The Powers That Be: Powers "That Shagged"

(Scene begins as James is sitting in his living room.)

James Faraci:
Before continuing The Last Of The Americans' three-month season premiere, I want to send my condolences to Eric Rodriguez, AKA E-Rod The Blockbuster Buster. On January 23, 2022, Marsha Kent Rodriguez died from complications of Covid-19. Eric and Marsha were married for 21 years and shared a cat named Scooter, and Eric, I don't know if Marsha was a comedy fan or snob like you were but I wanted to let you know that even though she is not with you physically, A part of her will be with you forever and as long as you keep her in your thought process, she will never be away from you and I know you have friends and family but if you ever need a friendly ear that had been what you been through, just let me know and I will be there for you as will everyone from my congressional site Manic-Expression.com as well. And if I made any sense, just know Eric, we're with you all the way.

(James fades to black as the scene changes to a gas station in a state in the midwest as a Dodge Charger comes in for a quick fill-up as James and Chad get out to stretch their legs.)

Chad Narducci:
Okay, so I got a set of adjoining rooms at the hotel your associates recommended, so that way I can keep my eyes on you.

TLOTA:
Ah, this is the best place in the country, the small towns, the local BBQs, the people, not an ounce of the problems the rest of the world has. 

Chad Narducci:
James cut me a break. Please give me a place with tall buildings, overpriced coffee, and national supermarket chains. That's the world I want to see.

TLOTA:
Dude, this is the heart of the country and in that dance hall is where we're going to get some real American mojo! (James and Chad run in, and James asks the band if they can do a Bluegrass version of "Soul Bossa Nova" in which the band composed of Paulo Fonseca, John and Mike Santos, Ed Champion, and Andrew Beach Hollar "YEE-HAW BABY!" and as the band performs everyone gets in step and even Chad gets to enjoy himself while doing some Boot Scootin Boogie as the music continues to its crescendo and Chad lets out a YEE-HAW as the words "The "Powers" That Be" are seen in the same font type as the "Austin Powers" intro and the music ends as James and Chad walk into the hotel with Chad a little tipsier than he lets on.)

Chad Narducci (Drunk):
You know something, you indeed are a good pal! I mean, here I am constantly shitting on you and being a complete asshole, and you are like Teflon!

TLOTA:
Yeah, and you're tanked to the gills

Chad Narducci (Drunk):
But I will say this right now, I (Silence for two seconds) am going to puke all over you.

TLOTA:
Oh no, you don't! OH NO, YOU DON'T! (James grabs Chad as James bends Chad over to puke, then James sets him up so Chad doesn't choke on his vomit and preps the medication to cure him of the eventual hangover. Then walks towards the adjoining room only to see a group of wild and crazy drunk College Girls has decided to use the room. James walks over to the little office nook to work)

TLOTA:
As I said before, the first Austin Powers movie was a moderate success at best at the box office. When it was released on the VHS and burgeoning DVD market, the movie became a cult classic, and with that success, it meant dollar signs that New Line Cinema was more than ready to collect with a sequel, which to many is the best in the franchise. 

(Cut to the opening credit of Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me, then clips of the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And to which I would have to agree, this is the textbook definition of what a sequel should be. It can capture the original spirit of the first and be its own thing. But for the sake of argument, we will see whether or not it is truly worthy of such acclaim. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Let's not waste any time; this is (Vomitous noises are heard) Austin Powers In The Spy Who Shagged Me.

(Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens with (Show Star Wars-Esque expositional crawl. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Yeah, this was around the time The Phantom Menace came out to parody that was unoriginal, sad to say. I mean, it's not like there's other references (Cut to clips of Dr. Evil as he talks about "Death Star" and Scott says "Darth." Cut to James as he grimaces. Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Anyway, Dr. Evil decides to escape from his Big Boy Rocket to torment Austin and Vanessa once again. Speaking of the happy couple Austin and Vanessa are just getting done with another round of "Whoopie" as Austin discovers something isn't kosher about Vanessa. (Show Vanessa as she starts to glitch, then is later revealed to be a Fembot! After Vanessa reveals her machine gun boobs, we cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I think the bigger question is, HOW IN THE HELL DID THE MINISTRY OF DEFENSE NOT KNOW ABOUT VANESSA? OR IF THEY DID, WHY DIDN'T THEY REPROGRAM HER TO TAKE OUT DR. EVIL?! IT WOULD'VE SAVED THEM THAWING AUSTIN OUT BUT STILL PROBLEM SOLVED!

(Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Vanessa explodes, leaving only the fresh scent of pine and a slightly charred Austin Powers. After breaking the fourth wall and mourning her momentarily, Austin realizes he's single and can swing again! I wish he had something on to hide the junk except the well-placed props. Hell, even a banana hammock would suffice as the credits roll. We then cut to a NATO Facility in Guam where dated reference number fifty is shown Scott Evil appearing on an episode of Jerry Springer. To his surprise, Dr. Evil returns to a national audience. It goes about as expected for a Jerry Springer Episode! We soon find Austin back in England, where Basil tells Austin they knew Vanessa was a Fembot. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Okay, so do we discover what happened to the real Vanessa? Will Austin now have to look for her while stopping Dr. Evil's latest nefarious plot? Nope, Vanessa is just tossed out the window after this.

(Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Anyway, Austin has a photoshoot with someone who works for Dr. Evil. Sadly, it is not Rebecca Romijn; it's actually Ivana Humpalot, played by Kristen Johnston; now I know why she was a recovering alcoholic on "Mom." So as you try to laugh at that, we soon find Dr. Evil at his new base, where we've introduced to possibly the most prominent character known for the series. Mini-Me played by the late Verne Troyer. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And for those wondering, yes, Mini-Me, who was one-eighth the size of Mike Myers, was the most popular character in the franchise. When the third movie was in production Mike Myers had to meet with a private investigator who handed Mike a letter from George Harrison, and this was after George Harrison had passed away, and in this letter George said how much Austin Powers had made him laugh and wanted a Mini-Me doll! THAT IS HOW INCREDIBLE MINI-ME BECAME! And what I am telling you is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

(Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So as Dr. Evil connects with Mini-Me, he concocts not just another plan to take over the world but to take Austin Power's MOJO! Using a time machine, Dr. Evil plans to go back and take the MOJO from Austin back in the 1960s courtesy of his Scottish associate Fat Bastard, played by Mike Myers. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So that we're keeping score, Mike is the Hero, Villain, and Henchman in his movie. What's next? Does he play a hero, villain, henchman, and love interest in the next movie? Well, at least we know the role of Fat Bastard is the role that got him the part of Shrek, at least I think so. (Chad wakes up in shock)

Chad Narducci:
Jesus, James, what the hell happened? I took a shot of the local moonshine, and the next thing I know, I'm waking up in a bed with you next to me. (An awkward silence between the two is felt for five seconds.) Yeah that totally

TLOTA:
Yeah, it did. Don't bother going to your room. It's filled with rowdy college women.

Chad Narducci:
What? I didn't invite any; something isn't right. (Chad opens the adjoining door to show a room full of Shedroids. Chad quickly closes the door in fear.) James, I think we should check out and drive on right now!

TLOTA:
Should I fight you or (James opens the door, stands in shock, then closes it.) Grab everything that isn't nailed down and RUN! (James and Chad get everything, running for their lives as the music from a final event in an Austin Powers movie are heard in the foreground.)

TLOTA (Speeding past the concierge):
Checking out early, Send the bill to Killroy!

Chad Narducci (Speeding past the concierge):
It was all James' fault! (The two get into the car with only a 55 % Charge and bolt out of the parking lot just as the hotel is reduced to rubble due to the implosion. Chad looks back to see the damage)

Chad Narducci:
Just for the record, if the Chief hears about this, let me say that I wouldn't want to be you.

(James gives a glance of evil as the scene fades to black, it then cuts to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James entirely morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings "The Last Of The Americans." Cut to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme shows James entirely morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings "The Last Of The Americans." Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin loses his MOJO at the most inconvenient time as Austin and Basil set up Austin with his time machine to send Austin back to 1969 to recharge the MOJO leading to Austin to ask the questions someone would ask until he was cross-eyed. But thankfully, Basil must be a British fan of MST3K as he says it's just an adventure, and Austin should relax and enjoy the trip. Austin makes it to his pad just in 1969, where his old dental problem also finds him there. Austin quickly reacclimates to the time as a spy for Dr. Evil tries to kill him. Still, thankfully we're introduced to Austin's new love interest Felicity Shagwell as she turns out to be an agent for the CIA played by Heather Graham and for those who found her performance in "Lost In Space" intolerable, Let me say she's better here than in that one episode show she had on ABC! Oy Vey! Mustafa returns to try and kill the two only to be quickly thwarted by being asked the same question three times in a row! (Cut to James and Chad in the car.)

Chad Narducci:
That's not annoying!

TLOTA:
Oh really?

Chad Narducci:
No

TLOTA:
Oh Really?

Chad Narducci:
No!

TLOTA:
OH REALLY?

Chad Narducci:
YES! YES, IT IS ANNOYING, ESPECIALLY FROM A DICKHEAD IN A CAR WHOSE TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCEMENTS COULD SOLVE A TON OF PROBLEMS!

TLOTA:
And Cause a global killing device should the technological advancements fall into the wrong hands. You didn't think about that, did you? Guess not

(Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Back at Dr. Evil's Volcanic Lair, Fat Bastard comes in with Austin's MOJO in his possession and well(Dr. Evil takes a sip of Austin's MOJO and finds Frau Farbissina attractive, leading the two to go wild with each other during the Volcano's eruption. Cut to James and Chad with Chad looking like he's seen the most disgusting sex scene in his entire life.) 

TLOTA:
Chad? CHAD?! Great, he's waiting for the rest of the scenario to play out. That's not even the most disturbing part about this scenario; the rest will happen later on down the line in this movie.

(Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin and Felicity soon find themselves going over the crime scene briefly as we then find ourselves in yet another montage about Swinging London, probably to help recharge the Mojo and for Austin to tell Felicity about the future he's seen and to have a moment where both Elvis Costello and Burt Bacharach play a jingle while the couple gets close. The next morning after a sex scene that would make Tommy Wiseau toss his cookies, we get a good joke set-up and the immediate payoff involving Dr. Evil, Frau Farbissina, and of Course Scott! (Show clip of Frau Farbissina saying she's pregnant in her own way, and Scott arrives. Cut to James and Chad in the car as Chad, still somewhat in shock, puts it all together.)

Chad Narducci:
It works out timeline-wise, and it also means that at least there's nothing as wrong.

TLOTA:
There's something that will make both of us blow our chow later. (A ringtone is heard) One moment. (James punches in a code, and an image of Chief Development appears.)

Chief Development:
Hello, Agent 428, Chad. I just received the bill from what happened a few states ago. (Cut to James and Chad.)

TLOTA:
This one is going to be on Chad. He had a little of the local moonshine, and next thing I know, we're running for our lives and having to tell the Front Door Agent the code to get everyone out before the building went kaboom! 

Chad Narducci:
Now, wait for a second, the guy at the front door was an agent? (Cut to Chief Development.)

Chief Development:
Of Course, how else can we keep our eyes on our agents if we don't have secondary agents to inform us? But that's not important; We just received this message from Dr. Vile. It would be best if you watched it. (The screen cuts to Dr. Vile, looking like Blofeld from the recent Bond films, as played by Ed Champion)

Dr. Vile:
Greetings II-DOD! I'm sure Agent 428 may have survived his death. (The Screen cuts to Chief Development.) if so, I will be waiting in Hollywood, if that Dodge Charger can last another day or so.

Chief Development:
I hope you realize the gravity of what's going on. (Cut to James and Chad.)

TLOTA:
I know the gravity of it. unfortunately, we will have to find a place where we can charge the Charger and not be around others. (Cut to Chief Development)

Chief Development:
There is a place nearby; however, I think your friend might mind a night in a park. (Cut to James and Chad)

Chad Narducci:
I'll be fine. (Chad shuts off the screen) II-DOD?

TLOTA:
International Independent Departments of Defense. (Chad says Oh! As the two continue to drive. Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin discovers the way Fat Bastard took the MOJO. Worried he might not be as good as he once was with it, Austin goes out for a drive to clear his head. Meanwhile, Basil contacts Felicity to track Fat Bastard and insert a homing device.

Chad Narducci (V.O.):
But how will she do it to find Fat Bastard, and Where will she, OH NO! OH GOD, PLEASE NO! (Show clip of Fat Bastard and Felicity in the same bed. Cut to James and Chad as they've set up for the night and have to think of what Felicity and Fat Bastard did and proceed to vomit for a whopping five minutes straight. Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So after that bit of God Save Humanity! Dr. Evil tells us his plan to turn the moon into a weapon that doubles as a Star Wars reference, and Scott shut him down. Meanwhile, Felicity tells Austin that she found Fat Bastard, leaving out details that made me and Chad toss our cookies; thank god, as they take a sample of Fat Bastard's poop, find Dr. Evil's Volcano Lair and Austin, well, yeah, I'm just going to censor what happens for the sake of good taste. (Show heavily edited clip of Austin drinking Fat Bastard's poop! Cut to the rest of the movie.) So after that, Dr. Evil contacts the President to tell him either pay my ransom or kiss Washington D.C. off the map, all while Mini-Me is having a little ride on the Lazer and Scott telling him why his references aren't making any sense to anyone but him. Austin and Felicity make their way to the island and camp out for the night as they set up a shadow routine they'll recycle in the next movie to save a gag. Speaking of gag, hang onto your gag reflex; our heroes are captured as Fat Bastard tells Austin about him in Felicity in full detail. Just as that happens, our heroes are taken into a cell over a slow death where again Scott points out the obvious and like before Austin and Felicity escaped. Dr Evil and Mini-Me head for the moon as does Austin and Felicity. However as Austin and Felicity hitch a ride of Apollo 11, Dr. Evil's Spaceship is shaped like a (Cut to the "Shape" of Dr. Evil's ship joke. Cut to James as he is about to say something as Chad says "WEINER!")

TLOTA:
I get that you don't like me, but calling me a Weiner? That seems even more childish than usual, even by your standards.

Chad Narducci:
No, I'm trying this Weiner Weinerschnitzel; you need to try a bite. Oh, and you need to see this Rocketship; it is shaped like someone's

(Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as the General says "Johnson." Cut to the rest of the movie as  James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So now we got that out of the way; Austin and Felicity split up as Austin fights Mini-Me in a one-sided fight in Mini-Me's favor until Austin flushes him into the depths of Space! Just as Dr. Evil prepares the Lazer, he also takes Felicity hostage. Austin stops the Lazer but at the cost of Felicity, vowing vengeance, Austin plans to put Dr. Evil down like the animal he is; however, Dr. Evil, in a unique twist, helps Austin out by suggesting he use the time portal and rescue Felicity and stop the Lazer which works out for Austin to save the day. As for the MOJO! (Cut to the clip of the Mojo being destroyed.) So yeah, even after stopping the Lazer and rescuing Felicity, the Mojo is gone, and so is the base. Felicity wants to go back to 1967; however, Austin convinces her there's more that happens in the 1970s, 80s, and 90s for the most part. Austin and Felicity come to the present day, but Fat Bastard comes for the ride as well, and Felicity quickly stops him faster than I can say, Judo-YEOWCH! As Austin celebrates with Felicity, Dr. Evil gets away to fight Austin Powers another day in his Spaceship shaped as (Cut to the ending spaceship joke about Dr. Evil's ship looking like a Penis and Dr. Evil saying, "I'm going to get you, Austin Powers! I'm going to get you" as Dr Evil and Mini-Me chuckle manically, then we see mid-credit scenes of Scott discovering who his mom is and Austin knowing his MOJO is recharged. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And that was the second Austin Powers movie, and it is better than the first by quite a bit. (Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
It was the most commercially and critically successful of all three, and you can tell that Mike Myers and everything Austin Powers was just at their peak. A lot of it comes from smashing expectations of what to expect in a comedy like this and how to develop the characters without changing everything about them. The story had excellent progression, and the humor was as good as the first one, even though some of the jokes fell flat. The action is more coherent. Everything that didn't work in the first movie worked here. If you haven't seen it, I strongly suggest checking this one out. It may just be the best movie in the entire trilogy. (Cut to James and Chad as they finished packing up in the Charger.)

TLOTA:
And next time, we'll see what comedic gold will be mined from one more trip into the world of Austin Powers. For now, Chad and I are heading out to find Dr. Vile and rescue the woman I love. Until then, I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and you know the rest. Alrighty then, Chad, let's get going. You know it's a shame that (James continues to pontificate as Chad looks and sees the forest, the lake, the clear blue skies, and smiles, finally seeing how James looks at the American countryside as peaceful and serene.) Chad! CHAD! CHAD! (Chad snaps back and looks at James) Were you even listening to a syllable of what I said? 

Chad Narducci:
Nope, just looking at the forest for the trees. (Cut to James as he looks at the ground and then looks up and chuckles as he closes the door. The car drives out of the park.)

Chad Narducci (Audio only):
Oh, before I forget, I set the lock timer just as I finished cleaning up the camper.

TLOTA (Audio only):
Lock timer?

Chad Narducci (Audio only):
Don't campers in parks like this have lock timers so that the help can come in for the next renter of a camper?

TLOTA (Audio only):
Campers don't have lock timers! CAMPERS DON'T HAVE LOCK TIMERS! (A loud explosion is heard and shown as the scene cuts to black as James shouts out "CHAD!")