(Scene begins as the
stars reform James and the music of “Moves Like Jagger” restarts as James sings
“Now as we go on, we find him as he takes all on including the prince of the
dark and thought he was a mark! He’ll fight for the soul and admittedly he is
in control when darkness rises from hell, he’ll fight for a spell and he goes a
little something like this! Watch him and he’ll show ya, Look him take control,
yeah, you know because he’s cool like Keanu, Yeah! Yeah! He’s cool like Keanu!
You know he’s Coo-ooo-ool like Keanu! I don’t even have to tell ya! Just watch
him and You’ll know how to be Cool Like Keanu, know how to be Cool Like Keanu! Know
how to be Coo-ooo-ool Like Keanu! (The ending five seconds of the “Moves Like
Jagger” sound-alike play as James disintegrates into stars and reforms into a
constellation that looks like Keanu Reeves’ face which becomes a still photo
that zooms as it cuts to James on a canted angle coming face to face with what
appears to be himself sitting on a throne as “The Master Vainglorious” by
Murray Gold plays in the foreground on a loop in the segments between James and
The Guy On The Throne in this review and everything is bathed in a dark blue
light.)
TLOTA:
Okay, I must’ve mixed Cold Medicine, Chinese Take Out and Soda while cleaning
up the place! It’s the only logical explanation for… (Cut to the guy on the
throne.)
The Guy On The
Throne:
For who? Me? I’m here because… (Cut to James on the canted angle)
TLOTA:
Because the human race has become so stupidly inbred they’re willing to accept
you. Because you have influenced them to… (Cut to The Guy On The Throne as he
goes “WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!” multiple times for ten seconds)
The Guy On The
Throne:
Do you think that is what I do, I influence people, I will them to do stupid
things, I use my will to them bring to power people you think that I somehow
control them like puppets on strings? (Cut to James on the canted angle)
TLOTA:
The best Masters of Puppetry doesn’t use strings. Besides I could tell that
you’re not like the other ones that others in their vocation, you’re the one
that rules in the darkest levels, You’re the devil that uses humanity’s hubris
to trick them into doing your business, and just like any other form of The
Dark Lord, you just so happen to remind me of the one I was planning on talking
about, Cochise! (Cut to Hard Rock music
as the title from “The Devil’s Advocate” plays as “The Guy On The Throne”
shouts “STOP!” as it cuts to him)
The Guy On The
Throne:
If you’re going to go with the whole, “Hard Rock is the Devil’s Music” Route,
then allow me to play you the real music I listen to. (Elevator Musak plays.
Cut to James on the canted angle)
TLOTA:
Yeah, this is the only time you get the point but for the sake of drama, can I
please play the Hard Rock Music? (Cut to the guy on the throne.)
The Guy On The
Throne:
If it gets you closer to what it is you want? Fine! (Cut to clips of “The
Devil’s Advocate” as Hard Rock Music plays and James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Directed by the man who would give us the Ray Charles Biopic, co-starring a
young Charlize Theron and a typical Al Pacino performance “The Devil’s
Advocate” is possibly the best non “Matrix” performance to come out of Keanu
Reeves until the John Wick movies. But does Keanu give the devil his due or
will the Devil…(Cut to James and The Guy On The Throne in James’ Lobby)
TLOTA:
You’re already here and you’ve taken control!
That Guy On The Throne:
Oh, don’t be so dramatic!
TLOTA:
The Truth is… you know the rest. (That Guy On The Throne walks away and says
“Feh!”) It’s time to go to court against the Devil and to go up against “The
Devil’s Advocate” (Cut to “The Devil’s Advocate” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens up in a courtroom as a rape victim is telling her story as we’re
introduced to Kevin Lomax played by Keanu Reeves as he realizes he can’t win a
case because his client is a legitimate rapist! However, by the power of a
Silver Tongue, Kevin wins his case and I guarantee had this case been done in
Sullivan Count…(Cut to the clip from MST3K episode “Castle Of Fu Manchu”
episode as Crow says “Oh Who Cares!”. Cut to James and
That Guy On The Throne as That Guy On The Throne has an inquisitive look on his
face.)
That Guy On The
Throne:
Why? Why? What was up with that?
TLOTA:
Because as of now the law of man has become so corrupt, even old school
Sullivan County New York Justice no longer exists. You know what I’m just gonna
say it! That clip from the MST3K episode “Castle Of Fu Manchu” was me realizing
that Law, Order, Justice, no longer exists and I know how to sing what comes
next (Singing): What should I say except “OH THANK YOU!”
That Guy On The
Throne:
DON’T YOU GET ALL SELF RIGHTEOUS ON ME PAL! I COULD MAKE YOUR LIFE EVEN MORE OF
A NIGHTMARE THAN IT WAS THE PAST FEW YEARS PAL!
TLOTA:
TRY ME! PLEASE! (That Guy On The Throne looks at him and says “Yikes! You might
enjoy it!” Cut to “The Devil’s Advocate” as James does a
voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
While celebrating with his wife played by Charlize Theron a lawyer from
New York asks for Kevin’s service in selecting a Jury! Initially thinking it’s
a joke until he sees the Payday, What does Kevin do? Kevin goes to his apostolical
church to tell his mother and half-sister about going to New York to do well my
associate’s work. (Cut to James on a canted angle and That Guy On The Throne as
That Guy On The Throne has an inquisitive look on his face.)
That Guy On The
Throne:
So I’m the go-to guy when everything bad in life happens!
TLOTA:
The title of the movie is “The Devil’s Advocate” who do you think I am dealing
with?! (That Guy On The Throne tries to make a point when he looks and thinks
to himself “Yeah, the point is made” Cut to “The Devil’s Advocate” as James
does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
As Kevin begins to do well at his new job in New York, Kevin feels an ominous
force around him as he comes home to discuss his fears about this new job as a
Jury finds someone who did a heinous crime not guilty in a record-breaking
Thirty-eight minutes, this gets the attention of one John Milton or otherwise
known as my current annoyance (Cut to James as he says “Shut It!” to That Guy
On The Throne. Cut back to “The Devil’s Advocate” as James continues his
voiceover.) played by Al Pacino! He offers Kevin a chance to work with his firm
up in New York and quicker than Johnny Blaze can turn into the Ghost Rider,
Kevin, and his wife move to New York permanently! One of his first cases is
pretty freaky. As Kevin keeps doing his job Mary Ann, his wife, begins to feel
alone. When Kevin’s mom comes she senses the evils in New York City! Yeah, it’s
no surprise there. IT’S FRIGGIN’ NEW YORK CITY! But Kevin decides to stay to
work with Milton. At a function, Mary Ann begins to see demons incognito as the
partner’s wives while Kevin begins to have more fantasies about one of his
partners in the firm Christabella. (Cut to James on a canted angle and That Guy
On The Throne.)
TLOTA:
Yeah, this is getting heavy-duty people and I need a break!
That Guy On The
Throne:
Yeah, but…(Cut to James on a canted angle)
TLOTA:
I know the price of your break!
That Guy On The
Throne:
Oh really! Well, it could reverse some of the things that went wrong in your
life, think of it, family members you lost, brought back from the dead, the
woman you want back in your life all you have to do is hear me out!
TLOTA:
PISS OFF ASSHOLE!
That Guy On The
Throne:
Oh, ho! James, there’s that temper that’ll one day bring you to me and my realm
that much quicker! My terms keep you here for a long, long time. Think about it
and after the review then we will talk!
(James still on the
canted angle has a look of steadfastly hanging on to whatever is left that is
good as the scene fades to black then cuts to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994
American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team
TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to
see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to the 0:36
Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with
the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera
pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut
to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
As a case of a Multi-Billionaire named Alex Cullen is on trial for murdering
his family comes up, John Milton suggests Kevin for the job this does not sit
well with Eddie Barzoon played by Jeffrey Jones. So much so he threatens to
call the U.S. Attorney’s Office because Eddie thinks Kevin is after his spot in
the firm! But that doesn’t last long as Eddie is beaten by vagrants while Mary
Ann who after another vision of demons ripping out her ovaries and playing with
them, and right now trust me the thought of that is making me sick to my
stomach right now and not in a comedic way. As Kevin tries to work on the Alibi with the
assistant Kevin discovers she’s lying and Cullen wins on an Acquittal! Feeling disturbed by what happened Kevin
finds Mary Ann in a church full of cuts and scratches and her going on and on
about how John Milton tried to have his way with her. So of course being the
good husband Kevin decides that the best thing he can do to help is to walk
away from the case and be with his … OR commit her in the nuthouse where an
associate of her husband becomes demonic and Mary Ann kills herself when Kevin and
his mom try to stop her from it! (Cut to James on a canted angle)
TLOTA:
Whoof! I swear I think I should’ve waited for October to do something this
disturbing! (Cut to “The Devil’s Advocate” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Kevin’s mom eventually tells Kevin that his dad is John Milton, pissed off at
the discovery he confronts Milton who reveals himself to be the Devil incarnate,
and that Christabella is his half-sister, Kevin now getting angrier and angrier
as Milton continues his spiel, Kevin fires shot after shot into him to no effect!
John Milton tries to tell his son about how Kevin set himself up for this and
Kevin weirdly acquiesces to the deal when (Cut to Kevin as he cites “Free Will”
and shoots himself in the head committing suicide and John Milton screams “NO!”
as it cuts to the break Kevin had at the Gettys case. Cut to James on a canted
angle)
TLOTA:
Okay, I’m out of jokes on this one! I got less than nothing! (Cut to “The
Devil’s Advocate” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
With apparently a second chance, Kevin decides that he recuses himself from the
case and saves his soul only for the journalist to reveal to us that he’s
friggin John Milton. Meaning the devil gets… (Cut to James on a canted angle.)
TLOTA:
OF COURSE, HE GETS WHAT HE WANTS! HE’S THE FRIGGIN DEVIL! (Cut to clips of “The
Devil’s Advocate” as James tries to summarise his thoughts with a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
So that was “The Devil’s Advocate” and yeah, this one was a rough one to sit
through but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t entertaining! Al Pacino and Keanu
Reeves were two of the biggest reason to watch but trust me when I say, if
you’re looking for something light-hearted and hopeful in this movie, you won’t
find it here. I don’t want to knock the movie, it’s as good as Keanu Reeves’
lesser works and even better than his best post “Bill & Ted” and “Matrix”
movies. If you haven’t seen it, then get ready for the most intense mind trip
and hardest punches to the soul you will ever take. If you have and you’re
still standing, then Mazel Tov. Check it out and hold on to the smallest amount
of hope you can feel after such an event like this.
That Guy On The
Throne (V.O.):
Hope is not the thing humans need! (Cut to James on a canted angle as That Guy
On The Throne returns from Thin Air and James jumps in surprise. Cut to the two
coming face to face)
TLOTA:
Yeah, according to you they just need to follow you and those who serve you
blindly off the cliff. But there’s a problem!
That Guy On The
Throne:
Yeah, and it’s you, Tell me, Jimmy! Your birthdate, April 28th, 1982,
Do you think somehow that was coincidental? NO! IT’S NOT! HAD YOU BEEN BORN WHEN YOU WERE
SUPPOSED TO THEN THINGS WOULD’VE TURNED IN MY FAVOR WAAAAAAAAAAY EARLIER! BUT
NO! SOMEONE UP THERE DECIDED THAT YOU HAD TO BE PROTECTED AND SERVE HIM!
TLOTA:
Me taking care of my father was of my choice, he might not have gotten what I
was doing but I was ALWAYS there for him even when he passed.
That Guy On The
Throne:
NO! I MEAN THE ABSENTEE LANDLORD! THE ONE YOU HAVE FAITH IN, THE MAN WHO TRIED
TO KEEP YOU RIGHTEOUS!
TLOTA:
Well, I failed because of me and my sins! No one else had any part in my sins.
I may have blamed them in the heat of the moment but it was my foolishness that
was my downfall. But there is one thing having done my wrongs then does for me
now!
That Guy On The
Throne:
Which means I can’t touch you! Meaning me being here was because you WANTED me
here for what end?
TLOTA:
Simple. (Cut to James’ hands as they’re behind his back) To come face (James
puts on the bracelet with the gem from the gauntlet on his left wrist and the
ring on his right ring finger) to face. (Cut to James’ face) with the only one
who truly was the master of the deal! (0:05-01:25 of “Batman’s Destiny” from
Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm plays in the foreground as James summons his sword
and shatters the dark blue light bringing everything to normal lighting and
James straightened up) Now you’re coming to me on a false deal, to restore what
I lost! I can never get back everything, that’s life, I left a lot of who I was
behind me. Now I choose what happens. (Cut to That Guy On The Throne.)
That Guy On The
Throne:
NO! THAT IS WHAT HEEEE WANTS YOU TO BELIEVE! WITH ME YOU ARE MORE THAN WHAT YOU
ARE OR WHAT YOU SHOULD BE ACCORDING TO HIM! (01:45-1:56 of
“Batman’s Destiny” from Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm plays in the foreground as
James readies his sword.)
TLOTA:
But there is something neither you nor him have on me. (Cut to the sword as it
is pointed towards James with the tip of the sword between his ribs. Cut to
James’ face) Free…Will! (The sword plunges in at the 01:57-01:58 Mark of
“Batman’s Destiny” from Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm plays in the foreground
and James turns it as That Guy On The Throne shouts “NO!” as flames erupt and
it cuts to James as he rips the sword out of himself, violently and collapses at
the 01:59-02:03 Mark of “Batman’s Destiny” from Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm
plays in the foreground. Cut to That Guy On The Throne as he continues to
scream “NO!” as his face changes to everyone else who has played the devil
before he sees an aura of white protecting James as the flames drag That Guy On
The Throne back to where he came at the 02:04-02:50 Mark of “Batman’s Destiny”
from Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm plays in the foreground. Cut to the Studio as
it appears everything is back to normal save for James’ dead body on the floor
covered in a pool of his blood at the 02:50-03:04 Mark of “Batman’s Destiny”
from Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm plays in the foreground. James wakes up to
see himself in a clockwork castle.)
TLOTA:
Where am I now? (A voice in the background says “You are still fighting for
your life!”) What are you talking about?! I just gutted myself like a fish to
keep the Dark Lord from at least taking control. (A voice in the background
says “You are going to return to yourself better than before and she will
return.) WHO ARE YOU? (The camera slides to James’ right eye to see a person in
a cloak and it cuts to James as he turns to see the one in the cloak. The
person in the cloak walks towards James and reveals to be taking the form of
Julia Alexa Miller.)
The one in the cloak:
This person is taking your life into your hands.
TLOTA:
What fresh level of insanity is going on now?
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