Reality Checkout: Kevin Smith's and Superhero "Reality"

(Scene begins with a finger as it taps the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to the finger as it taps an app on his smart watch as it opens a portal, and it cuts to different images of James as the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun and Nick Yaun as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca & Rebecca and Nick Yaun” is shown as it then slides away to different images of John Ross and Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, and Ed Champion as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “John Ross Santos, Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, Ed Champion” is shown as it then slides away to different images of Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath and the credits of “Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” is shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays. Everything becomes a swirl of Reds, Whites, and Blues as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions. Edited by Eric Kurtzke and Paulo Fonseca. Written and Directed by James Faraci” as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays. We then see an outlined image of James as he morphs into “The Last Of The Americans” and lands with half of his team on his right. The other half on his left is on a white background, and the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays. Cut to James in his office)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and The Views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours, and welcome once again to Reality Checkout! (Cut to James as he walks around and comes to Chad Narducci's office; he storms in and sees red as he hands Chad Narducci a bill from Amazon that James had to pay, and James looks to see what Chad had bought, which has James even Angrier, and he tosses all of the purchases which were Reality TV Series on DVD into the most disgusting trashcan, and James tosses in small amounts of Flammable liquids and tosses a grenade, and it explodes with the slime and remnants of the DVDs spelling out Reality Checkout as the theme from "Welcome Freshmen" plays in the foreground. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Yes, even Kevin Smith and Superheroes aren't immune to being on Reality TV. But in this case, Reality TV actually works in favor of both, and I just said that, and it's making me question whether or not it's time for me to call it a career. (Cut to the title cards for "Who Wants To Be A Superhero?" and "Comic Book Men," then cut to both series as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
While yes, I normally would tear the cheesiness of one show and the latter's format to shreds. What keeps them from getting read the Riot Act is that the first series is about real people wanting to become real superheroes and do good, and the other is about love most of us share! COMIC BOOKS! So what about both shows that were entertaining enough for me to not tear them apart? (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Well, let's go ahead and check out our first series that dodges the rage of many in my profession, "Who Wants To Be A Superhero?" (Cut to clips of "Who Wants To Be A Superhero?" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And right from the start, we see what we're getting ourselves into. People are trying to be recognized as their superhero alter ego. Our host and judge of this contest is the late and legendary Stan Lee, and you can tell he wanted to make sure that he made the right choice for who he wanted to back as a superhero in a higher echelon of Superhero greatness. While sadly, neither hero impacted the Superhero Comic Book realm, they apparently impacted the definition of what a real "Superhero" can be. Now, I put the word superhero in quotation in that sentence because, for me, the Cape and Spandex crews of Marvel, DC, even Image, and IDW are fantastical ideals that people use for inspiration to better themselves. Still, if you think coming up with a costume, non-lethal weapons, or in the case of some real lethal weapons and think you can stop crime, then brother, you have issues that would send Sigmund Freud to the funny farm! (Cut to James physically as he looks at his attire.)

TLOTA:
What? I'm an internet reviewer; I have a right to look like this. (Cut to clips of "Kick-Ass" and "Kick-Ass 2" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
This is what both "Kick-Ass" movies tried to warn us about when it comes to playing "Superhero." Our actions have real-world consequences, especially when we decide to allow ourselves the right to eschew the people who use the legal system to put criminals away the right and legal way. For as much as we as a society have let vigilantes slide and allow them to play judge, jury, and, in many cases, executioner, the fact is they're in over their heads, and the escalation can come back in ways NO one should want nor would I wish upon them. But I digress.

(Cut to clips of "Who Wants To Be A Superhero?" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The series was short-lived, but again, what made the show memorable was Stan Lee and the fact that this series wanted to celebrate good people wanting to do good things. Yes, that was something that no actual "Reality" shows have done before or since the series premiered and then ended just as it got its bearings. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And yes, I went someplace that I thought would have it, and they laughed at me, rightfully so. But then again, knowing that this place was the center of an AMC reality show may make me look and sound like a hypocrite, but you know what? I've always wanted to go there and talk about the series. (Cut to the intro to "Comic Book Men," then the show clips as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Much akin to "Pawn Stars," "Comic Book Men" was the daily going ons at "Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash." The difference is it may have had its more outrageous moments like, say, having Dean Cain, aka TV's Superman from "Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman" and who was a part of "Smallville" and "Supergirl" celebrate with Superman fans Superman's birthday at the Stash or having Nichelle Nichols getting a Mego action figure version of herself in Mint Condition. The series always had more interesting events than even reality TV shows could have, like finding a collection of artwork that belonged to an artist and because the artist didn't have a 401k plan (Some bigger Comic Book companies had no respect for the artists and creators, still don't to this day) our crew rally together at auction to sell an entire collection for this artist's widow and family. Unlike other reality shows, where each one does a one-on-one with the camera to say what they had to say. They said it to each other and their host, Kevin Smith. Speaking of "The Host" and "Crew," the series consisted of Kevin Smith, Walt Flannigan, Ming Chen, Mike Zapcic & Bryan Johnson. They all had their parts. Kevin, of course, is the host. Walt is the defacto operator of the Stash, Bryan is the Randal Graves of the team, and Mike is the guy who comes in, does his job, and enjoys his life, especially when Hurricane Katrina came and decimated his collection and everyone rallied to help him rebuild it, and Ming, sadly, was the one who had to take everyone's crap, but that doesn't mean they hated him, far from it; what I liked was his optimism and his ability to be able to take everything they toss his way in stride and they occasionally threw the dude a bone, like having Freddy Krueger himself Robert Englund celebrate Ming's birthday. They even had an episode that I think was network-mandated in which they had to talk about "The Walking Dead," which, for those not in the Comic Book Know, was created by Robert Kirkman as a black-and-white indie comic and was distributed by Image Comics. However, whether or not it was simply not doing as well, seeing as how the aforementioned Walking Dead was their lead-in, they should've done Gangbusters ratings-wise, or whether it was simply the fact that AMC felt the show had run its course, The "Comic Book Men" were axed after a multiple year run which in my opinion was a wrong decision. Thankfully, the series has been getting shown in reruns on streaming services.  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
But for all intents and purposes, We could use these shows back, at least "Who Wants To Be A Superhero?" (Cut to clips from both shows as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As much as I would love to see less Reality TV and more shows with written and well-developed characters, stories, and plots. However, sometimes, we need to see the superhero within all of us, even at our lowest points in life. We can be inspired to be better than we are now. One place where we need to see more people being celebrated for being heroes is in Reality TV. While yes, there have been reality shows that showed our law enforcement in a strong and positive light in their own right. We also need to see if and how the ordinary person is inspired to improve by becoming a superhero and working within the law's legal status. We also need to see if they can be close to the echelon of great superheroes of our past in selling comic books, and we will always want to be able to see if we can achieve the standards they set for us. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
This means for the second time in a LONG time, not just one but two series in reality TV check out as good entertainment. (Cut to James on the rooftop of a building, revealing a shirt that says "Checks Out!" and falling screaming into a pile of trash! Cut to James in his office.) I'd like to know what else I will be hit with. Let me check the schedule. (James looks at his schedule) I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, and I will have, on the Linkara Combine Harvester mental breakdown scale, a "Future's End" level breakdown! See everyone in March! (James runs off screaming. The scene fades to black. We find James and Julia Alexa Miller as we cut to the island. She sadly hands James back his ring, and the song "Goodbye Pond" plays through the scene from the seventeen-second mark until the end of the song, and the two are centered silhouetted by a sunset.)

James Faraci:
I...

Julia Alexa Miller:
Don't make this harder for you and me than it should be. I know this is hurting you, killing you inside, but...

James Faraci:
I will always treasure what we mean to each other. I loved you and expected everything to happen differently.

Julia Alexa Miller:
Don't think that this is...

James Faraci:
It is. No matter how much we tried, there would never be a way this would work. She's calling for you. I will always love you, Julia Alexa Miller. 

Julia Alexa Miller:
And I will love you too, James Faraci. (Julia Alexa Miller grabs James' watch, and then the two kiss their last kiss as Julia Alexa Miller tearfully walks towards the ocean and becomes a mermaid for the final time. Cut to James as he looks down at the ring and throws the ring into the ocean. Verve picks it up and swims away, and James falls on his knees, crying, knowing it is over. The scene fades to black as the "To Be Continued In "The Last Of The Americans: The Movie" burns away.)

The "Dogma" of Kevin Smith

(Scene begins with the definition of “Disclaimer” from “Dogma” as it cuts to James in his office as he prepares while the opening music from the opening of “Dogma” plays as James takes his seat and then it cuts to black, and the same text used in the opening credits of “Dogma” with the words “The Last Of The Americans’ Kevin Smith Marathon.” and it cuts to James in the office.) 

TLOTA: 
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and The Views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Now it’s (A Woosh of flames are seen nearly offscreen knocks James out of his chair as an imposing voice screams “BEHOLD THE METATRON! HERALD OF THE ALMIGHTY AND VOICE OF THE ONE TRUE GOD!” repeatedly until James screams, “OKAY! I BEHOLD YOU! TURN THE FLAMES OFF YOU’LL SET OFF THE FIRE SUPPRESSION SYSTEMS!”  just as the fire suppression systems are set off and the Metatron played by Paulo Fonseca walks on to the set.) 

The Metatron: 
Wow! At least it’s a dry suppression system; one of us did this and got soaked down to their bones. 

TLOTA: 
Hi, James Faraci... 

The Metatron: 
The Last Of The Americans, we know about you above and below, and as I have said recently, I am The Metatron! And God is to charge you with a holy crusade to ensure something happens. 

TLOTA: 
I think he’s asking the wrong person. I haven’t had any luck in getting anything done.  

The Metatron: 
Well, it is something simple to help a fellow filmmaker regain the rights of a movie held by a demonic duo who holds it over his head to reclaim his soul. 

TLOTA: 
I think I know what you’re talking about, and I will review it. Maybe I can use the review to convince the audience to make an online petition to see if he can get it back. But only if people will check it out. So, let me do my review today.  

The Metatron: 
I am all for it (Cut to the opening credit of “Dogma” as “Mooby The Golden Calf” plays in the background, then clips to the movie as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
Released in 1999, and considered one of Kevin’s most blasphemous movies ever, (Cut to “Flops” Kevin has made as James says “Even more blasphemous than these movies.” Cut to clips of “Dogma” as James does a voiceover) “Dogma” was Kevin Smith’s tale of how even those we could consider unworthy of something great has a higher purpose than we expect, even if it's something that you thought it was something you were unworthy of. However, it has since become the ONLY movie of Kevin’s that has fallen into obscurity and not because it is a bad movie, I think it’s one of Kevin’s finest as it tackles taboos that very few would talk about in a mainstream movie and keep it funny as well. So why has it fallen into obscurity? What can this review do to revive it? Is this as blasphemous as everyone made it out to be? (Cut to James and The Metatron physically.) 

TLOTA: 
Let’s look at “Dogma”! (Cut to clips of “Dogma” as James does a voiceover) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
After a Disclaimer that basically says that even though the movie is a piece of fiction, a lot of what the movie is about talks about Catholic and Religious Lore, and it wants to do so in a humorous way and getting angry about the content of the movie is a waste of time for everyone or in the words of the MST3K theme song (Cut to the latest version of the theme as Tom Servo sings “It’s just a show, I should really just relax.” Cut to clips of “Dogma” as James does a voiceover), We soon find ourselves at the Jersey Shore Boardwalk as we see three punks pummel an unknown person nearly to death, then to a catholic church as we find Cardinal Glick played by the immortally beloved George Carlin as he plans to do something big, starting off with the retirement of the Catholic Sigil for something more inspiring, something called “The Buddy Christ” as his first step to bring Catholicism to the mainstream. (Cut to James and The Metatron physically) 

TLOTA: 
Of course, one time they tried that, didn’t that lead to The Spanish Inquisition? (Cut to a trio of Cardinals as they jump out of nowhere as the Monty Python Shock music of the Spanish Inquisition) 

The Grand Inquisitor: 
NOBODY EXPECTS... Oh wait, that’s The Metatron! We didn’t expect you! RUN AWAY! (The three whoop and make groaning noises ala Curly from The Three Stooges/ Dr. Zoidberg from “Futurama.” While screaming, “RUN AWAY!” Cut to clips of “Dogma” as James does a voiceover) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
We soon find Loki, played by Matt Damon, as he talks about the poem talked about in “Alice Through The Looking Glass” entitled “The Walrus and The Carpenter” and how it is an allegory of the Western and Eastern religions. After telling this to A NUN! Loki soon meets up with Bartleby, played by Ben Affleck, at the Airport, where he tells Loki about how a Church that Cardinal Glick is using as a secondary step towards bringing Catholicism to the mainstream with a Papal set Sanction, a Church will be blessed with Plenary Indulgence which allows those who go through its arches a Morally Clean Slate. This gives Bartleby and Loki the idea that if they transubstantiate and become human, they go through the arches, die, and return to heaven. For those who might just be putting it together, Bartleby and Loki are disgraced angels who have been banished to Wisconsin. Why are they in Wisconsin? What did they do to be thrown out of Heaven? Patience Grasshopper. When the two talk about Dogmatic Law, in which God must adhere to the Papal Sanction, they think they’re heading home. However, Loki does have One last bit of work he wants to take care of before getting to the business. He thinks it would be a good idea for him to return to his old job as the Angel of Vengeance by wishes to lay waste to the people who make a character called “Mooby, The Golden Calf.” (Show clip of Loki and Bartleby talking about how long it is until the dedication of the Church with the Plenary Indulgence sanction. Cut to James and The Metatron physically) 

TLOTA: 
Really, that long? I wasted my life and have so many regrets that I know will keep those pearly gates shut. 

The Metatron: 
If you knew what we know about you, you’d be surprised about your fate. (Cut to clips of “Dogma” as James does a voiceover) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
We soon find ourselves in McHenry, Illinois, as we meet women’s clinic worker Bethany as we see her in church and then at the clinic as she and her friend, played by Janine Garafalo, talk about Bethany’s personal life or rather lack thereof, and Bethany’s beliefs in God. We then find ourselves amid suburbia as we’re introduced to the boss of the triplets that took the old man out, the demon Azrael, played by Jason Lee. Azrael uses the suburban house they’ve taken as their base of operations, then remembers protocol. With our protective deity incapacitated, they will call upon the Last Scion, and Azrael orders his minions to shuffle The Last Scion out of the mortal coil. Here, Bethany’s life takes a turn for the weird as Metatron arrives and takes Bethany to a nearby Mexican restaurant. I will let Metatron explain the situation. (Cut to The Metatron as he explains to Bethany the Situation of Loki being the Angel of Vengeance, and after the tenth plague, he and Bartleby, A Grigori, decide to have a post-slaughter drink and get into a drunk talk about whether killing in the name of God is right, Bartleby convinces Loki to quit and the two are then expelled from Heaven and forced to live in Wisconsin until the end of time and when the world ends they’ll be forced to stay outside the gates of heaven for all eternity. How someone clued the two into finding the Church and the loophole through Catholic Dogma that if the two enter the church that has the plenary indulgence blessing, they will have reversed God’s Decree, and if they do that, they’ll destroy the universe. Bethany’s responses of how when everything has gone wrong in her life where she’s willing to sacrifice the universe because she feels god’s absence. However, the Metatron tells Bethany that she will not be alone if she chooses to go on this journey. She will be blessed with two profits. (Show clip of The Metatron telling Bethany about the two profits. Cut to “Dogma” as James does a voiceover) Okay, so these profits will find her and help her on the journey, and before I forget, there’s a four-day time span for Bethany to stop Loki and Bartleby starting from this point. Before the end of the first day, Bethany is attacked by Azrael’s minions and... (Cut to James and The Metatron physically) 

TLOTA: 
Wait, the one who speaks, and he will at great lengths whether Bethany likes it or not, and the other one is the silent type. And this is a Kevin Smith movie, which means the profits are... (Cut to the movie as “Jay & Silent Bob,” introducing themselves as they beat Azrael’s minions and then introducing themselves to Bethany. Cut to James in the Super Mario Bros. Movie review as the Maw-Ray is about to eat him, Mario and Donkey Kong, and James says, "Of Course!" Cut to clips of “Dogma” as James does a voiceover)   

TLOTA (V.O.):  
So yeah, the profits WOULD be Jay and Silent Bob. Bethany asks why Jay and Silent Bob are in Illinois, and according to Jay, it’s about John Hughes and thinking that they could be the 420 connection in Shermer, Illinois. However, they discover that Shermer, Illinois, is fictional. Bethany then asks Jay and Silent Bob to take her to New Jersey meanwhile, Loki decides to ready himself for his personal side adventure to wipe out the people who produce “Mooby, The Golden Calf,” as the two groups hit the road, Loki and Bartleby head west towards their first destination as Bethany’s car breaks down and in a moment of frustration, Bethany decides to walk home when she, Jay and Silent Bob are met by Rufus, the thirteenth apostle, played by Chris Rock. While they return on the road, Azrael’s minions tell their boss that Bethany has found the Profits and the thirteenth apostle has joined their quest. Pissed at this revelation, Azrael decides to bring in the big gun with the Golgothian! While that happens, Rufus tells Bethany, Jay, and Bob who he is and tells us a secret about Bethany and Jay. (Show the clip of Rufus as he tells Bethany’s secret and then Jay’s. Cut to James and The Metatron physically.) 

TLOTA:  
Why does that not surprise me about Jay? (Cut to clips of “Dogma” as James does a voiceover)   

TLOTA (V.O.): 
Feeling the fraught of the adventure so far, Bethany is up to her eyebrows with so much; Rufus and Bethany forget about Jay and Silent Bob. Thankfully, they quickly meet up at a strip joint where Salma Hayek is enticing the patrons as... WAIT A SECOND?! (Record Scratches as the footage stops) MING CHEN FROM “COMIC BOOK MEN”?! (Cut to James and The Metatron physically.) 

TLOTA: 
Now, I will schedule Reality Checkout to deal with “Comic Book Men,” thanks to that little bit. (Cut to clips of “Dogma” as James does a voiceover)   

TLOTA (V.O.): 
So after that revelation, we find Bartleby and Loki at the headquarters of “Mooby”’s parent company; we see the members of the board are met by the renegade angels as they condemn the board as Idolators with Bartleby exposing their sins, save for the only woman there who leads a good life. With their sins exposed, Loki puts one last scare into the head of the board until... (Cut to James and the Metatron physically.) 

TLOTA: 
What? 

The Metatron: 
You know what you did, and you based the moment on what happened in the movie in a review you did nearly ten years ago, so play the clip and get it over with.  

TLOTA: 
I was going to! (Cut to the end of The Last Of The Americans’ “Green Hornet” Review as James shouts, “But I do believe in this!” as James pulls out Chudnofsky’s Double Barreled Handgun and the entire TMZ bullpen gets shot to death, starting with the Cameraman then cutting to Rowdy as he says “I do believe in this! What the frack does that mean?” and James shouts over Rowdy’s phone “And one to grow on!” then James picks Karen up, saving her, gives her gum, chides her for not saying “God Bless You” when James sneezed, Rowdy telling James to back off and James angrily walks away saying to Karen “Your ass is so fucking lucky!” Cut to James and The Metatron physically) 

TLOTA: 
Well, to be fair, (Cut to Team TLOTA as they sing “To Be Fair” in the same way as Letterkenny, then back to James and The Metatron.) It was TMZ, so I was doing humanity a favor, which was a fat lot of nothing, as somehow, they survived and decided not to press charges. (Cut to clips of “Dogma” as James does a voiceover)    

TLOTA (V.O.): 
After that slaughter, we soon meet Salma Hayek’s character, Serendipity the Muse, who was the reason for nineteen of twenty of the highest-grossing movies ever up to 1999. So yeah, those movies we enjoyed were the best until 1999; we have Hayek to thank for, save for “Home Alone.” But there’s a big old pile of poop that is growing in the men’s room as Bethany, The Muse, and Rufus talk about the Catholic Plenary Indulgence belief, how Gender Biased the Bible is, and the fact that Bethany is The Last Scion until The Golgothian finally goes on the attack. Wasting most of the patrons, Silent Bob knocks The Golgothian out with Anti-Stink Spray. The muse decides to interrogate The Golgothian as Bethany, Jay, Silent Bob, and Rufus get back on the road to the Church. Meanwhile, Azrael meets up with Bartleby and Loki, who are about to fly when he tells the two to go incognito while trying to keep them on the ground. After Rufus and Bethany briefly talk about the differences between beliefs and thoughts. Bethany finds Jay and Silent Bob, and YIKES! (Cut to James and The Metatron physically) 

TLOTA: 
I know the line between plot convenience and circumstance is as thin as a hair, but this is even thinner than that! (Cut to clips of “Dogma” as James does a voiceover)    

TLOTA (V.O.): 
Bartleby and Loki, under the guise of Barry and Larry, meet with Jay, Silent Bob, and Bethany. Loki fakes taking a hit off Jay’s Joint, and Bartleby and Bethany imbibe and divulge secrets until hearing Bethany’s story about how she must stop both angels. Bartleby slowly starts to go a little cuckoo. Of course, Leave it to Rufus, The Thirteenth Apostle, to add to Bartleby’s anger and madness. Of course, Loki's pimp punching Jay’s Lights out sends Silent Bob on the attack, tossing Loki off the train, then Bartleby, and I swear, I have tried everything to translate whatever the hell Bartleby is saying, and it still sounds like gibberish! (Cut to the clip of Silent Bob grabbing Bartleby; question marks are present as Bartleby speaks as he’s thrown off the train. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover) Regrouping, Loki and Bartleby discuss what’s happening and what’s going on with Loki realizing that Bartleby has officially lost it and decides to schlep back to Wisconsin until Bartleby forces Loki to stay on the course. Meanwhile, the secret of why Bethany is the Last Scion and was tapped to go on the crusade is clear. (Show a clip of Rufus as he tells Bethany she is a descendant of Jesus. Cut to James and The Metatron physically) 

TLOTA: 
Of course, she handles this news with the weight and gravitas it deserves... (Show clip of Bethany frustrated and running away from everyone. Cut to James and The Metatron physically.) 

TLOTA: 
Never mind. (Cut to clips of “Dogma” as James does a voiceover)    

TLOTA (V.O.): 
Frustrated and exhausted, Bethany suffers a breakdown. Thankfully, The Metatron comforts her and helps her accept that she is a descendant of Jesus. The Metatron then decides to take everyone to a swanky place nearby. The Metatron then divulges that God assumes a human form and indulges in Skee-Ball once a month. On God’s latest Skee-Ball excursion, someone or something incapacitated God’s human form and kept it biologically still alive, and with all options exhausted, Jay comes up with an idea to convince Cardinal Glick to 86 the ceremony to officially bless the church with the Plenary Indulgence papal sanction. However, their pleas fall on Deaf Ears as the next day comes, which happens to be the day of the blessing. Wondering what their next move should be, everyone knows they must kill the angels. (Cut to James and The Metatron physical.) 

TLOTA:  
Okay, quick question, can an angel be killed, and if so, do they go to a purgatory place? 

The Metatron:  
They can, and when they do, they will be judged for what they have done, and THEN it will be up to God to determine their fate. (James goes, “Hmm.” Cut to clips of “Dogma” as James does a voiceover)    

TLOTA (V.O.): 
However, Azrael decides to keep Bethany from doing the job by holding her and the others in the bar as he orders a Holy Bartender. (Show the clip of Azrael mowing down the bartender with bullets as he and his minions hold everyone else hostage as Jay says, “Holy Bartender! That’s a great one!” Cut to James and The Metatron.) 

TLOTA: 
Kind of, but not really! (Cut to clips of “Dogma” as James does a voiceover)    

TLOTA (V.O.): 
Loki and Bartleby soon arrive at a church full of parishioners and are hell-bent on giving them all a guilty judgment, and Officer McGee gets the Zod in “Man Of Steel” treatment, literally! Back at the bar, Azrael explains that he has had it and wants to end it all, all because he didn’t want to fight when Lucifer decided to go against God for the throne in Heaven and was then pushed into hell and after those that, willingly fought with Lucifer was thrown down with them as well as those who wimped out and decided to throw them down with Lucifer. As Azrael continues his pontification about how he’d rather not exist than be a demon and is willing to throw eons of existence down the drain with him, he’s happy to do that. However, the muse silently tells Silent Bob to take Azrael down with a golf club the Cardinal used. As for the triplets? One sink blessed by Bethany, and they are done! (Show clip of “Dogma” as the muse talks about how Bethany has the divine heritage to bless the sink, and Bethany tells Jay and Silent Bob that the Golf Club was blessed by The Cardinal because he uses God for everything and Jay says, “The Whole World Is Against Us Dude, I swear to God!” Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
Our heroes make it to the church just as Loki has transubstantiated to human form as Bartleby is purging eons of aggression by taking out the entire parishioners and then as Bartleby lands and lets our heroes know, he is aware of the consequences of his actions. Once Bartleby is human, he will go through the church, and that’s the end of it all. However, Loki, drunk as all get out, decides to stop his former compatriot. He doesn’t do a good job as Bartleby prison shanks Loki. As the others hold Bartleby at bay, Jay proves useful as he tries to get into Bethany and mentions John Doe Jersey, how John Doe Jersey was found on the boardwalk and near a Skee-Ball area, and how close they are to the hospital John Doe Jersey is. Bethany may have put it together; now it’s up to Jay, The Muse, and Rufus to hold Bartleby at bay as Silent Bob takes Bethany to find John Doe Jersey as Jay makes the biggest mistake he would ever make, second only to when he signed away the names “Jay & Silent Bob” to the producers to of a reboot of a movie that was produced by the same people who made “Power Rangers.” (Show clip of Jay shooting the wings off Bartleby as James and The Metatron as they duck as the bullets whiz through everything. Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
With the movie now racing towards the finish, Bethany finds John Doe Jersey just in time for Bartleby to reach the doors of the church and God to be released, and yes, in this movie, God is played by Alanis Morrisette, meaning my buddy Rowdy is fuming over this. However, there is one point that I don’t watch, not because I’m not interested, but because if I did... (Cut to James and The Metatron) 

James: 
How did you say What happened to the other five Adams? 

The Metatron: 
Their minds caved in, and their hearts exploded in their chests. My doppelganger is about to tell The Muse and The Apostle what’s about to happen and for The Apostle to tell Jay to bow before God before God does what it must. (Cut to the clip of Rufus telling Jay to Bow down as Bartleby has a cathartic release. The Metatron tells Rufus and The Muse to cover Jay’s ears as God unleashes the power of God’s voice as Bartleby goes boom! Cut to James as he just gets up with his shattered glasses as he takes them off.) 

TLOTA: 
You know your doppelganger says it best when he says, “It never ends!” (James takes off his shattered glasses and then replaces them with the same frame with new lenses. Cut to clips of “Dogma” as James does a voiceover)    

TLOTA (V.O.): 
Jay is quickly comforted by God after everything he’s had to go through, and after cleaning up the mess Bartleby and Loki had done, she sees Bethany, mostly dead, being carried by Silent Bob and heals her. After that, The Metatron gives Bethany a gift, then welcomes The Muse and Rufus back home, and the movie ends with Jay, Silent Bob, and Bethany relaxing after the events of the near end of the world outside the Church. (Cut to James and The Metatron) 

TLOTA: 
And that was “Dogma.” Is it blasphemously sacrilegious? Based on your point of view, the answer is either Yes or no. For me, it is not. Is it funny? Yes. Does the movie deserve to be better seen and recognized? YES. Is it one of the best Kevin Smith made? Yes, but there’s a big reason it isn’t getting recognition. (Cut to clips of “Dogma” as James does a voiceover)    

TLOTA (V.O.): 
This is what I was waiting for. The reason this review nearly didn’t happen is that the rights to the movie are owned by the devils known as The Weinstein Brothers, and they have refused to allow the movie to be streamed legally; if you find someone putting it up on YouTube, know that it’s a DVD/Blu-Ray rip of it. As Kevin Smith said, “My Movie about Angels is owned by The Devil Himself.” If there are online petitions to give the movie back to Kevin Smith and allow it to be released digitally, put them in the comments section so I can sign them. Otherwise, get the movie at “Jay & Silent Bob’s Secret Stash” in New Jersey. It’s not a condemnation of religion but rather a celebration of it. A reaffirmation that faith is the strongest source of strength, even in man's darkest hour. If you have it, then I suggest you check it out, it is one of the funniest movies I ever seen, and it makes Good Friday even better. (Cut to James and The Metatron.) 

The Metatron: 
Congratulations, you have completed your mission.  

TLOTA: 
Wait what? You wanted me to do what I was going to do to celebrate Kevin Smith.  

The Metatron: 
The more talk about the movie “Dogma,” the more people will rally around Kevin Smith and his cause to bring “Dogma” back from obscurity. I shall see myself out! (The Metatron disappears as James sits there now, mentally contemplating what he’s been through. The scene fades to black as it cuts to James and Julia Alexa Miller as they try to collect their senses in a makeshift hut.) 

James Faraci: 
Damn it, the battery on the watch is so low, I can’t morph and use my powers. I’d been walking for months without remembering anything after what happened in August. I mean, slowly, everything was coming back to me, but whatever that voice was telling me to “Go West,” I had no idea what the reason was, and you were just trapped as a mermaid the whole time.  

Julia Alexa Miller: 
I was trying early on to shed the tail, find you, and get back to normal. I was ambushed by those three... (Julia Alexa Miller groans as a vision of Maritina, Oceana, and Aquafina comes through.) 

Maritina: 
Return to us, Verve! You... 

Oceana: 
Are one... 

Aquafina: 
OF US! (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller as James supports her.) 

James Faraci: 
What is it? 

Julia Alexa Miller: 
The three of them want me back (Julia Alexa Miller screams in pain and faints into James as the leader of the pod, played by Hannah Frasier, shouts off-screen, “Human! Face me now!” James lays Julia Alexa Miller down on a makeshift cot made of Bamboo.) 

James Faraci: 
Okay, no powers, no plans or backup plans, no friends, nothing left to lose, I guess this is it. (James makeshifts a solar charger for his watch morpher and slowly makes his way towards the coast where the pod resides as the waters surround the leader of the pod “Lacustrine,” played by Hannah Frasier, as she quickly sheds her tail for legs to confront James) 

Lacustrine: 
I am Lacustrine, who are you? (Cut to James) 

James Faraci: 
Well, well, that is the million-dollar question. Who am I? The question we all ask ourselves. I’ve gone by an alter ego calling himself “The Last Of The Americans,” but is that me or who I play for making a brand and using my name as part of that? My name is James, and you can call me that, so I need to know something. Were you the voice in my head telling me to “Go West”? (Cut to Lacustrine) 

Lacustrine: 
Why would I tell anyone to “Go West” only to come here, if I may? (Cut to James) 

James Faraci: 
One moment! (James turns around and notices his Morpher function and watch are twenty-five percent. He turns back and then allows her to look inside his head. Lacustrine does a mind meld as she sees what’s in his head and discovers that he knew only nothing about what her species was like but somehow found himself here.) 

Lacustrine: 
It was her; she brought you here. Emmalina! She brought Verve to us, Alex, according to you. Maritina! Oceana! Aquafina! Come to me.  (Maritina, Oceana and Aquafina join Lacustrine) You told me Verve was a rogue in need of a pod! You lied to me! (Lacustrine disintegrates the three to seafoam, and James is knocked back as James looks at the watch and sees a fifty percent charge.) As for you, James, I give you this, Emmalina wanted to emancipate what she gave you. A test you subconsciously passed.  (Cut to James, who sees his watch is at sixty-five percent charged as he mutters, “I’d only last ten minutes at best.”) 

James Faraci: 
How did I pass? (Cut to Lacustrine) 

Lacustrine: 
You made it here. Now you and Alex, or as I have known her as Verve, can choose to stay together, or she and you can stay together here in what you would consider Paradise. Land for you to hunt and fish enough for your needs. You can stay on the island, and Verve can return to the pod. If you choose to leave, everything you and Alex have been through will be forgotten, and you will return to where you once were. (Julia Alexa Miller walks up to the two, grabs James by the wrist, and kisses James.) 

Julia Alexa Miller: 
We can’t go back to the way things were. The three you just reduced to seafoam have welcomed me to the pod. I found as much as I could enjoy my time with the pod fun, I needed to make a change for myself, and I chose... (Cut to everyone in Rowdy’s tent just as the Ninja Cats have told all the exposition they could.) 

Marzgurl: 
So, let’s get this straight, Rowdy brought you guys to life from a Genie wish, which he freed with his last wish. (Cut to the Ninja Cats as they say, “Yep.” Cut to ERod, The Blockbuster Buster) 

ERod The Blockbuster Buster: 
And you four, fight a mad scientist with a legitimate business making devices of doom. (Cut to the Ninja Cats as they say, “Yep.” Cut to Linkara) 

Linkara: 
And you guys and Rowdy do reviews of TV Shows? (Cut to the Ninja Cats as they say, “Yep.” Cut to Nash Bozard) 

Nash Bozard: 
And this is normal for you? (Cut to the Ninja Cats as they say, “Yep.” Cut to James Daniel Walsh) 

James Daniel Walsh: 
And since you know what is up with Rowdy, James, and Manic-Expression.com, Rowdy asked us for help. You turned him away, and didn’t you say we needed to care for ourselves and help when we needed a helping hand? Yet someone asks you for help, and you give him hell. Does that mentality remind you of someone you guys know? (Cut to Linkara) 

Linkara: 
He and you guys haven’t been through what we have been through. We were lied to, manipulated, forced to do things against our will, and not even compensated. (Cut to James Daniel Walsh) 

James Daniel Walsh: 
AND THAT’S ALL RIGHT TO ACT THE WAY YOU DOTHEN! (Everyone starts to open their mouths, and then they realize they’ve been Jackasses to everyone below them. Cut to Rowdy as he preps an arsenal of weapons, and a ghostly figure comes up behind him, scaring Rowdy) 

Rowdy: 
What’s going on? (The ghostly figure being Kirakennedy as Kirobi-Wan Kenobiddy comes before Rowdy) 

Kirobi-Wan Kenobiddy: 
I am using the Internet Reviewer Force to contact you about some rather sad news. James and Alex are no more. 

Rowdy: 
Okay, I’m not in a good mood right now, so you best spit out what it is before I find your physical body and break it into a billion pieces! 

Kirobi-Wan Kenobiddy: 
Your anger will not help matters; fate has made itself known. James lives, but Alex is now on a different path; she must be without James.  

Rowdy: 
So, it’s over. James will walk alone forever? 

Kirobi-Wan Kenobiddy: 
No, he will find hope again; he must wander in the wilderness on his journey. If everything allows, and based on your combined track records, it will be a while before James recovers. He will return, but he won’t be the same. (Kirobi-Wan Kenobiddy fades away as Rowdy waves off what transpired and returns to preparing to fight as a one-man fighting squad.)