(James fades to black as Scene cuts to James in the Kitchen and trying to turn
on the Keurig hot water device with a Hot Cocoa single serve packet in the
device and James looking disheveled and missing the button to turn on the
device missing as Paulo Fonseca walks in.)
Paulo: Hey James how are you doing today? Lea called she is
concerned about you and wants to know the plans you and her have on the
fourteenth? (James turns and growls like Wolverine and slams Paulo onto the
fridge and James has Paulo by the throat.)
TLOTA (Sounding like he’s foaming at the mouth): DON’T
MENTION THAT DAY! BESIDES I’VE SEEN THE WORST THING I’VE EVER HAD
TO SEE! IT WAS SO BAD THAT I HAVE YET TO SLEEP BECAUSE OF IT AND I’M ON THE
VERGE OF LOSING IT!
Paulo (Off-Screen): James? (James turns to see Paulo &
Rebecca looking in the doorway looking at James in the Kitchen.)
Rebecca: Are you okay? (Cut to James having his hands cupped
on the door of the refrigerator with his eyes shifting to the doorway and back
to in front of him three times.)
TLOTA: You wouldn’t happen to have a tranquilizer that could
take down thirty ton Rhino would ya?
(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the
statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the
Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season
of American Gladiators original run and the words Ben to the Ben to the Ben
AFFLECK is heard in the background. At the 0:04 mark from the theme from the
final season of American Gladiators Ben to the Ben is repeated while the image
shows Ben Affleck’s face on James Faraci’s body morphing into James Faraci The
Last Of The Americans with a Black Tee-Shirt with Ben Affleck’s face from
“Pearl Harbor” on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the
theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts
to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power
Rangers Morpher and Ben Affleck’s face in “Daredevil” is on the coin, a
bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers with Ben Affleck’s faces showing
Different emotions from different films, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and
said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand,
Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme
from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme
from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James taking on
all of popular culture until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of
American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver then cuts
over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans”
until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators
original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose on a
black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of
American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top
of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it.)
(Scene changes to James pacing back & forth in his
office and then looking at his audience and pressing a button showing quotes
from actual movie critics ranging from The Late Great Roger Ebert to Leonard
Martin and quotes from people who saw the movie about the
movie in question.)
TLOTA: DO I NEED TO SAY ANYTHING ELSE? But since you’re here
I guess I can try because to review something THIS horrendous but what can
be said. You cannot laugh at a bad joke so many times. You cannot say “That
stereotype is insulting” so many times before it loses meaning. So instead of looking at this as a
movie, I am instead going to look at this as a Cinematic Suicide Bomber!
Something that wants to, feels the need to and deserves to die and take
EEEEVERYBODY with it! That way when I find the people who green-lit, produced,
wrote & directed this pile of garbage I will feel NO remorse when I pummel
them to death with their own intestines! With that said, “Gigli” (Show title
scene of “Gigli” and few clips from the movie while James does a voice over.)
TLOTA (Voice over): And there is a reason why this is the
movie “Film Brain” has not & probably will never review this ungodly abomination because it is
unredeemable. How Affleck had a career after this? I’ll never know but after
watching this any career killed by being in a Shia LaBeouf film I’ll never
complain about again unless that is the career of the actor was really, really
so bad it had be killed by being in a movie starring Shia LaBeouf. (Cut to
James physically.)
TLOTA: But if you really…REALLY…REEAALLY WANT TO SEE ME
REVIEW THIS PILE OF TOXIC WASTE! THIS IS “GIGLI”! SHOOT ME NOW! (A pair of
hands holding a gun at James’ right side of the head when the image cut backs
to see Rebecca ready to put a bullet into James’ head) HEY Whoa Rebecca! What
the hell?
Rebecca: I’m here to put you down like Old Yeller!
TLOTA: Rebecca, I know I shouldn’t say this because this is
coming a few days after the anniversary of someone I could call an equal having
tried to eat a gun but it was a joke and seeing as how I just said that I am
now forced by Internet reviewer union mandate to use this! (Show clip of Mark
Hamill as The Joker as he shouts at Harley Quinn “IF YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN THE
JOKE THERE IS NO JOKE!” before cutting back to James & Rebecca) There, YOU
SEE WHAT YOU DID?!
Rebecca: Sorry but if you had the choice between reviewing
“Gigli” and being out of your misery which would you choose?
TLOTA: Good point but I still have to review it.
Rebecca: Okay (Rebecca walks off screen as the movie begins
and James does a voice over.)
TLOTA (Voice over): So our thing begins with our “hero”
Larry Gigli played by Affleck talking to the audience and right now I’m two
milliseconds into this movie and I hate this thing already. That HAS to be a
record! But I digress Larry is ordered by his boss to help a New York Gangster
played by PACINO?! ACADEMY AWARD WINNING ACTOR AL PACINO IS IN THIS
TURKEY?! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: Un-FUCKING-believable! That just blows my mind about
as much as someone trying to slice my head off while looking like one of the
members of the Teen Titans! Okay Rebecca if this becomes a running gag in this
review I swear to God… (Image cuts back to see Paulo Fonseca dressed as Robin
holding The Sword Of Caliverti over his head.) Paulo?
Paulo: Yeah
TLOTA: Why are you dressed as Robin and holding The Sword Of
Caliverti?
Paulo: Well, uh you see um… Look over there Lea Michele left
her Valentine’s Day present to you in the corner.
TLOTA: Huh? (James turns to the corner as Paulo runs for his
life as scene cuts to the movie while James does a voice over.)
TLOTA (Voice over): So yeah after knowing that Pacino being
in “Jack & Jill” is actually a step up after knowing he’s in this vat of
Toxic Waste. Gigli’s boss orders him to get a brother to a federal prosecutor
as when he gets there it’s discovered…Oh God No! (Show The Federal Prosecutor’s
brother who happens to be mentally handicapped before cutting back to James
taking off his glasses, moving the office chair out of frame and proceeds to
bang his head on the wall behind him for fifteen seconds before returning to
the movie and James doing the voice over.)
TLOTA (Voice over): So yeah not content with insulting the
regular human race this movie dares to insult the mentally handicapped. DIE MOVIE
SCUM DIE! But thankfully the Prosecutor’s brother doesn’t like Gigli as far as
he can throw him and Affleck's boss has no faith in him! I WONDER WHY?! So what does Affleck’s boss do he hires help
in the form of Ricki played by Jennifer Lopez to help do whatever it takes to
help Gigli. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: So what is the chance of the two hooking up by the
end of this? (Show pic of the two as the word “Lesbian” is under Jennifer Lopez
and “Assface” is under Ben Affleck’s face before cutting back to James and his shaking head going slightly up and down.) OKAY,
I’m just going to get something! (James walks off and comes back two seconds
later with a bottle of Tequila and Coca-Cola.) I don’t normally drink anything
this hard but after hearing what their characters were I’ve got no other choice.
DOWN THE HATCH BOTH GO! VIVA TEQUILA Y COKA! (James then proceeds to down both
drinks before getting back to the movie with James doing a voice over)
TLOTA (Voice Over): So yeah they get the poor guy and hit
the road and at one stop we meet a detective played by Christopher Walken. (Cut
to James physically)
TLOTA: Well that’s awesome all they have to do to save this
movie is to scrap the other characters and plots and focus on him especially
after this scene. (Cut to “PIE” scene before cutting back to James physically.)
Oh just the idea of Walken being Walken for two hours would be more
entertaining. (Cut back to the movie with James doing a voice over.)
TLOTA (Voice over): However we don’t get that. We’re stuck
with… (“Bull & Cow Scene” is seen)
Gigli: Lemme tell you something, in every relationship,
there's a bull and a cow. It just so happens that in this relationship, right
here with me and you, I'm the bull, you're the cow. Alright?
Gigli: [Points to self] Bull. [Points to Ricki] Cow. You got
that?
Ricki: Yeah, I got it. Bull, cow. (Cut to James
sarcastically laughing until it looks like he is losing his mind and walks out
of the office. Cut to Black background and in white text is written FIVE HOURS
LATER then cut to James walking into the office covered in blood and emptying a
satchel filled with weapons and laughing less strongly as he empties the
satchel before regaining some semblance of sanity seeing Paulo & Rebecca on
the couch looking at him with a disturbed look on his face.)
TLOTA: Hey guys what’s with the disturbed look on your faces?
Am I covered in blood…AGAIN? (Cut to Paulo & Rebecca nodding yes before
cutting back to James) How bad? (Cut to television screen with Carey Denise
Moore portraying a news reporter.)
News Reporter: And in some bizarre news Internet entertainer
James Faraci who also goes by the alias “The Last Of The Americans” is wanted
for questioning in the murders of a group of men who think Domestic Abuse and
Rape are actually a good thing. Here now is the footage! (Cut to backroom
filled with idiots being played by Mark Salling, Darren Criss, Chord
Overstreet, Jonathan Groff & Matthew Morrison)
Idiot (Darren): So my girl overcooks my steak and I gave her
a love tap. Sure it left a little bruise but nothing to notice and I hear the
police at my door saying I beat her.
Idiot (Mark): Hey you did NOTHING wrong. Your woman got out
of line and you corrected the bitch.
Idiot (Chord): Exactly the problem I had except she said I
“Raped” her. She wanted it.
Idiot (Groff): Which is why we should go to Washington and I
say we get these laws about “RESPECTING WOMEN” repealed so we get what we want.
Idiot (Matthew): Because women are what?
All idiots together: Worthless
Idiot (Matthew): So how do we handle them?
All idiots together: CORRECT THE BITCHES! (Door busts open
and James is laughing insanely before cutting to James, Paulo & Rebecca
reacting to the painful screams and cries for mercy as the idiots are
mercilessly killed the idiot played by Matthew Morrison is screaming “ARGH! I’m
going in ass first into a meat grinder!” and the idiot played by Chord
Overstreet screams “Don’t drop my beautiful and valuable face into the deep
fryer!” before a muted scream of pain is heard as James continues to laugh
insanely.)
TLOTA: I may have to plead insanity to get out of this one.
(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of
American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top
of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the
commercial break intro)
(Scene starts with James in his bedroom)
James Faraci: Hey guys James here, I just wanted to say that
whole me killing the Rapist and Domestically Abusive men group thing was just
fictional. I believe in our judicial system and they will do what is right and there
are charities that help those who have been violated by those assholes and you
can help. Log on to Patreon and go here: www.patreon.com/RowdyCProductions and a portion of your funds will go to help
the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network which you can go to here: www.rainn.org/support-rainn to help out the organization outright and one charity
that helps Rape & Domestic Violence victims is the Joyful Heart Foundation
and you can support The Joyful Heart Foundation by going here: http://joyfulheartfoundation.org/ and donate anything you can to help there so
again none of what happened was real, it was pure fiction and if I were to do
something that bad in real life, I’d be arrested for multiple murder and here’s
hoping you enjoy the rest of the review.
(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of
American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top
of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the return
from commercial break as James is on the phone with his lawyer.)
TLOTA: Okay, okay so I do 500 hours community service and
pay a fine and plead guilty to a lesser charge and in one year it’ll be
expunged from my record. Excellent. (James shuts off his phone and looks at his
audience) So I may have gotten away with something no one should do and I am
lucky. But I watched Gigli and somehow that was a credible defense for
temporary insanity. Who knew? (Cut to the movie as James does a voice over)
TLOTA (Voice over): So after that this study on the waste of
having hope in humanity continues as Ricki’s partner decided she’s rather
better off being dead than being in this thing and slits her wrists. At the
hospital Gigli decides to take a thumb off a corpse. Why? Does anyone sane or
sober give a damn at this point? I just want this thing over with! So Pacino
comes in and is pissed because he didn’t approve of any of this crap, something
I can relate to and Ricki just tries to gives him hell and They drop off the
poor schmuck to where “Baywatch” is because he’s freaking obsessed with
Baywatch and Gigli decides to give his car to Ricki as the guy eventually is
returned to the nut house so he doesn’t hurt anyone and oh just end already.
(Show ending scene before using that same type of text used in the ending of
“Mallrats” and music “Suzanne” from Weezer playing in the background as images
of everyone is seen to show what was going to happen to everyone with “Affleck
& Lopez worked on “Jersey Girl” and most of their stuff together ended on
the cutting room floor.” “Ben Affleck thanks his lucky stars for having a
career after this.” “Paulo & Rebecca was able to help James throughout his
500 hours community service”, “Film Brain eventually reviewed this movie as a
crossover with “The Blockbuster Buster” both have been committed and will
hopefully return to normal civilization soon.” “James used “Gigli” as a weapon to
be used to torment Kim-Jong Un to the point he committed Ja Sai.” Then clips
from “Gigli” play as the following sentences are seen underneath “And for good
reason. Everything about “Gigli” is wrong and given that James has seen some BAD
movies and reviewed some of them so far at least he saw something redemptive in
them any little element.” “This has nothing redeeming about it. NOTHING AT ALL!
The cast, writing, editing, production, music & direction everything is non
redemptive!”” “May “Gigli” BARK IN HELL!” before cutting back to James
physically)
TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and there’s
one more movie to go! Heaven help me if it’s worse than Gigli!
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