the courier van as “Major Hero,” played by Nick Slimmer, land on top, kicking the device remote controlling it is smashed)
Major Hero (Singing):
Stay back everyone, nothing here to see, just absolute adventure in the middle of it me, yes Major Hero here body flowing in the breeze, the day’s saving needs me! A man has to do what it is he must do, with destiny making sure I save you. The only thing that’s looming is you loving me is the deal. So I’ll give you a sec, to accept I’m real. (Major Hero tosses Jenny into a pile of garbage, shoving James next to Professor Monstrous and James is shoved off again.)
Professor Monstrous:
Get off me, YOU IDIOT YOU COULD’VE HURT HER! (Cut to Major Hero)
Major Hero:
Professor Monstrous! We meet again, and I even stopped your henchman. (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Time out, I’m not his henchman; I’m trying to stop what he’s doing without acting like John Cena’s Peacemaker from “The Suicide Squad!” which you were doing there, Cochise.
Major Hero:
Well, guess what? (Major Hero punches James and grabs Professor Monstrous) It’s curtains for you, gentle, lacy wafting curtains. (Professor Monstrous grunts a “Huh?” as Jenny pulls herself out of the garbage)
Jenny (Singing)
Thank you Mr. Hero, I think that you are a man that can do good both near and far. I would’ve been ended if it weren’t for the fling; you have rescued me. (Cut to Major Hero as he flings Professor Monstrous into a semi-conscious James)
Major Hero:
My pleasure because... (Singing): A man has to do what it is he must do, with destiny making sure I save you. When I’m the best, why settle for the rest. When a bad guy needs a beating, I’m the real thing. The only thing that’s looming is you loving me is the deal. So, I’ll give you a sec, to accept I’m real.
Jenny (Singing as Major Hero does):
You’re an angel from above, here to help me with my love. So gentle just like a dove. Saving lives for all. The only thing is blooming is a love that is for real. So, I’ll give you a sec, for you to feel!
Professor Monstrous (Singing as everyone else is):
Are you kidding? Tell me this is a joke. He tossed you so hard you started to smoke! Don’t you even think of her. He had thrown you into the garbage; this is totally going to make me rage, OH Please!
TLOTA (Singing as everyone else is):
OMG! Why me? This madness eventually leads to sadness and a monster no one can stop. This is very over the top. This is going to end badly. Stevie Wonder can see it coming! Oy Gevalt!
Professor Monstrous:
Ass!
TLOTA:
Shut up! (The Scene cuts to a Black screen with a soundalike to the opening theme to “Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog” as it then cuts to the words “Act II” in white lettering, then cuts to James and Miranda.)
Miranda:
So he lost the girl, which shouldn’t have affected his attitude towards joining SLOW.
TLOTA:
On the contrary, he is focused on that but is galvanized by what Major Hero has taken Jenny. (Cut to clips of “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog” as James does a voiceover as a soundalike to “My Eyes” plays.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
When “Billy,” aka Dr. Horrible, lost Penny to Captain Hammer, he was at a crucial point in his life. He could either try to focus on joining the Evil League Of Evil as Dr. Horrible or winning Penny over from Captain Hammer as good-natured Billy. As the late Kevin Conroy said best in “Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm,” said best “I can’t have it both ways.” that should’ve been the mentality. I'm not saying that it wasn’t out there, but it should’ve been more developed. Seeing where he was should have made him think about what he needed to do to get what he really wanted and not just be so single-minded about what his desires were at that point. (Cut to James and Miranda)
TLOTA:
Speaking of crucial points, when I was with Monty, AKA Professor Monstrous, on the Tuesday after his heist of the Supratonia, he decided to continue his long plan of getting Jenny. (Cut to Monty as he sits and waits for a washer as James walks through the door with a hamper full of laundry and two bags as he turns towards Monty, handing him one)
Monty:
So what’s this?
TLOTA:
Coconut Frogurt, sweetened lightly with honey and organic vanilla extract, is Jenny’s favorite sweet treat. It's enough for two.
Monty:
Why are you giving this to me?
TLOTA:
I have someone trying to help you because he likes her as much as you and Hero do. However, he decided that if being with someone like you meant Jenny was happy, he would be willing to sacrifice and find someone else.
Monty:
Rather than fight me and Major Hero? He’s either stupid or incredibly smarter than he gives anyone credit for.
TLOTA:
The latter, oh Jenny’s coming in. (James walks away as Jenny walks into the building)
Jenny:
Was that James?
Monty:
Yeah, that was. I thought I had ordered one Coconut Frogurt sweetened lightly with honey and organic vanilla extract, but I got two. Do you want one? (Cut to James as he hears Jenny say, “I’d love it.” He then looks at the two as they silently talk, and James pulls out a smartphone as James pulls up the latest Professor Monstrous video.)
Professor Monstrous:
Alright, everybody. The time ray is completed, thanks to my semi-successful raid of Supratonia. (The audio continues as James looks at the two as “Professor Monstrous” slowly gets upset over the fact that Jenny is dating “Major Hero,” and “Monty” gets as upset as he hears Jenny talk well about “Major Hero.” The audio of the video is paused.)
Jenny:
MONTY!
Monty:
What?
Jenny:
You’re driving the spork into your thigh.
Monty:
Oh! Hilarious! (Jenny and Monty chuckle as he pulls the spork out and silently screams out the window as a buzzer is heard, and James continues the video)
Professor Monstrous (On the video):
Anyway, by the end of the week, I will have done what I need to get into SLOW. See everyone kneeling before me in the aftermath! (Cut to the next day as Monty has a little black eye, and James comes in with the same two frogurts.)
TLOTA:
Was it a rough day yesterday?
Monty:
Yep, and it’s not getting easier
TLOTA:
And I know why. (James pulls out a smartphone and plays the video)
Professor Monstrous (On the video):
So, in the funniest Ironies, the time ray takes at least a minute to warm up. I must be more careful about what I say on my YouTube videos because the entirety of the NYPD and Major Hero are among my subscribers and viewers. They were waiting for me at the park ceremony celebrating Major Hero, and Major Hero tossed an eighteen-wheel truck at me. But not to worry, I... (“Mad Cow” ringtone plays. Professor Monstrous pulls out his smartphone as the frontiers’ people pop up around him)
The Frontiers’ People (Singing):
Mad cow saw the act you tried to do, and your embarrassment means his no moo! And now a massacre is the only thing left to do! Unleash the blood, including yours. Now kill people, Mad Cow. (James pulls away his phone as it cuts to James and Monty)
TLOTA:
Shit’s Creek, meet Monty! He doesn’t have a boat, a paddle, or life preservers, and he can’t swim worth the dynamite blowing himself to hell and back!
Monty:
Okay, I get it, I’m in trouble! But seriously, killing someone isn’t beautifully justified.
TLOTA:
And now you’ve got decisions to make. The job? Or The Girl? (Soundalike to “Penny’s Song” begins) It’s all reminiscent of something else. (Singing): It’s a story of a guy who thought being a villain would mean that he could get everything but wind up losing all who he’d be. (Cut to stills of “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog” as James does a singing voiceover as the soundalike to “Penny’s Song” plays)
TLOTA (Singing V.O.):
For Dr. Horrible it all ends badly all around, how he lost Penny and how all his human ambitions went crashing and then smashing into the ground. Thinking that being evil would somehow get him what he wanted. When all the circumstances happened instead, he lost it all so badly. Poor Dr. Horrible no longer Billy slowly turning things around, instead it all for him went falling and then be nothing when his chips went down. (Cut to James and Monty)
TLOTA (Singing):
So keep your head up; here comes Jenny! (James walks away as Jenny sees the two frogurts and Monty)
Jenny:
Hey Monty, Another Coconut Frogurt, you know me so well. You look bad. (Cut to Monty)
Monty:
I had a rough night last night, and I’m in trouble. It might cost me a job that I’ve been wanting to get. (Jenny sits next to Monty as James overlooks everything.) And it’s worse because I’ve wanted to get this job to achieve something great like Mad Cow.
Jenny:
The Bovine of Bad?
TLOTA:
Forgive him; it’s all the chemicals in the laundry detergent. He meant Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
Monty:
Exactly.
Jenny:
Well, knock on wood. Everything will come together like a vegan keto pizza.
Monty:
Speaking of Fake and Cheesy, how have things been between you and Major Hero.
Jenny:
Good, for the most part, I’d like to know what you guys think of him; he’s coming here. (Cut to James and Monty as they have a shocked expression on their faces and dramatic music plays)
TLOTA & Monty (In Unison):
WHAT?!
TLOTA:
Say, Monty, don’t you have that vacation you’ve been holding off to get to NOW?
Monty:
Oh yeah, I got to go! (Monty and James start running as Jenny stands up)
Jenny:
What about your clothes? (James looks and sees “Professor Mostrous's” costume and groans like Moe of The Three Stooges)
TLOTA:
I’ll take care of them.
Monty:
I won’t be needing them. I’m going to a nudist colony (Cut to James and Miranda)
Miranda:
A Nudist Colony?!
TLOTA:
Well, men handle bad news and stressful situations differently.
Miranda:
Obviously (Cut to James, Jenny, and Monty as James and Monty head for the door only for James to get whacked upside the head as he says, “Good Night!” as he does a salute and falls)
Jenny:
Major Hero, this is Monty!
Monty:
Hello, this is the first time we ever met. We never knew each other outside of this, the first time we have met.
Major Hero:
Really, there’s something Monstrously familiar about you. Are you a member of a gym? Nah, I don’t go to a gym, I’m naturally this good. So, guess what I’ve been doing? Getting a certain mayor to sign a certain building for a certain charity! (Jenny squeals in joy)
Jenny:
Oh, Thank you so much!
Major Hero:
They’ll fill it out for you with what you need by Monday, and there will be a ceremony the night before.
Jenny:
You’re Amazing! Oh, an open washer, I’ll be back! (Jenny kisses Major Hero and walks away)
Monty:
Well, look at that, I got to go! (James gets up only to get smacked down as Major Hero stops Monty)
Major Hero:
You know it was nice to meet you, Professor. (Stammer) Now, I won’t tell Jenny who you are, but I get it. You want her, and this will hurt, but we’ve been everywhere: the Hero cave, the Hero rider, and the Hero jet. Again, I get that you want her, but she’s giving it up for the Major Hero, and the Major part is...
Monty:
I figured
Major Hero:
Take it easy, Monty! (The door closes as “Brand New Day” soundalike)
Monty (Singing):
This was at once a virtuous plight, and it’s strange at first that I swore to eliminate the dumbest in the world; yes, it’s true. I was hazy on the who and how. But now I know it’s you who showed me the way! (Monty steps out unobserved as Major Hero walks out of the laundromat) IT’S A BRAND-NEW STAR THAT’S IN THE SKY! ALL THE CHORUSES ARE SINGING THAT YOU WILL DIE! HOW I HELD BACK NOW, NOW I WILL TRY! IT’S A BRAND-NEW ME! (Cut to Professor Monstrous as he does an arm wave and forth. Cut to video of Professor Monstrous as he’s getting pummeled mercilessly by Major Hero.)
Monty (Singing):
All the time that you smacked me stupid, I’ll survive. All the laws that I broke, honestly, I’ll be alright. Mr. Awesome, Mr. Perfect, Mr. I’m The Man is toast. Now everything is great that I will boast, and I owe it all to you, who showed me the way! (Cut to James as he bursts through the door of his Studio)
TLOTA (Singing):
IT’S A BRAND-NEW HELL THAT’S BEEN UNLEASHED! AND THE MAJOR HERO HAS SET FREE THE BEAST! (James passes over the camera as it jump cuts to Professor Monstrous)
Professor Monstrous (Singing):
I’m going to show them now! Gonna wow, Mad Cow! It’s a brand new me! Then Jenny will see the real me, not the joke, not the dork, not the loser. Yes, blood will spill, but she will be thrilled when I give her Asia for what she wants to! (Cut to a blue sky as Professor Monstrous looks out) It’s a brand new me that will fly! Everybody’s crying (The camera pulls back to see a gigantic Professor Monstrous) THAT YOU WILL DIE! GO AHEAD AND LAUGH ‘CAUSE IT’S A FUNNY TIME! KISS YOUR ASS GOODBYE! IT’S A BRAND-NEW ME!
(Professor Monstrous stomps on Major Hero as the Scene cuts to a Black screen with a soundalike to the opening theme to “Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog” as it then cuts to the words “Act III” in white lettering, then cuts to James and Miranda.)
Miranda:
Sounds like you were in the middle of a mess!
TLOTA:
And that Monday, it was going to get bad. (Cut to Professor Monstrous as he shuts off the TV and prepares a killing device as “So They Say” soundalike starts as it cuts to a duo of people played by Cambell Dodson and Diego Torres Kuri dropping off supplies to the new Charity center.)
Shipper 1 (Played by Cambell Dodson, singing):
So they’re telling that Major Hero is living up to the title. Doing good for the sake of good
Shipper 2 (Played by Diego Torres Kuri):
That’s great. (Cut to three fans played by Antoni Matteo Garcia, Olivia Horvath and Brenda Yaun)
Fan #2 (Played by Brenda Yaun Singing):
They tell us it’s real love
The three fans (Singing in unison):
So beautiful!
Fan #3 (Played by Olivia Horvath):
He signed it! (Fan #3 pulls out an autograph. Cut to Jenny and Major Hero)
Jenny (Singing):
So they say we’ll have everything in the morning, thanks to you.
Major Hero:
Thanks to me! (Cut to James Daniel Walsh and Carly Niska as News reporters)
The Newscasters (Singing In Union):
It’s a great story, we tell you. He’s gonna save the day. Major Hero in all his glory!
The Female Newscaster (Singing):
Let’s do our best
The Male Newscaster:
Next up, Which celeb’s gay? (Cut to Professor Monstrous's lab as he fiddles with a device. Cut to three fans played by Antoni Matteo Garcia, Olivia Horvath and Brenda Yaun)
Fan #1 (Played by Antoni Matteo Garcia):
So they tell us he saved her.
Fan #2 (Singing):
So they tell us she works with homeless people and is a vegan!
The three fans (Singing in unison):
We think the bitch’s got to go-o!
Fan #3 (Singing):
This is his blood! (Cut to James on the phone)
TLOTA:
I’m telling you, Professor Monstrous will slaughter Major Hero at the event tomorrow, and it will end badly. What do you mean that you’re not going to do anything? So, instead of doing your job, you will just let it happen and kowtow to public opinion? Well, let me tell you that even though I’m not your employer but as a client of your services, I’m not a happy customer. Oh really, okay, Thank you very LITTLE! (James shuts his phone off and shouts, “GOD DAMN IT!” Cut to the team as they circle around the doorway)
Team TLOTA (In unison):
What? (Cut to James as he sits down)
TLOTA (Singing):
So, the cops won’t do anything to stop the onslaught from happening. They’re sick and tired of getting slammed in the press. It’s making them feel oh so de-pre-ssed! (Cut to Team TLOTA)
Team TLOTA (In unison):
Are you serious?! (Cut to James as he nurses his headache)
TLOTA:
I wish I was joking about it. (Cut to Team TLOTA)
Paulo Fonseca (Singing):
So I take it, is it up to us? (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Oh yeah. (Cut to Team TLOTA)
John Ross Santos (Singing):
And I take it we’re going to hurt? (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Most likely (Singing): And yes, you can take into fact that you guys will get Overtime and Hazard Pay! (Cut to Team TLOTA)
Team TLOTA:
Alright! (Cut to James as he looks at the audience)
TLOTA:
This is how I do my job and keep everyone happy. That ensures they get plenty of time away from me while working with me. (Cut to Jenny in the Laundromat)
Jenny (Singing):
Yeah, he’s perfect for me, they tell me; I guess I should be happy. After years of swimming, have I finally found the Bae? (Intercut between James and his team getting ready and Professor Monstrous as he gets ready. Then cut to James, Jenny, and Monstrous in a three-way split screen)
Professor Monstrous (Singing):
Time for the ending, they tell me. It’s how it must be. Time to stop faking, and time to make it my day.
TLOTA (Singing):
Time for the ending, they tell me. It really stinks to be me! Everybody, suit up; time to save the day!
Jenny (Singing):
Time for the ending, they tell me. Time for me to accept it and embrace it as a new day! (Cut to three fans played by Antoni Matteo Garcia, Olivia Horvath and Brenda Yaun)
Fan #3 (Singing):
This is his DNA!
The three fans (Singing in unison):
We’re cloning him! (Cut to Professor Monstrous as he re-labels his stun ray as a kill ray. Cut to a celebration in the newly christened homeless shelter as the Mayor of Sullivan County gives a speech it cuts to several people hiding with hoods covering their faces. Cut to the Mayor of Sullivan County as he introduces Major Hero, and just as Major Hero is about to speak, a cloth rises from behind the audience, and Professor Monstrous stops Major Hero and freezes him in that moment and laughs maniacally as “Slipping” soundalike plays)
Professor Monstrous (Singing):
Look at you, people. It's amazing that you sheep will show up for the death blow. No one be carping, you’re just here harping how you’ve sunk so low! Why is it you can’t see, why can’t you be wise? Maybe your minds aren’t where they should be and realize. That his lies are falling! (Cut to Professor Monstrous as he comes close to Major Hero) They know you’re falling! (Cut to Professor Monstrous as he encounters the audience.) Now that your false prophet has bitten it, I bet I’m starting to scare you. Like troglodytes fear fire, I know I inspire a feeling inside you! I make you suffer and not in a silent way, Wake up your minds and see that you are not fighting me; humanity has fallen! Everything’s fallen away! So! (Professor Monstrous pulls out his kill ray) GO AHEAD! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! SAY IT WAS MONSTROUS! LET THEM KNOW! TELL THEM ALL! LET MY NAME RING! DO A SNAP! TWEET AND TIKTOK! THIS GUY IS OVER AND LOOK AT HIM, STANDING THERE, HERO HAS FAILED! NOW I WIN, GET EVERYTHING I WANTED AND ALL THE LOOT, SUCCESS, SOCIAL CHANGE! UPHEAVAL! I CONTROL ITS MONSTROUS’ ROLE! And now you all know this world is going to die! Die! (Speaking to the reporter): That’s M-o-n Okay, that’s perfect. (Singing): DIE! No sign of Jenny, thank God I know that she won’t see, it’s going to end here, Heads up now dear Monty it’s time for No Mercy! It is No Mercy! This is No Mercy! (The time ray finally craps the bed) (Speaking): That’s not a sound I need to hear now! (Major Hero punches Professor Monstrous halfway across the floor and the kill ray is damaged in the fall. Major Hero picks it up and stands over Professor Monstrous’ semi-conscious body)
Major Hero:
Hello! Ooh, a kill ray! This is going to hurt you big time! Give my regards to the man who has the job of keeping you in he... (The trigger is pulled, and nothing happens) What the hell?
Jenny (Offscreen):
Those are my thoughts exactly! (The camera moves over Major Hero's left shoulder. Major Hero turns around to Jenny)
Major Hero:
Jenny! I didn’t want to be the one to tell you this, but your laundry buddy is my nemesis, Professor Monstrous. Don’t worry; you’ll find another one, and I’ll find another nemesis. So would you care to... (A thwack is heard as Jenny punches Major Hero between the eyes!)
Jenny:
Did you think I was Stupid? I knew that he was Professor Monstrous. I hoped that with everything I was doing, I would change him so you could be friends and decide who I wanted to spend my life with! (Professor Monstrous stands up) And you, “Monty,” Oh, I’m sorry, “Professor Monstrous,” let me tell you assholes like you don’t get the girl because the hero is not there, it’s because he’s a creepy loser who should be gelded at the moment they chose to be dumb as you and Hero are.
Professor Monstrous:
Wait, so you don’t like either of us?
Major Hero:
But how did...
TLOTA (Audio only):
(“Words Win Wars” plays as the three look around) I TOLD AND SHOWED HER YOUR TRUE COLORS! That’s right. I'm sorry to spoil your plans, but that’s what real heroes do. Stop idiots from getting the win and letting smart people do what they do best and win! Listen up, you three. Your mind is probably wondering what is going on. If you three keep your ears and eyes open and your mouths closed for a moment, I am taking control! Now, you’re possibly wondering how she figured it out. Answer again: I did because neither of you was worth her, and who was the mastermind behind this whole thing this time, I thought he deserved a chance. It wasn’t me! Behold the mastermind of this operation! (The doors open as a man hidden in shadows walks slowly into the light to reveal... ERIC KURTZKE!)
Eric Kurtzke:
Hi! (Cut to a very confused Jenny, Professor Monstrous, and Major Hero)
Jenny, Professor Monstrous and Major Hero (In Unison):
YOU?! (Cut to James and Miranda)
Miranda:
Now you’re throwing in Deus Ex Machinas to make your bull work.
TLOTA:
I’m telling you the truth, my pal Eric wanted to be with Jenny...
Miranda:
And was he willing to sacrifice what he wanted for her?
TLOTA:
Yeah, and guess what? We’re close to the end of the story.
Miranda:
Thank Christ, excuse me for a moment. (Cut back to the moment Eric Kurtzke introduced himself to everyone)
Professor Monstrous:
You’re the guy who was willing to let her be with either of us?
Eric Kurtzke:
Yeah, because a man must be steady and sometimes sacrifice what he wants to get what he wants.
Jenny:
Even if it meant that I would be married to one of these two idiots.
Eric Kurtzke:
Yeah (Cut to Jenny)
Jenny:
You’re a good guy. (Jenny pecks Eric on the cheek, and Eric smiles.)
Professor Monstrous:
WAIT A SECOND. Who else helped you? You average...human?
Eric Kurtzke:
Aside from the guy you’ve been mistakenly calling “Stars and Stripes”? Let me introduce them. (The theme song from “American Gladiators” in 1993 and 1994 plays in the foreground!) Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you me, Eric Kurtzke! Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath, Rebecca Yaun, Brenda Fonseca, John Ross and Mike Santos, Ed Champion and Andrew Beach, Paulo Fonseca, Nick Yaun, and the man himself who led me and these proceedings. (Cut to James as he takes a flying leap and lands in his heroic pose in the last fourteen seconds of the theme song, landing behind Eric with him stepping back to show James in all his glory.)
Professor Monstrous and Major Hero (In unison):
Mr. Stars and Stripes?! (Cut to James as he sighs)
TLOTA:
Let me make it clear to you two chowderheads, it’s not Mr. Stars and Stripes, it’s not American Flagman, it’s not United States person, it’s not even whatever patriotically based hero or villain you two think it is. I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans! (Cut to Professor Monstrous and Major Hero)
Professor Monstrous:
Well, You’re a Republican, so ipso facto, you’re a villain!
Major Hero:
Wait, You’re as villainously harmless as a nuclear bomb. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And you two aren’t the smartest; how do you think your actions will win you anything except scorn and insults at your existence? (“Everyone is a hero in their own way” soundalike begins to play) I may not be the nicest when I must tell the truth. But when I am honest, when it comes to the both of you. (Singing) It’s clear that neither of you will ever truly learn. So, you constantly do the same thing repeatedly. If it were up to me, I would have you neutered just to clean humanity of two more reproductive dumbasses. Because everyone is stupid in their own way! Everyone makes Einstein cry! It isn’t a surprise; we’ve never made our starship enterprise! Everyone is stupid in their own way. The “Dumb and Dumber” remake could star the both of you. (Cut to Professor Monstrous and Major Hero talking as if they agree they could act when they realize they’ve been insulted and say “HEY!” in unison. Cut to James on a green screen with people being stupid) So, as I watch the de-evolution of our society. I conclude that the planet ruled by apes might not be as bad; at least we’d have smart creatures take the lead. It could be better than the idiots we’ve got in the seats power we have now. It’s not enough they put fear in us to control us; we now must die for their greed. Everyone is stupid in their own way; Stephen Hawking is spinning in his grave. I’m not shocked when it comes to men exposing their clocks! (James speaks, “Thought I was gonna say something naughty.) Everyone is stupid in their own way! You, and you, and you, and especially me! I will admit, my dumbass, it shines like a star, but when I need my stupid needs a check, I have those who will beat me to and back from heck! (James shouts, “What I’m saying is...) EVERYONE IS STUPID IN THEIR OWN WAY! (Audio of the three fans singing “We’re Morons!”) EVERYONE MAKES DARWIN GLAD HE’S DEAD! (Audio of the three fans sing “So Stupid!”) With everything going on, you can bet I’ll be glad once we’re all gone; it’s just the truth! Everyone is stupid in their own way! Everyone is dumb on their own (A person hits James in the back of the head with a clanging sound as the music ends, and James sings off, “Way!” then collapses as the figure from the shadow reveals himself to be Science Boy! Cut to Professor Monstrous and Major Hero)
Professor Monstrous:
Uh, who are you? (Cut to Science Boy)
Science Boy:
I’m Science Boy, and I am here to kick his ass and to help bring you down, Professor... (Cut to the two as they punch Science Boy and James gets back up.)
TLOTA:
Thanks, the reason I sang it was to show that both of you don’t deserve to win at anything. This leads me to you, “Hero,” You are THE most irritating antagonistic son of a bitch I ever knew, save for one other person. (Cut to clips of “Captain Hammer” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Captain Hammer, as portrayed by Nathan Fillion, was so well done that I didn’t like the character when he was gloating in any situation he was in. That’s not to say it was a bad performance. For Fillion, this is one of his more well-known roles, and he was able to perform this character with such charisma you almost feel sorry for a dumbass like him. Especially as to how he thinks being a hero means saving the day once or twice a year and banging anything with female parts the rest of the time, which is not the case. A hero must be willing to sacrifice what he wants and to be steady to save the day and to be deserving of every accolade he earns. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
What have either of you done to get what you deserve? (Science Boy pops up with the kill ray)
Science Boy:
I figured out how to start this. (The kill ray warms up and then goes into overload)
TLOTA:
Oooh! HIT THE DIRT! (The gun explodes, and the shrapnel flies everywhere. Cut to “Major Hero” as he is flung across the floor, then crying like a little girl.)
Major Hero:
Oh, Is this pain? Is this what pain feels like? Mama! (Cut to James and Eric physically as the two dust each other off. Major Hero says, “Someone mommy like!” Cut to Major Hero as he scampers away like a girl!) Get out of my way! (Major Hero cries like a baby as he runs away. Cut to Professor Monstrous, James, and Eric.)
TLOTA:
Oh no! (Cut to Jenny as one piece of shrapnel has pierced her through the heart. Cut to the three as they circle around her.)
Jenny:
Eric? (Cut to Eric as he kneels beside her, and James calls 911. Cut to Jenny) Don’t be sad about this. I’m in a better place. (Cut to Eric)
Eric Kurtzke:
Don’t say that; we’ll get you help. (Cut to Jenny)
Jenny:
No, it’s alright, do me a favor. Don’t be afraid to live... long... (Cut to Eric Kurtzke as he is just about to cry)
Eric Kurtzke (Through the tears):
And prosper! (The two briefly make the Vulcan contact sign as Jenny’s hand falls as she dies. James consoles his friend, who just saw the love of his life die right there as a soundalike to “Everything You Ever” plays.)
TLOTA:
Well, you got your way. Her death makes you a SLOW asshole; it just cost you everything. (James and Eric walk away from Professor Monstrous, and James comforts Eric. Cut to Professor Monstrous as he sits next to Jenny, defeated)
Professor Monstrous:
Here is everything; the world I hoped for is here. My path is clear. All hail to me. (Three ethereal voices sing “Everything you wanted”) Arise and see! So the day’s denied, and you believe hope has a chance, and we all can advance, but now you all are mine! (Three ethereal voices sing “Everything you wanted”) No one survi-i-i-i-ved! (Cut to headlines on webpages that show on their headlines “Hero Vanquished,” “Girlfriend of Hero mourned by one man and a country,” “” Monstrous-” ly successful Villain.” Cut to the Newscasters as they collapse into tears. Cut to Science Boy as he is stopped by Professor Monstrous as he robs a bank. Cut to the three fans as they reveal they’re now “Professor Monstrous” Fans with memorabilia of his. Cut to Major Hero on a psychologist’s couch. Cut to a celebration of Professor Monstrous as different villains help celebrate, including the frontiers people. Cut to a montage of Professor Monstrous as he wears his new blood-red suit and enters the Super League Of Wicked, where we find a Confederate Abraham Lincoln, A Fake Freddie Mercury, A Poison Ivy knockoff, An Ultraman knockoff, and, of course, Mad Cow, which is a Holstein Cow. Cut to the backside of Professor Monstrous) YOUR BAD DAY IS NIGH! PROFESSOR MONSTROUS IS ALIVE! TO MAKE YOU RUN AND HIDE! TO HAVE HEROES DIE! (Three ethereal voices sing “Everything you wanted”) AND I WILL BEEEE (The doors close as it cuts to James and Miranda, and James sings, “Nothing!”)
Miranda:
What do you mean by “Nothing”?
TLOTA:
Well, not long after that moment. (Cut to stills of events as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The police realized, “Whoops, maybe we should be stopping the bad guys. Got the evidence to shut SLOW down for good, and the good Professor Monstrous is currently spending 25 to Life in a federal prison with the possibility of parole in about ten years with good behavior. (Cut to clips of “Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
As for “Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog” it is one of the best films that was DIY before the Internet turned it into the instant cult classic and even though Joss Whedon’s name is now mud and he has been blackballed from ever making another production. I can tell you that between “Buffy,” “Angel,” “Firefly" and "Serenity,” the first two “Marvel’s The Avengers” movies and “Marvel’s Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D.” Joss has done well for himself, if you ask me. I can tell you this is a movie I recommend to those who want to do a movie without the Hollywood system getting involved and it being successful. If you have seen it and like it for its storytelling, its character studies, and the message that’s conveyed, then by all means, check it out again and make sure you show Joss before the truth comes out about him. (Cut to James and Miranda)
TLOTA:
So what do you think?
Miranda:
I think because of you, I got so many signatures I can convince people to release the members of SLOW and Professor Monstrous! Bye! (Miranda runs off as James tries to grab her. Cut to black. Cut to Professor Stupidiot and Doug and the Holographic James as an instrumental of "Qui di sposa...Verrano a te sull'aure (Lucia di Lammermoor)" plays in the foreground)
TLOTA:
That was it? That was your surprise?
Professor Stupidiot:
No, that was a distraction so that Rowdy and everyone else can come in to delete your digital dumbass. (Cut to Team TLOTA as they switch sides as the instrumental of Gli Ugonotti Act II plays in the foreground.)
Paulo Fonseca:
And if you truly believed we follow you and Chad, your ass is dead wrong.
Paulo and Brenda Fonseca, Nick and Rebecca Yaun (In Unison):
DELTA!
John and Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, and Olivia Horvath (In Unison):
LEVEL!
Team TLOTA (In Unison):
ATTACK! (A blast distorts the Holographic James, who quickly reassembles himself as Chad goes in to attack. A Hammer clocks Chad as it cuts to The Blockbuster Buster as he holsters his hammer)
The Blockbuster Buster:
Busted! (Cut to the fully reformed Holographic James)
TLOTA:
ERod! You made it! (A click is heard)
Linkara (Off-Screen):
So did we! (The blast distorts Holographic James as it multiplies like a rabbit.)
Army of Digital TLOTAs (in Unison):
Shoot one of us and we will grow in power, we are unstoppable!
TLOTA (Off Screen):
That’s the thing about power. It can come and go, but power is refined energy. Much like Magic! (A Lightning bolt disintegrates the Army, saving the only one standing.) And the power I’m wielding is going to stop you! (Everyone is shocked to see James again)
TLOTA:
Care to take on the real deal? (Scene fades to black)
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