Wednesday, January 28, 2015

The Average Guy in "The Modern Guide to Modern Dating"

(Music in the same vein of Donald Duck's opening theme plays in the background James singing throughout the intro "Who has the Average disposition? One guy that's who. Who never puts in his two cents? Who knows that his world makes sense? Who always lives a normal life? Who always seems to never know what's right? Who tells it true in front of a lie? No one! But The Average Guy!"  as "James Faraci The Last Of The Americans Presents:" is seen then cuts to a picture of James Faraci with a simple smile on James' face and the words "The Average Guy" is below and cuts to the title card of  "The Modern Guide to Modern Dating" then cutting to animation with The Narrator played by Chris Lee Moore doing a voice over)

The Narrator (Voice over): Since the dawn of time immemorial man has wanted to mate with females. In the beginning it was easy for cavemen to look at a mate and clubbing was the only way to go, LITERALLY! But times have changed and since then women have gotten smarter and men have become... (The animated Female clubs the guy) Well suffice to say men have been getting the short end of the stick for centuries! (Animation fades as it cuts to live action where The Average Guy is sitting on his couch feeling sorry for himself eating a box of Quaker Oatmeal Squares cereal while downing a bottle of Ginger Ale while The Narrator continues to do a voice over.)

The Narrator (Voice over): Take for example this poor Average Guy! (The Average Guy Spit takes out his Ginger Ale and the Quaker Oatmeal Squares cereals fly)

The Average Guy: WHAT THE HELL?! Where are you and why are you talking to me?

The Narrator (Off screen): I am The Narrator and I'm going to help you get a date.

The Average Guy: Against my will I suppose.

The Narrator (Off screen): Well I want to show that a guy like you can get a girl like (Show a picture of Lea Michele as The Narrator says her before The Average Guy pushes the picture off screen to the right.)

The Average Guy: Yeah right in my dreams maybe. Attractive people attract Attractive people while Average Guys like me get restraining orders, tazered and hit with mace and pepper spray.

The Narrator (Off screen): Well you can try. Let's start off with the way you approach your attire.

The Average Guy: What's wrong with how I dress?

The Narrator (Off screen): Nothing if you want to portray yourself as a bum!

The Average Guy: HEY!

The Narrator (Off screen): No offense but I took a look inside your closet and HO Boy are you in trouble but let's see if we can get you ready for a night out of speed dating.

The Average Guy: Speed dating? Just throw me into the deep end of the pool infested with sharks why don't ya?

The Narrator (Off screen): Just let's see what you would wear. (Cut to The Average Guy inside the closet)

The Average Guy: HOW THE HELL DID I GET HERE?!

The Narrator (Off screen): A Jump cut but enough of all that show me your finest suit. (The Average Guy dresses up into his finest suit.) Wow, you look too professional. Let's eighty six the tie. (Tie blinks off and The Average Guy jumps in surprise.)

The Average Guy: The tie held the suit together.

The Narrator (Off screen): We need you to look your best but not to look like your going to a job interview. (Cut to inside a hotel dining area that's hosting a Speed Dating event where The Average Guy is sitting at a table.) Now when being approached by someone on this event keep you eyes and your expectations open.

The Average Guy: Would you give me a moment's notice before you jump cut me into someplace I'm not ready for?!

The Narrator (Off screen): No! Now when speed dating there is an X amount of time to deal with a variable amount of women. (A female played by Marita Holm from ChiqueGeeks walks towards the table of The Average Guy.) It is important that you stand up and extend your hand to shake her hand and pull out the chair and introduce yourself with subtlety.

The female: My friends call me Mary.

The Average Guy: Well better having your friends call you Mary than...(Cut to The Average Guy slamming the door to his apartment as he comes back looking like Hell and looking up and around.) THANKS JACKASS! I really needed to get comments like "He'll never look like Leonardo DiCaprio not even with enough Plastic Surgery to make Michael Jackson look normal!" or "Not enough booze on the planet to even give him a chance!" And this one I love "DOUSE ME IN NAPALM!"

The Narrator (Off screen): Well let's see where you went wrong. (Rewinds footage to analyze what went wrong.)

The Narrator (Voice over): Let's start with the fact you started off with a VERY inappropriate joke. (Show clip of The Average guy making a bad joke.) That sent the vibe that you were thrown into a bad situation and everyone there made sure to treat you like you were less than how you wanted to be perceived.

The Average Guy (Voice over): Well excuse me for making a joke about myself besides you threw me into this situation.

The Narrator (Voice over): Well you should've asked what drink SHE would've liked instead of one you would've liked and paid.

The Average Guy (Voice over): I'm sorry Alcohol and I don't mix besides I paid for the drinks.

The Narrator (Voice over): Well that led to no one changing their vibes on you. Besides your eating manners weren't Emily Post!

The Average Guy (Voice over): Give me a break! (Cut to The Average Guy in his apartment.)

The Narrator (Off screen): No way besides we're going to try hitting the Bar scene.

The Average Guy: NO WAY! I'm going to stay right here and Stew over everything that went wrong...(Cut to The Average Guy taking a stool in the bar) And there is no way you can make me... (Looks around to see that he's at a bar.) OH SON OF A...

The Narrator (Off screen): The Bar scene should be at least for every one guy there should be at least four women so you're sure to at least have a 25 % of finding a date.

The Average Guy: But a 75% chance of failure.

The Narrator (Off screen): Well it doesn't hurt to try, so go to it. (The Average Guy puts his drink down and begins to speak before the scene cuts to The Average Guy slamming the door to his apartment as he comes back looking like Hell AGAIN and looking up and around.)

The Average Guy: I really hope your next place has good access to easy medical care because I learned my lesson if I have a 25% of finding a date, I have a 100% chance of getting my ass tazered, Maced & Pepper sprayed and threatened with either restraining orders or death! I'm going to check my e-mail and forget this whole thing ever happened. (The Average Guy takes off his now TWICE wrecked suit and gets back into his average clothes to check his e-mail)

The Narrator (Off screen): You can't give up!

The Average Guy: WATCH ME! Hmm, that's odd an E-Mail from a girl.

The Narrator (Off screen): Are you sure? You know the internet has a good policy on fake people.

The Average Guy: That's true but it's worth a shot.

The Narrator (Off screen): Well if you're going to try...(Singsong): and I think it's a mistake! (Normal): I suggest you set everything up.

The Average Guy: That's what I was going to do! In fact, I'm going to need some advice.

The Narrator (Off screen): Well, I'll call the cops while you make a homemade meal.

The Average Guy: You want me to bring my date here?

The Narrator (Off screen): Well (Cut to see a clean apartment) How about now?

The Average Guy: Nice. Okay let's get going. (Cut to a few hours later as there is a knock on the door.)

The Narrator (Off screen): Now when approaching the situation. You must remain calm and collected, remember she is in your territory, everything you do no matter how insignificant will ultimately reflect on...

The Average Guy: OKAY I GET IT! (The Average Guy opens the door to discover a good looking woman played by Rebecca Fonseca)

The Narrator (Off screen): HELLO! (The Narrator runs ON Screen)

The Narrator: Why should you stay here? I've got the ability to Jump cut us to Paris. What do you say? (The Good looking woman looks at her options and looks at The Narrator)

The Good Looking Woman: I say to you (Pointing to The Average Guy and The Average Guy points to himself with an inquisitive look on his face before cutting back to The Good Looking Woman) Au Revoir! And to you (Pointing The Narrator and The Narrator points to himself with an inquisitive look on his face before cutting back to The Good Looking Woman) You and me off to Gaye Paris, Allons-Y!

(The Narrator walks off screen and the two jump cut out. The Average Guy sighs and looks down and sighs and nods to himself as a woman says off-screen "Excuse me" before cutting to see the woman at the door played by Lea Michele at The Average Guy's apartment door.)

The Woman at the door: I overheard a lot of what was going on and I thought maybe if you had gone through so much maybe I could join you for your meal?

(The Average Guy look at himself as to say "Even I'm not that stupid to say no to a woman who is WILLING to at least talk to me.)

The Average Guy: Come on in.

The Narrator (Off Screen): Well sometimes it just comes down to plain old luck.

The Average Guy: SHUT UP! Next time I find you on screen, I'm kicking your ass!

The Woman at the door (Off screen): Who are you talking to?

The Average Guy: No one just myself.

The Woman at the door (Off screen): And you are?

The Average Guy: I'm The Average Guy and that's who I am.