Sunday, February 7, 2021

Cool Like Keanu even against "The Devil's Advocate"

(Scene begins as the stars reform James and the music of “Moves Like Jagger” restarts as James sings “Now as we go on, we find him as he takes all on including the prince of the dark and thought he was a mark! He’ll fight for the soul and admittedly he is in control when darkness rises from hell, he’ll fight for a spell and he goes a little something like this! Watch him and he’ll show ya, Look him take control, yeah, you know because he’s cool like Keanu, Yeah! Yeah! He’s cool like Keanu! You know he’s Coo-ooo-ool like Keanu! I don’t even have to tell ya! Just watch him and You’ll know how to be Cool Like Keanu, know how to be Cool Like Keanu! Know how to be Coo-ooo-ool Like Keanu! (The ending five seconds of the “Moves Like Jagger” sound-alike play as James disintegrates into stars and reforms into a constellation that looks like Keanu Reeves’ face which becomes a still photo that zooms as it cuts to James on a canted angle coming face to face with what appears to be himself sitting on a throne as “The Master Vainglorious” by Murray Gold plays in the foreground on a loop in the segments between James and The Guy On The Throne in this review and everything is bathed in a dark blue light.)

TLOTA:
Okay, I must’ve mixed Cold Medicine, Chinese Take Out and Soda while cleaning up the place! It’s the only logical explanation for… (Cut to the guy on the throne.)

The Guy On The Throne:
For who? Me? I’m here because… (Cut to James on the canted angle)

TLOTA:
Because the human race has become so stupidly inbred they’re willing to accept you. Because you have influenced them to… (Cut to The Guy On The Throne as he goes “WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!” multiple times for ten seconds)

The Guy On The Throne:
Do you think that is what I do, I influence people, I will them to do stupid things, I use my will to them bring to power people you think that I somehow control them like puppets on strings? (Cut to James on the canted angle)

TLOTA:
The best Masters of Puppetry doesn’t use strings. Besides I could tell that you’re not like the other ones that others in their vocation, you’re the one that rules in the darkest levels, You’re the devil that uses humanity’s hubris to trick them into doing your business, and just like any other form of The Dark Lord, you just so happen to remind me of the one I was planning on talking about, Cochise!  (Cut to Hard Rock music as the title from “The Devil’s Advocate” plays as “The Guy On The Throne” shouts “STOP!” as it cuts to him)

The Guy On The Throne:
If you’re going to go with the whole, “Hard Rock is the Devil’s Music” Route, then allow me to play you the real music I listen to. (Elevator Musak plays. Cut to James on the canted angle)

TLOTA:
Yeah, this is the only time you get the point but for the sake of drama, can I please play the Hard Rock Music? (Cut to the guy on the throne.)

The Guy On The Throne:
If it gets you closer to what it is you want? Fine! (Cut to clips of “The Devil’s Advocate” as Hard Rock Music plays and James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Directed by the man who would give us the Ray Charles Biopic, co-starring a young Charlize Theron and a typical Al Pacino performance “The Devil’s Advocate” is possibly the best non “Matrix” performance to come out of Keanu Reeves until the John Wick movies. But does Keanu give the devil his due or will the Devil…(Cut to James and The Guy On The Throne in James’ Lobby)

TLOTA:
You’re already here and you’ve taken control!

That Guy On The Throne:
Oh, don’t be so dramatic!

TLOTA:
The Truth is… you know the rest. (That Guy On The Throne walks away and says “Feh!”) It’s time to go to court against the Devil and to go up against “The Devil’s Advocate” (Cut to “The Devil’s Advocate” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens up in a courtroom as a rape victim is telling her story as we’re introduced to Kevin Lomax played by Keanu Reeves as he realizes he can’t win a case because his client is a legitimate rapist! However, by the power of a Silver Tongue, Kevin wins his case and I guarantee had this case been done in Sullivan Count…(Cut to the clip from MST3K episode “Castle Of Fu Manchu” episode as Crow says “Oh Who Cares!”. Cut to James and That Guy On The Throne as That Guy On The Throne has an inquisitive look on his face.)

That Guy On The Throne:
Why? Why? What was up with that?

TLOTA:
Because as of now the law of man has become so corrupt, even old school Sullivan County New York Justice no longer exists. You know what I’m just gonna say it! That clip from the MST3K episode “Castle Of Fu Manchu” was me realizing that Law, Order, Justice, no longer exists and I know how to sing what comes next (Singing): What should I say except “OH THANK YOU!”

That Guy On The Throne:
DON’T YOU GET ALL SELF RIGHTEOUS ON ME PAL! I COULD MAKE YOUR LIFE EVEN MORE OF A NIGHTMARE THAN IT WAS THE PAST FEW YEARS PAL!

TLOTA:
TRY ME! PLEASE! (That Guy On The Throne looks at him and says “Yikes! You might enjoy it!” Cut to “The Devil’s Advocate” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
While celebrating with his wife played by Charlize Theron a lawyer from New York asks for Kevin’s service in selecting a Jury! Initially thinking it’s a joke until he sees the Payday, What does Kevin do? Kevin goes to his apostolical church to tell his mother and half-sister about going to New York to do well my associate’s work. (Cut to James on a canted angle and That Guy On The Throne as That Guy On The Throne has an inquisitive look on his face.)

That Guy On The Throne:
So I’m the go-to guy when everything bad in life happens!

TLOTA:
The title of the movie is “The Devil’s Advocate” who do you think I am dealing with?! (That Guy On The Throne tries to make a point when he looks and thinks to himself “Yeah, the point is made” Cut to “The Devil’s Advocate” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As Kevin begins to do well at his new job in New York, Kevin feels an ominous force around him as he comes home to discuss his fears about this new job as a Jury finds someone who did a heinous crime not guilty in a record-breaking Thirty-eight minutes, this gets the attention of one John Milton or otherwise known as my current annoyance (Cut to James as he says “Shut It!” to That Guy On The Throne. Cut back to “The Devil’s Advocate” as James continues his voiceover.) played by Al Pacino! He offers Kevin a chance to work with his firm up in New York and quicker than Johnny Blaze can turn into the Ghost Rider, Kevin, and his wife move to New York permanently! One of his first cases is pretty freaky. As Kevin keeps doing his job Mary Ann, his wife, begins to feel alone. When Kevin’s mom comes she senses the evils in New York City! Yeah, it’s no surprise there. IT’S FRIGGIN’ NEW YORK CITY! But Kevin decides to stay to work with Milton. At a function, Mary Ann begins to see demons incognito as the partner’s wives while Kevin begins to have more fantasies about one of his partners in the firm Christabella. (Cut to James on a canted angle and That Guy On The Throne.)

TLOTA:
Yeah, this is getting heavy-duty people and I need a break!

That Guy On The Throne:
Yeah, but…(Cut to James on a canted angle)

TLOTA:
I know the price of your break!

That Guy On The Throne:
Oh really! Well, it could reverse some of the things that went wrong in your life, think of it, family members you lost, brought back from the dead, the woman you want back in your life all you have to do is hear me out!

TLOTA:
PISS OFF ASSHOLE!

That Guy On The Throne:
Oh, ho! James, there’s that temper that’ll one day bring you to me and my realm that much quicker! My terms keep you here for a long, long time. Think about it and after the review then we will talk!

(James still on the canted angle has a look of steadfastly hanging on to whatever is left that is good as the scene fades to black then cuts to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As a case of a Multi-Billionaire named Alex Cullen is on trial for murdering his family comes up, John Milton suggests Kevin for the job this does not sit well with Eddie Barzoon played by Jeffrey Jones. So much so he threatens to call the U.S. Attorney’s Office because Eddie thinks Kevin is after his spot in the firm! But that doesn’t last long as Eddie is beaten by vagrants while Mary Ann who after another vision of demons ripping out her ovaries and playing with them, and right now trust me the thought of that is making me sick to my stomach right now and not in a comedic way.  As Kevin tries to work on the Alibi with the assistant Kevin discovers she’s lying and Cullen wins on an Acquittal!  Feeling disturbed by what happened Kevin finds Mary Ann in a church full of cuts and scratches and her going on and on about how John Milton tried to have his way with her. So of course being the good husband Kevin decides that the best thing he can do to help is to walk away from the case and be with his … OR commit her in the nuthouse where an associate of her husband becomes demonic and Mary Ann kills herself when Kevin and his mom try to stop her from it! (Cut to James on a canted angle)

TLOTA:
Whoof! I swear I think I should’ve waited for October to do something this disturbing! (Cut to “The Devil’s Advocate” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Kevin’s mom eventually tells Kevin that his dad is John Milton, pissed off at the discovery he confronts Milton who reveals himself to be the Devil incarnate, and that Christabella is his half-sister, Kevin now getting angrier and angrier as Milton continues his spiel, Kevin fires shot after shot into him to no effect! John Milton tries to tell his son about how Kevin set himself up for this and Kevin weirdly acquiesces to the deal when (Cut to Kevin as he cites “Free Will” and shoots himself in the head committing suicide and John Milton screams “NO!” as it cuts to the break Kevin had at the Gettys case. Cut to James on a canted angle)

TLOTA:
Okay, I’m out of jokes on this one! I got less than nothing! (Cut to “The Devil’s Advocate” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
With apparently a second chance, Kevin decides that he recuses himself from the case and saves his soul only for the journalist to reveal to us that he’s friggin John Milton. Meaning the devil gets… (Cut to James on a canted angle.)

TLOTA:
OF COURSE, HE GETS WHAT HE WANTS! HE’S THE FRIGGIN DEVIL! (Cut to clips of “The Devil’s Advocate” as James tries to summarise his thoughts with a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So that was “The Devil’s Advocate” and yeah, this one was a rough one to sit through but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t entertaining! Al Pacino and Keanu Reeves were two of the biggest reason to watch but trust me when I say, if you’re looking for something light-hearted and hopeful in this movie, you won’t find it here. I don’t want to knock the movie, it’s as good as Keanu Reeves’ lesser works and even better than his best post “Bill & Ted” and “Matrix” movies. If you haven’t seen it, then get ready for the most intense mind trip and hardest punches to the soul you will ever take. If you have and you’re still standing, then Mazel Tov. Check it out and hold on to the smallest amount of hope you can feel after such an event like this.

That Guy On The Throne (V.O.):
Hope is not the thing humans need! (Cut to James on a canted angle as That Guy On The Throne returns from Thin Air and James jumps in surprise. Cut to the two coming face to face)

TLOTA:
Yeah, according to you they just need to follow you and those who serve you blindly off the cliff. But there’s a problem!

That Guy On The Throne:
Yeah, and it’s you, Tell me, Jimmy! Your birthdate, April 28th, 1982, Do you think somehow that was coincidental?  NO! IT’S NOT! HAD YOU BEEN BORN WHEN YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO THEN THINGS WOULD’VE TURNED IN MY FAVOR WAAAAAAAAAAY EARLIER! BUT NO! SOMEONE UP THERE DECIDED THAT YOU HAD TO BE PROTECTED AND SERVE HIM!

TLOTA:
Me taking care of my father was of my choice, he might not have gotten what I was doing but I was ALWAYS there for him even when he passed.

That Guy On The Throne:
NO! I MEAN THE ABSENTEE LANDLORD! THE ONE YOU HAVE FAITH IN, THE MAN WHO TRIED TO KEEP YOU RIGHTEOUS!

TLOTA:
Well, I failed because of me and my sins! No one else had any part in my sins. I may have blamed them in the heat of the moment but it was my foolishness that was my downfall. But there is one thing having done my wrongs then does for me now!

That Guy On The Throne:
Which means I can’t touch you! Meaning me being here was because you WANTED me here for what end?

TLOTA:
Simple. (Cut to James’ hands as they’re behind his back) To come face (James puts on the bracelet with the gem from the gauntlet on his left wrist and the ring on his right ring finger) to face. (Cut to James’ face) with the only one who truly was the master of the deal! (0:05-01:25 of “Batman’s Destiny” from Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm plays in the foreground as James summons his sword and shatters the dark blue light bringing everything to normal lighting and James straightened up) Now you’re coming to me on a false deal, to restore what I lost! I can never get back everything, that’s life, I left a lot of who I was behind me. Now I choose what happens. (Cut to That Guy On The Throne.)

That Guy On The Throne:
NO! THAT IS WHAT HEEEE WANTS YOU TO BELIEVE! WITH ME YOU ARE MORE THAN WHAT YOU ARE OR WHAT YOU SHOULD BE ACCORDING TO HIM! (01:45-1:56 of “Batman’s Destiny” from Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm plays in the foreground as James readies his sword.)

TLOTA:
But there is something neither you nor him have on me. (Cut to the sword as it is pointed towards James with the tip of the sword between his ribs. Cut to James’ face) Free…Will! (The sword plunges in at the 01:57-01:58 Mark of “Batman’s Destiny” from Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm plays in the foreground and James turns it as That Guy On The Throne shouts “NO!” as flames erupt and it cuts to James as he rips the sword out of himself, violently and collapses at the 01:59-02:03 Mark of “Batman’s Destiny” from Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm plays in the foreground. Cut to That Guy On The Throne as he continues to scream “NO!” as his face changes to everyone else who has played the devil before he sees an aura of white protecting James as the flames drag That Guy On The Throne back to where he came at the 02:04-02:50 Mark of “Batman’s Destiny” from Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm plays in the foreground. Cut to the Studio as it appears everything is back to normal save for James’ dead body on the floor covered in a pool of his blood at the 02:50-03:04 Mark of “Batman’s Destiny” from Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm plays in the foreground. James wakes up to see himself in a clockwork castle.)

TLOTA:
Where am I now? (A voice in the background says “You are still fighting for your life!”) What are you talking about?! I just gutted myself like a fish to keep the Dark Lord from at least taking control. (A voice in the background says “You are going to return to yourself better than before and she will return.) WHO ARE YOU? (The camera slides to James’ right eye to see a person in a cloak and it cuts to James as he turns to see the one in the cloak. The person in the cloak walks towards James and reveals to be taking the form of Julia Alexa Miller.)

The one in the cloak:
This person is taking your life into your hands.

TLOTA:
What fresh level of insanity is going on now?

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