Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Why do we allow trolling?

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and The views I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. (Cut to classic South Park intro then clips of the 20th season as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The recent season of "South Park" got me back into watching the series after they had attacked people with Autism and Aspergers' having been diagnosed with it when I was a teen and had a few good storylines going for it to bring me back to the series, one of them being Kyle's dad being a troll and what I had hoped that for his character would be to suffer all the indignities that would befall being a troll. But sadly apparently Donald Trump's victory over Hillary Clinton changed every storyline and forced the writers to apparently say being a Troll is okay. (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA: Uhhhhhhh NO! NO IT IS NOT ALRIGHT TO BE A TROLL! A troll is the lowest form of scum on the Internet! They should NOT get away with trying to force their thoughts and opinions and basically live off of hatred! I should know, I used to be one. I'd troll the Christy Romano message boards with no regard for the consequences. It wasn't until it was so too late that I realized I had become the lowest form of scum and I looked in the mirror one day and I said to myself, I HAD to be better than I was! I HAD to evolve from when I did, I couldn't keep doing this without hurting the people closest to me including my parents, my siblings and my nieces. I quit cold turkey and I decided then and there to better myself and since then I've tried to be better and worked hard to do so and while I did eventually become better and while my personal life has improved and my professional life is somewhat better. However I still see the fact some try to cater to that audience. (Cut to trailers of the DCCU as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And sadly it has made those who love movies and superhero movies suffer. I've seen from trailers in the DCCU still get nothing but hate. I still see comments without regard to filmmaker Zack Snyder every time I see the previews to "Man Of Steel", "Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice", "Suicide Squad", "Wonder Woman" & the pre-previews to "Justice League" hoping nothing but the worst for him professionally and personally and after his recent personal tragedy I and everyone else in the on-line world with a hint of human dignity showed Zack the proper decorum and human decency he deserved even Walter Banasiak who has played Zack in several of the Nostalgia Critic's reviews has shown decency towards the man  he portrayed because it was the right thing to do he said it himself "For the record, I know people like my impression of the man, but I hope you realize it was never a personal attack. Just because some of us disagree with how he portrays famous fictional characters doesn't mean there's any ill will towards him personally." end quote (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So why do we allow trolls to keep being trolls? When are trolls going to get that what they're doing is harmful to everyone's well being? (Cut to the Law & Order: Special Victims Unit episode "Real Fake News" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): A recent episode of "Law & Order: SVU" episode took a look at the harm of making fake news and trolling and how it harmed people and at the end of the episode the guy hides behind the claim he's a journalist! No, he made these stories probably just to get back for what he feels was lousy treatment at the restaurant and saw how someone in higher standing was treated better. Here's an idea, instead of making fake news hoping the people you hurt will treat you with respect, try to treat those who do things for others better including your take out order. Instead Lieutenant Benson played by Marishka Hargitay tells him he trolls anyone in her Unit or their children again and his life will end! While it does make Lieutenant Benson look stronger, it also could have a negative repercussion which for the patron who was a high ranking elected official ended in him being murdered in cold blood and the restauranteur's reputation undeniably ruined and what happens to the guy who started the whole mess? It's never known. It's possible he got charged with facilitating a murder but we never got that closure. For all I know he's still trolling and making fake news. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: There should be laws against trolling or at least if the trolling leads to irreparable damage to someone's livelihood and if there are, why aren't they doing anything to give the trolls what they deserve. (Cut to clips of "Douchey McNitpick" as he trolls The Nostalgia Critic as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): That's not to say I wish death on them, I just want them to hope they see that what they're doing is harmful to everyone around them and see the damage they cause and eventually try to better themselves.  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I do hope they try to see what they've been doing is harmful and realize it before it's too late and for those like Gerald Broflovski from South Park who calls what he's doing satire, No it is not. Satire reflects our society and holds it up to a comedic mirror with a positive light and makes fun of it, when it's done right. When it's done wrong it's what you do and Doing it for the LOLs does not make it right! No matter how you try to rationalize it. What Gerald did was not right. Don't do what Gerald did. Do what is right and for those who are now trolling because of Gerald, listen to the words of a former troll. One day you have to look at yourself in a mirror. Are you going to like what you see or are you going to come to the same realization I did. I hope you do come to the realization that what you're doing is wrong and you wake up. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and I'm a former troll.

Monday, May 15, 2017

"3 Tails", I lose!


(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Robo Knight Robo Morpher and punching in the code 428 from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Long sleeve Tee-Shirt with the American flag design on it, Blue cargo Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2016 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James morphing into his new suit for the first time, James getting slapped by Paulo, Mr. B Natural pop jump cutting into frame as James grabs Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid as they scream in terror, Traci Hines shooting the Double Barreled handgun, Everyone trying to stop Eliza Dushku from using her switchblade knife on an unconscious Spoony,  James blast jumps and Eliza rolls out of the way as an electrical pulse knocks out everyone else before cutting to the clip of The Moviebusters pulling out their Proton Pack blasters until the 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows the team line-up of the majority of 2015 walking towards the screen as the camera rises over to see the American Flag and James’ signal in the sky as before cutting to James as he jumps and pulls out a sonic screwdriver before cutting over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo & Brenda Fonseca, Andrew Beach, John Santos & Eric Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Ed Champion, Olivia Horvath, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James looking at the title before looking at the audience)

TLOTA: Really? Are you guys sure? I mean, You guys do realize that for me this is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. I mean it is not one of the best movies ever made! The only good thing I CAN say is that they put Effort into their endeavor and I mean this with all my heart, they tried! They tried so hard to do something good but HOOOOO BOY! I feel so bad ripping into this one! I Really do as a matter of fact… (Cut to James walking to the main lobby)

TLOTA: Hey guys if you want to…. (Cut to an empty main lobby) ORAC! Where did everybody go?

ORAC (Audio only): The rest of the team left a message for you on your tablet. (James gets his tablet before cutting to the screen of the tablet where Brenda is talking to James but in the background Paulo is grabbing fishing gear, Nick Yaun is grabbing his Golf Clubs, Rebecca Yaun is grabbing things she can get her hands on, John & Mike Santos are grabbing Gym Gear, Olivia Horvath, Ed Champion and Andrew Beach are grabbing weapons and Renee Miller is just doing goofy things until Brenda ends her message)

Brenda Fonseca: Hey James, listen if you’re wondering where we are we decided to take some time off. We’ll be back in time for the Anniversary review next month but for now we need some time away. We’re not ungrateful, far from it, it’s just that well… knowing how bad this Pila de mierda is, we figure you’re better off handling this on your own.

The rest (Off Screen): HURRY UP HE’S COMING!

Brenda Fonseca: ¡Nos vemos luego gilipollas! (Cut to James sitting on the couch in the main lobby)

TLOTA: So, I’m on my own this time! Unless… (James steps out of his site to go to the “Life As A Mermaid” YouTube Page and a video by Julia Alexa Miller telling people of their Patreon as James walks onto the video’s page and knocks on the video.)

Julia Alexa Miller: Oh, hey you’re…

TLOTA: James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans.

Julia Alexa Miller: Oh yeah, how’s it going James?

TLOTA: Not good there’s this movie I’m trying to avoid, you’ve got anything interesting?

Julia Alexa Miller: Uh, not until May 26th.

TLOTA: Oh, Okay, can’t wait for season three!

 Julia Alexa Miller: Well, you and your audience can help by supporting our Patreon, Link Here:  https://www.patreon.com/lifeasamermaid

TLOTA: Okay, well I’ll make sure the people who check this out will go to help, check you guys out May 26th! Later!

Julia Alexa Miller: Bye James! (Cut to James walking into a “James & Mike Monday” video.)

TLOTA: Say guys you’ve got anything interesting doing I’ve got a review of a movie I don’t want to do.

Mike Matei: Sorry but you’re on your own.

TLOTA: Okay, thanks, I guess. (Cut to James back in his office.)

TLOTA: Let’s do this. (Cut to “The 3 Tails Movie: A Mermaid Adventure” opening credit then clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I really, REALLY did not like this! I mean, there was effort put into this and you can tell everyone is trying their hearts out, bless them but yeah, this is worse than month old rotten Ceviche. The environmental message they try to convey is SO hap hazardously bad “Captain Planet & The Planeteers ” are looking and laughing at how lame it’s being done. Seriously “Manos: The Hands Of Fate”, “Birdemic”, “The Room”, “FoodFight”, “The Oogieloves” & “Jem & The Holograms” are looking at this and saying to themselves “We’re the Worst?”  and again, I DON’T want to sound like some old curmudgeon I tried in earnest to watch this movie and I really want to give the people the credit they deserve for trying and putting effort into this movie which is essentially an extension on a YouTube series and if you haven’t seen it, check that out BEFORE you see this movie. That way you know what you’re getting yourself into. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And since my back is against the wall, let’s dive into “The 3 Tails: A Mermaid Adventure” (Cut to movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As our movie begins we’re introduced to our heroines and forgive me if I don’t know their names because if the movie can’t bother to give us backstory and introduce us to the three properly then why should I know the characters’ names. Any who the three heroines played by Natasha & Sophia Garretón and their friend Marlena Lerner as they babysit a kid. (Show clip of the three of them babysitting a kid as they say they showed the kid “The Hunger Games” before cutting to James taking a spit take!)

TLOTA: NO! NO! NO! My youngest niece is Four at the time of this post! FOUR! EVEN I WOULDN’T SHOW HER “THE HUNGER GAMES” AND YOU SHOWED IT TO SOMEONE TWICE HER AGE?! (James puls out a notepad) Note to self: NEVER hire these three to look over my youngest niece! (Cut to movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So, after hearing THAT the three decide to take the kid to the park as one of the three think they may be watched and we can notice who is following them because she RIGHT FREAKING THERE! YOU HAVE GOT TO BE AS BLIND AS RAY CHARLES AND STEVIE WONDER NOT TO SEE HER RIGHT THERE IN FRAME BEHIND YOU! But the three have more pressing matters as they’ve developed a rash of scales in certain areas. Just be careful of the crabs! (Cut to James as an audience boos and James says, “OH COME ON! COME ON!” before cutting back to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But enough drama, it’s time for fun in the park which lasts about five, six seconds at best?  We then find the three find an eeeevil envelope! How do we know it’s evil because it’s as black as Metallica’s self-titled album cover! The kid’s brother picks her up and good freaking night the pace is as slow as a sea turtle on land. We soon see a Russian? Spanish? A housekeeper complains about how “Kids dress these days” and how one of the three is prepping to dress for the first day of school and… really is this part of the actual plot of a movie on Netflix? I’ve watched better plots from a Netflix movie starring Adam Sandler! (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA: I’m sorry, I’m so sorry for being this harsh but COME ON! GIVE ME SOMETHING! ANYTHING! (Cut to movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Well, okay tomorrow the three are going onto a field trip to an Aquarium. Even though it’d be the second day of school! I’m sorry but does your teachers’ administration board look something like this?  (Cut to James and his team dressed like they came out of the funny farm as James jumps in a circle guffawing, Rebecca and Nick Yaun waddle like penguins while saying Gnark! Ed Champion and Andrew Beach running head first into a wall, Olivia Horvath spinning around in an office chair, Paulo Fonseca, John Santos, Mike Santos tases themselves in the head, Brenda Fonseca, Eric Kurtzke and Renee Miller bonk each other in the head with rubber mallets for five seconds as crazy sound effects play in the background before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As the teacher tries to put some enthusiasm into the performances of the characters, GOOD LUCK ON THAT! They also hammer on their environmental message in the same way Shaymalan did in “The Happening” (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: AGAIN, I AM SORRY BUT IF I’M NOT HONEST WITH MYSELF THEN I’M DOING MYSELF A DISSERVICE BY JUST SAYING THEY’RE NOT DOING IT RIGHT! (Cut to movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So, it’s off to the Aquarium where we’re introduced to Aquarium Worker Stereotype number 35 who try to tell us that Kelp Forests are cool the movie officially out un subtle themselves so badly that “The Day After Tomorrow” is thinking these people are nuts!  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: AND AGAIN, I AM SORRY FOR ME BEING THIS BLUNT BUT IF THE MOVIE ACTS LIKE THIS, WHY CAN’T I? (James sighs) I need a break we’ll be right back! ha! WE’LL be right back! I forgot, I’m flying solo this time, there’s no one here but me and at least you my audience will be back I hope, Right?! (A Cursor tries to go for the X mark before James grabs a handgun and shoots it making the same dying and dropping noise in “Duck Hunt” and James picks it up making the successful bagging sound and action before cutting 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return to the movie while James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voiceover): During one point in the field trip one of our three heroines discovers she can summon fish like Aquaman, A security guard calls someone while green bubbling and smoking chemicals are behind the guy so the unsubtle meter is flying off the charts! We soon discover he’s working for an EEEVIL Scientist and how do we know he’s a scientist, he’s wearing a lab coat! But we soon discover that the stalker is coming in the middle of the night and instead of showing us this, they talk about it. As a matter of fact, everyone is starting to wonder what’s so special about them as I’m wondering where the freaking plot is! Well we soon see our three deciding to head up to a weekend beach house to relax and unwind and not tell their parents just try desperately to develop these characters but unless you’ve seen the web series this movie is based on you can’t develop these characters unless you know about the characters! And this is one of the problems I’ve had about this being an extension of a web series, not everyone will know about the show. They didn’t set up ANY time in the beginning of this movie to introduce us to our mermaid characters properly so newer audiences aren’t gonna know who the three are and what the situation is and bring everyone is up to speed. Oh well, after a great moment of the three being mermaids they head for land that night when the three are abducted. Let’s just say if the parents knew about it, they’d bring this guy in! (Cut to James dressed and sounding like Bryan Mills from the first “Taken” movie)

Bryan Mills (Played by James Faraci): I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills that I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let them go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you. (Cut to Dr. Insano)

Dr. Insano: Uh I just wanted to see if I could interest you in signing on as a subscriber to my “How to take over the world through the power of Science” monthly news periodical. All I said was “Is this the house of one Bryan Mills and if he would be interested in subscribing to my monthly periodical about How To Take Over The World Through The Power Of Science!” WHAT PLANET ARE YOU FROM? (Cut to movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The three are taken to a boat and kidnapped and one is forcibly transformed so they can take a DNA sample and if Mermaid blood looked like green apple jelly you know the budget is so low “Electra Elf & Fluffer” is looking and thinking “We’ve got better production value and we were Public Access!” (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA: AND AGAIN, I AM SO SORRY TO COMPARE THIS TO SOME OF THE STUPIDEST THINGS I’VE HEARD AND WROTE ABOUT, I AM REALLY, REALLY, REALLY TRYING MY BEST TO BE AS FAIR AS I HUMANLY CAN! BUT THIS IS AS DUMB AS FREAKING DUMB CAN GET! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And our heroines are so dumb that the one who is untied doesn’t think about untying her friends UNTIL they say something and plan an escape but NOPE! We see one of the two they didn’t extrapolate that green apple jelly Mermaid DNA finally use their brains to escape and eventually find someone with the brains God gave a sea slug to help them and get the freaking COAST GUARD. Meanwhile our Evil Scientist thinks he solved how the mermaid’s DNA works and for what end is his diabolical plan? A cure for paralysis so her daughter can walk and swim again or at the very least have a tail! (An audience goes Awww! Before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: And ONCE AGAIN I AM SORRY I CAN’T JUST UP AND SAY THIS MOVIE SUCKS AND BE ANGRY ABOUT IT AND TEAR IT APART! BECAUSE IT IS TRYING SO HARD TO BE BETTER THAN WHAT IT IS AND I FEEL SO TERRIBLE INSIDE IT’S GOING TO MAKE ME SICK!

TLOTA (Voiceover): I’m going to TRY and wrap this up as quickly as I can. After getting chewed out the one who escaped gets a call from the other two, the authorities arrest the female kidnapper, our three heroines help the little girl by making sure her Scientist father isn’t carted away and the movie ends with the one whose Mermaid DNA was taken gives an exposition dump and then a much better way to convey their environmental message without pretending to be a watermelon at a Gallagher concert! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And once again, I WHOLLY APOLOGIZE FOR MY HONESTY! But this movie stinks worse than rotten clams! (Cut to clips of the movie as James does a summery voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): While this is shot nicely, for the most part, the acting either comes off too bland and uninterested or too hammy. The environmental message is about as Unsubtly conveyed as it could get and if you didn’t know this was an extension of a Web series on YouTube then you will not get this movie at all! The only good things I can say about this movie is that it is thankfully short and they put all their effort and enthusiasm behind this project to the best of their abilities and their limited budget. But all the effort and all the best of meanings doesn’t make this a good movie. But do I think you should check it out at least once for giggles and squids? Absolutely!  Give this movie a watch and please applaud their trying to make a movie with an environmental message featuring mermaids that tried. Then go see “Life As A Mermaid” and ask for forgiveness! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and I’m sorry for being harsh on this movie and for those who worked on this movie who see this review please forgive me for being so harsh! (Fade to black before cutting to sometime later in main lobby as everyone came back to prep the props for his next anniversary review and a girl he met comes into the front door and looks around.)

John Santos: Can we help you?  (The girl jumps back a bit.)

The Girl: Uh yeah, I don’t know why but I felt I needed to be here. (Cut to James and Olivia as they chat about the rest of 2017 before James’ attention is drawn to the girl.)

TLOTA: Felicia?! Hey how have you been, it feels like it’s been forever! Oh guys, this is Felicia. Felicia, this is Paulo Fonseca and his wife Brenda, Nick Yaun and his wife Rebecca, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath, John and Mike Santos, Ed Champion, Eric Kurtzke and Andrew Beach. (Everyone else says either “Hey there” or “Hi” or “Hello”)

Eric Kurtzke: So how did you two meet?

Felicia: At the Dump, I had too much Garbage and James offered to help, he told me who he was and wondered if I would like to come by and see the place.

TLOTA: And I for one am GLAD you came by. Wait until you see ORAC and my time and space device. (James and Felicia walk away)

Rebecca Yaun: You know, I’m worried.

Paulo Fonseca: What about sis?

Rebecca Yaun: What do we know about her?

Nick Yaun: Well, only what James has said about her.

Brenda Fonseca: I know you and Paulo are protective of him as much as his parents and siblings are but aren’t you being a little over protective? He’s 35 and he deserves something.

Rebecca Yaun: Maybe. Olivia, did you sense something off about her?

Olivia Horvath: No, she’s seems like James’ fit.

Renee Miller: Rebecca, you were there when things fell apart for him so were we. All of James’ family pretty much left him to take care of his parents and what’s worse was when they flaunted what he wanted. The love of a good person, a family of his own to take care of, a career he can enjoy doing and a life of his own.

Rebecca Yaun:  Yeah but…

Mike Santos: Rebecca, we’re worried but we must trust his judgements. (Rebecca continues to look pensive as James and Felicia look in the back room and the two have a laugh.)

Friday, April 28, 2017

Just Add Water: My Mako Adventure: Introduction

(Opening starts off with shots of three teenage girls from "H2O: Just Add water" as they dive into the water as the scene changes to the Moon Pool on Mako Island as the three teenage girls come up as mermaids before cutting to three teenage mermaids and Zac Blakely falling into the Moon Pool from "Mako Mermaids" before cutting to Zac Blakely of "Mako Mermaids" in his merman form before cutting to an image of an island and a pod of mermaids outside of Mako Island as it cuts to a scene of James in a lounge chair and the words "Just Add Water: My Mako Adventure" above James all the while The Opening themes to both "H2O: Just Add Water" & "Mako Mermaids" intercut together before cutting to clips of both "H2O: Just Add Water" & "Mako Mermaids" intercut together as James does a voiceover)

James Faraci (Voiceover): I've always wanted to do a retrospect of a TV Series. However I wanted to do it on a series I'm familiar with. But with Linkara having done Power Rangers, Obscurus Lupa having done Charmed, My Blood Brother and best friend Chris Lee Moore The Rowdy Reviewer doing the Ninja Turtles, I could either set the bar low or do the best with something I can take.
THANK GOD FOR JONATHAN M. SHIFF AND HIS UNIVERSE OF MERMAID FANTASY SHOWS and from what has been rumored he's making a movie made in the same said universe. Whether or not it's reviewed here or as I do it as "The Last Of The Americans" is entirely up to how good or bad it is.

But I digress. Jonathan M. Shiff created two series about an island and mermaids, one in 2006 all the way through 2010 and the other one recently ending a mere DECADE after the first series began production though there are rumors that there is another season is in production as well the aforementioned movie but those are just rumors and hearsay and until I get the actual facts I'm only going on second hand facts and I hate that. I want the actual true story from EVERYONE involved and not just one story that maybe true and several that maybe false. But also I need to make sure I focus on what's important on this retrospect, the characters, the stories and the series itself. That is why you will NOT hear a lot of the behind the scenes stories until I get verification because when I get verification THAT is when I will go into the behind the scenes of both series with the  exception for a theory here and there.

Also, I will NOT be talking about the animated series that was released on Netflix either. But if I HAD to say something about it I will say that sadly the series itself was really not that good and the fact it was made by the same animation studio that did the animation on "Totally Spies" and is about as loosely based on the live action series as it could get outside of the reboots of "MacGyver", "Knight Rider", "The Bionic Woman" & "Charlie's Angels".

Plus, I will be honest about where the live action shows was good and where it went bad also how I feel I could've improved the series as well. In addition, this is a summer series! Meaning I will be talking about these series during the months of June all the way through September and I might not get to Mako Mermaids THIS YEAR I may talk about the first season if I can before September 21st because for me September 21st is the first day of Autumn. I will NOT tolerate questions of "When is the next one coming?" during the Autumn, Winter and Spring months especially while I have a lot on my plate. Keep in mind I do a monthly review and editorial as my workload, then there are the behind the scenes mishaps that occur while I do these monthly review and editorials also I need to have a life OUTSIDE of this. I take care of my parents, I tend a summer garden, I fish, and oh yeah, it's called trying to going out on a date or two.

AND FOR THE LOVE OF PEAT MOSS! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE! PLEASE AVOID SPOILING THINGS FOR ME! Please bear in mind I want to enjoy this as much as I can! Telling me what happens does not make it enjoyable to me, it becomes a very intolerable Chore! And should this project become a chore, I will be disinclined to continue doing this until I feel that it is NOT a chore plus, I'm in Semi unknown waters both literally and figuratively. These shows were made in Australia and it somehow found itself through the power of the internet becoming successful internationally that is rare especially for two series like this.

And one last note, I AM AWARE THAT I AM A MAN IN MY MID 30's TALKING ABOUT A SERIES MEANT FOR TEEN/TWEENS & KIDS THAT WAS PRODUCED IN AUSTRALIA.  Please understand at the time of this post, I have three nieces. One who is four years old and their twin sisters 10 years older than the four year old. I AM SO AWARE OF THE SITUATION, DEADPOOL LOOKED AT HOW AWARE I AM OF MY SITUATION AND HANDED ME A CHIMICHANGA AS A SIGN OF RESPECT! With all of that said, let's dive into the moon pool at Mako Island and talk about the first series "H2O: Just add Water"

Monday, April 24, 2017

The #WTFU One Year Later

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then cutting to James in his chair)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and those of the people I consider my friends, colleagues, comrades in arms, partners and most importantly people I call Blood Brothers & Soul Sisters. Around this time last year I was made aware of something that I was partly aware of. When I do a review, I am aware I will be in the crosshairs of the people who worked on the movie or series whether they be the directors, the writers, the producers, the actors, EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO WORKED ON THE SUBJECT OF EITHER MY VENOM OR PRAISE! But here's the thing the subject of my review I always try to be as fair as I can towards the subject of my review especially when certain things or performances in the movie are involved. No matter how bad or good the subject of my review! But when a moviemaker attacks the reviewer are different than what the person who made the movie and decides to go so far as to cause the reviewer to no longer be able to do a review that is an attack on freedom of speech as well as the livelihood of not just the one reviewer but ALL OF US! So what did we do, we made a hashtag that stands for "Where's The Fair Use?" and while a lot of us in the Internet Reviewerverse, myself included were realistic in our beliefs of what would happen, some people thought once this hashtag trended it would make news, it would let Hollywood know that we're here to stay, it would tell those in Washington DC that we had rights, that in some way it would legitimize us as a Viable source of thoughts on the world. Well let me say this, a trend on the internet lasts (Snaps fingers) that long if at all! And since it has been a year since the "Where's The Fair Use?" hashtag happened has anything that happened that the dreamers thought would have happened? Well there has been NO laws that prohibit Internet Reviewers to do their job though I'm sure as hell they tried to pass those laws and I checked and researched everywhere and as of this post I am still able to my job as much as The Nostalgia Critic can as well as Todd In The Shadows, Linkara, Rowdy, Every last one of us can still do our job. So if we can still do our jobs legally though I'm sure Hollywood would love for a law like that to pass. Why do you think Blip was bought by Disney? The answer, so it could be shut down and internet reviewers would've died out. But Washington D.C. is only a  third of the problem. My question is towards the other two-thirds of the problem, WHY IN THE HELL DOES YOUTUBE THINK THEY CAN STOP US FROM MAKING A LIVING? OR FOR THAT MATTER WHY IS HOLLYWOOD LOOKING FOR ANY LEGAL LOOPHOLE TO PREVENT US FROM DOING OUR JOB? And here's the thing I understand that YouTube and it's parent company Google is a business and they have to protect their assets, but they shouldn't be assaulting the people I call members of my family. Like as of recent when Linkara had his channel removed though technically through a glitch or because Walter Banasiak wanted to celebrate the Career of The Undertaker from WWE, that video didn't even make it to YouTube and Walter tried desperately to keep it in the legal limits that YouTube and they STILL refused to allow him to post itbut those two are just a sample of the multiple times when YouTube and Google have attacked us and there have been multiple times when fraudulent claims and strikes have been placed on them and most of the YouTubers, not gonna name names on the channels because guess what YouTube and your Draconian ways have shut them down for good because YouTube have left the decisions to bots that favor those who put the claims and strikes up ON the channel. I won't name names, but I will name and attack the ASSHOLES who have done a lot of their stupidity and I will slam YouTube. There was an incident a few months before the "Where's The Fair Use?" hashtag was brought into public infamous Schlockmeister Uwe Boll made an ASS out of himself on one of his Crowdfunding campaigns and decided that the fans were ungrateful for his work. It's not that, ASSHOLE! what it IS speaking the plain truth is the fact that while you have good ideas you don't execute them well AND that is where we have a problem and we suffer from your work! Then of course we have the ever continual back and forth between Tommy Wiseau and "The Nostalgia Critic" Doug Walker who was forced last year BY Wiseau to take down not only his Review of Wiseau's movie "The Room" but also a segment entitled "Shut Up & Talk" to be taken down on Channel Awesome's YouTube Channel only for a few weeks but I think, me personally both of them were forcibly taken down BY Wiseau because his hypocrisy was showing. Want to know why I think that? Simple I checked out the "Shut Up & Talk" segment after it had been reposted and guess what Wiseau said at the beginning of the segment. He said and I am quoting his insane ass "The reason I am doing because you know, I think people should understand that I am pro-freedom!" OH REALLY WISEAU?! IS THAT WHY WHEN THE REVIEW OF THE ROOM WAS POSTED ON CHANNELAWESOME.COM BACK WHEN IT WAS KNOWN AS THATGUYWITHTHEGLASSES.COM YOU THREATENED A LAWSUIT TO DOUG AND ROB WALKER, TO MIKE MICHAUD AND EVERYONE AT CHANNEL AWESOME YOU IGNORANT FREAKY FOREIGNER FROM PARTS UNKNOWN?! YEAH, IF YOU DON'T LIKE WHEN THE TRUTH IS SPOKEN ABOUT YOU THEN YOU KNOW WHAT YOU CAN KISS MY ASS! If it weren't for The Nostalgia Critic's review and Adult Swim's April Fool's airing marathon of your cinematic opus, I probably wouldn't have given your movie a second's thought! But I have watched your movie and I do not think it is a bad movie, nor is it a good movie, could've it had been better OH GOD YES! Could it have been worse? YOU BET YOUR ASS! But the fact I survived means that I can actually use your movie as a bar standard for me to totally do reviews! But the one filmmaker that has used YouTube to silence his critics because he thinks they are bullying him is Derek Savage! You claim that those who use your footage from your "Cinematic Opus" "Cool Cat Saves The Kids" and uses them under REAL fair use laws to openly and honestly say their honest opinions about YOUR work AND YOU CALL THEM "BULLIES"! It must be so fun being you isn't it? Saying that people who review movies as their profession who spent the money they could've used to pay their rent or mortgages, the money they could've spent on buying groceries or clothing or anything else spent their money on buying your movie and decided to be honest about your movie are nothing but "Trolls" & "Bullies"! Alright then Derek if you that's how you want to spin it. Then I suggest you listen to people who are NOT internet reviewers and for those who I am quoting please understand I tried in good faith and ability to contact you if I could quote you in my editorial please understand that & if I somehow misinterpret what you are saying about this movie then let me apologize right now to you. Now the ones from IMDB this first one I find particularly piquant saying quote " This film is an abomination. There is no movie making know-how - it's a badly made home-made movie. Apart from the awful acting, lack of discernible plot, terrible lighting, and clichéd dialogue, it's got terrible advice on bullying." end quote. Then there's this one and I quote "The movie is complete rubbish, and "Daddy Derek" has a paedophile complex. I would not poison my own children, or even the children of my worst enemy to this. The best you could've done is teach the brain dead little children in the film how to act, and maybe go over the script and plot in order for it to make at least some sense. Children don't need to be subjected to such idiocy, and I feel for any child forced to sit through this. Also, the fact that you use your disdain for criticism in order to silence somebody, who may be making very little money as a content creator, is sociopathic. Derek Savage should be ashamed, but obviously, he does not have the capacity for shame" end quote. Then there is this person's thoughts on your "Movie" saying quote "This movie is a prime example of why some ideas deserve to stay on the shelf and not have a movie. This so-called film is merely a collection of PSAs that are lazily put together and because of that I might as well watch some of the older PSAs made from the early 90's and late 80's since I could probably find more entertainment and educational value to them than this squabble. The titular character (a man dressed in a orange cat suit) is literally screaming all of his lines through the costume rather than having it dubbed in a studio like any sane person would and it comes off as both annoying and scary rather than "cool". The lighting is nonexistent; the acting from the children, the two d-list celebrities and Derek Savage himself can be described as either hammed-in or underplayed; the sound and music are both disjointed and pitiful, the sets are just a bunch of California houses with a variety of incredibly lame posters of Cool Cat taped everywhere, especially on top of framed pictures and various furniture. Of course this movie felt it necessary to have perhaps the worst green screen montage that I have ever seen. Not to mention the cheap quality merchandise that is sold at both eBay and Amazon for this flick, as well as at the Derek Savage website with what I can see has some rather questionable material that children might accidentally have access to and may not be suited for. Derek Savage clearly has no idea how children think and act and his sad attempt to create a Mascot for anti-bullying and other pressing matters seem to fall apart within every minute that you watch this garbage. There are way better PSAs out there that actually get the message across, unlike this pile of nonsense and if you value your sanity I'd advise that you and your children steer clear from this train wreak of a film." end quote. Then there's this one saying quote "One of the worst kids movies ever, crude, cheap, and terrible misguided messages. The director sucked at conveying anti bullying messages and used stereotypes to show the bully. Many editing mistakes could be seen. The music is out of sync for one half of the video. It was unbearably boring and pointless. Any kid who watches this will get the wrong idea about bullying entirely." end quote. Then there are the ones from Amazon.com like this one saying quote "If I can rate zero on these reviews that I would for this pile of garbage. Bad acting, non existent sound mixing, non existent lighting, plot that's all over the place and not to mention the bad reputation this movie has with its incompetent creator, director and Derek Savage. Avoid this mess and spend your money on something better." end quote. Then there's this one saying quote "The editing is akin to something I made in my freshman year of high school, the plot is all over the place, and to say the acting is bad would be TOO generous." end quote. Then there's this one "I watched this with a friend thinking it'd be so bad it's good, but it's barely even that." end quote. Then here's this person's thoughts were simple yet honest saying quote "Worst movie made for children ever made!" end quote. So the people who bought your film. The everyday people who should've used the money for food, heat, clothing, rent and or mortgage, a car payment, anything else that would've been useful in their everyday life who decided to spend the very little cash they have on buying your movie and they regret it. Are they Trolls? Are they bullies who don't understand your Artistic vision? Or are YOU the bully for forcing people with opinions, with honest beliefs and regrets about your movie NOT to criticize your movie. I only saw clips from reviews of your movie and that was more than enough for me as a grown man with three nieces to make an informed, intelligent and honest decision NOT to buy it because I believe it would've insulted their intelligence, my intelligence and intelligence in general. Now I know what many of you are wondering, "What led me to act this way in an editorial? Why am I so angry? What is James thinking for a solution if hit thoughts believing "Where's The Fair Use?" hashtag isn't going to work and What else does he have to say?" Well here are the answers. As for why I did this editorial this way,  For me the straw that broke my back was the Linkara/YouTube incident, I could inundate everyone with images of my fellow internet reviewers being attacked but it doesn't seem to register. Why I'm getting angry is because I actively tried to hope that things wouldn't get this far but it apparently has to be this way. And to answer the last question, like I said The reason this whole "Where's The Fair Use?" hashtag trending thing is failing is because it is exactly that, A Trend. It's been close to 20 years since I last did the Macarena or worn pants around my ankles if I were to do that today I'd be laughed off the internet! The answer, in my opinion is to unionize every single Internet Reviewer. Let Hollywood and Washington DC know we are NOT gonna go away because they want us to. Washington and Hollywood KNOW that we are not a fad or a trend and why do I think we need to unionize? Let me explain it in terms I understand. I am an outdoorsman and I hunt for meat and while I enjoy being in the outdoors, I don't hunt to make a species extinct, What Washington and Hollywood are doing is hunting us until WE are extinct and they pass laws to ensure the continuation of the sport and the continuation of the species, but I feel the more we sit back and accept it, the more of us are accepting that we need to be made extinct. I cannot sit back any more. Believe it or not as much as people loved to hear the Professional Critics on Morning Shows and read them on Newspaper, they now want to hear from guys like me, Brad Jones, Lewis "Linkara" Lovhaug, "Rowdy C" Chris Lee Moore, Doug "The Nostalgia Critic" Walker, James Rolfe "The Angry Video Game Nerd", Gus "The Nostalgia Kid" Webb, Noah "Spoony" Antwiler, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US WITH A CAMERA OR A KEYBOARD AND AN OPINION WHO ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT WHAT WE LIKE AND SEE WHAT WE CARE ABOUT BE MADE BETTER! BUT WE CAN'T DO THAT WHILE HOLLYWOOD AND WASHINGTON D.C. ARE TRYING TO MAKE US EXTINCT.  So to every Tommy Wiseau, Derek Savage and EVERY SINGLE STUDIO WITH A VENDETA TOWARDS US AND HOW WE REVIEW YOUR WORKS AND TO EVERY PERSON WITH A VENDETTA TOWARDS US, LET ME SAY THAT YOUR ACTIONS ARE POSSIBLY MORE VULGAR THAN ANY BAD REVIEW WE COULD EVER HAVE TOWARDS YOUR WORK OR TOWARDS YOU! SO ON BEHALF OF ALL OF US INTERNET REVIEWERS WHO HAVE HAD IT WITH EVERY SINGLE ACTION AGAINST US, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US WHO HAVE WATCHED AS ONE OF OUR BRETHERN FALL AT THE HANDS OF EVERY UNPROVOKED ATTACK BROUGHT UPON BY SOME JACK-ASS WITH THE BRAINS GOD DIDN'T GIVE A GOOSE AND THE ATTITUDE OF A TWO YEAR OLD ON A PERMANENT TEMPER TANTRUM BECAUSE SOMEONE TOLD THEM SOMETHING THEY DIDN'T LIKE! I SAY TO ALL OF YOU PILES OF TRASH WHOSE BRAINS ARE SET ON "I FLY DA CHOO-CHOO TRAIN",I SAY YOU CAN ALL GO TO HELL AND TRY TO CHANGE THINGS THERE BECAUSE WE'RE HERE TO STAY WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT WE'VE GOT OPINONS THAT SPEAK FOR THE PEOPLE WHO BUY YOUR PRODUCT AND FOR MANY OF THEM WHO REGRET BUYING YOUR PRODUCT INSTEAD OF SOMETHING USEFUL! I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion!

Monday, April 17, 2017

The "Power" of The Internet


(Scene starts with James at his office laptop)

TLOTA: Ah, the storyline is set and now to move on to the rest of 2017. (Cut to James deleting an old file)

TLOTA: Now onto Eliza and Traci’s farewell review. Which was in the file… that just got… (James starts to drop an F-Bomb before cutting to Traci & Eliza on the screen via Skype.)

Traci & Eliza (In Unison): YOU WANT US TO DO WHAT? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Come back, one day of filming for your farewell and Brenda, Ed and Andrew’s intro and that’d be it! (Cut Eliza & Traci on the Screen)

Eliza Dushku: It’s not that we’re ungrateful far from it, unfortunately the scheduling is gonna be a pain in the ass! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Look I know opportunities have come your way. But all I’m asking for is one day. I’m not asking for anything long term, maybe a cameo now and then if you can.  (Cut to Eliza & Traci on the screen.)

Traci Hines: But getting there isn’t as easy as it you think it’ll be. Besides we’ve got conventions, auditions and our own lives to think about. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: But it would’ve been funny seeing Traci suffer every single death Kenny endured on South Park and Eliza get hit with every death from Game Of Thrones only to have the both of you have a piano flatten the two of you like bugs! (Cut Eliza & Traci on the Screen)

Traci & Eliza (In Unison): IT’S NOT GONNA HAPPEN! (The two log off before cutting to James)

TLOTA: Great, now what am I going to do? Have me, Paulo, Rebecca, Nick, John, Mike, Renee, Eric and Olivia find…. (Cut to the main lobby as everyone discovers a disc.)

TLOTA: A video message left by Traci & Eliza! (Cut to the Television as Eliza & Traci’s message plays)

Eliza Dushku: Hey guys, By the time you see this, Me and Traci would have left for better pastures. But as one door closes another does open.

Traci Hines: And although we’ll be back when we can. We’ll remember all the fun we had. The Sketches we were a part of.

Eliza Dushku: The Star Wars Force Awakens analysis.

Traci & Eliza (In Unison): The Ghostbusters 2016 review.

Traci Hines: The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 2 review AND the Jem and The Holograms review

Eliza Dushku: Me discovering so much about you James and updating your suit.

Traci & Eliza (In Unison): Every memory of working with you guys.

Traci Hines: You guys are amazing and me and Eliza think the world of you guys. Thank you so much for letting us be a part of the experience and Eliza, you have anything else you want to say? (Eliza reaches for a piece of paper)

Eliza Dushku (Reading off the piece of paper): Should Traci or I suffer every single death from either South Park and/or Game Of Thrones and then have a piano squash us like bugs, don’t be surprised. (Cut to everyone on the couch)

Everyone: We won’t. (James shuts off the message)

TLOTA: So, Eliza and Traci are gone for good. I’m not deterred by it. (A door opens off-screen before cutting to the front door to see Paulo’s wife Brenda in the door.)

Brenda Fonseca: Hey Paulo, I thought you were gonna let El Pollo Loco gringo know that you were going to leave. (Cut to everyone on the couch)

TLOTA: WHY?! (Cut to Brenda)

Brenda Fonseca: He’s spending FAR too much time with you instead of me. (James gets up and goes to meet Brenda.)

TLOTA: Who are you?

Brenda Fonseca: I’m Brenda, Paulo’s wife. We met at all those parties you throw here. (James smacks himself on the forehead)

TLOTA: YES! Now I remember you, listen we’ve had some positions that just opened and I’ve been hearing about how much your husband misses spending time with you. How would you like to join our Motley Crew? You’ll get to spend more time with your husband, you’ll be able to meet new people and get to have some fun!

Brenda Fonseca: Let me think. (Brenda stands there for a second.) Okay, but just so you know Pendejo you get on my bad side and you won’t live to regret it. Comprende

TLOTA: Comprendo. (The Door opens as Brenda lands on James and her kneeing James in the po-pos as she gets up.)

Brenda Fonseca: Okay, who has the death wish. (Cut to Ed Champion and Andrew Beach holding each other as they cry in fear before cutting to James behind Brenda)

TLOTA: Ed, Andrew, how have things been for you guys? (Cut to Ed & Andrew)

Ed Champion: Oh, things have been rough. I’m in need of a job, so does Andrew. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Say no more, You two are in! (Cut to Ed & Andrew)

Andrew Beach: Sweet, The Old gang is back together! (Cut to James thinking to himself)

TLOTA: That’s RIGHT! The Band is Back Together! Circle Around and Nick, feel free to join us! (Cut to an overhead shot of James Faraci, John & Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, Ed Champion, Eric Kurtzke, Paulo Fonseca and Nick Yaun)

TLOTA (Audio as he puts his right hand in): James Faraci!

John Ross Santos (Audio as he puts his right hand in): John Ross Santos!

Mike Santos (Audio as he puts his right hand in): Mike Santos!

Andrew Beach (Audio as he puts his right hand in): Andrew Beach!

Ed Champion (Audio as he puts his right hand in): Ed Champion!

Eric Kurtzke (Audio as he puts his right hand in): Eric Kurtzke!

Paulo Fonseca (Audio as he puts his right hand in): Paulo Fonseca!

Nick Yaun (Audio as he puts his right hand in): Nick Yaun! (Cut to James’ face)

TLOTA: Together, we are New York born, Sullivan County Bound Heart & Soul and nothing will break the bond for we are NY4… (Cut to an overhead shot of James Faraci, John & Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, Ed Champion, Eric Kurtzke, Paulo Fonseca and Nick Yaun)

Every guy in the circle: FOR LIFE! WHOOOOOOO! (A Bolt of lightning supercharges them before cutting to James and the guys looking as the scene cuts to the girls with the thought of Bobbitizing them before cutting to the guys.)

TLOTA: OKAY, Ladies I understand you’re not exactly happy with what we did, so why don’t we get going and HIT…. (Eric, John, Mike, Nick, Paulo, Rebecca & Renee shout “NO!”) Aw Come on guys! (Cut to Paulo)

Paulo Fonseca: Every April, you say it like it means something. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: But it does, I mean was Olivia part of the show last year, I mean fully last year? She helped since August and Your Wife Now I remember was in the Cold Sketch before the intro of The Ghostbusters 2016 review and Ed and Andrew are starting today, so it is by technicality A New Intro! (Eric, John, Mike, Nick, Paulo, Rebecca & Renee begrudgingly say “Fine”) Thanks, Now HIT THAT AWESOMELY SUPER COOL NEW INTRO!

(Cut to A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Robo Knight Robo Morpher and punching in the code 428 from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Long sleeve Tee-Shirt with the American flag design on it, Blue cargo Jeans and Black Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2016 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James morphing into his new suit for the first time, James getting slapped by Paulo, Mr. B Natural pop jump cutting into frame as James grabs Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid as they scream in terror, Traci Hines shooting the Double Barreled handgun, Everyone trying to stop Eliza Dushku from using her switchblade knife on an unconscious Spoony,  James blast jumps and Eliza rolls out of the way as an electrical pulse knocks out everyone else before cutting to the clip of The Moviebusters pulling out their Proton Pack blasters until the 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows the team line-up of the majority of 2015 walking towards the screen as the camera rises over to see the American Flag and James’ signal in the sky as before cutting to James as he jumps and pulls out a sonic screwdriver before cutting over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo & Brenda Fonseca, Andrew Beach, John Santos & Eric Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Ed Champion, Olivia Horvath, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to a black screen that says in white text “Four Months Ago” before cutting to James, Paulo, Brenda, Nick & Rebecca in the Office Kitchen enjoying a bite to eat.)

TLOTA: You guys check out that Power Rangers Movie Trailer?

Paulo Fonseca: Yeah, it didn’t feel like the show we watched when we were younger.

Rebecca Yaun: And what about those suits?

Nick Yaun: Looked like Marks of Iron Man that even Tony Stark would’ve rejected.

Brenda Fonseca: Well, from what I heard they got some good casting choices. I mean Bryan “Heisenberg” Cranston as Zordon, Elizabeth Banks as Rita Repulsa and from what I’ve heard Bill Hader is Alpha 5. Plus, they are going to use Bryan Tyler for the music and they got Ashley Miller and Zack Stentz to write and the Director from Project Almanac to direct this one.

TLOTA: Well, I would like to try to see it. I mean I’m not so stuck in the past that I’m not willing to see a part of my childhood in a new light. I saw the 2016 Ghostbusters and I liked it fine and it didn’t take away my childhood love of the Movies and the cartoons I saw then and besides it’s not like Power Rangers isn’t due for an update. Who knows, it might be better than we give it credit for.

Paulo Fonseca: You sure have a lot of faith in this movie.

TLOTA: I’ve got to, it’s not like the Power Rangers attempts for the big screen can get worse than “Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie”. Not saying it was a bad movie but as a pilot for Power Rangers Turbo it could’ve been worse.  So, here’s hoping that the new Power Rangers movie puts the Rangers right where they belong, on the top echelon of Superheroes alongside the DC & Marvel Universe.

Rebecca Yaun: We hear ya! (Everyone in the office kitchen raises their drinks to cheer each other before fading to black and in white text are the words “Present Day” as it cuts to James as he enters to the main hall way where he’s intercepted by Olivia Horvath, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller with John and Mike Santos as they hold James at gunpoint before cutting to James looking as if he’s going to soil himself.)

TLOTA: Didn’t Rebecca pay you before she went to Texas with her husband, her brother, her sister in law, Andrew Beach & Ed Champion to give ORAC to help the Ninja Cats find Rowdy? (Cut to Olivia Horvath, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, John and Mike Santos)

Eric Kurtzke: We heard you went to see the Power Rangers movie. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: I just came back from watching it! (Cut to Olivia Horvath, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, John and Mike Santos)

Olivia Horvath: You do realize that there are people who hate this movie because it betrays everything done in the near quarter century Power Rangers have been about!

John Santos: That’s what’s pissing you off! We’re pissed that it is an insult to the loyalty of the history of Power Rangers! So much so we tweeted, facebooked, snapchatted and Instagramed you as the Anti-Christ you are! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: I think with everything going cuckoo for cocoa puffs I HIGHLY DOUBT ANYONE IS GONNA GO ON THE ATTACK ABOUT THE POWER RANGERS! (Cut to a building exterior with the words “Department of Social Justice” before cutting to an office where three social justice Champions played by Ed Champion, Rebecca Yaun & Andrew Beach are doing their daily trolling.)

Dax (Played by Andrew Beach): So, Kat, Troy anything new that we should be aware of?

Troy (Played by Ed Champion): More rioting, protests and extremist actions by the Anti-Trump movement including attacks on NYSEG!

Dax: Pass!

Kat (Played by Rebecca Yaun): More Political scandals!

Dax: Double Pass!

Troy: Someone thinking of reviewing the new Power Rangers movie… (The eyes of the three bug out of their head.)

Troy, Kat & Dax (In Unison): Someone thinking of reviewing the new Power Rangers movie! AVANTI!

(Cut to the outside of a church and the words “Holy Land Of Wasted Lives” as Gregorian chants are heard before cutting to a priest played by Nick Yaun chanting in Latin and tossing in names of actors, seasons and characters of Power Rangers tossed into the mix, and as The priest says “Heil Zordon” a nun played by Brenda Fonseca runs into frame.)

Sister Kimberly (Played by Brenda Fonseca): Forgive me Father Bulkmeier, but a friend of yours is here with disturbing news. Rabbi Skullovitch, if you’d please! (Rabbi Skullovitch played by Paulo Fonseca comes in with a smart phone in one hand.)

Rabbi Skullovitch: Thank you Sister Kimberly, Father Bulkmeier, if you would read the message on my phone and maybe we can deal with the Schmendrick, put him back in his place maybe?  (Father Bulkmeier looks at what’s on the Smart Phone)

Father Bulkmeier: OY GEVALT! If the congregation will excuse us, we have matters to attend to! (Gregorian chant is sped up as the three pray in their own way and shuffle off stage right before cutting back to James’ office.)

TLOTA: Now if you guys will excuse…ME! I’ve got a review to do!

Dax(Off-Screen): I THINK NOT! (Cut to Dax, Troy & Kat blocking the backdoor before cutting to James as Olivia Horvath, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, John and Mike Santos are in the background.)

TLOTA: Let me guess, Social Justice Champions? (The Social Justice Champions come face to face with James.)

Kat, Troy & Dax (In Unison): JAWOHL!  CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN NAZI SCUM!

Dax: And we are here to shut you down!

Kat: We will NOT let you review the new Power Rangers movie!

Troy: All because you will hate it, you’re an internet reviewer. It is your job to dislike everything.

TLOTA: I didn’t dislike the 2016 Ghostbusters movie. Besides I’m open to new interpretations of Power Rangers, why do you think I’m watching Ninja Steel and why do you think I watched the new movie?

Father Bulkmeier (Off-Screen): BLASHPHEMER!

Sister Kimberly (Off-Screen): HERETIC!

Rabbi Skullovitch (Off-Screen): GOYIM MENSCH MESHUGGENAH SCHMUCK HITLER BASTARD! (Cut to Father Bulkmeier, Sister Kimberly & Rabbi Skullovitch coming to James and everyone else.)

TLOTA: OH GOODIE! Father Bulkmeier and Sister Kimberly from St. Zordon’s Basilica and Rabbi Skullovitch of the Temple Beth-Eltar!  (Olivia and Eric jump to the religious sect)

Olivia Horvath: And they shall help you see the light. (Cut to James)

Eric Kurtzke (Audio only): For they shall set you straight for those who go against the word of the “Power Rangers” with the power of Shame!

TLOTA: Good freakin’ Grief! (Cut to The Religious Sect)

Olivia & Eric (In Unison): SHAME!

Father Bulkmeier, Rabbi Skullovitch, Sister Kimberly, Olivia & Eric (In Unison): SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! (Cut to James caught between the two sides as they look to collide)

TLOTA: EVERYONE HERE HAS GONE FRIGGIN’ NUTS! (James pulls out his Sonic Screwdriver) DELTA LEVEL DEFENSE! (A pulse of electricity hits everyone as James runs for his office.)

TLOTA: Initiate Alpha lockdown, Level Five! Authorization: Madison, Mallory, Vivian Lee! (Cut to John trying to get the door open with his Sonic Screwdriver but to no effect)

Troy: So, it appears he has locked himself in!

Father Bulkmeier:  GOOD! Then let us partake in the real war!

Kat: Oh Yes, The REAL war!

Olivia Horvath: Let the two online extremes collide in the ultimate battle!

John Santos: YES! The ULLLLLLLLLTIMATE BATTLE! (Cut to everyone on their tablets/smartphones texting and typing away!)

Sister Kimberly: I’ve sent you a nasty tweet!

Mike Santos: Here comes one nasty pic of your ugly backside in an Instagram!

Eric Kurtzke: Well, I’ll see your Instagram and raise you a Snapchat!

Dax: Here comes a Meme that’s a whopper!

Rabbi Skullovitch: Well here comes a tumblr & reddit that’ll send you back into your place! (Cut to James as he gets into frame in his office with his desk and laptop computer on one side and on the other side “The Letter”)

TLOTA: Well it seems I’ve come upon yet ANOTHER movie where everyone is so divided! (Cut to the Power Rangers 2017 movie logo before cutting to stills from the movie and recreated clips by team TLOTA as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Yeah, everyone has a point of view on the new Power Rangers movie. Whether it’s those who are religiously watching to this day to those who tire of real world politics and want to see simple good vs evil with easy dilemmas over a long story arc! And this movie wants to set up arcs and stories for future movies while re-telling the origins of the classic Mighty Morphin Power Rangers line-up. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I’ve seen this movie! (Muted Audio of the Religious sect shouting “SHAME!”) And I now must talk about it, this is “Power Rangers”! (Cut to recreated clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So, our movie begins with the Rangers in the days of the Dinosaurs, when the Green Ranger betrays the team and guess who is in the Green Ranger suit? (The Green Ranger pulls off the helmet to reveal the Old-School Rita Repulsa hat and head played by Olivia Horvath) WAIT A SECOND?! (Cut to James in his office)

TLOTA: RITA?! YOU’RE THE GREEN RANGER?! (Cut to recreated clips of the movie as overdubs Olivia Horvath’s characterization of Rita)

Rita (Played by Olivia Horvath but dubbed a half second out of synch by Amy Jo Johnson sounding like Rita from the classic series): WELL HOW ELSE DO YOU THINK I GOT THE GREEN POWER COIN IN THE ORIGINAL SERIES?! (Cut to James opening his mouth getting ready to say something before he thinks and nods.)

TLOTA: That makes sense. (Cut to clips of Rita and The Green Ranger in the old-school show and stills from the opening of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): We were never Privy as to how Rita got the Coin of The Green Ranger. For all we knew she helped Zordon back ten thousand years ago, before whatever happened to make her into the sorceress that wanted to destroy the Rangers so this does give Rita played by Elizabeth Banks  a good back story! (Cut to recreated clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But I digress, The Red Ranger decides that with the rest of the team nearly gone, he must sacrifice himself and The Red Ranger just so happens to be… (The Red Ranger reveals himself to be Zordon)

Zordon (Played by James Faraci): Alpha Five Do what you must to protect the Power Coins.

Alpha Five (In Suit by Renee Miller but voiced by Eric Kurtzke): But Zordon that could also destroy you and the Dinosaurs!

Zordon (Played by James Faraci): If you don’t think I know that then I’ll do it myself!

Alpha Five (In Suit by Renee Miller but voiced by Eric Kurtzke): Ay-Yi-Yi! I’ll do as you ask of me! Good Grief! (An explosion happens)

TLOTA (Voiceover): That explosion is what sends the Meteorite that killed the Dinosaurs & Zordon, buries The Command Center and send Rita down to the bottom of the Ocean. We then cut to the modern-day city of Angel Grove where Jason played by Dacre Montgomery and a group of his friends are up to some shenanigans which unfortunately leads to Jason winding up getting him placed in House Arrest & detention with Billy played by RJ Cyler & Kimberly played by Naomi Scott. In the middle of their Detention Billy decides to include Jason & Kimberly on a plan he has.

Billy (Played by Nicholas Markin): There’s this gold cave I saw and I want to explore inside of it.

Kimberly (Played by Brenda Fonseca): Uh hello, there was no gold in there even back in the day of Cowboys.

Billy (Played by Nicholas Markin): But there could be some form of material that we haven’t seen on the elemental table.

Jason (Played by Nick Yaun): If we go with you, will you be quiet for the rest of our time in here?

Billy (Played by Nicholas Markin): Okay.

TLOTA (Voiceover): Later that night, the three get to the cave and blow open an entrance which attracts the attention of two other teens Trini played by Becky G & Zack played by Ludi Lin.

Zack (Played by Antoni Matteo Garcia): Hey Trini get those other guys here from that guy’s explosion. I found these weird coin thingies!

Trini (Played by Rebecca Yaun): What are they? (Police sirens blare)

Jason (Played by Nick Yaun): No time to figure that out, here come the cops!

TLOTA (Voiceover): After evading the cops, crashing their ride and surviving, the next morning they discover they have superpowers and decide to return to the cave there they meet Alpha 5 voiced by Bill Hader and Zordon played by Bryan Cranston.

Zordon (Played by James Faraci): I am Zordon and… WAIT A SECOND! You five kids are now the Power Rangers? Now I know we’re up that proverbial creek sans a paddle, a boat and life preservers! Okay, I’ll make the best of it. Listen we have 11 days before a witch who was once a Ranger who betrayed the team named Rita Repulsa is back at full power and finds the Zeo Crystal. So, guess what You five have no choice but to train and become Power Rangers.

TLOTA (Voiceover): Meanwhile Rita escapes her frozen tomb!

Rita (Played by Olivia Horvath but dubbed a half second out of synch by Amy Jo Johnson sounding like Rita from the classic series): AHHH! AFTER 65 MILLION YEARS, I’M FREE! IT’S TIME TO CONQUER EARTH! BUT FIRST I NEED GOLD! (Turl from “Battlefield Earth” stands next to her)

Turl (Played by Paulo Fonseca): Well good luck getting these Rat Brains to get it for you. (Rita vaporizes Turl)

Rita (Played by Olivia Horvath but dubbed a half second out of synch by Amy Jo Johnson sounding like Rita from the classic series): I DON’T NEED YOUR HELP BUT I WILL GET THE GOLD AND THE ZEO CRYSTAL!

TLOTA (Voiceover): As their training progresses slowly for Zordon’s wants and the fact they haven’t morphed into their suits yet Zordon tries to get them to morph quickly by revealing the Zords to them. Zack takes his out for a joyride and the results aren’t good!

Jason (Played by Nick Yaun): GIVE ME YOUR COIN!

Zack (Played by Antoni Matteo Garcia): WHY?!

Jason (Played by Nick Yaun): We nearly got squished Monty Python Style! (Jason punches Zack, Zack accidentally punches Billy and Billy Morphs. Everyone cheer as Zack High-Fives Billy and everyone goes aww! Before cutting to The Command Center)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Feeling as if for every five steps forward the Rangers take, they take 500 steps backwards Zordon believes there’s only one option to take after he dismisses them for the day.

Zordon (Played by James Faraci): As soon as they can access The Morphing Grid I’ll use it to return to my corporeal form and finish Rita off myself. (Jason walks in after hearing that)

Jason (Played by Nick Yaun): YOU SELFISH AND DISRESPECTFUL SON OF A BITCH!

Zordon (Played by James Faraci): JASON! Uh, just how much of my funny April Fool’s joke did you hear!

Jason (Played by Nick Yaun): April Fool’s joke my ass! Just because we’re not going as fast as you want us to, it doesn’t mean we’re not trying.

Zordon (Played by James Faraci): Jason, you do not understand.

Jason (Played by Nick Yaun): NO, I DO! YOU’RE GONNA USE US FOR YOUR OWN SELFISH PURPOSES YOU BASTARD! YOU’RE POSSIBLY NO BETTER THAN THIS RITA WE SHOULD FACE. We’ll fight her, but we won’t help you.

(Cut to James in his office before a loud yet muted “WAIT!” by Father Bulkmeier is heard, before cutting to the outside of James’ office.)

Father Bulkmeier: That is sacrilege of the HIGHEST CALIBER! (Cut to James inside his office)

TLOTA: YOU DON’T THINK I KNOW? BELIVE ME I KNOW, I was watching the series since the preview episode in August of 1993!

(Cut to outside of the office when three voices off screen shout “SO DID WE!” as three fans dressed in Old School MMPR gear played by Gus Webb in a Green MMPR Ranger suit, Antoni Matteo Garcia in a Blue MMPR Ranger suit and Chris Lee Moore in a Black MMPR suit before cutting to James in his office.)

TLOTA: Just when I thought I’ve heard and seen EVERYTHING! PURISTS! (Cut to the purists.)

Purist “Tommy” (Played by Gus Webb): This movie doesn’t even do the origin right!

Purist “Jason” (Played by Antoni Matteo Garcia): Zordon SPECIFICALLY chose the five!

Purist “Billy” (Played by Chris Lee Moore): AND they chose originally NOT to serve until the Putties went on the attack! (Cut to Religious sect)

Father Bulkmeier: They do not speak for myself, Sister Kimberly nor do they speak upon the behalf of The Good Rabbi from Temple Beth-Eltar. (Cut to the purists)

Billy: Oh, the religious sect! YOU GUYS KNOW THAT THE 1995 MOVIE DOESN’T COUNT IN CONTINUITY WITH THE REAL FRANCHISE LIKE WITH “Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie”! (Cut to the Religious Sect)

Rabbi Skullovitch: OH, so you goys want the UNOrthodox denomination! They don’t believe the 1995 movie exists either! (Cut to the entryway into the second hallway as The Captivating Christian stands in there.)

Chris T. Ian: Now that’s not true! We believe the movie exists, we believe it was a good alternate reality version of the Ninja Quest, it’s just that we do not believe it is the word of the Power Rangers (Cut to Religious Sect)

Sister Kimberly: You’re about as authentic as the “Tattooed Teenage Alien Fighters From Beverly Hills” Witnesses!

(Cut to Captivating Christian)

Chris T. Ian: Well at least we’re more authentic than the Power Rangers of the Disney Day Saints!

(Cut to purists)

“Tommy” & “Jason” (In unison): YOU GUYS GOT A GUINEA PIG IN A RELIGION!

(Cut to everyone arguing before cutting to The Captivating Christian)

Chris T. Ian: Operation Overdrive! Even I don’t acknowledge them! (Cut to everyone arguing again as it cuts to James sighing in his office as the audio of the argument before pulling out a bottle of aspirin and a bottle of Martinelli’s)

TLOTA: I need a break whilst I pray for humanity, intelligence and sanity! We’ll be right back!

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return to the reenacted scenes of the movie while James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Feeling betrayed by Zordon, Jason storms off to where everyone else is camped out for the night outside of the command center and to this movie’s credit there is a bit of good character development and we get some discoveries on the Rangers personally.

Billy (Played by Nicholas Markin): I’m autistic and I like making things explode.

Zack (Played by Antoni Matteo Garcia): I’m bilingual.

Trini (Played by Rebecca Yaun): I’m bi (Cut to James’ office door)

Dax: So, this is where you dislike about the characters of the Rangers will come into play, how different they are from their source material. (Cut to James in his office)

TLOTA: To be honest, I don’t mind these changes to the Rangers for two reasons. (Cut to stills of Power Rangers 2017 and the Original Five Rangers as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):  First off, the Rangers in the series weren’t bad as a matter of fact they became Iconic for a reason. But I feel I must take off the Nostalgia Filter for this one. Because for all intent and purposes the Rangers personalities were pretty basic. Jason was the stoic leader, Zack was The Fun-Loving Guy, Billy was the brains, Trini was the best friend and could translate Billy’s Scientific Jargon and Kimberly was the stereotypical 90’s teen. Not saying it was a bad thing it’s just that’s what Teens with Attitude were like back then. But here the need for “Attitude” has changed and Attitude plus Personalities working for what is needed for the new Power Rangers worked in this movie’s favor.

(Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And secondly, this one is important so uh… (Cut to the door)

Dax: Dax! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Dax, Okay are you at the door? (Cut to Dax)

Dax: Yes! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Good, put your ear up to the door. (James gets up and grabs a bull-horn)

TLOTA: SHUT UP DAX-HOLE! (Dax jump shocks back and falls before cutting back to the reenacted scenes of the movie while James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voiceover): After getting back home Trini is greeted by an unwelcomed guest. (Rita pops in and attacks Trini)

Rita (Played by Olivia Horvath but dubbed a half second out of synch by Amy Jo Johnson sounding like Rita from the classic series): LISTEN, YOU WILL BRING YOUR FELLOW RANGERS AT THE DOCKS OR ELSE!

Trini (Played by Rebecca Yaun): Or else what… (Rita choke slams Trini with one hand then decides to “Chomp down” on her south of the Mason Dixon Line and Trini shout “AAAAAAAAAAAAAWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGAH!” Before cutting to James looking disturbed)

Kat (Muted audio only): You only think it’s disturbing that because you’re a Conservative Republican and as the Mainstream News Media outlets and Samantha Bee have let us know that Republicans are Nazis & Trash like yourself need to be eradicated!

TLOTA: SHUT UP!  I wasn’t disturbed by the fact that Rita did that but by the fact she was so competent in this plan. (Cut to stills from Rita in the classic series and Rita played by Elizabeth Banks in the 2017 movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As much as Rita in the original series had the odd victory against the Rangers especially in the first and second Season especially when the producers decided to have Rita marry Lord Zedd the two of them became even more successful as the third season of the original series went on but that was usually two times out of eight because The Rangers had their backs so close to the wall and were literally optionless! But here the new movie Rita shows some competence by attacking the Rangers or at least one of them on a level that she never did in the series. She attacked them as people with their own foibles and desires. That doesn’t mean she didn’t discard everything about Rita. She just brought her own sensibilities to the character and for the most part it was okay but as an old-school fan she left me feeling disturbed.

(Cut to recreated clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Especially when Rita’s plan works so efficiently when the Rangers are caught, Billy is forced to spill he found the Zeo Crystal under the Krispy Kreme and is KILLED by Rita! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: That’s right! Rita Repulsa killed a Ranger! (Cut to recreated clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So, after they mourn, the Rangers ponder what to do as Jason tells everyone what he discovered.

Jason (Played by Nick Yaun): We can’t let Rita get her hands on the Zeo Crystal but we can’t let Zordon get it either!

Trini, Zack & Kimberly (In unison): Why? (Cut to the Command Center)

Zack (Played by Antoni Matteo Garcia): Just when we thought we could trust you, you plan on reviving yourself once we get the Zeo Crystal and unlock the Morphing Grid?! YOU WALTER WHITE WIZARD OF OZ qīng wā tuó fēng gǒu niáng yǎng de

Zordon (Played by James Faraci):  Zachary, I don’t know what you’re talking about!

Trini (Played by Rebecca Yaun): Jason told us how once we had the Zeo Crystal you would use it to resurrect yourself, so you could destroy Rita yourself because heavens forbid we aren’t as great as the Rangers from when you were The Red Ranger!

Kimberly (Played by Brenda Fonseca): And I know we’re supposed to beg you to help us save Billy who died protecting us, but now after hearing that bit of news I don’t think YOU should have the Zeo Crystal either.

Zordon (Played by James Faraci): Kimberly, I would have done that because I feel you aren’t ready yet and after becoming what I have become, I said to myself I would never allow people who aren’t prepared to handle the power to take on the fight I started and I must finish.

Jason (Played by Nick Yaun): Listen, we found the Power Coins, we learned about the power, what we haven’t learned is for you to trust us to do what we can to save our city, our state, our country, our world and we can’t morph yet SO WHAT?! We’ll finish what you started but you have to trust us to do what we must to do our duty and we PROMISE you WE WILL do our duty to save it all! (00:59-2:13 of “The Great Power” by Graeme Revell plays in the background as The Morphing Grid is activated)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As the Rangers make that impassioned promise to Zordon, The Morphing Grid activates and Zordon sacrifices his chance to resurrect himself to save Billy! (Everyone cheers as Billy is brought back from the Dead and Hug and cry as they happily welcome Billy back! Before a loud “HEY!” audio is heard before cutting to outside of James’ office door)

Purist “Billy” (Played by Chris Lee Moore): ZORDON WASN’T SO MUCH OF A DICK AS EVERYONE MADE HIM OUT TO BE!

Purist “Jason” (Played by Antoni Matteo Garcia): True, Zordon would never have been that callous and cold.

Purist “Tommy” (Played by Gus Webb): And for the Rangers to chew him out and then promise to save the Earth is just wrong for them to do just to revive Billy and activate The Morphing Grid! (Cut to James in his office Purist “Tommy” continues to ramble on about The Morphing Grid through the door as James looks outside and sees the Purists are on the door and James hits the door and The Purists feel the punch and collapse before cutting back to the reenacted scenes of the movie while James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So, The Rangers activate The Morphing Grid and Rita is just outside The Krispy Kreme and of course IT… IS… TIME! (The Camera zooms a quarter of an inch away from Jason’s face)

Jason (Played by Nick Yaun): IT’S MORPHIN TIME! (Cut to the new Morpher as it powers up before cutting to a close-up of the center of the Morpher as it matches the color of the ranger shouting their power)

Zack (Played by Antoni Matteo Garcia): MASTADON!

Kimberly (Played by Brenda Fonseca): PTERADACTYL!

Billy (Played by Nicholas Markin): TRICERATOPS!

Trini (Played by Rebecca Yaun): SABER-TOOTHED TIGER!

Jason (Played by Nick Yaun):  TYRANNOSAURUS! (Zoom to Jason’s head as it morphs to the 2017’s Red Ranger’s helmet before cutting to the team taking flying jumps over the camera before landing and the camera zooms back to see the team and posing in their suits.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So, Rita sends in her putty patrol to take on the Power Rangers and I’ve got to admit the action is on par with the classic series as to how The Power Rangers fight them off. And while yes, the Rangers’ suits look like Iron Man Rejected Marks with Helmets that look more like Jackson Pollack designed them I must admit they’re a step up from the suits in the Classic Series but a Step Down from the 1995 movie! (Cut to James physically)

Purist “Tommy” (Off Screen and Slightly muted): THAT MOVIE IS NOT IN CANNON WITH THE FRANCHISE YOU DISRESPECTFUL PILE OF GARBAGE!

Father Bulkmeier (Off-Screen and Slightly muted): BLASHPHEMER!

Dax (Off-Screen and Slightly muted): NAZI REPUBLICAN!

Rabbi Skullovitch (Off-Screen and Slightly muted): SCHMENDRICK!

TLOTA: SHUT UP! (Cut to recreated clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As the Power Rangers try to get to Rita, Rita finds the Zeo Crystal and then…. (Rita takes a bite out of a doughnut seductively before cutting to James physically looking disturbed)

TLOTA: Thanks Rita I may never enjoy another doughnut again! (Cut to recreated clips of the movie after Rita finishes her bite of Doughnut)

Rita (Played by Olivia Horvath but dubbed a half second out of synch by Amy Jo Johnson sounding like Rita from the classic series): OH WHAT! IT’S NOT LIKE I WAS DOING THIS! (Rita sticks and licks the inside of the hole of the doughnut and making BL-BL-BL-BL sounds before cutting to James as he begins to look sick then cutting back to Rita) AND I SURE AS HELL WASN’T FISTING THE DOUGHNUT, LIKE SO! (Cut to James as his cheeks start to puff up as Rita makes grunting noises before cutting to Rita with a doughnut hole pearl necklace) AND I ESPECIALLY DIDN’T DO A PEARL NECKLACE AND DO THIS! (Cut to James as he gets his barf keg and Rita makes chomping sounds then blows chunks before cutting to recreated clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So, after that Rita summons someone familiar to fans of the Power Rangers! (Goldar arises and is played in suit by Eric Kurtzke) That’s right, it’s Goldar and he looks more formidable in the show then here but then…

Rita (Played by Olivia Horvath but dubbed a half second out of synch by Amy Jo Johnson sounding like Rita from the classic series): MAGIC WAND MAKE MY GOLDAR GROW! (Goldar grows to his humongous size!)

Power Rangers (In unison): WE NEED DINOZORD POWER NOW! (Cut to Alpha in the Command Center)

Alpha Five (In Suit by Renee Miller but voiced by Eric Kurtzke): One set of Zords right away! Oh, while you’re in the area, can you get some doughnuts?

TLOTA (Voiceover): The Rangers attack Goldar in their Zords and to be fair the use of The Zords are much better than the ones in the series. (Cut to images of the original Zords and the Zords in the 2017 movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Because when you look at the original series the Zords they were very seldom singularly used for an attack, in fact 9 times out of 10 they were just smaller parts of the Megazord! But in the new movie they DO attack individually and to various degrees. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But I’m sure you’re wondering how could the Rangers be so quick to know how to pilot them. The answer is simple. They’re on instruments! (Cut to a five-way split screen as we see the Rangers doing Dixieland Jazz music in the cockpits of the Zords before cutting to James as he hears a Chorus of Boos!)

TLOTA: Come on it was a Hail Mary, I had to try! (Cut to recreated clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But it appears Goldar got the best of the Rangers and tosses them down a crevice and it looks like Rita has won until… (The Megazord is played in suit by James Faraci before cutting to The Megazord cockpit)

Power Rangers (In Unison): MEGAZORD! POWER UP!

Rita (Played by Olivia Horvath but dubbed a half second out of synch by Amy Jo Johnson sounding like Rita from the classic series): NO WAY WILL YOU RANGERS DENY MY WIN! (Rita jumps into Goldar)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As the battle rages on I can honestly say this battle is quite awesome, especially when The Power Rangers in the movie never did in the series. They flat out END GOLDAR! (Cut to the Cockpit of The Megazord)

Power Rangers (In Unison): POWER SWORD NOW! (The Megazord grab the Power Sword before cutting to The Cockpit of The Megazord)

Jason (Played by Nick Yaun): Time to unleash a gold rush! (The Rangers Kiya and The Megazord slices and destroys Goldar! (The Power Sword slash Goldar and destroys him then Rita comes out of the Rubble of Goldar before cutting to Jason and the Rangers in the Cockpit of the Megazord)

Jason (Played by Nick Yaun): It’s all over Rita! Surrender and face Zordon’s judgement! (Cut to Rita floating in the air)

Rita (Played by Olivia Horvath but dubbed a half second out of synch by Amy Jo Johnson sounding like Rita from the classic series): NEVER! TAKE THIS! (Rita tries futilely to attack the Rangers in the Megazord before cutting to the Cockpit of the Megazord)

Jason (Played by Nick Yaun): Rita, we’re in a Megazord, you didn’t think this out thoroughly, didn’t you?

 (Cut to Rita floating in the air)

Rita (Played by Olivia Horvath but dubbed a half second out of synch by Amy Jo Johnson sounding like Rita from the classic series): I…. (The Megazord strikes a Seriously pose? Before cutting back to Rita again)

Rita (Played by Olivia Horvath but dubbed a half second out of synch by Amy Jo Johnson sounding like Rita from the classic series): GUESS NOT! OOPS! (The Megazord backhand swats her away as Rita screams)

Rita (Played by Olivia Horvath but dubbed a half second out of synch by Amy Jo Johnson sounding like Rita from the classic series): I’LL BE BACK IN THE SEQUELS! YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE LAST OF ME! (Rita continues to scream as her voice continues to fade away with the last audible words out of her being “I have a headache!” before a blink of light goes “TING!” before cutting to the Power Rangers being cheered by a grateful Angel Grove population)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So, Rita is defeated, the Rangers are hailed as heroes.

Amy Jo Johnson: Me and Jason David Frank have a Cameo for a hot second!

Jason David Frank: And the movie ends with The Rangers returning to their ordinary lives as it sets up the actor or maybe actress to become the next Green Ranger aka my character Tommy Oliver!

(Cut to everyone outside of James’ office)

John & Mike Santos and Renee Miller (In Unison): GENIUS!

Olivia & Eric (In Unison): SACRILAGE! (Everyone starts arguing and the Purists chanting “RANGER POWER!” before cutting to James as if he is about to leap out of the office and attack them all)

TLOTA: WHY IN THE NAME OF DANTE’S INFERNO IS EVERYONE GOING NUTTIER THAN A NUT GOODIE OVER A MOVIE?! (Two voices in the background say, “We’re the Reason!” James turns around as the camera cuts to Michael Bay played by Andrew Beach and Zack Snyder played by Paulo Fonseca before cutting to James)

TLOTA: SNYDER! BAY! HOW DID YOU GET PAST THE DEFENSES! (Cut Michael Bay & Zack Snyder)

Zack Snyder: That doesn’t matter guy, the reason we’re the reason is because Dean Israelite and Haim Saban stopped us! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: That is a good thing! I’ve been seeing what the two of you could do on your own. What with what you’ve done with the Ninja Turtles and Transformers Bay and then there’s you Zack, I am now forced to watch DC Movies at home instead of the theaters. I want to enjoy movies not have to hear everyone boo and tear it apart. (Cut to Snyder and Bay)

Michael Bay: But don’t you know of the Prophecy! We are the two of the film makers of the Cinematic Apocalypse! (Cut to James)

TLOTA (Sounding incredulous): What? (Cut to Snyder and Bay)

Zack Snyder: For you see it was written in the Scrolls of Shaymalan that Cinema is an art form that eventually must die and it must be at the hands of Children’s memories of Movies and They must destroy all that children of the past enjoyed. By making decisions about characters that destroys everything you remember from the past and what made you enjoy the stuff you liked as a child!

Michael Bay: And when the dust from the wars from the fans and movie makers settle, everyone will settle for the bottom of the barrel when it comes to true cinema and the characters they will be as bland as cardboard and as lifeless as mannequins!

Zack Snyder: And the masses will enjoy it because they have no choice. The classics will be sacrificed at the hands of studios to give our movies high financial returns and… (Cut to James)

TLOTA: I’ve heard enough. Delta Level Defense! (Zack Snyder and Michael Bay get zapped before cutting to James stopping the argument.)

TLOTA: Listen up, it’s not you or the movie, it’s Hollywood! It’s trying to strangle the creativity out of movies and our childhood memories, then leave us with bland and unimpressive work. (A voice says, “James is right” before cutting to Amy Jo Johnson and Jason David Frank then cutting to the Religious sect.)

Father Bulkmeier (Played by Nick Yaun): It is they! Amy Jo Johnson and Jason David Frank!

Rabbi Skullovitch (Played by Paulo Fonseca): THE HOLY COUPLE! (Cut to Amy Jo Johnson and David Frank)

Jason David Frank: This new movie is not the source of evil as everyone on line is making out to be.

Amy Jo Johnson: It is what movies need to be right now.

Jason David Frank: With all the big budget Marvel movies now following the “Captain America: Civil War” movie criminalizing being a hero and DC Movies being a gigantic clusterbank of dark and wrong ideas. What is so wrong about trying to find the middle ground? That is where Power Rangers is.

TLOTA: Love for the fandoms or eternal war. The choice is yours. (Cut to everyone as they look at one another before they get back to arguing before cutting to James, Amy & Jason heading to James’ office.)

TLOTA: I Really don’t know how much it’ll take before everyone getting back to normal without me unleashing hell on everyone.

Jason David Frank: James, Stand before me. (James turns around to be face to face with Jason David Frank) A true Power Rangers Fan stays true to the Franchise through its ups and downs. The fact you have sat through nearly 900 episodes prove you are loyalty to this franchise and the fact you are honest makes you true to yourself and the Power Rangers.

Amy Jo Johnson: And truth be told NO Power Rangers Fan likes Operation Overdrive.

Jason David Frank: James, you don’t need to go too far. You can take care of it with the power inside and not have to go to a place where you think you annihilate everyone.

TLOTA: You’re right Jason. But I’m not going to need that power. I need someone, a more powerful Power Rangers fan who can handle the mess and I know who that is. (Cut to everyone arguing as James opens the door.)

TLOTA: Okay everyone, LISTEN UP! YOU GUYS WANT TO TAKE ON THE STORM? Well then here comes the F-5 Fury! I SUMMON THE LOVHAUG! (A Bolt of lightning come through the building as a person in full Green Ranger gear including the helmet appears stopping the arguing then The Green Ranger removes his helmet to reveal Linkara.)

Father Bulkmeier: It is he! The Sainted Historian!

Rabbi Skullovitch: In our tongue, he is named “Linkara”! (Cut to Linkara as he begins to nitpick all the things he has found wrong in Power Rangers and the audio reverberates causing the lights to blow and as Linkara continues The Social Justice Champions, The Religious Sect, The Purists, Michael Bay and Zack Snyder all start to feel differently as they see all the energy exuding from Linkara as The Religious Sect, The Purists, Michael Bay, Zack Snyder and The Social Justice Champions begin to feel their molecular structure disintegrate under the pressure before Linkara unleashes his full fury as James barricades himself in the office with Amy Jo Johnson and Jason David Frank. Olivia, Renee, Eric, John & Mike are rendered unconscious before Linkara shouts “AND WHY IN THE HELL DID IT TAKE BLACK CANARY SIX MONTHS TO REACH GOTHAM IF SHE WAS INSTANTLY INSPIRED BY BATMAN!?!” before cutting to The Religious Sect, Social Justice Champions, Purists, Michael Bay & Zack Snyder as they scream and explode! Cut to a few minutes later as James, Jason & Amy step out to see everyone who survived.)

Eric Kurtzke: Whoa! Everyone okay?

Olivia Horvath: I feel more level headed!

John Santos: It’s almost like every negative influence has dissipated!

Mike Santos: It feels like I can see better than I did before.

Renee Miller: It could be because Linkara used some sort of energy that came from him to destroy all that negativity! Seriously! Look around! (Olivia, Eric, John, Mike & Renee look around to see the carnage before cutting to Linkara, James, Amy & Jason)

TLOTA: Now that everyone has calmed down, I can now honestly say what I think of the movie. I thought the movie was…. good. Not bad, not awful, not the worst movie I’ve ever seen, not the best movie I’ve ever seen, not great just good. (Cut to Olivia, Eric, John, Mike & Renee)

Eric Kurtzke: But that doesn’t fit either side.

John Santos: Well that’s neither here nor there since Linkara wiped all of them out. (Cut to Linkara, James, Amy & Jason)

TLOTA: I get what Eric is saying John and you know what, I can do that because I consider myself a HUMAN BEING BY HAVING MY OWN THOUGHTS! (Cut to stills of the new Power Rangers movie, the classic Mighty Morphin Power Rangers & the J.J. Abrams reboot of Star Trek as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Believe it or not, I had been thinking of this reboot since I saw the start of the Kelvin time lined Star Trek movie in 2009, it was when Disney had given up on Power Rangers. I wanted it to have the feel and style of it and yet not be a complete carbon copy of other Childhood rebooted movies. Did I get that? Yeah, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t fail in certain areas. Some of the computer designed characters like Goldar didn’t exactly make me say “OH MY GOD GOLDAR IS A THREAT!”  but that is a minor detail. Where it succeeded was when they were doing something unique and different. I liked how much they acted like real teenagers with real attitude and that is where the actors from this movie pay homage to the classic characters but the difference is in the attitude. In the 1990’s the attitude was different from the ones in the new movie. The ones from the classic series had an attitude but a bit less jaded, in the new movie you can tell the attitude was a bit more jaded but they had to connect to the classic fans and newer ones. Did they do that? Not well enough to my liking but the fact they connected the way that they did make a connection kind of works in the movie’s favor. Do I suggest you see it in the theaters? HELL YES. Do I think you should purchase it on Blu-Ray, DVD & Digital HD Download? That I’ll leave to your discretion. Check the movie out and if you enjoy it, good for you. If not, I won’t hold it against you. (Cut to Olivia, Renee, John, Mike & Eric)

Olivia Horvath: Well since you put it that way I kind of admit the new movie isn’t as socially bad as everyone makes it out to be.

John Santos: The action wasn’t as bad ass as it should have been but it wasn’t at the levels of something those trapped on the Satellite of Love would mock for jollies.

Renee Miller: But can we all agree on the fact that Krispy Kreme Doughnuts are awesome! (Everyone walks away in agreement before cutting to James, Linkara, Amy Jo Johnson & Jason David Frank)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans alongside Linkara, Amy Jo Johnson and Jason David Frank here to let you know that as long you have the Power, be sure to use it wisely and it will protect us all!

Jason David Frank: And know this, when everything is against you don’t fear up!

TLOTA, Linkara, Amy Jo Johnson & Jason David Frank: POWER UP!

(James, Linkara, Amy Jo Johnson & Jason David Frank do a heroic pose before cutting to hours later as James cleans up the mess with Linkara)

TLOTA: Thanks for helping clean up the mess!

Linkara: Well, I made it, might as well take responsibility for it. (Skype rings are heard as James looks at Linkara)

Linkara: GO! I’ll handle this!

TLOTA: Thanks! (James rushes over to his office)

TLOTA: You got James, what’s up? (Cut to Paulo Fonseca, Nick Yaun, Rebecca Yaun & Brenda Fonseca, Andrew Beach & Ed Champion in Texas at Rowdy’s house)

Paulo: Hey there James! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Hey Guys, you gonna be back soon! (Cut to Paulo Fonseca, Nick Yaun, Rebecca Yaun & Brenda Fonseca, Andrew Beach & Ed Champion in Texas at Rowdy’s house)

Brenda Fonseca: We’ll be back at the end of the week. Oh by the way The Cats found a device outside of Rowdy’s house. ORAC scanned and noticed it was not made on Earth. Though after ORAC scanned and tried to figure out where it came from Cecil placed it back under lock & key in a safe.

Cecil (Offscreen): We can’t let it fall into the wrong hands! Besides we know what we’re doing! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Including to see if it was shut off. (Cut to Paulo Fonseca, Nick Yaun, Rebecca Yaun & Brenda Fonseca, Andrew Beach & Ed Champion in Texas at Rowdy’s house)

Perkins (Offscreen): D’OH!

Nick Yaun: I’ll fix it! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Now you said the device wasn’t made on Earth.  Brenda, was the technology based on Earth technology? (Cut to Paulo Fonseca, Nick Yaun, Rebecca Yaun & Brenda Fonseca, Andrew Beach & Ed Champion in Texas at Rowdy’s house.)

Brenda Fonseca: Yeah as if it was salvaged from a Satellite escape pod. Why did you ask if you knew it was Earth based Technology? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: I didn’t. ORAC had left me a note before he left with you guys down to Texas. According to the last report from the Satellite there were rumblings down in Deck 14.  Just couldn’t confirm it until now. Stupidiot must have found the escape pod in the box of Hamdingers. (Cut to Paulo Fonseca, Nick Yaun, Rebecca Yaun & Brenda Fonseca, Andrew Beach & Ed Champion in Texas at Rowdy’s house)

Cecil (Offscreen): According to Stupidiot, he didn’t make the device. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Wait, you’ve been in contact with him? (Cut to Paulo Fonseca, Nick Yaun, Rebecca Yaun & Brenda Fonseca, Andrew Beach & Ed Champion in Texas at Rowdy’s house)

Cecil (Offscreen): Who the hell did you think we called in to help us when we were attacked after The Top 10 Dumbest Power Rangers moments list, Malicia? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Good point, but do me a favor keep him on a short leash! Anything else? (Cut to Paulo Fonseca, Nick Yaun, Rebecca Yaun & Brenda Fonseca, Andrew Beach & Ed Champion in Texas at Rowdy’s house)

Rebecca Yaun: Well, we’ve set up the device you made using the DNA extrapolated from Rowdy’s Sonic Screwdriver and the isomorphic lock you installed to keep it from falling into the wrong hands. So that the next time Rowdy disappears they can find him quicker. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Good work, get back here soon. (Cut to Paulo Fonseca, Nick Yaun, Rebecca Yaun & Brenda Fonseca, Andrew Beach & Ed Champion in Texas at Rowdy’s house)

Paulo Fonseca: We know what’s coming next month, We’re not excited. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Neither am I, but it’s a job and we’ve got to do what we got to do! See you guys soon! (Cut to Paulo Fonseca, Nick Yaun, Rebecca Yaun & Brenda Fonseca, Andrew Beach & Ed Champion in Texas at Rowdy’s house)

Paulo, Nick, Brenda & Rebecca (In Unison): Later James! (Cut to James stepping away to help finish the clean-up)

TLOTA: Thanks again for helping with the clean up!

Linkara: No problem, man! Say why did Alan outsource the Comicron-One Crash to you?

TLOTA: I have ORAC, he sent me the footage of everything. I noticed the person who activated that faulty Cybermat.

Linkara: If you’re going to say 90’s Kid I already know. The backstabber, why didn’t he tell me he was in league with Vyce?

TLOTA: Well I have a theory. After he got the message back to you after that trip to 2099 he found something disconcerting and well in a moment of cowardice, he turned to someone who he thought could help. Why not you I have no clue. All I know is that when 90’s Kid committed what he did, he forfeited all rights that most criminals should have when they are incarcerated.

Linkara: If he comes your way, let me know. I know ORAC took out the wiretaps.

TLOTA: Yeah even I think you may be going too far. But if he tries to find sanctuary, I’ll show none to him.

Linkara: Good. Nimue, teleport me to the Vigilant! (Linkara teleports away, James puts away the cleaning equipment as the same teleport sound is heard.)

TLOTA (Audio only): Forget something Li… (Cut to James coming face to face with 90’s Kid and James pulls out his Sonic Screwdriver) DELTA LEVEL DEFENSE! (90’s Kid is left incapacitated before cutting a few hours later as 90’s Kid is tied down, a little bloodied up and beaten down.)

TLOTA: Don’t try teleporting out like last time, I took out your teleportation tag! Now, I want to know something, WHY DID YOU BETRAY LINKARA?!

90’s Kid: You don’t see it do you dude? All you’re seeing is a fellow internet reviewer, I saw something you couldn’t comprehend. (James picks up 90’s Kid’s head and punches it hard straight into the forehead)

TLOTA: TELL ME ANOTHER LIE AND I’LL STOVE YOUR TRAITOROUS HEAD IN! WHY DID YOU BETRAY LINKARA?!

90’s Kid: I had no other choice besides have you looked at yourself lately? You’re becoming no different than him! (James picks up 90’s Kid’s head and slams it up against the wall!)

TLOTA: Okay, you’re not gonna tell me the truth about your betrayal, fine. Let’s move on to something you do know. Where is Vyce and why did you sabotage Comicron-One?

90’s Kid: This violates the Geneva Convention!

TLOTA: The Geneva Convention isn’t gonna save you this time. (James starts up a generator as readies a tub of water and places 90’s Kid’s feet in the tub and plugs in a battery charger.) Last chance, the truth or you suffer what I call the “Tickle Me Elmo punishment”.

90’s Kid: “Tickle Me Elmo punishment”?

TLOTA: Well, it’s something I wanted to see happen to a Tickle Me Elmo back when it was oversaturating the market and buying it became impossible. My brother came up with this one. Buy it, hook it up to a car battery via Jumper Cables, turn the car on and watch Elmo do the Shake Dance! Except this time, YOU are Tickle Me Elmo!

90’s Kid: Not Radical!

TLOTA: Last chance, Tell the truth or find yourself in a Shocking situation! (A Hand grabs James, turns him around and punches him in the forehead knocking James down. With his last moments of consciousness James launches something onto 90’s Kid before he and the figure teleports away.)