Monday, April 16, 2018

The Fall of Channel Awesome #ChangeTheChannel

(Opening begins at the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Originally, I had planned a "Reality Checkout" about "Jersey Shore" but that is gonna have to wait until May. Right now I need to express my thoughts on the recent events that has shaken the Internet Reviewer Universe to the core. (Cut to current Channel Awesome Logo intro before cutting to clips of The Nostalgia Critic as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As of recent, Channel Awesome has begun to crash and BURN! They had a Tenth anniversary special planned that got cancelled. All of their production contributors have ran off and the site has seen less and less people come on to their site and  their YouTube Channel has seen subscribers leave. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And to be honest, they've got no one to blame but themselves. Let me give you guys some backstory. A while back some of the former Channel Awesome Contributors and producers and former administrator Holly Brown decided to come together in a Twitter conversation about how Channel Awesome is in fact the worst place to contribute to. I'm talking stories about harassment, abuse, jokes that were considered in such bad taste Adam Sandler would've booed at them and fraudulent uses of their funds from crowdfunding. If you want to know more here is a link to a near eighty page document explaining everything: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WZFkR__B3Mk9EYQglvislMUx9HWvWhOaBP820UBa4dA/preview 

And how is Channel Awesome handling this? Are they being responsible by apologizing, making amends to their former contributors and producers? Has there been any shaking up of the higher-ups so that someone responsible to force them to do what is right? NOPE! (Cut to images of Channel Awesome and their Non-Apologies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Instead they've double downed on the claims of their innocence, not apologizing and not firing the source of the problem their CEO Mike Michaud! From what I've heard, this guy is a Chauvinistic Neanderthal Pig of A PIECE OF TRASH! He has TWICE not taken responsibility nor has he had the dignity apologize for his actions. Instead blaming the former contributors and producers. Saying that he feels sorry they felt gypped by his ass! Then he has gall to put alleged "facts" trying to dispute the former contributors and producers claims. Saying basically our smoke & mirrors are stronger than their Smoke & Mirrors. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Mike Michaud, you make me sick we're the same species let alone the same gender! Actually I take it back you and I are NOT the same species. You are a pig! Me, I am an evolved human being who continues to grow and change! I'm sorry for coming off so angrily but I hate it when the wrong things happen and no one stops it. However I am going to be conscientious enough to offer the solution to make Michaud realize how bad he is and give the former producers and contributors a sense of closure. Legal actions! (Cut to former Channel Awesome Contributors and Producers as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Looking over the document, this has all the makings of a class action suit! You can take Channel Awesome for all its worth because after everything Michaud has put you guys through, your rights matter, your decency matter, your respect matters, everything Mike Michaud took from you guys, you deserve retribution! You may hurt Doug and Rob Walker in the process but eventually they will  forgive you and see things your way and see what Michaud has done! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Or... Doug and Rob Walker along with an outside party including a lawyer can work out a deal where Mike Michaud can apologize for every heinous act he committed and then leave in the ton of shame he brought to Channel Awesome. But seeing as how Michaud believes he's infallibly bulletproof and he isn't going anywhere. I really think Channel Awesome will be facing that suit which means sadly the end of Channel Awesome. (Cut to clips of Classic Channel Awesome moments as from crossovers, Anniversary Specials and reviews as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
And honestly if this does kill Channel Awesome I won't let how they went down the toilet ruin the fun I had watching them. I will remember a lot of their work with fond thoughts instead of the jack-ass that killed Channel Awesome. Because for all the garbage that has come out as of late, I still hold hope things will get better and good will triumph. But I also believe I think its time to let them know that they need to do what is right. Channel Awesome needs to #ChangeTheChannel in order to keep themselves Awesome! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And this is to every former Channel Awesome contributor and producer. Know you are always welcomed at Manic-Expression.com, you will get better exposure at Manic-Expression.com and you will be treated with respect. The offer is out there for you to call it your new home. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans & That's My opinion!

Monday, April 9, 2018

Flipping "Woody" The Bird

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Robo Knight Robo Morpher and punching in the code 428 then cut to James jumping down a cliff from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci landing and fully morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans basic mode with his Long sleeve Tee-Shirt with the American flag design on it, Blue cargo Jeans and Black Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James fighting alongside the 2017 Power Rangers Movie Power Rangers at the 0:13 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:14-0:17 show Rebecca Yaun as Wonder Woman  and Nick Yaun as Steve Trevor charging the screen before cutting to John and Mike Santos peeling out in The DeLorean From “Back To The Future” before cutting to the 0:17-0:19 mark as it shows Paulo & Brenda Fonseca taking a joyride in KITT from “Knight Rider” in Super Pursuit Mode before cutting to the 0:20-0:28 mark as we see Eric Kurtzke, Ed Champion and Andrew Beach flying the USS Enterprise from “Star Trek” (2009) and Olivia Horvath flying The Orville as it cuts to the 0:28 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James stands on top of his Time and Space device and tosses his sonic screwdriver then cuts over to multiple clips from the past five years of “The Last Of The Americans” reviews as the Sonic Screwdriver flips end over end as the 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run plays when James grabs it while on top of a slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo & Brenda Fonseca, John & Mike Santos, Eric Kurtzke, Olivia Horvath on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Ed Champion on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James getting ready to enter the John Wayne Memorial Airport while the opening music from “Airplane” by Elmer Bernstein plays in the background before the music cuts abruptly to see James find Ted & Elaine from “Airplane” being romantic.)
TLOTA:
Ted? Elaine? (Cut to Ted and Elaine)
Ted & Elaine (In Unison):
Hey James! (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
What are you guys doing? (Cut to Ted and Elaine)
Ted:
Well, it’s not only the anniversary of the flight that reunited us for good, it’s our wedding anniversary. 35 years and still going strong.
Elaine:
And every year we take a flight to someplace quiet and romantic. (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Groovy. Where are the two of you going this year? (Cut to Ted and Elaine)
Ted & Elaine (In Unison):
North Korea! (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Well, Allllllllllllllllrighty then! I’ve got my own flight to catch. (The music returns just as abruptly as James makes his way to his flight as he’s accosted by Hare Krishnas who works on James’ sanity until he Inspector Willoughby tosses a Hare Krishna, just as James takes his seat the romantic music from “Airplane” plays as James discovers he’s seated next to Julia Alexa Miller)
Julia Alexa Miller:
James?
TLOTA:
Alex! What are you doing on this flight?
Julia Alexa Miller:
I’m prepping for some photo shoots, Seeing if we can film some scenes in "Life As A Mermaid" around your neck of the woods. You?
TLOTA:
I’m heading home. (Cut to the Airline Flight Attendants played by Olivia Horvath, Brenda Fonseca and Rebecca Yaun give the passengers the instructions before cutting to the fight staff played by Paulo Fonseca, Eric Kurtzke and Renee Miller before cutting to the plane taking off then cutting to the coach cabin area of the plane where James and Julia Alexa Miller are sitting.)
TLOTA:
So what’s the in-flight entertainment?
Julia Alexa Miller:
The Woody Woodpecker Movie.
TLOTA:
Woody Woodpecker?! I LOVE THAT LITTLE RED HEADED DEVILISH DERVISH OF DESTRUCTION AND DEMOLITION! Let’s watch it! (Cut to a black screen as the words “One Viewing Later” are seen as it cuts to James being stopped by Alex as he tries to head for the door to exit the plane that’s in mid-flight.)
Julia Alexa Miller:
JAMES, STOP RIGHT NOW!
TLOTA:
NO! It’s the only way to get the memory of this ungodly abomination out of my head!
Julia Alexa Miller:
JAMES WAIT A SECOND, I’m sure there must be another way. Wait one moment. Okay, how many of you were disappointed by the movie we just saw! (Cut to the Coach Cabin as everyone raises their hands before cutting to Julia Alexa Miller.) Okay, would you like to take part in a live review with an Internet Reviewer? (Everyone shouts YEAH!) Okay then, Ladies and Gentlemen I give you Mr. James Faraci The Last Of The Americans! (Everyone in the cabin applauds as James makes his way to the Microphone and his voice is distorted before James uses his Sonic Screwdriver to clear up the audio.)
TLOTA:
There, that’s better! I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and possibly everyone on this plane who saw what we just saw! (Ugh) I think Hollywood has driven the whole live action remake of classic cartoon characters so far into the ground that it’s eating General Tso’s Chicken! (Cut to covers of Live Action movies starring CGI recreation of classic characters as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Yeah, I think we’ve pretty much done everything possible to ruin our childhood icons. The movies based on Hanna-Barbera Cartoon characters, Alvin & The Chipmunks, The Smurfs, Marmaduke, the Garfield movies, the Transformers, G.I. Joe and so many more that have pretty much made us want to do everything in our power to find our favorite classics and ignore the newer crap. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And the most recent one to now suffer is sadly Woody Woodpecker! (Cut to classic cartoon clips of Woody Woodpecker as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Created by Walter Lantz after his honeymoon was ruined by a woodpecker who did his duty non-stop. Woody first appeared in the Andy Panda short “Knock Knock” and quickly became a favorite of kids and adults being on par with Bugs, Daffy, Elmer, Tweety, Sylvester, Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, Goofy, Tom & Jerry and Droopy. As a matter of fact, Woody had some top-notch animation icons from Disney, MGM & Warner Brothers worked on the character including Alex Lovey & Tex Avery. He’s been performed by legendary voice actors like Billy West and Walter Lantz’s wife Grace Stafford. So, after a long furlough away from the public eye of course Universal would make a movie featuring the character fifteen years after their last attempt to bring the character back to prominence. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And seeing all of us here just saw what has just happened we all need to either turn this plane into a suicide bomber taking out all of Hollywood or the usual route when something like this happens. (Cut to Opening Credit of 2018 Live Action Woody Woodpecker movie before cutting to clips of the movie as the theme from the 1980’s syndicated Woody Woodpecker Show theme plays in the foreground as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
If this isn’t the nail in the coffin when it comes to live action movies starring animated icons of the past then nothing will stop it. The plot is all over the place, the acting in on par for one of these types of movies, everything about this movie just points to one thing…DEATH! No Joke if you decide for some demented and twisted reason decide to buy the movie on DVD the first few seconds of the music on the main menu sounds like a funeral dirge! That should be a sign that we’re in for a WHOLE world of pain! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
So let’s not wait forever for the evil that is The Woody Woodpecker Movie! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
As our movie begins we’re introduced to Woody Woodpecker voiced by… (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
One second, Alex hand me my Tablet. (James gets his tablet and types in Woody Woodpecker’s voice actor.) Eric Bauza and if I’m right he’s…! Oh my god! HE’S NOT A FAMOUS ACTOR! HE’S A VOICEOVER ARTIST! WOO-HOO! (Cut to clips of other movies featuring Animated Icons as they’re being voiced by celebrities as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
There has been a trend for celebrities to lend their voices to portray classic characters. But this is one thing I give this movie credit for doing, using actual voiceover artists playing the character. Believe me, it was distracting to hear Jason Lee as Underdog or Amy Poehler, Anna Faris and Christina Applegate as The Chipettes and the less said about Dan Aykroyd’s performance as Yogi Bear the better. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
However there are other things that send this movie into rage inducing territory like recycling other plots from these movies. Shall we go over them? (Cut to the movie as “The Chicken Dance” plays over the clips as it goes to movies that have similar plot points to The Woody Woodpecker Movie. Before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
We’re soon introduced to Lance Walters played by NO! NO! BAD LASSIE! BAD! BAD! BAD LASSIE! WHY DID YOU SIGN ON TO DO THIS MOVIE TIMOTHY OMUNDSON?! Actually, I know exactly why, Timothy Omundson was on vacation with his family and Alex Zamm saw he was there waiting for “Psych: The Movie” to be developed, waved a huge paycheck to him and he signed on no questions asked. But I digress, Lance is a recently fired lawyer who decides to head on up to his grandfather’s property with his young hot Sofia Vergara looking fiancée named Vanessa to build a place, flip it for cash and start his own law firm. Meanwhile his ex-wife hands Lance his kid and… WAIT A MINUTE! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
I hate doing back to back jokes when I do a review but this time around it must be done. Let’s go over the stock clichés for this type of film. (Cut to clips of the movie as it does a checklist of clichés that are prevalent in these types of movies as the Woody Woodpecker theme song from the 1999 Woody Woodpecker show before cutting back to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Something else to note, Woody at times will break the fourth wall to address the audience. Remind you of anyone else? (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
I SAID, “REMIND YOU OF ANYONE ELSE?” (An airline stewardess who looks like James’ cousin Circe hands James a phone before cutting to Deadpool being played by Cambell Dodson poolside)
Deadpool:
Yeah, I watched the movie you saw and no! You may have paid me my usual fee and all the chimichangas I can eat and then I decided No! Not worth getting off my ass and not being compared to another red headed bastard! Peace out needle dick! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Lance, his fiancée Vanessa and Lance’s kid makes it to a place I consider paradise which just so happens to have a crystal-clear stream with plenty of fresh water suitable for fishing, enough quiet land for woodland creatures to thrive upon even after the hunting seasons are over Lance wants to build… (Show the clip in which Lance and Vanessa show the repulsive eyesore of a McMansion) that monstrosity! After seeing what they are planning Lance’s kid decides to hit the forest and meets up with our CGI Red-Headed Nightmare and befriends and gives Woody his name. As Lance’s kid comes back Woody joins him leading to Family Friendly Movie Cliché No.428: Fart Jokes and unfunny slapstick (Show clip of Woody Farting whist doing his signature laugh as Lance is trying to smack Woody and hit Vanessa before cutting to James physically as he sarcastically mockingly Woody Woodpecker’s laugh before cutting back to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Lance begins to build his house Woody decides to be the only character actively fighting the crew tooth and nail leading to EVEN more unfunny slapstick including pooping on Vanessa and dumping concrete on Lance and Vanessa. Meanwhile Lance’s Kid goes into town as we see generic female kid equivalent to Lance’s kid give Lance’s kid a guitar if Lance’s kid plays in her band and gets harassed by generic bullies who do nothing else in the movie except be targets for Woody and are never seen again. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Generic characters for when you can’t come up with any originality at all. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Meanwhile Lance hires Waspinator from “Beast Wars: Transformers” and Michael Amar from “Arrow” to get rid of Woody. I’m not even joking, those are the actors behind the characters. Scott McNeill from such shows like “Beast Wars: Transformers”, “Reboot”, and the voice of Wolverine in “X-Men: Evolution” and Adrian McMorran the actor behind Dylan from “Dark Angel”, “Inias” from “Supernatural” & “Jeremy Creek” from the Pilot of “Smallville” are the villains in this movie. Their first tag-team attempt ends with the Redneck Brothers foiled and Lance ending up electrocuted! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
I don’t know if I should be surprised by how much talent is in this movie or how they're being made to be targets for Woody. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Anyhow, construction slows down to a crawl and Woody blows the RV up nearly killing Vanessa in the process. Finally, Vanessa has had enough and leaves. Adiós y Vaya con el Diablo you Sofia Vergara knockoff! (The footage shakes before cutting to James as the plane starts to experience turbulence.)
TLOTA:
Due to conditions beyond my control I must take a break! We’ll be right back! (James runs to the cockpit to see it empty.) OH MY GOD! Stewardess! (The Stewardess who looks like James’ cousin Circe runs in.) Listen to me, there is a guy on board. His name is Striker! Ted Striker! Find him, he’ll be on a layaway to North Korea. Don’t ask, just get him and get a doctor! (Julia runs into the cockpit.)
Julia Alexa Miller:
What is going on? (James closes the cockpit door)
TLOTA:
As of this moment we have no flight and navigation crew and we’re on auto pilot until the only person here who is on a layaway flight with his wife to North Korea can fly this thing, don’t ask and I don’t know if he can handle it. (The Cockpit door opens to reveal Christopher Eccleston.) You’re not Ted Striker. (Cut to Christopher Eccleston)
Christopher Eccleston:
They were asking for a Doctor and I raised my hand and they had me look at the flight crew and I could tell even without real medical expertise that it was food poisoning from the fish meal. (Cut to James & Julia)
TLOTA:
I know I ordered the Chicken Tikka Masala, so anyone who ordered the fish is up the creek sans a paddle, a boat, life preservers and have probably forgotten their swimming lessons. (Two Stewardesses come into the cockpit next to Christopher Eccleston.)
Stewardess (Circe):
We have a problem the man you need, Ted Striker had the fish as did his wife.
Christopher Eccleston:
Any other good news?
Stewardess (Olivia):
We’re out of coffee!
Christopher Eccleston:
Oh Fantastic, ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC! A FLIGHT CREW WE CAN DO WITHOUT! BUT WE HAVE NO FREAKING COFFEE!?! (Cut to James and Julia)
TLOTA:
Okay everyone shut up! Eccleston, tend to the sick to the best of your abilities, Stewardesses, keep the passengers calm. Alex, you’re going be my co-pilot as I fly this.
Julia Alexa Miller:
Are you serious? I’m a director and a photographer! This is an entirely new thing for me! All Together! (Cut to everyone else)
Everyone else (In Unison):
This is an entirely new thing for me! (The plane hits turbulence as James gets into the pilot’s chair before cutting to the Sullivan County Airport as the flight crew listen intently.)
TLOTA (Audio):
Pilot to Flight Control! Pilot to Flight Control! Mayday! Mayday! This is James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, listen up the Pilot and Navigation crew are incapacitated, the only man who could’ve flown this thing is incapacitated so now I have to fly and land this plane, I’m reviewing the Live Action Straight to DVD Woody Woodpecker movie (Cut to James and Julia in the cockpit)
TLOTA:
And we’ve ran out of coffee! (The audio of everyone screaming drowns out everything as James restarts the Auto Pilot before James and Julia look to see everyone on the flight in a brawl that’d make Jerry Springer walk away in abandonment before cutting to James and Julia at the cockpit door.) Alex, now would be a good time to close the cockpit and not open it until we land! (James and Julia walk backwards and close the door before cutting to the the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before fading to black then cut back to the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to the airport landing crew and it’s chief played by Mike Santos.)
Chief (Played by Mike Santos):
Alright listen up, I need to know everything about this James Faraci The Last Of The Americans.
Jonny (Played by Steve Kidd):
He’s 6ft 1in, an Internet Reviewer, a Taurus, straight, lives with and takes care of his parents and can bench press a couch!
Airport worker #2 (Played by Andrew Beach):
Chief, we’ve got the press outside!
Chief:
Jonny, you handle the press.
Jonny:
The same way Donald Trump does? (The Chief nearly backhands Jonny before he walks out to the press junket before cutting to the Press)
Press Member #1 (Played by Chris Stuckmann):
What can you tell us about the flight crew? (Cut to Jonny)
Jonny:
Well they’re nice guys especially after a shower! (Cut to the Press)
Press Member #2 (Played by Antoni Matei Garcia):
What of the stories about the fish dish having been mishandled causing the food poisoning that’s incapacitated the flight crew and half of the passengers. (Cut to Jonny)
Jonny:
Well those are nice stories except the ones on the Fake News Channels (Cut to the press)
Press Member #3 (Played by Taylor Wyatt):
What exactly can you tell us about the plane? (Cut to Jonny)
Jonny:
Well it’s a nice silver plane with pretty colors, Wi-Fi and plenty of bathrooms but no showers. (Cut to the press)
Press Member #4 (Played by Angelo Misseri):
Okay, let’s get some photos! (The press grabs photos from anyplace they can get it before cutting to a tv as a Daily Show Trevor Noah-Esque show as the host played by Sean Taylor Simmons talks about the Plane flight)
Daily Show Trevor Noah-Esque host:
So it appears that a plane flight is going to end in tragedy and we all know who’s to blame right? Of course, our President Donald Trump because a guy who thinks 2+2=4 who is not my president is also the reason we’re going to have a tragedy in which people who should be able to fly in peace and comfort will die! (Channel Changes to a non-bias news network and its host played by Eric Kurtzke.)
The Non-bias news host:
And as that lone internet reviewer tries to land the plane safely, please know that we have a country divided by political and personal differences, I must say ask that everyone put their crap away and hope and pray in their own way for a safe landing where even those who are in ill health makes it back to terra firma in one piece!
(Cut to James and Julia in the cockpit of the plane.)
Julia Alexa Miller:
I have an idea. Everyone has been hearing your review of the Woody Woodpecker Movie. The review kept everyone calm. You work on the review and try to fly the plane and hopefully not go... (James gives Julia the “Seriously” look) Okay I forgot you're an Internet Reviewer and crazy is Monday for you, let’s just work on flying and reviewing the movie.
TLOTA:
Good idea. (James picks up and clears up the intercom.) Good evening everyone, to keep you all as calm as I can I am going to continue a review I did while I was in coach which I’m sure everyone heard because of the intercom. (Cut to the airport and the airport landing crew.)
Chief (Played by Mike Santos):
Is that such a good idea? You have a lot on your plate as is. (Cut to Jonny as he goes next to a portlier landing crew member)
Jonny:
And Lewis here is getting FAAAAATER!
 (Cut to James and Julia in the cockpit of the plane.)
TLOTA:
It was the only thing that kept the coach flyers from rioting and killing the Pilot and Navigation crew. Which now is a moot point but still I have got to do something to keep everyone calm. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Lance and his kid bond we also see Lance’s kid becoming friends with the Generic Female equivalent and her friend as they practice for a Generic Summer Festival. (Show the kids play “Surfing Bird” as Woody continues to disturb the construction of the repulsive eyesore of a McMansion after the end of the sequence the movie cuts to see a copy of the movie being placed out in the middle of the field as “Still” by Geto Boys in the background as the cast and crew of “Life As A Mermaid” and Team TLOTA demolish the DVD in the same style of gag as “Office Space”/ “Family Guy” with Cambell Dodson and John Ross Santos going the most insane by punching and jumping on the demolished remains as James and everyone grab the two before seeing both teams walk away before cutting to James and Julia in the cockpit as Julia looks at James.)
TLOTA:
What? You weren’t thinking that?
(Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Eventually having had enough Lance tries a different route, diplomacy. Lance leaves Woody one box of Peanut Butter Cookies once a day for Woody and Woody allows them to build that repulsive eyesore of a McMansion. (Cut to James and Julia in the cockpit as they see something fly off James’ right window.)
Julia Alexa Miller:
What was that?
TLOTA:
Sad to say but one of the messages that they wanted to convey. Jumped right off the wing! (Cut to flight control at the Sullivan County Airport)
Chief:
Someone just died? I picked a hell of a week to quit drinking, taking opioids and sniffing glue!  (The Chief takes a swig while downing an opioid looks at the tube of glue and says to himself "Maybe later")
Airport worker #2 (Played by Andrew Beach):
Chief, we’ve got someone on the way to help. That’s the good news. The bad news, the internet is ablaze about this story! Plane ride heading for tragedy!
Airport Worker #3 (Played by Ed Champion):
Passengers certain to die!
Chief:
Airline and Airport negligent!
Jonny:
There’s a Sale on Amazon! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
One day Lance’s kid and his friends are exploring the woods and my hopes that Pennywise from “IT” devouring the little generic gang are dashed as they find the redneck brothers and their illegal taxidermy lair and instead of doing something intelligent and CALL THE AUTHORITIES. The three decide to go to the festival the following night even Woody comes and enjoys himself, but maybe a little too much. (Cut to scene where Woody poops and ½ of the redneck brothers eat the poop and Woody sounds like he’s disgusted he did that before cutting to James and Julia in the cockpit)


TLOTA & Julia Alexa Miller (In Unison):
THEN WHY IN THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT?!
(Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Meanwhile Lance is glad to be there and know his McMansion is done and Lance’s kid is gonna perform at the festival. That is until their drummer got into a hotdog eating contest and tosses his Chili, fortunately Woody comes in saving the band and everyone loves them. After Woody leaves the festival, Woody decides to do something nice for Lance and peck a mural of Lance, his kid and Woody in the McMansion that is until Woody “ACCIDENTALLY” torches the eyesore. But in my mind, he did humanity a favor. The next morning Lance surveys the destruction and believes Woody did him wrong intentionally. So in for the eyesore being demolished in for Woody’s home being turned into firewood and the redneck brothers taking Woody. Lance’s kid runs from Lance in disgust in hopes to save Woody from the redneck brothers. Lance discovers the remains of the mural and realizes too late that Woody did it accidentally and that he has been an ASS 95% of this movie’s run time. Even Lassie from “Psych” wasn’t that much of an ass. But I digress Lance asks for help from the forest ranger who’d been in this movie, but I’ve mainly been ignoring until she became important to the plot. (Cut to James and Julia in the cockpit when the chief comes in on the Radio.)
Chief (Audio):
Flight Control to Pilot, Flight Control to Pilot. James are you there? Over.
TLOTA:
Haven’t gone anywhere, over!
Chief (Audio):
But you’re still flying that plane, you must be somewhere, Over.
TLOTA:
(Under his breath): Wiseass. (Aloud): Judging by our Navcom we’re over Southern Pennsylvania heading to Sullivan County Airport. We have a few hours left before we’re out of fuel, and we will need to land within the hour preparing for landing instructions, Over. (Cut to the airport and the airport landing crew.)
Chief:
Unfortunately we do not have an open runway for you to land. The first one available, we’ll contact you. However, we have someone who can help you land that plane, he’ll meet us in the tower!
Jonny:
THE TOWER? THE TOWER! THE TOWER! RAPUNZEL! RAPUNZEL!
Chief:
Tell me James, (Cut to James and Julia in the cockpit when the chief comes in on the Radio.)
Chief (Audio):
Does the name Murdoc ring any bells? (Dramatic music plays in the background.)
TLOTA:
Trust me, he’s a bell ringer and if I were you, I wouldn’t trust Murdoc as far as you can throw him!
Julia Alexa Miller:
I take it you know him?
TLOTA:
And I despise the ground he slithers upon! Back in my early 20’s I had written a script. He sold it as his own, the movie never got made, I lost a costly lawsuit. Never forgave him for it and I never will! Now that son of a…
Murdoc (Audio):
Oh come now James, this is not the time for old grudges!
TLOTA:
Hello Murdoc! (Cut to the airport tower as Murdoc played by John Ross Santos looking like the classic Murdoc from the classic MacGyver series.)
Murdoc:
Besides, this flight crew is very well armed, even if I were to try to con you, I wouldn’t last long.
TLOTA (Audio):
I know you well enough. You’d slaughter them without so much as a second thought and sell it as self-defense by reason of temporary insanity. So, if one person even so much as dies on this flight or anyone in the flight landing crew, I’ll find a way back and I don’t care how it happens just know I will and I will END YOU! Right now, I’m the only hope for this plane to land safely. So, trust me I’m doing everything to control myself while landing the plane safely.

(Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Lance’s kid and his generic friends find The Redneck Brothers selling Woody on the Black Market and get caught as does Lance and the Forest Ranger. Before Woody is killed by the Redneck Brothers, Lance apologizes to both Woody and his kid. Woody begs to live for a sequel which I hope to god will never get made, then Lance lets the bird out of the cage to send the redneck brothers straight to jail and our movie ends with Lance deciding to build something a little more moderate and Woody getting a new home. (Show ending as Woody goes out of the movie to say, “Boy Someone’s in a hurry for the credits, see ya!” flies off before seeing pools of blood all over the screen and a squeegee blade as Deadpool pops into frame!)
Deadpool:
Yeah, I decided even though not to appear in the review, I figured eh What the hell, Slaughter the bird for Woodpecker Chimichangas and get you past the end credits.  (Cut to James and Julia in the cockpit of the plane.)
Julia Alexa Miller:
Why what’s after the end credits? Unless… James if there’s a post credit scene setting up for a sequel.
TLOTA:
Ten steps ahead I am reprograming the Navcom and bomb Hollywood for the travesty we just sat through. (Cut back past the end credits to see the opening of the Woody Woodpecker short “Niagara Fools” before cutting to James and Julia as they gasp in a smile before cutting to the short as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
HOLY MOLY! IT’S A WOODY WOODPECKER SHORT THAT’S FUNNY! MY GOD THIS IS A REWARD FOR SITTING THROUGH THE MOVIE! THIS IS A POT OF FREAKING GOLD! (Cut to James and Julia in the cockpit of the plane.)
TLOTA:
Which after sitting through this thing twice is a reward enough. THIS IS THE BIGGEST PILE OF BIRD POOP SINCE FREAKING BIRDEMIC! (Cut to clips of the movie as the theme from the 1980’s syndicated Woody Woodpecker Show theme plays in the foreground as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
I will give the movie the following in the positive column. One, it is short and the short after the movie ends is the reward for sitting through this thing and sifting through a near hour and half of this bird poop. Two, Timothy Omundsen is not bad, but again you can tell that he’s waiting for “Psych: The Movie”. Three, No Big-name actor playing Woody Woodpecker, Eric Bauza did amazing as Woody. Kind of makes me wonder what his next role will be as… (Cut to a still of Splinter in “Rise Of The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as James goes “Uhhhh” before cutting to the movie as James continues his voiceover.) However, the rest of the movie is so generically bad. Generically Bad Characters, Generically Bad Writing even the music is so generically bad. I really had very few expectations except hoping beyond hope that this movie would NOT be as bad as say “Alvin & The Chipmunks” and the Squeakquels that came after it or The Live Action “Scooby-Doo” movies or even as bad as The Live-Action “Yogi Bear” movie, well I was wrong, this movie makes those movies out to be freaking Shakespeare in comparison. Bottom line, this is one bird that deserves to be Stuffed and Roasted. (Cut to James and Julia in the cockpit of the plane.)
TLOTA:
And now if everyone will assume crash positions we’re going to be landing soon, before I forget I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that’s my opinion. (Christopher Eccleston pops in to wish the duo Good luck before cutting to the tower as Murdoc gives the instructions to James before cutting to James and Julia.)
TLOTA:
I see the runway. Sounding the emergency landing signal! (Dramatic Landing music from “Airplane!” plays in the foreground before cutting to the tower as Murdoc gives more instructions before cutting to the Airport worker played by Ed Champion tells about how many feet up James is and calls James an asshole before cutting to James & Julia in the cockpit as the runway lights cut out.)
James & Julia (In Unison):
WHAT THE…?! (Cut to the tower as we see Jonny with a plug in his hand)
Jonny:
Just messing with ya! (Jonny snickers & chuckles as he plugs it back in before cutting to James and Julia as they land the plane before cutting back to the tower.)
Chief:
OH MY GOD THEY’RE COMING OUR WAY! (The Chief runs out a window before cutting to the plane as it lands but isn’t stopping as James pulls and slams on the brakes before cutting to Christopher Eccleston wishing the duo Good luck before cutting to the plane as it spins while it lands, and ground crew scream and run away from the spinning sphere of metal before cutting to the tower where Jonny is on the phone.)
Jonny:
AUNTIE EM! UNCLE HENRY! TOTO! IT’S A TWISTER! IT’S A TWISTER! IT’S A TWISTER! (Cut to the plane as it stops before cutting to James as he opens up the emergency landing slide before cutting to the passengers as they slide out before cutting to James and Julia as they walk out of the cockpit together and closes the door before Christopher opens the door just to wish no one there Good Luck before cutting to James and Julia on the runway as James is just about to kiss Julia before a gun click is heard.)
Murdoc (Audio only):
You know you ruined my future as well as yours. (James and Julia turn around before cutting to Murdoc)
Murdoc:
Now the only way to reclaim it is to take yours from you. (Cut to James and Julia)
TLOTA:
I feel sorry you feel you must do this and I am even sorrier that I must do this! (Cut to a hand as it turns on the engines to the plane using a paper clip and the screwdriver blade from a Swiss Army Knife before cutting to James and Julia as they run before Murdoc turns around as it cuts to the cockpit to see MacGyver (2016) played by Nick Yaun as he gets the engines fully going before cutting to Murdoc as he is lifted off the ground and thrown into the turbine)
Murdoc:
MACGYVER! (Cut to James and Julia as they turn away from Murdoc being eviscerated by the Jet engine before hearing the engine shut down.)
TLOTA:
Well if the new MacGyver series hasn’t killed Murdoc yet, I did them a favor!
Julia Alexa Miller:
Yeah, where were we?
TLOTA:
Right here I think. (Music from the romantic kiss in “Airplane” play for two seconds as James once again tries to kiss Julia Alexa Miller before Julia Alexa Miller decides to put the kibosh on it and the music cuts out two seconds later.)
Julia Alexa Miller:
You know watching a guy be shredded to ground meat kind of kills the mood.
TLOTA:
Yeah, Kind of figured as much. Would you like a drink?
Julia Alexa Miller:
Absolutely. (James and Julia walk away before cutting to black)

Thursday, March 29, 2018

Ten of my Favorite Episodes of "Life As A Mermaid"

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James physically in his office)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and The views I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. If I didn't make it crystal clear last year I really, really, REALLY love the series "Life As A Mermaid"! (Cut to clips of "Life As A Mermaid" while the music from the opening credits to the show is being played in the foreground as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Conceived by the very talented Julia Alexa Miller & Chad Narducci, based on a story by Ryan Patton with the series mainly written by Yale Apter & Holden Weihs with the series primarily directed by Julia Alexa Miller and produced by Validus Productions. The series follows two mermaids. Madison played by Taylor Huff and her sister Valerie played by Marcella Di Pasquale and the adventures they have in our world with their friends. It may sound simple however there is so much greatness in the simplicity and there's a lot to like about the show. The writing is incredibly strong, the acting is phenomenal, the production value might not be Hollywood level but it is so damned impressive it gives Hollywood a run for it's money and as of this post, they're getting ready for their fourth season which for me is great because I hope they continue this great series. But for now I'm celebrating the series so far by counting down my favorite episodes, minisodes & specials from one of the best series on YouTube out there. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
But let me suffix this now, I will possibly revive this list later on down the line. In addition I will eventually be doing mini-reviews of the seasons and for those who haven't seen the series, well... Doctor if you would. (Cut to a clip of  the Doctor Who Christmas Special "The Husbands Of River Song" as The Doctor says "Spoilers" and looks out to the landscape of Darillium before cutting to James physically) Thank You Doctor. This is a list of my Ten favorite episodes of "Life As A Mermaid"  (Cut to clips of "Life As A Mermaid" while the music from the opening credits to the show is being played in the foreground before cutting to the title card and then the bubbles putting the words "Top Ten of The Last Of The Americans" on top of the title and on the bottom of the title the words "Favorite Episodes" before cutting to a pile of bubbles before showing the number)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number Ten

10) "Captivity" from Season Two (Cut to clips from the episode as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Madison's quest to rescue her sister continues. Madison and her friends take Stanley played by Cambell Dodson who happen to be with the bad guys this season as their hostage. Not even kidding this is one, Nat played by Maria Feist even threatens to... well (Show clip of Nat threatening to turn Stanley's head into a Chili Bowl before cutting to James scared out of his Marbles screaming "YOWZA!" before returning to the episode as James continues his voiceover) Eventually the team get Stanley to turn on those who dragged him into the events of this season and we get a great moment where we see the start of the romantic relationship between Madison & Will played by Nick Slimmer and we get a great moment of development from Stanley (Show moment in where Stanley tells his story as to why he was during the season and the moment when he turns to Madison's side.) This is one of the best ways to turn one of the bad guys into one of the good guys without some convoluted plot device. Just by simply talking with someone to help them out. An overall great episode from this great series and worthy of my list.


(Fade to black before cutting to a pile of bubbles before showing the number)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number Nine

9) "Aquanania" (Cut to "Aquanania" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Believe it or not, their first holiday special nearly made this list but I'm saving it for later on in the year. What puts this special so close to the bottom of the list is the fact is that it's fairly recent. But WOW is it enjoyable. We discover that Stanley will enjoy any holiday on the Calendar and one of the holidays that Madison and Valerie celebrate. A two week blowout that gives Hanukkah and Christmas a run for it's money. Aquanania and instead of me telling you about it, lets just have Madison and Valerie explain their holiday! (Cut to Madison and Valerie as they talk about Aquanania intercut with the others reacting and James nodding his head as if to say "Yeah, I'm following" all the way through to the end before cutting to James physically as a flag comes out of each of James' ears a Cuckoo Bird goes "Cuckoo" coming off of James' scalp and a noise maker from a party is seen as crazy music is playing in the foreground before cutting to "Aquanania" and James continues a voiceover) So if you followed all of that congratulations are in order for you clearly are able to understand the holiday but there is a nice scene that might play into the season coming up where Madison gives Will a mystical pager of sorts. A good set up for the next season worthy of my list.

(Fade to black before cutting to a pile of bubbles before showing the number)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 8

8) "Stranded" from Season 2

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Following the end of the last episode this picks up with Madison, Nat and Liam stuck on the side of the road and Valerie is stuck for most of the season with Astrid, Jed and Stanley until he turns on Astrid and Jed but that's something I already talked about. We soon discover that Liam is not the smartest Squid in the school. Plus after seeing Madison as a threat to every guy Nat talked to in the last season. The two slowly but surely start to become friends and by the end of the season the two have a good and practical bond.Their friendship is on par like the one between Mary Richards & Rhoda Morgenstern or Lucy Ricardo & Ethel Mertz, and if that sounds like sacrilege then feel free to let me have it in the comment section. However the point I'm trying to make is that some good definitely came from this episode helped get the character of Nat heading in the right direction and totally worthy of being on this list.

(Fade to black before cutting to a pile of bubbles before showing the number)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number Seven

7) Return Of The Fish & Fish Out Of The Water from Season 2

TLOTA (Voiceover):

These two episode serves not only as a great introductory to new characters Liam played by Diego Torres Kuri, the aforementioned Valerie and Astrid played by Brie Kristiansen and a great re-introductory episode to Madison, Nat, Stanley & Jed played by Garrett Schecher. It also serves as a great introductory episode to those who may have never seen the show. This also sets up the story of the season in which Astrid is out to capture either Madison or Valerie and sell them on the black market. Plus the introduction of Valerie gave Madison some development towards giving her someone to take care of and part of the reason I know this was a great episode from a great season? (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:

I helped make this season possible! They had a Kickstarter for the second season and after watching season one. I saw something great in this and I said to myself it'd be awesome for me to invest into this and it paid off in spades! Not only did the second season prove to be viable that they decided to go for a third season  they're still doing this series and I feel glad to have helped make the second season possible.


(Fade to black before cutting to a pile of bubbles before showing the number)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 6

6) Mermaid Origins (Cut to clips of Mermaid Origins as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Acting as a bridging special between Season 2 & 3 this sets up where Madison and Valerie are now. Using the magic mirror they've set up a nice little pad in a pool when a fan named Eve played by Alison Livas finds her life boring and wants to be a mermaid. But fearing what might happen the three struggle for control when... (Show moment when The Magic Mirror breaks and Madison disappears before cutting to clips of Mermaid Origins as James does a voiceover) WOW! This definitely a unique way to help build interest to the next season. Wondering the fate of our protagonist, making us worry whether or not there will be consequences for what Eve did and wondering who and what will our heroes face and yes while this does a great job of building Madison and Valerie's journey along with some of the others for this season. Join me in the number five spot to see the start of one character's developmental journey for the next season begin for him.

(Fade to black before cutting to a pile of bubbles before showing the number)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number Five

5) "Valentine's Day"
(Cut to clips of "Valentine's Day" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
While Madison and Nat are the center of the comedic part of the episode especially when it comes to Madison learning how to bake. We see frustration from Will as he wants to do what normal couples do, you know like hiking, dancing and what have you not. (Cut to James physically as it gets dark and he steps out of his studio before cutting to a gigantic number 4 shadowing the building and blocking the sun before cutting to James)

TLOTA:
WOW! Now that is foreshadowing! (Boos are heard as James runs back into his studio quickly before things get tossed his way then cutting back to "Valentine's Day" as James does his voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
While Mermaid Origins set up so many of the characters we know. This minisode sets Will's Character development for the next season. Because what happens to Will and Madison in that next season? (Show clips of Madison and Will doing all the things he wanted to do with her before cutting to James as the Stargate from 2001: A Space Odyssey opens up behind him and he's thrown backwards into it as James screams and the word "PAYOFF!" is thrown forward as James shouts from a distance "MY GOD WAS THAT COSMIC!" before cutting to clips of "Valentine's Day" as James does a voiceover.) Who'd think that something as simple as a short would lead to the start of a character's development? Definitely makes this Valentine's Day worthy of the number five spot.

(Fade to black before cutting to a pile of bubbles before showing the number)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number Four

4) Lost from Season Three
(Cut to clips of "Lost" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Following "Mermaid Origins", we had NO idea what would happen. When this episode debuted we discovered that not only would Madison suffer the consequences for what just happened we also discovered where she wound up. At first it looked like a water dimension and it looks amazingly awesome. Kudos to Chad Narducci for creating this amazing effects for this moment but we soon also meet our antagonist for the season, The Barnacle King played by John Berchtold and his associate Blobert the Blob Fish played by Seye Ogunnaike and right from the start The Barnacle King comes off as a really big Smelthead! (Record scratches as The Barnacle King turns towards the camera)

The Barnacle King:
Excuse me, but what did you call me trash breather? (Cut to James physically as he looks confused then comes to the realization of who The Barnacle King is talking to him.)

TLOTA:
Oh you're talking to me. I called you out as what you truly are inside and that is a Smelthead! (Cut to Blobert and The Barnacle King)

The Barnacle King:
First off trash breather, I am not a Smelthead. I am The Barnacle King! I will be heralded as the savior of the ancient Aegean Relics, the hero who will save the oceans from you trash breathers. The... (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
The Biggest Smelthead to get on my bad side and let me tell you it's unwise to get on my bad side!(Cut to Blobert and The Barnacle King)


The Barnacle King:

STOP CALLING ME A SMELTHEAD! I AM...(Cut to James)



TLOTA:

A Smelthead who is poking this bull one too many times and is looking to get the horns shoved up his little blowhole! (Cut to Blobert and The Barnacle King)



The Barnacle King:

You know something I've got a lot to do and have no time to deal with you, Trash Breather! Come Blobert! (The clip returns to normal as it cuts to later in the episode as James does a voiceover.)



TLOTA (Voiceover):

We're also introduced to someone who could've been just as big a smelthead as The Barnacle King but proves to be of more help as the season goes on. Beatrice played by Fleur Zanna. Her backstory is that she did somethings that the Council of Mer disapproved of and has since then used the magic of her people as an Homeopathic healer to get by in our world. But as things are looking up for Madison after being trapped in that Water Dimension she escapes and is quickly reunited with Valerie & Nat until... (Show clip of Madison losing her tail and The Barnacle King looking pleased at what he did and what in his mind he's gonna do.) WOW, talk about a way to start the season off with a Whopper of a bang. This is how an incredible season can kick start itself into Uber-Strong territory!

(Fade to black before cutting to a pile of bubbles before showing the number)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number Three

3) Adrift from Season Three
(Cut to clips of Adrift as James does a Voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

While Stanley is disguised as a Sea Cucumber to gain the confidence of that Smelthead Barnacle King and to help Madison, Beatrice and Nat stop him, we get a moment that we wouldn't see on a network show like this. (Show moment in which Madison dreams about the ocean and some mermaids) This is writing on the same level as something from "Avatar: The Last Airbender" while there's not one word of dialogue, it's not needed, we're looking into Madison's mind and we're seeing the family and friends she left behind and what they mean to her and if they can't stop The Barnacle King will never see again! That is levels of depth deeper than the Mariana's Trench and believe it or not that moment wasn't written into the episode and was shot and edited in a day before the episode aired and would you believe the mermaids in this moment is simply Julia Alexa Miller and Marcella Di Pasquale? Though our heroes obtain the Pearl of Light that Clam is protecting and the episode ends on a happy note, the moment in which we look in Madison's head was the moment that made me realize there was more to the series than people give it credit for and so worthy of making it this high on the list.

(Fade to black before cutting to a pile of bubbles before showing the number)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number Two

2) Locked Out from Season Three

(Cut to clips of Locked Out as James does a Voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
 To me this was the perfect "Empire Strikes Back"-esque episode to lead to the season's finale. We discover the what, whys and hows of The Barnacle King's reason for his plans and what he hopes will happen (Show clip of The Barnacle King saying what he hopes the Council will praise him and make him a merman before a record scratches as Valerie and Will angrily walk in as Valerie forces The Barnacle King to sit down)

Valerie:
You stay right there. (Cut to Will.)

Will:

Stanley, Help the others! (Stanley runs off in fear as it cuts to Valerie holding down The Barnacle King to his seat)

Valerie:

AND YOU! (Cut to James looking and physically reacting and pointing towards himself before cutting back to Valerie, Will and The Barnacle King.) Yeah You, you sit there and shut up because I know what you're about to say and I think it'd be fair if someone who has been dealing with his antics this entire time to tell this Smelthead off! Because this pile of smelt thinks that causing MASS GENOCIDE by dividing the land and water forever is gonna earn him favor with the council?

The Barnacle King:
Mass Genocide? Of what a couple hundred... (Will grabs The Barnacle King's shirt)

Will:
SEVEN BILLION PEOPLE! Not to mention every plant & animal will be destroyed, all just so you can get a tail and mermaids to love you. ARE YOU ON SOMETHING?

The Barnacle King:
Yeah a mission to...

Valerie and Will (in Unison):
TO KILL EVERY LIVING THING ON EARTH

The Barnacle King:
Well at least the ocean life will stand a chance. No more Trash Breathers like him destroying my home with his oil drilling, his dumping toxic waste into the oceans, him using my home to test his destructive powers. I'd be doing the oceans a favor. (Will stands there shaking in just sheer shock and anger and Valerie is sitting there in utter shock.)

Will:
Really? You...(Will spazzes out before Valerie calms him down) The Barnacle King the hottest Smelt in the ocean, believes committing Mass Genocide. Killing every living thing on the planet will be doing the oceans a favor? (Will and Valerie chuckles for two seconds before cutting to The Barnacle King chuckling before cutting to Valerie and Will snapping)

Valerie & Will (In Unison):

YOUR PLAN IS STUPID!

Valerie:

WHAT IN THE NAME OF NEPTUNE'S BUTTHOLE ARE YOU THINKING?!

Will:

AMANDA WALLER'S PLANS FROM SUICIDE SQUAD SOUNDS MORE SANE AND RATIONAL IN COMPARISON AND EVEN LEGO BATMAN THOUGHT IT WAS AN INSANELY STUPID IDEA AND THAT WAS A KID'S FILM! AND IF YOU THINK SOMEONE SHOULDN'T BE GIVING YOU A FREAK OUT THAT YOU DESERVE WELLLLL THEN ALLOW US TO GIVE YOU THE FREAKOUT YOU FREAKING DESERVE. YOU FREAKING SMELTHEAD!

Valerie:

THE ONLY THING YOU DESERVE IS TO BE HUNG BY YOUR SOUTHERN BARNACLES AND HAVE THE SMELT BEATEN OUT OF YOU LIKE A PINATA!

Will:

HOW DARE YOU THINK YOURSELF SOME SORT OF HERO LIKE AQUAMAN OR NAMOR THE SUB-MARINER OR EVERYONE AT PETA OR SMELT IT EVEN THOSE PEOPLE WHO ARE TRYING TO STOP THE WHALERS ON THAT REALITY SHOW. YOU ARE NO DIFFERENT THAN US "TRASH BREATHERS" AND IF YOU THINK THE MASS GENOCIDE OF EVERY LAND CREATURE WILL MAKE YOU A HERO? WELL THEN HAVE WE GOT NEWS FOR YOU SMELTHEAD! YOU'LL BE NOT ONLY DESTROYING OUR HOME BUT YOURS AS WELL! BUT DOES THAT MATTER TO YOU SMELLLT NO! ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS GETTING RID OF YOUR BARNACLES AND GETTING A MERMAID YOU SELFISH PILE OF SMELT!

Valerie:

AND IF YOUR BIG BLOBFISH-ISH FRIEND WASN'T GOING TO CALL YOU OUT ON IT THAN WE'RE MORE THAN GLAD TO CALL YOU OUT ON YOUR MASS GENOCIDE EQUALLING BEING A HERO IDEA! YOU IDIOTICALLY ILLOGICAL IMBECILIC STUPID WITLESS OBTUSE ASININE MINDLESS MORONIC SMELTHEAD! (Blobert walks in casually)

Blobert The Blob Fish:
First off, I think you two may have chewed him out so much it's a miracle there's anything left of him standing and secondly, I was going to call him out in the next episode. Would it be alright if I did so?

Valerie:
Yeah, sure.

Blobert The Blob Fish:
Thank you. Your associate wants to return and finish the scene.

Valerie and Will (in unison):
No problem. (Stanley returns in as Valerie and Will walk away)

The Barnacle King:
Do you two Feel better? (Valerie and Will say "Yeah!" off screen)

The Barnacle King:

Can we continue as we were meant to?

Stanley:
I was just thinking that. (The clip returns to normal as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Plus we see Valerie and Will realizing how bad they've been to Madison this season. While it appears that The Barnacle King may have gotten the upper hand trust me his victory won't last for long.

(Fade to black before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA:
Before we get to Number one, let's go through the Honorable Mentions and Yeah, I've got a lot of 'em! (Show clips of episodes James mentions as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Season One) Just season one. It was pure straight up fun to watch and see the seeds of greatness begin to germinate."In the Net") While the episode is a good one, the ending is worth mentioning as it sends the storyline of the season into overdrive and it doesn't come down until the finale. Speaking of the finale of the second season it too is on my Honorable Mentions List. Talk about a way to end a season. It ties up all the loose threads and keeps the door open for another season and that's not a bad thing! 

"The Lagoon") Following "Lost" Madison gets Will and the others to help stop The Barnacle King and it sets Valerie's Character Development for the season into motion. To learn about the mystical side of being a mermaid and sends everyone else out to get the relics before The Barnacle King obtains them also I loved it when that Smelthead Barnacle King got sent flying! 


"Mermaid Rescue") With Nat, Liam and Stanley trapped on an island, it's up to Will to rescue Madison and Valerie and it shows how the relationship between Madison and Will began to take further shape plus we see a great conversation between Madison and Valerie about humanity and while it might take Valerie a while to believe in them. When Will comes in to save them it shows that there's more to the guy than what there was in his initial introduction. 


"Stanley's Story") While this does show what Stanley's home life was like and why the way he is. What makes it an honorable mention is the fact that he breaks the fourth wall in the ending wondering what the audience's deal is? 


"Mermaid Transformations") Talk about a mid-season finale. While the team get the relics away from The Barnacle King and Valerie and Beatrice repair the Mirror a new force of darkness take the relics save for the Mirror. Also we get a glimpses of how Will had been hoping that Madison could keep this Status Quo and how Valerie wants to return Madison back to her mermaid self against Madison's wishes and how both Will and Valerie are the extremes that are in Madison's life at that point. But for me, the best moment was the opening battle between Madison and her friends against The Barnacle King and Blobert. The highlight of it being when Madison sends The Barnacle King rocketing to the middle of Palookaville! If you can't tell I liked it when The Barnacle King gets his backside handed to him on a Platter! 


"Potions and Other Magic") While Valerie's journey to restore the magic mirror continues, Beatrice seems to be making a cheap and quick buck for her own purposes all the while we get spin-off set up from Stanley's conspiracy liking friends and comedic hijinks with Blobert and The Barnacle King as they get a relic. 


"The Forbidden Pool") As Valerie continues to work on restoring the Magic Mirror, Madison and her friends are trapped on the same boat with the Barnacle King trying to get the same Relic. Hilarity and awkwardness ensues. 


"The Sunken House") A Valerie centered episode which gives Will some development realizing he'd been as big a Smelthead as The Barnacle King and we see who has the relics and my kudos goes out to Marcella Di Pasquale
for being so awesomely good in this episode telling Will off and to Nick Slimmer for bringing a sort of unique spin on his character's development. 


"Divided") After the events of "Mermaid Transformations" We discover how Beatrice lost her tail and Madison decides for the team to split their time between finding out what happened to the Relics and stopping the next phase of The Barnacle King's plans. Team Madison decide to recruit Stanley to join The Barnacle King while Team Valerie tries to discover what came out of the pool and what took the relics. Also a great Cameo by Taylor and Vanessa. 


"Mermaid Sushi") Stanley comes up with a simpler plan than what Astrid has got planned by selling Valerie to Stanley's old boss while Madison starts to get to know Will a little better plus they capture Stanley as Jed and Astrid get away with Valerie. 


"Dead End") While Will was physically seen in the episode "In The Net", we are introduced to Will in better form and we do get to understand why Valerie isn't so keen on the human race. 


"Bait") As Stanley quickly becomes friends with Madison, Nat, Liam and Will. We also see why Will is the way he is. 


"Valerie's Merman Boyfriend") An interesting idea to see Valerie finding someone out there for her. While it turns out to be Valerie's fantasy to show her friends what she had hoped would happen on February 14th and there is a seed for a good idea for her character's development for next season.

"The Island") A perfunctory finale worthy of an awesome season. Madison, Valerie & Will find Nat, Liam and Stanley. Jed decides to head for the mountains. Valerie gives the human race a second chance and we even discover where Astrid landed (Superb cameo from Julia Alexa Miller by the by). Stanley is somewhat forgiven for his actions during the season and overall a great way to close out the season and while my stance on what is next may change after season four, for now I give you...


(Fade to black before cutting to a pile of bubbles before showing the number)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
My Number One favorite episode of "Life As A Mermaid"...

1) Battle To Save The Sea

TLOTA (Voiceover):
This was the definition of Epic! With the land and water separated and Madison feeling about as bad as she could feel realizing her hopes and dreams of uniting land and water in harmony apparently dashed to bits. Her friends rally to help her get back up and go after The Barnacle King who has summoned... HOKAY! PANTS OFFICIALLY DARKENED! Say hello to Mantis! This thing is powerful, It can grow into giant kaiju size and still not be stopped and as it looked like our heroes are done for until Will reclaims the Chronofish, restores the Mirror once again and Madison defeats Mantis once and for all! WOW, talk about a way to close out a season. It leaves us with enough of an open thread by letting the Barnacle King and Blobert escape for now but we may see them somewhere down the line in the season it does end with Madison, Valerie & Beatrice being rewarded by regaining not only their mermaid citizenship but their tails and the chance to go home. As a matter of fact there are hints to what might happen next season. But for now this episode is worth it's weight in Spanish Gold and is for now my Number One Episode of the series so far . (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:

And I'm sure I missed an episode you liked, so leave your favorite episode in the comment section below. In addition, if you want to get the latest on the show then follow them on Twitter: https://twitter.com/Life_asamermaid , or on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/lifeasamermaid/  or on Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/lifeasamermaid_series/  or check the series out on YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/user/Leylaey  or go to their site:
http://www.lifeasamermaid.com/ and to keep the series going support their Patreon:
https://www.patreon.com/lifeasamermaid to find out. Now why am I doing this? Because it is so freaking awesome!
(Cut to clips of "Life As A Mermaid" while the music from the end credits to the show is being played in the foreground as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
This is proof that the internet is becoming more viable for newer projects to succeed without the need to be on a network or a big production company to keep it from getting it done after sitting in developmental hell for what could feel like an eternity. Everyone at Validus Productions and "Life As A Mermaid" deserves to given all the praise in the world for their effort and creativity. The writing on the show is incredible. The Acting is better than most shows on TV now a days The development the characters endure helps the audience grow inside, the writing is incredible, It uses it's production value to it's best. It's overall an amazing series that everyone should truly watch and see that life truly can be the bubbles. Especially if it's the Life As A Mermaid! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:

I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion.