The "Spider"'s first bite

(Title card reads on a Black background New Year’s Eve and the clock is counting to midnight from 11:59 starting with ten counting back to one then a crowd shouts “Happy New Year” and Auld Lange Syne is heard in the Background as scene fades to James stumbling into his room after ingesting ten bottles of Martinelli’s Sparkling Non Alcoholic Apple Cider and one partly full bottle in hand with Lea Michele behind him)

TLOTA (Plastered): You know something, I’m glad Ed brought you to me and you know what else I hope Christy & Brandon have a miserable married existence for the next fifty years. (Proceeds to laugh uncontrollably drunk while Lea is looking at James as if she doesn’t want to be there) Say Lea, am I still standing.

Lea Michele: Yes but barely.

TLOTA (Plastered): Okay that’s good (James falls down, bumps his head on the bed and floor as Lea quietly shouts for help. Title Card reads two weeks later as it appears James is coming back into his room)

TLOTA: Whew, that man is barely tolerable, I don’t know how James does it. (James looks at his watch double taps the crystal on it to reveal it’s the Rowdy Reviewer.)

Rowdy: So Lea, any changes? (Cut to Lea using a medical tri-corder trying to use it.)

Lea Michele: Nothing, according to this thing he’s still alive but he’s not comatose.

Rowdy: So what the frack are we to do? (Snaps fingers) Wait a second ORAC! (Rowdy grabs and activates the Sonic Screwdriver next to James’s closet door revealing ORAC)

Lea Michele: Is that ORAC? It’s about the size of a Microwave oven.

Rowdy: This is the main part, James keeps the activation remote card next to… Ah here we are. (Finds activation remote card next to James’ keys to his vault and puts the card into ORAC.) ORAC see if you can use the findings in the Tri-corder to see what’s up with James.

ORAC: According to the data obtained James should be awake in 3, 2, 1. (James groans as the two turn to see James wake up.)

Rowdy: Thank goodness you’re all right James welcome back from the great beyond. (Lea Michele smacks Rowdy in the arm and thinks and quietly apologizes saying “Sorry I forgot”)

TLOTA: I feel like I got hit by the north end of a south bound burro and got kicked in the head by the south end.

Rowdy: Well as long as you’re awake, you’ll be right as rain soon enough.

TLOTA: I appreciate the encouragement but I’ve got a few questions. First off what year is this?

Lea Michele: 2014

TLOTA: 2014?

Rowdy: Yeah and you are a contributor to my site rowdyc.com.

TLOTA: Well, that at least helps so the only other question I have now is, who are you guys? (Rowdy and Lea look at each other and say “Oh Boy!”)

(Music from the last seasons of the Original Run of American Gladiators play Speedy shot of James Faraci breaking through the American Flag, working out, fighting bad cinema, bad pop culture anything bad in the world with a picture of the White House appears in the background as Jack Swagger, Zeb Coulter and President Obama appear in the foreground as all three fall as James Faraci stands alone and tall and in Army text the words of The Last Of The Americans stand by his side)

(Scene cuts to James looking at his own site while Rowdy & Lea sit behind James on his bed)

Lea Michele: Are you sure this will work?

Rowdy: Look according to ORAC he has no memory of the last six years. It might help him out you know kick start his own Swiss cheese memory and fill in the holes quicker than Al, Gushie & Ziggy did for Dr. Sam Beckett. (James chuckles as he reads his own words.)

TLOTA: Is this for real? Let me say this out loud “I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours” do I sound like I need help or what? Oh, I need to use the toilet, I’ll be back. (James walks out to the bathroom)

Lea Michele: So how can we help him now? ORAC any ideas?

ORAC: There is one, one of you must go to the end of the hallway there should be a temperature thermal meter that is hooked up to the water heater/furnace. Flip the bottom switch all the way to the left and the top dial all the way to the right, wait five seconds then enter the door to the left.

Rowdy: I’ll do it.  (Rowdy does what ORAC suggests) So now WHAA…(Echoing scream is barely heard as the door to the left of the thermometer closes as James walks out of the bathroom and back to his room)

TLOTA: Don’t go in there without matches. What happened to that little squirrely guy? Rowdy I think I call him, because I heard this scream as I was relieving myself sounded like someone just disappeared off the face of the earth. (Scene cuts to Rowdy spinning around in a circle eventually getting a glimpse of the TARDIS and E=MC2 and going ooh and getting digital camera to get snapshots then proceeds to scream again until he lands onto the floor face front with Rowdy saying “OW!” and shakes off what happened just to notice a mattress)

Rowdy: How come this mattress isn’t over the landing area ORAC?

ORAC (Audio): Unfortunately there was a misjudgment on my calculations. However the packet you’ll need to find is marked S.R. SPIDER 1-3. Do you see it? (Rowdy looks around to find them)

Rowdy: BINGO! (Rowdy grabs the Packet.) Now to get myself out of here. (Rowdy pulls out communicator) Jeannie. (Rowdy pops out of where he was and pops back to the front door of James’ room) Hey guys I’m back and I’ve got something here to help you out James let’s find out what’s in it. (James grabs the packet to see all three Spider-Man movies directed by Sam Raimi.)

TLOTA: If I’m going see these, I’m going to need assistance. (Scenes of Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man Trilogy plays while James does Audio over the clips) Because if I’m going to talk about these movies I have to know why these movies are the way they are. Are they good movies? Are they bad movies? And why they even deserve to be known. (Scene cuts back to James, Lea & Rowdy in James’ room) But I’m doing them one at a time. So let’s start with the first one. (James grabs the first Spider-Man movie and it hurts him.) Don’t know why that happened? (Scene cuts to inside a school bus as James does a voice over the video) So as the movie begins we meet Mary Jane Watson played by Kirsten Dunst and Peter Parker played by Tobey Maguire and with the exception of Mary Jane, Aunt May played by Rosemary Harris, Uncle Ben played by Cliff Robertson, Harry Osborn played by James Franco & Harry’s dad Norman played by Willem Dafoe everyone around him treats him a lot like garbage even the bus driver to the senior trip is a dick!

Mary Jane: Stop the bus! He’s been chasing us since Woodhaven Boulevard.

TLOTA (voice over the video): But as they make their way to Columbia University Science Department in which they’re working on genetically making Super Spiders. It’s also at the entrance at that department where we meet the Osborns Harry & Norman and their relationship is tumultuous at best. It’s also where Peter meets Norman Osborn for the first time and spills that he’s working on a project. But back with the trip it’s here where Peter gets his DNA mucked around with a spider bite from one of the Super Spiders just as Peter gets some photos of Mary Jane and that night back where he lives with his Aunt May & Uncle Ben his DNA is fused with the Spider’s DNA. Meanwhile at Oscorp Norman and his associate are trying to keep their Government contract but in working on a strength enhancing formula like Captain America’s Super-Soldier formula. However we soon discover that General Slocum doesn’t want to keep working with Oscorp.

General Slocum: Dr. Osborn, I’m going to be frank with you. I never supported your program. We have my predecessor to thank for that.

TLOTA (voice over the video): General Slocum has given a green light to Oscorp’s rival to build a weapon that if is successful in two weeks Oscorp is kaput! So what does Norman do? (Cut to James in his room with Lea & Rowdy where he sets up a multiple choice answer) Does Norman: A) Hire a volunteer. B) Get all the kinks out of the formula but the General being a gigantic D-Bag ends the contract because he is a D-Bag or C) Test it out on himself?

Lea Michele: I’m going with B

Rowdy: Myself as Henry Winkler said it best in Happy Days A!

TLOTA: I’m going with C (Show clip of Norman Osborn preparing to test the formula on himself and proceeds to gain his alter-ego The Green Goblin before cutting back to the three back in James’ room) if you guessed C congratulations you’re as much an idiot as I am.  (Cut back voice over the video)The next day Peter discovers he now has better vision, a set of muscles that could make Arnold Schwarzenegger think is okay and the strength to go with it, he can stick to substances like glue, can shoot webs from his wrists and take down bullies three times his size and is super-fast. Meanwhile Norman has no memory of the events that took place from last night where in my case having Swiss cheese memory of the last six years is a good thing and Norman hears that Dr. Stromm was murdered with the flight suit and glider taken as well. That night Peter decides to use his abilities to make some cash to get a car. How you may ask? By facing off with Bone saw McGraw played by the Late Macho Man Randy Savage but not before getting the phrase Uncle Ben says that’ll haunt Peter for the rest of his existence.

Uncle Ben: With Great Power, Comes Great Responsibility

TLOTA (voice over the video): After Peter gets hot around the collar Ben rides off while Peter goes up against Bone Saw as the man himself BRUCE CAMPBELL introduces…

Bruce Campbell: THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN!

TLOTA (voice over the video): After beating Bone Saw, Peter gets gypped by the promotion and lets the thief get away with taking their money which comes back to bite Peter in the ass as Uncle Ben is murdered by the Thief he let go. (Show UHF Clip of Martial Artist sensei shouting “STUPID! YOU’RE SO STUPID!” with clip of Peter Parker sitting and crying on a roof top as the sensei shouting “YOU’RE SO STUPID!” part of the audio clip before the video plays with James doing voice over.) Meanwhile the Green Goblin strikes against Oscorp’s rival and takes out the Government liaison with one fell kablamo! (Cut to James in his room with Lea & Rowdy) Well at least the Government has a good contract with Stark Industries (Show clip of Iron Man 1 where Tony Stark saying he’s shutting down the Weapons manufacturing division of Stark Industries until further notice then the audio cut back to the three who say “Never mind” then back to the visual of James, Lea & Rowdy.) I don’t know about you but I could take a break.

Lea Michele & Rowdy: Sounds good to me.

(Commercial Sting going out with of the American Gladiators first run's final season's ten seconds theme with James Standing next to Army Text saying The Last Of The Americans. Then same commercial sting takes us back to the review.)

TLOTA (voice over the video): After graduation from High School, Peter mulls the words Uncle Ben said to him last and in a way to ease his own eternal guilt fights crime in his brand spankin’ new professional Spider-Man suit while the debate rages by the public and a voice on the Pro-Spider-Man side is a barely recognizable Lucy “Xena” Lawless. I am dead serious. But all of this attention gets to J. Jonah Jameson the chief of the Daily Bugle played by J.K. Simmons who plans to use him to boost sales by vilifying him.

J. Jonah Jameson: He doesn’t want to be famous, then I’ll make him Infamous.

TLOTA (voice over the video): Peter gets a hold of the story and gets a job being paid freelance photographer salary while Mary Jane tells Peter that she & Harry are dating. Meanwhile the Board of Directors at Oscorp decide to oust Norman and sell the company after a big city festival for reasons. But that sets off Norman to fry the Board at said festival where He & Spider-Man face off for the first time and The Green Goblin attacks and nearly kills Mary Jane as well but Spider-Man saves her for the first time as well. After Peter tries to defend Spider-Man to Jameson guess who comes to interrupts Jameson’s gloating.

Green Goblin: Jameson, You SLIME!

TLOTA (voice over the video): Good grief, did that just come out of his mouth?

Green Goblin: SLEEP!

TLOTA (voice over the video): Oh brother and just as you thought things weren’t ridiculous enough. The Green Goblin smacks Spider-Man upside the head and gives him an opportunity to join him to destroy the city. While Peter mulls the offer Mary Jane is attacked by muggers after an audition and we get the infamous one person upside down the other person right side up kiss.(Cut to James in his room with Lea & Rowdy) Lea you’re a woman, if you kissed a guy while they’re upside down is that crazy or romantically awesome.

Lea Michele: Depends on the situation. (Cut back voice over the video)

TLOTA (voice over the video): At a situation where the Green Goblin set an apartment building on fire. Spider-Man tells The Green Goblin he’s nutty as a nut goodie and slices Spider-Man’s arm the two escape as Norman comes in time for Thanksgiving. After seeing Peter’s wounded arm Norman and the Green Goblin plan to attack Spider-Man where it hurts him the most by scaring Aunt May nearly to death and Kidnapping Mary Jane after it appears that Mary Jane was flirting with Peter behind Harry’s back. So the final confrontation is on as Mary Jane and people in a sky car’s lives are at stake when…

First Citizen: Come on up here, tough guy. I got a little something for you!

Second Citizen: I’ll kick your friggin’ ass!

First Citizen: Leave Spider-Man alone! You’re gonna pick on a guy trying to save a bunch of kids?

Third Citizen: I got something for your ass! You mess with Spidey, You messin’ with New York!

First Citizen: You mess with one of us, you mess with ALL OF US! (Cut to James in his room with Lea & Rowdy looking at James)

TLOTA: It was one of the first Post 9/11 movies set in New York after 9/11. (Both Lea Michele & Rowdy go Oh! Then it cuts back voice over the video): After saving everyone in the sky car and Mary Jane the Green Goblin captures Spider-Man and… (Show scene of Explosion takes off 3/4ths of Spider Man’s mask) The Green Goblin goes on the offensive beating Spider-Man into hamburger when he threatens Mary Jane again Spider-Man FINALLY attacks the Green Goblin and Spider-Man eventually discovers that the Green Goblin is in fact Norman Osborn.  It looks like Norman is trying to ask Peter to help him while setting up the glider to chop him in half when (Show scene of Spider-Man leaping over the glider getting Norman right through the guts and man marbles and show scene of audience of “Hot Shots Part Deux holding their private parts then cuts back to Spider-Man)

Norman Osborn (With voice digitally altered to sound higher as if he did get it in the private parts): Peter? Don’t tell Harry. (Norman Osborn dies there)

TLOTA (voice over the video): At Norman’s funeral, Harry vows to make Spider-Man pay for Norman’s death even though it would’ve taken Peter a minute to tell Harry, The Green Goblin killed your father and he died saving me. But what do I know? Remember Swiss cheese memory.

Peter Parker (Narrating): Whatever life holds in store for me, I will never forget these words “With Great Power comes Great Responsibility” this is my gift, my curse, Who am I? I’m Spider-Man (Show end scene of first Spider-Man movie then cut to James, Lea & Rowdy.)

TLOTA: And that was the First Spider-Man movie and to be honest, what was accomplished outside of telling his origin story? Not much. (Show clips of First Sam Raimi Spider-Man movie while James does voice over the video) But for setting up character arcs that might be addressed in further movies it does a decent job, the effects haven’t aged well, the story outside of setting up Spider-Man’s origin was fairly well done and I’m surprising myself for saying this because the casting was well done especially with Uncle Ben & Aunt May even Norman & Harry Osborn were well cast. But a lot of the dialogue was lame, the jokes were abysmal and maybe it’s me but it’s not the Best Comic Book Adaptation nor is it the worst but it’s not as amazing as everyone makes it out to be.

(Scene cut to James, Lea & Rowdy.)

Rowdy: Well it looks like you’re on your way back. (Rowdy’s phone goes off) One second. Hello (Muted horn play representing other person talking like in a “Peanuts” Special.) Dang it, I got to go, all the pre-recorded episodes I did when I heard about what happened to you are all posted and I got to get back to do my reviews down where I live in the Dallas/Fort Worth/Arlington area of Texas. I mean I agree with you but I found it pretty good and the story for the most part decent. But this is where I hope you can handle the rest of the movies. Good luck and Stay Rowdy My Friend. (Rowdy pops out as James & Lea sit there in surprise)

Lea Michele: Wow, how did he do that?

TLOTA: He has a genie. How did I know that? (Lea Michele grabs Tri-corder, scans James)

Lea Michele ORAC, what’s the latest findings?

ORAC: According to the scanner some of his memories are beginning to return and his brain is integrating the data from the returning memories to what he’s been though for the past six years. He must watch the next movie in Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man movie series to continue the progress.

TLOTA: So what am I waiting for? (James walks over to Spider-Man 2 & grabs it and it hurts him even worse than grabbing the first Spider-Man and he drops it only for Lea Michele to grab it and see the cover.)

TO BE CONTINUED.....

Why do we still watch Christmas Specials?

(Commercial Sting with American Gladiators first run's final season's ten seconds theme with James Standing alongside a Christmas tree to Holiday Text saying The Last of the Americans. While the sound of Jingling bells and the sight of snow falling are covering the sting and a candy cane with the word Editorial is placed on top of it all and scene cuts to James sitting down changing channels looking around to see endless Christmas Specials being played when he notices the people looking at him.)

Oh Hey, I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours. Since it is December, Duh, we're getting our fair share of Christmas Specials and the networks play the ever-living daylights out of them. (Deck The Halls played by Michael Schiciano) But for me that's no surprise, the real surprise is how many adults who don't have kids watch them. I have nieces so technically I shouldn't count myself but I do and so I ask as an adult Why do we still watch Christmas specials? Partly the answer should be that it's there to remind us of our youth when we could watch cartoons on Prime time around this time of year, right? Well with the advent of the internet and Amazon we can get our Christmas specials fix so easily. Another reason I think might be that we need to be reminded why we like Christmas with all the stores trying to herd us in like cattle for their bottom line we need to know that there's more to the holidays like with the story of "A Christmas Carol" Ebenezer Scrooge lost his way because he got caught up with what was his desires and forgot about who was more important him or the world around him and that's why the three spirits were there to A) remind him of who he once was, B) how he became a miserly old jerk and C) what will happen if he keeps acting the way he was before the spirits gave him a kick in the pants. But for those who might need a spiritual reminder of what the Holidays are about that's where Linus' quoting the Bible passage about the birth of Jesus in "A Charlie Brown Christmas Special" shines the best in my opinion. But are there morals in something like "Rudolph" or "Frosty" ? To be honest they're there but it's subtle like with "Rudolph" it's the one that you think should be shunned for being different will be the one to save the day and as for "Frosty" is to believe in something beyond what we know and believe and it's sort of like having to believe in both Santa & Jesus or something will be better. I know I'm stretching my thoughts on this but for all intent & purposes there is no right answer as to why adults with no children still watch Christmas specials, I don't have that answer. But if you're a parent and you watch them with your kids you get to see the same thing they are through their eyes or to be reminded of what your youth was and you can tell what it was like watching it when you were their age and you pass on your memories of your youth. I hope you enjoyed this editorial, I'll see everyone in 2014, now if you'll excuse me, I've got Christmas Specials & Classics to watch (James picks up remote and turns on "You're A Rotten Dirty Bastard" starring The Nostalgia Critic) Well, this one is NOT for the kids but it's a classic very well retold. I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion.

"Yogi" is this a great Christmas Special or what?

(Music from the last seasons of the Original Run of American Gladiators play Speedy shot of James Faraci riding with Santa on his sleigh, throwing snowballs, singing Christmas Carols with The Muppets, baking cookies, Waxing Rudolph’s red nose to add to the brightness and pal around with Frosty before fading away to see a picture of the North Pole Santa Workshop appears in the background as Jesus Christ, Santa Claus and Santa Christ appear in the foreground as all three stand as a Christmas Tree land over them and James Faraci stands alongside the Christmas tree with a smile on his face and in Holiday text the words of The Last Of The Americans stand by his side as Jingling Bells and snow falls in the intro)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are CHRISTMAS! ( Scene speeds up but audio stays at normal speed as James says Christmas repeatedly as fast as he can as he decorates his place before getting back into his seat and shout Christmas one last time.) I love this time of year it’s when guys like us give back something to you without snark, sarcasm or anything to be harsh. (Scene cuts to photo montage of Christmas Specials as “We wish you a Merry Christmas” played by Michael Schiciano play in the background)  It’s time to watch those Christmas classics like Rudolph, Frosty, Santa Claus is coming to town, Muppets Christmas specials and of course the special I’m going to review today “Yogi’s First Christmas”. (Scene cuts to “Yogi’s First Christmas” title card is seen as “It’s that favorite time of the year” instrumental plays and montage of clips from “Yogi’s First Christmas” play) This is one of the first Non Rankin/Bass & Disney classics that I grew up loving and still gets me in the mood for the Holidays. (Cut back to James) Besides I want to review something fun & nostalgic for the holidays. This is “Yogi’s First Christmas” (Cut to opening) So we see Ranger Smith cart with him Huckleberry Hound, Snagglepuss & Augie Doggy & Doggy Daddy up to Jellystone Lodge as they make it to the lodge the gang talk about how sad it is that Yogi & Boo-Boo won’t be able to join them due to the fact that they’re hibernating and how last year’s festivities were jinxed in some weird way.

Ranger Smith: We had enough trouble last year without him.

Doggy Daddy: Ya mean all those scary things that were happening all the time?

Huckleberry Hound: Like that big old Snowball that crashed into the lodge.

Ranger Smith: Yep

Augie Doggy: And stealing the Santa suit from my prize winning Snowman

Ranger Smith: Uh-Huh!

Huckleberry Hound: And like all that howling at night? (Howls) Never did find out who did that.

Ranger Smith:  But if they try any of that scary stuff this year, I’ll know what to do. (Cut to James’ audio over the video)

TLOTA: But we soon meet our villain Herman the Hermit who’s retired from the human world and spills to himself how he’s been doing all the wrong doing and will continue to do so until the mountain is abandoned from other people.

Herman The Hermit: Well this year, I’ll scare them good. (Cut to James’ audio over the video)

TLOTA: We soon meet Chef Otto & the Lodge manager Marty Dingwell who seem to have the weight of the world on their shoulders as Mrs. Throckmorton, the owner of the winter lodge plans to sell the lodge for a freeway because of what Herman did last year and if she is treated well she’ll put the kibosh on the sale. Meanwhile the music finally catches Yogi’s ear and makes his way into the lodge and finds himself in the crosshairs of Chef Otto and the smell of the food makes Yogi hungry. But Chef Otto thinks they’re there to help him in the Kitchen and as you would expect hilarity ensues.

Yogi Bear: One chopped egg coming up! Choppity chop-chop! (Cut to James Faraci)

TLOTA: Well at least he didn’t do it while Chef Gordon Ramsey was there. (Cut to scene of Gordon Ramsey getting angry at Hell’s Kitchen contestant as clip of Yogi saying One Chopped egg coming up! Choppity chop-chop! Then cutting the egg in half splattering the egg everywhere and Gordon Ramsey going after Yogi with a meat cleaver! Scene cuts back to “Yogi’s First Christmas” and James doing audio over video) Eventually Yogi realizes he’s up in time for Christmas and everyone celebrates, except for Ranger Smith & Mr. Dingwell who after this might institutionalize himself after this if he can’t get Yogi & Boo-Boo back into their cave for hibernation. But Yogi & Boo-Boo commandeer a snowplow and the two make a run for it just in time to save Mrs. Throckmorton & her nephew Snively and help them make it to the lodge and to thank Yogi for saving her life she gets the two promoted to bellboys and soon enough the two make more hijinks as they do their job and the activities for a winter carnival. Meanwhile Herman the Hermit tries to salt the ice to ruin the skating but Yogi driving a Zamboni sends the salt on to Herman the Hermit. Meanwhile the ice skating competition is pretty much set in stone as Snively skates circles around the others despite Mrs. Throckmorton’s hopes that he loses all the competitions to learn humility. But fortunately Yogi wins the competition with Mrs. Throckmorton’s ice skates and the next competition is downhill skiing but the competition is not too good and thankfully Yogi’s own hot doggin’ makes Mrs. Throckmorton give Yogi a promotion to Ski instructor and sends Ranger Smith to keep the First Aid station on stand-by. Meanwhile Yogi is given the additional responsibility to help with the Christmas Carol Choir but Mrs. Throckmorton suggest we get more females in there as Boo-Boo gets Cindy Bear to join in the activities. Meanwhile Yogi is teaching Skiing to everyone else just as Ranger Smith and Mrs. Throckmorton make their way to the ski lift Herman sends Ranger Smith on a wild fire goose chase and sabotages the ski lift. But as the lesson goes well as making “Home Alone” 3-5 & yes there is a fifth one, Yogi saves Mrs. Throckmorton yet again. Meanwhile Cindy’s got one thing on her mind, kissing Yogi and something that might make Cindy shout Ho! Ho! Ho! But as Mrs. Throckmorton and the others enjoy Old Faithful Mrs. Throckmorton must make the hardest decision of her life to sell the lodge & promote Yogi to head of security after thwarting another one of Herman’s schemes through the power of COOL RUNNINGS! (Show slightly altered scene as Herman enters the tunnel then a loud crash is heard and the scene of tunnel shake and Audio from Cool Runnings is heard.)

Derice Bannock: Sanka, ya dead?

Sanka Coffie: Yeah mon!

Derice Bannock: Good, You can pee now.

Sanka Coffie: Um, Too late. (Scene cuts back to James Faraci)

TLOTA: What? I found it funny. (Cut to James’ audio over the video) At the last competition of the carnival which just so happens to be an ice fishing contest. Doggy Daddy and Snively seem to be in the lead however I think trying to drown your competition could’ve gotten Snively disqualified had Yogi not saved Doggy Daddy who was warming up in an ice fishing shed and Snively walking into an open ice fishing hole. Snively tried to blame Yogi for nearly freezing to death. But Yogi tells Mrs. Throckmorton what Snively did that makes Mrs. Throckmorton punish Snively but he runs away. Yogi & the gang form a search party while Snively finds himself in Herman the Hermit’s cave and then we get this. (The “Mean, Nasty, Rotten & Cruel” song plays as scenes cuts to James reacting with fear as the scenes in which the fire burns and Herman shouts BAH! And scene cuts to James jump back in his seat. Scene cuts back to Snively as a devil and devils dance in a line and scene cuts to James ducking under his desk as scene returns to the cave and scene cuts to James as he pops up as the song ends and Herman & Snively come for a close up at the end of the song scene cuts to James as the camera zooms to his face which is terrified as the scene with Snively and Herman has an angry look on their face scene cuts to James scared stupid) Okay, This holiday fruitcake is about 12 seconds away from dropping a WHOLE LOTTA COAL into my White Christmas underwear! I’m going to take a break. I’ll be back! (James runs away in fear and Diarrheic sounds from “Dumb & Dumber play in the distant background)

(Commercial Sting with American Gladiators first run's final season's ten seconds theme with James Standing alongside a Christmas tree to Holiday Text saying The Last of the Americans. While the sound of Jingling bells and the sight of snow falling are covering the sting. Cutting away from the review) (Cut to black background and “Merry Christmas to you” intro plays on a Piano and Todd In The Shadows do a voice over as Comic Strip Critic steps into a spotlight)

Todd In The Shadows (V.O.): His music has made prisoners at Guantanamo Bay commit suicide! (Cut to Comic Strip Critic in the spotlight with a microphone)

Comic Strip Critic (Lip-synching as James Faraci sings loudly and way out of tune): Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose. (Piano Music changes to O Holy Night)

Todd In The Shadows (V.O.): Going to his concerts is a violation of the Geneva Convention on Cruel & Unusual punishment (Cut to Comic Strip Critic in the spotlight with a microphone)

Comic Strip Critic (Lip-synching as James Faraci sings loudly and way out of tune): O Holy Night the stars are brightly shining. (Music volume diminishes 95% as voiceover continues)

Todd In The Shadows (V.O.): He is Michael Bolton & now we’re doomed as he butchers Christmas classics in Michael Bolton sings Christmas classics. (Piano Music changes to Silent Night, Holy Night)

Comic Strip Critic (Lip-synching as James Faraci sings loudly and way out of tune): Silent Night, Holy Night, All is calm all is bright (Piano Music changes to The First Noel)

Todd In The Shadows (V.O.): You’ll hear such classic Christmas songs be put through a meat grinder like Jingle Bells, All I want for Christmas is you, Jingle Bell Rock & The First Noel!

Comic Strip Critic (Lip-synching as James Faraci sings loudly and way out of tune): The first noel, the angels did sing. (Cut to cover of CD with Comic Strip Critic and a Microphone and the words Michael Bolton sings Christmas Classics)

Todd In The Shadows (V.O.): And if you order this, not only will we provide you with enough Jack Daniels Whiskey to kill an elephant so you don’t have to live with the shame of buying this musical abomination in addition we’ll throw in Michael McDonald sings Christmas Novelty Songs (Piano plays Grandma got run over by a reindeer as James Faraci looking like Michael McDonald)

James Faraci (sounding like he’s crying as he’s singing like Michael McDonald): Grandma got run over by a reindeer, walking home from our house Christmas Eve. You can say that there’s no such thing as Santa, but as for me and Grandpa we believe! (Piano plays The Night Santa went crazy)

Todd In The Shadows (V.O.): You’ll hear him put enough pain in a Christmas Novelty song to make Darwinists to take a trip off the Empire State Building with his renditions of The Chipmunks Christmas song, Christmas at Ground Zero, I want a hippopotamus for Christmas & The Night Santa went crazy

 James Faraci (sounding like he’s crying as he’s singing like Michael McDonald): The night Santa went crazy. The Night St. Nick went insane! Realized he’d been getting the raw deal, something finally must have snapped in his brain!  (Scene cuts to CD covers of James with the Words Michael McDonald’s Christmas Novelty Songs & Comic Strip Critic and a Microphone and the words Michael Bolton sings Christmas Classics)

Todd In The Shadows (V.O.): You’ll get both CDs and the eternal shame knowing you bought them and you can’t return them along with enough Jack Daniels Whiskey to kill an elephant for the low, low, low price of ten easy payments of Nineteen dollars & ninety nine cents. (Scene cuts to the two doing a duet to Let It Snow)

James Faraci (sounding like he’s crying as he’s singing like Michael McDonald): Oh! The weather outside is frightful!

Comic Strip Critic (Lip-synching as James Faraci sings loudly and way out of tune): But the fire is so delightful and since we’ve got no place to go!

Comic Strip Critic (Lip-synching as James Faraci sings loudly and way out of tune) & James Faraci (sounding like he’s crying as he’s singing like Michael McDonald):  Let it snow, Let it snow, Let it Snow! 

Todd In The Shadows (V.O.): Ugh, Just buy the damned music so they’ll stop torturing me!

(Commercial Sting with American Gladiators first run's final season's ten seconds theme with James Standing alongside a Christmas tree to Holiday Text saying The Last of the Americans. While the sound of Jingling bells and the sight of snow falling are covering the sting returns to the review)

TLOTA: (Audio over video): So after that nightmare fuel haunts you for the rest your days, Snively discovers that Herman was the guy who has been sabotaging the Jellystone Winter Lodge’s Christmas Carnival for the past few years.  (Scene cuts to James Faraci visually) But if I can interject logic into what Herman considers his master plan. If Mrs. Throckmorton sells the Lodge and the land you believe you’re entitled to due to squatter’s rights, they’re going to put a freeway into that area. So you’ll have to deal construction workers paving eight lanes of cement from one point to another through the land you think you’re going to have when you think you’ll have your victory by shutting down the lodge but it’ll last for a micro-fraction of the time you think the victory will be! (Cut back to Audio over video)But I digress, so Augie Doggy & Doggy Daddy find a reindeer even though they’re supposed to be looking for Snively when they stumble upon Snively looking like an elf and Herman the Hermit as Santa and I kid you not Augie Doggy & Doggy Daddy cannot tell it’s Snively even though he sounds like his usual bratty self in that costume! But Augie Doggy & Doggy Daddy direct the duo to the Lodge so the duo can fulfil their plan to take the ornaments and fully ruin the Winter Lodge’s carnival and holiday party. (Clip from “Naked Gun 33& 1/3” in which they all slap themselves on the forehead then returns to the Audio over the video) But THANKFULLY Mr. Dingwell and Ranger Smith aren’t rock stupid, the two recognizes the elf as Snively, alert everyone about what’s going on. Snively & Herman get the ornaments hijack Ranger Smith’s helicopter but as that’s happening Cindy & Boo-Boo who are asleep in the cart find themselves in danger as the cart they’re in while the two are catching 40 winks is over the geyser which by coincidence is when Yogi gets to them but can’t get the cart to move just in time to have Ranger Smith’s stolen helicopter come by for Yogi to grab the helicopter and since the two can’t shake Yogi, Boo-Boo & Cindy off the weight sends them back to the lodge where the three land in a pile of straw and the Helicopter crashes and the ornaments are safe and it appears that Herman is going away for a long time. But for some reason Mrs. Throckmorton decides not to press charges on Herman & again promote Yogi this time to Lodge Manager(Scene cuts to James Faraci visually) You know, I’ve tried to keep the snark to a minimum but Mrs. Throckmorton YOU ARE DUMB! You are making Dixie Carter of TNA Impact Wrestling look competent in comparison and if the stories of how Financially screwed up that company is, I am not surprised that Hulk Hogan quit your company Dixie Carter, there was NO Shock AJ Styles left the company with the Championship because you refused to re-sign him to a real deal Dixie Carter and if you are paying your wrestlers in real American currency, I’ll be the first person to call Ripley’s Believe It Or Not because if you are paying your wrestlers it’s probably in Pesos! (Takes a deep cleansing breath in & out) Now that I got that out of my system, let’s get back to the review. (Cut back to Audio over video) So the night of the party is upon them and Mrs. Throckmorton has Yogi bring in underprivileged kids to the party and has an announcement. She isn’t selling the Lodge but instead donating the Lodge for the housing and caring of the underprivileged. Then amazingly Yogi comes in as Santa and Boo Boo as his helper and as Snively and Herman enjoy such delights as Dried Catfish and berries, Yogi sees the two freezing their butts off and invites them in for food and gives them each presents and the two realize they’ve been going around things the wrong way.

Snively: They’re not Dumb-Dumbs, we are.

TLOTA: (Audio over video): As a matter of fact Cindy gets her Christmas wish come true by getting a kiss from Yogi and as things can’t get more better for everyone. Heeere’s SANTA!  But as the real Santa arrives to give Yogi a Picnic Basket filled with goodies Yogi, Boo-Boo & Cindy fall asleep and what’s the best thing to do take them back to their caves so that they can get back to hibernating and Yogi can enjoy his Christmas gift in April and all ends well. (Scene cuts to James Faraci visually) So that’s “Yogi’s First Christmas” and WOW it is still great to watch. (“It’s that favorite time of the year” instrumental plays and montage of clips from “Yogi’s First Christmas” play) and despite my blow-up over the stupidity the good DEFINITLY outweighs the bad. The story is good, the voice acting in this is amazing, the animation is average Hanna-Barbera 1980’s but surprisingly holds up I can honestly say, this is something everyone should watch. Now if my timing is right, The Rowdy Reviewer and The Comic Strip Critic should be receiving their early Christmas presents right about now. (Scene cuts to the outside of The Rowdy Reviewer’s apartment to see Rowdy open the door to find a package marked “To Rowdy from James”)

Rowdy: Well, this is nice, I wonder what it is? Hopefully not another reminder for that Superman Review. (Rowdy opens the package and reads aloud James’ note & instructions) If you’ve opened this that means you really, REALLY want to do this. Just lift the trigger guard press the button under the guard and hold the button on top for five seconds. Okay. (Rowdy does as the instructions tell him) Now what. (Scene cuts to Cecil Felicitus on Rowdy’s laptop)

Cecil: Hey Rowdy, remember that Asalieri guy who slammed you? (Scene cuts to Rowdy)

Rowdy: He made valid points about me. Yeah, why? (Scene cuts to Cecil)

Cecil: Well I just heard online his place went Kablamo with him inside five seconds ago. (Scene cutting to rowdy looking at the device James got him, seeing the news about Asalieri and putting two & two together)

Rowdy: Thanks James, see you next year! (Scene cuts to The Comic Strip Critic’s place where a package from James with his name on it)

The Comic Strip Critic: Hmm, what’s this and who is this “James Faraci The Last Of The Americans”? (The Comic Strip Critic goes on to Rowdyc.com and sees the intros & teasers to James’ reviews) Oh that guy, wonder what he got me? (Opens package to see the ultimate Calvin & Hobbes collection) Wow, this guy is a man after my own heart. Thanks James, see ya next year! (Scene cuts back to James Faraci)

TLOTA: There’s nothing like giving your loved ones something they want. What? You guys think I’m going to give my fellow site members these (Right hand goes out of frame to grab the Michael Bolton Christmas Classics & Michael McDonald Christmas Novelty songs CDs), I’ve got these for someone special in mind. I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and Happy Holidays.  (Time cuts to a few hours later where James is whistling “Cannonball” by Lea Michele.)

TLOTA: That song is catchy, might just become the song of 2014. Okay, so what’s happening for the next few months? Okay January through March I’ve got Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man trilogy. Don’t know why I’m doing it, but I’d better get a few editorials writ before I do something this epic. (Skype ring) Hello? (Scene cuts to Lea Michele in her trailer)

Lea Michele: Hey James. (Scene cuts James)

TLOTA: Hey, It’s the best looking lady on “Glee” and again I want to apologize for Chris, who knew after five Coca-Colas and a bottle of Martinelli’s Sparkling Non-Alcoholic Apple Cider he’d be hitting on anything in a skirt. Next thing I know Derek Hough is running after Chris with a guitar in hand then Dianna Agron is prepping to Mace him in the eyes and putting a Taser to his pooper and it’s a miracle Dot didn’t body slam him into a trash can. (Scene cuts to Lea Michele in her trailer)

Lea Michele: Look, everything is okay I did damage control and just so you know your friend Chris is one bad incident away from never being allowed anywhere near any of our parties again, but I digress, the reason I called is because there’s a New Year’s Eve soiree and I’d like for you to be my plus one (Scene cuts James)

TLOTA: I’ve got an editorial coming out the 21^st and my schedule is clear for the rest of the month. So sure, yeah I’d like to come. (Scene cuts to Lea Michele in her trailer)

Lea Michele: See you on New Year’s Eve, Happy Holidays. (Scene cuts James)

TLOTA: Oh by the way I think “Cannonball” will be the song of 2014 and “Louder” will be the album of 2014. See you then good looking & Happy Holidays.

Can we get more Thanksgiving specials?

(Commercial Sting with of the American Gladiators first run's final season's ten seconds theme with James Standing next to Army Text saying The Last Of The Americans. Then a rubber stamp stamps over the entire thing the word Editorial with a turkey gobbling in place of the usual thud from the Rubber stamp)

I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. So I'm at the supermarket with my mom getting thanksgiving fixings. (Turkey in the straw plays in the background) You know what I'm talking about, the turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, sweet potatoes, pie crust, green beans, pumpkin in a can, apples, the usual foods we associate with the holiday. But when I got home after putting away all the food, having prepared the menu for cooking and I want to sit down and watch a special on Thanksgiving, I'm inundated with more Christmas ads then I was at the store when they were playing Christmas carols! But that's not to say I hate Christmas, I love Christmas but not while I'm getting the thanksgiving turkey and having said that I've got two little requests. One) Can we please, please, PLEASE wait at least a few days AFTER thanksgiving to promote Christmas and Two) Can we get more Thanksgiving specials? It's not that big a request because quite honestly outside of the fourth of July, veteran's day & all the days celebrating our Armed Forces it's the most American holiday ever as a matter of fact it's the first American Holiday. Celebrated a year after the landed here by the Pilgrims who fled both England and the Dutch the first Thanksgiving was a 3-Day Al Fresco party that was celebrated in late September early October but was nixed the next year due to bad crops & after sending the British packing the 13 colonies got together to celebrate Thanksgiving and while a some of the founding fathers tried to give the holiday it's just due, it was the effort of Sarah Hale who wanted a holiday about home, hearth and food in other words Thanksgiving. In fact Abraham Lincoln got so much that he finally gave Sarah satisfaction and declared the final Thursday in November Thanksgiving until Franklin Delano Roosevelt wanted to widen the Christmas shopping season, yeah even back when F.D.R. was president they were Christmas shopping trigger happy mucked it up but public backlash put it right back and a week or two before Pearl Harbor congress sanctions the last Thursday in November Thanksgiving and it wasn't until a Saturday Evening Post cover by Good Ol' Norman Rockwell to make The turkey the Icon of Thanksgiving. Now you might be wondering how I know that, the answer is simple from a Thanksgiving special episode of Good Eats that aired on the Food Network and outside of The two Thanksgiving specials with Charlie Brown, a few specials that air on the History Channel and an all month glut of specials on both the Food & Cooking Channel we've got zipola in terms Thanksgiving specials or for that matter anything having to do with this holiday and that's a shame because the more we can connect to our past we can make our future better and the best way we can pass down what our forefathers did for us to the next generation and I think that's what Sarah Hale was going for and for her efforts I salute her and it is with that in mind that I beg, plead and cry that for more Thanksgiving specials because if we don't do it for us, then do it for the Next Generation. Well, I hope you enjoyed this editorial and I wish every one a Happy Thanksgiving. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got an Apple Cider Turkey Brine to make. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans & That's my opinion.

J.F.K. 50 years later

(Commercial Sting with of the American Gladiators first run's final season's ten seconds theme with James Standing next to Army Text saying The Last Of The Americans. Then a rubber stamp stamps over the entire thing the word Editorial then a secondary stamp covers both with the words "Special Edition")

I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I'm about to express are controversial, I'm not going to lie, these are my No Holds Barred thoughts on an event that happened nearly 19 years before I was born. In 1963 on November 22 John Fitzgerald Kennedy, The President Of The United States, was on a motorcade ride through Dealey Plaza in the downtown Dallas area of Texas when three shots by a former marine who was known to have both Marxist beliefs and had defected to the Soviet Union named Lee Harvey Oswald killed John Fitzgerald Kennedy. Since then, every nut with an opinion, every person wanting attention saying they know the truth about what happened on that fateful day even though they're going on hearsay and other people's theories have claimed that there was a plot by someone, something to kill John Kennedy. I am going to say the following, to every conspiracist, to every person with footage of the grassy knoll, to every person who believed Oliver Stone's propaganda picture made in 1991 about the assassination of John Kennedy you're all wrong as far as I'm concerned. Because when it comes to this event, I believe in two things and the two things are Facts & The Truth and for myself we'll never fully know either as long as there are more theories, more people with conspiracies, more people making propaganda like 1991's J.F.K. by Oliver Stone. But for my thoughts on everything is simple, Lee Harvey Oswald acted on his own volition and I'm sure my associate Chris Lee Moore, The Rowdy Reviewer who recently talked about this in a two part review he did and is a citizen of the Dallas/Fort Worth/Arlington Texas area are in total agreement in the same Occam's Razor thoughts about this and what is worse is that every conspiracy, every opinion throws a black cloud over the national tragedy that occurred on November 22, 1963 and my parents who were in different places in their lives knew where they were when the news hit. My mom was in school after finishing Gym Class got the news from a teacher who according to her was a strong woman but broke down in tears when J.F.K. was assassinated and my dad was a few months away from being inducted into service when the news hit him. But 50 years later after the event we're still talking about this even to this second means it is still one of the biggest events in American History but we need to let the smoke clear away all the conspiracies in order for us to have both the Truth and the facts on this event. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and I don't need to say anything else.

A "Hornet" gets stung

(Scene begins with TMZ intro and TMZ announcer shouts)

TMZ announcer: IT’S TMZ! YOU WATCH IT, WE’RE COOL AS HARVEY LEVIN AND OUR TEAM OF REPORTERS GIVE ALL THE NEWS TO YOU!

(Scene cuts to Harvey Levin who oddly looks like Matthew Morrison comes in to the shaky frame of the camera)

Harvey Levin: Okay, what do you have for us have, C.J.?

(Camera zooms to a fifth of an inch away from C.J.’s face and C.J. looks like Mark Salling oddly)

C.J.: I’ve got Kim Kardashian, Kanye West & Baby North at the pediatrician’s office! (Camera cuts back to Harvey)

Harvey Levin: They’re being good parents? Bigger than the discovery of fire! Run it as the main headline!  (Scene cuts to TMZ cutaway and announcer)

TMZ announcer: TMZ! WE’RE EDGY AND THAT MAKES US COOL! (Scene cuts back to Harvey)

Harvey Levin: Kim, Kit what do you got for me? (Camera zooms to a fifth of an inch away from Kit’s face who looks oddly like Dianna Agron)

Kit: I’ve got Tom Cruise throwing a Molotov cocktail at a church ranting how their alien ways won’t save them from his lord L. Ron Hubbard!

(Camera zooms back to Harvey)

Harvey Levin: Oh that wacky Tommy, He’s so silly!

(Camera zooms to a fifth of an inch away from Kim’s Face who oddly looks like Heather Morris)

Kim: Apparently Lea Michele has found a new man but he calls himself, “The Last Of The Americans”. So much for what’s his name right!?(Everyone in the bullpen laughs uproariously)

Harvey Levin: “The Last Of The Americans”? Seriously?! How much attention are you looking for yourself to call yourself that? (Everyone laughs uproariously again.) Okay, Uh? How do you pronounce your name? (Camera zooms to James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans ignoring everyone listening to music until Harvey tossed his shoe at James to get his attention.)

TLOTA: I’m sorry, what were you saying? (Camera cuts to Harvey)

Harvey Levin: How do we pronounce your name? (Camera cuts back to James)

TLOTA: Say DaVinci. (Camera cuts to everyone else)

Everyone else: DaVinci! (Camera back to James)

TLOTA: Now spell it. (Camera cuts away to Ralph who looks like Darren Criss)

Ralph: I know, I have the Tom Hanks movie DaVinci!

TLOTA: Good for you Ralphie! Now instead of Da & Vin. Put in Far and an A that makes an Ah sound to the ci that sounds like Chi and that’s how you say my name. (Camera cuts back to Harvey)

Harvey Levin: Cool, why are you ignoring us when we have to do this. (Camera cuts to James)

TLOTA: I don’t mean to ignore you guys but this drowns out the screams of “Oh Satan! Please get your cock out of my ass!” (Camera cuts to everyone else as crickets chirp then cuts to C.J.)

C.J.: Who is saying that? (Camera cuts to James)

TLOTA: Edward R. Murrow!

(Music from the last seasons of the Original Run of American Gladiators play Speedy shot of James Faraci breaking through the American Flag, working out, fighting bad cinema, bad pop culture anything bad in the world with a picture of the White House appears in the background as Jack Swagger, Zeb Coulter and President Obama appear in the foreground as all three fall as James Faraci stands alone and tall and in Army text the words of The Last Of The Americans stand by his side)

(Scene begins as James is reading the TMZ Guideline while wearing Nitrile Gloves and a respirator mask in a Plastic Wrapped Pleather Chair as Harvey walks by then walks back to James’s cubicle with a look of surprise.)

Harvey Levin: Hey James, what’s up with the...stuff you’re wearing? (Cuts to James Faraci taking off his respirator mask to talk to Harvey)

TLOTA: Speaking the plain truth, I am about as comfortable here as Mel Gibson is in a Synagogue. So to clean up my place a little, I washed my Pleather chair in case the guy who was sitting here before me had a contagious disease I might get then triple wrapped it in sterile plastic wrap so I’m triple dog sure I don’t get anything. As for the Nitrile Gloves and respirator mask well, this is a basic “How-To” book for Prostitutes and if I were to touch or breathe on it without this stuff, I might get Chlamydia! (Cut to Harvey laughing)

Harvey Levin: You’re a funny guy James, a funny guy! (Cut to James sitting in his chair throwing the guideline and grumbling nightmare and grabbing his cell phone)

Cell Phone: Please enjoy the music while you’re party is being reached. (“Good Ol’ Boys” Dukes of Hazzard theme and the Rowdy Reviewer answers)

Rowdy (Audio only): Hey James what’s up?

TLOTA: Dude, I’m in the level of Dante’s Inferno where TMZ is and guess who’s there now!

Rowdy (Audio only): Oh boy!

TLOTA: You’re damned right, oh boy! Can Jeannie blink me out of here? (Scene cuts to The Rowdy Reviewer’s hand getting a Coconut filled with a drink then to The Rowdy Reviewer resting in a hammock in board shorts, a Hawaiian shirt and his traditional Brood cap while Farewell to thee on a Ukulele)

Rowdy: I’d like to, but she’s at a genie convention in Las Vegas right now and I’m not going to bother her but before I left I thought I needed a vacation as well so I asked if she could blink me and the Comic Strip Critic to a Hawaiian hotel. You should see him, he’s quite a surfing fool. (Cut back to James stuck at TMZ)

TLOTA: Well is there anything you can do? (Cut back to Rowdy in paradise)

Rowdy: Well my cats have Jeannie’s Genie Convention schedule, I’ll contact them and see when she has a few free minutes to call me and I will try to get her to blink you here! Just hang in there and stay Rowdy my friend. (Rowdy hangs up. Cut to James hanging up then grumbles Stay Rowdy my friend!  Stay Rowdy my friend! While squeezing his cell phone then sighing to calm down. James then looks in the cubicle next to him and noticing a nice and quiet woman working there looking like Lea Michele.)

TLOTA: Hi there, I’m James. (Cut to The Nice and quiet woman waves and tells James her name)

Karen: I’m Karen. (Cut back to James)

TLOTA: Karen, you know if this were something I was working on, I’d introduce myself as such, “I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours.”(Cut Back to Karen)

Karen: You’re the…. (James cuts her off with a shhh! And we get a cut back to James)

TLOTA: No one & I mean NO ONE must know. Look apparently someone found out that a guy named James Faraci ranted online about how bad a news site TMZ is, I told them I was that guy. But someone on research separated me from The Last Of The Americans which was a mistake on their part because had they put James Faraci & The Last Of The Americans not only would I be ruined so would Lea Michele and I couldn’t do that to her. (Sighs) The worst part of this is that after a few hours here, I’m beginning to think that Seth Rogen might do a better job running this hellhole. He might be pretty good at this better than he did in “The Green Hornet” (Scene cuts to Green Hornet opening credit with Al Hirt’s “Green Hornet” theme plays as well as James does a voiceover random scenes from the movie) And as an internet reviewer, I’d never thought I’d say this but “Batman & Robin” is better in comparison, it made me miss the cheesiness of “Superman III”, “Supergirl” & “Superman IV: The Quest For Peace”, “Catwoman” with Halle Berry is tolerable, “Howard The Duck” is an academy award winner in comparison to Seth Rogen’s “Green Hornet”(Scene cuts back to James & Karen) And what’s worse is that Seth Rogen shows he’s not as good as he thinks he is. (Scene cuts to multiple pictures of Seth Rogen in different ways with James doing a voiceover) But that’s not to say he’s a horrible actor and I’m not saying he’s not funny. His comedic shtick is that he’s a loveable loudmouth with a good heart but his head is on backwards and nowhere is it more apparent than in “The Green Hornet” it kind of shows he’s out of place and somehow Dramatic work won’t be coming his way anytime soon especially after this.(Scene cuts back to James & Karen.) But hey maybe I’m being too harsh without giving him a fair shake, maybe he’ll bring his likeability to the role of Britt Reid aka The Green Hornet. (Scene cuts to Seth Rogen as Britt partying it up like a jackass then cuts to Britt Reid screaming about his coffee tasting bad then cuts back to James & Karen.) Karen could you do me a favor when I say pull would you take this Physical representation I have for my hopes that Seth Rogen gives dignity in his performance of Britt Reid and throw it in the air over my right shoulder.

Karen: Okay (Grabs the box that is the Physical Representation of James’s hopes while James goes into his drawer to grab a handgun then James says pull, Karen tosses it into the air James, not even looking shoots it exploding confetti everywhere.)

TLOTA: There goes that. (Bloodcurdling scream and a thud is heard.) And now I apparently killed the announcer.

TMZ Announcer: You’re wrong, I’m immortal, you can cut my head off and I can die that way but you can’t find me so I’m gonna live forever and awesome! (James sighs and places his hand on his forehead)

TLOTA: Fuck me! Let’s just get to Seth Rogen’s “Green Hornet”. (Opening scene of movie plays as James does a voiceover)So as our movie begins we see James Reid played by Tom Wilkinson having to punish his son for getting into a fight. (Scene cuts to James Reid taking the head off of Britt’s Action figure.)

James Reid: Do you think it makes me happy to do this? (Scene cuts back to James)

TLOTA: Well at least its better how my dad punishes me. (Scene cuts to James crying for death as James’ dad complains as to why James will never succeed then cuts back to footage of movie and James does a voiceover) We cut to present day L.A. where Britt, now grown up and played by Seth Rogen is living it up and acting like a jackass and apparently daddy isn’t happy about the way he’s acting. But thankfully Daddy’s disapproving ways ends with a deadly bee sting leaving Britt in charge and it’s here that we meet Kato played Jay Chou, Wait who? (Record scratches & scene cuts to James on his computer looking up all the Martial Arts masters and finds squat on Jay Chou) Hey Karen you got anything on Jay Chou on the realm of the Martial Arts masters on the internet? (Cut to Karen)

Karen: Nothing, but according to his Imdb he’s a musician. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: A Musician? (Cut to Karen nodding affirmatively then cut back to James) Not a martial artist but a musical artist who makes records. (Cut to Karen nodding affirmatively then cut back to James) Good grief! Maybe he trained for the role. (Scene cuts to crappy effects filled fight as Kato beat up thugs then cuts to James rubbing his forehead to alleviate the headache he has.) Okay Seth, no sarcasm, no snark, no anger, no cynicism. Was it hard to find a Martial Artist who had any acting ability and say “Would you like to play Kato in The Green Hornet movie with me?” Was the budget for Kato’s actor pay so low you couldn’t afford a big name Martial Artist actor, because let me tell you there are Martial Artist actors who would’ve given their Eye Teeth just to play Kato. The reason the 1960’s series was popular over in Asia was because of Bruce Lee, it kick started his career as an Action Martial Artist actor, as a matter of fact the Asians gave that series the nickname “The Kato Show” because of Bruce Lee and just so everyone knows who I would’ve wanted to play The Green Hornet & Kato it would’ve been Gerard Butler as The Green Hornet & Johnny Yong Bosch as Kato. But I digress.  The two talk about how big a D-Bag James Reid was and get dressed up in what I have to assume is the Mark One costumes of the Duo they’d later be and cut the head off of his Dad’s statue and as in most superhero movies a Damsel in Distress is getting attacked which convinces Britt & Kato to become Superheroes that act like the bad guys and they will use The Daily Sentinel to promote their antics. (James gets cut off by Harvey Levin)

Harvey Levin (Off Camera): Story Time!

TLOTA: Speaking of using the press to promote someone’s stupidity!  (Scene cuts to TMZ Logo and TMZ announcer shouts)

TMZ announcer: TMZ! WE ARE THE ONLY NEWS SHOW TO WATCH!

(Scene cuts to Harvey Levin who comes in to the shaky frame of the camera)

Harvey Levin: Okay people what do you have? (Camera zooms to Barbara who looks like Naya Rivera)

Barbara: I’ve got Shia LaBeouf and his dad hanging out as Shia LaBeouf awaits his appeal from being locked up for life at San Quentin. (Everyone Oohs as camera zooms to Harvey Levin)

Harvey Levin: This is bigger than the World Trade Center attack, front page! James you got anything? (Camera zooms to James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans)

TLOTA: Well, the latest amount of people who came on the healthcare.gov is over 106,000 well under President Obama’s estimate and from what I’ve heard over five million Americans are now without medical insurance. This is a frickin’ fiasco and instead of President Obama admitting he screwed up and ending this, he’s keeping this façade that everything is amazing and the website is working. He is taking our country down the toilet. (Crickets chirp as everyone sits there as James stands there waiting for any acknowledgement) What? It’s better than having to hear Walter Cronkite giving Lucifer a blowjob. (Crickets continue to chirp) Forget it, I’m going back to my cubicle and getting work done at least that’s productive!

(Commercial Sting going out with of the American Gladiators first run's final season's ten seconds theme with James Standing next to Army Text saying The Last Of The Americans. Then same commercial sting takes us back to the review.)

(Scene of Christoph Waltz sitting with James Franco while James Faraci does a voice over)

TLOTA: In the middle of this the lead bad guy in this played by Christoph Waltz who is named (Christoph Waltz says Chudnofsky then cuts to James Faraci sitting there with a confused look on his face and then cuts back to Christoph Waltz sitting forward as he uses the syllables to pronounce it Chud-Nof-Sky then cuts back to James Faraci mouthing Chudnofsky and got it and proceeds to continue on with voice over on clips) Chudnofsky. He’s been in control of the criminal activity in Los Angeles and after being insulted by James Franco decides to pull out a double barreled handgun! (Cut to James Faraci sitting there) To be honest that thing is Frickin’ awesome! (Cut back to clips and James Faraci doing the voice over) finds himself in the middle of a mid-life crisis wondering how he could be more threatening. But enough of the only good character, we’ve got to deal with the two jack-asses as Britt does Jack & Shit and Jack left town eons ago while Pseudo-Kato does all the work including building a fleet of the only other cool thing in this hunk of shit, The Black Beauty an indestructible car with enough ammo to give any action star who has wielded a bad ass gun a case of low self-esteem. But as our “Heroes” and I use the term loosely find themselves in competition over Cameron Diaz, Chudnofsky discovers that everything he’s built up is being demolished by The Green Hornet and Kato so he decides to facilitate a meeting which turns out to be a trap to kill the numbskulls. Kato worried for his existence decides to tell Britt that he’s been doing the naughty, naughty with Cameron Diaz and gets himself fired but in the process gets Cameron Diaz fired as well. (Cut to James sitting in his cubicle) Okay. Let me point something out, if Kato was having second thoughts why not tell Britt that they’re getting in over their heads maybe they could’ve worked something out, but no, Kato lies to Britt, Britt is an unbearable jack-ass. This is the first time where my support goes to Chudnofsky and at least Christoph Waltz can forget that he was in this when he wins the academy award twice thanks to Tarantino. But back to the review. (Cut back to clips and James Faraci doing the voice over) I’m going to get to the ending of this quickly. So Britt starts to put the pieces of the puzzle together, Chudnofsky decides to upgrade himself to Bloodnofsky, Kato gets an e-mail for the Green Hornet to kill Britt, Britt puts together that the DA & Bloodnofsky are in it together and the DA is the one who killed James Reid & Kato saves Britt. The two get the DA on a USB flash drive spilling the beans on what he wants and the connection, the two get to The Daily Sentinel, cleave the Black Beauty in half, find out that the USB flash drive is about as empty as Britt’s head, The Green Hornet gets Kato’s Fighting sense which was established at their first battle together, kill Bloodnofsky & the DA, Kato & Cameron Diaz help keep Britt’s secret as the Green Hornet a secret from everyone by having Kato shoot a blank into an already wounded Britt Reid, the two fix James Reid’s statue and that’s it. That is how THE worst Comic Book adaptation ends, not with a bang, a whimper or a shrug. (Al Hirt’s Green Hornet plays over clips as James does voice over summation.) At least with “Batman & Robin”, "Superman III", "Supergirl"&"Superman IV The Quest For Peace" you know you’re going into a bad movie but after watching The Green Hornet you’ll understand how enjoyable these movies are. (Scene cuts back to James in his cubicle) At times like this, I wonder what someone with talent would’ve done with this, like I don’t know maybe Kevin Smith of “Clerks” & “Dogma” fame. (Karen with an audio cut off from James says hey then cuts to Karen)

Karen: Kevin Smith of “Clerks” & “Dogma” is on line 2. (Cut back to James with a surprised look on his face.)

TLOTA: Ask & ye shall receive. (Connects to line 2) Hello Mr. Smith, I’m James Faraci, I’m a big fan of yours and (silence for five seconds) really, Harley discovered my reviews, found out I’m doing a review of “The Green Hornet” wait what? (Silence for five seconds) You were going to direct “The Green Hornet” as a follow up to the series starring Van Williams & in which The Green Hornet dies and Kato trains both Britt Reid Jr. to follow in his dad’s footsteps and Kato’s Daughter would be the next Kato & your choices for them was Jake Gyllenhall & Zhang Ziyi? Why didn’t you do it? (Silence for five seconds) It wasn’t worth your artistic vision and soul. (Silence for five seconds) Okay, thanks, have a nice day. (Hangs up the phone and looks at the notes as Harvey Levin walks by James’s Cubicle)

Harvey Levin: What you got there, James. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Hmm? Oh hey, got off the phone with one of the greatest directors who never won an Academy Award, Kevin Smith & how not doing the Green Hornet saved his creative soul. (Cut to Harvey Levin)

Harvey Levin: Mind if I run this by the next story get together? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Yeah, but on one condition, you have to be honest about the story ONE HUNDRED PERCENT! (Cut to Harvey Levin)

Harvey Levin: Okay.

(Scene cuts to TMZ Logo and TMZ announcer shouts)

TMZ announcer: NEXT TMZ! KEVIN SMITH TELLS SETH ROGEN HOW HE RUINED HIS GREEN HORNET MOVIE, SETH GOT STUNG BY SILENT BOB!

(Scene cuts to Harvey Levin who comes in to the shaky frame of the camera)

Harvey Levin: Okay after Blubber boy Kevin Smith talked to Seth Rogen on Zack & Miri about the Green Hornet, Seth Rogen gets the Green Hornet and butt hurts it but what was Kevin Smith going to do put Jay & Silent Bob in it? What a hack! (Everyone begins laughing as James begins to get angry and slams his fist into a wall making a gigantic crater as James shakes off the Drywall dust from his hand as camera cut to James)

TLOTA: I apologize for the hole in the wall but Kevin Smith is NOT a hack! He walked away from “The Green Hornet” because he thought it was a bad idea and unknowingly saved himself his artistic vision & his soul.(Al Hirt’s Green Hornet plays over clips as James does voice over) Because under Seth Rogen's vision "The Green Hornet" got stung and it's not hard to see why. The heroes are lame, The Plot is Swiss Cheese & outside of Cameron Diaz, Edward James Olmos & Christoph Waltz there is not one good performance in what is without argument THE worst Comic Book adaptation of a movie EVER! (Scene cuts back to James at the TMZ Bullpen) Besides Kevin Smith is one of the best directors to have never won an academy award. He made what I think are the best “Slice Of Life” movies with movies like “Clerks”, “Mallrats”, “Chasing Amy”, “Clerks II”, “Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back” and one of my favorite movies “Dogma” and I loved the moment the characters played by Ben Affleck & Matt Damon are basically telling the board members their sins they’ve done in their personal life and I’d like to recreate that moment right now & right here starting off with you there Barbara (Camera zooms to Barbara as James does a voice over while walking towards her and the camera) you said that your niece’s grandchildren were going to wind up on welfare because her son is a loser. Well, Barb, that guy cleaned up his act, is now working as a contractor and is an aware and loving parent with their mom in the picture as well so how wrong were you and by the by, those grandchildren of your niece’s is doing really well in school! C.J. (Camera zooms to C.J. as James does a voice over while walking towards him and the camera) you got your niece’s friend pregnant and although you did the right thing your wife was so unfaithful you left her and again the right thing but you lost the house your mom left you because you refused to pay the county. (Camera zooms over to Kim & Kit) KIT! You disowned your sister because you thought she did the wrong thing to help take care of your mother who died in 2009 from Dementia & Alzheimer’s even though neither you nor your sister had the capacity to take care of her professionally like they could at a professional home. A very compassionate bitch, you are KIT! KIMMY! Married a redneck jackass who beat not only you and your three children, he left you, you married a firefighter but got hooked on making Crystal Meth and you’re now facing jail time! Op! The surfer dude over there who we don’t know who he is but looks like Chord Overstreet flew to Bangkok on the company account to make sweet love to an eleven year old BOY! Ralph, went to Staples, saw his niece there, and gave her the sideways stink-eye glance because SURVEY SAYS! You were being a douche and still remain one today. However you Karen, are an innocent, you live a good life (James gives Karen the Thumbs Up) you rock Karen. But you Harvey commit more sins in one micro-second then every prostitute on the whole planet do in a day. If I were to say any one of them out loud, it’d only expedite my one way ticket to hell. (Whispers into Harvey’s ear as his eyes expand then Harvey begins to cry) Someone else is claiming to be the father, YOU SICK FUCK! Well, I guess that’s it and with the exception of Karen here, there is not a damned soul to be saved here, NOT A GOD DAMNED ONE! You know what makes a soul good? Fear, therein lies the problem, you don’t fear a thing, you rest comfortably in seats of power hiding behind your symbol which is your idol, your lives shrouded in secret even from yourselves but not from God. Oops, forgot something, a voodoo doll that is carved from an onion which I so happen to have and you know it sort of looks like you Harvey and you know, if I focused all my energy into this, I wonder… I wonder (James begins to do a low hum which gets lower & louder with each passing second until he yells and Harvey ducks! A cell phone ringing “Go Go Power Rangers” by Ron Wasserman plays) my cell phone, one moment. Hello. (Scene cuts to The Rowdy Reviewer in a Hammock)

Rowdy: I got a hold of my cats, Jeannie is available for the next five minutes, you just about done? (Scene cuts to James)

TLOTA: Just about, I’ll see you soon. (Scene cuts to Rowdy)

Rowdy: Excellent, Stay Rowdy my friend. (Scene cuts to James as he puts the Cellphone into his pocket as Harvey asks who that was as James turns to head down the hall)

TLOTA: That was a friend of mine who has equal disdain to your existence. He believes you guys are the lowest form of journalism and he should know his degree is in journalism. Excuse me. (James walks down the hall to his cubicle as Harvey and everyone else look around at each other as James walks back the camera zooms to James) BUT I DO BELIEVE IN THIS! (James pulls out Chudnofsky’s double barreled Handgun as the Camera begins to run away from James as James pulls the trigger and James shouts off screen “Don’t Run! Don’t Run! FAKES! FAKES, ALL OF YOU FAKES! OH & YOU…” while people scream in fear and gunshots are flying. Scene cuts to Rowdy on his Hammock overhearing James shout “Kim Kardashian! Who gives a flying…!”)

Rowdy: “I do believe in this!” What the frack does that mean? (Rowdy takes a sip from his coconut as James shoots some more and shouts “AND ONE TO GROW ON!” as the scene cuts to the TMZ logo covered in blood and Harvey Levin’s head comes off and falls off the TMZ Logo.  Scene cuts to James picking up Karen and then cuts to James reaching into his pocket)

TLOTA: Gum? (Scene cuts to Karen cautiously taking the gum then back to James) Go on take it. You’ve done nothing wrong, the rest of these assholes, they’re all fakes and you’re a good soul so much so if you’re ever in Sullivan County area of New York, looking for a job in journalism you can’t go wrong with The Townsman, I know the people who run the publication, you’ve got a shoe-in recommendation, however I might not because of one little thing you did. (Scene cuts to Karen looking nervous as the scene cuts back to James) if you need to know, you forgot to say god bless you when I sneezed! (James pulls out the double barreled handgun, scene cuts to Karen screaming in fear as scene cuts back to James hearing from Rowdy shout out James! From James’ cell phone) you’re getting off light! (Rowdy shouts James! Again from James’ cell phone) I know, I’m going! (Mutters Jesus what a way to end a review then shouts quickly in anger) I’M JAMES FARACI THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS & THAT’S MY OPINION! (James walks off camera as Karen looks around and sees him in the distance as he shouts “Your ass is so fucking lucky!”)