Life's a "Splash"

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words "The Last Of The Americans" on it before cutting to James in his office physically)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours. Let's go back to 1984; Ron Howard has been gone from "Happy Days" for four years and directed a whopping two movies. One before his departure and one afterward. Both became eventual Cult Classics, but Ron needed a hit movie. Tom Hanks is a struggling actor himself, and Disney was (dubbed by an emotionless computer as James starts to open his mouth but closes it as the dubbing begins): Doing fine but could've used a little more of the Disney magic to make the world a Fluffy Cloud of Happiness while starting to engage the more mature audience as we tried with our classic movie "The Black Hole" which we admit we could've toned the darkness down, but trying to. (The dubbing continues to be jingoistic to say everything was great with Disney as James gets up and finds the person and the program and proceeds to bash it into bits with the dubbed voice trying to scream G-Rated curse words. James walks back to his chair) Now as I was trying to say, Ron Howard and Tom Hanks needed to be in a successful movie, with Howard in the Director's chair and Hanks in the lead after a short-lived series was canceled. John Candy was trying to break into the American while being a part of SCTV and Darryl Hannah was a hot, young ingenue trying to show she could act, and Disney was in the toilet! It took literal hands of fate and the formation of a production/distribution company within Disney for one movie to succeed and start a new life for what would become the mouse-eared r----! Play the opening thought; I'll be back. 

(Cut to the title scene of Splash, then to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Splash, released in 1984 as the first movie produced and distributed through Touchstone Productions, a homemade Disney Subsidiary and was considered a risk for a company that had fallen on hard times that needed something different to revive it. This Director had no real success as did their leading man who was in a short-lived sitcom and a cast that was a mix of eager new talent, a sense that they were going to change perceptions, and their determination to succeed. Splash has stood the test of time as possibly the best Romantic Comedy ever made. But what was it about the movie that made it a success? Well, today, we're going to look over it and find out for ourselves and see how it has become a pop-culture staple to this moment with subtle references in tv series, other movies, and web series. (Cut to James as he wipes schmutz and sweat mixed with mucus and blood off his fists) 

TLOTA:
And seeing as this is Valentine's Day, it'd be a perfect movie to review. So let's dive into Splash!  

(Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens in 1964 as the Bauer family is enjoying a family trip on a boat in Cape Cod as young Freddie is punished. While dealing with Freddie, young Allen decides he's gonna go for a swim! (Cut to young Allen as he jumps, and The Eleventh Doctor shouts "GERONIMO!" Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover.) Allen notices a young girl around his age as he's pulled back into the boat. We then cut to twenty years later as Allen, now played by Tom Hanks, as Alan has taken over the family business of distributing fresh produce for Supermarkets all over the tri-state area. However, he has this feeling as if he is unfulfilled by the job and not helping is his brother Freddie, now played by John Candy, as Freddie shows he has been featured in Penthouse, and his girlfriend dumps him just on the eve of an employee's wedding day. (Show Allen as he greets slowly, getting angry as he snaps at the groom's brother as the groom's brother just says Hi to Allen. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And under different circumstances, Tom Hanks would've been fired because that was the Director's brother he just reamed out. Just saying it's not good to just snap like that. (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Drinking himself onto the bar Allen waxes philosophical about his life and decides to go to Cape Cod for some unknown reason. Making it to Massachusetts, he comes upon Dr. Walter Kornbluth, played by Eugene Levy, and wow, looking at him now, he has aged like fine wine! I digress, Kornbluth's employees direct Allen to a man named Fat Jack whose boat conks out in the middle of the bay. Fat Jack swims back as Allen gets the ship started, and Allen forcibly jumps ship as the ship jumps him. Allen then finds himself on an island with a very pretty young woman played by Darryl Hannah and (Show Darryl as James' smiling face covers her butt. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Okay, so let's go over this little moment. When this movie came to Disney Plus, they decided to use the cut that was syndicated and added some more editing, like covering Darryl Hannah's tuchus, and fans were not too happy about this, especially since the movie on Digital and DVD saw Darryl's butt, and they also slipped in Darryl's nipples as she swims underwater, and she showed her body in all her glory back in 1984, and no one back then was shocked and stupid enough to be told: "Be Offended" because we could handle it then and some people can still handle it now, I think(Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Darryl Hannah's character soon reveals herself to be a mermaid to the audience as Dr. Kornbluth suffers comedically at the hands of his helpers spots Darryl in her mermaid form as she finds Allen's wallet and, using old school maps, heads to Liberty Island as the tour guide gives his group more than the statue. (Show clip of the tour guide as he talks about the statue until he sees Darryl Hannah in the buff and says naked women everywhere and shouts "BOCCE BALLS!" Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Imagine the headlines if that happened now! Actually, they'd try to spin it as a protest against eating meat or some type of Pro-Whatever the hell is popular to protest against like actual intelligence or something like that. (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Allen returns to his job as his brother brings in the head of an entire supermarket chain to see the operations of the distribution when a phone call gets Allen down to the police as he meets Darryl Hannah's character. Now I know the character's name as does everyone else but for the sake of the story, I won't reveal it until the movie does. But I digress, Allen and Darryl Hannah's character spends the rest of the day and night getting to know each other again and again. While that's happening, Dr. Kornbluth discovers the news of what happened on Liberty Island, where he talks to an old professor friend and plans to expose Darryl Hannah's character. The following day Allen goes into work as Darryl Hannah's character goes to Bloomingdale's to get herself some wardrobe. Allen comes home early to surprise her until Carlton, Your Doorman, tells Allen she sent her to Bloomingdale's, where she breaks her silence, and we find out who the smelt she is! (Cut to the clip of Darryl Hannah's character speaking in Dolphin chirps which shatter the Televisions as it cuts to James physically as his glasses break as well.)

TLOTA:
Well, it's a good thing I keep spares (James gets his replacement glasses out as it cuts to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Realizing Allen can't repeat that He and Darryl Hannah's character decide to give her the name Madison, and since this movie succeeded, girls have been getting that name. Anyway, Madison tells Allen that she has six days before returning home, and the two better make the best of their situation and guess what I found in the background in one shot! A movie theater that is showing the original "Evil Dead",  and that was cool to see or as one man would say "Groovy!". But I digress, that night Madison decides to give herself a moment to let her tail out and soak, which somehow triggers Allen to wake up leading to this moment. (Show clip of Allen as he tries to figure out why Madison is in the tub. Cut to the rest of the movie as James does a voiceover.) Allen and Madison accidentally bump into Dr. Kornbluth, who tries to expose Madison when he finds himself in danger from a couple that looks like Allen and Madison. (Show clip of Dr. Kornbluth getting the crap beaten out of him. Cut to James physically as he cringes)

TLOTA:
I'm not a doctor, but yeah, I would be making my last will and testament after a beating like that. (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
While Dr. Kornbluth recovers from that Allen and Madison go on another date as Allen shows one of his favorite fountains in the park as he exposits about what happened to him when he was eight and Madison plays dumb as to knowing that Allen and her met when they were kids. The next day Allen and Freddie talk about going to a formal dinner event with The President Of The United States and Allen decides to take Madison. Freddie and Allen play racquetball and discuss his relationship with Madison and believe it or not when Freddie serves and clocks himself stupid, that took one take! Later that day, Allen is surprised when the fountain from the park is delivered to his living room! HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?! (Cut to Madison telling Allen she sold her necklace to get him that fountain because she loves him. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Ask a good question, get a good answer! (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
That night Allen and Madison decide to head to a fancy restaurant where Madison orders Lobster as Allen tries to figure out how to make this blooming relationship work. Oh and Fun Fact, Due to Darryl Hannah's vegetarianism, that lobster wasn't Lobster, it was crust filled with bread, hearts of palm, tofu, potatoes, and spaghetti. Some fun little facts to know about this movie while I review this. After that Allen and Madison go ice skating and Allen goes for the ultimate play for Madison and asks for her hand in marriage. Madison reluctantly says that can't happen and as it has become the trope, the couple finding themselves hitting a rough patch. The next morning after a night of contemplation, Madison decides that Allen is worth breaking the rules and would be glad to Marry Allen as Dr. Kornbluth finds them again only to meet with yet another Doppelganger couple which leads to, You know. (Sounds of multiple punches are heard as the scene cuts to black. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
For the love of Peat Moss, you can stop now he is now two-thirds broken bones! Any more of a beating and he'll be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life! (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Allen remembers the dinner with the President and takes Madison as his date. That night even though he should be in traction and knocked out until doomsday to heal, Kornbluth decides to crash the President's party and it's there that Madison's secret is revealed. (Show clip of Madison's tail being revealed and Kornbluth screams "BEHOLD THE MERMAID!" cut to the rest of the movie as James does a voiceover.) Allen and Madison are taken by the government as Kornbluth's superior Dr. Ross decides to take the lead on the experiments on Madison as they throw Allen back to his place thinking he wasn't really worth the time to take. Freddie tries to shield Allen from the fallout and here we get development from Freddie as Allen bemoans what he feels is yet another failure of a relationship. Freddie tells Allen to wake up and smell the fricking Tartar sauce! After a day of contemplation on Allen's part and regrets on Kornbluth's end, the two meet as after all the guilt at the dentist's office to fix Kornbluth's teeth as Kornbluth injects himself with Novocaine in his leg. (Cut to James physically) 

TLOTA:
Just be glad that the nitrous oxide wasn't available. (Show the clip from "Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air" episode "EYETOOTH" as Will, Carlton, and William Shatner are hopped up on Nitrous Oxide. and from "Lethal Weapon 4" dentist scene the scene. Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Kornbluth tells Allen that he can get into see Madison which leads Allen to come up with an idea that is so crazy it has to work as Kornbluth takes them in as Swedish Scientists! The three make their way to Madison as Allen enacts the second part of his plan which is to switch Freddie with Madison leading to this moment. (Show clip of Allen and Kornbluth taking an unconscious body out of the lab and the two making tracks! Cut to the rest of the movie as James does a voiceover.) Dr. Ross comes in as the rouse is discovered as Freddie is arrested and brings every-friggin' person with a badge and a gun to catch Madison, Allen, and Kornbluth! Kornbluth decides he's caused enough trouble and decides to sacrifice himself to give Allen and Madison the time to get away further which ends with Kornbluth (Show clip of him falling and hurting himself saying "WHAT A WEEK I'M HAVING!" Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
Barely making it out of the movie in traction! (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Allen and Madison make it to a jetty as the two quickly discuss what to do next. Madison tells Allen that she was the little girl he saw at Cape Cod and if he goes with her he'll be safe but can never return. Having to choose between keeping her safe or being with her forever, Allen chooses the worst of the two evils by letting her go. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And I have to say I understand making that sacrifice. I mean, there were times when I was in a relationship and I felt that if given a second chance, there would be some women I was with better off not knowing I existed or if they did know I existed I didn't make the decision of pursuing a relationship at all because at some point there are women who regretted being with me and even though they went through troubles and came out the other end of their troubles in better shape and in better relationships, it didn't mean I was doing well. Hell if I knew things were going to end the way they did in my previous relationships, I WOULD BE EVEN LESS INCLINED TO FRIGGIN  START ANY RELATIONSHIP I EVER HAD! WOULD THAT MEAN I WOULD BE A HERMIT BOUND TO MY HOUSE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE SO THAT SOME PEOPLE WHO I WOULD'VE HURT IN THOSE RELATIONSHIPS BECAUSE IT MEANS MORE THAT I NEVER HURT ANYONE, EVEN IF I WIND UP HAPPY I WILL TELL YOU IT WOULD COST ME IN THE LONG RUN BECAUSE SOME POOR SCHMO WOULD MISS OUT ON A GOOD FRIGGIN THING! GAAAAAAH! (James relaxes and breathes as he calms down.) Wow, my first rant of the year. Felt good to get it out of me. (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Madison hits the water as Navy Swim teams try to intercept her escape, leading Allen to dive in to rescue her and stop the Navy Swim team from capturing Madison and Allen,  the movie ends with our happy couple living together in the ocean heading to an undersea kingdom. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And that was Splash! It was cute, romantic, funny, dramatic and it is so worth the time to watch. (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Let me say the following, this movie is one of those perfect time capsules that just seem timeless. Everything worked in this movie. It had the right actors in the right roles, the script balanced everything. The fantasy aspects, the romantic aspects, the humorous aspects, the dramatic aspects, and everything ended the right way, even if something went wrong they made that moment work. If you haven't seen this movie, then check it out today! ESPECIALLY TODAY AS IT IS VALENTINE'S DAY AND IT IS A GREAT ROMANTIC MOVIE AND SWIMS HEADS AND TAILS ABOVE A LOT OF THE CRAP THAT CALLS ITSELF A ROMANTIC MOVIE THESE DAYS! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Phew! It felt good reviewing a good movie on a day like today. So maybe this year is getting better as it goes along. Anything is possible, I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That's my opinion!