A "Web" of convolution!

(Scene begins with a smartwatch screen and a finger as it taps the screen and the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand as it taps an app on his phone as it opens a portal, and it cuts to James and the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun and Nick Yaun and the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca & Rebecca and Nick Yaun” is shown as it then slides away to different images of Andrew Beach Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath and the credits of “Andrew Beach, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” is shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays. Everything becomes a swirl of Reds, Whites, and Blues as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions" “Executive Producers: James Faraci, Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Olivia Horvath” “Editing by Eric Kurtzke and James Faraci” “Written and Directed by James Faraci” are shown as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays. We then see an image of James as he jumps through the portal and lands with half of his team on his right. The other half on his left is on a black background, and the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays. Cut to James floating in a crimson void with smoke as “Mistress Net,” played by Olivia Horvath, lords over him) 

Mistress Net: 
Well, we meet again. It’s been a while since I have had to do what I had to, mainly to break you and set you back on your true course! 

TLOTA: 
MY true course?! My true course was with Alex; we had everything together in my life. Not having my personal and professional lives destroyed, my reputation obliterated, and seeing my future eviscerated! 

Mistress Net: 
Oh, Please. Did you really think that you still held onto that silly future with you happy and having a normal life? You are an anomaly, as are your friends and associates.  

TLOTA: 
Those Assholes in Chicago aren’t my associates; the truth is out about them, they’re assholes and... 

Mistress Net: 
And You are not? 

TLOTA: 
Okay, you make a point! I can be an asshole, but at least I am honest about it!  

Mistress Net: 
True; however, now, there’s something big on the way, and you need to be free of certain things, even at a great personal loss. 

TLOTA: 
Outside of my family, I have nothing left to lose! 

Mistress Net:  
Let’s see how you feel after I bring you next! (Cut to the Title Card of “Madame Web” then to James floating in the crimson void) 

TLOTA: 
Bring it on! (Cut to clips of “Madame Web” as James does a voiceover) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
Released and dying a painful death in the same amount of time at the Box Office, “Madame Web” was trying to do what The Late Roger Corman did when he created his “Fantastic Four” movie. Keeping rights, in this case, Sony owning the “Spider-Man Universe” movie rights and, unlike, say, the lightning in the bottle of the “Venom” movies. This has been considered one of the worst Comic book movies. (Cut to Posters of movies considered “The Worst Comic Book Movie Ever” as James does a voiceover) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
And believe me, there are plenty of contenders for that title! (Cut to clips of “Madame Web” as James does a voiceover) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
But does it deserve that distinction? Well, today we’ll see if this is the parlor in which the Fly flips the Spider off! (Cut to James physically floating in the void) 

TLOTA: 
Let’s not waste any time, and something tells me... (James looks at his watch as he sees the numbers going around and around, with the numbers eventually turning into a gigantic question mark. Cut to James floating and looking at the camera) Just as I thought, time doesn’t mean anything right now; this is “Madame Web!” (Cut to clips of “Madame Web” as James does a voiceover) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
The movie opens with a Web and a pregnant researcher by the name of Constance Webb who is doing research on Spiders with healing properties and is joined by a man named Ezekiel Sims, played by Tahar Rahim, as they find a spider and Ezekiel happens to betray everyone and accidentally shoots Constance. However, by extremely convoluted coincidence, a tribe of people who look like Spider-Man take Constance, and while they can’t save Constance, one spider’s bite saves Constance’s daughter, Cassandra! (Static is seen as it cuts to J. Jonah Jameson, played by Eric Kurtzke is seen.) 

J. Jonah Jameson: 
A tribe of Spider-Men? How can they be healers if they’re in the Amazon? Next thing you’re going to tell me about someone who looks like Spider-Man who will be just what I know Spider-Man can be, and that is a menace! (Cut to James floating in the crimson void.) 

TLOTA: 
Okay, you know something? I would LOVE to FINALLY understand what you have against the Wall-Crawling Neighborhood Friendly Spider-Man! But I (James falls and screams and then lands in the same studio as Jameson as he begins his Podcast.) 

J. Jonah Jameson: 
Alright, you want to know what I have against that menace, and my reasons are simple; first, he hides behind a mask, and terrorists hide behind masks. (Cut to James as he puts pics of actual terrorists caught and dealt with on the screen behind the two.) 

TLOTA(Sarcastically): 
Oh yeah, I can’t tell who these guys can hide in the middle of nowhere, and they’re still out there causing chaos and madness! Besides, he might be wearing his mask to protect what few people he has left to protect from fallout. Now, I know the late Tony Stark came out publicly saying, “I am Iron Man,” but let’s face it, if it looks like Stark Tech, if it sounds, walks and talks like Stark Tech, then it’s obviously Stark Tech, He just decided to be responsible about it! Next Bullshit reason? 

J. Jonah Jameson: 
He uses his powers for his own purposes, not for anyone else. (Cut to James as he rubs his temples to alleviate the headache, then turns to Jameson) 

TLOTA: 
He has been using his powers for good; he has done things to help first responders and has been using his abilities to help people YOU wouldn’t give a second thought about. Let me tell you his story without giving too much away. Imagine being so milquetoast that not even the “Big Bang” geeks have respect for you. That is the person behind that mask of Spider-Man before he went to a science exposition in which radiation and neo-genetic research are involved with Spiders, and this milquetoast kid is bitten by a spider involved in the research exposition. He initially thought of using his powers to financially better himself and the people around him. However, at his first big event, he would be using his powers for that purpose, his uncle, let’s call this uncle... Ben. Ben is worried because this newly born Spider-Man is learning how to harness his powers and might become someone YOUR HITLER MUSTACHIOED ASS claims him to be. He said the following: “With Great Powers comes great responsibilities!” Spidey decides to get into “Sports Entertainment” and is screwed by his first booking, so when a thief comes to take the gate, Spidey lets the guy get away with it. THAT bit him in the ass as, guess what, there Roket Skyentist! Ben bought the damn farm, Spidey found out it was the thief who took the gate that killed Ben, and since then, he has used his powers for the greater good without the desire of financial reward and he even though he does good, it can never erase the mistake that will haunt Spider-Man until the day something just as bad happens, and he decides to end himself! 

J. Jonah Jameson: 
If he wants to be “Responsible” while hiding under that mask and use his powers, there is only one solution to that problem. He becomes the Mascot for J3 Communications and The Daily Bugle. (Cut to James, who now feels pissed off and is about to unleash the biblical Cain on J. Jonah Jameson.) 

TLOTA: 
Okay, Shit! Because that’s what you are, you’re shit. He already IS your mascot; you have been treating the guy like shit, and yet you’d want him to not help put money in your pockets by saying, “Hey! You see that event that went down. Well, now you can read about it on this webpage or newspaper! I’m sorry cock for brains, but if I had superpowers, I’d be using them for the betterment of all, not for someone like you who would rather profit off misery! I’m sorry, but you are such an incompetent asshole that I’m surprised that you can breathe without causing some stupid shit! Your incompetent ass should be down on your hands and knees that he is even doing anything for you, and you should be grateful that his photos are exclusively in your papers! And instead of using the truth in your news and stories, you do your whole Spider-Man is as evil as me, Trump, and FUCKING HITLER! HOW FUCKING DARE YOU CALL YOURSELF A JOURNALISTIC BEACON WHEN YOU ARE NOTHING BUT TABLOID TMZ TRASH! I HOPE YOU ARE BOUGHT OUT AND THEN BURIED BY SOME CORPORATE CONGLOMERATE, AND YOU ARE MADE TO BE AS BIG A JOKE AS THE KILLER JOKE FROM “MONTY PYTHON’S FLYING CIRCUS!” YOU RAT FACED, ASS MUNCHING, SPLOOGE SUCKING FUCK COCKER! (Cut to J. Jonah Jameson sitting there in shock and slowly creeps away in shock. Cut to clips of “Madame Web” as James does a voiceover) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
We cut to thirty years later as Cassandra Web, played by Dakota Johnson, is now an EMT working with a man named Ben, played by Adam Scott. They come upon a call, and I must go right ahead and talk about the convolutions of everything in the movie. For this plot to make sense, Cassie is working with Ben Parker, THE SAME BEN PARKER who is the uncle to Spider-Man himself, Peter Parker, Cassie is a neighbor to one of the three women that Ezekiel wants to destroy to keep him empowered and meets the other two while on the job, and the powers the character has comes to her while on the job among everything else that happens in here, and that is the major problem I have with this movie, the convolutions. But I digress; Cassie is on the job one day as she gets trapped in a car that fell off a bridge in the water, Ben rescues her, and as I mentioned, her precognitive powers are engaged. Meanwhile, Ezekiel discovers the three that Cassie knows of by coincidence and circumstance: Mattie Franklin, played by Celeste O’Connor, Anya Corazon, played by Isabela Merced, and one of the more interesting casting choices, Sydney Sweeney, as Julia Cornwall. (Cut to James floating in the crimson void.) 

TLOTA: 
And I call it interesting because if you didn’t know better, Sydney might look like a teen, but she is close to thirty, yet she looks like someone my oldest nieces age. (Cut to clips of “Madame Web” as James does a voiceover) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
As Cassie begins to understand that she can see in the future, one of her partners is killed while she and Ben are on the job. Cassie wonders if she’s losing her marbles, especially at a baby shower where she talks about her mom only briefly with Mary, played by Emma Roberts. after that, Ezekiel begins his strikes against the girls just as Cassie finds herself in the same subway car as Mattie, Anya, and Julia. Cassie grabs a Taxi and gets the three out of the city. We then see our heroines in the forest hiding from “Pseudo-Spider-Man!" If this didn’t add to the now cowering in shock J. Jonah Jameson’s unwarranted disdain for the Wall Crawler, then I don’t know what will! Cassie tells the three teens to stay put in the forest but, even back in... When does this movie occur? (A ding is heard as it mentions the year 2003. Cut to James floating in the crimson void.) 

TLOTA: 
Really? So, my oldest nieces, if things worked out, one of my nieces would be friends with a young man named Peter Parker. Excuse me... (James tries to turn around with no avail) You guys don’t want to see this! (James moves the camera behind him as he goes on a screaming and ranting bend that would shock sailors before James puts the camera on him.) Sorry. (Cut to clips of “Madame Web” as James does a voiceover) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
As I was trying to say, teens don’t listen to anyone. Still, what’s popular and our three stoogettes go to a nearby restaurant when Cassie comes, and after a vision of how she screwed it up, Cassie decides, “Eh, screw it, Vehicular Manslaughter might be simpler!” However, as Cassie and Ezekiel fight, she’s hit by a toxin that Ezekiel can produce. Getting Julia, Anya, and Mattie out of harm’s way and at Ben Parker’s place where there is no May in this universe, Cassie decides to go to Peru to find out why her mom went down there and comes upon a tribal chief named Santiago who was there when her mom was killed and, in a moment, where Santiago uses the same type of magic down in Kamar-Taj, Cassie discovers that her mom didn’t go down for her job, but because she was trying to help her daughter who was diagnosed with myasthenia gravis. Armed with newly found intelligence and now able to control her abilities, Cassie goes back to hunt Ezekiel down for what he did to her and her mother, and of course, the power will be unlocked when she takes responsibility. Meanwhile, Mary goes into labor, and Ezekiel, through tech that was illegal in 2003 due to the Patriot Act and would be considered downright a one-way trip to Gitmo. Ezekiel finds Ben, Mary, and the three future Spider-Women. However, Cassie calls for a medical chopper to distract Ezekiel, and he quickly decimates it. Cassie decides to fight fire with fire as she tells the three to prepare for a fight. Ezekiel and Cassie fight and Ezekiel taunts how he killed Cassie’s mom and splits the three, getting ready to kill them. Then Cassie unleashes her power to rescue the three and tells Ezekiel that he went after them when he should’ve gone after Cassie. That is such a bad convolution that it took down the entire plot faster than the iceberg that destroyed the fricking Titanic! Cassie survives as a fireworks explosion in her face blinds her, and the toxin in her leaves her a paraplegic. The movie ends with Ben holding his nephew and Cassie saying she’ll watch over the three girls she is fostering as they gain and harness their abilities. Which will be awesome in the sequel featuring “The Misfits,” Azula, Daphne and Velma, The Super Marios, Skeletor, Sinestro, the 2010 Freddy Krueger, the 2016 Ghostbusters, the 2017 Power Rangers, and the Sinister Six!(Cut to James floating in the Crimson Void) 

TLOTA (Singing): 
And that ain’t all! Zoot! (Sighs) 

TLOTA: 
Admittedly, this movie is bad, but is it the worst? HELL NO! NOT EVEN ONE OF THE WORST MOVIES I’VE EVER SEEN! (Cut to clips of “Madame Web” as James does a voiceover) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
As much as I had issues with the movie, they're minuscule in the grand scheme of things with this movie. The acting wasn’t “Batman & Robin” bad; the writing didn’t make me pine for “X-Men: Origins: Wolverine” or “The Green Hornet”; It wasn’t a bad Special Effects fest like “Superman IV: The Quest For Peace,” and in terms of character development, I would gladly watch of all things “Catwoman” without question. It was okay at worst and decent at best. It's something to watch in the background once in a while for something to have on in the background. So, I say give it a watch. It is, for all intents and purposes, NOT the worst comic book movie of 2024, not the worst Comic Book movie ever, nor is it the worst movie ever. (Mistress Net destroys the movie as she comes into frame enraged.) 

Mistress Net: 
HOW DARE YOU CONTRADICT WHAT EVERYONE THINKS! (Cut to James) 

TLOTA: 
It’s my opinion! That’s what gives me the right to contradict everyone else’s opinion. (Cut to Mistress Net) 

Mistress Net: 
And that gives me the right to continue to do what I must to turn you into what the upper gods demand that you and Linkara should be! (Cut to James) 

TLOTA: 
Wait! Linkara? You’ve been tormenting him, which explains why he hasn’t posted any reviews, or he’s become increasingly lazy and incompetent as the years have passed. You’ve forced him to become docile for them! YOU LOUSY BITCH! (James takes a swing, and she disappears. Then, she pops up behind James to headbutt and kicks James with both her legs from her hover chair. James then summons the Ring Of Aeon and The Bracelet that houses the Gem from the Gauntlet “Malachite’s Hand” and proceeds to use them only to miss as she laughs and continues to tell James how pathetic his attempts to fight her is. James then thinks about his next move as he closes his eyes and proceeds to throw his right hand out and grab Mistress Net and pick her up for a whopper of a chokeslam. As James begins to fall, the scene cuts to Rowdy and Doug Yaun walks into the office.) 

Rowdy: 
James, The Mark told me things are as bad as everyone has been saying, and Doug here has... (A loud slamming thud shakes the building.) 

Doug Yaun: 
What the hell was that?! (Rowdy and Doug look at each other) 

Doug and Rowdy (In Unison): 
James! (Cut to Rowdy and Doug as they follow The Sword Of Caliverti as it floats to James as he continues to fight Mistress Net with his artifacts. Mistress Net tries to escape, with James holding her off from escape. The sword reaches James as he prepares a final blow. Mistress Net gives James a smile as if to say to him, “Do it, and the destiny I have foreseen will be complete!” Only for James to roar and miss the top of her head by a foot!) 

Mistress Net: 
Well, it seems there’s a fight for the future you desire, which is still in you. Something that will keep you from your destiny. You’ll never learn! (Cut to James in an Extreme Close Up) 

TLOTA: 
Learn? LEARN! I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOUR UPPER GODS AND YOUR OBSTACLES AND YOUR INCREDIBLE ARROGANCE! Don’t you and your upper gods ever come into our lives again! Do you hear me? DO YOU HEAR ME?! (Cut to Mistress Net as she summons her chair, sending James across the lobby) 

Mistress Net: 
(Grunts) Very well then, variant, just know that you and your friends and associates must unite, even with those you swore to never associate with ever again. You will face a crisis far more dangerous than even if you believe that you’ll have no other option than to fight together, once again, whether you want to or not! (Mistress Net disappears in a cloud of crimson smoke. Rowdy and Doug Walk forward) 

Rowdy: 
Was that who I was thinking of? (Cut to James as he pulls the sword from the floor.) 

TLOTA: 
The reason the amulet activated and caused the chaos that destroyed my future! (James collapses onto the floor.) I can only put up with stuff for so long. (Time skips to an hour later, as James, Rowdy, and Doug are in the break room.) 

Rowdy: 
So, in a moment of happiness between you and Alex, Mistress Net was able to access the amulet while you were on vacation, sent you on your journey, and made Alex into Verve. 

TLOTA: 
Yep 

Doug Yaun: 
Then, Chad inspired Chad to create the A.I. doppelgänger that nearly destroyed the show, but that doesn’t explain how your reputation tanked and your numbers hit bottom. 

TLOTA: 
My best guess is that it has been a slow burn to where I am, and it’s going to take quite a while for both to be near where they were beforehand. However, she mentioned a crisis and how all of us will have to unite to take it on.  

Rowdy: 
Does this mean we may have to bring in those guys from Chicago? 

TLOTA: 
I honestly don’t know if we can unite again, especially when it comes to those assholes. If they did the right thing, I might let them be the last to come on board. Otherwise, let’s do our best to try and stand together.  

Rowdy: 
Can we even do that? We’re so fractured as is. 

TLOTA: 
If mankind is to survive, we must put away our differences and find a way to gain peace for our generation and future generations. For now, I’ll have the Fall run ready in a few weeks, Doug, get everyone ready, and yes, I’m aware that Ed had to go. Wish I had known about Ed’s past after he and I lost contact with each other, but I didn’t know, so to rebuild, Doug, you’re officially a member of the team; I had Ed return his Power Driver; I deleted his isomorphic statement on the Isomorphic lock so it’s yours when you’re ready. 

Doug Yaun: 
Thanks, James. Raise them up. (The three raise their drinks up) To a better tomorrow!  

James and Rowdy (In Unison): 
To a better tomorrow! (The three clink their cups as it fades to black) 

Top ten reasons why The Star Wars Prequels are better than the Disney Star Wars movies

(Scene begin with a smartwatch screen and a finger as it taps the screen and the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand as it taps an app on his phone as it opens a portal, and it cuts to James and the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun and Nick Yaun and the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca & Rebecca and Nick Yaun” is shown and it then slides away to different images of Andrew Beach, and Ed Champion as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “Andrew Beach, Ed Champion” is shown as it then slides away to different images of Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath and the credits of “Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” is shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays. Everything becomes a swirl of Reds, Whites, and Blues as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions" “Executive Producers: James Faraci, Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach, Ed Champion & Olivia Horvath” “Editing by Eric Kurtzke and James Faraci” “Written and Directed by James Faraci” are shown as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays. We then see an image of James as he jumps through the portal and lands with half of his team on his right. The other half on his left is on a black background, and the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays. Cut to James in his office)

 TLOTA:  I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and the views I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Well, my worries and concerns were confirmed! (Cut to the clips of the Disney "Star Wars" movies and series as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.): As I watched the Disney "Star Wars" Skywalker movies, I saw the inevitable that they'd do what they had done with so many other franchises, they milked the film series for what they could get out of it and have been keeping it on life support on Disney+. But that's not to say that their efforts have been inadequate. I enjoyed "Rogue One: A Star Wars Story," I checked out "Solo: A Star Wars Story" and thought it was alright, given all the circumstances."The Mandalorian" is enjoyable, and The "Obi-Wan Kenobi" miniseries was entertaining, especially for the kid who played young Leia Organa. But as I watched them stumble through Episodes 7, 8, and 9, it felt like they were in Lather, Rinse, and Repeat the Original Trilogy. I hoped for something better in Disney's cinematic outings with these characters and this universe. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Then I realized that someone did something to expand the universe and help the original trilogy, and it happened twenty-five years ago! (Cut to clips of the Star Wars Prequels as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.): Yes, for all of the fandom's complaints, the Disney trilogy reminded me why the prequels, while not perfect, were better than Disney's Trilogy. And for those wondering, no, it's not for the reasons you think. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: It's partly because, at this stage in my career, I've got nothing left to lose, and I figured that after watching the prequels and Disney Trilogy back-to-back, I would have a better idea. So may the force be with me as I count down my top ten reasons why The Star Wars Prequels are better than the Disney Star Wars Movies. (Cut to the Prequel posters as the Disney "Skywalker" movie posters appear as a pair of doors open and "Duel Of The Fates" play in the foreground, and both sets of posters are prepared with lightsabers and the Disney Movie posters have Darth Maul's dual-sided lightsaber and on the tips of the blades are "Rogue One: A Star Wars Story" and "Solo: A Star Wars Story" and the Prequels side has the words "Hindsight," "Effort," and "Time" on their sides and as the Duel begins Both sides carve into the walls "The Top Ten Reasons Why The Star Wars Prequels are Better Than The Disney Star Wars Movies" then the number appears as James says the number.)

TLOTA (V.O.): Number Ten

(Cut to the Trailers of The Prequels as James does a voiceover.)

10) The Trailers

TLOTA (V.O.): I know that for many, trailers are meant to entice fans into watching the movies, but here's the thing: When Phantom Menace's trailer was released, it was at the start of the Internet as we know it. We were hooked on the trailer of Phantom Menace, and we even bought tickets for movies we would never have wanted to watch if not for the fact that they were showing the trailer for Phantom Menace. That's why the "Wing Commander" movie with Freddie Prinze Jr. and Matthew Lillard had such a good box office return in the theaters and not for the film itself. The Disney Star Wars Movie trailers enticed us as much, but maybe we were partly excited about what Disney would do. After seeing the trailers, I admit I wanted to see the Disney Star Wars movies; however, I was more disappointed by Disney's Star Wars because it felt like they were rehashed from the original trilogy with minor changes. I was excited when I saw the prequels because they were different chapters of the Star Wars story. It was the story's beginning, and I wanted to know how that little boy became the greatest Icon of the past few decades.

(Cut to the duel as it progresses, and the number appears as James says the number)

TLOTA(V.O.): Number Nine

(Cut to the Weird Al music video "The Saga Begins" as James does a voiceover)

9) Weird Al's "The Saga Begins"

TLOTA (V.O.): I will talk about the music of John Williams later on, but those who are into Star Wars and Weird Al already had their fix with the song "Yoda" that came out in the 1980s, which was when "Empire Strikes Back" and "Return Of The Jedi." were the popular Star Wars Movies. So when Phantom Menace came out and what the music scene was like at the time, many people wondered what Weird Al would do. What did he give us? (Cut to "The Saga Begins" as it plays for ten seconds. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: The plot of the movie! (Cut to "The Saga Begins" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.): And I don't mean like little points here and there; I mean he condenses the entire plot into a five-and-a-half-minute song, set to the tune of Don McLean's "American Pie.", and yet even with that, people went to see Phantom Menace in droves! Whether or not people saw it before or after hearing Werd Al's song is inconsequential. The fact is Weird Al gave us what to expect from this movie. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: What did Weird Al do for the Disney Sequels? (A tumbleweed rolls past James' desk) I wonder why.

(Cut to the duel as it progresses, and the number appears as James says the number)

TLOTA(V.O.): Number Eight

(Cut to the Prequels, Original Trilogy, and the Disney Sequels as James does a voiceover)

8)The Parallels between the Originals and the Prequels

TLOTA (V.O.): I have talked about this at great lengths, but the fact that The Prequels was the story of Anakin and Padme and the original trilogy was the story of Luke and Leia. With every left turn Anakin went, Luke turned right. Anakin loses his mom and slaughters the entire Tusken Raider tribe that took and tormented Shmi Skywalker to her death. Luke's Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru are murdered by the empire, and Luke stays true to finding his path to becoming a Jedi and seeking justice for his losses. Anakin loses his arm, and he slowly continues down the path of the Dark Side until he becomes Darth Vader; Luke gets a hand chopped off, and while he feels he's faltering, especially given the fact that Vader tells Luke that he is his father, Luke perseveres to not only redeem Anakin but the entire Skywalker family. Regarding the Skywalker family, Leia was so similar to Padme that it should surprise someone. When Leia watches her adopted homeworld of Alderaan be destroyed, it is probably the same feeling Padme had when the Trade Federation took over the planet Naboo. However, as Leia and Padme are cut from the same cloth, their taste in men sucks. Seriously, Padme, Anakin was barely out of diapers when you first meet, and then ten years later, you're in your twenties, and he's barely shaving at this point. And Leia, no wonder your kid went to the dark side once his dad felt like he failed both you and the kid; he went to the dark side just to heal himself from his parents being completely screwy, and I won't even go into how his mom frenched his uncle! That may be one thing I also saw in the Disney Sequels. How certain characters parallel the originals but to a lesser extent. Again, I said that the prequels are necessary to help understand the original trilogy, and I still stand by it. What do you need to understand the Disney Sequels? A sense of Deja Vu!

(Cut to the duel as it progresses, and the number appears as James says the number)

TLOTA(V.O.): Number Seven

(Cut to the posters of each of the Star Wars Posters as James does a voiceover)

7) The pacing between the movies

TLOTA (V.O.): So let's talk about how much time it took between when the original trilogy came out and the time it took in between for the prequels and the time it took in between for the Disney sequels, and I am going to not talk about the time between the trilogies. The original Star Wars: A New Hope came out in 1977; three years later, "The Empire Strikes Back," and three years after that came "Return Of The Jedi." Fast forward to 1999, and Phantom Menace came out, three years later, "Attack Of The Clones," and three years after, "Revenge Of The Sith." Fast forward to 2015 and "The Force Awakens." 2017, "The Last Jedi" was released, and in 2019, the last Star Wars movie, "The Rise Of Skywalker," was released. So, not counting both "Rogue One: A Star Wars Story" and "Solo: A Star Wars Story," which were released between the Disney Sequel Trilogy. There was a two-year gap. That extra year between the filming and post-production helped sand out any mistakes that could've been filmed. However, the quick turnaround didn't give us a chance to breathe. Those three years between the first, second, and third movies in the original and prequel trilogies without any filler pieces (Save for two pieces, which I will talk about in the number four spot) gave us time to see what else was out there. The constant influx of Star Wars media has diluted the strength of the movies and the franchise itself. Thankfully, they haven't made any more movies for now, and the series on Disney+ is their way of keeping interest without flooding theaters with inferior films.

(Cut to the duel as it progresses, and the number appears as James says the number)

TLOTA(V.O.): Number Six

(Cut to Palpatine, C-3PO, R2-D2, and Yoda in the prequels as James does a voiceover)

6) The Legacy characters

TLOTA (V.O.): I will be talking about Obi-Wan Kenobi soon enough, but for this part, I want to talk about the characters who were there for introductory purposes. Palpatine is there, so we can see his rise to power, eventually becoming the emperor and destroying the republic. C-3PO and R2-D2 are there to see how they connect to Luke and Leia as much as to Anakin and Padme. Yoda, once again performed by Frank Oz, had his battles with Dooku and Palpatine end with him not stopping any of that because he admitted he was blind to the clone army that was being built. If he was blind to that, he was oblivious to what was going on with Anakin and how Palpatine turned Anakin to Vader until it was too little, too late for the Jedi Order. The fact Palpatine, C-3PO & R2-D2 are used to further connections from the past as opposed to, say, having them just sprinkled in for the nostalgia along with somehow doing whatever they feel Luke, Leia, Han, and Chewbacca and making it up as they go, makes the Prequels somewhat better. We see how these characters connect better to the original trilogy. How they put these characters in was after sniffing super glue during the writing process.

(Cut to the duel as it progresses, and the number appears as James says the number)

TLOTA(V.O.): Number Five

(Cut to clips of Padme, Obi-Wan Kenobi, and Mace Windu in the prequels as James does a voiceover)

5) Natalie Portman, Samuel L. Jackson, Ewan McGregor

TLOTA (V.O.): As much as people want to say, "Oh, the acting in the Prequels was horrendous," let me ask you this: "Did the actors in the Disney Sequels win any awards for their work in the Star Wars movies?" Thought so. Let's face it, the acting isn't a highlight for the prequels or sequels. But what keeps the prequels from becoming unbearable is the work of Natalie Portman as Padme, Samuel L. Jackson as Mace Windu, and Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan Kenobi. Much like how Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, and The late Carrie Fisher were in the original trilogy, Samuel L Jackson, Natalie Portman, and Ewan McGregor were the glue that kept everything on track. They had to. Mace Windu had to be the arrogance of the Jedi, who was hellbent on keeping Anakin down. That arrogance turned into Mace's downfall and, sure enough, the downfall of the Jedi. Padme was the Eve to Anakin's Adam, and even though she was trying to keep him from sinning, the one time Adam did sin was what set many things in place for the universe to wound up. Obi-Wan was trying to be the father figure like Qui-Gon Jinn, as played by Liam Neeson, and brother to Anakin Skywalker, so when he failed at both after leaving baby Luke with Owen and Beru, it makes sense he had failed Anakin and decided the best way to protect Luke was to stay away from him as much as possible but be close enough to be there if he needed help. They also serve to move Anakin towards Vader, but that's for the number three spot. The crazy glue in the Disney Sequels was, of course, Rey, Poe, and Finn. And while they held their trilogy together, it was trying to hold together a skyscraper with a rubber band, if you understand, you understand.

(Cut to the duel as it progresses, and the number appears as James says the number)

TLOTA(V.O.): Number Four

(Cut to the "Star Wars: The Clone Wars" CGI series and the Genndy Tartakovsky "Star Wars: Clone Wars" Animated Mini-Series as James does a voiceover)

4) The "Clone Wars" cartoons

TLOTA (V.O.): The two "Clone Wars" series briefly expanded the emphasis of the Clone Wars we had heard about. The Genndy Tartakovsky "Clone Wars" series was primarily just a filler piece to help get from "Attack Of The Clones" to "Revenge of The Sith." It allowed Dave Filoni and his crew to expand on it by giving us Ahsoka Tano and more characters to help connect the movies and series. While Ahsoka was not mentioned in the Prequels, her character expanded in the Disney+ Star Wars shows, which is positive towards Disney's stewardship of Star Wars. The last time we had an animated series set before the original trilogy was the series "Ewoks" & "Droids." Both series were set after the prequel trilogy but before the original trilogy, much like with the series "Star Wars: Rebels," Both "Clone Wars" shows helped expand the franchise in a good way.

(Cut to the duel as it progresses, and the number appears as James says the number)

TLOTA(V.O.): Number Three

(Cut to the progression from Anakin to Darth Vader in the prequels as James does a voiceover)

3) The slow burn from Anakin to Darth Vader

TLOTA (V.O.): Many people wanted to see him immediately from the get-go, to briefly see Anakin be a Jedi and then turn to the dark side and be Darth Vader trying to end the Jedi in the rest of the prequels. But we wouldn't have known anything as to how, why, when, and What caused Anakin to turn to the dark side and then become the Darth Vader we've all turned into a mythic, unstoppable monster, which after watching the prequels was not the case. If anything, the reasons for his fall to the dark side was Mace Windu being so smugly superior, believing that Anakin needed to be knocked down because he had an ego towards Anakin, thinking he shouldn't be "The Chosen One" to bring balance so when Anakin cut his hand to show Mace his own hubris had gotten the best of him and what Palpatine did was cook the dude to what he deserved. Padme was the primary reason he went on the journey in the first place. Had Padme and Qui-Gon gone anywhere else, they would've avoided Anakin, yet Padme and Qui-Gon went to Watto's to get the parts for the hyperdrive, and as soon as Anakin, who was a kid, saw Padme and thought things that he shouldn't have, so once they married, he was doomed. No matter how much Obi-Wan Kenobi tried to fill Qui-Gon's shoes and keep Anakin from being around both Palpatine and Padme, he knew once he had his troops turn on him and then saw the deaths of the Jedi at the temple, Anakin was lost, no matter how much he tried, he failed Anakin, but he wouldn't fail Luke or Leia. But if that happened in the first prequel, he would've had to figure out how to do the other two prequels on the fly. Kind of reminiscent of more recent times if you ask me. But I digress; the fact is clear if we had gotten Vader from the get-go, we wouldn't have known the man that became the monster. Sometimes, the slow burn is the one that gets it right.

(Cut to the duel as it progresses, and The Episode One and Episode Two posters are killed by the Disney Star Wars movie posters, and the number appears as James says the number)

TLOTA(V.O.): Number Two

(Cut to clips of the Prequels as James does a voiceover.)

2) The Music

TLOTA (V.O.):

As much as people will admit that John Williams was one of the primary reasons all the trilogies worked, John was more restricted in the Disney Trilogy because of the familiarity of the songs. When Duel Of The Fates was released, it was instantly recognizable because John had the London Symphony Orchestra. He had hit upon one track in particular in The Phantom Menace called "Duel Of The Fates" that had the build-up to an epic feel, that had a flow, it had a sensibility that made people clench their jaws and say "YES JOHN! KEEP IT UP," and he did use it subtly in "Attack Of The Clones" as we see Anakin race to rescue Shmi, and then the final battle between Palpatine and Yoda. Now, yes, The song that they use for the love theme of Anakin and Padme was not as good; it was a gentile song, and it did show how close after a decade apart where they were and how they felt towards one another, but thankfully John saved the best of his Prequel work with the "Revenge Of The Sith" as we feel the pain of how Anakin falls to the Dark Side and the final fall of the old Republic.

(Cut to the duel as it progresses, and Episode Three goes to town, eventually slicing all three of the posters in half to their demises, and the number appears as James says the number)

TLOTA(V.O.): And the Number One Reason Why The Star Wars Prequels are better than the Disney Star Wars movies is...

(Cut to clips of the Prequels as James does a voiceover)

1) GEORGE LUCAS KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING!

TLOTA (V.O.): Please know that I have never said the following when it comes to George Lucas; he is the most creative writer, the greatest filmmaker, and the most significant movie producer, nor will I fully ever defend all of his ideas. But at least when he plans something, he knows what he is doing. He also knew when it came to Jar-Jar Binks that Jar-Jar was the canary in the coal mine, and George knew when he heard how much the fans hated the character; he went into damage control mode and had to set it up that Jar-Jar had to really F up in "Attack Of The Clones." and how could he do that? Let's make Jar-Jar the guy who hands the galaxy to Palpatine on a Silver platter! He knew so much had to go wrong to get things right. He knew that casting which actor he wanted to play the youngest Anakin in "Phantom Menace" and then the one we'd get in "Attack Of The Clones" and "Revenge Of The Sith" would have to get people interested. If he had hired Leonardo DiCaprio or someone of a high caliber, it might have been more appealing, but to see one of them struggle through such dialogue would have turned those fans away. George Lucas made it clear that it had to be Anakin on screen. I know I will be barbequed for what I'm about to say. Still, by hiring Jake Lloyd to play Anakin in Phantom Menace and Hayden Christensen in "Attack Of The Clones" and "Revenge Of The Sith," George knew that Anakin would be performed to the caliber the role deserved. Let's face it: both Hayden and Natalie Portman look like younger versions of Mark Hamill and the late Carrie Fisher. He also knew he wanted to see the fall of the Republic, and that point had to happen slowly. George Lucas knew how to handle the Fandom Menace by giving the audience what they wanted when he felt they deserved it, not by doing it when they said they wanted it. The Disney Sequels were pandering for the almighty dollar, and what Lucasfilms under Kathleen Kennedy has done is nothing short of making the Star Wars franchise nearly unwatchable. George Lucas may have hurt the movies with the prequels, but at least it was a pain from which we could recover! Thus, George's work with the prequels and all that he did right, along with his knowing what he was doing, are the number one reasons why the prequels are better than the Disney sequels! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And while I would usually say, "If there's anyone who wants to say where I'm wrong and how Disney did the Star Wars Franchise better than George Lucas, let me know in the comment section." But I know you won't comment, so I can get this out. (Cut to the Disney "Star Wars" Skywalker movies as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.): For many fans, I will give the Disney movies time to grow. Yes, it took time for us to accept the Prequels as better than they were for all their faults, but given what little time we have left, I say we give ourselves a break from Disney's "Star Wars" works and look around at other fandoms to like. It would be healthy for your likes and dislikes, even with the Star Wars franchise. When the 2009 "Star Trek" movie came out, It was perfectly timed because I had burned my love of "Star Wars" to the ground. Then came the "MCU," another breath of fresh air before returning to the "Star Wars" movies. So, time away from the film franchise before rewatching or returning to them is a good thing, believe it or not, and while yes, I indulge in "The Mandalorian" or "Obi-Wan Kenobi." It is something outside the Star Wars Skywalker movies and the Star Wars Movies. And yes, maybe in a few more years, we'll appreciate the Disney sequels differently as opposed to the death knell of the Star Wars Franchise. (Cut to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans physically)

TLOTA: So, let's see how this is going to go. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, and That's my opinion! (Cut to two hours later as James looks over the numbers) Well, I'm not surprised that one person is watching this review. Oh, hey, let's check out Social Media. Yep, just link me to Trump and Hitler, even though I support LGBTQIA+ and supporting other good causes, which includes making sure Rapists get the death penalty; just because of my Political association, I am automatically evil! Even, OH MY FUCKING GOD! Eliza Dushku and several other former associates are joining the fucking bandwagon to see me be sent to jail because I'm a Republican! You know what, I'm done! My career is destroyed, and my personal life is dead; WHAT'S THE FUCKING POINT OF CONTINUING IF ALL I GET IS FAILURE AFTER FAILURE! TO BE MADE A GOD DAMNED JOKE BY EVERYONE?! (Swirls of smoke envelop the scene, and we cut to James as he falls and floats in the middle of a crimson void.)

(A voice from nowhere): At last we meet!

TLOTA: What the hell? Where are you? WHO ARE YOU?

(The same voice from nowhere): I am responsible for returning you to the path I need you to be on. I am the one to end the frivolous relationship with that woman. I sent you all the obstacles; I am the one who had to send you back to the reality that you are insignificant (A woman in a hoverchair, dressed like Madame Web, played by Olivia Horvath, appears). I am the one who told you to go west to ensure that everything had to go according to destiny, including when I did it and what I did. You may call me Mistress Net! And now to ensure you become what needs to be made into. (Cut to James with a grimaced anger on his face. Fade to black)