Monday, March 20, 2017

Behind The Scenes: Bad Romance: My Super Ex-Girlfriend/Valentine's Day/Hitch

(Scene begins with James off screen and everyone ready to move forward.)

James Faraci (Off-screen): Everyone ready? (Everyone nods) ready and ACTION! (Everyone walks forward until Nick's bow string snaps and Eric falls down and everyone laughs and James shouts CUT! Scene cuts to James as he drives up to the studio as Combine Harvester plays in the background.)

James Faraci: So we're filming three months of reviews in about two months work of time because by the end of February Eliza and Traci will be leaving and I want to focus all of March and April on the future of 2017.  (Cut to James, Nick, Paulo, Eric, John and Mike taking apart the couch.)

James Faraci: One benefit to having a couch that can easily disassemble is that it will go through the doors easily and be placed on a device I designed. It works on a controlled spring which will go about 57 degrees from the left to the right each way. John, Mike, Eric after I do the test run. (Cut to James strapped down to the couch piece wearing a helmet and readying to go flying across the green screen room.)

James Faraci: So on three, I'm going to get launched. I am doing the testing before I let anyone else do this because it's proof to know that even though they have to go through this, I'm willing to put myself in danger first in order to keep everyone else safe. (Cut to the test footage showing James letting go too early and hurting himself landing in the wall before cutting to James getting up)

James Faraci: Okay if you guys let go too early you will be hitting the wall at about back smacking speed! I hit the wall at like 10 Miles Per Hour and my ass is hurting like a bitch! (Cut to James getting ready to film his brother as he gets ready to toss a Tuna at the same height as Eliza Dushku can toss a fish.)

James Faraci (Off-Screen): Okay Chris my left hand is going to be under the table and when you see the sign, toss the tuna! Never thought I'd ever hear myself say that.

Chris: And the table will collapse on cue?

James Faraci (Off-Screen): I built it myself, of course it'll collapse and for the record there is a cooler lined with plastic for the Tuna to land in there. (Cut to James looking at the camera as the fish lands and the table does NOT collapse and James says "Cut" in frustrated disgust. Scene cuts to James as he holds up the double barreled handgun and it falls apart in James's hands and James goes on a cursing streak before cutting to James working on the gun)

John Santos (Audio only): So what happened?

James Faraci: The first Screen Accurate Prop I made for the Green Hornet review back in 2013 fell apart! Fortunately, I've been able to keep Spare pieces in case of an event like this but I think this is a sign that my past bad luck is either catch up with my ass or something is going to change and I need to break away with something that's been holding me back. (Cut to James framing the scene including an empty bottle of wine.)

James Faraci: So ladies you will be sitting together on the left, guys will be on the right side. The ladies will sit where they can be comfortable and it'll go the following for the guys Paulo, Nick, John, Mike and Eric.

Olivia Horvath (Audio only): So this is real wine?

James Faraci: Only the stuff in the bottle I opened that up about five seconds ago. I mainly use alcohol and wine for cooking purposes. In the glasses just so happen to be Grape juice. Okay Paulo & Nick can you look like your faces have like a dull surprise look on them like this. (James shows the face Paulo & Nick are supposed to have.) Got it?

Nick Yaun (Audio only): Got it (Cut to everyone getting ready on the couch as James preps the cameras.)

James Faraci (Audio only): Okay, I'm going to say my lines about how you guys are handling this movie and if you think of anything funny after I say my lines, just say it and I'll incorporate it into the sketch.

Eliza Dushku: How about we kind of acknowledge that the movie is god awful and the other guys will mumble because they're jacked up on Horse Tranquilizers.

James Faraci (Audio only): Okay, let's try that. (Cut to the multiple attempts to say the lines as James laughs or someone else laughs.) I'll clean that up in post. (Cut to James and the guys as they're dressed as bugs and Olivia films.)

John Santos: Been busting my ass off trying to get into wrestling and the entertainment world and I wind up an insect in front of a green screen.

Paulo Fonseca: I've always known I'm a little buggy in the head! (Cut to James talking to Melissa Benoist and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson as Olivia films)

Olivia Horvath (Audio only): So today is green screen day, we just filmed all the insect scenes and who's next in the Green Screen?

James Faraci: Well that's what me, Dwayne and Melissa were discussing, I figure ladies first and therefor we're going to film with Melissa and you need to be dressed as Edna Mode from "The Incredibles" Tout suite, Eliza is getting ready to become Wonder Woman and Tracy is getting ready to be Batgirl. (Cut to John filming from far away.)

James Faraci (Audio from far away): So I'll say my lines to you Olivia and Melissa when I point to you, you'll land next to Olivia then I'll point to you Eliza you'll jump in when I point to you and when I raise my hand Tracy, that'll be your cue. So, is everyone ready? (Everyone nods yeah.) Okay, places everyone we'll be filming in 3,2..AND ACTION! (John watches trying not to laugh as filming happens and things move quickly as James says his lines off screen and everyone get the take as James tries to say cut before James yells "CUT" and everything goes silent.)

James Faraci (Audio from far away): Wow, I really sounded angry when I had to shout that and I do apologize but you guys went way too far! (Cut to James converting part of his business office to accommodate the lighting and filming rigs.)

James Faraci: So I wanted to just cut down filming time and now I'm going to film in my business office and I'm converting the my old office into a second filming set and extra prop room and I'm going to retire it by dumping mail and I'll be testing it on me. (Cut to test footage as James has mail dumped on him including packages as James comes up and out of it with a few small cuts.)

James Faraci: So I just had mail dumped on me and I'm a little sore and a little banged up but results will vary when everyone has the pile dumped on them but to save myself some time I made a makeshift pile which has special holes for everyone from the shoulders down to be in the pile and when we introduce Felix Twitch all we have to do is have him kind of pop out of the center as we get thrown in every different direction possible. (Cut to James and everyone getting comfortable inside the pile as everyone says their lines and the pile does not break open and James goes into the pile and cut the duct taped pieces and they try again and it works before cutting to James opening his door as everyone else in Team TLOTA does the Chicken dance in their underwear and James closes the door and everyone laughs and James says cut)

Monday, March 13, 2017

Reality Checkout: "WWE Total Diva" Eva Marie!

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours and Welcome to another edition of Reality Checkout! (Cut to Video Purchasing Store checkout counter in which John Santos is a brainless idiot purchasing Reality TV series while James is the clerk who looks at the guy as if he were an idiot and slowly gets angry and does him a favor by buying him a copy of all the seasons of the restarted "Doctor Who" series as he takes the Reality TV series and places them in Port-a-Potty along with a lit stick of Dynamite and then James runs like hell as an image of Kim Kardashian is seen covered in fecal matter and the only clean part is the words "Reality Checkout" while the theme from "Welcome Freshmen" plays in the background before cutting back to James.)

TLOTA: Believe it or not, I was once a wrestling fan but then came bad choices left and right like when WWE bought out WCW, then came the first attempt at the brand split between Raw & Smackdown! The straw that broke my back as a WWE fan was giving John Laurinitis control of both shows and after that came me being a fan of TNA or as they're calling themselves now Impact Wrestling. The less said about that company and Dixie Carter's ability to run the company the better because they forced me into being a retired Pro Wrestling Fan. I'll watch if there's nothing else except for Lucha Underground or WCPW they seem to be giving me effort in their promotions though I will check out the occasional WWE Royal Rumble and or WrestleMania but the only reason I don't watch is for one red headed reason! (Cut to an image of Becky Lynch and James shouts "NO! Rowdy likes her and I'm okay with her!" before cutting to James physically) I'm talking about a red headed headache that (Audio of Eva Marie's intro plays as James rubs his head to try to alleviate his headache.) GOD TAKE ME NOW! (Cut to clips of Eva Marie in the WWE as James Faraci does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I am of course talking about the talentless wonder who never paid her dues in the indie promotions who can't even do a botch right. I am talking about everything all red including WWE seeing as how much money they lost in trying to promote her as a wrestler or Sports Entertainer Eva Marie! Now I'm sure in real life she's a decent person and hard working but HO BOY I dare my friend Chris Lee Moore to poll 10 fans of the Women's division of WWE and if he was to ask them to say who they think is the most talentless and incapable wrestler in either brand and I guarantee that Eva Marie will land in the somewhere in the top ten on those fan's lists. But why is that? (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Well we have our old double decker pain in the boob tube for that Reality TV And The E! Network home of the Nemesis to good taste The Kardashians! (Cut to the opening of "Total Divas" before cutting to clips of "Total Divas" featuring Eva Marie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): "Total Divas" is a behind the scenes look of lives of the wrestlers of Women's division of The WWE but to give it a little pop of extra interest they had for the first season two newbies. One was a girl named Jojo, She went nowhere in the WWE and the other who became a breakout star because of this show is Eva Marie! And believe it or not as I did research on her, she had not one hour, not one SECOND of indie league wrestling matches in order to build her credibility, So why did they hire her? Because she looked like she came off the cover of one of those men magazines that you need to wrap in colored plastic that only shows the title of the magazine and nothing else. I wish it was a friggin' joke. This is actually one of her earliest on-air appearances (Show clip in which Eva Marie in 12 Corazones as she basically does a strip tease before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: That's right! Eva Marie was on a Spanish Dating Show in which she did more to make men like her there than in anything she ever did in WWE. Also notice something about her hair color? (Cut to the clip again as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The one who is EVERYTHING ALL RED IS A RAVEN HAIRED WOMAN who even if men in and out of the ring wanted her they can't have her! She has been legally married since 2014!(Cut to clips of other WWE & other female wrestlers fighting as James continues of his voiceover) And for those wondering no, I do not dislike all female wrestlers! One of my favorites shattered the Glass Ceiling last year as Lucha Underground Luchadora Sexy Star WON the Lucha Underground Championship. Trish Stratus remains one of the most beautiful wrestlers I've ever seen and she went from Pin-Up to one of the most decorated WWE Women's Champions of all time. Lita was one of the most insane fighters in the ring but when her personal problems with being in a relationship was more than enough to drive the fans against her and how it led to her having a breakdown and retiring from Wrestling and the WWE, I was amazed she lasted a year as a inactive personality in WWE, then we have A.J. Lee who chose her husband C.M. Punk over her career! That is an amazing female wrestler with conviction to stand for her rights and be with her husband than with the company that fired said husband on their wedding day! THEIR FREAKING WEDDING DAY! But I don't hold the McMahons responsible for that. I do hold Vinnie Mac for hiring Eva Marie. However it seems even the WWE don't know what to do with her. Especially on the series that put her into prominence. While her Suspension eventually ended I think this maybe a case where she realizes she will never be the professional wrestler she thinks she's gonna be. Trust me, if she ever gets in the WWE Hall Of Fame in about 20 years or so, it'll take a miracle because she is no wrestler, she's no Lita, She's no Trish Stratus, HELL Chyna did more in her career in the WWE than Eva Marie would ever do. For all I know, she'll be in a Marriage Counseling reality show just to regain some of glory of WWE Total Divas days! (Cut to James Faraci Physically)

TLOTA: And if this doesn't prove that Eva Marie is only famous because she's on Reality TV then guess what, nothing will. But if she wants to be only known for her reality show success then I suggest you keep doing what you're doing now. If she wants to prove me wrong then I suggest she do something about it like say work on her wrestling moves or work more indie promotions and earn her way back into WWE and their fandom's good graces and do the one other thing in order for her advance as a professional wrestler and Check out of Reality TV! (Cut to Eva Marie's intro with announcement and James adding "Who must check out of Reality TV in order to prove she's really a wrestler and not a flash in the pan" before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Now if you'll excuse me 2017 is going to find me going through a lot, I hope I survive. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion!

Monday, March 6, 2017

Bad Romance: "Hitch"ing my hopes onto the future


(An eye is looking around trying to discover what is going on until an audible scream is heard. Before cutting to Team TLOTA as Olivia Horvath brandishes a Minigun, Paulo Fonseca has twin gold plated desert eagles, Rebecca Yaun has 50 Sai Daggers, Nick Yaun has a Recurve Bow and a quiver full of weaponized arrows, Eric Kurtzke has a Katana, John Santos has a Semi Auto 30-06 Rifle, Mike Santos has axes of all size, Renee Miller has a sword, Eliza Dushku is brandishing ten Kunai & Traci Hines has a Semi-Auto 12 Gauge Shotgun with deer slugs before cutting to see “Cupid” played by Ed Champion strapped to a wall screaming before cutting to see everyone walking in slow motion either firing or throwing their weapons forwards in a straight line towards “Cupid” as the scene cuts to see “Cupid” Screaming as they either do very little damage or miss entirely before Olivia, Paulo, Rebecca, Eric & John move to their right and Mike, Renee, Eliza & Traci to their left as James Faraci The Last Of The Americans is seen in the center as he is brandishing a Rocket Launcher before cutting to “Cupid” with a look on his face that screams “DIAPERS TO BE DARKENED” before cutting to James firing the Rocket Launcher and the Rocket locks onto “Cupid” before cutting to everyone turning their back as the explosion engulfs the back wall and everyone has a look on their face that shows they’re not a happy bunch and the words “Bad Romance” is Stamped in Steel as 4:11-4:54 of Bad Romance plays in the background throughout the entire intro before cutting to James moving his table to the backroom & lighting fixtures and Camera elsewhere)

Paulo Fonseca (Audio only): James? (Cut to everyone else in Team TLOTA)

Paulo Fonseca: Why are you moving out of your work office? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: My Work Office?! MY WORK OFFICE?! (James laughs psychotically) THAT PLACE IS NO LONGER MY WORK OFFICE! THAT IS MY MAIL ROOM! I’VE GOT TO MOVIE EVERYTHING THAT’S ESSENTIAL FROM WHERE I USED TO WORK INTO MY PERSONAL OFFICE TO MAKE IT BOTH MY PERSONAL AND WORK OFFICE!

(Cut to everyone else in Team TLOTA)

Rebecca Yaun: You’re just being silly. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: I wish I were, just come to the door to my mail room. (James opens the door before cutting to everyone else as a gigantic shadow engulfs the others as a flood of letters come crashing out of there before cutting to Olivia, Eliza and Traci as packages smack them around, Eric, John & Mike Santos are buried alive in a tsunami of letters, Renee Miller, Paulo Fonseca, Rebecca and Nick Yaun try to shield one another as an avalanche of mail surround them as 04:12-05:08 of the William Tell Overture plays in the foreground. Before cutting to everyone’s heads popping out of the mound of mail)

Nick & Rebecca Yaun, John and Mike Santos (In unison): Let’s go again! Let’s go again!

Paulo Fonseca: Can I take a guess and say most of these are bills?

Traci Hines: Most of what I’m hearing is ticking! That’s not a good thing, is it?

Eliza Dushku: I’m sitting on something and I heard a click, something tells me that if I get up, we ALL GO BOOM!

Olivia Horvath: Well I’m hearing beeps so stay as far away from me as possible.

Eric Kurtzke: Tweets from Donald Trump saying you're not funny and drop dead, Oh look, Fan mail. “Dear James” Ugh!

TLOTA: Let me guess, A steaming pile of Poop?

Eric Kurtzke: Bingo!

Renee Miller: Third notice on the electric bill! Fifth notice on the heating! Mafioso men who cannot be convicted are coming to kill you if you don’t pay for the water?! James where’s our mail?

TLOTA: Well fortunately I’ve set up another room for your mail. (A burst of air send everyone flying in different directions as Felix Twitch played by Nicholas Markin stands up in the middle of the maelstrom as “Getting Jiggy With It” audio sound-alike is heard before cutting to the others as they get their bearings)

TLOTA: WHO IN THE NAME OF ZEUS’ BUTTHOLE ARE YOU? (Cut to Felix Twitch)

Felix Twitch: I’m here to change your luck when it comes love! All you need to do is trust my proven methods to change your world and I guarantee you will find the Mister or Miss Right in your life. My name is Felix Twitch and I am going to make happy couples for you. (Cut to everyone else as the sound-alike screeches to a halt.)

Paulo Fonseca: Married!

Rebecca & Nick Yaun (In unison): To Each Other!

Renee Miller: I already met my Mr. Right!

Eliza Dushku, Traci Hines, John & Mike Santos and Eric Kurtzke: No Comment!

TLOTA: And I sooner trust Will Smith to help me find me Miss Right!

 (Cut to Opening Credit of “Hitch” as “Yeah” by Usher is heard in the clips from the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): While Will Smith is a great actor and a great musician I had little belief that “Hitch” would be good but I was taken aback and discovered something good. Something men can watch and believe could happen. Doesn’t mean in real life it could happen but it could happen for people desperate not to go on a reality dating show but nearly desperate to go on a dating site. (Cut to James in his new work office/personal office where he’s been working out of.)

TLOTA: Let’s end the nightmare of Bad Romance with “Hitch”! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So as our movie begins we’re given a look at what Hollywood would consider the losers that should be put out to pasture because they don’t look like the usual disposable Hollywood leading man well except for the one guy who looks like he can get himself anyone he wants to and most likely could and a voice is telling us about the workings of the female mind. This belongs to Alex “Hitch” Hitchens played by Will Smith as he tells people about the basic principles on human psychology and preps our first three guys for their dates as we’re soon introduced to Sara played by Eve Mendes who works as a reporter but enough of that we’ve got backstory about Hitch. (Show backstory of Alex Hitchens before cutting to James physically downing a bottle of Extra Strength Liquid I.Q.)

TLOTA: So, let me get this straight you had ONE bad experience with ONE woman and you just decided, you’d help others to find love even though you decided NEVER to try for yourself again?! I don’t know whether to laugh my ass off at your misery or cry because you just gave up! I mean yeah, my love life is a joke but even the future of it looks better than that god damned backstory! SERIOUSLY, MY LIST OF EX-GIRLFRIENDS COULD DWARF THE FREAKING LIST OF JERICHO! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But enough about that We’ve got an uncomfortably bad sub plot with “The King Of Queens” himself Kevin James wanting to get to an heiress named Allegra as Hitch decides to help first to get Allegra to even acknowledge Kevin’s Character which works by standing up for her and her friend’s business. Meanwhile Hitch meets Sara at a bar as she’s being harassed and quite honestly this conversation is nice but for every good moment there was in this movie there are two moments as bad like when Vance Munson played by Jeffrey Donovan thinks he can get any woman he wants and wants Hitch to help him in his biddings, hitch pretty much gives him a burn notice (Cut to a still image of Vance is humiliated as James does a Minnesotan accent)

Vance (As done by James doing Jeffrey Donovan’s character in “Fargo” TV Series): Okay, I’m gonna get Ma and my family and we’re gonna whack da bastard!

(Cut back to the movie and James doing a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Meanwhile Sara and Hitch decide to get to Ellis Island where we soon discover Sara’s Ancestor was in fact a murderer. PERFECT FARE IN THIS MOVIE ABOUT A GUY WHO’S SUPPOSED TO BE THE ULTIMATE GUIDE IN GETTING PEOPLE TOGETHER WHO CAN’T EVEN HOOK HIMSELF UP WITH HIS OWN MISS RIGHT! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: GOD THIS MOVIE IS WORKING MY LAST NERVE! (Door knocks as James gets up and opens it to see Twitch before cutting to James)

TLOTA: WHAT…. DO…. YOU…. WANT?! (Cut to Twitch)

Twitch: Remember I’m here to get you the girl you want to realize you are the man she deserves! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Really? Can I see Mrs. Twitch as your reference and no I’m not talking about your mother or sister in laws they don’t count (Cut to Twitch going “Uh!” before cutting to James)

TLOTA: Just as I thought, Get out my sight. (James closes the door before cutting to the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro as it cuts to John, Mike, Eric, Nick & Paulo sitting on the couch feeling sorry for themselves when Felix Twitch played by Nicholas Markin pops up out of nowhere)

Felix Twitch: ATTENTION ALL YOU SINGLE MEN! (Everyone on the couch screams before cutting back to the well-dressed black person)

Felix Twitch: Are you sick and tired of sitting at home feeling sorry for yourselves? Would you rather be in the company of these lovely ladies?! (The Well Dressed Black Person snaps his fingers and Rebecca Yaun, Eliza Dushku, Brenda Fonseca, Traci Hines and Renee Miller come in before cutting to James and the guys on the couch as they shake their heads and goofily go “Uh-Huh”)

Felix Twitch: Well then, let Felix Twitch fix your life. All you need to do is trust me to change you to get the girl you want. (Cut to Nick dressed in a tee shirt saying “No Lives Matter”, Blue Jeans and disheveled hair)

Felix Twitch (Audio Only): Go from looking butt ugly in Blue Collar (Jump cut to Nick looking as Dapper as he usually looks and Rebecca being all over him) To being as smooth as silk and having Miss Right fawn all over you.  (Cut to Felix Twitch surrounded by several women in the main hallway)

Felix Twitch: Just listen to one of my success stories (Cut to James Faraci as he sits in his office)

James Faraci (Flat, unenthusiastic and looking as he is reading from a script): This was many of my Saturday Nights until… (James shakes his head and waves his hands and shouts “NO!” before grabbing his Morpher, putting in his card, pressing 428 and morphing back into The Last Of The Americans and James going to the main lobby)

TLOTA: I’m killing the sketch and getting back to the review! (Cut to the others groaning and saying “Come On!” before cutting to James)

TLOTA: Trust me I don’t like doing it but I feel uncomfortable giving people a false hope even if it’s for comedic purposes! (Cut to everyone else as Felix Twitch steps out front)

Felix Twitch: What do you mean “False Hope”? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: YOU! SHUT UP! I’ll tell you what I mean after I’m done! AND NO RETURN FROM COMMERCIAL BREAK MOMENT! WE’RE GETTING BACK TO WORK NOW! (Cut to James back in his office sitting back down in his chair)

TLOTA: Okay, where were we? (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So as Hitch preps Kevin James’ character for his first date with Allegra we see (Show Kevin James dancing like a white man before cutting to James rubbing his forehead.)

TLOTA: CONGRATS KEVIN JAMES, YOU’VE SET WHITE MEN DANCING BACK GENERATIONS AND I DANCED MY ASS OFF AT MY BROTHER’S WEDDING AND MY SISTER’S WEDDING AND EVERYONE LIKED WHEN I DID THAT! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But the date is successful and Kevin’s character surprisingly becomes famous from it. If one date is all that is needed for Kevin’s character to get millimeters to the finish, then what was up with the three dates BS with those three in the beginning of this train wreck! Oh well we’ve got a food rave with Sara’s boss played by Alan Arkin when possibly the comedic highlight of the movie happens as Hitch nearly dies from Allergies caused by seafood causes Hitch to well… (Cut to Hitch overreacting and getting drunk on Benadryl James laughing)

TLOTA It’s funny because he’s having an allergic reaction that could possibly kill him and he’s high off his ass on Benadryl! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So, after spending the night at Sara’s and the next morning Sara LITTERALLY EATS THE SCENERY Kevin, I mean Kevin’s Character is where he needs to be for his date with Allegra at a Knicks Game. But Vance returns to torpedo Hitch by giving Sara some less than credible information and… (Bell rings as Sara knees Vance in the nuts and James goes “D’OH! MY BURN NOTICE-STICILES!” with Vance’s head going up a bronze bull’s ass and freezing on it as James does a voiceover as Michael Weston)

TLOTA (Voiceover as Michael Weston): If you find yourself stuck up an animal’s ass there is only two things you can do. You can either panic and die OR you can remain calm, find the nerve that can induce excrement, take a little pain and get out alive. Of course, your head will smell awful for a while but in the end, it will be worth it! (Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So as Kevin’s character seems to be getting well with Allegra, Hitch and Sara hit a rough patch as UH-OH! Vance’s false info about Hitch hits the newspapers ruins everything Hitch worked for and lands Sara in hot water at a Speed dating event for Sara’s friend leading to…. (Show Hitch blowing up and telling the truth and saying he’s done being the ultimate guide for getting people together before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Damn, even I can relate when something false is said about me and I must get on the attack! (Door knocks and James gets up and camera cuts to Twitch at the door before cutting to James looking to throttle the guy.)

TLOTA: You’ve got two seconds before I do something I WON’T regret! (Cut to Twitch)

Twitch: Look there might be some news that might hit the public and infuriate you and judging by your stance right now, this might drive you over the edge. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: SPIT IT OUT! (Cut to Twitch)

Twitch (Super-fast): Someone made a twitter rumor about you and someone named Aiyanna Wade and they think I hooked you two up. (Cut to James taking deep breaths in and out.)

TLOTA: I can deal with this like an adult. I’ll tell the truth and I’ll keep telling the truth until people listen. Thank you now let me finish this review then I’ll deal with it later. (Cut to Twitch)

Twitch: Are you sure? Because… (Cut to James and Twitch looking at each other in the doorway)

TLOTA: It’s her name and reputation on the line and mine as well I’ve got to take the necessary steps to fix it and hope IN TIME she and her soon to be husband, whomever he is forgives me.

Twitch: Wow, then you’re one step closer to success!

TLOTA: Okay, now I’m counting to three and if you’re not gone by then YOU WILL NOT BE MISSED! ONE… (Twitch runs away quickly before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): When Kevin’s character asks Hitch to help him get back in Allegra’s good graces initially Kevin’s character balks as he reams out Hitch but Hitch tries to help when (Show Allegra opening to Hitch when Kevin’s character comes in.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Now would be a good time to tell the truth OR get pissed off just for Allegra to help you the two grown men come to their senses and it works as not only does Kevin’s character and Allegra finally getting together but Sara and Hitch reconcile and the movie ends with Kevin’s Character marrying Allegra and everything Hitch said he’s pretty much “FUHGETABOUTIT!” (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So, all the advice, all the knowledge you could still impart on to anyone who needs it and you’re like Don’t need it so DELETE it. Instead of writing it all down and imparting it to generations of people and you’re like I don’t need it and neither does anyone else. UP YOUR NOSE WITH A RUBBER HOSE FULL OF AIR TO BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT! (Door knocks again.)

TLOTA: IF I THINK WHO IS AT THE DOOR IS THERE, YOU’LL BE IN A PINE BOX BY TONIGHT! (Cut to the Door opening)

TLOTA: WHAT DO YOU WANT?! (Cut to Twitch shaking in his pants a little.)

Twitch: Just wanted to know if you fixed things. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: I’ve had ORAC send mass messages telling people the truth on all social media. (Cut to Twitch)

Twitch: So, you’re using the resources around you to help you instead of doing it yourself. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Who said it’s not me? (Cut to Twitch)

Twitch: YOU DID! FIVE SECONDS AGO! LOOK I UNDERSTAND USING RESOURCES AROUND YOU LIKE MACGYVER BUT THERES USING IT FOR YOUR ADVANTAGE AND THEN THERES USING YOUR RESOURCES TO FIX EVEN THE LITTLEST THING THAT GOES WRONG IN YOUR LIFE. EVER WONDER WHY YOUR ROMANTIC LIFE IS SO CLOSE TO DEAD THAT YOUR FRIENDS HAVE ALREADY CALLED A PRIEST TO GIVE IT LAST RITES! I COME AND SAY I WANT TO HELP YOU OUT OF THE FUNK YOU’VE BEEN IN AND YOU LOOK AT ME LIKE I’M NO DIFFERENT THAN THE DEVIL OFFERING YOU A FAUSTIAN DEAL. SO WHY DO YOU TRUST THEM TO HELP YOU AND NOT ME! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: I CAN TRUST THEM BECAUSE THEY’VE BEEN MY FRIENDS AND KNOW ME BEYOND BEING  JAMES FARACI THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS! (Cut to Twitch looking confused before cutting back to James) Look, do you think it’s easy for me after all the heartbreak I’ve been through and after all the pain I’ve suffered for me to open up to someone who comes in and is all “I’ve come to take all your pain away and make your life better, no questions asked all you have to trust me without question” THAT SOUNDS LIKE FALSE HOPE AND FALSE HOPE IS NO DIFFERENT THAN BOTH BAD HELP AND NO HELP! Look, my dad imparted this bit of advice onto me when it comes to working with others “Bad Help is worse than no help!” Now I admit that it’s never easy but they know what I need to get this work done quickly and they can get back to what they do best outside of dealing with me! I love the fact they’re willing to give their time they could do ANYTHING else to help this and I know one day they’ll be asking me to help them and you know what I’d do it because they need me to help them the same way I asked them to help. Maybe one day they’ll help me out the way you’re trying to help me out now but until then I’ve got to face my problems with my romantic life on my own! I tried to force people to help me whether they like it or not and I made more enemies than friends and I don’t need enemies I’ve got enough as is. I appreciate you trying to bring couples together and doing a universal good! But sometimes things and forces beyond ANYONE’S control will ruin the best of intentions. It’s easy to bring people together but it’s going take effort for the people to get together. I’m willing to put in the effort the problem I have is the choice in women is so slim who would put the effort in and put up with me and my eccentricities and my family wouldn’t help me unless it was more to their benefit than mine but I enjoy it because it’s the rare times I can get away from them. Do you know what I usually do to get away from them? I come up with the excuse that OH I’ve got a little more to do around the studio to keep it going. And yes, I love my family so much I would drop anything I’m doing for them. But even I need them to kind of put aside a little time for me that could be beneficial to me but I know they have their own lives but maybe they could be a little less selfish with their lives so I could be a little more independent. But I guess that’s asking too much of them, I have to do it on my own because HEAVENS FOREFEND I get the kind of help I need in order to be able have the life I want outside of being an internet reviewer. Not that I don’t like being an Internet reviewer but it gets tedious watching movies both good and bad! I’m failing at the promise I made to myself and I hate that I’m failing. I really deserve a life. (Cut to Twitch)

Twitch: The fact you opened to me like that tells me you can do this on your own and you can get it done. Good Luck. (James and Twitch shake hands as the two part on good terms as Twitch walks out the door before James sighs outside of his office door and James walks over to the rest of the team)

TLOTA: Hey guys. (Everyone else says either “Hey James or Hey there”) Did you guys hear me when I had that little soul opening moment with Twitch? (Cut to everyone else)

Paulo Fonseca: Bits and pieces and James you know you don’t owe us anything.

Rebecca Yaun: As far as we’re concerned, this is just a fun little side project for me, Paulo and my husband.

Nick Yaun: And I’ve gotten to meet some new people and be friends with them plus we get to have fun making fun of bad movies and enjoy playing characters from certain movies.

Renee Miller: Plus, I met that Rowdy fella, he’s a great guy.

John Santos: It feels like it’s been forever since we worked together. I missed hanging out with you.

Mike Santos: Same.

Olivia Horvath: I’m glad to help because it allows me to grow with my skills in using Make-Up, Appliances and costumes plus it allows people to see my work.

Eliza Dushku: And let’s face it, you’re giving me a break while people in Hollywood aren’t going to give me a break.

Traci Hines: And you give me more to do while I do my own thing and for that I am grateful. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: I’m glad that you feel that way guys, I don’t want you to ever feel as if I’m taking advantage of you. (Cut to the others going “No!” before cutting to James)

TLOTA: I’m glad you feel that way and this how I felt about the movie. (Cut to Clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The flaws are so present I’m surprising myself as to how much I want to like this movie but if this was meant to be a guide for guys to get through all the garbage, it failed. As a romantic comedy, it succeeded in being funny but every now and then. The rest of the time I’m groaning at how awfully bad it can get. Were there times when I could relate to the characters? You bet. Were there moments where I was infuriated, I could count the times I was enjoying it on one hand.  But is it worth at least one watch? Absolutely, especially for Will Smith. The Charm and wit coming out of him is unbelievably entertaining and I find myself getting a few reminders on things. So, all in all a good movie to try. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So, guys, now “Bad Romance” out of the way, let’s make the rest of 2017 one of the best years we’ve had. What do you say?! (Cut to everyone saying “YEAH!” before cutting back to James.)

TLOTA: UH-OH! Guys, I’ve got somethings to take care of. You take it easy. (James runs off before cutting to James running to his office.)

TLOTA: Look, I know the past few months haven’t been a bed of roses for all of us. But we all need a little hope that things will be better than where we have been. Who knows what’ll happen. All I know is that if you stay in it long enough, you’ll find yourself getting where you need to be and where you want to go. Make sure you don’t falter and give up on yourself. (Scene cuts to black then cutting to James in his office working on another review when he notices something in the desk.)

TLOTA: Wonder how long this has been in here. (James walks over to ORAC’s Chamber)

TLOTA: ORAC, how long has this been in my desk?

ORAC: It has been in the desk since May of 2013.

TLOTA: Hmmm, the penmanship looks familiar. (James looks at the back of the envelope and notices the seal on it.) It’s impossible. By all accounts this shouldn’t have existed after everything that’s happened. (James breaks the seal on the envelope and reads it silently before as James is shocked as images of things flash through his head and drops the letter.)

TLOTA: No way… (James picks up the letter and the camera focuses on Emmalina’s Amulet and as James reads the gem in Emmalina’s Amulet changes colors.)

TLOTA (Audio only as he reads aloud): “My dearest James, by the time you read this, my time will have diminished exponentially. But I know as long as you keep me in your thoughts I will always be with you. While I do not know what is in store for me or you, please do not give in to the sadness and the sorrows I see in you in the times when you are alone. I pray you find someone one day who will allow you to be the man I see in you and yet not be afraid to be known as their own self as much as your other half. I know in the depths even though we are parted we are forever bound to each other. My dearest James I love you and nothing not even the end can separate us. Yours Beloved for all time, Emmalina” (A Powerful energy blast engulfs the studio as it cuts to Paulo, Rebecca, Nick, Eric, Olivia, John and Mike standing outside as the blast affects them as well as they are flung back by the energy)

John Santos: The flying hell was that?  (Everyone rushes in wondering what just happened as they see a crack in reality as James’ right hand is on the side of the crack where the studio is and everyone forms a chain as Eric grabs James’ right hand and pulls him out and James is pulled out as the crack closes and everyone is surprised as James wakes up.)

Mike Santos: You okay James?

Eric Kurtzke: It felt like something went off.

Paulo Fonseca: What’s going on?

TLOTA: I know why I went through the nightmare of the past few months. I regained something I thought I lost.

Paulo Fonseca: What did you find your sanity?

John Santos: Your intelligence?

Mike Santos: Your desire to get a real job?

Eric Kurtzke: Your Logic?

Nick Yaun: Reality?

Rebecca Yaun: The feeling of human remorse for putting us in a lot of crazy stuff?

Olivia Horvath: Hope? (Audio of “A Good Man” used in “The Girl Who Died” when The Doctor comes to the revelation of his face.)

TLOTA: Yes! YES! YES, THAT IS WHAT I HAVE! I… HAVE… HOPE! SHE IS ALIVE AND SHE IS REBORN!

Paulo: Okay, if it’s who you think it is, you had reworked the time space continuum so what happened didn’t happen.

TLOTA: But it did except she now lives in someone else and This letter is PROOF! (Cut to James putting the letter in a frame behind him in frame when he films before cutting to everyone else in the door to James’ office)

Olivia Horvath: Okay why are you framing the letter and putting it in where everyone can see it? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: SO SHE CAN SEE IT, THAT I REMEMBER HER AND I CAN BE REMINDED TO HOLD MYSELF TO THE MARK! I’M JAMES FARACI THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS! (Cut to everyone looking at him as if to say to one another “HO-BOY! He’s gone off the deep end this time”)

TLOTA (Audio only): AND I AM WORTHY!

TLOTA: AND IF ANYONE HAPPENS TO BE LISTENING AND YOU HAVE ANY KIND OF PROBLEM WITH THAT! (Echoing): TO HELL WITH YOU! (James’ echo of “To Hell With You!” is so loud that it cuts to an image from outer space of the earth before cutting to Rowdy as he hears it)

Rowdy: All right everybody, James has officially gotten into his storyline for the year! How many wagers do I hear for it to take to last beyond June or July?

Perkins (Audio only): Why does he keep his storylines so short?

Rowdy: Do I hear someone making a bet or what?

Friday, February 10, 2017

Bad Romance: Valentine's Day Survival Guide

(An eye is looking around trying to discover what is going on until an audible scream is heard. Before cutting to Team TLOTA as Olivia Horvath brandishes a Minigun, Paulo Fonseca has twin gold plated desert eagles, Rebecca Yaun has 50 Sai Daggers, Nick Yaun has a Recurve Bow and a quiver full of weaponized arrows, Eric Kurtzke has a Katana, John Santos has a Semi Auto 30-06 Rifle, Mike Santos has axes of all size, Renee Miller has a sword, Eliza Dushku is brandishing ten Kunai & Traci Hines has a Semi-Auto 12 Gauge Shotgun with deer slugs before cutting to see “Cupid” played by Ed Champion strapped to a wall screaming before cutting to see everyone walking in slow motion either firing or throwing their weapons forwards in a straight line towards “Cupid” as the scene cuts to see “Cupid” Screaming as they either do very little damage or miss entirely before Olivia, Paulo, Rebecca, Eric & John move to their right and Mike, Renee, Eliza & Traci to their left as James Faraci The Last Of The Americans is seen in the center as he is brandishing a Rocket Launcher before cutting to “Cupid” with a look on his face that screams “DIAPERS TO BE DARKENED” before cutting to James firing the Rocket Launcher and the Rocket locks onto “Cupid” before cutting to everyone turning their back as the explosion engulfs the back wall and everyone has a look on their face that shows they’re not a happy bunch and the words “Bad Romance” is Stamped in Steel as 4:11-4:54 of Bad Romance plays in the background throughout the entire intro before cutting to James in his office)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and The views I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Well by the time this is posted it'll be sometime before Valentine's Day and it'll be AFTER that by the time the preview is going to be on Rowdyc.com. But this is for single people like me to get through the nightmare of February 14th. These are the movies and specials that I watch to get me through possibly the worst day to be single. Now before I get even MORE hate e-mail than I did with my Fifty Shades Of Grey Editorial, I want to state that YES there are Romantic movies in this but that maybe just be I'm a few shy a full load and I AM GOING TO TRY TO KEEP THE SPOILERS TO THE LEAST AMOUNT I CAN MUSTER. With that said, let's start with something romantic but ends on a semi-realistic note. As much as a semi-realistic note can be when you decide to get into a relationship with The Dark Knight! (Cut to opening of "Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm" as the score by Shirley Walker plays in the background as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): For me, this is a movie I watch every Valentine's Day as a reminder of what it's like for a romance with Batman is like and in the middle of that is a series of Gangland murders perpetrated by a Batman look-alike known as The Phantasm and The Joker is thrown into the mix and I think I'll stop here before I reveal too much because there is so much and if I continue to go forward I will spoil everything about the movie. But I will say that there is a reason why this movie has become one of those great movies that had become a great movie over time. Hell Siskel & Ebert regret missing this movie in the theaters when they reviewed it. All I can say that everyone and their parents on this movie on the Internet know about how friggin' amazing this movie is and how it can affect the emotions of those poor heart broken people who are as alone as Batman is. But speaking of movies that affect people with broken hearts. (Cut to the title card of "Love Story" before cutting to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Yeah this is corny and a lot of it has NOT aged well and the dialogue is well... (Cut to the "Love Means Never Having To Say You're Sorry" moments from both Jenny and Oliver) Yeah not exactly the best line in the history of cinema! But to me there is something enjoyable to it! Listening to the soundtrack is definitely one of the better things to come from the movie and it's obvious the late Arthur Hiller was inspired with some of his shots by The Graduate but I won't hold it against the guy! Now obviously I recommend seeing this movie at least once if only for just the charm of how this movie has become the basis for so many of the Hallmark & Lifetime Made For TV Clich├ęs for their romantic dramedies! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But I think I may have gotten a lot of my cynical attitude towards this holiday thanks to Charlie Brown and the rest of the Peanuts gang for that! (Cut to title card of "Be My Valentine Charlie Brown" before cutting to clips from the special as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Be My Valentine Charlie Brown still to me remains one of the better Charlie Brown specials save for the Linus falling for Miss Othmar stuff, That's just Squicky! Though when Linus just goes off knowing he wasted so much time going after an impossibility and how he just decides to get angry and rid himself of his Squick was very cathartic for me. Though if I were Charlie Brown I'd be sending Snoopy to the Vets to take care of Snoopy because Chocolate + Dogs= NOTHING GOOD HAPPENING TO SNOOPY! But I also can relate to Charlie Brown and his never ending quest to be given just a little recognition even if it's a reused Valentine. I strongly recommend you check this out and give the others on the DVD a look, but definitely not... (Cut to the Opening credit scene of "It's Your First Kiss, Charlie Brown" is shown as Dramatic music is heard before cutting to James grabbing a bottle of Liquid I.Q. downing it in one gulp and sighing)

TLOTA: But let me try to balance the cynicism with something semi-positive. (Cut to opening credit of "X-Men" 1990's animated series as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): To me The Phoenix Saga & The Dark Phoenix Saga was about as great as the 1990's X-Men Animated series could be up to that point. In the comics this was the moment the romance between Jean Grey & Cyclops ended with Jean sacrificing herself and dying to keep The Phoenix and the Shi'ar empire from destroying everything. But they expanded on the source material and stayed as true as it could for an Children's Animated series based on a Comic Book series could be. I mean yeah they had to make the changes at the end of the Dark Phoenix Saga so even though it was gut wrenching it didn't end with death but DAMN did The Phoenix Saga end with the right amount of heartbreak. Cyclops and Wolverine were wrecked by the end of the Phoenix Saga and by the time I was done watching both I needed to lose myself for a while.(Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But is there anything that is schmaltzy but also entertainingly good? Well I can think of at least a few good choices. (Cut to opening credit of "The Princess Bride" before cutting to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): What can be said that time hasn't. Rob Reiner made possibly one of the greatest Sword & Sorcery Romantic comedies of all time. With talent like Robin Wright, Cary Elwes, Peter Falk,  Mandy Patinkin, Billy Crystal, Christopher Guest, Wallace Shawn, Andre The Giant!?! (Show clip of Fezzik shouting "Everybody MOVE!" and the crowd parts like the Red Sea) dare I say anymore? Everyone loves this movie for all the right reasons. The music was incredible! Every line of Dialogue is incredible! Everything had fallen place when they made this movie and for it to fail would've been... What's the word I'm looking for? (Cut to Vizzini shouting "Inconceivable!") Thanks Vizzini. I say check this movie out just for the fun of it! (Cut to clip of Fezzik saying "Anyone want a Peanut?" before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: But what if you really want something just as good or even better then may I suggest this classic (Cut to opening credit of "The Great Muppet Caper" before cutting to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Yeah! One of the first movie romances was that of Kermit & Miss Piggy. Was I upset that the two ended their personal relationship in 2015? Upset is an understatement between Clara dying in "Doctor Who" and The two of them breaking up I WAS A WRECK BY THE END OF 2015! But this was the first sample of love between a male and female outside of my family and this is remains one of the greatest movies I've ever seen because not only of the romance between Kermit and Miss Piggy but it's the first time Kermit had a rival in Charles Grodin's Nicky Holiday and Kermit was willing to go so far as to catch those thieves himself red handed (Cut to the clip of Beauregard saying "What Color are their hands now?")  Funny Beauregard! But there's a reason I will watch this movie over so much garbage that claim to be some of the best Romantic Comedies ever made. But to me that title belongs to the final film in this guide

(Cut to opening credit of "Splash" before cutting to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):Yes everyone, I actually find myself enjoying this movie every February 14th. I actually put this one on and I truly enjoy what this classic because it give a guy like me a glimmer of hope. If you haven't seen this, you don't know what you're missing. We've got themes of love, fate vs circumstance, fighting for what your right to get what you want and or deserve, there is a lot behind this. If you haven't seen this or anything in this little guide of mine, then I HIGHLY, HIGHLY Suggest you check them out. May they give you a glimmer of hope in what may appear to be not only a time of year where hope is in limited supply but for many of you where you believe it might be a year where you feel like your hope has been taken away from you but we've all got to hang in there, who knows what this year will bring us.

(Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And you know what, if all else fails... (Cut to James grabbing a case of Martinelli's) Have a few on me and seeing as how by the time this is posted I'm a few bottles in, I might as well join my future self. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and... You know the rest!

Sunday, February 5, 2017

Bad Romance: "Valentine's Day" Massacre


(An eye is looking around trying to discover what is going on until an audible scream is heard. Before cutting to Team TLOTA as Olivia Horvath brandishes a Minigun, Paulo Fonseca has twin gold plated desert eagles, Rebecca Yaun has 50 Sai Daggers, Nick Yaun has a Recurve Bow and a quiver full of weaponized arrows, Eric Kurtzke has a Katana, John Santos has a Semi Auto 30-06 Rifle, Mike Santos has axes of all size, Renee Miller has a sword, Eliza Dushku is brandishing ten Kunai & Traci Hines has a Semi-Auto 12 Gauge Shotgun with deer slugs before cutting to see “Cupid” played by Ed Champion strapped to a wall screaming before cutting to see everyone walking in slow motion either firing or throwing their weapons forwards in a straight line towards “Cupid” as the scene cuts to see “Cupid” Screaming as they either do very little damage or miss entirely before Olivia, Paulo, Rebecca, Eric & John move to their right and Mike, Renee, Eliza & Traci to their left as James Faraci The Last Of The Americans is seen in the center as he is brandishing a Rocket Launcher before cutting to “Cupid” with a look on his face that screams “DIAPERS TO BE DARKENED” before cutting to James firing the Rocket Launcher and the Rocket locks onto “Cupid” before cutting to everyone turning their back as the explosion engulfs the back wall and everyone has a look on their face that shows they’re not a happy bunch and the words “Bad Romance” is Stamped in Steel as 4:11-4:54 of Bad Romance plays in the background throughout the entire intro before cutting to team TLOTA standing in the main lobby of the office and everyone walking in unity to the driveway)

TLOTA (Singing): You know I thought we had

Everyone (Singing): BAD LUCK!

TLOTA (Singing): To Be watching

Everyone (Singing): TOTAL SCHLOCK!

TLOTA (Singing): Then I saw her and I knew

Everyone (Singing): WE’RE STUCK! CAUSE NOW ALL IT IS, IS BAD SCHLOCK! (James shouts “HEY!”)

Everyone (Singing): NOW THERE’S HELL TO PAY! SO YOU BETTER GET OUT OF THE WAY! THIS MOVIE IS A CROCK!

TLOTA (Singing): Hey look up there it’s…

Everyone (Singing): THE ROCK! WHAT?! (Cut to the sky as it closes in on Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as he is hanging on as a helicopter before it comes into range of James’ office driveway and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson takes a flying leap and lands in the driveway right in front of James and team TLOTA.)

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (rapping): HOLD IT! HOLD UP! LET ME SAY IT NOW JABRONIS! THIS IS! THIS IS SOMETHING AWESOME IT’S NOT A BAD MOVIE! (Cut to “Valentine’s Day” as Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson continues to rap)

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (rapping voiceover): TAY-TAY! MY GAL! TAY-TAY IS AWESOME IN THIS FARACI! SAY THE WRONG THING AND I’LL KNOCK YOU INTO NEXT WEDNESDAY!  (Cut to Team TLOTA as they go Ooh!)

Eliza Dushku (Singing): This one is so bad!

TLOTA (Singing): It makes me mad! Taylor’s got to learn that everybody must BUUUUUUURN!

Everyone (Singing): Cause now we’re stuck with BAD SCHLOCK!

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (singing): You don’t know what you’re talking ‘bout.

Everyone (Singing): We can’t stand it! It’s a Crock!

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (singing): It’s Taylor Swift! Give her a break!

Everyone (Singing): Well when we saw her we knew we were stuck!

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (singing): Gary Marshall gave her a break!

Everyone (Singing): OH, WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP ROCK! (James shouts “HEY” loud enough to toss Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson off screen and he says “Ow!” before cutting to the Title Card of the Movie “Valentine’s Day” then cutting to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Yep folks for those of you who think the Bottom of The Barrel is too lofty a perch for you then obviously, this movie is for you. There’s so much saccharine sugar coated schmaltz it’d give the healthiest person a diabetic coma! The acting is so ungodly awful there are no words to describe how ungodly awful it is and everything is just an ass-fest! And what happens in an ass-fest? You get the same thing, CRAP! CRAP! CRAP! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But let’s not wait any longer as I take on the movie that made me realize the divide between me and Hollywood and people who criticize movies professionally is about as big it could get between here in Sullivan County New York to the other side of the sun ten times! This is the worst movie humanity has brought upon itself “Valentine’s Day”. Pray for your salvation humanity! (Cut to scenes of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Something interesting to note about this abomination of all that is good is that there are multiple storylines some that interconnect and some that just connect around the perimeter of the main storyline which is interesting but done to freaking death and if I list all the movies that did that, we’d be here all day and quite honestly, I want this movie to meet its maker quickly so let’s get through this nightmare done and over with! We start off with what is supposed to be the Greek Choir in the movie a Radio personality letting everyone know that it’s a beautiful day in Los Angeles as we’re introduced to a florist named Reed played by Ashton Kutcher as he’s shaking off the fact his girlfriend played by Jessica Alba initially said yes to his morning marriage proposal initially but a few hours later she pretty much chucks him to the curb! Meanwhile on a flight home from serving in Iraq an Army Captain played by the perennial irritation to my cinematic sensibility Julia Roberts is on her way home and she’s got a one day leave and befriends a guy named Holden played by Bradley Cooper who offers The Army Captain a ride to meet a guy she’s in love with. A school teacher played Jennifer Garner who was just doing this while Ben Affleck was stuck being one of “The Company Men” falls for a doctor played by McDreamy himself Patrick Dempsey but she has a student named Edison who has a crush on her. Meanwhile Edison has his own problems as his Grandparents are having marital troubles and his babysitter played by Chanel Oberlin herself Emma Roberts wants to lose her innocence to her boyfriend. YEAH JULIA’S NIECE IS IN THIS AS HER FRIEND PLAYED BY UGH TAYLOR SWIFT AND HER THEN BEAU TAYLOR LAUTNER DECIDE TO GO ON TELEVISION TO SAY "IT'S OKAY WITHHOLD THE HANKY PANKY!" (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And no I’m not making a joke about “Twilight”, "Sharkboy & Lavagirl", or any of his works in the Happy Madison movies here and I did a joke about Taylor Swift in the intro after the opening title and I AM SURE AS HELL NOT GONNA MAKE A SCREAM QUEENS JOKE ABOUT EMMA ROBERTS AND TAYLOR LAUTNER BEING IN THE SAME SERIES! (Cut to scenes of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): If you’re wondering why if I’m going through ALL the storyline beginnings now it’s so after the break I can go through where they all end in certain ways to unite or end in their own way. Which is why during ALL this a Sports agent played by Queen Latifah is concerned about her client played by Eric “McSteamy” Dane coming out of the closet and her client’s publicist played by Jessica Biel putting together an “I Hate Valentine’s Day” party while becoming interested in a Sports reporter played by Jamie Foxx who is doing Valentine’s Day report by his boss who shares the distain for the holiday as the Sports Agent’s client’s publicist played by GAHHHH! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Sorry about that Kathy Bates scares the hell out of me for three reasons. One being “Misery”, Two “The Waterboy” & Finally “About Schmidt”. Don’t know what I’m talking about. Find those movies and be afraid be very, very, very, very, VERY AFRAID OF KATHY BATES! (Cut to scenes of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Meanwhile the Sports Agents temp Secretary played by Anne Hathaway is doubling as a Phone Sex Operator which irritates her boyfriend played by NO! NO! NO! NO! GET OUT OF HERE TOPHER GRACE! YOU ALREADY GAVE ME A MIGRAINE DURING SPIDER-MAN 3! DO SOME OTHER MOVIE, GET OUT OF HOLLYWOOD DO SOMETHING ELSE! RUN A FREAKIN’ BASKIN ROBBINS OR SOMETHING! LIVE COMFORTABLY OFF YOUR “‘70’S SHOW” RESIDUALS! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: GOD! IS THERE ANYTHING BETTER I COULD BE A PART OF OR AT LEAST BE WATCHING! (Cut to Paulo & Eliza at James’ office doorway)

Paulo Fonseca: James, you might want to look at this.

Eliza Dushku: Things are Wicked Crazy! And on a scale of one to 100 it’s a 4,281,982! (Cut to James as he grumbles)

TLOTA: What is it now? (James gets out of his office and notices ALL the forced drama as Eric and John get into fisticuffs over Olivia Horvath)

Eric Kurtzke: SHE IS MY WOMAN YOU LITTLE NUTSACK!

John Santos: Get ready to face off with “THE REAL AMERICAN HOMEBOY” and after you’re a skid on my fists I’M GONNA GIVE HER THE NIGHT OF MY LIFE!

(Cut to Renee and Mike as they are canoodling before cutting to Nick and Rebecca kissing before Traci Hines comes in through the front door with Nick)

Traci Hines: That’s not Nick! It’s his twin from another dimension! (Rebecca looks as Duplicate Nick reveals his Soul patch)

Duplicate Nick: I’ll kill her before I give her to you! You pansy!

Nick Yaun: I’ll show you who’s a pansy! (Cut to James and Paulo as they look at each other)

Paulo Fonseca: Let me guess, break out the extra concentrated Liquid IQ, get the crazy pills and tranquilizers while Eliza warms up the Time and Space device and have ORAC set coordinates for Nick’s duplicate’s dimension and we’ll get everything back to normal or as normal as things can be around here during the break.

TLOTA: How did…?

Paulo Fonseca: I’ve known you for a while. Trust me things like this remind me that this is just Monday!

TLOTA: That makes too much sense, sadly.

 (0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro as James walks back into his office.)

TLOTA: You know something, I swear my vocation has some Damned crazy days and very few sane ones and it’s the ones where everything is sane that are the freakiest! But here’s something you didn’t know. As I review these movies, my team sits and watches the movie as well. So, as I review this flaming bag of garbage, sadly my team must sit through watching this steaming hunk of crap! (Cut to everyone else as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The women of the group have already downed half a bottle of wine and other fine alcoholic liquors knowing how big a steaming pile this is and have done the sensible thing and got themselves soused! The guys on the other hand have the already begun knowing they’re going to suffer painfully as the look on their faces have the tell-tale signs of lack of laughter, inability to find joy and as is the way of all men forced to watch this garbage have begun to think of how much fun a trip off the Empire State building can be! (Cut to Paulo & Nick with their lower jaws slightly ajar)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Paulo & Nick have entered the dazed, confused and abandoned mode. They are currently in a hypnotic state of annoyance. They want to be angry but they’ve lost all emotions in them and can no longer express said anger because they’re no longer able to express the words in either physical or written form.  (Cut to John and Mike)

TLOTA (Voiceover): John sadly is now in the hollow mode. John’s brains have left his body and he is now an empty shell of his former self therefor he is nothing and has nothing left in him to care. Mike on the other hand is now in dead mode! Mike has LITERALLY died inside! Mike has surrendered any ounce of life to anything worth living for and has now realized the afterlife is a joke that constantly kicks him in the popos! (Cut to Eric)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And sadly, Eric is now in the final phase of Zombie mode! He now realizes that death was just the beginning! He now suffers in agony hungry for blood and brains then discovers that there are none found! Especially…. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: From any guy who was forced into watching this praying for a suicide bomber to blow the theater they’re watching at sky high! (Cut to everyone else on the couch)

Rebecca Yaun: Hey James, you do realize we can hear you!

Eliza Dushku: And the fact we know this movie is undeniable crap doesn’t mean we’re suffering.

Traci Hines: That’s right! We’ve just found ways to make the suffering more tolerable.

Olivia Horvath: As for the guys, we’ve doped them up on horse tranquilizers so they can’t scream in agony or do any harm to themselves. That’s the only way we could watch it without the sound of men groaning in agony!

Renee Miller: Also, close the damned door! We don’t need to hear you talking as we deal with this schlock! (The guys mumble before cutting to James’ office door as James grumbles until he gets to the door and apologizes before slamming the door then cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So as the school teacher quickly discovers her Doctor is married. Edison quickly gets shot down by the School teacher but gives Edison advice to give it to a girl around his age! Smart move.  You know I wonder sometimes what it would’ve been like for anyone who was dragged kicking and screaming!

(Cut to a theater where insects played by James Faraci, John & Mike Santos, Eric Kurtzke, Nick Yaun & Paulo Fonseca)

Insect (James): Hey! Hey! Look at all these ladies getting drunk!

Insect (Paulo): But what about all this fresh blood?

Insect (Nick): Hey guys those poor souls a few rows over there have slit their own wrists!

Insect (John): That’s nothing, I was in the projectionist’s room. He cried out “God Forgive Me!” as the movie started then his brains were splattered against the wall!

Insect (Mike): Why are all the guys ending their lives so violently?

Insect (Eric): It may have to do with what’s on the screen! (Cut to a screen where “Valentine’s Day” is being played before cutting back to the Insects)

Insect (James): You know, that can of Raid in the back of the theater is looking good right about now! Race everyone to it?

(The other insects nod in agreement as they run off screen as one second later the audio of the insect played by James shouts “OH SWEET CAN OF RAID! RELEASE US FROM THIS WORTHLESS ORB!” before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As Kara’s Anti-Valentine’s day party looks as if it’s a bust, Jamie Foxx’s Sportscaster character comes to it and turns it into something successful. Meanwhile Topher’s character still fuming about Anne Hathaway’s Character being a Phone Sex operator runs into Edison’s grandfather who is bemoaning the fact that he screwed up his marriage while a better romantic movie is being shown in the Hollywood Forever Cemetery but thankfully Edison’s grandparents kiss and makeup right as the scene behind them shows the two falling in love for the first time! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And now for every guy, I now give you this list of deaths from "Game Of Thrones" that are better than watching this garbage! (Cut to every single death from "Game Of Thrones" as "The Chicken Dance" plays in the background before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So Holden turns out to be the Quarterback’s boyfriend as he comes out, The Army Captain who happens to be Edison’s mom comes home just in time to be with her son, Edison’s grandparents enjoy the rest of the night together, Kara and the Sportscaster hook up, Anne Hathaway’s character and Topher Grace’s character reconcile, Harrison’s marriage ends in divorce and the movie ends with Reed the Florist giving the Jessica Alba character the BURN she deserves by not even answering her call to him and hooking up with the teacher in possibly the most schlockiest way possible! With only one word on my notes about the ending of this waste of time.(Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And that word is "FAIL!"! THIS MOVIE IS THE WORST THING HUMANITY EVER CONCIEVED! (Cut to a still of Donald Trump standing outside the White House before cutting to James physically) EVEN WORSE THAN THAT! (Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): IF THERE WAS EVER A REASON FOR ALL OUR COUNTRY’S ENEMIES TO UNITE AND DESTROY US, THIS IS THE DAMNED REASON! Look may Garry Marshall rest in peace but HOLY MOLY CANOLI! WHETHER HE WAS TOO GOD DAMNED SENILE TO THINK STRAIGHT OR KNEW HIS CAREER WAS ENDING HE MUST HAVE REALIZED HE MADE THE WORST MOVIE IN THE HISTORY OF CINEMA! THE WRITING IS INSIPID! THE ACTING?! HA IT’S A GOD DAMNED JOKE! I FELT I LOST AN ENTIRE DAY JUST TO SIT THROUGH THIS DOGPILE! THIS MOVIE CAN TAKE ITS OWN SCHLOCK AND SHOVE ITSELF SO FAR UP ITS OWN ASS IT CAN EAT ITS OWN EVER RECYCLING TURD FOR ALL FREAKING ETERNITY!! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to try to forget this movie ever existed! (Cut to James pulling out a case of Martinelli’s Sparkling Apple Cider and he opens a bottle.) My next little bit for this month was already made to go before I did this turkey. So I might as well get the one man Conga line going! I’M JAMES FARACI THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS AND I’LL SEE EVERYONE IN A MONTH! BY THEN I MAY EVEN BE IN A BETTER MOOD! GOD DAMN THIS MOVIE SUCKED GOAT POPOS!!

Monday, January 16, 2017

Bad Romance: Is The Fifty Shades Of Grey series secretly smart?

(An eye is looking around trying to discover what is going on until an audible scream is heard. Before cutting to Team TLOTA as Olivia Horvath brandishes a Minigun, Paulo Fonseca has twin gold plated desert eagles, Rebecca Yaun has 50 Sai Daggers, Nick Yaun has a Recurve Bow and a quiver full of weaponized arrows, Eric Kurtzke has a Katana, John Santos has a Semi Auto 30-06 Rifle, Mike Santos has axes of all size, Renee Miller has a sword, Eliza Dushku is brandishing ten Kunai & Traci Hines has a Semi-Auto 12 Gauge Shotgun with deer slugs before cutting to see “Cupid” played by Ed Champion strapped to a wall screaming before cutting to see everyone walking in slow motion either firing or throwing their weapons forwards in a straight line towards “Cupid” as the scene cuts to see “Cupid” Screaming as they either do very little damage or miss entirely before Olivia, Paulo, Rebecca, Eric & John move to their right and Mike, Renee, Eliza & Traci to their left as James Faraci The Last Of The Americans is seen in the center as he is brandishing a Rocket Launcher before cutting to “Cupid” with a look on his face that screams “DIAPERS TO BE DARKENED” before cutting to James firing the Rocket Launcher and the Rocket locks onto “Cupid” before cutting to everyone turning their back as the explosion engulfs the back wall and everyone has a look on their face that shows they’re not a happy bunch and the words “Bad Romance” is Stamped in Steel as 4:11-4:54 of Bad Romance plays in the background throughout the entire intro before cutting to James in his office)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. We're all aware of the Fifty Shades Of Grey books and the first movie that happened two years ago and the next movie coming out in a few weeks and next year the finale of this movie series that are a step below Z-Grade Soft Core Adult Movies. (Cut to clips of the first movie based on these books and clips from the "Fifty Shades Darker" trailer as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And yes, I WHOLLY AGREE with The Nostalgia Kid and every Internet reviewer who despise these as the Soft Core Schlock. But as I checked out the books and the clips from the first movie, I noticed certain themes, motifs and even certain truths that are prevalent in our society. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So before I see even ONE angry mob listen to why I ask this question Is "The Fifty Shades Of Grey" series secretly smarter than we give it credit for? (Cut to clips of the first movie based on these books and clips from the "Fifty Shades Darker" trailer as James does a voiceover)



TLOTA (Voiceover): Well I won't say it's on the same level as say something from Stephen Hawkins or anyone that same level. But I will say that it's not as dumb as some make it out to be. Creepy as ALL Get out but what do you expect when Fifty Shades Of Grey's source material is a adult romantic Twilight fanfic! That's right, the source behind Fifty Shades of Grey is a Twilight Fanfic! So I know it's good! Oy Vey! But regardless is the romance between Christian Grey & Anastasia Steele better or worse than the one between Bella & Edward. Well in The Twilight books Edward actually didn't want anything to do with Bella in the beginning it was through circumstance and bad decisions on Bella's part that made Edward slowly fall for Bella and conversely Bella was not interested in Edward in the beginning and it was because Edward was basically doing everything to keep her safe from harm that she doesn't do anything to harm Edward's family that she slowly begins not only to empower herself but discovers her emotional attachment to Edward was more than just some little crush. There was something there that the two could draw strength from each other. The romance between Anastasia and Christian on the other hand is very much like a hunter after his prey. But in a weird way it's even more realistic to how things may come to be. Christian has an agreement in order for him to be in bed doing the "In Bed Tango" with Anastasia whenever he wants and to a degree it's a little too realistic in some way it feels as if we NEED to have a legally binding contract just to go on a date in the first place. But for the sake of legal authenticity I did research and asked a lawyer to see if this contract has any legal standing ANYWHERE and I can conclusively say that it is NOT worth the paper it is written on. But I do understand Christian Grey's mentality on why he would even suggest it. He thinks romance and the in-bed tango is no different than a business deal and yeah his own backstory as a character makes me understand why he's the way he is, doesn't make him a good character but I understand the mentality of Christian. As for the intensity of adult themes of Fifty Shades Of Grey I would have to say yeah it is so close to being a Z-Grade Stag Film that it's not even funny. But that's because I know I'd never force myself onto a woman or even go as far as Christian goes when he wants Anastasia. However I do know that there are groups who are into that type of stuff and I won't judge them, if it's what they like then that is how they want to live their lives. Do I agree with their way of thinking when it comes to what arouses them?  No. Though it does take different strokes to move this rock. Will I talk to them socially without prejudice? Definitely. I don't judge people for what they do in their private life. If they think I'd be into certain things like say certain adult things, well I'm not a prude but I would like to think if I say no they know better and let me be and I think that's where it is smarter than it's source material. If it has attracted people into some of the darker and more twisted views of romance well I'd probably like to think it was in them already and this just made them feel as if they were as normal as anyone else. So it is smart but not as secretly smart as I thought it was. But it is smart in a certain way we can't think of it being. Do I recommend the books and/or movies? Hell No! Will I ever review them? I maybe crazy, but I'm not that far gone! All I can tell you is if you are into this and you've found something to like, then good for you. Me I'll try to enjoy the more realistic aspects of romance. If I'm ever in a relationship with a woman. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to get myself ready to deal with possibly my greatest assault on my intelligence ever. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion!