James Faraci The Last Of The Americans

Monday, April 28, 2014

A whole lot of rotten "Fish"

(Scene of a man seen from the backside walking into a hotel as the angle changes to a first person perspective the concierge walks into frame)

Concierge: Welcome and Ah! It is you, unfortunately your room is not ready yet. However an associate of yours has allowed themselves open to give you access to their quarters until your room is ready Mr…? (Camera swoops to see the man is in fact Mathew “Film Brain” Buck)

Film Brain: Buck, Mathew Buck and whom will I be spending my day with?

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James taking on all of popular culture until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it.)

(Scene changes to the room as Matthew opens the door)

Film Brain: OH GOD NO! NOT YOU! (Scene cuts to James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans on the bed.)

TLOTA: You were expecting The Nostalgia Critic? (Mathew Buck walks towards James and sits next to him on the bed.)

Film Brain: No but I am wondering why you’re here since the last time you & I were in the same room Lea Michele threatened to tie my privates into a square knot.

TLOTA: Two reasons 1) there’s a concert with Lea and I am a guest and 2) tomorrow there’s a panel I am a part of at the convention but in the interim I can work on a review of a movie I talked about from my first run on myspace. Oddly something from your side of the pond.

Film Brain: My side of the pond? Well, how come I’ve never heard of it?

TLOTA: Well that’s because it’s by far the WORST movie I’ve ever seen!

Film Brain: That bad?

TLOTA: That bad! But before you & I talk about it. We watch it. (Scene cuts to James and Mathew looking at the screen then cuts to black background and in white text “One viewing later” then back to Mathew with his jaw scrapping the floor and James lying down.)

Film Brain: My god! This makes every single Adam Sandler “Happy Madison” movie look like freaking “Casablanca”. How could something this horrid miss my radar completely? This was from my side of the pond and I didn’t know this?! I think I’m done! Just….Just….Just stick a fork into me, I’m done!

Lea Michele (Audio only): You got that right! (Mathew Buck turns and looks sees James catatonic and then Mathew turns and camera cuts to Lea Michele has a weapon in her hand.)

Lea Michele: I warned you. Ever hurt him, you pay. Now, get ready to die! (Camera cuts to Mathew with an “OH SHIT!” look on his face as the two run with “Yakety Sax” playing in the background for about One minute and fifty seven seconds before Mathew stops and turns to Lea.)

Film Brain: HALT! It looks like I did wrong to him but I didn’t. He was working on a review of a movie from my side of the pond he had heard, it was so horrendous however it left him in a catatonic state, thankfully I can revive him if he packed a bottle of Liquid I.Q. in his overnight. (Mathew grabs James’ overnight package and the two discover what’s in there. A fish tail made by Eric Ducharme.) I don’t think this is James’ overnight.

Trina Mason (Audio only): Thanks for the news report. (Lea & Mathew turn and see internet persona Trina Mason and she walks up to the two.)

Trina Mason: Sorry, allow me to introduce myself, Trina Mason and I know who you are I’ve seen “GLEE” and who’s the guy holding my tail. (Cut to Mathew holding then tossing Trina’s tail onto the bed.)

Film Brain: The name is Buck, Mathew Buck and… (Mathew notices an empty bottle of Liquid IQ in Trina Mason’s right hand) Tell me you didn’t drink the whole thing?

Trina Mason: It tasted funny, but when I read this. (Shows the two of them a theorem on the logistics of time travel.) I could understand it as if it were as simple to read as “Dr. Seuss’ The Cat In The Hat." Is that weird?

Lea Michele: Not really. (Grabs Mathew by the neck of his shirt and turns him around.) Listen you brit twit you find a way to get James back to normal with an hour to spare so he can see me backstage.

Film Brain: What do you want me to do?

Lea Michele: Whatever you have to and if he isn’t there, run because if I get you, I will have your head and your privates on my mantelpiece! (The two turn around) Look that belonged to my boyfriend and…

Trina Mason: I overheard and the chemical composition for the formula of Liquid IQ is easy to replicate so he should be back to normal before eight o’clock.

Lea Michele: Great. I’ll let you two get to work on getting James back to normal and if James isn’t back to normal. You have my permission to leave Mathew in my room and I’ll do the rest. (Lea walks out as Trina grabs Mathew by the shirt and scene cuts to James laying there catatonic)

TLOTA (Inner Monologue): My god, this was the movie is the one that broke me. How can I review this? It is one of the worst movies ever made! Worse than a “Happy Madison” movie! Worse than “The Room”, “Food fight” & every single little Uwe Boll movie ever made! Alki David’s “Fish Tales” (“Ocean Lies” play over the title of the movie and screen clips while James’s inner monologue continues as a voice over) Just….just how can a movie be this bad? How can everything about this thing hurt so bad it’d leave me catatonic? How bad did this hurt? Well this thing debuted at the Cannes Film Festival, not in competition so we’re clear, and fifteen minutes in critics were leaving this crappy can of tuna en masse those who stayed throughout the viewing are now permanent residents at France’s finest “Maison de Cuckoo”. (Cut back to James laying there doing the inner monologue) But since I’m here and you’re hearing my inner thoughts about this train wreck let’s get through it! (Scene cuts to the movie and James’ inner monologue doing the voice over) So after the credits do nothing to set up the movie as a whole, this rotten fish starts off at Oxford University where we meet a Classicist, Professor Thomas Bradley played by “Back To The Future” trilogy “The Phantom” & “Titanic” star Billy Zane and his daughter Serena played by Amber Savva. Professor Bradley is working on researching ancient Greek love spells. The deans of the school Professors Ratcher, Whiner & Coulter have decided to give Professor Bradley the summer to finish his work. Professor Coulter giving Professor Bradley & Serena his place on the Island of Spetses. Just before they head out Professor Bradley’s students try to throw him off a bridge. However Serena stops them by shouting this.

Serena: HE CAN’T SWIM! (Scene cuts back to James laying there catatonic)

TLOTA (Inner Monologue): I know child actors aren’t all Shirley Temple or anyone that successful but choose an accent and stick with it kid! (Scene cuts back to the movie)

TLOTA (Inner Monologue voice over): After that we see the two get to Spetses on the boat to the Island we meet Mavros who is obviously the villain and dumb as all get out and a bit of a perv & his son Dimitri and… (Show Professor Bradley preparing to toss his cookies then quickly cuts to the mermaid from apparently later on in the film then cuts to James laying catatonic on the bed)

TLOTA (Inner Monologue): Was the editor drunk when he edited this clunker? Why show a clip from later on in the film early in the film. It didn’t work for “Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows” and it doesn’t work here. (Scene cuts back to the movie)

Mavros: If you’re sick on my fish one more time, I kick your ass, okay? (Cut to James laying catatonic on the bed)

TLOTA (Inner Monologue): Wha? (Show clip of Mavros threatening to kick Dr. Bradley’s ass then back to James laying catatonic on the bed.) Did he say “ass” as in the rear end? If so then, I know what to do. (Show clip of Mavros threatening to kick Professor Bradley’s ass after threat film pauses and “A Family Picture” is seen while Doug Walker says it in an accent then back to the film as Mavros tosses Professor Bradley overboard while James’ inner monologue continues voice over.) So Mavros decides to toss Professor Bradley overboard and… (Show clip of the three left on the boat arguing, Serena’s bracelet falling off her wrist and the mermaid looking bored and obviously from later in the film while James’ inner monologue continues voice over.) AGAIN?! Jesus Did Alki David and the editor down barrels & barrels of Ouzo while editing this? Anyway the mermaid rescues Professor Bradley and everyone makes it to Spetses. There they meet Klymeni who take Professor Bradley & Serena to Professor Coulter’s summer home and (Show the three heading to the house and a sound of a fart and Klymeni saying it wasn’t her then the three reaching the house and another fart is heard and Klymeni admits it’s her. Cut to James laying catatonic on the bed)

TLOTA (Inner Monologue): I know The Blockbuster Buster decided not to use this anymore so I call dibs on it. (Show clip from Christopher Eccleston episode of “Doctor Who” in which someone farts and The Ninth doctor says “Excuse Me do you mind not farting while I’m saving the world?” then cut back to the movie and James’ inner monologue doing the voice over) So the three make it where it hasn’t been touched in decades and Klymeni nearly poisons the two by serving the two of them food that is about as old as Klymeni and… (Mule whinnying, a heavy thud and frothing noises are heard. Cut to James laying catatonic on the bed)

TLOTA (Inner Monologue): That’s right, you heard it. A mule dropped dead after eating the rancid food. Perfect family fare isn’t it! (Cut back to film and James’ inner monologue does the voice over) So as Serena cleans up the place after decades of dust. She finds a book which will act as the Deus Ex Machina for later. But enough setting up the weak ending for this piece of garbage. We see Serena explore the island and her dad making no headway on his research oh and by the way it’ll be like this until the end of this movie when he finally does that or anything in this piece of shit sushi at all! But while all that happens Klymeni comes off creepy yet friendly as she warns Serena about a cove where Professor Coulter’s Daughter disappeared years ago. Meanwhile Dimitri decides to crush on Serena even though she’s fourteen and he’s seven and the fact the two have known each other for at least one day!

Dimitri: You are very nice woman!

Serena: Um, I’m not a woman and how old are you to be talking like that?

Dimitri: I’m old enough! Do you want to see the view from the lighthouse?

Serena: No!

Dimitri: Want to take a boat out?

Serena: Uh no!

Dimitri: Come over and watch The O.C.?

Serena: Uh No! I’ll see you later!

TLOTA (Inner Monologue voice over): Well, I will give Dimitri points for persistency but those points are taken away for the obscure pop culture reference. Meanwhile Dr. Bradley and Serena have a conversation from out of left field about meeting Gods.

Professor Bradley: Well the best time for a human to meet a god or goddess would be at noon. That’s when the sun is at its highest and there are no shadows, everything is shimmering, that’s when the divisions between man & beast break down but I don’t recommend it.

Serena: Why not?

Professor Bradley: You could be blinded or worse turned into a tree either way, an epiphany where you encounter a goddess or a god is pretty dangerous business.

Serena: What if you were to bring them an offering?

Professor Bradley: Well, I don’t think I recall encountering one literary reference where a goddess has ever turned down presents. They do like presents.

TLOTA (Inner Monologue voice over): After that waste of time you’ll never get back, Serena goes into town to obtain a medallion for her wish to the gods & goddesses when....

(Show a Greek woman appearing out of nowhere)

Greek woman who sounds like a man: You’re the American staying at Old Professor Coulter’s house, yes? (Cut to James laying catatonic on the bed and James’ eyes bugging out of his head then back to Greek woman who sounds like a man.) Want me to wrap it for a present?

TLOTA (Inner Monologue voice over): HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK! WHAT IN THE NAME OF JESUS, MARY, JOSPEH AND HIS TECHNO-FUCKING-COLOR DREAMCOAT IS THAT? DOES EVERY GREEK WOMAN SOUND LIKE THIS? NO WONDER WHEN YOU SEE AN AD FOR A GREEK VACATION YOU DON’T SEE A WOMAN IN THE AD! (Cut to Greek Background and Trina Mason dressed in Greek clothing in front of her and Greek music in the background.)

Trina Mason (With obvious dubbing by James doing a bad Greek Accent): Come to Spetses you have a great time. The Ouzo flows like water. We disco dance until the dawn or host catches fire! (Show clip from “Fish Tales” in which a bride is ignited by a misfiring firework and she falls into the water then back to Trina Mason being dubbed by James doing a bad Greek Accent) We have fun for kids as they ride boats and look for exotic sea creatures like a Gorgona! Call agent to make a two week vacation to Spetses! OPA! (Trina Mason does Greek dancing for thirty seconds then cut back to movie with James’ inner monologue doing the voice over)

TLOTA (Inner Monologue voice over): So after your sense of sanity becomes slightly lessened after that! Klymeni talks to Professor Bradley and boy does the conversation start off unholy!

Klymeni: Your daughter is very loose! (Cut to James laying catatonic on the bed)

TLOTA (Inner Monologue): Geez, lady I know you’re as ancient as the Professor’s research material but to say his daughter is easy to the guy’s face is disrespectful. (Cut back to movie.)

Klymeni: She runs around a lot by herself. (Cut to James laying catatonic on the bed)

TLOTA (Inner Monologue): Klymeni, you need to learn how to speak better English. If you tell a dad their daughter is “Loose” in a father's mind that translates as “Get daughter away from world & declare open hunting season on guys their daughter’s age!” If you meant to say she roams the Island alone then say that first before giving the guy a heart attack. (Cut back to movie with James’ inner monologue doing the voice over.)

TLOTA (Inner Monologue voice over): So Klymeni invites Professor Bradley and his daughter to a wedding that happens a few days. The party is goes off fine that is until…

Dimitri: Hello baby, I am Dimitri.

Serena: I know, I was speaking to your father.

Professor Bradley: Hello

Dimitri: May I dance with your daughter.

Serena: Hey, you could ask me of course.

Professor Bradley: Of course you can!

Serena: Well thanks a lot dad!

Dimitri: Let’s get it Jiggy!

TLOTA (Inner Monologue voice over): Come on, even my twin nieces and their little sister knows the phrase is “Gettin’ Jiggy wit’ it!” and they also know it’s lame and DATED! But I can’t complain the party ends with the bride being ignited so it’s nice to know someone else is in more pain than I am. (Show clip in which the bride is ignited by a misfiring firework and she falls into the water then back to rest of the movie with James’ inner monologue doing the voice over.)

TLOTA (Inner Monologue voice over): The next day Professor Bradley and Serena have a brief conversation about how Professor Bradley maybe in over his head and after that Serena heads down to a cove and discovers Nereid played by Kelly Brook and Professor Bradley is going NOWHERE with his research as Serena and Nereid have a conversation the film makers decided “Hey, who need to hear important dialogue, it’s stupid, let’s have the little girl narrate the conversation. That’s much smarter!” (Cut to James laying catatonic on the bed)

TLOTA (Inner Monologue): What else can happen? (Cut to Mathew Buck holding a clothespin and a funnel & Trina Mason holding a vial as the two walk into the room.)

Film Brain: This HAS to work otherwise, I’m history!

Trina Mason: It will! Just place the clothespin over his nose and put the funnel in his mouth and pour the Liquid IQ in slowly. (Film Brain places clothespin over James’ nose and funnel in the mouth and slowly pours the Liquid IQ down James throat and camera pans over to James’ eyes as they widen and bug out of his head!)

TLOTA (Inner Monologue): OH MY GOD, THEY HOMEBREWED IT & THEY DIDN'T TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION THAT THE FORMULA IS CONCENTRATED! (Scene changes to the door to the pool and a loud scream is heard as James runs out the door with his hands around his throat and James dives into the pool then cuts to Trina Mason and Film Brain running after him and Trina dives in after James and grabs him and Film Brain pulls out James who is still catatonic.)

Film Brain: FUCK ME! He’s still out!

Trina Mason: I think that was a reflex action, it might take a while before it really gets his brain working!

Film Brain (Sarcastically): FANTASTIC!

(Show Trina Mason on the bed next to James while Mathew walks back and forth with a pad of paper in one hand and a pen in his writing hand and talking out loud.)

Film Brain: “I Mathew Buck being of sound mind and soon to be slaughtered body do hear by proclaim this as my last will & testament. I bequeath my all my personal financials and belongings to my parents and should you decide to sell any of my belongings I request that a portion of the sales go to a Suicide prevention charity and The Joyful Heart Foundation.” (Trina gets up and confronts Mathew)

Trina Mason: Listen, you’re not dead yet.

Film Brain: No, But I will be around eleven o’clock tonight after Lea’s concert and I will be because James wanted to do a review with me.

Trina Mason: Yeah, I’ve been wondering what you and James do?

Film Brain: Oh nothing too sane. We’re internet reviewers. I host two series on the site thatguywiththeglasses.com called “Bad Movie Beatdown” & “Projector” and from the site rowdyc.com I give you James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans.

Trina Mason: “The Last Of The Americans”? (Mathew nods yes) Excuse me for one moment. (Trina walks to the bathroom and begins to laugh uncontrollably for a while and Mathew sighs an Oy!)

Film Brain: I’m history. (Mathew sits next to James) You know…. (Mathew looks at James as he sees James’ face moving.) HEY TRINA IT'S WORKING! (Trina Mason walks out of the bathroom still a little giddy with laughter and sees James face moving.)

Trina Mason: Well, it appears to be that way.

Film Brain: Well we’ve got three hours I hope he’s ready by seven for the concert and if not I’m doomed!

TLOTA (Inner Monologue): So while these two are stuck until either I wake up or Lea kills Mathew after the concert. (Cut to movie and James’ Inner Monologue does the voice over.) Professor Bradley does what anyone still sane & forced to watch this thing. He gets himself liquored up!

Professor Bradley (Drunk): May I have the Dean’s office please?

Dean Ratcher: Ratcher

Professor Bradley (Drunk): Ratcher, Ratcher this is Bindey er Bradley, Thomas I’m a Doctor I work for you!

Dean Ratcher: Really!

TLOTA (Inner Monologue voice over): Interesting fact Billy Zane was really that drunk when they filmed these scenes.

Professor Bradley (Drunk): Listen, It’s impossible! (Incoherent drunk mumbling) I’m not equipped, sir! This is not going to work unless there’s…I get an extension.

Dean Ratcher: No!

Professor Bradley (Drunk): Well you offer ‘em to all your top students. Why because they’re paying tuition?

Dean Ratcher: At least they are paying!

Professor Bradley (Drunk): All right so I’ll tell you what. Let me make it really easy for you okay? I am… I quit! Okay I resign!

Dean Ratcher: You resign? Well, I’m sure the board will take your very serious offer into consideration.

Professor Bradley (Drunk): Ooh! Big words for a little man in a great big town with a comb over! (Cut to Dean Ratcher in his office.)

Dean Ratcher (Dubbed inner monologue by James): At least he didn’t call me “Sugar tits” like the guy who usually sits on the right of me and the only time he doesn’t drink is when he sleeps and that’s for an hour!

(Scene changes where Serena is playing “Ocean Lies” on her MP3 Player then to James’ reacting face and his body laying still)

TLOTA (Inner Monologue): What just happened? (Cut to scene where Serena is playing “Ocean Lies” on her MP3 Player then to James’ reacting face and his body laying still)

TLOTA (Inner Monologue): That…makes…no…sense… AT ALL! (Cut to scene where Serena is playing “Ocean Lies” on her MP3 Player while James’ inner monologue does a voiceover.) Why would the soundtrack to the movie you’re in play the soundtrack to the movie you’re in on an MP3 Player? It makes about as much sense as the marching bands that play “Gonna Fly Now” in Rocky III & Rocky V! IT MAKES NO SENSE! But I digress, Serena now asks Nereid to save her father’s research during that conversation Dimitri discovers her as well and tells his father while he’s chubby chasing. (Cut to James’ reacting face and his body laying still.) Yeah I’m going to be using this gag a lot! (Show clip of Mavros looking at big women then pauses as we see Mavros smiling. Scene pauses as “A Family Picture” is seen while Doug Walker says it in an accent. Then cut back to movie with James’ Inner Monologue doing the voiceover.) So Dimitri is told by Mavros to go to Professor Bradley’s place to see what research he know of the mermaid but when he goes there. (Show clip of Billy Zane in his pajamas and his ass in the air! Then cut to James’ reacting face and his body laying still.) Yeah I think I’m the only one who thinks this guy went from Prison Bitch to Professor! (Cut back to movie with James’ Inner Monologue doing the voiceover.) That night after spending a day with them Dimitri learns Professor Bradley knows about the mermaid and the love spells as much as the writers know how to make a good screenplay. After a poop joke even Adam Sandler wouldn’t use in his “Happy Madison” movies and some sub-par Pink Panther esque humor Mavros takes Dimitri home. Meanwhile Professor Bradley decides to find the cove Serena found Nereid and he finds Nereid and gets fish slapped. (Cut to James’ reacting face and his body laying still.) I can’t believe I said that, but I did. (Cut back to movie with James’ Inner Monologue doing the voiceover.) Meanwhile Serena and Professor Bradley do something interesting actually something interesting! He tries to learn how to swim, which gives him a leg up on how Michael Bay shows the Navy in “Pearl Harbor”. (Show clip of Professor Bradley singing “The Tide Is High” while floating and Serena asking Nereid for help again while Atomic Kitten’s version of “The Tide Is High” plays. Cut to James’ reacting face and his body laying still.) Wait, I’ve heard the version of “The Tide is High” before, Where? (Show picture of poster of “The Lizzie McGuire Movie” with dramatic musical sting then cut to James’ reacting face and his body laying still.) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Cut back to movie with James’ Inner Monologue doing the voiceover.) So while that thought sinks in. Nereid gains legs at night because of lazy writing and decides to visit Professor Bradley while he’s pant less. She thinks his short comings are a joke to her and he handles it delicately.

Professor Bradley: YOU! BITCH! (Cut to James’ reacting face and his body laying still then replay the moment again then cut to James’ reacting face and his body laying still.)

TLOTA (Inner Monologue): Oh yeah, threatening to kick someone’s ass, animals being killed for comedy, a poop joke and now sexual innuendos TOTALLY PERFECT FAMILY FARE, RIGHT?! (Cut back to movie with James’ Inner Monologue doing the voiceover.) So sometime later Nereid invites Serena to her cave. Why? So Serena can beg Nereid’s help again in the research and to even further set up the weak ending she eventually decides that night to go back for a night on the town with Professor Bradley & Serena so that the lamest hijinks in this movie can occur including Mavros trying to disguise himself as a waiter only to be his pervy self and cause the bride who ignited earlier in the film to be relit because we can’t get enough of cheap & bad gags that weren’t funny before and see them again & again ARGH! (Cut to James’ reacting face and his body laying still then replay the moment again then cut to James’ reacting face and his body laying still.) HOW MUCH LONGER IS THIS THING?! (Show picture of DVD cover and a doorbell is heard and the words “45 Minutes” Cut to James’ reacting face and his body laying still on the bed.)FINE, LETS SEE IF I CAN GET THROUGH THIS QUICKLY! (Cut back to movie with James’ Inner Monologue doing the voiceover.) Serena convinces the board of Deans at Oxford to give her dad a final chance despite Dean Ratcher’s objections. Professor Bradley and Nereid read one of the pieces of poetry and the two fall in love at warp speed. Mavros goes fucking Bat Shit Crazy. Professor Bradley finally discover the formulas of the Love spells thanks to simply rereading the phrase on the front of the book and it hitting him like lightning that with the work and the proper noun, verb & adjective syntax and the right person that love can happen OH DEEP FUCKING JOY. Mavros finds the cave Nereid is staying at. Nereid decides be with Professor Bradley and to use the tonic to become human. Professor Bradley finally learns how to swim then Professor Bradley, Nereid, Serena & Dimitri defeat Mavros. Professor Bradley is hailed as the next great Philosopher, takes a dive off a bridge (Show clip of Professor Bradley jumping off the bridge while audio of Matt Smith from his tenure as “Doctor Who” shouting “GERONIMO!” then a splash is heard then cut back to movie and James’ inner monologue doing the voice over.) And at the end Serena narrates that the three of them have gone back to Spetses every year to remind themselves about how great things have been for them and while the credits roll we get a double whammy of horrendousness as we see a blooper reel worse than “The Master Of Disguise” and a song that has been played to death in this movie called “Ocean Lies” plays over & over again during the end credits and it just keeps going & going & going & going & going and just GAH!(Cut to James screaming at the top of his lungs, getting out of the bed and moving at fast speed while Mathew & Trina watch.)

Trina Mason: What just happened?

Film Brain: Judging by the way James acted and with an hour and a half to spare to the concert, I have to say I’ve been spared! (Cut to picture of FilmOn headquarters and little blip of James screaming & moving at fast speed in and out then FilmOn headquarters being blown off the map then cut back to Trina and Mathew Buck and James running back to the room.)

TLOTA: THIS MOVIE IS SATANIC! (Cut to clips of “Fish Tales” while James does a voice over.) I’M DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT THIS ONE FOLKS! THIS MOVIE STARTED AT THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL AND THEN DUG ITSELF SO FAR DOWN, IT WAS ABLE TO EAT MOO-GOO-GAI-PAN IN CHINA! THE ACTING IS HORRID, THE STORY MOVES AT A SLUGS PACE AND THE MOVIE IS ONLY AN HOUR AND A HALF LONG BY THE WAY! THE PLOTHOLES ARE SO BIG YOU COULD FIT A CONVOY OF BIG RIGS IN THEM, THE EDITING IS COCK, & GET READY FOR WHAT I’M ABOUT TO SAY, BECAUSE THIS WILL MAKE YOU THINK I HAVE GONE FUCKING BAT SHIT CRAZY BUT IT’S WORTH A WATCH! I am dead serious, this thing is up there with the likes of “Food fight!”,”Birdemic”& “The Room” it so bad it has to be seen to be believed! (Cut to James, Mathew & Trina in the Hotel room and James’ sighs) Well Mathew, thanks for being a part of this and… (James turns to his left) Oh hey, you’re Trina Mason.

Trina Mason: Yeah and I was wondering what happened?

TLOTA: Well, this was all part of the review I did for the movie me & Mathew saw and…

Trina Mason: Wait all of this was the review?

TLOTA: Well you see it’s like…(Trina slaps James)

Trina Mason: How dare you misuse a mermaid’s assistance! (Trina backhand slaps James) I’ll teach you a thing or fifty five! (Trina slaps him with five forehand and backhand slaps) You jerk! (Trina bonks James on the forehead and James puts his arms up in a defensive position.) Don’t you dare try to hit me! (Trina smacks James on the forearms.) Trying to take advantage of…(Trina continues to scream in anger at James while Mathew grabs James’ Overnight bag and leaves it in the doorway then gets on his cell phone to Lea Michele.)

Film Brain: Hello Lea, he’s fine and He’ll be there in a half hour. I know I’m a lucky bastard! Well, time for me to get the hell out of here! I’m Mathew Buck beating down bad movies everywhere! (Mathew runs like hell scene cuts to Trina Mason continuing to smack James around.)

Trina Mason: You, you horrible creature, you HUMAN! (Trina Mason hits James with a right cross that knocks James out of the room.)

TLOTA: Well, looks like I’ve got to get going! I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and That’s my opinion! (James falls down face first.)

(End credits of “Bad Movie Beatdown” roll as intro song “Ready To Roll” by Jet Black Stare play and following is credited Original “Bad Movie Beatdown” series concept by Mathew Buck, Christopher Barnard & Lewis Rogers, Presented, Written & Directed by Mathew Buck & James Faraci, Shot by Christopher Barnard & James Faraci, Edited by Mathew Buck & James Faraci, Producers: Mathew Buck, James Faraci, Chris Lee Moore, Christopher Barnard. Special Thanks to Lea Michele, Trina Mason, Chris Lee Moore, ‘That Sci-Fi Guy’, Chris Ferrariolo, ‘Overactor’, Nash Bozard & James Faraci. This contains footage from “Fishtales” which is available from all good video stores. This work is protected by Fair Use. If you feel that we have used your material unfairly please contact us. Contact us at the Bad Movie Beatdown at badmoviegang@googlemail.com. Follow us on Twitter! @FB_BMB, @lordhebe, @TLOTA, @RowdyCReviewer, @msleamichele & @TrinaMason Executive Producers Mike Michaud, Robert & Darlene Moore with the following sites credited underneath all the credits are as followed rowdyc.com, thatguywiththeglasses.com & http://jamesfaracitlota.blogspot.com then cuts to “Channel Awesome” Mark II ending credit. Then cuts to James walking down the hallway of the hotel later on that night to Lea’s room and a key to the room in his right hand and in his left is his overnight and on the door is a stick it note reading “I’m in the tub.” And cuts to James looking in the bathroom with a wide eye look and a smile on his face as camera pans back to see Lea in a mermaid’s tail in the bathtub filled with water.)

Lea Michele: Do you like it James?

TLOTA: Yes, I like it.

Lea Michele: Trina invited me to the con she was invited to today after practice. Tonight, my present to you is me and I’m ready.

TLOTA: Okay. (Scene cuts to the hallway where orgasmic screaming is heard which cut to Dolphin Squeals when it cuts to Chris Lee Moore alias “The Rowdy Reviewer” hears it.)

Rowdy: Great, the first convention I’m invited to be a part of a panel and my buddy is getting lucky!

Dianna Agron (Audio only): No he won’t! (Bathroom door opens as Dianna Agron dressed in dignified Dominatrix clothing and a bull whip steps out the door.)

Rowdy: Dianna Agron?! Uh last time you & I were in the same room, you threatened to have my head and my privates on your mantelpiece if we were in the same room again.

Dianna Agron: Well Chris, I figured after I relaxed I saw before you got plastered you were a nice guy and you need someone…(Whispers into Rowdy’s ear naughty, Then camera cuts to outside of the door as yelps of pain are heard and intercut with orgasmic noises. Cut to Lea having felt as if her world had been rocked and James is on the floor with a smile on his face, his pants down around his ankles with the underwear covering the privates.)

TLOTA: You know, I’ve been thinking of someone.

Lea Michele: Who?

TLOTA: Mathew, I hope he didn’t do anything crazy. (James has a JD look on his face as James has a “Scrubs” like fantasy enter his head as scene cuts flashes to SummersIsle where Jane Lynch is dressed like Sister SummersIsle and facial painting looks halfway like Demon from KISS and the coloring is inverted on the other side.)

Jane “SummersIsle”: So you have come of your own volition to sacrifice yourself for our crops? (Camera zooms to Mathew Buck with a smile on his face.)

Film Brain: After what I’ve seen, I welcome death! (Mathew gets pulled up by his wrists to the top of the Wicker Man and a little girl puts a torch over the base of a bonfire and as the fire grows Mathew whoops and hollers in joy as he dances around the head as the fire grows and the women chant “The Drone must die!”) It’s getting hot in here so let me get all nutty now. (Fire gets closer and Mathew begins to get giddy.) Father into your hands I commend..my..spirit! (Mathew falls down and cut flashes back to James)

TLOTA: Nah, that’s stupid even by his standards!

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Is "The Passion Of The Christ" a religious experience?

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then the camera zooms to the backside of the slab with the word editorial on it)

I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours. With Easter around the corner I figured I would talk about movies based on the Bible and yes I am aware of the title of the editorial. Movies like "Noah" "Son Of God" "God's not dead" making news everyone has been talking about religion in movies and for me that started ten years ago with the movie "The Passion Of The Christ" (Show scene of the movie's title and clips as James does a voice over.) Co-Written, Produced and directed by the mad Anti-Semitic Mel Gibson before he torpedoed his career. The movie was a description of the last 12 hours and was completely spoken in Aramaic & Latin both were dead tongues and surprisingly a lot of people were saying that "The Passion Of The Christ" was an amazing experience religiously speaking. (Cut back to James physically) Now I saw this a few years back after it came to DVD and to be honest, I thought it was the best art-house movie I've ever seen something Oancitizen should review. But was I religiously moved? Not really. Religiously speaking I'm a Presbyterian and I do attend church when I can and I don't try to convert people to my religion and I also know the story of how our savior died on the cross for our sins. But when I see a movie like "The Ten Commandments" or say Kevin Smith's religious comedy "Dogma" I understand what the movie makers were going for. With "The Ten Commandments" director Cecil B. DeMille wanted to tell the story of Moses and Charlton Heston was I think perfectly casted for the role of Moses and apparently DeMille liked Heston for his build and I think DeMille was surprised by his acting ability & with "The Passion Of The Christ" Mel Gibson thought he could do something similar. However "The Passion Of The Christ" had it's detractors saying it was blasphemous and it promoted Anti-Semitism. In fact most of the modern biblical movies have had a similar problem, people who think because it's not promoting THEIR religion properly then it should be yanked. But here's the thing for me movies based on tales of the Bible are not trying to promote certain beliefs that are different from others, it's trying to tell tales of epicness from a time long ago it's not that different from a movie based on a tale from medieval times or ancient Egypt. But I think the point is if you think that "The Passion Of The Christ" is a religious experience well good for you. When I go see a movie that wants to be an experience, it has to be epic. "The Passion Of The Christ" for me is The Best Art-House movie I've ever seen. Even though the guy who was behind it became nuttier than a nut goodie! (Show Clip of Mel Gibson on South Park "Passion Of The Jew" acting insane then cut back to James shuttering) That should've been the first clue Mel was bonkers for Banana balls. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans.

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Far from "Bogus" but not that great

(Scene starts with James sitting around with a pondering thought on his mind as ORAC shouts silently then slowly gets louder to James)

ORAC: JAMES BENJAMIN FARACI! (James jumps and snaps back to reality)

TLOTA: Sorry ORAC, I had a lot on my mind. What’s going on?

ORAC: I said the project is just about finished and nearly ready for use and Lea Michele is on the Skype, do you wish to answer?

TLOTA: Hmm Oh yeah, of course. Hey there what’s going on with you? (Scene cuts to Lea Michele in her trailer.)

Lea Michele: Shooting the finale. Can you believe they cut the fifth season by two episodes? (Scene cuts to James.)

TLOTA: Well think of it this way, you’ll get more of a chance to plan a summer tour. You could play “Bethel Woods” here in Sullivan County. (Scene cuts to Lea Michele in her trailer.)

Lea Michele: Well I did set up a concert there on the twenty eighth. Maybe you & I can meet there. (Scene cuts to James.)

TLOTA: That’d be great because A) It’s my birthday & B) there’s this hotel there that’s having an internet convention and I’m having a panel with my associates. (Scene cuts to Lea Michele in her trailer.)

Lea Michele: Well I hope to see you at the concert. (Scene cuts to James.)

TLOTA: I’ll be there with time to spare. Oh speaking of time my project is just about finished and you know as much as I like to… (Scene cuts to Lea Michele in her trailer.)

Lea Michele: You can’t save Cory because it would cause irreparable damage to the Time Space Continuum and I know that just do me a favor don’t forget the twenty eighth be there. (Scene cuts to James.)

TLOTA: I will not. I love you and I’ll see you there. (James shuts off the Skype) ORAC How much longer before it’s ready?

ORAC: Approximately three hours at the least. Might I suggest you review something?

TLOTA: Well there is this one film I wanted to talk about. But in the meanwhile engage the new intro.

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. (Show clips of “Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure” while James does a voice-over) In 1989 a little movie called “Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure” starring two little known actors named Alex Winter & Keanu Reeves and legendary comedian George Carlin became a monstrous hit at the box office. The story was simple. Teens go back in time. (Cut to audience saying “BACK TO THE FUTURE” and James visually appears) I know! (Cut back to clips of “Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure”) As I was saying Teens go back in time to pass their history exam in a time machine that looks like a phone booth (Cut to audience saying “DOCTOR WHO” and James visually appears) NO KIDDING! (Cut back to clips of “Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure”) Needless to say chaos in the Space Time Continuum ensued as the two passed their exam and won the heart of two princesses from Medieval Times and because “Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure” was a success a sequel was quickly made. (Cut back to James visually) Was it good or was it truly bogus. Well, you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t want to know. (“God gave Rock & Roll to you II” by KISS plays in the background as “Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey” opening credit show as well as clips from “Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey while James does a voiceover.) “Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey” has a good concept but it doesn’t execute it properly. The acting isn’t god awful but neither is it academy award worthy. The story is an interesting idea but isn’t handled with the pathos it deserves. (Scene changes to James visually) But don’t take my word for it, let’s check out “Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey”

TLOTA (Voice over): So our movie begins in the far future of 2691 and we see our villain played by Joss Ackerland and for and for future references I’m going to be making a jar for all the “Lethal Weapon 2” jokes I’m going to be making as well as any Keanu Reeves jokes as well. Joss plays a leader of a terrorist cell which is kind of odd seeing as how utopic the future looked in the last movie.

DeNomolos: It is time. They have reached the second crucial turning point in their destiny. Their message is about to reach millions. But…We will change that. When our mission is successful, no longer will the world be dominated by the legacy of these two fools! No longer will we hear this: (performs Air guitar). WE WILL STOP THEM NOW! BROTHERS & SISTERS ARE WE READY? (Group arm their guns)

TLOTA (Voice over): So after that moment of unnerving fear. We find Rufus once again played by the late George Carlin teaching a class at the “Bill & Ted University”. Yes the two behind Wyld Stallyons have their own university. However school gets cut short as the terrorists take over and surprising Rufus in the middle his class and discovering something surprising.

Rufus: De Nomolos, My old teacher!

De Nomolos: Rufus, My favorite pupil! (Cut to James visually)

TLOTA: Rufus was the leader of the terrorists’ former student?! What else are they going to throw our way? (Cut back to movie as Bill & Ted reveal they are underneath the cloaks to the class and the two saying “How’s it going dudes?” then cut back to James visually) De Nomolos convinced Bill S. Preston Esq. & Ted “Theodore” Logan to join the terrorists?! (Show clip of Bill & Ted revealing their robotic heads as James does a voiceover saying “I SERIOUSLY WOULD LIKE TO KNOW…WHAT THE HELL?!”)

De Nomolos: Friends, friends, friends. These are automatons. Replicas only, furnished with my agenda. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Whew, that’s a relief. Wait no it isn’t. (Cut back to James doing voice over the video clips.) So De Nomolos’ take over the world scheme includes killing Bill & Ted before they make their big universe changing speech but Rufus has other plans as he hitches a ride with the robo-duplicates. But enough plot for now as we cut to present day San Dimas Wyld Stallyons have gotten in by the seat of the pants into a battle of the bands hosted by Pam Grier. That night it’s their Princesses’ birthdays and apparently Missy divorced Bill’s dad and married Ted’s and then after the party Bill & Ted propose to their Princesses & things look up. That is until Bill & Ted’s robo-duplicates land outside the same Circle K from the first movie. There De Nomolos lets the two mechanical doppelgangers that Rufus hitched a ride but got lost in the circuits of time. Feeling confident Rufus is gone for good De Nomolos tells the two to proceed with the plan. Their first step is to dupe the real Bill & Ted into thinking their ladies are leaving the band then ditch the booth in the circuits of time meeting up with the real Bill & Ted and take them to Vasquez Rocks to kill them. As the two are about to die the real Bill & Ted discover their doubles are robots right before Bill & Ted get thrown off where the Command Center will be.

Robotic Bill & Ted: Catch you later Bill & Ted!

TLOTA (Voice over): So yeah, Bill & Ted are dead! I have this weird feeling we’re doomed. (Show clip of the two opening their eyes and James reacting with a Huh look on their eyes. Then cutting back to the footage.)

Dead Ted: Bill, where are we?

Dead Bill: Ted, We’re dead dude. (Cut to James visually)

TLOTA: Well that’s a relief. Wait no it isn’t! (Cut back to James doing voice over the video clips.) So the two meet the Grim Reaper played by William Sadler but the two Melvin death and get back to San Dimas just in time to see their robotic duplicates ruin their relationships with their Princesses and overhear their plans to kill the princesses. The two then decide to visit & Posses Bill’s dad and an unwilling detective. After that plan doesn’t work they decide to meet Missy and her New Age friends in a séance which doesn’t end well for them. (Show clip of Bill & Ted in different angles over a black background as the scene cuts back to James visually) They’re going to be doing that for a while. I’m going to take a break.

TLOTA: Well it’s been some time. Let’s see how far along they are. (Show clip of the two playing 20 Questions)

Bill: Are you a mineral?

Ted: Yeah.

Bill: Are you a tank?

Ted: Whoa yeah, Good one! (The two land in hell)

TLOTA (Voice over): So the two wind up in hell where combined they have to face off against Col. Oates and separately their own fears. Bill being having to kiss his grandma played by Alex Winter on the lips and Ted being a demonic Easter Bunny. With no other option the two have one choice to return from the great beyond face off against the Reaper, after delaying the two by trying to make them lose at Battleship, Clue, Electric Football though no one wins that game anyway and finally beating the reaper at twister despite the odds. But thankfully the two remember their robotic doubles put them six feet under the first time. So before returning to earth, the trio go to heaven to find the smartest scientists in the galaxy who are named Station. So the five of them come back to earth with a plan. Create good robotic doubles to exterminate the evil robotic doubles. Meanwhile De Nomolos gets the two evil robot doppelgangers back on his schedule which includes getting them to the Battle of The Bands, kidnapping the princesses and preparing them to be killed meanwhile Station merge into a superstation to build the good robotic duplicates and just in time at the battle of the bands is occurring where Primus is playing. Just as the evil robots are about to do the evil thing guess who comes to ruin their plan!

Good Bill: Hold it right there!

Good Bill & Ted: We’re Wyld Stallyons.

TLOTA (Voice over): So the real Bill & Ted bring their good robotic doubles take down the evil robot doubles. (Show clip of the two good robot Bill & Ted busting through the wall while an audio clip of a pair of Daleks shout “EX-TER-MIN-NATE!” repeat as the evil Robot doubles get reduced to scrap metal.) But as the two celebrate their supposed victory. De Nomolos busts in the stolen time booth and a laser screwdriver to hijack the program and to execute the two on televisions all over the globe. But thankfully the two have the booth as an ace in the hole.

Bill: After we get away from this guy, we use the booth, we time travel back and set up the things we need to get him now.

Ted: Whoa Yeah, like what?

Bill: Like a sandbag. (Sandbag lands on De Nomolos’s gun.)

Ted: Excellent, Then We’ll get a cage. (Cage lands imprisoning De Nomolos)

TLOTA (Voice over): De Nomolos not being an idiot decides two can play this game.

De Nomolos: Once I have vanquished you. I will go back and set up this key. (Shows key and unlocks cage.) And another gun. (Gun pops out of nowhere and flag saying Wyld Stallyons Rule! And metal version of “Words Win Wars” play as the two gloat about defeating De Nomolos and Ted’s dad arresting them.)

TLOTA (Voice over): So as if things weren’t weird yet it turns out Ms. Wardroe is actually Rufus and De Nomolos was actually a Gym teacher. That’s right, we nearly got ruled by a former gym teacher. But as Bill & Ted prepare to take the stage. Bill & Ted take the booth to get themselves fully ready. Then the two say something incredible.

Bill: Ladies and Gentlemen, we’ve been to the past. We’ve been to the future.

Ted: We’ve been all around the afterlife.

Bill: And you know…

Ted: The best place to be is here

Bill: And the best time to be… is now. And all we can say is...

Bill & Ted: LET’S ROCK!

TLOTA (Voice over): And with that one statement everyone starts to come together in peace and harmony and the world became a better place. (Cut to James visually) So that’s Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey and is it Bogus? Surprisingly no! (“God gave Rock & Roll to you II” by KISS plays in the background as James does a voiceover) Is the story poorly executed? Yes but it is well paced. The acting isn’t atrocious but neither is it Academy Award worthy. The special effects are great for the time but by today’s standards aren’t spectacular but in my opinion they’ve aged better than Spider-Man and that came out over a decade after this. But if you want to know it's not a great film but if you can’t find your favorite film and there’s nothing good on TV I'd say give this a watch. (Cut to James visually) I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that’s my opinion. (Cut to ORAC)

ORAC: James, I have finished the project.

TLOTA: Excellent. (James grabs Sonic Screwdriver and walks to the thermometer to bring up a copy of the TARDIS behind the door next to the thermometer.) Seriously? ORAC, I needed this to look inconspicuous.

ORAC (Audio only): According to data banks “Doctor Who” had been off the air for two years so this will look inconspicuous for the time.

TLOTA: Okay, You did your best and it will function I hope.

ORAC (Audio only): It will function as you requested. Where are you going, if I may inquire?

TLOTA: I’m going to observe how Lea is able to handle my insanity by looking and not getting involved in any way. (James dials numeric code that allows a door to open and inside a slot James takes two keys out and initiates the time device by turning the keys as the same way to activate a nuclear bomb and a white light flashes as scene changes and music cues from the opening of “The Rings Of Akhaten” which shows the origin of Clara plays in the background as Lea Michele’s parents are expecting their daughter when a leaf blows off a tree and onto Lea Michele’s mom initiating the labor process. James hails a Taxi for them incognito. The miracle of life occurs and Lea is born and James sees in the back as Lea’s father holds their daughter for the first time. Then flashes forward to when she is a little kid as she watches a stage performance and James watches Lea in her audition for “Spring Awakening” in the background. Then flashes forward to the Audition for “GLEE” with Cory Monteith and seeing a glimmer of James as he quickly disappears as Cory asks who she saw and she replies no one. Flashes forward to reading James reading News report of Cory Monteith’s death as James looks from a distance as Lea claims Cory’s body before James walks back to his time machine.) Nothing. Why does she remain calm under such incredibility?

ORAC: James check out the footage I have found. (James goes to a monitor to discover enhanced video & audio in the background of Turl’s threats to the Nostalgia Critic from the “Battlefield Earth” review as enhanced audio has Lea Michele shouting “Psychlos! GO TO HELL!” as she presses a button to blow a Nuclear bomb as Turl says Uh-Oh in the background. Then cuts to Linkara as he is down in the dumps after being beaten by Lord Vyce the first time after reviewing “Care Bears” comic to whisper into Linkara’s ear what to do behind a shroud of invisibility and then cuts to Rowdy one month after the “Heil Honey I’m Home as Rowdy looks at what’s on TV and notices he is disgusted by TMZ with Lea whispering “Go for it!” in Rowdy’s ear and Rowdy gets to work as James looks on with an incredulous look on his face.)

TLOTA: But how can she be doing this? Wait, do you have visual of where Lea was when the P.H. incident occurred?

ORAC: Accessing it now. (James checking out people on the set of GLEE running for their lives when James notices Lea just standing there.)

TLOTA: Can you enhance the audio as to what she’s saying?

Lea Michele (Audio only): Emmalina, if you can hear him let him have enough strength to send the plot hole back. Let him have that strength and he will amass the group of warriors you need to help you save Caliverti. Emmalina, Let James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans have… that… strength. (James moves monitor away.)

TLOTA: She IS the Impossible!

Monday, March 31, 2014

Let's Play Skygard!

(Commercial Sting with of the American Gladiators first run's final season's ten seconds theme with James Standing next to Army Text saying The Last Of The Americans. Then a rubber stamp stamps over the entire thing the word Editorial)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. I've been kind of busy as of late what with my sword being stolen, searching for The Wicked and what have you not so getting out an editorial has been kind of hard. But that doesn't mean I can't do something, so I decided to post a "Let's Play" now I know that it might be hard to do seeing as how I write text reviews to post a "Let's Play" but I decided to give it with the good ol' College try. So let's check out "Skygard"! (James walks over to the XBOX 360, opens Disc drive places Disc into Disc drive and an error screen appears) Hmm. Not to worry (James walks over to his desk drawer and grabs two Sonic Screwdrivers) and a One & a two and an Allons-Y! (James hits the Television and XBOX 360 with the Sonic Screwdrivers and accidentally opens up a portal.) Uh-Oh! (Portal widens as James ducks for cover and Karl dressed as he was at the end of "Dragonbored" pops out)

Karl: I'm free! I'M FREE! (Karl shouts, whoops & hollers!) Who are you?

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and you are?

Karl: Oh hey, I'm Karl and I'm from Chicago. I've been in there for a LOOONG time! I died five hundred times while I was in there.

TLOTA: Uh quick question, Do you usually dress like a Xena: Warrior Princess knockoff or was this part of being in Skygard? (Karl looks at himself and discovers he still looks like Jessica)

Karl: Shit! (Looks down at his crotch) Whew, got my junk back. I based this on my now Ex-Girlfriend Jessica who got stolen by me by that back stabbing Gnome fucker Jimbroth! Uh sorry but do you have any men's clothing! (Time lapses about an hour and Karl is dressed like an ordinary guy now.) Thanks. So now you know my story.

TLOTA: So you were just an ordinary guy with an ordinary job then you got into "Skygard" the game like a fan would then your copy acted like a portal and then your character Jimbroth came to our world, took your job, friends and the woman you loved?

Karl: Yep. I also found out Jessica and Jimbroth got married also LeBron made him a partner so after a while I went through the emotions but now that I'm out of "Skygard" I know what I'm going to do. First off, I'm going to find Taylin and put five hundred bullets into the bastard! One for every death he dealt me! Then I've got a merger proposal for LeBron, him and a pit full of half crazed cannibalistic hyenas! Finally I'm going to take Jimbroth's sword and shred him literally to fucking shreds then rape and skin Jessica alive after that I'll be able to play "Skygard" in peace and serenity! (Karl laughs manically and runs into the night as James prepares to play his copy of "Skygard" when he discovers his copy got stolen by Karl)

TLOTA: Oh SON OF A BITCH! He took my copy of "Skygard" Oh well, at least I gave it the ol' College try. I'm James Faraci The Last of the Americans and that's my opinion. (Scene changes to classic "Looney Tunes" end scene with the music from classic "Looney Tunes" ending & James pops out of the drum) TLOTA: App a dap dap a APRIL FOOL'S! (The ending scene ends as James does a thumbs up)

Saturday, March 8, 2014

The Final bite from the "Spider"

ORAC (Audio Only): Previously on James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans.

(Show scene of James grabbing Spider-Man 3 and extreme pain courses through him)

Lea Michele: ORAC, what’s going on?

TLOTA (Sounding dark & demonic with his eyes glowing with black flames): Spider-Man 3 (Dark Spider-Man theme from Spider-Man 3 play in the background and James smiles a wicked grin.)

ORAC (Audio Only): And now the conclusion!

(Scene fades in to Lea Michele backing away from James to find a Sonic Screwdriver in a drawer only to use it on James as he demonically roars, returns to normal and collapses in exhaustion while Lea Michele feels a pinch from the Sonic Screwdriver)

Lea Michele: What happened?

ORAC: The scans of this particular Sonic Screwdriver has now genetically been locked to your specific DNA, in layman’s terms now you only can control this Sonic Screwdriver.

Lea Michele: But what happened to James?

ORAC: You knocked him unconscious.

Lea Michele: So what do I do?

(Music from the last seasons of the Original Run of American Gladiators play Speedy shot of James Faraci breaking through the American Flag, working out, fighting bad cinema, bad pop culture anything bad in the world with a picture of the White House appears in the background as Jack Swagger, Zeb Coulter and President Obama appear in the foreground as all three fall as James Faraci stands alone and tall and in Army text the words of The Last Of The Americans stand by his side)

(Opening cuts to Lea Michele carrying James Faraci to her car, pulling out her Sonic Screwdriver to unlock her doors, prop James in the passenger seat and use Sonic Screwdriver to start her car. Scene cuts to her zooming down Route 17 to New York City with a Bluetooth in her ear while “I Am the Doctor” by Murray Gold plays in the background)

Lea Michele: Call Rowdy.

Bluetooth: Please enjoy the music while you’re party is being reached. (“Good Ol’ Boys” Dukes of Hazzard theme and the Rowdy Reviewer answers)

Rowdy (Audio Only): Hello, how’s James?

Lea Michele: He was doing better until I blasted him with a Sonic Screwdriver.

Rowdy (Audio Only): WHY?!

Lea Michele: His voice became demonic and his eyes turned black and flames came out of them when he said “Spider-Man 3” but I couldn’t leave him where he was and because of it I might be late for “GLEE” I heard you have a Genie, can your Genie get me a half hour away from the set.

Rowdy (Audio Only): No Problem, where are you now?

Lea Michele: Heading down Route 17 to Middletown New York.

Rowdy (Audio Only): Okay, hang on tight! Jeannie, lock into Lea’s car and blink her to the set of “GLEE”! (Cut to Lea’s car going down Route 17 to Middletown New York to disappear then cut to outside the set of “GLEE” where Lea Michele’s car blinks in as she hits the brakes)

Lea Michele: WOW! (Tap on window cut to outside of Lea’s car where Naya Rivera is standing. Car door opens and Lea steps out)

Naya Rivera: Lea, where have you been, I hope you’re ready because… (Naya looks in Lea’s Car to see James’ unconscious body.) TELL ME HE’S NOT!

Lea Michele: Fortunately, he’s just unconscious, help me load him into my trailer. (Naya grabs James by his arms while Lea grabs James’ Legs and pulls out the Sonic Screwdriver to open Lea’s trailer then cut to James lying unconscious on Lea’s Trailer’s bed)

Naya Rivera: Will he be alright?

Lea Michele: I don’t know (Naya looks at Lea’s right hand and in it is the Sonic Screwdriver) & this is a Sonic Screwdriver, it’s encoded to work with me only. (Assistant bangs on the door and says “You’re wanted on set in five minutes Ms. Michele”) Damn it! Fortunately, I’ve remembered my lines. (Lea bends over to James’ unconscious body and gives him a kiss on the cheek) Get better while I’m away. (Cut to inside of James’ head where James Faraci is standing inside his head and dark clouds surround him.)

James Faraci: Where am I? What are you? (A Figure in the darkness pulls out a Sonic Screwdriver and dark clouds inside James’ head screams as the sounds of a Sonic Screwdriver run through and dissipate the dark clouds into harmless fog) What’s going on? Hey you with the Sonic Screwdriver, Who are you? (Figure walks towards James only to reveal himself to be James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans)

TLOTA (Sporting a British Accent): Hello, I am the doctor.

James Faraci: Bullshit. (James Faraci the Last of the Americans laughs and then sighs then sounds like James.)

TLOTA: You’re right, I just wanted to say that. I am you, but not what you think of as your subconscious, I am an extension of you. Much like The Nostalgia Critic is an extension of Doug Walker or how “The Blockbuster Buster” is the extension of Eric Rodriguez or how The Rowdy Reviewer is an extension of your friend Chris Lee Moore or Linkara is the extension of Lewis Lovhaug. I’m your extension. I am James Faraci The Last Of The Americans.

James Faraci: Okay so what about why my memories became Swiss cheese or what those dark clouds were?

TLOTA: Your mind didn’t want handle the loss, the pain and the anguish of the last six years so you tucked it away until it became a part of you, the part you didn’t want to deal with, that’s why you & I chose the Spider-Man movies by Sam Raimi, to remind you of what one of the catalysts was to make me. (Show clips from the first two of the three Spider-Man movies by Sam Raimi with The Last Of The Americans doing a voice over) The first movie was a reminder that your faith in movies needed to be revived. The second one was the one that shook your faith in how Hollywood made movies. (Cut to James & The Last Of The Americans inside James’ head.) But the one we’re going to face now is the one that destroyed that faith that Hollywood can make consistently great movies into realizing Hollywood wants to make the quick buck. Spider-Man 3 (Show Spider-Man 3 opening credit then clips of Spider-Man 3) This is the one movie that you were nervous the most about, because there was so much hype behind it, so much to wonder and that hype & wonder turned you against the Wall Crawler when you came to that realization. (Cut back to James & The Last Of The Americans inside James’ head.) Plus with him like a Jackass revealing himself in the midst of Marvel’s Civil War, One More Day then his association with Obama made you hate Spider-Man for good and good reason.

James Faraci: But how can this be one of the catalysts for why I made you? We’re going to sit through this together to find out aren’t we?

TLOTA: You betcha (Cut to Opening scene with The Last Of The Americans & James Faraci doing a voice over the clips) So the movie begins with Spider-Man being beloved by all, Peter and Mary Jane are happy as their lives are moving forward, so much so Mary Jane is in the next big musical. (Show clip of Mary Jane singing and cut to James & The Last Of The Americans with a disgusted look on both their faces)

James Faraci: Wow, if she was on American Idol she’d never make it past the audition round. But wait a minute, what about Harry?

TLOTA: He’s been planning his unnecessary revenge. (Show clips of evolution of Goblin masks & Gliders and then Harry coming out of the Performance enhancers’ inhalation chamber. Then back to both James & TLOTA doing voice over video clips.)Of course sneaking up behind Peter helped Harry out in the battle.

Harry Osborn: You knew this was coming, Pete!

James Faraci (Voice over video clips): The fact Peter tells Harry the truth doesn’t seem to faze Harry’s dogged determination to put Peter in a pine box but after some cognitive recalibration Harry wakes up in the Hospital having no memory of what happened to him or his father.

TLOTA (Voice over video clips): Meanwhile on a date with Mary Jane the Venom Symbiote finds its way to earth and on to Peter’s bike and Flint Marko played by Thomas Hayden Church breaks out of Jail to see his sick daughter & ex-wife but on the run Flint Marko runs into a science experiment involving sand caught in the experiment forcing his body to be reduced to grains of sand, the next morning Flint Marko begins to rebuild himself after being reduced to sand and to the movie’s credit the scene where he sees what happened to him and he tries to pick up his daughter’s necklace is sad but he realizes he’s become “The Sandman”. Meanwhile Peter visits Aunt May at her new apartment to let May know he’s going to ask M.J. to marry Peter meanwhile Mary Jane’s career takes a hit as critics hate her performance and she’s summarily fired from the Broadway show she was in. Ouch!

James Faraci (Voice over video clips): Meanwhile at a Photo shoot we meet Gwen Stacey played by Bryce Dallas Howard, which gets cut off via a crane crash but fortunately Captain Stacey played by James Cromwell aka the farmer from both “Babe” movies and of course Zefram Cochrane from “Star Trek: First Contact” shuts the power down to the block but that doesn’t help but thankfully Spider-Man is there to save Gwen and meet Topher Grace who plays…

Eddie Brock: It’s Brock, sir. Edward Brock Jr. (Scene cuts to James & TLOTA inside James’ mind)

James Faraci: Do you want to say it or should I?

TLOTA: Let’s say it together.

James Faraci: Sounds good.

James Faraci & TLOTA (Together): BULLSHIT!

TLOTA: Look I get that they had to get someone somewhat physically equal to Tobey Maguire but Foreman from “That 70’s Show”?

James Faraci: I could’ve done a better Eddie Brock with my eyes closed. (Ground shakes and things become a bit darker.) What was that?

TLOTA: You haven’t dealt with it but trust me it’s not good. (Scene cuts to Jane Lynch looking into Lea Michele’s trailer to see James’ unconscious body)

Jane Lynch (Internal Monologue): Hmm, it’s him. His existence is an affront to all that I stand for. He looks like he’s unable to defend himself. Perfect (Show Jane Lynch with an evil smile on her face and a dark intent on her mind. Commercial Sting going out with of the American Gladiators first run's final season's ten seconds theme with James Standing next to Army Text saying The Last Of The Americans. Then same commercial sting takes us back to the review.)

(Cut back to both James & TLOTA inside James’ head.)

TLOTA: All right, everything’s stabilized for now. Whatever you said or did, don’t do it again!

James Faraci: I’ll take that into advisement.

(Cut back to both James & TLOTA doing voice over video clips.)

TLOTA(Voice over video clips): Meanwhile The Daily Bugle has seen its sales go down, J. Jonah Jameson’s stress levels being used for comedic purposes and a new job for a staff photographer up for grabs and it’s between Peter & Eddie. But apparently saving a Police Captain’s daughter earns Spidey the key to the city.

James Faraci (Voice over video clips): During the ceremony Gwen & Spider-Man kiss that Iconic kiss from the franchise despite the crowd’s negative reaction of it (Show scene of Little kid saying “No Spider-Man No!” and Gwen Kisses Spider-Man with Spider-Man upside down then show Mary Jane getting pissed off and then Spider-Man gives the thumbs down but turns it to thumbs up and the little kid going Blach! Then scene cuts to James & TLOTA inside James’ head.)

James Faraci: I don’t know whether to agree with Spidey’s first hand gesture or that kid.

TLOTA: Why not both?

James Faraci: Sounds good to me (Both giving the moment the Thumbs Down and saying BLACH! Cut back to both James & TLOTA doing voice over video clips.)

James Faraci (Voice over video clips): However in Mid-Ceremony, The Sandman makes his first appearance in sight of Spider-Man. The two fight for a bit inside an armored truck but The Sandman gets away with the cash and Peter is left to wonder where guys like The Sandman comes from.

Peter Parker: Where do all these guys come from?

James Faraci (Voice over video clips): Told ya.

TLOTA (Voice over video clips): Well Peter’s romantic night where he’s going to propose goes south because A) Mary Jane is still pissed about Spidey kissing Gwen and B) She tells Peter about being fired from her Broadway show & C) Gwen Stacey drops by definitely not good timing by Gwen or Peter & Mary Jane. But the moment is saved by Bruce Campbell doing an Inspector Clouseau impression as the Maître D and to Bruce’s credit his Clouseau is better than Steve Martin’s in those embarrassing two movies.

James Faraci (Voice over video clips): Making things worse Captain Stacey tells both Aunt May & Peter that apparently the thief that got away with the Pro-Wrestling organization’s money that Peter was at that night where Uncle Ben was murdered wasn’t Uncle Ben’s murderer it was The Sandman (Show clip of Robot Chicken’s M. Night Shyamalan saying “What a twist!”)

TLOTA (Voice over video clips): Peter takes the news rather well for Peter that is.

Peter Parker: No, you’re not doing your job. I watched my Uncle die and we chased down the wrong man. Now you’re telling me you had suspicions for two years? Witnesses? Why weren’t we told about this?

Captain Stacey: Settle down

Peter Parker: I have no intention of settling down! This man killed my uncle and he’s still out there!

(Scene cuts to James & TLOTA inside James’ head)

James Faraci: Good lord, any more of that whining and he’ll make Robin from “Batman & Robin” sound butch in comparison.

(Cut back to both James & TLOTA doing voice over video clips.)

TLOTA (Voice over video clips): Well as one would suspect Peter is waiting for the Police Scanner for it to call that the Sandman is around. But all that pent up rage interests the Symbiote as it merges with Spider-Man giving Spidey his Dark Spider-Man suit. Peter not totally being rock stupid takes a sample of it to Dr. Connors to see what it is.

James Faraci (Voice over video clips): But no time to wait for Dr. Connors’ test results Peter hears on the Police Scanner that The Sandman has been seen at a bank and puts on the Dark Spider-Man suit to take on The Sandman. (Show clip of Dark Spider-Man in the subway with The Sandman)

Dark Spider-Man: Flint Marko!

Sandman: What do you want from me?

Dark Spider-Man: Remember Ben Parker? The old man you shot down in cold blood?

Sandman: What does it matter to you, anyway?

Dark Spider-Man: EVERYTHING!

James Faraci (Voice over video clips): Its official, Robin from “Batman & Robin” is more butch than Spider-Man. But having said that, the battle in the subway is well choreographed. (Show clip of Sandman falling in a puddle and beginning to disintegrate and Dark Spider-Man opens up the water main fully disintegrating Sandman with Dark Spider-Man saying “Good Riddance” then cut to James & TLOTA inside James’ head)

James Faraci: Looks like Spider-Man sent The Sandman (James & TLOTA take off their glasses and put on fashionable shades) to sleep at the bottom of the Hudson river (Show clip of CSI Miami intro where Roger Daltrey shouts eyeahh! And opening scene then cut back to James & TLOTA doing voiceover video clips)

TLOTA (Voice over video clips): While the symbiote appears to slowly begin to take control of Peter. Mary Jane gets a singing waitress’s job at a bar and Harry and Mary Jane get together for a friendly get together which gets a little more than that and unfortunately reactivates Harry’s dormant memories and Harry begins to plot against Spider-Man again this time using Mary Jane as a pawn.

James Faraci (Voice over video clips): Definitely not good seeing as how Peter is not fully there and the symbiote has some control over him and the battle doesn’t fare well for either (Show clips of the fight between Peter & Harry then Peter mocking Harry intercut with clips of The Nostalgia Critic whining over Robin from “Batman & Robin” then cut back to Harry throwing a smart bomb towards Peter which Peter throws back at Harry as it goes kablamo.) The next day The Daily Bugle shows a doctored photo Eddie Brock made which pisses Peter off. Peter decides to find the original and show it to Jameson which gets Eddie fired and Peter the Staff Photographer job and finally Dr. Connors discovers that the symbiote is dangerous but we don’t have time for that. We’ve got the Symbiote fully in charge of Peter Parker causing chaos as the Spider-Man movie franchise finally shoots itself in the foot. (Show Peter Parker dancing & being an arrogant prick eventually hurting Mary Jane in the process then cut to James & TLOTA inside James’ head)

James Faraci: I think it’s safe to say Sam Raimi should thank his Lucky stars that he was able to get work after this.

TLOTA: I think he does.

(Cut back to both James & TLOTA doing voice over video clips.)

James Faraci (Voice over video clips): But that moment Peter realizes the symbiote is in the driver seat is when he decides to try to get rid of it using the vibrations of a church bell.

TLOTA (Voice over video clips): Well which church bell could it be? Why the same church bell where Eddie is praying for God to axe Peter Parker.

James Faraci (Voice over video clips): Like he would do anything like that.

TLOTA (Voice over video clips): But then again God does favor the wicked and punish the good because the symbiote finds a new host in Eddie Brock and with the symbiote armed with Spider-Man’s abilities the two become VENOM!

James Faraci (Voice over video clips): Meanwhile The Sandman reforms himself and teams up with Venom just to kidnap Mary Jane. Knowing he can’t do this on his own he begs Harry to help but after nearly being incinerated by Spidey, Harry tells Spidey to piss off. Eventually the truth about Harry’s dad FINALLY gets through Harry’s thick skull and who tells him that, The Butler, THE FUCKING BUTLER! The guy who had a total of less than one minute total in the Spider-Man franchise combined, I think Bruce Campbell had more screen time & he played three different characters. However Harry’s involvement to help Spider-Man came not a moment too soon as both Venom & Sandman puts the walloping to Spidey and just as you thought Spider-Man dancing and acting like an arrogant prick didn’t put the Spider-Man franchise down like a dog I think hardcore Spider-Man fans know that a Goblin and Spider-Man have not nor have they ever worked side by side, but thankfully it doesn’t last long. (Show clip of Harry being stabbed by his own glider then cut to scene of Maid Marian from “Robin Hood: Men in Tights” reacting to the Sheriff of Rottenham getting stabbed then back to Spider-Man 3 clips) Eventually Peter uses vibrations to separate Venom & Eddie Brock then bombs both the Symbiote & Eddie Brock straight to hell along with the Spider-Man franchise and the final confrontation between Peter & The Sandman finally occurs where The Sandman tells Peter that the gun going off was accidental and Peter’s Uncle’s death was accidental but it’s still technically murder but Peter forgives The Sandman and Harry dies.

Peter Parker (Narrating): Whatever comes our way, whatever battle we have raging inside of us, we always have a choice. My friend Harry taught me that. He chose to be the best of himself. It’s the choices that makes us who we are and we can always choose to do what’s right.

James Faraci (Voice over video clips): Unless you’re the filmmakers who give us an ending where Peter watches Mary Jane at the Bar she’s working at & where he humiliated her earlier.

TLOTA (Voice over video clips): What did you expect a heroic ending when Peter & Spider-Man was acting like a Jackass throughout the whole movie?

James Faraci (Voice over video clips): Point taken

(Show ending of Spider-Man 3 then cut to James & TLOTA inside James’ head)

James Faraci: So do you want to say it or should I?

TLOTA: How about we do it together?

James Faraci: Sounds good to me.

James Faraci & TLOTA (Together): THIS MOVIE WAS HORRENDOUS! (Show clips of Spider-Man 3 while James & TLOTA doing voice over clips.)

TLOTA (Voice over video clips): The story was rushed faster than Sonic the Hedgehog in super turbo mode, the CGI can go from decent to obviously bad and outside of Sam Raimi & James Franco the path of career destruction is equal to that of three movies starring Shia LaBeouf. But to Spider-Man 3’s very little credit there were some decent moments and though the story was rushed, I believe that Sam Raimi somewhere in the back of his head believed that this was going to be his last Hurrah as the man behind The Spider-Man movies so he threw everything he wanted and the one thing the fans wanted which was Venom but when it got rushed fans did get upset but when you throw everything including the Kitchen sink into something you kind of have to look back and wonder what happened.

James Faraci (Voice over video clips): But that was also a bit of a problem with the first two as well Sam Raimi threw everything he could and what could work did work but everything else was lackluster and that’s a shame Sam Raimi made one of my favorite movies of all time “Army Of Darkness” and before I get a ton of E-Mails and messages I have seen the other two Evil Dead movies and they were amazing, the remake eh not so much. But for all intent and purposes the fact that this had to carry a brand that was not doing well at all and this was just another nail in the coffin. (Scene cuts to James & TLOTA inside James’ head.)

James Faraci: And to compound matters is I could make a better story for a movie franchise like Spider-Man. But I never got that break, in fact I never got anything close to a break for me and my goals, my hopes & my desires and I need to know one thing.
TLOTA: What’s that?

James Faraci (Shouting in anger): WHY?! (The word why echoes which shakes the ground inside James’ head re-releasing the darkness that James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans had held at bay.)

TLOTA: Why did you reawaken it?

James Faraci: I have no idea and I don’t know what “IT” is.

TLOTA: Well, I’ll tell you this right now it ain’t Tim Curry! (Ground shakes harder as the darkness starts to change as Scene cuts to with Chris Colfer enjoying a bite to eat from the Craft Service table and sees Lea Michele running towards Chris as he shouts WHOA! As Lea collides with Chris.)

Chris Colfer: Lea, what’s wrong?

Lea Michele: Jane. James trouble gonna die!

Chris Colfer: You’re going fifty five times faster than usual, what’s wrong? (Naya Rivera shouts off screen “GANGWAY!” As she comes barreling after Lea Michele and collides with Chris & Lea) Naya, what is Lea going on about?

Naya Rivera: Remember the Halloween Karaoke get together & the New Year’s Eve party we all had.

Chris Colfer: Yeah, who else was there?

Lea Michele: JAMES!

Chris Colfer: Who? (Thinks for two seconds) Oh the guy who is that “Last Of The Americans” reviewer guy online. What’s going on with him?

Naya Rivera: Jane Lynch has the keys to Lea’s Trailer. Jane has had it out for James since she heard of him and if we can’t get to Lea’s trailer before Jane does James is going to join Cory.

(Chris Colfer’s eyes expand as the three run out of the set as scene cuts to James lying down in Lea’s bed as “Vale Decem” plays in the foreground as Jane looks in disgust of James and grabs a chef’s knife. Scene cuts to back inside James’ mind as ground stops rumbling dark clouds take physical form and takes shape of Christy Romano. James walks up to it)

James Faraci: I know what that is, it’s my past.

TLOTA: Why keep it around? It’ll keep you where you are. Don’t you deserve a future?

(James ponders that thought as scene cuts to Lea Michele, Naya Rivera & Chris Colfer running in slow motion trying to get to Lea’s trailer at 00:54-01:30 of “Vale Decem” as scene cuts to Jane Lynch ready to kill James as he lies in unconsciousness.)

Jane Lynch: To kill you will be for the greater good!

(Scene cuts to Naya, Chris & Lea Michele running while Lea pulls out her Sonic Screwdriver at 01:45 moment of “Vale Decem” and scene cuts to Jane Lynch hovering over James’ body.)

Jane Lynch: From Hell’s heart, I stab at thee! (Scene cuts to Lea Michele using the Sonic Screwdriver to pull off the door to her trailer then cuts back to Jane Lynch with Chef’s knife over James’ midsection) For hate’s sake, I spit my last breath at thee! (Cut to inside James’ head where James, TLOTA & His past.)

TLOTA: You must let it go. I can help you the only way you know how. (Pulls out the Sword of Caliverti and hands it to James at 02:00 mark of “Vale Decem” as James continues to ponder then James has a determined look on his face and with the sword in hand at 02:05 mark of “Vale Decem”. By 02:08 mark of “Vale Decem” scene cuts to Lea’s trailer as Naya, Chris & Lea shout “JANE!” And Jane Lynch turns around with the Chef’s knife By 02:15 mark of “Vale Decem” scene cuts back to James & TLOTA inside James’ head and James looking as if he’s made a decision.)

James Faraci: I know what I have to do. (Shouts in anger As James turns and stabs TLOTA through his midsection at 02:22 mark of “Vale Decem”)I knew something was off. You are the wicked, you thought you could control me by making me destroy what I can’t get rid of and I will not give into you. I banish you forever! (TLOTA screams NO! demonically at 02:40 mark of “Vale Decem” & James strikes the floor of his head at Scene cuts back to James’ head at 02:47 mark of “Vale Decem” as James hits the floor inside his head and blinding light blocks all and at 02: 53 mark of “Vale Decem” scene cuts to James as he reawakens with his eyes turning white and electricity shoots from James’ eyes he stands up and everything on James becomes the bluish white light like in Quantum Leap while electricity courses through him to knock Jane Lynch off her feet and Lea looks as James’s clothes change to tan work boots, Blue jeans and a Black tee shirt with The American Flag on it and bluish white light fades to see James look just like he did as Jane Lynch wakes up to see the new James Faraci as “Words win wars” play in the background.)

Jane Lynch: OH CRAP! You’re back!

TLOTA: And better than ever.

Chris Colfer: Wha..How..Huh?

Naya Rivera: What happened?

TLOTA: I’m Red Blooded, White with fury and I’m damned proud to be Blue Collared.

Lea Michele: James?

TLOTA: That’s right Lea, it’s me and I’m not going anywhere. (Lea, Jane, Naya & Chris look at James as he heroically poses and all four of them tilt their head in bemusement.) I am James Faraci & I am The Last Of The Americans. (Jane, Naya, Chris & Lea are looking at James as if he grew a second head while he looks at his new threads)Like the look? (James gives a smile as scene cuts to James looking at the sunset on a hill as “Corynorhinus” from Batman Begins plays in the foreground as Lea Michele walks up next to him at 00:22 mark of “Corynorhinus” from Batman Begins.)

Lea Michele: So everything is?

TLOTA: Back to normal? Yeah, pretty much. I see you’ve become proficient with your Sonic Screwdriver, but after everything I’ve been through, I can’t ask you to stay with me. (The two of them look at each other in silence at the 00:50-01:12 mark of “Corynorhinus” from Batman Begins as a tear wells in Lea’s eyes and James wipes them away as gently as he can)

Lea Michele: So what our lives just go on and I forget that you were in my life?

TLOTA: No, just do what you’re doing now and have faith that we’ll be together soon. But for now… (James kisses Lea on her lips at 01:59-02:29 mark of “Corynorhinus” from Batman Begins.) Goodbye. (James walks away from Lea at 02:31-02:52 mark of “Corynorhinus” from Batman Begins when Lea runs to James and the two fall together down the hill and sweeping romanticized version of the opening theme from the 1990’s X-Men cartoon from “The Phoenix Saga” play as Lea & James kiss again)

Lea Michele: You are THE best thing since I lost Cory, you made me laugh when I needed it and damn it I need you now, forget what you think about why we shouldn’t be together and think why we should be together and I know you’ll come to the same conclusion as I did.

TLOTA: I never thought that it this could happen. But if you’re willing to do this, so am I (Lea smiles then James smiles and the two kiss again as the scene fade cuts to James’ room and the two are in mid conversation.) And that’s why I hunt deer, it’s not Bambi I’m after. It’s Bambi saying “That one is too dumb to…” (James notices the keys to the vault out on the desk.) Why are the keys to the vault out on the desk? ORAC! (James Grabs keys and ORAC to then scene cuts to the backroom then accesses the entry panel to the vault.) Lea, I’ve got a lot to explain, I know it but this is an emergency. ORAC access the last entry time after the P.H. incident. Lea, it’s a long drop down. Hang on. (James turns the keys the same way to activate a nuclear bomb and elevator drops the two down to the vault.) You okay? (Lea looks at herself in a reflective surface and sees her hair is like the Bride of Frankenstein but quickly shakes her hair back to normal)

Lea Michele: Nothing I couldn’t handle. (The two walk down a hallway to entry door as James access the entry door.)

TLOTA: Okay, the ring and gem from the gauntlet are here. The locket is still in its case. So that leaves… ORAC!

ORAC: Yes James.

TLOTA: Send two messages to everyone. The first one is to let everyone know, the wicked has been unleashed.

ORAC: And the second (Show empty sword sheath.)

TLOTA(Audio only): The sword is in play!