(Scene begins with a finger as it taps the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to the finger as it taps an app on his smart watch as it opens a portal, and it cuts to different images of James as the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun and Nick Yaun as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca & Rebecca and Nick Yaun” is shown as it then slides away to different images of John Ross and Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, and Ed Champion as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “John Ross Santos, Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, Ed Champion” is shown as it then slides away to different images of Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath and the credits of “Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” is shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays. Everything becomes a swirl of Reds, Whites, and Blues as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions. Edited by Eric Kurtzke and Paulo Fonseca. Written and Directed by James Faraci” as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays. We then see an outlined image of James as he morphs into “The Last Of The Americans” and lands with half of his team on his right. The other half on his left is on a white background, and the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays. Cut to James in his office)
TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and The Views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours, and welcome once again to Reality Checkout! (Cut to James as he walks around and comes to Chad Narducci's office; he storms in and sees red as he hands Chad Narducci a bill from Amazon that James had to pay, and James looks to see what Chad had bought, which has James even Angrier, and he tosses all of the purchases which were Reality TV Series on DVD into the most disgusting trashcan, and James tosses in small amounts of Flammable liquids and tosses a grenade, and it explodes with the slime and remnants of the DVDs spelling out Reality Checkout as the theme from "Welcome Freshmen" plays in the foreground. Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Yes, even Kevin Smith and Superheroes aren't immune to being on Reality TV. But in this case, Reality TV actually works in favor of both, and I just said that, and it's making me question whether or not it's time for me to call it a career. (Cut to the title cards for "Who Wants To Be A Superhero?" and "Comic Book Men," then cut to both series as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
While yes, I normally would tear the cheesiness of one show and the latter's format to shreds. What keeps them from getting read the Riot Act is that the first series is about real people wanting to become real superheroes and do good, and the other is about love most of us share! COMIC BOOKS! So what about both shows that were entertaining enough for me to not tear them apart? (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Well, let's go ahead and check out our first series that dodges the rage of many in my profession, "Who Wants To Be A Superhero?" (Cut to clips of "Who Wants To Be A Superhero?" as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
And right from the start, we see what we're getting ourselves into. People are trying to be recognized as their superhero alter ego. Our host and judge of this contest is the late and legendary Stan Lee, and you can tell he wanted to make sure that he made the right choice for who he wanted to back as a superhero in a higher echelon of Superhero greatness. While sadly, neither hero impacted the Superhero Comic Book realm, they apparently impacted the definition of what a real "Superhero" can be. Now, I put the word superhero in quotation in that sentence because, for me, the Cape and Spandex crews of Marvel, DC, even Image, and IDW are fantastical ideals that people use for inspiration to better themselves. Still, if you think coming up with a costume, non-lethal weapons, or in the case of some real lethal weapons and think you can stop crime, then brother, you have issues that would send Sigmund Freud to the funny farm! (Cut to James physically as he looks at his attire.)
TLOTA:
What? I'm an internet reviewer; I have a right to look like this. (Cut to clips of "Kick-Ass" and "Kick-Ass 2" as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
This is what both "Kick-Ass" movies tried to warn us about when it comes to playing "Superhero." Our actions have real-world consequences, especially when we decide to allow ourselves the right to eschew the people who use the legal system to put criminals away the right and legal way. For as much as we as a society have let vigilantes slide and allow them to play judge, jury, and, in many cases, executioner, the fact is they're in over their heads, and the escalation can come back in ways NO one should want nor would I wish upon them. But I digress.
(Cut to clips of "Who Wants To Be A Superhero?" as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The series was short-lived, but again, what made the show memorable was Stan Lee and the fact that this series wanted to celebrate good people wanting to do good things. Yes, that was something that no actual "Reality" shows have done before or since the series premiered and then ended just as it got its bearings. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And yes, I went someplace that I thought would have it, and they laughed at me, rightfully so. But then again, knowing that this place was the center of an AMC reality show may make me look and sound like a hypocrite, but you know what? I've always wanted to go there and talk about the series. (Cut to the intro to "Comic Book Men," then the show clips as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Much akin to "Pawn Stars," "Comic Book Men" was the daily going ons at "Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash." The difference is it may have had its more outrageous moments like, say, having Dean Cain, aka TV's Superman from "Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman" and who was a part of "Smallville" and "Supergirl" celebrate with Superman fans Superman's birthday at the Stash or having Nichelle Nichols getting a Mego action figure version of herself in Mint Condition. The series always had more interesting events than even reality TV shows could have, like finding a collection of artwork that belonged to an artist and because the artist didn't have a 401k plan (Some bigger Comic Book companies had no respect for the artists and creators, still don't to this day) our crew rally together at auction to sell an entire collection for this artist's widow and family. Unlike other reality shows, where each one does a one-on-one with the camera to say what they had to say. They said it to each other and their host, Kevin Smith. Speaking of "The Host" and "Crew," the series consisted of Kevin Smith, Walt Flannigan, Ming Chen, Mike Zapcic & Bryan Johnson. They all had their parts. Kevin, of course, is the host. Walt is the defacto operator of the Stash, Bryan is the Randal Graves of the team, and Mike is the guy who comes in, does his job, and enjoys his life, especially when Hurricane Katrina came and decimated his collection and everyone rallied to help him rebuild it, and Ming, sadly, was the one who had to take everyone's crap, but that doesn't mean they hated him, far from it; what I liked was his optimism and his ability to be able to take everything they toss his way in stride and they occasionally threw the dude a bone, like having Freddy Krueger himself Robert Englund celebrate Ming's birthday. They even had an episode that I think was network-mandated in which they had to talk about "The Walking Dead," which, for those not in the Comic Book Know, was created by Robert Kirkman as a black-and-white indie comic and was distributed by Image Comics. However, whether or not it was simply not doing as well, seeing as how the aforementioned Walking Dead was their lead-in, they should've done Gangbusters ratings-wise, or whether it was simply the fact that AMC felt the show had run its course, The "Comic Book Men" were axed after a multiple year run which in my opinion was a wrong decision. Thankfully, the series has been getting shown in reruns on streaming services. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
But for all intents and purposes, We could use these shows back, at least "Who Wants To Be A Superhero?" (Cut to clips from both shows as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
As much as I would love to see less Reality TV and more shows with written and well-developed characters, stories, and plots. However, sometimes, we need to see the superhero within all of us, even at our lowest points in life. We can be inspired to be better than we are now. One place where we need to see more people being celebrated for being heroes is in Reality TV. While yes, there have been reality shows that showed our law enforcement in a strong and positive light in their own right. We also need to see if and how the ordinary person is inspired to improve by becoming a superhero and working within the law's legal status. We also need to see if they can be close to the echelon of great superheroes of our past in selling comic books, and we will always want to be able to see if we can achieve the standards they set for us. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
This means for the second time in a LONG time, not just one but two series in reality TV check out as good entertainment. (Cut to James on the rooftop of a building, revealing a shirt that says "Checks Out!" and falling screaming into a pile of trash! Cut to James in his office.) I'd like to know what else I will be hit with. Let me check the schedule. (James looks at his schedule) I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, and I will have, on the Linkara Combine Harvester mental breakdown scale, a "Future's End" level breakdown! See everyone in March! (James runs off screaming. The scene fades to black. We find James and Julia Alexa Miller as we cut to the island. She sadly hands James back his ring, and the song "Goodbye Pond" plays through the scene from the seventeen-second mark until the end of the song, and the two are centered silhouetted by a sunset.)
James Faraci:
I...
Julia Alexa Miller:
Don't make this harder for you and me than it should be. I know this is hurting you, killing you inside, but...
James Faraci:
I will always treasure what we mean to each other. I loved you and expected everything to happen differently.
Julia Alexa Miller:
Don't think that this is...
James Faraci:
It is. No matter how much we tried, there would never be a way this would work. She's calling for you. I will always love you, Julia Alexa Miller.
Julia Alexa Miller:
And I will love you too, James Faraci. (Julia Alexa Miller grabs James' watch, and then the two kiss their last kiss as Julia Alexa Miller tearfully walks towards the ocean and becomes a mermaid for the final time. Cut to James as he looks down at the ring and throws the ring into the ocean. Verve picks it up and swims away, and James falls on his knees, crying, knowing it is over. The scene fades to black as the "To Be Continued In "The Last Of The Americans: The Movie" burns away.)
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