"Apes" & The End Of The End

(Camera turns on) 

TLOTA: 
James Faraci, Last Of The Americans, my opinions, possibly yours and those still out there. (James shows his handmade title card of a Nuclear explosion and the words “The End Of The World,” and James puts it on the desk.) YEAH! I’ve reached the end of the rope. Power is so limited that I must make this the quickest review I’ve ever done! In the nineteen sixties, there were enough Anti-Nuclear War and Post-Apocalyptic movies; the best one was “Planet Of The Apes,” which also happened to be a Sci-Fi movie. The audience and Producers wanted a sequel; the main star outside of the apes wanted nothing to do with it, compromises were made, a crazy plot, and the perfect ending for this type of movie. Let’s not waste time; this is “Beneath The Planet Of The Apes” (James puts the camera on the screen. James hits the play button.) 

TLOTA (V.O.):  
The movie opens with the ending and twist, moves on to another ship that crash landed as we meet with Taylor knock off Brent, played by James Franciscus. He meets with Nova as we see that Charleton Heston’s Taylor and Nova are traversing in the forbidden zone; as Taylor investigates some rocks that came out of nowhere, he disappears. Brent asks Nova to take him to Taylor. Instead, they go to Ape City as Gorilla General Ursus tells the crowd that the only good human is a dead one, and yes, the budget cuts are shown in most of the shots. One change that worked in the movie’s budget’s favor was that Roddy McDowall was unavailable to return as Cornelius; thus, they could hire a soundalike to play Cornelius. Cornelius and Zira find Brent and Nova and help Brent blend in. However, things go south as they’re captured by Gorillas and labeled Target Practice. Escaping thanks to Zira. Brent and Nova make it to a cave where Brent realizes the same thing Taylor did, THIS IS EARTH, POST NUKES, AND POSTHUMAN STUPIDITY!  As they go further, they discover the ultimate Doomsday Bomb and people that have mutated into skinless psychics that can control Brent to do anything they want. Soon after that, The Gorillas decide it’s time to make the humans in the Forbidden Zone extinct. Joining them for some odd reason is Dr. Zaius, who is an Orangutan. After some mind fuckery from the mutants, Brent finally meets Taylor; one of the mutants tries to use his mind controls to have Taylor and Brent slaughter one another. Nova surprisingly shouts Taylor’s name, breaking the mutant’s hold long enough to have Taylor and Brent kill the Mutant. Meanwhile, the Apes have found Mutant City, and they’re going on a slaughter that would make most of the massacres that used to happen when humans were around look meager in comparison. The head mutant raises the bomb as Nova is murdered by a Gorilla; Brent and Taylor decide that today is the end of the world, and they’ll do it! Taylor is shot down; Brent murders Gorillas as Taylor begs Zaius to help end it all but decides to press the button as Brent is slaughtered, and BOOM! Earth has finally died! (James pulls the camera away to him)  

TLOTA: 
PERFECT ENDING TO WHAT HAS BEEN HAPPENING! WE KILLED EACH OTHER; WE DESERVE THOSE WHO WOULD SUCCEED US TO BE KILLED BY THE NEANDERTHAL! If I had more time to discuss the bizarre and crazy story, the topical moments about the young are trying to say “STOP! We must do better, bring out the truth, and end the madness! If you’re a fan of the Apes movies, you’ll enjoy this classic and this movie (Power Flickers again). GOD DAMN IT! THAT’S IT! (James grabs the camera and carries it with him as he walks out of his room.) GUYS, I’m going out there to fix the busted wire that we thought we got taken care of the first time and without protection! (James puts the camera down as everyone screams and argues about James going out without protection.) GUYS! Listen to me; you guys have more than I do to live for, and I don’t. Which is why before I go out there, I bequeath the following to all of you, the title of “The Last Of The Americans,” and to Alex, I bequeath something else if the world hadn’t ended, something that we would’ve shared, my last name! (James and Alex kiss for the last time as he gives her his shirt and goes out with a flag bandana around his head after shaving his face of three months' worth of facial hair; he turns the camera to the door and screams as he goes through the safe door, closes it behind him. We see James looking around and see James Daniel Walsh, Rowdy, and Chad Narducci. Cut to James looking confused) 

TLOTA: 
Rowdy?! Boss?! CHAD?!  WHAT IN THE SAMUEL LANGFORD HELL IS GOING ON? If I’m dead from radiation poisoning and if this is heaven, I am in the wrong place. (Cut to Rowdy) 

Rowdy: 
James, where have you been? You look like hell! (Cut to James) 

TLOTA: 
The nukes! They were launched, and everyone out there is dead! Or at least they should be! (Cut to Chad Narducci) 

Chad Narducci: 
Are you telling me you thought the siren you heard was the sirens to signify that Nuclear Armageddon had begun and life on earth was over?! (Cut to James) 

TLOTA: 
YES! THE NUKES WERE LAUNCHED! THE EXPLOSIONS DESTROYED THE WORLD THAT WE KNEW! (Cut to James Daniel Walsh) 

James Daniel Walsh: 
James, the siren you heard was the weather emergency siren. (Cut to James) 

TLOTA: 
No! (Cut to the three nodding Yes, in unison. Cut to James) IT CAN’T BE! THE WORLD ENDED, DIDN’T IT?! (Cut to the three nodding No, in unison. Cut to James) YOU MEAN TO TELL ME I WAS IN THAT BUNKER SINCE DECEMBER, AND NOTHING HAPPENED?! (Cut to the three nodding Yes, in unison. Cut to James) YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?! (James sighs as it cuts to everyone walking out of the bunker with a look of disgust or anger towards James, with Paulo and Rebecca smacking him upside the head. As everyone has cleaned up and shaved from what has happened, James finalizes cleaning up the studio as everyone gathers in the lobby. Cut to James) 

TLOTA: 
Guys, I apologize for wasting time, money, and everything else since December. (Cut to the team.) 

Rebecca Yaun: 
James, we aren’t upset with what you did, but why did you react like that? 

Nick Yaun: 
What were you thinking? 

Paulo Fonsecca: 
Was there any point to “Bequeath” “The Last Of The Americans” to us and giving Alex your last name? 

Brenda Fonsecca: 
Are you going to defend yourself? (Cut to James) 

TLOTA: 
Let me turn this on, and I will explain myself. (James turns on the tv and joins the others as it cuts to stories of what is happening out there as James does a voiceover) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
We are at that mythical zero hour. The point where we are given a chance to either learn from our past and stop before we meet our demise, or we finally nuke ourselves and pray that the generations after us will forgive us for our stupidity.  We can’t wait anymore! We all must agree to total nuclear disarmament!  Christopher Reeve’s statement about us wanting peace has a new perspective since this war began. It’s clear that the evil in all the governments we have ignored is ramping up toward nuclear annihilation. No Government wants to give us peace on all of us unless they’re the Number one government! That mentality is killing people now and will continue to do so until we all say to every person in power, “NO MORE! NO MORE NUCLEAR WEAPONS! NO MORE LIVING IN FEAR OF US DYING FROM NUCLEAR RADIATION! NO MORE DEATH AND DESTRUCTION UNLESS YOU HAVE THE BALLS TO FACE SOMEONE WHO MAY AT ONE TIME HAVE SUPPORTED YOU OR MAYBE SOMEONE YOU CONSIDERED FAMILY OR MAY EVEN BE YOUR FAMILY AND LOOK DOWN THE BARREL OF A GUN AND SHOOT THEM IN COLD BLOOD! AND IF YOU CAN’T PULL THE TRIGGER, YOU SHOULD DO THE RIGHT THING AND SHUT DOWN YOUR NUKES! ONCE AND FOR ALL!” (Cut to everyone as they are shocked by what James has said.) 

TLOTA: 
I feel better, and what I said is not for the sake of myself but for my nieces and the generations after them! I want them to have a future; it may be too late for my generation, but not for them; I am begging you to disarm for their sake, not mine. And if you can’t or won’t, then let me ask you this as one human being to another. Can the blood you shed wash off the slaughter you want so you can win? Think about it. I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans & Those are FACTS! Not just opinion! 

The "Doctor", The "Bomb" & The End

(Camera turns on and James grabs the title card and hums “It’s The End Of The World As We Know It & I Feel Fine” for five seconds as James shows his handmade title card of a Nuclear explosion and the words “The End Of The World” and James puts it on the desk.) 

TLOTA: 
Last Of The Americans, you know the rest! (Sighs) Is this my life now? Has it been this way before the nukes destroyed everything? I don’t know, and a part of me lost the ability to care. But then again, we forgot the Cold War. And that Cold War began after the Second World War when we were condemning the usage of nuclear weapons, and we found ourselves at a standstill. At its height in the 1960s, we were quickly learning how to accept how to be nuked! Let’s look at the rubric of Stanley Kubrick. (James sets up a portable Blu-Ray/DVD player as he gets it to the main menu) “Dr. Strangelove, Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying, And Love The Bomb” showed what happened that eventually happened to us. If we let idiots do the dumbest things, that would cut the atomic thin thread that held the sword of Damocles over our heads. And Kubrick decided to take the seriousness and turned it into a dark comedy. Well, let me think, a dark comedy about nuclear annihilation? Yeah, everyone would chuckle at the nuclear weapons wiping out everything. Let’s not waste time because Power is so limited; this is “Dr. Strangelove, Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying, And Love The Bomb” (James puts the camera on the screen. James hits the play button.) 

TLOTA (V.O.):  
The movie opens with how we were preparing ourselves for the eventual nuclear annihilation as we see scenes of B-52s carrying the nuclear bombs that they can drop on Russia at the drop of a dime and how they’re being refueled. If I could’ve saved my MST3K collection, I would show that moment in “The Starfighters” about the refueling scenes from there. We then see Peter Sellers in one of the three roles he plays. The first is this RAF Captain Mandrake, and the others are that of The President and the titular Dr. Strangelove. Anyway, The RAF Captain Mandrake has been asked by an American General Jack D. Ripper (Humorlessly “Ha-Ha!”) to seal off the base, call for a condition red, and tell their lead B-52 wing to go to plan “R!” (James pulls the camera away to him)  

TLOTA: 
“R” for ridiculously insane because, when you hear the General’s reason for starting the nuclear destruction of the planet, I guarantee you’ll find a surviving soldier and pimp smack him Will Smith style! (James puts the camera back on the screen) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
Getting confirmation, everyone on the B-52 gets ready to drop the bomb!  The event gets the attention of Gen. Buck Turgidson, played by George C. Scott, and he goes to the War Room and gets ready. RAF Captain Mandrake tries to follow General Ripper’s orders and quickly discovers the man is completely psychotic!  But the officers in the B-52, which includes Major Kong, played by Slim Pickens, and another officer, played by James Earl Jones get the job of wiping Russia off the map because of a doomsday device, and it is here that we see how demented Ripper is! (Show Ripper as he tells RAF Captain Mandrake about the Fluoridation of the water as it may have left impotent! James pulls the camera away to him)  

TLOTA: 
You have got to be kidding me. He’s blaming Russians for the Fluoridization of water, Fluoride! The REASON WE HAVE TEETH IN OUR MOUTH, THE KEY MOTHER FUCKING INGREDIENT IN TOOTHPASTE, left Ripper unable to perform in bed with his wife, and put his entire base on lockdown! This man obviously went to the Lt. Col. Frank Burns school of Military insanity! AND THIS CAME OUT YEARS BEFORE “M*A*S*H,” THE MOVIE AND THE TV SERIES, CAME OUT! (Power starts to flicker) Fuck! Not again, shutting down, AGAIN, until power can be restored, AGAIN! This lifestyle is killing me! (A blank screen stands for thirty seconds. James clicks the camera with an upset look on his face! James puts the camera back on the screen) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
We soon find ourselves in the war room, where the President is informed about the incident that General Ripper has caused. Gen. Turgidson tells the President that Ripper is insane, and the President is not that stupid; he wants to speak to Ripper immediately and doesn’t want to go down as the man who allowed someone who is insane to wipe everyone off the map because he couldn’t get it up because Fluoride in the water! And this President is smart to bring in the Russian Ambassador to try and end this without Nuclear Armageddon! Meanwhile, Major Kong and his team go over their survival kits. (Show Major Kong as he goes over the Survival Kit and says, “Shoot, a fellow could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff” James pulls the camera away to him)  

TLOTA: 
Well, I know some people would’ve had a wild weekend in Vegas IF VEGAS WASN’T A NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP RIGHT NOW! (James puts the camera back on the screen) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
The Russian Ambassador arrives in the War Room as Gen. Turgidson continues to dump on the Russians. The Russian Ambassador and Turgidson duke it out as everyone tries to get ahold of the Russian Premier. (Show a clip of the President screaming, “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the war room!” James pulls the camera away to him)  

TLOTA: 
And believe it or not, this “War Room” DOES NOT EXIST! (James puts the camera back on the screen) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
As the military comes in with one job: to get General Ripper to talk to the President, everyone under the command of Ripper starts shooting everything that moves. As everyone in the War Room finally gets a hold of the Russian Premier about the situation, and believe it or not, the conversation goes nowhere except helping stop Armageddon's flying nuclear flights. However, the Russian Ambassador tells them about their Doomsday Machine that their machine will take no time to destroy everything leaving the earth dead as it is now. General Ripper wants RAF Captain Mandrake to help him put a belt of bullets into his gun, and it is here we’re introduced to Dr. Strangelove as he shows and tells what they’ve made a device and this device will cause the end of the world. Eventually, with the sane and rational Armed Forces members reaching the base, Ripper decides to pull a Hitler in the bunker scenario rather than let him get smacked into intelligent thinking! Left to solve the scenario to end things peacefully, RAF Captain Mandrake tries to clean up the mess Ripper made. Meanwhile, A shot hits the B-52 to try and stop the plane but only damages the jet as they continue to fly to their destination. As that goes on, Mandrake, after finally discovering the recall code to stop the madness, comes up to Col. “Bat Guano,” as performed by Keenan Wynn, to get him to call the President while many of the planes either return or were shot down, the one B-52 with Major Kong is on the command is flying towards the destruction of the world as we come to the ending, we all know and when we had humor was satirized and parodied. (Show the B-52 as it flies to Armageddon and Major Kong riding the bomb down screaming “YAHOO!” and the Nuclear Armageddon begins and Dr. Strangelove gives his spiel and the end lines of “MEIN FURHER! I CAN WALK!” and the Nuclear Destruction continues as it goes to “The End” James pulls the camera away to him)  

TLOTA: 
So yeah, when we let idiots, morons, those with Low I. Q’s, and everyone else with zero functional brain cells cross them with crazy Armed Forces and everything else that 2020 through 2022 has decided they’re the smartest people on the planet. I’m supposed to have been surprised about what happened in this movie?! Not at All! This movie became the darkest comedy about the nuclear destruction of our planet and, for all intents and purposes, showed how the biggest morons could lead people to destruction! I haven’t seen anything this strongly powerful that was so darkly humored that it had to have made an impact, and it did! If you wanted to see how your great-grandparents came close to nuclear annihilation, then you need to see how lucky you were to get to this point! (Power Flickers again) Fuck! The power is unstable again! I will fix this mess if it takes me everything I have left! See everyone soon. I’m James, Last Of The Americans, signing off! (Camera shuts off)