(The Scene begins as James is dressed as Bob Ross, permed afro and all, in an exact recreation of the set of “The Joy Of Painting,” and Nick Lopez is at one canvas and James at the one on the left)
Ross (TLOTA):
Hi, I’m glad that you came, and welcome to another edition of “The Joy Of Painting.” I have a surprise: I have two pre-stretched canvases, both of which have been covered with a good coat of liquid white and a clear coat. I love me some liquid white and liquid clear, and I made one happy little accident by forgetting to introduce my friend Nick. Now I love a challenge, and I thought it would be fun to show if Nick here can keep up with me
Nick Lopez:
I am ready to keep up.
Ross (TLOTA):
Alright, now let’s have them run all the colors we’re going to be using [The colors’ names are shown as James paints, and a secondary message saying, “What Nick doesn’t know is that Bob is painting another painting altogether!”] We’ll be painting with today, and we will be starting off with a touch of Phthalo Blue, and we’re going to mix in some Prussian Blue, and that will be great to make a beautiful fall blue sky! (Cut to James as he mixes and then paints the sky on the canvas on the left. Cut to Nick as he paints the sky. Cut to James.) How are you doing? (Cut to Nick as he just finished painting the sky.)
Nick Lopez:
It is coming along well; if you'd like to clean the brushes. (Cut to the two as they wash their brushes.)
Ross (TLOTA) [Voiceover]:
Absolutely, let’s clean them with the odorless remover! (Cut to the two as James laughs)
Ross (TLOTA):
(Chuckles) And just beat the devil out of it! Now let’s mix some Sap Green with some Cad Yellow and some alizarin crimson, and Van Dyke Brown for the happy trees, and of course, mighty mountains made from Prussian Blue, Midnight black, and Dark Sienna. And of course, for the right mix of Titanium White and a little bit of light red for that bit of snow to go on the mountains. (Cut to the two as they paint) Now you’re wondering why I’m mixing ahead of time, it’s well because we need the time to compare. (Cut to Nick as he paints.)
Nick Lopez:
It looks like it is coming together. Should we mix a little bit of Titanium White and Dark Sienna and a touch of Van Dyke Brown... (Cut to James)
Ross (TLOTA):
For a nice little Barn or Cabin? I like that! (James cleans off the brush, and Nick Lopez jumps back.)
Nick Lopez:
Let me know when you’re cleaning up your brush; otherwise, you will have a “Happy Little Accident!” (Cut to James)
Ross (TLOTA):
(Chuckles) Sorry about that. At least you know what the crew goes through when I clean it. That’s why I pay for rain slickers! Remember, this painting is your world and every decision changes it. (Cut to Nick as he completes a beautiful Bob Ross outdoor painting.)
Nick Lopez:
What do you think? (Cut to James as he turns his painting over.)
Ross (TLOTA):
It looks fantastic, so does mine! (Cut to Nick Lopez and is shocked to see a happy family having Thanksgiving together.)
Nick Lopez:
DUDE?! WHAT THE...? (Cut to James as he addresses the audience.)
Ross (TLOTA):
Well, it was a double challenge. (In the background, Nick Lopez drops his painter’s palette and tools in anger, removes the painting he did, and folds up the easel.) I wanted to see if I could do more than just the happy little clouds, the beautiful mountains, and the happy little trees I’ve been known for, and to see if someone like you could keep pace. (In the background, Nick Lopez begins to run up to “Ross”) So from all of us I wish you all happy paintings and God Bless my Frie.... (The Scene ends with a “THWACK!” Onomatopoeia and multiple colors of red, brown, orange, and green are seen for two seconds. The scene cuts to a smartwatch screen and a finger as it taps the screen, and the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand as it taps an app on his phone it opening a portal.)
(It cuts to James and the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun and the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces. The credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca and Nick Yaun” are shown then slides away to different images of Doug Yaun and Crosslyn Castillo, Nick Lopez and Jessica Lopez-Barkl and the characters they’ve played, until it cuts to their faces.)
(After that, the credits “Doug Yaun and Crosslyn Castillo, Nick Lopez and Jessica Lopez-Barkl” are shown, as it then slides away to different images of Andrew Beach Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath. Following this, the credits of “Andrew Beach, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” are shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays.)
(Everything becomes a swirl of reds, whites, and blues, as the credits “Produced by First Choice Entertainment Productions in association with Manic-Expression.com"; “Executive Producers: James Faraci, Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Olivia Horvath”; “Editing by Eric Kurtzke and James Faraci”; “Written and Directed by James Faraci” are shown, as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays.)
(We then see an image of James as he jumps through the portal and lands with half of his team on his right. The other half on his left is on a black background. Finally, the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays.)
(Cut to James hours later as he recovers from the attack and Steve Kidd is there to chide James)
Steve Kidd:
Dude, I told you not to do the “Joy Of Painting: Bob Ross sketch” or at least have someone who could do it better than yourself and what about this month’s Thanksgiving cooking review!
TLOTA:
I needed to inject some humor back into the reviews. Besides, I haven’t been in the new Kitchen since the move. Having just signed the lease at the end of August for the place, I then had to complete the September workload in three days, and then returned days ago from my adventure in Triple Crest.
Steve Kidd:
Then let’s go in and check it out! (The two open the door to the kitchen as they see an electric oven with an electric stovetop, a separate stovetop that cooks with induction, a refrigerator and freezer, and equipment strategically straight out of a restaurant.)
TLOTA and Steve Kidd (In Unison):
Whoa! (The sound of the door opens as it cuts to Rebecca and Nick Yaun, Olivia, and Crosslyn Castillo as they drop off the groceries. Cut to James and Steve.) Guys, this kitchen is fantastic! (Cut to Rebecca as she puts the food in the refrigerator.)
Rebecca Yaun:
That was our reaction when we first saw this kitchen as well. But we know we will cook amazing dishes for our Thanksgiving, especially when we do a Thanksgiving Live with others from Manic-Expression.com while you talk about the Food Network Thanksgiving Live. (Cut to James as he says, “Um.” Cut to Olivia)
Olivia Horvath:
Don’t tell me no one else signed on, and you couldn’t get enough footage from the Food Network Thanksgiving live shows? (Cut to James as he nods yes in fear. Cut to Rebecca and Nick Yaun, and Olivia as they shout sentences like “I don’t believe this!” and “How could you make a mistake like this?” etc. Cut to James as he and Steve stand there, and James gets loud enough as he says “STOP!” and everyone goes quiet. Cut to James and Steve.)
TLOTA:
Fortunately, I have my backup plan!
Steve Kidd:
Alton Brown?
TLOTA:
You know me well enough. (Cut to still images of Alton Brown and “Good Eats” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Yep, we’re going back to the well of Alton Brown again, and why not? This man mixed Julia Child, Mr. Wizard, and Monty Python into one of the most remembered cooking shows of all time, “Good Eats.” However, after the first season’s final episode, the original “Art Of Darkness” episode, he was worried that the show wouldn’t be on for long after. Thankfully, he decided to film a Thanksgiving special that saved the series, and the Food Network was keen on Alton Brown and kept the series going. And although he has done more with Thanksgiving and worked with others from the Food Network for several years on Thanksgiving specials. Now I would talk about those except for the fact that A) We went over the original special, the sequel and two of the other specials involving Turkey with Alton Brown and B) The original plan of finding “Food Network Thanksgiving Live” and getting together with my fellow Manic-Expression.com members to do our own Thanksgiving Live experience, didn’t work out the way I had planned! (Cut to James and the Team and Steve Kidd in the kitchen.)
TLOTA:
So today we’re doing Plan B. The team and I are going to cook our own sides while I discuss the last Turkey Recipes Alton had filmed, including all the side dishes and the ingredients that go into them. That being said, I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, the views I’m about to express are those of my own and some of yours. Let’s start our Alton Brown Turkey Odyssey with “The Turkey Strikes Back...Again!” (Cut to “The Turkey Strikes Back...Again!” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The special opens with Alton wanting to talk to us about Turkey, and we flashback to our nostalgia until we hear that we need to try other recipes that don’t involve roasting the bird whole. After the opening, we’re introduced to the three sub-primal pieces we’re going to talk about. The thighs, The Legs, and the Turkey Breast, oh, by the way, when this episode aired originally, I was on what was then Twitter, and I had to ask about the female butcher: was she his actual daughter, or was she an actress? We then find ourselves in Scotland as Alton talks about Tikka Masala with Simon Majumdar. We then go to the recipe for Turkey Tikka Masala. (Cut to James and everyone as they start the recipe)
TLOTA:
And now we make our own version with a bit more of a Wallop that Simon Majumdar might want. I got a few more Thai Chilies to add and a ghost pepper. (Rowdy blinks in)
Rowdy:
It’s about time I got here, thanks for leaving the forwarding address to your new place! (Jessica Lopez-Barkl, Nick Lopez, and Crosslyn Castillo jump back and scream.)
TLOTA:
Oh, hey Rowdy, would you do me a favor and find this man? (James walks away briefly with a picture of Simon Majumdar and his name.)
Rowdy:
Okay! (Rowdy blinks out, and James gets back to cooking)
TLOTA:
Oh, that was Rowdy. He has a Genie named Jeannie that allows him to blink in and out. (Jessica Lopez-Barkl and Nick Lopez think that James is nuts, and Crosslyn Castillo just decides to go along with the madness. Cut to “The Turkey Strikes Back...Again!” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
We see how his Garam Masala recipe is easy to burn until he comes up with the most unique solution, a hot air popcorn popper, which takes me back to the 1980s and early 1990s, before I heard of a microwave. Thirty seconds later, the spices are toasted. (Cut to James and everyone else in the kitchen.)
TLOTA:
Now I have modified the procedure by taking the spices that are going to be toasted and using a reusable cheesecloth teabag to keep the spices warm, and then get the other spices ready to go into the spice mill. [Beat] There we go, and now on to follow the rest of the procedure. (Cut to Alton making the Turkey Tikka Masala. Cut to James and everyone else as James’ Tikka Masala is plated.)
TLOTA:
Alright, and here we go! Now, if my calculations are correct, Rowdy should be back with Simon in five, four, three, two... (Rowdy and Simon Majumdar blink in) Ladies and Gentlemen, noted food historian and author Simon Majumdar! (Audience applause is heard as Simon takes his bows.) Welcome, I’m James, and this is my team.
Simon Majumdar:
A pleasure to be here, but I must ask, why am I here? (James grabs the plate and walks it over to Simon.)
TLOTA:
Well, I knew you were upset that Alton Brown’s Turkey Tikka Masala didn’t have enough wallop, and I figured you might want to try mine. It’s Alton’s but with a bit more of a wallop! (Simon tries a bite as he looks at the camera and as he looks at the camera a meter of red covers Simon as the alarm from the polygraph from The Three Stooges short: “Shivering Sherlocks” and his mouth when all of a sudden a fire is expelled from Simon’s mouth as everyone goes and find a way to shut the fire off with Bread which does not work, A strong Alcohol which does not work but James tries the Yogurt and it cools Simon’s mouth and Simon sighs.)
Simon Majumdar:
I wanted a wallop; you hit me with a blow that would take out a forest!
TLOTA:
Well, I may have used whatever Chilies I had, I know I had three Thai Chilies and I had... OR-HAC, what other chilies did I put in?
OR-HAC (Audio only):
You put a Ghost Pepper in with the Thai Chilies.
Simon Majumdar:
Well, that explains it! (Cut to Rowdy)
Rowdy:
Well, maybe you’ve become more heat sensitive, let me try! (Rowdy takes a bite as the alarm from the polygraph from The Three Stooges short: “Shivering Sherlocks” and his mouth, when all of a sudden, a fire is expelled from Rowdy’s mouth as everyone goes and finds a way to shut the fire off.)
TLOTA:
Here we go again! (Cut to “The Turkey Strikes Back...Again!” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
We next come upon a Renaissance Faire Staple as Alton talks about the birth of the Renaissance Faire and how it correlates with the Sixties after Lee Harvey Oswald killed John Kennedy, which includes the Free Love movement and the acceptance of illicit materials. However, Alton calls the Smoked Turkey Legs an anachronism as Turkey is a New World bird via Mesoamerica, AKA Mexico. Meaning you shouldn’t have a Pizza Parlor at a festival for the Witch Trials at Salem! But I digress, Alton makes a half batch of his brine for his Smoked Turkey Legs and leaves it to chill in the fridge. (Cut to everyone in the kitchen.)
TLOTA:
We are just about to be done with them and let them dry off so the smoke can catch the legs.
Jessica Lopez-Barkl:
So, where’s your smoker rig? Outside hopefully.
TLOTA:
They’re both in the Garage and I think we’ll go with the ceramic cooker from the “Good Eats” episode “Q.” (Cut to everyone as they look as James puts together his ceramic cooker. Cut to James as he says “Ta-Da!” and we see his “Ceramic Cooker." Cut to Jessica Lopez-Barkl)
Jessica Lopez-Barkl:
Those are Flowerpots! (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
But it works. Would you like me to smoke in the cardboard box? I can show you the clip of Alton making his Cardboard Smoker. As a matter of fact, I think I will. (Cut to the clip of Alton making his cardboard box smoker in “The Turkey Strikes Back...Again!” Cut to everyone.)
Jessica Lopez Barkl:
Okay, it's a ceramic cooker, but what’s with the frame and feet?
TLOTA:
Well, you can thank your husband for helping me out. Now, I’ve been letting this go for thirty minutes to allow the harmful chemicals in the wood to burn off, and it is time to introduce the legs to the smoke. This is where I agree with Alton on this one. (Show clip of Alton as he smokes the legs, then uses the Texas Crutch in BBQ terminology. Cut to everyone just as James brings the Smoked and Braised Turkey Legs.) And here we go, a series of Turkey Legs that would cost quite a few dollars at a Renaissance Fair. As for leftovers, well, Alton’s Smoked Turkey Legs morphs marvelously into Turkey Salad. (Cut to the clip from “The Turkey Strike Back...Again!” in which Alton turns the Turkey Legs into Turkey Salad. Cut to James, Rowdy, Jessica Lopez-Barkl, and Nick Lopez in the kitchen.)
TLOTA:
And now we move on to something. If you’re single or it’s just you and a friend, we move on to the main event, Turchetta! (James’ Cell Phone Rings) Hi Chris.... [Beat](Two seconds of speed talk) Oh, I just knew you’d call eventually. (Mouths “My Brother the Chef!” as Speed talking continues) [Beat] Yes! (Speed talking continues) [Beat] YES! (Speed Talking Continues and James sighs then just puts his phone on a charger and lets his brother continue to speed talk) OKAY CHRIS! I will call it what it is, and I must go and cook while doing a review! I will see you on Thanksgiving! (James shuts off the phone and sighs as he mutters, “Family.” Cut to “The Turkey Strikes Back...Again!” as James does a voiceover.
TLOTA (V.O.):
While initially apprehensive, Alton admits he did like it enough to come up with a recipe, which we will follow to the letter. And while Alton admits he can’t get us all off Roasting the whole bird, we should open ourselves to more recipes. (Cut to James and everyone else as they see the multiple Turchettas.)
TLOTA:
Speaking of more recipes, let’s move on to the spuds. Starting with Sweet Potatoes.(Cut to “Potato, My Sweet” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
We open with Alton looking over Sweet Potatoes for a possible episode, and to help, we meet with Sid, the food agent, trying to convince Alton to do an episode with his client, which he agrees to. After discovering that Sweet Potatoes are, botanically speaking, not even close to being in the same family as regular potatoes, but they are etymologically close to the spuds we know. After a brief history of Sweet Potatoes with the late Deb Duchon, Alton shows us how to store and prep them, either baked or steamed. He also begins to make a mashed sweet potato dish with Chipotle and Adobo. Cut to James with the mashed sweet potatoes.)
TLOTA:
I decided to highlight the sweetness with subtlety, adding a pinch of salt and a touch of maple sugar, as we did in the Turchetta, along with the butter specified with the recipe. Now we’re going to bypass the waffle portion of the show, and if you want to get said recipe, check the episode out. Right now, we’re going for Sweet Potato Pie! (Cut to “Potato, My Sweet” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
We soon discover that while Pumpkin pie is great for guys like me in the Northeast, if you want to do a Southern take, well then we’re going to have to go with Sweet Potatoes. (Show clip of Alton’s Sweet Potato Pie recipe intercut with James following the recipe. Cut to James with the Sweet Potato Pie.)
TLOTA:
And I have tried the pie, it’s good. But our next potato dish is a mash-up of the ones Alton did in one of the earliest episodes of “Good Eats” I’ve ever talked about. From Season One, this is “This Spud’s For You.” If you know what the joke of the title is, you are getting e-mails from the AARP! (Cut to “This Spud’s For You” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The episode opens with Alton in a diner, you see on the road, as he tells us that the Potato is being served in so many ways. And a fun fact, that hat he’s wearing comes from the Alma Mater where he earned his degree in cooking. We then discuss how far the Potato has traveled to get from where it started in Central and South America to Ireland where it is a staple in everyone’s diet there and Deb Duchon lets us know why the rest of Europe was 100 years behind because they were poisonous, had it not been for the Incas, who were able to remove the poison from the potato plant and the potato itself. Europeans knew how bad it was, as it is close to nightshades. He then goes into the different styles of Potatoes starting with the three categories which are based on their starch content. The High Starch “Mealy” Potato which Alton turns into a baked potato. He then goes into the low or “waxy” potato in which he mixes with the Russet Potatoes and a warmed milk concoction to make mashed potatoes and uses the medium starch potatoes for a scalloped potato dish known as a Gratin! Him using an asiago cheese, portobello mushrooms and parsley and the episode ends with Alton suggesting that we try some experimenting with the spuds. (Cut to James and a lot of potatoes.)
TLOTA:
And experiment we shall with a fusion of all three recipes into Alton Brown’s Twice Baked Potato Gratin! (Cut to James cooking as he does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
We start off with our baked potatoes which will come out nice and fluffy. Scoop out as much of the meat from said potatoes and cut the skin into thin strips. We move on to boiling the waxy potatoes with a few Yukon Golds for the recipe with just smaller amounts. We then butter the pan we’re cooking the Gratin, and we’re warming up the half and half and a touch of buttermilk from the mashed potatoes. Oh, speaking of, we finally mash the potatoes that we boiled and now we make the Gratin. Starting with one layer of skins, mushrooms, the potato mixture, asiago cheese and repeat until we reach the top of the pan and then we take the remaining dairy and allow the dish to soak the milk up for thirty minutes. Then we put it in the oven for about 30 minutes at 375 degrees.
TLOTA:
While that’s cooking, let’s move on to another casserole that we associate with Thanksgiving. Green Bean Casserole. Let’s get into “Bean Stalker”! (Everyone else off-screen shouts “HEY! PHRASING!” Cut to “Bean Stalker” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The episode opens with Chuck delivering a load of green beans to Alton and the two are reminded of Green Bean Casserole. After a brief trip to the market, where Chuck is there to see which bean will make a great and tall growing vine. Alton then tells us the variety of green beans is because of... corn. We then get a Mad Men-esque sketch about how Green Bean Casserole became popular in the 1950’s thanks to canned Cream Of Mushroom soup and their french-fried onions. As Alton cooks, we find Chuck getting a little more gold. And yes, if you have seen and read a certain kids tale, you know where Chuck’s story goes. (Cut to James physically in the kitchen.)
TLOTA:
Let’s hope Chuck avoids this! (Cut to the wedding scene from the most F’D up animated version of “Jack and the Beanstalk.” Cut to James physically.) Yeah, it’s now in your head. Enjoy your nightmares! (Cut to “Bean Stalker” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Alton makes his version with fresh onions sliced thin mixed with flour, salt, and Panko Breadcrumbs. After a brief explanation of what Panko Breadcrumbs are, Alton moves on to making the cream of mushroom gravy for the casserole and frying the onions in the oven. Combine all the ingredients to create the proper mix of beans, sauce, and onions. After it cooks, Alton begins to enjoy the casserole as the episode ends with Chuck handing Alton a hen and an axe. Chuck runs for his life, and Alton starts to put together what is going on and hands over the casserole to a giant. (Cut to James with his Green Bean Casserole and the twice-baked potato gratin.)
TLOTA:
With only a few minor adjustments, starting with air frying the onions and mixing the uncooked green beans in with the mushroom sauce, and adding a small can of crushed tomatoes for a touch of acidity, really does add to the green bean casserole. Next up since we’ve gone with sweet potato pie, let’s add in the apple pie as we look at “American Classics: Apple of My Pie” (Cut to “American Classics: Apple Of My Pie” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The episode opens with Alton in front of an American flag as he tells us that we’ve been slacking off more with our American Classic recipes. After the introduction, Alton lets us know he’s dabbled in both pie and apples, and now it’s time to start. Starting with the crust, which he makes in a food processor with flour, the salt we use in seasoning on a table, a tablespoon of sugar, unsalted butter, and vegetable shortening until it just becomes mealy. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Here is where Alton uses an alcohol that I’ve tried to find and could not. So I just use a little Apple Cider, which is why when I made the crust, I skipped the sugar because it’s in the cider, and to that I added a touch of cider vinegar. (Cut to “American Classics: Apple Of My Pie” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Alton then introduces us to how Apples made their way from Kazakhstan to our neck of the woods via John Chapman, AKA Johnny Appleseed, as Alton shares his blend, which I have found at a local apple orchard for the perfect apple pie blend, to which I just so happen to like for the pie as well. Alton then uses something that I don’t like, an apple corer with blades. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
This is why I have a melon baller because it does a better job of correctly coring apples. As for slicing, I am actually quite skilled with a chef’s knife. This one has a bit of history with my family. My dad picked it up as he was working at Grossinger’s, which has been demolished for a long time, long story short. Someone tried to hurt him with it. My dad was able to get it away from the guy and took it for the family. It has stayed with me and my family all these years. (James preps the apples for the pie. Cut to “American Classics: Apple Of My Pie” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Alton then decides to allow the use of some sugar on the apples to soften before cooking them in the pie. If we didn’t, the crust would dome, and we’d have apples that would resemble coarse apple sauce, which is not what we’re after in this recipe. Alton then gets the spices for our pie, which doesn't include the usual line-up. Instead of them, Alton decides to use a little more sugar, salt, and a spice I have found called “Grains Of Paradise” along with some lime juice to prevent the apples from turning brown, and other ingredients. We then see that Alton doesn’t go for the usual pie pan or the springform pan, which I find good when I make deep-dish pizza. Still, instead, he uses a tart pan with a removable bottom. After getting the dough in the pan, Alton has a little surprise when it comes to piling in the apples in the pie by putting in a ceramic pie bird and concentrically circling the apples around the ceramic pie bird, glazing it with the reduced juice on the top of the pan, putting it in the oven and baking it until it is golden brown and delicious for fifty minutes. After cooling for four hours, the pie is ready. (Cut to James with his Apple Pie)
TLOTA:
And so is this pie. Now, let’s move on to a couple more sides before we get to the Pumpkin pie. Our next side dish takes us to Belgium, and the city of Brussels as we discover how “A Cabbage Sprouts in Brussels.”( Cut to “A Cabbage Sprouts in Brussels,” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
We open with Sid in the Belgium city having closed a deal with Brussels Sprouts when Alton wanted Belgian Chocolate. Though Alton isn’t too keen on the idea, he goes through with telling us about the Sprout and how it connects with leafy greens and cabbage and how Thomas Jefferson is responsible for our country getting the Sprouts in and how he had it at Monticello. (Cut to James as he prepares the Brussels Sprouts for the side dish)
TLOTA:
However according to his own culinary history, Thomas Jefferson is credited with all food in this country, even Macaroni and Cheese! But then from my history course, Jefferson was a Jackass as a president! (Cut to “A Cabbage Sprouts in Brussels.” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
We then see how the Sprouts are best available fresh in late fall to early spring, especially on the stalk. Though we have ways to get the sprouts, Alton tells us how to make Sprouts just as Sid is in Brussels with a lovely lady. After the original preparation of being steamed and tender without boiling it to death. The next recipe is that of turning the Sprout into a warm Slaw after Sid continues to have fun only in Belgium and Brussels which includes the quickest way to slice up the Sprouts on the Food Processor’s slicing disk. The third one is a warm dish which involves bacon, onions and the fat from bacon, Heavy Cream and Mustard, Blue Cheese and Nutmeg and Alton better get it cooked quickly because it appears that Sid is paying for all the fun in Brussels he had. He finishes it just in time for Sid to have become a Diplomatic Attache for the American Consulate to keep him out of a Brussels Prison cell and a perfect blend of spices including dry mustard, garlic, Olive Oil and a medium grill for skewered grilled Brussels Sprouts. (Cut to James in the kitchen with the prepared Brussels Sprouts.) My recipe is yet another amalgamation of Alton’s recipes from this episode. (Cut to James cooking his dish as he does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Start by prepping the Sprouts as he did in the microwave for the skewered Sprouts, then combine. mustard powder and garlic from said recipe with the bacon fat and the bacon from the third dish, the chopped Walnuts and cranberries from the second recipe and instead of using the grill, might I suggest the broiler for five minutes and serve alongside the turkey for Thanksgiving. (Show James with the final dish.)
TLOTA:
You know, now that I think about it, I almost forgot about the Cranberries, so let’s go to the “Cran Opening”! (Cut to “Cran Opening” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The episode opens as Alton looks at the medicinal qualities of the Cranberry before we meet Alton at a Cranberry bog as we discover that Cranberry are harvested two different ways: Dry and Wet. The later is shown to further processing and the first shows the regular as we see how a cranberry farmer known as Peg-Legged John as we move on to our first dish, the one we’re going to create. Whole Berry Cranberry Sauce with our own twist. (Cut to James in the kitchen cooking as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Start with the berries themselves. We then take a tablespoon of Apple Cider Vinegar, three quarters of a cup of honey, a half cup mix of Real 100 percent Cranberry Juice and a whole package of berries and cooked for fifteen minutes. While I do applaud Alton for making a thirty ounce can of Cranberry Sauce I prefer the dish that I am going to serve it in and allow someone to spoon their own amount. (Cut to James and Jessica Lopez-Barkl.)
TLOTA:
What do you think?
Jessica Lopez-Barkl:
I could use a drink!
TLOTA:
After we’re done. But if you want the drink, let’s get back to the episode. (Cut to “Cran Opening” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
After another trip to the medical counter and into someone’s Urinary Tract, we have the cranberries, sugar, and water, and cook until the berries pop. Then, after cooking, blending, and straining into a metal baking dish, Alton adds lime zest and freezes it solid into a granita which is taken to the bar to make our granita into a Cosmopolitan. (Cut to James and Jessica as James hands her a Cosmopolitan.)
TLOTA:
Now this is for the Thanksgiving AFTER we make our final side which happens to be the Pumpkin Pie. So, let’s get to the final episode in this review, “American Classics: Pumpkin Pie.” (Cut to “American Classics: Pumpkin Pie” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The episode opens with Alton getting ready to chide us again for allowing us to lower the standards on our food as we’re introduced to three of our founding fathers including Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin as he pulls out the Pumpkin Pie. We then meet Alton at a Pumpkin patch as we get a history on Pumpkins and Gov. Bradley told the colonists to keep them on standby and how we’ve moved past their culinary uses in favor of... (A Loud whistling is heard as it cuts to James and everyone as James hears it coming for his desk as James moves quickly to save the desk and James with a giant slingshot to shoot the pumpkin back to the footage. Cut to “American Classics: Pumpkin Pie” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
We’re soon introduced to Alton’s own root cellar, which has been home to his wine, vinegar, Fruits and Veggies that are Root Cellar-friendly, and now the pumpkins he uses, which includes the Sugar “Pie” Pumpkin as he suggests an alternate if we cannot find good pumpkins, Butternut squash and we now go to the first recipe which could be made fireplace side but since my fireplace is a decorative piece, to the oven we go. We start with a cleaned pumpkin and a sweet variation of what we’re going to cook, which we will along with a savory version. (Cut to James with three pumpkins in the kitchen.)
TLOTA:
Starting with the Pumpkins, we’re going cut the top off and scrape the seeds out and ready the seeds for snacking and for replanting with Pumpkins One and Two. Pumpkin Number Three is for another application which we will get to, the next recipe, but we will do the same with the seeds from the third one the same way. [Beat] We then move on to filling the first one with two cups of cream, mixed with eggs, and the usual Pumpkin pie spices, which include cloves, cinnamon, honey, nutmeg, and a touch of salt and ginger. For the savory, we’ll switch to Alton for that recipe. (Cut to the episode for the savory Pumpkin Pie Soup recipe. Cut to James with Rowdy and Pumpkins one and two) And now we set these two aside for a few facts between Alton and The Lady Of The Pumpkin?
Rowdy:
You mean Cinderella? (James smacks Rowdy as it cuts to Alton and The Lady Of The Pumpkin as they give facts about eating fresh pumpkins. Cut to James with Pumpkin Number three.)
TLOTA:
And now we’re going to make our fresh Pumpkin Puree the same way Alton made his. (Cut to the episode as Alton’s Pumpkin Puree. Cut to James with Pumpkin Puree.) Now we’re going to make our Pumpkin custard for our pie and the crust. (Cut to James as he cooks the Pumpkin Pie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.)
Starting with the crust, start with the Ginger cookies and enough melted unsalted butter to keep the crust together and not overly soggy. Next up is the custard starting with the Pumpkin Puree, two cups worth. Next up is the Dairy and spices. We’re using the same from the sweet Pumpkin pie soup recipe and we’re switching the cream for half and half. Next up is the eggs, two of them to be precise, we then temper the eggs as the rest of the custard base is warming up on the same burner then once tempered, we mix until the crust has cooled which it has and now we fill the crust with the custard and bake until it looks barely cooked, wait for the carryover then we can do this... (Cut to the episode as Alton takes the mini pies he made with the leftover filling and brule them and the rest of the episode. Cut to James and everyone at the table ready to enjoy all the recipes.)
TLOTA:
And now we can enjoy the meals made from Alton Brown. (A “Hai-Yah! No one told Uncle Roger and Uncle Joshua that you move. Just be lucky we find the address from former landlord.) And just in time for our guests! Foo-Yoo! (James gets up and hugs Uncle Roger and Joshua Weissman.) Uncle Roger, Joshua Weissman, the team. (Uncle Roger and Joshua Weissman join everyone at the table. Cut to Uncle Roger as he eats the Turkey Tikka Masala.)
Uncle Roger:
Fui-Yuu, Cousin James you make Tikka Masala perfect for Uncle Roger. Uncle Roger knows, nephew Nigel and his wife introduced Tikka Masala to Uncle Roger and it is good! Fui-Yuu! (Cut to Joshua Weissman as he tries a bite of the Tikka Masala as the alarm from the polygraph from The Three Stooges short: “Shivering Sherlocks” and his mouth, when all of a sudden, a fire is expelled from Joshua’s mouth and he runs around the table as everyone goes and finds a way to shut the fire off. Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Once again to fight the fire, while I wrap up. (Cut to the episodes of “Good Eats” mentioned in this review as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
So that was our piecemeal Thanksgiving thanks to the recipes of Alton Brown and “Good Eats.” There’s not much to say except that these were fun episodes of “Good Eats” that I was able to connect to make a great Thanksgiving meal in one way or another. The plots of the episodes are good, the recipes are awesome, and Alton does his best to anchor each episode. If you haven’t seen the episodes, then check them out on HBO Max, Discovery+ or any other streaming service that has “Good Eats” and watch them and enjoy everything from the library of Alton Brown & “Good Eats" to get some great ideas for your next Thanksgiving and other diners. (Cut to James and everyone as they sit back and enjoy the the dishes)
TLOTA:
And that does it for Alton and Thanksgiving, maybe I will do other episodes of “Good Eats” down the road, but I think I’ve done too much right now. Until later this month, I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, that’s my opinion, and Happy Thanksgiving. (James and everyone else enjoy their Thanksgiving meal as it fades to black and then fades to James, Jessica Lopez-Barkl and Nick Lopez in a quiet area inside a dimensional bubble)
Jessica Lopez-Barkl:
Okay, why are we in here?
TLOTA:
I need your help with something important. If it looks like I’m physically in danger while I’m in my meditative state, I need to you to help me out by pulling me back with what I wrote down.
Nick Lopez:
Okay, you didn’t answer my wife’s question: Why are we IN HERE?!
TLOTA:
Oh the dimensional bubble, truth be told while I was in Triple Crest, I did get a call from Dr. Linksano, an associate of Linkara’s and just about the time Linkara was able to finish working on told me about something called the “Architects” and I need to know something and the only person who would actively do something like this, is someone who actively tried to turn me into what she wanted me to be. Which was loyal to her desires to see the world burn in flames and me turn into her servant. Now I must go and see if she knows them. Wish me luck. (James goes into a meditative state and quietly chants as James’ astral form leaves his body, and he finds himself standing as swirls of smoke envelop the scene, and we cut to James as he floats in the middle of a crimson void.)
TLOTA:
NET! IF YOU’RE HERE, SHOW YOUR ASS NOW! (A woman in a hoverchair, dressed like Madame Web, played by Olivia Horvath, appears)
Mistress Net:
You dare to summon me, Variant?
TLOTA:
You’re damned right I’m summoning your ass! Tell me about the “Architects”! (Cut to Mistress Net)
Mistress Net:
The “Architects”?! Oh, my dear Variant, if you are going up against them, then surely you have a death wish. [Beat](Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Did they tell you to end my relationship with Alex? How far back do these “Architects” go in the lives of my associates in the Internet Reviewing, like Rowdy, or ERod, or Linkara? (Cut to Mistress Net as she chuckles.)
Mistress Net:
While you may not believe me when I say that a certain someone from Chicago was secretly influenced and tormented by the “Architects” for what he had done, and everyone else is suffering as a result of his actions. (Show clips of two trilogies sans the source of the first trilogy from a lifetime and a half ago as Mistress Net does a voiceover.)
Mistress Net (V.O.):
The “Architects” knew and manipulated him, and once he defied them, he was put into a limbo...
TLOTA (V.O.):
It would explain that thing they did.
Mistress Net (V.O.):
SILENCE VARIANT! As I was saying, once he returned, he was without meaning and protected. While yes, the truth about what happened came out, and it was a fall meant to happen. When you tried to get involved and have your first adventure, thinking you could defy them with Emmalina, they punished you by what they did to her. Then came the musician/actress, Lea, whose name I don't recall. The relationship between you and her was going to be destroyed one way or another. Had you not made the honorable sacrifice, she would have been dead, or worse, stuck with you, and her career would’ve been destroyed, and she would have joined those from that music show that have passed from your plane of existence. (Cut to moments of the relationship between James and Julia Alexa Miller as Mistress Net continues her voiceover.) Then came her, I was certain she was going to be the one to change your fate for the better; however, the Architects forced me to do what it is I did to you and her. (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Then tell me what it is I must do to find them and make them pay for what they did! (Cut to Mistress Net)
Mistress Net:
If you take on the “Architects,” it may be your downfall. (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Speaking honestly, I have nothing left to lose at this point. If I go, then that’s it. I’ve lived as long as my oldest brother did, but he did more than I did. If I go, then so be it! Besides, I needed something to tell Linkara. (Cut to Mistress Net.)
Mistress Net:
Linkara?! You know of Linkara? Oh my, then... you... You’re not a Variant, you are him! You ARE the real James Faraci, and what happened to you... What I have done to you and your family, I am so sorry, forgive me, James, you deserve so much than what you’ve been through. You must team with Linkara to stop them. You may have to go to the worst parts of your mind, and if you fail, it will be your end. (Mistress Net returns to the mist as James zooms back to his body and lands face-first onto the floor. Jessica Lopez-Barkl and Nick rush up to help James back on his feet as the three exit the dimensional bubble.)
Jessica Lopez-Barkl:
What happened?
TLOTA: A lot! (Scene goes to black)
