Monday, July 22, 2024

Top ten reasons why The Star Wars Prequels are better than the Disney Star Wars movies

(Scene begin with a smartwatch screen and a finger as it taps the screen and the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand as it taps an app on his phone as it opens a portal, and it cuts to James and the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun and Nick Yaun and the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca & Rebecca and Nick Yaun” is shown and it then slides away to different images of Andrew Beach, and Ed Champion as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “Andrew Beach, Ed Champion” is shown as it then slides away to different images of Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath and the credits of “Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” is shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays. Everything becomes a swirl of Reds, Whites, and Blues as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions" “Executive Producers: James Faraci, Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach, Ed Champion & Olivia Horvath” “Editing by Eric Kurtzke and James Faraci” “Written and Directed by James Faraci” are shown as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays. We then see an image of James as he jumps through the portal and lands with half of his team on his right. The other half on his left is on a black background, and the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays. Cut to James in his office)

 TLOTA:  I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and the views I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Well, my worries and concerns were confirmed! (Cut to the clips of the Disney "Star Wars" movies and series as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.): As I watched the Disney "Star Wars" Skywalker movies, I saw the inevitable that they'd do what they had done with so many other franchises, they milked the film series for what they could get out of it and have been keeping it on life support on Disney+. But that's not to say that their efforts have been inadequate. I enjoyed "Rogue One: A Star Wars Story," I checked out "Solo: A Star Wars Story" and thought it was alright, given all the circumstances."The Mandalorian" is enjoyable, and The "Obi-Wan Kenobi" miniseries was entertaining, especially for the kid who played young Leia Organa. But as I watched them stumble through Episodes 7, 8, and 9, it felt like they were in Lather, Rinse, and Repeat the Original Trilogy. I hoped for something better in Disney's cinematic outings with these characters and this universe. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Then I realized that someone did something to expand the universe and help the original trilogy, and it happened twenty-five years ago! (Cut to clips of the Star Wars Prequels as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.): Yes, for all of the fandom's complaints, the Disney trilogy reminded me why the prequels, while not perfect, were better than Disney's Trilogy. And for those wondering, no, it's not for the reasons you think. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: It's partly because, at this stage in my career, I've got nothing left to lose, and I figured that after watching the prequels and Disney Trilogy back-to-back, I would have a better idea. So may the force be with me as I count down my top ten reasons why The Star Wars Prequels are better than the Disney Star Wars Movies. (Cut to the Prequel posters as the Disney "Skywalker" movie posters appear as a pair of doors open and "Duel Of The Fates" play in the foreground, and both sets of posters are prepared with lightsabers and the Disney Movie posters have Darth Maul's dual-sided lightsaber and on the tips of the blades are "Rogue One: A Star Wars Story" and "Solo: A Star Wars Story" and the Prequels side has the words "Hindsight," "Effort," and "Time" on their sides and as the Duel begins Both sides carve into the walls "The Top Ten Reasons Why The Star Wars Prequels are Better Than The Disney Star Wars Movies" then the number appears as James says the number.)

TLOTA (V.O.): Number Ten

(Cut to the Trailers of The Prequels as James does a voiceover.)

10) The Trailers

TLOTA (V.O.): I know that for many, trailers are meant to entice fans into watching the movies, but here's the thing: When Phantom Menace's trailer was released, it was at the start of the Internet as we know it. We were hooked on the trailer of Phantom Menace, and we even bought tickets for movies we would never have wanted to watch if not for the fact that they were showing the trailer for Phantom Menace. That's why the "Wing Commander" movie with Freddie Prinze Jr. and Matthew Lillard had such a good box office return in the theaters and not for the film itself. The Disney Star Wars Movie trailers enticed us as much, but maybe we were partly excited about what Disney would do. After seeing the trailers, I admit I wanted to see the Disney Star Wars movies; however, I was more disappointed by Disney's Star Wars because it felt like they were rehashed from the original trilogy with minor changes. I was excited when I saw the prequels because they were different chapters of the Star Wars story. It was the story's beginning, and I wanted to know how that little boy became the greatest Icon of the past few decades.

(Cut to the duel as it progresses, and the number appears as James says the number)

TLOTA(V.O.): Number Nine

(Cut to the Weird Al music video "The Saga Begins" as James does a voiceover)

9) Weird Al's "The Saga Begins"

TLOTA (V.O.): I will talk about the music of John Williams later on, but those who are into Star Wars and Weird Al already had their fix with the song "Yoda" that came out in the 1980s, which was when "Empire Strikes Back" and "Return Of The Jedi." were the popular Star Wars Movies. So when Phantom Menace came out and what the music scene was like at the time, many people wondered what Weird Al would do. What did he give us? (Cut to "The Saga Begins" as it plays for ten seconds. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: The plot of the movie! (Cut to "The Saga Begins" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.): And I don't mean like little points here and there; I mean he condenses the entire plot into a five-and-a-half-minute song, set to the tune of Don McLean's "American Pie.", and yet even with that, people went to see Phantom Menace in droves! Whether or not people saw it before or after hearing Werd Al's song is inconsequential. The fact is Weird Al gave us what to expect from this movie. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: What did Weird Al do for the Disney Sequels? (A tumbleweed rolls past James' desk) I wonder why.

(Cut to the duel as it progresses, and the number appears as James says the number)

TLOTA(V.O.): Number Eight

(Cut to the Prequels, Original Trilogy, and the Disney Sequels as James does a voiceover)

8)The Parallels between the Originals and the Prequels

TLOTA (V.O.): I have talked about this at great lengths, but the fact that The Prequels was the story of Anakin and Padme and the original trilogy was the story of Luke and Leia. With every left turn Anakin went, Luke turned right. Anakin loses his mom and slaughters the entire Tusken Raider tribe that took and tormented Shmi Skywalker to her death. Luke's Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru are murdered by the empire, and Luke stays true to finding his path to becoming a Jedi and seeking justice for his losses. Anakin loses his arm, and he slowly continues down the path of the Dark Side until he becomes Darth Vader; Luke gets a hand chopped off, and while he feels he's faltering, especially given the fact that Vader tells Luke that he is his father, Luke perseveres to not only redeem Anakin but the entire Skywalker family. Regarding the Skywalker family, Leia was so similar to Padme that it should surprise someone. When Leia watches her adopted homeworld of Alderaan be destroyed, it is probably the same feeling Padme had when the Trade Federation took over the planet Naboo. However, as Leia and Padme are cut from the same cloth, their taste in men sucks. Seriously, Padme, Anakin was barely out of diapers when you first meet, and then ten years later, you're in your twenties, and he's barely shaving at this point. And Leia, no wonder your kid went to the dark side once his dad felt like he failed both you and the kid; he went to the dark side just to heal himself from his parents being completely screwy, and I won't even go into how his mom frenched his uncle! That may be one thing I also saw in the Disney Sequels. How certain characters parallel the originals but to a lesser extent. Again, I said that the prequels are necessary to help understand the original trilogy, and I still stand by it. What do you need to understand the Disney Sequels? A sense of Deja Vu!

(Cut to the duel as it progresses, and the number appears as James says the number)

TLOTA(V.O.): Number Seven

(Cut to the posters of each of the Star Wars Posters as James does a voiceover)

7) The pacing between the movies

TLOTA (V.O.): So let's talk about how much time it took between when the original trilogy came out and the time it took in between for the prequels and the time it took in between for the Disney sequels, and I am going to not talk about the time between the trilogies. The original Star Wars: A New Hope came out in 1977; three years later, "The Empire Strikes Back," and three years after that came "Return Of The Jedi." Fast forward to 1999, and Phantom Menace came out, three years later, "Attack Of The Clones," and three years after, "Revenge Of The Sith." Fast forward to 2015 and "The Force Awakens." 2017, "The Last Jedi" was released, and in 2019, the last Star Wars movie, "The Rise Of Skywalker," was released. So, not counting both "Rogue One: A Star Wars Story" and "Solo: A Star Wars Story," which were released between the Disney Sequel Trilogy. There was a two-year gap. That extra year between the filming and post-production helped sand out any mistakes that could've been filmed. However, the quick turnaround didn't give us a chance to breathe. Those three years between the first, second, and third movies in the original and prequel trilogies without any filler pieces (Save for two pieces, which I will talk about in the number four spot) gave us time to see what else was out there. The constant influx of Star Wars media has diluted the strength of the movies and the franchise itself. Thankfully, they haven't made any more movies for now, and the series on Disney+ is their way of keeping interest without flooding theaters with inferior films.

(Cut to the duel as it progresses, and the number appears as James says the number)

TLOTA(V.O.): Number Six

(Cut to Palpatine, C-3PO, R2-D2, and Yoda in the prequels as James does a voiceover)

6) The Legacy characters

TLOTA (V.O.): I will be talking about Obi-Wan Kenobi soon enough, but for this part, I want to talk about the characters who were there for introductory purposes. Palpatine is there, so we can see his rise to power, eventually becoming the emperor and destroying the republic. C-3PO and R2-D2 are there to see how they connect to Luke and Leia as much as to Anakin and Padme. Yoda, once again performed by Frank Oz, had his battles with Dooku and Palpatine end with him not stopping any of that because he admitted he was blind to the clone army that was being built. If he was blind to that, he was oblivious to what was going on with Anakin and how Palpatine turned Anakin to Vader until it was too little, too late for the Jedi Order. The fact Palpatine, C-3PO & R2-D2 are used to further connections from the past as opposed to, say, having them just sprinkled in for the nostalgia along with somehow doing whatever they feel Luke, Leia, Han, and Chewbacca and making it up as they go, makes the Prequels somewhat better. We see how these characters connect better to the original trilogy. How they put these characters in was after sniffing super glue during the writing process.

(Cut to the duel as it progresses, and the number appears as James says the number)

TLOTA(V.O.): Number Five

(Cut to clips of Padme, Obi-Wan Kenobi, and Mace Windu in the prequels as James does a voiceover)

5) Natalie Portman, Samuel L. Jackson, Ewan McGregor

TLOTA (V.O.): As much as people want to say, "Oh, the acting in the Prequels was horrendous," let me ask you this: "Did the actors in the Disney Sequels win any awards for their work in the Star Wars movies?" Thought so. Let's face it, the acting isn't a highlight for the prequels or sequels. But what keeps the prequels from becoming unbearable is the work of Natalie Portman as Padme, Samuel L. Jackson as Mace Windu, and Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan Kenobi. Much like how Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, and The late Carrie Fisher were in the original trilogy, Samuel L Jackson, Natalie Portman, and Ewan McGregor were the glue that kept everything on track. They had to. Mace Windu had to be the arrogance of the Jedi, who was hellbent on keeping Anakin down. That arrogance turned into Mace's downfall and, sure enough, the downfall of the Jedi. Padme was the Eve to Anakin's Adam, and even though she was trying to keep him from sinning, the one time Adam did sin was what set many things in place for the universe to wound up. Obi-Wan was trying to be the father figure like Qui-Gon Jinn, as played by Liam Neeson, and brother to Anakin Skywalker, so when he failed at both after leaving baby Luke with Owen and Beru, it makes sense he had failed Anakin and decided the best way to protect Luke was to stay away from him as much as possible but be close enough to be there if he needed help. They also serve to move Anakin towards Vader, but that's for the number three spot. The crazy glue in the Disney Sequels was, of course, Rey, Poe, and Finn. And while they held their trilogy together, it was trying to hold together a skyscraper with a rubber band, if you understand, you understand.

(Cut to the duel as it progresses, and the number appears as James says the number)

TLOTA(V.O.): Number Four

(Cut to the "Star Wars: The Clone Wars" CGI series and the Genndy Tartakovsky "Star Wars: Clone Wars" Animated Mini-Series as James does a voiceover)

4) The "Clone Wars" cartoons

TLOTA (V.O.): The two "Clone Wars" series briefly expanded the emphasis of the Clone Wars we had heard about. The Genndy Tartakovsky "Clone Wars" series was primarily just a filler piece to help get from "Attack Of The Clones" to "Revenge of The Sith." It allowed Dave Filoni and his crew to expand on it by giving us Ahsoka Tano and more characters to help connect the movies and series. While Ahsoka was not mentioned in the Prequels, her character expanded in the Disney+ Star Wars shows, which is positive towards Disney's stewardship of Star Wars. The last time we had an animated series set before the original trilogy was the series "Ewoks" & "Droids." Both series were set after the prequel trilogy but before the original trilogy, much like with the series "Star Wars: Rebels," Both "Clone Wars" shows helped expand the franchise in a good way.

(Cut to the duel as it progresses, and the number appears as James says the number)

TLOTA(V.O.): Number Three

(Cut to the progression from Anakin to Darth Vader in the prequels as James does a voiceover)

3) The slow burn from Anakin to Darth Vader

TLOTA (V.O.): Many people wanted to see him immediately from the get-go, to briefly see Anakin be a Jedi and then turn to the dark side and be Darth Vader trying to end the Jedi in the rest of the prequels. But we wouldn't have known anything as to how, why, when, and What caused Anakin to turn to the dark side and then become the Darth Vader we've all turned into a mythic, unstoppable monster, which after watching the prequels was not the case. If anything, the reasons for his fall to the dark side was Mace Windu being so smugly superior, believing that Anakin needed to be knocked down because he had an ego towards Anakin, thinking he shouldn't be "The Chosen One" to bring balance so when Anakin cut his hand to show Mace his own hubris had gotten the best of him and what Palpatine did was cook the dude to what he deserved. Padme was the primary reason he went on the journey in the first place. Had Padme and Qui-Gon gone anywhere else, they would've avoided Anakin, yet Padme and Qui-Gon went to Watto's to get the parts for the hyperdrive, and as soon as Anakin, who was a kid, saw Padme and thought things that he shouldn't have, so once they married, he was doomed. No matter how much Obi-Wan Kenobi tried to fill Qui-Gon's shoes and keep Anakin from being around both Palpatine and Padme, he knew once he had his troops turn on him and then saw the deaths of the Jedi at the temple, Anakin was lost, no matter how much he tried, he failed Anakin, but he wouldn't fail Luke or Leia. But if that happened in the first prequel, he would've had to figure out how to do the other two prequels on the fly. Kind of reminiscent of more recent times if you ask me. But I digress; the fact is clear if we had gotten Vader from the get-go, we wouldn't have known the man that became the monster. Sometimes, the slow burn is the one that gets it right.

(Cut to the duel as it progresses, and The Episode One and Episode Two posters are killed by the Disney Star Wars movie posters, and the number appears as James says the number)

TLOTA(V.O.): Number Two

(Cut to clips of the Prequels as James does a voiceover.)

2) The Music

TLOTA (V.O.):

As much as people will admit that John Williams was one of the primary reasons all the trilogies worked, John was more restricted in the Disney Trilogy because of the familiarity of the songs. When Duel Of The Fates was released, it was instantly recognizable because John had the London Symphony Orchestra. He had hit upon one track in particular in The Phantom Menace called "Duel Of The Fates" that had the build-up to an epic feel, that had a flow, it had a sensibility that made people clench their jaws and say "YES JOHN! KEEP IT UP," and he did use it subtly in "Attack Of The Clones" as we see Anakin race to rescue Shmi, and then the final battle between Palpatine and Yoda. Now, yes, The song that they use for the love theme of Anakin and Padme was not as good; it was a gentile song, and it did show how close after a decade apart where they were and how they felt towards one another, but thankfully John saved the best of his Prequel work with the "Revenge Of The Sith" as we feel the pain of how Anakin falls to the Dark Side and the final fall of the old Republic.

(Cut to the duel as it progresses, and Episode Three goes to town, eventually slicing all three of the posters in half to their demises, and the number appears as James says the number)

TLOTA(V.O.): And the Number One Reason Why The Star Wars Prequels are better than the Disney Star Wars movies is...

(Cut to clips of the Prequels as James does a voiceover)

1) GEORGE LUCAS KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING!

TLOTA (V.O.): Please know that I have never said the following when it comes to George Lucas; he is the most creative writer, the greatest filmmaker, and the most significant movie producer, nor will I fully ever defend all of his ideas. But at least when he plans something, he knows what he is doing. He also knew when it came to Jar-Jar Binks that Jar-Jar was the canary in the coal mine, and George knew when he heard how much the fans hated the character; he went into damage control mode and had to set it up that Jar-Jar had to really F up in "Attack Of The Clones." and how could he do that? Let's make Jar-Jar the guy who hands the galaxy to Palpatine on a Silver platter! He knew so much had to go wrong to get things right. He knew that casting which actor he wanted to play the youngest Anakin in "Phantom Menace" and then the one we'd get in "Attack Of The Clones" and "Revenge Of The Sith" would have to get people interested. If he had hired Leonardo DiCaprio or someone of a high caliber, it might have been more appealing, but to see one of them struggle through such dialogue would have turned those fans away. George Lucas made it clear that it had to be Anakin on screen. I know I will be barbequed for what I'm about to say. Still, by hiring Jake Lloyd to play Anakin in Phantom Menace and Hayden Christensen in "Attack Of The Clones" and "Revenge Of The Sith," George knew that Anakin would be performed to the caliber the role deserved. Let's face it: both Hayden and Natalie Portman look like younger versions of Mark Hamill and the late Carrie Fisher. He also knew he wanted to see the fall of the Republic, and that point had to happen slowly. George Lucas knew how to handle the Fandom Menace by giving the audience what they wanted when he felt they deserved it, not by doing it when they said they wanted it. The Disney Sequels were pandering for the almighty dollar, and what Lucasfilms under Kathleen Kennedy has done is nothing short of making the Star Wars franchise nearly unwatchable. George Lucas may have hurt the movies with the prequels, but at least it was a pain from which we could recover! Thus, George's work with the prequels and all that he did right, along with his knowing what he was doing, are the number one reasons why the prequels are better than the Disney sequels! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And while I would usually say, "If there's anyone who wants to say where I'm wrong and how Disney did the Star Wars Franchise better than George Lucas, let me know in the comment section." But I know you won't comment, so I can get this out. (Cut to the Disney "Star Wars" Skywalker movies as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.): For many fans, I will give the Disney movies time to grow. Yes, it took time for us to accept the Prequels as better than they were for all their faults, but given what little time we have left, I say we give ourselves a break from Disney's "Star Wars" works and look around at other fandoms to like. It would be healthy for your likes and dislikes, even with the Star Wars franchise. When the 2009 "Star Trek" movie came out, It was perfectly timed because I had burned my love of "Star Wars" to the ground. Then came the "MCU," another breath of fresh air before returning to the "Star Wars" movies. So, time away from the film franchise before rewatching or returning to them is a good thing, believe it or not, and while yes, I indulge in "The Mandalorian" or "Obi-Wan Kenobi." It is something outside the Star Wars Skywalker movies and the Star Wars Movies. And yes, maybe in a few more years, we'll appreciate the Disney sequels differently as opposed to the death knell of the Star Wars Franchise. (Cut to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans physically)

TLOTA: So, let's see how this is going to go. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, and That's my opinion! (Cut to two hours later as James looks over the numbers) Well, I'm not surprised that one person is watching this review. Oh, hey, let's check out Social Media. Yep, just link me to Trump and Hitler, even though I support LGBTQIA+ and supporting other good causes, which includes making sure Rapists get the death penalty; just because of my Political association, I am automatically evil! Even, OH MY FUCKING GOD! Eliza Dushku and several other former associates are joining the fucking bandwagon to see me be sent to jail because I'm a Republican! You know what, I'm done! My career is destroyed, and my personal life is dead; WHAT'S THE FUCKING POINT OF CONTINUING IF ALL I GET IS FAILURE AFTER FAILURE! TO BE MADE A GOD DAMNED JOKE BY EVERYONE?! (Swirls of smoke envelop the scene, and we cut to James as he falls and floats in the middle of a crimson void.)

(A voice from nowhere): At last we meet!

TLOTA: What the hell? Where are you? WHO ARE YOU?

(The same voice from nowhere): I am responsible for returning you to the path I need you to be on. I am the one to end the frivolous relationship with that woman. I sent you all the obstacles; I am the one who had to send you back to the reality that you are insignificant (A woman in a hoverchair, dressed like Madame Web, played by Olivia Horvath, appears). I am the one who told you to go west to ensure that everything had to go according to destiny, including when I did it and what I did. You may call me Mistress Net! And now to ensure you become what needs to be made into. (Cut to James with a grimaced anger on his face. Fade to black)

Tuesday, July 9, 2024

An "Iron" solid crossover

(The scene begins with a smartwatch screen and a finger as it taps the screen, and the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand tapping an app on his phone as it opens a portal, and it cuts to James and the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun and Nick Yaun and the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca & Rebecca and Nick Yaun” is shown and as it then slides away to different images of Andrew Beach, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath and the credits of “Andrew Beach, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” is shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays. Everything becomes a swirl of Reds, Whites, and Blues as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions" “Executive Producers: James Faraci, Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach, Ed Champion & Olivia Horvath” “Editing by Eric Kurtzke and James Faraci” “Written by Chris Lee Moore and James Faraci, Directed by James Faraci” are shown as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays. We then see an image of James as he jumps through the portal and lands with half of his team on his right. The other half on his left is on a black background, and the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays. Cut to James looking at photos and reading over resumes) 

TLOTA: 
Okay, Claire Blackwelder and Robert Hayden, you will be auditioning for the roles of “Todd In The Shadows” and Lindsay Ellis! One Moment! (James turns towards the camera) I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. I’ve been keeping myself busy, obviously with work, and someone had decided that a joke I made should be real as A24 is making a movie based on a document that should have been grounds for a lawsuit against C.A. but instead is becoming a movie. One moment (James turns towards the setup) and begin! (Cut to Claire Blackwelder and Robert Hayden in the office) 

Claire Blackwelder: 
Todd, these jokes are disgusting; Doug is being a complete dick about these jokes, and poor Mathew has to talk about them. 

Robert Hayden: 
And Noah is really loving being in that Fucked Up Thong thing too much if you ask me. (Cut to James) 

TLOTA: 
Okay, Claire, I will ask that you come back in a couple of hours from now, Robert, can I speak to you in the lobby. (Cut to the two as they say, “Yeah.” Cut to James as he sits Robert Hayden down in the lobby on the couch) 

TLOTA: 
If I were to mention the letters AEW, what would you say? 

Robert Hayden: 
They’re not as bad as the Jacksonville Jaguars, but Tony Khan is still a schmuck. 

TLOTA: 
Huh, so you know a thing or two about actual sports? 

Robert: 
Rowdy keeps me up to speed. (Realizing he just gave himself away) DAMMIT! 

TLOTA: 
HAHA! I KNEW IT! (James uncovers the costume) The Wrestling Mark! 

The Wrestling Mark: 
Oh, come on, when I heard that A24 was producing a biopic, I wanted to meet with them to tell them how they could’ve done the most prominent movie they made last year. May I give context as to what I’m talking about? (James provides the Wrestling Mark the go-ahead. Cut to footage of World Class Championship Wrestling as The Wrestling Mark does a voiceover) 

Wrestling Mark (V.O.): 
So before Vincent Kennedy McMahon took over the wrestling world in the mid-1980s, pro wrestling was ruled by the hegemony of the National Wrestling Alliance and its collection of territories. Most wrestling fans of the 70s and early 80s were wrapped up in Georgia Championship Wrestling, thanks to it airing on WTBS with its owner Ted Turner taking the whole thing national through cable TV and turning Ric Flair and Dusty Rhodes into major stars. But by the early 80s, another territory started to draw the eyes of fans – especially if you lived in the Lone Star State. And that was the brainchild of former wrestling star Fritz Von Erich, World Class Championship Wrestling. Trust me, this old wrestling fan will never forget the sights, sounds, and especially SMELLS of the old Sportatorium on Industrial Boulevard in Dallas, and with KTVT Channel 11 gaining its own superstation status, World-Class wrestlers also became superstars. King Kong Bundy made a name for himself here, Gary Hart was one of the most despised managers ever, and the Fabulous Freebirds planted their feet as one of the best tag teams ever… but of course, the big stars were the Von Erich brothers - Kevin, David, Kerry, Mike, and Chris. (Cut to James and Mark Physically) 

TLOTA: 
So, are you saying there may have been a bit of nepotism going on in World Class? 

Mark: 
Well, let’s be glad THAT doesn’t happen nowadays… 

(TLOTA and Mark look right at the camera. Cut to clips of WCCW as The Mark does a voiceover)   

Mark (V.O.):  
Joking aside, The Von Erichs as wrestlers were meant to represent God, Family, and ‘Merica, and even Kevin admitted in interviews that while they were not always on their best behavior, even though they never did any real harm to anyone outside of themselves, the fans knew their hearts were good and they represented everything that’s supposed to be good in the world. However, as the 1980s went on, World Class Championship Wrestling and the Von Erich family suffered tragedy after tragedy, especially with the deaths of David, Mike, and Chris Von Erich in a relatively short time and eventually Kerry, who, by the start of the 1990s, was in the World Wrestling Federation as “The Texas Tornado” who eventually won the World Wrestling Federation’s Intercontinental Championship and would end his life and WCCW would be folded into the libraries of the WWF. (Cut to James and The Wrestling Mark in the lobby) 

The Wrestling Mark: 
Perfect for an autobiography film, am I right? (Cut to the title card of “The Iron Claw” as “Tom Sawyer” by RUSH plays, and it continues to play as clips of the movie are shown as James and The Wrestling Mark do voiceovers) 

The Wrestling Mark (V.O.): 
Premiering last year, “The Iron Claw” tries to tell the story of the tragedies of The Von Erich clan and fails miserably! 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
Okay, that’s one perspective to see, but if someone had no idea about pro wrestling before McMahon and his company's national expansion, this might be a window into what it was like back then. Are we in for an experience that will make us glad we went the way of the dodo? Or will we feel something for the survivors of the tragedies of a family torn apart by their hubris? (Cut to James and The Wrestling Mark physically) 

TLOTA: 
Before we begin, do you want to do a crossover with me? My numbers are down, and my reputation is shot to... (Claire Blackwelder coughs off-screen and says, “Hello!” Cut to Claire Blackwelder) 

Claire Blackwelder: 
Would you be okay with me helping you with the casting for the movie? (Cut to James and The Wrestling Mark) 

TLOTA: 
Go ahead. As I was saying, it won’t do your career any good. 

The Wrestling Mark: 
I was planning to torpedo my career with what I've planned for this summer anyway. Let’s get into (James and The Wrestling Mark hold out their right hands in the signal for The Iron Claw.) “The Iron Claw”! (Cut to footage of “The Iron Claw” as James and The Wrestling Mark do voiceovers.) 

The Wrestling Mark (V.O.): 
If we were to go over EVERYTHING this movie gets wrong about the Von Erich family and legacy, we’d be here for a long damn time, and there will be times when we will point out the differences between the movie and what really happened. But the fact that they omitted Chris Von Erich and blended his character and Mike’s into Mike's in the film, played by Stanley Simons, is a significant point AGAINST this movie. 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
The movie opens as we’re introduced to Fritz Von Erich, played by Holt McCallany, and Doris, played by Maura Tierney, with Fritz saying, “Once he has a championship, it’s going to get better.”  We then cut to the year 1979 as we’re introduced to the Von Erich brothers: Kevin, played by Zac Efron; David, played by Harris Dickinson; Mike, who you already discussed, is played by Stanley Simons; and Kerry, played by Jeremy Allen White as we see the Von Erichs at this time. Kevin is working at WCCW as a talent, David is almost ready to join the WCCW, Kerry was up for the Olympics in the Discus throw until Carter’s ban of the Olympics puts the kibosh on that hope, and Mike is a music lover.  

The Wrestling Mark (V.O.): 
As we can see, Fritz is not precisely the best parent, but the fact that he does have favorites means he’s not exactly up for Father of The Year. We also see Fritz working as the booker and manager in WCCW just as it is getting a spot on TV. After one event, Kevin meets with a pretty young thing named Pam, played by Lily James, and at least here, Zac Efron doesn’t have to embarrass himself at karaoke… 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
REALLY? You really had to go and reference High School Musical? 

Mark (pretending to ignore TLOTA)(V.O.):  
At the same time, Kevin is in line for the NWA World Heavyweight Championship as he takes on Harley Race in a non-title match to see if he can hold his own in a title match later on down the line. However, as the match ends in a disqualification win for Kevin, David steps in, cuts a promo on Harley, and shows his natural talent. In the meantime, the Olympics ban by Jimmy Carter caused Kerry to lose his chance at Olympic gold, which made Fritz tell Kerry to get into the family business, son, or else. Remember, according to the movie, Fritz is no great parent in any way, shape, or form. However, the courtship of Pam and Kevin moves ahead as Kevin talks about the fact he was the second-born son of Fritz and Doris and that Jack, who was the firstborn, touched an electrified Trailer tongue, and fell into a puddle of water, drowned, and dying instantly. We then see the Brothers and Pam help Mike get to a concert where he was supposed to perform. However, through a montage, we see how the Von Erich brothers are a successful six-man tag team after winning the NWA Six Man tag team championship and their infamous rivalry with The Fabulous Freebirds. We then see Fritz tell David that he must take a tour with Japan to get a shot at the NWA World Heavyweight Championship. Pam and Kevin walk down the aisle, and then, LINE DANCING! (Cut to the clip of the brothers and Pam doing the line dancing as it intercuts with James and The Wrestling Mark dancing the same Line Dancing jig. Cut to the movie as James and The Wrestling Mark do voiceovers.) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
We then time skip ahead to the first tragedy of the Von Erich family as Fritz hears about the death of his son David from Gastroenteritis. As the family mourns the loss of David, Fritz meets with Kevin and Kerry to see who will be replacing David at the Parade of Champions to honor the fallen David Von Erich, Fritz flips a coin, and Kerry goes for the championship as we see from the footage Kerry wins the belt as Doris sits at home with the ghost of David haunting her. 

The Wrestling Mark (V.O.): 
While that is dramatic and does show Doris’s maudlin about what is happening to her children, there is a massive problem with that scene. (Cut to the 1984 David Von Erich Parade of Champions WCCW event footage as The Wrestling Mark does a voiceover.) 

The Wrestling Mark (V.O.): 
DORIS WAS FRIGGING THERE! SHE WAS AT THE EVENT AS KERRY WON THE GOLD! I SHOULD KNOW, I WAS THERE IN THE CHEAP SEATS! (The footage of the David Von Erich Parade of Champions pauses as a record scratch is heard, and then James and The Wrestling Mark jump in.) 

TLOTA: 
Where? Where were you in the cheap seats? (The Wrestling Mark zooms the paused footage in until the two of them see the young Wrestling Mark cheering.) 

The Wrestling Mark: 
See little me right there? 

TLOTA: 
Oh yeah! 

The Wrestling Mark: 
Believe me, this was no small event. The 1984 Parade Of Champions drew more than 32 thousand people (about twice the seating capacity of Madison Square Garden) into the Dallas Cowboys’ stadium, and this was a year BEFORE the first WrestleMania, let alone THREE years before Wrestlemania III supposedly drew more than 90 thousand. Trust me, the ending to that main event was as emotionally draining as Owen Hart’s death in 1999 and was just as beautiful for a celebration of life. (Cut to footage of “The Iron Claw” as James and The Wrestling Mark do voiceovers.) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
After the event, everyone celebrates at the Von Erich house in Edam. Kerry decides to celebrate and mourn the loss of his brother by riding his motorcycle, and we then see him as his ride leaves him a foot short.  

The Wrestling Mark (V.O.): 
“A foot short?” what do you mean by... Ooh! I get it. And I have yet another gripe about this movie. KERRY DIDN’T LOSE HIS FOOT UNTIL A FEW YEARS AFTER HE WON, THEN LOST THE NWA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP! EVEN WORSE, LATER ON IN THIS MOVIE, KEVIN AND PAM DECIDE TO LEGALLY GIVE THEIR SON HIS LEGALLY KNOWN NAME OF ADKISSON, FEARING AN ALLEGED CURSE ON THE VON ERICH NAME! KEVIN NEVER BELIEVED IN THE VON ERICH CURSE! HE BELIEVED THAT A FAMILY HAD TO ENDURE THE WORST TO SEE THE BETTER MOMENTS IN LIFE! GAH! At any rate, Mike decides to step up and be in the ring as Kerry decides to make a prosthetic to stand and wrestle in. Eventually, the match that causes Mike to suffer an injury and then the botched surgery that causes Mike to suffer a coma due to Toxic Shock Syndrome comes to pass! While Mike is on the road to recovery, the crowds at WCCW start to dwindle, and not even help from “Cousin Lance,” as performed in a cameo by AEW Superstar Maxwell Jacob Friedman, can revive the company. With Fritz handing the territory to Kevin, tragedy number two happens as Mike’s last words are on a suicide note as Mike dies from a drug overdose! Fearing the curse, Kevin, still grieving from the death of two of his brothers, distances himself from his family. He also gets a shot at Ric Flair and the Championship; Kevin breaks as he puts the family’s signature move, “The Iron Claw.” onto Ric. However, he had left the hold on for too long and was disqualified, forcing Fritz to pull Kevin off Ric Flair. (Cut to James and The Wrestling Mark physically) 

TLOTA: 
And I know what you’re about to say: “THAT’S NOT HOW IT HAPPENED!” 

The Wrestling Mark: 
Exactly! (Cut to footage of “The Iron Claw” as James and The Wrestling Mark do voiceovers.) 

The Wrestling Mark (V.O.): 
Eventually, Kerry gets his break in the World Wrestling Federation, becoming "The Texas Tornado," and wins the Intercontinental Championship. Kevin and his family, Kerry and a lady he’s with, and Fritz and Doris celebrate the holidays as Kerry hands his father a gun he purchased for Christmas. Meanwhile, Kevin finds more joy in being with his family than running the WCCW, and he’s even pondering selling the territory to Jerry Jarrett (Jeff’s father). Which is quite remarkable, given that, in reality…. FRITZ ALREADY SOLD OFF WORLD-CLASS TO JARRETT FIVE YEARS EARLIER! RIGHT AFTER THE WORST WRESTLING SUPER-SHOW IN THE HISTORY OF EVER, SUPERCLASH THREE!!! Believe me, I’ll have a LOT to say about that debacle later this summer, which all of you can catch on rowdyc.com! 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
Did you just use an angry reviewer rant to plug your upcoming work? That’s impressive. 

Mark (V.O.): 
This is when Kevin gets a call from Kerry, feeling the pressure of everything going wrong and wanting to end himself. Kerry goes to Fritz and Doris’ home, and Fritz discovers that the gun Kerry bought for his father is gone. Kevin and Fritz look for Kerry, and a gunshot is heard as Kevin finds Kerry dead. And here I go again with one last problem with this movie! It wasn’t Kevin who found Kerry dead; IT WAS FRITZ! IT WAS KERRY BASICALLY LETTING HIS FATHER KNOW THAT EVERYTHING HE HAD DONE WRONG AS A FATHER WAS ON FRITZ, AND BY KILLING HIMSELF, IT WAS MEANT TO LET FRITZ KNOW FRITZ’S SHORTCOMINGS CAUSED THESE DEATHS! AND WHILE, YES, FRITZ AND KEVIN DID COME TO BLOWS, IT WASN’T KERRY’S DEATH THAT WAS THE STRAW THAT BROKE THE CAMEL’S BACK! IT WAS WHEN FRITZ, WHO WAS SUFFERING FROM CANCER AND WAS CRAZY AT THAT TIME, HELD THE SAME FRIGGING GUN THAT KERRY USED TO KILL HIMSELF AND TOLD KEVIN TO KILL HIMSELF WITH IT! KEVIN SAYING, “IT TAKES GUTS TO LIVE! NOT TO DIE!”  HOWEVER, THAT MOMENT DOESN’T HAPPEN IN THE MOVIE! KEVIN JUST PICKS UP AND THEN SAYS HIS FAREWELL TO KERRY! 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
We then find Kerry fully healed with both feet. We see him on a boat, and the coin that caused him to win the NWA World Heavyweight Championship lands when he meets with David and Mike. Even little Jack Jr. However, if this is supposed to be the Afterlife for the Von Erichs, there’s a problem, especially since if you kill yourself, your ass is stuck in limbo for the rest of eternity. Eventually, we see the same symbolism in the movie at the story's start in 1979, now feeling hollow as Fritz and Doris live separate lives. The film ends as Kevin talks to his two sons, Ross and Marshall, about how he misses his brothers, saying, “I used to have brothers, and now I’m not even a brother.” his sons say, “We’ll be your brothers!” we see Kevin’s family enjoying being together. We get a text about how The Von Erichs were placed in the WWE Hall Of Fame and How Kevin, Pam, and their four children and thirteen grandchildren are now in peace in the middle of Hawaii! To which I say, Aloha, and be at peace, Kevin. (Cut to James and The Wrestling Mark physically) 

The Wrestling Mark: 
An excellent way to end this movie, but GOD DAMN IT, THIS MOVIE WAS AS ENJOYABLE AS THE DAMNED BRAWL FOR ALL! (Cut to clips of “The Iron Claw” as “Don’t Fear the Reaper” by Blue Oyster Cult plays in the foreground as James and The Wrestling Mark do voiceovers) 

The Wrestling Mark (V.O.): 
I get that this is a docudrama, but when you feel you must take these many “creative liberties,” maybe you need to think twice about if you’re meant to be a filmmaker! The real-life story practically writes itself as a Greek tragedy – hell, the disaster of Superclash Three is such a perfect turning point that it makes no sense to be left out – so all you’re doing by changing up so much is trying to self-aggrandize your own writing skills, and if you want that – why not just create your own story instead of butchering other people’s real-life tragedy? 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
Okay, you make some excellent points about why this movie’s telling of the Von Erich legacy is flawed, but to me, the main thing I get out of this is that this feels like a love letter to a bygone era of professional wrestling. The acting was great, and the award nomination was worthy. Even though the time skips should’ve been more pronounced, the story was well-paced. Do I wish they had left Chris Von Erich in? Absolutely. Was it bad? Not really. Critics loved the movie, and it was a modest success getting its budget back, and I found myself enjoying it. If you want to look at the Wrestling business before the WWF took over everything, you’ll find out what it was like by watching this movie. If you want a more honest look at the Von Erich family, there are plenty of documentaries, and yes, I know I will get on Rowdy’s wrong side for this, but I suggest you also check out the “Dark Side Of The Ring” episode centered on the Von Erichs to understand the strength of “The Iron Claw” (Cut to James and The Wrestling Mark physically) 

TLOTA: 
Well, thanks for stopping by Wrestling Mark. I had better get back to work on the casting for... (The scene time skips to two weeks with James as he just got off the phone as The Wrestling Mark sits in James’ office) The movie has been canceled.  

The Wrestling Mark: 
What happened? 

TLOTA: 
Instead of the movie, the people who made the “Change The Channel” document decided to finally file the suit they should have years ago but didn’t until those fegulahs from Chicago threatened to sue A24 for defamation of character. I say something, but nobody does it. The assholes from Chicago threaten to file a suit, and that’s the sign that they should do so. They’re not even a part of that company anymore, and they STILL follow his lead! Oy vey! 

The Wrestling Mark: 
Well, think of it this way, you tried, and it didn’t work, so keep working away, it will get better.  

TLOTA: 
I hope so; thankfully, I learned my lesson from the failed “Even Stevens” continuation and only spent a small amount of money from the company, and while the rest is going back to A24, I only must pay them one thousand dollars that I spent on minor expenses. (Sighs)  

The Wrestling Mark: 
Just hang in there. It will get better! (James sits down, and The Wrestling Mark sits in a chair as the scene cuts between the two) 

TLOTA: 
I want to believe that. But things have gotten weird, even with my career and personal life down the toilet, and I’d rather not get into too much detail. 

The Wrestling Mark: 
Well, just look at it as your story is not finished! 

TLOTA: 
Really? Did you have to go with the Cody Rhodes angle? 

The Wrestling Mark: 
We’re internet comedians. Bad jokes are what we do. (Cut to James, who gives The Wrestling Mark a look that says, “You’ve got until the count of three before I get out of this chair and beat you within an inch of your life.” Cut to The Wrestling Mark, who has a terrified smile.) I’ll just see myself out.