Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Bad Romance: A "Super" Bad Romance


(An eye is looking around trying to discover what is going on until an audible scream is heard. Before cutting to Team TLOTA as Olivia Horvath brandishes a Minigun, Paulo Fonseca has twin gold plated desert eagles, Rebecca Yaun has 50 Sai Daggers, Nick Yaun has a Recurve Bow and a quiver full of weaponized arrows, Eric Kurtzke has a Katana, John Santos has a Semi Auto 30-06 Rifle, Mike Santos has axes of all size, Renee Miller has a sword, Eliza Dushku is brandishing ten Kunai & Traci Hines has a Semi-Auto 12 Gauge Shotgun with deer slugs before cutting to see “Cupid” played by Ed Champion strapped to a wall screaming before cutting to see everyone walking in slow motion either firing or throwing their weapons forwards in a straight line towards “Cupid” as the scene cuts to see “Cupid” Screaming as they either do very little damage or miss entirely before Olivia, Paulo, Rebecca, Eric & John move to their right and Mike, Renee, Eliza & Traci to their left as James Faraci The Last Of The Americans is seen in the center as he is brandishing a Rocket Launcher before cutting to “Cupid” with a look on his face that screams “DIAPERS TO BE DARKENED” before cutting to James firing the Rocket Launcher and the Rocket locks onto “Cupid” before cutting to everyone turning their back as the explosion engulfs the back wall and everyone has a look on their face that shows they’re not a happy bunch and the words “Bad Romance” is Stamped in Steel as 4:11-4:54 of Bad Romance plays in the background throughout the entire intro before cutting to James sitting in his office looking at the audience with an look of “Why Me?” on his face.)

TLOTA: Excuse me for a moment. (James walks to the main lobby)

TLOTA: Hey Guys, I’ve got to ask something. Is there a sign over my head saying “I’ve done something wrong and I deserve this punishment!” or “I’m a sadist’s submissive please torture me!” or anything that says I enjoy being tortured?

(Cut to everyone either saying No or nodding as to say no before cutting to James looking at the audience)

TLOTA: SO WHY THE HELL AM I DEALING WITH THIS CRAP FOR THE NEXT THREE MONTHS?! (Cut to Clips of Romantic Comedies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): OH…MY…GOD! I am going to be dealing with a genre of movies that I already said should die or at least needs someone to give the genre a huge dose of intelligence and when I mean a huge dose of intelligence I mean enough intelligence to rival Carl Sagan, Steven Hawkins & Albert Einstein combined. I am of course talking about the Romantic Comedy Genre. A Genre that might be the bane of the existence of everyone with an I.Q. larger than the height of the Himalayas and Kilimanjaro, Matterhorn, Mont Blanc and the Rest of the ALPS! (Cut to James in his office)

TLOTA: But maybe if I start off with something not as bad then maybe the next two months after this one maybe just maaaaaay be tolerable. With that said, let’s start this madness parade with something I can tolerate, barely. (Cut to the Opening of “My SUPER Ex-Girlfriend before cutting to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Yeah for those who thought Emma Peel in “The Avengers” & “Poison Ivy” in “Batman & Robin” was Uma Thurman’s worst roles then obviously, they never acknowledge this turkey. But there is something that’s so unbearably bad that there is something so bizarrely entertaining that it may be worth at least one viewing, two at the outside, three if you’re sick in the head like me. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So, let’s start this nightmare rollercoaster ride from hell with “My Super Ex-Girlfriend”! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So, our movie begins with a robbery in New York City, A.K.A. a typical Thursday when our soon to be titular “Super” Ex-Girlfriend G-Girl played by Uma Thurman stops the bad guy when one tries to kill her but nearly get this movie an R-Rating! (Cut to the clip in which G-Girl’s outfit is shredded by bullets before static breaks as Edna Mode played by Olivia Horvath sits in chair over a spotlight in a black room.)

Edna Mode (Played by Olivia Horvath): NO! THAT SUIT WAS NOT MADE BY ME! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Edna Mode? (Cut to Edna Mode)

Edna Mode (Played by Olivia Horvath): Yes, darling I know this because if it was I who made the suits for her they would be made with unstable molecules combined with a mimetic metallic alloy lining so they will be virtually indestructible darlings! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But what about…? (Cut to Edna Mode)

Edna Mode (Played by Olivia Horvath): NO! NO CAPES! (Melissa Benoist as Supergirl flies down to confront Edna)

Supergirl: Well, Edna I hate to tell you this but my cousin and I wear them and…

Edna Mode: How many times have you got caught in the blades of the jet engine or tripped and fallen on that skirted little behind?

Supergirl: Never.

Edna Mode: How about the yellow that should be inside the S in your suit.

Supergirl: IT’S NOT AN “S”! IT’S MY FAMILY’S COAT OF ARMS! THE HOUSE OF EL! IT MEANS HOPE! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Okay, chill out Supergirl, no need to go all red kryptonite crazy on us, believe me I still have nightmares of you doing things to me in the Kama Sutra when you were in that frame of mind and me in traction for the rest of my days! Not exactly worth it to me! We get it! Calm down! Please! I like you! Don’t hurt me! (Cut to Supergirl and Edna Mode)

Supergirl: James you can calm down and Edna the cape aides in Aerodynamic propulsion.

Edna Mode: Oh, I never thought of Aerodynamic propulsion when it comes to capes, I always looked upon them as… (Wonder Woman played by Eliza Dushku jumps in.)

Wonder Woman: Wastes of great fabrics as they should be used to protect the body?

Supergirl: Coming from someone whose outfit is basically a one piece with a skirt, yeah you have room to talk.

Wonder Woman: This is an Amazonian Warrior’s battle suit! (Cut to James as he hears the two argue as John & Mike Santos, Eric Kurtzke, Nick Yaun & Paulo Fonseca come in around James to see the two of them argue before cutting to the two of them argue as Batgirl played by Traci Hines comes in from out of nowhere.)

Batgirl: What about cape and cowls?

Wonder Woman and Supergirl: SHUT UP BATGIRL! (The three of them argue before cutting to see John, Mike, Eric, Nick and Paulo look with Smiles on their faces as James sits there in frustration)

TLOTA (Audio only): Okay quick question How many of you are married AND want to stay that way without the fear of being Bobbitized?! (Nick & Paulo drop out of frame)

TLOTA (Audio only): One more question, just one more. How many of you want to be in a relationship with a woman without the fear of being Bobbitized?! (Eric, John, Mike and James drop out of the frame as the audio of the argument is heard before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): After literally dropping off the robbers outside the precinct, we’re introduced to Matt played by Luke “My Brother is the luckiest Son of a Bitch in the world ” Wilson & Vaughn played by Rainn “No relation to either Luke or Owen and I’m doing this while waiting on the next season of “The Office” Wilson as the two chat, Vaughn suggests to Matt that he try asking a random woman and guess who Matt tries to hook up with? (Cut to Matt trying to hook up with G-Girl’s civilian identity before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Well, no wonder the runtime is about ten minutes. (Cut back to the movie as Matt chases down a guy who mugged Uma’s character before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: DAMN IT This movie is still going. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So, Matt tries to grab they guy who grabbed G-Girl’s civilian identities’ purse he gets the purse but not the guy and tries to dis the thug who has ears and chases after Matt cornering him in a dumpster when strange punches and thud are heard and Matt is introduced to Jenny Johnson. Your everyday average Art Gallery Curator, yeah let’s go with that. At any rate the two have a hook-up as we discover that Matt secretly has a crush on Hannah his co-worker played by Anna Faris but from what I’ve heard her boyfriend is a Star Lord. Oh well, at least Jenny agreed to see Matt on a date and believe it or not the rest of the first act goes as follows, Jenny and Matt go on a date and she nearly compromises her superhero identity and supposed bad guy Professor Bedlam played by Eddie Izzard stalks Jenny and Matt and comes up with a plan to get close to Jenny. Jenny and Matt do the in-bed tango so hard his bed and his manhood are reduced to dust! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: YOWZA! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Also, they show how much of an absolute psycho Jenny is! But as Matt is on his way to work one day when Bedlam kidnaps him, tries to get information out of him then dangles him like a worm on a hook UNDER THE TORCH OF THE STATUE OF LIBERTY! Fortuitously, G-Girl saves Matt and as long as Matt doesn’t know G-Girl and Jenny are the same person he should be safe! (Cut to Matt being shown that Jenny is G-Girl before cutting to James slapping himself on the forehead then cut to everyone else at Team TLOTA slapping themselves on the forehead then everyone at Rowdyc.com and The Reviewerverse slapping themselves on the forehead and then God himself slapping himself on the forehead before cutting to the movie as James physically)

TLOTA: I need a break! They just found new ways to make huge piles of dumb. I need Liquid I.Q.!

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return to the movie while James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Well The little hand is on exposition and the big hand is on Origin Story so go ahead Jenny! Tell us your Superhero backstory. (Show clip in which Jenny tells Matt her backstory before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: WOW! That is something straight out of a subpar Superhero comedy from the 1990’s now where have I heard that before. (James thinks while holding a copy of “Meteor Man” in his hand and taps the case for it on his forehead before there’s a knock at James’ door.) What’s up? (Cut to Eliza at the doorway.)

Eliza Dushku: A meteorite landed in the parking lot! Do you want us to check it out? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Sure, why not? ORAC! Contact NASA tell them what we found we’ll be the guys freezing to death like popsicles trying to stay warm by a meteorite.  (James walks away and then a loud explosion is heard and James gets knocked into his office.)

TLOTA: OH, MY BACK! OH, MY ACHING BACK! ORAC! What happened?

ORAC (Audio Only): Eliza, Olivia, Renee, Rebecca and Traci were the closest to the meteor when it exploded and were exposed to the radiation emanating from it. Shall I keep you apprised of anything that happens.

TLOTA: Yeah, even if it interrupts the review. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So after nearly dying from joining the Mile-High Club in the most reckless way possible, Matt starts to consider maybe dating a Superhero isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. But that’s not even the worst of it. Jenny shows how psychotic she is by nearly letting Missiles hit the city especially when Jenny thinks Matt is hooking up with Hannah. Finally having enough Matt decides to dump the She-Psycho! Which leads to G-Girl becoming Hell-bent on making Matt’s life a living nightmare. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And just HOW bad does it get for Matt? On a scale of One through ten? It’s a 4,281,982! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I’m talking short of making Matt taking a trip off the Empire State Building just to be rid of her. She costs Matt his job, nearly cooks his fish alive, tosses his car into geosynchronistic orbit even when he and Hannah finally hook up after her boyfriend disappeared under mysterious circumstances, though from what I heard he’s commanding the Milano in another sector space. What does G-Girl do to torment Matt?

G-Girl: I HATE YOU MATT SAUNDERS! (G-Girl tosses a Great White Shark and the shark tries to attack before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: JEEEESUS, MARY, JOSEPH AND HIS TECHNO FREAKING COLOR DREAMCOAT MOVIE! (Cut to the movie and corresponding clips from “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOUR MESSAGE ABOUT STRONG WOMEN GETTING DUMPED IS BUT DUDE, THIS IS NOT THE RIGHT ONE! In a situation when a strong heroine like Buffy got her heart broken she doesn’t sadistically stalk and make their ex’s life a living hell or shove ‘em in a nest of vampires, she takes it out on the vampires, turns them into dust until she feels better! And yes, I WHOLLY discount that whole “Beer Bad” bad luck with Parker incident. Regardless, she doesn’t toss JAWS onto their table! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I mean for the love of Peat Moss! Why would anyone toss a fish?

Eliza Dushku (Audio only): Heads up! Dinner’s here! (A Tuna lands on James’ desk and James jumps back and shouts “BADABOOMBAH!”)

TLOTA: ELIZA! WHERE DID YOU GET THAT? (Cut to Eliza at the door way)

Eliza Dushku: Oh, off the Hawaiian coast! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: How did you…? (Cut to Eliza at the door way)

Eliza Dushku: I flew! Yeah by the way, I think you need to see this. (James looks out in the doorway with his jaw getting ready to hit the floor before cutting to Rebecca Yaun juggle her husband and her brother around and hear them scream and cry before cutting to James as he looks to see Olivia Horvath, Renee Miller and Traci Hines play Hot Potato with the pieces of the Couch as John & Mike Santos and Eric Kurtzke ON the pieces of the couch!)

Eric Kurtzke: BRACE FOR IMPACT!

Mike Santos: BATTEN DOWN THE HATCHES!

John Santos: I WANT MY MOMMY! (Cut to James & Eliza looking at the chaos.)

TLOTA: I’ll fix this or I’ll commit myself, fake my death, go into the Witness Relocation Program after extensive…. My hand is on the Lasso of Truth, isn’t it?

Eliza Dushku: Borrowed it from Wonder Woman.

TLOTA: Well, I’ll fix this! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So after…. THAT! Matt decides to team up with the real hero in this turkey Professor Bedlam and set up a trap for Psycho Girl! However, through the usual Bad Timing in this type of movie Hannah and Vaughn come by but that works in the plan’s favor as Vaughn unleashes a rock that sucks Jenny’s powers away from her! THANK YOU, GOD! NOW THEY CAN CART HER OFF TO THE FUNNY FARM WHERE SHE BELONG…Or Bedlam will try to take the powers for himself. I knew I’d have to use this one eventually! (Cut to the “It’s A Trap” General Ackbar moment in “Return Of The Jedi” before cutting to the movie as the rock go kablamo and then cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: FINALLY, THIS MOVIE IS OVER!  ALLS WELL THAT ENDS WELL… (The audio of Jenny getting angry after getting her powers back before cutting to her shouting “I didn't think you were this despicable! Teaming up with BARRY!” before cutting to James with a sad puppy dog look in his eye and his bottom lip quivering before cutting to James curled up into a ball and crying silently in a corner in the lobby before cutting to everyone else.)

Rebecca Yaun: James? (Cut to James)

TLOTA (Whimpering and sad): DON’T TOUCH ME! I CAN’T DO IT! I KNOW THERE’S LESS THAN TWENTY MINUTES LEFT BUT I CAN’T DO IT! (Cut to everyone else)

Olivia Horvath: Are you the same person who killed a group of rapists and abusive men in the middle of your review of “Gigli”?  (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Yeah, I did that! (Cut to everyone else)

Nick Yaun: And didn’t you review “Fishtales” while you were catatonic? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Yeah, I did that! (Cut to everyone else)

Paulo Fonseca: And weren’t you and Eliza trapped in a quadrant of space and yet somehow you could analyze “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Yeah, I did that! (Cut to everyone else)

John Santos: And didn’t you while your mind was scrambled after a New Year’s Eve party with the cast of “Glee” review all THREE of Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man movies? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Yeah, I did that, Didn’t I? (Cut to everyone else)

Everyone else: YEAH! (Cut to James as he stands up as the song from “Airplane” where Ted decides to get back in and save the day plays in the background)

TLOTA: That’s right! I know what to do, take a swig of Liquid I.Q. (James chugs a whole bottle of Liquid I.Q. gasps for air and tosses the bottle), Go into that room, take on the last 20 minutes of “My Super Ex-Girlfriend” and if all else fails, GO DOWN SWINGING! (James walks back into his office as the music swells even passing a cheerleading squad containing Kailey Coney as they cheer “James, James, he’s our man! Can he, do it? Let’s Hope he can!” before cutting back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So, Jenny has got her powers back but guess who else touched the superhero rock.

Hannah: HEY! Let go of my boyfriend, you crazy BITCH!

TLOTA (Voiceover): That’s right Hannah and Jenny have a Superhero brawl for no apparent reason outside of one of them winning Matt’s heart and in Psycho-Girl’s case it’s on a mantelpiece and in Hannah’s well to keep Jenny away from Matt. (Cut to the two of them brawling before cutting to James)

TLOTA: HEADS UP, SUPERMAN AND BATMAN ARE BRAWLING ACROSS THE BAY BETWEEN METROPOLIS AND GOTHAM! (Intercut the brawl between Superman & Batman in “Superman v Batman: Dawn Of Justice” with the brawl between Hannah & Jenny in “My Super Ex-Girlfriend” before cutting to still images of Jenny Flying accidentally punching Superman, Batman decking Jenny, Hannah punching Batman and Hannah getting punched by Jenny before the two crashing a fashion show and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So, after causing enough damage that could give Trump the rights to rebuild every skyscraper in New York, Matt tries to reason with the psycho trying to kill Matt’s true crush by saying “Hey, I’m not right for you but the person who loved you before you got the powers when the two of you had chemistry with in High School still cares so give him a second chance.” And that’s all that it took for G-Girl to stop her rampage and what do Matt and Hannah do to celebrate? Have another bed and manhood destroying night of Super Whoopie! And our movie ends with Hannah becoming a superhero alongside G-Girl and hopefully handling her in being a Superheroine. (Cut to the two just standing there)

TLOTA (Dubbing Matt): So now what do we do?

Paulo Fonseca (Dubbing Barry “Bedlam”): Kiss our careers and manhoods goodbye?

TLOTA (Dubbing Matt): Eh, might as well, my brother is gonna have a better career until Zoolander 2! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And that was “My Super Ex-Girlfriend”! It was bad but what’s worse is that it could’ve been better! (Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I mean this had potential. A romantic movie featuring Superheroes? Yeah! If the Superheroes in love are interesting. There is a reason why the romance between Lois Lane & Clark Kent works in most live action and animated versions because it allows them to have these moments together without having to be all schmaltzy. Hell, the romance in “The Incredibles” because this allows the heroes to have human emotions. But this has as much chemistry as Olive Oil and Nitroglycerine and what’s worse is that it had a great director in the director’s chair, Ivan Reitman! IVAN REITMAN! HE DID GHOSTBUSTERS 1 & 2, TWINS, KINDERGARDEN COP, BEETHOVEN! And he made this turkey?! WHAT HAPPENED?! But I can’t fault him for bad writing, bad acting and an overall good idea done wrong. (Cut to James physically as he sighs.)

TLOTA: But I still have two more months of schmaltz and schlock to deal with so let’s see what’s next on the docket. (James pulls out a clipboard before cutting to everyone else in the main lobby)

Eliza Dushku: Well, finally got these powers under control.

Olivia Horvath: And not a moment too soon.

Renee Miller: Just look at the guys. (Cut to Nick Yaun, Paulo Fonseca, John Ross Santos, Mike Santos & Eric Kurtzke laying down on a couch sucking on their thumbs as Rebecca warms up multiple bottles of Liquid I.Q. with her heat vision.)

Rebecca Yaun: There we go guys, drink it down and in a little while you’ll be back to normal! (A Door is slammed open as it cuts to James with an angered look on his face that can burn through lead!)

TLOTA: Everyone Please Leave…. NOW! (Cut to Rebecca carrying Nick and Paulo over her shoulders and running out the front door followed by Olivia Horvath carrying John & Mike Santos and running out the front door followed by Renee Miller carrying Eric Kurtzke and running out the front door and Eliza Dushku & Traci Hines run out the front door before cutting to James still with an angered look on his face as “Cry Little Sister” covered by “Aiden” play in the background before James starts walking to the backroom as it cuts to James’ boots turning from Tan to Black before cutting to James looking over a wall of weapons before grabbing one and then down the secondary hallway.)

TLOTA (Internal thoughts): My name… is James Benjamin Faraci. I am… an Internet Reviewer. I am… The Last Of The Americans. And I AM ABOUT TO MAKE THE DEVIL PAY HIS DUE! (James pulls out Chudnofsky’s Double Barreled Handgun before cutting to the DVD cover of “Valentine’s Day” as the Chorus of “Cry Little Sister” plays in the foreground before cutting to James with the look of “YOU’RE GONNA DIE!” before cutting to black.)