The Different Cuts of Affleck the "Daredevil"

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run and the words Ben to the Ben to the Ben AFFLECK is heard in the background. At the 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators Ben to the Ben is repeated while the image shows Ben Affleck’s face on James Faraci’s body morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with a Black Tee-Shirt with Ben Affleck’s face from “Pearl Harbor” on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher and Ben Affleck’s face in “Daredevil” is on the coin, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers with Ben Affleck’s faces showing Different emotions from different films, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James taking on all of popular culture until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it.)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours and with the end of my three month look on Ben Affleck I’ve decided to introduce a new review segment I like to call “The Different Cuts” (Show James, Paulo & Rebecca dressed as butchers grabbing the same reel of film and a diagram of the reel of film. James Paulo & Rebecca look at both the three go to a meat slicer, all three slice different thicknesses with Paulo’s cut saying “The” James’s cut saying “Different” and Rebecca’s cut saying “Cuts” before cutting back to James) This is where I look at the same movie and see where the cuts differentiate from one another.

 (Cut to Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca at the doorway into James’ office.)

Paulo: Doesn’t that guy you talk about have something similar?

Rebecca: New versus Old, I think it’s called. (Cut to James inside his office.)

TLOTA: The guy you’re thinking of is The Nostalgia Critic and the segment he does is called “Old versus New” but I’m not doing that it’s literally the same movie just different cuts and I see which one is the better either cut. (Cut to Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca at the doorway into James’ office.)

Paulo: Oh okay, we’ll be outside if you need us. (Cut to James inside his office)

TLOTA: Well now that I’ve gotten that explanation of what this new review segment is about, I’ve heard of dumber reasons why Ben Affleck shouldn’t be a member of either “The Avengers” or “Justice League”. (Cut to Daredevil opening credit while “Right Before Your Eyes” from Hoobastank plays in the background then cut to clips of “Daredevil” play while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voice over): Daredevil, based on the Marvel character, is technically not a bad movie nor is it a good movie. I’ll explain. When I saw it in the theaters and I enjoyed it but as I’ve seen it on TV I’ve seen more of the flaws in it. Partly having discovered that 20^th Century Fox had meddled with the movie without discussing it with the writer & director Mark Steven Johnson (Cut to a photo of Mark Steven Johnson with James saying “YES the same one who worked on the Elektra movie, Ghost Rider movie and Jack Frost but regardless…” before cutting back to James doing a voice over clips of “Daredevil”)

TLOTA (Voice over): Mark Steven Johnson decided to correct what 20^th Century Fox with a Director’s cut that fills in some of the plot holes but it also takes away some of what made the theatrical cut good. (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA: So let’s not waste any more time let’s start off with the movies differ greatly, The Plot! (Show DVD covers of the Director and Theatrical cuts of “Daredevil” while “Matt Becomes Daredevil” track from the Original Motion Picture Score as the words “The Plot” is written in the same font the “Daredevil” title card is in between the center of both covers before cutting to James doing a voice over)

TLOTA (Voice over): The premise of the plot is that Matt Murdock played by Affleck was blinded as a kid with a radioactive liquid but in return enhanced his other senses to compensate and as a young kid he trained himself to use his disability into an advantage. Especially when his dad a one-time thug who was at one point a boxer blamed himself for what happened to Matt and when he made a comeback it didn’t end well especially when it came to a moment when he was supposed to throw a fight and didn’t and suffered Superhero Movie Cliché # 33: Death of a parental or mentor figure. Years later Matt has become “Daredevil” a vigilante who goes into the night to hunt criminals that somehow have evaded justice. One case in particular that they in both cuts had was when a criminal named Quesada played by Paul-Ben Victor got away with rape. I mean my god imagine if the Special Victims Unit of the 16^th precinct in Manhattan had handled it. (Cut to a green screened courtroom where D.A. Rafael Barba played by James Faraci, Attorney John Buchanan played by Eric Gaede, Detective Rollins played by Elisa Hanson-Schuler, Sergeant Benson being played by Rachel Tietz, Detective Carisi being played by Paul “Paw” Schuler, Detective Amaro being played by Paulo Fonseca, Detective Tutuola being played by Malcolm Ray and the Judge played by Chris Lee Moore)

John Buchanan: Your honor this is a farce! My client simply was there at the wrong time but she asked for it, she deserved it.

D.A. Rafael Barba: She deserved to be beaten and violated like an animal because she wouldn’t put out to that slime your fat fucking ass calls a client! (Gavel bangs as camera cuts to the Judge.)

Judge: Mr. Barba, please show some restraint and décor it would behoove you. (Cut to the detectives behind the D. A.’s table.)

Detective Rollins: Hey guys is it me or is Barba on the verge of snapping like a twig?

Sergeant Benson: Relax after the case he’ll have a few and he’ll be fine.

Detective Tutuola: I don’t know, I think Rollins may be making a point here.

Detective Amaro: Yeah look into his eyes, the cheese is about to fall off the cracker!

Detective Carisi: I agree with Benson let’s get through this and then we’ll get him to relax. (Cut to the Attorneys)

John Buchanan: The truth is my client was….

D.A. Rafael Barba: YOUR CLIENT IS GUILTY AND YOU ARE A VACUOUS THUNDER TWAT FOR THINKING CRIMES AGAINST YOUR FELLOW MAN ESPECIALLY WHEN ONE BASTARD BELIEVES THAT “BITCHES SHOULD BE CORRECTED” SHOULDN’T BE PUNISHED! (Gavel bangs) OH BANG AWAY AT THAT GAVEL A FAT FUCKING LOT THAT SHIT DOES WHEN THAT PIECE OF FILTH DEFENSE REPRESENTS SHOULD BE BARKING IN HELL ALONG WITH YOU, YOU FAT FUCK!  (Pulls a gun out of an off screen’s court officer’s holster and shoots Buchanan and the off-screen client.)

Judge (Off Screen): COURT OFFICERS, GET THE JURY OUT OF HERE NOW! RESTRAIN THAT MA… (Barba shoots and kills the Judge with an argh being heard as the last thing out of his mouth!)

D.A. Rafael Barba: THE REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN DEATH TO THE YANKEE PIGS!  (Sergeant Benson yells “JUMP HIM!” off screen and the detectives pile on to restrain D.A. Rafael Barba as the scene ends and the movie continues as James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice Over): But where is the plot stronger? Well the Director’s cut adds a subplot that has a Criminal played by Coolio framed for a murder done by the right hand man to the main enemy played by Leland Orser and made it look like the criminal did the murder which slows everything down but at the same time adds depth to everything however it slows Matt’s Character Development which is where I think the theatrical cut is better. The pace of the Theatrical cut’s plot makes it better because it’s more focused on Matt’s journey from just another vigilante to a hero that does better in darkness.

TLOTA: But gun to my head if I had to choose which movie had the better plot I’d say the Director’s cut. (Cut to clips of “Daredevil” while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): And while the theatrical cut of the movie is great, the Director’s one adds more of a sense of accomplishment knowing that Daredevil will be redeemed and to be honest it feels more of a completed film. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So the first point goes to The Director’s cut. (Show DVD covers of the Director and Theatrical cuts of “Daredevil” and a one point mark over the Director’s cut while “Matt Becomes Daredevil” track from the Original Motion Picture Score before cutting to James)

TLOTA: But Plot is only part of the equation in my theory on what makes a movie great. The editing of scenes also plays a part on how well the movie is. Let’s see which one was edited better. (Show DVD covers of the Director and Theatrical cuts of “Daredevil” while “Matt Becomes Daredevil” track from the Original Motion Picture Score as the words “Editing” is written in the same font the “Daredevil” title card is in between the center of both covers before cutting to James doing a voice over)

TLOTA (Voice Over): When you edit a movie you have a ton of takes for the editor to put together for scenes and the scenes either can make or break a movie. Take for instance the introduction of The Kingpin played by The Late Great Michael Clarke Duncan. In the theatrical cut we see him looking suave dressed in his finest thinking he has the world on a string sitting on a gold & diamond encrusted throne. However we see him kill his guards like an animal in the Director’s cut while dressed in those said finest which in my opinion may imply that underneath that suave exterior is an animal but the theatrical cut feels like it was more like it was done with Subtlety or for instance the moments between Elektra & Matt, one moment that stands out to me is when the two are standing in the rain in the Theatrical cut that moment comes after Matt nearly pounded a thug into ground hamburger and scaring a little kid and the said night Matt hears another thug claiming Hell’s Kitchen as the Kingpin’s territory as much as the rest of New York City as Matt is just about to leave Elektra on the Roof in a weird way she convinces him not to go thus giving him a reason not to always be about scaring and killing the bad guys thus saving a part of Matt’s humanity. However in the Director’s cut it is implied that not even being with someone like Elektra can save him from what he feels is his mission to save Hell’s Kitchen from the forces of the Kingpin. Another moment is after the murder of Nikolas Natchios played by Erick Avari when Matt erupts in anger. In the theatrical cut Matt goes to the priest who knew that Matt was Daredevil all along to admit that the priest was right. But in the Director’s Cut it goes to a moment that was seen later on in which News announcers are claiming that the Daredevil killed Nikolas and calling Nikolas the Kingpin. But there was a problem with that scene, ELEKTRA WAS THERE! She saw Daredevil’s weapon being used by Bullseye played by Colin Farrell kill Nikolas. Not once did Bull’s-eye say that Nikolas was the Kingpin or even mention the Kingpin at all! But it gets worse Elektra blames the death of her father on Daredevil! And while yes she makes a point that it was his weapon Bull’s-Eye actually used the weapon so shouldn’t she be blaming Bull’s-Eye? Eh at this point I’m getting off track, the point is that after the moment with News Reporters Bull’s-Eye meets with the Kingpin and comes up with a game plan to finish off both Daredevil and Elektra then in a subplot that I mainly forgot in the plot synopsis for the Director’s cut was that a criminal played by Coolio was put on trial for a murder of a woman who became close to and was in actually murdered by the Kingpin’s second hand man played by Leland Orser but that isn’t discovered until after a whole lot of scenes like a moment in which the aforementioned trial scene comes the funeral scene and to be honest  the funeral scene in both is really good partly due to the song “My Immortal” by the band Evanescence and the fact the dialogue realizes that the tables have turned Elektra is blinded by anger and Matt can see that it’s not the right way so to speak. After Elektra leaves Matt to ponder what is gonna happen next Ben Urich played by Joe Pantoliano who throughout both cuts have been on the trail of both Daredevil & the Kingpin also had information that can clear the criminal and imply the Kingpin and the fight at the end of the movie between Daredevil and The Kingpin is handled differently in both cuts while we see that Daredevil’s radar sense is distorted I think I didn’t need to see the moment where Daredevil is being beaten by Kingpin in the Radar sense I actually feel it was better in the Director’s cut. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But which cut was edited better? (Cut to clips of “Daredevil” while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): Well the scenes and case for the criminal added into the Director’s Cut does lengthen the movie thus making the audience feel like things that shouldn’t have been edited out I feel the theatrical cut is as good because honestly this felt like it was the beginning of something freaking good but I think both cuts played its strongest hand by giving the audience the battle between Daredevil and The Kingpin at the end thus compromising the foundation for sequels. But the Theatrical cut gives its audience a thrill by keeping it short, sweet and simple but the point again must go to the Director’s cut because it gives the depth that the theatrical cut lacks. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: So the point goes again to The Director’s cut. (Show DVD covers of the Director and Theatrical cuts of “Daredevil” and a second point mark over the Director’s cut while “Matt Becomes Daredevil” track from the Original Motion Picture Score before cutting to James)

TLOTA: Well so far the Director’s cut has two points and the theatrical cut has nada but a lot can happen after the break. Why am I taking a break? Because watching two movies at the same time is EXHAUSTING!

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return act to the review cutting to the movie while James does a voice over cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: So now that I got most of technical aspects out of the way let’s get to where things definitely differ greatly. The use of the characters and the actors who play them. (Show DVD covers of the Director and Theatrical cuts of “Daredevil” while “Matt Becomes Daredevil” track from the Original Motion Picture Score as the words “Use Of Characters & Actors” is written in the same font the “Daredevil” title card is in between the center of both covers before cutting to James doing a voice over)

TLOTA (Voice over): I’ll admit that the talent in the cast is excellent in both save for one performance and I know certain people thought Jennifer Garner as Elektra was bad but action wise she was kick-ass but acting wise so much that came out of her mouth fell flat as a table read! What happened to her? Was she Shaymalized before filming began?(Cut to Rebecca as Jennifer Garner in her trailer as a puff of Smoke appears behind her revealing Shaymalan played by James Faraci vocally but physically by Malcolm Ray)

Shaymalan: You know what has to happen next.

Jennifer Garner: No! Wait! Please let me get Shaymalized in the next movie I’m making! Not This one!

Shaymalan: Afraid not, but if it’ll make you feel any better I will repeat the process if you reprise the role! Now prepare to be Shaymalized! (Cut to set of Daredevil where James plays Ben Affleck, Paulo Fonseca plays Mark Steven Johnson and Rebecca Fonseca plays Jennifer Garner.)

Ben Affleck: Excuse me I was wondering if could you get me some honey.

Jennifer Garner (Unemotional and Shaymalized): It’s right in front of you.

Ben Affleck: Uh could you be a little more specific?

Jennifer Garner (Unemotional and Shaymalized): What? Are you…?

Ben Affleck: Blind?

Mark Steven Johnson (Off screen): And Cut, print, beautiful! (Walks on screen): Hey Jennifer, you were amazing!

Ben Affleck: Are you shitting me Mark, Even at my worse I couldn’t be that unemotional. (Cell phone buzzes in his pocket.) Excuse me for a moment. (Pulls out cell phone.) Hello, Yeah, Yeah, I got it! I got it and Jen is in there as well? Great. Hey Mark we got hurry up. My girl Jenny from the block and I have been casted in this great movie called “Gigli” and if I’m lucky it’ll make me and J. Lo more infamous. (Ben walks away with a shit eating grin on his face as Jennifer sighs)

Jennifer Garner: Scott and I have hit a rough patch and I need a clean break and start anew. I wonder if Ben will ever notice me. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Regardless of Jennifer’s performance which cut has the better amount? (Cut to clips of “Daredevil” while James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voice over): While some characters got little screen time, they did leave an impact like the character of Father Everett played by Derrick O’Connor who in the Theatrical cut knew that Matt was Daredevil and tried to get him to see what was happening around him when he becomes Daredevil, however in the Director’s cut I think the poor man of God got the short end of the crucifix. Then we have the secretary to Matt & Franklin played by Ellen Pompeo. In the theatrical cut she got maybe a few seconds on screen. But in the Director’s cut she got a minute or two at the most but made the most of it by helping Franklin solve the murder the criminal didn’t commit. Then there is Ben Urich played by Joe Pantoliano in the Theatrical cut it was implied that by the start of the third act that he discovered Matt was in fact Daredevil but in the Director’s cut it is implied that Ben doesn’t discover that fact until the middle of the ending. Then we have Franklin “Foggy” Nelson played by Jon Favreau, that’s right Happy Hogan had some experience in the Marvel Universe before the Iron Man movies. In the theatrical cut while a bottom feeder through and through and doing anything to quickly get to the top he somehow doesn’t convince Matt to go to The Ball thrown by Elektra’s father. However in the Director’s cut it took about as much effort to convince Matt to go to the Ball as it did for the writers of “The Adventures Of Sonic The Hedgehog” not “Sonic Sat. A.M.” to write every single episode of that show. But I also get Jon Favreau’s characterization of “Foggy” was trying to do better but he wanted to short circuit the process and still somehow remain a decent man. Then we have The Kingpin played by the Late Michael Clarke Duncan as I said earlier while his intros differ between the two cuts Michael seemed to have kept The Kingpin’s essence. Then there is Bullseye in both cuts he is just a hoot to watch, The cheese And then there is the main character Matt Murdock played by Ben Affleck while in the Theatrical cut we see how personal the journey is for him, in the Director’s cut he still goes through the journey but he also feels that the less people he lets in the better which I think explains the difference in the rain scene where Elektra basically tells him without saying it that it’s okay to let me in to help in the theatrical cut where in the Director’s cut he was trying to keep her safe by going into the darkness and going essentially what his destiny to fight in the darkness and being harder than the criminals he fights and if you listen to Ben Affleck’s voice I now think that maybe he would be a better Batman voice wise as opposed to Christian Bale, Just listen to Ben’s voice as Daredevil, it sounds a hundred times more like Batman than Christian Bale’s voice. (Cut to clips where Daredevil says “I’m Not the Bad Guy” & “Justice is served” and him talking to Elektra in mid battle before it cuts to James physically)

TLOTA: But all things considered I do think that both cuts actually did something right. Both cuts used the characters properly. (Cut to clips of “Daredevil” while James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voice over): But again the Director’s cut edges out the Theatrical cut by a Kevin Smith cameo. While yes Kevin Smith worked on the Daredevil story line “Guardian Devil” and based the look of Matt on Ben Affleck and he gets at least a few seconds more on screen and that for me is more than enough to be point worthy (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So the point goes once again to The Director’s cut. (Show DVD covers of the Director and Theatrical cuts of “Daredevil” and a third point mark over the Director’s cut while “Matt Becomes Daredevil” track from the Original Motion Picture Score before cutting to James)

TLOTA When all things considered which cut actually has what I call the “Re-Watch” factor, the Director’s cut or the Theatrical cut. (Show DVD covers of the Director and Theatrical cuts of “Daredevil” while “Matt Becomes Daredevil” track from the Original Motion Picture Score as the words “Re-Watch Factor” is written in the same font the “Daredevil” title card is in between the center of both covers before cutting to James doing a voice over)

TLOTA (Voice over): For those unaware the “Re-Watch” Factor is when even after seeing the movie in theaters and on DVD, Blu-Ray and Streaming would you see it if you hadn’t seen it after a while and the question you ask yourself is do I want to watch it again? And for me both cuts have it in spades. If I decide to check out the Director’s cut, I want to see the movie shown through the director’s perspective but if I want to see the movie through the editor and producer’s perspective I will check out the Theatrical Cut. But here’s the reason I like both cuts and why they have the “Re-Watch” Factor. It’s not only because of Ben Affleck’s performance of both halves of the coin of Matt Murdoch and Daredevil. It’s not only because they used CGI semi-properly to allow us what it was like to see through the eyes of a blind person but both have the “Re-Watch” Factor because both tell the same story but slightly differently. (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA: So it is a tie for the re-watch factor and no way can I edge out one from another but the total points go to The Director’s cut.

(Show DVD covers of the Director and Theatrical cuts of “Daredevil” and a fourth point mark over the Director’s cut and a one point mark over the Theatrical cut while “Matt Becomes Daredevil” track from the Original Motion Picture Score before cutting to the same type of text used in the ending of “Mallrats” and music “Suzanne” from Weezer playing in the background as images of everyone is seen to show what was going to happen to everyone with “D.A. Rafael Barba is currently institutionalized at the same mental institute Film Brain and The Blockbuster Buster are currently residing at.” “According to HIS Lawyer he should be sane in a few weeks” “James and his brother took Rowdy, Paulo & Rebecca to their first Comic-con in New York as a reward for putting up with James for this long.” “And as far as James is concerned about his neutral attitude towards both the theatrical and director’s cut of “Daredevil” is because neither cut of the movie feels original, in fact the most common negative comment was that it was “A Rip off of the Spider-Man movie directed by Sam Raimi” is something James agrees with.” “However if you’re up for either cut they’re available on DVD & Blu-Ray. Give them a watch and you might find something you like in it.” Before cutting back to James physically)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, That’s my Opinion and the rest of this year we’re going FULL THROTLE!

Should we blame movies for the problems we have?

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it )

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours. I was watching some news recently where Disney's animated movie "Frozen" got criticized for showing men being nice to women (Dramatic music sting) HEAVENS FOREFEND! (Cut to clips of Frozen while James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voice over): Yeah, I do not hate this movie. My nieces love this movie and I do not blame this movie for the men having to apologize for being men. I blame society for making things so hard for guys being guys they need a lawyer to even to say Hello to a woman! But that's not to say I think women are to blame for all of the ills of society. (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA: We as a species need entertainment. But far too often we blame entertainment for when someone goes nuts. But should we blame everything wrong in our lives on the stuff we watch? NO! (Cut to clips of movies and TV Shows while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): The media wants to slam the movies or Television shows we watch or the music we listen to. They never talk about the person if they were mentally ill or felt out of place. This is where I give the series "GLEE" some praise, The concept of the series about outcasts and gave them somewhere they can fit into and something to believe in: HOPE! Just because I don't like so much in entertainment doesn't mean I want to make people pay for it with their lives nor for the most part do I wish anything bad happen to them.  I don't blame my problems on something meant to entertain me and neither should you and now I feel I HAVE to use this quote Randal from "Clerks"

Randal: You want to blame somebody blame yourself! (Continue with Clips of movies and TV Shows while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): I never blame my problems with society on the shows or movies I watch or the music I listen to. I put the blame where it belongs on me. Something we all should do when things go wrong but to blame what we enjoy is something I can never do nor should any one! I can not stress this, I do not blame a movie my nieces love for men not acting manly, I do not blame entertainment in general for problems in the real world and if you're one of those who do blame entertainment for the problems for your life then maybe you need a reality check by kicking back and enjoying a movie, a TV Show or reading a book or listening to a song you enjoy. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And for those who STILL have complains about "Frozen", Well, listen to what she has to say. (Show Lea Michele's version of "Let It Go" from Frozen before cutting back to James)

TLOTA: I had to, she was amazing. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans & That's my opinion.

Affleck and The Worst Movie Ever Made!

Hey guys James here, I wanted to let everyone know that the humor this time around isn't for those under the age of eighteen. I get very disturbingly out there and trust me when I say that viewers discretion is highly, HIGHLY advised!

(James fades to black as Scene cuts to James in the Kitchen and trying to turn on the Keurig hot water device with a Hot Cocoa single serve packet in the device and James looking disheveled and missing the button to turn on the device missing as Paulo Fonseca walks in.)

Paulo: Hey James how are you doing today? Lea called she is concerned about you and wants to know the plans you and her have on the fourteenth? (James turns and growls like Wolverine and slams Paulo onto the fridge and James has Paulo by the throat.)

TLOTA (Sounding like he’s foaming at the mouth): DON’T MENTION THAT DAY! BESIDES I’VE SEEN THE WORST THING I’VE EVER HAD TO SEE! IT WAS SO BAD THAT I HAVE YET TO SLEEP BECAUSE OF IT AND I’M ON THE VERGE OF LOSING IT!

Paulo (Off-Screen): James? (James turns to see Paulo & Rebecca looking in the doorway looking at James in the Kitchen.)

Rebecca: Are you okay? (Cut to James having his hands cupped on the door of the refrigerator with his eyes shifting to the doorway and back to in front of him three times.)

TLOTA: You wouldn’t happen to have a tranquilizer that could take down thirty ton Rhino would ya?

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run and the words Ben to the Ben to the Ben AFFLECK is heard in the background. At the 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators Ben to the Ben is repeated while the image shows Ben Affleck’s face on James Faraci’s body morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with a Black Tee-Shirt with Ben Affleck’s face from “Pearl Harbor” on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher and Ben Affleck’s face in “Daredevil” is on the coin, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers with Ben Affleck’s faces showing Different emotions from different films, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James taking on all of popular culture until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it.)

(Scene changes to James pacing back & forth in his office and then looking at his audience and pressing a button showing quotes from actual movie critics ranging from The Late Great Roger Ebert to Leonard Martin and quotes from people who saw the movie about the movie in question.)

TLOTA: DO I NEED TO SAY ANYTHING ELSE? But since you’re here I guess I can try because to review something THIS horrendous but what can be said. You cannot laugh at a bad joke so many times. You cannot say “That stereotype is insulting” so many times before it loses meaning. So instead of looking at this as a movie, I am instead going to look at this as a Cinematic Suicide Bomber! Something that wants to, feels the need to and deserves to die and take EEEEVERYBODY with it! That way when I find the people who green-lit, produced, wrote & directed this pile of garbage I will feel NO remorse when I pummel them to death with their own intestines! With that said, “Gigli” (Show title scene of “Gigli” and few clips from the movie while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): And there is a reason why this is the movie “Film Brain” has not & probably will never review this ungodly abomination because it is unredeemable. How Affleck had a career after this? I’ll never know but after watching this any career killed by being in a Shia LaBeouf film I’ll never complain about again unless that is the career of the actor was really, really so bad it had be killed by being in a movie starring Shia LaBeouf. (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA: But if you really…REALLY…REEAALLY WANT TO SEE ME REVIEW THIS PILE OF TOXIC WASTE! THIS IS “GIGLI”! SHOOT ME NOW! (A pair of hands holding a gun at James’ right side of the head when the image cut backs to see Rebecca ready to put a bullet into James’ head) HEY Whoa Rebecca! What the hell?

Rebecca: I’m here to put you down like Old Yeller!

TLOTA: Rebecca, I know I shouldn’t say this because this is coming a few days after the anniversary of someone I could call an equal having tried to eat a gun but it was a joke and seeing as how I just said that I am now forced by Internet reviewer union mandate to use this! (Show clip of Mark Hamill as The Joker as he shouts at Harley Quinn “IF YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN THE JOKE THERE IS NO JOKE!” before cutting back to James & Rebecca) There, YOU SEE WHAT YOU DID?!

Rebecca: Sorry but if you had the choice between reviewing “Gigli” and being out of your misery which would you choose?

TLOTA: Good point but I still have to review it.

Rebecca: Okay (Rebecca walks off screen as the movie begins and James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): So our thing begins with our “hero” Larry Gigli played by Affleck talking to the audience and right now I’m two milliseconds into this movie and I hate this thing already. That HAS to be a record! But I digress Larry is ordered by his boss to help a New York Gangster played by PACINO?! ACADEMY AWARD WINNING ACTOR AL PACINO IS IN THIS TURKEY?!  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Un-FUCKING-believable! That just blows my mind about as much as someone trying to slice my head off while looking like one of the members of the Teen Titans! Okay Rebecca if this becomes a running gag in this review I swear to God… (Image cuts back to see Paulo Fonseca dressed as Robin holding The Sword Of Caliverti over his head.) Paulo?

Paulo: Yeah

TLOTA: Why are you dressed as Robin and holding The Sword Of Caliverti?

Paulo: Well, uh you see um… Look over there Lea Michele left her Valentine’s Day present to you in the corner.

TLOTA: Huh? (James turns to the corner as Paulo runs for his life as scene cuts to the movie while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): So yeah after knowing that Pacino being in “Jack & Jill” is actually a step up after knowing he’s in this vat of Toxic Waste. Gigli’s boss orders him to get a brother to a federal prosecutor as when he gets there it’s discovered…Oh God No! (Show The Federal Prosecutor’s brother who happens to be mentally handicapped before cutting back to James taking off his glasses, moving the office chair out of frame and proceeds to bang his head on the wall behind him for fifteen seconds before returning to the movie and James doing the voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): So yeah not content with insulting the regular human race this movie dares to insult the mentally handicapped. DIE MOVIE SCUM DIE! But thankfully the Prosecutor’s brother doesn’t like Gigli as far as he can throw him and Affleck's boss has no faith in him! I WONDER WHY?! So what does Affleck’s boss do he hires help in the form of Ricki played by Jennifer Lopez to help do whatever it takes to help Gigli. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So what is the chance of the two hooking up by the end of this? (Show pic of the two as the word “Lesbian” is under Jennifer Lopez and “Assface” is under Ben Affleck’s face before cutting back to James and his shaking head going slightly up and down.) OKAY, I’m just going to get something! (James walks off and comes back two seconds later with a bottle of Tequila and Coca-Cola.) I don’t normally drink anything this hard but after hearing what their characters were I’ve got no other choice. DOWN THE HATCH BOTH GO! VIVA TEQUILA Y COKA! (James then proceeds to down both drinks before getting back to the movie with James doing a voice over)

TLOTA (Voice Over): So yeah they get the poor guy and hit the road and at one stop we meet a detective played by Christopher Walken. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Well that’s awesome all they have to do to save this movie is to scrap the other characters and plots and focus on him especially after this scene. (Cut to “PIE” scene before cutting back to James physically.) Oh just the idea of Walken being Walken for two hours would be more entertaining. (Cut back to the movie with James doing a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): However we don’t get that. We’re stuck with… (“Bull & Cow Scene” is seen)

Gigli: Lemme tell you something, in every relationship, there's a bull and a cow. It just so happens that in this relationship, right here with me and you, I'm the bull, you're the cow. Alright?

Gigli: [Points to self] Bull. [Points to Ricki] Cow. You got that?

Ricki: Yeah, I got it. Bull, cow. (Cut to James sarcastically laughing until it looks like he is losing his mind and walks out of the office. Cut to Black background and in white text is written FIVE HOURS LATER then cut to James walking into the office covered in blood and emptying a satchel filled with weapons and laughing less strongly as he empties the satchel before regaining some semblance of sanity seeing Paulo & Rebecca on the couch looking at him with a disturbed look on his face.)

TLOTA: Hey guys what’s with the disturbed look on your faces? Am I covered in blood…AGAIN? (Cut to Paulo & Rebecca nodding yes before cutting back to James) How bad? (Cut to television screen with Carey Denise Moore portraying a news reporter.)

News Reporter: And in some bizarre news Internet entertainer James Faraci who also goes by the alias “The Last Of The Americans” is wanted for questioning in the murders of a group of men who think Domestic Abuse and Rape are actually a good thing. Here now is the footage! (Cut to backroom filled with idiots being played by Mark Salling, Darren Criss, Chord Overstreet, Jonathan Groff & Matthew Morrison)

Idiot (Darren): So my girl overcooks my steak and I gave her a love tap. Sure it left a little bruise but nothing to notice and I hear the police at my door saying I beat her.

Idiot (Mark): Hey you did NOTHING wrong. Your woman got out of line and you corrected the bitch.

Idiot (Chord): Exactly the problem I had except she said I “Raped” her. She wanted it.

Idiot (Groff): Which is why we should go to Washington and I say we get these laws about “RESPECTING WOMEN” repealed so we get what we want.

Idiot (Matthew): Because women are what?

All idiots together: Worthless

Idiot (Matthew): So how do we handle them?

All idiots together: CORRECT THE BITCHES! (Door busts open and James is laughing insanely before cutting to James, Paulo & Rebecca reacting to the painful screams and cries for mercy as the idiots are mercilessly killed the idiot played by Matthew Morrison is screaming “ARGH! I’m going in ass first into a meat grinder!” and the idiot played by Chord Overstreet screams “Don’t drop my beautiful and valuable face into the deep fryer!” before a muted scream of pain is heard as James continues to laugh insanely.)

TLOTA: I may have to plead insanity to get out of this one.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro)

(Scene starts with James in his bedroom)

James Faraci: Hey guys James here, I just wanted to say that whole me killing the Rapist and Domestically Abusive men group thing was just fictional. I believe in our judicial system and they will do what is right and there are charities that help those who have been violated by those assholes and you can help. Log on to Patreon and go here: www.patreon.com/RowdyCProductions  and a portion of your funds will go to help the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network which you can go to here: www.rainn.org/support-rainn to help out the organization outright and one charity that helps Rape & Domestic Violence victims is the Joyful Heart Foundation and you can support The Joyful Heart Foundation by going here: http://joyfulheartfoundation.org/ and donate anything you can to help there so again none of what happened was real, it was pure fiction and if I were to do something that bad in real life, I’d be arrested for multiple murder and here’s hoping you enjoy the rest of the review.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the return from commercial break as James is on the phone with his lawyer.)

TLOTA: Okay, okay so I do 500 hours community service and pay a fine and plead guilty to a lesser charge and in one year it’ll be expunged from my record. Excellent. (James shuts off his phone and looks at his audience) So I may have gotten away with something no one should do and I am lucky. But I watched Gigli and somehow that was a credible defense for temporary insanity. Who knew? (Cut to the movie as James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voice over): So after that this study on the waste of having hope in humanity continues as Ricki’s partner decided she’s rather better off being dead than being in this thing and slits her wrists. At the hospital Gigli decides to take a thumb off a corpse. Why? Does anyone sane or sober give a damn at this point? I just want this thing over with! So Pacino comes in and is pissed because he didn’t approve of any of this crap, something I can relate to and Ricki just tries to gives him hell and They drop off the poor schmuck to where “Baywatch” is because he’s freaking obsessed with Baywatch and Gigli decides to give his car to Ricki as the guy eventually is returned to the nut house so he doesn’t hurt anyone and oh just end already. (Show ending scene before using that same type of text used in the ending of “Mallrats” and music “Suzanne” from Weezer playing in the background as images of everyone is seen to show what was going to happen to everyone with “Affleck & Lopez worked on “Jersey Girl” and most of their stuff together ended on the cutting room floor.” “Ben Affleck thanks his lucky stars for having a career after this.” “Paulo & Rebecca was able to help James throughout his 500 hours community service”, “Film Brain eventually reviewed this movie as a crossover with “The Blockbuster Buster” both have been committed and will hopefully return to normal civilization soon.” “James used “Gigli” as a weapon to be used to torment Kim-Jong Un to the point he committed Ja Sai.” Then clips from “Gigli” play as the following sentences are seen underneath “And for good reason. Everything about “Gigli” is wrong and given that James has seen some BAD movies and reviewed some of them so far at least he saw something redemptive in them any little element.” “This has nothing redeeming about it. NOTHING AT ALL! The cast, writing, editing, production, music & direction everything is non redemptive!”” “May “Gigli” BARK IN HELL!” before cutting back to James physically)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and there’s one more movie to go! Heaven help me if it’s worse than Gigli!

The Average Guy in "The Modern Guide to Modern Dating"

(Music in the same vein of Donald Duck's opening theme plays in the background James singing throughout the intro "Who has the Average disposition? One guy that's who. Who never puts in his two cents? Who knows that his world makes sense? Who always lives a normal life? Who always seems to never know what's right? Who tells it true in front of a lie? No one! But The Average Guy!"  as "James Faraci The Last Of The Americans Presents:" is seen then cuts to a picture of James Faraci with a simple smile on James' face and the words "The Average Guy" is below and cuts to the title card of  "The Modern Guide to Modern Dating" then cutting to animation with The Narrator played by Chris Lee Moore doing a voice over)

The Narrator (Voice over): Since the dawn of time immemorial man has wanted to mate with females. In the beginning it was easy for cavemen to look at a mate and clubbing was the only way to go, LITERALLY! But times have changed and since then women have gotten smarter and men have become... (The animated Female clubs the guy) Well suffice to say men have been getting the short end of the stick for centuries! (Animation fades as it cuts to live action where The Average Guy is sitting on his couch feeling sorry for himself eating a box of Quaker Oatmeal Squares cereal while downing a bottle of Ginger Ale while The Narrator continues to do a voice over.)

The Narrator (Voice over): Take for example this poor Average Guy! (The Average Guy Spit takes out his Ginger Ale and the Quaker Oatmeal Squares cereals fly)

The Average Guy: WHAT THE HELL?! Where are you and why are you talking to me?

The Narrator (Off screen): I am The Narrator and I'm going to help you get a date.

The Average Guy: Against my will I suppose.

The Narrator (Off screen): Well I want to show that a guy like you can get a girl like (Show a picture of Lea Michele as The Narrator says her before The Average Guy pushes the picture off screen to the right.)

The Average Guy: Yeah right in my dreams maybe. Attractive people attract Attractive people while Average Guys like me get restraining orders, tazered and hit with mace and pepper spray.

The Narrator (Off screen): Well you can try. Let's start off with the way you approach your attire.

The Average Guy: What's wrong with how I dress?

The Narrator (Off screen): Nothing if you want to portray yourself as a bum!

The Average Guy: HEY!

The Narrator (Off screen): No offense but I took a look inside your closet and HO Boy are you in trouble but let's see if we can get you ready for a night out of speed dating.

The Average Guy: Speed dating? Just throw me into the deep end of the pool infested with sharks why don't ya?

The Narrator (Off screen): Just let's see what you would wear. (Cut to The Average Guy inside the closet)

The Average Guy: HOW THE HELL DID I GET HERE?!

The Narrator (Off screen): A Jump cut but enough of all that show me your finest suit. (The Average Guy dresses up into his finest suit.) Wow, you look too professional. Let's eighty six the tie. (Tie blinks off and The Average Guy jumps in surprise.)

The Average Guy: The tie held the suit together.

The Narrator (Off screen): We need you to look your best but not to look like your going to a job interview. (Cut to inside a hotel dining area that's hosting a Speed Dating event where The Average Guy is sitting at a table.) Now when being approached by someone on this event keep you eyes and your expectations open.

The Average Guy: Would you give me a moment's notice before you jump cut me into someplace I'm not ready for?!

The Narrator (Off screen): No! Now when speed dating there is an X amount of time to deal with a variable amount of women. (A female played by Marita Holm from ChiqueGeeks walks towards the table of The Average Guy.) It is important that you stand up and extend your hand to shake her hand and pull out the chair and introduce yourself with subtlety.

The female: My friends call me Mary.

The Average Guy: Well better having your friends call you Mary than...(Cut to The Average Guy slamming the door to his apartment as he comes back looking like Hell and looking up and around.) THANKS JACKASS! I really needed to get comments like "He'll never look like Leonardo DiCaprio not even with enough Plastic Surgery to make Michael Jackson look normal!" or "Not enough booze on the planet to even give him a chance!" And this one I love "DOUSE ME IN NAPALM!"

The Narrator (Off screen): Well let's see where you went wrong. (Rewinds footage to analyze what went wrong.)

The Narrator (Voice over): Let's start with the fact you started off with a VERY inappropriate joke. (Show clip of The Average guy making a bad joke.) That sent the vibe that you were thrown into a bad situation and everyone there made sure to treat you like you were less than how you wanted to be perceived.

The Average Guy (Voice over): Well excuse me for making a joke about myself besides you threw me into this situation.

The Narrator (Voice over): Well you should've asked what drink SHE would've liked instead of one you would've liked and paid.

The Average Guy (Voice over): I'm sorry Alcohol and I don't mix besides I paid for the drinks.

The Narrator (Voice over): Well that led to no one changing their vibes on you. Besides your eating manners weren't Emily Post!

The Average Guy (Voice over): Give me a break! (Cut to The Average Guy in his apartment.)

The Narrator (Off screen): No way besides we're going to try hitting the Bar scene.

The Average Guy: NO WAY! I'm going to stay right here and Stew over everything that went wrong...(Cut to The Average Guy taking a stool in the bar) And there is no way you can make me... (Looks around to see that he's at a bar.) OH SON OF A...

The Narrator (Off screen): The Bar scene should be at least for every one guy there should be at least four women so you're sure to at least have a 25 % of finding a date.

The Average Guy: But a 75% chance of failure.

The Narrator (Off screen): Well it doesn't hurt to try, so go to it. (The Average Guy puts his drink down and begins to speak before the scene cuts to The Average Guy slamming the door to his apartment as he comes back looking like Hell AGAIN and looking up and around.)

The Average Guy: I really hope your next place has good access to easy medical care because I learned my lesson if I have a 25% of finding a date, I have a 100% chance of getting my ass tazered, Maced & Pepper sprayed and threatened with either restraining orders or death! I'm going to check my e-mail and forget this whole thing ever happened. (The Average Guy takes off his now TWICE wrecked suit and gets back into his average clothes to check his e-mail)

The Narrator (Off screen): You can't give up!

The Average Guy: WATCH ME! Hmm, that's odd an E-Mail from a girl.

The Narrator (Off screen): Are you sure? You know the internet has a good policy on fake people.

The Average Guy: That's true but it's worth a shot.

The Narrator (Off screen): Well if you're going to try...(Singsong): and I think it's a mistake! (Normal): I suggest you set everything up.

The Average Guy: That's what I was going to do! In fact, I'm going to need some advice.

The Narrator (Off screen): Well, I'll call the cops while you make a homemade meal.

The Average Guy: You want me to bring my date here?

The Narrator (Off screen): Well (Cut to see a clean apartment) How about now?

The Average Guy: Nice. Okay let's get going. (Cut to a few hours later as there is a knock on the door.)

The Narrator (Off screen): Now when approaching the situation. You must remain calm and collected, remember she is in your territory, everything you do no matter how insignificant will ultimately reflect on...

The Average Guy: OKAY I GET IT! (The Average Guy opens the door to discover a good looking woman played by Rebecca Fonseca)

The Narrator (Off screen): HELLO! (The Narrator runs ON Screen)

The Narrator: Why should you stay here? I've got the ability to Jump cut us to Paris. What do you say? (The Good looking woman looks at her options and looks at The Narrator)

The Good Looking Woman: I say to you (Pointing to The Average Guy and The Average Guy points to himself with an inquisitive look on his face before cutting back to The Good Looking Woman) Au Revoir! And to you (Pointing The Narrator and The Narrator points to himself with an inquisitive look on his face before cutting back to The Good Looking Woman) You and me off to Gaye Paris, Allons-Y!

(The Narrator walks off screen and the two jump cut out. The Average Guy sighs and looks down and sighs and nods to himself as a woman says off-screen "Excuse me" before cutting to see the woman at the door played by Lea Michele at The Average Guy's apartment door.)

The Woman at the door: I overheard a lot of what was going on and I thought maybe if you had gone through so much maybe I could join you for your meal?

(The Average Guy look at himself as to say "Even I'm not that stupid to say no to a woman who is WILLING to at least talk to me.)

The Average Guy: Come on in.

The Narrator (Off Screen): Well sometimes it just comes down to plain old luck.

The Average Guy: SHUT UP! Next time I find you on screen, I'm kicking your ass!

The Woman at the door (Off screen): Who are you talking to?

The Average Guy: No one just myself.

The Woman at the door (Off screen): And you are?

The Average Guy: I'm The Average Guy and that's who I am.

In Defense of Michael Bay's "Armageddon"

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it then the camera zooms to the backside of the slab with the word editorial on it)

I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own & some of yours and welcome to another edition of "In Defense Of..." (Show pics of maligned pieces of pop culture while the fanfare from the Olympics  play and James comes up after Vanilla Ice slides back and his right hand thumbs up and the words "In Defense Of..."  appear to the left of James then cutting back to James)

TLOTA: Remember in my "Top thirteen vampire films better than "The Twilight Saga" list" that "The Lost Boys" is proof positive that a Blind hunting dog with a missing leg can get it's quarry and get a mate for Joel Schumacher. Well for me personally I've found the movie that is the Blind hunting dog with a missing leg can get it's quarry and get a mate for someone who must never, EVER have anything to do with filmmaking. I am of course talking about Michael Bay. (Cut to images of Michael Bay while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): Now I am fully aware that I will never, EVER defend everything about Michael Bay. As a film maker His films are pretty much formulaic and to say Adult movies have more substance is accurate and if there is a hell you can bet Michael Bay will be going there and be hearing, reading & seeing all the mistakes critics & fans have pointed out in his movies for all eternity! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But if I hate him why is there at least one of his movies that I can tolerate? Well, believe it or not before he was the director EVERYONE loved to see sacrificed to the ancient gods of Cinema he made some decent films. For some people who'll admit they like one movie from Michael Bay it'll be either one of his remakes of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" or "Friday The 13th" or "A Nightmare on Elm Street" or "The Rock" or one of the two "Bad Boys" movies. But me personally the one movie I like from Michael Bay is "Armageddon" (Cut to opening credit to of "Armageddon" while "Don't wanna miss a thing" by Aerosmith plays in the background of clips from "Armageddon" as James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voice over):  Now believe it or not I DIDN'T like it before I saw it but after watching it, I found myself enjoying it but why is that? Well first off, I can say that this was before he decided that angles found in the Adult movie section were great for mainstream movies and before every scene that wasn't using those angles were scenes of everything being blown off the map and there was actual story, characters & reasons for the explosions. There was actual reason as to why this movie is so great let me explain why I like "Armageddon". First off, the cast was amazing, a million times better than "Deep Impact" a movie similar to "Armageddon" I loved about this how Bruce Willis acted in this movie and how Bruce handled things as his character especially when he discovers his daughter played by Liv Tyler having hooked up with Ben Affleck. Trust me when I say the reaction he had was genuine, probably the reaction I'd have. In addition, the humor I felt while unintentional was decent. The fact they casted Steve Buscemi as someone who was a genius who decided to drill for oil because the money was good, the locations change constantly and they allow him to use explosives was a sign the guy's engine wasn't firing on all cylinders. But I have to mention the score by Harry Gregson-Williams & Trevor Rabin was magnificent while Aerosmith's "I don't wanna miss a thing" was a great song for me to listen to I loved the orchestral music more so. Plus Ben Affleck wasn't as bad in this as he was in "Pearl Harbor" let's just say Anything the "Nostalgia Critic" complained about him and Bay in his "Pearl Harbor" review is justified.  But not everything was great about there were signs of what would be how Michael Bay would make movies and what would become formulaic and what would get scrapped. I kid you not the only reason ONLY reason I think Bruce Willis saved Ben Affleck was because Michael Bay said so. The reason things got so bananas in the drilling on the asteroid was because again Michael Bay said so. The reason we needed guns on those Armadillo driving things was because AGAIN Michael Bay said so. But with my gripes about this movie does it make me hate the movie? No! Because while we know how bad Bay got after this movie, to me this was Bay at his best because he was more tempered in how he handled things in movies. I'm not gonna lie and say everything about this movie wasn't schlocky but he put something he didn't in terms of The Transformers movies or any movie he made after this one which was effort in everything he did. If he had put the same effort in the Transformers movies and better casting choices yeah I'm talking about both Shia LaBeouf & Megan Fox his newer movies wouldn't be as hated by everyone. So for this one time I give Michael Bay his due. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and now I have to watch a movie I never thought I would. Pray for me people. Pray for me!

Affleck & The "Mallrats"

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run and the words Ben to the Ben to the Ben AFFLECK is heard in the background. At the 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators Ben to the Ben is repeated while the image shows Ben Affleck’s face on James Faraci’s body morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with a Black Tee-Shirt with Ben Affleck’s face from “Pearl Harbor” on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher and Ben Affleck’s face in “Daredevil” is on the coin, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers with Ben Affleck’s faces showing Different emotions from different films, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James taking on all of popular culture until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it.)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views (Aflac duck quacks “Aflac” off screen) I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The (Aflac duck quacks “Aflac” off screen and James gets slightly angry and says quickly I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours as Aflac duck quacks “Aflac” off screen and James gets up walks off to the right comes back holding 12 gauge semi-auto shotgun and fires three shots and an eight bit duck from “Duck Hunt” falls from the sky and the dog & duck from “Duck Hunt” comes up only for James to shoot the dog with a load of bird shot to the back of the dog’s head.) I guess I know who I’m going to be talking about for the next three months. (Cut to pics and clips of Ben Affleck while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice Over): Because what can be said that hasn’t been said about Ben Affleck. He became a Paparazzi magnet and a double Academy Award winner. He can flourish in movies and can write, direct & act in them and he’s been in so many clunkers it’s a surprise Hollywood hasn’t sent him back to Boston to flip Whoppers at Burger King. He’s beloved and hated by so many and me personally, I’ve got nothing against him but since the advent of the internet a certain motif in his method of acting and I think I’ve got it down to the following: 5% saying his lines with snark and a smile, 5% trying to be charming 20% screaming like Shia LaBeouf when he has a bad day, 30% talking with his jaw jutted down and a whopping 40% being so close to his teeth you feel he’s more likely to eat you with a side of the scenery. But despite that there is nothing like a Ben Affleck performance to make people smile. (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA: And where do some people start their taste for Affleck? Why with his first movie that became a cult classic, I am a course talking about “Mallrats” (Show “Mallrats” opening credit and clips of “Mallrats” while “Build Me Up, Buttercup” by “The Goops” play in the background and James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voice Over): This was Kevin Smith’s second movie and to be honest it shows. The humor is honest, the dialogue is how and what people talked about at that time and it tried to recapture the energy of “Clerks” and be more of an expansion of what has been known as The “View Askewniverse”.  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: What’s the “View Askewniverse” you may ask? To summarize it simply it’s a universe in which writer & director Kevin Smith and his characters and in all of them Brian O’Halloran playing a character with the last name of Hicks try to live a normal life while the world around gives them unbelievable situations like rooftop hockey or knocking over a corpse at a wake or something as extreme as stopping two angels who have been here since the end of the ten plagues of Egypt getting to a rededicated church which used the Plenary Indulgence loophole to negate all existence to having the only two characters which has been in the entire “View Askewniverse” going to Hollywood to stop a movie about them getting made while hitching a ride with four gorgeous international jewel thieves. (Cut to clip of Shannon Elizabeth saying “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Before cutting back to James physically)

TLOTA: Well allow me to give you clarity as to at least a snippet of what that universe entails. Let’s take a look at “Mallrats”. (Cut to opening of the movie while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): So our movie begins with scenes of the Mall while we hear Jason Lee narrate.

Brodie (Voice over): One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck up his ass! True Story! He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrassing for my relatives and all, but next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So, I run into him a week later in the mall and he's buying another cat. And I says to him, "Jesus, Walt! What are you doing? You know you're just gonna get this cat stuck up your ass too. Why don't you knock it off?" And he said to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA (Imitating Jason Lee as Earl Hickey): He was so weird I had to legally change my name and move to California someplace small called Camden County it was there I learned about Karma.(James shakes his head and then goes back to speaking normally.) Okay I’m going to need this! (Pulls out a large container with a stick-it note reading “My Name Is Earl” Jokes and drops a handful of change before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): We then meet T.S. Quint played by Jeremy London and Brandi played by Claire Forlani. T.S. has plans to take Brandi to Florida and propose marriage but her father played by “The Walking Dead” Michael Rooker has asked her to call it quits to T.S. so she can appear on her father’s cheap knock off LAME version of “The Dating Game” because the girl who died in “Clerks”, Julie Dwyer died here as well. Meanwhile Brodie played by Jason Lee and his girlfriend Rene played by Shannon Doherty calls it quits as well when Brodie decides to enjoy his Sega Hockey game over his girlfriend but to be honest if my girlfriend was Shannon Doherty I would rather play with a Sega Genesis than be anywhere near her. Not long after the two dumped schmucks get together to trade Girlfriend breaking up with them stories and decide what to do next.

Brodie: There is something out there that can help ease our simultaneous double loss.

T.S.: Ritual Suicide?

Brodie: No you idiot, The Fucking Mall! (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA (Imitating Jason Lee as Earl Hickey): Besides it’s on my list to help a friend out after breaking up with his girlfriend. (Pulls out a large container with a stick-it note reading “My Name Is Earl” Jokes and drops a handful of change before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): And faster than you can say Snoogans! Brodie & T.S. are at the mall where they meet up with of course Affleck! He plays Shannon Hamilton who judging by how he dresses works at one of those high end men’s clothing shop and acts like it as he is a prick to both T.S. & Brodie! But soon enough Brodie has more important things on his mind like a piece of Metal Staging for Brandi’s dad’s game show and where do they get the information from? By Ethan Suplee whose gag in this picture is to look into a magic eye in order to see a sailboat which throughout the runtime of this picture never does but everyone else around him does.

Willam: I’ve been staring at this thing for a week now from opening till closing and I can’t see a god damn thing and I’m not gonna leave until I see this sailboat everyone keeps talking about.(Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA (Imitating Jason Lee as Earl Hickey): Well Randy don’t stay here too long we might need you to save our backsides as you usually have done so. (Pulls out a large container with a stick-it note reading “My Name Is Earl” Jokes and drops a handful of change before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): After that our intrepid heroes find “View Askew” mainstays Jay played by Jason Mewes & Silent Bob played by the man behind the whole “View Askewniverse” himself Kevin Smith and task the duo to take down the stage any way they can if they can get past LaFours the head of the Security in the Mall. But if it was Paul Blart you can bet your last nickel Jay & Silent Bob would’ve DEMOLISHED it with Paul’s unintentional help. (Cut to James Faraci dressed as Silent Bob, Rebecca Fonseca as Jay behind a green screened pic of a mall)

Jay (Played by Rebecca Fonseca): YO SILENT BOB HURRY YOUR FAT ASS UP! THAT DUMB FUCK MALL COP IS ON OUR ASS! (Cut to see Silent Bob played by James Faraci running past Jay played by Rebecca Fonseca as Jay runs off screen and Paul Blart played by Paulo Fonseca is right behind them.)

Paul Blart (Wheezing and groaning played by Paulo Fonseca): Come back you two hoodlums! (Paul runs off screen and we hear a loud series of bangs and crashes.)

Jay (Off Screen played by Rebecca Fonseca): Dude the Fucker did our job for us! Snoochie Bootchies! (Earl Hickey played by James Faraci walks on screen)

Earl Hickey (played by James Faraci): After Jay & Bob demolished the set with Paul’s help it was smooth sailing for T.S. & Brandi (Pulls out a large container with a stick-it note reading “My Name Is Earl” Jokes and drops a handful of change before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): Not really Jay & Silent Bob have to demolish it while this intelligent Nympho who is fifteen named Tricia needs Silent Bob for research on a book she’s working on. But somewhere along the lines Brodie discovers that one of his Idols Stan “The Man” Lee is at the mall for a signing but not after some good commentary about what my generation was like we discover that Brodie’s Ex is at the mall as well (Cut to see Brodie being his usual self and Rene giving him an earful before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA (Imitating Jason Lee as Earl Hickey): Hmm, must’ve gotten an A in the “How to chew me out after a breakup” course which was being taught by my ex-wife Joy! (Pulls out a large container with a stick-it note reading “My Name Is Earl” Jokes and drops a handful of change before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): So after that Jay & Silent Bob’s first attempt to knock down the stage is thwarted when a kid slides Silent Bob straight into Joey Lauren Adams in a dressing room. But not long after that Brodie & T.S. hear that Stan “The Man” Lee is in town at the Mall for a session to be with his fans. But Brodie has more on his mind than that as he discovers that not long after being dumped, Rene hooks up with Shannon. Not long after that Jay & Silent Bob’s second attempt to take down the game show is thwarted by physics. But after that Brodie decides to go on the attack as he sneaks onto an elevator which Rene is on. The two argue a bit before the two have break up in-bed tango in the elevator. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And after seeing my friend, blood brother & compatriot doing it in a bathtub with a crazy woman last month that’s not as crazy as elevator in bed tango. Why is that? I’ll figure that out while we go to break.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return act to the review)

TLOTA (Voice over): So after that Shannon find Brodie and guess what happens? Shannon drops Brodie like a bad habit. (Show clip of Shannon Hamilton beating up Brodie and getting really close to his face trying to intimidate and threatening him before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA (Imitating Jason Lee as Earl Hickey): I knew if I were to hit back it’d get me into more trouble and besides I knew the power of Karma would come and bite him hard. (Pulls out a large container with a stick-it note reading “My Name Is Earl” Jokes and drops a handful of change before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): After that Jay & Silent Bob nix the idea of taking down the stage but T.S. takes some initiative and confront Brandi’s dad when Brodie drops by and the two are immediately taken away from the mall on Brandi’s Dad’s orders.

Brodie: RENE! GET JAY & SILENT BOB PLEASE! HURRY! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA (Imitating Jason Lee as Earl Hickey): And if you can’t get either of them see if you can get either Randy, Catalina, Joy, one of the kids or Crab man! (Pulls out a large container with a stick-it note reading “My Name Is Earl” Jokes and drops a handful of change before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): And you can tell it’s bad when LaFours has a bag of weed probably bought by (Show clip of LaFours smiling when a clank is heard)

Jay: COME SON OF JOR-EL KNEEL BEFORE ZOD! Snoochie Bootchies (Laughs in a hysterical high pitch)

TLOTA (Voice over): Having been run out it looks like T.S. & Brodie are stuck hiding at a dirt mall and feeling like they’re not going to win and what is T.S. going to do? What he’s done in the majority of the movie complain and cry “Why Me?” that is until they see a topless fortune teller played by Priscilla Barnes. (Show image of “Three’s Company” with John Ritter, Joyce DeWitt & Priscilla Barnes from the Final season and James says “Yes! That Priscilla Barnes” before going back to the movie with James doing a voice over) after getting the advice he needed T.S. goes back to win Brandi’s heart, stop Brandi’s dad from getting the win and at the same time get Brodie to get his head out of his ass and see if Brodie can get Rene back and with Jay & Silent Bob two of the contestants except for the character Gill Hicks played by Brian O’Halloran. Seriously Brian O’Halloran characters in the View Askewniverse has the last name of Hicks what’s up with that? Meanwhile Brodie gets to meet Stan Lee and actually uses the characters he inspired to make Brodie realize what he needs isn’t the Comic Books and Sega, its Rene and now armed with inspiration Brodie joins T.S. in helping him win Brandi while embarrassing Shannon Hamilton as he tries to win Rene back with a video Tricia made involving research for the book. Don’t ask me how that works but it is Showtime as the show goes on and T.S. goes on the attack. (Show clip of the game going from questions being asked to T.S. & Brandi blasting each other before Brodie says what T.S. has been doing all day.)

TLOTA (Voice over): With T.S. & Brandi back together we look at Ethan trying to see the Sailboat everyone else has when the capper comes from one person.

Stan Lee: Oh a sailboat. (Willam roars before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA (Imitating Jason Lee as Earl Hickey): Well at least he took it better than he did when found out Santa was imaginary.(Pulls out a large container with a stick-it note reading “My Name Is Earl” Jokes and drops a handful of change and looks at the jar.)

TLOTA: Hey guys, is this the same jar as the one as I started off with? (Cut to Paulo & Rebecca at the door way into James’ office.)

Paulo: Actually you went past that one a few “My Name Is Earl” Jokes ago, that’s the fifth one! (Cut to James in his office)

TLOTA: The Fifth one?! (Cut to Paulo & Rebecca at the door way into James’ office.)

Rebecca: Yep and Thanks to you and your jokes I can afford a wonderful Honeymoon with Nick and have enough to buy a house in an auction.

Paulo: And there’s enough here for a donation to “The Joyful Heart Foundation” (Cut to James in his office)

TLOTA: Oh…Well I hope Jason Lee will make an equal donation. (Cut to the movie and James doing a voice over)

TLOTA (Voice over): Speaking of Jason Lee’s character. He calls out Rene to let her know he still loves her and Shannon looks to put him into a hole in the ground when…(Show clip of Silent Bob trying to use the force to grab the tape and Willam crying when is he going to see the sailboat and the video gets to Silent Bob’s hand and the video is shown of Shannon and Tricia doing the In-Bed Tango cut to a clip of the eleventh doctor going “YOWZA” before cutting back to the movie)

Jay: Goddamn this is one WACKY game show. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: You ain’t whistling “Dixie” on that one. (Cut to the ending of the movie as James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): So with Shannon being dragged away by the cops for raping a minor and trust me if Sgt. Benson and the crew from the SVU were around they would’ve crucified the guy. (Cut to ending showing what had happened to everyone in the movie before using that same type of text used in the ending of “Mallrats” and music “Suzanne” from Weezer playing in the background as images of everyone is seen to show what was going to happen to everyone with “Jason Lee and Paulo Fonseca donated $4,000.00 to “The Joyful Heart Foundation.”, “Rebecca got that nice house.”, “Rowdy decided to eventually watch “CLERKS: The Animated series” and found material for a great review” with Rowdy looking at the Camera and saying Thanks, “James found the movie an amazing representation of what the early 1990’s were like.” Then clips from “Mallrats” play as the following sentences are seen underneath “James is dead serious about this.” “Were it not for this and Clerks James may have been blissfully ignorant of Independent movies and Kevin Smith and of course Ben Affleck” “If you’re a part of James’ generation you’ll get nostalgic and remember what it was like for you and hopefully make sense of where you once were” before cutting back to James physically)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and our trip through Affleck has just begun. What’s next? (James looks at clipboard, puts it down and bangs his head on the table and precedes to cry.)