"School" Daze

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office physically but having a look in his face that he's been up for days)

TLOTA (Stammering / Speed talking):
I-I-I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The A-A-Americans, a-a-a-and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours. And I have been a little busy between this and College. So I've been awake for a while, but I'm fine! I'm fine, I've been trying to get a lot done, so I've drunk some Tea mixed with D-D-D-Dark Chocolate Syrup & energy drinks, eaten some Chocolate Covered E-E-E-Espresso Beans, M&Ms, Listening to some Nitzer Ebb and Classic Super Thrash Metal, and I'm fine everyone, I'm fine! So let's get to the review! (Cut to the Opening Credits of "Back To School." Cut to clips of the movie as "Back To School" by Jude Cole plays in the foreground as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
How has this movie fallen into obscurity? It has Rodney Dangerfield, one of the funniest AND most respected comedians and comic actors of all time, Sally Kellerman aka "Hot Lips" from the movie version of "M*A*S*H," Terry Farrell aka Jadzia Dax from "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine," Burt "Paulie" Young, William Zabka just fresh out of "The Karate Kid," Arnie Cunningham from "Christine," AND A VERY VERY young Robert Downey Jr. Why has it fallen into such obscure lore, does it deserve not to be treated with the respect it deserves? (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA (Speed talking):
Let's not waste a microsecond we're going "Back To School"(Cut to clips of "Back To School" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA:
The movie begins in old New York City as we see a tailor's son with shallow grades in school played by Jason Hervey as his father scolds him for his failing grades and reminds him he is a Meloni. For the record, I am NOT making the obvious references to Christopher Meloni, "Law & Order: SVU" or "Law & Order: Organized Crime." Instead, as the credits roll, we see how the young boy becomes a self-made millionaire by changing his name to Thornton Melon and how he made his money by making clothes for the heavier sect. We also see he has a good friend in his limo driver, played by Burt Young, and a loving son, played by Keith Gordon, who happens to be in College and is quietly struggling with both his father's success and college as he's bullied by William Zabka. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA (Speed talking):
For the love of peat moss, did the guy ever play the decent guy in anything, and feel free to make your own "Karate Kid" or "COBRA KAI" joke, I got nothing. (Cut to clips of "Back To School" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA(V.O.):
We then see Thornton at home as his second wife, played by Adrienne Barbeau, constantly gives the poor schlub Tsouris for being himself. However, Thornton and his second wife decided to put a bullet through the marriage at a party. Feeling like he just dropped a few hundred pounds of grief and the wedge between him and his son. He decides to pack up and surprise his son at college. (Show clip of Thornton looking for his son as he comes upon a naked college girl, apologizes for looking at her, and then says, "You're Perfect!" Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA (Speed talking):
So Let's see how far up on the "SVU" meter Thornton is on. ( James turns to his left as a meter appears, and the photos of the heads of the cast of "Law & Order: SVU" are at the top of the meter as Bells, Whistles, Alarms, horns, and all sorts of noises are heard as the photos of the heads of the cast of "Law & Order: SVU" grow in size until they explode and James falls. James lays there short of breath until he finally relaxes.)

TLOTA:
I'm okay. That was all I needed to relax my mind. Whew! It must have been up for a while. 

ORAC (Audio only):
You have been awake for three weeks. 

TLOTA:
WOW! Am I in the middle of something?

ORAC (Audio only):
A review of the Rodney Dangerfield movie "Back To School."

TLOTA:
Okay, where am I?

ORAC (Audio only):
Past a moment in which the cast of "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" would've gone through the roof to put Thornton Melon in Prison. (James motions the sign as to say, "Let's move on." Cut to clips of "Back To School" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Meanwhile, we find Jason pining over a girl at his college named Valerie, played by Terry Farrell, as he consults his anarchistic friend Derek Lutz played by Robert Downey Jr. (Show "Let's face it, this is not the worst thing you've caught me doing" clip from "Iron Man." Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Actually, this is one of your earliest best, in my opinion, Robert Downey Jr. (Show Robert Downey Jr talking about how the whole system was meant not to work for them then the rest of the clips of the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA(V.O.):
Jason and Derek are introduced to Thornton and his limo driving friend. As father and son talk, Thornton realizes that the value of education by deciding not only will he go back to school to help his son but also himself and, to this movie's credit, now going to College after a long hiatus, I can't help but feel Thornton's message that it's never too late to get a better education, but it's also better earlier in life. Thornton wants to go to the same college his son is attending to gets to the Dean, played by the late Ned Beatty. However, because Thornton is sans a GED, High School Diploma, or SAT score, there is a question about how he can get in. The answer? Simple, he donates to the college, thus buying his way into college. A few days later, at Registration, Valerie and Jason meet face to face. Jason and Derek allowing Valerie to join them in line. Zabka tries to cut in, but Derek hits him with a burn that would send Peter Highman into the stratosphere. Returning to their dorm room having been redesigned, Thornton comes to understand that his first-class is in economics, and the Professor of the course played by Paxton Whitehead has painted the biggest bulls' eye on Thornton because of his lower-class standings. The next class for Thornton is American History as the professor there is played by all people SAM FRIGGIN' KINISON! LET'S GO! (Show clip of Professor Terguson as he teaches his course. Cut to James as he pops up behind his desk)

TLOTA:
I'm not going back to his course without a tranquilizer powerful enough to knock a herd of Rhinos! (Cut to clips of "Back To School" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
After his first day, Thornton's Economics Professor and English Professor, played by Sally Kellerman, discuss Thornton. (Show clip of Professor Barbay as he talks about having her dress up as Wonder Woman, tying him up with a golden lariat, and force him to tell the truth. Cut to James as he looks disturbed and turns to his left as a meter appears. The photos of the heads of the cast of "Law & Order: SVU" are at the top of the meter as Bells, Whistles, Alarms, horns, and all sorts of noises are heard as the photos of the heads of the cast of "Law & Order: SVU" grow in size until they explode again. Cut back to the movie as James continues his voiceover.) So after that bit of "MAMA NO!". Thornton quickly becomes the man of the campus. Just as Jason preps for training to get into the dive team, which he gets from his dad, a diver. Thornton and the coach, played by M. Emmett Walsh, talk about diving, convincing the coach to give Jason a second chance. Later on, while studying, Jason meets with Valerie as Thornton decides to have some fun with his fellow College members. A riot is unleashed at an on-campus bar Thornton is hanging out at all because of good ol' RDJ and his anti-authoritarian views about the campus. As the semester continues, Thornton focuses on the fun aspects and has his business associates help. Even getting, NO, JOKE KURT VONNEGUT TO HELP WITH THE HOMEWORK while having to help in a science experiment with Monkeys, Thornton decides to get his entire staff to help with his work! Eventually leading to the inevitable for Jason and everyone. At a meet, Zabka sabotages Jason's dive, and Thornton tries to get his son to relax by throwing a party in which Thornton's antics cause his English Professor to lose respect for Thornton. Jason is upset that he may not have gotten in on his own way and had enough of his dad. Then Thornton winds up in academic trouble, which sends the Professor who has given Buffalo Bill competition as for how creepy he is has had it for Thornton Melon and decides to go for the throat forcing Thornton to perform an oral examination. If Thornton passes, he's still in school, he fails, he's out for good. Meanwhile, Lou tells Jason to give his dad some slack and help him out. Thornton decides to hit the road until Jason, Derek, Lou, and his English Professor decide to help in a Studying Montage. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And I got to admit that I can relate to Thornton's dilemma, hence how crazy I was in the introduction of this review. (Cut to clips of "Back To School" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The day of Thornton's Oral examination has arrived, as has the day of the biggest Swim Meet of the season. As Thornton's Oral Examination begins, we should have someone who is relatively decent, intelligent...OR WE ALLOW PROFESSOR KINKY TO START THINGS, AND SOMETHING TELLS ME HE'S GONNA MAKE BOTH THORNTON AND CHRISTIAN GREY TOSS THEIR COLLECTIVE COOKIES! (Shudders) Meanwhile, Jason talks to Valerie once again, this time in a better mind frame than the one he had last time, which was Jason was at his lowest, and this time Valerie and Jason profess their love for one another as Thornton thwarts Professor Kinky. After that, Derek Lutz finally shows some School Spirit by causing the opposing team to flop on their dives. Meanwhile, Zabka tries to knock Jason down, but Jason tells Zabka to take a flop, which he does. Back at the Oral Examination, the English Professor helps give Thornton his second wind and makes it to see his son nail his dive with perfection. Zabka pusses out which makes the coach come up with a creative solution, leading to one of the most infamous scenes in cinema! (Show Thornton Melon's "Triple Lindy" dive.) Yep, the Triple Lindy, and to be fair, this scene, while not edited really well, really did show how awesome a dive like that could be, even though it would have caused any diver to have called a career as a diver. I will give the moment a pass and say, "Yeah, that was cool". Thornton's dive gives the Dive Team the win. Thornton passes thanks to the English Professor giving him an A while the rest gave him D's, and the movie ends with Thornton giving the Commencement speech. (Show clip of Thornton Melon giving the Commencement Speech.) Pretty accurate given certain things nowadays. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So that was "Back To School," and it holds up and deserves respect(Cut to clips of "Back To School" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Let me say the following, this movie is not high art in any way, shape, or form. But it is as entertaining as all get out. When I was young I enjoyed it for the crude humor and Rodney's Thorton Melon. Now that I'm closer to Rodney's age I can say I can relate to the story of Thornton more of someone trying to get an education later on in life. The acting was awesome, even Robert Downey Jr was showing some of the greatness he was bound to have when he became Iron Man. If you haven't seen it then do yourself a favor and check it out. You deserve to show it the respect both Rodney and this movie deserve. (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
Well, that's it for September. Next month...Next month is October, which means one thing! (James pulls out his Morpher and shifts to his Halloween mode.) It's Halloween season! But what to do? (Static cuts the feed for two seconds as Phelous is in his reviewing room.)

Phelous:
OH, JAAAMES! (Cut to James)

Phelous:
Didn't forget about what you said was a present for me for my wedding when it happened. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Nope, I am doing my Top 13 favorite episodes of "The Real Ghostbusters" (Cut to Phelous)

Phelous:
Okay, But I set the rules! One) You have to limit yourself to the episodes that were in the Syndicated market, meaning NONE of the ABC/Q5 Episodes, Two) Spoilers will be at your discretion! Three) Mentioning me will make sure you will have better views, even if you have to brand your forehead with my awesomeness! Four) If you talk about the movies in conjunction with the episode then make sure it is the right connection to... (Cut to James as Phelous continues to ramble about the animated series, "Ghostbusters" (1984), "Ghostbusters II" and the upcoming "Ghostbusters: Aftermath" as James pulls out a sign saying "Top 13 "The Real Ghostbusters" Episodes. This is James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and this is his opinion!" as Phelous says "The Bill Murry/Lorenzo Music connection" as it fades to black. The Audio of Phelous saying "HEY! I'll give him the rest of the rules on a Message!")