(Scene begins as the stars reform James and Julia Alexa Miller on the Keyboard and James is on guitar as the music of “Moves Like Jagger” restarts as Julia Alexa Miller sings “Now here we go! It’s a kind of cool thing! The way he does the way he’s rocking! It’s a fine thing! He can see ya coming, enjoy the loving, because it’s what he’d doing Cut to James as he sings “And he goes a little something like this! Watch him and he’ll show ya, Look him take control, yeah, you know because he’s cool like Keanu, Yeah! Yeah! He’s cool like Keanu! You know he’s Coo-ooo-ool like Keanu! I don’t even have to tell ya! Just watch him and You’ll know how to be Cool Like Keanu, know how to be Cool Like Keanu! Know how to be Coo-ooo-ool Like Keanu!” while Julia Alexa Miller scats (The ending five seconds of the “Moves Like Jagger” sound-alike play as James and Julia Alexa Miller disintegrates into stars and reforms into a constellation that looks like Keanu Reeves’ face which becomes a still photo that zooms as it cuts to James and Julia Alexa Miller standing in the clockwork castle.)
TLOTA:
Alex? Is this what happened to you? (Cut to a close up to The one in the cloak)
The one in the cloak:
I am not this Alex you’re speaking of I… Please stop touching me! (Cut to James
as he and The one in the cloak as his hand go through the midsection of the
figure and James pulls his hand out.)
TLOTA:
Sorry. (Cut to a close up to The one in the cloak)
The one in the cloak:
Now as I was trying to say, I am “The Guardian”! I am here to help you on your
journey. Through this castle, I will guide you through so you may return. (Cut to a close up of James)
TLOTA:
Return to what? I died, I stabbed myself through the chest my lungs are gone,
my heart ripped out as it has been like that for eight years now and I think
that… (Cut to James as he looks around The Guardian as The Guardian walks away
and James runs up to The Guardian and follows The Guardian as the two of them
walk in the clockwork castle.) As I was trying to say before I was so rudely interrupted
when you walked away, I think that I deserve to be at peace after everything I
been through. I think I am entitled to… (A ghostly figure appears in front of
the two as “The Guardian” starts to do something as James confesses a horrible
secret about him which sends him reeling backward and the castle moves forward
in the clockwork.)
“The Guardian”:
What did you do?
TLOTA:
I don’t know, I guess it feeds off confessions.
“The Guardian”:
Perhaps you’re more well-knowledgeable about this place.
TLOTA:
No, but I am a quick study!
“The Guardian”:
Come with me! (“The Guardian” grabs James and tosses him into a room that looks
like his office. Cut to “The Guardian” as she stands at the door) The Castle is
going to move again, soon enough you will have to come face to face again with
the Confessional and when you do, I cannot assist you. Because it does so,
you’re going to need to wait in certain areas which I can set up after you
confront it! (Cut to James in the room that looks like his office.)
TLOTA:
Okay and in the meantime, do I have anything to keep me sane? (Cut to “The
Guardian” as she stands at the door)
“The Guardian”:
I think you were going to review it, so no better time than now to see it.
(“The Guardian” levitates a copy of a movie only for it to hit James between
the eyes.) Good Luck James. (The Door closes. Cut to James as he picks the
movie up and sees it’s “Bill & Ted Face The Music”.)
TLOTA:
Hmph! Well given my current situation, I’m ready! (Cut to the Title Card of
“Bill & Ted Face The Music” then clips of the movie as James does a
voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Yep, after a long ass break from the first character that got him major
exposure Keanu Reeves reunites with long-time friend Alex Winter to bring about
what many considered a solidly ended series with another entry to the series
which took 29 years to make. But was it worth the wait and will this be the
movie that ends everything in the way it should end for our Duo or will they
end up doing something worse than what happened last year. (Cut to James as he
feels the shifting of the clockwork.)
TLOTA:
Let’s just get to it, this is “Bill & Ted Face The Music” (Cut to “Bill & Ted Face
The Music” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Our movie opens on an expositional dump on Bill S. Preston Esq. played again by
Alex Winter and Ted Theodore Logan
played again by Keanu Reeves as done by their now 20 plus years old daughters Theodora “Ted” Preston Esq. played by Samantha Weaving and Wilhelmina “Billie” Logan played by
Brigette Lundy-Paine about how their dads were going to write the song that
would unite the world. (Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
Now if my memory serves me right, didn’t what they did at the end of “Bogus
Journey” end things and create the Utopia? It must not have done so because
according to their daughters, they fell from grace and hard trying to keep up
with what was going on! (Cut to “Bill & Ted Face The Music” as James does a
voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
And apparently, the fall was starting to do damage to history itself! We soon
cut to the present day as Bill & Ted prepare to perform at Deacon’s
Wedding. Who’s Deacon? Ted’s brother who only got lip service in “Bogus
Journey” and was a minor character in the first movie and Deacon married Missy!
You know the woman who married Bill’s Dad, then Ted’s, then probably married
DeNomolos, Rufus, Col. Oats, Death, and possibly a myriad of others before marrying
Deacon! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Yeah, how did that kid in that one episode of “Law and Order: SVU” call it?
(Cut to the clip of the kid telling Elliot Stabler that his dad had a case of
Dirty Whore. Cut to James physically) That’s it! (Cut to “Bill & Ted Face
The Music” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
With their performance going south, it’s safe to say that they’ve hit below
rock bottom in their careers! Even their marriages to the princesses this time
played by Jayma Mays and Erinn Hayes have hit the skids so much the two couples
are in Couples Therapy! I’m not even kidding seeing both Bill and His Wife and
Ted and his wife in the same couples therapy session is possibly a comedic
highlight of the movie. However, the daughter of Rufus, Kelly played by Kristen
Schall has been asked to take our time traveling duo to the future to see the
consequences of their inability to make the song that they wanted to make
happen as everyone sees that the Space-Time Continuum is collapsing in on
itself. The Great Leader played by Holland Taylor tells them they’ve been given until
7:17 P.M. that night they come back to the present to make the song or The
Space-Time Continuum is going to go bye-bye! And given how 2020 was, it’s safe
to say… (James screams as it cuts to him falling in his “Office”)
TLOTA:
Okay, this is getting screwy! (James gets up and opens the door to see a new
part of the Clockwork Castle.) Now, where am I? (James walks around as he sees
a puzzle and he taps on his glasses translating it.) “With every confession, it
grows stronger until it shatters your heart and your fate is sealed”. So how
can I defeat it, everytime I see it, it makes me confess unless the fear of
death makes me confess and that fear keeps it at bay. (James comes face to face
with “The Confessional” and runs in the opposite direction as James runs into
“The Guardian”)
“The Guardian”:
What are you doing?
TLOTA:
Running from “The Confessional” I think the fear of death I have, weakens it or
not, I could be, I’m possibly certain that it grows on Confessions and The Fear
Of Death. Because if I’m right, Here we go! (The Confessional runs up to the
two as James decides to do something that might kill him and The Guardian is
creating a barrier to keep the confessional at bay.)
The Guardian:
What are you doing? (Cut to James as he shatters a window)
TLOTA:
I’m going to jump into this pool of whatever it is… (Cut to The Guardian)
The Guardian:
The Pool of Time itself? (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Yep, So, GERONIMO! (James jumps in as it cuts to James in a Hospital bed as a
Doctor played by Thorn Winter comes in and sees water coming out of James’
mouth and it hits a pan on his bed and James returns to being unconscious.)
Doctor:
He’s coughing up water now, which means he’s getting better. It’s amazing, in
all my years of medical practice, I have never seen a scenario in which someone
stabs themselves through the ribs, turns the blade they used to stab themselves
then pulls it out only for them to suffer only a massive blood loss, I mean
it’s a miracle that his lungs and heart were not damaged and you were lucky to
have found him when you did. (The Camera pulls to a figure in the shadows as
the figure walks into the light and reveals herself to be Julia Alexa Miller.)
Julia Alexa Miller:
It wasn’t luck, it was fate. (Julia Alexa Miller walks up to James.) James, I
know the last time we talked I promised you that I would wax your balls for the
“Life As A Mermaid” review, but if you wake up, I Can’t promise to be as mad at
you but I will be more forgiving, just please come back, James! Please!
(Julia Alexa Miller
kisses James on the Cheek and cries as the scene fades to black then cuts to
the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully
morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as
the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The
Americans”. Cut to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it
shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other
half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings
“The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to James as he revives in the Clockwork Castle
in what appears to be his studio’s lobby.)
TLOTA:
Now, where am I? (The Guardian says “Another safe room” as James screams and we
see The Guardian enjoying a drink.)
The Guardian:
I know it looks like the Lobby in your studio but if it works, don’t knock it.
(Cut to James as he gets up and joins “The Guardian” on the horseshoe couch.)
TLOTA:
Would you be okay if I continued with something I was doing in the last safe
room?
The Guardian:
Of course not, We’re going to be here for a while as we’re moved forward
towards your goal.
TLOTA:
Thank you (Cut to “Bill & Ted Face The Music” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Bill and Ted arrive two years into the future as they’ve hit even further
bottom and not only have their wives left them, their daughters won’t have
anything to do with Bill and Ted, so to add to their list of things to do, they
have to save their marriages to the princesses, write the song and hope they
can get it right. Meanwhile, The Great Leader, finds herself running low in the
patience department as she decides to send a killing robot to end Bill and Ted.
Kelly decides to warn Bill and Ted but winds up meeting Thea and Billie as
decide to help by bringing in artists like Jimi Hendrix, Ling Lun, Louis
Armstrong, Mozart, and someone named Kid Cudi (I’m not into modern pop music so
I have no idea who Kid Cudi is) to help in the song. In The Meantime, Bill and
Ted continue to travel as they meet up with the Rockstar Successes who just so
happen to be faking it and it’s a song by Dave Grohl and then… WHAT THE HELL?!
(Cut to James and The Guardian as the two sit on the horseshoe couch.)
TLOTA:
Okay Guardian, How in the world do I make fun of Ted looking like Braun Stroman
and Bill looking like friggin if he dropped the weight and became pure muscle!
The Guardian:
Well if you talked about it like that, then it counts as a joke.
TLOTA:
Hmm, didn’t think of it like that! (Cut to “Bill & Ted Face The Music” as
James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Meanwhile, Billie and Thea wind up meeting with the robotic assassin named
Dennis who promptly kills them all! Bill and Ted soon wind up meeting
themselves on their deathbeds and to be honest, it kind of shows what happened
when they focused on what wasn’t important. But the duo gets the song on a
flash drive and they must get to someplace called MP46 at 7:17 PM to perform
and record the song. However, Dennis lets the duo know that he royally screwed
up! I mean, he TRULY, MADLY, INSANELY, ROYALLY SCREWED UP BY KILLING THEIR
DAUGHTERS AND THE MUSICIANS THE TWO TOOK!
With that news, Bill and Ted sacrifice the song forcing Dennis to kill
the duo. However Dennis decided he’s screwed up too much and tries to end
himself but Bill and Ted run in as Dennis ends himself taking the blast as well
sending them to hell to rescue the musicians, Billie and Thea, it’s there they
come upon Death once again played by William Sadler. With their daughters Bill
and Ted patch up the problems they had with Death after a falling out and a
lawsuit that happened and brings everyone back from the dead. (Cut to James and
The Guardian as the two sit on the horseshoe couch.)
TLOTA:
This is getting weirder and weirder and I don’t know if I can take it.
The Guardian:
Well, it does seem to be moving us forward to your destination.
TLOTA:
So I better get going and hope I can figure out whatever happens next. I
recorded it on my glasses. (James takes off his glasses and points the
earpieces to the wall and a holographic image shows a translated puzzle.)
The Guardian:
“Add one to the twelve, go back five then turn the answer sideways.”? Why
didn’t you tell me this?
TLOTA:
Well, I was kind of busy outrunning The Confessional as I went through that
Pool, warmed up by the fire, got made to look through a whole lot of other
places which for some reason, I should’ve talked about before getting here to
which I apologize for it but something tells me when we get to the location, I
can try to see what is going on. (Cut to “Bill & Ted Face The Music” as
James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Bill and Ted tell them about the fate of the song and soon realize that the
Preston and Logan the song was about was done not by Bill and Ted but instead
by Billie and Thea! All I can say to that, to finally quote Keanu Reeves after
all this time, is “Whoa!”, not only that the song itself must be played throughout
all of space and time! Speaking of space and time, The Princesses return and
realize their lives are most excellent with Bill and Ted then without the two
in it and with Kid Cudi’s advice Bill and Ted make infinite versions of
themselves to hand out the instruments to every single person throughout time
and space. Bill and Ted return to lead the band and the movie ends with the
universe finally coming into harmony and a post-credit scene seeing the elderly
Bill and Ted playing their guitars. (Cut to James and The Guardian sitting on
the horseshoe couch.)
TLOTA:
And that was “Bill & Ted Face The Music” and it was for me a necessary
thing to watch because it was awesome and fun, however not for the reasons you
might think. (Cut to clips of “Bill & Ted Face The Music” as James does a
voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
As much as it was a fun thing to see Bill S. Preston Esq. & Ted Theodore
Logan going through time and space having a fun adventure trying to fulfill
their destiny, I was more interested in Billie and Thea’s storyline of the
dutiful daughters trying to help their fathers fulfill the destiny they were
supposed to be. The comedy was good, the action was fun, the drama was well-paced
in the story which while having a few bumps and swerves survives it and makes everything
work. No wonder everyone says that this was the movie of 2020. If you haven’t seen it, go
get it and check out the final chapter of one story and possibly the start of a
new story worthy of the legend of Bill S. Preston Esq. and Ted Theodore Logan! (Cut
to James and The Guardian as they look out the door.)
The Guardian:
It appears we’re where we’re supposed to be. So are you ready? (James opens the
door.)
TLOTA:
I am so ready for this to be over! Let’s go! (Cut to James and The Guardian as
they walk through the Clockwork castle.) So we have to look for like a clock
or…something like a clock.
The Guardian:
A Puzzle?
TLOTA:
Yeah, You’re going to have to keep that thing busy!
The Guardian:
Who are you talking about?
TLOTA:
Him! (Cut to The Guardian as The Guardian holds off The Confessional as James
tries to solve the puzzle and does so quickly.) Guardian, come on! (Cut to The
Guardian as The Guardian holds off The Confession)
The Guardian:
This is my job, your destiny lies in there! (James turns the 8 on its side and
unlocks the door that leads to the path that James takes James to another door,
as James looks and opens the door to see a giant crystal.)
TLOTA:
Okay, now what do I do? (James comes up to the crystal and touches it noticing
a pattern, James uses his hands to follow the pattern and sees his start to
glow and the energy coming from James’ hands fill the pattern and begins to
punch the crystal with his right hand and as it tires out James uses his left .)
Well, when in Rome! Now I know The Confessional is somewhere behind me. Sorry,
but I’ve got nothing to confess. Would you like to hear about the tale of the
Emperor and The Shepherd’s Boy? There was once this wise
Emperor who wanted to know how many seconds there was in eternity, so he had everyone
tell him about this little Shepherd’s Boy. The Emperor askes The Shepherd’s Boy
“How Many Seconds there were in Eternity”. And The Shepherd’s boy says…
(The Confessional grabs James by the heart and seers him, draining him of his
energy before falling apart. As James lays there The Guardian takes him and the
scene is bathed in light as it shows James in his bed in December and James
standing over him.)
TLOTA:
So Alex brought me in and made the changes and as for what happened after that,
That was you. (Camera shifts to the right to reveal The Guardian)
The Guardian:
That’s right, however, there is a caveat, you won’t remember everything, I’ll
be going through this again. (Cut to James.)
TLOTA:
Again? (Cut to The Guardian)
The Guardian:
Good Luck! (James shoves into James and he wakes up and a sound-alike to “The
Shepherd’s Boy” plays in the foreground as it flashes through the story up
until The Guardian in which James says “It has been like this for ten years now!”
The story flashes ahead to James in the room with the crystal as he continues
to go further in)
TLOTA:
There was once this wise Emperor who wanted to know how many seconds there was
in eternity, so he had everyone tell him about this little Shepherd’s Boy. The
Emperor askes The Shepherd’s Boy “How Many Seconds there were in Eternity”. And
The Shepherd’s boy says… (The Confessional grabs James by the heart and seers
him as it cuts to James as he wakes up in his bed in December as it flashes
through the story up until The Guardian in which James says “It has been like
this for fifteen years now!” The story flashes ahead to James in the room with
the crystal as he continues to go further in)
TLOTA:
There was once this wise Emperor who wanted to know how many seconds there was
in eternity, so he had everyone tell him about this little Shepherd’s Boy. The
Emperor askes The Shepherd’s Boy “How Many Seconds there were in Eternity”. And
The Shepherd’s boy says “There is this mountain, made of pure Diamond…(The
Confessional grabs James by the heart and seers him as it cuts to James as he
wakes up in his bed in December as it flashes through the story up until The
Guardian in which James “It has been like this for twenty-two years now!” The
story flashes ahead to James in the room with the crystal as he continues to go
further in)
TLOTA:
There was once this wise Emperor who wanted to know how many seconds there was
in eternity, so he had everyone tell him about this little Shepherd’s Boy. The
Emperor askes The Shepherd’s Boy “How Many Seconds there were in Eternity”. And
The Shepherd’s boy says “There is this mountain, made of pure Diamond, It takes
an hour to climb it and an hour to go around it…(The Confessional grabs James
by the heart and seers him as it cuts to James as he wakes up in his bed in
December as it flashes through the story up until The Guardian in which James
says “It has been like this for twenty-eight years now!” The story flashes
ahead to James in the room with the crystal as he continues to go further in)
TLOTA:
There was once this wise Emperor who wanted to know how many seconds there was
in eternity, so he had everyone tell him about this little Shepherd’s Boy. The
Emperor askes The Shepherd’s Boy “How Many Seconds there were in Eternity”. And
The Shepherd’s boy says “There is this mountain, made of pure Diamond, It takes
an hour to climb it and an hour to go around it and every thousand years a
little bird comes and sharpens its beak…(The Confessional grabs James by the
heart and seers him as it cuts to James as he wakes up in his bed in December as
it flashes through the story up until The Guardian in which James says “It has
been like this for thirty-two now!” The story flashes ahead to James in the
room with the crystal as he continues to go further in)
TLOTA:
There was once this wise Emperor who wanted to know how many seconds there was
in eternity, so he had everyone tell him about this little Shepherd’s Boy. The
Emperor askes The Shepherd’s Boy “How Many Seconds there were in Eternity”. And
The Shepherd’s boy says “There is this mountain, made of pure Diamond, It takes
an hour to climb it and an hour to go around it and every thousand years a
little bird comes and sharpens its beak and when the mountain is chiseled away
the first second of eternity will have passed…(The Confessional grabs James by
the heart and seers him as it cuts to James as he wakes up in his bed in
December as it flashes through the story up until The Guardian in which James
says“it has been like this for thirty-eight years now!” The story flashes ahead
to James in the room with the crystal as he continues to go further in)
TLOTA:
There was once this wise Emperor who wanted to know how many seconds there was
in eternity, so he had everyone tell him about this little Shepherd’s Boy. The
Emperor askes The Shepherd’s Boy “How Many Seconds there were in Eternity”. And
The Shepherd’s boy says “There is this mountain, made of pure Diamond, It takes
an hour to climb it and an hour to go around it and every thousand years a
little bird comes and sharpens its beak and when the mountain is chiseled away
the first second of eternity will have passed.” You may think that’s a hell of a long time!
(James screams as he finally shatters through to the other side and the light
shatters The Confessional) Personally, I think that’s one hell of a bird! (The
Guardian walks forward.)
The Guardian:
You finally did it, it took you a few tries but now you can return. (Cut to
James)
TLOTA:
Okay, but what about what I did to break through the crystal? (Cut to The
Guardian)
The Guardian:
It’s been inside of you, I guess you never knew it. Look in there. (James and
The Guardian look into the end of the tunnel as they see James as James’ past
which includes when he stabbed “The Wicked” in his “Spider-Man 3” review and be
able to create his first suit after being revived. Cut to James looking at The
Guardian)
TLOTA:
That was me? (Cut to The Guardian)
The Guardian:
There’s more, even the moments you thought were beyond your abilities. (Cut to
every moment where even scientifically he shouldn’t have survived but he did
even when he stabbed himself with his sword. Cut to James looking The Guardian)
TLOTA:
So all of these moments, every last one of them, was magic that I made? (Cut to
The Guardian)
The Guardian:
Even when the one you love, saved you after you did what you had to do. (Cut to
moments after as Julia Alexa Miller sees James laying dead in a pool of blood.)
Julia Alexa Miller:
ORAC! Contact the hospital and clear the shortest path!
ORAC (Audio only):
Understood! (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Did Alex come back? For me? (Cut to The Guardian)
The Guardian:
Well someone close to her and you reminded her of what good you’ve done for
her. She’s waiting for you. Go back to her and to the future you deserve.
(James looks ahead in the tunnel and walks through. Cut to a light shining into
the camera, cut to James as he waves the light away and James wakes up in his
hospital bed.)
TLOTA:
Where am I? (Cut to a Doctor played by Thorn Winter)
The Doctor:
Welcome back, Mr. Faraci! (Cut to James in his hospital bed.)
TLOTA:
My Father was Mr. Faraci. I’m James. (Cut to the Doctor.)
The Doctor:
Either way, you were a lucky individual, had your lady friend not found you,
you would’ve surely been dead, days ago. (“Deliberate Thought” by Kevin MacLeod
plays as Julia Alexa Miller walks into the light and to his side.)
Julia Alexa Miller:
Did what I had to do what I had to do. (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
What are you doing here? (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller)
Julia Alexa Miller:
James, I can survive without you and you can survive barely without me, I know
I saw your other reviews and I know you think we shouldn’t be together because
of everything that happened to you last year and I know you respect me enough
to make my own decision. I know there’ll be risks. But I want to face them with
you. It’s wrong that we should only be half-alive, half of ourselves. I love
you. So here I am saving your life. Isn’t it about time someone saved your life
as much as you saved so many? Well say something
TLOTA:
Thank you, Alex! I love you (The two kiss)
Julia Alexa Miller:
But while I’m here and you’re exposed.
TLOTA:
What are you doing? (Julia Alexa Miller
walks away as she goes to her purse and pulls out the wax strip and James in
fear for his existence asks, begs, and pleads Julia Alexa Miller not to do what
she plans on doing as she walks back, cut to black as a ripping sound is heard
and James screams like there was no tomorrow.)
